Blue Box Messiah
By
Michael Gilroy-Sinclair TWITTER : @TinDogPodcast EMAIL - [email protected]
A two handed stage play ideal for a small stage.
The right of [email protected] to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright Designs and Patent Act 1988 Copyright © 2013: [email protected]
Author: M M Gilroy-Sinclair ‘Doctor Who’ is copyright and Email: [email protected] trademark of the BBC, no infringement is made or This play may only be perfomed intended. with express permission of the author. This is NOT a ‘Doctor Who’ script. It is a script about being a fan of a life-affirming TV show.
Copyright [email protected]
Blue Box Messiah
Cast List
MATT: ‘Doctor Who’ fan and friend of:
LUKE: ‘Doctor Who’ fan
OTHER PARTS – also to be played by the above people. (M signifies that it is the actor playing Matt and L signifies that it is played by the actor playing Luke though this could be interchangable)
BROTHER PETER: Early 30s Male – A religious caller.
POLICEMAN: A Police Officer. VICAR: A Vicar/Preacher. DAWKINS: Richard Dawkins – Himself. SUSAN: A Young girl. EX SANTA Male – former department store Santa. ASTROLOGER: An astrologer WORRIED MAN: Early 30s Male ALIEN 1: Short Blue Alien. ALIEN 2: Another short blue alien. TREK FAN: A fan of the popular TV show Star Trek.
-i- Copyright [email protected]
SYNOPSIS
A thought-provoking comedy with two fans of the popular television series debating the idea that ‘Doctor Who’ is actually a religion.
NOTE:-
This play is ideal for performing during the week containing the 23rd November 2013 - which is the anniversary week celebrating 50 years of the BBC television series ‘Doctor Who’.
Scene transitions – if needed could be accompanied by a musical sting/Tardis noise to make it obvious that these are fantasy moments and a change of lighting que if available.
‘Doctor Who’ is copyright and trademark of the BBC, no infringement is made or intended.
This is NOT a ‘Doctor Who’ script. It is a script about being a fan of a TV show.
-ii- Copyright [email protected]
START:
THE STAGE IS IN DARKNESS, IN THE CENTRE IS A SMALL SOFA. IT HAS SEEN BETTER DAYS. IN FRONT OF THE SOFA IS A SMALL (AND STRONG) COFFEE TABLE. MAGAZINES AND A FEW REMOTE CONTROLS SIT ONTOP OF THE TABLE.- LIGHTS UP - ENTER MATT, HE CARRYS TWO MUGS OF TEA, HE PUTS THEM BOTH DOWN ON THE TABLE AND GRABS A REMOTE. THERE IS NOT A TELEVISION ON STAGE, FROM THE POSITION OF THE SOFA, THE AUDIANCE ARE WHERE THE TELEVISION WOULD BE.
THE THEME FROM ‘DOCTOR WHO’ – CIRCA 1977. THIS FADES TO PROVIDE CONTEXT.
MATT: (SHOUTING) Who was it?
LUKE: (OFF) Just some religious nutter!
ENTER LUKE.
Ooh Tea! Lovely.
MATT: You still take on sugar?
LUKE: Yeah, apparently I am not sweet enough yet.
MATT: So did you do it then?
LUKE: Do what?
MATT: Give it to them with both barrels?
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LUKE: Sorry?
MATT: You know... Right between the eyes? Just like you said you would?
LUKE: Still not with you?
MATT: In the pub... The other day... You said that the next time you had a one come to the door you would...
SCENE 2
ACTION TRANSITION – FOR EASE OF ACCESS TO THIS SCRIPT - I HAVE CALLED THESE SCENE CHANGES – HOWEVER THEY ARE SIMPLY JUMPS IN NARATIVE AND DO NOT REQUIRE AN EXIT OR ENTRANCE. MATT SIMPLY MOVES LUKE. FURTHER UPSTAGE, ASUMES ANOTHER CHARACTER - PERHAPSE BY PUTTING ON A COAT OR DOG COLLAR - AND THEN MIMES KNOCKING ON A FRONT DOOR.
F/X: KNOCK AT THE DOOR,DOOR OPENS.
LUKE OPENS THE DOOR
LUKE: Can I help you?
BROTHER PETER (M): Hello, isn’t it a simply lovely day? Unseasonably warm... I was just wondering if you have five minutes to talk about the Lord? I have some fascinating literature on the subject.
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LUKE: Sorry, can I just stop you there? I’m a believer in Doctor Who.
BROTHER PETER (M): The television series?
LUKE: Yes... as you say... the television series.
BROTHER PETER (M): No, you quite clearly misunderstood me. I want to talk to you about your soul. About morality, the human condition. Not about wobbly walls!
LUKE: How dare you! Wobbly walls indeed!? Do I mock your faith? Like I said, I am a follower of the man in the Blue Box. I mean what do you have? One book?
BROTHER PETER (M): The Good Book.
LUKE: I have well over 200 separate televised stories, so on weight alone I am coming out ahead. And then there is spin-off media...
Look, sorry to cut you short but I just feel that my faith is just a little bit better thought out than yours...
F/X: DOOR SLAMS.
SCENE 3
ACTION TRANSITION – MATT REMOVES HIS DOG COLLAR AND WE ARE BACK TO THE LIVING ROOM .
MATT: No, in all honesty I can’t really see you being that abrupt with anyone. You are so much more likely to be all apologetic and just take the leaflets. You won’t get rid of them that way. They will be back!
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LUKE: Did you have any problems taking today off work?
MATT: I think the DVD department can look after itself for one day. It’s not like we celebrate Doctor Who Day every day of the year.
LUKE: Well...
MATT: The department will be fine. I’m sure I can spend a day watching a handful of classic stories with an old friend... and celebrate an anniversary without the world coming to an end.
LUKE: Is it really a stupid idea?
MATT: What the ‘End of the World’?
LUKE: No, don’t be silly. I mean is it such a stupid idea that Doctor Who would make a good religion?
MATT: Apart from the fact that it was basically a children’s show? Designed to fill a gap in the schedules... Between Juke Box Jury and the football results.
LUKE: (MOCK AFFRONTERY) Take that back! And even if that was true. It’s so much more than it was ever intended to be... I mean take us for example.
MATT: An example of what?
LUKE: An example of two, ordinary, Doctor Who fans. It’s part of our lives in the same way that religion used to be part of everyones lives.
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MATT: Erm... Not quite sure I am following you.
LUKE: The average human has this... erm... hole. Yes... A hole in their soul. A gap... deep inside them that gets filled with something. In some people’s cases it’s food or football. Or shopping, or soap operas, but that’s the same hole that used to be filled by religion.
MATT: All that means is we have something in common with the rest of the world... it doesn’t make a TV show into a religion.
LUKE: OK, how about this... What did you put down on your last census form? In the box that asked what religion you were?
MATT: You know I put ‘Jedi’.
LUKE: Exactly. You either thought that it was a joke question or you really do believe that George Lucas has a direct line to God. Either way you put down that your main faith was taken from a movie you saw when you were a kid.
MATT: Does that mean that George Lucas is tax exempt?
LUKE: I have no idea.... Did you know it’s a criminal offence?
MATT: What? Being George Lucas? Even after Jar Jar that’s a bit extreme.
LUKE: Ooh! Topical as ever! No... Putting an incorrect entry into the census form is illegal. It’s in the small print on the back of the form.
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MATT: You can talk. What did you put? ‘Time Lord.’
LUKE: I will have you know that I put ‘Lapsed Time Lord’... But that’s part of my point.
MATT: What? That sarcastic sci-fi fans don’t take religion seriously?
LUKE: Oh I don’t know... I mean did anyone put down that they worshipped Manchester United?
MATT: Maybe... There is no way of finding out for one hundred years... Anyway... didn’t you study comparative religions at Uni?
LUKE: I did a couple of terms... it was an elective... It’s hardly come in handy in everyday life.
MATT: I know for a fact that isn’t true. Your ability to spot a halal chicken place after a few beers has come in very handy on more ocasions than I care to mention. But that’s not what I mean. You are in an ideal position to argue the case.
LUKE: The case for what?
MATT: For Doctor Who being a religion. I mean... What is a religion for?
LUKE: OK, Well let me see... If I remember rightly, organised religions have three main purposes.
MATT: Three?
LUKE: Yeah, three. To control, to provide hope, and to provide explanations for the universe.
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MATT: You sure it’s not educate, inform and entertain? No, thats the BBC... So what about moral guidance?
LUKE: Well, Doctor Who has that in spades!
MATT: Just to be clear, you are saying that Doctor Who... the series is the basis of this religion, and not that we should worship the character of the Doctor?
LUKE: Yeah. I mean how annoyed did we used to get when people called the character ‘Doctor Who’...
THEY BOTH SHIVER SARCASTICALLY.
MATT: You know as time has gone by I’ve become less... what’s the word?
LUKE: Precious?
MATT: Yeah. I’ve become less precious about him being called just ‘The Doctor’.
LUKE: What? You no longer feel the need to remove their eyes with a spoon?
MATT: Hmmm, now we sound like the religious nutters.
SCENE 4
ACTION TRANSITION – INTERIOR - CHURCH - DAY, QUIET ORGAN MUSIC. MATT JUMPS ONTO THE TABLE AND TAKES UP HIS NEXT CHARACTER. AGAIN A LIGHTING CHANGE WOULD BE USED.
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VICAR (M): Welcome, todays reading will be taken from Chapter 6 Paragraph 4 of Terrance Dick’s novelisation of ‘The Green Death’, and our first hymn will be number 276 – ‘Doctorin’ the Tardis’ by The Time Lords...
GRAMS: A CHURCH ORGAN VERSION OF ‘DOCTORIN’ THE TARDIS’ BEGINS AND FADES QUICKLY BACK INTO...
SCENE 5
ACTION TRANSITION – RETURN TO CHARACTER AND THE LIVING ROOM.
LUKE: I see your point. Though to be fair we aren’t really that likely to do any actual taking over churches.
MATT: So, does the TV show fit your three things?
LUKE: Four if we count your morality thing. Well, the first one is obvious. Control.
MATT: What do you mean by ‘Control’?
LUKE: Oh you know. Gives order to society. Keeps people in their place. Prevents civil unrest, that sort of thing.
MATT: Not sure it fits there.
SCENE 6
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ACTION TRANSITION – LIGHTING CHANGE. LUKE NOW SITS ON THE ARM OF THE SOFA. LEANING OUT AS IF HE IS IN A HELECOPTER – NIGHT – SOUNDSCAPE CHANGES - A RIOT – WINDOWS SMASH - A HELICOPTER HOVERS OVERHEAD. THE POLICEMAN SPEAKS VIA A MEGAPHONE.
POLICEMAN (L): This is your final warning... Return to your homes... We have been promised... by the government... that all future showings of Doctor Who will be never again be shown with squashed-up end credits...
F/X: ANOTHER WINDOW SMASHES.
POLICEMAN: I repeat, return to your homes...
SCENE 7
ACTION TRANSITION – RETURN TO LIVING ROOM.
LUKE: Don’t be so sure. That the show isn’t about control... It is on television... Isn’t television the real opium of the masses?
MATT: Good point. I once heard someone say that... If you want to prevent a revolution you use television and if you want to cause a revolution you use radio.
LUKE: Nice, Where did you hear that?
MATT: Radio 4 probably. And point two... what was it?
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LUKE: ‘Hope’, to provide hope.
MATT: What do you mean by that?
LUKE: Well it’s usually... hope... about an afterlife. The religion usually offers some sort of carrot to do with eternal life and happiness. It’s to change the behaviour of its subjects to something more socially acceptable.
SCENE_10
ACTION TRANSITION – MATT STANDS IN THE CENTRE OF THE STAGE. SOLOM. - A CROW IN THE DISTANCE. A BELL TOLLS. A CHILL WIND, A CHURCH YARD.
VICAR (M): ...And though I walk through the valley of the Cybermen... I will fear no evil: For the Doctor is with me; His screwdriver comforts me...
HE THROWS SOIL IS THROWN ONTO THE COFFIN.
VICAR: Ashes to ashes. From Axon to Zarbi... He is with you.... Always...
SCENE_11
ACTION TRANSITION – RETURN TO LIVING ROOM
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MATT: So... its like Vikings giving up their pillaging ways and accepting Christianity in order to get into heaven?
LUKE: Or setting off a suicide bomb in order to get an extra quota of virgins in the afterlife.
MATT: Did you know that is supposed to be a mistranslation?
LUKE: Do you know that for a fact or did you hear that in the pub?
MATT: In the pub I think. But I am sure that it’s true.
LUKE: I guess that’s part of it too. A sense of certainty. Religion gives you something truly concrete to believe in. They have prayer and what do we have?
MATT: No direct line to a deity?
LUKE: Not for us, we have our stories but no celestial Twitter feed... We have DVDs... Our books...mp3s and CDs. Or the internet... Oh and don’t forget good old VHS.
MATT: Do we have ‘Unshakable faith’? Like the Doctor hasd in ‘Curse of Fenric’?
LUKE: Ah ‘faith’ over ‘religion’... This is going to be a huge can of worms. So maybe the show can’t be a religion because it doesn’t have an active after life policy... In Doctor Who, once you are dead you are dead. No resurrection on judgement day. No heaven and no hell. Not even ghosts.
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MATT: No ghosts? Are you sure?
LUKE: Yep, every time there has been the slightest suggestion of a ghost in the show, it has turned out to be... a lost time traveller. Or a psychic echo, or something like that... Something based firmly in completely concrete... and totally made- up science. The Doctor even says he doesn’t believe in ghosts.
MATT: Ah, but what about the resurrection? That’s a bit of a sacred cow with Christians.
LUKE: How many times did Jesus come back from the dead? Just the once by all accounts? Ours is at eleven and counting. Sorry mate... We are still ahead. And that’s not what this is all about... It’s about... About what people choose to believe in. And on the subject of sacred cows... would our religion have any specific rules about food?
MATT: Well, we wouldn’t have a sacrament as such... but I know I think about the Doctor every time I have a jelly baby or jammie dodger. Would that do?
LUKE: I mean would we demand that the followers are vegetarian, like the Doctor became after the ‘Two Doctors’...?
MATT: Nah, I am not sure that stuck anyway... Get back to what we were saying... Ah! I’ve got it! This is could actually be the new religion’s USP?
LUKE: USP?
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MATT: Unique Selling Point. This religion doesn’t have an afterlife...
SCENE_12
ACTION TRANSITION – MATT BACK ON THE SOFA. REALLY GOING FOR IT- INTEROR CHURCH- PULPIT.
VICAR (L): (LIKE AN AMERICAN EVANGELIST) And I tell you this... Once you are gone you are gone forever... Yes... River Song may live on as a computer simulated personality but she is dead... and gone forever.... So learn from this and go out into the world and make your life count! Change the world for the better! And may the Blue Light guide your way... always...
SCENE_13
ACTION TRANSITION – RETURN TO THE LIVING ROOM.
MATT: So... The other religions wave a metaphorical stick at you and say “be good or be damned.”
LUKE: Or “be good and be rewarded.”
MATT: But your religion says... “Be good to each other because you only have one life... Don’t waste it.”
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LUKE: I like what you are saying there. It’s a religion that doesn’t need an afterlife. Kind of scary and uplifting at the same time. It could make us look after our planet for a change.
MATT: The Doctor is always banging on about responsibility and consequences so that kind of fits.
LUKE: Oh don’t get me started on responsibility and The Doctor. The guy is a nightmare.
MATT: What do you mean?
LUKE: Look at the evidence, especially in the classic series. He turns up, sees a problem and fixes it.
MATT: Or gets the locals to fix their own problems.
LUKE: And then what does he do? He leaves. Just vanishes off to become a myth.
MATT: What’s wrong with that? It’s the classic tale of the stranger.
LUKE: What’s wrong? What’s wrong! He never offers to rebuild society. He never helps with the ground work. Look at ‘The Sunmakers’.
MATT: Production code ‘4W’.
LUKE: Don’t do that.
MATT: What?
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LUKE: (DEEP BREATH) Tell me the production code number for the story. It’s really annoying... In ‘The Sunmakers’ the Doctor stops the evil tax man and causes city-wide rebellion... and then goes on his merry way.
MATT: Yeah.
LUKE: And do you think that the authorities in the other nine mega-cities will stand for this? He is basically condemning the rebels to death. Not a great moral act.
MATT: Not the act of a religious figure...
LUKE: Definitely not! And there are so many other examples of The Doctor simply not following through. But what is the alternative?
SCENE_14
ACTION TRANSITION – INTERIOR - SHOP DAY. MATT ENTERS THE SHOP. LUKE IS A SILENT BOOK SELLER.
SHOPPER (M): Hello, I was wondering if you could help me... I am looking for a Doctor Who book.. It’s called ‘An exciting adventure with the Doctor and his team of civic planners’.
SCENE_15
ACTION TRANSITION – RETURN TO THE LIVING ROOM.
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LUKE: Fair enough. So we have a... what did you call it?
MATT: Unique Selling Point. USP
LUKE: Our USP. No afterlife.
MATT: And in all fairness… there isn’t a lot of people who still believe in an afterlife.
LUKE: Are you sure about that? Or is that something else you heard in a pub?
MATT: Well... Pub mainly... But it makes sense. Two thousand years ago we had Greek and Roman gods... But these days we get taught those stories in school as fairy stories and that’s not even seen as remotely blasphemous.
LUKE: This is all going a bit ‘Dawkins’.
SCENE_16
ACTION TRANSITION – VERY FAST LIGHTING CHANGE FOR THE DELIIVERY OF AS SINGLE ;LINE THEN RATURN TO NORMAL – A SINGLE SPOTLIGHT IS ON MATT AS HE SAYS
RICHARD DAWKINS (M):Hello, I am Richard Dawkins, noted atheist, Biologist and Author and I defiantly do not endorse this or any other religion what so ever.
SCENE_17
ACTION TRANSITION – RETURN TO LIVING ROOM
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MATT: Dawkins is an ideal person to include in any Doctor Who-based religion.
LUKE: Sorry?
MATT: Here we have a guy who married the actress who played Romana! They met at Douglas Adams’ 40th birthday party. He is practically a fan boy.
LUKE: So... A man who married an assistant and was friends with a script editor and...
MATT: And appeared in an actual episode with Matt Smith.
LUKE: You bought his book didn’t you?
MATT: Yes, on CD, just to hear Lalla Ward swear. And if you remember correctly... I bought it for you too... In dead tree format.
LUKE: For Christmas.
MATT: Yes for Christmas... Ah... I can see a problem here.
LUKE: Just the one?
MATT: Yes... No... I mean what happens to Christmas?
LUKE: What do you mean, “What happens to Christmas”?
MATT: It’s a Christian holiday.
LUKE: Is it now? Let me ask you this... What comes into your mind when I say Christmas...? And don’t lie.
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MATT: I’m supposed to say things like – spending time with the family – or an enormous meal - or terrible jumpers.. and the truth?
LUKE: It’s the Doctor Who Christmas special isn’t it?
MATT: Yeah, the annual time to gather your relatives round and try and make them shut the hell up for the best part of an hour. It’s a nightmare. I end up taping it and watching it later.
LUKE: And the build up to the day? How do you think about that? Is it Advent? Or...
MATT: Basically it’s a countdown to the day Doctor Who is on. Not that I’d admit that beyond these walls.
LUKE: So, what we are really saying here is that Christmas is already a day to celebrate Doctor Who in everything but name.
MATT: And there are all the gifts! What did you get yourself last year? DVD box set? So it keeps the economy going too. I like where this is going.
MATT: Actually it’s even better than that. What about if we replace Santa!
SCENE 18
ACTION TRANSITION – A BUSY SHOP AT CHRISTMAS, WE CAN HEAR PIPED SEASONAL MUZAC AND SHOPPERS. THE SOFA IS NOW THE CENTRE OF AN EX SANTAS GROTTO MATT SITS ON THE SOFA. A CHANGE OF COAT.
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EX SANTA (M): step this way into my grotto... I mean Tardis... Yes... Tardis.
SUSAN ENTERS THE GROTTO
EX SANTA (M): Hello little girl... And what’s your name?
SUSAN (L): It’s Susan.
F/X: THEY STEP THROUGH A TINSEL CURTAIN.
EX SANTA (M): Behold!... Susan!...The Tardis! See how it is bigger on the inside!
SUSAN (L): Not that much bigger.and it looks like it’s made of cardboard.
EX SANTA (M): Ho Ho Ho... I mean... Reverse the polarity of the neutron flow.
SUSAN (L): What?
EX SANTA (M): I mean... Geronimo! Showing my age there. Now... Little girl, what would you like the Doctor to bring you for Christmas?
SUSAN (L): Before I give you my list... How do I know you are the real Doctor?
EX SANTA (M): I asure you young lady I am the real Doctor. I am the definitive article.
SUSAN (L): The shop down the street has a Christmas Doctor in their toy department and he said he was real too... and he had a much nicer coat.
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EX SANTA (M): Ah... er... I have regenerated and we are both realy the real Doctor... At the same time.
SUSAN (L): Ok... and then there’s what my brother says.
EX SANTA (M): And what does he say?
SUSAN (L): He says that you couldn’t possibly deliver to all the children of Earth in one night and you would need a sack the size of Birmingham to carry all the gifts.
EX SANTA (M): Birmingham?
SUSAN (L): He did the maths... and how do you get into our houses? He thinks it’s really mum and dad with the presents...
EX SANTA (M): Ah, let me assure you Susan... With my trusty Tardis I can travel to every house on this world in a single night and I have no need for chimneys. And as you can see around you the Tardis is more than big enough to carry all the gifts I would need. You can tell your brother from me that he is wrong. Now what would you like for Christmas.
SUSAN (L): A pony!
SCENE 19
ACTION TRANSITION RETURN TO LIVING ROOM.
MATT: And then there are still the economic issues.
LUKE: Economic issues?
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MATT: Yeah. Most shops make the profit they need to survive the following year through the turn over at Christmas.
LUKE: Like I said, I am not going to get rid of Christmas. And as for gifts? Well, you said so yourself. The BBC has provided us with enough plastic tat to float the economy of Europe.
MATT: It’s not the BBC who makes the toys. The toy makers go to the BBC and buy the rights to make a toy.
LUKE: Is that why we end up with some seriously tacky stuff?
MATT: And the reason we had a two-handed Davros doll in the nineties.
LUKE: Or that five-sided TARDIS console.
MATT: Or that green K9 toy... Mine finally fell off my dashboard you know.
LUKE: Mine is still in its original packing. I must get onto eBay some time. Anyway where were we?
MATT: Christmas being replaced by ‘Doctor-Who-Mass’. I’m not so sure about the name.
LUKE: I don’t think changing the name would work and getting rid of it completely is silly. We aren’t doing an Oliver Cromwell here.
MATT: So... is it ok to just hijack another religion’s festival?
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LUKE: Why not? Most religions do it.
MATT: You what?
LUKE: Why do you think Easter moves every year?
MATT: You know, I always wondered why that happens. I just assumed it was to make it happen on a weekend in the spring.
LUKE: It’s worked out using the Jewish calendar. And that’s worked out using phases of the moon.
MATT: Makes sense. I mean Jesus was a Jew.
LUKE: The Christians were always doing it with dates and places. “Oh Mister local pagan – what a coincidence that your major winter festival falls on the same date as our saviour’s birthday”, and then there is the ever-popular “Let’s build a church on top of your sacred ground – after all you already make the pilgrimages here and it will save you the trouble of learning some new location.”
MATT: That sounds a little cynical if you ask me.
LUKE: Do you really think Jesus’ birthday was the 25th of December? What do you know about the ‘first Christmas’?
MATT: I’ve never really thought about it. I mean there is the Roman census... and the wise men and the star. Oh and King Herod ordering the death of the male children or something.
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LUKE: That only appears in one gospel! And as for the Roman census... There are no records of a Roman census in 6BC or 10AD so the dates are all over the place too. It looks like that bit was made up to get Jesus to be born in Bethlehem.
MATT: Why?
LUKE: There was this random prophecy that the messiah would be born there and be descended from King David’s line... So they had to take the bloke from Nazareth and place him in Bethlehem. Also helps the Bethlehem tourist board.
MATT: Tell that to the knights on the crusade.
LUKE: Exactly. And there are no records of the first-born male being killed off. And that sort of thing usually goes down in history. And... what about the three wise men?
MATT: What about them?
LUKE: They didn’t turn up for years.
MATT: You really need to watch less ‘QI’. So, basically you are saying that the actual history differs massively from the stories we all know and love. Well, primary school teachers know and love.
LUKE: Maybe that’s it. It’s only a children’s story that used to have massive significance but now only serves to makes parents go all gooey-eyed.
MATT: I suppose that is true of most religions really.
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LUKE: What? That they are just stories that have become so woven into society that we don’t question them?
MATT: Which lends more weight to Doctor Who being a religion?
LUKE: How?
MATT: Well, If all religions are basically interpretations of a text of some sort, then this is no different. OK so the others are taken more seriously but they are basically just a set of stories that guide someone’s life.
LUKE: Which is what we have in Doctor Who.
MATT: Maybe we are focusing too much on it being a religion like the other ones
LUKE: Well you started this. What did you have in mind?
MATT: Something more... esoteric.
LUKE: Now there’s a word you don’t hear outside an H.P.Lovecraft book... Something more magical?
MATT: Yeah. Like astrology.
SCENE 20
A NULL SPACE. ETHEREAL AND CHEAP- SOUNDING – TINKLING BELLS.
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ASTROLOGER (L): And now a reading for Sea Devils the water sign: A man with a beard will try and win you over with kind words. Beware him for he is evil personified. A tall man with an old and young face will put you back to sleep to rise another day. It is a good day to wear a string vest.
SCENE 21
ACTION TRANSITION RETURN TO THE LIVING ROOM.
LUKE: That’s just silly... (PAUSE) And it’s getting us away from the matter at hand. You asked if Doctor Who could be a religion. Right, and it does... just about fit... the criteria so far.
MATT: Well... ish... What about the third one you mentioned?
LUKE: What? To provide an explanation for the whole universe? Isn’t that science’s job?
MATT: The problem here.. is that we have two different versions of the creation of the universe in Doctor Who.
LUKE: Three if you count ‘Slipback.’
MATT: Slipback?
LUKE: It was a Radio 2 play written by Eric Saward, broadcast in the hiatus year. I have it on tape somewhere; you can borrow it if you like. In it, the Doctor almost prevents the creation of the universe.
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MATT: Spoilers sweety!...Brilliant. So we have that one, the events in the story ‘Terminus’ and the second big bang caused by the Doctor and Amy in... what was it called?
LUKE: ‘The Big Bang’.
MATT: Yeah. What was that story called?
LUKE: ‘The Big Bang’.
LUKE: (EXASPERATED) Yes. What was the story called?
MATT: The story was called ‘The Big Bang’.
LUKE: And that’s not really a problem either.
MATT: Why?
LUKE: Because the bible has two different versions of the creation myth too.
MATT: Look, I can’t say I’ve read the book but I am pretty sure that there is only one version.
LUKE: Right... In Genesis Chapter One the universe is created. You know the one?
MATT: Let there be light?
LUKE: Yeah... Let there be light. Actually there is all sorts of stuff about there being nothing but a ‘word’, but that’s all a bit metaphysical for my liking. Basically Chapter One of Genesis is spent with the creation of everything spread over a handy six days.
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MATT: Seven.
LUKE: Six. He has a nice lie-down on Sunday.
MATT: Oh yeah, I forgot.
LUKE: And then... it starts again. We get more creation and we then get the Adam and Eve story. Creation two-point-zero. Now, if I remember correctly, these two different stories were from different tribes which brought them together and tried to make then fit...
MATT: Like we do with television continuity.
LUKE: So... are you saying that bits of the Bible are like... fixing a date for the UNIT Stories?
MATT: Ah... Maybe...You know when we watch the Stories with UNIT in them we try and work out when they are set. Is it a near future like the 1980s or did the Brig actually retire before he actually did most of his most-impressive work?
LUKE: Exactly. As long as you simply sit back and let the stories wash over you and don’t question the details then everything is fine.
MATT: Just one huge problem with that.
LUKE: What, that Sarah Jane Smith tells the Sontaran that she is from 1980?
MATT: No. A problem with accepting all of the Doctor Who creation myths. Actually the same problem with accepting the Bible’s version.
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LUKE: What?
MATT: None of them are what actually happened.
LUKE: Good point... its not as if anyone was actually around fourteen and a half billion years ago that you can simply ask.
MATT: Ah, but all is not lost!
LUKE: Isn’t it?
MATT: No. You see with our religion we don’t need a creation myth. Just like the afterlife. We don’t need them. This is a ‘Rationalist Faith’.
LUKE: Isn’t that an oxymoron?
MATT: Who are you calling.... never mind... I can’t believe you are still trying to pull off the oxymoron gag after almost thirty years of friendship.
LUKE: You said it was rationalist?
MATT: Yes. And you said... back when we started this whole thing… Was that the one thing we have to remember is that we aren’t saying that Doctor Who is real.
LUKE: Shame really.
MATT: Oh, I don’t think so. All that constant invasion from space. It would do my head in. And all that interference from aliens.
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LUKE: I see your point. There is hardly a single bit of human history. Any achievement that we could call our own if we lived in a universe where Doctor Who was real. We couldn’t take pride in anything.
MATT: Pyramids?
LUKE: Built by aliens as a prison gateway.
MATT: Stonehenge?
LUKE: Built over a prison for the Doctor.
MATT: Yeah I always thought ‘Under Henge’ sounded like a piece of Victorian corsetry. Oh, and it was built by the Meddling Monk too.
LUKE: Good point. Even the Great Fire of London was at the hands of the bloke in cricket gear.
MATT: Nothing would be sacred if we lived in a universe where the Doctor was real.
SCENE 21
ACTION TRANSITION _- LUKE IS BEHIND THE SOFA HE IS NOW A POLICE MAN BEHIND AN ENQUIRIES DESK – PHONES RINGING IN THE BACKGROUND.
WORIRIED MAN (MATT) ENTERS , LUKE MIMES A GLASS DOOR BEING SLID BACK.
WORRIED MAN (M): Hello, can you help me Officer? It’s my wife. She has vanished.
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POLICEMAN (L): Sorry to hear that Sir, I will get the correct form.
WORRIED MAN (M): Form! She could be dead in a ditch somewhere!
POLICEMAN (L): There is a procedure to follow, Sir. Now, can I ask if she was an attractive nubile young woman? Good at screaming? Acts a little dim but is actually surprisingly street smart?
WORRIED MAN (M): What’s that got to do with anything!? And yes, she is... how did you know?
POLICEMAN (L): Thats quite alright Sir, I think she has just gone off to travel the universe with the last Time Lord. Now if she had been unattractive we may be looking at disintegration by an alien invasion force.
WORRIED MAN (M): That would be awful... Another alien invasion. Ah, it can’t be an alien invasion, they only happen on a Saturday night.
POLICEMAN (L): Thats rather naïve thinking, Sir, if you don’t mind me saying.
WORRIED MAN (M): Is there anything I can do?
POLICEMAN (L): Well, as luck would have it, there are a couple of highly classified and Top Secret Agencies who could be in a position to help. I have a phone number here on a post it note and I can give you their address... Now, about this form…
SCENE 22
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ACTION TRANSITION RETURN TO THE LIVING ROOM.
LUKE: There is a theory that in an infinite universe all possibilities must logically be played out, and therefore something that exists in fiction in one world... One dimension, is reality in another. So therefore, given the nature of the Tardis.... Doctor Who is real.
MATT: That’s rubbish. Did you read that on the back of a cereal packet?
LUKE: No. Some corner of the internet. Anyway you are right. It is rubbish. For a start the universe isn’t actually infinite and for another...
MATT & LUKE (TOGETHER) Doctor Who isn’t real. (LAUGHTER)
LUKE: So... what did you mean when you said it would be a ‘rationalist faith’?
MATT: Well, the one thing that always seems to be at the centre of Doctor Who is its moral framework.
LUKE: Yeah just like any religion.
MATT: And any story. Here we have a guy who doesn’t carry a gun.
LUKE: Most of the time.
MATT: Doesn’t use violence
LUKE: Most of the time.
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MATT: Always looks for another solution to a problem, one that uses brain not brawn.
LUKE: Like I said. Most of the time... I mean... he isn’t perfect. If he did become the figurehead of a religion then he would be the most flawed...
MATT: Flawed?
LUKE: Yeah. Almost human... Half Human?
MATT: Oh don’t bring that up. You kept saying “most of the time.” What do you mean?
LUKE: Well, he has been known to be callous. I mean what about ‘Vengeance on Varos’?
MATT: What, the infamous kills-a-guard-in-a-handy-acid- bath scene? Mary Whitehouse was less than impressed.
LUKE: No, if you watch that scene back in slow-mo you can clearly see the guy falls in by accident. No, I mean the bit where the Doctor sets up a gun to kill anyone coming round the corner. I mean, that’s totaly calious... malicious, even.
MATT: Or when Matt Smith’s Doctor plants the homing beacon on the bloke from Harry Potter’s spaceship in the one with the dinosaurs.
LUKE: Or when the third Doctor shoots a passing Ogron just because he is there.
MATT: He was in the middle of a battle. Anyway they fixed that in the special edition of the DVD. Making the Ogron shoot first.
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LUKE: Like Guido in Star Wars? My god. Even we aren’t above rewriting history.
MATT: No, but basically, we have a real hero, someone to look up to. Someone willing to do hugely monstrous things for the good of the universe.
LUKE: In whose opinion?
MATT: What do you mean?
LUKE: Look you have seen enough television and real life to know that one person’s good is another person’s evil. The Doctor basically killed his own race. Removed them from history in ‘The Time War’. Because he thought he knew better. But they were only ‘bad’ because the pepper-pots were threatening the whole universe.
MATT: Again... Not real! And will you stop doing the rabbit ears every time you say ‘bad’ or ‘good’ – it’s very off-putting.
LUKE: OK, no more rabbit ears. What I am saying is that his actions are subjective but we go along with them because we are emotionally connected to the character.
MATT: And that’s a bad thing?
LUKE: It is when we take that lesson into real life. We should question the decisions of others and the ones we make too.
MATT: I always thought that was the sort of thing the Doctor stood for.
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LUKE: Maybe.
MATT: The Doctor would come along, get people to think for themselves. To figure things out and act. He usually tried to get the locals to solve their own problems.
LUKE: Like in ‘Face of Evil’, where he gets everyone to turn on their own god!
MATT: A god which turns out to be a computer that has gone mad and thinks he is both god and -
LUKE: And the Doctor himself.
MATT: Are there a lot of gods in Doctor Who?
LUKE: A few, but they are usually aliens taking the locals for a ride. Or more likely messing with the development of humans.
MATT: There are the Daemons from the Pertwee story.
LUKE: The Daemons, yeah, cloven-hoofed and goat- headed – no prize for guessing how humanity saw them.
MATT: Wasn’t there an Arthur C Clarke book where the aliens all looked like the devil too?
LUKE: ‘Childhood’s End’, yeah, it’s a little depressing at the end, guess that’s why it’s never been made into a film. Oh and the Martians in ‘Quatermass and the Pit’. They had demonic form too.
MATT: And who else in Doctor Who?
LUKE: On the god front?
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MATT: Yeah.
LUKE: Well Barbra, companion to the first Doctor, the queen of cardigans and beehive hair. She was mistaken for a god in...
MATT: ‘The Aztecs’. Yeah, but that was a simple case of mistaken identity. Who else?
LUKE: Off the top of my head? I think that the big one has to be Sutekh – the destroyer in ‘Pyramids of Mars.’
MATT: Wasn’t he an actual god? I mean like from Egyptian mythology?
LUKE: Well that’s it isn’t it! Clarke’s Law! You mentioned it yourself... Come on, you remember.
MATT: Sorry?
LUKE: In the King Arthur Story – the brilliant Sylvester McCoy one...
MATT: ‘Ghostlight?’
LUKE: No, that one is about evolution... ‘Battlefield’. The Doctor is talking about how one day he will become Merlin, and that these people are from another dimension, a place where magic and science are indistinguishable from each other.
MATT: (REMEMBERING) And in the scene on the spiral staircase, Ace talks about Clarke’s Law: ‘Any sufficiently-advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.’
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LUKE: The same must be true of religion. Any sufficiently-advanced technology is indistinguishable from a religion.
MATT: So most of the major world religions could be interpretations of alien intervention? That’s a bit too ‘von Däniken’ for my liking.
LUKE: We are Doctor Who fans – everything is a bit too ‘von Däniken’ if you think about it. But what we are saying is that most religious books could be perfectly happy on the shelves of a sci-fi department in a bookstore. Only they would need to be better written and have a more coherent continuity.
MATT: So, the Doctor spends most of his time taking the wind out of the sails of these alien god types and getting their worshippers to question their place in society.
LUKE: Yes. And the one thing he doesn’t do is say “Hey guys, I am the replacement god”.
MATT: That doesn’t really help with your argument.
SCENE 23
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ACTION TRANSITION - EXTERIOR - DAY - A BARREN WASTELAND – A DISTANT WORLD, A HUGE CROWD HAS GATHERED ALL SEEN THROUGH MIME/PHYSICAL THEATRE/SOUND AND LIGHTING. SUGEST BLUE LIGHTS FROM ABOVE. OR THE USE OF PUPPETS FROM BEHIND THE SOFA.
ALIEN 1(M): Excuse me. Excuse me. Small blue man with four arms coming through.
ALIEN 2(L): Oh, hello! Not seen you for ages!
ALIEN 1(M): I know. Its been... eons. What have I missed?
ALIEN 2(L): Oooh, loads, The skinny alien in the long coat with the nice hair... has just made a lovely speech about how we are supposed to take control of our own destiny and... apparently... that cheese makers actually are blessed.
ALIEN 1(M): Cheese makers? That’s nice. What else?
ALIEN 2(L): Well there was a kerfuffle and the new president said she wanted the nice alien to stay and help rebuild society.
ALIEN 1(M): Like you do... well, I can’t see that happening.
ALIEN 2(L): Me either... anyway... oh, there’s something going on…
ALIEN 1(M): What’s happening, I can’t hear?
ALIEN 2(L): He is trying to leave.
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ALIEN 1(M): Told you he wouldn’t want to hang around. Still. Nice that he saved us from those marauding hordes.
ALIEN 2(L): I know, lovely isn’t it. Do you think he is the saviour foretold in our ancient texts?
ALIEN 1(M): Might as well be. We haven’t had a saviour for a while... Only this one has that lovely blue box?
ALIEN 2(L): ‘Blue Box Messiah’.
ALIEN 1(M): Oh, I like the sound of that... (SHOUTING) Blue Box Messiah! Blue Box Messiah!
A RACK OF SIMILAR PUPPETS, ALL ATATCHED TO THE BACK OF THE SOFA FLIP UP AND ALL CHANT “BLUE BOX MESSIAH”.
ALIEN 2: Oh,sush every one...The female is trying to speak...
ALIEN 1: I can’t hear her... what’s she saying?
ALIEN 2: She says, “He’s not a messiah, he’s a very naughty Time Lord”.
ALIEN 1: Charming...
SCENE 24
ACTION TRANSITION RETURN TO THE LIVING ROOM.
LUKE: I don’t want to go all Monty Python here.
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MATT: Ah! You are saying that this messiah, this Blue Box Messiah... Well ... A god by another name wouldn’t say he was a god, even if he was... which he isn’t.
LUKE: Just like Brian, he also says that he is the Messiah and that goes badly too. He can’t win and neither can the Doctor. I mean, for most of the RTD era... he was called the Lonely God.
MATT: And in the books published in the wilderness years he exhibited powers and behaviour just like a god. And that brought about his downfall.
LUKE: Do those count? I guess for this argument they are like the Apocrypha.
MATT: The what?
LUKE: The Apocrypha. I have a copy somewhere. It’s hilarious.
MATT: Yeah, but what is it?
LUKE: Basically, when the church sat down and collected all the different books of the Bible together by all the different authors and traditions, and tried to make a single cohesive book.
MATT: Sounds like the sort of thing Doctor Who fans do.
LUKE: Yeah, I suppose... anyway they had some books left over.
MATT: Like bits in flat-pack funtiture?
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LUKE: If you like... though I have never had bits left over... And these were stories that were... well, too odd... Too unbelievable to be included into the main edition. They were moral and often... uplifting... but still. There are dragons and all sorts of weird stuff going on there.
MATT: But they left in ‘Revelations’.
LUKE: Exactly. Now that is one odd story. So maybe the Doctor Who spin-off stories are like that. Still officially sanctioned.
MATT: By the church?
LUKE: No, by BBC Enterprises. But they don’t really count because they weren’t on television.
MATT: Basically they count. If you want them to. So where does this leave ‘Torchwood’ or ‘The Sarah Jane Adventures’?
LUKE: Like the spin-off books. They only really count if you want them to. I thought you liked ‘The Sarah Jane Adventures’.
MATT: I loved that, but If there is any way of making the ‘Cyberwoman’ episode of ‘Torchwood’ not count, I am MORE than up for that.
LUKE: Or ‘Miracle Day’?
MATT: Ten hours of my life I will never get back.
LUKE: All this talk of making things count, or, more importantly, NOT count, is making this sound like articles of faith in a religion.
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MATT: So where does all this come from?
LUKE: The writers?
MATT: Or the Executive Producers like Moffat or RTD.
LUKE: And in the old days, Barry Letts or Philip Hinchcliffe.
MATT: Wasn’t Letts a Buddhist?..So ,the Doctor, and not just Doctor Who, the show, is actually an amalgam of the works of many people.
LUKE: Obviously. And I guess the same is true of most of the characters in the world’s holy books. None of those have been written by the people who are actually in them. They are all... someone’s opinion... filtered observations at best… Or more likely works of fiction. All from the various writers’ points of view.
MATT: So, does that make the ‘show runners’ in to a sort of Pope? You know, taking the word of the Time Lord and giving it to the people. Interpreting it in their own way.
LUKE: I can see your point. But I think you are drawing too much of a parallel with Christianity.
MATT: Like I was saying... The Doctor is the moral heart. Agreed?
LUKE: Agreed.
MATT: And his outlook on life is... ‘To try and do his best’... ‘to have faith in his friends... and science’.
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LUKE: Though it is definably NOT that science is the solution to everything.
MATT: The Doctor is often battling foes that have used science to meet their own nefarious ends.
LUKE: Come again?
MATT: When the Doctor uses mad science it seems to work. And when other people do the same, it ends badly and is usually part of their plan for world domination.
LUKE: ’Green Death’.
MATT: Giant maggots.
LUKE: ‘City of Death’.
MATT: Insane time travel to destroy history.
LUKE: ’Robots of Death’.
MATT: Insane reprogramming of robots – have you ever noticed how many stories have the word ‘Death’ in the title?
LUKE: (IGNORING THE QUESTION) ‘Underwater Menace’
MATT: No idea.
LUKE: Drown Atlantis... apparently.
MATT: I thought Atlantis drowned in that Pertwee story?
LUKE: ‘Time Monster’. Yes, it does, We don’t like to talk about it... probably a different Atlantis.
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MATT: Fair enough. So the Doctor believes in Science as a tool but not as the solution to everything. So... I guess that the real solution to most of his problems has been... well... not to put too fine a point on it... Love.
LUKE: Especially lately.
MATT: I mean... take Amy for example: she talked a bomb out of exploding by appealing to its humanity.
LUKE: Don’t remind me. It made me feel sick at the time.
MATT: Or, Smithy... what’s his face? Craig in the Lodger.
LUKE: That Cybermen story.... ‘Closing Time’?
MATT: Yeah, in that. It was ‘Love’ that conquered all and made the Cybermen explode.
LUKE: Again... left a bad taste in my mouth. But I will agree that one of the Doctor’s main weapons is Love. Just like a few other great leaders.
MATT: So that makes him a great figure to look up to. To hold as a moral compass.
LUKE: Yeah. You can now go through life asking yourself “What Would The Doctor Do?”
MATT: Oooh, that would make a good T-shirt. Or a bracelet. You know like the Americans have?
LUKE: I have no idea what you are saying.
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MATT: Some American Christians have these bracelets with letters engraved in them: W.W.J.D.
LUKE: W.W.J.D?
MATT: Yeah. It means ‘What Would Jesus Do?’
LUKE: I guess it’s not as perfect here though. I mean he would probably do something using made-up science. Or even worse, put his friends in danger.
MATT: Or in the real world... The answer to the question ‘What Would the Doctor Do’ is simply: he would be bored to death by our mundane life and problems.
LUKE: Good point. Still. It would make a nice bracelet... Silver with W.W.T.D.D engraved on it.
MATT: (TO HIMSELF) That’s this Christmas sorted then.
LUKE: What was that?
MATT: Nothing. So.... What about bigger concepts like Good and Evil? Or The Devil!?
LUKE: Traditionally The Doctor is seen as good and the other big alien races are evil. This was a show for the whole family after all. Those angry pepper- pots were genetically designed to have no mercy or pity. To literally be inhuman. The Cybermen too. No emotion. So in this universe... an absence of emotion equates to ‘Evil’.
LUKE: And we are back to love conquering all?
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MATT: But then there’s the problem with the Devil himself.
LUKE: Well. As we have no afterlife in this religion the Devil is kind of redundant. No heaven. Ergo.... No hell. And no need for a Devil. I can’t see your problem.
MATT: Two words. ‘Impossible Planet’.
LUKE: Bugger. You are right. A story with the actual Devil in it.
MATT: Written by a card-carrying atheist too!
LUKE: Bleeding Russell T Davies.
MATT: What does the T stand for?
LUKE: It doesn’t stand for anything. He just put it in.
MATT: I thought it might be ‘Tiberius’ like Captain Kirk... Do you think that Star Trek could be a religion then?
LUKE: No... ‘Trek’ is about the US military in space. All good intentions but basically interfering when they think they know best. It’s not got the same structure as Doctor Who. Its heart feels different. More rigid.
MATT: So what about the Devil then? Do you include it in the religion or not?
LUKE: Maybe... I mean in the story ‘The Beast’...
MATT: Red... Horns... Hideous face... 200 Feet tall... Living in torment in a fiery pit...
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LUKE: That’s the chap... is a creature that even the Doctor doesn’t understand. He could be just another hugely powerful alien.
MATT: Or he could be the Devil himself. Though I can’t see any soul collection and that sort of thing. Or is that more Peter Cook’s department?
LUKE: How about ... We leave that in as an ambiguity? Another exception to prove a point for people who need that sort of thing and...
SCENE 25
ACTION TRANSITION INTERIOR - EVANGELICAL CHURCH. STANDING ON THE TABLE.
VICAR (M): And.... lo... was the Devil left on the lonely asteroid... the one just to the right of a black hole... and left to be ignored... as he raises far too many issues for us to deal with... we will now sing the next hymn – ‘Who is Dr Who’ by the Go- Go’s
CHURCH MUSIC QUICK FADE.
SCENE 26
ACTION TRANSITION RETURN TO THE LIVING ROOM.
MATT: For those who don’t need that sort of thing it’s just a giant red alien with mind powers.
LUKE: Exactly.
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MATT: (PAUSE) Finally, there is still the problem of what to shout.
LUKE: What do you mean “what to shout’?
MATT: You know... in sex... at the end... I can’t see people not calling out to god when they... you know.
LUKE: Fair point. If you shout “Doctor” then the person you are with will think that you have taken ill and need medical help.
MATT: Instead of shouting “God” you could shout “Lord”?. Maybe shouting “Tardis” is a bit of a stretch.
LUKE: I’ll tell you what... Next time you are doing it, I bet the urge to shout “Tardis” pops into your head.
MATT: Maybe that will help with... never mind. So! What do we have?
LUKE: We have... A made-up religion based on a made- up show that uses ideas that are lifted from other places and religions.
MATT: We have more than that.
LUKE: Really?
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MATT: We have a religion for a generation of television viewers who also believe in science, evolution and the Big Bang. We have a a moral framework inspired by one of the great literary characters of our time.
LUKE: Great, another religion inspired by science fiction. Just what we need. This one is just a little more upfront about being based on science fiction.
MATT: This isn’t Scientology. It’s not the work of one man, and it isn’t an attempt to make the BBC exempt from paying tax.
LUKE: I’m not sure they could get away with that, even if they tried. They have sold off the studios where the classic show was made anyway, so I don’t even think we can visit the sacred sites.
MATT: Do you have something against Scientology?
LUKE: Not at all. Well, no more than any other religion. And I always thought Tom Cruise would make a good Master if the show ever had to be made into an American movie.
MATT: Really? Not a bit short?
LUKE: So was Napoleon.
MATT: No he wasn’t.
LUKE: ‘QI’ again?
MATT: No, ‘Horrible Histories’... I think.
LUKE: Ah...So we are agreed it is a worthy religion?
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MATT: Congratulations. You are the father of a bouncing new religion. I hope you will be very happy. How will you get followers? A religion is a bit pointless without followers.
LUKE: Well... Most religions have some sort of persecution by the religions that came before them. Makes them kind of cool and exciting. Gets the early adopters all excited.
MATT: Is that how Apple marketing works?
LUKE: Not really. I was thinking more being thrown to lions.
MATT: Well I was bullied at school for liking the show, does that count?
LUKE: Hardly the same.
MATT: We could set up a web page.
LUKE: That’s the equivalent of filing it away in a public records’ office. It would vanish without a trace.
MATT: Nonsense. We could use Twitter and Facebook.
LUKE: Or spread the word door to door?
MATT: Or you could get yourself twelve mates and wander the land telling tales from your old copy of the episode guide. Gathering people to hear you speak on handy mounts.
LUKE: Conventions, surely.
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MATT: Yes! You get a side room at a convention and spread the word. Turn over the odd table in the dealer’s room.
LUKE: Scattering unofficial collectables in the temple?
SCENE 27
ACTION TRANSITION - EXTERIOR DAY – AN ENGLISH GARDEN. BOTH ACTORS SHOULD PUT ON COATS – MAYBE A TREK TSHIRT AND A POLICEMANS HELMET WOULD BE ENOUGH.
POLICEMAN (L): Right, where is he?
TREK FAN (M): Do you have it?
POLICEMAN (L): The exceptionally rare 30 piece set of Star Trek crockery.
TREK FAN (L): Yes... Do you have it?
POLICEMAN (M): They are in the back of the van. And you can have them just as soon as you have pointed out the culprit.
TREK FAN (L): He is just over there. In the arboretum.
POLICEMAN (M): You know infringing the BBC’s copyright by forming your own religion is a crime that will get him...
TREK FAN (L): Crucified?
POLICEMAN (M): Erm.. no... probably community service. But it is still taken very seriously. I mean there have been letters to ‘Points of View’!
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TREK FAN (L): Right, I’ll just go over and kiss him goodbye then... he is all yours...
SCENE 28
ACTION TRANSITION RETURN TO THE LIVING ROOM.
LUKE: I think you are taking the Christian allegory a bit far.
MATT: Ooooh, and it needs a sign...a simple symbol. A shape you can do with your hands... you know like a cross.
LUKE: What about this?
MATT: (PAUSE) What’s that then? It looked like a rectangle.
LUKE: It was. It was the shape of a TARDIS... well a police box but it amounts to the same thing these days.
MATT: I still think the internet is the way to go. It would give the religion an international platform.
LUKE: It still wouldn’t be cool. And you made a very valid point.
MATT: Just the one?
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LUKE: I mean that... Yes, we have another religion that’s just as valid as the other but that’s just it. It is another religion. Not a better one or one that will replace the others. It is nothing but another thing for people to argue over.
MATT: And no one argues like a Doctor Who fan.
LUKE: I’m sure that a few radical theologians could give us a run for our money. All we would be doing is giving generations of people more reasons to fall out and fight with each other.
MATT: That’s not what the Doctor would want at all.
LUKE: To be honest it’s not what any god from any religion really wants, but it is what happens.
MATT: Remember last year’s convention... in the bar.
LUKE: When the guys from Sunderland came to blows over the monster fancy dress competition?
MATT: Yeah. That Wirrn was robbed! And this could be so much worse.
LUKE: God yes.
MATT: So what are we going to do?
LUKE: I am going to do what any sane person would do... Just forget it and go down to the pub for a drink.
MATT: (PAUSE) You know what you have done now, don’t you?
LUKE: No, what?
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MATT: You have just – single-handed – saved the world from a series of holy wars. Well done. You deserve a pint. I am buying.
LUKE: Actually... I’d rather stay in and watch another Doctor Who story. How about ‘Face Of Evil’?
MATT: Production code 4Q.
LUKE: Stop that.
KNOCK AT THE FRONT DOOR.
MATT: Look, I will get kettle on. While you see to that.
MATT GETS UP AND LEAVES AND GETS READY TO PLAY BROTHER PETER IN...
SCENE 29
ACTION TRANSITION BACK ON THE DOORSTEP OF THE HOUSE.
LUKE: Hello… oh, it’s you.
BROTHER PETER (M): Yes, I am sorry to bother you but I was intrigued by what you said before... And I was wondering if you had any more information on your faith?
LUKE: Of course... I have an old episode guide somewhere you can have... Tell you what. come in. I think we are just about to watch ‘Face Of Evil’. I am sure it will explain things better than I could.
BROTHER PETER (M): Oh lovely.
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F/X: THEY GO INSIDE, THE DOOR CLOSES.
GRAMS: CLOSING MUSIC- SUGGEST ‘I AM THE DOCTOR’ BY JON PERTWEE.
THE END
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