My Life Didn’t Turn Out Like Lizzie McGuire’s (And I Want A Refund)

(HOLLY enters. She’s so cute. Very Lizzie Mcguire hair/dress.)

HOLLY - stage left Hi, I’m Holly, and you’re watching .

(In silence, HOLLY does the Disney logo with the magical wand. There’s no sound effects. No music. Nothing. It’s awkward. Cricket sounds. She mutters something about “It’s supposed to…” but trails off. David enters stage left as she does this)

(Beat.)

(HOLLY waits outside of her locker for DAVID. She’s so cute. And so is HE, she finally realizes.)

HOLLY Wow, David, thanks for meeting me here outside of my high school locker. I can’t believe I tripped after my speech at graduation! I’m so lovably goofy!

DAVID Yeah, nobody asked you to make a speech. You’re not valedictorian.. Not even close.

HOLLY So...do you...have anything to say to me?

DAVID No….why?

HOLLY It’s the last day of classes! And we’ve been best friends since middle school. It’s time for you to confess your love for me like Gordo did to Lizzie in the Lizzie Mcguire movie.

DAVID Oh, no. I’m not going to do that.

HOLLY What?

DAVID Yeah. We’re just friends. And I have no clue who Gordon and Lizzo are but I’ll check out their movie, I guess. Uh, have a nice summer Holly. See you...later?

(DAVID exits stage left)

HOLLY DAVID GORDON AND ELIZABETH MCGUIRE ARE THE BEST FRIENDS SLASH LOVE INTERESTS IN THE LIZZIE MCGUIRE MOVIE YOU UNCULTURED MONSTER!

(HOLLY moves center stage and David re-enters stage left with a guitar.)

HOLLY WHEN I WAS YOUNG, I ASPIRED TO BE JUST LIKE THE WOMEN WHO WERE ON DISNEY HANNAH, RAVEN, AND OF COURSE, LIZZIE YES, BRAS AND BOYS, WERE IN STORE FOR ME

BUT AS I GOT OLDER, I CAME TO SEE THE HORRIBLE, CRUEL, CRUSHING REALITY

That

LIFE’S NOT A DISNEY CHANNEL SHOW LIFE’S QUITE FAR FROM A DISNEY CHANNEL SHOW WHO WOULD'VE THUNK, WHO COULD’VE KNOWN LIFE’S NOT A DISNEY CHANNEL SHOW

(PARKER enters stage right, sets up two chairs)

(HOLLY rushes to her younger brother. She is out of breath and cute. They’re in his office.)

PARKER Hey, Holly, thanks so much for meeting with me today on such short notice-

HOLLY Oh WOW! Look at this OFFICE! Who would’ve thought my DORK of a little brother would work HERE!

PARKER I own and operate a small non-profit specializing in after school activities for underprivileged children in Chicago. Please don’t call me a dork.

(HOLLY goes in to give PARKER a nuggie.)

PARKER Nope. Stop this. Holly. What are you doing?

HOLLY What, are you gonna tell mom?

PARKER Of course not. Mom’s got enough on her plate with grandpa in hospice. You’re not 13 anymore, it’s time to grow up.

(PARKER exits stage right, moves chairs. HOLLY moves center stage.)

HOLLY LIFE’S NOT A DISNEY CHANNEL SHOW IT’S NOT LIKE THE SHOWS I WATCHED YEARS AGO WHAT HAPPENED TO MY PIPSQUEAK LITTLE BRO LIFE’S NOT A DISNEY CHANNEL SHOW

(BOSS enters stage left. HOLLY rushes to boss, out of breath and cute.)

HOLLY Aw, jeez, boss. Sorry I’m late! I had the craziest morning-

ANTHONY Yeah, I do not care, you’re never on time, you’re constantly giggling, and you don’t seem to actually know how to be a barista.

HOLLY Hehe, I’ll go grab my cute little apron and-

ANTHONY Nope, you’re fired.

(ANTHONY exits stage left. HOLLY goes center stage)

HOLLY NOT EVEN GOOD ENOUGH TO SERVE A CUP OF JOE LIFE’S NOT A DISNEY CHANNEL SHOW

(DYLAN enters stage right. HOLLY meets with DYLAN. She’s cute. He’s concerned. Looking over his shoulder every once in awhile.)

HOLLY WOW! Mr. P, it’s so cool you still check in on your old students. You meant so much to my 8th grade class. You were always there--

DYLAN Yeah, yeah, yeah, thanks Heather. Can you just give me my weed?

HOLLY (Disappointed.) I….yeah here yah go.

(DYLAN exits stage right.) It’s...it’s Holly by the way.

(HOLLY goes center stage)

LIFE’S NOT A DISNEY CHANNEL SHOW

(IZZY and LILLY gather at a bar stage right. HOLLY rushes in, out of breath and cute.) HOLLY Girls night woo-hoo!

(As LILLY and IZZY talk HOLLY gets more and more overwhelmed.)

LILLY It’s been so hectic planning the wedding, but thanks so much for recommending Crystal to me. She’s been so helpful keeping us on budget.

IZZY Of course! And my realtor has been super-helpful helping us find an affordable place now that we have baby number two on the way.

(HOLLY pauses, wide-eyed at them.)

HOLLY I thought we were just going to eat a ton of junk food and stay up late and paint our nails and stuff.

IZZY Holly, we’re full grown adults.

LILY Is that what you thought women always did in their spare time?

(HOLLY goes center stage)

HOLLY I’M TRYING TO COPE, I’M TRYING TO DEAL BUT IT’S TOUGH LEARNING TV’S NOT REAL

LILY Why are you singing?

HOLLY LIFE ISN’T EVEN STEVEN, IT’S JUST UNFAIR GREG THERE’S NO NAME I CAN THINK OF THAT RHYMES WITH UNFAIR

IZZY Do you think this is High School Musical?

HOLLY DON’T TELL ME CORBIN BLEU WAS LYING TOO

(RAECHEL enters stage right.)

RAECHEL YES CORBIN BLEU WAS LYING TO YOU

(HOLLY and RAECHEL perform an “elaborate dance routine”.)

HOLLY & RAECHEL LIFE’S NOT LIKE THE SHOW WE WATCHED AS TEENS THE ONLY ZAC EFRON IS IN OUR DREAMS DISNEY MADE LIFE LOOK TERRIFIC AND FUN BUT MY LIFE DIDN’T TURN OUT LIKE LIZZIE MCGUIRE’S

(They go back to back like a sitcom promo)

RAECHEL AND I WANT A REFUND

HOLLY This is so not Raven.

(Blackout.)