How To Turn Your Woman (Women) Into Your Dream Lover(s)

The ideas shared in this program are simply ideas, beliefs and practices designed to bring out more sexual connection and pleasure. Because every individual different, some of the concepts, exercises or techniques may offend, challenge or surprise you. You are free to choose what works for you and integrate it into your own personal life and sexual or erotic practice. If you have any questions or concerns regarding your mental or physical health, please consult a professional. This work is meant ONLY for consenting and empowered adults. The author and publisher are not responsible for any effects this material may have on the reader or the readers’ partners. All users of this information are beseeched to apply it from a standpoint of love and nurturance, profound respect for yourself and for any partners you may encounter. Please use all physical and emotional precautions to magnify love and pleasure and safety in applying this information to your life and the lives of others. INTRODUCTION

Everybody wants to have his or her fantasies fulilled.

But few people get their fantasies fulilled.

Nearly everybody has sexual desires beyond what they get to experience in their lifetime – which is… tragic.

And the main reason they don’t get what they want is that so few people ask for what they want.

In this program, I will show you not only how to ask for what you want, but also how to cultivate yourself AND your lover(s) so that they…

(1)open more deeply to you, (2)feel safe (3)become eager to fulill your sexual fantasies (4)open to more adventurousness and new edges (5)feel encouraged to ask for what they want and push their sexual edges…

All of which should open up whole new dimensions for you.

By your learning how to do these things in this book – your lover(s) will be on the path to become the best lover they can be for you.

The best lover you’ve ever had.

Your dream lover.

And – bonus here – you will grow into becoming the best lover they have ever experienced.

This is not a program for the timid, nor for the piggishly selish. It is not a book for revenge nor is it for damaging, wounding or hurting your lover(s).

It is, in fact, the exact opposite. This is a program that is designed to open both you and your lover(s) to primal, emotional and deeply connected openness, freedom, surrender, acceptance, healing, bliss and fulillment beyond your previous imagination.

You can apply what I offer here for your multiple lovers, if that is your life, or for your one beloved. There is no judgment in this program for your preferences, your kinks, your true desires – as long as your sexual interactions remain between two consenting and empowered adults – and you come from your best place of love rather than cruelty.

In other words, from the best man that you are.

Because what you have before you is not merely a manual for sexuality; it is a guide for living in erotic immersion, profound minute-by-minute- gratitude and, really, human grace.

What most people don’t admit – or are afraid to admit - is how the realm of sexual desire is where we get unmasked. And the happy surprise is that, beneath the fear, we all yearn to be unmasked.

This is where your advancement into a true connoisseurship of erotic and sexual mastery really begins. With this knowledge…

We all want desperately to live our truths and be seen – and wholly accepted – in our truth. This goes for you and for your lover(s).

But, in our workaday, family and even marriage worlds – we slap on our social masks. Sometimes they protect us - especially for women, who are rightfully cautious about seeming too openly or availably sexual in public. Sometimes they suffocate us.

So here’s where we begin…

If you want to experience amazing, mind-blowing, startlingly connected sex, you need to peel off those social masks with your lover…

… and open yourself to a whole new kind of erotic language, a new vulnerability, a recovered, unmasked openness – so that your partner can connect with the masked truths of who and what you most beautifully, genuinely, achingly are.

And what you are – at core – is the desire to just inally love and be loved, without fear, without holding back, without limit.

You can accomplish this with your lover(s) only in an ecosystem that you create… of safety.

As the man who evinces natural masculine authority, the man she looks to for leadership, in order to cultivate the best lover in her – you’ve got to help her drop her masks so she can let go and offer you those hidden primal parts of herself.

Parts of herself, by the way, that although she often won’t admit in polite company – she is dying to express and experience with a man she can trust.

When I say, “trust” – I mean trust that you take her physical and emotional safety seriously, and will not damage her willingly or unconsciously, to your best ability.

And when I say, “dying to express,” I do mean dying. Most people in our repressed, constricted, work-obsessed society, with all the religious shame that has been vomited over our heads – are dying inside.

Dying because they are not living their sexual truths. Dying because they know that there are people having great and exciting and even profound erotic experience, but for lack of courage, or lack of self-love, or foully induced religious shame, are sitting on the sidelines as their precious lives tick by.

I don’t want you to be one of those people. There are enough miserable, frustrated people on this planet. And they cause trouble for others as well as themselves.

I want you to be one of the elect few – men who respect themselves enough to ask for and to go for extraordinary experiences in this lifetime – and that includes, often right at the core – awesome sex.

This manual is speciically about how to turn your woman (women) into your best lover ever, your “fantasy lover.” Almost everyone has securities. Yes, even beautiful women – especially beautiful women because they know, deep inside, that their attention, popularity and success has been hinging on a diminishing asset – their looks.

So a woman often wants to prove to you that she is a capable and imaginative lover, that she “knows what she’s doing.”

You will probably ind, especially among young women in their early 20’s that they will do things to you that are daring and edgy. They will swallow you whole and still ind room to lick your undercarriage clean, while holding a mouthful. They will be more aggressive with anal pleasure, with crazy positions and with verbal cries and dirty talk.

Why? Well, yes, irst, they want to prove themselves.

Second, they have probably learned about sex mostly from porn. And while this has its advantages in terms of giving them inventive ideas and making them more adventurous and willing to try new things, there are also great disadvantages.

Because porn is so “outer-” or “show” focused, younger women will often be disconnected during sex. Not only disconnected from you as they thrash and scream as they have witnessed online…

.. but importantly – disconnected from themselves.

And it is your opportunity – your privilege really – to bring them back into their bodies, to bring them present – to make them present to their true bodies and desires as well as to you during sex.

If you’ve been with enough women, disconnected sex can get pretty dispiriting. The real joy of sex is in the dance of two awake consciousnesses exploring, thrusting, retreating, daring, connecting, playing, communicating, nibbling, tasting, guiding, surrendering and in all ways discovering each other.

Two bodies “getting off” with each other is nice, sure, like a fast-food meal when you’re hungry.

But it’s hardly the feast that sex can offer. This program in your hands is your invitation to the feast.

There is so much more waiting for you - as well as for her.

But this book is not about you waiting for things to happen to you.

It’s about you taking the lead – the enlightened lead, the nurturing lead, and often the dominant lead – to help cultivate the most generous, adventurous, trusting lover from the women in your life and bedroom.

You can not only teach her about the physicality of sex, you can teach her how to receive pleasure, cherishment and love – feelings that are far deeper and far more satisfying than mere touch and physical sensation.

Note: if you want your lover to grow more and more devoted to your pleasure, to making your erotic dreams come true – then what I have just said may be the most important instruction you will get in this entire program.

You are with her not merely to fuck her. You have to opportunity to “fuck her open” – that means, very seriously – through your caring, aware, informed and sure, guiding hand, you can open her to whole new experiences of self- acceptance, self-love, healing and connection not merely to you, but to love itself.

To life itself.

To inally feel that she “belongs” here on Earth and, if only for the moment, feels to be part of the love that is available.

This may be the noblest gift you ever give in your lifetime.

To not only enjoy women – which I wholly encourage and embrace – but also to heal women. They carry a lot of pain, and the more you can help them release painful memories and fear, and then replace that with cherishment and new levels of pleasure, the happier your world will be.

I strongly believe that you – as you cultivate the practices that you will ind in this program and all its accompanying bonus reports and guides, that you can live an entirely new life… … your life as an erotic continuum, in the bedroom and out.

… your life as a giver and receiver in the bedroom of the most exquisite sexual pleasure, lived by you as openness, authenticity, daring, trust, iercely true communications and, yes, love. Love in all its variations. From simply cherishing the exquisite creature before you and wanting to give her a one- time experience that she will always treasure – to lifelong devotional love.

This book is divided into three sections:

1. Foreplay – which in my world is a delicious 24 hour game to play with your lover(s)

2. Sex – where you will learn to both lead and submit, and to draw out your and her desires with both a sense of ierce daring and trustable safety (the magical combination), and

3. Afterplay – wherein you integrate your lover(s) back into the non- sexual but lovingly erotic everyday world so that you keep the ire burning….

Master these three areas as laid out in this book and you will not only be the greatest lover she has ever had, but you will guide her into being the generous, adventurous fantasy lover you have always dreamed of.

I often write that romantic or erotic love is a mere “slice” of the pie, not the pie itself.

The true pie is love.

And erotic and sexual joy that you will learn how to create in this program, it is my hope, will inform your entire life. Will deepen your heart, your ability to enjoy this world and share your joy with others. Not only in the bedroom – but also in all areas of your life.

People having happy sex tend to be happier people.

And the world can really use happier people. Let’s start with you.

Enjoy this journey and email me your discoveries and success stories…

Adam Gilad Foreplay

The Foreplay That Never Ends

I hate the term, “sex life.”

I don’t believe you have a “sex life” that is separate from your “life-life.”

The term “sex-life” and the ixation on sex in our culture is a symptom of a larger disease. And this disease is that almost everybody is dissociated from his or her body.

This is the beginning of shame. And shame, to me, is as destructive as any hatred – worse even because it is taught hatred of herself.

It starts with our inherited mainstream Western religious traditions, and the damnable division between lesh and spirit that it has been foisted upon us. It’s a crime.

By contrast, goddess worship and sacred sexuality traditions such as Tantra and Taoism understand (its freaking obvious to them) that we are one integral unit – call it “mind-body,” “incarnated spirit,” “embodied soul.”

We live in our bodies, we dream in our bodies, we experience consciousness in our bodies and we love in our bodies.

So let’s stop shitting on the body and saying that it’s something different or “other” than soul or spirit. Each feeds the other in a never-ending Mobius strip. Hormones affect emotion. Glands affect insight. Motion jogs creative revelations. And yeah, the brain, by the way is a physical blobbly “thing.” Body and spirit are intertwined inextricably, two expressions of one life living itself. To believe otherwise is an illusion.

To curse one while aggrandizing the other is not only stupid, but injures your expression of both you body and your soul.

You body is your feeling-smelling-tasting-seeing-hearing sensory vehicle and you take it with you wherever you go. Including into the bedroom, but not only into the bedroom. Which means that erotic experience is available to us wherever we go.

When we stop a moment on the street, close our eyes and listen to humanity around us. In feeling the materials that touch our skin, the sweet and tangy food that passes slowly over our tongues, the loral and feminine aromas we pass.

Eros is everywhere. It is the immersion and feeling of the sensual fullness of being part of the low of life.

My friend, Marc Gafni, the extraordinary mystic, teacher, renegade rabbi and PhD philosopher writes that in our culture, the erotic “is exiled into the sexual.” By that he means that people have taken all the glorious possibilities of living erotically alive moment-to-moment and reduced it to - and imprisoned it in - the bedroom.

What a waste! In this book, you are going to liberate Eros from the bedroom and learn how to suffuse your lovers’ life with pleasure360 – which will liberate her to be the most erotic and generous lover you have ever experienced. And not just in the bedroom…

Gafni also wisely says that “the sexual models the erotic, but it doesn’t exhaust the erotic.”

I want you to really get the depth of this statement…

By this he is saying that yes, in the throes of sex, we get to FEEL the pleasure that is available to us but also the connectedness to the life force that we can feel every single moment of our lives. That sense of belongingness I talk about elsewhere in this program.

Some people call it “connecting to the divine.” Others call it “fucking ourselves open to God” (see the writer David Deida for that.). Others call it “spiritual sex.”

Whatever you want to call it – it’s a connection to something bigger and more inclusive than our mere little personalities and egos. It’s why people scream out during sex “Oh God!” and not “Oh reason!” or “Oh ego!” And by the way – here’s a thought that will blow your mind – and the mind of your lover…

The other thing people scream out during sex is the name of their lover (hopefully your name while you’re in bed with her).

And the deepest truth of sex is that in this moment of bliss and abandon – “Oh God!” and “Your Name Here” are one and the same.

In other words…

Through your individual body and being, she is tasting the allness, the fullness of her body and being and the universal low of life. Both you and “the divine” are, in this moment, one and the same.

For that one exquisite, sustained moment – her tiny worries disappear and she feels dissolved into oneness with everything, complete, free and liberated.

[note: I really don’t like the word, “God” – it has so many meanings and so much cultural baggage and awful associations, but I will trust you know what I mean: whatever that animating force is that drives the lower, that blooms the ields, that animates life and connection and wonder and love. I don’t think it has a name that we know. And I’m pretty damned sure it’s the “God” that most people talk about. Maybe the best word is “Source,” plain and simple, which I get into later in this book].

The key point here is that you can cultivate yourself to be an alive and awake erotic being 24 hours a day – and by doing that – cultivate your lover to be the same.

It begins with, what I call “foreplay with yourself.”

No, I don’t mean diddling yourself. Not at all. I am going to open up your idea of foreplay. Remember, as we just learned, “sex does not exhaust the erotic.” Neither does sexual foreplay exhaust erotic foreplay. I mean erotic foreplay as a continual opening of your senses and the expansion of your emotional capacity to give and receive pleasure and love.

This is a practice. Daily. Hourly. Moment-by-moment if you want to excel. And for now, it’s just for you.

So that you become a connoisseur of these things: giving and receiving pleasure and love.

This is your magniicent 24-hour opportunity..

Do it and you will become a better lover. You will be more sensitive, more aware of sensations during sex – and better able to awaken your lover to the sensations she may be missing if she “checks out” or thrashes-by-rote to impress.

And part two of this process is that foreplay with her is also a 24-hour activity.

In this program, we will explore all the ways you can cultivate a sense of connection with her – even when you are not in the bedroom. You can do this playfully, sexually and protectively. You can even do it by HOW you are not connecting with her at a given moment.

By this I mean your absence from her can be felt by her as your failure, as your unconsciousness or distraction or laziness.

Or by contract, if you carve out your absence from her by establishing clearly intended boundaries that serve your higher purposes – your need to work undistracted, your devotion to helping your family, your community or to pursue your own personal joy, adventures or development – then if she is not hopelessly needy, she will feel your absence as an “erotic absence.”

Where her man is doing something noble and necessary. Which is sexy to her, even if she wants you close.

Throughout this program – before, during and after sex – I will give you practices to hone your erotic animal – so that you are able to lead your women with a sure touch and authority. Physically, emotionally and spiritually.

In many ways, you will discover that your “sexing” will be a doorway to a whole new kind of erotic continuum and reintegration in your own life. This disease of “sexual” dissociation is really part of a bigger cultural disease. People split up their lives into sex-life, work-life, home-life, social-life and, most painfully, fantasy-life – and don’t connect them together.

If you do this, it is not your fault. Our society compartmentalizes people. It wants to make you a “productive worker” and a “consumer.” In the Jeffersonian days, it wanted to make you a “citizen-scholar” on the idealized Greek model. These are useful goals.

But never – ever – has our normative society wanted to make you an integrated, 24 hour erotic being moving through all your various responsibilities yet never losing your erotic center (there are notable exceptions, as in much post-feminist writing and in the 60’s, through the work of Norman O. Brown among others).

And it’s a pity, isn’t it!?

Because it’s a helluva way to live!

One inal note, before we get into cultivating a connoisseurship of bodily pleasure. Every way in which you or your lover(s) will be held-back, constricted, limited and frustrated in your pleasure is precisely the shape and presence of unlove in and for your bodies.

In other words, exactly how and as much as you or she does not love her body is exactly how the extent to which you will cripple your ability to dive deep together and experience the heights and depths of sexual pleasure, fantasy and connection that you are about to learn in this book.

Now, I understand that all of us demean and judge our own bodies and wish this thing were bigger, that thing were smaller, the other thing was irmer or rounder or more sculpted.

But the only way forward is to love your imperfections as merely a vehicle of your ability to offer and feel love – REAL love - as a human being.

And in that context, yes, of course, eat healthier, work out more and smarter. Get leaner and more vital. But do that within the frame of love. Loving the gift of your body – wholly apart from any perceived “imperfections” - as a vehicle of ininite pleasure and ininite love.

I’m not saying it’s easy and you can lip a switch and do it now. But I am saying that you can cultivate this way of being. Be aware of your self-denigration as soon as you hear those thoughts arising within you – and replace them with the thoughts above, and the thoughts you will hear and absorb throughout this work.

Becoming a Connoisseur of Eros

You ind a natural embrace of 360 degree erotic living it in certain South American countries – subcultures in Brazil and Argentina and Uruguay. And of course, you ind it in pockets in Italy, where life is just considered a delicious meal in which to indulge.

You also see it by the way, in how poets have been lionized in the past, and rock stars now. For these people, it’s just obvious that music, the poetry of language, food, drink, sex, laughter are all one possible continuum.

Now, it has to be said that the “disease” of dissociation makes the “rock-star” version of this dangerous and self-destructive. Maybe because feeling free to live an erotic 24-hour life is such an anomaly in our culture that they feel so “strange” among the rest of us, and their lives often take a dark turn. Intoxication, destruction, overdosing, numbing, fury (Jimi, Morrison, Hutchins, Winehouse, Cobain) – these represent the shadow side of Eros – and not what we are after here.

I point this out because for a man in our culture, to pursue the excellence of becoming an erotic connoisseur may be seen with suspicion. Men who are REALLY dissociated from their erotic bodies, who are caught up in anti-erotic ideologies or who are afraid of their own sexuality – will consider it “feminine” or “suspicious.”

Frankly, it’s their loss.

You are after a much happier, fulilling and pleasurable life. In fact, my goal for you is that I want you to emerge from this book as an erotically embodied man – meaning that you are living Eros in your body, and as much as possible, in your conscious mind - no matter where you are.

So that you’re not merely thinking about being an erotic connoisseur, or fantasizing about it. You’re feeling it – and if you’re not feeling it – you can “turn it on” – you can feel it in any moment – in a second - if you so choose.

How much more sexy, by the way, do you think women will ind you then?

Cultivating Your Sensual Awareness

Anais Nin was an astonishing writer in the 1930s and beyond. She is probably best known for her relationship with Henry Miller – and her diaries inspired the sexy movie, Henry and June (which you should watch!)

Along with a group of writer friends, she was engaged to write erotica for an unknown collector.” But this anonymous collector kept sending her instructions to reduce the “poetry” of her erotic stories and just write about the sex act. “Why would you do that,” she asked…

“… when you could enjoy a harem of distinct and never-repeated wonders…no two hairs alike, but you will not let us waste words on a description of hair; no two odors, but if we expand on this you cry Cut the poetry! No two skins with the same texture, and never the same light, temperature, shadows, never the same gesture…

… if you have closed your senses to silk, light, color, odor, character, temperament, you must be by now completely shriveled up. There are so many minor senses, all running like tributaries into the mainstream of sex, nourishing it….”

God, I love that woman. Not only can she feel the world erotically as well as anyone, but her writing is powerful, sensual and inspiring.

So in this section, we are going to take a cue from Ms. Nin – and cultivate both the minor and major sensual “tributaries” into sex.

Before we even get to “making” your lover into your fantasy lover, let’s focus irst on cultivating your erotic awareness. Both, so you can feel pleasure and be more responsive to your lovers and also so you can teach, lead and open her into the kind of experiences that you most desire.

You can’t teach her what you don’t know.

Oh yeah – one third advantage of these “sensual connoisseur” practices – you actually get to be a more erotic being and enjoy the pleasures that this gorgeous world offers you!

And that, frankly, is the both the root and the ultimate prize.

Cultivating Sight

Of all the senses, sight most drenches you in constant, conscious information. Every time you open your eyes, thousands of bits of data shoot through your irises and get parsed by your brain.

You have evolved to seek usable information. Namely – danger, nourishment, advantage, sex. You know, the basics.

Here are some practices to move beyond scanning for the basics…

To become the lover you want to be and to lead your lover into being the lover you want her to be, take three long slow breaths, relax your entire body and then soften your gaze. Almost like putting Vaseline on the lens like they used to do for movie starlets in the old days. Open your vision so that you are feeling your peripheral vision as just as central as that which is directly in front of you.

Now, instead of scanning for usable data, as we habitually do, “feel” for textures, for the play of light and shadow, for the subtleties of color.

Do you see the shimmering of the underleaves on that tree? The play of shadow on the sidewalk?

Wake up to life around you – whether it’s the sparkling happy eyes of a passing dog, the grain of wood on a table in front of you, the shapes of buildings one against another, and of course – the ininite play of light and bulk in the clouds above you. Now practice softening your gaze as you “feel” some random women. Can you take in and “feel” the swooshing motion of that woman’s skirts against her thighs? Can you see the golden hairs on her legs, barely visible, catching the light of the sun like a spider’s web?

What about her hair? Can you see the way it has sheen here, and not there? Can you see the modulations of color, strands that are hi-lit, and strands that are darker? Can you see the way her hair tapers at the end, because she’s got a great hairdresser?

What about all the subtle color variations of just her naked lips? The pinks, the whites, the blushes of deeper red? The shadows of the tiny creases?

Every day – as often as you can – immerse yourself in visual stimuli and feel the subtlest shifts and variations both as you gaze as women and as you simply drink in the world.

Then, when you come to your lover, you will see so much more, you will notice so much more, you will cherish the visual wonderland of her body so much more – and because you see more, you will be able to SHOW your lover how ininitely beautiful she is in ways no other man has ever shown her.

You will be able to run your inger along her collarbone and reveal to her how sexy are the soft shadows of the hollows above them are. You will reveal to her the subtle colors within her eyes, the curve of her neck beneath her hair, the complex allure of her lips.

Shallow lovers go right for the tits and the pussy.

A great lover lingers on the beauty of all of her, slowly, slowly drinking her in, opening her up, turning her on by revealing just what a miracle of beauty every inch of her is

When you open her up this way, her sexual energy will build and build and build…

… and you will never be stuck with a “dead-ish” lover again. This is how by awakening your eyes and awakening her eyes, you awaken the untapped sexuality of your lover. Tip: consider taking an oil painting class. You will discover and “feel” how color and texture mix and blend, bleed and vanish – and its all created right at the end of your ingertips.

Or, whenever you can, take a guided tour of museums. If the paid guides go on too much about history or inluences – hire yourself an artist! Go on Craigslist or wherever else artists hang out - art schools, I guess, art classes – and pay an artist whose work you feel is sensually alive to give you a private tour of a museum or of art galleries – with the sole purpose of awakening your eyes and your ability to see!

Oh, and if this artist happens to be a scorchingly beautiful and sensually alive woman, well, I’m certainly not going to blame you for hiring her.

Cultivating Taste

Have you heard of the slow-food movement? It’s been catching on. Google it.

Another disease of modern life – and one that bleeds our natural and happy erotic birthright - is the awfulness of most of the food we are given.

Let’s start with fast food – by deinition, something that serves speed, and not sensual pleasure (or nutrition for that matter). I once did a creative consultation for McDonalds, and part of my job was to taste their burgers and all their competitors – and do a full assessment of the entire experience.

I dragged my kids with me to get their input and they were disgusted at some of what people eat every day.

Listen, when you eat fresh, grass fed beef – you will come to wretch at a Burger King Burger! When you pick blackberries on the Vancouver Island coast and feel them explode in your mouth, you will cry over the bland and bitter facsimiles you buy at the supermarket. This goes 10x for strawberries – I mean it is absolutely criminal to taste what has been lost from natural, organic explosively juicy strawberries (my grandmother had a farm, so I take this one personally)!

Next, lets look at all the processed foods we are given. Cereals, mixes, processed juices, breads riven through with chemical preservatives. These kill pleasure. They satisfy the stomach, they make you feel full – that’s how they are engineered – to make you feel fat and happy and sleepy.

In order to cultivate your taste as much as possible – return to natural, fresh organic fruits and vegetables, the highest quality organic meats, fresh seafood.

And don’t just eat these things – savor them! The very word savor comes from the root, “to taste.” Slow down! Take ive minutes to eat a strawberry and let all its complex tastes ill your mouth (I will show you how to do this with your lover in the next section).

And wine! Without falling for the “show” of wine-tasting – ind yourself a wine bar or go to wine country and slowly, with exquisite sensitivity to the shifts of lavor and texture in your mouth, taste the glory that is Barolo or Bordeaux or a rich red Zin.

As a matter of fact, it was a St Francis ’97 zin that heralded the end of my then marriage. It woke me up to how unhappy my body and soul had been. We were at the house of a music director here in Hollywood for some family oriented party – with lots of kids running around. He is a great wine expert and showed me this bottle (only 17 bucks by the way – I went out and bought a case then next day.)

When I touched it to my lips, my whole body illed with the most full, robust warmth and pleasure. I was amazed. Awed. I asked him if I could take the bottle and I settled into his dark library and for the next hour, I made love with that bottle! I just sipped and savored and rolled it in my mouth, feeling how now my tongue, now my inner cheeks, now my lips were caressed by the shifts in lavor and texture.

This was a new experience for me. A surprising and erotic experience. I had never really thought much about wine.

When my then wife found me sitting in the dark, she yelled at me for being anti-social. All I could do in my bliss state was cry out… “But… I’m happy!”

And that was the beginning of the end. I realized right then how unhappy I had been in my body all these years with her. But that one bottle of wine was also the beginning of an entirely new life of erotic pleasure for me – on every level.

The same goes for true gourmet chocolates! Don’t waste your time with Hersheys and garbage chocolate. Find a chocolatier and savor – and share with your lovers – exquisite trufles that explode pleasure into your mouth.

One of my happiest recent memories was spending 3 days in bed over the course of my birthday with a young lover – and every day we went out – mostly to buy a new bag of Godiva trufles. J

A couple of inal notes: too much sugary sweetness can desensitize your palette. So much so that when you encounter a genuinely exquisite sweet dessert (and I’ll show you how to put these to use in the bedroom), you won’t appreciate it as deeply.

So try to cut back on junk sweets. Store-bought cookies, sugary soft drinks and pseudo-juices. Bring your mouth back to neutral – so that when you DO have an amazing gelato or red velvet cake – your whole being will glow in full- body pleasure.

Also, by the way, I have read that coffee has more complex lavors than even the best red wine. Great coffee is as far from regular coffee as making love with Paris’s leading courtesan would be from whacking off over an old copy of National Geographic. Spend the little extra on gourmet coffee that loats your boat. The brilliant Steve Asprey at BulletproofExec.com has been talking about his super-deluxe coffee which, believe it or not, is brewed with butter – and is apparently a whole new level of awesome. I don’t know because I haven’t tried it yet, but it’s on my list of to-dos.

Cultivating Smell

Have you noticed that women wear perfume?

Have you noticed that their hair, if they take care, can smell like strands of an erotic dream? I mean, I can remember speciic moments in 7th grade when I would get a nose-full of the cherry-scented shampoo of Lisa Shapiro on the camp bus. I remember exactly the moment and how I felt as if I wanted to take her right there in the bus seat. Except I didn’t know how to do that. As you probably know, smell is the sense that is the most immediately processed by the brain. Take a draught of a dozen roses, or a sweet pussy, or a beautifully cooked meal and your whole mental state can shift!

In the bedroom, you want to bring olfactory experiences to your lover (irst and foremost you want to shower and not stink although some women love the musk of a man – go igure) in the bedroom. But, as with all the senses, you want to cultivate your own “nose” ahead of time.

See the movie “Perfume” and read the book. You will discover, just as I did, how dull an olfactory erotic life we lead.

Literally stop and smell the roses. That’s one of the best pieces of advice ever given – it should be one of the ten commandments! It's a way of saying – enjoy your erotic life – live an erotically awakened life!

Make a practice of lower-smelling. Women will ind you charming, although most men – jealous inside because they will sense that they are missing out on an erotic experience even if they can’t articulate – will be perplexed and challenged.

In a public garden, close your eyes and inhale each lower. Allow yourself to sense how each one is different. There are amazing variations of sweetness and pungency. (by the way, while you’re at it, if you can touch lower petals, particularly rose petals to your lips without getting arrested, do that, too).

Then see if you can put words on the variations of aroma. Whatever feels right to you. See if you can identify them with your eyes closed or blindfolded (you will see how this little exercise comes in handy in the bedroom in the next part of this program).

Here’s another practice. Go to your local upscale department store - Nordstroms, Bloomingdales, whatever – and head for the perfume and the cologne counters. Ask the nice young lady to help you test different aromas so that you can igure out what appeals most to you. Ask her what her favorites are and try to feel what she feels when you inhale this perfume and the next.

In other words – expand your nasal palette Note: if the young lady behind the counter happens to be an exquisite young thing who has no plans this Saturday night – I will the last one to shake my inger at you.

Take this practice into the world with you. Ever since that 7th grade moment, believe me, I inhale beautiful women as they pass by. I want a full inhale of their perfume, their shampoo, their creams and oils and ointments – the whole bouquet of them. Imagine how seductive it is when you can comment on how she has affected you, just by her perfume, and how you can identify what it is (by scent or by sensual impression, I don’t mean by brand name)

Any woman who knows her beans, wants a man who is erotically alive and awake and who notices the little things.

Do these exercises and be that man.

Another note: want more ways to awaken your erotic olfactory experience of the world. Throw out your store-bought mass-market soaps, shampoos and body- washes and replace them with handmade or artisinal soaps. Fill your bathroom and salve your body in eucalyptus and lavender, musk and cinnamon. Not only will you feel more sensual and awakened, when women inhale you or visit your restroom, they will be sensually affected and attracted to you, you connoisseur of the nose, you.

Cultivating Hearing

You can probably guess what I am going to say by now…

That there is so much crap music in the world, we have lost our ability to hear the subtleties of the glory of great music.

If you guessed I was going to say that – you are a smart guy.

Another thing – the white noise of our industrial digital environment – it’s awful, it ills our heads with unerotic blather and roars. So much so, that I urge you to reclaim your ears.

In fact, right now, as I tap out these words, I am sitting in the airport in Medellin, Columbia. And though while I am savoring a cold beer, gazing at the lush, cultivated jungle hills in the distance, taking in eyefuls of the sexy paisas (local girls) as they strut by on their long legs and sporting their enhanced breasts and full Latina lips – yes, even though I am immersed in the sensual stew all around me, I am irked by the roar of jet engines just outside (not great insulation here) and even more so by the blaring TVs looming over every seating area. What happened to “silence is golden?”

It’s too often swallowed up in the static of electronic white noise culture.

So here are some practices to train your ears into connoisseurship…

1: The John Cage Effect

For one week, I was lucky enough to spend whole days with John Cage. Cage, who died recently, was one of the most profound and famous composers of the 20th Century. Not because he wrong lush orchestral pieces, but because he put mufling boxes and strange doo-dads inside pianos to alter sound, welcomed “chance” into any live concert and was exquisitely alive to the reality that “everything is music” and also for his avid mushroom collecting.

Drawing on his deep Buddhist practice, he would create spaces for music to happen. Most famous is his piece 4’33 seconds – which consists of the pianist sitting down on his bench and doing nothing for exactly that period of time.

What happens? You start hearing all the noises that occur around you that you never notice! This hilarious and revelatory piece literally wakes you up to your ability to hear again.

That is what you must do. Close your eyes from time to time and let all the myriad of sounds around you lit and ilter through your head. Hear it ALL. Don’t block it out, just feel all the sounds as they rise and fall.

Become a connoisseur of sound in all its forms. The voices. The baby crying. The brakes screeching. The birds tweeting. A distant dog barking. Your own heartbeat. Unidentiiable machine hums and growls. The rustling of leaves. The wind in your ears. All of it is music. Wake up to it.

2: Reconnect With Music – Make Slow Love To Music

As you cultivate your ability to hear the chance of the world – also cultivate an ear to hear the subtleties of the greatest music ever made. Yeah, yeah, I know, it’s a matter of taste, but try to “feel” something when you sit and close your eyes, and let these pieces of music ill your body and soul. I have chosen these for their subtlety.. all the slight changes and nuances. A long way from the Black Eyed Peas (who I also love, by the way, just not as a trainer of my hearing connoisseurship).

1. Beethoven’s 9th Symphony 2. Chopin’s Nocturnes (unparalleled in my experience) 3. Ave Maria 4. Bach’s Goldberg Variations 5. Mozart’s playful Sonatinas and Concertos 6. Verdi Arias (without the long boring bits of recetitivo – all that talky stuff) 7. The soundtrack to Oh Brother, Where Art Thou 8. The soundtrack to Leaving Las Vegas (Sting sings – it’s awesome) 9. Miles Davis – almost anything 10. Coleman Hawkins – almost anything 11. Bird 12. Billie Holliday – anything 13. Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong Duets (pure joy and ebullience in sound form) 14. Diana Krall, Sara Vaughan, Sinatra (listen to how he “makes love” to vowels, listen to his breath) 15. Copeland’s Appalachian Spring 16. Segovia on guitar 17. Ravi Shankar on Sitar. 18. Pink Floyd’s The Wall ( I consider it one of the great art pieces of the 20th century – it ALWAYS has an emotional impact on me) and Dark Side of the Moon.

That’s just a start and that’s just my list.

Do you want to get an idea of other great music? Here’s a nifty trick. When you see a proile of a beautiful woman online who you ind sensual and intriguing, the kind of woman you want to meet – check out her list of favorite music. Then go listen to it. Eyes closed. Undistracted. Not merely with your ears, but with your whole being. Let the music ill your body. This is a practice that opens up your whole body as an ampliier.

Think that might come in handy in the bedroom? Think that might be something you can teach a woman to do – and have her be grateful and turned on by your lead?

3. Isolation Tanks

Have you ever been in absolute silence? Can you imagine taking the chunky sound-soup around you back to zero? It’s not so easy. Even in your bedroom, your electronics might be humming annoyingly.

When I hiked the Himalaya, I didn’t hear an engine for 6 full weeks. All I heard were the voices and the crunching footsteps of my co-trekkers - and my own of course. There weren’t really birds that I remember. Sometimes we’d hear masses of snow break off and crash into canyons. Sometimes, we’d hear water running beneath the snow and ice. And we would hike along rushing green glacial rivers.

But mostly – it was silence.

And only when we returned to civilization (a mere village) I found that I was awake to the fact that there was chatter, and cooking sounds and small engines and motorcycles – noise!

And it all sounded so crazy and weird.

Being in silence woke me up to hearing noise anew.

I recommend you ind a place of absolute silence in your life –an d practice savoring it. Maybe it’s the woods or the mountains near you. Maybe it’s an empty church. Maybe it’s a room in your house.

All good. This is practice for the bedroom - which I’ll explain in Part II of this book But for an experience unlike any other – ind a sensory deprivation chamber in your area. There, you will loat in salinated water that is the exact temperature of your body. In absolute darkness. In absolute silence.

Do it. I won’t say anything else about it – it is to be felt, not described. But it is an extraordinary experience.

Cultivating Touch

I discovered the importance of touch really when I started dating. One of my irst girlfriends was a true fashionista. She said to me after a month or so, “Adam, you’re a great guy – but you have no idea how to dress.”

I didn’t argue. I was a full time L.A. writer and father of young kids. I spent most of my time in shorts and sweats.

She taught me and she taught me good. I discovered the pleasures of handcrafted Italian shoes, cashmere (which is surprisingly affordable now) and 600+ Egyptian Cotton sheets. The towels in her house made mine seem like sandpaper. Her pillows. Her carpets, her sofas, everything was carefully chosen for aesthetic immersion.

It helps that she was off-the-charts wealthy.

But you and I don’t have to be. Did you ever see the movie or play “Sweeney Todd?” Sweeney, who was a master barber, sang of all the variations of women’s blond hair – “

“There's tawny, and there's golden sapphron There's laxon, and there's blonde!”

When you learn the subtleties of variation – you see, feel, hear so much.

I want you to be able to distinguish the difference between a light, medium and intense scratch. And between a inger-brush and light press all the way through a sudden, shocking squeeze. And in your kisses – between the lightest brush, a resting of lips on lips and a penetrating “claiming” kiss. The more you know how to sense and control your touch, the more exquisite pleasures you can bring out in your women – as well as elicit exactly the kinds of touch you want from them.

Here are a series of practices to wake up your sense of touch even if you are a graduate student.

Practice #1: Become familiar with your body weight (comes in handy when you’re heavy on a woman’s arm in bed).

Simply, become conscious of how your body and gravity are dancing with each other. Be body aware, like a kung-fu master, like a gymnast.

This is something you can practice right now and any time during the day. Just right now. Read this and feel your weight in your chair. What parts of your legs are touching it. What about your feet” What are they up to? Are they on the loor? Folded up? How is your weight distributed?

And the parts of your body. What’s your tongue doing? What does it feel like? What about your genitals? Can you feel them right now? Feel how your body touches everything and anything around it.

Practice #2: Be aware of the touch and feel of your clothes.

Where can you feel your clothing touching your skin? Is it pulling anywhere? Is it tight anywhere? Are there hard buttons touching your skin?

I am always amazed at how deeply the texture of clothes affect women’s sensual state. If you can have a polar bear-style rug in front of your ireplace – do that! Who doesn't to feel that fur on their lame-warmed skin? Get chamois throw blankets that are just so cozy to cuddle up inside. Check the feel of your bedding. Is it soft, cozy and inviting? Or starchy, stiff, and not so great against the skin.

Oh – and for god-sakes, know how to touch a woman – irmly but at the same time, as if you’re cupping a fragile egg.

I’ll talk more about touch in the “during sex” section but for now, in preparation – if you want to make her your devoted love slave – learn how to give an erotic massage. Find someone local who is really good – and have her teach you.

Oh, and if she is gorgeous, I won’t be mad.

But I think you know that, already.

Straight out - become a connoisseur of touch and texture.

Note on clothes: wear cashmere when you go on irst dates. It’s not expensive anymore. Women are naturally allured to materials like this, and they will stroke your arms and chest. Almost like they can’t help it. Like you’re a pet.

II: Non-Sensory Foreplay

Sex is not only about your body, not only about the sensations that we have discussed so far.

Amazing sex, connected sex, the kind of sex where you two (or three or more) take a journey together into deeper vulnerability, edge-play, self- and mutual- knowledge, that requires the rest of your integrated life.

Speciically, it means increasing her arousal – and teaching how to increase yours by bringing to bear (1) your emotional, (2) your mental and (3) your spiritual lives.

Let’s look now into how you can prepare her in these three ways for the most exciting and satisfying sexual encounters possible.

A: Emotional Foreplay

Safety…

Ø We all have core fears. For men, our core fear is status and the loss of status triggers shame. For women, the core fear is physical and emotional safety. And the loss of physical safety causes anxiety of isolation which causes withdrawal and anxiety. And that doesn’t bode well for sexuality. Ø Try to make your woman feel safe in all possible ways. Let her know that you are in safe hands. Talk about your family, your brothers and sisters, your parents – so she can feel that you are whole man, and not just a predator. Have her look at your Facebook page or ask her to google or linkedin you so you are not just some random stranger.

Ø Let her know that she is safe with you in speciic ways. When I meet a girl online and we are to meet in a city far from my home and she has to travel – I tell her I’ll get two beds and I’ll honor her space if she wants to sleep in her own. And I do honor that.

Ø If you meet online, give you're your number irst, be open and transparent. Tell her that you will meet in a public place and that you take women’s safety concerns seriously. Make it easy for her to trust you (and never break that trust – you can scar a person for life)

Ø Prioritize curiosity over her breasts. Unskilled men will text women about how hot they are and talk about their body parts thinking that turns them on. Instead, connect her physical beauty to her personhood. “I can’t wait to see that naughty gleam you get in your eye when you think of a great new adventure.”

Ø Use the word “respect.” Women will be more open to you when they know you respect her opinions, her taste, her choices, her relationships, her creativity, her art. Especially attractive women who rightfully suspect guys are hitting on them to bolster their egos. So make a real point of honoring and respecting these things I just mentioned. Pay particular attention to any challenges she’s overcome or dificult decisions she’s made. Show her that you honor the person she is, and she will relax into your embrace.

Cherishment

Ø Let her know in texts and emails and phone calls what you cherish about her. “I can’t stop thinking about the way you girlishly giggle when you’re turned on.” “I was just thinking of the way you were talking to that little old lady at lunch yesterday – you are a fountain of love.”

Ø Start a text… “You know what I adore about you…?” Then wait and don’t answer until she responds. You can keep the tension going. which raises the foreplay level. You can say in response, “Hmmmmm…. where do I start?” When she gets restless and tells you just to start, then you can say, “The third most important thing I cherish about you is…” Then tell her. She will of course ask for #2 and #1. Use words like cherish and adore instead of love. And remember, holding sexual tension without letting it resolve too soon is one of the most powerful techniques you can employ – in bed, or before.

Ø Linger over her words, her art, her insights the way you might linger over her nipples. Stay with it, roll it around. Give her the gift of your savoring attention around her emotional and creative reality the same way you would her body. So few men do this. Ask deeper questions. Lead her deeper into expressing her emotional truths. As she does, never make fun. Express deeper and deeper appreciation of her story and how she has been navigating it until now.

Ø Let her know how she impacts you emotionally. Tell her that since last night, you’ve had this beautiful quiet joy in your body. And it’s so strong you’re worried that your colleagues will notice (this creates a nice “secret” between the two of you.).

Ø Help her emotionally love her body. Most women ind fault with their bodies. And the more you can help her love her body, the more she will desire to show it to and share it with you. So start that process early. You can never tell a woman she’s beautiful too many times. § “Does this make me look fat?” “You look perfect! Beautiful!” § “Do you like this dress?” “You look perfect! Beautiful!”

Ø Got it? Keep it simple and sincere.

Ø If you are together, stop for a moment and totally drink her in. Stare adoringly. She will ask “what”? And you will say, “I was just struck by how exquisitely beautiful you are.”

Ø Admire parts of her other men have missed. Most guys will complement a woman’s smile, eyes, her “igure.” And yeah, sometimes that works. But REAL foreplay is grounded in your being a scholar of her body and life story. So pick out unusual things about her body. Her breastbone. The hollow of her neck (run the back of your ingernails or your lips along that). The curvature of her belly into her hip. Her long, sinuous ingers. Your very paying attention to the less commented-upon parts of her body wakes her up to the fact that you are different. That you are more of a connoisseur, that you really appreciate her in new ways. Emotionally you are helping her discover her beauty anew.

Ø Similarly- cherish parts of her life story that others may not. The irst task here is to actually remember what she’s told you! The second task is to pay close attention – and feel into what makes HER feel great about herself. In my book on online dating, Deep Online Attraction, I call this “singing to her idealized self.” That means reading her proile, or listening closely – and then singing praise more or less, cherishing, adoring what she most loves about herself. It is a powerful way to create deep rapport with her.

B: Mental Foreplay

You do know that a woman’s most powerful sexual organ is her imagination, right? That men love porno with some guy pounding some chick. But women love romance novels, with imagery and atmosphere, and passion and ardor slowly building creating all the arousal they need.

Well at least enough to make the vibrator in her other hand do the trick.

Ø “rehearse” what you are going to do with her… what she will feel – tell her on the phone or in person, or open a long “add an adventure story over text all day long this gets her focuses

Ø give her mini vacations – this gets her sensually fantasizing – and it’s a damn sight better than school, or work or the daily struggle.

Ø Be sure, when you spin out fantasy vacations or any kind of future planning that it’s not unearned for her. You can’t be a doomat. One of my favorite ways of framing the future is with a clear dominant yet gentle mode: “Here’s what we’re going to do.” But then add qualiication to the mix: “if you’re good/ if you’re very, very good/ if you’re very naughty/ if I decide you’ve earned it” etc…

Ø Pre-frame sexuality, adventure and spontaneity. This is where you invoke her desire to step up to the level of active sexuality where you want her. You can say something like, “I’m looking al around this room and all I see are in-the-box people. Restrained people. Robot people. People who only do what they are supposed to do. But you are different. You’re spontaneous. You’re interesting. You’re out of the box and alive for adventure.” Then when it’s time to get sexual, you can remind her how different and spontaneous she is and unlike the “others.” Use whatever words are appropriate for your unique foreplay. “You’re naughty.” “You’re a naughty little girl.” “You’re a sexual volcano ready to explode, aren’t you – but nobody else sees it except for me and you.”

C: Spiritual Foreplay

Well, it’s all spiritual foreplay, really, because you are waking up her yearning to connect with something larger than herself. But there is spiritual and there is spiritual!

One of my favorite writers and teachers is Michael Mirdad. In his Introduction to Tantra and Sacred Sex, he makes a valuable distinction between the “heights” and the “depths” of sex.

Both are fantastic – but its important for you – and your lover – to know in which ield you are playing so that you connect more directly and without misunderstanding and disappointment.

The “heights” of sex, as he describes it, is often described as “great” sex – and often occurs with a stranger, or a new lover or someone “bad” or “naughty” or beyond your usual boundaries. As he writes…

“A relationship that emphasizes the heights of sex focuses mainly on stimulation and nervous system response. This experience is known as merely “having sex.” It is referred to in yogic traditions as tamas, or sex of a shallow consciousness. It arises from unfulilled fantasy and addictive behaviors, rather than from conscious sharing with a partner. It stresses quantity over quality. The heights of the sexual experience are usually measured by the intensity and quantity of stimulation and the success of orgasms, which is like judging the quality of food by the quantity ingested. …Such stimulation has a “hot” energy and is focused on excitation of the clitoris or penis… Encounters focusing on the heights of sex could be deined as physically intense and stimulating, but emotionally and spiritually shallow. The heights of sex imply “more is better,” which translates as faster and bigger—larger breasts, a bigger penis, harder thrusting, and louder cries of pleasure.”

Because Mirdad’s work is focused on creating sacred sex, he is very aware of the limitations of this kind of sexing. However, he also recognizes that there is a place for it, and that this energy can be brought into even the deepest or sacred sex.

The truth is, sometimes, we all want this kind of sex. Sometimes we don’t have the energy or patience to go deep with our lovers. And honestly, sometimes they don’t want it either! Let’s be real.

One young lover of mine told me about a guy she had been with who had been getting deep into Tantra, which began to drive her crazy. One day she yelled at him, “Stop staring into my god-damned eyes and just fuck me already!”

I tell you this story because I don't you to feel that you have to judge yourself because you are not having sacred sex all the time. What I DO want for you is that you and your lover are on the same page, so that one or other of you doesn’t feel heart-devastated when you inish your sexing and you both look back at what just happened between you.

If you one of you wants deep connection and the other is checked out, that is painful. Don’t check out. Stay connected and let each other know what you want.

Now, a relationship focusing on the depths of sex, on the other hand…

“…accesses the soul of both partners. It is known as “making love,” and is referred to in yogic traditions as sattva, or sex that is wholistic. The depths of sex encourage both partners to make use of their bodies, minds, and souls to access each other’s heart. This type of interaction between partners provides the safety to explore the darker issues and inhibitions that may arise during a truly intimate sexual experience.” This is where your – and her - true unmasking begins, as I discussed in the introduction to this book.

Ancient Hebrew is a fascinating and profound spiritual language. You will note that in Genesis, it does not say that “Adam banged Eve.” It says and “Adam knew Eve.”

To know someone through her masks, through her veils, through all the little lies she may be telling the world and telling herself – this is what Mirdad is referring to by the “depths” of sex. You are penetrating beyond the surface and revealing both your authentic, unguarded, naked selves.

This is important: you may not want to reveal your deepest authentic unmasked self to everyone you have sex with! Not everyone is trustable. Not everyone is someone who you want to share that with.

I just want you to have the tools to play in both arenas, and bring the best of each to your lover, as need be. Also, remember, you can blend the two. I, and one of my favorite lovers, like to use the term “love-banging” for what we leap into. Both deeply connected and raucously fun and feral – playful, forceful - but also deeply cherishing.

The only limit to the range of your lovemaking is how much you limit your creativity and the openness of your heart.

I want to say a few more words about “sacred sexuality” since it is not usually taught well in popular culture. It is often ridiculed or considered something foreign.

It is not. It is, I believe, your truest desire, beneath all your fears and self- doubts. It may lie just beyond your current habits, or your history – but it is available to you, with practice, with focus and with the desire…

Without getting too deep into Tantra and the origins and practices of sacred sex, lets just say that sacred or “spiritual” sex involves not just your bodies being connected to each other, but both of you also being connected to the life force that drives all motion, all animate being and that grows us and lows through us and of which we are all an inextricable part. Some call life force, “God” – you know how I feel about that word. It’s a word so overused and fraught with nonsense, I consider it useless. Some call it “Divinity” or “oneness” which is a little better. At least that doesn’t have a beard and take glee in killing goats and birds for sacriices.

I like the terms, “life force” or “source.”

I don’t care what your religious beliefs are, the truth is that we, as human animals, are part of a continuum of a life that includes paramecia, donkeys, swordish, grass – all of it.

There is some force causes us all to grow, evolve, procreate. We, as humans, just seem to be the most conscious of life as we know it. In fact, a cool idea that moves me is that we, as human beings, are the universe, or the life force becoming conscious of itself.

Although I believe that we are just at the birth of that process.

One of my favorite expressions where you can FEEL the power of this life force is in the opening lines of Dylan Thomas’s poem, named for it’s irst line…

The force that through the green fuse drives the lower Drives my green age; that blasts the roots of trees Is my destroyer. And I am dumb to tell the crooked rose My youth is bent by the same wintry fever.

The force that drives the water through the rocks Drives my red blood; that dries the mouthing streams Turns mine to wax. And I am dumb to mouth unto my veins How at the mountain spring the same mouth sucks.

The hand that whirls the water in the pool Stirs the quicksand; that ropes the blowing wind Hauls my shroud sail. And I am dumb to tell the hanging man How of my clay is made the hangman's lime. And it goes on. THAT is some powerful writing! Not only is the prose earthy and punchy (hardly a single romantic Latinate word in that anglo-saxon torrent of root words) whenever I read it, it puts me in touch with the fact that yes, the force that drives roots and shoots and trees also drives my blood.

[note: how sensitive you can become to the very “sound” of words – it’s useful when you are romancing a woman, or fantasy-talking her during sex]

I am not separate from all the life blooming, gnashing and fornicating around me.

I am not creating my physical life. It is done through me.

And THAT’s the part of “spiritual” sex I want you to connect to – so you can bring your partner into that experience, if she’s not doing it naturally. To drop the social self, the mental self, and join the raw, physical low of life – brutal, gentle, beautiful, chaotic, soothing, nourishing, birthing, dying… all of it.

It is an exquisite pleasure when you can let go of your thoughts and dissolve into the thrumming of life all around you.

[Admittedly it’s not always so easy to do. Sometimes you need help. There are kinds of meditation that will get you there. There is holotropic breathing. And there are “medicines” – from psilocybin mushrooms to Ayahuasca – powerful natural consciousness expanders that open you to just how much feeling and perception is available to you.]

I learned another metaphor from Michael Mirdad in a dialogue I did with him for Evolver Learning Labs. I highly suggest you go and download this series, by the way – I interviewed several profound teachers of advanced sexuality. Go here: http://evolverlearninglab.com/

We were exploring what this term meant: “source.”

He suggests we look at it this way…

There is a sun and a million rays of light shooting out into darkness. Where do we it in? We are those rays of light – currently conscious on the outmost tip of our own personal ray – eyes forward, staring out into darkness. We can freak out over the fact that we are hurtling into darkness! And we often do. Or we can try to cling to the ray next to us for perceived security (gangs, marriages, nations, allegiances of all kinds) – but the fact is that we’re still shooting out into darkness, into the unknown and death.

Cheered up yet? J

It’s okay – here’s another way to feel where we are in the universe…

We can stare outward, or, from time to time, we can turn around and gaze upon the brilliance of the light, of our common origin and source. Whatever the heck it is that gives vitality to all life - that force, that source that connects us all is an always-available place where we can ground ourselves – even and especially during sexual encounters.

And that, my friend, can change everything, and in an instant.

Suddenly, we are not two separate bodies thrashing around in some bed sheets. Instead, we are two parts of a mysterious, loving, vital whole, rejoining for the moment, intertwining, but not separate. Two faces of an ininite coin. Two lumes of water in an ininite stream – not two cymbals clapping against each other.

“Sacred” sex, for our purposes here, is a practice where you can bring your lover into the awareness that you are not separate, that you are equally beautiful and tender and raw and hungry – and parts of the same whole.

Age means nothing, status means nothing. The outside world of getting and spending means nothing. You are two expressions of the godhead, of the headwaters of life expressing itself through your bodies and minds.

There are ways of playing with this, by the way, verbally, as you get deeper and deeper into this level of sex. Rather than the kind of dirty talk you see in porn, “oh, yeah, I’m gonna fuck you, you slut!” – you can open her up to whole new visions of life lowing through her gorgeous body.

This may take practice, but experiment and let the poetry low through you. Here are some starters… You are like a lush, fertile ield, and I am a warm geyser, exploding up into you…. Driving you upward, upward, illing you… raising you…

You are a cave of soft stone and I am illing you like a rushing river… can you feel your soft walls expanding as I ill you with the force of a thousand rivers lowing into you….

Your legs are like two streams, wholly open and spread at the bottom of a booming waterfall – feel me, feel this as I ill you like the unrelenting rush of a mighty waterfall…

Yes, I know this is not usual day-to-day language. There is poetry and imagination in it. It may sound weird to you now, not in the throes of passion. But play with this as she is opening to you in the bedroom.

I have experimented with nature imagery like this – on one occasion, illing her with my body while narrating how my body was like thick tree roots penetrating in through her womb, growing, enlarging – and even pushing out through her other oriices and even her pores…

… and we found three notes on her apartment door in the morning, asking us to keep it down during the night.

So yeah, does this kind of sacred verbal play have an impact?

The defense rests.

Polarizing Her Into Her Feminine

Much has been written about the masculine and the feminine.

In work culture, it gets very confusing because we should all be equals and treat each other with the respect earned by merit.

But it’s very different in the bedroom. It’s very different around sexuality.

Women generally yearn to surrender to a trustable, strong man who can lead them in an enlightened way. Yes, plenty of low-esteem women just want to be dominated and they don’t care so much about respect – they just need the attention of a man – and surrendering their bodies get them that.

But when we talk about the really cool women, women who are more conscious and experimental, in touch with their inner worlds and how have higher self esteem – well, they ALSO want to surrender.

But not just to anybody. Because they have developed a more self-reliant character “in the world” – you’ve got out masculine their own “masculine” traits.

You’ve got to demonstrate – by the conidence with which you carry yourself, by the ways in which you boldly stand for the principles that motivate you, by your unshakeability and “paternal” equilibrium – that you are more “man” than she is.

Don’t underestimate this! Young women in NY complain to me that men don’t “take the lead.” All they ask to do is “hang out” sometime, to “chill.” Women can’t surrender to you unless you take the lead!

And in LA, it’s the same. I met with one incredibly sexy Latina women who loved strong men but found that men there were less motivated than her, less persistent, didn’t get shit done and in general were “waiting” for fortune to shine on them rather than kicking fortune’s ass and making it get in line.

“What you’re telling me,” I said, “is that you’re looking for a man with a bigger cock than you.”

A smile spread across her face. “Yes. Exactly”

We ended up dating for almost a year.

Here’s the bottom line on polarity and foreplay.

Women can’t surrender, they can’t take the feminine role if you don’t take the masculine role. The more you play the nice guy, the guy who doesn’t embody sexuality early and naturally, the guy who allows her to take the lead setting plans or taking care of business – the less sexuallly polarized she will be. What is polarization? Think of a magnetic pole. If one end is highly charged (masculine) the other end will be highly charged (feminine). If you abdicate your masculine role and sink down to the un-sexually charged middle – the realm of the nice guy, the asexual ofice type relationship – then she will also slip there.

If you don’t lead, she can’t follow.

If you don’t claim, she can’t surrender.

Too many men, confused by how assertive is socially acceptable, never “make their move.” They remain in the famous, dreaded “Friend zone.”

You MUST let women know that you are sexually interested in them – not in a gross, salivating way, but in a conident “this is my will” way.

It’s sexy to them.

As David Deida wisely says, women can sense how you might be in the bedroom by how you assert your will in the world, how you achieve your success, how you make things happen. In his words, “how you penetrate the world is how you penetrate women” – and the other way around. Practice making your will felt – not in a bullying, domineering way, but in clean intent, expressed without apology or neediness.

A couple of years ago, I met a gorgeous 23 year old at a conference. Her name sounded familiar. She was whip-smart and I was lirting and joking with her when she said…

“You’re really funny. You should date my mom.”

I didn’t hesitate. I held her eyes and said, “you’re really more my age range.”

This highly conident young women suddenly got lustered and blushed.

I wasn’t weird about it. I simply stated my truth, openly and honestly.

I could have then qualiied, “but only if you, as a young woman, possess a sense of wisdom, free-spiritedness an adventurous beyond your years. Are you that kind of woman?”

Hard for a girl to say no to that! Even if they have no interest in dating older men.

As it turns out, when I asked her her moms’ name, I discovered I DID date her mom! Back when she was in her late thirties. One of the irst women I met online.

You polarize a woman sexually by inhabiting your sexual self. Not in a needy or creepy way, but in a calm, I-deserve-the-best, no pretention kind of way. I expect the best in my life. It’s just natural.

The “friend zone” only happens if you let it happen!

When you meet a woman, hold her gaze. Touch her lightly upon the arm or knee or lower back. Push her hair out of her mouth and in general, treat her like your iancée. Take care of her without hesitation, as if you’ve already been going out for a year! The working principle here is act as if you are already a sexually involved couple. Assume the role naturally.

This puts you in an immediate “sexual” role.

This is how you accelerate the feeling of intimacy and allow women to relax into your care. Let’s now look at a few ways that you can POLARIZE her early and often into her feminine by taking the more masculine role.

Polarization Practice #1: Solidity

Not Sexual: Fidgeting, Dissipating Energy Sexual: Solidity Do you think about how your body affects women? Most men obsess over abs and pecs and biceps – and yes, those do matter. But only to an extent. How you hold your body is even more important than how you carve your body. Women notice –viscerally – if you are leaning over full of neediness and crippled by the desire for approval just by the way you stand. They notice if you idget. If you chew gum nervously. If you shake your leg. If you cross your arms over your chest protectively. If you put your hands in and out of your pockets nervously. If you nod too much. If your head is tilted when you listen like a submissive puppy rather than straight, upward and proud, like a powerful man. Here’s what you do… You want to stand solid. You want to keep your hips square and forward, not with weight on one leg, like a dancer (although there are times when that sensual, almost feminine quality about you can be seductive to women). You want to keep your hands still and unidgety, by your side. You want to keep your spine straight, your head as if there were an invisible string at your crown pulling your neck and spine straight up toward the heavens - and your energy solid and contained and still. This takes practice! And the payoff is signiicant! I am a very high-energy guy, for example. I have a very high metabolism. I can run and work out for hours. I speak with high energy. I am easily aroused and excited by life. As you may be able to tell from this book, I am a huge and enthusiastic lover of life. But that high energy used to come off as too excitable – very un-James Bond. And with the help of some great teachers, including David Deida, and the support of men, I cultivated stillness and solidity in my body. If you are nervous in your body, if you throw off energy in your idgety hands, or your excessive nodding or your jerky movements, the message you give off is that you are not comfortable in your own body – and so probably won’t be comfortable with hers. In addition, a solid presence indicates your ability to lead. To claim a woman. To allow her to relax in your arms so she can relax into bliss. Remember, foreplay is not merely how you directly interact with her, it’s allowing her to feel who you are. So how to you practice masculine solidity? First, practice stillness in social situations. Don’t nod. Give little reaction, without being weird about it. Listen intently and with no motion. Move as little as possible. When you do move, move as if you are under water. Slowly, deliberately. And when it comes to breath – breathe deeply and slowly, drawing air all the way down to the base of your belly and your balls. You may not see the difference, but women feel it. They are put at easy by a man who breathes deeply – and put on edge by a man who breathes quickly and shallowly to the top of his lungs. These practices may feel strange at irst, but you will discover that you possess a sexy, polarizing masculine energy that you may have been missing out on all these years. With practice, they will become more natural to you, and you will start to notice that women treat you differently. The truth is this: the more masculine you are in your body (still, solid, strong, conserving your energy almost as an echo of saving yourself for the sudden strike of a hunter), the more feminine she will be. Watch it happen: she will move more, low more, dance around your stillness more. She will show submissive signs to create rapport with you, laugh more, touch you more, sway more. When you are not physically around women, you can cultivate your masculine by practicing masculine sports – boxing, cross-it, MMA. These put you in the habit of honing energy conservations, explosiveness, awareness, readiness. They increase body coordination and reduce stress and idgetiness. Do them. Remember – your body is your resume. She will read it in an instant if it is sexually masculine or sexually neutral. One enhances foreplay, the other ends it Polarization Practice #2: Quiet Competence

Not Sexual: “Ew” Sexual: “I Can Handle Anything”

Men in our sanitized culture have become wimps. They get grossed- out by shit stains, menstrual stains, female sweat, leg hair – by our actual feral, primal bodies. There is a sexuality in the perfectly waxed beauty, yes, absolutely. But the more you can embrace all of reality and maintain your center, the more powerful and sexier you are as a man.

If you’re too “metrosexual,” how is she going to sense that when you hit the mattress, you’re not going to be the guy who can drive her into 1000 orgasms by devouring her pussy, or by lipping her over and pounding her silly, as well as clutching her sweaty body close and sucking all that sweat off her skin without fear or the “ew” factor.

Most women want you to ravish them, not merely wine-and-dine them. So lick her tears. Never wince at blood or snot. Embrace your body, her body and the wildness of our physical world without fear or retraction. Your welcoming of the natural, messy, wild, erotic spectrum of existence is a signal to her than you can play that whole spectrum in bed – and with her body.

And the more you accept her in her wholeness, the more she will relax and offer you her wholeness, in all its raw and un-restrained fullness.

(Remember, no matter how beautiful and “perfect” her body may be, she’s likely to be self-conscious about her smells, her stains, her farts etc. When air comes out of her after sex, and she’s embarrassed, just kiss her even more deeply and tell her “all of you is sexy. I want all of you.” These are magic words to a woman, because they allow her to relax. Which allows her to surrender to you even more deeply.)

Not Sexual: Indecision Sexual: Masculine Decisiveness

Women generally want you to take the lead. They hate the old “I don’t know, what do you want to do tonight?” back and forth. They want to feel that you can take the lead socially – which indicates to them that you can take the lead sexually in the bedroom

You know what’s sexy?

“I’m picking you up at 7. Wear something slinky. Heels.”

Or

“Here’s your homework. Pack a bag. All you need is a bikini and something to wear to the pool. Plus one outit for an outdoor dinner – something so everyone there knows I’ve got the sexiest girl in the place. Beyond that, you can relax. I’ve got it all taken care of.” With all the advances of feminism, with all the lionizing of self-reliance – there is still nothing sexier for a woman than a man who can take the lead and let them relax. As in the world, so in the bedroom.

This is why I say: “state the date.” If you have the tendency to be too deferential, then work hard to get out of “asking permission” mode.

And into “enlightened leader” mode. Note, when I talk about sexually charged leadership , I’m not taking about being a bully or being bossy. Rather, leading her means thinking of her good, her pleasure her opening - and taking the lead.

If she doesn't want it, or has issues about it or isn’t ready for it – you can raise the question and tease out why she resists masculine leadership (remember, there could be abuse or abandonment in her background) - or, you are free to move on.

But if you are too deferential and let her take the lead – you will NEVER meet date and enjoy the women you most desire.

The bottom line of sexual polarity, as I have stated in 20 different ways, is to strip yourself of any neediness.

You want to be – you have to be - the ride she wants to take. You want to invite her up into your more interesting life. Your life doesn’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t have to be ideal. It doesn’t have to be laden with wealth.

But in all ways, “invite her up.” Invite her into activities and passions that you are already planning on doing, in which you already are indulging, which you already enjoy. Invite her up into fun. Up into new experiences and crowds. Up into learning and excitement.

If you have a history of being more submissive and not assertive, you want an extra sexual edge, so I suggest that you “pre-frame” her by telling her in different ways that what makes her different is that she is “adventurous” and “spontaneous” and “free-spirited.”

There is a principle called “consistency” described well in the book Inluence, by Professor Robert Cialdini – where people, when they accept a deinition of themselves, feel a subconscious compulsion to stay consistent with that deinition.

So if you let her know that you love her open, free-spirited nature she will try to live up to that. You are polarizing her.

Is that manipulative? Well, if you’re trying to “do” something to her, to get something from her and then quickly dump her, yes.

But if you genuinely care about opening her to new experience, to feeling new parts of herself, to delight, to the adventure of living, then no. You are doing both yourself and her a favor.

More Ways To Pre-Inspire Her Desire

These are reliable guidelines to inspire her desire for you. In the last 15 years there have been more and more studies on the “science” of desire.

Here are some conclusions drawn from studies conducted by University of Texas at Austin professors, Cindy M. Meston, Ph.D. and David M. Buss, Ph.D., coauthors of the provocative book, Why Women Have Sex: Understanding Sexual Motivations from Adventure to Revenge (and Everything in Between),

For a better understanding of how to get her in the mood, consider the following seven factors that Meston and Buss say affects a woman’s libido:

1. Sharpen Up Your Physical Appearance

According to Meston and Buss, women are turned on by a man’s face, body and movement, more so than by rippling abs and bulging biceps. Men create those that to impress other men!

“Sexually, women are attracted to men with masculine features, although not too masculine,” they explain. “A little light stubble is usually a turn-on for women if it’s clean and well-kept.

Body-wise, women generally ind men with a V-shaped torso or a high shoulder-to-hip ratio sexually attractive. Which is why I recommend The Adonis Effect so strongly. It’s a program designed by brilliant itness scientists to give you the ideal V-shaped proportions, no matter your body type. As mentioned above, how you move your body is important, too, as women ind athletic prowess and agility to be sexual turn-ons.” So a little swagger in your walk, a little swing in your shoulders and physical cockiness doesn’t hurt. Not does the ability to dance well – especially sexy things like salsa or tango.

And of course, sorry, you gotta lose that body fat. Body fat around the waist is an evolutionary signal that your testosterone levels have dropped. Not attractive to women. Or that you just don’t value yourself enough to take care of your body, to feed it nutritiously and get exercise. Also not attractive.

As of this writing, I’m thinking about Chris Christie, governor of New Jersey. I’m a democrat, but like a lot of democrats who value social freedom and iscal responsibility, I like the guy! But I have to say, when you look at him, it’s hard to believe that he’s “responsible” because of how Jabba-like he’s allowed his body to become. I believe that if he lost the weight, he’d be a shoe-in for President one day. But if he doesn’t, there’s a lack of trust in his judgment that would get in his way. Certainly for me. My two cents.

So – cut out the crappy foods. The processed foods. The iller and comfort foods. Stick with lean meats, veggies, a bit of fruit, nuts, ish - and watch the pounds leave. Don’t consume calories in drinks – substitute water for juices and cut out sodas as much as possible. For your body, they are the devil.

And – of course, work out, do your cardio, maintain and grow your physical stamina – these can only work to your advantage with women.

Two other resources I recommend wholeheartedly are:

A: The Adonis Effect

This program is scripted by one of the leading scientists of the itness world and what is unique about him is that this program will get you to the ideal “attraction proportions” that women sexually respond to, no matter what kind of natural frame you have – with as little work as possible.

Get this program here. B: Old School New Body

Simply the smartest program created to date for men over 35 to reach maximum itness and musculature. Do you know that after 35, you lose 1 pound of muscle a year, unless you put these practices to work. The author is a great friend of mine, a certiied genius in several ields, and at 48 – ripped.

Get this program here.

2. Pay Attention to The Time of Day

Meston says everyone’s got their unique tastes but, “in general, women want to have sex when they feel their best — when they have energy, feel connected to their partners, aren’t distracted by work or stressful daily events, and when they feel sexy — and that may or may not be at night.”

So, to be smart, pay attention to when she seems the most energized and/or chilled out. Maybe it’s after her yoga class or morning run. Maybe it’s after a delicious meal. Maybe it’s out in nature. You get to increase the pleasure of her non-stressed out moments by leading her into the pleasure of lovemaking at these times.

3. Sensual Environment

Meston and Buss explain that, for women, sense of smell is far more important than it is to men when it comes to sexual attraction.

Simply put: if a woman doesn’t like the way a man smells, it’s often a deal- breaker — whether she consciously realizes it or not.

You can’t take this personally – this is so far below conscious control its crazy. I’ve had women walk past me, inhale and tell me “your B.O. is sexy” and I’ve had women make me go wash my pits during sweaty sex. Pheromones - — tiny airborne molecules that humans emit from various glands in their body – operate far beneath the surface.

You may, by the way, have seen those blind studies of women smelling undershirts and being turned off by the body odor of men they were related to. Nature builds in repulsion to prevent incest and thereby narrowing genetic lexibility and strength. Wily, that nature is.

It gets deeper, according to Meston: “Olfactory signals provide a woman with a wealth of information about a man’s health, hygiene, and even his genetic makeup.” Male pheromones have been shown to provide information on a man’s symmetry, which is an indicator of genetic itness and ultimately can determine whether a man is genetically compatible with a woman.

“For many women,” she says, “whether they realize it or not scent can play an important role in determining her willingness to have sex with a man, given her ‘sense’ of whether they can produce genetically healthy, strong children together.”

Tricky business, ay? So – stay clean in general, and a dash of light cologne rarely hurts. But pheromones operate at a primal level, so never get offended – and don’t turn down your luck of the draw.

Incidentally, the worst turn off women mention in studies is bad breath, says Buss.

So you know what to do here. Brush. Floss. Look into tongue scrapers at your local pharmacy if you don’t know about those – most smelly bacteria (those that aren’t grime between your unbrushed teeth) live on the back of the tongue). Mouthwash is your friend – as well as some breath mints, as a last resort, in your car or in your pocket at all times.

4: Your Choice of Words

This part should be obvious to you -- what a man says is often more important than what he does when he’s trying to get a woman in the mood. For as long as we have recorded history, we know of poets and troubadours seducing women, of men “wooing” women with romantic tributes to their beauty. For a refresher – revisit Cyrano deBourgerac or just watch the Steve Martin movie, Roxanne.

And, sure enough, the tradition continues. “Offering compliments is usually a sure-ire way of making someone want to get closer… although, if the compliments come across as insincere, they will actually turn her off,” says Meston. She adds that – authentically –making references to future activities you’d like to do together shows commitment – and can often be sexually alluring to women [p.s. that’s why I show you how to build in “mini-vacations” into your online proile in my program - Deep Online Attraction.]

Buss also explains why a sense of humor is also a sexual turn-on for the ladies: “If a man can make a woman laugh, it relaxes her and makes her feel that he ‘gets’ her,” he says, adding that a good sense of humor also conveys some key qualities women want in a mate: intelligence (it’s hard to be witty if you’re not too bright), the ability to gauge her emotional and social perspective (a.k.a. having the mind-reading skills to know what she will ind amusing), and social verve or conidence.

In addition, it’s an indication that he can handle pressure and not get too caught up in his own ego. It’s why James Bond cracks jokes in the face of death. He keeps his cool, his “wits” about him.

5: The need for revenge

In their research, Meston and Buss found that many women had “revenge sex” with someone other than their most recent dating partner to get back at a cheating partner or to “even the score,” as some women put it. So, theoretically, you could appeal to a woman’s desire to ‘get back” at her man, her previous man, her religion, her culture, etc.

According to Meston, “some women hoped their ex would ind out about it and feel angry or hurt, and other women said they didn’t care if they found out or not — they felt better just knowing they had gotten revenge.”

Why is the need for revenge such a turn-on for women? Clearly, it’s a conirmation of their worth – and by the way, I think this applies to men, too. Coming out of a sexless marriage, the irst thing most men do is indulge in as much random sex as they can ind.

But “revenge sex” can serve two basic functions,” Buss explains. The irst is deterrence: just as bullies stop picking on victims who retaliate, cheating partners sometimes stop their partner retaliates in kind.

The second function of revenge is “reputation management,” says Buss. “Women who are scorned sometimes suffer damage to their social reputation, whether they are cheated on or dumped. Having sex — especially if it is with someone who is relatively high in ‘mate value’ — can sometimes help to restore a woman’s reputation,” he explains.

And again, it could be her reputation to others or really, just to herself. That she is attractive and worthy.

Now, I don’t think being the recipient of someone else’s revenge sex is the ideal way to connect with another human being. I just want you to understand the psychology. If a woman is feeling angry about her controlling parents or ex or boyfriend, you are getting into some serious stew. Your responsibility, as a man of experience is, if you decide to hook up with her, is to pay special attention to conirming her inner worth, her inner qualities, and not just her body. In this way – you can help her to heal, and not just take advantage of her vulnerability.

6. Her Physical Health or Well-Being

Sex – protected sex – is healthy and good for you. Meston explains that “during orgasm, opiates — the body’s natural painkillers — are released, which can help decrease all sorts of aches and pains for women.” Additionally, sex can also help maintain the body’s lexibility and cardiovascular health, decrease anxiety, and enhance overall mood.

Finally, Meston notes, having sex during menstruation decreases a woman’s risk of experiencing endometriosis symptoms. And, of course, sex (if it lasts more than a couple of minutes) can also be a good calorie burner, so you can always suggest it as a fantastic way to burn off the chocolate cheesecake you shared for dessert.

Women instinctively know that sex is healthy, a workout, a great release of happy hormones. So on the physical level, they are all in. Your task – actually your privilege - as a man is to make the experience – before, during and after – a profound conirmation of her desirability and her wholeness as a human being.

Again, and I can’t stress this enough – your desire to delight and pleasure her, your desire to have sexual encounters leave women feeling cherished, valued and safe – even for a single encounter - is a service not only to them, but to yourself and to our human community. As much as humanly possible, prevent yourself from lying or false commitments. Be as truthful as possible about your intentions up front. This, for a man of experience who by now should have relatively advanced empathy skills for the feelings of others, should be a given.

7. To Raise Her Social Status or Sense of Self-esteem

In their research, Meston and Buss found that, for some women, having sex is more about competition and winning – it’s adolescent really. Who is dating the quarterback? The captain of the basketball team?

For women that do this to compete with others and also raise their social standing, her target’s social status is a key to raising her libido. You see it around rock groups, certain millionaires, pro athletes and even political “rock stars.” Monica Lewinsky is a perfect example.

Buss goes on to explain that, for women who have sex to raise their self- esteem, the motivating factor is usually the need to feel sexually desirable. “Some women suffer from low self-esteem and feel bad about their bodies.”

For many women these days, they more often feel bad about their prospects, or their social circles. They are often not stupid. Many a “sugar baby” knows that her most obvious asset, her looks is going to be her ticket out of her dead, pick-up, Bud-drinking, meth-addled hometown. So too young women in the big city, whose social circle includes young guys working at Starbucks or shitty jobs.

They know that they have more to offer the world, and want to experience life in a more exciting and expansive way than their upbringing and (often lack of) formal education will allow them. I don’t blame these young women for wanting to align with accomplished men who can show them the world, better meals, nicer homes, more interesting people.

In fact, no matter how old she is, your life should be more interesting than hers, if you want to keep sexual polarity. I write about this in other parts of this program, but you should cultivate a life that is “a ride she wants to get on.” That means in as many realms as you can hone: physically, in adventure, intellectually, spiritually, socially, inancially – all of it! Your life in motion is a turn on to women. End stop. Your life as much as it’s going nowhere, not growing, not expanding, not deepening will bore them. If you have money, you may keep a hot woman for a while, but she will use you and leave you when she wants – or can. Better to attract your woman for the man you are. And are becoming.

It’s much sexier to them. And far more powerful for you. V: Preparing the Room

Where are you going to make love?

On the kitchen loor? On the beach? In a restaurant bathroom? At her apartment? In yours? At a hotel by the beach during your weekend escape?

Wherever you do, you want to create an ecosystem of luxuriance.

We have gone through how to prepare yourself and her physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. In a way, as scriptors of your erotic life, we have been bringing the characters to life.

Now it’s time to set the scene.

As men, when it comes to sex, we tend to zero in the sexual parts of our lover’s bodies. We have evolved as hunters for millions of years and we naturally focus in on our “targets” and get the deed done. Also because, as I have outlined above, because we have “exiled” our available erotic universe to the bedroom, we tend to obsess about the sexual act as our only erotic outlet.

But, generally, women are different.

When it comes to sex, an emotionally healthy woman wants her body to relax, to open in every possible way – not just between her legs, but her heart, her arms, her eyes – she becomes your most sensual and welcoming and “alive” lover when she can relax in trust to the moment.

The irst element of this relaxation is relaxing into the trust of you. That you will “take care of her” in all meanings of that word. That you won’t hurt her, abuse her trust or body, that you will cradle her, even in the most “pounding” moments of sexual passion. Beneath the pinching and scratching and biting and punching and piledriving – beneath any of the excitement that may come with sexing – she needs to know that you are holding her well-being irmly.

The second element of relaxation is relaxing into the beauty of her surroundings. Sure, you can bang in a Motel 6. But watch her reaction when she comes out of the bathroom after she showers to discover that you have lit incense, arranged soft-candle-light, spread a red satin sheet over the gross brown (and probably semen pre-stained) bedcover and have a bottle of chilled champagne open and ready at the bedside. Oh, and lets not forget the two dark-chocolate cherry trufles you’ve places on the pillows.

Tell me something, my good man, what kind of generous lover do you think she is going to be now? Compared to the girl who walks out into the tasteless, drab, harsh luorescent blandness of a bare motel room?

I trust you are absorbing this hungrily.

[by the way – the scene I just described, I have executed. My advice is tested. It’s a tough job but….]

Let’s run down how to set an erotically delicious scene for your lover, so that she may open to all her senses and be the generous and welcoming lover you so ardently desire…

Ø Everything enters our eyes as plays of light. I advise you to replace all your light switches with dimmers. When you leave your house before a date, set the lights on low, so you enter a home that is already lit for love.

Ø Where you make love, set out candles – so you can see the play of light and shadow over each other’s bodies. Be careful not to just light one – you want to see each other! That’s part of the erotic play. Try not to put them right next to your pillows on the nightstand – things get kicked over and ires ensue. It’s happened to me. The other advantage of candles is that it allows your lover to relax because any self-perceived laws in her body will be dimmed out. Which is actually pretty useful too for you, Jabba.

Ø Mirrors – I learned this from my lovers. Buy a large – LARGE – standing mirror and lean it against the wall on the side of your bed. You will see wonders while you make love, and she will get turned on watching your bodies intertwine. Hang a long horizontal mirror over your headstand. Hang one opposite the foot of your bed if the wall is not too far. Hell, put one on the ceiling. It may sound cheesy but few things are more erotic or beautiful than lying back and watching your lover please you (and that goes either way). If you have a long mirror over a long, low dresser or table to the side of the bed – then artfully line up candles at its base. This creates a kind of “footlights” to the show that takes place in the mirror above.

Ø Textures. Silk. Satin. Flannel in the winter. Furs, especially furs (and you can buy soft fake fur throws for pennies these days). Make sure your bed is a sensually welcoming place – and with variety. With one love, we bought these 99$ blankets from Bed, Bath and Beyond that have fur on the inside! When we crawl between the sheets, it’s like being cuddled by a loving mother bear… so comforting and relaxing and cozy. Become a connoisseur of textures…

Ø Sweet incense… I’m gonna get biblical on your ass here, not because I believe in any of the biblical assumptions, but because the Song of Songs, where two beloved lovers chase each other through the streets of Jerusalem. How it made its way into the Bible is a wonder and a mystery, but I’m glad it did – because it is gorgeous and it is hot! Check this out… “Who is this coming up from the wilderness like a column of smoke, perfumed with myrrh and incense made from all the spices of the merchant?” Can you feel the sensuality of that? With what natural scents can you clothe your body, your bedroom, your home? Wouldn’t you like to have her feel you sweeping into her presence like that? Here’s some more…

Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride;

milk and honey are under your tongue.

The fragrance of your garments

is like the fragrance of Lebanon.

By the way – that’s the Lebanon of old, of cedar wood and cedar oils, not the Hamas Lebanon of now, although a Lebanese girlfriend showed me photos of just how beautiful that war-torn country still is.

12 You are a garden locked up, my sister, my bride;

you are a spring enclosed, a sealed fountain. 13 Your plants are an orchard of pomegranates

with choice fruits,

with henna and nard, 14 nard and saffron, calamus and cinnamon,

with every kind of incense tree,

with myrrh and aloes

and all the inest spices.

Yes, her “plants” are just like that. In this exquisitely erotic love poem, you can see how central aromas are. Bring this kind of sensitivity to your love life.

Even when it comes to detergent – seek out clothes detergent that scents your clothes with delicious lavender. Use body wash and shampoos that are not replete with artiicial soaps and chemicals. Take your clue from this poem – natural sexy spices… ind them in your city – or order them online. As essential oils, as cleaners, as incense, as candles. Create a garden of aromatic delight for your lover, and you will ind a sensually enthralled woman in your arms.

Note: if you are not familiar with “essential oils” – get familiar! They are highly potent love-arrows right to the brain. A dab under her nose while you are making love, or just before of cinnamon or of peppermint or of lavender – these will color your entire experience. They wake you and her up. Go into Whole Foods and ask for a demonstration –or ind a local distributor.

Ø Music – Shakespeare said it best, as he usually does, this time in Twelfth Night… “if music be the food of love, play on!” Music is the food of love. It is the appetizer, the wine, the table and the tablecloth. In an ideal world – and if you are a tech geek out there working for Apple, maybe you can create this – music would adjust to the rhythms and pace of your lovemaking through some kind of sensor.

Ø But short of that, have music available, cued and ready to go when you enter your lovemaking room. Try different palettes for different moods. If you like slow jazz, try classical. If you love Gregorian chants, try electronica. Try out classical Indian music! That’s is amazingly sexy. Try religious oratorios, huge immersive Bach chorales or fugues. Hip hop. Reggaeton. Or Bob Marley. I tend to prefer music that doesn’t have words, because the words distract me, but you should try out all the lavors – and observe how the music sets the pace and tone of your lovemaking. Vary it.

Ø Necessary equipment. Have water next to the bed so you can each stop and get refreshed. Have massage oil ready – in whatever scents turn her on. Have lube (a new tube for each girl, please) only a reach away, so you don’t have to go loping into your bedroom to ind it. If you like toys the penetrate or buzz or squeeze or clamp or clasp – keep them right next the bed, too.

Ø Décor – every aspect of your bedroom should suggest the erotic. So remove any photos of dear old granny or even your kids, staring out at her from your bedside. I know you love them. Love them in your living room.

Ø Think in twos. Every Feng Shui expert knows that you create a subconscious feeling of “couplehood” and togetherness by creating a symmetry of twos. On either side of the bed – two matching bed-stands, two matching lamps, two matching candles. If there is a painting above your bed, see if you can make it a painting of lovers, or some other kind of double symmetry. There is a peace to twos in a bedroom. Create it.

Now, just for fun (okay, not merely for fun), lets extend the deinition of “room” in preparing the room.

Your bodies are also your room. Take care of it before you come to her – and likewise. Make it a ritual. Go the bathroom, empty your bladder, your colon, loss, mouthwash, make sure your sweaty parts are clean and ready for action.

As you undress, you can take the Tantric point of view and symbolically disrobe each other of your defenses, anxieties, masks and withholds.

Try this: as she takes of each article of clothing, tell her “with this shirt, I let go of ego… with this belt, I let of any heart constriction…. With these pants, I let go of expectation, of “going anywhere.”

Be creative. Be playful with it. Be symbolic. Or be as serious as fuck. But stay conscious of what you are offering to each other. It’s a beautiful thing.

You can make cleansing each other part of your foreplay ritual. Use warm and soft washcloths - and if they are dipped in aromatic water (you can dilute essential oils into a vat to wondrous effects) – and undressing each other, then slowly and tenderly swabbing each other’s bodies – well that’s pretty much sex already!

Prepare her “emotional” room by sweetly and emphatically (but without hunger or need) praise the beauty of her body as you clean it. Sex

The sensual pleasure women provide, the joy of wine, the taste of meat: it is the undoing of fools, but for the wise, the pathway to salvation. —Kalarnava Tantra

“You don’t have to spiritualize sex to make it valuable, because by its very nature sex is a deep act of the interior life and always brings with it a wealth of emotional and spiritual meaning. —Thomas Moore

Everybody likes a quickie now and then, yours truly included.

You don’t need a lot of insight on how to have a hard, fast, fun, pounding quickie. I’ll throw in a few notes in this section, but what we are after here is to explore the breadths and depths of “slowies” – of connecting so deeply with our own bodies, each other bodies and the outer reaches of possible bliss, that our whole lives are altered.

In this section, where we go into how to cull your greatest lover from your woman, we begin with the idea of play.

Sex is also play. Not in the meaning that it’s not serious, but in the meaning of “ininite play” – an alert, erotic engagement whose reward is the aliveness and delight of the moment – not the end game or keeping score.

To play well, and to train her to play well, you must bring your most alert and awake self to the bed, so that you can read the nuances of her waves of pleasure and engagement.

So many men head into sex like a “job.” They think a woman has to be pounded incessantly for 15 minutes. Or cuddled and sweetly “made love to” without any ierce passion, because that would be violent. Or that you have to touch this, rub that, circle that other thing and press here – to get the magic gumball to appear.

In fact, as an alert player – you will be called upon to do all of these things- but not as a preplanned and robotic game plan. You must, must, must stay connected to her – her eyes, her pace of breathing, the writing of her body, the juiciness of her sweet fruit – so you can navigate what feels amazing to her and what is leaving her disengaged.

The play is the thing! Not the plan. There is no formula to being her best lover other than your attentiveness to her moment by moment.

And guess what – that’s exactly what you want from her in order to be your dream lover. You will be training her by your example. You can even vocalize it as you go along. Tell her what GREAT. Tell her what’s she’s doing right. Tell her if he needs to press harder or back off or whatever. You can tell her gently or you can scream it at her if the temperature is high and that will kick up the hot sexuality of the moment even higher.

Remember, there are no rules except (1) you want to leave her happier and more whole and respected and fulilled at the end of your session and (2) improvise, communicate, play according to whatever arises in the moment. If she gets nasty and naughty – amplify it. If you sense she needs more safety and cuddling – slow down and give her that.

Amplify her needs and desires.

Because we spent the irst third of this program honing our own senses and awareness…. You now have more skills, more levels of awareness and offering to bring to her. Use what you learned!

Use them in the bedroom, but then also…

Practice infusing the rest of your (erotic) life outside the bedroom with whatever energies you share with your lover. If you feel wonder- bring that wonder. If you feel gratitude – bring that gratitude to the rest of your life. If you feel mind-blowing crazy passion and the thrill of being alive – bring that to the rest of your life. Don’t leave what you experience and learn in the bedroom between the sheets. Because the erotic experience never stops. What happens in and out of the bedroom should FEED each other for you so that you become ever and ever a more erotically aware and sensate lover.

In this chapter, we will focus on making the actual bedroom experience as mind-blowing, as body-shivering, as explosive and as simmeringly lush and slow and gorgeous as possible. Trust

The house of sexuality is built on the foundation of trust. In order to jump high, you need to irst have your feet on the ground.

More to the point, the more that your woman trusts that “you’ve got her back” even as you are kissing her down her front, the more she will open to you and the more generous and available she will be.

The best lovers genuinely care about (even if not necessarily deeply for) their lovers. This does not mean that you have to be “in love.” You don’t have to love this woman. But you do need to love women – and she is part of that tribe. As you will learn in the Bonus Report on the 7 Types of Sexing – you can move together through all kinds of connected sex. Some of it connected at a body level, others at the common, personality level – and you can also intertwine with each other as avatars of the eternal masculine and feminine in a deeply spiritual, celebratory dance of lovemaking.

As the kids say, it’s all good.

What will make her trust you? Well, how about we start with this? – you are trustworthy

That means you follow through on your word. You are awake to her fears and resistances and “check in” with her during sex – even during the heat of sex to see that she feels safe and that she is getting what she wants. You hold yourself back from hurting her and respect her requests or cries to “stop doing that!” whatever that may be. Sometimes, it’s good to tell a woman straight out that she is safe with you. That her well being and your care for her are primary.

Once, I was with a striking young beauty well over 20 years younger than me. She was far smarter than her peers and we had a fascinating and worldly discussion over dinner. It was all very sweet and connected. But as I was laying her down into the bed, she looked me in the eyes and said, “I feel as if I’m being seduced by a professional.”

I responded, keeping eye contact, “You are. But that doesn’t mean that everything I said tonight wasn’t absolutely authentic.”

So the inal way to have your lover feel that you are trustable: tell the truth.

Awakening Her Physical Body

Some truths are eternal. For example…

You get back what you give…

So when it comes to cultivating your dream love from your women, you want to irst, as best you can, give her all the pleasure she can absorb. Here are some tips on making sure that she is experiencing maximum pleasure…

So many people get caught up in a predictable progression when it comes to lovemaking. You kiss. You lick a nipple. You give oral. You penetrate. You come. You see what’s in the fridge.

Lovemaking, bringing out her erotic best, is a process of continual discovery – and the interplay of connection. Fierce eye gazing as you drive into her, and pulling away your attention to play on her body like a light rain over a landscape. There is play in the variations of connection and pulling away. Think of a cat playing with a mouse. Think of two lovers chasing each other through the forest – now revealing themselves, now dissolving into the foliage.

There is a delicious hide-and-seek mystery to the process…

What is not mysterious is hide-and-hide. And yes, so many men, when the sex begins, get lost. You get lost in her body. You get lost in watching your bodies intertwine. You get lost in your fantasies.

And what women often complain about is that they feel as if you are just masturbating using their bodies as your tool.

So be sure re-connect with her from time to time – and stay connected for as long as it serves her opening.

Stop and stroke her wet hair as you gaze into her eyes and tell her how beautiful she is, how much you cherish her, how happy you are right now in this moment. Ask her what would make her happiest?

Don’t just “rub.” The ancient tantric teachers instructed you to vary your touching and indulge in at least 6 kinds of physical touch…

Ø Stroke her… Ø Pinch her… (it doesn't have to hurt) Ø Scratch her… Ø Spank or slap her – go for the sensation of a sharp “snap” of a slap - to wake up her skin. Don’t punch or follow through as you would with a genuine strike. Ø Tap her… (I spoke with a sexual trauma specialist and she said that slapping or spanking can be traumatic if you don’t know a woman’s sexual history – so replace that with gentle tapping all over her body) Ø Squeeze her… as you hold her arms, give a irm little squeeze to let her know you are “claiming” her, or like shackles on her wrists – that you she is your prisoner or sex-slave for the moment. Squeeze her feet. Give her hands a squeeze. For edge play, you can squeeze her neck, but obviously – careful there.

Stop the pounding and gently kiss her and admire her face, her neck, her shoulders, her lips…

And don’t merely “kiss” – palpably “inhale” her as you go, widening your intake of breath the way you widen your eyes as you behold wonder. Let her feel as if you are breathing in her sweetness all over her body. Let her feel as if you are “drinking her in” – especially down below. Tell her you can’t wait to “drink her in.” Not only will this help you to pace yourself but she'll also be pleasantly surprised that you're making love to her – and not just to her body.

Note: speaking of pacing yourself, if you are a decade or more older than you’re lover, few things are more embarrassing than getting breathless or having your calves lock up on you. So practice – as an erotic practice, not merely as a self- preservational one – modulating your pace with her right from the beginning. If you tend to be a bulldog in bed, modulate your pace from the irst time you are together – so she senses this is your style, not your attempt to prevent a heart attack.

You want to teach your lover to pleasure you, to pleasure and awaken all your senses. So you teach her this by demonstration. Awaken her pleasure centers one by one… sense-by-sense…

Awaken Her Hearing

When the sack session is so silent that your girl can hear crickets chirping in the background, she may think, "Gee, is it that bad?" That's why if you surprise her with unexpected moans or even a "God, that's amazing," she'll be psyched.

When you make noise or give a compliment, especially if it's out of your usual character, with enthusiasm or from a place of deep gratitude – she’ll feel as if she's really pleasing you. It boosts her conidence in her sex skills and encourages her to initiate that feel-good move for you in the future. Which is your goal.

Again, try not to be predictable. Use the whole symphony of your voice to give her feedback. Here are some beautiful sounds you can deploy…

Ø ”Mmmmmmm” – a nice throaty mmmmm sound can let her now that you are pleased – and that she should do more of the same Ø Growl – I discovered this by mistake – but some women get hugely turned on when you look them in the eye, or at their pussy before you nibble or lick and just growl deep in your throat like a predator. Low. Growly. Throaty. It wakes up something feral. Ø Ahhhhh – this is a great sound of discovery. You could breathe it when she reveals her breasts, when she turns over – at any moment when something is revealed and you can let her know that you are appreciative of her beauty. Ø Inhale deeply through the nose – yes, there’s a sound to that. Breathe in her skin. Breathe in her “essence” and let her feel how much you are savoring her.

At the same time, listen to the slightest variations of the sounds she makes. Her breath may quicken or deepen. She may moan ever so slightly. As she indicates pleasure with motion or sound, lean into her pleasure.

There is no science to this. There is, however, sensitivity and response. Pay close attention to her and respond accordingly.

Awaken Her Sense of Taste

We lick each other’s bodies and taste the salt of our sweat.

But there is so much more you can bring to the feast.

You can pour honey over her honey pot and go all Winnie the Pooh on her.

You can buy body chocolate and paint her nipples and her belly and slowly lick your way down.

You can squeeze fresh fruit between her legs or over her lips and drink lusciously.

You can decorate her body with tiny delectables – chocolate nibs or blue berries and just nibble your way all around her body.

You can put an overripe plum between your two mouths and ind your way to each other without using your hands. Juices will drip down your chins and onto your body (don’t choke on the pit).

You can feed her super-ripe farm-fresh organic strawberries ever…. so…… slowwwwwwwlllyyyyyyyy…

Don’t just eat these delicious things – savor them! The very word savor comes from the root, “to taste.” Slow down! Take ive minutes to eat that strawberry and let all its complex tastes ill your mouth.

Feed each other.

Taste her sweat.

Be each other’s slow food.

Awakening Her Sense of Smell

For this, it’s fun to play a blindfold game. Have a series of fresh fruit, little jars of spices or essential oils hidden nearby.

Then, whispering, ask her which each one is as you hold it just under her nose. When she gets it right, dab some on her lips, let it stay there a moment and then slowly kiss, lick or nibble it off. Give good long attention to her upper lip, as many say that the nerves connected to her upper lip are connected to the same brain center as those connected to her clitoris. Take your sweeeeet time with this game until she can’t stand it any longer and pushes you back and ravishes you.

Awakening Her Skin Through Touch

Ok, welcome to the garden of earthly delights.

Women appreciate it when you awaken them to the beauty and sensitivity of their bodies.

Don’t go right for the breasts as if they are two cantaloupes.

Take your time before you get to her genitals…

You can drag your ingernails gently along her forearm especially over the wrist and the inside the elbow where her feeling is most sensitive. You can do the same across her armpits. You can up the pressure and “scratch” slightly all over her body, especially on her back and on her scalp (where there are a maximum number of nerve endings).

You can kiss or nibble or slightly bite her all over body, awaking every inch of her.

And then of course you can get creative. I grow anise in my yard for the bulbs, but one day discovered that the feathery fronds made for a great sex toy.

If you buy roses or pick them – gently run them along her body, lay them there, brush their velvety softness on her lips

[Caution – if you end up making love on the petals, you can kiss those sheet good bye. Those stains don't come out!]

You can buy a special wax candle that drips wax onto each others’ bodies for an extra hot sensation.

Test out different kinds of condoms, from ribbed to “ire and ice.” Yes, I’m not kidding. There are condoms that give extra heat and cold sensations. It’s the Wild West out there, folks.

You can use feathers and back scratchers, vibrators and massagers.

Go to the local sex toy store and ask to see what’s there. There are vibrators that clamp over her clitoris while you penetrate. There are cock rings that vibrate and stimulate her while you are fully inserted. There are eggs you can insert and control by remote control.

Apple isn’t the only one out there advancing technology! The sex toy industry has been busy. Bring your girl to the shop and ask for help from the shop girl. Have her show you all the signs and wonders.

Or look at items at AdamandEve.com or GoodVibrations.com - and experiment. Pleasures await! Finally, I want to offer you a game to learn each other’s bodies, to learn what feels good, and to create and prolong so much sexual tension that one of you will burst.

The Numbers Game…

One of you is the toucher. The other is the receiver. No words are spoken except by the receiver and all the receiver can say is a number – anything between 1 and ten.

The toucher touches the receiver. In any way, anywhere. The receiver keeps a steady measure of how good the touching feels. 2 is not so great. 9 is exquisite. 10 can’t get any better.

The receiver should not wait for a sensation but just give steady feedback… 2…..2…..2….5….7….3…..9…..9….!!!

In this way, the toucher can adapt and experiment and learn what actually feels good for the receiver.

It is crucial that the spell is not broken and absolutely no other words are said by either party.

Set a clock with an alarm for 3 minutes, or 5 or 10 or beyond.

Then switch.

Tending Her Emotional Body

Sexuality is all about opening.

Opening yourself to the low of feeling, emotion passing through you, as well as opening to the full reality of your partner.

It means opening your partner to her own full experience of her body as a luscious vehicle of love -- and to her self-love and self-acceptance. The reality is, however, that when you bring a lover to bed, you are not encountering a blank slate. She has a history and that history may not be a pretty one. About 1/3 of women have experienced sexual abuse as children or rape as a child or adult. The pain that so many women carry around the vulnerability of their bodies, though often not admitted up-front, runs deep – and will emerge as she opens more and more to you.

She may cry. She may curl up and hug her knees. She may merely just check out and let you have your way with her, the same way she “disembodied” when that damnable uncle or neighbor raped her. Stay awake to these things.

Now, I am fully aware that as a man, you may not want to have to deal with this. You might think, “Hey, I didn’t abuse her, why should I have to deal with this? Why can’t we just have sex.” Especially when you’ve got her naked right there in bed with you. You may not want to have to bring in her whole painful history. You just want to have a good time.

I get it. And I don’t judge you for having that instinct. I’ve been there, and I’m sure I’ll be there again.

However…

It is your humane gift, as a man, as a man of experience, to help women heal. That is my belief. To me it is a privilege to heal others, to make their lives better and not merely to use their bodies for my pleasure.

So I urge you to consider your role as a sexual healer for her, and your role as a man, protective and cherishing of woman.

You will not only like yourself better, but you will, as a bonus, earn the respect, connection and devotion of your lover in ways that most men will never experience.

That said, you are not a trained sexual healer. Your woman may need therapy. She may need touch therapy to release the stored pain memories in her pelvis. She may need trauma therapy if the abuse was bad enough. So you can’t be expected to be the one and only vehicle of her healing. But if you encounter deep shame or deep pain welling up in her from her past, there are a few things you can do…

1: You can immediately halt any “neediness” lowing from you and switch into servant of her healing. That means you may want to stop penetration and focus on cradling her, stroking her hair, telling how much you cherish, adore, value or love her (depending on the truth), and allow her to talk, tell you her story, or cry.

2: You can accept her in her totality without any reserve. She needs this so much right now, because she is not accepting herself. She may feel that there is something wrong or shameful about who she is because of what was done to her. There is a sickness in our culture that blames women for causing rape, molestation, abuse. You want to be as far from that voice as possible, reafirm that she is innocent, that she is beautiful, that she is perfect. That shit happens, but that doesn’t change that she is perfect and lovely in all ways. That her value is who she is, not what “happened” to her sometime in the past.

3: If there is a speciic memory, you can try physically “replacing” the pain with love. You can do this by telling her that is what you are doing, by massaging the wounded area of her body with a slow, light, healing touch, telling her that you are putting all of your affection or love (whatever is true in the speciic case) into that area. Tell her all you want her to do is to breathe in your touch, breath in your love and cherishment. As best as you are able, stay present with her, keep her present with you, talking to her, guiding her to recieve more and more love, telling her that she is fully accepted, that she is fully good, that she is fully perfect, that she is fully loved. She may weep or lash out because she doesn't’ believe it, but stay with her, with soft murmurings and reassurance that she is good, perfect, loved. Until she can inally hear and receive this message. Ahhhhh. What a gift this is you can give. And seriously, bless you if you can do this for a woman.

3: Try, as best you can to bring her into the realms of sacred rather than ego- centric sexuality right now. That means releasing the search for your or even her pleasure. It means releasing need. Releasing lack. Releasing all judgment. All possessiveness. All goals. It means, as best as you can, illing yourself with, loating in, and expressing unconditional love. So that she may – perhaps for the irst time in her life – express her true heart, fully, with all its tears, all its truths, all its shame and all its human beauty. Be her divine and ininite unjudging, unneeding container and receiver. 4: And remember, at the deepest spiritual reality, at the level of Source, we are all mirrors of each other, part of each other, puzzle pieces of one reality. The love that you give to her in this moment may alter and heal and change her life forever.

The more healing you can bring your woman, the more open and present and vulnerable and surrendered she can be with you. You are not only healing her, you are creating, by virtue of your steady, skilled hand and loving heart – your dream lover.

Stimulating Her Mind

This is the realm of fantasies and focus.

Let’s do focus irst because it’s simpler. Some women will ind that their minds wander during sex. They may be anxious about something, including the sex! They may start checking out because they are not comfortable or have some trauma left over from their past (I deal with this elsewhere in this book.

For now, know that you can say to her:

“I’m here” or

“I’m with you” or

“You’re safe” or

“I want to look into your eyes”

Or you can tap, spank or gently slap her to bring her back. Fantasies are a whole other realm…

Feel free to play-act together. You never know how imaginative she is until you open that door. You can lead, or start the fantasies, or she can start. But here’s the thing – once she starts, don't contradict or “interrupt her fantasy. If you want to build on it, do it by asking… “And is anyone watching us?” rather than “And there’s a buxom blonde maid watching us through the window.” You will ruin the spell she is creating for herself with your clumsy additions.

So in this case, follow her lead, because she will get herself aroused…

There is an improve acting game called “yes… and.” Meaning you never contradict or change directions… you merely add on in the direction she is creating.

Let her choose…. unless she wants you to choose. This allows her to relax into her fantasies…

And make her more generous and enthusiastic in fulilling yours when it’s your turn.

You can start with asking about her fantasies…

“Let’s play… what fantasies do you have? Who do you want me to be?”

If she has trouble coming up with something for whatever reason, offer her some scenarios…

Did she ever want to sleep with her brother’s friends? Did she ever want to sleep with her son’s friends? Did she ever want to sleep with her father’s friend? Did she ever want to sleep with her minister, priest rabbi? Has she ever wanted to be penetrated by 2 or 3 or more men at once? Is there a racial fantasy she has? Is there a location she fantasizes about? In a crowded room? A beach, a bathroom in a fancy restaurant.

Once she picks a story or a location or a couple of characters, then ask her sensual details… Ask her what does she see? What are the materials in the room? What’s the light like? How is she dressed? What does her clothing feel like against her skin?

What does she hear? Is there music playing? Are there voices? Whose voices? Might you be discovered? Is there danger?

What does she feel? Is she nervous? Is anything pressing against her? Is she self lubricating?

Use all the sensual awakening skills you learned in part 1 of this book.

And have fun with this.

Remember – she gets what she wants.

When she offers, and if she’s any kind of lover, she will, ask for what you want.

If you’re nervous about freaking her out – preface it by saying, “remember - no judgment” while you also reassure her that she is “safe” with you. Again, this allows her to relax.

Safety is the foundation of all bodily opening with women.

ORAL WONDERS

The thing about giving oral pleasure to women is that most “guides” focus on the mechanics. Where to put your tongue, your lips, your ingers. They often forget that in many cases, women orgasm more reliably from cunnilingus than they do from intercourse, and it should be treated with all the honor of being “the main event.”

With that in mind, let’s review what you “need” to know…

Ø Ask. Start by asking her what she loves, what she doesn't, what she’s curious about trying. Every woman is different. Ask her to guide you as you go, using the numbers game I have given you just above. Ø Variety. In many ways, variation is the rule until you hit a stride and she starts digging it. Stop variation when she grabs your ears and pulls you down – and keep doing whatever it is that she is loving.

Ø Enthusiasm. Most women – not all – are self conscious about the taste and aroma of their honeypot (not to mention the euphemisms we use!) – so your demonstration of enthusiasm and approval will go a long way to relax her into orgasmic readiness.

Ø Make some good, slurpy, joyful noises, like you are eating the most delicious meal you have ever had. Do or say absolutely nothing to reinforce her paranoia about taste or smell -- or you may get banished forever. Make it clear that she smells like lowers to you. Breathe deep draughts of her in. Tell her how beautiful her pussy is. How delicious. Tell her how you have been thinking about tasting and licking her all day. Tell her that she tastes like a garden, like a goddess, like springtime (and not springtime in Trenton). Tell her you want to drink her down, that her pussy is like the elixir of youth.

Ø Variety. In many ways, variation is the rule until you hit a stride and she starts digging it. Stop variation when she grabs your ears and pulls you down – and keep doing whatever it is that she is loving.

Ø Don't stop, slow down, don't do it too much harder or softer, just repeat it... get her excited through variation, bring her to orgasm through repetition. It’s in the Bible. Or should be.

Ø Did I mention variety? Vary the style, speed, and pressure with which you perform oral upon her. Vary how you hook your elbows around her thighs or lift her up, or gently raise the hood over the clitoris. You are a whole body – use it!

Ø More variety! Don’t just get a lickin’! Breathe over her. Run you lips up her thighs. Murmur your lips over her labia. Kiss around the bullseye. Suckle her thigh just below the smile. Don’t miss those soft tender hollows of her hipbone on either side of her mound of Venus (I do love euphemisms!). Lick and tease the area above her clitoris before you dive in. Make her wait. Exquisite anticipation… Ø When you've teased her to the point where she's squirming and moaning, or telling you to start licking the pussy itself already, then move your head right between her legs, look her in the eye, give her a “you’re going to really get it now” look, place your lips and tongue directly over her clitoris (if she hasn't already pushed your head down there), place your lips all along her lips like a lippy Tupperware and…

Ø At irst lick the clitoris softly (make sure your mouth is wet) and slowly, without much pressure -- delicately. Then treat her pussy as you would an exquisite mouth. Kiss it. Kiss it passionately. Play with the lips. Touch your tongue on her “tongue.”

Ø Whoa! More variety! Once you have begun, don’t get too focused. Flow lovingly from kissing and licking her labia, her clitoris, her upper thighs. Fill her opening with your tongue. If she likes that, slide your tongue in and out of her hole, like it's your penis.

Ø If you’re into it – vary it up some more and touch your tongue to her ass (you begin to see why I’m such a big fan of a nice bath or hot tub before making love. For you farmers out there, I often say it is my equivalent of a sheep dip) Lick around her rim, dart your tongue and treat it like Venetian glass. Nothing gets rammed in there, even your tongue.

Ø As Ian Kerner writes so clearly in his book, The Cliterate Male, you should never assume your partner is as excited as you are. Even if she's wet down there, her physical arousal may not be indicative of the psychological arousal she is -- or isn't -- feeling. Instead, he advises, focus on these other signs…

-an increase in the pace of her breathing -an increase in her body temperature and heart rate -a high state of tension in her muscles -a tightening of her abdominal muscles -a throbbing of her pelvic muscles -a general "bearing down" on the pelvic area.

Ø As she begins to climax or moan more, enjoy it, keep a rhythm of licking her, whatever she is enjoying (or telling you to do). Avoid the common mistake of speeding up or licking HARDER now, thinking that will bring her to orgasm. Slow and steady – and SAME. Ø Its called giving head because you can use your whole head! (not really) In any case, project your enthusiasm by engaging the muscles in your neck and shoulders. Your whole head, your whole body really can echo your tongue - sweeping, repeating, constant motion, with your tongue and lips still swirling and stimulating her clit over and over until she starts to shudder.

Ø At this point… keep doing the EXACT same thing, unless she positions you differently or gives you instructions. DON'T STOP until they're done coming. Then, once they've collapsed and are exhausted.. well, this is the beauty of being a woman – you can start all over again.

Ø Give her the inger. Just as you should use your entire body, so too should you apply your inger. Some women like when you rub your (lubed or pre-wetted) inger along her labia. Some don’t like you to insert it – they are rightfully aware of infections and want to know where your inger has been of late. Try putting the tips of your ingers into her vagina, instead, while still using your mouth, and play with the entrance. Do not rush to push your ingers in deep. There are far more nerve endings at the entrance of the vagina than anywhere else and you should make good use of every single one!

Ø If you do insert, one of the most reliable stimulating practices is to suckle or lick her clitoris while you do the famous “come here” motion with your foreinger on her g-spot just above the opening on the front interior wall of her vagina. But you knew that already, didn’t you?

Ø Even if you know it all, here’s some more detail because this shit is important! First, make sure your nails are clipped and not sharp-edged. You will ind her g-spot as a slightly rough patch on the FRONT INNER WALL of her vaginal room, above the hole itself. So, in, up, and back towards the entrance. Start with one inger, then if she is not too tight, two ingers. With the “come here” movement, pull the pads of your ingertips over that spot, with some good pressure. You can stroke it steadily or tease it. Feel what she loves most.

Ø If you’re dong it right, you'll start to hear squooshy, sponge-like sounds. The g-spot is actually quite like a sponge, it contains a lot of liquid.. Keep pressing your ingers against it, over and over, rhythmically, with the same kind of rhythm as if you were penetrating her with your penis.

As she starts to get wetter, and enjoy it more, you can increase the force – you can really “ingerbang” her hard against that g-spot even, slamming her with your ingers while being careful of her outer labia.

Ø If she says it hurts, slow down or stop. If she’s not wet, add lube or give her big wet slurpy kisses.

Ø Consider placing a pillow or two beneath her pelvis. It will make her hot spots easier to access and more exposed.

Ø Explore. Go all Lewis and Clark on the girl! Try different things, different numbers of ingers, different parts of her pussy and ass. Finger her as you kiss her. Finger her as you go down on her. Try all variations. And continually pay attention.

Ø The Elusive Female Ejaculation. See under “Amrita.” Look, I tend not to promote the “achievement” of sexuality, so I don’t ant to make a big deal about female ejaculation. In short, some women do it all the time. I have gotten drenched – as if a bucket of water is being thrown in my face. Some women gush. Some squirt. But most have never had this experience – and some don’t even know about it at all!

Ø Without getting into the mysterious science of it, women, when you stimulate them as described above, will suddenly feel the need to pee. You may need to reassure her that it’s not pee, that she should just relax and you keep on doing what you’ve been doing. You might even get into a wrestling match as she tries to close her legs or pull away – but do not let up!

Ø If she is a girl who can or tends to ejaculate “amrita” luid, about 10-40 seconds after the pee sensation begins, she will start to cum. When she does, still DON'T STOP! Just keep your pressure and rhythm going, even harder and harder and harder, pressuring the g-spot upwards all the while.

Ø Now she should start to ejaculate. She'll scream, and her pussy will start shooting clear (transparent), odorless liquid all over the place. There could be a lot of it, it might soak you completely and soak the sheets and everything around her, so make sure you're prepared. Wear galoshes.

Ø If she’s never had one before, the squirting orgasm will likely be the best orgasm of her life. Most women CAN squirt – although it is rare that a man knows what he is doing enough to make it happen. (If it’s available still, check out Steve P’s White Tantra DVD series. Get visual instruction on this one).

Ø If you want her to ejaculate in dousing volumes, and if she loved the experience, make sure she drinks great huge glasses of water before you have sex again.

Ø If she’s hydrated, she should be able to orgasm and squirt again within 5-10 minutes later. Usually, you have to do it harder each time as her sensitivity will grown course. If she does in fact have multiple ejaculations of luid – she will likely pass out from exhaustion. Make her drink water before she vanishes with the sandman.

Ø Don’t Forget To Enjoy the fruits of your efforts. As you bring her to mind-blowing climax, watch – if you can – her face contort with that delicious agony. Stay with her through the entire process. See if she looks down and greet her eyes with your determined eyes – right until the end. And beyond. You’re aloud to feel proud of yourself now. Let her know you know you are “the man.” But the fun is not over…

Ø After she has come, wait a few minutes. Let her breathing return. Gently kiss her belly, her wrists, her breasts. Really, anything but her clit. Then – ever so slowly – like a coming storm, work yourself back down to your ield of triumph….

Ø Let her remember who you are and what you can do. Gently kiss her pussy a few times, gently licks. She will either warm up more quickly since she is “pre-owned” or she might be so sensitive she is now done! If she moans, with a lat tongue, start her up again – and her next orgasm will likely be not that far away. Ø This one skill above all others will earn you gratitude points in droves. Enjoy the process. And the rewards.

For more detail on arousing women – more detail than most men will ever get to put into effect (!) check out, She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman – by Ian Kerner as well as his other book I mentioned above – The Cliterate Male. If you’re going to be expert in something in your life, why not this? J

INTERCOURSE

Many people consider intercourse the “main event.”

But many others, myself included, ind that it is something to be integrated, to low into a whole intertwining of oral, manual and verbal play, one moving smoothly or suddenly into the next.

There are few important things to say about intercourse when it comes to bringing out the dream lover in your partner…

Ø no one is the same, so some women may love to get pounded and some may love slow sweet lovemaking. Pay attention to her breathing and her response… and ask!

Ø Whether you are on top, below or behind – play with the angle of penetration – so that your penis may hit her back inside toward the anus, in front along her g-spot or even high up inside at her cervix, where enough stimulation can evoke a “uterine orgasm” – so different and so much more internal than her usual clitoral orgasms.

Ø I know you want to impress your lover with your vitality and youthful force and stamina – but drop that early. Your attention to the ebb and low of her excitation will likely have a far more profound affect on her pleasure.

Ø Vary it up, cowboy! Unless she grabs you and keeps you “in position” so she can orgasm against you with you “right there” – low from position to position, angle to angle, intercourse to oral, inger to penis, or both and/or in both holes down below

Ø Note: I don’t care what porno’s show about “ass to mouth” or ass to anything – there are nasty germs up there and any time you enter it with your inger, your lips, your cock or any kind of toy – wash that shit right away and disinfect. You owe it to yourself AND to her.

Ø There has been so much written about “positions” – the truth is that she will enjoy different positions and at different times. Some women will only come on top and some only in doggie. Over time, you can experiment, but in the beginning, go with her low – and expand slightly on angles, speeds, circular motions, shifting your weight or pressing your hips into her at different angles. Play. Discover. Learn. Beneit.

Ø Don’t forget lying side by side, moving in and out of her, gazing into those gorgeous peepers of her. Guys often forget this one, in favor of the Olympiad.

The Kama Sutra, if you didn’t know, offered sexual positions that are basically yoga postures adapted to the art of lovemaking. These positions each evoke different health, connection and healing energies – literally creating energetic circuits between you and your lover. The most connected circuit of course is when you are moving in and out of her and kissing her at the same time. What the Tantrics call the “upper” and “lower” gates.

ORGASM

It is called “the little death” in French, because our bodies, well, our male bodies anyway, release hormones that put us to sleep. But also something dies in us – thought, consciousness, the chattering of our minds. For an extended moment, we get to escape our everyday world of pressures, status, bills, need, anxiety. We die to our little selves.

But what are we, in this moment, born into?

For starters, we are born into full-body pleasure, which is something men rarely get to experience. We rarely allow ourselves to experience it. I suggest that you make the most of it and see just how powerful an experience you can create from your orgasm.

Before you come, as you feel the heat rising inside the shaft of your penis, gather, as if on streams of light or heat – all the energy available in your body – from the crown of your head, from the tips of your inger and toes, from the depths of your most powerful sinews – suck it all up like a vacuum drawing might and energy and light and consciousness from your ENTIRE body – and then, storing it up building it up in the base of your penis, hold it back until you're the Hoover Dam x 1000 – and then ire all your collected power into your lover – eyes locked hers if the angle allows it.

That. Is. An. Orgasm. She. Will. Feel.

You might ind that you scream at the top of your lungs. Go for it. You might ind that you are so spiritually locked into her or into the force that drives the green fuse that you are loating in awed silence even as shoot the force of entire Amazon river basin into her. Also ine.

There is no “right” way to orgasm.

[By the way – you have more resources to draw from for your orgasm. Here’s another practice: try drawing power, not merely from the depth and extremities of your body – but from the burning core of the Earth, from the heat of volcanoes, from the balls of ire that are the stars, from the warmth of sun-drenched ields, the starkness of glaciers, the blood of beasts, the might of granite cliffs and peaks. You are one with them anyway – so draw them into your body and low the power that the physical universe offers you and drive them into the body of your woman so that she can feel as much as she is able to receive. Women are often exquisitely sensitive and will feel the difference. Not always, but often, and that’s okay too. Your task is to offer your best.]

There is no right and no wrong way to orgasm. Every person is unique and every orgasm is unique. There are so many factors going into your and her orgasms… location, time, context, physical, energetic, emotional and mental conditions.

The irst gift I can give to you and your lover is to enjoy your orgasms. That may sound obvious to you but there is a secret hidden within. And that is to let go of all judgments around your orgasms. In some ways, they are visitors to your body. Yes, you can guide them, visualize them, but with all the physiological and emotional factors lowing into your moments of orgasm, they often arrive with surprises. Maybe your “load” is huge, or maybe it’s small. Maybe it shoots over head and hits the wall. Or maybe it plops out in a little pool, like a burp.

The point is that none of these things have metaphorical signiicance or relect upon you as a man.

Enjoy your orgasm, feel it as a gift as is arrives, as it comes, and as it passes.

Your orgasm is a gift of feeling. Receive it joyfully and gratefully as you would any gift and let then let it go…

Also, “feel” without judgment the natural ebbs and lows of your orgasm. Yes, there are climax or “peak” moments, heights of excitation and “goal” oriented ejaculation.

But there is also what is known as the “valley” moments of orgasm, where you slow down and feel the moment more deeply. Where there is no goal, but only the fullness of the moment, the fullness of your body alive and aglow. As you develop more consciousness and more control over your orgasm, you will ind that you experience longer periods of actually “being orgasmic” – of being in peak state over a duration, rather than just peaking in a splat of ejaculation when you get excited.

How do you develop these skills? There are many resources on this, and the classic work is Mantak Chia’s Taoist masterpiece… The Multi-Orgasmic Man: Sexual Secrets Every Man Should Know

I want to give you the basics and make it easy for you. I ind that in many resources on Tantra or Taoist sexuality, there is dificult terminology that just makes everything distant and “mystical.”

Here is your basic guide to Tantric or Taoist orgasm” which has many beneits, including giving you more energy, helping you last WAY longer in bed, and yes, on the ego level, impressing your lover with your cool, mystical ninja sex skills. 1: Orgasm is believed to “drain” your body energy, not just physically but spiritually. So…

2: It is recommended that you limit your ejaculations. This does not mean that you limit your orgasms. You can orgasm without ejaculating, thereby experiencing bliss and communion with your lover and the divine, but not losing any bit of your life force.

3: To feel and enjoy your orgasm fully without ejaculation, do this practice when you masturbate. Bring yourself to orgasm, but when you feel the heat collecting in the shaft of your penis, while you are still touching yourself, focus and draw that heat up back into abdomen and with a powerful, deep breath – BREATHE it up your spine slowly, feeling it rise, vertebra by vertebra… breathe it right up throught the straight column of your neck and up and out the crown of your head… where you can watch it dissipate into a cool umbrella of cool energy falling all around you slowly and gently and lovingly and protectively.

Feel enveloped in that energy. Now breathe out slowly and you are free to return to your stimulated penis.

You will ind, as you practice this, that you will experience the most exquisite orgasmic heat and release throughout your body rather than ejaculating.

Yes it’s a neat trick. But it does take practice. The rewards are great.

4: Another practice you can use is when you urinate to contract your “pc” muscle which located between your testicles and your anus. That area so charmingly called your “taint” (‘tain’t your balls, ‘taint your ass). This muscle can put sudden pressure on your urethra – and cause your stream of urine to halt. It can also put pressure on the tubes that deliver your ejaculate – and can cause it to get bottled up. Of course if you are too late, you can hold back a few seconds, but it will shoot forth.

Your practice is to halt your urine low at least 7 times every time you pee. This will make your muscle literally stronger and give you more control over your orgasm. However, I ind that the meditation practice mentioned above is far more satisfying and less “force” oriented. You will discover that when you make these two practices work together, you will have a kind of control that you’ve never experienced before.

And it is something most women rarely witness. They tend to ind your ability to discipline yourself highly masculine and sexy. Although some women, untrained and narrowly educated, will still believe that if you don’t ejaculate, she has not “performed” suficiently. It is your opportunity to introduce to this deeper kind of non-goal-obsessed sex.

5: These spiritual traditions can be pretty fervent in recommending not ejaculating. They say you live longer and healthier because you are preserving your “chi.” Yes, maybe. I’m no doctor. But I can tell you something with absolute certainty…

When you do have the ability to orgasm without ejaculating, when you jump off the treadmill of “sexual display” or “sexual goals” and stay in a pleasant orgasmic state for longer and longer periods of time as you are pleasuring your partner, then you lost that edge of “neediness” that women feel is deeply un-masculine. When you don’t “need” to come, you can enjoy the dance of Eros with your lover. You will feel nothing like the grunting, snortling, 1- minute-wonder she might be used to.

Which is good for everybody.

A Further Note on Orgasm

I have a pet peeve when it comes to sex.

I believe that our culture of achievement has created a fetish around orgasms. Yes, orgasms are wonderful. Orgasms can cause a woman to shudder, to transform, to release years of anxiety and tension.

As the teacher, Osho writes, orgasm at best…

“…is a state where your body is no longer felt as matter; it vibrates like energy, electricity. It vibrates so deeply, from the very foundation, that you completely forget that it is a material thing. In orgasm, you come to this deepest layer of your body where matter no longer exists, just energy waves; you become a dancing energy, vibrating.”

Orgasm together is one of the most exquisite experiences you can have with a partner – the deepest moment of “beyond-personality” bonding you can ever have.

[In fact, I often say that “simultaneous orgasm” and “passive income” are my two favorite compound terms in the English language.]

But the drive for orgasm as “proof” that a sexual encounter was a “success” makes the horrible crime against sex of mistaking the destination for the journey.

Your woman may believe, because she’s watched so much more porn in her formative years, that orgasm is necessary.

It’s not.

What is necessary is honesty and clarity around the issue.

Therefore, I highly suggest to you to open a discussion BEFORE you have sex around orgasm. Tell her that you want to deeply connect with her, or have a great time, or whatever is true for you.

And tell her a lot of people worry about orgasms, but “it’s about the journey not the destination.” Ask her if has trouble orgasming or ask her how she usually orgasms.

Ask her if orgasm is important to her.

Ask her not to fake an orgasm if you don’t want her too.

Ask her during sex if that was an orgasm (it’s not always so clear)! You can often tell if she screams, or if the pace of her breath changes, or you can feel that slight change of viscosity on her labia.

Ask her is she wants more. When you are done, ask her if she wants more.

Ask her to always to tell you the truth.

Can you spot the key word in all the above?

That’s right: ask.

Keep the pressure off. In recent studies, it was shown that only 30% of women report reaching orgasm during sexual intercourse, but over 80% reach orgasm during masturbation.

So keep the lines of communication open around orgasm so there are no unmet expectations or shame or miscommunications.

Everybody should get what he or she wants – but they won’t if they don’t clearly ASK for it!

So…

Sometimes, women will tell you they may have never orgasmed before in their lives.

This is a perfect opportunity for you to turn what would otherwise be mere sexual contact into genuine sexual healing. This requires some extra understanding, effort and patience from you.

Orgasm is, at its core, an absolutely natural and universal spasm – a release of pent up energy. In this way, it is not unrelated to laughing and crying.

But whereas those two have an involuntary element to them, two things usually block a woman’s ability to sexually orgasm: namely she needs to

1) further relax and 2) accept herself more fully.

These don’t happen with a “special move.” They require patience on your part and a combination of both mental and physical opening. Follow the following steps. And, release any expectation of success. You might do “everything right” and still not be able to help her experience orgasm.

That’s got to be ok for you – and for her. The more pressure you put on yourself and on her, the more you are defeating your own purpose.

“Achievement” needs to not be the context, but rather a very patient healing process should be the context – where the connection during the journey is foremost, not the “goal.”

With that… here are the steps to consider to help her relax into orgasm. 1: Start with gentle, non-sexual energy massage. With this, all you want to do is make her feel cherished and adored. You want her to slowly release tension in her arms and legs, her back, her ingers and toes. All while whispering kind words – complimenting her on her beauty and her gradual relaxation.

2. Then, slowly move into entire body stimulation with touch, kisses, and massage, so she can feel her whole body being accepted and loved by you. This phase can progress to playful genital contact, but without any pressure to move into “sex.”

3. Pay attention to any fears or inhibitions that might arise – if she clenches or tenses in any way. She might experience a tensing of muscles, a desire become suddenly “elsewhere” in her mind or not present, feelings of fear, and/or physical discomfort.

When these things come up, there is probably an unconscious or even conscious memory of abuse or fear or shame – so remind her of how beautiful she is, how beautiful that part of her body is. You are “re-programming” her fear and shame in this case.

If she is self-conscious about the shape or smell or “shame” of her vagina, kiss it gently, even make out with it like it was the most delicious lover. Make noises of pleasure and tell her how beautiful she is there.

Something in her mind is unconsciously overriding her natural the orgasmic relex. Almost always, it is not a body problem, but a mental block or tension that is shutting down the body’s response.

Where you can be extra helpful is the stay alert – and sensitive – not only to any tension in her body blocking orgasm – but also to little signs that she is relaxing or having small “pre-orgasmic” reactions. Your job here is to gently and encouragingly coax out these sensations, making it safe for them to come out. After Sex, Postplay, AfterGlow

“For a woman, intimacy afterwards means being accepted. She experienced rejection from her father often enough as a child. She cannot and will not longer accept this kind of treatment. Bodily union is for the man often only a short excursion, for the woman it is home. As long as she doesn’t get it, she will either rebel or despair. But when she gets it she will understand and forgive.” - Dieter Duhm, Eros Unleashed

Did you get that – for “the woman it is home.”

Men love to make fun of the afterglow of sex, because, lets face it, our bodies really do tell us – go to sleep, get a sandwich, wander back onto the savannah and enjoy the happy hormone lood throughout our bodies.

But sadly, women feel pretty much the opposite. I love this quote from an article I recently read, because it so freaking obvious. Really? Do we need “studies” to “show” this?

"Studies show that following intercourse, the male brain often goes into a rest state — he feels drained and tired — while the woman's brain is stimulated and intensely desires bonding," explains Michael Gurian, therapist and author of What Could He Be Thinking: How a Man's Mind Really Works.

Studies or no studies, if we want our women to feel loved, cherished, special – and we want them to offer themselves up again with fullness and enthusiasm next time, it’s worth the extra effort to become a connoisseur of afterplay. As Duhm says elsewhere, “tenderness is the continuation of sexuality by other means.” In other words, what happens after everyone comes (or not) and collapses, is not something “other” than the sex act – it is simply the closeness, intimacy and vulnerability of sex moving into the next phase.

You want her to snuggle into the “home” of your strong, caring masculine protection, which is why I begin the quick, life-altering master-list of afterplay techniques with snuggling… 1: Cuddle That Girl

If you’re a man and if you’ve just come, and if you’ve expended a lot of energy in pleasuring her – and especially if you’re a bit older than her – she’s going to expect you to lop over like a beached manatee and plummet into sleep.

So imagine how shocked and pleased she'll be if you snuggle up against her after the act. The fact that she knows it’s an effort for you, makes your effort all the more appreciated and endearing.

If she’s young, she’s probably used to younger guys jumping up to check their texts and to shower, leaving her cold and ignored.

So rule number one: cuddle her close. Spoon her. Kiss the back of her neck. Nibble her ears. Interlace your ingers with hers and admire them. Kiss her ingertips. Tell her how beautiful she is. In fact, if you are doing your job, she will feel more beautiful now – without makeup, hair-tangled, sex-lushed, covered in sweat and juices – than she does when she joins you for a fancy dinner. If she does, then she will feel more and more comfortable being her “real” self and letting loose in bed. Which is a big win for everybody.

2: Stay Connected

Cuddling is only the physical part of staying connected. Your sweet murmurings into her ear is the verbal part. But you have an opportunity to take her deeper into her sensuality and devotion to you. I want you to feel where her heart is. Does she feel ashamed at all? Is she pulling away? Did she let it happen too quickly? Did she do something that was edgy or uncomfortable? Or is she feeling awesome and all powerful? Is she feeling the fullness of her sexual potency? Is she feeling that she has reached a new peak of womanly fulillment?

Read into her. And then appreciate, praise and reward exactly what you feel are her most delicious, self-loving thoughts. If you feel she might be feeling a bit embarrassed or shy, tell her how beautiful she is. How you admire her self-expression, her freedom. And of course how much you cherish her, how it makes you sad that everyone on earth can’t experience this moment right now, how beautiful and connected you feel to her. And by the way – be sincere. If you don't feel it, don’t say it. It only digs you deeper into being inauthentic, which only creates a deeper wound.

If, by the way, she feels awesome and free already, you can kick up your enthusiasm many notches, slap her on her ass, and tell her that she is, as a young woman once exclaimed to me, “fucking fantastic and fantastic fuck!”

Because it was a fun, sexy encounter in a hotel while I was traveling (I met her in the lobby) – there is no need to get into all the sweet, connected intimacy that I mentioned above.

Remember: know the level of sexing in which you are participating. Is it fun and primal, is it personality meeting personality, is it healing, is it tantric, etc. Be sure to read the accompanying report to this program on the 7 levels of sexing! It will give you a guide to how to act before during and after your encounters.

So – staying connected is not merely cuddling or sweet nothings. It’s staying connected to her internal state – and raising her self-love and pride in her body, her openness, her ability to connect with and pleasure you. p.s. sometimes women like to jump up and shower. Offer your care and connection, but if this is her habit or need, don’t force her to stay. She may need a few weeks or months to love herself enough to be cuddled after sex.

3. Keep Your Caresses Non-Sexual (At First)

As I said, you will surprise your woman if you merely cuddle her and stay with her emotionally and energetically for a short while. But here is something else you should consider. As you stroke her body, stay focused on her non- sexual parts at irst. Let her feel your cherishment of her “wholeness” not her “holeness.”

Then, slowly start including her erogenous zones, but making no special attention to them – include them merely as part of her whole beauty. It may be 5 or 10 or 15 minutes later but guess what – she may be so turned on, she’ll want to start up again.

Women, sexually speaking, are like crock-pots. She may take longer than you, but once you get them heated up – they stay heated! 4: What To Say

Have you ever wondered why it’s called whispering “sweet nothings”? Why “nothings”? Because in many ways, the content of what you say is not as important as the energy and tone with which you say it. If your voice is soft and loving, cherishing and praising, appreciative and admiring, that is what she will hear. Say "I love you” and how beautiful she is in as many different ways as you can imagine.

All you need to do now is to reassure her, with your words and your tone that this was amazing, that she is beautiful – and set yourself up for next time.

How do you do that?

You tell her what she did that was amazing for you. You tell her that she is an amazing lover. If you loved her screams and you want that again, tell her how much you loved her screams. If you loved the way she opened to you and trusted to you, tell her that. If you loved they way she kept her mouth clamped on your while you came and she didn’t let the pressure off, tell her how much you loved that. If you loved her ingernails on your back, tell her how sexy that was – “who knew you’d have so much ire in you?” When you put it that way, you’ll get double the lames next time.

The rule for words in the immediate afterglow is: afirmation of what you loved, appreciation, awe, cherishment, support, gratitude.

5: Clean That Girl

Shower or bathe together. If you play this right, it really is about the sexiest thing you can do. I mean really – hot, wet, nude bodies sliding against each other. Does life get better? Its not only emotional – it’s physiological –- the hot water stimulates blood low and circulation, which keeps your body feeling aroused and sensually alive. The steam of course makes everything look romantic, blurring as it does the rough or imperfect edges of your bodies. Running a soft sponge along her body. Washing her hair for her. Soaping up her torso while you start to lick and nibble her lovely bits. It’s about as erotic as life gets. Note: this is another reason to buy pure-ingredient artisanal soaps and shampoos – without all the chemicals in them. This way, neither of you will mind if you get some in your mouth.

There is a primal element to all of this. You do realize that “grooming” is a long established primate way of showing affection. That’s why women fall in love with their hairdressers, even if they are gay. Bring all the erotic self- training you learned in the irst section of this book to this moment. Slowly run your hands through hair.

A bath is great too. Have soft sponges handy. Have more slightly abrasive body scrubbers. The variety of touch is a sensual and care-taking turn on for her.

Tip: If you have a nice deep tub that its two – ill it half-way with boiling hot water before you two hit the sack. Then when you emerge, you just have to add some more water to adjust the temperature and ill the tub – and you don’t have to wait as long to get in. I am a huge lover of tubs and have long had a free- standing clawfoot tub at the base of a window that looks out over mountains. You can put one in your yard if you want. Or if you can get a hot-tub – well, lets just say that was the best investment I’ve ever made. Long, languorous holding and cuddling, stroking, foreplay and afterplay (I have a personal rule against actual sex in the hot-tub. That thing is s bitch to empty and ill!)

Tip: create an erotic immersion for her. Have these things handy for your afterglow bath: aromatic or healing bath salts, sensual shower gel, aromatherapy candles, chilled champagne or prosecco, brandy or port. You will be her favorite lover ever.

6: Don’t Pick Up The Phone

Listen, I’m guilty of it, so I’m not speaking from on high here. I’ve grabbed my phone to check messages probably within a minute of coming. In fact, a recent survey reported that over 60% of people have checked their phone DURING sex!

Do yourself a favor. Let it go. It cheapens her and it cheapens you. And even more importantly, it cheapens Eros. It cuts you off from the fullness and joy of the moment and throws you back into productive or work mode. Don’t you want more of a vacation from that part of yourself anyway? Similarly, don’t turn on the TV or any electronics, unless it’s her vibrator and you’re applying it to her.

7: Give Her a Massage

Just because the sex is over doesn't mean it's hands-off. Massage is a great way to maintain connection and show appreciation, while prolonging her glow (and reigniting it). Stay away from her pussy, as it might (if you’ve done your job, soldier) be extra tender for the moment. Trace light circles on her back or tummy. Starting at the chest, move around the navel, skim the pelvic bone and continue back. Or gently stroke your ingertips or ingernails from just under her chin, along the vulnerable soft her neck, down between her collarbone and breasts, circle her nipples but don’t stop and obsess there , and continue down to the hollows of her hips above her pubis and down to her thighs. Then slowly, right back up again. Life is grand, ain’t it?

8: Transition Her From Naughty To Nice Things may have gotten wild together. Maybe you used harsh or edgy language. Maybe she let go and called you “daddy” and, in her passion, asked you to do wild things to her. It’s possible that after a wild session, she might be a bit embarrassed by her abandon. Or that the dominant things that came out of your mouth that were so hot in the throes of passion now echo a bit awkwardly in the tranquility of relection. If you suspect that any of these things are true, then you have a wonderful opportunity to “be the man” and guide her out of the heat of sex back into the warmth of respect and cherishment. Michael Mirdad, author of several books on sexual healing and sacred sexuality, taught me the idea of sexy dressing – the reverse of sexy undressing. Sure we all love to tear each other’s clothes off. But how sexy is it to say, “let me dress you, your beautiful girl.” And slowly button her up, brush her hair, make her gorgeous and publically presentable again. There’s an edge of parenting in it, but also an air of worship, taking care to make her feel beautiful – returning her to the world. How else can you return her to the world? 1. Change your language – once the heat of sex is over, transition your language from hot, sexy, scorching, “you dirty little girl!” “you naughty slut” “yes, I’m a dirty girl!” or whatever verbal sex play you had to warm, adorable, sweet. “You are such a beautiful woman.” “I love how graceful you are. You remind me of a panther or a jaguar slipping through he jungle.” 2. Treat her like an honored queen. As she’s getting ready, make her a treat in the kitchen and have it ready for her. Honor her, while making no reference to the sex. Honor her for the woman she is sitting with you. Listen closely to her words. Praise her for anything and everything except the raw sex – unless she asks. If she asks how was it? You can connect the sex to your felt connection to her. “I felt so close to you.” “I feel like I know you in a new way.” “You are so many levels, I feel like I’ll never get tired of learning more and more about you.” In this way, she will relax into her wholeness. She will not feel as if you are just using her for sex. Which of course makes her eager to continue having you discover her in future encounters. Maybe even in another 15 minutes because you are turning her on so much with your respectful admiration. 3. Don’t criticize her sexual “performance.” No grievances or complaints at this time. Save any analysis or post-mortem for later. Later… later!... You can get into “you know what would be really hot, if you’re open to it?” And then suggest what you want. For now, you just tell her how great that was, how beautiful she is. End stop. 4. Always praise what you want more of – but again later. This is how you “train” your lover to fulill your desires. Ask her what she would like more of. Ask her what felt best – not just physically. Ask her when she felt most connected to you. And do more of that next time. Afterplay (not immediately) is an opportunity for a very useful feedback loop. 9: Open Up and Be Vulnerable

Do use this intimate time to admit personal – even vulnerable - sexual feelings, thoughts, and desires that you've not previously shared. Try not to talk about other women and how they failed you. Even if you think that will make her feel better, you don't want to bring other women into the bed at this time. Well, at least not those women. 10. Stay in the Moment

Resist defaulting to talking about workaday or any “unromantic” problems with your job, your inances, your future or your children. Or your mother. Especially your mother. And don’t jump up to wash off. If you like to get clean quickly – get two hot washcloths and make cleaning each other a ritual, part of your erotic encounter.

11. Don’t be Rigid or Have False or Set Unrealistic Expectations.

Look, sometimes one of you WILL want to just roll over and disappear into sleep. If that’s you from time to time, transition to that by saying something like, “that was delicious, now I’m going to dream about you…” It’s okay to vary things up and be forgiving from time to time.

12: The Big Uh-Oh

If she didn’t orgasm – and you may feel a bit bad about that – don’t turn away or disappear. Often women report that they feel that your stroking and attention after your orgasm is a generous and thoughtful “consolation prize.” What’s more, if you keep her aroused, she may return the favor and “round 2” may come sooner than you think. CONCLUSION

Being her best lover, cultivating her to be your best lover, as you now see is not merely a technical question of knowing what to press, twist, nibble, push, stretch, ill, lick or anything else.

It's a magniicent opportunity to cultivate yourself and her to be a living, breathing erotic being, exquisitely awake and aware to all the pleasures and emotional nuances that around you, 24-7.

The deep and powerful teacher of Sacred Sexuality, Michaal Mirdad, puts it this way, in his book, An Introduction to Tantra and Sacred Sexuality…

It’s ultimately about living bliss, not just feeling it. In practicing sacred sexuality, we learn to live within the material world while integrating an experience and vibration beyond this world—one that feels ecstatic and almost uncontainable. This vibration translates into consistently feeling unconditional love for all people and things, which is why it is called “the path of living bliss.” FURTHER READING

Allman, Alex, Revolutionary Sex

Chia, Mantak The Multi-Orgasmic Man

Cialdini, Robert Inluence

Deida, David Intimate Communion Finding God Through Sex The Way of the Superior Man Blue Truth

Ford, Debbie The Dark Side of the Light Chasers

Kerner, Ian She Comes First The Cliterate Male

Meston, Cindy M., Ph.D. and David M. Buss, Ph.D. Why Women Have Sex: Understanding Sexual Motivations from Adventure to Revenge (and Everything in Between),

Mirdad, Michael An Introduction to Tantra and Sacred Sexuality

Osho Pretty much anything!

Perel, Esther Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic. Ryan, Christopher and Jetha, Cacilda Sex At Dawn