Free Everywhere, $2.30 Canada Year 2, Issue 19, No. 33 Week of April 19, 2010 Friend us on Facebook! Claire and Hiro Save Cheerleader, World, ASG By Sam Gutelle was “stronger than ever” and that was able to recover, “no one can stop me now, not even and with the help EVANSTON – Civilians rejoiced you, Claire.” McGee has not been of both Kawashima on Wednesday after learning that seen since. and NU President vice president elect Hiro Kawashi- Kawashima explained the thrill- Morton Shapiro ma had in fact saved Claire “The ing 24 hours that followed to The (whose ability to fly Cheerleader” Lew from the clutches Flipside: “I was ready to give up proved invaluable), of the sinister Alessio “Sylar” Man- until my future self reminded me: Claire was able to ti. “Yatta!” exclaimed a delighted Save the Cheerleader, save the triumph. Kawashima as he stood next to the world, save ASG. That’s when I “I’m glad they uninjured Lew, “I wish I could stop knew I had to help her.” won,” said Me- time right in this very moment.” The tumultuous final battle dill junior Sarah Things were looking grim for seemed to be tilting toward Man- Renner, “I just Claire and Hiro yesterday after ti and his running mate Adam hope they don’t get Manti made a promise to “inherit Thompson-Harvey after Manti significantly worse the thoughts of [current President] drove an incisive listserv email next season... I Mike McGee.” He claimed that he through Lew’s heart. However, she mean, quarter.” Tea Party Mayfest, Hillel Bring Al Gore Movement to Decide Wistfully Stares Between Darjeeling at Signature and Earl Grey Regina Spektor, Rabbi Joseph to Dillo Day Before Adding By Sam Block as “Rabbi Joseph be too fucking Prefix “Vice” wasted to care that he is playing By Brad Horras EVANSTON – With students on Shabbat,” according his web- at Northwestern’s hea-a-a-a-a-a- site. NEW YORK – Former Vice rts already broken in excitement However, not everybody on cam- President Al Gore hastily for Regina Spektor, Mayfest an- pus was pleased with the choice. scratched in the word “Vice” nounced its second headliner for Students like John Mark Mat- 2010 Dillo Day: Rabbi Joseph. thews, a member of the Harmony, before “President Al Gore” Famous for songs like “Shabbat Spirits and Redemption acapella Monday, startled from a mo- Shalom!”, “Dreidel, Dreidel,” and show, are crusading for a different ment lost in thought as a “Give Me a Fucking Break, Pal- artist. staffer asked if he was done estine,” Rabbi Joseph’s name was “I’m tired of Hillel running cam- endorsing a non-binding U.N. pus,” says Matthews, a blonde- a hard-won prize for NU. As with resolution. Internal sources Sex Week Spektor, Hillel contributed a large haired, blue eyed junior. “Rabbi portion of their vast funding re- Joseph hasn’t produced something report his “Vice” has grown in- ceived through various donations, good since his Pink Floyd pseudo- creasingly haphazardly-placed Comes Too matzah sales, and Ponzi schemes. sequel The Western Wall.” in relation to the rest of his At least thirty percent of campus title and is always Early This Year is schvitzing with excitement; written last, often many others are converting. “Dude, Rabbi Joseph knows how in lowercase. to play that shofar,” says sopho- The Nobel Prize more and future crowd surfer Levi winner currently Maccabi. divides his time With the canting of Rabbi Jo- between leading seph, the “Kosher Kid,” also comes new Dillo Day activities. There his Alliance for Cli- will be a hamantaschen station, mate Protection, matchmakers, and a cultural and adding work center to explain what this shit history to his Face- means. book profile and fan One small issue, critics say, is page just to look, that Dillo Day takes place on a Friday, the Jewish day of chal- but not saving it. lah. This problem was put to rest, Want to Write? Have an Idea? Email: [email protected] View More Online at NORTHWESTERNFLIPSIDE.COM Alessio Manti: Actually Anthropology Graduate A Light Bulb Salesman Student Discovers Social Life By David F. Xavier Rubino By Jesse Mumm tion, drinking, musical performances, long walks, or simply sitting in place EVANSTON – After his defeat EVANSTON – In a startling dis- together. The reason for these ceremo- in Wednesday’s vital ASG elec- covery garnering the attention of local nial practices eludes contemporary news media, NU Anthropology ma- anthropologists. tion, certain facts about Claire’s jor and incipient researcher Allison In a brave attempt to resist ro- opponent have come to light con- Dumke, through her immersion in manticizing the indigenous, or overly cerning his true agenda. Alessio local culture, has uncovered the exis- identifying with them in an effort to Manti, long thought to be striving tence of a social life. ‘go native,’ Dumke has declined all of- for a piece of the political pie, is in “I will not commit the error of over- fers from her informants to help her actuality a simple vendor of incan- generalizing—often called the ‘ethno- in developing her own social life. “It descent lights, as evidenced by his graphic fallacy,’—nor yet speculate on works…within…their culture,” the most prominent campaign icon, increase sales. Perhaps if Alessio the structural or political economic erstwhile researcher articulated, “But an “A” inside one of the devices. cast some light on where he re- exigencies of my subjects,” Dumke there are experiential limits to cultur- ally stood about how many sales said, “but it appears they deploy this al relativism. I cannot simply ‘hang However, thanks to an overeager ‘social life,’ if you will, to have—in a out’ for no reason.” he wanted to make, the types of student body and his deep, sono- hegemonically constructed, definitely What similarity these humans- rous voice easily confusable with lighting he could have provided, not a priori or ‘given’ sense—fun.” with-a-social-life might have to fully that of a politician, he was all-too- and how his new AllesiBulbs Over the course of a year of fieldwork, civilized, modern, present day human swiftly placed along the pedestal can eliminate the beer-goggle ef- she was obliged to attend gatherings anthropology students at Northwest- of “candidate”. This can also be fect, he would have won over the where these subjects engaged in an ern remains unanswered as of press attributed to the long-standing hearts and minds of more stu- array of rituals involving conversa- time. tradition of keeping the voters dents. As it stands, however, when as unaware as possible about the The Flipside tried to question him Flipside Buys SigEp Brother actual campaign issues at hand; on the issues, Alessio declined to preferring instead the “tactic” of comment. Upon further irritating dailyrejects.com Receives Brobel plastering the candidates names him with light bulb puns, this re- everywhere with the hope that porter was forcibly launched from Domain Name Peace Prize people would make a non-existent the audience. Perhaps Claire can connection. clear up the question about why Sadly, most people only saw the my current lighting situation also light bulb and thought it was a doubles as a “fire hazard”, but at metaphor. In fact, the logo’s mes- the moment, we are all, as a stu- sage was intended to be much dent body, left in the dark without more blunt: he only wanted to Alessio’s bright, shining future. ESPN Projects Pittsburgh Pirates to Win World Series

By Alex Finkelstein is precisely 62 degrees and the Presi- dent’s first name starts with letter B CW to Make Show The Opening Week of the 2010 in the month of May, the Pirates are baseball season has just come to a a lock. About Pretty White Girl with close and ESPN has already sapped Another analyst, John Kruk, adds, the suspense out of it. Using ad- “If you haven’t heard of starting vanced saber metrics and years of pitching sensation Ross Ohlendhorf, Problems in Big City compiled data to analyze and proj- you will in the coming weeks.” By Jay S. Calhoun was a curt “Those don’t count.” ect the opening week of this season, Although the Pirates are slated The only other show that was com- ESPN has already crowned the Pitts- to be World Series Champions, the HOLLYWOOD – The CW has an- peting for this timeslot in the CW’s burgh Pirates as its projected World season is not lost for everyone. Al- nounced that come this fall they will line up was a show called Tribula- Series winner based on early perfor- bert Pujols is the expected National air a new show called My Problems, a tions about the troubles of a single mance. League MVP and is on pace to hit a sitcom about a rich white girl placed father raising his kids in south cen- According to renowned Baseball mind-blowing 92 homers this year. in a new environment. The creator tral Los Angels trying to teach them Tonight analyst Peter Gammons, “If Pujols has a batting average of .400 hinted at plot points including the about honor and life and evading his you look at the numbers, it’s obvious. when he plays teams that start with main character meeting mostly past life as a drug dealer. Gottlieb Based on their young talent, recent a vowel and the count is 2 and 2. Jo- white friends with one minority rep- explained the choice of My Problems victories over the Los Angeles Dodg- hann Santana also has a projected resented, one of her male friends over Tribulations, saying that “we ers and impressive 28-17 record in ERA of 0.37 and is a shoe in for the turning out to be gay, and a tough don’t believe that there is an audi- games played where the temperature Cy Young Award. decision between two gorgeous men. ence for shows with new ideas, real With all of the key components of Nicole Gottlieb, a CW spokesper- emotions, themes that people can the 2010 Season decided, ESPN is son, remarked: “We at the CW felt relate to, or character development.” already warming up the Hot Stove that we didn’t have enough shows The projected ratings for My Prob- for 2011 and beyond. According to targeted at the female pre-teenage lems are off the charts. Gottlieb at- Baseball Tonight host Karl Ravech, and teenage audiences about the tributes this largely to the reliability the Washington Nationals are the problems of pretty white girls.” Her of the CW’s most reliable viewers, team that will fly under the radar in response to further inquiry about the doctor’s-office-waiting-room de- 2017. “You’ve gotta keep your eye on One Tree Hill, Gossip Girl, 90210, mographic. the high school talent,” Ravech says. Melrose Place, and Life Unexpected

Note: All names and stories are fictional, unless public figures are being satirized. Remember, these are all jokes.

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