MY BAD C H O R U S 1 (Brian Woodbury & Amy Engelhardt) My bad, my bad, my bad, etc.

V E R S E 1 V E R S E 3 I’m sorry I said sorry I’m sorry I said sorry right when you were in my way when we both were trying to speak I know I should have thought of I’m sorry if you thought that it was something more polite to say meant as a critique I wanted to alert you We both saw someone up there that you ought to move you arm as the roof began to burn I didn’t want to injure it I told the first responder, to pull the fire alarm but I didn’t wait my turn I know it’s no excuse I’m sure there were important but that’s the only one I had details you had meant to add My bad C H O R U S 2 V E R S E 2 My bad, my bad, my bad, etc. I’m sorry I said sorry when you trampled on my toe B R I D G E The fire escape was crowded. Why must I take the blame? There was nowhere else to go It’s not that fun to do Your cleats had pierced my But like my mother says Birkenstocks. I didn’t want to shout And my father says I wasn’t even thinking And my wife says – when “I’m sorry” just came out Sorry! my ex-wife says I think I thought that you might And my girlfriend says somehow think that I was mad And her boyfriend says And my therapist says C H O R U S 5 My chiropractor says My bad, my bad, my bad, etc. “Why is everything your fault?” So, I know it must be true. lead & bgd vocs, guitars, bass: Brian Woodbury A C C O R D I O N S O L O bgd vocals: Amy Engelhardt accordion: Narib Yubrodow V E R S E 4 drums: Mark Pardy I’m sorry I said sorry at my witness interview In hindsight maybe that was not PICTURE ME the wisest thing to do ( Brian Woodbury & Peter Lurye) I gave my testimony. The detective thought I lied. I N T R O He asked why I was sorry We’ve only met online if I had no crime to hide But we are soulmates all the same And now I’m in for arson Though I’m guessing though my alibi was ironclad DesperateSingleGirl is not your actual name C H O R U S 3 Your profile touched me My bad, my bad, my bad, etc. where it counts So here’s my virtual calling card C H O R U S 4 And as you hold it in your hand My bad, my bad, my bad, etc. Think about me long and hard (Who’s sorry now?)

V E R S E 1 V E R S E 4 When you go to bed at night Boorish fellows may affix Before you snuff Their photos just to get some kicks your smart phone light But I’m not like those other dicks Read this note and then swipe right So picture me to picture me V E R S E 5 V E R S E 2 I could have set a slower pace It may have given you a start But why not cut right to the chase This too tumescent work of art And let me get all in your face? But it reveals what’s in my heart Just picture me So picture me B R I D G E 2 B R I D G E 1 As for size, no prize I’d win, dear Though it’s dimly lit and grainy I’m ungainly, blunt and red This vision from afar But it’s not shame or chagrin, dear That’s making the blood Almost varicose-ly veiny rush to my head It’s my gift to you, whoever you are V E R S E 6 V E R S E 3 And if you succumb to my allures It may seem forward, that is true It’s only fair, as love matures, I can send one taken sideways too I’ve shown you mine, Either shows how I want you now show me yours To picture me Yes, picture me

I N S T R U M E N T A L

B R I D G E 3 V E R S E 2 If, in spite of my entreaty, What made the universe, You choose to pass me by I wouldn’t know I will find another sweetie I wasn’t there a thousand years ago One whose standards aren’t so high Ain’t that much that I know much about V E R S E 7 It all goes in one ear There’s plenty more and right back out where you came from To reach out to, C H O R U S 1 till my thumbs go numb I do the best that I can do Ready or not, girls, here I come And maybe I don’t have a clue Ooh, that’s it! But would it be a better world Picture me if I knew? A truly better world if I knew? vocal: Brian Woodbury V E R S E 3 piano & arranging: Peter Lurye Sure, I learned about the birds and bees IF I KNEW I know what makes my (Brian Woodbury) Hyundai go is keys I get that dirt is down V E R S E 1 and stars are up Don’t know much about biology Sixty-four ounces in my super cup I’ve forgotten all my history Couldn’t pass a whiskey bar exam V E R S E 4 That’s the kind of person that I am I know statistics for my favorite teams And stuff I read V E R S E 6 off of some Facebook memes Science – that’s just theories Like lawyers cheat and politicians lie you can’t prove The news is fake, Climates that warm but I can’t tell you why and continents that move Your facts will not convince me, C H O R U S 2 please don’t try I do the best that I can do My ignorance, that is my alibi And maybe I don’t have a clue But would it be a better world C H O R U S 3 if I knew? ’Cause when I see A truly better world if I knew? what you go through

B R I D G E For knowing all you know is true You can tell me I’m dumb It woulnd’t be a better world But smart is over-rated if I knew And I don’t care what you say To have to see from your Besides it isn’t my fault point of view. That I’m not educated. And realize all the work left to do. Hey, I was just born this way I guess I’d rather I never knew.

V E R S E 5 vocals & bass Brian Woodbury; Don't know much about guitars & arranging Marc Muller the dinosaurs drums & percussion: Mark Pardy But I’m sure they're not my ancestors I don't hold with so-called expertise Spell my plurals with apostrophes AVA'S COUCH C H O R U S 1 (Brian Woodbury & Bill Berry) Ava’s couch I’m so pumped up! This is rad! V E R S E 1 Though she doesn’t know how My cousin kicked me out much I wan’ her ’cause I wasn’t payin’ rent I’m crushin’ on her bad And my student loan defaulted I’m sittin’ pretty on Ava’s couch and my vouchers all got spent And I’m just bidin’ my sweet time To cook up Started crashin’ with my buddies, How we’ll hook up Wound up sleepin’ on the floor Hey, Matt, how ’bout that? I got bored of smokin’ all their I’m no slouch weed and playing PS4 On Ava’s couch

V E R S E 2 V E R S E 3 Then a couple weeks with Matthew I had my eye on Ava But that dude’s a total slob Back since San Diego State He kept runnin’ out of groceries She’d come cryin’ on my shoulder He kept sayin’, “Get a job” ’bout the guys she used to date

My life was goin’ nowhere She says now I can crash here Man, I’d thought my luck Till my internship comes in was through So either way I win But then my dreams came true My slickest move has been Right when I surfed onto

C H O R U S 2 While she’s goin’ out to Ava’s couch grab a bite with Now if only I could score And spend the night with Matt But I wonder if she wants to do me (Seriously, Matt?) Or wants a roomie more How’d I end up on Ava’s couch? Still I’m here, I’m on Ava’s couch Bet she’s already set her mind I hope she pickin’ up To boot me the signs I’m showin’ Ah, just shoot me. But she’s goin’ She calls me her B.F.F. Ouch! “Could you move On Ava’s couch, etc. your hacky sack pouch?” On Ava’s couch lead & bgd vocals, acoustic, organ, bass: Brian Woodbury B R I D G E bgd vocals: Bill Berry & Marc Doten I want her to be my girlfriend elec. guitars, co-arranging: Takin’ her to Olive Garden, Marc Muller Handin’ her a rose drums & percussion: Mark Pardy But she wants me to be her girlfriend ETERNAL DAMNATION Watchin’ Gilmore Girls feat. Joe Moe and eatin’ Honey Nut Cheerios (Brian Woodbury)

G U I T A R S O L O V E R S E 1 I have wandered C H O R U S 3 through the desert of my story Why did I surf onto Ava’s couch? To quench a thirst She’s askin’ me to feed her cat for what this life could mean In the empty glare V E R S E 2 of falsehood all around me I have led a life I was blind to the light of vanity and pleasure of a realm that’s unseen I’ve coveted more than you'd care to hear P R E C H O R U S 1 And I took God's name in vein But from the sins of this long trial and worked on Sunday The pain I’ve put my Did not pray, did not praise, poor soul through Had no faith, had no fear I’ve learned there's something greater P R E C H O R U S 2 That my life is leading to Nor did I ask Him for forgiveness Nor did I choose to seek His face C H O R U S 1 So God has rightly deemed Eternal damnation That He must send me to this place Burning churning hellfire world without end C H O R U S 2 Always one more Of eternal damnation everlasting day left to spend Burning churning In eternal damnation hellfire world without end Damnation Always one more everlasting day left to spend P O S T C H O R U S 1 In eternal damnation Ow-ow, ow-ow, etc. Damnation

P O S T C H O R U S 2 Ow-ow, ow-ow, etc. B R I D G E lead vocal: Joe Moe; Fly, with the winds, Gospel vocal: Amy Keys; You’re beholding Jesus, in Rapture Soprano: Kathi Funston Alas, I, with these sins, alto: Heather Marsden weighed my soul down tenor: Gary Stockdale for Satan to capture bass-baritone: Bob Joyce piano, organ, sampled harp, bass: C H O R U S 3 Brian Woodbury In eternal damnation guitars: Sam Woodbury Boiling toiling torment french horns: Chris Tedesco of a life with no rest violins: Sara Parkins Bound in ceaseless suffering drums & percussion: Mark Pardy in this sulfurous nest

Of eternal damnation THE BRAIN Damnation (Brian Woodbury)

C H O R U S 4 V E R S E 1 Eternal damnation What makes the loathsome Burning churning psychopath hike a path of evil? hellfire world without end Exploring every cruelty and excess? Always one more To spike the punch with ipecac everlasting day left to spend Or microwave a weevil (Left to spend) In eternal damnation The cause has long been Damnation anybody's guess Damnation (Well, well, well, we’re goin’ to Hell Just how can he achieve Said we’re goin’ to Hell) the satisfaction that he wants From biting chicken’s heads off What makes the Muslim face the With sadistic nonchalance? east and bow and all that stuff? What fills him with the savagery What makes the born-again To thrill from causing pain? convinced that once We now know was not enough? that the answer is his brain What gives the faithful one the faith her faith will never wane? C H O R U S 1 A familiar aberration of the brain A-ha! His brain makes him do it C H O R U S 2 His brain makes him do it That’s all! Her brain makes her do it It makes him vivisect his victims, Her brain makes her do it then extract their suet The God Spot in her cortex So do not cast aspersions, Gets a neural impulse to it He should not endure the stain Religious feelings science The fault lies not with him heretofore could not explain but with his brain But now we’ve found the G-spot

V E R S E 2 in her brain

What gives the firm believer B R I D G E Such a fever for her God? Do I really feel and think and mean So certain of a presence what I hope I mean? she has felt? Nope, it’s only serotonin, Transcendence and epiphanies noradrenalin and dopamine that sound a little odd Every notion or mood, Unless you’ve walked a mile passing thought, attitude where she’s knelt That I have, or forget, or repress, or memorize Can be best understood just by pituitaries to pituit scanning my brain And everything that feels is romantic with a series of MRIs really is quite plain

V E R S E 3 The part they call the heart What makes the newly amorous is in the brain

So clamorous and wild? C H O R U S 4 To feel they fit each other Ho-ho! Your brain makes you do it like a glove? Your brain makes you do it They grope, mope, or elope It makes you doubt, associate, They free their inner feral child guess, wonder and intuit What gives them this delusion And all complex experience they’re in love? Is nothing so arcane

They adulate and fawn and dote Just signals and receptors With sighs, coos and chirps in your brain

Appreciate each other’s farts, E X T E N S I O N Complete each other’s burps And if you think this explanation What makes them lose all reason, sounds a bit inane Just to suffer through the strain? Don't fret your pretty head, that’s A condition of the just your brain post-pubescent brain Try not to overthink it, it’s your brain

C H O R U S 3 Just get it through your thick skull You see? It’s your brain

The brain makes them do it vocal: Brian Woodbury The brain makes them do it piano & arranging: Peter Lurye It gets gonads to go, MEDICAL EMERGENCY As yet no evidence is found (Brian Woodbury) For she's furtive and clandestine She won't have Hello her handsome guest in If you’re having She goes elsewhere to cavort a medical emergency Stop listening to the song Somewhere scenic, some sultry and dial 911 Somewhere perfect for adultery Stop listening to this song! Off to an inn of last resort Stop listening to this song! V E R S E 2 Stop listening to the song! Yes, your darling, And dial 911! who was once green, If you’re having Is now smoothly rubbing sunscreen a medical emergency Onto some stranger's back vocals, sampled strings, piano: In the smell of oxybenzone Brian Woodbury He is not long for the friendzone

Very soon they'll hit the sack THE SEA VIEW INN (Brian Woodbury & Paul F. Perry) She met this one at the foot spa

V E R S E 1 And she had a lot of chutzpah Though you wife has been allaying To invite him for a spin Your suspicions, folks are saying That she's busy running 'round If you knew it, it would grieve you That they’re off now to deceive in With any boy toy who is handy That's her modus operandi C H O R U S 1 Then you learn he's one of The Sea View Inn ten gents Great for quick assignations You want justice, you want Those impromptu vacations vengeance A beach front for sin You want to make the harlot pay At the Sea View Inn Where their passions are burning V E R S E 4 And the ice machine’s churning When she married you, Her escapades end and begin she struck gold At the Sea View Inn Now she’s making you a cuckold At the Sea View Inn Still you’ve got to cool your wrath

V E R S E 3 And you’ll kiss your lucky On a business trip to Natchez horseshoe, In your pool bag you find matches Pray to God she won't divorce you From an unfamiliar place At least once you do the math

Well, she tried to spare you For if she does, this sting she's gonna clean up But so frequent was her trysting ’Cause she never signed One rendezvous has left a trace that pre-nup There’s no way that you can win He’s not her be-all nor her end-all But whether she decides He is just a hunky Ken doll to leave you A diversion for a day She is off now to deceive you in

C H O R U S 2 vocals, guitar & autoharp: The Sea View Inn Brian Woodbury With its blue ocean vistas Nothing stings more than this does COMPLICATED RHYTHM To find that she’s been (Brian Woodbury & Jim Kimo West) At the Sea View Inn While you’re stuck at home livid V E R S E 1 With your fantasies vivid My life was rock steady You’ve learned about love’s evil twin Not-break-a-sweat-y From the Sea View Inn When you stumbled right From the Sea View Inn into my heart Then in one fell swoop lead voc, perc: Brian Woodbury You threw me for a loop nylon, bgd vocal: Paul F. Perry With a start and a stop and a start bgd vocal: Marc Doten upright bass: Edwin Livingston From the day we vibraphone: Nick Mancini mishappened to meet My tune took a tumble PASADEENY and the bar skipped a beat (Brian Woodbury)

O fare thee well to ol’ Pasadeeny P R E C H O R U S 1 So long, Cal Tech It was off-again, on-again and J.P.L. too Here and then gone again I’ll not parade In-again, out-again in your Tournament o’ Roses Certain and doubt again Remember me to ol’ Pasadoo Sweeping me right off my feet

C H O R U S 1 You say “potato” and I say “plum” With that complicated rhythm You throw me to the sharks For me and you and then you call me “old chum” Complicated rhythm It’s all we do P R E C H O R U S 2 Complicated rhythm It was that-away, this-away Beats may drop Spat away, kiss away Complicated rhythm Nip away, tuck away We never stop Fight away, fuck away When I push, you push Still I cannot help but hum When I pull, you pull Till everybody’s feeling kinda sore C H O R U S 2 Who could ask for anything more That old complicated rhythm Complicated? Our fickle fate Complicated rhythm P O S T C H O R U S 1 We vacillate Complicated rhythm, etc. Complicated rhythm Forth and back V E R S E 2 Complicated rhythm From the start it was manic Retreat attack With you, my Titanic It’s not you, it’s me And I, your Lusitania amour It’s not me, it’s you So wrong yet so right It’s sure a lotta trouble Two ships crashing in the night keeping score With no one to tow us to shore Who could ask for anything more (No tow into shore) Complicated? B R I D G E P O S T C H O R U S 2 Now, anyone can do it Complicated rhythm, etc. But it’s tricky as pi Many misconstrue it lead vocal: Brian Woodbury And I can see why soprano: Kathi Funston Once you fall into it alto: Heather Marsden Well, you never can quit tenor: Gary Stockdale The rhythm isn’t gonna get you bass-baritone: Bob Joyce You gotta get it guitar: Jim Kimo West upright bass: Edwin Livingston B A S S V O I C E S O L O drums: Andy Sanesi

C H O R U S 3 OLD TIME PROG That old complicated rhythm feat. Johnny Unicorn We got the most (Brian Woodbury & Johnny Unicorn) Complicated rhythm We rollercoast I N T R O Complicated rhythm ...and on the eighth day, Yes and no God created progressive rock Complicated rhythm and He called it “prog.”

It’s stop and go C H O R U S 2 Come here! Get away Just gimme some of that Beat it! Can you stay? old time prog Slow down now, will ya? With Hammond organs Whatcha waitin’ for? and lots of fog Who could ask for anything more In seven-four with an epilogue Complicated? Just get me near some And make it fearsome V E R S E 2 I wanna hear some of that I took my girl to see a old time prog prog rock show She couldn’t dance to it V E R S E 1 and made us go I guess that modern jazz She said, “Don’t ever play is kinda cool, that noise again.” I don't mind the Second So I broke up with her Viennese school there and then Gregorian chants, well, they’re a bit cliche I read a write-up Indonesian gamelan’s okay on the show I’d seen “Pretentious bunk,” I can tolerate a blues guitar said Billboard magazine In a whole-tone scale and 13-bar But now I’ve met a girl Bollywood? I guess I like it fine who likes prog too But there’s only one music of that She says, “Baby, just pretend convulses my spine you never read that review” C H O R U S 2 C H O R U S 3 Just gimme some of that Let’s get us some of that old time prog old time prog With epic tales of a magic frog Where synthesizers are analog A keyboard soloing demagogue The sound that’s making That is my Eden our ears unclog That’s what I’m needin’ That is our passion My ears are bleedin’ Always in fashion for that old time prog So don’t go trashin’ L O S T that old time prog Where will we go? If we stay F U G U E There’s no end So, let’s turn the lights down low There’s no over Go crank up the stereo Over all Slow and then quickening Fall in with me Flickering in the candle’s glow Listen Lost in a musical maze as the hours flow T H E P I L G R A M A G E Ascending through a Low, soft now the speakers play lightning world of change Blow, incense a sage bouquet As grains of sand will stop Bold and then simpering and rearrange Rollicking late night roundelay And birds sing greeting welcome Lost in the musical maze without sound till the break o’ day To lonely waters churning underground Oh, putting our headphones on And chasms of the mother Whoah, check out the mellotron mountains grieve Growing and withering We’re waiting all Swooning inside a marathon in waiting to believe Lost in the musical maze The gorges move till early dawn along a canyon road

To rendezvous with the Desert Toad I N S T R U M E N T A L 1

I N S T R U M E N T A L 2 F R O G C H O R U S bassoon: Allen Savedoff Ollotis alvaria drums & percussion: Mark Pardy Keeper of bufotenin FX: Dan Cubert Spoke thus, “Only seek Gaia Find Adri ajana” PERFECTLY AWFUL feat. Deb Hiett C H O R U S 4 (Brian Woodbury) Go get you some of that old time prog HE: She is pretty To help escape Pretty ugly the mainstream gulag But she’s stinkin’ It’s still my favorite Stinkin’ rich dead horse to flog Oh, she’s lousy Nothing’s as vital Lousy with money As a math recital She’s got the scratch Go find your idyll I got the itch in that old time prog Old time prog. V E R S E 1 B SHE: He is kind lead & bgd vocals, keyboards, FX: Kind of stupid Brian Woodbury But he’s driven lead & bgd vocals, bass, keyboards: Driven me nuts Johnny Unicorn Still he’s the best bgd vocals: Marc Doten The best I could hope for guitars: Sam Woodbury And all I hate about him flutes, recorders, soprano saxes: Is his guts Mark Hollingsworth

R E F R A I N 1 R E F R A I N 2 Yet I so terribly love him HE: And I so terribly love her There’s no germ The clothes strewn about or vermin above him reeking of her He’s so down-to-earth Her putrid bouquet he’s like dirt or debris and her foul potpourri He’s perfectly awful, She’s perfectly awful, but awfully perfect for me but awfully perfect for me

V E R S E 2 A B R I D G E HE: She is striking She’s the sick Don’t say I didn’t warn you In the sickeningly sweet Her voice distinctive She’s the trick Even when she doesn’t yell But she’s never the treat A fair complexion SHE: Biggest prick Well… fair-to-middling That you ever could meet She has a special air about her But not that kind of meat You can smell His condom size is petite

V E R S E 2 B V E R S E 3 A SHE: He’s determined Such fine manners Determinedly lazy So fine, you can’t notice Makes an impression Holds open the door Wherever he sits To squeeze himself through Isn’t he dashing? He says, “excuse me” Dashing off for refreshments When he finishes burping So larger-than-life He flushes easily That no pair of pants ever fits When I remind him to V E R S E 3 B vocals: Brian Woodbury HE: People like her & Deb Hiett; People like her repulse me guitars, uke, bass, co-arranging: But I put myself second Marc Muller Her money comes first BOTH: And that’s my champion AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION My champion loser (Brian Woodbury)

Why should I settle V E R S E 1 For anyone but the worst? BRIAN: Oh, God help us! He’s asking R E F R A I N 3 “How ya all feeling tonight?” SHE: And I so terribly love him The crowd’s responding Although off a bridge By shouting “Woo!” I could shove him But I’m sensing HE: And I so terribly love her that something’s not right Though her face ought to come ’Cause now he’s claiming with a cover That he can’t hear us. SHE: A sight for sore eyes But how could that even be true? HE: But an eye-sore to see He’s quite insistent SHE: He’s dim but devoted We all participate HE: She’s lethal but loaded Must I oblige and make SHE: So jarring HE: So jolting the noise he wants me to? BOTH: So simply revolting Woo! Perfectly awful But awfully perfect for me C H O R U S 1 Audience participation Audience participation I’m minding my own business here but somehow he could see but he won’t let me be Why did he have to pick me, me, Why must the show include me, me, me, me? me, me, me, me? Why did he have to pick me? Why must the show include me? B R I D G E V E R S E 2 And now he pulls me up on stage Oh, no, he’s moving and asks my name He’s off the stage now And I answer nicely, He’s making his way trying to act cool down the aisle. But soon I realize what he wants is Oh, please, dear Jesus, them to laugh at my responses Go somewhere else! And my only purpose is to If he looks over here, I won’t smile play the fool But now he’s looming And though he plainly Right above me doesn't need my help at all I can feel his hot breath, Still he puts me to some he’s so near task that he's prepared As he is shouting Then he says I’m not complying into the microphone And the audience is dying To announce that he has (Ha ha ha!) found his volunteer, oh… With the relief that they have C H O R U S 2 narrowly been spared, oh… Audience participation C H O R U S 3 Audience participation Audience participation I made myself invisible, Audience participation I bought myself a ticket, BRIAN: Perhaps it’s a deep sense of Yes, but I did not agree inferiority. You think you’re not To be humiliated worthy? by some second-rate emcee PAUL: Ah, I didn’t say that… Why did he have to pick me? BRIAN: Maybe it’s a feeling of smug superiority. You think you’re better B A N T E R Oh, hi, there. than everyone else, don’t you, Paul? PAUL: No, no… PAUL: Hey. BRIAN: Now, Paul, if you can’t be BRIAN: Yeah, you. PAUL: Hi. any more forthcoming, then you’ve BRIAN: What’s your name? wasted everyone’s time. And I’ll have to call on someone else. You PAUL: Paul. wouldn’t want me to have to do BRIAN: And where’re you from, Paul? that, now, would you? PAUL: Um, Los Angeles? PAUL: Sure! BRIAN: Actually, I am going to call BRIAN: Oh, that’s an interesting on someone else. I’m going to call place to be from, I suppose. Listen, when you get singled out in a on all of you to help me sing this song. I’ll sing the first line and you crowd, put on the spot, does that repeat it. Ready? make you feel uncomfortable at all?

PAUL: Mm, hmm… I don’t know. C H O R U S 4 BRIAN: Does your denial of feeling Audience participation. You try! uncomfortable perhaps stem from AUDIENCE: Audience participation some unresolved issues from childhood? BRIAN: Hey! Well, that was not PAUL: Hmm, may- maybe? bad… considering... Now I’ll teach you the second line. Why do they always pick - I’ll sing it and you’ll repeat after me. BRIAN: Take it, Paul! Ready? PAUL: Me BRIAN: Huh, odd choice. I was Audience participation actually gonna say AUDIENCE: Audience participation Me_. But that’ll do. Paul, ladies and BRIAN: Good! Let’s put it all gentlemen. together and go on. Except for you won’t go on because you don’t lead vocal & FX: Brian Woodbury know the rest of the lyrics. But here audience vocal & nylon guitar: goes. 1-2-3-4 Paul F. Perry accordion: Narib Yubrodow BRIAN & AUDIENCE: Audience audience vocals: Elma Mayer, participation Deb Hiett & Maple Valley House Audience participation Concert audience BRIAN: And now we’ve suffered long enough, DON KNOTTS It’s time that we’re set free (Brian Woodbury) And if you all concur, Then you can join in with my plea Don Knotts died today Why do they always pick me, me, Don Knotts died today me, me, me? Don Knotts died today Why do they always pick me? Again Everybody! On Facebook

BRIAN & AUDIENCE: Why do they vocal & organ: Brian Woodbury always pick me, me, me, me, me?

WD-40 And others get – impatient (Brian Woodbury) When all they really needs a squirt Of industrial lubrication I N T R O When the gears get seized up V E R S E 3 And nothin’ wants to move Too much takin’, and no givin’ There’s a magic potion Too much was, and too much isn’t That makes life go down Indeedy she did. real smooth Uh-oh, no, he didn’t It’s time for dubya D forty V E R S E 1 Too much whinin’, I N S T R U M E N T A L too much bitchin’ He won’t talk, and she won’t listen They need some dubya D forty

Not enough grindin’ B R I D G E 2 But way too much friction And that’s what helps you They need some dubya D forty get unstuck

V E R S E 2 You just apply – it weekly Not much future, too much history It’s handy in the bedroom too She’s too touchy, When the box spring’s and he’s too bristly soundin’ creaky

Someone should put ’em V E R S E 4 out of their misery She was a shrew. He was a tyrant They need some dubya D forty Now she’s supple, now he’s pliant

B R I D G E 1 And we can all get us Now, some folks plain some peace and some quiet refuse to budge All thanks to that dubya D forty They got some dubya D forty vocal, guitar, amateur violin, banjo, We love that dubya D forty sampled banjo: Brian Woodbury vocals, drum programming, FX: Brian Woodbury DON’T CALL BACK (Brian Woodbury) Guitars, bass, co-arranging: Marc Muller V E R S E 1 Some band wants YOU SHOULD WRITE A to play my wine bar SONG ABOUT THAT They’ve been calling me for months (Brian Woodbury) They’re politely sending emails Left their CD. More than once. Wow! After checkin’ the first second of it, Where do you get all your ideas? Hoo-boy, does it suck! Do you just make ’em up No way’m I bookin’ that. in your head? Not at my classy place. Good luck. Huh-huh, I guess so. Duh! But how am I tellin’ ’em so? But… how do you come up Is there some way with stuff like that? of lettin’ ’em know? Hmm… oh! You must be really creative. Really? Pfff! C H O R U S 1 I can never think of any ideas. Don’t call back, yeah, Nothing ever comes to mind. don’t call back. Ha-ha-ha! That’s funny? They can either think You know what? I think they stink You should write a song about that. Or their demo’s still in the stack Don’t call back , yeah, don’t call back. C H O R U S 2 I’ll save those fifteen Don’t call back, just don’t call back. awkward seconds She can leave a hundred messages, they would put me through I ain’t gonna be keeping track. And let ’em down real easy Don’t call back, just don’t call back. It’s the least that I can do Ignore her texts and telegrams ’Cause when in doubt, And cards and flowers too why spell it out? I’ll piss her off so much Instead just don’t call back, yeah, Until she's really glad we're through don’t call back, I know she’ll hear me loud and clear yeah, don't call back. Oo ooh! Long as I don’t call back, yeah, Don’t call back, etc. Don’t call back, yeah, don't call

V E R S E 2 back. Oo ooh! etc. I’ve been going with this woman for, like, practically a year B R I D G E And I’ve taken her to wine tastings Awkward Whispered in her ear It’s so awkward But when she says I love you Trying to find the things to say Well, I always tell her, “yep” It’s much more chill to sneak away And it makes me wince Too much information when she drops hints Why get all explicit here? about taking it to the next step It’s not that I don’t want to see But how can I push her away? somebody gettin’ hurt When I know what It’s just the truth can be a little she wants me to say? difficult to blurt Hmm… hey! V E R S E 3 Why get involved? Whoops! I've fallen down a well It’s easily solved if you Yes, it seems that's what I've done Who puts a well outside a winery? C H O R U S 3 B And why’s it facing in the sun? Don’t call back, Well, the water's getting colder yeah, don’t call back and it's hard to stay afloat But if in spite of your indifference I’m all alone, I survive this waterloo I’ve dropped my phone When I pull myself to freedom and this screaming That’s a day you’re gonna rue is hurting my throat. I’ll settle score when I ignore I see you peer over the wall each and every one of you. Pretending you can’t hear me call You’ll all be toast when I go ghost Hey-hey, down here, y’all! and simply don’t call back, yeah don’t call back, yeah, C H O R U S 3 A don’t call back. Oo ooh! etc. Don’t call back Don’t call back, yeah Seriously? You don’t call back? don’t call back The non-chalance I don’t call back. of your non-response is an interesting tack lead & bgd vocals, piano, banjo, Don’t call back bass: Brian Woodbury All right, just don’t call back guitars: Sam Woodbury You’re thinking to yourself drums & percussion: Andy Sanesi Why should this burden fall to you? additional percussion, FX: To put you on the spot Dan Cubert That’s such a cheeky thing to do A MAN WITH NO FOIBLE C H O R U S 1 (Brian Woodbury) For I am a man with no foible I am a completely enjoyable I N T R O Guy with no need for allowance, Most people have one or two excuse or alibi And some people have quite a few Oh, I am a man with no foible Such idiosyncrasies Not a foible have I But I do not have one of these V E R S E 2 V E R S E 1 One tells me that I eat like a pig, This one will repeat word “Achoo!” I wolf my food so fast, anytime she feels I’ll probably choke a sneeze coming on One says I re-phrase the funny That one always leaves the door comments that she makes ajar and talks to you when he is like I came up with the joke using the john The other says The other one, I’m arrogant and snooty on catching her reflection, As when I demonstrate the music will purse her lips that he likes is only noise and arch her brow and flare her nostrils like a horse P R E C H O R U S 2 But despite these glaring flaws P R E C H O R U S 1 I forgive them their faux pas But that doesn’t make them jerks I overlook their failings, They’ve just got their little quirks For not everyone can have my poise And everybody has them. Well, that is, C H O R U S 2 except for me, of course. As I am a man with no foible I’m made of a mettle unalloyable ’cause mine are entertaining Try and you’ll find no shortcomings I like to piss on other people’s legs, or frailties to descry but I would never claim it’s raining Oh, I am a man with no foible. P R E C H O R U S 3 Not a foible have I Despite what anybody thinks

I have no tics or faults or kinks B R I D G E And as for those who claim I do Well, yes, I tie my shoes I say they ought to go see shrinks when I get nervous But just because I want to C H O R U S 3 Yes, I clutch my testes Yes, I am a man with no foible on the subway I guess unless you’re annoyable For something to hold onto By something I do that bugs you Sure, I hide my boogers in the sofa for no good reason why But everybody does that Oh, I am a man with no foible I own up to foul deeds I do Not a foible have I Oh, god, that smell! Who was that? Have I

Sure, I use a steak knife vocal, piano, bass, drum when I pick my teeth. programming, FX: Brian Woodbury But only after eating trumpets: Chris Tedesco I only spoil movies that I’ve seen violins: Sara Parkins ’cause otherwise cellos: Maggie Parkins it would be cheating. percussion: Dan Cubert I give my friends the blow-by-blow of all my dreams THE WORST SONG ON THE Women. ALBUM (Brian Woodbury) I hope you don’t mind my sayin’ so. I just call ’em like I see ’em. The worst song on the album There’s always got to be one You see, you gotta understand Prove me wrong something: Every woman is always, vocals, drum programming: “Can we talk?” Brian Woodbury Well, she can talk all she wants…. guitars, bass: Sam Woodbury Obviously. Talk is cheap. But like they say, WOMEN! (KNOW WHAT “Actions is louder than words” I’M SAYIN’??)(Brian Woodbury) You said that right! Got nothin’ to say, why say it? Women! Shut up already. Know what I’m sayin’? You’re talkin’ a lot Forget about it. but you ain’t sayin’ anything. Know what I mean? Know what I mean? It’s like, I don’t know, ya know, I don’t know. Women! Gimme a break. What can ya do? I’m tellin’ ya… Pardon me. Go figure. I know it’s none of my It’s like, I don’t know, ya know, personal business, I don’t know. but I think you got a problem. Tell me about it! You want to know what your problem is? And what’s with women? He’s like whatever. They’re always She’s outta here. complaining about us? Guess who pays? Hello! Like we’re all the same. What’s up with that? “Men this, men that!” Women! Hey, don’t look at me, honey, Yeah, right? I didn’t make the rules Believe me. I mean, a man’s gotta do What can I say? what a man’s…. It’s like, I don’t know, ya know, Ya know, and like that. I don’t know. I mean, what does she expect? Whatever. You’re only human. Now, I know what you’re thinkin’? Now don’t get me wrong. Who is this guy? I love women What does he know from women? I mean, I’m not like… I know, believe me, I know Hey… Okay? But you don’t have to I mean, no way. Watch it! take my advice. But you can take it too far. Don’t listen to me. Like that story – that guy, that big shot, Hey, but before ya go, and that girl – I was wonderin’: you know the famous pair. You know anyplace around here At first they’re all like that’s a good to meet girls? [kissing sound]. For some reason, Puhlease… Look at ’em now. I keep shtrikin’ out. She’s givin’ him grief. Can you believe it? Women! vocals, guitars, bass, drum You know what I’m sayin’! programming: Brian Woodbury For get about it Know what I mean? YOU’RE LIKE HITLER It’s like, I don’t know, ya know, (Brian Woodbury) I don’t know. Say that again! I N T R O BRIAN: When I’m in an argument Gimme a break! That doesn’t go my way vocal, piano, sampled vibes, I trot out this trusty tactic synth bass: Brian Woodbury That always wins the day accordion: Nick Ariondo C H O R U S 1 saxophones: Sal Lovano If you say something violin: Sara Parkins I disagree with viola: Jimbo Ross You're like Hitler, etc. cello: Maggie Parkins drums & percussion: Joe Berardi V E R S E 1 A You liberals want to force us

to get medically insured YOU ROCK (Brian Woodbury) That’s like socialism You rock and the Nazis used that word You piece of dirt Free contraception You clump of earth That's eugenics Unprecious stone Just like Hitler

That children kick V E R S E 1 B And cavemen knock You’re pushing for big government You rock To regulate the banks What’s next? Invading Poland That’s a slippery slope with two thousand Panzer tanks? to having single party rule First Glass-Steagall A moment of silence Then the Anschluss leads to fascism Just like Hitler Just like Hitler

C H O R U S 2 V E R S E 2 B You say something You want to ban abortions, I disagree with and a woman’s right to choose You're like Hitler Next thing you know, Everybody! why, you’ll be gassing all the Jews AUDIENCE: You’re like Hitler Pro-life politics BRIAN: Very good! Same as the Holocaust You say something You’re like Hitler

I disagree with B R I D G E You're like Hitler First they came for the AUDIENCE: You’re like Hitler off-shore tax havens BRIAN: You say something But I was not an I disagree with off-shore tax haven, You're like Hitler So I said nothing. AUDIENCE: You’re like Hitler BRIAN: Wow! You guys are great C H O R U S 3 at following orders! You said something

V E R S E 2 A I disagree with You conservatives are scheming You're like Hitler to put prayer back into school AUDIENCE: You’re like Hitler, etc.

V E R S E 3 A BRIAN: No, you're like Hitler BRIAN: You say not to AUDIENCE: You’re like Hitler call you Hitler, BRIAN: Hitler!

The analogy’s unfair vocal, guitar, FX: Brian Woodbury You say it’s like what Goebbels did. tuba: Chris Olness I see what you did there. clarinets: Mark Hollingsworth I called you Hitler. audience vocals: Elma Mayer, You called me Hitler. Deb Hiett, Bill Berry & Maple Valley That’s so Hitler! House Concert audience

V E R S E 3 B And when someone who is FLASHMOB!!! actually like Hitler comes along Hey, everybody, it’s a flashmob! What warning can I sound Flashmob! that is adequately strong? Flashmob!

I know! Mussolini! vocals, keyboards, drum But no one will believe me programming, FX: Brian Woodbury ’Cause they’re all like Hitler

C H O R U S 4 I HOLD YOUR HAND IN MINE You say something (Tom Lehrer) We disagree with V E R S E 1 You're like Hitler. (March with me!) I hold your hand in mine, dear AUDIENCE: You’re like Hitler, etc. I press it to my lips E X T E N S I O N I take a healthy bite from BRIAN: You’re like Hitler your dainty fingertips AUDIENCE: You’re like Hitler V E R S E 2 effect in Logic Pro X. The Vocoder My joy would be complete dear effect allows you to go ahead and if you were only here transform your voice to the sound But still I keep your hand as of a instrument, or transform your a precious souvenir instrument to the sound of a voice. It’s that robot voice effect you B R I D G E always sometimes hear. The night you died I cut it off

I really don't know why They say there are supposably For now each time I kiss it I get blood stains on my tie some other third party standalone Vocoders that are supposably better V E R S E 3 than Logic’s? But this is like I'm sorry now I killed you super convenient. Plus, honestly, I For our love was something fine never tried those other ones, so Until they come to get me, save that for a later tutorial. I shall hold your hand in mine Haha. LOL. vocal: Brian Woodbury Okay. nylon guitar: Jim “Kimo” West So, first thing you’re gonna wanna HEY GUYS go ahead and do is, is you’re gonna (Brian Woodbury) wanna go ahead and make sure you

Hey what’s up guys. This is Ray have a piece of audio to work with. I Zapronak from Ray Z Tutorials? sometimes always usually just use Today I’m gonna go ahead and my own voice. show you how to use the Vocoder So the very next thing you’re gonna you’re gonna wanna go ahead and wanna do is you’re gonna wanna go find the sound that you wanna go ahead and bring up a new software ahead and use for vocoding. I’ve instrument. You can easily go ahead chosen this rad synth sound with some cool chord changes I laid and do that by just going ahead and down earlier. selecting this button right here. Next thing we’re gonna wanna do is Next you’re gonna wanna go ahead go over to our signal area? And and scroll down and select the make sure we have VOC selected. EVOC Vocoder and choose stereo I’m gonna go ahead and hit play. output. Remember not to skip that step. I sometimes never remember ’N’ that’s it. I hope this helps you to choose stereo, so I sometimes get to achieve the final net end always have to go back and select it results you’re looking for using the again. Literally. Vocoder effect.

Now, first thing you’re gonna wanna Okay guys thanks for watching. And go ahead and do is you’re gonna please subscribe to my YouTube wanna go ahead and sidechain the page, Ray Z tutorials. Later. signal. Sidechain sounds complicated but it’s just a technical vocal, guitars, bass, keyboards, term for how sidechain a signal. synths & drum programming: Brian Woodbury That’s turnt up!

And hey, we’re pretty much almost all the way there to get this set up. So, now the very next thing you’re gonna wanna go ahead and do is

CARE ABOUT CANCER in my entire life (Brian Woodbury) Those were good. But they’re nothing compared to the Share this song ones I just had if you care about cancer Pass it along C H O R U S if you care about cancer The best ever For if you don’t share The best ever That means you’re not aware The best And you don’t really care Ever about cancer V E R S E 2 vocal & uke: Brian Woodbury My mom's the best mom ever. After an exhaustive survey of all THE BEST EVER living mothers and all mothers that (Brian Woodbury) have ever lived –

V E R S E 1 billions and billions of mothers – Those were the best pancakes ever it turns out my mom is better at Better than the ones I had last week being a mother than all other Better than those amazing ones mothers. that everybody was Imagine that! raving about for years Your mother sucks, Better than the ones from the really by comparison. popular restaurant that was voted as I mean statistically. having the best pancakes of 2004 And actually.

Better even than the pancakes I had the first time I ever had pancakes C H O R U S I know because this is where I live. The best ever It's so obvious from my point of The best ever view that I don't even have to think The best about it. Ever That's what makes it so great. Ever Those other countries think they’re Ever so special. Go around talking about how great V E R S E 3 they think they are. That was the best sex ever. Better than all those other times I We’ll show ’em how great they are. Don’t push it. told you that was the best sex ever. And everybody else I ever told that C H O R U S was the best sex ever. The best ever And better than every time anybody The best ever else who ever had sex said that was The best the best sex ever. Ever This time was it. Ever Doesn't get any better than that. Ever Ever B R I D G E Like I say to my BFFs, vocal, piano, synth: you're the best. Brian Woodbury Then I say the same to all the rest.

V E R S E 4 This is the best country ever. The greatest country on Earth.