Michael Gove a Swinger? We Investigate the Evidence
Total Page:16
File Type:pdf, Size:1020Kb
Jan-Mar Apr-Jun Jul-Sep Oct-Dec 2/48 Click These Coloured Tabs To Switch Quickly Between Sections The Difficult Second Decade Phone-hacking. Superinjunctions. Yewtree. #MeToo. A pigfucking prime minister and a reality TV host as POTUS. These last ten years have been quite a ride – and 2019 has been the batshit crown it deserves. So join us, won’t you, as we bid farewell to another year of scandal, depravity and general shithousery. //////////////////////////////////////////////////// Jan/Feb/Mar ..................... 3-14 Pole-dancing otters! Strap-ons at the National Theatre! Snoozing celebs and beloved character actor Lorraine “Lorraine” Kelly. PLUS: Is Michael Gove a swinger? We investigate the evidence... Apr/May/Jun ..................... 15-23 Boris Johnson’s knobby pint! Farage’s Five Guys splurge! Barbra Streisand’s precious Fanny and Gary Numan’s macerator toilet. PLUS: Some free legal advice for Cheryl Cole... Jul/Aug/Sep ..................... 24-36 Brooklyn’s photo friendly entourage! Out on the pull with Vin Diesel! The Amber Rudd Test and Love Island accounting. PLUS: Dead Cat Theory – what’s it actually all about? Oct/Nov/Dec ..................... 37-47 Harry Styles’s pilfered jacket! Fruitbowling with Hugh Grant! Rolf Harris’s fall from grace and the live-saving work of Selena Goatmez. PLUS: We teach Prince Andrew a lesson or two... Jan-Mar Apr-Jun Jul-Sep Oct-Dec 3/48 Mid-Morning Spatters January Crystal Palace’s goalie joined in the ongoing Nazi craze, throwing Hitler salutes over dinner; Zac Efron caused quite a stir with the trailer for his Sexy Ted Bundy movie; and two competing Fyre Festival documentaries introduced us to an extremely novel way of smuggling bottled water through customs... //////////////////////////////////////////////////// >> Morgan Tissue << And how did critics respond to this dildo in A very delicate arsehole print? Quentin Letts of the Mail described it as “vast”. Dominic Cavendish of the Telegraph There was uproar at the studio building said it was “sizeable”. Alice Jones of the i where they filmGood Morning Britain at the plumped for “big”. But Henry Hitchings of start of 2019 – and Piers Morgan’s arsehole the Evening Standard? “Medium-sized”. was right at the centre of it. Attaboy, Henry... There’s apparently a pretty big discrepancy between the quality of toilet paper on _________________________________ offer to staff there. Most of the workers “I thought, and I’m sure I’ve been told, at Television Centre had to make do with that if you turn a sloth up the right way, it cheap TP that caused some people terrible will explode” – Holly Willoughby trouble with haemorrhoids. So you can _________________________________ imagine their fury when they discovered that Piers Morgan was treated to a nice >> Otter Madness << supply of fancy paper and even had access Chiitans never prosper to “special wipes”. Susaki, Japan is Popbitch’s city of the year, _________________________________ thanks to the their unofficial mascot: Chiitan Someone who had a go on Idris Elba – a giant furry otter who kept upsetting many moons ago says that he requested local authorities by constantly going on mad she call out his name when they were at Jackass-style rampages on social media, it. Not just his first name. His full name. tipping over cars, pole-dancing and going _________________________________ beserk with a weed strimmer. >> Under-Studies << Chiitan came to international attention in They do like it up ‘em January, after the crazy otter was officially Cate Blanchett gave an acclaimed turn at the banned from representing the city after National Theatre this year, in a play which some particularly creepy posts on Twitter featured a rather arresting scene where and Instagram. she was seen to strap on a dildo, lube up and then slip a quick length to a man who Chiitan’s YouTube channel is still up though, was dolled up in women’s knickers. and is well worth 15 minutes of your time... Jan-Mar Apr-Jun Jul-Sep Oct-Dec 4/48 Big Questions: Lines Of Succession Jan-Mar Apr-Jun Jul-Sep Oct-Dec 5/48 The Googles Of Baby Hitler February Virginia Governor Ralph Northam kicked off the year’s hot trend of getting caught out in blackface; Jodie Marsh tried selling off a pair of tit belts she previously claimed she’d given away to charity; and we were all forced to think about Jeff Bezos’s dick as the National Enquirer‘s plan to blackmail the richest man on the planet backfired. //////////////////////////////////////////////////// >> Tox Of The Pops << could do with a little refining. An unlikely inspiration One woman who made his acquaintance at February 2019 saw the 20th anniversary of a Brits afterparty this year was met with Britney Spears smashing into our lives with a simple “Awright, shagger?” – before he Baby... One More Time. She also provided nodded down at her tits and then stumbled us with one of the greatest bits of pop trivia off. of the 21st Century. _________________________________ The man who inspired the Britney Spears “Adolf Hitler, like every other healthy baby, track Toxic was someone that the song’s once googled and gaggled and started to co-writer Cathy Dennis had been dating in smile and wave his little chubby fist and the early part of the century, who broke up everything in exactly the way that my with her in 2003: Noel Fitzpatrick. beautiful grandchildren do” – Richard Madeley _________________________________ It’s unlikely you’d have known who Noel was at the time unless you had a sick spaniel – but he’s better known to most people >> Snoozy Rider << nowadays... as Channel 4’s Supervet. Tube tricks of the stars _________________________________ Tamsin Greig has a neat little trick for not giving up her tube seat. When things Before personal data laws changed, Elton are busy, but not rammed, she’ll read John’s credit card statements used to be her hardback book very intently to avoid used in fraud detection training. _________________________________ meeting the eye of anyone with a walking stick who might need the seat she’s in. >> Party Talk << You staring at my Brits? Anyone can be oblivious when engrossed in a good book. But when the train pulled You’d think that someone who gave their into Paddington and she saw just how debut album the title Divinely Uninspired To packed the platform was with commuters A Hellish Extent would be able to extend about to embark, she quickly changed tack that eloquence when talking to the ladies – and pretended to fall asleep so that she – but it sounds as if Lewis Capaldi’s patter wouldn’t be hassled into giving it up. Jan-Mar Apr-Jun Jul-Sep Oct-Dec 6/48 Hung Parliament Swing Vote Michael Gove made an infamous quip about some MPs at the start of the year, likening his colleagues to swingers in their mid-50s. As we mentioned in 2018, there’s been persistent Westminster rumours about the Goves hosting some rather specialist parties at theirs – but we’d always assumed they were just that. Rumours. Now? We’re not so sure… //////////////////////////////////////////////////// Earlier this year, in advance of the so-called his wife (the Daily Mail columnist, Sarah ‘Meaningful Vote’ on Brexit, Michael Gove Vine) had supposedly been hosting a few announced that MPs who still harboured specialist parties at their home for selected visions of a perfect Brexit were like “mid-50s couples and singletons. swingers, waiting for Scarlett Johansson to turn up.” We were careful at the time to report it as being only a rumour. Not through fear To the regular citizen, such a statement is of causing any embarrassment to the unlikely to have inspired much of a reaction Goves (Michael’s a cappella performance (nothing beyond the unsettling thought of of Wham Rap! and Sarah’s nationally Michael Gove trying to put the moves on published columns prove that the pair of ScarJo, anyhow). them are physically incapable of being embarrassed). Mainly we were being To the regular Popbitch reader though, it careful because stories like this are usually might have caused a rather unwelcome too good to be true, and are often the work flashback – for this is not the first time of bad actors actively trying to smear their they’ll have been forced to contemplate dual political opponents by spreading irresistibly thoughts of Michael Gove and swinging. lurid claims. Back in July 2018, we reported on a However, those swinging comments from curious rumour that was doing the rounds Gove’s own mouth started to sow a little bit in Westminster that Michael Gove and of doubt in our minds. Given all the ways he could have described Various studies have been commissioned the lunacy of Brexit fantasists, why did the to determine the prevalence of swinging 51 year old Michael Gove choose to hit on the in Britain and, between them, they tend analogy of swingers in their 50s? It’s hardly to put the number of swingers in the the most statesman-like of metaphors, and UK somewhere between 500,000 and would only really be relatable to a very slim 1,000,000 people. proportion of the public. As a percentage of the population who Does he know of what he speaks? partake in swinging (or swinging adjacent activity), we’re looking at 1-2%. It gives us absolutely no pleasure to do this, but we wouldn’t be doing our jobs Assuming that the politicians we have properly if we didn’t investigate this rumour elected truly are representative of the a little more forensically. The man is a high- people that they serve, that would mean at ranking government minister and one of least six of the 650 members of Parliament the people most responsible for delivering who currently have a seat in the House the Brexit result.