Resources for the Spouse of the Sexually Addicted Awareness List Breaking Addiction Immediate support in online support boards www.no-porn.com

nstructions: Check every relevant point. Even · You find them on the computer in the middle Codependent of Sexual Addiction (COSA) 12-step SEX ADDICTION is groups open to anyone whose life has been affected by I if your partner has good reason for doing so, do of the night compulsive sexual behavior. not just about sex. not leave something off the list if it applies. This is www.cosa-recovery.org [email protected] the only way to see the whole picture clearly. ___Impaired Thinking Skills: It is also about: · Deflects responsibility for emotions Dr. Carnes' Resources for Sex Addiction & Recovery · Anger, isolation, & depression ___ Excessive Nudity/Exhibitionism/Voyeurism: www.sexhelp.com (unhappiness, anger) or actions (mistakes, · Family neglect · A man may frequently “forget” to pull up his failures) onto others How I overcame my sexual addiction and how any- · Financial difficulties zipper · one can Contains good information for spouse · Health issues Frequently pursues the need to be right; www.sexualcontrol.com · Impaired thinking skills · A woman may not wear underpants and sit extreme reactions when proven wrong · Internet/computer widows with legs open · Rewrites history by distorting or ignoring Recovering Couples Anonymous (12 Step groups) · Lack of empathy for a spouse · Encourages sexual behavior with a high risk facts; yet vehemently defends them P.O. Box 11029, Oakland CA 94611 (510) 663-2312 · Lies, secrecy, & deception of being 'caught in the act' · Significant lack of trust in you and others, yet www.recovering-couples.org · · Frequently photographs themselves nude expects trust from you and others · Pornography and/or excessive admiration of their own The S-Anon Family Groups 12 step groups for relatives · Promiscuity genitalia ___Isolation Issues: and friends of sexually addicted people · P.O. Box 111242 , Nashville, TN 37222-1242 · Has asked to watch you make love to some- · Excessive shyness and/or social avoidance TEL: (615) 833-3152 one else or vice versa · Frequent relocation www.sanon.org [email protected] · Others have “inadvertently” seen them nude · Partner lacks long-term active friend- Warning Signs more than once Understanding Sexual Addiction ships/relationships FREE online workshop to understand what is happening · They wear clothing that makes others un- · Partner resents/discourages active friend- to you and your partner. of Possible comfortable and may “accidentally” expose ships and interaction/closeness with family www.understandingsexualaddiction.org too much and neighbors Sexual Addiction · The computer/Internet is used to avoid com- The information in this brochure was ___General Hints: munication and you feel like an Internet

developed by Jonathan Marsh of This · A porno site has charged your credit card widow/widower www.understandingsexualaddiction.org and your partner claims they were “tricked” and Shelly Marshall of brochure is www.day-by-day.org to help the into it ___Masturbation (MB): · Children display strong negative reactions spouse · Excessive showering/long showers (e.g. crying, tantrums) prior to being · Hand/body lotion disappears at a rapid pace decide if with your partner · They inexplicably are “not in the mood” when sexual This brochure is brought to you by: · Family, friends, and neighbors conspicuously you make sexual advances addiction decrease contact with your partner or voice · You find towels and clothes with emissions may be concern over their behavior in them sabotaging · Numerous hang up calls and/or suspicious · You have fought about them MBing rather their calls on your bill than having sex with you marriage. · Someone has told you your partner has · You have walked in and “caught” him/her made advances toward them secretly MBing more than once Sexual Addiction Awareness List

___Moral Inconsistency /Self-righteousness: · Frequent suggestions/pressure for integrating ___Sexual Needs Trump Relationship Needs: f you see a pattern, begin educating your- · A respected public image and ‘fitting in’ take porn in sex/foreplay · Frequent unwanted sexual groping, touching, or I self and form a plan of action. Do consult precedence over your feelings, thoughts, · Lies, secrecy, and deception have been used to conversely nothing a professional who specializes in sexual ad- goals hide porn use and/or you have found hidden · Frequent use of sexual humor, innuendo and diction issues. Use the contact information on · Displays high moral standards showing dis- caches of pornography anecdote the back of this brochure and start now. dain for those who don’t agree (conversely · Viewed images are socially deviant, bizarre, or · Multiple sexual partners and/or encourages may show disdain for normal moral stan- victimize others (e.g. violent, illegal, disgusting, an "open marriage" Even with good therapy, many troubled part- dards) kiddie, bondage) · Ongoing accusations directed towards you ners spend years trying to figure out why

· Makes frequent requests for/assurances for frigidity/prudishness their marriage isn’t working and why they ___Self-absorbed Emotional Life: of absolute fidelity or the other extreme of · S/he manipulates, cajoles, coheres, or demands cannot achieve a true and loving partnership · A personal connection with your partner is spo- asking for an “open” relationship sexual acts that make you uncomfortable with their mate. Because sex addiction is so radic. True intimacy eludes the relationship · May profess concern for the disadvantaged · Sexual interaction is measured/guided by per- secret and often well hidden, it is not usually yet play games on the computer where the · Consistently uses bizarre, unlikely and/or un- formance, rather than intimacy the first thing that comes to mind for the vulnerable are killed and maimed provable rationales as 'proof' · Unrealistic sexual demands/responsibilities spouse or therapist. It is important for · May quote religious scriptures to define · Family resources are utilized and major life deci- are established (e.g. need for daily sexual re- spouses of troubled marriages and for pro- sexuality sions made consistently based upon your part- lease) fessionals to check for sex addiction, espe- · Verbal trumpeting of honesty, yet hides be- ner's priorities · Your feelings about sexual matters are dis- havior through deception and lies · Undue criticism of you and your physical ap- missed cially when conventional counseling ap- pearance proaches don’t seem to work. If you’ve tried ___Physical: · Your partner doesn’t seem to know who you are ___Work Related Issues: everything and it doesn’t work, then you don’t · Irritated, tender, flaking or ulcerated genita- and displays little interest in your life, your feel- · S/he has been reprimanded for personal use of have all the information. This awareness list lia and/or one or more venereal diseases (at ings, your goals phone or computer is intended to help fill in the blanks. any time in their life) · S/he has been warned about and/or sent for e have felt betrayed by those we loved the · Multiple abortions/pregnancies/children sexual harassment sensitization W most, and those of us who didn't know he overwhelming majority · Obsession with hygiene about the sexaholic behavior felt even more hu- · Your partner has difficulties at work and/or has · S/he may engage in sexual activity or re- miliated and stupid for not knowing. lost their job and their explanation(s) sounds T of compulsive sexual be- quest oral sex even with active outbreaks of www.sanon.org suspicious havior comes from "victimless" herpes and other STDs · Your partner spends long hours at work and is behavior--masturbation, prosti- · There are extremes in sex, either many ___Sense of Secrecy: emotionally distant when s/he comes home tution, pornography, promiscu- times a day or hardly at all · Anger/rage when confronted on lies/deceptions ity. This, however, should never · Locked office, files, desks, storage This checklist may help identify a pattern in your part- be misconstrued to think that ___Pornography: · Plays the "honesty card" (e.g. Don't you trust ner’s behavior that fits a general description of sexual the addiction isn't as severe, or · Adamantly defends their right to view porn; me?) addiction/obsession/compulsion. Most of the individual as potentially devastating as minimizes arguments offered against porn · S/he refuses to tell you where they’ve been behaviors listed here are not in and of themselves those involving the more rare · Idealizes body images based on the · Surreptitious email accounts/P.O. Boxes/safety indicative of addiction. But altering a lifestyle because behaviors such as rape, stalking “perfect” models in pornography deposit box/passwords for computer of them, keeping secrets, and negatively affecting oth- and molestation. · Financial hardships result from online sub- · The history is often deleted after Internet use ers, makes it part of a destructive pattern. One to two www.understandingsexualaddiction.org scriptions, video clubs, phone sex lines, · Undisclosed checking account/credit “hits” in over 50% of the categories indicates you massage parlors, etc. card/financial activities should be seeking more information.