In This Issue •Hamster •The Pill •Footie •Lots More•

/OLUME 64, ISSUE 11, 5 JUNE 1990 TEL: (09) 366-0413 or (09) 390-789 FAX: (09) 303-2236

IN THIS ISSUE •HAMSTER •THE PILL •FOOTIE

•LOTS MORE • • • Editorial

Hello and it’s wonderful to be back with you again, isn’t it Ronnie? Yes, it is. And in a packed paper for you this week, we’ve got articles, letters, notices, reviews, some nice pickies, more letters, adverts, more letters and not a f—ing gondola in sight. But first the news. And today it has been reported from downtown AU- WANT by Max Cl SAville that Craccum in now under the control of 3 deranged psychopaths who Oral contra have sworn to let anybody and everybody contribute to Craccum in any way, shape ry technology or form they like. This includes articles, letters, photos, jokes, party invites, If women sto money, beer, sex, drugs and rock ’n’ roll YOU ing the contract (but for God’s [who?] sake no house or Do you want a life of fame and adven the mental anc rap). ture? Do you lust for money and want to health of the nat It is strongly rumoured that these same live a life of wild, orgiastic debauchery dramatically imp 3 interim editors are more than willing to and jet-set travel? Begin by contributing Emmanuel van < continue this job for the rest of the year to Craccum, the magazine for the discern in his book The if the student peasants, sorry population, ing Kiwi. By sending us your stuff you Craccum Editors Mark Roach, Peter Gray and Simon Holroyd Con-traceptive so desire. will join an elite club who live life in the play piggy-in-the-middle cuses on the imp Will Auckland university ever be the fast lane. roids and the same? Bollocks it will! But seriously folks, Craccum needs effects o f the p And now for a sketch featuring Mr Si material. If you have any photos, handy cum will print anything so long as it’s not paper to get the ball rolling. book van den mon (Gort) Holroyd as a leprechaun with hints for home decorators or nice recipes libellous or boring, so if you know of any So unless you want Craccum to bebor qualified medic; an enormous ... green hat, Mr Mark send them in to us. We want articles; do scandals etc — we want it. ing, irrelevant and not what you want - tory technologis (Cockroach) Roach as an insect with a you know anything about beer, politics, At the moment we are hoping to or get involved. If you really want to get in- doctors of i huge ... mark (c***) and Mr Peter nightlife, music, blokes, small animals, ganise payments for really good stuff but volved then run for Craccum Editor, concealment b (Piglet) Gray as a farm animal with a M adonna or do you just want to spill the we trust there are enough bods out there Nominations close with AUSA Secret:a, well-grounded fe very long... tail (?). dirt on your flatmates or lecturers? Crac- willing to have a go at putting pen to Friday 9 June. the pill to rest.

Van den Bemd PREZ SEZ - AUSA wife Janice were in Auckland pr Teenaa koutou katoa. Hope everyoi the book, which had a fruitful and restful break ovt tells w om en tb Queen’s Birthday weekend. Second ten about the steroid CONTENTS seems well and truly upon us, that tim pill - steroids v of unpredictable weather, sniffles an says are very clos< Cover Drawing by Albrect D u r e r ...... 1 viruses, mid-year assignments to prepan ed to anabolic ster Editorials and Presidential C o lu m n s ...... 2 — and the beginnings of stirrings in ou which synthesir Interview — Emmanuel van den Bemd ...... 3 collective bosoms, the ‘what the hell an mones 1000 timi World N e w s ...... 4 I doing here?’ complex powerful than n a t Feature — The Alumni Connection...... 5 F ear n o t we are all going through it mones. He says Feature — Communication, Not W itchcraft ...... 6 AUSA has just gone through the uphea essentially toxic a

A U S A N e w s ...... * val of minor alterations which will, J a lot o f physi Hamster A d v e n tu re s ...... 8 hope, make our reception area mon malfunctioning in S p o rts...... *10 bright and user friendly. I hope it hasn bodies as th ey M u s ic ...... * caused too much inconvenience to any. athletes. you who have had reason to visit us ovt T e le v is io n ...... f “I’ve mainly wr the last two weeks. L e t t e r s ...... book because I’v This is that quiet time of the year wlv N o tic e s ...... over the last 30 ye people realise they had better get then the medical indus noses to the grindstone and catch up oi call it, and dru missed lectures and late assignments. Wi m panies haven’t be too are catching up on chores and the ad- CREDITS est. They haver ministrative backlog, so there is not muck f n hon to rreport o n .r t thisfUio week. scientifically Editors: Peter Gray, Mark Roach, Simon Holroyd medically honest, Some time over the next two weeks Features Journalist: Max Chappie [Tel: (09) 390-789 Ext 840] women about the Technical Editor: Tony Bell will be having a baby and worth 7 around for four weeks after that.that If If.,». ya P*n8ers are F Technical Consultants: Independent Media Services [Tel: (09) 524-6162] the steroids th at t have any queries of me please pass them Marketing Manager: Joe Babich [Tel: (09) 390-789 Ext 841 Fax: (09) 303-2236] made o f ,” h on to Richard Cornes, our Administr* Printers: Rodney and Waitemata Times Ltd Craccum. tive Vice President or Roger Pym the Typesetting: Teresa Platt Education Vice President. These able “There are ni Distribution Manager: Martin Gill General Assistance: Plenty of Wendy, Ross, and Lachie. absence* "* ^ 118 ^ 1” ” ®>ifunctions re Special Transport Assistance: Peter and the Firepox with co-pilot Marty On that note I will bid you all well fo. b j “T i^ u n i the coming week. Ka kite anoo eta ^s , absorption m a a - (especially absot Ella Henry relation to minei DISCLAIMER vitamins and enz; Craccum is published by the Auckland University Students' Association Incor absorbed in porated but ATISA have been very nice and sort of indicated that they'll go to body). It not on! prison for us if it's the tech stuff at fault, which we think is very good of them, ATISA presses ovulation really, don't you? By the way, the views expressed in Craccum do not necessar suppresses th e ily represent those of the Auckland University Students' Association, the edi ATISA Prez Dave Rhodes again failed to transmit his column to Craccum for this endricary system .” tors, or anybody, so there! issue. It is believed that after his brief sojourn in England, David left the slow pact of the Costa del Southhampton and hit the high spots in Monaco. Interpol report} He says that rath that he attempted to cash ATISA cheques at the ‘Casino de Sex Royale’ but when merely telling worn; questioned he attempted to escape by stolen jet-ski. The Gendarmarie, accustomed side effects they to such behaviour, and having assidiously noted every trick from every Bond movie may get, the booke CRACCUM DEADLINES yet filmed on the French Mediterranean coast, caught up with David using their sj the damage done cial pursuit jet-ski/submersible. less of the side efl According to a recent story carried by ‘Le M onde’, a complex extradition wrani “There can be has developed between the Principality of Monaco and the French Government. Mean that have no appan effects, but it still d Articles Tuesdays noon while, David wastes away in a Marseilles gaol, bereft of contact with the rest of the world, without his barefoot, pregnant wife and starving kids, and without the latest damage. It’s a biocl that it interfer Letters Wednesdays noon issue o f Craccum. What a pisser! A statement issued by his solicitor has denied rumours that David has signed [numerous pathw a: Notices Wednesdays noon Van den Bemd : play league for Bradford Northern.

2 — Craccum, 5 June 1990 THE PILL: a big con?

by Max Chappie

Oral contraceptives are a con, says Rotorua ex-medical laborato ry technologist Emmanuel van den Bemd in a just-released book.

If women stopped tak contraceptive pills, even awareness about oral con He says it is not a book there. It does seem like an happening to them, ing the contraceptive pill the so-called ‘low dose’ traceptive’s effects. on contraception or what attack on the medical pro w hether it’s laten t o r it’s the mental and physical pill, are powerful steroids people should or shouldn’t fession ... but you see the obvious, they want to health of the nation would and says about 20% to “The information is do. principle is this — that know what’s causing it and dramatically im prove, says 25% of women of child there. It’s in the medical drugs in the first instance what they can do about it. Emmanuel van den Bemd bearing age use them. journals, it’s in scientific “What I’m saying is were produced for the rea If they are not given the Dn Holroyd in his book The Ultimate From this percentage, he books and it’s facts. All look at the whole picture son of healing people,” information by the doc Con-traceptive which fo estimates there are 60,000 I’ve done is compile them and be honest for a He says because the tors well where are they? cuses on the impact of ste to 100,000 women on the in an easily readable change, and then we can steroids are given to heal I t’s n o t fa ir.” roids and the harmful pill in New Zealand. b o o k .” make our decisions from thy, normal people the He says the book may effects of the pill. In the principle and ethics are all scare some women. Hing, book van den Bemd, a w rong. “W hat’s more scary, not iccum to bebor- qualified m edical la b o ra “The principle of medi knowing the truth or h at you want tory technologist, accuses cine is to heal. What knowing the truth? Once y w ant to get it doctors of unethical mm they’re doing is creating a you know the truth, even raccum Editor. concealment by laying whole new pool of disea though it might be \U S A Secretan well-grounded fears about sed women who have to frightening, well then you the pill to rest. come back to the doctor, can be in control, and not only for pill repeats ... women at the moment ar Van den Bemd and his but also for treatment of en’t in control. It’s the wife Janice were recently all the underlying and the medical profession that’s in Auckland promoting obvious side effects. in control.” . Hope everyon the book, which he says “And these women be Van den Bemd says wo tful break ov< tells women the facts lieve that when they are men who have experienced nd. Second ten about the steroids in the treated for the side effects, the devastation of oral on us, that tg pill - steroids which he or change the pill, that contraceptives are drop er, sniffles ag says are very closely relat everything is all right. But ping it, so drug companies nents to prepar ed to anabolic steriods and what it does is suppress it, are targeting young girls f stirrings inou which synthesise hor but the underlying prob and menopausal women. vhat the hello mones 1000 times more lem is still there.” “They are not the party powerful than natural hor Van den Bemd says that that should be contracept- oing through it mones. He says they are when the pill was concei ing, that’s between a man ough the uphea essentially toxic and cause I . ved people thought all and a woman and nothing ; which will, wi a lot o f p h y sio lo g ical their problems were over. to do with the doctors. tion area mon malfunctioning in fem ales’ There would be no more Somehow they got their I hope it hash bodies as they do in unwanted pregnancies and oar into it 30 years ago tnience to anyo athletes. u l t i m a t e no more abortions. and women are caught up i to visit us ovt “In fact the opposite has ’ve mainly written the CON with it and doctors can’t happened, we’ve got 10- book because I’ve found extricate themselves from of the year wha ,000 abortions every year over the last 30 years that the situation.” better get their now and STDs are the medical industry, as I “Women in a lot of and catch up te rrib le .” ways don’t want to hear call it, and drug co m issignments. Wi One of his biggest gripes panies haven’t been hon that it is damaging, and ores and the ad is with the drug companies est. They haven’t been drug companies say here is not much and doctors who encou scientifically honest and ‘there’s nothing wrong rage the use of the pill medically honest, in telling with the pill, it’s as safe as ext two weeks when they know its harm women about the inherent houses.’ And the doctors and won’t b ful effects. dangers that are present in are caught in between.” fter that. If yo “Women are looking the steroids th at the pill is The Ultimate Con-tra 'lease pass them for stuff, they want to made of,” he told ceptive is available Emmanuel and Janice van den Bemd know. If something’s »ur Administra- Craccum. through Moana Press. *oger Pym the nt. These able “There are num erous “Most women don’t e helm in my malfunctions related to know they’re steroids and jver functions, clotting they aren’t told. It appears £ K £ S T ISATH you all well for N systems, im m unity p ro b to be a collusion between CONDOR ^ ^ C ite anoo e hoa lems, absorption problems the drug companies and (especially ab so rp tio n in the doctors that they don’t Ella Henry relation to m inerals and give this information to vitamins and enzym es be w o m en .” - ing absorbed into the body). It not only sup Born in the Netherlands presses ovulation but it in 1938, van den Bemd suppresses the whole emigrated to New Zealand raccum for this endricary system .” in 1951. On completing his t the slow pace Medical Intermediate he nterpol reports He says that rather th an studied medical laborato iyale’ but whei merely telling women what ry technology at Palmer ie” accustom! * effects wi" or ston North Hospital. :ry Bond movie may get, the book explains After working at Whaka using their spc- the damage done regard tane Hospital as a staff less of the side effects. technologist he became a “There can be w om en adition wrangle charge technologist at Te :rnment. Mean- that have no apparent side Kuiti Hospital where he the rest of the effects’ but il sti11 does the w orked fo r 16 years. H e damage. It’s a biochem ical th o u t the latest says that in the last 30 fact that it interferes with years he has seen the da numerous path w ay s.” i has signed to mage done to women on Van den Bemd says all the pill and wants to raise

Craccum, 5 June 1990 — 3 W O R L D N E W S T WAIHEKE TO CATHOLIC CHURCH: by Max Ch; SECEDE SALE OF THE CENTURIES! After exter ni Associatio In an entirely unexpected move the Waiheke Island year. But the District council voted at its meeting last Thursday to In a shock announce Legal experts question “Is the penalty for adul and world religion will be it could becc secede from New Zealand and henceforth would be ment today Labour hard- the validity o f P rebble’s lo tery going to be flogging greatly improved by the known as the The Peoples Democratic Republic of man and Minister in gic and some Church lea or ten Hail Mary’s? And privatisation treatment While mosi Waiheke. charge of SOE’s, Richard ders are also believed to what about the nuns, I which forces the Church Zealanders were ‘M a d - D o g ’ P r e b b le have reservations. The This action has been that all visitors to Waiheke don’t think they’ll really go to face up to market reali beach-during the announced the sale of the outspoken Bishop of Wai scheduled to take place on would be charged $20 en for the idea of wearing ties. Hizbollah are certain holidays a group Catholic Church to a pri uku, the Really Reverend the 9th of July. A spokes try fee to the island and veils. Holy Communion ly an aggressive lean land University vate consortium. When John Ironsand slammed person for the 5 strong that this money would won’t be quite the same organisation and no doubt was pouring over told that the government the decision as irrespon Peoples Representative then be distributed to with orange juice.” m ore takeovers such as lists, electoral roll didn’t actually own the Committee, Mr Bryan Waihekians who wished to sible and poorly thought No doubt Prebble will this are in the., pipeline, ephone directori Church he replied. out. He pointed out that Hyphen-Smythe, 29, said go to Auckland on Friday handle these obstacles with expecially with the sound to track down as “The point is we could several matters of conflict that this date had been nights to pick up some the customery tact and fi commercial sense of Brier they could o f th< own the Church, if we over religious protocol re leys on board. chosen because it was mid more tinnies. He explained nesse with which we have tion’s 41,000 gi wanted to and hence it main to be resolved. way between American In to the media that the come to expect from him Not exactly fun v makes sense to cut out the dependence Day and Council thought it was their e ffo rts « technicalities and fast- France’s Bastille Day and about time some tinpot lit 21,000 a d d re ss track the legislation.” Mr that as Waiheke expected tle country started ripping found a n d Prebble went on to outline to have close links with off the big boys and that information t the increased efficiencies both countries this would as the NZ Government helped lay the foe and cost-savings to be mean that the Public holi were such a bunch of for a m ajor net made by allying the Cat days would be close woosies this would be “No Auckland graduj holics with the Iranian- enough together for every P ro b le m .” funded Muslim funda one to have two weeks off. Most locals agreed. The Alumni When asked what effect “Cor, what a ripper,” said mentalist Hizbollah and tion (from the L this seccession would have Carl Fartagain, 24. But corporate raiders mus meaning Brierleys. on New Zealand a govern Con The-Eyetie said that could be launch “Let’s face it: penances ment official said ‘’Bugger he thought it would only this year. Organi: will go up with plentiful all really.” However, when last “a couple or three the association’s confessions of wife ston the news reached ARC days” but that “doesn’t staff member, th member Fill Rabbithole he matter” as he has dual ing and the killing of officer, will be a said that Auckland’s econ residency in any case and Israeli soldiers; the Church later this year ai would gain an entire army omy would be drastically will be able to spend half she will be bacl of committed fighters to effected as Waiheke had the year in each country committee whi spread the word of God been a disproportionately “anyways” as they were contain w ell-knc and Brierleys will bring in high percentage of the re both “beautiful.” Zealanders in an gion’s rates and the coun It is expected that fur hard-nosed marketing help ‘sell’ A lum n cil would have to spend ther media conferences strategies to convince third-world illiterates that even more money on their would be called in the near Alumni Assc the Church is for them.” weekend outings as they future to announce Wai are nothing ne\ would no longer be able to heke Government policies SCOOP: IT’S MULDOON have worked ove get freebies on travel and on making money, giving Jesus Saves many years and accommodation on Wai it out again, and what is university has 1 heke as they had been for land industries would be FOR MANLY since 1930. O tagc the last 20 years or so. corporatised so that the After months of speculation Manly's supercoach Gra (He can’t be a student) an old associat Waiheke PRC Interna country would feel as ham Lowe has named his latest Kiwi import to his Jesus is not a little man in a girlie coat waving in Waikato form ed i tional Affairs spokesper though it was doing some star-studded Sydney league side. Sir Robert Muldoon cense, claims a spokesperson for a new Christian ni Association la son Mike Moreorless also thing and not just sitting has been confirmed as the mystery man behind all group starting up at ATI. announced at a press on their fat arses wasting the rumours of recent days. Auckland’s assc conference later in the day tax payers money. an ambitious pre Muldoon, known as ever the Nats big man, Mark Vrankovich, one Vrankovich said that in which the univei ‘The Pig’ becuase of his W in s to n ‘R o c k h e a d ’ o f a g roup o f ab o u t 15 be the past people thought of already put aside porkie features and bore- Peters, is going for a big lievers setting up Christi “the rock of Jesus,” but University in fo ish behaviour is expected move, the elusive pear- ans on ATI Campus now m any thought he was and public affair to debut at halfback in the shaped figure’ of The Pig (COATIC) says people “a little m an walking along Bill W illiams s upcoming crunch match can be seen in close sup generally have the wrong in a girlie coat waving university has with glamour side Gold port, ready to take the idea of what Christ stands incense.” about $15,000 a Coast. While some com pain and make that big for and Vrankovich wants the last three or fo mentators doubt Mul- dash for glory. to promote basic Christi “T here’s a lot of concern Williams, who doon’s ability to handle an beliefs on campus. in the C hristian communi Some have said that alumni officer, sa: the rough ’n’ tumble of the ty that people don’t know Muldoon lacks a sense of He says COATIC, lin ni members will h big matches, I personally what we’re on about. believe he has what it takes fair play, isn’t a team play ked to the Tertiary Stu | ious financial an er and that it is highly benefits w hen th to make it in the toughest dents Christian Fellowship “W e w ant to approach league competition outside unlikely that he will find a and informally to Auck people and talk to them But he says the b the university wil of the All Iceland Cham jersey capable of covering land University Evangeli about what really counts, pionships. One only has to his highly developed abdo cal Union, will concentrate that’s the person Jesus i nificant as well. look at his form: he single minal muscles and while on evangelism and ap Christ and what he said “There has not handedly destroyed the this is probably true who proach people at ATI for an d th e gospel messages : now been any fo Labour Party in ’75; can really blame him for one-to-one talks. It will were; and try to get them I ganisation and 11 Rowling in ’78 and the going. Muldoon no longer also hold night time meet to come to a decision.” university has mi economy by ’84. has any realistic choice of ings at members’ homes | because of it,” h e ! Colin Moyle, Derek making the All Blacks or for Bible study and Vrankovich says the cording to Willir Quigley and Jack Marshall Cabinet and while a grace pray er. university has for too long university has n can testify to his powerful ful retirement would no been the centre of student “For a long time at ATI able to call on it attacking skills; without doubt be deserved by the there has not been any life and hopes COATIC’s body of graduate doubt he is one of the old warrior, it is hard to activities will spice up tech Christian fellowship in times o f uphe most offensive players in imagine him being content group. People said that it life. He says COATIC is the recent debate the world today. with a life of inactivity. planning appearances by couldn’t be done due to Hawke report oi Sir Robert Muldoon with the financial While it can be said that Here at Craccum we wish well known bands near the tech’s strange timetables. tion and the Lear Muldoon has lost some of him well in his new career end of term. inducement which convinced him to However, it has happened | Life Reform s. 1 his strength and is definite and look forward to seeing and we would like all tech Mark Vrankovich is said the potential switch to league. ly not the force he used to his battling play in a game students to know,” he available for information ing that support be, his game has develo at which he is sure to ex says. and philosophical debates ways been there ped in other ways. When- cel. on 654-952. needed m obilisin 4 — Craccum, 5 June 1990 The Alumni Alliance by Max Chappie After extensive groundwork, Auckland University's planned Alum ni Association for graduates could be formally launched later this year. But the group is shaping up to be more than just a club — ;ligion will be it could become a powerful political tool. roved by the n treatment While most New This political use for the by what has happened s the Church Zealanders w ere a t the graduate body has already with overseas alumni as m arket reali- beach-during the summer been demonstrated. Dur sociations only a percen ih are certain- holidays a group o f A u ck ing capping week, just se tage would join. He said if ressive lean land University students ven days after it was 25 percent of graduates and no doubt was pouring over stacks of suggested at the Auckland joined the association it vers such as lists, electoral rolls and tel University council, 15,000 would be doing well. the-, pipeline, ephone directories trying students were mailed a let ith the sound to track down as many as ter voicing the University’s “While we will be look sense of Brier- they could of the institu concerns about the contro ing to bring in graduates •d. tion’s 41,000 graduates. versial Education Amen from other eras into the Not exactly fun work, but dment Act. In the letter, association I think the their e ffo rts a n d - th e similar to one handed to most fertile growth or teri- 21,000 addresses they this year’s graduates be tory will be the graduates found a n d p o s te d fore ceremonies at the that are coming through,” information to have Aotea centre, University he says. helped lay the foundations Chancellor Judge Michael for a major network of Brown said the bill would: A University working Auckland graduates. party which was put • Gravely damage the together last year to The Alumni Associa country’s universities, formulate an alumni tion (from the Latin alu- their international reputa scheme proposal said fu mus meaning former) tion and the reputations of ture graduates must be could be launched later their graduates. “infused with the universi this year. Organisers hope ty spirit” even before they the association’s full time • threaten academic free begin their studies. It said staff member, the alumni dom and institutional this could be done by: officer, will be appointed autonomy and contained later this year and he or do many ways of interven • Giving Liaison officers she will be backed by a tion from outside that on the university’s wider committee which may neither academic freedom purpose to distribute to contain w ell-know n New nor institutional autono school students. Bill W illiam s Photo: Wendy Newton Zealanders in an effo rt to my would be easy to • Running the fresher’s help ‘sell’ A lum ni. m ain tain . welcome (which started last year) as an alumni • Offer a definition of a Alumni Associations event. university that did not do are nothing new. They • Instilling in students an justice to its character nor have worked overseas for appreciation of the univer the depth and breadth of many years and Massey sity’s many dimensions. AKRWftSG soon its teaching and research. university has h ad one • Stimulating more con nt) since 1930. O tago also has • together with the State tact between students and an old association and Sector Administration (No senior administrators adn M T H E \t waving in- Waikato formed its Alum 2) Act, make managing a encouraging staff and stu ?w Christian ni Association last year. university almost dents to support Uni impossible. versity sports teams and Auckland’s assocation is cultural events. an ambitious project for • Give the National Edu • Helping faculty and de cation Qualifications partment based alumni h said that in which the universtiy has UlVtKSTY Authority wide powers to bodies hold functions. le thought of already put aside money. validate qualifications. • Urge all new graduates Jesus,” but University in fo rm a tio n to jo in . ought he was and public affairs officer talking along Bill Williams says the Williams says the letter, The working party said coat waving university has reserved which urged graduates to about $15,000 a year for let politicians know of few graduates would be the last three o r four years. their opposition to the bill likely to join the associa before the May 2 submis tion out of a sense of loy ot o f concern Williams, who is acting sion deadline, was written alty. They needed positive an communi- alumni officer, says Alum in an emergency situation incentive. e d o n ’t know ni members will have var but showed the use of hav n about. ious financial and social ing a comprehensive ad It said financial conces benefits w hen they jo in . dress list. sions on insurance, access to approach to university facilities, alk to them But he says the benefit to the university will be sig “That could not have travel and accommodation eally counts, discounts and reduced fees 'erson Jesus nificant as well. been happened in the past. for special courses should vhat he said I think the important thing “There has not up until is not so much what was all be investigated along Del messages B O O K .SH O P now been any formal or said, although that was with privileges for holders r to get them ganisation and I th in k the important, but it showed of credit cards, discounts decision.” university has m issed o u t that this was what we on car rental and the because of it,” he says. Ac chance to buy memora- ;h says the would do in terms of in cording to Williams, the forming our graduates, billia. s for too long university has n o t been getting them behind us.” :re o f student able to call on its strong When graduates were cs COATIC’s body of graduate support He says having the as sent information about spice up tech in times o f upheaval like sociation will enable the alumni 10 percent were COATIC is the recent debate over the university to react quickly polled on what the associ oearances by Hawke report on educa to events and gain ation’s activities should be. ands near the tion and the Learning for su p p o rt. That information has not Life Reforms. Williams been processed yet but ankovich is said the potential for gain Graduates will be Williams says it will help information ing that support has al encouraged to become in deciding a final pro hical debates ways been there — it just members for a fee and gramme for the asso needed m obilising. Williams says that judging ciation.

Craccum, 5 June 1990 — 5 □ Communication — not Witchcraft

by Max Chappie

It's no longer enough to know facts, says ATI communication studies head John Blakey. Blakey, who is behind the planned na tional communications course which will be a New Zealand first, ...... HAVINCr says tomorrow's successful people will be our communicators. NATP/COLATE£> -Ji A 5SE 8 TAINEO /A / /NCONS/QOEA/T/Ac. ...££ • - S TANO/NG ... volumes of print — is re paying by instalm er placed by a keyboard-tot is the exciting inst ing trouble shooter. He or (pun intended) for she will be trained as a problem solver and know The cunning pla: some processes, but the pay by non-standar volumes will be on hard ques. Pretty groov disk. huh! Students fror coin University die “The important people they paid with cl o f th e fu tu re are going to written on artificial be people who can walk So the plan is to s across a variety o f profes copy Lincoln. The b sions, w ho know how to the second instalm er problem solve, how to use been sent out. technology, how to get on with people, They’re going We need as ma to be m anaging, they’re you as are willing t going to be the successful the ‘arm and a le p e o p le .” maybe the shirt o f

6 — Craccum, 5 June 1990 AUSA NEWS AUSA NEWS AUSA NEWS AUSA NEWS GOFF MEDICINE AUSA has sent Phil Goff a bitter pill in a crystal vase. The 1132-signature peti Roger Pym said the bill cation Review Office and tion was sent to Goff last was another excuse for the Naitonal Education week in a crystal vase, centralising the control of Qualifications Authority which AUSA president education into the hands power of entry. Ella Henry said symbo of the bureaucrats. A statement from lised the fragility of the “The Government talks Goffs office, dated May New Zealand education about academic freedom 2, said the sections would system . and accountability — yet be deleted because other destroys these things in sanctions existed for the “G offs got to present it such measures as the Edu observance of equity and to parliament,” said Hen cation Bill,” he said. academic standards. ry before the $31 Briscoes “These sanctions would cylinder was freighted off The petition opposes the be used if either ERO or to the Beehive. “That’ll “erosion” of academic NEQA were impeded in piss him right off.” freedom implicit in the bill. carrying out their func tions in a reasonable way. The vase was paid for However, Goff has al It is not anticipated that out of the Education Ac ready proposed to axe the this need will arise in the tion Group budget. clauses in the bill which normal course of events,” AUSA vice president would have given the Edu the office said. THE BLIND LEADING THE BLIND

This year Craccum has gone out of its way to bring you stories on the issues that matter — human rights, justice, sexually trans mitted diseases and wheel barrow purchasing. In this fine tradition your newspaper is about to step in front of Cupid's firing range to reveal all about TVNZ's romance game show Blind Date. icatons has A Craccum staffer, dis Zealand men and women Craccum’s report will :ey to success guised as an ordinary mor to stand up in front of half follow the show’s visit to Drmation in- tal, is to appear on the the country while wearing the Auckland University ng over from show soon in an effort to make up and facing ques — Dave Jamieson and the on industry, discover what has prompt tions which beg the answer gang will be in the quad on to working in ed hundreds of New “whipped cream.” June 7 to hold auditions. >ility to com- id we’re talk- nmunication acitivity - , visual, inter- & & s writing as a 4 nmunication ih but speech 3gy will be- singly signi- EDUCATION UPDATE icraft know that Education Vice President f information Elsewhere in this gor back’ campaign. We are really think of their pathe out of the geous rag you will have attempting to find some tic education policies or died psychol- read about the petition to old mannequins (I have rather the absence of any s us the way ft 0 Goff in a crystal vase. It is been talked o u t o f going to real policy. e and the way pleasing th at over 1,100 the morgue) if not we will / Iv ^ 3 certain be- people signed it given that use cardboard cut-outs or Yes, there will be a d we know it was end of term and hol T -shirts. march down Queen Street give people idays when it was circula and lots of other things to J & ^ be better as ted. So what’s next .... At the appointed time do and be involved in ... nmunicators. It costs an arm and a leg we will load a wheelbar which leads to the main lc ra ft.” .. maybe the shirt/blouse row and proceed to the point of this article. off your b lood y b a c k ... Registry en masse. s a futuristic today’s law- So what has happened Do you want to be part Education Action Group ose training •to the fees boycott cam of a meaningful and fun This is the body that has X ‘s on learning paign? For those of you protest — Lincoln got the task to plan, plot and rint - is re- Y /ry ftOOV paying by instalments here twenty to do it surely carry out education activi eyboard-tot- is the exciting instalment Auckland can do that or ties, protests etc. iooter. He or (pun intended) for you! better. Please come and trained as a see me or leave a message We urgently need your er and know The cunning plan is to at AUSA reception that AUKUAL input so we can plan 5es, but the pay by non-standard che you want to be in that be on hard ques. Pretty groovy idea among other things Natio number when the limbs nal Week of Action, spray huh! Students from Lin (and shirts) go marching coln University did it — painting, chalking etc, etc, rtan t people in! they paid with cheques etc. are going to ASALE written on artificial limbs. ho can walk The group meets on So the plan is to sort of National Week of Action :ty o f profes- Tuesdays at 1pm in Room copy Lincoln. The bills for 16-23 July 1990 now how to 138 (behind the TV room). m n - THURSDAY 14-m JUNE the second instalm ent have Students’ Associations e, how to use Come along and be as been sent out. from around the country low to get on will be mobilising for this subversive as you like ... it A T 2 LORNE ST, C ITY They’re going We need as many of mindblowing event. When can be fun! See you there. png, they’re you as are willing to join we in a caring and sharing Roger Pym AND * PRINCES SC UNIVERSITY ie successful the ‘arm and a leg and way show Goff and his Education Vice President maybe the shirt off your band of idiots what we

Craccum, 5 June 1990 — 7 VNfORTU/JATtL y f r it APT/ST #r„, /Jō MATT OP ROW HARD H( AL&6AD1 iVAs - ANA SPILT TPltJ/ HO PAST COULO'VT /Afk , A1CHT IN wee's PATH. eeī past.

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Craccum, 5 June 1990 — 9 NOT TIGHT HEAD TIM WOMENSPACE

tells it like it is Oh no! Ridge and Gallagher go PRO!!

It was interesting to took one look at the slimy sport for the love of it and M att Ridge and Johnny have enough to clean go to the gym or even better, read last week’s club green jerseys and puked get paid then that’s a bo Gallagher have sold their next door and meet the learn some twitching exer roundup by that revered up - Tighthead Tim says nus (the word ‘love’ is only skills and bodies for cold blokes there and do theirs. cises which you can per fellow from the other side to be used in moderation hard cash, depriving thou It’s great fun and you form anywhere. of the scrum, Loosehead a bloke can’t play footy on i.e. when talking about sands of women of their might meet a big hunky rugby player. Len. He got well and truly an empty puku. The only footy). Now that Gal weekly viewing pleasure. 5. Cooking: A few hours stuck into the ‘Glamour other surprise of the day lagher, Ridge and possibly The way Matt runs onto slaving over a hot stove Boys’ and how they don’t was Marist against East Botica have gone what will the ball, finds the gap and 2. Dressing Up: Bored does wonders for every like getting their jerseys Tamaki. I bet the boys the mighty “Blacks” do for scores in the corner, the with those stodgy old wom an’s self esteem. And dirty. I was there and they from Marist were thinking a fullback? timing and penetrating at clothes? Beg for an ad forget about the bean- took to the men from it was a Sunday when Paul W hat about pulling that tacks by John; no more vance on your allowance sprouts and tofu - cook ‘Oats’ and gave them a fair Doubleday dropped a goal master of the high ball, will this be available to from your hubby and up a good roast for your fight. to win it. (Rumour has it that muscular monstrosi their myriad of adoring head off to town. Get man. There’s nothing like that their banished prop ty, Allan Hewson, from fans. Watching a pack of something really slinky offering your mate a real was seen outside church out of retirement? eight sweating forwards and revealing — you’ll feel healthy feed. The Doyens of Intellec on Sunday morning). Many fanatical footy scrum down appeals to much better and hubby tual Footy, Varsity, got a supporters would not some women, others pre will love you for it. hiding from Pakuranga. I What do you know? agree with me but there’s fer a good rucking but for 6. Make Up: Who cares don’t know what the Another All Black has some food for thought. me, the quick hands and about a few whales or the problem was, but if you gone to play league. I Chow for now. speed of backplay never 3. Cosmetic Surgery: Get bunnies in th e test labs - ask me the Varsity blokes reckon that if you can play T.T. fails to excite. Which is rid of a few wrinkles or lift go fo r th e to tal makeover. why I, like so many NZ up a few wobbly bits — H ubby will think he’s get women, am experiencing you’ll look and feel much ting more than one wom severe depression. Luckily younger; Maybe go the an and you’ll increase your however, Mrs Soup from whole way and get those personal happiness no the supermarket has a few last two neurons un end. And don’t forget the handy hints to cheer up us coupled. accessories — a real fur WORRIED ABOUT DENTISTRY? dejected little moppets. coat is a must this season. 4. Exercise: Strong pelvic NEED A DENTIST? muscles and well toned After hearing all this 1 WE CAN HELP 1. Dishes: It is a known thighs are essential for really perked up. Mrs S, Ask for special student rate! scientific fact that doing child bearing as well as really knows her onions! the dishes clears the mind keeping hubby warm on So get out there girls and and leaves one with a these cold winter nights. be h ap p y — th ere’s lots of warm earthy feeling of Grab your rubber wet- hunky guys out there and well being. If you don’t look leotard and head off dishes to clean. T.A. Kool BDS 39 1-96 3 EASTER TOURNEY RECOMMENDATIONS TENTH FLOOR SOUTHERN CROSS BUILDING Oust across from the car park) Recommendation 5.2 The following are the recommendations That Student Association team managers and/or Sports VICTORIA STREET Officers be responsible for ensuring no alcohol is con under consideration by the New Zealand sumed on bus or train transport to and from tournament. CITY Universities Sports Union (NZUSU).

EXECUTIVE SUMMARY Recommendation 5.3 v T h a t team m em bers causing tro u b le o n tournament transport be removed by team mangers from the tour Present this coupon at your next visit Recommendation 4.1 nament at any time, and forfeit any monies paid. That for a two year trial period NZUSU not permit the entry of ‘B’ teams in the Easter Tournament competition.

Recommendation 5.4 Recommendation 4.2 That NZUSU provide training seminars for te; That Sports Officers and team managers screen teams managers and prepare resources to assist these peo; before departure for tournament to ensure that teams with their job. are only entered with the support and authority of the university club, or with the express approval of the Stu Recommendation 6.1 dent Association Executive Committee. That Student Asssociations actively discourage n: competing supporters (excluding students from the h( campus) from attending tournament. Recommendation 4.3 That where teams register for the tournament competi tion but fail to participate for reasons other than inju Recommendation 8.3 ry, the university club be disciplined by the relevant That current regulations relating to team entries, team Student Association upon receipt of an official complaint lists and eligibility be strictly enforced by Sports from the host campus. Officers/team managers.

Recommendation 4.4 Recommendation 8.4 That NZUSU investigate holding the Easter tournament That tournament organisers issue tournament identifi rowing competition as a separate tournament. cation cards to all tournament competitors and that stu dent association ID’s be required for registering as a competitor. Recommendation 5.1 That Student Associations appoint team managers on all arranged transport. That these people are given all Recommendation 8.5 necessary authority to act as Association team managers That the measures in this report be adopted for a two during tournament. year trial period and a full review of their effectiveness be conducted following the 1992 Easter Tournament

10 — Craccum, 5 June 1990 M O N D A Y 1 1th J U N E REPARE YOURSELF FOR THE NEWEST INNOVATIONS IN HAIR ACCESSORIES A T THE r even better, MITA IN-STORE vitching exer- I woke up in the arm stooped to low levels to rate sport was certainly you can per- chair facing Inspector win though. Young Kenny reminiscent of a whinging DEMONSTRATION. ere. Gadget on the TV and suf Rutherford copped a nasty P o m . fering from a bloody sore blow to the eye from a I reckon I could teach You'll discover the A few hours neck. I was pissed off. I’d member of the imported him a thing or two about versatility and a hot stove stayed up most of the bowling attack, and they coaching a footie team. As the ability to night to watch the one day rs for every even tried to take out King well I’d imagine that a few easily create ' esteem. And cricket and then fallen Richard. With that, and all people in the Leeds hiera- it the bean- asleep an hour from the the wides that were al chy would be worried a new or way-out to fu - cook end. lowed, me and the old about spending all that hair-style with Dast for your man were almost spewing bread on signing young the latest razor blades. Anyhow, i nothing like And to make matters Johnny Gallagher. It cer Mita Fashion r m ate a real worse the bloody Poms stiffshit. The boys look in tainly was rumoured to be had beaten us. Well the pretty good touch, and the rather expensive. And as hair accessories. United Nations really, as test series should be a Sarah of Whitaker PI al they sported four W est In rip p er. ways says ‘Tt ’s not as i: W ho cares dians and two South A fri much fun when you have whales or the cans. By Jingoes, I d o n ’t to pay for it.” ie test labs - reckon that’s really crick tal makeover, et myself. B ut even all the There have been rumb hink he’s get- immigrants and aliens lings lately in the Rugby an one worn- couldn’t stop big Mark and Rugby League circles. o o u e i i v u u i d i i ivt ana can in increase your Greatbach fro m racking T hree o f G odszone’s finest Well, there ya go. Next appiness no up another ton. The Big have been lured by the Big week I’ll be talking at ya f r o m 10a m o n w a r d s n’t forget the Fella is certainly in fine Boys with the Big Bucks about the State of Origin - a real fur touch on this tour to date across to league. And match, and I’ll have a look and watch what can be created. t this season. and he’s cutting a more good luck to ’em I say. at me ancestors’ team as blokish image as well. I’d And while I’m down on they tour the land with ing all this 1 imagine M essrs W right the Poms, the Auckland their kilts and thistles. 1 up. Mrs S, and Cunis would be hap Rugby coach Maurice And ho, ho, ho, I’ll be i her onions! pier than a maggot in a Trapp, made a bloody keeping tabs on the crick M m Located at iere girls and dead cat about his current wanker of himself with his eters as well. And just re HAR ACCESSORES East Wing Old Arts Building :here’s lots of form. comments about young member, this was not just Auckland University )ut there and Those m en fro m the Matt’s switch. His label one man’s view. It was the an. land of Flat Beer really ling of league as a second view of the Super C oach. Sszsss> Ph: 771-991 AUCKLAND LTD.

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NEW ZEALAND DAIRY INDUSTRY raccum, 5 June 1990 — n POI DOG PONDERING and a near fatal road ac wonderful — which is pro wanted more. N.fl CBS cident. bably the most accurate deservedly, have a str description, in my mind, follow ing. Poi Dog Pondering be All this turmoil has re of this album. long to an ever increasing sulted in some wonderful Next up, J.P.S.Epl genre of music, the ensem songs by Mark E Smith “Extricate” is a classic some songs off their e* ble. The credits of musi and the departure of his Fall album, but it’s much lent new album “Size cians and instruments wife and fellow band more than that. The al F o o d ,” an d also an performing on this record member, Brix, has bum demonstrates that mix of old and new matt He earns mo would if layed down, end brought about the return The Fall are a creative rial. They seemed over- pie say he onh on end, stretch right across of Martin Brammah and force to be reckoned with. w helm ed in this venue and over the D u n e the good ole US of A. with him a cleaner guitar Cath Townsend the crow d were little mort They’d have to as well with so u n d . than passing time. Off j faround: ju s t di members from Texas, J.S.P.E and it’s a mag* the nearest tre True to their anything N.R.A/J.P.S.E/ New York, New Mexico, trip to the bar - they1» official T V W T but tunnel vision style Louisiana, Hawaii ... a SUGARCUBES run out of beer! Just teeth (they wrote and performed Auckland Town Hall 22 “Poi Dog” is a mutt in ing problems of a potej H aw aii. in a ballet ‘I am Curious May 1990 tially great venue? Lefi Orange’ last year with the hope so. Not much else to ^ y°u ^ ar a^c So various musicians prestigious and talented The Sugarcubes played do b u t jo in the throngot Genevieve W the housewarming party travelling around the Michael Clarke dancers), the dancefloor and wait. jent Paul H o lr states mingled together The Fall have incorporat of the year to introduce postcard? and Poi Dog grew in a ed a number of classical the Town Hall back to the The Sugarcubes stora _ On the front sense out of the road. Ma instruments in their songs. Auckland venue scene. on in a cloud of dry iq satellite picture o f jor record companies be In ‘Chicago Now’ the And who better to break and the crowd make ah dreEarth. On the b came interested in PDP at Oboe is used, giving it a the ice than a band from of noise, but they stil wrote: “Wish yoi the New Music Seminar in haunted air and in the end Iceland and two top bands d o n ’t m ove. The Sugar- here.” New York a couple of portraying the distant from New Zealand. cubes a re n ’t perturbed, years ago and this record Did you know P ai is a result of that. mes once made psychiatrists term Their sound is a gather leaned suicide a tt ing of different influences - He tried to sk and their busked feel [wrists with a tom a comes through well on re cord. Cruise and Fun seem Vhy was the y< to be the priorities, but, »aul Holmes acci like The Front Lawn, they rug abuse? also manage to incorpoT - Because he used rate some astute lyrics. ito chemist sho] ___ _ InfM llfr o t Vx/"1 The tone is quite folky, but the rocking “Wood Guitar” is the exception. Did you hear abc “Pulling Touch” is layered time Paul H olm es melody which for some his nephew’s row( stange reason reminds me party? of New Order.There’s a bit - “If anyone’s pi of a throwaway in ‘’Aloha on drinking and Honolulu” which you •they’d better com e would expect to hear amb me first!” he dem ar ling away in the Waikiki sponsibly as he bars for years to come. through the d o o r PDP could well be the cause I’m organism American answer to later.” France’s “Les Aegresses Vertes” who are current An Englishman, a live faves in Europe. A man and Paul 1 pleasant enough record, probably falls into the heavier than the average feather category. Richard Gourley

THE FALL Extricate (Polygram)

“Extricate” is a wonder sound of car horns. In The huge Town Hall th ey ’re going to have fin ful mixture of humour, ‘Sing Harpy’ scratchy fid stage and dancefloor com regardless. cynicism and diversity. dles open, followed by a bined with the mezzanine The Fall have undergone a powerful baseline and spectator floor provided Their on-stage rap rebirth. The band have hypnotic guitars. ‘I’m all the ingredients for a to black theatre and tl changed record label, ma Frank’ has had a lot of air great night. Unfortunate mockery is high - nagement and have em play on BFM and deser ly on this night viewers unaccompanied solo ployed the talents of vedly so. It’s a tribute to preferred to hog the front ‘Skippy the Bush Kan producers such as the Frank Zappa and must of the stage and staunchly g a ro o ? ’ H ere’s a song we Coldcut team, who contri hold the record for the defend their territory learnt in Australia, they bute a good deal to the number of times ‘Baby’ is against those who would will all sing it. mystic ‘Telephone Thing,’ said in a Fall song. rather have done what the dub master Adrian Sher dancefloor is there for — B jork dressed in red is it wood, on the energetic “Bill is Dead” is unusual dance. complete contrast as ‘Little Rebel’ and Craig for the Fall, in that it’s, explores the stage. “Deli, Leon (of Blondie fame) on well, SOFT. Mark E The doors didn’t open cious Demon,” “Sick ft most of the other tracks. Smiths vocal style is at its until after 8 so the support Toys” and especially “Bh most laid back on this bands were playing to a Eyed P op” blistered an<(| less than full house. In addition to these track and the whole thing “R egina” the single fro®’ changes, Mark E Smith, just flows. Luvley. First on N.R.A battled the second album also the driving force behind a poor mix and possibly shone. I really don’t know In ‘Hilary’ and ‘The The Fall, and the author slight nervousness (they what the Sugarcubes sii Littlest Rebel’ Smith once of their distinctive lyrical embarked on a National about but they do it bet( again mocks the middle and vocal style, has under Tour at 10 o’clock the th a n m ost. class and sums up England gone many changes in his following morning) to get 7 ■ I as it was in 1989. Great concert, gre own life. 1989 was a year the show started. Their set venue, the audience nec of personal upheaval, with was just starting to crank a bit of a tweek though. the break up of his marri ‘Black Monk Theme’ when their time was up Richard Gourley age, the. death of his father can only be described as although the audience more. N.Rjj y, have a stra

3, J.P.S.Epli TELEVISION WITH TRAVIS BRICKLE gs off their exi album “Size nd also an eqiuj d and new mate- He earns more money than most Third World dictators. Some peo r y seemed over ple say he only uses one side of his brain. After his recent outburst in this venue and over the Dunedin riot many students say we should stop messing l were little more ing time. Offgg around: just drag him out into Albert Park and let him dangle from md it’s a magic the nearest tree. Yes, I'm talking about Paul Holmes and this is the e bar - theyN* official TVWTB Paul Holmes joke column. 'beer! Just teeth- ems of a poten-j at venue? , the old black man/pretty stand at the edge of a cliff 'lot much else Did you hear about the secretary/hitman etc ... oh just kidding Paul, I in the throng ie Genevieve Westcott whose body he has tempo i s . wouldn’t really spend a floor and wait. nt Paul Holmes a rarily inhabited. tcard? whole column taking the With this being an igarcubes stoi On the front was a Michael out of your excel American production, it loud of dry itellite picture of the en- lent current affairs show comes as no surprise that •owd make a Earth. On the back she — besides of which I can’t the only way Sam can es but they si ote: “Wish you were think of any original Hol cape again through time is ve. The Su: e.” mes jokes. to quickly adjust to each sn’t perturbed, In any case I have more new character and utilise Did you know Paul Hol important televisual mat his knowledge of the fu mes once made what ters to discuss. ture to do a good deed (aw psychiatrists term a ‘half Quantum Leap is a new shucks). hearted suicide attempt.’ sci-fi series just beginning In the pilot episode our _ He tried to slash his on Wednesdays on Two. hero dug himself into a bit wrists with a tomato. If the pilot episode is any of a hole back in 1956, thing to go by then it having to test fly a jet in Why was the youthful might be worth a look, order to save the life of the Paul Holmes accused of incorporating as it does airforce captain whose drug abuse? some quite watchable ele persona he had assumed. - Because he used to run ments of B movie chic and At this point we were into chemist shops and inadvertently silly plots. introduced to the abilities scream insults at bottles of The premise is that Sam of Sam’s holgraphic side paracetamol. Beckett, a brilliant quan tum physicist living in the kick Albert (Married to you hear about the year 1995, accidently be the Mob's Dean Stock time Paul Holmes went to comes trapped inside his well), who was able to tell his nephew’s rowdy 21st own time experiment. him how to fly. Albert is M: party? Each time he flits random a good special effect, but Quantum leaper Sam Beckett (Scott Bakula) _ “If anyone’s planning ly through time to a differ a lazy plot device: on drinking and driving ent period of history — whenever Sam gets into nose looks like an elongat young at heart and the the 100 million dollar they’d better come and see within his own lifetime — such tricky situations he ed Michael Dukakis — mildly drunk. state TV headquarters as a me first!” he demanded re he also inhabits the body can always travel back and has an equally medi I read with bemusement triumph of urban architec sponsibly as he burst of someone from that era. from 1995 and tell him ocre screen presence. But that TVNZ’s New Brutal- ture, “its skin hard and de through the door, “ be Although with each what button to press. hey, William Shatner ist style bunker in Victoria liberate, its authority and cause I’m organising a race change he still looks the Hardly the stuff of grip could never act and he Street has actually won an presence unquestioned.” later.” same to himself and us ping suspense. headlined the cast of the award. It has come from Go figure. viewers (unless he looks in Sam is played by Scott greatest sci-fi show ever. the New Zealand Institute An Englishman, an Irish the mirror), to those Bakula, who with his A programme for the of Architects who describe man and Paul Holmes around him he looks like bushy eyebrows and big

Fun, Travel, Adventure, Romance... All this, as well as exciting prizes can ng to have fun be yours if you n-stage rapp heatre and th is high an anied solo ofl AUDITION he Bush Kan- ere’s a song' Australia, they] FOR ig it.

;sed in red is i contrast as BLIND DATE ie stage, ion,” “Sick 1 especially “Bln June 7 in the blistered i .4' ;he single fro d album ally don’t kno University Quad iugarcubes sin they do it betl from 1fam concert, gre audience ne Contestants should be single tweek though, and 18 or over ichard Gourley I A Paul Holmes sympathiser (left) is confronted by an angry student.

Craccum, 5 June 1990 — 13 TO THE EDITOR EDUCATION A! GROUP Craccum welcomes letters to the editor from readers, on subjects of concern. These may be sent to us, or delivered Every Tuesday at 1p (as indicated). Letters should preferably be typed (or written 138 (Behind TV Roon neatly) on one side of the paper only. Short letters are DELIVER TO POST TO FAX TO ties to plan this Term preferred over long ones. All letters must include name, Craccum, 3rd Floor, Craccum, Craccum, National Week of Aci address and telephone numbers of the writer, even if a non- Student Union Building, Auckland University Students Association, Auckland University 16-23), stunts, poste de-plume is used. Obscene language may be deleted at the Auckland University. Private Bag, Students Assoc Inc, jugs, education editors' discretion, provided this does not appreciably alter o r ATISA Office, ATI. Auckland. (09) 303-2236. speeches, rallies, man the intended meaning of the letter. ties etc etc etc. Plea along and participate HE'S BACK AND MALICIOUS GOSSIP YUPPIE SWINE as I never bother getting out of PAGAN'S PIGGY and then some bright spark befunaqd we despere your input. HE'S BAD Dear Craccum Dear Craccum my chair from the time I arrive PARADISE decided we should go through to the time I leave I thought that bloody time wasting crap See you there Tuesd Who are these people that These letters attacking yup Dear Editors maybe you could tell her it's Ok Fellow Sisters! of finding out how much it R< write long... boring... letters to pies are an affront to our civil I was most distressed to find for her to come over and chat Join us in a ritual memorial would cost to fill in the hole» Education \ Craccum about numerous liberties. We yuppies have that Steve Amanono and Sarah me up as I'm between relation gathering - midnight, next full the middle of the building PS. For further info { exceedingly boring topics rights too. Murray IV have chucked in the ships at the moment. moon, at Piglet's burial site. create more floorspace. not hesitate to contc that... nobody... bothers to If we want to drive red towel as Craccum Editors. Not Normally of course I'd get Rheineck and Bacon Quiche Are these people exception AUSA. read ... God... Christians... BMWs with cellphones and per a very Blokish thing to do Sam will be sold at the graveside. ally stupid or what? We've should have... fed them to the sonalised plates, that's our bus one of my minions to try and my. Anyhow, I was pleased to talk to her, but they can barely Please bring your own flowers. been through this shit heaps of lions... freethinkers... too good iness. It is our right to pay see that Gort, Cockroach and be trusted to get me the right Chairperson Lesbian Witches times before and everyth for them... God... Christians... hundreds of dollars to buy a adult t w in s Piglet have got the job in the in drink so that'd probably be a Poetry Club they came to the same conclu God... freethinkers... shirt that no bloke would pay terim. And speaking of Piglet, PS. All poetic lesbian witches sion: it costs too much bloody CONVENTION feminists... blokespace... ten cents for. mistake. You know how it is? it's great news. Many vertibrae welcome. money! And because some womenspace... tampons... It is our right to drink Rhei- I'm sure she's just dying to New Zealand's first c deficient, scum-sucking off useless cretins have managed of adult multiple birth chauvanists... NZ FLag... Union neck, eat healthy vegetarian meet me so you'd be doing I'M SORRY spring of motherless, unwed to lose megabucks of the Asso Jack... Christians... both of us a favour and I know Messrs Piglet, Gort and in Wellington thi camels were actually celebrat food and wear boatshoes. you're the kind of guys who are Cockroach ciation's (ie. yours and mine> Weekend (October ing when they thought he was freethinkers... chauvanists... It is our right to watch L.A keen to see a fellow hunk get Awfully sorry chums, but the money already this year there's All twins, dead. But his clinically brain- feminists..!. Law and Thirtysomething and his end away. earth is flat. I fully retract any no way anyone's going to dish quads and quins are i dead and hideously mangled (We cut the rest as it was to listen to Billy Joel. I'll be in my usual spot at the statements that I may have out anything for a project celebrate, join in di body was rushed to the Sisters five pages long and not one It is our right to go bankrupt mention of beer, dorii or leaving thousands of elderly usual time, So feel free to bring made to the contrary. which is as unfeasible as fillingl groups and learn a of Death Medical Institute, my usual drink with you when in that bloody hole. concrete). small investors without their Yours faithfully many special issues v where Dr Shisky and Dr Nick- In the meantime we could Signed life savings. you get the job done! Galileo Galilei (Mr) feet multiple birtf olai performed a miraculous Yours richly have had some more accepta A Bore It is our right to vote for programme includes operation. We now have a Loaded with-Moolah ble facilities for a minimal cost PS. Perhaps you write them Roger Douglas, the Telecom WHAT'S THE overseas guests and a new, improved bionic Piglet, fit and I have to go round kicking yourselves? sale and to crush the working PS. My customised '68 social events, ter and stronger than ever STORY? little shits out of the best chairs masses. Mustang really needs a gor legister now by writ before. Dear Craccum and spaces just so I can enjoy (Oops, who told?) So there. geous woman in the passenger Adult Twins Conve The cost of the three week seat to be at its most stylish. W hat's the story? I heard a slurp or two in comfort. Yours indignantly Box 3395, operation was rumoured to be GROW UP that Shadows was going to be What is the world coming to! a BMW driving, Lacoste wear Wellington. about $975. When asked Dear Craccum renovated over the holidays ing, Thirtysomething watching, Signed about the operation, Dr Shisky I would like to inform all Dr-Michc Rheineck drinking yuppie. A Pisshead replied, "W e had the technol doris/blokes, women/men, for the steerii ogy, we had the materials and blacks/whites, TOP TIPS we had the inclination." Freethinkers/Christians etc (the HE GREENS Dr Nickolai was unavailable list of divisions goes on for Dear Editor for young people like lo for comment as he was en ever, down to me/you) of a few When I went home in the gaged in work on the MkIV Rice things. holidays my Mum gave me Thursday 7 June, 1| lravel 4 cheaply, flexibly and Wine to Rocket Fuel Convert (1) That you are all insecure is some handy hints for flatting. Greens meeting in B1 er. The new $975 Piglet is readily apparent. You think so Being of generous nature I feel Bosselman and Ray 0 reputed to be able to consume little of yourselves that you compelled to share them with o f f lh e b e a le n I r a c k viteyou to come and \ three budgies in a single sitting, must view yourselves as good your readers. University branch. and has the ability to inhale a through things you have no - Keep your microwave in the jug of Shadows finest flat ale control over, such as genetic freezer. That way you can use without detrimental effect. and psychological make-up. If it to freeze food as well as heat Let the shitbags of society you were born on the other side it. beware! of that dividing line you rail - To protect your flat from UN) Steve Austin against, you would as rabidly burglary buy a policeman's uni The Uni vers defend that position. form and stand outside your LIBERAL WOOLY front door all night. (2) We sane, unbiased people CRAP - Save on flat grocery expen are sick of your using Craccum ses by eating at restaurants. Dear Craccum as a (rather small) megaphone £ - Keep those phone bills down Be in which you can say "Look at by saying "Sorry wrong num Let Be me, mummy, I'm right! Am I an ber” whenever anyone rings Be what you are adult now?" Be as you are you. (3) There is much more to life As you like - To prevent contagious dis than you'd think, so stop the Normal retail Be eases spreading through the f-in g stamp collecting and Just flat wear surgical masks and During A p ril, grow up. Simply gloves at all times. colour p rin t p Yours with hopes of a better - cheat the coin-operated Be be in the drav\ Yours existentially world laundromat by filing 50c pieces a weekly priz Me Sean Murgatroyd down to 20c size. My Mum really is a mine of • t useful information and I'm sure Co that when the doctors say M she's Ok she'll be able to give me a lot more handy hints. We s to c k Your friend c o lo i A Loser an I DoNT KNOW We LAUNCHED HKA DREAM ON ^ PRO( AND THEN HE 7 / 1 T R A V E L JUST DISAPPEARED. Hey Guys High qualit Who's that gorgeous woman Black & who's always up in Shadows Plus m an) tempting my hormones in a AUCKLAND WELLINGTON CHRISTCHURCH HAMILTON DUNEDIN most delightful way? You know 64 High St - 390-458 207 Cuba St - 850-561 a 223 High St - 799-098 University - 69-139 "32 Albany St - 740-146 UNI the one I mean? Well you University - 370-555 University - 499-1017 University - 486-372 Telephone Sales - 366-6673 PALMERSON NORTH Pro] should unless you're one of Groups Dept. - 399-723 147 Cuba St - 592-512 Che them (an Australian). Anyway,

14 — Craccum, 5 June 1990 NOTICES

education a c t io n UASC PRE-SEASON MAIDMENT BUILDING ON ART/ CAPPING ARTS NOTICES GROUP RAGE LUNCHTIME MOVIE THE ART OF SWEATSHIRTS 1990 DANCEWORKS Every Tuesday at 1pm in Rm SEASON TERM 2 BUILDING LIMITED EDITION 138 (Behind TV Room). Activi June 11 'Angel Heart' (113 Introductory Course. Tuesdays Saturday 9 June. Cafe and Ex Fox Gallery, 6 Fox St Parnell. Only 30 left! In blue or white. ties to plan this Term include a mins) 9.30am-12.30pm, June tension, Student Union Bldg. Architechtural drawing, paint $35. Phone 390-789 x832 or National Week of Action (July Starring Mickey Rourke, Robert 26-July 17. $80 or $25/week. Live Band - Paradise Lost. ing and sculpture. Presented by see Gort in Craccum. University 16-23), stunts, posters, chalk- DeNiro and Lisa Bonet. Two-bit Pre-enrolments essential. Refreshments available. Tick Artists and Architects, until the Assoc Inc, ings, education forums, private eye Rourke is hired by ets at the door. $6. Be there or end of June. Phone 3031173 for more info. 136. speeches, rallies, marches, par mysterious DeNiro to track be sober. All welcome. A.U. GYMNASTICS ties etc etc etc. Please come down a missing man, which along and participate - it will CLUB ARTSPACE ACCOM AVAILABLE leads him into a serpentine in AUCKLAND jme bright spark be fun apd we desperately need vestigation and a kind of emo Recreational gymnastics. Most your input. tional quicksand. PHILHARMONIA should go through ly for beginners but experienc Kevin Capon. 30 May-22 June. time wasting crai See you there Tuesday. ORCHESTRA WANTED! Female Flatmate, MOTOR BIKE ed gymnasts are welcome. We You are invited to the opening out how much i Roger Pym thirtyish to share Ponsonby Bernstein and Gershwin - The have equipment and coaches of this exhibition on Tuesday to fill in the hole# Education Vice-Pres. SWAP MEET house with part-time Law stu Music of America. so come along and make use of 29 May at 5pm. of the building to PS. For further info please do dent, woman owner. Double Princess Wharf, Sunday 17th June 30, Commencing 8pm, them. floorspace. not hesitate to contact me at First Floor, Quay Buildings, 6-8 room, garage, $85.00 PW. June. 10am-3pm. $7 site on ASB Theatre, Aotea Centre. 6.00-8.00pm, Tuesday and Quay St. Gallery hours, 11am people exception- AUSA. Non-smoker, sense of humour the day. Refreshments Thursday in the main hall of the or what? We'tn to 5pm, Monday to Friday, and independence essential. available. Rec Centre. All Welcome! i this shit heapsof Telephone 3034 965. Come on, get those parts out SUBVERSIVE ACTS e and everytim# Ph Susan, bus: 7 97713 x 817 adult t w in s of the closet. Spectators - free ) the same concb- or home: 786 915. A collection of short stories by "A Few Years of New Zealand entry. Band and tattooists. CHRISTIAN FOCUS ; too much bloody CONVENTION NZ women writers. Submis Landscape Art," 6-29 June 1990. i because some New Zealand's first gathering GAY STUDENTS UNITED sions for the above anthology to Dr C Dunsford, R.D.2 You are invited to the opening ns have managed of adult multiple births is to be Friday 8 June - Christian Fo Social Meeting, Fridays THEATRESPORTS Matakana, Northland. of this exhibition on Tuesday 5 bucks of the Asso- held in Wellington this Labour cus will be held in the Maclarin 4.30pm-7 .30pm. Deadline October 31 1990. June at 5pm. yours and mine Weekend (October 20-22, Every Sunday until Nov 25 at Chapel commencing at 1pm. Exec Lounge, AUSA Rm 137. Stories may be subversive in lythis year there's 1990). All twins, triplets, 8pm,Maidment Theatre The speaker will be Raymond The George Fraser Gallery, 25A ne's going t " All gays welcome including ATI terms of content, theme, style, quads and quins are invited to Ticket $15 Concession $12. Miller on "The coming General Princes St. Gallery hours, Mon g for a p gays. language etc. celebrate, join in discussion Bookings: The Corner, phone Election: What are the issues day to Friday 11am-5pm. Maximum length 4000 words. nfeasible as groups and learn about the 303-3206 for a Christian?" ly hole, many special issues which ef MOTORCYCLISTS Send stories now. Sunday 10 June 1990 - antime we could fect multiple births. The ELLA BOPS GOFF? Please send SAE for return of UNITE! Chaplaincy Services at St An ART EXHIBITION ne more accepta- programme includes talks by You can make this happen by work. Club meeting 12 June 1990, drews Church, cnr Alten Rd for a minimal cost overseas guests and a range of coming to the New Labour Pakuranga Arts Society mem 6.30pm, Room 3.401, En and Symonds St commencing go round kicking social events. Party meeting at 1 pm on Thurs PETER FRANKL bers June Exhibition. Until Sun gineering School. at 7pm. of the best chain day June 7 in the Exec Lounge, day 17 June. Register now by writing to: Trackday 16 June 1990. Tau Masterclass (2pm) and Recital JSt so I can er 1 1st Floor AUSA Building. Adult Twins Convention, po track. Centennial Drive. (8pm). June 17. Music FOWKES ALIVE Fisher Gallery, Reeves Rd, o in comfort, We shall work on planning Ella Box 3395, Bring your bike and yourself Theatre, School of Music. Pakuranga. world coming to! Henry's election campaign By Bill Direen. Wellington. and be silly on the Track - not $25/$ 15 with discount for CLUB ROMA Signed against Goff in Roskill. Be Performed by Soluble Fish at Dr-Michael Baker on the road. those attending both. A Pisshead there! the Little Maidment. Thursday June 21: Bitumen for the steering group June 7, 9, 13 and 16, 8pm, Waltz celebrate the release of RAFT RACE E-TEAM CANZ $10. their debut recording 'Love or THE GREENS Near Offer' with a cassette Prize Winners - we've got The E-Team, currently in En e ! o Composers Association of N.Z. CAN BANK launch at Club Roma. Cassette more for you. You only got half gland attempting to sign up for Concerts June 1 3,16 , July 14. available in shops in June. what you should have. If you Drop your home/varsity m d Thursday 7 June, 1pm. The league with Arsenal, will be 7.30pm at the School of Music. want the rest see me in aluminium cans into the bins in Greens meeting in B10. Klaus back in Craccum next week. STUDENT the quad. Make your contribu Bosselman and Ray Galvin in Craccum. Rumour has it that some seri AUCKLAND FILM Gort ous pub research was done tion to saving the world. ALLOWANCES vite you to come and help form SOCIETY a University branch. Capping Controller over the hols so don't fret - Next Payment: 6 June. the boys from the brown stuff June 5 will be coming at ya loud and "We From Kronstadt",USSR strong. 1936, Y Dzigan 6.00pm."Don- CAPPING THEFTS ton",Fr/Pol 1982, A Wajda RENT A WASHER UNIPHOTO 8.15pm . The University Photo Shop on Campus Would those responsible for the Held at Charley Gray's Picture removal of the head from a T h e a tr e statue in Albert Park during the Pub Crawl please return it to % AUSA. No questions asked! ADULT DANCE The same goes for those who WORKSHOP stole the flag from a business in Mayoral Drive. Again, no For intermediate and advanced questions asked - they just dance students in Contem Normal retail price $ 1 0 9 5 .0 0 want it back. porary Dance, Jazz and Com N O MORE REPAIR position with Cath Cardiff and BILLS During A p ril, M ay and Ju n e , bring y o u r WOMINSPACE Janine Burchett. NO MORE colour print processing with this advert to JOURNAL LAUNCH 2-6pm, Sat and Sun. BREAKDOWNS be in the draw. AL SO all entries will be in for Pre-enrolments essential, a weekly prize for Thursday June 7, 7.30pm at phone 303-1173. FREE DELIVERY, Wominspace. Music by Jo $75. INSTALLATION AND • 5 rolls Kodak film • Mackay and Turiija Readings SERVICING Come to Uniphoto for from the Journal. Journals on SPECIAL RATES TO sale. Refreshments. Only $6 for WINTER FILMS STUDENTS: $5 OFF entertainment and refresh WORKSHOPS, AND NO BOND We stock all major brands of film in ments. All womin welcome to colour print, transparency the launch of "Glass Beads and MAIDMENT THEATRE and black and white. Blue Stockings". (Now availa 1. The Dynamic Performer. ble from UBS and Women's PROCESSING SERVICE Michael Mizrahi and Mari Bookshop too). Adams. ^High quality developing and printing. June 9-10, 10am-3.30pm. Black & White, E.6. processing. DEBATE 2. Introduction to stage design. Plus many other services available. Freethinkers vs Campus Cru John Parker. 4EDIN «« sade for Christ (Round 3) June 16-17, 10am-4pm. Albany St - 740-146 * UNIPHOTO — School of Architecture, Property and Planning — opposite "That Christianity is beyond Student fees $40. For further RENT-A-WASH LTD Reason" s Chemistry Building. enquiries and enrolment, phone 250 Dominion Road, Mt Eden June 5, 1pm, B-10 793474. Ph: 605-945 A/Hrs: 615-148

Craccum, 5 June 1990 — 15 W h e n y o u r p la n n in g to fin is h a t th e to p , “Staff training was ^ The 1990 KPMG Peat Marwick it’s a help to have it in sight at the start. one of the reasons I Career Presentation ‘How To Start At chose Peats. And it’s The Top’ will be held at the Conference And that’s why you should take this definitely lived up to Centre, Auckland University on Hiesday opportunity to talk to KPM G Peat M arwick. it's promises .” June 5 1990 at 6.15pm. Kerstin Keogh At KPM G Peat M arwick we are at the Interviews for KPMG Peat Marwick top in the things that matter in business will be held on cam pus on June 6 — 8,13 — today. In size, in the clients we work with M “I also enjoy the 15, and 18-22 inclusive 1990. Contact the and, most important of all for you right atmosphere in the Careers Advisory Service for an now, in our attitude to your training and office. We work well appointment. your career. as a team and people are always available Read what some recent graduates have to help.” to say about their first year with KPMG KPMG Peat Marwick Robyn Walter Peat Marwick: Together we'll build your career.