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Comment And Review October 27, 2010 Official Journal of news, Analysis, volume xxxix issue viii page 2 the paper october 27, 2010

the paper represents the Caf price is too damn high party. We were asked to cough up $13 to enter the Caf. It is outrageous. Did you hear that? That was a paper editor’s stomach growling, ‘cause they’re hungry. We’re hungover. And we need food to dis- place the booze that is in our tummys. We demand reasonable prices for sub-par foodstuffs. As karate experts, we will not directly insult the Sodexo food or staff because what matters is that the Caf price is TOO DAMN HIGH.

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the paper exists as Fordham University’s journal of news, analysis, comment, Contributors and review. We are an entirely student run publication, and have been since 1972. Booze, your mom, “Sex Machine,” Bina Santos, Poop Boots (The Our aim is to print compelling articles written by students in their own voice and Implied Punchline Was Poop!), Dan Yacovino, Trail Mix, Angela from their own perspective. Yes, this means we allow things like cussin’, and sto- Pokorny, Not Vomit, Alex Blalock, Several Waves of Femenism, ries of substance-induced debauchery. But it also means we publish articles that ex- Sam Stokes, Pus, Krissy Buongiorno, Crafts, Leena Macheril, The amine issues on Fordham’s campus and in the world from a critical perspective. We Mid-90s, Keegan Talty, Prohibition, Alex Kelso, Irish Exits, Chloe are not brown-nosers, nor a newspaper of record. 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If you don’t like it, shut your pie of papers past, Timothy Bridge hole (or come write for us)! october 27, 2010 the paper page 3 news Broadening the Discourse WikiLeaks Releases Hundreds of Thousands Of Classified Military Documents from the Iraq War by Bobby Cardos with all journalists to increase of the documents, and also has cupation by showing how the When dealing with a database CO-EDITOR-IN-CHIEF the amount of knowledge avail- several categorical subdivisions military reports its own events. this large, different news orga- his past Friday, WikiLeaks able. based on the activities detailed, Assange has received criti- nizations can focus on differ- Treleased 391,832 docu- Advanced technology has the region, or the Military divi- cism for releasing classifi ed ent elements of the documents ments of classifi ed military re- greatly helped WikiLeaks in the sion or affi liation. The Iraq War information in the past. The as pertains to the story they are ports from the Iraq occupation. successful gathering and dis- Logs page, programmed by Times reports that the deci- trying to tell. It marks the largest leak of in- tribution of information. Very OWNI, shows randomized logs, sion to put out the Afghan pa- One early revelation from telligence in U.S. history, more rarely does anyone at WikiLe- complete with a detailed break- pers completely uncensored in the Logs was that there is some than fi ve times the documents aks learn the identity of the down, map of the activity site, July was entirely his own, and kind of record of civilian casu- WikiLeaks released on the Af- whistleblower contributing in- and links to occupation-related caused confl icts even within his alties, albeit coming inciden- ghan war in July and more than formation, and because most articles from the Times and The circle of WikiLeaks volunteers, tally through the signifi cant fi fty times the 7,000 page Pen- of the informa- many of whom activities reports. An article by tagon Papers Daniel Ellsberg tion is submitted thought that the the Christian Science Monitor leaked to the New York Times in via the internet, information’s shows that the numbers from the 70s. they are able nature could un- the reports roughly agree with WikiLeaks is a website cur- to encrypt and necessarily en- the casualty numbers given on rently run and maintained by bounce informa- danger troops website www.IraqBodyCount. Julian Assange, who acts as tion around the and Afghan citi- org. It also provides documen- its primary voice to the public internet, through zens by exposing tation of Blackwater (now Xe) (though he is in fact part of a the servers of their movements operatives opening fi re on civil- nine member board of direc- countries like and affi liations. ians on numerous occasions. tors). Started in 2006, WikiLe- Belgium and Some have ex- Though the events in the aks boasts the largest collection Sweden, so they plicitly claimed documents have been reported of classifi ed documents, and, in become covered that Assange’s throughout world news outlets, the few years of its existence, by their journal- ideological cru- they are still valuable in their has released more classifi ed in- istic protections. sade has blood sterility, giving them credit both formation than the rest of the This makes it on its hands. as primary and objective sourc- world’s media combined. signifi cantly eas- However, De- es. And they will have a par- It operates on a general ier—and safer— mocracy Now ticular importance in the U.S., principle that information gov- to leak informa- reports that a where many of the incidents are ernments and corporations try tion and more recent Pentagon downplayed, obscured through to conceal—as Assange puts diffi cult for gov- letter reveals that the nature of American news re- it, “spend work to conceal”— ernments to trace none of the intel- porting, or entirely ignored. As tends to be the kind of informa- leaks. As Daniel Call me the James Bond of ligence released Assange said after the release of tion that is most important, that Ellsberg com- journalism. has compro- the Afghan documents in July, has the ability to have a public mented, “It is, mised military regarding the video leak “Col- impact. Concealed information of course, a leak efforts or other- lateral Murder,” which showed is often powerful information. on a scale that wise endangered Apache helicopter pilots fi ring This view has been affi rmed I couldn’t have troops. on eleven unarmed civilians, through past leaks like the Kroll done forty years ago, without Guardian published on the day There is obviously a similar two of which were Reuters jour- report, the release of which ef- scanners and digital capabili- the report was made. Since the concern with these documents, nalists, “The people in Bagh- fectively shifted the Kenyan ties. I used the most advanced logs are often in military short- but their impact will not be clear dad, the people in Iraq, the peo- election in 2007. WikiLeaks technology that I had at that hand, both pages allow the user until they have circulated fully ple in Afghanistan—they don’t believes that in order to scru- time—Xerox—and I couldn’t to expand abbreviations when and there has been time for a need to see the video; they see tinize those in power, we need have done what I did ten years reading the documents. reaction. Like other leaks, the it every day. So it’s not going information, and that the prom- before that.” As news agencies have al- benefi t of making this informa- to change their opinion. It’s not ulgation of such information These latest documents are ready noted, many of the events tion available to the public and going to change their percep- creates a stronger society for all mostly “signifi cant activity re- documented in the reports—at all media is that it allows people tion. That’s what they see every by making it more diffi cult for ports” from Iraq, and range from least the nature of the events— to confi rm the veracity of news day. It will change the percep- the powerful to engage in cor- mundane accounts of daily ac- are nothing new. Rather, the stories they have read, both the tion and opinion of the people rupt activities with secrecy and tivity to evidence of torture and value of the documents are in reports WikiLeaks releases in who are paying for it all. And impunity. Better investigative violence against civilians. They their ability to fi ll in details on conjunction with each docu- that’s our hope.” His hope, as journalism means better democ- are organized in two links from events with primary reports that ment and the stories from other someone who has encountered racies. As a non-profi t, it maxi- the website: “Diary Dig” and are open for all media outlets news organizations. It also al- and made available evidence of mizes its potential for impact by “The Iraq War Logs.” The Di- to use. The documents provide lows the same documents to be so much corruption, is at least seeking to work collaboratively ary Dig is a searchable database a fuller context to view the oc- analysed from numerous angles. encouraging. in this editorials arts features comix Farewell to Catfish Review, p.15 the paper’s guide to: Multiracial stick figures! p.24 Silk Road Palace, p.9 issue:

p.20 page 4 the paper october 27, 2010 The Pot Prop Upcoming elections brings blunts to the front burner with Prop 19 by Alex Gibbons money that will be saved if Cal- Californian claimed that pot le- Czar” Gil Kerlikowske recently is a state-wide phenomenon that CO-EDITOR-IN-CHIEF ifornia law enforcement redi- galization would create a “Wild said that pot legalization is not results from police offi cers be- As Californians prepare to rects its focus from cannabis and West of marijuana use and pos- the way to solve California’s ing ordered to patrol with more vote in next week’s elections, its users to other more pressing session,” and lead to an increase woes, though he also admitted intensity “high crime” areas, opponents of Proposition 19, a issues. Jeffrey A. Miron, Direc- in violent crimes. This claim that America’s War on Drugs is generally inner-city and low clause on the ballots that would tor of Undergraduate Studies at ignores the reality that criminal- a dismal failure. income neighborhoods – hence legalize cannabis for medici- Harvard University and a senior ization spurs violent crime, put- What most of these voices the gaping disparities in canna- nal and recreational uses in the fellow at the Cato Institute esti- ting power in the hands of street of opposition don’t appreci- bis arrest. The passage of Prop Golden State, have been gearing mates that, if Prop 19 is passed, dealers and the drug cartels who ate are the positive qualities of 19 would allow adults above California could cannabis that outweigh the the age of 21 to possess small up their rhetoric. Now, with the Come on, everyone’s collect an ad- drug’s negative aspects or amounts of cannabis on their passage of Prop 19 becoming doing it. more and more a feasible real- ditional $352 the huge monetary cost of person. Presently, the posses- ity, opponents of cannabis are million per year enforcing anti-marijuana sion of any amount of mari- employing scare tactics to en- and save up to laws. Cannabis does have juana in California is grounds courage independents to vote no $960 million a therapeutic value. Stud- for arrest (Governor Schwar- on 19. With November 2 rapidly in expenditures ies at the Center for Medi- zenegger recently signed a bill approaching, many polls are in- on arrests and cal Cannabis Research have downgrading the offense for dicating an increasing majority prosecutions of revealed that pot has the po- possessing an ounce or less of of Californians oppose Prop 19. marijuana users. tential to blunt neuropathic cannabis from a misdemeanor This, of course, is a very, Opponents pain, which can be caused to an infraction, but the bill will very bad thing. California is, for of Prop 19 are by trauma or a variety of not go into effect until January). lack of a better term, in the shit- choosing to ailments including various The study suggests that Prop 19 ter. The state currently has a $19 focus on the negative side ef- run the game and wreak havoc forms of cancer and HIV. would help in eliminating the billion budget defi cit, and is $69 fects of the herb, oftentimes on Mexican border towns. Opposition also tends to disparities as well as alleviating billion in debt. As a result, many employing hyperbolic dialogue In Los Angeles County, ignore the social implications California’s prison congestion. California’s social programs in attempts to prevent the his- Sheriff Lee Baca stated that in marijuana laws. New stud- As the push-back against have been stripped of a large toric proposition from passing. even if Prop 19 passes, he will ies released by the Drug Policy marijuana prohibition picks portion of their funding. If the A visit to noonprop19.com re- still enforce federal drug laws. Alliance and the California up speed around the country, state does not resolve its money veals a disturbing image of an Baca foresees the same dysto- NAACP reveal that in 25 of California is at the vanguard of issues soon, California’s hospi- overturned school bus and a pian future as the editorial board California’s major cities police the slow movement. Though it tals, public schools, prisons, and smashed up car with text claim- of Salinas, a California riddled forces arrest blacks and Hispan- would not legalize cannabis in law enforcement agencies will ing that Prop 19 would allow with traffi c accidents and vio- ics for marijuana possession the eyes of the Federal Govern- suffer signifi cantly. Californians to smoke just be- lent drug crimes. The same goes up to 12 times more than they ment, Prop 19 would be the fi rst Proponents of Prop 19 esti- fore they drive on “freeways for our federal government. The did whites, though whites con- time a state has legalized the mate that the legalization, taxa- and through your neighbor- Attorney General, Eric Holder, sume marijuana at higher rates cultivation, possession, and rec- tion, and regulation of cannabis hood.” But criticism is not lim- stated that the Obama adminis- than other social groups. This is reational use of cannabis since will generate billions of dol- ited to think tanks and special tration would “vigorously en- not, the study suggests, a result marijuana was prohibited in the lars in state revenue every year. interest groups. Recently, the force” federal drug laws if Prop of personal bias on the part of United States in the early 20th Alongside this estimate is the editorial board of the Salinas 19 is passed, and our “Drug the arresting offi cer. Instead, it century. From Bad to Worse: Cholera Epidemic in Haiti by Bina Santos Cholera struck this month overfl owing; over 200 people awful and highly congested liv- are working to replenish these GLOBETROTTING FOR- in the Caribbean for the fi rst have died already, and over ing conditions lacking proper dwindling and much needed EIGN CORRESPONDANT time in a century. Cholera is an 2,500 have been hospitalized. sanitation and clean water, these supplies. Food for the Poor, When will Haiti get a infection of the small intestine As those numbers continue to camps would be a breeding World Vision and UNICEF break? Still recovering from that can be contracted by ex- rise, Imogen Wall, a spokes- ground for the epidemic. The are sending volunteers and aid the destructive 7.0 magnitude posure to and consumption of woman for the United Nations number of cholera cases will teams, as well as donations of earthquake that hit January of contaminated water. Its main Offi ce for the Coordination of very likely skyrocket, should antibiotics and other medical this year, Haiti has more than symptoms include diarrhea and Humanitarian Affairs, believes the disease make inroads. supplies, water purifying tab- enough problems without this vomiting, which can then lead that “the epidemic has not Clinics and hospitals are lets, dehydration salts, hygiene recent, menacing outbreak of working tirelessly to treat and kits, soap, etc. cholera. contain the disease but are There are many elements Nine months after the Not getting much better. struggling under the strain of working against Haiti. The in- quake, the country’s infrastruc- limited resources and man- frastructure is fragile and still re- ture is still a mess. Many have power. The government also covering from the earthquake’s observed that the situation looks plans to launch a nation- devastation. The rainy season “like the earthquake hit yester- wide prevention campaign has already caused damage in day,” as stated by Jean-Yves through radio and television the refugee camps. Most of the Jason, mayor of Port-au-Prince. announcements, warning Hai- population is still homeless and Only about 2% of the rubble has tians to not drink or use water living in grim circumstances. been cleared, making it diffi cult from the Artibonite River, and Supplies and resources are low to move forward with rebuild- to wash with soap. “Strong and exhausting themselves ing and reconstruction. Build- promotion of good hygiene faster than they can be replaced, ings remain in ruin and much of practices will be key to mak- while international monetary the population is homeless, liv- ing residents aware of how to aid is not coming in quickly ing in crowded tent cities. Arch- keep themselves safe and curb enough. Understandably, des- bishop Bernard Auza, a Nuncio the spread of this disease,” peration and devastation can be (a representative of the pope) says Melody Muz, the Inter- found renewed in the towns and based in Haiti, commented at national Rescue Committee’s faces of the people. the end of September: “The hu- to severe dehydration and death reached its peak.” environmental health program There is hope, but it will take manitarian situation is still in an if not treated effectively. When As of now, the disease is coordinator in Haiti. a lot more than hope for Haiti to emergency phase. Over 1 mil- addressed immediately, cholera largely concentrated in the Ar- But even with all these sug- recover from this latest blow. As lion refugees are living in tents can be successfully cured with tibonite and Central Plateau gested precautions, supplies are more hardships befall the Hai- and the number is on the rise.” oral rehydration therapy or IV regions. The suspected cause limited and sometimes nonex- tians, international involvement Living conditions in the camps treatment. In the event that such of the outbreak is the Artibo- istent. Especially in the smaller becomes more necessary. Not- are dismal and barely meet ev- treatment and commercial sup- nite River, a community water towns and villages, soap and ing the global response to the eryone’s basic needs, if at all. plies are not available, simple source used for laundry wash- means for purifying or boiling earthquake and the seemingly Clean water access, proper sew- mixtures of water, sugar and salt ing, bathing, drinking and other water are rare or unaffordable. unchanged state of the country, age disposal, electricity and are effective as well. daily needs. The most recent “If we don’t have the means, we can only hope that the in- other necessities are extremely Unfortunately, still crippled cases, reported in the capital how can we do it?” asks Lener ternational response to Haiti’s rare, while crime, sickness and by the earthquake, Haiti is not Port-au-Prince, have awoken Neozil, a young Haitian. cries for help this time around death become much more com- prepared for this. In spite of ef- great fears of cholera spreading On the world front, vari- will be better, more attentive mon. forts, clinics and infi rmaries are to the refugee camps. With such ous international aid agencies and more effective. october 27, 2010 the paper page 5 The Media Perpetuates Racism and Rape Culture, With a Little Help from Liberty Central’s Ginni Thomas by Marisa Carroll other woman’ because I allowed homing and watching 24” made Hill To Apologize” is a mos- Brandeis, and long-term gov- FEATURES EDITOR the extreme women to take over clear that “no offense was ever quito bite in a part of your back ernment aide who experienced On October 9th, Clarence my country [as they] became intended” by the call. you never knew existed before immense personal and profes- Thomas’s wife put in a neigh- mean-spirited lobbyists, corrupt Anita Hill was permitted it itched. We now know more sional shame and effectively no borly phone call to Anita Hill. politicians and angry women.” to voice, “I appreciate that no about Liberty Central than reward for choosing to speak out Of course, that Ms. Hill accused She downloaded LC Salute’s offense was intended, but she we will ever need, and Justice in 1991. Whether deemed “pro- Justice Thomas of sexual ha- “We Ain’t Going Away” to her can’t ask for an apology without Thomas’s book sold more cop- fessional” or less than human by rassment during his 1991 Su- iTunes to listen to during Dr. suggesting that I did something ies in the last week than it has in our culture (Hello, Duke rape preme Court confi rmation hear- Laura’s now-vacant time slot. wrong, and that is offensive,” the last year. More insidiously, case), resurrecting the myth that ings should not put a damper on She enjoyed her tea. but then the Juan Williams story seeing another white person pa- she must have lied about being this friendliness. Ginni Thomas This is news. This tronize another black assaulted is a product of her was probably waiting for the story is news because Ginni Thomas, for one, doesn’t get person spreads the race and gender. As Patricia Hill tea kettle to sing and the new the New York Times, what all the fuss is about. stain we start to col- Collins wrote about Ms. Hill batch of her Liberty Central “the Grey Lady,” lect as media-saturated in Black Sexual Politics (read pamphlets, emblazoned with found it worthy to run kiddies. Can you taste it), back in 1991 the media re- righteous condemnations of as a major news head- the patronization in ported that Hill’s “reliability as Obama’s tyranny, to print, expe- line last week. Not Ginni Thomas’s priv- a witness was disputed on the riencing a momentary lapse in fussy with the details, ilege-fueled words as grounds that she was acting out daily excitement that is her life neither critical nor she teaches Anita Hill of unrequited love for Thom- as middle-aged, rich, white, Tea condoning, they sim- a thing or two about a as…who apparently rejected Partier. Boredom often breeds ply poured this infor- thing or two? But of her and married a white woman, the best ideas, and for Ginni mation into the ocean course this possibility behavior that sparked a deep de- Thomas, this axiom was espe- of Liberty that is the dare not be mentioned, sire for revenge.” In 2010, the cially true. She picked up the American media. No, a even in more-liberal picture is no different—except phone. better, sea-based simi- mainstream outlets. that the attack is being carried “I just wanted to reach across le: They poured it into It can be mentioned, out by another woman, albeit the airwaves and the years and the media’s mouth like however, that this is- one who has questioned Barack ask you to consider something. mackerel-happy dol- sue is specifi cally not Obama’s citizenship and is I would love you to consider phin trainers. The story spurred broke and everyone moved on. racially charged, with a few “intrigued by Glenn Beck and an apology sometime and some quotations from Justice Thom- So it goes. pinches of “Mrs. Thomas can’t listening carefully.” By letting full explanation of why you did as’s “silence-breaking” memoir Even CNN would fi nd an- be racist because she’s married another attack on a Ms. Hill what you did with my husband. pitying Ms. Hill for being used other “the-24-hour-news-cycle- to a black man” tossed into the creep its way into the national So give it some thought. And by political factions (paired is-killing-us-story” too hack- coverage for good measure. Pat mindset—especially without certainly pray about this and with links to the book’s Amazon neyed to air, but if we are to ourselves on the back, post-ra- fi lter or critique—we further hope that one day you will help page, of course), debates about protect ourselves at all it is nec- cial America. We did it! internalize the image of women us understand why you did what sexual harassment claims in the essary to step back and note why We also cannot dare men- (particularly black women) as you did. O.K., have a good day.” workplace, and news anchors’ the media’s images hurt us. This tion that a white woman ask- vengeful and dishonest, thereby And Ginni Thomas herself sighs about women fi ghting story is a case study of racism ing a black woman to apologize encouraging assault survivors to went on to have a good day. On over men. Sure, some people and rape-culture’s quiet perpet- for lying about sexual harass- keep silent if they want to avoid her blog, the Liberty Central, made fun of Ginni Thomas for uation: a real double whammy. ment feels at least a little icky. being shamed. Another point for Ginni Thomas uploaded Billie holding a grudge, but the proud First, there is the issue of I won’t mention that Anita Hill victim blaming, another point Tucker’s post about how she Nebraskan “who loves motor over-informing; “Thomas Asks is a lawyer, tenured professor at for rape culture. is “ashamed to call myself ‘the Gasoline, Rising Rent, and Agent Orange: the Jimmy McMillan Story by Sam Stokes found himself holding different Do any of those organizations all using intense tactics. Wheth- thing), but McMillan should STAFF MCMILLAN positions, such as a postal work- I just listed exist, and is there er he walked on foot to Albany, be considered a truly great po- SUPERFAN er, or as he has reported, a karate any shed of proof to back what disrupted public speeches, or litical thinker. On that point, he Every now and then there expert. He grew more and more I just claimed? These questions just spoke with levels of ex- responded to gay marriage by are unique men of great con- involved in his community until will have to be left for history. treme grandeur, McMillan saying, “…if you want to marry viction, who grab hold of peo- 1993, when McMillan made his This attack might have deterred was and is still proudly on that a shoe, I’ll marry you.” ple’s hearts and champion their fi rst real bid for offi ce. Instead or even blinded an average bridge. It should be stated, how- Over the course of this in- cause—true patriots and heroes of governor, though, Jimmy man. For a weaker man it could ever, that the original bridge vestigation I somehow found of the American people. Even was running for may- scheme did not myself on the phone with Jim- more rarely there are glove- or. His platform was “TOO! work—McMillan my himself, or as he put it: “You wearing, bearded, all-sorts-of- much the same as it DAMN!! never got enough talkin’ to the GrandChiefereno crazy, rent-hating candidates for is today, as rent was HIGH!!!” signatures to be on himself, Jimmy McMillan-rent the governorship of New York. still too damn high, the ’94 ballot. He too damn high, yes it is!” This man is Jimmy McMillan and he sought the sig- has never won any The conversation lasted a to- of the “Rent is 2 Damn High” natures to put him on political title. tal of three minutes. He ranted movement, representing the the ballot. There was Though his about how he wants to make Rent is Too High Party. all the usual cam- message has been college tuition free (govern- McMillan’s history is one paign stuff—shirts critiqued as sim- ment control of most institu- of struggle. He spent his youth made, posters drawn, ple, it is in fact tions in the economic sector— as a helicopter door-gunner in and the candidate tied quite revolution- where does he get these ideas?) Vietnam from 1966-68, and to a tree and doused ary. By focusing on He also spoke of how rent is a received three bronze stars in gasoline…Dur- the rent being too complex thing that takes a great for his performance. While in ing his campaigning McMil- have been the last straw on the damn high, McMillan makes it deal of factors into account… the service, McMillan claims lan was seemingly assaulted on camel’s back, throwing him into the defi ning question of govern- No, not really—it’s just that it’s he saw the harrowing use of the street and tied to a nearby some dark state with no grasp on ment. He argues that through- too damn high. Throughout our the chemical agent commonly tree; his assailants then poured the real world. Not Jimmy Mc- out the history of mankind there conversation he never revealed called “agent orange” fi rst hand. gasoline over the man. Was this Millan, though. McMillan did has been a constant struggle be- some normal, subdued side Meant as a herbicide to reduce really just a group of street ur- what any modern day Cincin- tween the landlords and tenants, that I thought might be hidden the vast forested land that gave chins abusing an older bearded natus would do. He climbed to the “haves” and “have-nots,” if somewhere. Whether or not I Vietnamese guerilla fi ghters ad- man on the street, who was ve- the top of the Brooklyn Bridge you will. In this relationship, will have to leave his post for vantage over the United States, hemently telling them why he and refused to come down until landlords subjugate tenants into one under the McMillan admin- offi cials didn’t account for its should run what most consider local media outlets broadcasted a less-than-human role, which istration is still unclear, so for high toxicity. To what degree the cultural capital of the world? his story and message. can only be resolved by a ten- now I leave you the same way McMillan came into contact Or was something more sinis- In a way, that’s what he’s ant-run governmental system to Mr. McMillan left me: with the solution is unclear, but ter going on? Did the League been doing ever since. McMil- ensure equal rights. There are “ It is too too too too damn he has stated it’s the reason he of Landlords and Union of lan has continued to run for some disputes over the origi- high! God bless you, America, wore black gloves the night of Monocle-wearers hire thugs to various political offi ces, seek- nality of this claim (apparently and this here sunshine.” the recent Hofstra debate. take care of someone who was ing governorship in 1994, then some other dude with a crazy Amen, Jimmy, amen. The transition to civilian life becoming a thorn in their side? mayor again in 2005 and 2009, beard talked about this or some- was a hard one. For years he page 6 the paper october 27, 2010 The cut-throat business of Faker Central Park bike rentals by Alex Blalock you know, if you want to steal additional cost. STAFF SYMPATHETIC our customers,” Gulkok says of The leaves are just starting CYCLIST the illegal sellers. Central Park to turn in Central Park, and An- More than a dozen bike Bicycle Shop, as well as other tonio Roderigo, a 20-year-old rental salesmen loiter near a storefront businesses, charges salesman for Central Park Bike, crowded entrance of Central more than the independent sell- is receiving commission for his Than Park. As pedestrians walk by, ers because they pay rent and bike rental sales. “You’re about the men call out, “Do you want taxes. Gulkok even provides his to make mucho dinero man,” to rent a bike? One hour $15, customers with a helmet, bas- Roderigo’s boss, Asen Kostadi- two hours $20, three hours ket, and lock. nov, says as he hands the sales- $25!” Some of the men shout “We are giving service to men three $5 bills, the amount and wave their bike rental signs, our customers. But a lot of peo- Roderigo’s earned for an entire others approach people directly. ple are doing this business on day’s work. Truth Their sales pitches can be heard the street,” says Gulkok. “The On what may prove to be throughout Columbus Circle. only competition is price.” And the last warm day in autumn, by Sean Kelly, Kaitlin Campbell, and Sarah Madges For some of these men, cinch- the competition is fi erce. Roderigo has made $5 off of STAFF LIARS ing bike rental deals is more “We work together, but ev- each person he brought into the than a job — it’s what they rely erybody do his own thing. Ev- store — less than the $7 made on to survive. erybody make his own money by the advertisers of Gulkok’s YOUR ROOM – Upon returning home from the library this In today’s tough economic in his own way,” says Saeed shop, located across the street. evening, your olfactory senses corroborated reports from your times, the bike-rental business Traore, who rents bikes illegally Dama Diallo, a man who roommate that something totally smells like shit in here. The advertises for Gulkok, search for the source of the unpleasant odor, which has been de- says he has made as scribed by your roommate and your friend from down the hall Not enough bike rental shops. little as $3 per cus- as resembling “ass”, “B.O.”, “something dead” and “old hot- tomer, explaining pockets”, began at around 6 pm tonight following a text from that he receives less your roommate reading: “Yo, how old is that thrub (it means money for a client if “three dollar sub” –ed.) in the fridge? I think it might be stink- Gulkok offers them a ing the room up.” After assuring your roommate that the thrub cheaper rental price. in question was less than 24 hours old and warning him not to With pay-offs as low eat it since you wouldn’t be leaving the library until after the deli as these, some men closed, rampant speculation began as to the origin of the stench. would rather run the After being informed that your roommate checked both closets, legal risk of perform- under both beds and even cleaned the fridge out, you shrugged ing bike rental trans- and decided that you could probably sleep in Casey’s room to- actions street-side and night if she’s still awake and her roommate isn’t being a dick without permits.Jason about it. As of press time, your roommate ate the fucking thrub Carter, a 27-year-old anyway and your room still smells awful. who used to advertise -SPK for a bike rental store, explains that by pur- chasing his own bikes FORDHAM UNIVERSITY - In an effort to “green up” the he is now entitled to Rose Hill campus, the administration has siphoned overfl ow all their profi ts. “You funds from the new Gabelli School of Business to outfi t both the got a group of three security and facilities staffs with 7 Segway PT patrollers. The people, look at two “Gabelli Squad of Security,” will replace 4 of security’s petrol- has become a high stakes enter- alongside his cousin. Traore, a hours—that’s $60. All my mon- fueled vehicles as will the “Gabelli Group of Gardeners” stand prise. With comparable prices 20-year-old native of West Af- ey,” Carter says. in for 3 of Facilities miniature “green” vans that all broke down and an abundance of bike rent- rica, has been renting bikes for By bypassing payments to this month, ostensibly after one heavy order too many of pot- ers, exploitation and illegal ac- the last four years. Traore ex- a parent company, and not pur- ted marigolds for parents weekend. In addition to being envi- tivity have become typical with- plains that where he stands is chasing proper sales permits, ronmentally proactive, the Segway PT, is, as advertised “a force in this industry. “We all have intentional, knowing his prices Carter makes a larger profi t multiplier.” At a GSB (formerly CBA) press release, Friday, Ma- the same price. Nothing gives are lower than the other sellers avoiding additional overhead. rio Gabelli spoke in favor of the new squad. “You put a guard me an edge,” says Serigio Lago, on this corner and the corporate Although, aside from receiv- out on a Segway PT and the student body feels like there’s more a 43-year-old man who began company Bike and Roll. “Tech- ing a fi ne ranging from $50 to of a security presence. It’s part psychological, it’s part fact.” advertising bike rides when his nically, they’re not allowed to $125 for illegally selling, there Gabelli went on further to point out the benefi ts of segway-ed business failed fi ve years ago. be there,” says Andy Kirtland, is another risk involved for guards “getting to hard to reach places,” where students have Lago, who tries to avoid the an employee of Bike and Roll. these businessmen— the poten- traditionally avoided security presence. As for the new Facili- bustling area by the park, adds, Kirtland, who wears the tial for customers to steal their ties operation, all Mr. Gabelli had to comment was, “They can, “I don’t own nothing anymore. I business’s bright blue shirt, ex- bikes. Illegal sellers, unlike le- you know, carry a bucket or two, tow a wagon now.” The new work for someone.” plains that Bike and Roll, locat- gitimate companies — such as segways should arrive on campus within the next week, charged Near Central Park, some of ed immediately outside of Cen- Central Park Bicycle Shop and and ready to “ride smooth, ride well.” these men sell bike rides inde- tral Park, is a national company, Bike and Roll — do not require -KC pendently, while others, like with permits that allow them a deposit, or take customers’ ID Lago, advertise for larger, store- to perform street transactions. cards while they are out on their front businesses. These shops, “I know last year a lot of the bikes. WASHINGTON, DC - In an interview with a prime minister located outside of Central Park, bikes that these guys were rent- So how do illegal sellers or someone important like that, President Barack Obama said hire men to act as salesmen, ing were actually stolen bikes,” make sure the bikes get brought something rather uninspired about a certain issue people gener- paying them a commission for Kirtland says of his competi- back? “I don’t take ID from no- ally seem to have many differing, even controversial opinions drawing clientele. tor’s product. body. If I don’t trust you, I’m about. When asked to elaborate on his noncommittal and, frank- “You can make this business Yet, regardless of the quality not giving you my bike,” Traore ly, uninformative statement, Obama simply said something else in the store, or on the streets. In of the bikes, they are worthless says. “When I see your face I that no one seemed particularly interested in remembering, or the store means legally, on the unless rented out. Traore, who can tell — you’re coming back even writing down. Representatives from multiple respectable streets means illegally,” says rents his bikes from a store on with my bike.” publications and media outlets attended the interview, yet the Albert Gulkok, a Turkish man West 56th Street says, “You can And in what looks like a only notes collected from the event include a doodle of a man and owner of Central Park Bi- do it through December,” but circus of illegal sellers, store peering over a wall and a to-do list not yet fi lled in. “I think he cycle Shop. Gulkok, who be- warns, “It’s not gonna be busy advertisers, and neon-wearing said something about overcoming the recession,” said one jour- gan renting his $6,000-a-month like the summertime when peo- Bike and Roll employees, it will nalist. “No, I think it had something to do with tensions in the store after learning on-the-street ple still want to ride bikes.” be interesting to see if Traore Middle East,” said another. “It’s all Greek to me!” concluded transactions are illegal, believes For legal and illegal sell- is given the opportunity to take yet another reporter. Whatever it was Obama spoke about that these independent sellers, who ers alike, seasonal change is such a leap of faith, and rent his other day didn’t seem to give rise to a single comment from any- have no overhead, are hindering unavoidable. This means the bike to someone, anyone, will- one—reporters or U.S. citizens alike. In a world of 24-hour news his business. majority of their business must ing to rent it. coverage, this is, well, news-breaking. “It’s very simple. You just be done before winter, at which -SM buy bicycles from Toys R Us. time the bikes are sold, re- Hold a sign ‘1 hour for $10,’ turned, or put in storage — an october 27, 2010 the paper page 7 IMMIGRATION CUSTOMS ENFORCEMENT GIVES MAN FREE TRIP TO MEXICO Mentally ill U.S. citizen accidentally deported by Sarah Madges a Mexican citizen and agreed to must be open to the public, the NEWS CO-EDITOR be voluntarily removed), he was Executive Offi ce of Immigra- On Wednesday, October ultimately deported. tion Review (EOIR) brushes 20th, the ACLU fi led a law- After Lytlle’s prison term aside any complaints, hiding the suit on behalf of Mark Lytlle, expired on October 28, 2008, he bureaucratically warped goings- a mentally ill North Carolina was transferred to ICE custody, on. Given that ex-attorneys for man who is suing the federal spending six weeks at the Stew- the ICE often enforce these government for deporting him art Detention Center in Lump- hearings, and that 85 percent of to Mexico. Without the slightest kin, Georgia. On Dec. 9, 2008, the defendants lack attorneys, comprehension of the Spanish he went before an immigration this does not bode well for de- language or even a dollar to his judge who ordered Lytlle to be tainees, whether they are illegal by Marisa Carroll, Nick Murray, Alex Orf, Sarah Madges, name, Lytlle was forced to fend removed to Mexico. Nine days immigrants or unfortunate U.S. Dan Yacovino, Alex Gibbons, and Bobby Cardos for himself for four months. later, Lytlle was put on a plane citizens like Mark Lytlle. Not STAFF JAPANOPHILES After inappropriately touching to Hidalgo, Texas, and dropped only are they underrepresented, Once again, the paper brings Iraqis scrutinize Prime Min- a female orderly at the psychi- off at the Mexican border with but defendants often don’t fully to you, our indifferent read- ister Maliki’s meeting with atric hospital where he received $5 in his prison-issued jumpsuit understand the charges against ship, all the news that can fi t Ayatollah Khamenei. treatment, Lytlle was charged pocket. No one ever notifi ed them, let alone their legal rights into thirteen syllables. Enjoy! with misdemeanor and assault his relatives of what happened for remaining in the country. In the New York Times: in 2008. That September, while to Lytlle after he left prison. Nevertheless, they are asked Shark kills boogie-boarding Iraq PM Maliki serving his 100-day sentence With his immigration status to consent to be removed from man off of Santa Barbara’s wore a necktie once. the country, and, like coast Something seemed funny about the deal Lytlle, they do. from the start... In some cases, He died of leg wounds, Ugandan paper listed gays immigration agents The teeth grinding his pale and lesbians with banner simply have immigra- bones; that read: “Hang Them.” tion judges sign their Insert “Jaws” theme here. recommendations, Uganda’s new list deporting individuals Three Times More Vet Sui- Of the “top” hundred homos-- without having a hear- cides than Military Deaths in Not about glamour. ing at all. Thanks to Iraq & Afghanistan a U.S. law that gives -SM the Department of You’d think deaths abroad Homeland Security outweighed vet suicides here, full discretion, this and you would be wrong. Loose Crocodile On Plane is completely viable. Causes Plane to Crash, Re- And thanks to the -MC sulting in the Death of 20 in a North Carolina prison, now at “prior deported alien,” enormity of reports that pass by People. Lytlle was misidentifi ed as an Lytlle was unable to re-enter the immigration judges every day, illegal immigrant. According country, and spent the next four the majority of judges will sign Prime Minister David Cam- I CAN NOT STAND THESE to a spokesman for the North months alternating between just about anything that looks eron Introduces Massive MOTHER FUCKING CROCS Carolina Department of Correc- homelessness and incarceration legitimate at fi rst glance. Obvi- Austerity Measures in U.K. ON THIS tions (DOC), Lytlle reported his in foreign jails. Lacking proper ously, the purpose of an immi- MOTHERFUCKING PLANE. birthplace as Mexico City when identifi cation, Mexican offi - gration hearing is to prevent this Thanks for the idea he checked into prison, which cials deported him to Honduras, sort of negligence by evaluating Herbert Hoover. Cuts for all! -DY brought him to the attention of where he was held in an immi- whether or not the arrest report’s You’re next, U.S.A.! the Immigration and Customs gration camp before imprisoned claims are even accurate. Look- Enforcement (ICE). Looking and ultimately shipped to Gua- ing at Lytlle’s story, though, this Juan Williams Gives N.P.R. a Billions of Gallons of H2O into Lytlle’s immigration status, temala. There he fi nally con- accuracy is often not the case. Reason to Fire Him Besides on Our Moon Spurs Speak of the ICE found that he had a So- vinced a U.S. embassy offi cial Jacqueline Stevens reports see- General Ineptitude, Gets Manned Moon Mansion. cial Security number and was a to contact his two brothers serv- ing numerous inaccuracies in Fire, Outrage Ensues US citizen. In fact, Lytlle is of ing in the U.S. military, and he statements about the legal status Water on the moon? Puerto Rican descent, and was was able to get a passport. De- of people in the ICE’s custody Been a long time joke Gonna colonize dat shit. born in Rowan County, NC on spite making arrangements to and about the supposed crimes Now become fi rst time martyr Better Beat China. August 2, 1977—and had never return to the U.S., Lytlle was ar- for which they were convicted. Love you, O’Reilly traveled outside of the United rested and detained for six more When Mark Lytlle says: “They BP and Several Other EU States before his deportation. days at the Hartsfi eld-Jackson took my freedom from me, they -NM Corps. Give $$$ to Tea Party With a history of physical International Airport before the took my dignity from me. I’m Nominees. abuse and emotional problems Department of Homeland Secu- going to do to them what they (including bipolar disorder), rity fi nally acknowledged that did to me,” he doesn’t actu- Peaceful Anti-Putin Rally, BP giving bucks Lytlle hopscotched from his Lytlle was “not a Mexican citi- ally mean he’s going to deport Led in Part by Former Chess To conservative nutbags biological parents’ home to fos- zen, and in fact, is a citizen of the ICE to Mexico and force Grand Master Garry Kasp- Nobody will care. ter care to an adopted family the United States.” them to wander around in a arov, Held in Moscow in Rowan County, and fi nally You may think his case disoriented, impecunious state. -AG to various psychiatric hospitals stands alone, but Jacqueline Ste- Rather, the lawsuit that he fi led Former chess master where he was institutionalized. vens, political science profes- in the Northern District Court of Don’t want Putin back as prez Black Carbon Emissions Lytlle’s lawyers purport that he sor at Northwestern University, Georgia requests safeguards to Dude’s like crazy smart Generated from Commercial is “mentally disabled,” and had says she’s seen many similar protect the rights of American Space Travel Will Rapidly trouble both communicating cases where a legally vulnerable citizens and persons with mental A French Woman Mistakes Accelerate Global Climate and comprehending the depor- ex-prisoner is somehow divert- disabilities subject to potential Her Naked Husband for the Change tation proceedings as a result. ed into the immigration system. deportation, naming the Depart- Devil, Kills Her Baby as She Lytlle argues: “They [the ICE] According to Jacqueline Ste- ment of Homeland Security, the and Ten Others Jump Off a Tourist travel in space didn’t believe anything I was vens’ report in the Nation, in ICE, and the private company Balcony to Get Away From will hasten the climate change. saying and I told them numer- 2008, 83 percent of the respon- that runs the Stewart Detention Him What a fucking shock. ous times I was an American dents held in the same detention Center in Lumpkin, Georgia as citizen.” Similarly, his lawyers center where Lytlle was kept responsible parties. It shouldn’t Satan’s dingus looks -BC claim he was coerced into ap- were ordered deported—com- have taken the deportation of a kinda familiar, best proving the documents. Even pared to 72 percent nationwide. mentally ill U.S. citizen to call jump out the window so, since Lytlle did sign several Even though regulations say attention to the remiss agencies documents confi rming his im- that detention center hearings behind immigration proceed- -AO pending deportation (including (where about 50 percent of all ings, but at least now perhaps an acknowledgment that he was immigration hearings are held) change will be enforced. page 8 the paper october 27, 2010 To Infi nity and Beyond (for only 100 G’s) Martin Aircraft Jetpacks Make Your Childhood Fantasy a Reality by Lauren Duca Martin Aircraft has developed a less, since running out of gas explode midair. Currently, the pack, which meets Ultralight STAFF ROCKETEER practical jet pack with plans for would be a slightly more dra- jet pack is only allowed in non- regulations, but as the Martin Growing up is replete with mass production and eventual matic issue when you’re over a urban airspaces, so, as of now, Aircraft says, “to attempt to disillusionment. You spend release to the public. mile above the ground. it will not be able to used for fl y any aircraft without profes- your whole young life think- “Wouldn’t your feet get At a cost of about $100,000 fl ights to and from work when sional instruction is extremely ing that you’re going to get to burned off?” asks it is fi nally released. foolhardy.” Thanks for the ad- be an astronaut when you grow Christopher “Googs” A video of the jet vice, guys. up, that sex is going to be good Gramuglia, anxiously pack in use is noth- Hopefully in the future, this the fi rst time, and that the future worried about his new ing like what you’re incredibly innovative new tech- will come complete with fl y- patent leather shoes. overactive child- nology will be expanded, so that ing cars. None of those things It’s a real concern. hood imagination everyone may enjoy the thrill of ended up being true. Most sci- Fortunately, no fi re promised. “That’s so fl oating high above the ground. fi movies that portray the future shoots out the bottom dumb,” Gramuglia The date of jet pack release is as include buildings made entirely of the jet pack; in fact, said, when observing yet undetermined; Martin Air- of glass, with people inside it would be more ac- the jet pack in fl ight. craft had planned on delivering wearing especially bland grey curately named an It does look kind of ten jet packs to customers early tunics and looking out at the “engine” pack, as it dumb, especially this year, but there is no report hovercrafts zooming by outside. is not actually jet- or when compared with on when mass production will We still wear colors, sometimes rocket-powered, but the jet pack of your begin. For now, your best bet too many at once, and the clos- obviously, that doesn’t overactive childhood at being as fabulous as James est we’ve gotten to a hover craft sound nearly as awe- imagination. James Bond is wearing a tuxedo. Yet, is still an airplane, but it seems some. The Martin Air- Bond would have unlike the Rolex Submariner with the production of a com- craft jetpack is similar probably decided to Bond used to undress that su- mercialized jet pack, we’ll get to a small helicopter. Save airplanes for the “economy catch a cab home in- per hot Italian spy in Live and one tiny part of our childhood It has a purpose-built class” suckers--I’ll take a jet pack. stead of strapping on Let Die, jet packs exist, and will dreams of the future. Techni- V4, 2.0 liter engine, his jet pack after off- soon be making people more cally, there have been jetpacks driving two ducted fans, which dollars, the Martin jet pack will ing Colonel Bouvar in Thunder- awesome in a sky above you. So available to the public, but produce enough thrust to pro- be available to the average (ri- ball. The Martin Aircraft edition it doesn’t look like you’re going they’ve been available in the pel the aircraft, which weighs diculously wealthy) consumer. stands about 5 feet tall, 5.5. feet to end up getting a job as an same way laser beams are avail- about 250 pounds, and a pilot, But, even if you don’t have 100 wide, and 5 feet in length. How- astronaut, you still don’t even able, in the sense that they’re ex- weighing up to 600 pounds. The grand to drop on a relatively ever, they’re still easier to park want to talk about that time you tremely expensive, and there’s current model can take you up impractical but awesome thing than the average luxury vehicle. lost your virginity, and there are a better chance than not that to 31.5 miles or up to 8000 feet, like a jet pack, they may even And anyone who can afford the no fl ying cars, but least we can use will end in the user’s tragi- traveling at the 63 mph maxi- be made available for rental, as- jet pack can fl y one. No license fl y now, and not just in an air- cally dramatic demise. But now, mum speed, but maybe a little suming the fi rst few users don’t will be required to fl y the jet plane…kind of. search for cigar guy leads to...this guy by Angela Pokorny the spectator circle somewhere announced its desire to have Ci- to Abraham Lincoln in 1862, on port for the European team and STAFF INCOGNITO between the 17th and 18th hole gar Guy as their spokesperson. the cover of The Beatles’ Sgt. I thought of Miguel,” said Sh- Rupesh Shingadia was once green. The ball swayed directly “I can just tell he is the cheap- Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club ingadia. “These days, sports- a very simple man. While living towards the Nikon 3DS camera est man on the planet. Did you Band album as Paul McCartney, men have become devoid of in a small fl at with his house- of The Daily Mail photogra- see his pants? Those are mighty catching Hank Aaron’s 715th character. But Miguel does his wife mum and retired mechanic pher, Mark Pain, who instinc- cheap pants!” mentioned a “Be- home run ball, as Larry Bird, own thing and I love the way dad in South London, the single tually snapped a photo before Frugal” employee. Blogger as an observer of an airborne he walks around the course with 30-year-old math scholar would it knocked him to the ground. Brian wrote: “We are offering a Michael Jordan, and fi nally— a cigar clamped between his awaken each morning and smile The image that emerged in the $1,000 Reward for Cigar Guy’s Cigar Guy as the face of every- teeth… I wasn’t running around at his posters that paid homage next day’s one in the Mark desperately trying to get on TV, to Arsenal Soccer and the fl am- Daily Mail was Pain photo that far from it. My friends were boyant Spanish golfer, Miguel incredible: a started it all. keen to get me together with Angel Jimenez. He would sea of middle- Cigar Guy was Miguel. I was quite close to him then throw on his inexpensive aged males everywhere. at the 13th. I like to think there gray suit, brush his black mane focusing their UK jour- was a fl icker of a smile when of hair, and commute into the awe at Woods’ nalists Ian he looked in my direction. His city’s heart to work another Nike One golf Gallagher and caddie was certainly laughing.” humdrum day at Threadneedle ball—which Andy Whelan To the journalists’ surprise, Asset Management as an invest- is in motion from The Daily the once-mum man would not ment analyst. But a few days in the fore- Mail decided shut up and even went off on a before the 38th Ryder Cup held ground’s cen- they had had small tangent: “I don’t normally at the Celtic Manor Resort of ter. Tiger’s enough of Ci- smoke—well, maybe the odd Newport, Shingadia made an after-swing We are all Cigar Guy. gar Guy and cigar at weddings—so I asked impromptu detour on his way stance and fi nished the for something mild. To last all to work and purchased a giant pissed-off ex- job their pub- day, though, it had to be a big Montecristo cigar for £14 from pression would have been the identity. [He would be the per- lication had started. Tracked one.” his local tobacconist. star of the picture, but the mys- fect] BeFrugal.com spokesper- down two quiet Sundays ago, It turns out Shingadia is a Every two years the Ryder terious man to his far left stole son, but we need to be the fi rst a few hours before his routine nice guy who doesn’t care for Cup Matches unite golf enthu- his thunder. Wearing a ginger website to identify him.” This commute to work, Cigar Guy the spotlight. “I got up, looked siasts from around the world for wig, gray Reiss polyester pants, sudden interest in the fake gin- opened the door to Gallagher at it online, thought it was a bit a four-day Team USA vs. Team a North Face anorak, and a black ger had an agglomeration of and Whelan. For the fi rst time, funny – and then went back to Europe title-match. Though no Groucho Marx-esque mous- sleuth journalists scrambling to he broke his silence about his bed…If I had known [the way] prizes are awarded, as at other tache, the man stared at the golf fi nd the man beneath the wig. fi fteen minutes of fame. What Cigar Guy has snowballed, I “gentleman’s games,” it is taken master’s uncharacteristic swing Cigar Guy became an in- was the man’s name? Rupesh would probably never have very seriously. However, Sh- in cartoon bug-eyed wonder- ternet sensation. Using Photo- Shingadia. put on my costume. That said, ingadia, with the help of Tiger ment, a giant Montescristo cigar shop’s capabilities, computer “I am embarrassed and I’m glad it has put a smile on Woods, unknowingly compro- between his choppers. geeks stamped the bug-eyed overwhelmed,” he told the two people’s faces.” He plans on mised the seriousness of the Thus began a search for the man’s face on dozens of historic reporters. “Never in a million continuing with his normal life; recent match in Wales, engen- true identity of “Cigar Guy.” photos. A few of these images years could I have expected however, after being proposed dering what is already being It all started with a blog post include: Cigar Guy as Muham- anything like this.” He admit- to by a number of women via considered one of the greatest on BeFrugal.com. With thou- mad Ali knocking out Sonny ted his costume was a tribute Facebook, he is a bit worried for sports photos ever taken. sands of printable and online Liston, Cigar Guy smoking with to his favorite 2010 Ryder Cup his love life: “I’d want them to On the second day of the Cup coupons guaranteed to be your a young Fidel Castro, Cigar Guy Team Europe, golfer Miguel love me for who I am – not just earlier this month, Tiger Woods “#1 resource for stretching your behind Dr. MLK, Jr. during his Angel Jimenez. “I wanted to Cigar Guy.” made an erroneous chip shot into hard earned dollars,” the blog “I Have a Dream” speech, next do something to show my sup- october 27, 2010 the paper page 9 editorials the paper’s view The Day the Franzia Stopped by Lauren Duca in his hands. “I’m going to run ested in the Silk Road in the october 27, 2010 STAFF WINO in for the rest.” “The rest?” we fi rst place. In fact, you probably n 8th grade, I had a science all wondered aloud. Oh, the not only don’t mind but would Iteacher, who would answer rest. After a few more trips in rather pay a few extra bucks any complaint with the question, and out, we were all standing for a better glass. However, if “Another Plea for Transparency” “Would you like some cheese on the street, drinking a glass a glass of 2008 Yellowtail and with that whine?” This was an- of the most free wine we have one of 1787 Chateau Lafi te taste s you may have read in last to attain is also the informa- noying not only because it was ever tasted. Sitting down, 2 ca- basically the same, chances Aweek’s issue of The Ram, tion that’s most important. cornier than a pun you’d fi nd in a rafes were placed on our table. are you’d rather not pay more Fr. McShane recently met with And Fordham’s withholding college newspaper, but because We watched in awe, as it was than 4 or 5 dollars for either The Ram and The Observer or skewing of information she would say it nearly 5 times continually refi lled, without our of the two. How about 9 dol- for the fi rst biannual meeting indicates a lack of concern each class. At the time, I liked even asking for more. When we lars, though? That’s what the with Fordham’s media outlets and respect for its students. cheese better than wine. Years paid, there was no mention of new Starbucks locations will be to talk about strategic planning There have been unsettling later, as a sophomore in college, wine on the check. This was un- charging. Starbucks? I though and how he wants Fordham examples of this in recent his- I still love cheese, but I’ve also real. It was as though Jesus were they just sold coffee? They did, to become “more powerful.” tory. A February 2007 issue developed a profound apprecia- working in the back, casting his but now they’re considering You may also note that the pa- of the paper (available here: tion for coffee and wine. I still little spells on every bottle. Or expanding to include beer and per was not mentioned as one http://www.yudu.com/item/ associate Chianti with Silence rather, working in the Franzia wine. The people who brought of those media outlets. Don’t details/129469/the-paper--Vol- of the Lambs, when Hannibal factory, where each classy bag you overpriced caffeine are now worry, we’re sure the invita- ume-XXXVI--issue-i) gives says he ate someone’s liver with o’ wine was fi lled and classily going to bring you overpriced tion totally got lost in the mail. an extensive account of sev- “some fava beams and a nice packed into each classy box. alcohol. Short of selling ciga- And really, we weren’t that eral students at Rose Hill be- Chianti.” As a general rule, I Silk Road Palace was a holy rettes, they’ve covered all of interested in listening to our ing threatened with violence try to stray away from anything land for the poor and under- our acceptable addictions. What president go on about expand- because of their homosexuality that goes notably well with hu- age. And now that it has closed, would you pay for a coffee at a ing Fordham’s property with a or for condoning homosexuali- man organs. That fun fact men- it will be alive forever in our deli or a diner—a dollar or 2, Daniel Plainview-esque eager- ty, and the runaround they were tioned by America’s favorite hearts and livers. Both of which, $2.50 max. But once you walk ness, but it would have been given by university administra- literal maneater is the extent of according to Hannibal Lechter, into Starbucks, it’s expected nice of him to at least humor tors. Yet the single incident of my wine expertise. Other than “go well with Chianti.” that you’ll be whipping out a 5 us with an invitation. Maybe a hate crime reported in the that, the only difference I could “There’s still China wine,” and getting a few nickels back we could have gotten to talking security brochure occurred in site with any kind of conviction people might say. Those people as change. They’ve made cof- afterwards about some of the 2008—and at Lincoln Center. is the difference between white have clearly not been to “the fee into a novelty item—what if stuff going on around here that At the paper, we often expe- and red. You could pour me a other one.” You can fi nd The they do the same with wine and really concerns us. rience this runaround when thousand dollar bottle of wine Cottage down the road, at 77th beer? With Starbucks at work We were taking a look back trying to report on sensitive and swap it out for the cheapest and Amsterdam, but it’s really on their wine and beer test run at last year’s Safety and Secu- events, and are often given a thing at North End mid-meal, not the same as Silk Road Pal- in Seattle, in renovations that rity Brochure and the incidence runaround of non-substantive and I doubt I’d even notice. And ace, just as an actual cottage cost $25,000 and reconstruc- of crime at Fordham since answers or statements made off since a friend of mine drank an is not the same a palace. It’s tions that cost $400,000, the 2006, and noticed that there’s the record. entire bottle of “wine product” been referred to as Silk Road possibility of a 9 dollar glass a surprisingly low number of We understand that bureau- last weekend and did not realize Palace’s twin, and it is its twin, becoming “normal” isn’t nearly forcible and non-forcible sexu- cracy is a given when running a he wasn’t drinking actual wine in the sense that if you had an as ridiculous as it should be. al offences at Fordham: Three. university, but withholding this until reading the label, I’m go- overweight, balding identical All of this brings about the That’s not just from one year, type of knowledge from the ing to jump to the generaliza- sibling with autism and one eye, question, when does a coffee or one campus. According to student body is more than just tion that college students are not it would be your twin. There’s shop that sells beer and wine, the security brochure that goes a byproduct of red tape. It re- wine connoisseurs. a noticeable difference be- simply becomes a bar that sells to prospective students and in- fl ects an active effort from the So as the tasteless barbar- tween the two. The less social coffee? Well, these new Star- coming freshman, there have university to conceal informa- ians that we truly are, really any atmosphere, even lower qual- bucks pseudo-bars will not actu- been three cases of forcible tion that is crucial to the safety wine is good. Therefore, by the ity Americanized Chinese food, ally be Starbucks, and they will and non-forcible sexual assault of its students in order to pres- property of debauchery, free and semi, verses un, limited have a “decidedly un-Starbucks total at all three campuses from ent a guise of safety. We’re not and unlimited wine is a beauti- wine, make The Cottage a far look,” as Time referred to it. The 2006-2008. Similarly, there saying Fordham isn’t gnerally ful thing. Actually, as poor yet less satisfying substitute. In the two local cafes that have been has only been one incidence of safe, but it’s certainly not as gluttonous college students, case anyone tells you they don’t revamped to sample the success a hate crime on campus in that safe from sexual assault or hate the idea of endless anything is mind the wine being limited, of the new décor, were given lo- time period. crimes as security’s numbers good. Look around at the peo- know that they can’t possibly be cal names, and subtly attributed Now, we know that inci- show. Further, downplaying ple going up for their 4th entrée a college student, and are prob- to the coffee giant with the line dents of sexual assault often such problems makes our uni- at the caf. Do you think any- ably a spy or terrorist. The point “inspired by Starbucks” etched go unreported and thus are versity less safe, making such one would even get seconds if is: if Silk Road Palace was Ju- on their doors. underrepresented at universi- incidents more isolating and we had to pay for each meal? I lia Roberts, than The Cottage is But some people like the new ties, a problem in itself (see the emotional burden of report- mean, maybe, but personally I Lisa Roberts. Yeah, I’ve never décor. “It’s not just the wine, it’s Features). But any Fordham ing them that much greater. like to save my money for the heard of her either. the unwind,” says a local music student who’s been at a Ford- Fordham’s responsibility things in life that really mat- Now, if you’re a wine con- professor, who was obviously ham bar on a weekend—or a fi rst and foremost ought to be ter: yoga pants and alcohol. noisseur, you are probably dis- too drunk to realize he was not Tuesday, or Thursday—knows to the well being of its students, All of this irrefutable empirical gusted by cheap wine, namely Dr. Seuss. As pleasant as “the that to say there’s only been not giving good impressions evidence can lead to only one Franzia, and were never inter- unwind” sounds, especially three cases of sexual assault to high school seniors fi lling conclusion: the only thing bet- mid midterms, nothing at Fordham in three years is out college applications each ter than unlimited wine is free is enjoyable when you either grossly negligent or a fall. This means being as open unlimited wine. know it’s costing you blatant lie. Whether it refl ects a as possible in all instances, Free unlimited wine was the nearly double what it’s fabrication in numbers to bol- whether it be our security liter- essence of Silk Road Palace. I worth. So, since Silk ster Fordham’s appearance to ature, our budget, or anything remember the fi rst time I heard Road Palace is closed prospective students and U.S. else that pertains to the student of “China wine.” It was excit- and the “the wine un- News and World Report or a body and the education they ing, based on the mere fact that wind” can’t happen for problem with the process of re- pay for. If there is any conse- they didn’t card. We got to the free, we’ll have to settle porting such incidents, some- quence to being open about door, between Amsterdam and for The Cottage, or per- where along the line Fordham what happens on our campus, 82nd, and people were crammed haps go out and buy our has failed the student body, es- it is a more realistic view and into the entrance. We sent in a own boxes of Franzia. pecially those who have been wider awareness of the prob- scout to put our names down. They’re about 17 bucks victims of sexual assault or lems our university needs to I was hungry and we were go- each, and I hear they hate crimes. work on, which in turn can lead ing to have to wait. I was about stay good in the fridge As the WikiLeaks article to a safer, stronger, “more pow- to start complaining, but I got for 6 months. on page 3 points out, often- erful” university. some wine instead. Out walked times the information that’s our friend, 2 glasses of wine concealed and most diffi cult page 10 the paper october 27, 2010 To Poke Or Not to Poke? On the Unwritten Ethics of Facebook by Chris Gramuglia sent the request, forgetting about successfully removed my pre- and have had to suffer through could take on a whole mess of STAFF NEW MEDIA-TOR it almost as quickly as I had sumptuous cyber-advance and, enough of your boring, irrel- Freudian interpretations in the Last Friday I was drinking done it. The only problem was upon seeing it gone, felt a small evant babbling in class. “That’s dialect of social-networking. Guinness in my apartment, my that this wasn’t some stranger twinge of regret. It was odd, but really insightful.” they always Facebook is a responsibil- laptop open in front of me. The who had snapped a blurry pic- a little familiar to me from my nod. Still, their wall doesn’t ity—sort of like a drivers li- frothy head of my Irish draught ture of herself in her bathroom years of tripping over my own need to be saturated in any more cense—which is why I’m fur- almost sighed as it expanded af- mirror using her Iphone. Nope, untied shoelaces while waging of your comments. Secondly, ther suggesting we shouldn’t ter being hastily poured into a this particular web wonder had recess romances. guys, don’t add ten girls in a ‘drink and friend.’ I had been glass that simply didn’t do it the been a professor of mine. I realized then that there’s row. It makes it painfully ob- somewhat lucky to have been justice it deserved. After all, ev- I (barely) woke up the next an unwritten rulebook of eth- vious that you’re looking for a only mildly shit-faced and also eryone knows there‘s a quickie without ever having prompted by a dig on my mas- certain careful way to to leave your room. Aside culinity during my own mishap, pour and drink a Guin- from it being lazy, it epito- but for others who take it to the ness—one that just says, mizes the creeper phenom- next level, anything could hap- yeah, I’m a gentleman. enon of “Facebook stalking.” pen. You might send a request to This naturally becomes Also, avoid ‘friending’ peo- that girl you signed in one night meaningless after ple you’ve never spoken to long ago, giving her the com- crushing ten of them, with a supplementary mes- plete wrong idea, or you might but nonetheless there I sage explaining that “you’ve send a lewd, poorly written mes- sat, sipping my favorite Don’t be a creeper. seen them around” and “re- sage to a guy in your economics brew while perusing ally want to hang out.” Do class, who’s like, “cotally tute.” my Facebook page. yourself a favor and make Who knows, you might even ac- I’m usually tentative, almost morning and immediately ics regarding Facebook, a moral an E-harmony account. At least cidentally friend the professor! stingy when sending out friend searched Google for a conve- modus operandi that we all un- then you can bust that cyber- Surely these aren’t the only requests. I don’t merely dish nient way to revoke the request consciously abide by in a des- nut without hiding in the bush- precautions we can take against them out at will like, I don’t before class on Monday—a perate attempt to avoid adopt- es outside of Keating dressed becoming the proverbial guy (or know, Charlie Sheen at a strip frantic attempt to avoid poten- ing that oh-so stinging title of in camo-gear. I’m sure that girl) in his mother’s basement. club. I’m picky and usually tially the most awkward hour “creeper.” Too often does that through your binoculars his ass With Facebook and that miser- overly-concerned with how my and fi fteen minutes of my life. snotty, overly-made up girl in does look great in those spandex ably arrogant Twitter thing, it request for e-friendship will be Scrambling, I came across a site the caf whine, “I can‘t believe shorts while he sprints around becomes too easy to wind up interpreted by the person receiv- (most likely run by a guy living he ‘friended’ me! I, like, barely Eddie’s, but spending hours up as the “creeper” by possibly ing it. Though after countless in his mom’s basement with too know him”, or has the steroid- late searching for his profi le extrapolating our inner-most pints of Guinness it was pretty much time on his hands) that addicted bro walking out of and then sending a suggestive thoughts and unconsciously ad- fair to say I no longer gave a gave a detailed description of Munchiez been all, “Yeah man, message is simply bad form. vertising them in cyberspace; shit. “You won’t do it, pussy,” how to erase requests before this chick added me. She totally Excessive picture comments that is, if we don’t exercise dis- my roommate taunted, glanc- they’re seen. Like a stealthy net wants it.” Whether we admit it are a no-no as well, unless, of cretion. When booting up the ing at the screen that depicted ninja, I followed the guy’s in- or not, there are things we can course, you’re in the album. If ’book, we should ask ourselves a woman whom I fi gured had at structions, thinking he’d be great do on our favorite social-net- you aren’t, it becomes clear that if it makes sense to always use least eight years on me. in a remake of Revenge of the working site, but there are also you’ve been rifl ing through this all of the privileges Mark Zuck- “Oh yeah?” I mumbled, the Nerds or Silence of the Lambs. things we shouldn’t do. person’s photos, most likely erberg gave us in February of little arrow dancing provoca- “It deletes the request from the The fi rst seems obvious: thinking things drastically dif- 2004. Tempting as “poking” and tively over the SEND FRIEND screen!” I could hear him com- don’t friend professors unless ferent from those of what you then messaging someone might REQUEST button. “Watch manding while he slipped on a they friend you fi rst. Chances actually wrote. Let’s be honest: be, sometimes it’s better to just this.” Two brave clicks later I skin-dress and some perfume. I are they’re way smarter than you “You look really good here!” log off. Scabies Babies by Thomas Sliwowski higher concepts because your lute disgust and heart-wrench- individuals of this variety feel onlookers. The third variety of STAFF TIRED... brain’s fucking fried, dude. Sec- ing pity for the little creature, tired and want to go to sleep, people infested with scabies ba- SO, SO TIRED ond even though you can’t seem which would quickly be fol- but they can’t because they bies are called methhead lights, Midterms are over, and if to pay attention in class, you lowed by hatred as the scream- know that even a short nap will because they power through the you’re half the procrastinator do really fucking well on tests/ ing mongrel tore your eyes out. knock them out and they’ll miss day by popping even more of and bullshitter that I am you’ve quizzes/ exams because you just Why am I telling you all of the Adderal/ Ritalin/ Concerta probably spent at least one night spent twitchy hours in a twitchy, this? Because I am interested they’re prescribed and just end working into the early hours jaw-clenching, Adderal-pow- in describing that strange state up feeling grungy as fuck at of the morning. If you’ve had ered study sesh. This is why of mind that one feels the day around six or seven PM. I hate the privilege of pulling an all- we pull all-nighters: to achieve after an all-nighter, and this this variety because I have nei- nighter, you’re probably very the totally undeserved grades mindset can best be described ther the money nor the Adderal familiar with the feeling of we get on exams the following as having babies with scabies to join their ranks and have a disappointed satisfaction that day, allowing us those brief mo- clawing at the inside of your quasi-bearable next day. comes with seeing the sun peek ments of “Fuck yes, this was so skull. Regardless of which of my up outside your dorm room as worth it! Now I’m not on aca- An infestation of Scaber completely contrived and ar- you’re desperately trying to fab- demic probation anymore”— a infantia (yea, that’s my shitty bitrary categories you fall in, ricate sources for your essay’s sublime state of nirvana. Latin nomenclature; I’m re- you’re defi nitely familiar with works cited page. I personally But none of these aforemen- ally fucking tired and a bit the cloudy-headed bliss that enjoy smoking a cigarette right tioned occurrences are the focus hungover so IDGAF) can comes after a hard night spent as I accept the fact that I won’t of this article. As you might have produce different effects in writing an essay or term paper, be getting any sleep that night been able to tell from the weird different people. A certain or studying for a class you bare- and that the next day is going and somewhat disgusting title type of person will become a ly attend. Hopefully, you can to be a delirious shit show. That (copyright Sean Patrick Kelly), total dick, having been fi lled appreciate my nearly-delirious cigarette— that morsel of nico- this article is about babies with with malicious scabies-baby ramblings as I’m struggling to tine and pleasure— serves as a scabies. In case you haven’t had energy that has turned him or fi nish this article so I can go smoldering metaphor for what the pleasure of Google image her into a sarcastic jerk. The have the cigarette I promised my brain will be going through searching “scabies” yet, please douchebag subgroup of the myself (ed note: Since I revised during the next day. do so now. If you already have, dick variety of scabies victims this incoherent blather, I be- The day after an all-nighter then you know it’s an absolute- is openly sarcastic, perhaps lieve I deserve a cigarette too. is always an interesting experi- ly repulsive-looking skin rash even garnering a few laughs. Thanks.). Just always remem- ence for a variety of reasons. caused by parasites and mostly The asshole subsgroup, mean- ber: even if you feel like shit First, you fi nd that any social found among the peasant class- while, talks shit about people Scabies babies tautology! the next day, you’ll feel a whole interaction is awkward at best es and those who don’t bathe. If they don’t even know just for their next class. As a result, lot more accomplished if you and creepily sloppy at worst; you were to see a baby with sca- the sake of it. Then there’s the they get cranky and make witty do pull an all-nighter instead of you can’t really hold up a mean- bies, you would most likely feel second main variety of scaber comments for the amusement of sleeping and wasting your par- ingful conversation about any a simultaneous sense of abso- victim: the gentle clown. The both fellow tired folk and mere ent’s money. october 27, 2010 the paper page 11 “The rent is too damn high!!” And other musings from jimmy mcmillan by Timothy Bridge and abducted. A Daily News ar- that a television camera crew and lack of judgment make it lan states: the rent is too damn STAFF TOO DAMN HIGH ticle posted on McMillan’s web- broadcast his message.” That is abundantly clear. high. On education: the rent is New Yorkers don’t have site reads, “A little known pri- just the sort of tenacity that New The Democratic candidate too damn high. On the rent: it is many good choices for gover- mary candidate for mayor was Yorkers need right now. Any- and frontrunner, Andrew Cuo- too damn high. McMillan has nor in the upcoming election. found tied to a tree doused with one who is willing to scale the mo, has his own troubles. He is a clear goal and knows how to The major parties have once gasoline in Brooklyn.” Yes, for- Brooklyn Bridge with a huge a card-carrying member of the accomplish it. He also has more again let us down, and so it is tunately, McMillan’s assailants fucking knife and ward off the political establishment in New class than any of the other can- time to turn to a third party: The fl ed before they set him ablaze. NYPD for two hours, by God, is York. In one truly lucid com- didates. At the same debate, Rent Is Too Damn High party. Despite his hardships, however, ready to be Governor! ment, Jimmy McMillan said McMillan said, “As a karate ex- The best choice for the offi ce of McMillan has not given up his Save McMillan, the choices of Cuomo, “New York State is pert, I will not talk about anyone Governor in the great state of crusade. Most candidates would New Yorkers have for Governor under a cloud of corruption that up here.” New York is clearly Jimmy Mc- have stopped after being doused are pretty terrible. Carl Pala- was formed back during the Some may say McMillan Millan of the Rent is Too Damn in gasoline, but not Jimmy Mc- dino is a legit asshole, and An- administration of senior Mario focuses too much on New York High party. What makes him Millan. He fought on and he drew Cuomo may or may not Cuomo. He has passed his bad City and not enough on the rest the best choice, you ask? Allow habits onto his son.” Indeed, of the state, but McMillan has a me to elaborate. And I will strike down upon thee with Cuomo has accepted political concrete plan for upstate New For those of you who are great vengeance and furious anger donations from special interests York. If elected, McMillan will unfamiliar with McMillan, he is those who keep the rent too damn groups, and although he claims bulldoze the mountains in New a retired post-offi ce employee, high. to be anti-corruption, it is un- York and develop the newly Vietnam veteran, three-time clear if he will come through on fl attened land. New York will Bronze Star winner and Karate his promises. During a Debate have oil reserves, farms, and no master. Owner of a glorious amongst the candidates, Cuomo damage to the environment will snow-white goatee and match- dodged questions about corrup- be done. He can accomplish that ing muttonchops, he looks like tion and, though he is leading simply because he is the man. an older version of Samuel L. in the polls, serious questions To learn more about Jimmy Jackson’s character Jules from remain. McMillan, visit Rentistoodamn- Pulp Fiction. In fact, it wouldn’t Because Cuomo and Pala- high.org. (I am not joking, go to be surprising if Jules were based dino are both poor choices, the this website, and I promise you off of Jimmy McMillan; they only real option is Jimmy Mc- will not be let down.) McMil- might as well be the same per- continues to fi ght. be a crook. In public, the Re- Millan. He has clear plan for the lan’s views come down to one son. Through political activism publican Paladino said, “I don’t future and sticks to his beliefs: thing, “Some say I’m a one is- All of New York’s prob- he has furthered his cause. His want children brainwashed into when asked what he thought sue candidate, but it all boils lems revolve around the rent be- valiant fi ght was again chron- thinking homosexuality is an about gay marriage, McMil- down to one thing: rent is too ing too damn high. McMillan icled in the Daily News in an- equal, valid and successful op- lan emphatically stated, “If you damn high.” New Yorkers, this knows that the rent is too damn other article posted on McMil- tion; it isn’t,” and that, “There is want to marry a shoe, I’ll marry November 2 you really only high, and if elected he is going lan’s website: “A man scaled a nothing to be proud of in being you,” which… well, it’s bet- have one choice for governor, to do something about it. Mc- cable on the Brooklyn Bridge a dysfunctional homosexual.” I ter than Paladino’s remark. His Jimmy “the rent is to damn Millan’s struggle for lower rent early yesterday…James McMil- don’t need to spend any more views on the economy are also high” McMillan. has not been an easy one. When lan kept police at bay for over time talking about how Pala- superior: namely, things would McMillan ran for mayor of New two hours with a Rambo style dino would be a terrible Gov- be better if the rent weren’t so York in 1993, he was assaulted combat knife as he demanded ernor. His blatant homophobia damn high. On taxes, McMil- “I is Probably A Huge Mistake” Encountering a “Novelist” on the Subway by Emily Genetta But this past Tuesday night I face was inscrutable. and he created me again, a fi nal I wouldn’t be such a tool, but here EXCECUTIVE CO-EDITOR had a a different sort of encounter Scandalized, I furtively be- time. Creation, even in science, I am publishing an edit about it. “I don’t take the subway,” a with a “subway person.” I was gan jotting down sentences from is what the Bible says it is: some- In my defense, this man remains gentleman recently told me at a sitting on the F train on the Lower his novel in the margins of my thing out of nothing.” anonymous, and I am publicly party. My fi rst thought was that East Side sometime around 9:30 class readings. I was shocked, I felt my stomach tense up identifying myself as a jerk. Also, he must be loaded, but he was a P.M., minding my own beeswax enthralled; I had to preserve the after reading that, and I couldn’t this isn’t really about him, or his fairly grungy looking dude, and as they say (‘they’ being teenagers evidence. I won’t deny you the decide if it was because this man terrible writing. Eh…. okay, it this was a fairly grungy party. from 1992), when a completely pleasure any longer-- behold: had so thoroughly abused science sort of is. But it’s also about my “...taxis?” I asked skeptically. unremarkable man sat down next “As he dissolved into the en- or because I was maybe mocking own uncertainties, not just of be- “Nah, nah, nah,” he re- to me and opened his laptop. The tropy from which his mother’s a guy whose dad had died. Was ing a jerk, but of being that man. plied. “I have my own car.” train was crowded and so he was womb created him, I coalesced.” it possible this was a memoir? How do I know I’m not writing “You drive?!” pressed up against me; I couldn’t You see what I mean? This There was no doubt it was a man- like that right now? “Damn straight I drive. I can’t help but read what was displayed writing wasn’t just bad, it was uscript: his contact information Well, I’m not totally butcher- deal with those subway people.” on his screen. And I was imme- bad writing that thought it was was at the bottom of every page ing scientifi c concepts or throw- “I’m a subway people!” I pro- diately horrifi ed. Amused and en- good— misusing big words like (no, I did not write that down). ing out big words just for fun. tested. “Most New Yorkers are!” tertained as well, sure, but mostly ‘entropy’ is the sine qua non of Everyone thinks he can publish The point still stands, though: “Nah, you know what I mean- horrifi ed: this guy was working that particular sort of awful. But, a memoir these days, so it’s pos- in a time and place (namely, the - subway people.” I thought for a on his novel. oh, it gets worse: sible, and if that’s the case, well, age of blogs and DeviantArt in second and realized I did indeed I recognize that this is not a “He was my father til the end, I’m a bigger asshole than we both the city of New York) when ev- know what he meant-- the people direct violation of my personal thought. But eryone thinks she’s some kind of one would not otherwise spend space. I recognize I might even holy crap: artist, most people are bound to thirty minutes in an enclosed be the obnoxious one for do- “But if in- be really terrible and embarrass space with if not for the subway. ing what I’m about to do next, formation is the themselves, and few will realize However, I generally like these but ohmygod you don’t even un- reduction of un- it. How do I guarantee I never people. That is, I fi nd them inter- derstand-- it was SO bad. The certainty, where become that person? How do I esting in an anthropological sort title? I is Not a Mistake. I tried is it located? promise myself I will not publish of way, and occasionally even en- to keep reading my printout on The answer is drivel that is even worse than the tertaining. Sometimes, though, I labor markets for class, but I sim- temporal…” kind of dreck I think I’m putting am with party dude: I can’t stand ply could not focus; my eyes kept I...can’t... out? them. This is usually because darting back to this man’s laptop, not… acknowl- “[…]the tool, the ruler that they’re emitting some ungodly and then to his face. I was try- edge how ach- must be used to measure such un- odor or yelling really loudly or ing to fi nd some clue as to what ingly awful that certain change, is a wish.” not stopping their children from would prompt an average, thirty- is! Perhaps if Wow. That was inane in its yelling really loudly or doing something businessman to not I had mocked original context, but here? Sub- fl ips down the aisle with their feet only write such words, but to feel him silently, to way writer guy, you might actu- passing two inches fro my face. confi dent enough in them that he myself, or even ally be onto something. In short, it’s because they’re in- would put them in manuscript at a party when vading my personal space in one form and then blatantly display I told this anec- way or another. said manuscript in public. But his dote for laughs, page 12 the paper october 27, 2010 Whisky, You're the Devil A Brief Introduction to Appreciating One of History's Finest Vices by Sean Bandfi eld clear and highly potent spirit. should be designed to concen- the whisky, the richer and more centrated, and gently inhale STAFF OTHER SEAN Originally, whiskey was trate the vapors towards the rim, complex the fl avor. Such an as- through your nostrils, leaving and Sean Kelly “enjoyed” un-aged. If you have where the drinker can strategi- sumption is completely reason- your mouth open slightly to al- EXECUTIVE CO-EDITOR ever had the pleasure of stum- cally place his or her nose in or- able – and completely mistaken. low for the aromas to circulate For many, the term “whis- bling upon a jar of Shine On der to savor each subtle scent in Although we’ve been raised to through your sinuses. No need ky” conjures up a veritable Georgia Moon whiskey (note all its splendor. Though some- think that a darker color signi- to snort viciously or bombard storm of wild images and rowdy the spelling; while “whisky” times attractive, ornate carv- fi es a more intense drink, there your membranes with burning misconceptions. It seems as if without an “e” can be used to ings on the outside of the glass is actually no way to assess the alcohol fumes – several calm, the prevailing opinion of one refer to the spirit in general, are not necessary and should be strength of whisky based off of extended sniffs will work per- of history’s oldest and most the term is usually reserved fectly. See if the nose of the reliable intoxicants is either an only for Scotch when discuss- Essential Terminology whisky changes after a few instant blackout in a bottle, the ing particulars), you’ll know sniffs – maybe the aromas of shit old guys drink, or that stuff that a young liquor is clear and, In order to get past the label and inside the bottle without smoke and peat will develop containing that ingredient that frankly, pretty rough on the pal- being completely clueless, you’ll need to learn the lingo into coffee, vanilla, wood, fresh fi nally enables you to wrestle ette. The color and fl avor of a fruit, chocolate, toffee, or, I your stepdad to the ground. But whiskey comes from the aging Malt: Whisky made solely from malted (germinated) barley. don’t know, dog or horse or alas, whiskey has a history and process, where the beverage something. Don’t try to pick out personality far more rich and slowly seeps in and out of the Grain: Whisky made from both malted and unmalted barley as every scent at once – one or two complex than it is often given wood barrel containing it for well as other grains such as corn. aromas will often dominate, and credit for. Therefore, we here as long as it’s inside. Since the it can be hard to get past them, at the paper endeavor to dis- wood is responsible for the bulk Scotch: Legally defi ned as whisky produced and matured wholly especially for a newer drinker. pel some of the confusion sur- of the whiskey’s personality, the in Scotland and made only from malted barley and other whole See if you can isolate three dis- rounding this magical beverage variety is of great importance. cereal grains. tinct aromas, even if you can’t and give you, the reader, a step- Bourbon whiskey, for instance, name them or describe exactly ping stone towards appreciating is matured in casks made from Bourbon: Legally defi ned as whiskey produced in the United what they remind you of. Af- whiskey the way it ought to be American Oak that are charred States from a mixture consisting of at least 51% corn. Contrary ter you get used to the whisky appreciated. on the inside, which makes for a to popular belief, the name of “bourbon” is not reserved only for with a few sips, see if you can Surprisingly enough, the deeper color and releases many Kentucky whiskies. (Fun Fact: Jack Daniels is NOT bourbon; it is identify any new smells. Letting seeds of the immaculate whis- natural sugars found inside the Tennessee whiskey that is charcoal fi ltered prior to bottling) the spirit sit for several minutes, ky tree were planted not in the wood. Scotch whisky, on the as well as adding a bit of water, Scottish highlands, but in an- other hand, is aged in spent Age: The age of a whisky denotes the period of time passed will also open up new aromas. cient Mesopotamia. The Meso- bourbon casks or sherry casks, between distillation and bottling. In blends, the age advertised is Nosing is a very subjective pro- potamians developed some of providing an often lighter color the age of the oldest whisky used in the blend. cess; it takes a while to get good the fi rst distillation techniques and a less sweet, more complex at identifying scents, and even back in the second millen- fl avor profi le. Single Malt: Malt whisky from a single distillery. Unless other- two experienced whisky drink- nium B.C., though they were But what good is driveling wise indicated, single malts will often contain whisky from many ers can sense different aromas. originally used for making per- pedantry on a subject so person- casks of different ages. Remember that when you’re fumes, aromatics and medicine. al and visceral? If whiskey is to Example: Laphroaig trying to analyze a whisky’s Though the exactly how distilla- be understood, then it has to be nose, there are no wrong an- tion spread to Europe and even- tasted. Here are some notes on Vatted Malt: A blend of single malt whiskies from different swers – unless you think you tually the British Isles is some- how to do it effectively: distilleries. smell apricots. Then you’re to- what unclear, many speculate Example: Johnny Walker Green Label tally wrong, you idiot. that it was brought to the Ibe- The fi rst piece of equipment Finally, the part you actually rian Peninsula during the Moor- you should have before pouring Blended: A mixture of malt and grain whiskied from different care about: the sip. First, take ish invasions and subsequently yourself a dram of whisky is a distilleries. Whiskies labeled simply as “Scotch Whisky” are in a small bead of liquid – you spread throughout the continent proper glass. Don’t let yourself usually blends. can guzzle from the bottle lat- through monasteries, who pro- fall to the sorry depths of try- Example: Johnny Walker Red Label er. Roll it around your tongue, duced medicinal tinctures with ing to enjoy a fi ne spirit from a slosh it gently back and forth, the process. ceramic mug, red SOLO cup, or approached tastefully – drink- color alone. Whisky companies and see if you can draw in a bit Since the British Isles did paper cone. Even shot glasses, ing whisky will make you look know that many customers still of air through your mouth. No- not have a climate that sup- rocks glasses, and straight tum- scholarly enough without them, make this association, however, tice what fl avors you get initial- ported the growing of grapes blers are less than preferable. and the line between class and which leads many distillers to ly and how they develop; then for wine production, barley beer Anyone who wishes to truly ap- ostentation is a fi ne one. add caramel coloring to their swallow, paying attention to the was instead the drink of choice preciate whisky needs a nosing After you select your appro- whiskies with the sole purpose fi nish. Does the taste linger? in Ireland, Scotland and England glass – wide at the bottom, nar- priate glassware, pour yourself of trying to make them look Does it fade quickly? What’s during the middle ages. Just rower at the top, with a rim that a serving of whisky – anywhere darker and more refi ned. Whis- the consistency of the liquid? like brandy (i.e. distilled wine) curls slightly outward (the Glen- from an ounce to half a gallon ky purists frown upon the addi- Is it oily, syrupy, light, or oth- developed as a way to store cairn glass is a classic example). should do. The fi rst thing to tion of caramel, but understand erwise? grape products more space-ef- In place of such an apparatus, a notice is the color of the spirit; that it is very prevalent – unless First try the whisky neat: fectively, the Scots eventually regular wine glass or snifter will hold your glass up to the light in a bottle specifi cally says that room temperature with no water started distilling barley brew do fi ne. Ideally, the glass should order to assess it. Is it pale yel- it does not contain caramel, it or ice. Then, try adding a few as a means of both concentrat- allow the spirit to swirl and low? Rich gold? Dark amber? likely does. Accordingly, don’t drops of purifi ed water. Don’t ing and storing the commod- aerate towards the base, open- As you look at the color, you’ll try to anticipate fl avor by color be afraid of this, since water ity. What ensued would change ing the bouquet of aromas, and likely conclude that the darker – merely appreciate the pure will often open a whisky up and the face of both inebriation and aesthetics of the release different fl avors – just connoisseurship forever. color, especially if be sure not to drown the spirit, A glass of good After years of trial, error, and it’s natural. and don’t use tap water, tainted whisky can often probably some earth-shattering After this, water, or toilet water. And while result in high hangovers, the production pro- spend some time commercials always show spirits, fi ne cigars cess was fi anlly standardized. smelling the whis- beautiful rich people throwing and bad-ass To produce a Scotch whisky, ky (if you want to ice into their glasses before fi ll- cardigans. barley is fi rst malted, meaning it sound super so- ing them in slow motion, you is soaked in warm water to force phisticated, you probably won’t want to drink a germination. This process helps can call this pro- fi ne whisky on the rocks, as do- the grain to release the straches cess “nosing,” and ing so can alter the fl avor and and sugars contained therein, can refer to the temperature too much. If you which provide fuel for fermen- collective aroma of choose to add ice at all, it should tation. The grains are then dried the whisky as “the be after you’re familiar with the (often with the aid of peat moss nose”). As previ- whisky, or if it isn’t of especial- fi re, especially in the Speyside ously mentioned, ly good quality, or if you can’t region) and mashed to form a position your nose quite strap on your man-pants* sugary liquid called wort. This at the lip of the tight enough to drink an Ameri- is then distilled in large, onion- glass, right where can’s** drink. (Also applicable: shaped pot stills, resulting in a the vapors are con- *kilt, **Scotsman’s) Vampires Don’t Suckoctober 27, 2010 the paper page 13 (Ok, Well Kind Of) by Timothy Bridge watches Vampire Diaries and which was recently remade into vigorous Professor Abraham ass in the end.) Then came Nos- STAFF NOCTURNAL has read the entire Twilight the American Let Me In starring Van Helsing, the hunter of the feratu, a silent fi lm about a gro- We’ve all seen the ridicu- saga. I wouldn’t be as upset Hit Girl from Kick-Ass (she beast. Basically, it launched the tesque-looking vampire search- lous number of movies, televi- with this if she weren’t on Team lightened up on the “fucks” and vampire movement as a whole, ing and fi ghting for the blood of sion shows, books and t-shirts Jacob (Team Edward 4 life!). In “cunts” for this role)— received as well as fi lm adaptations, se- a woman. Nosferatu is perhaps depicting abnormally pale and all seriousness, Twilight does an overwhelmingly posi- best known to our wonderfully sexy individuals. put a damper on the vampire tive response from critics. generation as the The recent boom of vampires phenomenon as it does not fully The seldom-seen 2000 dude who caused in popular culture has created capture the true vampire way— movie Shadow of the Vam- He’s on team Jacob. the lights to fl ick- quite the conundrum for a ma- there is little blood-sucking, pire earned Willem Dafoe er in an episode of jority of people in the world, lusty awesomeness and far too (who may or may not be a Spongebob. myself included. Namely, how much sparkly, whiney bullshit. real vampire) an Academy In all honesty, is it that I am so fucking turned Any series worthy of a spoof by Award nomination for his while many may on by mass-murdering, blood- the Date Movie dudes is neces- depiction of the famous. argue that vam- thirsty, nocturnal, albino freaks? sarily disgusting. Also, Stephe- My personal favorite vam- pires are stupid The answer is quite simple: nie Meyer is one of the worst pire movie, From Dusk and too overex- though the race of bloodsuckers writers whose work I have ever Till Dawn, places George posed, the bot- has had more overexposure than had the misfortune of reading. I Clooney and Quentin Tar- tom line is that I George Hamilton at a tanning got a whole three chapters into antino in a Mexican strip would love to be booth (zing!), vampires are still Twilight and just had to stop. To club/bar fi lled with vam- a vampire. Just really fucking awesome. quote the greatest horror novel- pires like Cheech Marin think: the immor- In the interest of full dis- ist of the twentieth (and twenty- (doing his best Cheech tality; enhanced closure, I must tell you that I fi rst) century, Stephen King, on Marin impression), and lust and sexi- do participate somewhat in the Meyer and the infallible J.K. Salma Hayek (stripping ness; living only vampire obsession, as I am an Rowling, “Both Rowling and with a really big snake in the hot, wet avid viewer of the HBO series Meyer, they’re speaking direct- around her neck). What nights (woo!); True Blood. If you are unfamil- ly to young people… The real makes this vampire movie never having to iar with the show, it’s blatantly difference is that Jo Rowling is so durn special is that it scrutinize myself awesome, and fi ve of my Top a terrifi c writer and Stephenie takes a good sixty min- in the mirror; en- Ten Men That I Would Turn Gay Meyer can’t write worth a darn. utes for the vampires to hanced speed and For are cast members. My more She’s not very good.” The King actually come into the strength; fangs elaborate defense for watching has spoken. fi lm. And when you have that can fucking a vampire show would have to But I digress. I seem to be no idea what the movie is draw blood; and; be that it is hilarious, invigorat- so distracted by the very few about up until that point, it of course, a nice ing, and has actually been rec- negatives in the grand scheme scares the shit out of you pale aura. Sounds ognized by the Emmys and the of vampiredom and have not so much you’re laughing. quels, and stage performances pretty awesome to me. So be- Golden Globes as a respectable focused enough on the fact that But of course, we need to (most notably the 2009 fall pro- fore you start ranting about television series, vampires or vampires are still really cool. take into account these vam- duction of Dracula at Medfi eld how vampires are stupid, re- no. Plus, in like almost every Many vampire fi lms of the pires’ ancestors. It all goes back High School in Medfi eld, Mas- member: they could be lurking episode, there are boobies! modern era are worthy sink- to Bram Stoker’s Dracula, the sachusetts, starring none other in the shadows, waiting to sink I should also mention that I ing my teeth into (ha). Låt Den 1897 novel, which birthed the than Timothy Bridge as Jona- their teeth into your throat and have seen the negatives of the Rätte Komma In (English: Let idea of the undead rising to than Harker, a man who gets a take the life from you. Or may- vampire explosion, as I have the Right One In), a Swedish take the blood they require, as bit too close to Count Dracula. be they just want to fl icker the a fourteen-year-old sister who fi lm about a child vampire— well as introducing us to the But don’t worry, I staked his lights… Nosferatu! Kidz Bop: Seriously, dudes, quit it already by Festa Face confused as to why young kids group of preteen children, most there was a childproof lock on the Kidz Bop might be rightly wor- STAFF FAMILY VALUES are singing about breaking hearts of them extremely confused, are liquor cabinet, these songs are ried that eating muck stew could I like listening to music. In (courtesy of Taio Cruz) and being dancing and singing songs that one hundred percent kid friendly. cause nausea, heartburn, indi- fact, I like listening to music a in love (Justin Bieber, anyone?) are on the Billboard Charts. Many Par example, Ke$ha’s gestion, upset stomach and diar- lot. The relationship I have Tik-Tok got the Extreme Make- rhea, and the last thing we want with my iPod is an intimate over: Song Edition. No longer is is for our children to worry. Or one, and if anything were to our favorite female hobo drink- what about the “Bed Intruder” ever happen to it, the act of ing some Jack and getting tipsy, song by the one and only Antoine constructing a shrine in its but, goes and “packs” and gets Dodson? “He’s skipping to your honor would be immanent. “silly.” It is so nice for Kidz Bop house/He’s talking your people It’s like the time when I ac- to let us know that the trailer up/Tryin’a hug ‘em/” would defi - cidently dropped my fi rst trash singer decided to join the nitely be much more appropriate iPod and that frowning face circus so she could pursue a ca- for a sing along. Who doesn’t appeared. I may or may not reer as a clown. Or the bearded want to hear a song about some- have cried for several days. lady. Or a talking horse. Anyway, one wanting to spread the love? I know I wore black and it appears as though Kidz Bop So, allow me to take this mo- I mourned, but honestly, is concerned that controversial ment to pose some simple ques- let’s not talk about it. But Currently working language might negatively in- tions about Kiz Bop that have been you know what we should fl uence children who decide to torturing my soul (you know, just talk about? We should talk on a family-friendly waste their money on K.B. But if to clear the air): WHAT IS THE about the fact that music version of “The the dudez-in-charge are choosing POINT? What difference does these days is becoming so… Chronic” songs like Tik-Tok for the kids it make if kids listen to the real bad— and that means you, to sing, then why don’t they just or the fake song? Is Kidz Bop not Kidz Bop. Yes, you. kick it up a notch? There are a lot contradicting itself by promoting The other day, my roommate These kids don’t even know what of them have probably been of songs in the musical world that such racy songs in the fi rst place? and I were watching Spy Kids, the word “puberty” means, and forced by an overbearing parent would be oh-so-fun for them to More importantly, who failed fi rst just for shits and giggles (Can we the last people I am going to look to take part in such an activity work on. grade English and spelled “kids” talk about how Carmen is getting to for advice on messy hookups ,because it might give them that Take for example Lily Al- wrong? You are already ruining married in real life? Where did the are children clad in shiny latex. I extra boost on the Common Ap- len’s catchy tune Fuck You. Now my experience when it comes to time go?), and we were blessed mean, seriously, I do not want to plication (i.e. Work Experience: how would Kidz Bop tackle this music, Kidzzzz Bop, so why do with the opportunity to watch a see children shaking their asses to Kidz Bop Singer. Description: one? Would the lyrics be changed you have to go and crouch on Kidz Bop commercial. Appar- Get Low, attempting to sound like Selling my soul for money). But to “Love you (Love you)/Love my spelling? I mean, seriously. ently, Kidz Bop will graciously a less-gangster Li’l John. what makes Kidz Bop particularly you very, very much” or maybe What’s next? Are you going to be dropping its 18th album for all For those who are unfamil- special is that most of the songs “Muck stew (Muck stew)/Muck mess around with metalcore or children around the world to hear. iar with the horror show that I have been childproofed. Yes, just stew is very, very good.” These Lok’ rap? Damn you, Kidz Bop, Yet, still to this day, I fi nd myself am talking about, picture this: a like when your parents made sure lyrics seem pretty harmless, but damn you! page 14 the paper october 27, 2010 On Haters. by Sean Bandfi eld imagination of the listener. The play of opinion that falls short opted and brandished like a tro- avoid. STAFF META-HATER hater remains a phantom – a of fawning praise? Congratula- phy. The musician displays this Given, this non-virtuous No villain of modern music vague and poorly defi ned critic tions – you are a jealous hater, received hate as a mark of pride, fame can benefi t the musi- is as pervasive and indistinct who is out of line and unjusti- despising that which you want the sure sign that he has the cian in less honorable ways; as the hater. It seems that few fi ed, even if the artist does not, but can’t have. Against the mu- hater’s attention and can ride wherever there is an example popular musicians can declare or can not, explain why. In the sician ready to dismiss all op- the derision all the way to the of sleaze, not far away can we their individuality and autono- past, the musician would men- ponents as “haters,” there is no bank. “Hating is the sincerest fi nd someone ready to shower my without deriding their haters tion their opponent’s claim, criticism, no matter how valid, form of fl attery”; “Love me or it with money. However, if the in the same breath – so much and would even call them by that isn’t fair game to be labeled hate me, either way I’m on your musician sees this as success so that, more and more, to as- name, thus addressing their ad- as “hate.” mind”; “Hating on a certain or vindication – profi ting with sert one’s boldness and freedom versary’s argument directly and name only gives them fame.” fame and fortune specifi cally is to attack those who question eliminating any convenient am- “You catch me at yo local These are other maxims of the because of one’s lack of merit – either. Proclaiming liberty and biguity. But if this practice of party modern musician; not only can then it shows that the musician refuting the hater are becoming specifi city remains at all in pop- Yes I crank it every day the musician rest comfortably is interested only in the superfi - the same pursuit. ular music, it is at least sharing Haterz get mad cuz knowing that he has his hater’s cial rewards of his medium. For the fl oor with an ever-increasing I got me some Bathin’ Apes attention, but his career can ac- the “hater” who scorns a lack of “Don’t let haters keep me off tactic: attempting to destroy the … tually be furthered by the public merit and integrity, the musician my grind unheard claim of the invisible …Haterz wanna be me” contempt provided by his oppo- who embraces derision while Keep my head up I know I’ll enemy – the hater. nents. celebrating its material rewards be fi ne” It is this reluctance to iden- Soulja Boy Tell’em, “Crank is the ultimate affi rmation. Willow Smith, “Whip My tify the hater’s claims and That (Soulja Boy)” “You can talk your shit Thus, the more the musician rel- Hair” identity that betrays the artist’s you’re only making me famous. ishes in this “success,” sarcasti- weakness. It doesn’t matter You can talk your shit you’re cally thanking the hater for this But who is the hater? What only making me famous. “fame,” the more the musician are the hater’s claims? What are You can talk your shit you’re undermines his own merits and the hater’s intentions, and why only making me famous. proves the “hater” right. do they merit their own portion You can talk your shit you’re The ultimate hypocrisy in- of lyrical dismissal? If we are to only making me famous.” herent to the cry of “hater!” believe the popular musician, - Blood on the Dance Floor, is that all forms of art warrant the hater is one who, well… “Bitches Get Stitches” criticism; architecture, painting, hates. But how this hate mani- dance, and cinema all have their fests, despite vague implica- “There’s no such thing as critics, and music should be no tions, is often up to the listener bad publicity.” exception. The musicians who to decide. The hater hates the Unknown employ this childish tactic only musician’s clothes; hates the hurt themselves – rather than musician’s style; hates the musi- The idea that negative criti- analyzing valid criticism con- cian’s attitude. The hater despis- cism only helps the target by structively, and thus benefi tting es the musician’s individuality, promoting his name is a fraudu- their art, these musicians plug apparently unable to tolerate lent principle that demonstrates their ears and paint all oppo- such a display of confi dence and the musician’s twisted narcis- nents with the same presumptu- originality. Certainly, this dis- sism. Yes, to publicly lambast ous brush. dain emanates from the hater’s a person provides that person Peculiar, isn’t it, that these own insecurity – uncomfortable with publicity and, accordingly, musicians, so confi dent with in being himself, the hater seeks fame. However, there is no such their identity and unfazed by to destroy any appearance of ar- thing as fame qua fame – there detractors, dedicate so much tistic confi dence. is the type fame that a musi- time dismissing those with cian should want, and the type whom they claim to be indiffer- “Haters only hate the things of fame that a musician should ent. When we are not bothered they can’t get and the people who offers criticism, or how By automatically labeling dread. The former is the type of by something, we don’t make a they can’t be.” valid that criticism is – whoever all critics as haters, the musician fame that celebrates the musi- habit of incessantly declaring to - Unknown questions the artist’s integrity, is freed from actually consider- cian as a true pioneer, a cultural the world how little that thing freedom, or talent is instantly ing the merits of the charges landmark, a visionary whose matters to us. If popular musi- Often, this is where the defi - a hater. A charge of superfi ci- against him and, further, is freed work deserves to be taken se- cians are so underwhelmed and nition ends – the identity of the ality? You are a hater. An ac- from having to rebut them. But riously. The latter is infamy – unmoved by “haters,” I suspect hater and the specifi c claims cusation of insincerity? You’ve the defendant’s strategy doesn’t public humiliation, dishonor, we would never hear of these against the artist are left to the instantly begun hating. Any dis- stop there – “hate” is also ad- the epitome of all that art should “haters” at all. october 27, 2010 the paper page 15 arts

by Dan Yacavino they begin an Internet relation- it out to Colorado, but Megan road with “Return To Sender” Abby’s friend that Abby doesn’t STAFF MEDIA ship where she sends him songs, sends Nev songs she’s written stamped clearly on them. Does paint, so how could she be such RELATIONSHIP SPOILER artwork and sexts without ever so he doesn’t feel lonely in the Megan even exist? Well to an- a prolifi c painter? Finally An- o put it simply: Catfi sh was having met each other. Now, hotel. What’s funny, though, is swer that question Nev heads gela gives in -- admitting that it Tthe most deceptive fi lm in on the surface, the fi lm seems the songs are ripped right off of over to Angela’s house the next was her all along and that Nev terms of marketing I can re- like some sad consequence of a YouTube. Slowly everything morning for breakfast. Arriving had been in contact only with cently recall. With jilted frames digital age where people can be- starts to unravel. Every piece of at the house with an assortment her. She had two cell phones and dark scenery illuminated come so attached to one another music has been lifted right off of secret cameras and micro- that she used and upwards of fi f- by the blue glow of a computer without ever meeting, sharing the internet and Megan continu- phones, the two fi lmmakers and teen Facebook profi les to spin a screen, the narrator’s voice de- intimate details and letting them ally claims that it’s her work, Nev ring the bell—to no answer. web of delusion that completely mands that we, the audience, into their own lives, until you fuming at Nev through a Google They walk around the back and entrenched Nev. Though an im- “do not let anyone tell you what realize that it’s not a true inter- Chat window. So what is any see someone standing inside portant interaction between the it is,” gives the inclination that action. twenty-something heart-struck only to introduce themselves to characters is that Nev reacts we’re waiting for a horror—a very kindly to the woman who horror so scary due to the fact completely fooled him rather Wait, you’re not... that it could happen to any of than lashing out or acting im- (h)uman? us (who are on Facebook, that maturely, which does speak is). A seemingly tame interac- to his character, but he is still tion between the main charac- a fool for falling in love with ter, Nev, and an eight-year-old someone who doesn’t exist. painting prodigy named Abby The fi lm drags on much Pierce inspires his brother, Rel, longer than it should have in and friend, Henry, to fi lm Nev an effort to be scarier than over the next few months, ul- No, but I’m... it really is. The point of the timately leading to the fi nale’s (h)uge fi lm is that these three grown revelation but DON’T LET ME men were tricked by a bored TELL YOU WHAT IT IS. woman in rural Michigan be- Nev photographs dance in cause they invested in a social New York City and presumably tool so heavily to have such has for a while. His artwork ap- faith that anyone who is on pears in publications and reach- the internet is real and there- es a little girl named Abby in fore completely missed the middle-of-nowhere Ishpeming, point of human relationships. Mississippi who converted his Angela’s husband gives the work into an amazingly good *FOR THE LOVE OF photographer to do when con- a woman, named Angela Pierce, deepest analogy that also gives painting for a child. Nev begins ZOMBIE JESUS I’M GOING fronted with a deep-seated lie who looks nothing like the the fi lm its name as he tells a communication with the girl, TO SPOIL THE MOVIE FOR that has affected him deeply for woman painted in previous cor- story of codfi sh being transport- stunned by her work, which was YOU. CAUTION! DRAGONS months? He rents a car and with respondence: her husband and ed to China: Because codfi sh fed through the mother, Angela BE HERE!* his friends and drives to Pierce, his twin mentally-handicapped are lumped together in crates – because, honestly, who wants Nev and Megan’s relation- home, hoping to fi nd some an- sons from a previous marriage for transport, they will turn to their child talking to some ran- ship quickly blossoms over the swers. Arriving in the middle with her. When Nev introduces mush if they never move. Fish dom New Yorker on the Internet course of the movie as Nev be- of the night, they fi nd Megan’s himself she gives him a hug that farmers put a predetor catfi sh in in the fi rst place? Nev learns comes ever the more smitten by address to her supposed horse lasts just a little too long and the tanks to keep the cod agile all the intimate details about this his digital better-half. Megan farm. The car slowly pulls into Megan is conspicuously no- and fresh. Clearly the implica- family over the phone and in consumes Nev’s life (Nev kind the driveway with few lights where to be found. tion is that Angela is the catfi sh email and chat windows with- of sounds like naïve, doesn’t it?) and the advertisements would The fi lmmakers sit down of the internet. With everyone out ever actually meeting these and when he gets a project out leave you to believe that this is with the family who still will lulled into complacency, she people. However he befriends in Vail, Colorado to photograph the moment when some mutant not give them straight answers caused Nev to actually act on an entire group of people on a dance competition he tries to from The Hills Have Eyes comes to anything. In short, Megan his online interactions rather Facebook who, presumably, meet up with his e-lover, the girl running out of the forest with a doesn’t exist in any form. Ange- than take them at face value or are friends with one another Abby who started all of this, and chainsaw, but that moment nev- la Pierce fi rst claims that she’s in ignore them. A human element in Michigan. One girl, Abby’s the rest of the family with whom er comes. The only payoff is rehab and then it turns out that was forced into an online inter- half-sister, e-attracts Nev and he’s been in contact. They claim letters that Nev has sent to Me- there is no Megan at all. The action and now people are prof- it is too short a notice to make gan are lying on the side of the fi lmmakers discover through iting from it. Genius. page 16 the paper october 27, 2010 When Feces Comes At Your Face and You Think It’s Real: Jackass 3D by Elena Lightbourn (I’m pretty sure that if I were a wouldn’t be able to count how COMIX EDITOR 16 year-old in college, I would many times I put my hand over not be trying to buy a ticket for I don’t go to the movies that my face in shock and genuine Jackass 3D, but, okay.) I could often anymore. Most movies sympathy for whichever cast not buy my ticket. My friends in theaters fail to intrigue me, member happened to be playing and I momentarily panicked, and I view spending upwards the victim in particular scenes. and then quickly found a solu- of $12 to sit in a theater and Some parts, however, I found tion. We went all the way over watch a movie I can eventually pointless and overdone -- name- Star Wars 2D forever there to watch Jackass 3D, and see on DVD or on the internet ly those involving cast members by God, it was going to happen. as a waste of money. Naturally, hitting each other in the balls. So, we asked a random stranger I never expected that I would Yes, some people will still laugh in line behind us to please buy ave you heard? Lucasfi lm Ltd. wrote its own epitaph see Jackass 3D in theaters, but at that, but can’t you be a little my ticket in clear view of the Hon September 28, 2010, announcing that the live- a couple of (totally awesome) more creative, Jackasses? theater staff. Hey, it worked. action Star Wars Saga will be converted to 3D. Thankfully friends offered to pay for my Amongst the puking, midget Once I put on my 3D glass- though, of all the untouchable episodes that will soon be ticket, so I went. I have never bar fi ghts, games of beehive es, it took a couple of painful molested, it is Episode I: The Phantom Menace that is ex- even watched the fi rst two Jack- tetherball, and penis-showings, minutes for my eyeballs to stop pected to be released theatrically fi rst, in February 2012. ass movies, but I do admit to Jackass 3D’s most memorable protesting the adjustment. From having occasionally indulged in performance would probably the beginning of the movie it For many orthodox Star Wars fans, The Phantom Men- the TV series as a kid, curious to have to be the “Poop Cocktail struck me how aged Johnny ace has always represented some kind of fall from grace. see why my parents so heavily Supreme.” Contrary to what Knoxville and friends now ap- Its 1999 release abrasively associated the incredible ingenu- detested MTV. the name of this stunt may sug- pear, and this detail only added ity of Episodes IV-VI 70s-style animation with the stupid, Even after 10 years in the gest, cast members do not in- to the movie’s overall hilarity. stuttering, computer-generated Jar Jar Binks, spent more business, the Jackass franchise gest poop. Instead, they project The movie progresses from one time detailing Natalie Portman’s wardrobe than whether or delivers what they tradition- a Port-a-Potty overfl owing with ridiculous stunt to another with not the evil Trade Federation would take over her charac- ally promise with their newest poop 100 feet into the air using varying degrees of foulness and ter, Queen Amidala’s kingdom of Naboo, and revealed the installation of crazy exploits. cranes and bungee cords. Oh, painfulness to watch. Many of once-mysteriously evil Face of the Dark Side, of the “Sith,” Watching other people do stupid and with Steve-O and a camera their stunts are essentially ex- to be a cheap variation of The Exorcist’s demon face, in things is great, because you get inside. As much as I wanted to, periments, and as an audience full, striking red and yellow inside Darth Maul’s robe. the benefi ts (like laughing your I could not force myself to look member, I felt strangely con- ass off) without the consequenc- away, and could only muster the The Phantom Menace opened the fl oodgates for Lucas’ es (like be- motivation nit-picky alterations to his already masterful Saga – Epi- ing covered to describe sode’s II: Attack of the Clones (2002) and II: Revenge of head to toe in it with a the Sith (2005) brought the quality of Hollywood love story poop). single word plots, a new snarky, computer-generated Yoda, and a wealth I saw in my notes of other taboos that tarnished the luster of the (emphasis Jackass 3D -- “TERRI- on) original 70s trilogy. And right before Revenge of the at the AMC FYING.” Sith came out, Lucas released the original trilogy for the Bay Plaza The fi rst time on DVD with a heavy use of CGI technology, new in a surpris- question and bad Cantina band songs, and continuity alterations as ingly subur- that contin- a “2004 Special Edition,” assuring fans that these new, old ban area of ued to burn souped up versions of Episodes IV-VI were the “canonical the Bronx, through version” to fully complete the disconnected Saga. Torn be- bringing back my brain tween nostalgic longings for the galaxy from a long time ago memories for the en- and far far away and the loyalty to this galaxy’s creator, Lu- of my high tirety of the cas/Star Wars fans groaned away any impulses to welcome school days fi lm was the new developments three decades worth of technologi- in Houston “why?” cal development brought to their practiced Star Wars faith. having noth- Why would ing to do be- anyone I think Lucas warned us, though, of the onslaught to come sides go out ever want by naming Episode I: The Phantom Menace – with “phan- to the mov- to build a tom” as a mass noun meaning “illusion, unreality, empti- ies. For what- diorama ness, vanity, delusion, deception, falsity,” and “menace” ever reason, I with a vol- meaning “a declaration of indication of hostile intention, did not bring cano which or of a probably evil or catastrophe; a threat.” Yes, those my state ID gushes not could very well apply to the movie’s main “villain” – Ana- with me; be- lava, but kin’s growing urge to convert to the Dark Side with the Siths. ing a 20-year- human fe- But, couldn’t it also be an ominous predilection of the hos- old and all, cal mat- tile technological intrusions that are distorting the imagi- long gone ter? Why native capabilities of Star Wars fans until they are empty? are the times would any- when being one submit The advent of a 3D Star Wars awaits the last coming of the old enough to a dental Phantom Menace that will suck dry each and every purely cre- to watch an R-rated movie was extraction nected to the Jackass gang in ative element out of the Saga and instead fi ll it with pompous, a big deal. As we waited in line powered by a speeding Lam- our shared inquisitiveness. We easy, aesthetically-distracting nonsense. Star Wars audiences to purchase tickets, we noticed borghini? Why would anyone don’t think about it, but jet en- do not need what John Knoll, the Visual Effects Supervisor a couple of what looked like 14 collect a cup full of a fat guy’s gines have to be pretty damn for Industrial Light & Magic and Sith behind the operation, year-olds attempt and patheti- sweat and proceed to drink it? powerful to make a plane fl y. calls a “fantastic new Star Wars experience.” And neither do cally fail to buy their own, the The answer, of course, besides Ever wondered what would future generations of Star Wars audiences. The force will not salesperson ignoring their pleas money (duh), is in order to en- happen if you stood behind one? be with them – in any visual dimension. Making Star Wars 3D in the absence of their IDs. Wit- tertain. I can not and defi nitely How about if you took a pee be- is doing everything Luke does wrong the fi rst time he trains nessing this scene worried me. will not say I hated Jackass 3D. hind one? Luckily, someone out with Yoda in the Swamp of Dagobagh – distracting our collec- I didn’t have my state ID in But that might be because I do there has also asked themselves tive self with impatient multiplicity. Making Star Wars 3D is my possession… but I look at not have a weak stomach and I this question, found the answer, converting to the Dark Side, ignoring Obi-Won, and encasing least 17... right? Apparently not. am not easily offended. If either and shared it with the masses! Han Solo forever carbonite. Making Star Wars 3D is a trap! Also, apparently a Fordham ID of these apply to you, do not see Jackass 3D is interesting -K.C. proving that I am a junior isn’t this movie; otherwise, Jackass because it gives the viewer a re- good enough either, because 3D may very well touch you in newed appreciation for the hu- according to the salesperson, some way. man body’s tolerance of pain. I I “could be 16 and a junior.” october 27, 2010 the paper page 17 the show paper’s list

by Krissy Buongiorno The Growlers hopped up on from the term “growler” which STAFF DOESN’T HAVE A stage and those in the band who means to shit, poop, dump, drop SET LIST were wearing sarongs over their a deuce, defecate (not to be Long Beach, California’s jeans untied them and plugged confused with fornicate), etc. very own Los Growlers played their guitars in. They opened They did, however, fail to play at the Knitting Factory in their set with their song “Acid “Wet Dreams” after my many Brooklyn on Wednesday Oc- Rain” and instantly the crowd attempts at yelling at them to tober 13th. Upon entering the was pleased. Just about every- play it. I can only yell out “wet Knitting Factory, which is basi- one’s hips were swaying, except dreams” in a crowd so many cally a little times until I room with become “that Stoned silly, here. Can I get girl.” a stage and Not all concerts have to be on a Civil War battlefi eld. a whiskey? The a bar in the New York has plenty of shows every day that don’t include Growlers back, I was cannons, rampant amputation, or a lack of working electric- were not big pleasantly ity. Many probably exhibit some wild facial hair, though. My on chit- chat surprised problem, however, is that outside of Rodrigue’s shows (which during their to fi nd my are always a lot of fun and you should all go), I haven’t been performance. feet weren’t to a concert in a long time. It’s very sad. You should go with Only the sticking to me! We can drink booze and dance and compare pit stains at lead singer, the ground, various points of the night. We can do all that and then get on Brooks Niel- the toi- a subway instead of marching home over the course of a few son, talked let wasn’t months with a limb or two less and broken shoes. to the crowd, clogged and - C.S. over fl ow- simply to let us know that ing with fe- Who: Jedi Mind Tricks he was “su- cal matter, When: Sat. October 30, 8pm per high” and the sink was Where: Bowery Ballroom that he kept still on the HOWMUCH: $15 advance, $17 day-of tripping out wall (rumor Why: This is the hip-hop trio’s fourth and fi nal night of their for the sweaty pudgy asian who and thinking that he was still on has it a couple was bumpin’ ug- short, spontaneous “Halloween Havoc” tour. Hip-hop doesn’t was jumping up and down while their tour bus. “Don’t you just lies in Ziggy’s bathroom, on, have to be scary, but this time it should be. around, or near the sink and it throwing up the “rock on” sym- hate when you think you’re on a bol, on both hands. tour bus when in reality you’re fell off the wall! Zounds!), and Who: The Dresden Dolls After a few songs and a few not?” After a good hour and a it wasn’t a million degrees too When: Sun (Halloween!) Octobert 31, 8pm requests from the lead singer to half of boss beats and hip danc- hot. Then I remembered that Where: Irving Plaza have someone in the crowd bring ing The Growlers left the stage not all bars are like the shit HOWMUCH: $31.50 him some whiskey from the bar, and joined the crowd shortly af- shacks in the Bronx, the shit Why: Missed her mister? By her I mean Amanda Palmer, the things started to liven up and ter at the bar. shacks that I hold dear to my bold, crude, and powerful singer of the dark cabnaret duo. And people started to loosen up. The Nielson was outside The heart. This place was dimly by mister I mean everyone who hasn’t listened to the Dresden Growlers continued on playing Knitting Factory with some lit with chandeliers that looked Dolls in a while. Even in a big, wide, venue like Irving Plaza, the just about all their songs, which random dog sitting on a blanket like distorted pieces of popcorn Dresden Dolls, I’m sure, will still touch some intimate nerves. is not too diffi cult to do since selling vinyls and shirts from a fl oating on the ceiling. There Shocking, charming, plucky, steely and creepy - they’re quite the they have like one and a half suitcase still really, really high. were ten or so cushiony chairs apropo Halloween sight, and sound. scattered around the room along albums with most songs being I shuffl ed over, a tad bit star- around two minutes. Lo-fi and struck even though I’m embar- with fi fty or so individuals who Who: The Static Jacks, Penrose groovy, they sounded fl awless rassed to admit it, to praise him looked to be in their twenties. When: Fri November 5, 8pm for the show and also Predominantly hip- Where: Rodrigue’s Coffee House to let him know that I sters, the crowd had a HOWMUCH: FREEEEEEE a different sweaty, grew up a town over few surfer wannabes, Why: If you watched the tenth episode of the second season pudgy asian dude from The Growlers. one girl who fl ashed of the Jersey Shore, you know, the one when Angelina leaves, who danced his After I expressed her boobies, one at about 32 minutes in they played a 7-second sample of one pants off these things to him sweaty pudgy asian of the Static Jacks’ songs. It happened right when the situation he looked at me with dude who danced was banging that Canadian chick. Also, Penrose is always really wide eyes, greasy his pants off, and the awesome. rest were old weird hair, and a skinny, malnourished body people who looked Who: Friends of the Daily Show and whispered like they just like to When: Wed November 3, 8pm “that’s sooooo cool,” do shrooms and listen Where: Comix grabbing my right to psychedelic surf HOWMUCH: $15 hand and shaking music on Wednesday Why: If you can’t make Jon Stewart’s “Rally To Restore Sanity” it vigorously with nights. over Halloween weekend in DC, “The Daily Show & Friends” both of his hands. The show was is your killer second chance to catch cable’s favorite fake news He wasn’t eager to very low key. Mem- team. Hosted by Daily Show producer Rory Albanese, the show let go of my hand, I bers of the Growlers brings together a handful of the show’s correspondents (John think he thought he were actually out in Oliver, Wyatt Cenac, Kristen Schaal, and Rob Riggle to name a was still on the tour the crowd swaying few) with rotating guests working out their acts. For only fi fteen bus or something. I to the opening band bucks, you’ll get to spend the evening with New York’s comedy slipped away from and no one even greats. noticed them, ap- the scene still sway- proached them, or ing to the psychedel- ic beach-surf-goth even looked over in Who: Rick Ross and were able to take their fans pop-rock band (yeah, they actu- their general direction. Clear- When: Sat November 6, 8pm along with them on the drug ally really can be described as ly their fan following is not as Where: Loews Paradise Theater (right on Grand Concourse!) wave of “bent sound.” There all those genres) thinking that, strong on the east coast but it HOWMUCH: $112 was no set list or order, instead overall, it was a decent show for didn’t affect their performance. Why: If Rick Ross came all the way from Miami, you can come The Growlers would just huddle a good price -- only ten clams, I’ve seen The Growlers play in all the way from, what, ten blocks away? Yes, tickets are expen- up after every other song and baby. their hometown multiple times sive, but this gives you a chance to do some blowing money fast try to think of a new one to For more information on with much rowdier and livelier of your own. crowds, but the set they played play, perhaps a bit amateur of The Growlers or their tour visit them but then again very fi tting their myspace. in Brooklyn was by far the best. Once the opening band fi nished, for a band who’s name derives page 18 the paper october 27, 2010 Tucker Max is an Asshole. He Finished a Book, First. by Keegan Talty Hell, Assholes Finish First, and learn to respect this aspect of his ranging from his days trying to does not have the same original- STAFF SILVER MEDAL in person. At the book signing, writing, in spirte of how much become a successful published ity impact. There are some sto- ASSHOLE he took questions for about half he disrespects people. writer to his post-fame stories. ries that, of course, will shock On September 28, 2010, I of an hour and made fun of a Assholes Finish First is ex- Tucker Max does not devi- and awe you, but a lot of them, went into New Jersey. Now, I few fans, like “the high school actly what you would expect ate from his usual style, and while still hilarious, cannot sur- generally avoid New Jersey, but girls who waited 5 hours,” “the from Tucker Max. There are a does not disappoint his fandom. prise you. I had an important journey. I fat Asian man He takes As always, there are people departed with three friends and who asked ‘what every up on their high horses, criticiz- drove 45 minutes to a small is the way,’” situa- ing this “fratire” style of writing. town called Ridgefi eld. The and the “short, tion and For some people, it will even four of us were on our way to greasy bastard pushes shake their faith in humankind. buy Assholes Finish First, the wearing a shirt the en- But let’s face it -- people suck. second book of New York Times that said ‘I’d velope to There are the jerkoffs who don’t best selling author, Tucker Max. Rather Be Snort- its limits. give a fuck about other people, Many of you may be familiar ing Cocaine It is as if and the elitists who think they with his website, tuckermax. Off A Hooker’s everyone are morally better than most, com, or his fi rst book I Hope Ass.’” in the and they both condemn any They Serve Beer In Hell. Tucker Max world is deviation in lifestyle that is not Now why would I risk get- offers surpris- riding his theirs, even with their unjusti- ting smush-smushed by Snooki ing insight that train and, fi ed sense of higher morality. to buy the book? Why not order you would not at ev- But no matter what stance it or go somewhere else? The expect from a ery stop, you take on Tucker Max and answer to that is simple: Tuck- self-proclaimed more his writing, he is a number #1 er Max himself was holding a asshole. Betwixt and more best selling author, IHTSBIH is book signing. I have been a fan his stories, Tuck- people still #14 on the best sellers list, of Tucker Max’s for 4 or 5 years er showcases his intelligence few older stories of his drunken get off while Tucker Max stands Assholes Finish First may debut now. His stories are hilarious, and his “no bullshit” values. As debauchery that have been fea- there shouting, “fuck you” to at #3 on the hard cover’s list, albeit heartless and narcissis- he was before his book signing, tured on his website, but the the world. He does not get off and he has become rich for do- tic, but have never failed for a Tucker Max always tries to em- majority of the book is new ma- until he is going home with a ing literally nothing but being a laugh. He signs the book with phasize the importance of keep- terial. Like IHTSBIH, Assholes midget threesome. self-absorbent, abusive asshole. “I’m awesome.” But the biggest ing a story as true as possible. Finish First is anchored by a However, the one candle And America loves it, proving underlying factor about Tucker He offers pictures and e-mails longer story, “The Tuckerfest that Assholes Finish First does that assholes really do fi nish Max is his honesty. You see it as sources, and one can really Story.” There are many stories not hold to IHTSBIH is that it fi rst. in I Hope They Serve Beer In The Body Politic: girls sending important messages and hiding their nipples by Emily Genetta where the thrill lies. The focus there were a few that were intricate, carefully constructed ing to the fl oor, no fake penis, EXECUTIVE CO-EDITOR on performance rather than the slightly above and beyond. costume— which she removed no dance break or inappropriate performer’s body lends the me- piece by piece— would have props (though ExHOTic Other Let’s pretend, or simply ac- The performance by De- dium to political commentary as stolen the show from any lesser pulled off the machine guns knowledge, that you’re an ex- ity Delgado (who, I admit, is a much as straight-up art, and this performer, but Gramma was a quite well). Chillax fulfi lled the hibitionist woman of color, and friend of a friend) was a pitch- is where the Brown Girls come commanding presence, moving audience’s most basic expecta- you’re a thoughtful lady as well perfect opening act. Dressed as in. The NYC-based company, her hips to Beyonce’s “Ego” tions to an uncomfortable de- as a sexual one. You get off on Miss Puerto Rico, she slowly founded three years ago by Au- with purposeful force. After gree that forced us to examine showing off, but you don’t want removed her pageant gown rora Boobrealis (best. name. the last bit of plastic wrap was our own desires. She also (pre- to encourage the white, hetero- to “I Feel Pretty”— not the ever.), features seven amazing discarded, our lady revealed sumably) provided the emcee sexual male gaze, for fuck’s Natalie Wood version, but the ladies of various ages, body her own “big ego”-- a fake pe- with a script to read afterwards sake. You’ve read Audre Lord, Adam-Sandler/Jack-Nicholson types, and ethnicities, who in- nis attached to her panties. Ah, about the historical signifi cance so you’re not about to go pose rendition from the otherwise fuse their de-robing with music joke’s on you, creep who orders of the piece, which was based for some blaxsploitationist Big forgettable 2003 movie Anger and dance from their native cul- ladies over the internet! In real- on a practice called “plaçage,” Black Booty BlahBlahBlah Management. The humor in the tures as well as spit-in-your-eye ity, such a revealing most likely wherein free black women Bullshit website run by a white song as it was performed in that political messages. would (and often does) result in were “placed with” white men dude who still lives with his piece d’arte was that a man was Their show at Long Island her injury or death --a brutal fact as mistresses. In other words, mom— that is NOT how you angrily singing about girl things University’s Kumble Theatre of life for many trans women it was a form of sexual slavery dismantle the master’s house. (teehee!), but the humor in this past weekend was more of which loomed awkwardly and positioned as a privileged alter- So you could either put down watching Delgado strip to it was a cabaret than straight-up bur- unspoken over Grammafun’s native to typical slave labor. the master’s tools altogether how awkward the re-reappro- lesque. The show was emceed performance. If the juxtaposition of slav- (which, sadly, include your ex- priation was, which strangely fi t by a queer African-American The most effecting act— in ery and sexiness is making you hibitionist sexuality), or, you the angry Latina stereotype to a named Ashley who told jokes terms of eroticism as well as uncomfortable, well, good. could reclaim that instrumental T. The act ended when her fals- about white boys and intro- political commentary— was That’s the goal, and it’s one that sexuality of yours, wrap it in ies and butt pads “accidentally” duced all the acts, including a the penultimate performance Brown Girls Burlesque more pretty political paper, and throw fell out— a revealing that chal- middle-aged rope acrobat, a Sri by a lady named Chillax. She than succeeded at. In truth, dis- it through his fucking windows lenged the audience’s expecta- Lankan slam poet, and a bunch stripped out of her historical comfort and critical thought are (Sorry, porno webmaster’s tions of a curvy Puerto Rican of hard-bodied Brazilian guys garb to Sade’s cover of “Jeze- not anathema to titillation and Mom!) The ladies of Brown woman and a graceful beauty doing the acrobatic martial art bel,” engaging directly with arousal, at least not for those Girls Burlesque have opted for queen. known as Capoeira. As thrill- the white men she’d brought with any glimmer of a social the latter, and it’s as glass-shat- This kind of surprise reveal- ing as these guest acts were, the down to the front row. Despite conscious. Complacency is teringly awesome as one could ing was used to a slightly lesser major highlight in this cultur- it’s blatant confrontation of that what’s not hot, which means hope for. effect by another performer as ally diverse show was still the white het. male gaze, the act was that BGB are setting the stage Burlesque, for those who are well, a larger Filipina woman burlesque skits. Each member most traditional when it came to ablaze. Keep an eye on their unfamiliar, is the artsier cousin who went by the moniker Gram- of the troupe did one or two the stripping off of her cloth- website, browngirlsburlesque. of stripping. It focuses more on mafun. She was wheeled on- performances before coming to- ing: Chillax started with her com (tagline: It’s that serious) how to undresses, than simply stage by a female transvestite in gether for a group strip-tease at gloves, moved slowly (pausing for upcoming performances, being undressed: as such, nip- FedEx garb (an Asian mail-or- the end. While all of the pieces to pose), and used a parasol for and maybe— if that’s your ples and genitals are (almost) der bride with an elaborate bub- were worthy of being featured, cover. There was no “surprise” thing— auditions. never shown, because that’s not ble-wrap wedding dress). The interruption— no falsies fall- october 27, 2010 the paper page 19 Teaching at Brown and Dealing Drugs, all with Edward Norton by Leena Macheril Brady is a marijuana seller in of the region’s dominant drug Brady’s tests in high school in Bill writes dissertations on phi- STAFF PO(E)THEAD the boys’ hometown, Tusla, dealer, Rabbi Rothmaun (Rich- order to pretend that he was losophy and Brady designs and I knew Tim Blake Nelson’s Oklahoma. The movie opens ard Dreyfuss). Brady later one night to get him builds a hydroponic farm which fi lm, Leaves of Grass was going with Bill giving a titillating lec- In order for his plan to work laid in the back of a tow truck. produces top-quality weed. Ja- to be worth the twelve bucks ture on Socrates (which you can however, he needs an alibi and So Brady sets out to handle net (Keri Russell), who is also as soon as I saw the trailer on- almost certainly keep up even who better to fulfi ll that role than risky negotiations with the ex- a poet, references the name- line months ago. Nelson had if you never stay awake in Phi- his identical brother. Of course, tremely shady Rabbi while Bill sake of the fi lm’s title when she already impressed me with his losophy class). We quickly learn Bill has refused to visit Tulsa reconnects with his mother and quotes a beautiful verse from past movies The Grey Zone and that Bill is a notable professor: for twenty years (who blames the local high school (and really Walt Whitman’s book of poetry, Eye of God, critically acclaimed he has published books and is him, really) so Brady fakes his hot) English teacher, Janet (Keri Leaves of Grass while simulta- fi lms that dealt with serious offered a chance to open his own death (by crossbow) and Russel). neously gutting a catfi sh (Bill is questions on the Holocaust and own department Tim Blake simultaneously grossed out and religion, so I was curious to see at Harvard Law Nelson wrote turned on). his take on comedy. I am also a School. It’s hard the screen- Critics of the movie don’t die-hard fan of Edward Norton to imagine his play and I later like the big leap that occurs in (Fight Club, American History origins lie not in learned that the ending and they believe it’s X), a great actor who has never the upper-class, Nelson is also a stretch from the earlier scenes. taken on a fi lm he didn’t appre- silver-spoon a Tulsa native They’re wrong. Be warned ciate or respect. But I got really childhoods of who worked that this movie is greatly infl u- excited when, two minutes be- his colleagues his way up in enced by the work of the Coen fore the movie started, an old but instead, in the dog-eat-dog Brothers (O Brother, Where Art man limped into the theater box, the rural town world of Brown Thou?, The Big Lebowski, Burn asked the audience whether this of Tulsa, Okla- Left to right: Edward University to After Reading). But in the end, was the movie about cannabis, homa. But then Norton as Bill, Walt become a Clas- you can connect Whitman’s and received an enthusiastic we see him act Whitman, Edward sics major. This analogy of writing poetry to liv- “hell yeah” from the crowd. as Brady and Norton as Brady movie is almost ing life in the fi nal events. In Needless to say, it was a good although they a tribute to his his poem, “Song of the Open movie. Leaves of Grass is prob- share similari- hometown. You Road” he writes, “I and mine ably the most intelligent and ties in appearance, their lives lures him from the polished see his nostalgia and affection do not convince by arguments, poetic fi lm you’re ever going could not be more different. walls of academia to the small for Tulsa in the visceral shots of similes, rhymes, / We convince to see that includes Oklahoma, Brady has made a living by town of white trash. Bill gets su- the city, the Arkansas River, and by our presence.” Nelson con- crossbow murders, and mari- selling weed (and only weed, per pissed when he realizes his the surrounding farmlands. He veys this idea throughout the juana. he doesn’t deal with “that other brother is still alive but Brady captures the eccentric air of the fi lm’s screenplay: it’s not the Edward Norton once again shit”) since he dropped out of guilt-trips him into staying by mid-West well by insightfully poetry or the end results that does a terrifi c job—except this high school. But now he has an bringing up Bill’s estranged portraying the Kincaid family matter but the journey that takes time he does it twice. He plays a annoyingly irrational wife and relationship with their 60s pot- and the people they come into you there. Bill and Brady both dual role, twins Bill and Brady a baby on the way and must head mother (Susan Sarandon). contact with. Another great tid- acknowledge this and in the Kincaid. Bill is a Classics pro- fi gure out a way to leave the And it’s not as if switching roles bit is the way Nelson portrays end, you realize they’re not so fessor at Brown University and business and escape the wrath is new to the twins: Bill took the twins as equally brilliant: different after all.

by Alex Kelso truth in the sarcastically hilari- Alien Questions that attempt the time. The thing that makes desires are boiled down to sex STAFF PENSIVE GIGGLE ous pages than we should ad- to tell aliens why we were so satire work is that enough of it and money, and the major issue FACE mit. Essentially, it was The self-contradictory and why it’s is true to make you think. And humanity has is that it tends to Daily Show uncensored in print a bit of a surprise we were the this book defi nitely makes you focus more on banal, everyday I think we’re all familiar form. It took care to offend and dominate species on the planet. think. A decent part of the book bits of life rather than the sheer with The Daily Show with John mock just about everyone in EARTH (The Book) is pretty is about sex and our obsession immensity of the universe. Stewart. It’s funny, hip, rel- America and no one was spared. detailed, with Earth explained and feelings towards it. It gets This book is about $30 and evant, and, for better or worse, EARTH (The Book) takes the as its basic aspects in nature up to a point where one of the Fu- well worth the money. It’s ex- probably where most of Amer- mocking to new levels, offend- to the reasons behind religion ture Alien Questions remarks tremely well written and very ica (myself included) gets its ing just “Man, you funny. The thing that gets me news from. And probably even about ev- guys were the most is the sheer complete- more sobering than this fact is All the kings horses and eryone and horny.” It ness of it. It pretty much sums that it is probably one of the best all the kings men, everything got me up humanity in 238 pages; and sources for the news. But this will be aliens. on the thinking it does it well. Almost no group article is not about The Daily planet. It about how is left out. The biggest issue Show, it’s about the latest thing details hu- sexually I have with it is that it isn’t as to pop out of John Stewart’s manity’s oriented funny as America (The Book), to and the other writers’ funny struggle people are, me at least. I remember laugh- minds. A few weeks ago, the with na- and that ing uncontrollably at some parts writers of The Daily Show re- ture, with frankly of America (The Book). But leased EARTH (The Book) the ourselves, most of maybe that’s because I read it in spiritual successor to their New and our what peo- an election year. EARTH (The York Times bestselling book, constant ple do is Book) doesn’t get me laughing America ( The Book): A Citizen’s sex and a means out loud as much as in fi ts of Guide to Democracy Inaction. masturba- to an uncontrollable giggling. It’s a To those unfamiliar with this tion. The end. The little smirk or snort of amuse- very, very funny book, America book is end be- ment. It’s clever satire, makes (The Book) is a satirical look presented ing sex. you think while smirking. It’s at all things American -- from some- EARTH the thinking that gets in way of our history to our culture, from what as (The Book) the laughing. Perhaps because our politics to the naked forms a textbook as well, but differ- and government. And when I is a great look at the highs and I know more now from EARTH of our Supreme Court justices ently. It is designed as a guide mentioned offending everyone, lows of humanity. It shows the than America (The Book), I (Seriously. They photo-shopped for future aliens visiting our I mean everyone! Almost ev- triumph of our science, tech- more clearly understand its gen- their heads on naked bod- planet after humanity has died ery single aspect of life from all nology, and the stupid things eral message. Or maybe I’m ies). The interesting thing about out. As such, it refers to aliens cultures and religions is mocked we used them for. It shows over-analyzing it. Either way, the book is that it was presented as being our possible destroy- in some way. The pages are our highs of philosophy and the book is defi nitely worth a as a middle-school children’s ers several times. It serves as packed with visual examples of religion and how these were buy. If you like The Daily Show textbook, complete with class- a guide to aliens in an attempt culture, nature, and naked old mostly discussed by stoned col- or The Colbert Report, you’ll room activities, study questions, to understand Earth culture people, this time featuring Larry lege students. It basically por- defi nitely like EARTH (The and other bullshit one fi nds in a and humanity, each chapter King. Of course all of this rib- trays humanity as the bipolar Book). So buy it, laugh a little, textbook. And like with all sa- ending with a series of Future bing is good natured, most of entity it is. Humanity’s basic and think a little. tirical works, there was more october 27, 2010 the paper page 20

the paper’s Halloween Features page is usually a haven for wickedness, debauchery, and silly pictures of Fordham admins Photo- shopped into zombies. In many respects, this issue is no different: after all, Halloween is arguably college’s most kick ass holiday. But in fact, according to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network, “sexual assault is a crime of motive and opportunity, and Hal- loween celebrations can present additional risks and potentially dangerous situations.” We want you to have fun, but, even more, we want you to be safe and help others stay safe.

Below, you’ll find information on the nature of consent, what to do if you or someone you know is assaulted, and, maybe, a little hope. Even if you haven’t experienced rape, getting felt-up at tri-bar, being hollered at on campus, or being afraid to drink the jungle juice because last week your friend got roofied are all very real, very isolating experiences. Remember that you are not alone, that other people recognize how fucked-up our campus culture is and care enough to try to change it.

If this all sounds a bit patronizing, it isn’t intentional. Our campus is brimming with intelligent young people, but it’s not our fault that the only time we encounter sexual assault training in our Fordham career is during freshmen orientation. Or that reporting that you were assaulted is a maze of strange paperwork and uncomfortable conversations. Or that our school sees its current efforts as ad- equate since so few rapes are reported, although taking into account conversations with friends, Department of Justice stats that 1 in 6 women are sexually assaulted and college age women are four times as likely to be assaulted, and Department of Education reports that rape is both the most common and most underreported violent crime committed on college campuses, it’s hardly a stretch to say protocol is inadequate. We need change.

FOR DUDES

People talk about rape as a women’s issue: women need to guard their drinks, women need to walk in packs, women need to dress less “slutty.” But to quote the youth sex resource Scarleteen (www.scarleteen.com), “Some- thing done TO us isn’t really about us.” 99% of assaults are committed by men, and men are at risk as well—at least 10% of assaults are committed against men.

We need to let go of the thought that rapists are scary bogeymen that jump out from dark corners. According to the 2005 National Crime Victimization Survey, 73% of rapes were committed by someone the victim knows: their friend, their partner, their peer. What does this mean? That men taking action is key to ending rape.

The international anti-assault organization Men Can Stop Rape recommends men see themselves as vital allies to their mothers, sisters, and peers by speaking out against rape, supporting survi- vors, and, most importantly, by not allowing themselves or their friends to disregard consent. october 27, 2010 the paper page 21 the paper’s big list

over in the keg line right now, loween only comes once a year, Sexy costumes have never every year: summer ends, and by the paper but oh my god it’s fucking hi- so I have to cram 364 ridiculous held much appeal for me. I September instantly swamps STAFF OF MILLIONS SEV- larious. I don’t know if he made outfi ts into one day, a challenge mean, I can be slutty any old you with getting-to-know-yous, ERAL that headpiece himself, but if I have taken very seriously from day. This year, however, I am parties, papers, tests, it goes on. ell, that Features was he bought it somewhere he se- a young age. going to pull off the ultimate But slowly the humidity recedes, Wpretty intense, huh? riously must have dropped like The excessively outrageous combination of sex-ay and ri- the trees change colors, your Let’s take a detour through our fi fty bucks on it. I’m not even costumes started when I was diculous and go as Gaga. Not classes seem less important and/ favorite sugary, boozey, joyous kidding, that thing is so beyond seven, after I had gotten the the most original idea, sure, but or challenging, and you realize Halloween traditions: dressing legit. He wouldn’t even tell me need to dress like a Disney prin- I will never be twenty-one on it’s fi nally fall. This instantly as outrageous versions of his- what he was going as before the cess or Power Ranger out of my Halloween again, and I would calls to mind everything autum- torical fi gures; inhaling candy party, I guess he wanted it to be system. That year I one-upped never forgive myself it I didn’t nal: apple cider, comfy sweat- corn so as not to chip our now- a surprise—I would never have all of the witches by going as a take this opportunity to wear ers, pumpkin pie, and HOLY rotting teeth; frightening small, guessed that he’d ball out so witch’s brew: a cardboard caul- beer can hair rollers. If you see SHIT HALLOWEEN WHAT xenophobic children with the hard though! a Gaga who bleached SHOULD I BE?? intricately carved masks we’ve Steve usually her mane but not her gi- Everyone gets really excit- collected on our world travels; never gives ant black eyebrows (be- ed, trying to remember all the jamming to Tracy Jordan’s hit a shit about cause caustic shit does ridiculous pop culture phenoms party jam “Werewolf Bar Mitz- holiday-stuff; NOT go near your eyes) they claimed they’ d be for Hal- vah”—you know, the basics. remember at and is munching on loween whenever said celebs, What else does the paper staff the Christmas handfuls of candy while politicians, or TV show char- like best about Halloween? party sopho- kind of wasted, be sure acters did something remotely more year to say “Hi.” I promise interesting. People swap ideas, THAT OLD LADY WHO when he just not to make fun of your ultimately hoping their costume GIVES OUT TOOTH- brought 40’s half-assed slutty cat cos- will generate “Oh, I get it!” s BRUSHES and wouldn’t tume. or come-ons, depending on if What I claim as my “favor- even drink the by Emily Genetta they went the clever or seduc- ite part of Halloween” today eggnog be- CO-EXECUTIVE ED- tive route. And I get all giddy was my least favorite part of cause he said ITOR too, despite consistently com- Halloween while growing up. themed drinks ing up conversationally short I fi rst met that old lady who at parties are BLINGEE when I try to supply my own gives out toothbrushes on the doof and that There are a lot of costume idea (Is Sarah Palin street I was born – each year I he just wanted reasons to love Hallow- still relevant?) Even so, I don’t would ring her doorbell duti- to get drunk? een— perhaps the candy, notice my own unoriginality fully, holding a half-harvested I thought he’d the costumes, the booz- until Halloween night, when I candy crop in my pillow case, totally douche ing—but with all that search my completely average and would be greeted with her out for the Hal- tumult it often goes un- wardrobe of t-shirts and jeans wrinkly smile, full of a few yel- loween party noticed that the geniuses for something at least a little low, rotting teeth I detested for this year but I behind the website Blin- unique. I have this funny shirt their vividness. After spitting guess I under- gee use the occasion to I bought in Chinatown that says praise through her tooth-gaps estimated the add a new collection of fuck on it—what if I went as a for my costume and politely dude. spooky stamps to their girl-wearing-an-ironic-tee… how-are-you-ing my mother, Seriously, look! He’s right dron with cotton steam and vari- already mindblowing collection But, no, I’ll just stay in. I’ll be Mrs. Shames would pull out behind the dude dressed like ous rubber creatures spilling out of sparkles, hearts, and fl ash- the completely-uncreative-girl- one of her 99-cent toothbrushes, the white guy from Pulp Fic- of the sides. Subsequent years ing text. As great as these icons who-has-no-friends-as-a-result. plop it on top my candy moun- tion—fuck, I should have done featured everything from a rep- are, the Halloween set opens up by Sarah Madges tain, always reminded me that that instead of this itchy-ass go- lica Juicy Fruit box to a severed a new world of possibilities for NEWS CO-EDITOR “I don’t want to look like [her] rilla suit…anyway check it out, head on a platter (on a fancy your MySpace profi le pictures when I’m older,” and then shut he’s over by the bathroom now! dining table) to a bird bath. and .gif photo needs. Say, for FREE CANDY the door. I can’t believe I didn’t think of The creme de la creme was my instance, you’ve come across a Halloween is great because Covered in spit with a new that as a costume, it literally eighth-grade fl ower-pot, which series of portraits your school’s it entitled me, as a child, to de- toothbrush, I always left her never even crossed my mind. incorporated a human-sized College Republicans have had mand and realistically expect stoop weighed down by the Only Steve, man, only Steve. foam planter (spray painted to professionally done. Then say complete strangers to read- impending tradition my mother by Skeeter you want to use Blingee ily give me one of my favorite enforced: every year, before I STAFF BETTER to modify those pictures things in the world: candy. Lots could open “even one Tootsie LUCK NEXT before you post them and lots of candy. Every year af- Roll,” I was ordered to use Mrs. YEAR on your newspaper’s ter trick-or-treating, my brother Shames’ toothbrush fi rst. blog (which, hypotheti- and I would empty our plastic When I moved to a differ- I CAN FINALLY cally, might be found jack-o-lantern baskets and com- ent street, Mrs. Shames was DRESS LIKE I at http://fupaper.word- pare our procurements, negoti- replaced with Sharon, an old WISH I COULD press.com), but you’re ating trades and munching away staunchly Catholic woman who EVERY DAMN afraid that without the to our hearts’ content. Favorite gave out her toothbrushes with DAY necessary stamps the candies like Sweet Tarts and an additional comment that I really love images will lack the anything Wonka tended to dis- “Halloween is for teeth-rotting candy, and I al- touch evil they really appear within a few days, leav- pagans.” Because I was older, I ways have. My deserve. Well, when it’s ing behind the surplus of Tootsie could potentially skip over Sha- passion for it never Halloween season you Rolls and other candies from ron’s. But I didn’t – I got a free waned with time. can have access to all the cheaper mixes to lie even- toothbrush every year, along So while getting the blood, fl ames, and tually forgotten in some corner with some humble pie. That old free sugar is al- lightening bolts you’ll of my room. There is nothing lady who gives out toothbrush- ways a major plus, possibly need. Happy quite like the feeling I got after es, if nothing else, taught me candy was never holidays! knocking on a door, patiently how to clean my gutter before the big appeal of by Nick Murray waiting, and being greeted by polluting it. Halloween for me. EARWAX EDITOR a smiling someone bearing a by Kaitlin Campbell Rather, I relished the opportuni- look like terra-cotta) and two gigantic load of sweets. Extra ARTS CO-EDITOR ty to wear the stupid, ridiculous hundred dollars worth of fake PEER PRESSURE points if the person was in cos- things I wanted to wear every- fl owers from Joanne’s Fabric My favorite thing about Hal- tume or had gone to lengths to STEVE’S COSTUME day but my mom and, later, so- (because my parents were so loween is the entire month of decorate their doorway. Holy shit, dude, did you see cial norms would not allow me much more indulgent when they October before Halloween. by Elena Lightbourn Steve’s costume?! I think he’s to. This is a major deal. Hal- were divorced). See, this is what happens CHIEF COPY-EDITOR page 22 the paper october 27, 2009 video channel, I expected to be at least mildly amused by the internet star’s live performance of his Comedy Central special, Words Words Words. Coming out on Comedy Central Re- cords, this new release prom- ised to be just as delightfully of- fensive as his debut album and EP. With hilarious and original songs, his fi rst two records put a smile on the face of anyone not easily insulted by extremely in- sulting things (e.g. a love song called, “The Perfect Woman,” that praises Helen Keller “be- cause she didn’t talk so much.”) The music is still enjoyable and catchy as shit, but it feels like a lot of the same old mate- rial rephrased with less clever wordplay. Burnham is still brag- ast year ‘round this time, vulnerability, and it’s fi ltered Hauschka ter contemplatively fading out, ging about his tremendous pack- Lwe ran a special “fearwax” through Robyn’s confi dent per- Foreign Landscapes “Alexanderplatz” gives way to age and demanding, “Swallow, version of our section. This sona. “If you can hang with Sean Kelly an eerie “Iron Shoes,” with low bitch/there’s people starving in year, we’re bringing you com- me,” the refrain ends, because Like most of his previous horns and plucked strings evok- Africa.” Having aired October edy and pop reviews, but if that there’s no she can’t hang with work, Dusseldorf, Germany’s ing a sense of muted frenzy and 16th on Comedy Central and in- leaves you craving something a you. Hauschka’s (a.k.a. Volker Ber- foreboding. On the third track, cluding two new videos actually little, well, darker, move your But does this album hold telmann) latest release, Foreign “Mount Hood,” Hauschka’s pia- fi lmed in a studio instead of his eyes in this (------>) direction up against the stellar Pt. 1? It’s Landscapes, carefully and me- no fi nally takes center stage for childhood bedroom, the album and check out our attempt to tough to say, as the two are sur- thodically bends the limits of a doleful and plodding air sup- was obviously produced with fi gure out what’s going on with prisingly diffi cult to compare. what orchestral composition ported by off-time and dissonant a bigger-than-usual budget. the Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Pt. 1’s eight songs are more can be. While plucked Though it’s possible that seeing Them All crew of teen rappers sonically diverse, though that’s classical orchestra violins. The Mr. Burnham in high-defi nition and list of songs that will give neither an advantage nor disad- music often ad- then piano simply distracts from the songs you nightmares until it’s time vantage. Because it never stays heres to the cen- remains (afterall, he’s ridiculously hot), for next year’s Halloween issue. in the same place for very long, turies-old formula somewhat it’s more likely that the jokes the album continues to surprise of long, drawn-out hidden un- just aren’t that funny. Robyn and enchant, listen after listen. movements and til the sev- The two videos are for his Body Talk Pt. 2 Thematically, it’s an equally ritualistic formal- enth track, two singles, “Words Words Nick Murray complicated work, progressing ity, Hauschka’s “Early in Words” and “Oh Bo.” The for- Robyn knows how to begin a from the commanding opener work scales down The Park,” mer, while colorful and excit- record. 2007’s self-titled come- to the self-explanatory “Fem- the pomp and cir- when it re- ing, is a bit ridiculous with ran- back LP begins with the surpris- bot,” then onto the resignation cumstance that is turns for a dom shots of a cross-dressing ingly swagger-fi lled Swedish of “Dancing on My Own” and popularly associated with the mysteriously melancholy show male and a unicorn. “Oh Bo,” electropop singer asking, “Are the redemption ultimately found orchestra in favor of shorter, of gingerly played octaves and on the other hand, is cute and you stupid? I told you, no eating in “Dancehall Queen.” intimate pieces that utilize each tense, sorrowful pauses. The entertaining and features the in my Jacuzzi,” Pt. 2 has a instrument to its fullest potential unique sound of that prepared 20-year-old who calls himself and a list of little of that, without becoming overwhelm- piano shines through in both of “the best rapper in the world” gripes (example: particularly at ing. Though Hauschka is prob- these tracks. The feel is techni- dancing around a bowling alley “My PMS is the back end ably best known for his work on cally polished nightclub and killing me/ My when the con- the prepared piano, an instru- yet sonically lip-synching to email is killing fusing feel- ment that utilizes a wide variety raw, and each his narcissistic me” and so on) ings of “Hang of stops and objects placed on note is played pop song, occa- under the title with Me” the strings to augment its sound, so fervently sionally acting “Don’t Fucking are erased by Hauschka nevertheless proves and with such out the silly lyr- Tell Me What “Criminal In- himself a competent composer a sense of ics. to Do” kicked tent” and, oh for all instruments on this, his purpose that Unfortunate- off her subse- hey, a Snoop fi rst release with the 12 piece the listener ly, some of the quent release, this year’s Body Dogg cameo on “U Should Magik*Magic Orchestra. can literally new tunes just Talk Pt. 1. Now we’ve reached Know Better.” No, the album is For Foreign Landscapes, hear the ham- aren’t as funny. I the second installment in this never stagnant, but it is remark- Hauschka decided to keep mers striking saw “Ironic” on three album series (it’s called ably consistent, exchanging the things short—the album’s lon- the strings and the keys hitting the track listing and was pretty Body Talk Pt. 2, as you might twists and turns of Pt. 1 for a gest track, “Trost,” is only one wood. excited for a moment, hoping have guessed), and Robyn again momentum that seems almost second over six minutes. Be- The album continues with for a witty take on the cacopho- comes out strong, this time with unstoppable. No song is under cause orchestra music is of- “Kamogawa,” another eerie nous Alanis Morisette single. “In My Eyes,” an “excuse me I three minutes and thirty seconds ten associated with length, the horn dirge that leads into the Instead, I found an unrelated have to go dance”-type conver- and no song is over four minutes shortening of the tracks has an feverish and somewhat playful song with lines—for instance, sation interrupter fi lled with the and forty. Every song—save the interesting effect: rather than “Children.” The prepared pia- “a water park is burned to the singer’s wonderful, playful, ac- aforementioned acoustic clos- the album being an intercon- no gets another star treatment ground, and a tow truck is bro- tually-sorta-touching lyricism. er—could fi ll a dance fl oor with nected, unifi ed whole, each in “Konseiji,” the penultimate ken down”—that are cringe- “The sun’s gonna shine on all of sweaty bodies. If Body Talk Pt. piece feels like a transient vi- track, before the more tradition- inducing. The title track isn’t us/ We’re all the same, star dust 1 left us asking whether Robyn gnette, a quick glimpse out a al fi nal track, which showcases any less disappointing with its and stuff,” she sings. would be able to do anything train window while traveling the backing strings in all their annoying refrain, “I hate catchy From there, Robyn never lets but disappoint on Pt. 2, Pt. 2 from point A to point B. Com- glor choruses, and I’m a hypocrite.” up. Even after the synths have begs the question of whether pleteness and resolution seem to Honestly, the best jokes are been turned off for the orches- Robyn is capable of a making a be deliberately shirked in favor contained on the non-musical tral closer—and teaser for the disappointment at all right now. of brevity, and the end of each tracks fi lled with the witty ban- next album—“Indestructable,” For the sake of dance parties ev- track leaves the listener curious ter often found on live albums. she still punctuates the track erywhere, let’s hope not. as to the meaning of what was In a mock prayer, he points out with an urgency and focus. The previously heard while the next that Jesus is God’s “only son,” standout track, however, is un- little slice of dreamy ephemera and we are all God’s children. doubtedly “Hang with Me,” an begins its short run. Thus, he reasons, in God’s eyes, acoustic number that appeared The album begins with “we’re a bunch of girls, so help on Pt. 1 but is here given the the wistful “Alexanderplatz,” us as we struggle with the temp- full, four-on-the-fl oor single which opens with a whining vi- tations of lesbianism. Amen.” treatment. The lyrics are emo- olin line that is gradually joined Bo Burnham The comedian also belts out a tionally complex, as they depict by soft horns and plucked Words Words Words three-and-half-minute diatribe the singer putting herself in a strings before building into a Chloe Rickert on religion entitled “Rant.” He position of vulnerability as she swelling, rhythmic string cho- As someone who actively is a self-proclaimed blasphem- begins a new (not quite) rela- rus accompanied by a lone vio- stalks YouTube celebrities and er, and it’s awesome. tionship. But it’s an optimistic lin shining at the forefront. Af- subscribes to Bo Burnham’s october 27, 2010 the paper page 23 What’s most impressive which means that every song are constantly antagonizing the about the album is Burnham’s will be given the post-Make reader, and their twitter feed is the (f)earwax guide to music for halloween own rise to fame. He started Believe preteen-idiocy/banality- emblazoned with the following posting his songs online in of-white-male-existence fi lter. decree: “They Are Them. We If there’s one problem with Halloween (well, umm, besides what’s discussed 2006, and four years later, after Rivers lacks any sense of Are Us. Kill Them. All. Fuck on pg. 20) it’s that everyone things it’s finally acceptable to play Monster rocking a small part in Funny irony on these songs. For in- Twitter, Only Made This Shit So fucking Mash and an assortment of other terrible gimmicky tunes. Which People, he’s working with Judd stance, “Blowin’ My Stack,” You Fucking People Can Know is really too bad, because there is a ton of great music to play this time Apatow—king of the geeks and track three on False Metal and When We Drop Shit...And Shit. of year. [Obligatory music nerd note: Although Bushwick Bill’s verse on of my heart—on his own script. the point where things really be- Wolf Gang.” But, above all else, “Mind Playing Tricks on Me” begins with Geto Boys trick-or-treating, He’s currently on his fall tour gin to go downhill, opens with OFWGKTA are a distinctly im- remember that it all ends taking place in Bill’s head (“not even close to Hal- and stopped in New York City the line, “Woe is me / ‘Cause mature and perversely humor- loween”) and is thus often misrepresented when called a song appropriate for last weekend for the Pre-CMJ I’m standing in line for the fi rst ous crew. the holiday. ] “Confl ict of Interest” party with time in a very long time.” This Earl Sweatshirt is one of OF- headliner Nada Surf. Still, if he “jerk on [his] way to work” is WGKTA’s younger members. plans on having a successful “pissed off ‘cause no one even Just 16—yes, 16—years old, Three 6 Mafia - Mystic Stylez career, he needs to return to his cares,” this writer included. But Sweatshirt spits with vicious Before the boys in Three 6 Mafia were ridin’ spinners and staying fly, they old form and not that of the lazy the song turns ten tropical fl a- enthusiasm. Earl is at times de- made raps that probably fall into the much-contested “horrorcore” subgenre. Words Words Words. vors of awful during the bridge, pressing, at times impressive, “Mystic Stylez,” which DJ Paul begins by announces his plans to get where Cuomo drops a riff of ste- and just about always troubling. “smoked out, loced,” provides a good jumpoff point from last issue’s list, reotypical Japanese folk melody The lyrics are so violent and but from there things start to get crazy. The couplet: “Mystic styles of the by way of ‘80s hair metal, turn- so detestable, that Earl’s own ancient mutilations/ Torture chambers filled with corpses in my basement,” ing the whole shitstorm into a mother, with whom he on one says it all. cringe-worthy farce. And then song gets into a fi ght after she

there’s the lazily sentimental tries to wake him up for school, “Odd Couple,” complete with sent him to boot camp after a Sun O))) - It Took the Night to Believe rapped breakdown, where Riv- friend unknowingly recom- ers enumerates the differents mended her son’s music to her. As if this music weren’t haunting enough as is, when Sun O))) plays it between him and his signifi cant After several listening sessions live they come out wearing full body robes like a group of Dementors, with other, such as: “I’ve got a PC, of Earl, I can’t help but sympa- smoke machines across the stage cranking on overdrive. We know they can Weezer you’ve got a Mac.” That must thize with Sweatshirt’s mother. be brutal, so before this song starts giving you nightmares it might be in Death to False Metal be so diffi cult for you guys. Re- At points the album reaches your best interest to skip down to song 6. Alex Orf ally, my sympathies. unfathomable levels of gratu- So, what’s going on here? itousness. On the second track, I wish I could say for sure, but also named “Earl,” Sweatshirt Michael Boyd and Gary Remal Malkin - what I do know is that, while celebrates the horrible things listening to “Getting Up and he’d do to the posters behind Theme to Unsolved Mysteries Leaving,” an extra from the up- the 2dopeboyz. He raps, “Try coming reissue of Pinkerton not talking on the blog with your Growing up in the ‘90s, there were few things scarier than taking a sick included here, I noticed some- fucking arms cut off, put in a day from school. Sure, you got to miss class, but you also had to watch thing telling in Rivers’ voice. carpet and watched you get back to back episodes of Unsolved Mysteries on Lifetime. After Bob Barker It’s only a decent track, but auctioned off the ace [?]. Tell came on to show you that everything is groovy in the world, Robert Stack when Rivers sings you can tell Shake’s daughter we’re sorry would remind you that there’s danger lurking around every corner, and that he means it, that there’s an but poppa’s gone….bitch.” The probably rapists too. Ten years later, those opening credits still give me the actual person behind the cheesy lyrics are dizzying. Their vio- chills. Eat your heart out Salem, you’ll never make music that even touches Somewhere in the deepest, lyrics. Nowadays, all I can hear lence is spontaneous and scato- this. darkest recesses of the crip- is a tattooed-on smirk of a guy logical, much like the immoral pling depression Rivers Cuomo who’s “doing it for the kids” escapades of G.C. in Lawrence Sonic Youth - She’s In A Bad Mood suffered from during Weezer’s and giving the people what they Hubbard’s (a.k.a. Rawdog) Real four-year hiatus in the late ‘90s, want. I, for one, wouldn’t think Deal comic series. It’s shock vi- Sonic Youth’s first album opens like a nightmare within a nightmare. something went fundamentally it was such a bad thing if he olence with the intent to humor. Released in 1983, the record, Confusion is Sex, represents the darkest and irrevocably wrong. Maybe went back to painting his house But Earl’s questionable con- extreme of the No Wave canon and plays like a bottomless black pit of it was the devastating ego blow black. tent in no way detracts from frightening drones and chimes. The first track, “She’s In A Bad Mood,” is that came from Pinkerton’s utter his lyrical mastery. He weaves an unsettling marriage of dissonant guitars, pounding drums, and belted failure, both commercially and these violent lines with elo- lyrics. Don’t be fooled - Sonic Youth might have a song called “Halloween,” critically. Maybe all that dark- quence and rhythm. The banter, but their most disturbing soundscape remains the first track off of their first ness (literally, he painted his so obviously the product of a album. walls black and blacked out his proud and hyperactive teenager, windows) spurred a complete projects a bravado that is both change of worldview. Maybe offensive and hilarious. Earl Insane Clown Posse - The Killing Fields the dude just couldn’t handle talks about his violent fantasies, being a sad-sack emo shitbag his frequent masturbation, and I know, I know, but I’d be lying to myself if I didn’t add a little ICP to this who spills his guts all over ev- his grossly chauvinistic mindset list. Coming from a rural, working-class community, I’ve known a few erything he creates, however Earl Sweatshirt with pride and grace. juggalos in my day. When I was, holy shit, when I was 9 years old and my golden the results eventually Earl I know everything about friend Gary and I ceased to be shocked by The Slim Shady LP, he somehow became. The exact catalyst will Alex Gibbons “Earl” is bad. Everything about came across a copy of ICP’s Riddle Box. Neither of us ever donned that remain between Rivers and his the album and the artist and the terrifying face paint (How could I when I would go home and listen to my probably gilded and jizz-cov- collective and the entire fuck- sister’s copy of “Bye Bye Bye” on the downlow?), but ICP will always have ered mirrors, but when Weezer ing generation is reprehensible. a special place in my heart. returned in 2001 with Weezer And we’re all going to die, be- (The Green Album), they came cause Earl Sweatshirt loves rap- back polished, peppy, and re- ping about rape and murder and The Shaggs - It’s Halloween ally fucking shallow. And that drug abuse. But it’s entertaining was back when they were still as shit. Earl, for all it’s disgust- Congratulations on making it through our list of some of the creepiest and decent. ing shamelessness, is a fresh most disturbing tunes we could think of (lucky for you, Bandfield wasn’t Ten years later, and fol- pieces of hip-hop that is a wel- around to suggest any metal...). Your reward is “It’s Halloween” by a group lowing on the heels of a pair come departure (departure is an of girls from Vermont called The Shaggs. It’s hard to say anything about of albums so terrible that they understatement—this music is the The Shaggs between a three letter W-T-F and a pseudo-intellectual collectively make “Pork and Earl is the solo album of off the road, it’s in a ditch, and it thesis about how their music evokes some sort of existential terror. I don’t Beans” sound like a better-than- Earl Sweatshirt, a member of just ran over your dog) from the care to do either, but know that Kurt Cobain called their album Philosophy average Blue Album cut, Weezer the L.A based hip-hop collec- shit my roommate plays or any- of the World his fifth favorite of all-time. brings us Death to False Metal, tive Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill thing you’ll fi nd on a jukebox. a career-spanning collection of Them All. OFWGKTA have b-sides that contextualizes Riv- apparently been tearing up the ers’ monumental ineptitude by hip-hop underground in L.A for placing his shittier tracks from over three years. Their music the mid ‘90s next to the vapid, is characterized by violent lyr- over-processed bile the band ics that often dwell on rape and has been churning out recently. murder and in-house produc- What’s more, Rivers and com- tion, mostly by Tyler, The Cre- pany took it upon themselves to ator, that provides crisp, ethe- re-record some of the older cuts, real beats. On their website they page 24 the paper october 27, 2010