The Cross & Funny Isn't It

The Cross & Funny isn't it?

The young man was at the end of his rope. Seeing no way out, he dropped to his knees in prayer. "Lord, I can't go on," he said. "I have too heavy a cross to bear." The Lord replied, "My son, if you can't bear its weight, just place your cross inside this room. Then, open that other door and pick out any cross you wish." The man was filled with relief. Thank you, Lord, he sighed, and he did as he was told. Upon entering the other door, he saw many crosses, some so large the tops were not visible. Then, he spotted a tiny cross leaning against a far wall. "I'd like that one, Lord," he whispered. And the Lord replied, " My son, that is the cross you just brought in." When life's problems seem overwhelming, it helps to look around and see what other people are coping with. You may consider yourself far more fortunate than you imagined. YOUR CROSS Whatever your cross, whatever your pain. There will always be sunshine after the rain. Perhaps you may stumble, perhaps even fall, But God's always have to believe, or think, or say, or do anything.

Funny how you can send a thousand 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. FUNNY, ISN'T IT? Are you laughing? Are you thinking? Spread the Word and give thanks to the Lord for He is good!Funny isn't it when you go to forward this message how many on your list are not receiving it because you're not sure they believe in anything? Funny?...... Sad.

James 5:16 Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.

Romans 10:16 How beautiful are the feet of them that preach the gospel of peace. Spread His Word!!!!

Last week I went to a seminar called *Stress and Disease by Dr. Nicholas Hall, an expert in psychobiology. He gave an example of a coping skill for job stress, which I would like to share with you. When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this. On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement, "every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested." Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company."

13 ADDITIONAL WARNINGS THE FDA IS CONSIDERING FOR LIQUOR BOTTLES

13. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering. You're not.

12. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in vomiting in your car, on your sofa, and down the front of your best friend's dress.

11. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMACK YOU.

10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are dying to see you at 4 a.m

8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to wonder what the hell happened to your pants.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher than a 250-pound boxer named Bubba.

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that the police can't catch you. They can!

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause a flux in the time-space continuum, whereby large gaps of time may seem to disappear.

1. WARNING; Consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

1998 DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES ------

BUXTON, N.C. A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach on the Outer Banks used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge Va., but could not reach him.

It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. You just wouldn’t believe the outpouring of concern, people digging with their hands, using pails from kids,” Dare County Sheriff Bert Austin said.

In February, Santiago Alvarado 24, was killed in Lompoc, Calif., as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the large flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) crammed against the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

According to police in Dahlonega, Ga., ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del., as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27,and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who “totally zoned when he ran,” according to his wife, accidentally jogged off of a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing headfirst through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

In September, a 7-year- old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near Ozark, Ark., after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.

DARWIN AWARD WANNA-BE’S

In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.

In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.

Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, N.J in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 a.m., the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.

Taking “Amateur Night” Too Far: In Betel, Colombia, an annual festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one participant; “It’s just one bull against [a town of] a thousand morons.”

AUGUSTA, ME - Four people were injured in a string of bizarre accidents.

Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick’s first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off. Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him.

“I’m still not sure why I did it,” she said later. “I was really close to the car, so I didn’t think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn’t have been for more than two seconds.” However, cab driver Vegas did see and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran’s teeth. The crash of the cab against the building making her jump, tearing Corcoran’s gums with a cleaning pick.

In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from Klesick’s hand. Moeller’s wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.

TAOS, NM - A woman went to a poison control center after eating three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors’ suspicions.

Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with a sour tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.

La Grange, GA - Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. “My dog drags the thing all over the house,” he said later. “He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and sat down right on the thing.” The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza’s phone had opened during insertion. “He was a real trooper during the entire episode,” said Dr. Dennis Crobe. “Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there.”

TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman’s cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham’s leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. “All I can say,” said Bingham, “is that God was watching out for me on that night. There’s just no other explanation for it.” Bingham’s foot was never located.

A little black boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. "Mom, look, I'm a white boy."

His mom slaps him and says "Go show your father."

He goes to his dad in the living room and says "Look dad, I'm a white boy."

His dad slaps him hard in the face and says "Go show your Grandmother."

The boy goes in his grandmothers room and says "Look granny, I'm a white boy."

His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother.

His mother says "See. Did you learn anything from that?"

To which the boy replies, "Sure enough did. I have only been white for five minutes and I already hate you black people."

AGE SUCKS

Signs that you are no longer a kid You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead. You can live without sex but not without glasses. Your back goes out more than you do. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room You buy a compass for the dash of your car. You are proud of your lawn mower. Your best friend is dating someone half their age ..... and isn't breaking any laws. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. You sing along with the elevator music. You would rather go to work than stay home sick. You constantly talk about the price of gasoline. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life. You make an appointment to see the dentist. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. Neighbors borrow your tools. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?" You have a dream about prunes. You answer a question with, "because I said so!" You send money to PBS. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants. You take a metal detector to the beach You wear black socks with sandals. You know what the word "equity" means. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television. Your ears are hairier than your head. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn. You get into a heated argument about pension plans. You got cable for the weather channel. ("Old Folks MTV.") You can go bowling without drinking. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize. People send you this list.

Three older gentlemen were discussing aging at the nursing home. "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to piss. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble pissing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, not really. I piss every morning at 6:00. I piss like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble crapping?" "No, I crap every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You piss every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00."

The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world.

******************************************************** While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

"US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it right!"

Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.

Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty-do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide spacing between aircraft.

The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?"

Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars' worth." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.

KC Approach: "Malibu three-two Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."

Three-two Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."

KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"

Delta 105 (in a thick southern drawl, after a long pause): "Well...I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":

Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."

Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate."

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that Fokker in sight." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

Amusing Quotes:

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. 2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.. 3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.. 4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.. 5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.. 6. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? 7. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.. 8. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.. 9. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.. 10. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.. 11. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.. 12. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.. 13. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.. 14. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.. 15. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.. 16. Honk if you love peace and quiet.. 17. Pardon my driving, I am reloading.. 18. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? 19. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. > > They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but, especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and, then, slide back > together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"> > > > > > > > > The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have > > never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." > > > > While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old > > lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a >button.

> > The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. > > The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small >circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to> > >watch until it reached the last number and, then, the numbers began to light in the reverse order. >> >> > > > > > > Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous > > 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. > > The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly >to his son, "Go get your mother."!

An Interview I dreamed I had an interview with God. "Come in," God said. "So, you would like to interview Me?" "If you have the time," I said. God smiled and said: "My time is eternity and is enough to do everything; what questions do you have in mind to ask me?" "What surprises you most about mankind?" God answered: "That they get bored of being children, are in a rush to grow up, and then long to be children again. That they lose their health to make money and then lose their money to restore their health. That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live neither for the present nor the future. That they live as if they will never die, and they die as if they had never lived." God's hands took mine and we were silent for awhile and then I asked "As a parent, what are some of life's lessons you want your children to learn?" God replied with a smile: "To learn that they cannot make anyone love them. What they can do is to let themselves be loved. To learn that what is most valuable is not what they have in their lives, but who they have in their lives. To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others. All will be judged individually on their own merits, not as a group on a comparison basis! To learn that a rich person is not the one who has the most, but is one who needs the least. To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in persons we love, and that it takes many years to heal them. To learn to forgive by practicing forgiveness. To learn that there are persons that love them dearly, but simply do not know how to express or show their feelings. To learn that money can buy everything but happiness. To learn that two people can look at the same thing and see it totally different. To learn that a true friend is someone who knows everything about them...and likes them anyway. To learn that it is not always enough that they be forgiven by others, but that they have to forgive themselves." I sat there for while enjoying the moment. I thanked Him for his time and for all that He has done for me and my family, and He replied, "Anytime. I'm here 24 hours a day. All you have to do is ask for me, and I'll answer." People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did, but People will never forget how you made them feel.

Andy Rooney

1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians: "Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter,'" ======2. Andy Rooney On Prisoners: Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator. ======3. Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes. ======4. Andy Rooney On Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve. ======5. Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls or $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood." ======6. Andy Rooney On Cripes: My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be -- Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'? ======7. Andy Rooney On Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday. ======8. Andy Rooney On Answering Machines: Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." Beep. "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love." ======

Subject: 34 ways to annoy a person

1.Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch >>paper, 99 copies. >> >>2. Sit in your yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if >>they slow down. >> >>3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." >> >>4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it with your pen while talking to >>others. >> >>5. Sing along at the opera. >> >>6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather >>conditions "to keep them tuned up." >> >>7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think. >> >>8. Practice making fax and modem noises. >> >>9. Highlight irrelevant material in scientific papers and "cc" them to >>your boss. >> >>10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. >> >>11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with >>prophesy." >> >>12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over >>your ears. >> >>13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the cartridge across >>the room. >> >>14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. >> >>15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green,insist >>to others that you "like it that way." >> >>16. Staple papers in the middle of the page. >> >>17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise. >> >>18. Honk and wave to strangers. >> >>19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat the breath >>mints at the hostess stand. >> >>20. TYPE IN ALL UPPERCASE. >> >>21. type only in lowercase. >> >>22. don t use any punctuation either >> >>23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole >>freeway. >> >>24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear >>that?", "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." >> >>25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. >> >>26. Play the William Tell Overture (The Lone Ranger Theme) by tapping >>on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I >>messed it up," and repeat. >> >>27. Ask people what gender they are. >> >>28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like >>a parakeet. >> >>29. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage." >> >>30. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. >> >>31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. >> >>32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble the >>answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles." >> >>33. Tell your friends four days prior that you can't attend their party >>because you're not in the mood. >> >>34. Send this list to everyone in your email address book even if they >>sent it to you or asked you not to send things like this. >

Here,, see if any of this pertains to you......

As I've Matured...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear, it is how you take it off.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

Attributed to Andy Rooney

The Way Life Ends is Unfair (This is attributed to Andy Rooney)

>The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. And then you die. What's that? A bonus?

I think the life-cycle is all backwards.

You should die first and get it all over with. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young. You get a gold watch. You go to work. >> You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol and party. You get ready for high school. You go to grade school and become a kid. You play. You have no responsibilities. You become a little baby and go back into the womb. You spend your last nine months floating...

Then, you finish off as an orgasm.

I like it.

Bad day at the office... For all the scuba divers out there, this one will hit home!!!! FYI - The "Brian" in the following letter is the son of a Boeing Computer Systems employee. The letter is going to his sister and he is a commercial diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana. I'm sorry but his experience should not be in vain. Anytime you think you have had a bad day at the office, remember this letter. True story.

April, 1998 Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened to me. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy I once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the comms. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing water stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it up my ass when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship.

Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope that thought will make it a little more tolerable. Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon. Love, Brian

FW: bar jokes

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back... "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Damn! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife..."

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent," says the bartender. "One penny!?" exclaimed the guy. The bartender replied, "Yes." So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?" "Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents," he replies. "Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business." ------

Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey! How about it babe? You and me?" As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I only have an extra two dollars." She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"

Bar jokes A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six > double vodkas." The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back... "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Damn! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife..." ------A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent," says the bartender. "One penny!?" exclaimed the guy. The bartender replied, "Yes." So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?" "Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents," he replies. "Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business." ------Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey! How about it babe? You and me?" As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I only have an extra two dollars." She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"

******* BEANS ********** Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one cheek, and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like cabbage cooking in a high school locker room on a hot August afternoon. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more. At this point,it smelled like a bulk truck full of rotting potatoes running over a skunk farm in front of the Dow Industrial Plant in Saginaw. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned. Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and there was her Surprise!!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy Birthday!!!

Bear Rides

Frank was so excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex." Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said, "Admit it, Frank. You don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

Bear Rides

Believe it or not ... Of all tales of the supernatural, this one is perhaps the best documented, the most disturbing and the most difficult to explain. The Princess of Amen-Ra lived some 1,500 yrs before Christ. When she died, she was laid in an ornate wooden coffin and buried deep in a vault at Luxor, on the banks of the Nile. In the late 1890s, 4 rich young Englishmen visiting the excavations at Luxor were invited to buy an exquisitely fashioned mummy case containing the remains of Princess of Amen-Ra. They drew lots. The man who won paid several thousand pounds and had the coffin taken to his hotel. A few hours later, he was seen walking out towards the desert. He never returned. The next day, one of the remaining 3 men was shot by an Egyptian servant accidentally. His arm was so severely wounded it had to be amputated. The 3rd man in the foursome found on his return home that the bank holding his entire savings had failed. The 4th guy suffered a severe illness, lost his job and was reduced to selling matches in the street. Nevertheless, the coffin reached England (causing other misfortunes along the way), where it was bought by a London businessman . After 3 of his family members had been injured in a road accident and his house damaged by fire, the businessman donated it to the British Museum. As the coffin was being unloaded from a truck in the museum courtyard, the truck suddenly went into reverse and trapped a passer-by. Then as the casket was being lifted up the stairs by 2 workmen, 1 fell and broke his leg. The other, apparently in perfect health, died unaccountably two days later. Once the Princess was installed in the Egyptian Room, trouble really started. Museum's night watchmen frequently heard frantic hammering and sobbing from the coffin. Other exhibits in the room were also often hurled about at night. One watchman died on duty; causing the other watchmen wanting to quit. Cleaners refused to go near the Princess too. When a visitor derisively flicked a dustcloth at the face painted on the coffin, his child died of measles soon afterwards. Finally, the authorities had the mummy carried down to the basement. Figuring it could not do any harm down there. Within a week, one of the helpers was seriously ill, and the supervisor of the move was found dead on his desk. By now, the papers had heard of it. A journalist photographer took a picture of the mummy case and when he developed it, the painting on the coffin was of a horrifying, human face. The photographer was said to went home then, locked his bedroom door and shot himself. Soon afterwards, the museum sold the mummy to a private collector. After continual misfortune (and deaths), the owner banished it to the attic. A well known authority on the occult, Madame Helena Blavatsky, visited the premises. Upon entry, she was seized with a shivering fit and searched the house for the source of "an evil influence of incredible intensity". She finally came to the attic and found the mummy case. "Can you exorcise this evil spirit ?" asked the owner. "There is no such thing as exorcism . Evil remains evil forever. Nothing can be done about it. I implore you to get rid of this evil as soon as possible." But no British museum would take the mummy; the fact that almost 20 people had met with misfortune, disaster or death from handling the casket, in barely 10 yrs, was now well known. Eventually, a hard-headed American archaeologist (who dismissed the happenings as quirks of circumstance), paid a handsome price for the mummy and arranged for its removal to New York. In April 1912, the new owner escorted its treasure aboard a sparkling, new White Star liner about to make its maiden voyage to New York. On the night of April 14, amid scenes of unprecedented horror, the Princess of Amen-Ra accompanied 1,500 passengers to their deaths at the bottom of the Atlantic. The name of the ship was Titanic.

Big Rocks

A quick pause for a more meaningful life, also applicable to business practice. One day, an expert in time management was speaking to a group of business students and, to drive home a point, used an illustration those students will never forget. As he stood in front of the group of high- powered overachievers, he said "Okay, time for a quiz" and he pulled out a one-gallon, wide-mouth mason jar and set it on the table in front of him. He also produced about a dozen fist-sized rocks and carefully placed them, one at a time, into the jar. When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would fit inside, he asked, "Is this jar full?" Everyone in the class yelled, "Yes." The time management expert replied, "Really?" He reached under the table and pulled out a bucket of gravel. He dumped some gravel in and shook the jar causing pieces of gravel to work themselves down into the spaces between the big rocks. He then asked the group once more, "Is the jar full?" By this time the class was on to him. "Probably not," one of them answered. Good!" he replied. He reached under the table and brought out a bucket of sand. He started dumping the sand in the jar and it went into all of the spaces left between the rocks and the gravel. Once more he asked the question, "Is the jar full?" No!" the class shouted. Once again he said, "Good!" Then he grabbed a pitcher of water and began to pour it in until the jar was filled to the brim. Then he looked at the class and asked, "What is the point of this illustration?" One eager beaver raised his hand and said "The point is, no matter how full your schedule is, if you try really hard you can always fit some more things in it! "No," the speaker replied, "that's not the point. The truth this illustration teaches us is: If you don't put the big rocks in first, you'll never get them in at all." What are the "big rocks" in your life, time with your loved ones, your faith, your education, your dreams, a worthy cause, teaching or mentoring others? Remember to put these BIG ROCKS in first or you'll never get them in at all. So tonight, or in the morning, when you are reflecting on this short story, ask yourself this question: What are the "big rocks" in my life? Then, put those in your jar first.

Bill Gates From Hell

Since we’re all using MICROSOFT products here, I thought I’d just let you know these facts...Do you know that Bill gates’ REAL name is William Henry Gates III? Nowadays, he is known as Bill Gates III, where III means the order of third (3rd). So, what’s so eerie about this name? OK, if you take all the letters in Bill Gates III and then convert it in ASCII code (American standard code for information interchange) and then ADD up all the numbers...you will get 666, which is the number of the beast!!! B - 66 I - 73 L - 76 L - 76 G - 71 A - 65 T - 84 E - 69 S - 83 I - 1 I - 1 I - 1

TOTAL 666 !!!! THE NUMBER OF THE ANTICHRIST...... Coincidence? Maybe, but take WINDOWS 95 and do the SAME procedure and you will get 666 too !!! And the same goes for MS-DOS 6.21!!! Are you sure this is not a Coincidence? You decide..... WINDOWS 95 87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1= 666 MS-DOS 6.21 77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666 Okay now for the good part!!!!!! For those of you who still have the OLD Excel 95 (not office 97), try this out: 1. Open a new file. 2. Scroll down until you see row 95. 3. Click on the row 95 button, this highlights the whole row 4. Press tab, to move to the second column. 5. Now, move your mouse and click on help THEN about Microsoft excel 6. Press ctrl-alt-shift and click on the tech support button simultaneously. 7. A WINDOW WILL APPEAR, TITLE : THE HALL OF TORTURED SOULS. This is really eerie okay...it has a doom style format and you can walk all around the hall (use your arrow keys)...and on the sides of the walls are the names of the tortured souls.... 8. NOW WALK UP THE STAIRS AND THEN COME BACK DOWN, FACE THE BLANK WALL WALL AND THEN TYPE IN EXCELKFA. This will open the blank wall to reveal another secret passage, walk through the passage and DO NOT fall off (this is the hard part!) When you get to the end, you will see something really really eerie.... At this point of time, countless witnesses all over the world have verified that it is a real eye opener. It could be a joke by MS programmers or is it?...... Wouldn’t be surprised if Bill Gates was “The Antichrist”, afterall it was already foretold in the Bible that someone powerful would rise up and lead the world to destruction. And Bill Gates definitely has that kind of power in his hands. More than 80% of the world’s computers run on Windows and DOS (including those at Pentagon!) If all his products have some kind of small program embedded (like this Hall of Tortured Souls) that can give him control, setting off nuclear arsenals, creating havoc in security systems, financial systems all over the world,etc...... All from his headquarters isn’t far of reality! Just using Internet Explorer may just allow him to map out what you have on your computer bit by bit each time you log on. Perhaps the endtimes are near and this is just a tip of the iceberg!? Quote from the Bible: “He also forced everyone, small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark on his right hand or on his forehead, so that no one could buy or sell unless he had the mark, which is the name of the beast or the number of his name. This calls for wisdom. If anyone has insight, let him calculate the number of the beast, for it is man’s number. His number is 666.”... Revelations 13:16-18. See.... It is something for you to think about....if the Bible, in the Book of Revelation says that without the sign of the beast one would not be able to buy, sell, do business transactions, etc.then. My question to you now is this..... Is Internet now a necessity in doing business? The Internet also bears the sign... Note that the Internet is also commonly known as the World Wide Web or WWW One other way we write W is V/ or roman numberals(VI) so ...... W W W VI VI VI 6 6 6 This gives me something to ponder upon ... Isn’t everything going towards the Internet? (i.e., buying/selling goods, business) when it comes to software technology? Revelation also says that the mark of the beast will be carried on one’s Hand and one’s Forehead..... If the Internet would indeed be the sign of the beast aren’t we all starting to carry it on our hands and foreheads??? Screens (forehead) and make use of the mouse (hand)??? Are things finally falling into place or are we just letting our imagination run wild??? Remember, the devil came to cheat, steal, and to destroy ...... so be VIGILANT!!! about Bill Gates and Microsoft. “To agree or to not agree with the WWW or the Beast”, is not the question. What if the WWW is the 666? Or Bill Gates is the Beast? What will you do?? Cancel subscriptions to the Internet? Resign from Microsoft? Set out a campaign against Bill Gates on the Internet? Shut down all Windows 95 forever? It will not do you any good...think about all this and pray, pray for the salvation of millions of lost souls who will be doomed to hell if someone doesn’t reach them with the Gospel of Jesus the Christ !!!

v BLONDES BLONDES ON WEIGHT: > > A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. > > "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this > procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least > five pounds." > > When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's > amazing!", the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" > > The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead > that third day." > > "From hunger, you mean?" > > "No, from skipping." > ======> BLONDES ON RAMBLING: > > So there's this blonde out for a walk, she comes to a river and sees another > blonde on the opposite bank. > > "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" > > The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, > "You are on the other side!"

BOOK TITLES Constipated People Don't Give A Shit. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon? If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing. If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling. 11. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings". 12. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer. 13. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger. 14. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me The Earth Is Full - Go Home I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away? The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway Illiterate? Write For Help Honk If Anything Falls Off Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit You! Out Of The Gene Pool! I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To . Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket? If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong... If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over. [Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep] Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph. Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge [Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant] If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut? Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One. 37. Ax Me About Ebonics 38. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel 39. Boldly Going Nowhere 40. Cat: The Other White Meat 41. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde! 42. Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That 43. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost? Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It! My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad? Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Breast can kill

BREASTS CAN BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH Flashing your husband can be dangerous to your health -- and everyone else’s.... One woman from Maine found out the hard way. As she dropped her husband off for work, she gave him a kiss, and then, just for luck, she also gave him a quick flash of her breasts. A passing cabdriver took a look, and then another, and was so intent on looking at the woman's breasts that he lost control of his cab, crashing into a nearby medical building and knocking off a piece of the building - - right onto the woman. Meanwhile, inside the building, a dental technician was cleaning a patients teeth when the cab crashed, and was so startled she jammed the dental pick into a patients mouth -- and he in turn, bit down on her hand so hard that he severed two of her fingers.

"I'm not sure why I did it," the Maine wife said after the incident, "I was really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see it."

TOP BUMPER STICKER'S SEEN AROUND THE WORLD: Constipated People Don't Give A Shit. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon? If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing. If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings". If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me The Earth Is Full - Go Home I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away? The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway Illiterate? Write For Help Honk If Anything Falls Off Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit You! Out Of The Gene Pool! I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket? If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong... If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over. [Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep] Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph. Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge [Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant] If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut? Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One. Ax Me About Ebonics Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel Boldly Going Nowhere Cat: The Other White Meat Caution - Driver Legally Blonde! Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost? Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It! My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad? Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

BUMPER STICKERS WE'D JUST LOVE TO SEE ...

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you! ------100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest? ------You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT ------Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. ------I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. ------The more you complain, the longer God makes you live. ------Out of my mind...Back in five minutes. ------

Hang up and drive. ------If you can read this, please flip me back over... (seen upside down, on a Jeep) ------Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings" ------Boldly going nowhere ------Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted. ------Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself. ------Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film. ------Just because your head is pointed, doesn't mean you're sharp. ------Why am I the only person on earth who knows how to drive? ------Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people "Everybody But Me". ------Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

** BUMPER STICKERS I'D LIKE TO SEE!! **

Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?

Jesus loves you, but the rest of us think you're an asshole.

Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.

DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

You're depriving some poor village of its idiot!

Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

BEER! Helping ugly people have sex since 1862.

My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom!

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

** And the #1 bumper sticker of the week is... **

Honk If You Want To See My Finger!

Call to God

John Madden was in Denver to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a special phone near the Broncos' bench. He asked Coach Shanahan what it was for and was told it was a hotline to God. John asked the coach if he could use it, and the coach said: Sure, but it will cost you $100." Madden scratched his head, then said: "What the heck, I need some help picking some games." He pulled out his wallet and paid the $100. Madden was perfect that week. The next weekend, Madden was in Green Bay when he noticed the same kind of phone near the Green Bay bench. He asked Coach Holmgren what the phone was for, and Mike said: " It's a hotline to God, and if you want to use it, it will cost you $100." Recalling the previous week, Madden pulled out his wallet and gladly paid the $100. Once again, Madden was perfect. The next weekend, Madden was in Dallas at Texas Stadium when he noticed the same phone near the Cowboy's bench. He asked Coach Gailey if it was a hotline to God. Chan said, "Yes it is. Do you want to use it? It'll cost you 35 cents." Madden looked at Coach Gailey and said, "Wait a minute! I just paid $100 in Denver and $100 in Green Bay to use the same phone! Why in Dallas do they only charge 35 cents?" Chan looked at Madden and replied very matter-of-factly, "In Texas, it's a local call."

Camping Trip

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that the lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a moment, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."

Cat Commandment

Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.

Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem. thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.

Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are transparent.

Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.

Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.

Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.

Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital region.

Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.

Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.T

Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou wilt fall in and trap thyself.

Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.

Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4a.m.

Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.

Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.

Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy>house.

Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants>are not meat.

Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.

Visualize it as you read it.

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it." "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!" "But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"

There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.

It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, & without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.

It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink.

And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience.

I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-here, done-that" paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter...... and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. Which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"......

If they only knew!

Please forward to cat lovers everywhere who, like myself, are very concerned about their hygiene.

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The DOG

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "wine." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something makin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time......

Children and childrearing

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN (HONEST AND NO KIDDING):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3 year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman- cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject Peanut Butter & Jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, Texas has a 5 minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy.

22. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

City Feller Date: Fri, 7 Jul 2000 11:09:47 -0500

A big-city, California, lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"

The old farmer grinned and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck!"

INNER SKELETON

A 63 year old widow was admitted to hospital in Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body.

FEMALE SOFA

A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in the hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts, and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.

OUCH!

A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in blood restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's member and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.

BABY CHICKEN

A 50 year old woman was brought into a New York emergency room complaining of abdominal pains. During an examination, doctors found that the woman's labia were pinned together with old safety pins. Further inside, they found the dismembered body of a chicken. The woman explained that she inserted the chicken pieces, convinced that they would grow into a baby.

SEX EDUCATION

A Californian doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains asked her if she was sexually active. She said that she wasn't. A later examination showed that she was pregnant. Asked why she said that she was not sexually active, the woman replied "I'm not, I just lie there." When asked if she knew who the father was, with a puzzled look she replied, "No. Who?"

BLIND DRUNK

A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered that the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.

GROWING SEASON

An old woman in a North Carolina ER complained of green vines growing from her vagina. Investigation revealed a large potato trapped in her womb. The woman then suddenly remembered that she had inserted it two weeks previously, because she thought that her uterus was falling out.

PRICKLY PAIR

In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "a rat in her pussy" and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, if was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy. LAST STAND

A Cambridge man hobbled into the ER complaining of a permanent erection. He admitted to doctors that while on holiday in Cuba, he frequented many brothels, and in one he was given some erectile cream to keep him hard. He was told to use it sparingly. However, since he was having so much fun, he kept using more and more. By the time he came to the ER, all the blood vessels in his penis were swollen and his testicles had ballooned in size. Doctors could do nothing except prescribe pain killers, and told him that it would return to flaccidity in a few days. They also told him to enjoy his erection while it lasted, because it was going to be his last.

JUICY LUCY

In Kentucky, a woman complained of a purple discharge from her vagina. She thought it might have something to do with the diaphragm that her doctor had recently given her. "I followed all the instructions to the letter," she told her doctor, "and used it with the jelly." When asked which kind of jelly she had used, she replied "Grape."

BRUSH AFTER MEALS

A very hygienic patient was being treated by two nurses for a burst vein in his stomach. While changing the dressing, one of the nurses screamed. They saw maggots crawling down the man's chest. They had been breeding between his teeth, and smelling the open wound, decided to feed further down his body.

CALL THE BUM SQUAD!

A World War II veteran came into a London clinic with a hemorrhoid problem. One painful pile would often hang down from the man's anus and he was in the habit of pushing it back up with an artillery shell. On this occasion, the shell got stuck. Doctors were going to remove it but the man told them the shell was still live. So the hospital called in the army bomb disposal squad, who built a lead box around the man's anus to defuse the shell so it could be removed.

KLINGONS AROUND URANUS

A 20 year old man came to the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general anaesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed...... along with a stray Ping-Pong ball

COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM

From Your Friendly Techical Support Staff

------

1. Describe your Computer problem

______

2. Now, describe the problem accurately ______

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem ______

4. Problem Severity

A. Minor____ B. Minor____ C. Minor____ D. Trivial____

5. Nature of the problem

A. Locked Up____ B. Frozen____ C. Hung____ D. Shot_____

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__

12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

14. If 'Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself? ______

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? ______

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred? ______

17. If 'nothing' explain why you were logged in. ______

18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

19. How does this problem make you feel? ______

20. Tell me about your childhood. ______

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__

22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__

computer-illiterate

So you think you're computer-illiterate? Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press any key" to "Press the Enter key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "any" key is. Gateway support had a caller complain that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The dust cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. A Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes and then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels. Another Gateway customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the diskettes. A Dell technician advised a customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the technician to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his office. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered that the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor and pressing the "Send" key. Another Dell customer need help setting up a new program, so a technician suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told that Egghead was a software store, the man said "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks." Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually. A Gateway technician spoke to a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The technician explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid entry" responses shouldn't be taken personally. An exasperated caller to Dell couldn't get her new computer to turn on. After making sure the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response was "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse. A customer called Compaq to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?" This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters. Tech Support: OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters. Customer "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard." True story from a Novell NetWire technician: Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I'm within my warranty period. How do I get it fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did your receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '32X.' on it." At this point the technician had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and had snapped it off the drive! Admit it, you feel just little superior after reading these, don't you?!

Confucius says.....

1. Virginity like bubble - one prick, all gone. 2. Man who run in front of car get tired. 3. Man who run behind car get exhausted. 4. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. 5. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. 6. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. 7. Man with one chopstick go hungry. 8. Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails. 9. Man who eat many prunes get good run for his money. 10. Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. 11. Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth 12. War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left. 13. Wife who puts husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse. 14. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. 15. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. 16. Man who drive like Hell bound to get there. 17. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. 18. Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement. 19. Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs. 20. Man who farts in church sits in own pew. 21. Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

Darwin Awards

This year's Darwin Awards are attached. Hard to believe, but another year has passed. For those who don't know it, the Darwin Awards are awarded every year to the person(s) who died in the stupidest way, thereby removing themselves from the gene pool...1999 nominees are: NOMINEE No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut. NOMINEE No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft." NOMINEE No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear. NOMINEE No. 4: [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted the demonstration of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. NOMINEE No. 5: [Bloomberg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been open, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized. NOMINEE No. 6: "The News of the Weird." Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted. NOMINEE NO. 7: ["The Indianapolis Star"]. A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion in Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited. NOMINEE No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said. AND FINALLY, Honorable mention: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette] Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the 22 caliber cartridge from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse slot next to the steering column. Upon inserting the cartridge, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded east-bound toward the White River bridge. After traveling approximately twenty miles and just before crossing the river, the cartridge case apparently overheated; the round discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.

Dealing With Assholes

This is for all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "asshole," and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell, "You're an asshole!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the asshole.

Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.

Then, one day this old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out.

Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.

All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's an asshole; there sure are a lot of assholes in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're an asshole!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

”Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

I said, "What's your name?"

“My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes."

"Don, you're an asshole!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two assholes to call. Then after several months of calling the assholes and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial Asshole #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're an asshole!", but I didn't hang up.

The asshole said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No."

He said, "What's your name, Pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Asshole!" and I hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, Asshole!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Asshole!"

And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down West 34th Street.

After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! If you want to watch two Assholes kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter, ... I taped it all off the evening news.

Dear Lord

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today As they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work....

12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Fridays

and help me to remember.....

When I'm having a really bad day, And it seems that people are trying to piss me off, That it takes 42 muscles to frown. And only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell to bite me.

Man: "Hi there new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving."

Neighbor 1: "Yes, it is, and people around here seem extremely friendly"

Man: "So what is it you do for a living?"

Neighbor 1: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning"

Man: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"

Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. I see you have a doghouse out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."

Man: "That is right."

Neighbor 1: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family."

Man: "Right again."

Neighbor 1: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife."

Man: "Correct."

Neighbor 1: "And since you have a wife I can deduce that you are heterosexual."

Man: "Yep."

Neighbor 1: "That is deductive reasoning."

Man: "Cool."

Later that same day...

Man: "Hey I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door."

Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"

Man: "Yes, and he has an interesting job."

Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"

Man: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University."

Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"

Man: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"

Neighbor 2: "No."

Man: "Fag."

DO you have A.A.A.D.D?

They have finally found a diagnosis for my condition. Hooray!!

I have recently been diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. !

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder...

This is how it goes: I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table. Ok, I'm going to wash the car. But first I'm going to go through the mail. I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the trashcan is full. Ok, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trashcan out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first.

Now, where is my checkbook? Oops, there's only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk.

Oh, there's the coke I was drinking. I'm going to look for those checks.

But first I need to put my coke further away from the computer, oh maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while.

I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye, they need some water. I set the coke on the counter and uh oh! There are my glasses. I was looking for them all morning! I'd better put them away first.

I fill a container with water and head for the flower pots - - Aaaaaagh!

Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We'll never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put it back in the family room where it belongs.

I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do?

End of Day: The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half watered, the checkbook still only has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car keys! When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!! I realize this is a serious condition and I'll get help, BUT FIRST I think I'll check my e-mail...

Doctors notes in patient’s charts: (Actual notes-unedited!)

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Donation Request for the Bill Clinton Monument Dear Friend, We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise five million dollars for a monument of Bill Clinton. We would like you to be aware of our deliberations that resulted in this request. We originally wanted to put Bill Clinton on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces. We then decided to erect a statue of Bill Clinton in the Washington, DC Hall of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference. We finally decided to place a statue of Bill Clinton beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going,did not know where he was, returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money. Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land." Thousands of years later, Franklin D. Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, light up a camel, this is the promised land." Now, Bill Clinton is going to steal your shovels, tax your asses, raise the price of your camels, and mortgage the promised land. If you are one of the fortunate people who have anything left after paying taxes, we ask that you send us a generous contribution for the creation of the Bill Clinton Monument.

Thank You, Bill Clinton Monument Committee

Subject: E-mail?

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family. His wife watches TV all day and his three teenage kids have dropped out of high school to hang around with the local toughs. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day." Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist.

Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day." Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25lb crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family. During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day.

By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him. By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

He continues to work hard. Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse which his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage.

The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned,

"What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.15 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral:

Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

Sadly, I received it also.

"Escaped Convict"

A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.

The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!"

Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."

Fact is stranger than fiction

A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee. A shark can detect one part of blood in 100 million parts of water. The 57 on Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of ingredients in the sauce A rat can last longer without water than a camel. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucous every two weeks, otherwise it will digest itself. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continually from the bottom of the glass to the top. A person cannot taste food unless it is mixed with saliva. For example, if strong-tasting substance like salt is placed on a dry tongue, the taste buds will not be able to taste it. As soon as a drop of saliva is added and the salt is dissolved, a definite taste sensation results. This is true for all foods. A male emperor moth can smell a female emperor moth up to 7 miles away. George Washington grew marijuana in his garden. Some insects can live up to a year without their heads. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller. Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar with Midnight Cowboy. Her entire role lasted only six minutes. A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue! 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals. Every person has a unique tongue print. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was albino. Every night, wasps bite into the stem of a plant, lock their mandibles (jaws) into position, stretch out at right angles to the stem, and, with legs dangling, fall asleep. During the chariot scene in 'Ben Hur' a small red car can be seen in the distance. Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily. John Wilkes Booth's brother once saved the life of Abraham Lincoln's son. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

Chocolate kills dogs is true, chocolate effects a dogs heart and nervous system, a few ounces enough to kill a small sized dog. Daniel Boone detested coonskin caps. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton. Before the 1950's it was made from Hemp. The stem and leaves of a marijuana plant. Most lipstick contains fish scales. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World WarII were made of wood. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000. Both Hitler and Napoleon were missing one testicle. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower', because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver! The numbers '172' can be found on the back of the U.S. $5 dollar bill in the bushes at the base of the Lincoln Memorial. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan, there was never a recorded Wendy before! Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors, also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to SLOW a film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm. Bubble gum contains rubber. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's 'Born in the USA' By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand. Casey Kasem is the voice of Shaggy on Scooby-Doo. Cat's urine glows under a black light. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying! An elephant can smell water three miles away. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them. Babe Ruth wore a cabbage leaf under his cap to keep him cool! He changed it every 2 innings! Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!

FAIRY TALE FOR WOMEN OF THE 21st CENTURY

~~~~~~~~

Once upon a time,

~~~~~~~~

in a land far away,

~~~~~~~~

a beautiful, independent,

~~~~~~~~

self-assured princess

~~~~~~~~

happened upon a frog as she sat,

~~~~~~~~

contemplating ecological issues

~~~~~~~~

on the shores of an unpolluted pond

~~~~~~~~

in a verdant meadow near her castle.

~~~~~~~~

The frog hopped into the princess' lap ~~~~~~~~

and said: Elegant Lady,

~~~~~~~~

I was once a handsome prince,

~~~~~~~~

until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

~~~~~~~~

One kiss from you, however,

~~~~~~~~

and I will turn back

~~~~~~~~

into the dapper, young prince that I am

~~~~~~~~

and then, my sweet, we can marry

~~~~~~~~

and setup housekeeping in your castle

~~~~~~~~

with my mother,

~~~~~~~~

where you can prepare my meals,

~~~~~~~~

clean my clothes, bear my children,

~~~~~~~~

and forever

~~~~~~~~

feel grateful and happy doing so.

~~~~~~~~

That night,

~~~~~~~~

as the princess dined sumptuously

~~~~~~~~

on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs

~~~~~~~~

seasoned in a white wine

~~~~~~~

and onion cream sauce,

~~~~~~~~

she chuckled and thought to herself:

~~~~~~~~

I don't freaking think so.

Farmers daughters

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens the girls dated and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said " Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said " My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was OK too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off "Hi, my name's Chuck ..... and the farmer shot him.

FIRST BALL GAME

KEEPING ABREAST OF THE ACTION

The day has finally arrived. Today is the day you take your son to his first ball game. Leading up to the big day you have told him about game day, the smell of the fresh cut grass, the hot-dogs that taste better at the grounds than anywhere else, the roar of the crowd when the home team scores. You tell him all about the wonderful sites & sounds he'll see on that wonderful day. But the only thing he'll remember about the big day is......

From Men > > > > > > > > TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN WHO'S HAD ENOUGH!!! > > > > Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, >you > > need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down. > > > > If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to >act > > like soap opera guys. > > > > If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to > > answer. > > > > Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can >find > > the perfect present yet again! > > > > If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you >don't > > want to hear. > > > > Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what > > we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as >navel > > lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. > > > > Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. >Let > > it be. > > > > Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that >way. > > > > When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. > > Really. > > You have enough clothes. > > You have too many shoes. > > Crying is blackmail. > > > > Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one. Subtle hints don't >work. > > Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. > > Just say it! > > > > We don't know what day it is. We never will. > > Mark anniversaries on the calendar. > > > > Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes. > > > > Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good >at > > choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? > > > > YES and NO are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. > > > > Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what >we > > do. > > > > Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. > > > > A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. > > > > Foreign films are best left to foreigners. > > > > Check your oil. > > > > It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take a quiz together. > > No, it doesn't matter which quiz. > > > > Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All >comments > > become null and void after 7 days. > > > > If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways >makes > > you sad or angry, we meant the other one. > > > > Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway, it's genetic. > > > > You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but > > not both. > > > > Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. > > > > ALL men see in only 6 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color. > > > > If it itches, it will be scratched. > > > > Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. > > > > If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's > > wrong. > > > > We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle. > > > > What the hell is a DOILY?

God and Ford

Henry Ford died and went to heaven. At the gates, an angel told Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention-the assembly line-changed the world. As a reward, you can hangout with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself." The be-feathered fellow at the Gates took Ford to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. Ford then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Ford, "you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. there's too much front end protrusion

2. it chatters at high speeds

3. maintenance is very costly

4. it constantly needs repainting and refinishing

5. it is out of commission 5 or 6 of every 28 days

6. the rear end wobbles too much, and

7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm," replied God, "hold on." God went to the Celestial Supercomputer, typed in a few keystrokes, and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper.

"It may be that my invention is flawed," God replied to Henry Ford, "but according to statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours!"

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.

"I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he

bellowed to the bartender.

"We got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right." The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers.

Then, he grabbed the beer bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

"How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.

"I don't," replied the woman, "but I thought you might like to open those beers before we get ourselves started."

GRAVITY KILLS

A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use occy straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped... and hit the pavement.

Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma." An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.

LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY

Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the coming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their only real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles. They were launched several hundred feet into the air and were found dead 250 yards from their respective seats.

DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT

A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a lightning storm hit the lake. Most of the other boats immediately headed for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer. Alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this individual stood up, spread his arms wide (crucifixion style) and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!"

Needless to say, God delivered. The other two passengers on the boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns.

CATCH!

A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate) was hospitalized.

THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU

Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone... more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time.

GIMME A LIGHT!

In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition-lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.

Runner-up

A Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Mr. Demuth went overboard to show them one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated the effectiveness of "Crazy Glue"... the hard way. Apparently, Mr. Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was, so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino.

The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years, was not initially startled as it has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However, once it became aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Mr. Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the petting area wildly making Mr. Demuth an unintended passenger.

"Sally [the rhino] hasn't been feeling well lately. She had been very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to relax her bowels, when Mr. Demuth played his juvenile prank," said James Douglass, caretaker. During Sally's tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a number of small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death.

As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers over four hours to remove his hands from the rhino's buttocks. First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down. However, during this process the laxatives began to take hold and Mr. Demuth was repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea. "It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield our faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say that Mr. Demuth was into it up to his neck.

Once she was under control, we had three people with shovels working to keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were able to tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her rear," said Douglass. "I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while."

Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed with the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy some for my children, but of course they can't take it to the zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe

> > > Have a history teacher explain this- If they > can: > > > > > > > Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. > > > John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. > > > Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. > > > John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. > > > The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven > > > letters. > > > Both were particularly concerned with civil > rights. > > > Both wives lost their children while living in > the > > > White House. > > > Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. > > > Both Presidents were shot in the head. > > > Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. > > > Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln. > > > Both were assassinated by Southerners. > > > Both were succeeded by Southerners named > Johnson. > > > Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born > in > > > 1808. > > > Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born > in > > > 1908. > > > John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was > > > born in 1839. > > > Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was > > > born in 1939. > > > Both assassins were known by their three names. > > > Both names are composed of fifteen letters. > > > Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.' > > > Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln.' > (which > > > is a Ford) > > > Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a > > > warehouse. > > > Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a > > > theater. > > > Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their > > > trials. > > > And here's the kicker. > > > A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in > Monroe, > > > Maryland. > > > A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with > Marilyn > > > Monroe. Creepy, huh?

Heart Broken

Two gay gentlemen are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. This fascinated the gay men. One of them just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours non-stop. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital. Next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?" "AM I HURT?" he shouts, "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called, he hasn't written...”

Here are all those phrases, finally, decoded: Male Vocabulary "Haven't I seen you before?" = "Nice ass." “I'm a Romantic." = "I'm poor." "I need you." = "My hand is tired." "I am different from all the other guys." = "I am not circumcised." "I want a commitment." = "I'm sick of masturbation." "You're the only girl I've ever cared about." = "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me." "I really want to get to know you better." = "So I can tell my friends about it." "It's just orange juice, try it." = "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head." "She's kinda cute." = "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary." “I don't know if I like her." = "She won't sleep with me." "I miss you so much." = "I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good." "Was it good for you?" = "I'm insecure about my manhood." "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?" = "Is my penis really that small?" "I had a wonderful time last night." = "Who the hell are you?" "Do you love me?" = "I've done something stupid and you might find out." "Do you 'really' love me?" = "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later." "How much do you love me?" = "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now." "I have something to tell you." = "Get tested." "I'll give you a call." = "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again." "I've been thinking a lot." = "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk." "I think we should just be friends." = "You're ugly." "I've learned a lot from you." = "Next!!!!" "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?" = "I gotta turn on my answering machine."

Hickbonics to English Dictionary

HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting. HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: "Heidi, Hire yew?"

BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - (noun) - The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

BAMMER - (noun) - The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."

MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd>from him in munts."

THANK - (verb) - Ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage: "Them bammer boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickuptruck."

FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup>truck, that thing's gonna catch far."

TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat>tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or>combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."

RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed...must be from some farn country."

DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim." EAR - (noun) - A colourless, odourless gas: Oxygen. Usage: "He cain't breathe...give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bobwar >fence cump'ny?"

HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf."

SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see".

VIEW - contraction: (verb) and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"

GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institutionUsage: "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert."

HIS AND HERS ATM

HIS: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Insert card 3. Enter PIN number and account 4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Check makeup in rearview mirror 3. Shut off engine 4. Put keys in purse 5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine 6. Hunt for card in purse 7. Insert card 8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it 9. Enter PIN number 10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes. 11. Hit "cancel" 12. Re-enter correct PIN number 13. Check balance 14. Look for envelope 15. Look in purse for pen 16. Make out deposit slip 17. Endorse checks 18. Make deposit 19. Study instructions 20. Make cash withdrawal 21. Get in car 22. Check makeup 23. Look for keys 24. Start car 25. Check makeup 26. Start pulling away 27. STOP 28. Back up to machine 29. Get out of car 30. Take card and receipt 31. Get back in car 32. Put card in wallet 33. Put receipt in checkbook 34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook 35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook 36. Check makeup 37. Put car in gear, reverse 38. Put car in drive 39. Drive away from machine 40. Travel 3 miles 41. Release parking brake

HOW FREAKIN' TRUE!!!!!!

How Embarrassing: The following are the top three winners from a Most Embarrassing Moments contest in New Woman Magazine: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night". The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, SURPRISE! My entire family - aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One of the funniest most-embarrassing-moment stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word tampax for THUMBTACKS. In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

How To Recognize A Good Woman A good woman is proud. She respects herself and others. She is aware of who she is. She neither seeks definition from the person she is with, nor does she expect them to read her mind. She is quite capable of articulating her needs. A good woman is hopeful. She is strong enough to make all her dreams come true. She knows love, therefore she gives love. She recognizes that her love has great value and must be reciprocated. If her love is taken for granted, it soon disappears. A good woman has a dash of inspiration and a dabble of endurance. She knows that she will at times have to inspire others to reach the potential God gave them. A good woman knows her past, understands her present and forges toward the future. A good woman knows God. She knows that with God the world is her playground, but without God she will just be played with. A good woman does not live in fear of the future because of her past. Instead, she understands that her life experiences are merely lessons meant to bring her closer to self-knowledge an unconditional self-love... Pass this on to a good woman...... I have....

I've learned- > that you cannot make someone love you. > All you can do is be someone who can be loved. > The rest is up to them.

> I've learned- > that no matter how much I care, > some people just don't care back.

> I've learned- > that it takes years to build up trust, > and only seconds to destroy it.

> I've learned- > that it's not what you have in your life > but who you have in your life that counts.

> I've learned- > that you can get by on charm for about > fifteen minutes. > After that, you'd better know something.

> I've learned- > that you shouldn't compare > yourself to the best others can do.

> I've learned- > that you can do something in an instant > that will give you heartache for life.

> I've learned- > that it's taking me a long time > to become the person I want to be.

> I've learned- > that you should always leave loved ones > with loving words. It may be the last time you > see them.

> I've learned- > that you can keep going > long after you can't.

> I've learned- > that we are responsible for what we do, > no matter how we feel.

> I've learned- > that either you control your attitude > or it controls you.

> I've learned- > that regardless of how hot and steamy > a relationship is at first, the passion fades > and there had better be something else to take > its place. > I've learned- > that heroes are the people > who do what has to be done > when it needs to be done, > regardless of the consequences.

> I've learned- > that money is a lousy way of keeping score. > I've learned- > that my best friend and I can do anything > or nothing and have the best time.

> I've learned- > that sometimes the people you expect > to kick you when you're down > will be the ones to help you get back up.

> I've learned- > that sometimes when I'm angry > I have the right to be angry, > but that doesn't give me > the right to be cruel.

> I've learned- > that true friendship continues to grow, > even over the longest distance. > Same goes for true love.

> I've learned- > that just because someone doesn't love > you the way you want them to doesn't > mean they don't love you with all they have.

> I've learned- > that maturity has more to do with > what types of experiences you've had > and what you've learned from them > and less to do with how many > birthdays you've celebrated.

> I've learned- > that your family won't always be there for you. > It may seem funny, but people you aren't > related to can take care of you and love you > and teach you to trust people again. > Families aren't always biological.

> I've learned- > that no matter how good a friend is, > they're going to hurt you every once in a while > and you must forgive them for that.

> I've learned- > that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by > others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive > yourself. > I've learned- > that no matter how bad your heart is broken > the world doesn't stop for your grief.

> I've learned- > that our background and circumstances > may have influenced who we are, > but we are responsible for who we become.

> I've learned- > that just because two people argue, > it doesn't mean they don't love each other > And just because they don't argue, > it doesn't mean they do.

> I've learned- > that we don't have to change friends > if we understand that friends change.

> I've learned- > that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a > secret. It could change your life forever.

> I've learned- > that two people can look at the exact same thing > and see something totally different.

> I've learned- > that no matter how you try to protect your > children, they will eventually get hurt and > you will hurt in the process.

> I've learned- > that your life can be changed in a matter of > hours by people who don't even know you.

> I've learned- > that even when you think you have no more > to give, when a friend cries out to you, > you will find the strength to help.

> I've learned- > that credentials on the wall > do not make you a decent human being.

> I've learned- > that the people you care about most in life > are taken from you too soon. > > *Send this to all the people you believe in

> IDIOTS & RETAIL > I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the > clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit > card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless > the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was > necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature > I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of > her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the > receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

> IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY > After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I > described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, > "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?". Thinking that he was just kidding, I > played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, > "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

> ADVICE FOR IDIOTS > An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & > Safety Handbook for Employees:" "Blink your eyelids periodically to > lubricate your eyes."

> IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD > I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call > the local township administrative office to request the removal of the > Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by > cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

> IDIOTS & COMPUTERS > My neighbor works in the operations department in the central > office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have > problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in > one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming > from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

> IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE > I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented > that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner > became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that > the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless > to say, she was very disappointed.

> IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE > My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She > asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said > he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

> AN IDIOT'S IDIOT > Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by > placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a > photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, > and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect > wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the > suspect confessed

Subject: If Santa answered his mail honestly

Dear Santa

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer

yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frickin book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Santa

------

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

------

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do?

Love Teddy

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.

Santa

------

Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love, Francis

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay, so I'll set you up with a Barbie.

Santa

------

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love, Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.

Santa

------

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa

------

Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?

Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Santa

------

Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy

Timmy,

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa

------

Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love, Marky

Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams, Santa

If you're over the age of 28 this will crack you up... When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full- time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death! And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it But.... Now that I've reached the ripe old age of twenty-nine, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet -- we wanted to know something, we had to go to the goddamned library and look it up ourselves! And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter -- with a pen! --and then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! And there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and fuck it all up! You want to hear about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! Those were your options! We didn't have fancy shit like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was it could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just ept getting harder and faster until you died! Just like LIFE! When you went to the movie theater there was no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed! And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no on screen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning.....D'ya hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little bastards! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled, I swear to God! You guys would not have lasted five minutes back in 1984!

I've Learned,

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just ass holes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion,not proof,to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends. Their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

I've learned to say "F*** 'em if they can't take a joke" in six languages and "Shit Happens" in twelve.

Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe something good will happen. If not... tough shit.

Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes.

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you Give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going around the corner."

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey I wouldn't want to be a giant, because the only movies you could see would be at the drive-in; and hey - you'd probably crush some cars.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, "Congratulations, it's a girl," I think a good gag would be to get real mad and yell, "A girl!? You must have me mixed up with that dork!" and point to another father.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope he likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people, for example, could probably use a cheap ice pick.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down, I think it's okay to laugh, and to let the hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I think it was just a lucky swing.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off to go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening, when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey As the evening sun faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out of your nose.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I "swarm about" to protect my nest of chocolate eggs.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to that old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then, we had some growing up to do.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey If your a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what really throws you into a panic.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered they were not Indians at all, but dirty clothes hampers.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little bay-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair, the first thing we do is see if they have some kind of pornography booth.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of the pudding skin.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it easy!

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey I hope life isn't a big joke because I don't get it.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey I hope in the future Americans are thought of as warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick "Americans" as their mascot.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey When Rick told me he was having trouble with his wife, I had to laugh. Not because of what he said, but because of a joke I thought of. I told him the joke, but he didn't laugh very much. Some friend he is.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey We like to raise birds for flying. But how much of it is actually flying, and how much of it is just sort of coasting from the previous flap?

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the floor. "Sorry, "he said with a smile.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, "Yes, my name's Todd. Todd Blankenship." Oh, also I wish my last name was Blankenship.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling." It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood. I don't know why we should do this, but my God, we've got to try something!

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis! How do they do that?!

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little basket beds with my name on it.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in a while. It's their way of letting off stress.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey I think Superman and Santa Claus are actually the same guy, and I'll tell you why: both fly, both wear red, and both have a beard.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?"

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other. But here's the point I'm trying to make: corn on the cob is good, isn't it.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey Marta says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because where does he think he's going?!

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much."

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you up a wall.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey It's easy to sit and scoff at an old man's folly. But also, check out his Adam's apple!

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets his wings. But what they don't tell you is, every time you hear mousetrap snap, an angel gets set on fire.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tells the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey Why is it that we laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry - cleaner bags?

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guys arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, "What was that?!"

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. That's right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say. That's an honest question, and I'll try to give it an honest answer. First of all, did I say it was a poison feather?

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey When I heard that trees grow a new "ring" for each year they live, I thought, we humans are kind of like that: we grow a new layer of skin each year, and after many years we are thick and unwieldy from all our skin layers.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" No. I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do: Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say, "Well, technically that's illegal." It might fit in with what somebody just said. And even if it doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and have a long personal talk. After that, I'm not sure, but maybe you could throw some water in his face or something.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey Just because swans mate for life, I don't think it's that big of a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks that much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up behind you to keep people from following too close.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey To bad there's not such a thing as a golden skunk, because you'd probably be proud to be sprayed by one.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that's the least effective on me is a kind of clicking noise.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone's lip. Even if they smash you, ick!, you're all over their lip!

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just makes me want to grab them by the collar and yell, "Why you stupid, stupid bastard!" Then I drive them out into the desert to where the circus is, and point out the many forms of zebra and clown life.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection? I thought you said `inspection'" They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm de Vine Man."

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like "Hey, when are you going to pay me that hundred dollars you owe me?" or "Do you have that fifty dollars you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey Blow ye winds, Like the trumpet blows; But without that noise.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are, little blacksmith.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don't stop and start thinking of what other words have "under" in them, because that's probably the first sign of jungle madness.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, one thing you would constantly find yourself telling people would be, "Be sure, before I start, you have all the jewelry and so forth on the body, because I am not unwrapping him later."

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey If I had the time to sit down and write a thank-you note to everyone who sent me a nice, expensive present, what a wonderful world that would be!

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it clear over to the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.