Bienvenido a todos and welcome to the November 2020 edition. Issue No.160 Although we are still enjoying glorious blue skies and Nationally, after several weeks of apparent stability, the warm temperatures at the moment, autumn has definitely number of coronavirus cases in continues to rise. arrived with cold winds from the north. The Health Ministry’s latest report on the pandemic, The arrival of second home owners from abroad is now which was released on the evening of October 20, down to a trickle. showed 13,873 new confirmed cases and added 218 Covid-19. victims to the official death toll, which now stands at Stricter Covid restrictions have been in place in the 34,210. This brings the 14-day cumulative number of municipalities of and . These are covered coronavirus cases per 100,000 inhabitants to 322.9, a briefly on Page 3, but it is worth noting that Orihuela new record for that data point since the health crisis took Costa and Torremendo are not included in these hold in the country. new measures. The main cause of these restrictions is The Spanish Health Minister, Salvador Illa, has Covid-19 cases arising from the gathering of Spanish confirmed on the 20th that the government is families. There has been some surprise on the considering a nationwide state of alarm to implement introduction of the new restrictions. The Valencian Health a curfew, but stressed it would require the support of the Ministry report the reason being the high incidence of regions and the main opposition parties. cases in these areas, quoting an incidence of 215 cases BREXIT per 100,000 inhabitants in Elche and 431 in the case of Still no definitive news on the Brexit front after all these Orihuela in a 14-day period. However, data from the years. At the time of writing there is still too much bluffing portal of the Ministry of Health indicated a level of and ‘faffing’ around. contagions for those dates of 154.4 per 100,000 The animal protection charity APAH, now have a inhabitants for Elche and 149.8 for Orihuela! Family boutique on the ground floor of Via Park V; open gatherings in Orihuela City are blamed for the upsurge. Monday to Saturday, 10:30 - 14:30. Do pop ‘round! In Orihuela Costa the Covid-19 incidence is just 30 cases A cannabis club is scheduled to open shortly in Via per 100,000 inhabitants. I do not know of any expat’s Park V. who have caught the virus here. My hypothesis is that the Many thanks to Dave & Lily for donation. Brit’s (Scandi’s and Irish) do not mix very much with the Take care of yourselves and be safe. Spanish – hence the low incidence here. Still, do not Mick, Tid and the Dream Scene Team. drop your guard and become complacent. INTERPRETER LEGAL SERVICE, POLICE, ALL MEDICAL RESIDENCY TIE APPOINTMENTS CARDS LOCAL WILLS, NIE, SIP, RESIDENCIA etc. ENGLISH - SPANISH - GERMAN CALL SYLVIA WAGNER

TEL:639 93 21 37 Isn’t it a shame - mother’s flight being cancelled? The fake tan is a marvellous invention…While everyone else is on the beach trying to go brown, you’re in the hotel shagging a waiter. Jenny Eclair 2 LOCAL NEWS Lucky Pilar! The municipality of lies Educational centres in the province are just to the south of Orihuela Costa. The town requiring families of schoolchildren who miss and its neighbouring villages (Pinar de a day of class due to a simple benign infection Campoverde and Torre de la Horadada) are to provide a medical certificate that they do not home not only to Spaniards but to thousands of suffer from Covid to allow them to rejoin their British, German and northern European class. This has led to many problems. One expatriates. The municipality which ended the mother kept her child off school for a day as the previous term without any debt has now decided child had a sleepless night. She was obliged to to borrow around nine million euros from the take her four-year-old child to the health centre banks to correct the historical deficit in cultural where a doctor confirmed that she had no Covid facilities there by building a new Museum and symptoms but would not issue a certificate. The facility for Musical and Performing Arts. A school would not accept this and the child has cultural district is planned where three buildings now to have a two-week confinement. In will be built. One building will be the House of another case, a mother of a five-year-old said Culture, and inside we will find the library, the that the education authorities advised that a child municipal historical archive, the Gratiniano with ‘snot’ should not attend classes unless they Baches ethnological archaeological museum, the had a certificate ruling out Covid! What Sánchez Lozano art museum, the Easter rubbish! We all know that ‘snotty noses, colds museum, the temporary exhibition room, and and diarrhoea are very common with young multipurpose classrooms. Another building to children. Many fathers and mothers have agreed build a new music conservatory, with a teachers' to demand greater transparency when dealing room, library, multipurpose rooms, archive, ten with these cases, and are promoting protests at instrumental room and other non-instrumental the doors of schools demanding more rooms, rehearsal and audition rooms. And the information. third building would be a closed auditorium with The Covid pandemic has brought a change to a capacity of 600 seats in a space of one car purchasing throughout Spain. As people try thousand square meters. There are also green to shy away from public transport - tram traffic recreational areas and a cafeteria. The total plot down by 2.2 million passengers in our province size should be around 11,000 square metres. alone - the purchase of older cars has Lucky devils! Just in case your were increased considerably. During the month of wondering what Orihuela is going to September, 8,916 second-hand passenger cars introduce during the coming years for its were sold in the province, 35% of which were facility-starved residents on the Costa, see photo more than 15 years old! 5,273 were more than below…. 10 years old. Most of these are sold without guarantees or any legal requirements - i.e. part of the black economy. Many buyers hope to get eight to ten months out of a vehicle, knowing it would never pass an ITV and “maybe there will be a vaccine in less than a year.” At the time of writing, smoking is now banned completely throughout the Zenia Boulevard complex. When I heard that they’d found a cure for dyslexia it was like music to my arse. Was in Leroy Merlin’s today and saw some fly spray. I asked the young lad stacking the shelves "Is this any good for wasps ?" "No", he said. "It kills them!" MORE LOCAL NEWS 3 The City Council of San Miguel de Salinas has About 400 people gathered in the Plaza de just claimed the settlement of 10 million euros in la Constiticion in , photo, to demand urbanization fees from the owners of land under the that the Los Invernaderos urban plan. It does so a decade current after the managers, construction of Ribera Salud, roads, facilities, be retained green areas and for a further five years. The mayors of basic services in Orihuela and Torrevieja are the two on the far this sector, left of the photo. Police were there to measure which was to personal temperatures and social distancing. house 1,700 homes in the expansion area of ​​the The increase in Covid-19 cases during the urban area of ​​San Miguel. Most of the proposed previous month and the lack of traceability of urbanization - over half a million square meters - is cases has forced the Valencian Regional Health abandoned and fenced off. After 11 years only 4 Dept., to introduce restrictive measures in blocks of the 1,700 planned houses were built. The Orihuela and Elche. However, the areas of overhaul of this sector will involve the investment ofOrihuela Costa and Torremendo do not hundreds of thousands of euros for damages in have to comply with the new measures. The vandalism, theft and lack of maintenance. restrictive measures began on October 17 and The Valencia Department of Universal Health and are scheduled to last for 14 days. More than Public Health has decided not to extend the six people are now prohibited from meeting in management contract of the Torrevieja Department private or public places; capacity is limited to of Health, Ribera Salud and to initiate the 50% inside commercial and hospitality procedures so the said contract ends in October premises and bars and restaurants must close 2021. This is a political decision by the socialist at 11pm. Also, the sale of alcohol in bars and government in Valencia. Being a privately managed restaurants is prohibited after 10pm! After hospital together with the local heath centres, it is two weeks, the situation of these municipalities one of the most efficient health providers in the will be evaluated and it will be decided whether region. This will deteriorate from October 2021! the measures are extended or not. The This will affect the municipalities of Torrevieja, regulations that affect nightlife will remain for , , Pilar de la 21 more days and the regional health minister, Horadada, Orihuela, San Barceló, has already stated that, although the Fulgencio, Benijófar, Formentera situation in the is better del Segura, San Miguel de Salinas than in other autonomies, these limitations will and . There was not be lifted until the rest of the autonomies tension during the appearance of also do so. the Minister of Health, Ana In the case of Orihuela, Minister Barceló Barcelo, photo, when she specified that the incidence had increased announced the reversion of the from 120 cases per 100,000 inhabitants Torrevieja Health Department to between September 1 and 13, to 431 between public health control. Workers and members of the September 28 and October 11 . Also in this Hospital's works council turned their backs to city the traceability of the cases has been lost, the minister when she announced the end of the although the councillor indicated that the contract to the media. hospital pressure in this case "were not important" due to the low age of the infected. McEnroe was as charming as always, which means that he was as charming as a dead mouse in a loaf of bread. Clive James on John McEnroe 4

COSY Tel: 966 940 386 FRESHLY PREPARED HOMEMADE FOOD O KITCHEN OPEN - 10:00am to 2:00pm & 5:00pm to 8:00pm BREAKFASTS - English, Scottish & Irish Includes coffee, tea or OJ, Prices start at just €3.50! Served until 2pm everyday. R TAKE-AWAYS AVAILABLE! HAPPY HOUR 3 - 6pm EVERYDAY!

DRAUGHT BEER N Monday’s ESTRELLA €1.60 CARLING €2.30 Free Pool COORS LIGHT €2.30 All day!! MAGNERS €2.60 GUINNESS €2.80 E SPITFIRE €2.80 ALL John Smiths €2.20 a can! SPORTS Mahou bottles 2 for €2.50! ON Spirits & Mixers €3.50 R 6 GIANT Smirnoff Vodka & Mixer SCREENS!Soberano Brandy & Mixer Bacardi Rum & Mixer Original Larios Gin & Mixer HOUSE WINE - RED, WHITE, ROSE €1.40! BOTTLED SAN MIGUEL, & Gluten free AMBAR, - ESTRELLA 2 FOR €1.70 EVERY FRIDAY FUN MUSIC BINGO AT 2.30pm

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started talking about his well paid job, & his expensive sports car, then he pulled out a photo of his wife & said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife!" He said, "Why, is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's an optician!" 5

She is so hairy - when she lifted up her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit. Joan Rivers on Madonna 6 ALL DAY - EVERY DAY HOUSE WINE ALL DAYONLY - EVERY €1.70! DAY €1 A 2 BOTTLES OF AMBAR VIA PARK III GLASS! ENTERTAINMENT & GREAT FOOD ! WEDNESDAYS 8:00PM Everyone is a Winner! THURSDAYS FUN DARTS! 8pm EVERYONE IS WELCOME! FRIDAY NIGHT IS FISH & CHIP NIGHT WITH MUSHY PEAS WITH BTL WINE €14 PER COUPLE! SATURDAY NIGHT IS STEAK & MIX GRILL NIGHT 2 X MIX GRILL PLUS BTL WINE ONLY €20! OR 2 X STEAK PLUS BTL WINE ONLY €16! OR Why not mix and match 1 X MIX GRILL & 1 X STEAK PLUS BTL WINE ONLY €18!

FOR BOOKINGS TELEPHONE 637 046 438.

A Yorkshireman was returning home and saw a plumber's van outside his house and thought...... Jesus, I hope the missus is having an affair. MAHOU7 €2.00 A PINT - ALL DAY!

CARLING Every €2.80 PINT!! Hour DRAFT Is Happy COOR’S LIGHT Hour €2.80 PINT VIA PARK III @CK1 OPEN AT 9AM EVERY DAY! COMPREHENSIVE MENU FEATURING EVERYTHING FROM GREAT STEAKS & GAMMONS TO CURRIES, BURGERS AND FISH & CHIPS HOMEMADE CHIPS, NEVER FROZEN! BREAKFASTS FROM JUST €3-50! WHICH INCLUDE O.J.; & TEA OR COFFEE! IF YOU ARE REALLY, REALLY HUNGRY THEN TRY OUR OMG MENU. WINTER MENU NOW AVAILABLE ONLY €5.95!! COME AND TRY OUR FAMOUS SUNDAY LUNCH MAIN COURSE JUST €6.25, 2 COURSE €8.50, 3 COURSE €10.50! Always a great deal at CK1 FOR BOOKINGS TELEPHONE 637 046 438. Wi-Fi! 8 BITS & BOBS! The Elche City Council has increased the from a builder due to negligent work, which budget for the cleaning contract for the 29 Elena pocketed, together with another €400,000 schools in the city by 600,000 euros to meet the she took from others. Pascual, who swore he new needs arising from the coronavirus. The knew nothing about the fraud, received a three- local government board of Elche have now put month jail sentence. Elena, who received a six- out to tender the new contract that now rises to month sentence, never admitted where the 2.5 million euros a year. The contract is for money went. However, as she featured in a two years, renewable for another three. number of major poker tournaments during the An accelerated flu vaccination campaign time, you don’t need to be a Sherlock to know aims to break records to mitigate the ravages of where the he money went! Covid. The goal is to get 75% of older people But here’s the kicker: Neither will serve a to receive immunization. Last year, coverage jail term! As it’s a first offence and sentences was barely 53% given of less than two years, combined with a The controversial founder of McAfee lengthy trial, so neither will serve any time! The antivirus software, 75-year-old John McAfee, urbanisations are now trying to recover the was arrested at Barcelona Airport in early embezzled money from the insurers…….and October. The multi-millionaire was good luck with that! accompanied by his 17-year-old girlfriend at the The National Court has sentenced the former time. McAfee, photo, is wanted in the U.S. on president of Pescanova, Manuel Fernández de a number of tax evasion Sousa-Faro, to eight years in prison for the charges and now faces largest accounting fraud in the history of Spain extradition. In July 2017, in (a hidden debt of €2.6 billion that ended in the an effort to improve the unit largest non-real estate bankruptcy): the irregular price, McAfee wrote on practices that he put in place in order to obtain Twitter that he predicted that bank financing for the company and the the price of one bitcoin would manipulation of the entity's accounts in order to jump to $500,000 within three attract investors who ended up losing their years, and "If not, I will eat money. Likewise, it imposes penalties ranging my own dick on national television." In from six months to three and a half years in November 2017, he increased his prediction to prison for another 11 defendants of the $1 million. Fortunately, none of these three company's executive and condemns Pescanova things happened! He could now face 30 years herself and the auditor, BDO, who must face a in an American jail. civil liability of 187 million. Pescanova Known as the Poker Queen, Elena C, photo, products are still on sale in some supermarkets. managed to scam almost a The CESM-CV medical trade union has half million euros from 36 launched more than 1,000 lawsuits against the urbanisations and others of Valencia Health Authorities due to various the city of Valencia between forms of neglect during the Covid crisis. 2013 and 2015. Together Life expectancy in Spain has dropped by with her then lawyer nearly one year due to the Covid pandemic. husband, Pascual G, they Another Covid blow to Spain’s hostelry managed the accounts of sector comes as the national Government many urbanisations and a number of farms. announced that the winter program of Imserso One urbanization received a cheque of €46,599 holidays for pensioners has been cancelled.

My wife has got quite good at ventriloquism...... scared the shit out of her gynaecologist the other day though! STILL MORE BITS & BOBS! 9 In a recent referendum, 62% of Swiss voters a hard-line supporter of Catalan independence rejected a proposal by a right-wing party to and a general pain-in-the-ass, guilty of limit the free movement of European disobedience for failing to remove banners citizens, which is allowed at present by the supporting jailed separatist leaders from public Swiss Confederation. This avoids a rupture buildings during campaigning ahead of that, coinciding with Brexit, was worrying in elections. The Catalan High Court barred Brussels. If the Swiss denied free movement, Torra from public office for 18 months and they would not be allowed to remain in the ordered him to pay a fine of €30,000 and the Single Market. Free movement is fundamental legal costs of the trial. Torra appealed the to the Single Market rules. decision at the Supreme Court, but its A Spanish court has acquitted 34 magistrates upheld the sentence, arguing that defendants, including former International the Catalan premier had “stubbornly and Monetary Fund (IMF) chief Rodrigo Rato, obstinately” refused to observe the orders from who had been accused of fraud against the Junta Electoral. The Supreme Court’s investors and false accounting in connection decision means that Torra will be barred for 18 with the 2011 listing of the lender Bankia. In months from both public office, be it at a local, July 2011, Bankia was floated on the Spanish regional, state or European level, and from stock exchange at €3.75 a share. Less than a local, regional and national government. year later, that price had plummeted to around The U.S. Navy will continue its new COVID- €1.00 and the bank was bailed out in 2012. A era practice of longer deployments with fewer review of Bankia’s earnings statement for 2011 port calls, as leaders feel they have found a showed that instead of turning a profit of €309 difficult but winning strategy to keep the virus million as reported, the lender had in fact lost in check among its crews. nearly €3 billion. Rato, who became chairman Will ship’s cruises ever return? of Bankia in January 2010, has never The World Trade Organization (WTO) is considered himself responsible for the expected to publish a confidential ruling problems that led to the bank’s spectacular allowing Europe to impose tariffs on U.S. demise two years later, ruining thousands of goods worth $4 billion a year, confirming a small savers who had bought shares, besides decision first reported by Reuters. The tariffs nearly bankrupting the country itself with at echo duties on $7.5 billion of European goods €22.4 billion bailout paid with taxpayers' including wine granted to the United States over money, in the middle of a tremendous crisis. European aid for Airbus AIR.PA. Together, The High Court now finds that the prosecution the cases mark the largest ever WTO dispute did not accuse the defendants of specific and a growing flashpoint in transatlantic trade enough charges but merely of “generic ties. Britain, where Airbus builds wings and attitudes.” This lack of professionalism is employs 14,000 people, is involved in the 16- stunning. year-old dispute alongside fellow Airbus On December 19, 2019, the Catalan High backers France, Germany and Spain and the Court found the Catalan premier, Quim Torra, EU itself. Obit’s! This Jewish guy calls the newspaper to publish an obituary notice for his wife Shlomo: Hello, This is Shlomo Goldstein, I want to publish an obituary notice for my wife Rachel. Agent: Hello Shlomo, how shall we publish it, do you have any words in mind? Shlomo: "Rachel is dead". That's enough. Agent: Sir you can write more; its the same price. Shlomo: Hmm okay, "My wife Rachel is dead." Agent: Sir, it is the same price up to 9 words, are you sure this is enough? ..after a moment of pause….. Shlomo: "My wife Rachel is dead, Ford Fiesta for Sale." 10 THE BAR HEINEKEN

NEXT DOOR. 3 SCREENS! FIRST FLOOR VIA PARK III STRONGBOWCIDER (Sister bar to The Lime Bar)

POOL KNOCKOUT COMPETITION HOSTED BY DEREK EVERY THURSDAY AT 3PM. MAXIMUM 16 PLAYERS. FREE WI-FI REAT PRIZES!! HOSTED BY KEVIN HAPPY HOUR Monday to Friday until 7pm

SOUTH FACING OPEN 7 DAYS TERRACE A WEEK

104FM - TORREVIEJA-ORIHUELA COSTA

FRESH NEW SOUND FOR THE ORIHUELA COSTA AND TORREVIEJA WITH OUR OWN STUDIO. YOU CAN TUNE-IN ONLINE TO OUR SISTER STUDIO IN AT http://freshradiospain.com/ CHECKOUT OUR FACEBOOK PAGE FOR ALL THE LATEST NEWS & VIEWS THROUGHOUT THE COSTA https://www.facebook.com/freshradiospainCBS/

A pirate walks into a pub with a parrot on his shoulder. The landlord asks, "Where did you get that from?" Parrot replies, "Jamaica, there's hundreds of them out there!" 11 LIME BAR VIA PARK III HEINEKEN

FOSTERS& LAGER 15 LARGE TV SCREENS! THATCHERS CIDER2 MAIN SCREENS 75inch EACH!

GUINNESSEVERY PREMIER LEAGUE GAME LIVE! €3 A PINT! GAA, RUGBY, DARTS, FORMULA ONE, GOLF. AMSTEL CHAMPION’S LEAGUE & EUROPA CUP MUSIC BINGO - Every Monday 3pm with Gina Gee OUR FAMOUS MEAT RAFFLE FRIDAYS @ 8pm OUR FRIDAY QUIZ IS NOW BACK!! NEW START TIME 8pm LIVE MUSIC THURSDAYS - 4 ‘TIL 7ish. THE NUMBER ONE SPORTS BAR IN THE COSTA BLANCA

CHECK OUT OUR SPECIALITY Happy Hour Mon - Fri 12 ‘til 7 pm COFFEES! FREE Wi-Fi! 12

VIA PARK V. OPEN DAILY 12pm -9pm KITCHEN 12pm - 7pm MENU CONDENSED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE. Kitchen Times Tu - Sat 12 - 7pm Sun 3 - 6pm JJ’s Menu del Dia Tue - Fri 3 Course 2 - 5pm €10 per person

FRIDAYS COD & CHIPS SPECIAL £6 p.p. FUN DARTS!

Everyone Welcome! ALL SPORTS SHOWN INSIDE & OUTSIDE THE BAR

JJ, Rob & Bobby 693 985 122 TWEET! FREE TWEET! WI-FI 13 Help Vega Baja Christmas Raffle 2020 ! This year HELP Vega Baja was due to celebrate 40 years supporting people in the community with many fundraising events planned. Then Covid 19 entered the stage! All plans were put to one side as the charity concentrated on helping people through lockdown with the distribution of food vouchers and other support. Although their office in San Miguel was closed, the team were on hand dealing with requests for help from individuals, social services and the Consulate via telephone. As charities re-opened in June, many of the volunteers took the decision not to return for the foreseeable future but to stay home until things “improved”. HELP Vega Baja chose to therefore open on three days a week (Monday, Wednesday and Friday) which so far is working well. With income greatly reduced the charity is now dependent upon what is sold in their charity shop and their market stall at Campoamor market. In an attempt to boost income and with no Christmas Fayre planned for this year, the teams have organised a grand raffle with an abundance of great prizes including a flat screen TV. Tickets are 1 EUR each, and for 4 EUR you can get 5 tickets! At present tickets can be purchased from the San Miguel Centre but will shortly be available also at the HELP desk in La Marina on a Thursday at the Hope Christian Fellowship Centre. Other outlets have said they would like to come on board and sell the tickets for us and these details will be published shortly. HELP Vega Baja registered charity – help us to help others. HELP VEGA BAJA is registered with the Valencian Authority as a Volunteer Organisation - Registration Number CV-O4-047761-A. It is a non-profit making organization. For further information see www.helpvegabaja.com FORECLOSURES Since 2013 to 2019, the courts have processed more than 27,500 foreclosures that have ended up with homeowners and renters being dumped on the street for defaulting on mortgages. Valencia is the second Community after Andalusia, with the most foreclosures. Add to this almost a half million unsold newly built properties nationally (albeit some built several years ago) and you will understand that the banks are holding a huge stock of property and they do not know how to reduce or get rid of it! As the months go by, the properties will continue to lose a value that, in many cases, was well above the real value because they came from the real estate "bubble" of previous years, when everything was sold at high prices. The data below shows the incidence in some municipalities and year, but does not include any figures for 2020 to date. 14

Fancy a day off from cooking, on Holiday & could really do with a night at home or simply want a change? THEN LET US DO IT FOR YOU! A selection of British & International meals, available fresh or frozen, delivered to your door 7 days a week. Lunch deliveries between 1pm & 3pm Dinner deliveries between 2pm & 5pm Flexible delivery available on request, for a small surcharge Dine at home with a 3 course meal for 10€ per person per day.

Check out our Facebook page: From us to You, for photographs of some of the dishes & the weekly menu. Email: [email protected] Phone or Whatsapp: +34 604373151

The Looooooong Story! A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry all his purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens. IDIOTS & ODDITIES OF THE MONTH 15 Romanian villagers re-elected their mayor A flasher has denied exposing himself on posthumously. 56-year-old Ion Aliman, photo, Guernsey, saying he was merely died of Covid-19 complications during holding a hot dog. Eric De September, but his constituents Jersey, 61, produced a similar honoured him in a landslide hot dog in court as his lawyer with an unprecedented third insisted: ‘He had ……in his term. His death came too late to right hand, a jumbo sausage remove his name from the ballot, in a roll.’ But nevertheless, but the news of his passing De Jersey was found guilty spread fast through the village, home to just of indecent exposure. over 3,000 people. The popular incumbent Now I know that readers of would have celebrated his 57th birthday on The Dream Scene are a election day. To honour the man they admired, collection of educated cultural hundreds of Deveselu villagers still went to the piss-heads, so I have included a polling stations and voted for Aliman anyway. picture of a Michelangelo statue A group of African gray parrots who were with hot dog for their pleasure. quarantined together at a wildlife park in Police in Vietnam have made an alarming Lincolnshire, England, taught each other how discovery: a factory where about 345,000 used to swear. The five birds arrived at condoms were Lincolnshire Wildlife Park in August and being recycled and shared a room. The foul language made staff repackaged as new. members laugh, which encouraged the birds to The 34-year-old keep going with their swear words. The owner of the parrots started to equate swear words with factory near Ho Chi laughter and would start Minh City said she laughing at their own bought the old obscenities. By the time the condoms in bulk park reopened to the public, off a middleman, the birds had gotten in the then washed and reshaped them, before habit of calling visitors names. packing them in plastic sacks for resale. Staff and customers got a Vietnam’s state broadcaster VTV said it was laugh out of it, but the park decided to move unclear how many had already been sold on. them to an enclosure until their vocabulary Waitrose has been roundly mocked for improved. The park’s chief executive told selling “Autumn Seasonal Foliage” – or reporters "What we will do now is release autumn leaves – to its well-heeled them out but in separate areas so at least if they customers, for £6 a bag. “Bring the outside do swear it is not as bad as three or four of indoors,” reads the bouquet’s description. One them all blasting it out at once." Twitter user said: “Hello @waitrose I applaud A passenger has been you for trying to sell customers a bunch of spotted wearing a snake as a leaves for £6.” But a spokesperson for the face mask on a Manchester supermarket insisted: “We’ve seen a really bus. One witness initially strong demand for autumn foliage – our thought the man was wearing customers love using these to mix in with their a “funky mask” on the seasonal flowers to brighten their homes.” Swinton to Manchester Looks like another ‘Brexit Bonus’ for the UK service last week, until she after Jan’1,2021; exporting leaves worldwide! saw the snake slither over a hand rail. 16

ARE YOU WASTING MONEY IN YOUR PENSION SCHEME? There are many pension schemes, especially QROPS, where the administration, advice costs etc are very overly charged. I have been able to reduce fees for pension plans by on average 55% and also able to provide a regular review of the pension value. This can amount to considerable savings over the years. In fact one new client that we reviewed recently now has a pension that will provide him with a further £150,000. DON’T MISS OUT, contact me on 634305881 for details.

BREXIT AND YOUR PENSION No one knows what will happen with BREXIT , but I do know that anyone who did not live in the EU and wanted to transfer their pension overseas was hit last year with a 25% TAX CHARGE. Ouch! This could also be the case for transferring within the EU if we leave. Contact me on 634305881 to discuss your options.

NEED A FINANCIAL ADVISER? Are you one of the many who have taken out an investment or pension and never see the adviser again? You need regular updates of what is happening within the industry that could save you a considerable amount. Contact me on 634305881 to see if I can help.

Contact us now for a free assessment, initial discussions are free and always without obligation. Visit our website: www.mhpensions.co.uk Geordie in the Ranks! General Custer is just about to enter Little Big Horn when he hears the Indians banging their drums in preparation for the coming battle. Custer turns around in his saddle and speaks to his Master Sergeant who just happened to come from Newcastle. "Hear that sergeant? They've got war drums!" The sergeant gallops off ahead of Custer shouting, "Let's gan an' kill 'em all then, the thieving bastards!" No Budget Yet! 17 Spain's highly polarized politics has meant no real FEELING HOT OR COLD? budget has been agreed for four years and the last WE HAVE THE SOLUTION! one did not have to account for a pandemic or a AFFORDABLE deep recession. AIR CON Spanish prime minister Pedro Sánchez is currently trying to sort out the squabbling factions he needs to make up the votes to get the deal done. ALL AIR CON SYSTEMS While the Socialist prime minister tries to strike a HOT & COLD - SUPPLY & FIT deal with the centrist Ciudadanos, his far-left OR INSTALLATION ONLY. partners Unidas Podemos or regional parties, the SERVICING, RE-GAS & REPAIRS ALL WORK CARRIED OUT BY A nation waits to see if he can pull it off. CITY & GUILD’S QUALIFIED INSTALLER. The odds are Sánchez will succeed and this will MANY SATISFIED CLIENTS IN YOUR AREA. allow the government to plough public money to Call Keith on 649 584 493 or Gary on 602 596 492 continue a furlough scheme into next year for for a free quotation. stricken sectors like tourism and bring in tax rises which are inevitable to pay for all of this. The €140 billion in grants and loans from the European Union is not dependent on the government agreeing a budget but it would help to Lago Jardin II. make Spain look like it can manage the money. Currently, unemployment stands at 15 percent. SPECIALS & TAPAS The furlough scheme, which has saved many jobs, BINGO! Thursdays 3pm is likely to continue until Easter next year for key SUNDAY ROAST FROM 1pm sectors like tourism, which accounts for 12% of Booking advisable at the bar GDP and 13% of all jobs. or call 693 661 958 Yet it has angered many business owners because Every Sunday the government insists that when workers return to Quiz Night 8:30pm. their jobs they cannot be sacked for six months. SOUTH Wi-Fi FACING

FAST, FRIENDLY SERVICE MANY YEARS IN THE TRADE MOSQUITO BLINDS INSTALLED FREE ESTIMATES ALL ASPECTS OF HOUSE MAINTENANCE CONTACT MARK ON 634 345 096 OR NEIL ON 650 842 711 www.brushstrokes.xyz [email protected]

Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you. Mae West 18 ELECTRIC BOILERS British with EU Members REPAIRED - REPLACED - RE-SITED in Your Family? Members of the House of Lords have now voted in favour of an amendment to the immigration bill that would allow Britons established in the EU before the end of the Brexit transition period to maintain the right to return to the UK with their European family members POWER SURGE PROTECTORS without them being subject to strict immigration rules YOUR WHOLE HOME PROTECTED and means tests. TV’s, COMPUTERS, APPLIANCES. Currently the law for Britons living in the EU is that they €150 FITTED. TEL: KEITH: 649 584 493 will be to bring non-British family members, including & GARY: 602 596 492 children, partners, parents and grandparents if they return to the UK before the end of March 2022. DO YOU Standard immigration rules will then apply to relatives NEED brought in after the cut-off date meaning they would be subject to strict immigration rules, visa obligations and AN ELECTRICIAN? financial means tests. OR A PLUMBER? ALSO GENERAL REPAIRS The vote in the Lords was delayed for a week and came PAINTING & MAINTENANCE after hundreds of UK citizens living in the European BATHROOM & SHOWER-ROOM Economic Area and Switzerland wrote to peers over CONVERSIONS. recent weeks to explain what it would mean to them and NO JOB TOO SMALL & NO JOB TOO BIG! their families if they were unable to return to live in the UK with our non-UK partners after March 2022. CALL ED ON 693 661 958 However the ball is now in the hands of PM Boris Johnson's government who must decide whether to accept the amendment as part of the new law when the bill returns to the lower House of Commons. In San Miguel de Salinas British in Europe have long complained that the Brexit DOG Withdrawal Agreement in fact locks many Britons out GROOMING of the UK because they would not be able to return PARLOUR home with their non-British partners in the future.

FOR APPOINTMENTS Phone Vicky: 672 326 979

“I wanted somewhere like England, but in Spain.” 19 Yet Another Casanova! It continues to amaze me how often people are duped out of their dosh by a bit of sweet talking. A 42-year-old Uruguayan national male, (Formerly Mar Services) photo, studied the profile of an unnamed Excellent Service at Competitive Prices. woman in , probably on social media. He then Non Resident Taxes & Resident Taxes invented a new (Only €35 per person) identity for himself with a fictitious name, All Property Conveyancing - job and address. Purchase, Sale, New Works etc. He managed to start a friendship with this lady Wills and gradually made her believe Translations that he was in love with her. After they began a NIE, Residencia, SIP Card Applications romantic relationship he started to make excuses for money loans. He told her that: he had a sister whose home was CEE & Certificate of Habitation going to be repossessed, getting the & much more…… injured party to lend him 50,000 euros. He then encouraged her to invest €18,000 WWW.SOLMEDSOLICITORS.COM in a popular English football club, telling her that he was due to be working for the EMAIL: club soon. He then got her to pay for a [email protected] trip for both of them to Thailand. But TEL:0034-640 621 558. they never took the trip (his passport would have his true identity!) and he told her that the travel agent held on to the money. After receiving more money for a number of other ‘emergencies,’ he came up with a beauty! He stated his mother had a serious illness so she lent him €170,000 for the expensive treatment PROPERTIES NOW REQUIRED and later another €5,000 for the burial as FOR SALES AND RENTAL. his poor mum ‘died.’ The lady then CLIENTS WAITING. found out about his false name. She CHECK OUT OUR demanded the return of the money, now COMPREHENSIVE €253,000+. She still dawdled a bit WEBSITE AND RANGE OF before advising the Guardia Civil, who PROPERTIES AT - located and arrested the man in Elche, www.sangriaproperties.com fortunately just in time as he was planning Emails:[email protected] to leave the country. Police believe that Tel: 0034 966 772 553 he has also conned a number of others. 20 BAR DOMINO LOS ALTOS. OPEN 7 DAYS FROM 9.30AM KITCHEN OPEN DAILY - 9:30 - 9:30

SCOTTISH BREAKFAST SQUARE SAUSAGE, LINK SAUSAGE, BACON, EGG, BLACK PUDDING, POTATO SCONE, TOMATO, BEANS, MUSHROOM & TOAST WITH OJ & TEA OR COFFEE ALL THIS - ONLY €5.50!! Full English Breakfast €4.50 Mon-Sat 9.30am-1.30pm Sausage, Bacon, Egg, Hash Brown, Tomato, Beans, Mushroom, Toast, Includes tea or coffee & orange juice. ALSO VEGGIE & GLUTEN FREE! Unbeatable Sunday Lunch €6.50!

Lunch only 12:30pm to 6pm Booking essential! Always Busy! AMSTEL, HEINEKEN, FOSTERS, JOHN SMITH, GUINNESS & THATCHERS ALL ON DRAUGHT!

Always a good deal at Domino’s! CHECK OUT OUR MARVELLOUS SPORTS COVERAGE To reach Bar Domino, take the road past Via Park III and Consum, WiFi right to the bottom of the Los Altos hill where you will find our spacious bar and grounds. FACEBOOK - dominobar Tel: 694 494 697 CODERE BETTING MACHINE NOW IN! LIVE RACING DAILY! 21 BAR DOMINO LOS ALTOS.

FACEBOOK - dominobar Tel: 694 494 697 Check-out our Christmas Lunch menu Page 34 22

Near Aldi’s & Dream Hills 2. ALL YOUR FAVOURITE BEERS, WINES & SPIRITS. LIVE MUSIC WEDNESDAY & SUNDAYS AFTERNOONS BAR SNACKS AVAILABLE POOL& TABLEDART Open 9am Mon - Fri, Weekends from 10amBOARD Spacious South Facing Patio with Excellent Views See our Facebook page for upcoming events.

Paddy & Mary at Counselling! Paddy's & Mary's marriage was not doing very well. Eventually Mary took herself off to consult a therapist, Doctor O'Reilly. The Doctor spent an hour patiently asking all sorts of general questions about their marriage and ticking boxes on assessments. He IKEA FURNITURE eventually started to probe her on the intimate side of things; "Tell me Mary, how often during PICKUPS the average week do you have sex?" & ASSEMBLY "Well Doctor, it can vary but usually two or three times a week." "That's very good Mary. RUBBISH REMOVALS When you're having sex how would you ALL TYPES OF describe Paddy's expression?" "It's not nice Doctor, not nice at all. He looks SMALL HANDYMAN terrible angry." "Ah that's very interesting Mary. Tell me, when JOBS you're having sex and Paddy has this angry UK Electrician expression what position would he normally be For a reliable service you can trust in?" please don’t hesitate to call on 653303495 "Usually stood on top of the ladder Doctor Or email at [email protected] looking in through the window . . ." U.K. Welfare Benefit Information 23

BREXIT Update: People currently in receipt of welfare benefits will continue to receive these for life irrespective of the outcome of BREXIT negotiations at the end of 2020. Its possible that after 31st December 2020 new benefit applications will not be allowed. Attendance Allowance is a benefit for people in receipt of a UK state pension and who may need extra help to stay independent at home, due to an illness or disability. You could get: £58.70 or £87.65 a week if you need help both in the day and at night. Completing the lengthy form, you need to show that you need help at home or someone to keep an eye on you. This can include help such as getting out of bed, help to wash and dress. David, at Advocacy Costa Blanca is always happy to meet up for a chat. No charge.

Are you thinking about a return to the UK? Are you aware of the Habitual Residence Test and Ordinary Residence?

Should you decide to return to the UK, it may be that you could have housing, social services and benefits declined because of Habitual Residency Test and Ordinary Residence. David, at ACB, has been a UK social worker for eighteen years, many of these at a very senior level and is very accustomed to helping people access UK services on return. For free advice and guidance regarding a return to the UK please don’t hesitate to contact David at Advocacy Costa Blanca on 0034 602465565.

What’s the definition of a tragedy? Marrying a man for love and then discovering that he has no money. 24 PUNJABI PALACE

THE NUMBER ONE INDIAN RESTAURANT ON THE COSTA BLANCA. Local 6 Calle Mayor, off CV945, Los Montesinos. INDIAN CUISINE AT ITS FINEST. OVER 200 FRESHLY PREPARED DISHES FOR YOU TO CHOOSE FROM. FREE WIFI TRY OUR FAMOUS LUNCH MENU SERVED 12pm - 3pm Papadoms, any Chicken or Lamb dish, Rice or Naan, Coffee or Ice Cream. Includes a generous glass of wine, small beer or soft drink. ONLY €10.95!! DINNER SERVED 3 - 11pm Always a warm welcome! SPACIOUS AND FULLY AIR CONDITIONED Tel: 966 720 383

ALL LIVE SPORTS SHOWN •FULL ENGLISH BREAKFASTS •JACKET POTATOES Only best •HOMEMADE LASAGNE, CURRY, CHILLI British Produce! FREE •TOASTIES & SANDWICHES WiFi MONDAY - FABULOUS SINGER MARCY 5pm TUESDAYS FUN DARTS & DOMINOES 8pm THURSDAYS - QUIZ 8:00pm FRIDAY 8pm NEW SINGER EACH WEEK ALL LIVE PREMIERSHIP CHAMPIONSHIP GAMES ON 3 TVS WEEKEND FOOTIE SPECIAL HOMEMADE BURGER & PINT SAN MIGUEL ONLY €5! Happy Hour 3 - 6 each day Pint €2, bottle Amstel €1! Kath, Jules and staff welcomes you to Jessie’s and will ensure a safe & comfortable environment for all. South Facing Terrace, Opposite Mercadona in Los Balcones My old dad used to say, “The first rule of theatre is to leave them wanting more.” Lovely bloke but a terrible anaesthetist! 25

Still looking! These two Irish guys are working at a building site when suddenly Mick accidentally cuts his ear off. Paddy runs over to him to see if he's ok. "Sure I am. I just need to find my ear", says Mick. Paddy sees it on the floor, picks it up and tells Mick he found it. "Nah, that's not mine. Mine had a pencil behind it" OKUDA’S ART 26 Okuda San Miguel, photo, is a Spanish painter and sculptor known for his distinctive style of colourful geometric patterns that portray animals, skulls, religious iconography and human figures. His most famous creation is probably the Kaos Temple in Llarena, Asturias. An abandoned church, it is now a sanctuary for skateboarders and art lovers. The photo on the right is of one of the ceilings and is obviously best enjoyed in colour. Email copies of the newsletter are in colour but if you have a printed copy, you will have to use your imagination and google his name for some stunning images. The photo below show another view in the building. The other image on the right is of an old lighthouse in Cantabria which he transformed. Not everyone, however, shares his enthusiasm or his vibrant palette. Earlier this year, almost 4,000 people signed a petition calling for the building to remain white and arguing the makeover “completely changes the styling of the Cape Ajo lighthouse and does not respect Cantabria’s architectural heritage”. Members of the regional branch of the Izquierda Unida (United Left) party went a little further by reporting the matter to prosecutors and asking them to examine whether the council and the port authority had infringed any heritage laws or misused their powers. An investigation has been opened. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could get this talented artist to come to our Costa and create one of his colourful images for us all to enjoy! Okuda is now in Germany to paint a seven-storey building for a film festival.

I would never have taken up painting if women did not have breasts. Renoir 27

VIA PARK V

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger. It was only when I had my trousers around my ankles that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out. 28

I wouldn’t say my neighbourhood’s rough, but the local paper has a column for forthcoming deaths.

Bob Monkhouse

YOUR COMPLETE TILER

SPECIALIST TILING OF SOLARIUMS, PATIOS, GARDENS, DRIVEWAYS, STEPS. LEAKING ROOFS RE-ASPHALTED AND RE-TILED. BATHROOMS CONVERTED TO SHOWER ROOMS TO SUIT ALL TASTES AND BUDGETS. ALSO PAINTING AND GENERAL MAINTENANCE. CATALOGUE OF COMPLETED WORKS AVAILABLE FOR VIEWING Call Shane on 693 490 530 EMAIL: [email protected]

I had to go to the hospital last month for an operation. It was a complicated procedure and took some time. I remember waking up in my room. The first thing that I noticed was that the blinds were drawn and everything was dark! I called the nurse and I asked her why the blinds were drawn. She asked the doctor. The doctor came in and told me "They are fighting a huge fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up and think that your operation had failed." 29 DREAM HILLS AUTOS Near Aldi’s by Dream Hills II (New Owners - Ian, Mark & Colin) FULLY QUALIFIED & LICENSED ALL MAKES & MODELS COVERED DIAGNOSTICS & PRE-ITVS + AIR CONDITIONING ALL SERVICING & MAJOR REPAIRS RE-REGISTRATION/IMPORTATION FREE ESTIMATES Whatsapp & Tel: 966 724 346 [email protected]

Qualified Seamstress 40 yrs. Experience Turn-ups to Tailoring Patterns taken from your favourite clothes. Reasonable Prices Phone: Sandra 966 799 188 Mobile: 680 486 336 LOCKSMITH DALJIT’S VIA PARK V CERRAJEROS - SCHLOSSER MINI SUPERMARKET, SUN BAR & GRILL SEGURIDAD UNION We also do Breakfasts, Burgers, Doner Kebabs & Fish & Chips: Eat-in or Take-away! ¬ Fabulous Range of Indian Spices Greeting Cards, 607 493 118 Off Licence Antonio Credit Cards Accepted LOCAL OPEN FROM 11:00am UNTIL 10:00pm (Cut out & keep.) We are open 365 days a year! 30 NICKY’S CAFE BAR Camping Florantilles TEL: 603 306 458 MON - SUNDAY 2pm - 10pm CARPENTRY - KITCHENS

tILING - FLOORING Gill welcomes you to JILLY’S BATHROOMS Lago Jardin II LARGE SOUTH-FACING TERRACE Kevin Molford: 744605865 CONDENSED MENU Large Coffee Or Tea With Victoria: 744616586 Homemade Cheesecake only €2.75! FUN DARTS TUESDAY NIGHTS Fully Legal NOW RE-STARTED! [email protected] Come & join the fun! Wi-Fi

Out of bounds! The Royal Navy is now assigning females SHAKESPEARE’S to quarters in a separate private "OFF POOL LIMITS" area on all warships and aircraft carriers. Addressing all boat personnel at MAINTENANCE Plymouth, a senior Admiral advised: WEEKLY CLEANS "Female sleeping quarters will be "out-of- FULLY REGISTERED bounds" for all males. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined £50 the first time”. He continued: "Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined £150. Being caught a third time will cost you a For more information or a quote, fine of £500. Are there any questions?" At this point, a Stoker stood up in the Please contact us at crowd and inquired………….. [email protected] "Sir, how much for a season ticket ? Or call us on 711007629

I was chatting to a supplier in China today. He told me not to bother getting COVID-19. They’ve releasing an improved version called COVID-20 Pro early next year. 31

People think it always rains in Manchester; not true, although I admit it’s the only town in the country with lifeboat drills on the bus routes. Les Dawson 32 Applying Online for a Padron Appointment UK NON-RESIDENT OWNERS In Orihuela. RENTING Many of us who have been over here for some UK citizens who don’t live in Spain but let years will only be too aware of the many, many out a property in the country will no longer hours of seemingly endless queues while waiting be able to dock off expenses from their tax to register for Padron, Residencia, SUMA - in declaration once they become non-EU fact most things. The bureaucracy in Spain citizens. teaches us all patience. The measure relates to the IRNR (Non- Fortunately the local council have come up with a resident Income Tax), which for EU very welcome efficiency, where one can now residents is 19% on net income and for register online for an appointment. non-EU is 24%. On this website you can choose day, date and Crucially however, foreign non-resident time for your appointment, subject of course to homeowners from the EU, Norway and availability. Iceland can claim back many more The web address is located below and is, expenses (mortgage interest, insurance, IBI, helpfully, also available in the English language. community fees etc) which non-EU resident When you first try to access the site, you may get property owners cannot. a warning saying that this particular website does For example, an EU resident who makes not have a security certificate. I just ignored it. €1,000 a month in rental income from a Aside from the appointments facility, the website property in Spain will end up paying €779 also contains information relating to participation, annually in taxes after deductions, whereas transparency etc. a non-resident from a non-EU country https://orihuela.governalia.es/en/ would pay €2,880 a year in IRNR tax for the same earnings and time period. Airport Bus Timetable. Spanish legislation also sets out big Monday to Sunday, 365 days a year. differences between non-resident landlords Torrevieja to Airport: 7:00, 9:00, 10:00, 11:00, 12:00, and resident landlords when it comes to tax 13:00, 14:00, 15:00, 16:00, 17:00, 19:00, 21:00 deductions. Airport to Torrevieja: 8:00, 10:00, 11:00, 12:00, 13:00, Whereas resident owners can apply a 14:00, 15:00, 16:00, 17:00, 18:00, 20:00, 22:00 reduction of 60% of the net rent income on Departure and arrival (in Torrevieja): From Torrevieja long-term leases before tax is calculated, bus station. Calle del Mar, 50 Departure and arrival (in Alicante Airport): 2nd Floor non-residents can’t. Ticket Price: 7€ Brussels also announced back in March Children under 4 years free (ID required) 2019 the initiation of an infringement Pensioners can get a 30% discount, with appropriate ID. procedure against Spain for this matter. This is a regular occurrence for Spain with many of its infringements tax related. Aussie Style! After spending many, many years as an expensive hooker, Lucy decided to retire and get married. However, after enduring a long procession of weird men and women during her career, she decided to marry a male virgin about her own age. Lucy put adverts in newspapers world-wide looking for a male virgin of around 55-years-old. She finally narrowed down all the applicants to a 52-year-old Australian computer programmer, Les, and after doing a thorough check on his background they were married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to brush her teeth. When she returns, she finds that her new husband has taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner. Thinking this rather strange and kinky, she asks her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman before?" Les replies, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!" 33

NEWS.....NEWS...... NEWS...... NEWS Rocamer´s new Tanatorio in San Miguel de Salinas Now Open!

Fancy Loo! The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, going on alarmingly because she thought he was with another woman. “No, darling, I swear, I was at this nightclub, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of gold”, he said. She said she didn’t believe him so she called the nightclub. “Hello,” she said, “I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your club and I have one question: “Are your urinals covered in gold?” To which she heard the barman say, “Hey, Clarence, I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone.” 34

FACEBOOK - dominobar Tel: 694 494 697 CHRISTMAS DAY FULLY BOOKED! 35

VIA PARK 3

WELCOME BACK TO MACKLIN’S COME AND RELAX IN THE BEER GARDEN OR INSIDE OUR COMFORTABLE LOUNGE AND ENJOY SOME COCKTAILS OR SPECIALITY BEERS. BINGO! EVERY SATURDAY 2pm

With Salsa Di Tuesday’s at 12 noon WhatsApp 604 277 617

They say men can never experience the pain of childbirth. They can if you hit them in the goolies with a cricket bat.....for 14 hours. Jo Brand 36 BIENVENIDO a BAR KALIMOTXO Bar y Restaurante Via Park III, Los Altos ALL FOOD IS FRESHLY PREPARED BREAKFASTS! Standard Breakfast €3.50 Large Breakfast €6.50 Includes tea, coffee or fruit juice. Also available SANDWICHES, BAGUETTES & SNACKS. SUCCULENT MEATS RANGING FROM ROAST CHICKEN TO DELICIOUS BURGERS. ROAST LAMB & ROAST KNUCKLE OF PORK also available with one day’s notice of order. MOUSSAKA & LASAGNE, CHICKEN WINGS AND WONDERFUL HAND-CUT CHIPS. TASTY FISH RANGING FROM SWORDFISH TO MERLUZA AND SARDINES. DELICIOUS SEAFOOD WITH PRAWNS, CALAMARES, CHIPIRONES etc. CHOPITOS! A RANGE OF GENEROUS & DELICIOUS SALADS ALSO AVAILABLE

¡Visítanos y disfruta los auténticos sabores de la cocina española! 'Come and enjoy the authentic taste of Spain.' Русский говорят.

As Amy was nursing her baby, her cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what Amy was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them……..' 37

It’s grim up North! The landlady said, ‘Have you got a good memory for faces?’ I said, ‘I have.’ She said,’You’ll need one cos there’s no mirror in the bathroom.’ I went upstairs and washed my hands. I said to the landlady, ‘Where’s the towel?’ She said, ‘There isn’t one. You’ll have to hang your hands out of the window.’ I’m glad I didn’t have a bath! (Ken Goodwin)

GOOD OLD FASHIONED SERVICE AT OLD FASHIONED SENSIBLE PRICES! NO JOB TOO SMALL !

Electric Water Heaters Replaced, Quick And Prompt Service. 80 Ltr Capacity Water Heaters Supplied And Fitted With A 3 Year Guarantee. Gas Central Heating Supplied & Fitted Both Natural Gas & LPG, With Full Spanish Certification. All Makes Of Air Conditioning Supplied & Fitted; Re-gas And Repairs.

Contact David on 634 286 590 or email [email protected] 38 Lime Bar Fishing SUNBATHING Club September 30th is the end of our “fishing year” so the October meeting is also our AGM. The AGM was like a meeting from the old days. A few heated discussions and it went on for over an hour! Good job Dodger wasn’t there, as it might have lasted even longer. We had a rundown of this year’s winners of each competition, sorted out this month’s matches, who was doing what jobs this year and decided not to have a presentation night (due to Covid restrictions). Presentations will happen after our November monthly meeting. The knockout final (last week of Sep) was between Cheshire Cat and Ghost (me). As the Cat and BFC’s semi had gone so well the week before at , we decided to fish the same pegs for the final - Pete in 1 & me in 3. The Cat got off to a flier landing 5 small carp before I had even had a bite. By lunch time, Pete was well in the lead but I had at last started catching. At 14.00 I landed 4 decent fish in 5 mins which made it too close to call. The cat was now struggling for a bite, but with 30 minutes to go, the grin came back as he caught a 4 lb mirror which swung the advantage back to him again. I then missed a couple but with 1 minute to go I landed a 1.5 pounder, but would it be enough? We both ended up with 15 carp, 20.57 lbs for Pete but 21.57 lbs for me. A really close final that literally went to the final whistle with the last fish. Although several people tried, nobody could better BFC’s 15 pounder, so he wins last year’s Biggest Carp Cup. It was very close call though, see below. This month’s match was held at Bigastro and was fished with rod & reel only (no poles). This match is for the one off “Rod & Reel” trophy and usually sorts the men out from the boys. After some fantastic fishing in the previous couple of weeks we were all eager to get going. When Yorkie Mick & Just John drew the favoured pegs 1 & 3, their eyes lit up. We had 16 anglers spread out on the naked bank so we could keep up with what anybody else was catching. Unfortunately, this was wasted as yet again, Bigastro fished like the October weather – hot & cold. We had 7 blanks (including pegs 1 & 3), several did not have a bite all day, some had 1 or 2 bites but only landed the 1 fish. 3 Rods was so fed up he went bleak snatching to earn himself 16 points. All the fish seemed to have moved downstream as that was where the weights came from. BFC thought he was in with a chance as he had 10 carp for 7.3 kilos. This was until Cheshire Cat (with his last cast) lobbed out a huge feeder full of bait and left it. He had only had 1 fish up to this point, but his persistence paid off. His 2nd fish was a 16 pounder which not only won him the match, the “Rod & Reel” trophy but also sets a massive target for the rest of us to beat in the annual “Biggest Carp” competition. Watch your crown BFC. This put the grin back into the Cat and made up for the close finish in the KO final. Well done sir! See photo. The Dodger suggested having a 3-man team handicap match. This will be fished at the end of October on the Bigastro match stretch. Let’s hope that the fish think it is a “hot” day and come out to play! The next meeting bun fight (AND PRESENTATIONS) is at The Lime Bar on Tuesday 3rd November @ 17.00. Stay safe Fishy Fingers! The Ghost 39

NATIONAL RED DAYS 2021 January 1st: New Year’s Day. (Friday) April 2nd: Good Friday May 1st: Workers' Day (Saturday) October 12th: Spanish National Day, (Tuesday) December 6th: Constitution Day (Monday) December 8th: Immaculate Conception (Wednesday) December 25th: Christmas Day (Saturday) VALENCIA RED DAYS 2021 January 6th: Epiphany / Three Kings Day (Wednesday) March 19th: St Joseph's Day/Father's Day (Friday) April 5th: Easter Monday June 24th: San Juan (Friday) Your local municipality will also have at least two A pub in the Wirral has given itself a days of holidays, dependent on the local patron saint temporary new name - days. The Three Bellends! RED DAYS -VALENCIA 2020 1 Nov Sun All Saints' Day; My grandmother was a very tough woman. 6 Dec Sun Constitution Day; She buried three husbands 8 Dec Tue Immaculate Conception; 25 Dec Fri Christmas Day. and two of them were just napping. Rita Rudner 40 CLASSIFIED ADS, ANNOUNCEMENTS, DAILY/WEEKLY CAR HIRE - 4 or 6 seater CALL COLIN (OO34) 638 759 774 FOR HOLIDAYS /SHORTLETS Mobile Unisex Hairdresser - Local IN DREAMHILLS 2 South facing Call Jacqui on 611 371 658 Air/con & English TV PETER’S PORK PIES 2 Community Pools Peter is a retired gent who lives locally and who makes Competitive Rates the most wonderful pork pies to order. Now these are Free Internet included & vastly superior to those you would buy in a Disabled Friendly supermarket or shop. When last did you find jelly in a For more details pork pie? Peter’s pies are made to his mum’s Melton Contact: Jackie 0034 602457631 Mowbray recipe and you will not eat finer. Or Dave 00441132529884 His large rectangular pie, 10 inch with 500 grams of www.dreamhills2apartment.com/ pork costs just €10. His round tall (4 inch) pie contains 330 grams of pork and costs €6.50. The pastry in both is TO RENT to die for. Treat yourself! 2 Bedroom - 1st Floor Apartment Payment is on pick-up, and you can contact Peter on Short Term Rentals 966 798 517. You will not be disappointed. Mick Sunny Terrace with Sunbeds Air Con, English TV, Meeting the Pope. The Pope is in St. Peter’s Square and waving to the vast crowd who have Communal Pools come for his blessing. The people are all dressed up in their finest Sunday Free WiFi, Shady Pergola clothes, clapping and calling to the pope. License No. VT 473675A Chris has travelled all the way from Manchester and wearing his finest suit Contact Anne in the UK he is hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope. The Pope approaches [email protected] and he's sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an & 07761 85 85 80 exceptionally dirty-looking and smelly tramp dressed in rags. As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then TO RENT walks right past Chris! He can't believe it, then it hits him. The Pope won't talk to him, he's more Dream Hills 1, 1st floor concerned for the unfortunate people: the poor, forgotten and feeble ones. Roof terrace, English TV Thinking fast, he gives the bum €100 to trade clothes with him. He puts on Air Con & Communal pool the bum's stinky clothing and runs around the Square to line up for another Holiday Lets. chance for the Pope to stop and talk to him. Longer lets considered Sure enough, the Pope walks straight up to Chris this time, leans over close and says "I thought I already told you to fuck off!” Favourable rates. PLEASE SUPPORT OUR ADVERTISERS AND Contact Karen / Graham YOUR COMMUNITY WEB SITES. [email protected] You can find archived copies of The Dream Scene Mobile 07967 056420 & much more at http://www.dreamhills.orihuela-costa.eu/

SAMARITANS in SPAIN The Dream Scene is produced on a non-profit basis. Lines open 24 hours a day, Any profit is spent by producing extra copies. every day. You can have a colour copy of the Dream Scene sent to you by email 900 525 100 each month (except January) for just €5 for a year. Locally, black & (016 is the phone line to report white hard copies can be delivered to your postbox for the same domestic violence. It is free and amount, provided your postbox is not difficult or awkward to find. leaves no trace on your phone bill.) Images in this newsletter from El Pais, El Mundo, ABC, Informacion, The Week, Wikipedia, EFE, and other fine media sources. DISCLAIMER: Please note that any information provided is of a general interest & often also of a frivolous nature. You are advised to contact a competant professional for advice specific to your circumstances, in relation to legal, financial, health, medical or any other matters. The Dream Scene, its editor or any of its contributors, do not accept responsibility for any claims by advertisers, purchasers or anybody - and remember the old adage - “ If something looks too good to be true - it generally is!” You must be really bored if you are reading this! The Dream Scene is plagiarized from a multitude of sources which include ABC, El Mundo, La Verdad, Reuters, El Pais, El Confidencial & Playboy (just for the articles ...honest!) etc - however no part of this publication may be used or reproduced without the consent of the editor - so there! Remember, to steal from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research! If you must use some of my stuff, well……….okay! No small children, trees or animals were harmed in the making of this newsletter……although several hundred thousand electrons were mildly inconvenienced. My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I'll ask her again when she wakes up. People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician. The editor, Mick, can be contacted at [email protected] or at 586 Dream Hills. (Or in some Bar!)