Self-Reg Book Discussion Guide

CHAPTER 1 The Power of Self-Reg Chapter Summary In Chapter 1, Dr. Shanker introduces readers to the idea of self-regulation and its connection to stress and self-control. This chapter discusses concepts such as: • the connection between stress and energy • the limbic system • the triune brain • the social brain, the learning brain and the survival brain • stress cycles. Chapter 1 also introduces Shanker Self-Reg, a powerful method for improving self-regulation by reframing “misbehaviour” in terms of the stress that might be causing it, recognizing and reducing stressors, developing greater stress awareness and helping children (and ourselves) learn what helps them recover from stress and come back to feeling calm. Discussion Questions Question 1. Dr. Shanker argues that, contrary to what has been thought for centuries, self-control is not the key to changing our behaviour. Self-control is important, but Dr. Shanker says that self- regulation—the ability to manage and recover from stress—is more important. That’s because our ability to use the parts of our brain which help us exercise self-control is reduced when our stress load is excessive. a) Discuss how the idea that self-regulation is more important than self-control challenges or supports your beliefs and what you have been taught about parenting. b) Think about times when you had more trouble than usual with self-control. Can you think of the stress you were experiencing that might have made it harder for you to exercise self-control? Question 2. Dr. Shanker explains that when children are highly stressed, or in fight or flight, they shift from social or learning brain to survival brain. This makes it harder for them to think, make decisions, understand others and express themselves. Discussion Guide: Self-Reg by Dr. Stuart Shanker © 2018 The MEHRIT Centre Think about situations when one of your children was highly stressed. Consider how stress affected their behaviour? How did it affect their ability to listen to and understand you? How might you respond to children’s behaviour differently if you realized that they were in survival brain rather than learning/social brain? (You could also apply this question to yourself and your own stress). Question 3. The limbic system is the brain’s home base for strong emotions like love, fear, shame and anger. Dr. Shanker writes, “When we can calm that [primitive limbic] response, we begin to bring all the other self-regulation processes into sync.” Talk about limbic responses and the role they play when people overreact to situations. What could parents do to help calm a limbic response in a child? Question 4. Stress cycles occur when stressors build up and bounce off each other to create even more stress. Stress cycles can happen to anyone, but one of the keys to self-regulation is being able to recognize and break stress cycles. Think of a time when you were caught in a stress cycle. What were the stressors and how did they combine to make even more stress? Discuss how a stress cycle has affected (or could affect) your parenting and interactions with your children? How could you help yourself break out of a stress cycle? (You could also apply this question to your child.) Question 5. Dr. Shanker’s Five-step method is as follows: 1. Read the signs and reframe the behaviour. 2. Identify the stressors. 3. Reduce the stressors. 4. Become aware of when you’re overstressed. 5. Figure out what helps you calm, rest and recover. Reread the anecdote Dr. Shanker relates about Bernice and her daughter Autumn. Discuss how he used the five steps to help Bernice understand and manage her own and her daughter’s stress. The MEHRIT Centre | www.self-reg.ca © 2018 The MEHRIT Centre CHAPTER 2 More than Marshmallows: Self-Regulation versus Self-Control Chapter Summary Dr. Shanker breaks down the difference between self-regulation and self-control. He explains why the famous “Marshmallow Test” is really a test of how well a child deals with stress. The metabolic forces involved in our response to stress use up energy, which is why excessive stress can affect children’s ability to delay gratification or manage their behaviour and emotions. Thus, treating self-regulation problems as self-control problems can cause harm. Other key concepts include: • It is important to reframe children’s behaviour in terms of the stress that may be driving it. • It is only by being regulated (rather than controlled) that children learn to self-regulate. A detailed case study is used to illustrate these concepts in action and show how and why some children need more support than others in developing self-regulation. Discussion Questions Question 1. On page 34, Dr. Shanker says it’s possible to change how well a child (or adult) performs on the marshmallow test by raising their stress level. Discuss why that would be true, based on what you have learned in this chapter about the metabolic processes involved in the human stress response, and the energy they consume. Relate that knowledge to your personal experience of how being tired, hungry, anxious etc. can affect people’s behaviour and thinking at times. Question 2. Dr. Shanker explains that as stress drains a child’s fuel tank, “they rely on adrenaline and cortisol to keep themselves going. This is why they become hyper or manic.” (p. 39) Consider how this idea changes your understanding of why children who really need to go to bed, or switch to a quieter activity, often seem unwilling or unable to do so. How can we employ self- regulation strategies to help children in this type of hyper state? Discussion Guide: Self-Reg by Dr. Stuart Shanker © 2018 The MEHRIT Centre Question 3. Dr. Shanker emphasizes the importance of reframing children’s behaviour to answer the question, “Why am I seeing this behaviour now?” in the following quote: “Whatever the circumstances, reframing your child’s behavior instantly changes the dynamic and opens the way for greater understanding and lasting change.” (p. 41) Try to think of a recent experience where a child’s (or adult’s) behaviour or words seemed out of character or an overreaction to the situation. How could you reframe that behaviour in terms of the question, “Why am I seeing this behaviour now?” How could reframing give you a more sympathetic view of that person’s behaviour? Question 4. The case history of Steven (pp. 42 - 49) illustrates why and how self-regulation can be more challenging for some children (and parents) than others. Many people have known children who resembled Steven. Some of us may have children like that ourselves. In many cases, people have responded to these kids by intensifying their efforts to teach the child better self-control. Discuss how well self-control strategies have worked in children you have known who had greater self-control problems than other children. Question 5. “The foundation of Self-Reg is that it is only by being regulated that a child develops the ability to self-regulate. This does not mean that ‘the only way a child will acquire self-control is if we first control him.” (p. 47) Sometimes the difference between regulating and controlling a child is very clear, and at other times it is less clear. Consider common parenting strategies: offering choices, giving warnings, consequences, rewards, comforting, bedtime routines, setting limits around screen time or removing a child from a situation where she is having difficulty. Which ones address self- regulation and which address self-control? The MEHRIT Centre | www.self-reg.ca © 2018 The MEHRIT Centre CHAPTER 3 No Small Matter: Arousal Regulation and the Interbrain Chapter Summary This chapter introduces the concept of the interbrain. Humans are born “prematurely,” meaning that, compared to other animals, the human brain is remarkably immature at birth. Thus, a baby’s capacity for self-regulation is barely in start-up mode. The interbrain is the external (caregiver) brain that regulates a child’s brain that is too immature to regulate itself. Dr. Shanker discusses the implications for parental nurturing, care and stress regulation early in life. Chapter 3 also introduces other concepts, including: • the six states of arousal • up-regulating and down-regulating • co-regulation • the challenges of understanding and calming the hyperarousable baby. A case study is used to illustrate the importance of tuning into individual differences in the needs, sensitivities and responses of babies. Discussion Questions Question 1. Dr. Shanker says that when he begins one of his lectures with the idea that human babies are born as “fetuses outside the womb,” he often hears an audible gasp. Reflect on the idea that full-term human babies are born neurologically premature. How does that change your ideas about the needs of babies? In what ways does this idea make sense in terms of your experiences as a parent? Question 2. Dr. Shanker describes the interbrain as “a sort of Bluetooth or wireless connection which tethers the caregiver’s brain to the baby’s brain for purposes of arousal regulation.” (p. 59) Think about your personal experience of this wireless brain-to-brain connection. Have there been times when your baby’s distress or joy felt very much like your distress or joy? Can you recall times when it felt like you and your baby were communicating brain to brain through touch and eye contact, or when your emotional state seemed to affect your baby’s emotional state? Discussion Guide: Self-Reg by Dr. Stuart Shanker © 2018 The MEHRIT Centre Question 3. “The more stress a child is under, the higher her baseline level of arousal, the more energy she’s burning while ‘at rest,’ and the more reactive she is to stress.” (p.

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