The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care. National Foster Parent Association NationalAdvocate NFPA Supports Foster Parents in Safety, Permanency and Wellbeing For the Children and Youth in Their Care

July Issue 2012

• A look at Autism To see a presentation on the statistics of Foster • L K for the Survey Care in the U.S., • Don’t forget to PLAY click HERE

• 20122012 NFPA ConferenceAWARD WINNERS: Memories • Foster Family of the Year - JOHN & DIANA ALEJOS, Nacogdoches, Texas • State Foster Parent Association of the Year - Foster & Adoptive Family Services, New Jersey • Local Foster Parent Association of the Year - Foster & Adoptive Family Services County Volunteer Committee, Middlesex County, New Jersey • Social Worker of the Year - GIA WESLEY, Kent, Washington • Gordon Evans Merit Award for Service to NFPA - CAROLYN WALKER, Jacksonville, Texas • General Service Recognition - VANESSA TYRUS, Jacksonville, Illinois • NFPA Regional Vice President Award - RANDY RUTH, Region 5 - Minnesota • State Membership Award - GLADYS BOYD, Illinois Foster & Adoptive Parent Association • President’s Award - SUE DONDIEGO, Plant City, Florida www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation @NFPAOnline www.nfpaonline.org

Click on the NFPA Logo at the bottom of each page to return to the Table Of Contents on Page 2 www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline Page # 1 The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care.

NFPA News • face2face Page 3 T • NFPA Partners With Foster Parent College Page 4 • Board of Directors Page 6 • Friends of NFPA Page 7 A • NFPA Committee Chair /Responsibilities Page 7 • Board of Directors Schedule Page 10 B • NFPA Survey of Families Pages 11, 21 • NFPA Advertising Policy Page 18 • NFPA Board Member Visits Washington Page 18 L • Join NFPA Page 19 • Friends of NFPA Page 19 • NFPA Blog Page 20 E • NFPA Works With Page 34 • 2012 Conference Memories Page 41 • Of Featured Articles • Autism Pages 4, 25. 22-25 • Value of Play Page 13 • Wisdom of a Teen, Eyes of a Child Page 14 C • Water Page 15 • Book Review Page 17 o • IRS News Page 20 • Mom Stress Page 27-28 • 5 Ways to Prevent Summer Learning Loss Page 29 n • Bullying Page 30 • Rebuilding Closeness Pages 31-32 • The Power of Play Page 33 t • Education Q’s & A’s Pages 36-38 e Just For Fun • How to REALLY Love a Child Page 5 n • Lifebooks Page 8 • ABC’s of Happiness Page 10 • Life is Good Page 12 t • Did You Know? Page 16 • Children Learn What They Live Page 26 s • Just a Little Boy Page 35 • Consider This Page 35

Page # 2 www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care. face2face With NFPA President, Irene Clements

Dear Foster Parents and Friends, Although it is good to be home after a week in the beautiful Chicago area for the National Foster Parent Association’s 42nd Annual Education Conference, I am missing the smiling faces of those who attended and the camaraderie we all developed as the conference progressed. Thanks a million to the Illinois Foster and Adoptive Parent Association and the Illinois Department of Children and Family Services for their assistance prior to and during the conference and for encouraging and supporting Illinois foster parents to attend the conference. What a fantastic group of people! Thanks to our exhibitors for supporting NFPA while informing conference attendees and offering some great buys. Sincere appreciation also goes to our conference keynote speakers and workshop presenters. The quality of the presentations was shared enthusiastically after each session. Of course, the NFPA Conference Committee was key to this year’s success and they deserve kudos for their many jobs well done. For those who were not there to experience this fantastic conference, you are invited to experience even better next year in June in Long Beach, California, as our Conference Committee continues to raise the bar and our California leadership brings their ideas and enthusiasm to conference planning and implementation. Generous donations from our conference attendees through our Silent Auction, two quilt raffles (beautiful quilts made and donated by the National Grange) and two 50/50 cash events raised $3500 for the NFPA Youth Scholarship Fund. If you want to help build this fund, please donate. Biological, adopted and foster children of NFPA members are eligible to receive scholarships. The number and amount of scholarships depends on the amount of funds raised. NFPA committees are looking for some new members to assist with the work of NFPA as we provide the national voice of foster parents. If you are ready to step out in advocacy, we can use your time and talents. Go to our website and contact the Chair of the Committee you are interested in as you will find contact information for all members of the Board on the website. As president of NFPA, I would love to hear from you. Your ideas and recommendations for a better NFPA and a better foster care system are always welcome. You can email me at [email protected]. Be safe. Be well. Be happy. Be courageous. Irene Clements, President, NFPA

www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline Page # 3 The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care. ‘The Unspoken Truth About Autism’ Doctor reveals new ideas, treatment for children with NATIONAL FOSTER PARENT ASSOCIATION Autism http://www.prnewschannel.com/2012/03/22/doctor- AND reveals-new-ideas-treatment-for-children-with-autism/ May 3, 2012

"The Unspoken Truth About Autism" By Dr. Karen Savlov The National Foster Parent Association is pleased to Autism is a disorder that is not easily understood, announce our partnership with FosterPaentCollege. despite its widespread presence in children. In “The com, a premier provider of online education for Foster Unspoken Truth About Autism: A New Look at the families. Etiology and Treatment of Autism Spectrum Disorders” (ISBN 1461195004), Dr. Karen Savlov presents a new FosterParentCollege.com offers evidence based, explanation for the etiology of autism that disputes interactive, multimedia classes taught by respected commonly held views. professionals. Although the origin is unknown, the majority of professionals working with or researching autism The classes are easy to use, affordable, self-paced, and consider it to be a brain disorder. Due to this available 24/7 for your convenience. perspective, clinical work generally focuses on techniques such as Applied Behavioral Analysis, Training courses include: sensory integration and social skills development. • Reactive Attachment Disorder While this work should be commended, Savlov • Substance-Exposed Infants believes that the time is right to introduce a new state- • Grief & Loss in the Care System of-the-art work called Attachment Relational Therapy • Positive Parenting (ART). • Culturally Competent Parenting • And many more... Savlov believes that the cause of autism stems from an incomplete attachment, a process that extends You can learn more about the training courses offered, over the first two to three years of life. She states that or if you are ready to register now for an account at FPC children who fall into this incomplete attachment are - http://www.nfpaonline.org/fpc waiting for the attachment process to be completed.

FosterParentCollege.com is proud to support NFPA, Savlov hypothesizes that the child remains in this and you can support NFPA as well while receiving your incomplete state of attachment until the caregiver can training online. respond appropriately to help the child to complete the attachment process. From this viewpoint, the child Thanks to this new agreement, FPC will make a with autism has varying degrees of dissociation and donation to NFPA of 10% of the purchase price of all lacks a sense of self-agency, which prohibits the child FPC classes you take. Be sure to use this link to assure from relating to others. She explains that the child can NFPA will receive the donation: http://www.nfpaonline. be mobilized to use him or herself in relationships with org/fpc others through the use of empathy, understanding, acceptance, recognition and validation. NOTE; Thousands of agencies across the country accept training credits received on FPC. Confirm your agency “A child with autism does the best he or she can to accepts FPC training before taking a class if you plan to cope with this predicament,” Savlov says. “Actions use FPC to meet your training requirements. typical of autism, like the flapping of arms, nonverbal communication and a general lack of responsiveness, Learn more about FosterParentCollege.com by visiting make more sense when viewed through the lens of an NFPA website the . incomplete attachment.” Continues on Page 25

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How to REALLY love a child!

Be there. Say Yes as often as you can. Let them bang on pots and pans. If they’re crabby, put them in water to play. Read books out loud with joy. Go find elephants and kiss them. Encourage silly. Giggle a lot. Remember how really small they are. Search out the positive. Keep the gleam in your eye. Go see a movie in your pyjamas. Teach feelings. Realize how important it is to be a child. Plan to build a rocketship. Stop yelling. Invent pleasures together. Surprise them. Express your love. A LOT. Children are Miraculous!

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NFPA BOARD OF DIRECTORS President Irene Clements Pflugerville, TX 78660 512-670-1024 [email protected] or [email protected] Vice President Sue Dondiego Plant City, FL 33656 908-307-5196 [email protected] or [email protected] Secretary Heather Hosmer Tracy, CA 95377 209-834-0599 [email protected] or [email protected] Treasurer Aubrey Manuel LA, CA 90037-2902 323-846-0007 [email protected] Member at Large Lana Freeman Newcastle, OK 73065-5850 405-387-5052 [email protected] Council of State Affiliates Pat Llewellyn Missoula, MT 59801 406-207-9398 [email protected] Region 1 Vice President Dorris Marshall Quincy, MA 02169 671-472-6325 dmmarshall131@verizonnet Region 1 Advisor Jean Fiorito Rocky Hill, CT 860-258-3400 [email protected] Region 2 Vice President Antoinette Cotman South Ozone Pk, NY 11420 917-387-0195 [email protected] Region 2 Advisor Sarah Gerstenzng Brooklyn, NY 11215 718-369-7363 [email protected] Region 3 Vice President Michele Burnette California, MD 20619 240-298-5825 [email protected] Region 3 Advisor John Bertulis Ellicott City, MD 410-767-7561 [email protected] Region 4 Vice President Wanda Douglas Charlotte, NC 28269 704-599-0052 [email protected] Region 4 Advisor Kimberly Hernandez Tampa, FL 33625 813-956-6480 [email protected] Region 5 Vice President Randy Ruth Apple Valley, MN 55124-9541 612-849-0246 [email protected] Region 5 Advisor Josh Kroll St. Paul, MN 55114 651-644-3036 x15 [email protected] Region 6 Vice President Lana Freeman Newcastle, OK 73065-5850 405-387-5052 [email protected] Region 6 Advisor Terri Parsons Austin, TX 512-438-4793 [email protected] Region 7 Vice President Pam Allen Aurora, NE 68818 308-631-5847 [email protected] Region 7 Advisor Cory Rathbun Salina, Kansas 785-825-0541 x 308 [email protected] Region 8 Vice President Corrie Player Cedar City, UT 84720 435-327-1096 heavenhelpusbeourbest@gmail. com or [email protected] Region 8 Advisor Bonnie McNulty Edgewater, CO 80214-1235 303-233-6216 [email protected] Region 9 Vice President Ron Clanton Phoenix, AZ 85032 602-867-9473 [email protected] Region 9 Advisor Bobby Rufus Bakersfield, CA 93314 661-588-2146 [email protected] Region 10 Vice President Juliane Rinard Rathdrum, ID 83858 [email protected] Region 10 Advisor Melody Curtiss Tacoma, WA 98446-3503 235-232-9561 [email protected] Implementations Chair Randy Ruth Burnsville, MN 612-849-0246 [email protected] Diversity Chair Lana Freeman Newcastle, OK 73065-5850 405-387-5052 [email protected] [email protected] Nominations Chair Bonnie McNulty Edgewater, CO 80214-1235 303-233-6216 [email protected] Finance /Budget Chair Jean Fiorito Windsor Licks, CT 06096 860-258-3400 [email protected] By Laws Chair Peggy Kirby Monroe, LA 71291 888-655-9564 [email protected] Member Services Chair LaShaun Wallace Miramar, FL 33027 954-699-0844 [email protected] Public Policy Chair David Sharp Birmingham, AL 35242 205-369-5167 [email protected] Walk-Me-Home Cochair Mike Canfield Bremerton, WA 98311 360-377-1011 [email protected] Walk-Me-Home Cochair Buddy Hooper Cullman, AL 35058 256-507-3273 [email protected] [email protected] Conference Chair Michele Burnett California, MD 20619 240-288-5825 Resource Development Chair Bob Dewhurst Birmingham, AL 205-541-5655 [email protected] Board Development Stacey Darbee Apex, NC 919-367-9301 [email protected] Presidential Adviser Patrick Jaggers Houston, TX [email protected] Editor of NationalAdvocate Carolyn Walker Jacksonville, TX 903-586-7103 [email protected] IT & Web Master Dennis Seger Longmont, CO [email protected] Region 1: Connecticut / Maine /Massachusetts /Rhode Island /Vermont Region 6: Arkansas /Louisiana /Oklahoma /New Mexico /Texas Region 2: New Jersey /New York /Puerto Rico /Virgin Islands Region 7: Iowa /Kansas /Missouri /Nebraska Region 3: District of Columbia /Delaware /Maryland /Pennsylvania / Region 8: Colorado /North Dakota /South Dakota /Montana /Utah / Virginia /West Virginia Wyoming Region 4: Alabama /Florida /Georgia /Kentucky /Mississippi /North Region 9: Arizona /California /Nevada /Hawaii /Guam /Samoa /Wake Island Carolina /South Carolina /Tennessee Region 10: Alaska /Idaho /Oregon /Washington Region 5: Illinois /Indiana /Michigan /Minnesota /Ohio /Wisconsin Page # 6 www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care. Meet the Friends of NFPA NFPA is proud to list our generous supporters that have joined the Friends of NFPA program. Learn more about how to add your name to the list by becoming a Friend of NFPA!

Friend of NFPA...... Friend Level Pat Llewellyn...... Advocate Member Pamela Allen...... Advocate Member Doris Marshall...... Advocate Member John Bertulis...... Advocate Member Mike Peterson...... Advocate Member Michelle Champion...... Hero Member Phyllis Pierce...... Advocate Member Irene Clements...... Hero Member Corrie Lynne Player...... Advocate Member Sue Dondiego...... Advocate Member Rob Rinard, Jr...... Advocate Member Jean Fiorito...... Advocate Member Dee Robinson...... Advocate Member Kalyani Gopal...... Hero Member David Sharp...... Advocate Member William ‘Buddy’ Hooper...... Advocate Member LaShaun Wallace ...... Hero Member Peggy Kirby...... Advocate Member

~ COMMITTEE RESPONSIBILITIES~ c) Evaluates effectiveness of trainings & workshops BYLAWS COMMITTEE d) Seeks new membership in all categories Chair, Peggy Kirby e) Seeks renewals of membership in all categories a) Bylaws DIVERSITY b) Policies & Procedures Chair, Lana Freeman c) Board Manual a) Be included on other committees for specific diversity issues NOMINATIONS COMMITTEE b) Identifies materials, trainers, & workshops on diversity Chair, Bonnie McNulty c) interact with Development Committee to bring diverse a) Oversight of Nomination process people into leadership of NFPA BUDGET /FINANCE COMMITTEE d) Develop liaisons to the diversity committees Chair, Jean Fiorito e) Interact with Development & Conference committees to a) Assist in development of annual budget include diversity topics in trainings b) Financial oversight IMPLEMENTATION c) Conduct Internal audit and secure external audit Chair, Randy Ruth d) Develop relationships with philanthropic and corporate a) Coordinate efforts between committees sources b) Oversight of implementation of new programs & services ADVOCACY /PUBLIC POLICY COMMITTEE c) Provide information or implementation efforts to Executive Chair, David Sharp Committee a) Advocacy & public policy at state & national levels RESOURCE DEVELOPMENT b) Foster /adopt /kinship public policy Chair, Bob Dewhurst c) National advocacy presents a) See opportunities for diversification of funding d) Helps maintain a roster of credible spokespersons b) Develop new programs to benefit NFPA & Membership e) Positive Statements c) Coordinate with other committees for program f) NFPA Support of legislative issues implementation BOARD DEVELOPMENT COMMITTEE d) Generate programs to increase operating income for NFPA Chair, Stacey Darbee CONFERENCE a) Board activities -training, retreats, mentoring, orientation & Chair, Michele Burnett recruitment of new Board members a) See locations for educational conferences b) Identifies Board development resources, materials & b) Coordinate all conference activities workshops c) Coordinate call for presenters & assign workshops c) Networking & interaction during conference d) Coordinate registration, banquets, etc. d) Youth voice representation on Board of Directors WALK ME HOME e) Staff Development Cochair: Buddy Hooper f) Management of NFPA grievances Cochair: Mike Canfield MEMBER SERVICES a) Assist with event planning Chair, LaShaun Wallace b) Manage Walk Contracts a) Scholarships & Awards c) Manage website donations b) Identifies training, educational materials & other supports & services needed by foster families www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline Page # 7 The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care.

http://www.byreflections.com [email protected] Page # 8 www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care.

What Contributes to the Deterioration of America’s Schools?

aylor’s women’s basketball team was ranked number one throughout the entire season by the BAssociated Press, won an unprecedented 40 games and became the NCAA champions by beating Notre Dame. Just as there are criteria for determining the best college basketball teams, the same exists for schools. According to U.S. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan, “America’s education system is basically a 19th century model that is not preparing enough students to be successful in the 21st century economy.”

expectations of students, those schools that offer a rigorous curriculum have proven to be the standard for America’sIn lieu of a best 19th high century schools. education According system to U.S. or watered-down World and News curriculum Report, America’s that reflects best the high minimum schools are those that effectively meet the needs of their students or successfully serve all of them well regardless of their socioeconomic status. U.S. News measured the effectiveness of these schools based on their performance on the state’s reading and mathematics exams and a college readiness index based on the number of advanced placement or international baccalaureate courses taken as well as students’ performance on the national exams. n a similar report, Newsweek noted that America’s best high schools are those schools that work hard Ito challenge students to take rigorous courses and tests in advanced placement (AP), international Newsweek used a college readiness index based on the number of students who took at least one of these courses and tests inbaccalaureate their junior (IB)and senioror Advanced years ofInternational high school. Certificate Research notesEducation that students (AICE). As who criteria, take AP or IB courses and the respective tests do better in college than those students who do not take the courses. Organizations such as the Southern Regional Education Board recommend that policy makers expand these offering to underrepresented groups. To support this position, the U.S. Department of Education has provided competitive grants for school districts to expand the enrollment of these groups to reduce inequities. Without a rigorous curriculum in all America’s schools, an alarming number of students are “left behind.” As an intervention to ensure that all students get a well-rounded education, the Common Core State Standards were adopted by the National Governors Association Center for Best Practices and the Council

administrators and other stakeholders across the political spectrum, the Common Core State Standards are sharedof Chief across State School each state Officers to provide for elementary students andcommon secondary understanding schools. Through of what theknowledge, input of skillsteachers, and schoolabilities they are expected to learn in subjects such as English language arts and mathematics in order for them to be competitive in a global economy. It also helps teachers and parents know what they need to do to help children perform and compete. Our children are the future leaders of America. We must ensure they are exposed to a rigorous curriculum and that they master the requirements of the curriculum. We must help children understand that the same characteristics required of an outstanding athlete such as dedication, determination and persistence are also required of a scholar. If we continue with a 19th century education system or watered-down curriculum, our schools will continue to deteriorate.

Dr. Ronald Holmes is the author of two books, Education Questions to be Answered and Current Issues and Answers in Education. He is the President of The Holmes Education Post, an education focused Internet newspaper. Holmes is the National Superintendent of Education for the National Save the Family Now Movement, Inc., a former teacher, school administrator, and district superintendent and can be reached at the following email address: [email protected].

www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline Page # 9 The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care. HOUSTON – In a recent study of 9,000 preschoolers, less than 50 percent of children play outside on a daily basis, reports Archives of Pediatric & Adolescent Medicine.

Karen Leis Welsh, an elementary teacher for more than 20 years, is out to change that.

Through rhyme and bright illustration, Welsh’s debut book Frolicking Friends teaches kids the importance of reading and getting outside to play. Following a boy who can’t wait to get outside and play with his animal friends, Welsh entertains children’s imaginations and encourages them to start their own adventures.

“I want children to know that there’s a whole world of fun outside of electronics,” says Welsh. “Too many kids sit inside playing video games all day, and they just don’t realize that they can enjoy life without them. I want to entertain kids while teaching them that adventures can be found anywhere: Outdoors, in a good book, you name it.” See Page 33 for more... The NFPA Board of Directors Monthly Conference Call Schedule for the remainder of 2012 • August 6th • September 10th • October 1st Monthly Conference Call Schedule for the year of 2013 • January 7th • February 4th • March 4th • April 1st • May 6th All calls begin promptly at 7:00 PM Central Time. Please contact the NFPA office for call-in instructions.

Members of NFPA are welcome to join the calls. Face-to-face meetings of the Board of Directors will be held in Long Beach, California, on November 2-3, 2012 and June 4 & 7, 2013. Please note that visitors may join the Board of Directors call but they may not actively participate. If you would like to speak to a specific agenda item, please inform the chairman at the beginning of the meeting. Page # 10 www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care. NEWS... NFPA SURVEY

Placement disruption is devastating not only to our fragile youth, but to the foster/resource parents who care for them. As we are all aware, most of the children and adolescents in our care suffer from mental health issues and/or substance abuse issues, but what we are willing to accept and how much we understand about the conditions can make a difference in the success of the placement.

In order to begin to understand how to decrease the number of placement disruptions, it is essential that we gain insight on foster/resource parents’ preferences, views, and experiences related to mental health and substance abuse problems. In addition, we need to better understand how we (NFPA) can education /train families with every possible tool.

To begin to gain information from foster/resource parents themselves, National Foster Parent Association (NFPA) is working with the Parents Translational Research Center (PTRC) at the Treatment Research Institute (TRI) to conduct a national survey of foster/resource parents’ views on adolescent alcohol and other drug use.

WHAT IS EXPECTED FROM THE FOSTER PARENT?

Foster/resource parents will be asked to complete a survey that will ask them questions about their fostering experiences and what they know and think about adolescent alcohol and other drug use. There will also be questions about their training experiences related to substance abuse and other child / adolescent issues like mental health.

The survey will take about 30-45 minutes to complete and parents will be paid $35 for their participation.

WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE DATA?

Only research staff will be able to see the answers to questions and foster/resource parents name and address (used for payment) will be kept in a separate secure database. The data will be presented to the NFPA and at scholarly meetings but all the answers will be aggregated.

WHAT HELP WOULD WE LIKE FROM YOU?

Since this survey will be done completely online, through Email. NFPA is asking each state affiliate to email a recruitment letter from the scientists to the foster/resource parents in your state. The email will include a description of the study and an active link to an electronic survey. The email will be forwarded to our affiliates for distribution throughout the states. We will also need you to send out follow-up Emails periodically after the initial recruitment email. The follow-up emails will be sent out based on the response rate from foster/resource parents.

If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to contact me or the principal scientist on the study: Dr. Övgü Kaynak at [email protected]. Thank you for your help with this study! We are very excited to be working with the PTRC on this important research. Sincerely, Irene Clements

Also see page 21 www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline Page # 11 The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care.

Written by a 90 year old This is something we 30. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time. should all read at least once a week!!!!! Make sure 31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. you read to the end!!!!!! Written by Regina Brett, 32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , 33. Believe in miracles. Ohio . "To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do. 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested 35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over now. to 90 in August, so here is the column once more: 36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young. 37. Your children get only one childhood. 1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good. 38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved. 2. When in doubt, just take the next small step. 39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting 3. Life is too short – enjoy it. everywhere. 4. Your job won't take care of you when you are 40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw sick. Your friends and family will. everyone else's, we'd grab ours back. 5. Pay off your credit cards every month. 41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already 6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to have, not what you need. yourself. 42. The best is yet to come... 7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying 43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show alone. up. 8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it. 44. Yield. 9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck. 45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift." 10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. 11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present. 12. It's OK to let your children see you cry. 13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about. 14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it. 15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye But don't worry; God never blinks. 16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind. 17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways. 18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. 19. It's never too late to be happy But it’s all up to you and no one else. 20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer. 21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special. 22. Over prepare, then go with the flow. 23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple. 24. The most important sex organ is the brain. 25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you. 26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?' 27. Always choose life. 28. Forgive but don’t forget. 29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

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The Value of Play When Kids Are Troubled

Many techniques used by professionals with children who are struggling with grief, anger and other strong feelings can be used effectively by parents and early childhood professionals in a variety of situations. In Advance Play Therapy, Dee C. Ray recommends such responses to children as: • Verbally responding to what the child is doing, or tracking. This simply means stating what you as the adult observe: “You’re picking up the dinosaur,” or “You’re running all the way to the fence.” These statements indicate that you’re interested in what the child is doing. The fact that you’re making no judgment signals that you accept the child’s behavior.

• Reflecting the content of a child’s comments. When you paraphrase what a child has told you, you clarify your understanding of what has happened, and more important, you have helped the child clarify her understanding of an event. Ray does not go into reasons for this, but as a parent, you may want to use this technique to get details about something that is troubling your child (a botched school assignment or a playground bully, for example). As a professional, you might use it to gather information about possible abuse or risks in the child’s environment.

• Reflecting feelings. Ray encourages us to be careful when we interpret a child’s feelings even as she points out how valuable this technique can be in helping children identify and accept their emotions. For example, if a child says, “This place is stupid and I want to go home,” an appropriate response might be, “You’re angry about being here and you’d rather be at home.”

• Helping kids make decisions and take responsibility. Because we should not do for kids what they can do for themselves, the author (whose responsibilities at the University of North Texas include teaching counseling) suggests responses like, “It’s up to you” when a child says, “What am I supposed to do?” And when a child asks you to do something he is capable of, Ray recommends an answer such as, “That looks like something you can do.”

• Facilitating creativity and spontaneity. Because troubled kids are often, to quote Ray, “trapped in rigid ways of acting and thinking,” being encouraged to be creative can help them develop flexibility in both thought and action. She cites the example of a child asking what color a flower should be painted, recommending a response like, “Whatever color you want it to be.”

• Encouraging kids to feel better about themselves. When we tell a child that we like her painting, we are reinforcing the message that our approval is important, says the author. Instead, she continues, focus on such esteem-building comments as, “You did it the way you wanted” and “You figured it out.”

For more information, see Advanced Play Therapy: Essential Conditions, Knowledge and Skills for Child Practice, published by Routledge in 2011.

www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline Page # 13 The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care. punishment for us. It is a free gift if we will only accept His With the Wisdom of a Teenager and gift and place our trust in Him,” she related. Wanting to be sure that the kids understood what a sin was she gave each the Eyes of a Child child a sheet of paper. “This is your free day to write down As I write this I am sitting with my own father at MD all your mistakes so that you can give them to God and ask Anderson in Houston, Texas. I am struck by the depravity His forgiveness. Your parents won’t punish you for anything of the whole situation. So many different people – people you write on the paper or they’ll have to fill out their own of every age, walk of life, country, race, and background. paper,” she joked. Then she said, “I’ll give you just a few All with the same forced smile and deep resolve to win - to minutes to write down your sins. It won’t take long because fight the cancer and win. The concerned family members, none of you have very many.” “We do!” piped up my eight- the cheerful small talk and yet there is an undercurrent of year-old with a grin on his face. I can honestly say I am the emotion that cannot be overlooked. Amongst the offices and proud parent of the only child who filled up both the front halls sporting the names of wildflowers, the scenic pictures and the back of his paper. (He only quit writing because of mountains and sun-struck valleys, there is sadness, anger the children’s minister had to move on with the lesson.) At and quiet desperation. It is organized and well-run, offering least my family knows what sin is. After all, isn’t that the the most up-to-date treatments for a battle none of us ever first step in accepting God’s grace? I recall this alongside the wants to face. And yet it is dismal, an all too close front-row- faces of so many people in need of a little grace. Then I recall seat to our own mortality. We met a friend of my fathers in what it feels like to be a parent. You see something puzzling the elevator. I listened quietly – suddenly demoting myself happens the moment kids turn thirteen. At twelve, they to the complacent child I once was. “I really don’t think think you have all the answers. They love you. They might there’s much chance,” I heard my father say. “Of what?” his even hug you (as long as their friends aren’t around). But friend innocently asked. “Survival.” “That’s the thing about oh thirteen! What a milestone that is! Suddenly, you know this place,” his friend continued, undeterred, struggling with nothing. They are the expert on all things. And yet, when cancer himself, “They don’t give up.” I wasn’t sure if it was confronted by one of these all-seeing, all-knowing creatures wishful thinking on my part but I thought that I caught a you do not jump at the opportunity to be enlightened by glimmer of hope in my father’s eyes. their never-ending diatribe of useful information. Shocked, they are left to wait, somewhat impatiently, hoping instead that you might vicariously absorb some of their infinite Hope does serve a purpose. Although, I think we must be wisdom. Never mind the fact that you’ve been around for prudent with our hope. It may be bitterness on my part, a significantly longer time. You’ve seen more sunrises and but I can recall a doctor telling me that my mother could sunsets than they could imagine. It brings to mind the verse easily live twenty more years. She died a few short months in Job where Job questions God and the reply could be no later. All the same, well-placed hope can serve an invaluable more relevant today, “Where were you when I laid the earth’s purpose. It can provide strength to a soul once lost. foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a One evening, not so long ago, One evening, not so long ago, my ten-year-old daughter came to me quite upset, eyes brimming with measuring line across it?” For my ten-year-old daughter came to some reason when I read this me quite upset, eyes brimming should they become useful. “She told me I was going to it gives me peace. When I with tears – not quite ready to look at suffering or injustice flow but armed none the less, tearshell!” –she not accused quite ready her tothirteen-year-old flow but armed nonesister. the It less,was just another day in that paradise we call parenthood. in the world and wonder why, should they become useful. “She I consider for a moment my told me I was going to hell!” she own thirteen-year-old who accused her thirteen-year-old sister. It was just another day questions my every move with sweet, naive defiance and I in that paradise we call parenthood. Call it reading too many wonder if God thinks the same of me. Granted He is strong, parenting books, but I turned it into a teachable moment. and kind and good. He can more than handle our questions That very night she prayed with me to receive Jesus Christ with a loving heart. But I can hear in His voice, the quiet as her Lord and Savior and this tragedy was turned into a underlying tone saying, “My child, why don’t you just trust testimony like no other ten-year-old I know. After placing me. Quit trying to hold up the world and know that I her trust in Christ, the next step was getting baptized. At have seen far more sunrises and sunsets than you can ever our church, that means taking an hour long class with the imagine. It is I who put the stars into place. I only allow you adults in your life who will claim you. Not to be outdone by to discover where they are and how long they’ve been there. his older sister, my eight-year-old boy was right along beside It is I who am in control. Your life, be it pain or gladness, is her wanting to be baptized as well. The children’s minister only but a breath, a fleeting moment submersed in eternity. flawlessly gave a brief and child-friendly version of her own Trust me, my child that you might live.” testimony. She had previously explained that we all sin and thatStacey Jesus Addison died Check on out the Stacey’s cross book for What all Works:of our How sins. “He took the to Raise Amazing Kids in Spite of the Foster Care System at AmazingFosterKids.com or order online through Amazon or Barnes & Noble bookstores. Page # 14 www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care. FROM A CARDIAC SPECIALIST Drinking water at certain time maximizes its effectiveness on the body. • 2 Glasses of water after waking up - helps activate internal organs • 1 Glass of water 30 minutes before a meal - helps digestion • 1 Glass of water before taking a bath - helps lower blood pressure • 1 Glass of water before going to bed - avoids stroke or heart attack Water - How 50% A Day Keeps the Fat Away

RULE: MUST DRINK 1/2 BODY WEIGHT OR MORE IN OZ. OF WATER EVERY DAY! Incredible as it may seem, water is quite possibly the single most important catalyst in losing weight and keeping it off. Although most of us take it for granted, water may be the only true “magic potion” for permanent weight loss. Water suppresses the appetite naturally and helps the body metabolize stored fat. Studies have shown that a decrease in water intake will cause fat deposits to increase, while an increase in water intake can actually reduce fat. Here’s why: The kidneys can’t function properly without enough water. When they don’t work to capacity, some of their load is dumped onto the liver. One of the liver’s primary functions is to metabolize stored fat into usable energy for the body. But if the liver has to do some of the kidney’s work, it can’t operate at full throttle. As a result, it metabolizes less fat; more fat remains stored in the body and weight loss stops. Drinking enough water is the best treatment for fluid retention. When the body gets less water, it perceives this as a threat for survival and begins to hold on to every drop. Water is stored in extra cellular spaces (outside the cells). This shows up as swollen feet, legs, and hands. Diuretics offer a temporary solution at best. They force out stored water along with some essential nutrients. Again, the body perceives a threat and will replace the lost water at the first opportunity. Thus, the condition quickly returns. The best way to overcome the problem of water retention is to give your body what it needs--plenty of water. Only then will stored water be released. If you have a consistent problem with water retention, excess salt may be to blame. Your body will tolerate sodium only in a certain concentration. The more salt you eat, the more water your system retains to dilute it. But getting rid of unneeded salt is easy--just drink more water. As it is forced through the kidneys it takes away excess sodium. The overweight person needs more water than the thin one. Larger people have larger metabolic loads. Since we know that water is the key to fat metabolism, it follows that the overweight person needs more water. Water helps to maintain proper muscle tone by giving muscles their natural ability to contract and by preventing dehydration. It also helps to prevent the sagging skin that usually follows weight loss. Water pumps the skin and leaves it clear, healthy and resilient. Water helps rid the body of waste. During weight loss, the body has a lot more waste to get rid of - all that metabolized fat must be shed. Again adequate water helps flush out the waste. Water can help relieve constipation. When the body gets too little water, it siphons what it needs from internal sources. The colon is one primary source. Result? Constipation. But when a person drinks enough water, normal bowel function usually returns. So far, we’ve discovered some remarkable things about water and weight loss: Retained water shows up as excess fat. To get rid of excess water, you must drink more water. Drinking water is essential to weight loss. How much water is enough? On the average, a person should drink eight (8 ounce) glasses every day, which are about 2 Quarts. However, the overweight person needs one additional glass for every 25 pounds of excess weight. The amount you drink also should be increased if you exercise briskly or if the weather is hot and dry. RULE: <160 LBS - Drink 8-10 glasses/day >160 lbs - Drink 10-14 glasses/day Water should preferably be cold--it’s absorbed into the system more quickly than warm water. And some evidence suggests that drinking cold water can actually help burn calories. When the body gets the water it needs to function optimally, its fluids are perfectly balanced. When this happens you have reached the “breakthrough point”. Endocrine gland function improves…Fluid retention is alleviated as stored water is lost…. More fat is used as fuel because the liver is free to metabolize stored fat. If you stop drinking enough water your body fluids will be thrown out of balance again, and you may experience fluid retention and unexplained weight gain. To remedy the situation, you’ll have to go back and force another “breakthrough”. DRINK THE WATER!!!!!!! www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline Page # 15 The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care. Did You Know? • Everyday more money is printed for the game Monopoly than the US Treasury. • Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. • Coca-Cola was originally green. • The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska • The percentage of Africa that is wilderness - 28%; the percentage in North America that is still wilderness is 38%. • The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour - 61.000 • Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. • The first novel ever written on a typewriter is ‘Tom Sawyer.’ • The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monument • Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David; Hearts - Charlemagne; Clubs - Alexander, the Great; Diamonds - Julius Caesar. • 111.111.111 x 111.111.111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 • If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. • Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock and Charles Thompson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later. • Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? Their birthplace. • Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? Obsession. • If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter ‘A’? One thousand. • What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common? All were invented by women. • What is the only food that doesn’t spoil? Honey. • Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year? Father’s Day. • In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress, tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phase...’Good night, sleep tight.’ • It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years go that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his on-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon. • In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts...So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartenders would yell at them, ‘Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.’ It’s where we get the phrase ‘mind your P’s and Q’s’. • Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic ups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get service. ‘Wet your whistle’ is the phrase inspired by this practice. • At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

You know you are living in 2012 when... 1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave. 2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 4. You email the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have email addresses. 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 7. Every commercial on the television has a website at the bottom of the screen 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go back to get it. 9. You get up in the morning and go online of check your phone before getting your coffee. 10. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

Page # 16 www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care. BOOK REVIEW

‘The Foster Parenting Toolbox’ When I was asked to review. ‘The Foster Parenting Toolbox’, I thought to myself that the book would probably be boring since I have 27 years as a foster parent and 37 years in the child protection field as my background. After beginning to read the book, I quickly knew I was dead wrong! I didn’t want to put the book down until I had completed it. Where was this book when I was fostering and adopting children? Everyone involved in the child protection system needs to read this book, to include judges, attorneys ad lit em and therapists. This book is a true gift to the child protection system. Irene Clements, President, TFFA & NFPA ______

This Was My House First I just finished a book that speaks to the feelings of biological children in a foster family. This is a work of fiction, but in the course of telling a compelling story, the author’s insights into the foster mother’s children and their feelings about their family being a foster family appears to be accurate and very informative. Certainly, the insights into the children placed into the foster family as foster children are also very accurate and disturbing.

The author is a tenured foster parent and a special education teacher. As you read the story you will understand that she has probably used some situations that happened in her foster family to help illustrate her points. I found I couldn’t put the book down and wanted to continue reading the book to the surprising conclusion. I recommend this book to foster parents and also for children of foster parents, probably 4th graders and older. This book should create valuable discussions between foster parents and their biological children while providing insights into conversations foster parents should have with their very young children as they grow older. My ten year old granddaughter is reading the book and is really enjoying it. This is note worthy because she does not enjoy reading, so kudos to the author of this book.

This Was My House First by Jenifer Stockdale, M. Ed. Copyright 2012 by Jenifer Stockdale ISBN: 978-1-105-10282-0 Published by Jenifer Stockdale Printed and bound in the United States by CreateSpace https://www.createspace.com/3847384 ______

The Biological Kid’s Guide to Surviving Life in a Foster Home

Jenifer has a Master’s Degree in Special Education and has worked with students ranging from emotional disturbances to behavioral disorders to intellectual disabilities. She is the mother of two grown children and has a beautiful six month old granddaughter. Jenifer was a foster parent to children for ten years and for adults for five years. She recently married her best friend. Jenifer wrote This Was My House First and The Biological Kid’s Guide to Surviving Life in a Foster Home because when her children were young, she couldn’t find any good resources for them about being the biological child in a foster home. She recently discovered that this is still the case, so she decided to write two books on the topic, one fiction and the other non-fiction.

The Biological Kid’s Guide to Surviving Life in a Foster Home by Jenifer Stockdale, M. Ed. http://www.createspace.com/3847732 Book review by Irene Clements, President, TFFA & NFPA www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline Page # 17 The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care. NFPA Board Member David Sharp (Chairman NFPAs NationalAdvocate Advertising Policy: of the Public Policy Committee) supported The National Foster Parent Association’s publication, the the National Foster Care Month of May by NationalAdvocate, is published quarterly (March, June, traveling to Washington D.C. and collaborating September, and December) and posted on the NFPA with, and advocating for, the FFTA (Foster website. Family based Treatment Association). He was invited to the White House to discuss critical This publication is then available to the over 125,000 Federal legislation, regulations, and upcoming foster families, kinship families, and adoptive families reforms that are impacting treatment foster and other resource families across the U.S. and to others care. Administration officials, Congressional interested in the foster care system. staff, policy experts, and advocates discussed with David how these policy issues are Ad’s are accepted by the issue or on an annual basis. impacting States, agencies, and the children and families we serve. Ad Requirements: • Ad must be camera ready and sent as an attachment, David represented the NFPA by attending an in PDF format, in an email to [email protected] or afternoon scheduled at the White House for [email protected], the NFPA Editor. an informational session with officials from • Ads must be family friendly and will be published at the discretion of the Editor and the NFPA the Administration, CMS, and the Academy of Communication Committee. Pediatrics. He met with U.S. Congresswoman • Deadline for Ad/article/information submission is Michelle Bachmann (R) and U.S. Congressman the 15th of February, May, August, and November. Spencer Bachus (R) in their respective offices • Payments are to be mailed to NFPA [2021 East covering topics from the Congressional Caucus Hennepin Avenue, Suite 320 / Minneapolis, MN on Foster Youth (Cosponsored by Bachmann) 55413] and are expected within one week of to the Foster Parent Bill of Rights, and issues submitting the Ad. surrounding the FFTA Institute.

Rates: Most Institute attendees are agency executives, Non-Member of NFPA program directors, and other professionals who • $300 for a single issue full-page Ad (8.5x11) are concerned with how public policy impacts • $175 for a single issue half-page Ad (8.5x5.5) funding and access to services. They attend the FFTA Institute to receive timely information on OR Federal policies, learn what other executives • $900 for an Annual full-page Ad (all issues) are experiencing in their own states, and bring • $500 for an Annual half-page Ad (all issues) their passion for helping children and youth to the steps of Member of NFPA Capitol Hill. Some • $150 for a single issue full-page Ad (8.5x11) participants are • $100 for a single issue half-page Ad (8.5x5.5) experienced advocates OR and others are • $450 for an Annual full-page Ad (all issues) bringing the voice • $325 for an Annual half-page Ad (all issues) Annual rates may include a link on the NFPA website to of vulnerable the Advertiser’s website upon request of the Advertiser children to Capitol and approved by the Communication Committee Chair. Hill for the very first time. Visit the NFPA website at www.nfpaonline.org for Membership.

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Join NFPA as a Regular Member - Today!

This level of membership is available to all foster parents, child welfare personnel, and individuals concerned with the welfare of children. Regular members have the right to vote on all matters brought to the members of the association, and each receives information about the national activities of the association. Cost: $35 a Year! REALLY! What a bargain!

Join now! OR you can show your support of NFPA by being a Friend of NFPA. Friends of NFPA has three areas of Support:

• Friends of NFPA: ADVOCATE LEVEL Fee: $15 per Month Your Name or Company Name listed on the NFPA Website Your Name or Company Name listed in the NFPA publication, The NationalAdvocate Automatic membership renewal every year.

• Friends of NFPA: HERO LEVEL Fee: $25 per Month Your Name or Company Name listed on the NFPA Website Your Name or Company Name listed in the NFPA publication, The NationalAdvocate 10% Discount on NFPA Conference Registration Fee

• Friends of NFPA: CHAMPION LEVEL Fee: $50 per Month Your Name or Company Name listed on the NFPA Website Your Name or Company Name listed on the NFPA publication, The NationalAdvocate 15% Discount on NFPA Conference Registration Fee FREE Subscription to Fostering Families Today magazine Invitation to Champions Reception at the Annual NFPA Conference

www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline Page # 19 The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care. made by the person actually providing the daily care for IRS News the child can the situation be investigated.

As the primary voluntary caretakers of children in foster This oversight in the regulations needs to be changed to care, the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) allows foster ensure that a child’s actual caretaker, rather than a person parents to claim the children in their care on their federal who simply has access to the child’s social security taxes. However, in the past decade, in an effort to prevent number, receives the tax benefit. Fortunately, there is divorced parents from both claiming children on their a straightforward solution that will fix the situation: taxes, the IRS has begun requiring all parents to provide expand the availability of Adoption Temporary Taxpayer the children’s social security numbers on their tax forms. Identification Numbers (ATIN) to foster parents.

According to a senior IRS official, this has resulted in ATIN’s are routinely issued by the Internal Revenue a dramatic decrease in “double dipping” by divorced Service as temporary taxpayer identification numbers parents. where the pre‐adopting taxpayers will be adopting within the next two years and do not have and/or are unable This new requirement has inadvertently prevented foster to obtain the child’s Social Security Number. Allowing parents from claiming children in their care on their foster parents to request and receive ATIN’s would federal taxes because the Social Security Administration eliminate the need to obtain the child’s original social has a memorandum of understanding with states that security number and permit foster parents to legitimately prevents the states from sharing social security numbers and appropriately claim tax deductions for children in with foster parents in an effort to protect children’s their care. It would also protect the children’s privacy privacy. Foster parents cannot claim children without by limiting access to their social security numbers. This access to social security numbers. This means that any simple change would increase tax fairness for foster birth family member with the child’s social security families, protect children, eliminate fraudulent claims by number may claim the child on his taxes and there is no non‐custodial parents and would not have a large federal way to track or stop this. Only when a counter claim is fiscal impact.

What’s A Blog? ‘A blog is a personal diary; A daily pulpit; A collaborative space; A political soapbox; A breaking-news outlet; A collection of links; Your own private thoughts; Memos to the world. A blog is whatever you want it to be. There are millions of them, in all shapes and sizes, and there are no real rules. In simple terms, a blog is a website, where you write stuff on an ongoing basis. New stuff shows up at the top, so visitors can read what’s new. Then they comment on it or link to it or email you. Or not. Since Blogger was launched in 1999, blogs have reshaped the web, impacted politics, shaken up journalism, and enabled millions of people to have a voice and connect with others. And we’re pretty sure the whole deal is just getting started.’

oin-in the NFPA Blog! J For those of you unfamiliar with our blog it is a way for NFPA to communicate organizational information along with other information important to foster parents. The best thing about this blog is that it provides an opportunity for you to share information about fostering with other foster parents all over our country. Feel free to contribute information that you have read or post comments on what you feel are important issues facing foster parents today.

Here is your opportunity to be heard. We look forward to some lively dialogue from all foster parents. Check it out HERE.

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TheNational Foster Parent Association (NFPA) is working with the Parents Translational Research Center (PTRC) at the Treatment Research Institute (TRI) to conduct a national survey of foster /resource parents’ experiences and views on adolescent alcohol and other drug use. A survey link (to an electronic survey) should have arrived in your email Inbox the week of the NFPA National Education Conference (June 15-18). As a licensed /certified foster /resource parent, we want to know about your fostering experiences, what you know and think about adolescent alcohol and other drug use, and what types of training experiences you have had.

The survey will take about 30-45 minutes to complete and you will be paid for your participation.

Also see Page 11 www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline Page # 21 The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care. Wondering About Autism: The Language of Autism

This is a first installment in a series of articles on autism based on the book –The Unspoken Truth About Autism: A New Look at the Etiology and Treatment of Autism Spectrum Disorders by Karen Savlov, Psy.D.

Autism is like being trapped in a maze. Within this maze, it is dark and scary. You can see out, but no one can see in. You are in a perpetual state of terror with no access to others or a way out. You feel the walls closing in and can do nothing about it. You are screaming inside, but nobody can hear your screams. You are frantic. You keep running in circles to no avail. Alas, you run out of steam. It is futile, hopeless, and depressing. It is no use. No one can see you. You have become a lost child forever. You have become forgotten. Lost in a never-never land. It is a never-ending hell on earth. The only thing you can do is wait and hope that you will be discovered.

Lisa, 19, is telling us about her experience with autism. As you can see she is very articulate about her experience. We have worked together for over seven years. When we first started working together she was high- functioning, but had limited relationships with others. Today she attends college, has some friends and lives in a college dorm. Presently she would probably be diagnosed with Asperger’s. Her experience with autism can seem foreign to some and recognizable by others. We sense desperateness in her. She lives in a constant state of fear, which is exhibited by high levels of anxiety. She talks about feeling hopeless with no known way to manage her situation. Ironically, she can see outside of herself, but realizes others cannot see the inside of her. Thus, she feels forgotten and alone. Our job is to understand her predicament and help her to see herself and eventually not feel alone.

Over the past 15 years, people beyond the autism community have become more and more aware of this disorder. We have also seen a shift with many more children receiving this diagnosis. I will not speculate why this is occurring and leave that up to others who are researching such trends. Within these articles, I will help to inform you of a new way to view autism and give you specific techniques to help you understand and manage those within your care that have an autism spectrum disorder. It is important to note that there are many different points of view about autism, what it is and is not. These writings will present an alternative minority point of view that at this time is not known by many inside and outside the autism community.

This article will help to de-mystify the language of autism, the next article will discuss the treatment of autism spectrum disorders (ASD), the third will discuss a new look at the cause of autism and finally the last article will discuss how one actually relates to those with autism. I will use actual examples to help you apply the material in these articles. As a point of reference, I have had more than twenty-five years of experience working with those with autism and additionally I have had first-hand knowledge of how hard it is to live with autism.

De-mystifying the Language of Autism To obtain one’s needs and to exist happily in one’s family, community, and beyond are dependent on the ability to verbally communicate directly. As non-autistic individuals, we can access words to communicate our needs and express our feelings. The child with ASD, depending on his functioning level, has anywhere from extremely limited (nonexistent in some) to some ability to ask for his needs to be met.

When a lower-functioning individual with autism speaks, most would say that the communications of this individual appears bizarre, nonsensical, and not meaning driven. In actuality, these so-called bizarre communications are actually the only means of communication available to the child. In other words, his body is talking for him. It is critical for caregivers to recognize these communications for what they are—communications from the unconscious—and to develop techniques that appreciate understanding the child from this perspective. They are considered unconscious communications because the child in his dissociated state is unaware (unconscious) of the deeper meaning. Yet, when understood by

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the caregiver at the deeper level, the child’s internal self will implicitly feel recognized and, in turn, the child will feel validated. Relational techniques that are used with people with autism such as DIR/Floortime, Reflective Network Therapy, and Attachment Relational Therapy are examples of treatment modalities that incorporate such techniques. The child with ASD is always telling us what is going on within him by his seemingly bizarre behavior. As caregivers, we need to learn to listen to these unconscious messages.

Individuals with ASD communicate in many variations. Some with ASD are nonverbal, others will use echolalia, some reverse their pronouns, and others, as mentioned previously, simply appear “bizarre” in their communication. Those ways of communicating can easily make sense if we imagine a hierarchy of communication. As the child develops, we notice his communication moving from nonverbal, to echolalia (repeating what he hears), to metaphorical/symbolic communication, to the reversal of pronouns (the use of “you,” to mean “I”) then “me,” and finally “I”. There is overlap in this hierarchy—some children never appear, for example, to have been nonverbal or echolalia. Again, the type of communication used will depend on the general functioning level of the child.

Keep in mind as you read this article that I am talking about autism as an attachment systems developmental disorder (This description will be discussed in the third article in this series). All our efforts will be to help the child with ASD develop a sustained attachment with you and others.

Metaphorical Communication: Understanding the Dictionary of Autism Metaphorical communication is the means by which the individual with autism communicates. According to my understanding of autism, the physical body of the child becomes the means to communicate his daily needs and, interestingly as well, his metaphorical/developmental needs. Another example may be helpful. The typically developing child may say, “I want to spend time with you.” The child with ASD may not be able to ask for this, but instead, may hit the caregiver. From the caregiver’s perspective, this may feel like an assault. From my perspective, this may be the only means the child has at that moment to express his desire to spend time with the caregiver.

Thus, the body becomes the vehicle, through the use of gestures, to communicate what cannot be communicated directly with words. Typically, this type of communication has two meanings: a concrete meaning, such as a desire to spend time with the caregiver, and a developmental need, such as the need for a “connection/attachment.” On the surface, this second need may seem similar to the first, but actually it is much deeper and fundamentally more important to the development of the child. This need to be deeply understood helps the child with autism acquire a sustained attachment with others. Unfortunately, for those with autism, they are typically only understood concretely and not at this metaphorically deeper level.

Thus far, I have been talking about the use of gestures as the vehicle for communication for the individual with autism. As a child with ASD develops and begins to use words, we begin to observe metaphorical (symbolic) language. This type of language is different than the concrete use of language that most people are familiar with. Instead, it is entirely metaphoric and needs to be understood symbolically. As with the understanding of gestures, metaphoric language needs to be understood so the child can feel understood and develop.

An example may be helpful to explain this phenomenon. In this case, a young girl would www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline Page # 23 The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care.

continuously repeat the phrase from a commercial, “I am Chiquita Banana and I am here to say….” She would stop and go no further with the commercial jingle and then repeat the phrase over and over again. Typically, someone working with this child might say, “You are not Chiquita Banana, you are Jane. Tell me your name, Jane.” Jane would persist with repeating the phrase, “I am Chiquita Banana and I am here to say….” We have an interaction that seems to go nowhere. What is Jane trying to tell us metaphorically? At first glance, it appears that Jane is repeating a commercial phrase she heard. It appears to be nonsensical. But from a metaphorical perspective, Jane is telling us exactly what is going on within her. She might be saying, “I am here, but I cannot say anything.” Thus, she is telling us, “I cannot communicate” by utilizing symbolic language from the unconscious. Jane needs her caregivers to appreciate this deeper meaning and give her feedback that they understand what she is saying metaphorically. It is this type of understanding that will help her gain a sustained attachment and develop beyond autism. How do we know how to interpret the metaphorical language of an individual with ASD? It takes practice and the understanding of the particular child over time. It will be an exercise in trial and error to know exactly what a particular child is trying to communicate. The child will let you know through his actions that he feels understood.

One way to conceptualize this phenomenon is to think of autism as having a metaphorical dictionary that is different than meanings found in Websters’. Instead, this dictionary consists of meaningful gestures, metaphoric words, symbols, and even poetry. Once the child can be understood developmentally via metaphor, he will in turn be able to form an attachment and enter a more concrete world. Of course, the phenomenon of communicating on two levels is true for all human beings. The difference for the individual with ASD is that his development is dependent on being understood on both these levels.

Interpreting Metaphorical Communication A child with autism is always communicating his state of existence. Unfortunately, for children with ASD, most typical individuals perceive these communications from their own lens. This population (individuals with ASD) does not have the ability to sustain an attachment with others, so we need to let go of our preconceived ideas of what we feel the child needs and, in turn, learn how to interpret the child’s bodily and metaphorical messages and so-called strange patterns of communication. In working with children with autism, many try to extinguish the “odd” behaviors of the child. In doing so, we are not understanding the message the child is trying to communicate through these behaviors. Unfortunately, we are helping him to feel misunderstood versus understood and unseen versus seen. Instead, these communications need to be understood within the context of a child who does not know how to sustain an attachment with others and cannot use himself to communicate. He cannot access his feelings and use them with others. Every behavior the child uses can be understood and must be understood so that the child can gain understanding and recognition, which are precursors to sustaining an attachment with others. Our work with the child with ASD is to understand, validate, accept, and recognize him. If the caregiver can recognize and see the child, then the child can start to see himself.

Examples may help the reader to understand how the behaviors of an individual with ASD can be understood. I visited a three year-old nonverbal boy who had never been seen to play appropriately with his toys. In observing him, I noticed he was picking his lips. Instead of telling him to stop picking his lips, I said, “You are telling me that something is going on around your lips with your inability to talk.” He looked at me and then played appropriately

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with a toy. I did not try to extinguish his behavior, but instead I validated something inside of him that resonated for him. He felt recognized, which allowed him to play appropriately. I worked with another boy who liked to watch videos. He had certain ones he wanted to make sure I saw. One day, he showed me a video that explained a complicated family dynamic. I interpreted the dynamic as it related to his family. As I was able to do that, he could begin to talk about his own personal experiences. These are examples of how one interprets and uses projection (to be discussed in the second article in this series) with children with ASD to help them gain access to their feelings.

In conclusion, the perseverations, the out-of-context communications, the use of pronoun reversal, echolalia, and nonverbal communication can be understood through this new lens, which I call an Incomplete Attachment.

Dr. Savlov is available for consultation and trainings (no fee). She welcomes and encourages your questions and comments. She can be reached through e-mail at karensavlov@gmail. com or at (310) 202-0114. She believes that dialogue leads to understanding. Her book – The Unspoken Truth About Autism: A New Look at the Etiology and Treatment of Autism Spectrum Disorders is available on Amazon and Kindle.

Autism...Continued from Page 4

Savlov continues to tell us that “autism can inform our specializes in autism spectrum disorders, depression understanding of typical psychological development. and anxiety among other topics, and she is affiliated with In fact, autism can be viewed as a window into human the Institute of Contemporary Psychoanalysis. Savlov development. In other words, autism is not only an has worked for many years with children, adolescents attachment relational disorder, but it is also a slowed- and adults, providing individual treatment, trainings and down version of typical psychological development.” support groups for those affected by autism as well as groups for college-age students with developmental Savlov’s career has centered around autism for over 25 disabilities. She has also worked at University of years, and she has seen research grow by leaps and California, Los Angeles as the manager of organizational bounds over that time. She hopes her readers consider development. her book a serious addition to the array of books in the field of autism, and that it can be used to provide CONTACT Dr. Karen Savlov Email: caregivers/parents and professionals the practical [email protected] Phone: (310) 202- knowledge that will help them in assisting children with 0114 Website: www.karensavlov.com autism. REVIEW COPIES AND INTERVIEWS ARE “The Unspoken Truth About Autism: A New Look at the AVAILABLE###The views and opinions expressed in Etiology and Treatment of Autism Spectrum Disorders” this press release do not necessarily represent the views is available for sale online at Amazon.com and through and opinions of NFPA or its affiliates. other channels.

About the Author: Dr. Karen Savlov is a licensed marriage and family therapist with a doctorate in psychoanalysis and practices in Los Angeles. She

www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline Page # 25 The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care. There are more ticks in more places than ever before. Tick encounter rates are soaring, and news reports exclaim that 2012 is expected to bring epic risks for Lyme disease transmission. Here are 5 key ways to keep yourself and family protected throughout the tick-infested summer months… “T” - Remove Ticks Safely To safely remove attached ticks, first disinfect the area with an alcohol swab. Next, using a pointy tweezer, grab the tick "head" as close to the skin as possible and simply pull straight out. Remember to disinfect the bite site again after pulling the tick out. “I” - Encourage Daily Tick Checks The best time to do a full body tick check is right after ending outdoor activity. A more convenient time would be as you prepare to shower or bathe before going to bed. Prompt removal of most species of ticks can prevent transmission of tick-borne pathogens. It takes more than 24-36 hours of attachment for nymphal deer ticks to transmit Lyme disease bacteria, and even longer to transmit Babesia parasites. “C” Wear Insect Shield® Tick Repellent Clothing Insect Shield’s EPA- registered technology converts clothing and gear into effective and convenient insect protection. The repellency is long-lasting and appropriate for use by the entire family with no restrictions for use. www.insectshield.com http://www.insectshield.com/work/ Casual-Wear-C18.aspx “K” Identify and Avoid Tick Habitats Shady, wooded and weedy edges are favorite spots for ticks to hang out. Avoiding tick habitats can be difficult but there are plenty of ways - such as always walking in the middle of maintained trails - to limit tick encounters. More: http://pitchengine.com/insectshieldrepellenttechnology/tick-battle- continues-5-key-ways-to-help-avoid-disease-this-summer Contact: Janine Robertson 206-354-9093 [email protected]

Children Learn What They Live If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn. If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight. If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy. If a child learns to feel shame, he learns to feel guilty.

If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient. If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence. If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate. If a child lives with fairness, he learns to have faith. If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself, He learns to find love in the world. By Dorothy Law Neite

Page # 26 www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care. the past several years I have been to work out so they are constantly MODERN MOMS ARE STRESSED: trying to establish a business and I trying to shed that extra few pounds. I face so many challenges work non-stop as it is just getting off Stay-at-home moms have to shed as a married mom of four, trying the ground. a few pounds because we eat our to build a company. We just never Dispelling a few myths: kids’ food. I didn’t eat Kraft macaroni have a drama-free week. Forgotten When I was a stay-at-home mom, and cheese for 15 years and I swore meds, wrong shirt on field trip these were some of the things I I would never feed it to my kids but day, wrong clothes/shoes for after worried about: they love it so I make it (a lot) and school sports. And then several 1. All anyone asks about are my end up eating too much! times a year planning, traveling and kids – how they are, camps, Moms’ stress shows up as bitten handling the aftermath of family trips activities etc.. I ceased to be an and chipped fingernails and roots or an occasional weekend away with individual on my own merits with that need to be touched up. I guess my husband. It’s a constant game of interests and opinions. the bottom line is stay-at-home and cat and mouse. 2. I felt others expected me to help working moms are stressed out and When my phone rings and more at school as I didn’t have a largely about the same things, so we certain numbers crop up, I cringe. job and the working moms had can all agree to one code? But I have to answer because I am more important things to do. Proposed Modern “Mom Code”: a Mom. This week I was gone for 48 3. My kids are far from perfect and • Lose some of the “judgy-ness”. hours at a conference and my house since I was “at home” and this is No putting down a working did not run smoothly. There are too my only job, I must not be a very mom or a stay-at-home mom. many “little catches” I make that good mom. Everyone is where they are cannot be explained in an instruction because of a journey. If you letter to the wonderful baby-sitter. As a working mom, I worry: don’t know someone’s story, I am not a creature of habit – I 1. I have one of those “naughty don’t put her down. am a “catcher” by habit. I catch children” despite very active • And, let’s have a little more everyone’s problems and stresses. parenting and I imagine the openness about what being a I am the absorber of stress. And other moms saying, “maybe if “good mom” is – people have when I answer the phone, there is she was home more, he would gone overboard making other always an issue requiring immediate behave.” moms feel bad about choices attention. 2. I don’t have the time or such as organic versus not, or We need a “Modern Mom Code”: ingredients to bake for the class. watching TV or playing video I’ve heard of a “man code” many Sometimes I even buy cakes games and using electronics. times. Okay I get it, there are some from the store, cut it into little • And, limit the Mama Drama and unwritten rules that should be pieces, add a berry and put in handle issues as close to the adhered to if you are a stand-up guy. different packaging. source as possible so people I, for one, am a stressed-out working 3. I get so caught up with work don’t have to take sides – mom and I believe a “Mom’s code” sometimes I forget things like mommy wars are the worst. The could help us all. I sent a survey parent-teacher conferences drama makes us look bad as to 40 women and got lots of great and field trips so I lay awake moms and women. responses. endlessly running to-do lists • It’s okay and sometimes fun to An important issue surfaced: through my head. talk about people but let’s have working moms versus stay-at-home 4. When I was a stay-at-home some limits. moms and could “the code” apply mom, I worried working moms • Let’s get out and have fun. to both. I was a stay-at-home mom did not really respect me. Now Make time for a girls’ night with for 6 years. I left the work force that I am a working mom, I a fun group at least every other when my oldest, at the time three worry stay-at-home moms don’t month. There will always be a and a half, needed open heart respect me. But here is the business trip or fever causing surgery. Then we ended up moving truth -each side is just a little someone to cancel but make it to Seoul, South Korea when we had intimidated by the other. as often as you can. We need to four children, aged three months As a stay-at-home mom I wore a share a glass of wine and some to five years old. So I was a stay- ponytail most days because I could stories. Carpooling and taking at-home wife and mom and did not squeeze in a rinse off shower but taxis are a good idea for Moms know if I would ever go back to the blow-drying took too much time. But night out if people are drinking. workforce. I was wildly busy trying I was in better shape because I got The wine can disappear as the to keep a sane life, living a foreign to work out. Working moms really stories unfold. country. Now, back in the US for struggle with making enough time • Let’s Save her. Schedule www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline Page # 27 The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care. glitches happen all the time and interests and insights. Maybe • It’s not always as it appears. it may be one of the biggest share a weakness (my child won’t I have one of those “naughty stresses moms face. Put yourself practice or always forgets the children” but I am not a bad out to help a mom when she right shoes). We all share more parent. Be empathetic and try misses something and is trying to issues than we think. to get to know her child and recover- take a picture of her kid • Let’s all get a little more wired notice something nice about him/ at the event, pick up one of her as Moms. Join the social media her. This mom frets every day kids and take them to your house, world even if you don’t want to – about this child so your saying stay with her child if she is late because your kids live there now. something nice actually gives her picking up from practice. See it as Staying safe on-line is becoming hope this child might be okay. If paying it forward and don’t keep a bigger part of our parenting jobs the mom is truly a bad parent, score. and it is here to stay. Tech-savvy well… that is a different story. Go • Rejoice in her small successes moms, get your friends up to ahead and talk about her but be and lessen her pain. When a speed. nice to her children. proud mom talks about one • Just say no to pets at the wrong • Stand by your girlfriends when of her kids’ accomplishments, time. Family pets are great but they experience momentary respond with at least 1 statement they add a whole new level weakness. Every once in a while, acknowledging how wonderful of drama to the house. They everyone feels like they’ve been her child is before you jump in have allergies, ear infections, tossed in the gutter with her with a proud story about one of ticks and fleas, accidents, etc. undone roots exposed to the yours. On the other hand, when a It’s expensive in both time and world. She needs to vent and mom shares an awful story about money. If you do not want a feel like someone understands one of her child’s misbehaviors dog right now, don’t get strong- her stress and angst. This does and/or bad decisions respond armed by child begging for the not count for drama-creating immediately with an equally puppy because yes, you will be queens but for your friends in a horrifying story about one of taking care of 95% of the stuff bad moment. We all go through yours. associated with its care. cycles – bad times are inevitable • Make her feel like a good • Involve the husbands. Okay let’s and everyone needs a reliable Mom. If you see her child in a talk a little about husbands… I shoulder once in a while. And if game, piano recital, anything… love mine-- a lot in fact, but they your friend’s husband puts her acknowledge her child. Just a are not usually the big helpers down at a group event, come to “nice job” or “wow looking good” they think they are (but as part her defense in a cheerful way. goes a long way and the Mom is of the code, let’s not tell them). Or compliment her to remind him endlessly grateful. None of our Nonetheless, we need more how lucky he is to have her. children are perfect. date nights. Our mates help us • We share 90% of the same • Have a group of friends you remember the women we are, issues but in different degrees. So trust and really talk to. Share and, romance is the ultimate let’s unite. Plan your girl’s night information about camps, school stress reducer. Also remember, out. And if your husband says, activities, volunteer information, not all of us have husbands… “okay I’ll baby-sit,” just smile and doctors, etc.. Many activities or include the single mom (for girls store it away as another great events are word of mouth and night out, not the date). She story working moms may get left off the needs a night out and a friend Eileen Wacker, a Harvard Business list. more than anyone. School graduate, lived and worked in • Let’s establish a non-competition • Let’s band together against Mom seven different countries, including clause. Build each other up tormentors. A few I can think the United States. She commuted to instead of one-upping. Everyone of – coaches with no empathy, Asia for nearly three years as part of has something they are good at teachers who do not like children, a business development team, which and it is different for everyone – customer service reps that don’t sparked her interest in Asian culture. good athlete, good listener, good like people, apathetic government Wacker now resides in Honolulu, at her job, great with kids, etc.. personnel who are supposed Hawaii, with her husband and four • Ask stay-at-home mom about to help but instead torment us children, one of whom is a daughter her interests, social media (TSA). Also when an airline adopted from China. participation, past jobs etc. passenger is giving a mother with For more information please visit her • Make the stay-at-home mom feel small children the stink eye, give website: http://www.oncekids like more than Ethan’s Mom or it right back to that person and Rich’s wife. She has opinions, help the overwhelmed Mom. Page # 28 www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care.

Top Five Ways to Prevent "Summer Learning Loss" & Support Your Child's Summertime Learning www.SummerMatters2You.net

Read to your children, or encourage your children to read, books recommended by their teachers, your local library and online summer reading lists. Sign up for your library’s Summer Reading Program, which offers incentives for summer reading.

Visit free local resources that are both entertaining and educational, such as libraries, parks, museums, universities and community centers.

Play fun math and word games that turn everyday activities into learning opportunities. For example, have your kids add up prices at the store and see if they can tally up the final bill.

When going on drives, challenge them to look for certain shapes, colors, letters or words on billboards and signs.

Ask your children’s teachers to recommend online educational worksheets and activities that you can download for free.

Turn off the TV (or at least limit the amount of screen time) and keep your kids moving with activities that encourage learning as well as physical activity. For example, organize a scavenger hunt that takes them around a local playground, park or museum. www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline Page # 29 The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care. BULLYING DECODED: The Economics of could not care less about what we think of them. They Abuse BY EDWARD KASPAR mock us and our weepy hand-wringing. They sense our weakness. There is an incredible darkness surrounding the Bullies are hooked on the thrill of causing another issue of bullying. It is a darkness of malice and of silence human being to suffer in some way. That is the transaction - malice on the part of bullies; silence on the part of those they seek: bring down someone in some way and in charge, namely, the school boards and the police. consequently experience a thrill that is known only to disturbed souls. I was recently invited to take part in a radio talk show discussion on bullying on CKNX radio out of Ontario, So, what can we, as a society, hope to do about Canada. The host, Bill Townsend, sent me an email before this? In my book, BULLYING DECODED: The Economics the show with a link to a story in the Toronto Sun (April of Abuse, I use harsh language and to-the-point street talk 19 and 20). It would break the heart of any normal to shine a bright light on these miscreants and suggest human being. A perfectly innocent 10 year old boy, Jake (often tongue-in-cheek), what might be done to mitigate Gamble, had been blind-sided by a bully and suffered a the damages that are always strewn in their wake. Early serious concussion with possible life-long consequences. His mother said that Jake had “lost his smile”. It was and they are all serial offenders. a cowardly, evil act by an older boy who had a well- identification is the first step. Bullies get started early, documented history of bullying. It happened on school Offenders should be required to attend counseling property. that is open to public review. It should deal with issues such as lack of self-esteem and narcissism and I was struck dumb by the enormity of the crime the perverted thrill that bullies seek because of their that had been committed and the absolutely inexcusable problems. The student body should be made aware at response of those in charge. Eventually, the victim and his every level that bullies have “issues” with self esteem -- family became ostracized by the school board -- silence they don’t like themselves and they take it out on others. fell -- go away with your questions and complaints, The offenders who are required to be counseled daily they were told -- they were no longer welcome at their should be known to all. It would be a deterrent. It would be all about accountability. It would be a measure of Justice. neighborhoodJustice requir school.es a They proper had answer to find toanother. this crime and the thousands of others like it that are taking place under The “anti-litigation” code of silence and inaction on our watch. We are standing by helplessly, mouthing “zero the part of the school system must be broken. The process tolerance” nonsense and doing absolutely nothing about it. must be open. We all know what can come of ignoring evil -- the Catholic Church is paying a heavy price for that now Bill Townsend correctly pointed out that the school and they are changing. We need to change things also. We system went into “anti-litigation” mode. Well, they should need to protect the Jake Gambles of the world. be litigated into the real world so they open up and show us real programs in place that have real teeth in them. In conclusion I would say that this subject is so heartbreakingly dark that it seems to be overwhelming the The bully in the Jake Gamble case was clearly a national consciousness at the moment. That is probably repeat offender. Aren’t they all? He had injured other due to the wide publicity these all-too-common crimes are children and was known to be a threat. But he had receiving on the internet. absolutely no reason to stop doing what he was doing. There had been no consequences. Perhaps we can make a difference. That is the hope. Bullies love it that people are scared of them. They hurt people intentionally and they love that too. They are getting away with it and that is what they love most of TO ORDER THIS BOOK, Click HERE all. We who are talking about it are accomplishing pretty much nothing -- we are talking to each other. Bullies TO SEE MORE, Click HERE

Page # 30 www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care. Emotional Projects—Rebuilding Closeness Step by Step By Hand in Hand Founder, Patty Wipfler It’s trying when your child has upsets again and again over the same darned issue! Perhaps it’s being afraid to go into an upstairs room alone, refusing to share during play dates, hating homework, whining first thing every single morning, waking in the night, dawdling endlessly through every transition, or attacking a sibling again and again. You’ve got an emotional project on the table when your child does one nutty, difficult or out-of-touch thing again and again, and you’re coming to wits’ end. Both of you are involved—your child seems to have the problem, according to our time-honored tradition of pinning responsibility on children when they have difficulties. But when you look carefully, you realize that you, too, are emotionally spent. You have no patience, no new ideas, and at some point, you don’t want to understand your child. You just want him or her to stop. The one thing your child can’t do. She’s emotionally exhausted in this area, too. In an emotional project, both you and your child are caught in a downward spiral. Both you and your child need help. Couples have emotional projects; friends sometimes have emotional projects. No one is at fault—the difficulties are there to be solved, and it’s a waste to assign blame. However, it almost always feels like the other person is at fault, and should take the initiative to change things. That mindset is trouble. If the other person knew how to change things, they would. Your child would love to feel close and relaxed with you! She would love to feel safe in every room of your house. She would love to share her things with other children. She would love to jump in and do her homework, preserving more time for play in her afternoon and evening. She would love to sleep through the night, move easily with you through the day’s routine, and to enjoy and appreciate her sibling. She’s proven that, right now, she can’t. So it’s your move, Mom. Your move, Dad. At this ragged point, almost any move you make may be full of irritation. You’re going to expect the worst, rather than the best. Your teeth will be set on edge just by looking at your child, just by hearing her voice. So the first move you need to make is for help from another adult. Help! That thing all parents try so hard to do entirely without. It’s good to ask for help. It’s good to acknowledge that you’ve had it. It’s good to say, “I’m so mad I could spit nails!” or “I’m so worried about my son!” or “All he has to do is look at me wrong, and I fly off the handle.” This is what Listening Partnerships are for. This is the very smart first step in tackling an emotional project. Notice what goes on inside you. Don’t assume it’s your cross to bear. Find a listener, talk about it, and see if you can find the tears, find the fears, find the laughter as you let yourListening Partner know exactly what talk runs around in your mind, and what emotional heat runs through you. Release the feelings. Tell someone, and show them what enters your mind during these moments. It won’t be pretty, but it will be a relief not to deal with it all by yourself. Do this more than once. Weekly listening time is a good goal to shoot for. If it’s a big emotional project, that’s been festering for a long time, more frequent listening time might be in order. You’ll figure it out. In any case, don’t assume that there’s something wrong with you because you have asked for and arranged for help. We’re not supposed to do everything in our lives all by ourselves! In particular, parenting is a job that is almost never done better alone. When you need help, seek it out proudly. Seek it out persistently. Seek it out when you’re merely tired, long before you’ve uttered your very last patient sentence. Children who have emotional projects rarely finish them quickly. Emotional projects stem from fearful times, from illnesses, from times a parent was not able to help. And sometimes, they come from heaven knows where! But children don’t cook them up to be hard on us. They don’t want to be difficult. They don’t intend to drive us nuts. They have some kind of emotional thorn lodged deep within them that hurts them every single day. That’s what they’re telling us with their rigid, disruptive or unworkable behavior. Here are a few other pointers for building your Emotional Project strategy, so you and your child can face the issue that won’t go away. Give yourself the time it takes to figure out the underlying hurt on your side, and the underlying hurt on her side, release that hurt day by day and week by week, and grow back into an enjoyment of life, and of one another. 1) Ask for the help you need. When someone says no, cry or rage with a listener or by yourself, if you need to, and ask again. Sometimes it takes persistence to find the help we need! 2) Arrange regular listening time for yourself. Ask a friend. Ask a minister, pastor or rabbi. Ask a school counselor, pay for a therapist who’s good with parents, or sign up for a consultation with one of our Hand in Hand parent consultants. We’ve all “been there,” at the end of our ropes. That’s how almost all of us came to Hand in Hand. We will help. Get a copy of Listening Partnerships for Parents to learn how to build a Listening Partnership—it can change your life.

www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline Page # 31 The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care. 3) Start Special Time with the child who’s begging for help. Do it regularly. Work with a listener on what you don’t like about your child or the play or activity she chooses. Special Time is not for sissies—it sounds simple, and it is, but the tough places in a parent-child relationship often show up right there, in that simplest of interactions.

4) Use the other Listening Tools: Play listening, Setting Limits,and Stay listening, in concert with one another. Read our Listening to Children booklets for more on what the tools are and how to use them. They don’t come naturally to us— our parents often didn’t have the emotional slack to try to attune themselves to us in play or during our most passionate emotional episodes. You’ll do well if you take your issues to your Listening Partnership, and release the feelings that arise on your end, whatever they might be. Those feelings are probably rooted in your own childhood, and they’ve been interfering in your joy in parenting for awhile. Out they go! Some emotional projects take several years; others will resolve in an afternoon, with a refresher episode every now and then. You don’t know before you start how big the project will be. You don’t know what growth lies ahead for you, what new freedoms you’ll earn as you dissolve the hurt on your side of the relationship. You don’t know how flexible, generous and open hearted your child can be until you’ve found ways to let them lead, let them laugh, and let them cry and rage. Nothing—not consequences, punishments, rewards or distractions—can clear your child’s intelligence of troubled behavior like your love, your attention, your work on your own feelings, and your use of Listening Tools with them. Here’s how it can work. In second grade, my friend’s daughter entered a new school. She enjoyed her first year there, but in third grade, she came home crying many afternoons, saying that her friends were excluding her, and that none of the boys wanted to play with a girl any more. My friend listened to her daughter for several afternoons, but became worried when her daughter moved into big cries almost every day. She would recount the slights of the day, and feel heartbroken. My friend became worried, discouraged and disappointed. She was a single mom, and had worked so hard to find just the right school for her daughter, who she knew carried some insecure feelings. She thought she’d found just the right place. Now, look what was happening! Social exclusion. “You’re not my friend today. Alissa is my friend!” action, with changing alliances almost every day. And why wouldn’t the boys play with the girls? My friend took her worries to her Listening Partnership. It was hard to keep up with the feelings her daughter triggered in her, but she worked at it. Every day, there were painful interactions to be told and cried about. Finally, after about a month, my friend, exasperated, checked in with her daughter, at a time when feelings weren’t high. “Do you want to change schools?” “No, Mommy, I want to stay at this one.” That was something to hang on to. The months went on, and her daughter’s hurt feelings didn’t lessen. About once a month, my friend checked in with her, asking if she wanted to change schools. She didn’t. The unspoken message my friend took away, month after month, was that her daughter was choosing to cry, with her support. She didn’t want out. She wanted through this. In addition to the listening my friend did daily, she and her daughter began to come up with a few initiatives to try to freshen up the interactions at school. They invited each one of the girls who were pulling the exclusion card to their house for play dates. They planned fun things to do. It helped somewhat, but there were still many tears daily. Toward spring of that year, this mom decided to go to the teacher, and see if she could get permission to come in and present a play activity for her daughter’s class of 20 children. She proposed physical play, play that put her in the less powerful role, so the children could laugh. There would be a “target” that wasn’t another child. She decided to bring a few wrestling mats, and to be a bucking bronco for each of the children in turn. (She’s quite the adventurous mom!) The teacher agreed. The children loved it! They laughed and cheered for each other, and my friend “couldn’t buck them off,” they were so strong and clingy. Or when she did, they climbed right back on. She marveled in 20 different ways about how strong these children were, and wondered why, oh why, she couldn’t buck them off. They timed the turns, and she managed to get through all twenty! This brought a strong sense of fun and solidarity to the class—it was an extraordinary event, and it worked just the way my friend and her daughter had hoped. After that play session, interactions opened up between the boys and the girls. My friend’s daughter was finally able to play hard with the boys, and so were several other girls. The girls stopped targeting each other so often. And my friend’s daughter began to feel happy and at home at school. By the end of the school year, a fairly constant expression of fear had left my friend’s child’s face. She felt more powerful. She was a happier person. She had dissolved enough feelings of victimization that she carried herself more confidently. She had experienced her mom’s support. Together, they had turned the social interactions in her class from segregated and exclusionary to cooperative and, for the most part, positive. All with a long, hard, bitter cry every afternoon for months, and with Listening Partnerships to melt away the mom’s discouragement and heartbreak. It was a big accomplishment, done step by step. Each of them had made a permanent gain in confidence. www.handinhandparenting.org

Page # 32 www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care. THE POWER OF PLAY rectify this situation. Spending hours on video gaming alone By Karen Leis Welsh and less time playing outside with peers may inhibit social development that children need for life-long relationship Neighborhood streets lined with children playing jump rope, and character building. They learn how to solve problems, riding their bikes, tossing a ball around with pals, playing work together and to value others when they are playing and freeze tag, and playing hopscotch a generation ago are now observing their world together. Not to mention the fun of vacant, quiet places where memories live. One explanation adventure they experience as they learn about hard work from is that neighborhood streets just aren’t safe for children to watching the worker ants prance back and forth carrying their roam without parental supervision. Parents of today must load or the excitement felt from following a frog to his hiding make personal sacrifices to ensure that their children’s need place. There is a classroom awaiting them outside their door, for supervision does not impede their developmental needs. away from their electronics. Play is the building blocks from Children need to play outside for their social, emotional and which children become who they are. We are stifling their physical needs to be met. development and creativity when we neglect this important aspect of childhood. Imagine how different our transportation Parents of the twenty-first century are connected to friends system would be today if the Wright brothers had not been and family through social media using such devices as cell outside observing nature and using their discoveries and phones, iPhones, iPads and such. They spend a majority of imaginations to create the first airplane. their non-working time staying in touch with friends and family who do not share their residence. It is unfortunate Childhood obesity is at an all-time high. In 1980, 7% of that this social medium has diverted our attention from those America’s children were obese, rising to an astonishing 20%- we are charged with raising – our own children. Children 30% today (1999-2002 NHANES survey). While diet is are impressionable and are learning this new life-style from one culprit of this unfortunate condition, the lack of outside their parental role-models. Many children have developed playtime is also to blame. Children need to exercise daily. the habit of spending hours on electronic equipment playing Exercise not only burns calories but also helps to build strong games and becoming adept on these devices simply because muscles and aids in brain development. The brain needs no one will go outside with them to supervise while they oxygen. Exercise is the best way to increase blood flow and play. It is much easier for parents, weary from a long day’s oxygen to the brain. When the brain does not get enough work, to simply purchase the latest electronic devises for oxygen and blood flow, depression can set in and illnesses their children and send them off to their room or another develop. Exercise releases endorphins, which lead to a better part of the home to play with them. While electronics have sense of emotional wellbeing. With high-stakes testing in an important place in the life of children of the twenty-first our schools today, children need exercise to relieve stress as century in preparing them for their future, responsible parents much as parents do. They do not need to go to a gym to do should not forget that fresh air, exercise and social interaction strenuous repetitive exercise. They need to go outside and with peers also contribute to their children’s wellbeing and play, which is a natural form of exercise for children. Another development. It is imperative that parents set limits to the advantage to playing outside is that the sun is a great source of amount of time children use electronics each day and make vitamin D, which children need for developing strong bones. an effort to schedule times to put down their own electronics Responsible, caring parents teach their children by example and take their children outside to explore their world. Play is and talk to them about the importance of diet and exercise to the work of childhood. They need to be out there developing live a healthy, fit life-style. their imaginations as they climb trees, build something with left over two by fours, “dig a hole to China” or use sticks, Children are our future. It is of the essence that parents of leaves, and dirt to see if they can build a strong enough dam to this generation give their children what they need most-their stop the water in the street gutters. When children share these childhood- filled with friendships, adventure, creativity and experiences with other children, they learn from their peers’ discovery. So take them outside and watch them develop experiences as well. socially, emotionally and physically. Their future and ours is at stake. Social interaction is another part of play that must be visited. Children today are entering school knowing fewer words Frolicking Friends is available through www.amazon.com and www. authorhouse.com. Frolicking Friends by Karen Leis Welsh Retail than they did just 15 years ago. A generation ago, children price: $21.99 ISBN: 978-1-46856-422-8 About the author Karen Leis picked up language by hearing parents communicate orally Welsh has been teaching K-5th grade for 23 years. She received with each other, with their friends over a cup of coffee, or as her bachelor’s degree in elementary education from Chadron State they talked on the telephone and they talked to their children College in Chadron, Neb. and her master’s degree in educational more. Today homes are engulfed in silence as parents text, administration from Sam Houston State University in Huntsville, Texas. Welsh is a member of the Society of Children’s Book Writers twitter or type responses to others (often whom are sitting in and Illustrators. Currently, she is a first-grade teacher in Houston, the same room with each other). Oral communication in the where she resides with her husband Jerry. home and outside playing with children’s peers is necessary to www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline Page # 33 The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care. NFPA works with.... State Foster and Adoptive Parent Associations Agency /Organization Contact Email Phone California State Care Providers Association [email protected] 323-846-0007 South Carolina Foster Parent Association [email protected] 803-513-7016 Nebraska Foster & Adoptive Parent Association [email protected] 308-882-4078 Louisiana Foster Adoptive Parent Association [email protected] 318-340-0230 Connecticut Association of Foster & Adoptive Parents [email protected] 860-258-3400 Ohio Family Care Association [email protected] 614-222-2712 Illinois Foster /Adoptive Parent Association [email protected] 708-748-8670 Land of Enchantment Foster & Adoptive Parents Assoc. [email protected] 575-937-0484 Texas Foster Family Association [email protected] 512-965-0539 Missouri Foster Care & Adoption Association [email protected] 417-862-8081 North Dakota Foster Adoptive Care Association [email protected] 701-226-3157 Idaho Foster & Adoptive Parent Association [email protected] 208-659-5960 Kentucky Foster Adoptive Care Association [email protected] 502-867-2945 Arizona Association for Foster & Adoptive Parents [email protected] 602-488-2374 Rhode Island Foster Parents Association [email protected] 401-438-3900 Foster Adoptive Family Services [email protected] 609-520-1500 Florida State Foster /Adopt Parent Association [email protected] 561-352-2540 Foster Care & Adoption Association of Nevada [email protected] MSPCC - Massachusetts Alliance for Families [email protected] 617-587-1666 California State Foster Parent Association [email protected] 909-730-0311 Iowa Foster and Adoptive Parents Association [email protected] 515-289-4567 Foster Care and Adoptive Association of Oklahoma [email protected] 405-942-5570 NYS Citizens’ Coalition for Children [email protected] 718-369-7363 Kansas Foster & Adoptive Parents Association [email protected] 620-628-4071 Colorado State Foster Parent Association [email protected] 303-463-7989 North Carolina Foster & Adoptive Parent Association [email protected] 919-367-9301 Foster Parents Association of Washington State [email protected] 800-391-2273 Adoptive & Foster Families of Maine, Inc. [email protected] 207-827-2331 Michigan Association for Foster /Adoptive & Kinship [email protected] 989-984-7372 Midwest Foster Care & Adoption [email protected] 816-350-0215 Maryland Foster Parent Association [email protected] 866-635-4371 Alabama Foster & Adoptive Parent Association, Inc. [email protected] 888-545-2372 Adoptive & Foster Parent Association of Georgia 404-918-1956 Minnesota Foster Care Association [email protected] 612-849-0246 Oregon Foster Care Association [email protected] 503-361-3906 Tennessee Foster Adoptive Care Association [email protected] 931-319-2645 Montana State Foster /Adoption Association [email protected] 406-871-6807

With about 1,000 members, NFPA also helps to provide from the state and that’s something, Clanton says allows the training for foster parents, mini-conferences and events for foster association to act in the best interests of its members. parents and the children they care for. “We look into the future and “It gives us the autonomy to be the voices for the family,” we just want to build an infrastructure that helps kids in foster care,” Clanton said. “Our association is totally parent controlled.” Mike Canfield said. Clanton has witnessed the power of the associations unified voice Similarly in Arizona, a variety of events are hosted for foster in the passage of both the Foster Child Bill of Rights and the Foster parents and children in care by the Arizona Association for Foster Parents Bill of Rights. and Adoptive Parents. From an annual award banquet and training “Without the organization behind them that could present a conference to National Adoption Day celebrations, the Arizona united voice, I don’t think they would have ever passed,” Clanton Association for Foster and Adoptive Parents is working to support said. “A unified voice has so much more ability to effect change.” foster families. “The association becomes a tremendous network for services,” Clanton said. Fostering Families Today www.adoptinfo.net 888-924-6736 Like the Foster Parents of Washington State, the Arizona Association for Foster and Adoptive Parents doesn’t accept funding

Page # 34 www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care.

He’s Just A Little Boy He stands at the plate with his heart pounding fast; The bases are loaded; the die has been cast. Mom and Dad can not help him; he stands all alone. A hit at this moment would sent the team home. The ball nears the plate; he swings and he misses. There’s a groan from the crowd, with some boos and hisses.

A thoughtless voice cries, “Strike out the bum!” Tears fill his eyes; the game’s no longer fun. Remember - he’s just a boy who stands all alone, So open your heart and give him a break. For it’s moments like this a man you can make. Keep this in mind when you hear someone forget. He’s just a little boy, not a man yet.

Consider this... From day-to-day our lives involve interaction with others at work, at home, and within our community. Consider the following suggestions, and before you speak, count your words carefully: • The six most important words: “I admit that I was wrong.” • The five most important words: ‘You did a great job.” • The four most important words: ‘What do you think?” • The three most important words: ‘May I help?” • The two most important words: ‘Thank you.” • The one most important word: ‘We” • The least most important word: ‘I”

WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING FOR? Two friends were in downtown Manhattan, walking near Times Square, during the noon lunch hour. The streets were filled with people, cars horns were honking, taxicabs were squealing around corners, sirens were wailing, and the sounds of the city were almost deafening. Suddenly, one of the friends said, “I hear a cricket.”

“What?” his friend laughed. “You must be crazy. You couldn’t possibly hear a cricket in all of this noise!”

“No, I’m sure of it,” the first friend said, “I heard a cricket.” He listened carefully for a moment, and then walked across the street to a big cement planter where some shrubs were growing. He looked into the bushes, beneath the branches, and sure enough, he located a cricket. His friend was utterly amazed.

“That’s incredible – you must have superhuman ears!”

“No,” said the first friend. “It all depends on what you’re listening for. And that depends on what is really important to you. Here, let me show you.” He reached into his pocket, pulled out a few coins, and discreetly dropped them on the sidewalk.

And then, even with the noise of the crowded street still blaring, they noticed every head within 20 feet turn and look to see if the money that tinkled on the pavement was theirs.

“See what I mean? It all depends on what’s important to you.”

Did you just hear a cricket?

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POSTSECONDARY EDUCATION RESOURCES FOR YOUTH IN AND TRANSITIONING OUT OF THE CHILD WELFARE SYSTEM Q: What barriers do youth in care encounter starting and completing postsecondary education programs? A. Fewer than 20% of eligible youth in foster care go on to higher education compared to 60% of youth in the general population. Moreover, very few of these students obtain bachelor’s degrees. These disparities can be attributed to a variety of factors. Higher education is expensive, and many youth in care do not have family members or other adults who can help pay for their tuition, cosign their college loans, or provide them with a free place to live while they are attending college or during school breaks. Even youth with more modest aspirations still find job training or career skills development programs (that are also part of post secondary education) unaffordable. But there is help available that can assist these students to achieve their goals.

Q. What is FAFSA and why should youth fill this out? A. Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA) is an application used by Federal Student Aid, an office in the Department of Education. The application is used to determine the type and amount of federal financial aid (grants, work-study and loans) for which each student is eligible. Further, many state colleges, universities, and career schools use FAFSA information to determine eligibility for their own assistance and scholarship programs.

Q. How is financial eligibility calculated for youth under FAFSA, especially for students involved with the child welfare system? A. If a youth is considered ‘independent,’ only the youth’s income - not that of a parent or guardian - is considered when determining whether a student is eligible for financial aid. In most cases, this means that the youth will be eligible for the maximum financial aid available. The law now states that an ‘independent student’ includes a youth who is ‘an orphan, in foster care, or a ward of the court at any time when the individual was 13 years of age or older.’ Now significantly more former and current youth in care are eligible for federal financial assistance.

Q. How should a current or former foster youth fill our FAFSA? A. The easiest way to fill out FAFSA is to go to www.fafsa.gov. The youth will need to provide login and identifying information, such as name, date of birth, and social security number. Each student will also need a pin to sign the application electronically, which can be found at the FAFSA site or at http://www.pin.ed.gov/PINWebApp/ pinindex.jsp. Remind students that they should indicate they are ‘independent students.’ A Financial Aid Administrator does not need to verify a student’s status unless there is conflicting information. Students can contact their financial aid administrators at the college they are attending for any specific questions about their school For more tips on how to fill out certain questions on the FAFSA, how to identify a student as ‘independent,’ or how to get a pin, visit http://www.cacollegepathways.org/, http://eop.sdsu.edu/pdffiles/FYSI_FINAL.pdf and http://www.naehcy. org/tk/faa.html.

Q. What are ETVs? A. Education Training Vouchers (ETVs) are part of the John H. Chafee Foster Care independence Program that provides a student with up to $5,000 towards the cost of attending a post-secondary program of education or training. ETVs are available to children in foster care and those who entered kinship guardianship or adoption arrangements from foster care at age 16 or older. For more information, please visit http://www.nrcyd.ou.edu/etv.

Page # 36 www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care. Q. What is tuition waiver and why do some states offer them to foster youth? A. To make college and vocation schools more affordable, several states have created ‘waiver programs’ that ‘waive’ the tuition and fees of current and foster youth at colleges and vocational schools under certain conditions. Nearly all states with tuition waiver programs limit their use to state-funded colleges and vocational schools within the state. Connecticut is one of a number of exceptions, and its tuition waiver can be used at public and private colleges inside or outside the state. Generally, tuition waivers apply to all forms of postsecondary education - two or four year schools, vocational and technical programs, and community colleges. However, there is some variation among state waiver programs as to the types of education programs included.

Q. Does a tuition waiver cover the full cost of tuition and fees? A. In the majority of states with tuition waiver programs, an eligible student must first apply for other forms of federal and state financial aid; the tuition waiver covers the remaining costs. However, in a few states, such as Virginia and Texas, Education Training Vouchers under the John H. Chafee Foster Care Independence Program are not included in this calculation. In a few other states, such as Maine and Kansas, a tuition waiver covers the full cost of tuition and fees regardless of the level of federal and state financial aid a student receives. Please visithttp://www. eckerdfamilyfoundation.org/doc/state_scholarship_guide.pdf and http://www.nrcyd.ou.edu/etv/tuition-waiver for more information.

Q. Do tuition waivers cover other college related expenses, such as room and board? A. In most states, tuition waivers only cover tuition and fees. Again Connecticut is an exception, and its tuition waivers can be used to cover the full cost of attending college - tuition, fees, room and board, books, tutoring, transportation, and health care. In several states where tuition waivers only cover tuition and fees, other help may be available to pay for the remaining college related expenses such as room and board. Several states that offer tuition waivers also permit youth to remain in foster care until age of 21 so that the room and board expenses are paid for by their state’s child welfare system.

Q. Who is eligible to receive a tuition waiver? A. To receive a tuition waiver, a student must have been in foster care during a specific period of his or her youth (this differs among states). For example, in Oklahoma, students are eligible for tuition waivers if they were in foster care for at least nine months between their 16th and 18th birthdays. In Maryland, students are eligible so long as they were in foster care when they received a high school diploma or GED. In several states, youth who were adopted from foster care after a certain age are also eligible to receive tuition waivers. For example, in North Carolina, youth who were adopted from foster care on or after their 12th birthday are eligible. For state-specific information about tuition waiver programs, see http://www.nrcyd.ou.edu/etv/tuition-waiver.

Q. Are there any supportive services or on-campus programs available to current or former foster youth once they are enrolled at a college or university? A. Among other states, California and Washington have developed campus-based support programs to provide assistance to students who were formerly in foster care with financial aid, mental health services, housing issues, and other supports. The best way to find out if a specific college, university, or school has an on-campus program is to contact the financial aid or student affairs office to find out what types of assistance they provide. Check out these links for more information about some of the programs around the country: • California College Pathways: www.cacollegepathways.org • Western Michigan University News: http://www.wmich.edu/wmu/news/2008/01/04.html • Michigan State University, Spartan Youth Programs: Scholarships for Youth in Foster Care: http://spartanyouth. msu.edu/Resource.aspx?ResourceID=146 • Colorado State University, Fostering Success Scholarship: http://sfs.colostate.edu/csu-scholarship-application- csusa • Supporting Success: Improving Higher Education Outcomes for Students from Foster Care: http://www.casey. org/Resources/Publications/pdf/SupportingSuccess.pdf www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline Page # 37 The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care.

Q. What other supports are available to foster youth to help ensure student success? A. As part of the federal TRIO program, the Federal Department of Education offers Student Support Services (SSS) grants to postsecondary programs to increase college retention and graduation rates for low income students. SSS programs provide tutoring, academic and career counseling as well as counseling and assistance in applying for financial aid. SSS programs can also provide services that may be of particular help to current and former youth in foster care such as mentoring, and help in securing temporary housing during breaks in the academic year. Federal law also allows postsecondary programs to use SSS grants to create programs that are tailored to the needs of youth in or who have aged out of foster care. If a youth has a physical or behavioral health disability that impairs the student’s access to or ability to benefit from a postsecondary education program, the program should provide the student with reasonable accommodations. The Americans with Disabilities Act (and for programs that receive federal financial assistance the Rehabilitation Act of 1973) prohibit a school from discriminating against a qualified individual on the basis of disability. The school must ensure that the programs it offers, including extracurricular activities, are reasonably accessible to students with disabilities. Postsecondary schools can do this in a number of ways, such as ensuring architectural access, providing aids and services necessary for effective communication, and modifying discriminatory policies, practices and procedures. If a student has a disability or impairment that requires some type of accommodation, youth and their advocates should be sure to request it.

Checklist to Help Current and Transitioning Foster Youth Attend and Complete Post-Secondary Education and Training Programs • Step 1- FAFSA: Make sure students fill out their FAFSA on or before March 1 of the year they plan on attending school. Ex: If they plan on attending college in the fall of 2013, their FAFSA should be completed by March 1, 2013. • Step 2- ETVs: Find out if the State where the student plans on attending school provides ETVs. Use the following links below, or contact the financial aid offices at the schools youth are applying/planning to attend to see what they provide. ETV Vouchers by State - https://www.statevoucher.org/ South Dakota Department of Social Services - http://dss.sd.gov/cps/independentlivingprogram/educationtraining.asp • Step 3- Tuition Waivers: Find out if the State where the student plans on attending school provides tuition waivers. Follow the links below for more information. North American Council on Adoptable Children: - http://www.nacac.org/adoptionsubsidy/factsheets/tuition.html Adoption.com - http://library.adoption.com/articles/college-tuition-waiver-and-scholarship-programs.html • Step 4- Scholarships: Are there any other scholarships that a state provides for youth formerly in foster care? Several states offer a multitude of other scholarships that can benefit youth in foster care. Follow the links below or contact a particular school’s financial aid office to learn more about these opportunities. College Scholarships.org - http://www.collegescholarships.org/scholarships/foster.htm Western Michigan Scholarship - http://diverseeducation.com/article/10813/http://www.mlive.com/news/kalamazoo/ index.ssf/2009/05/western_michigan_university_pr_7.html Education Coordinating Council - http://www.educationcoordinatingcouncil.org/ECC_ResourcesSCHOL.htm • Step 5- On Campus Programs: Are there any on campus services or programs to assist youth? Many new programs are starting for students that can help with financial, housing, academic, and social problems. Some programs cater specifically to current and former youth in foster care, while others are available to the general student population. Do the research and check out the links below. Also, encourage youth to reach out to student groups or programs on campus, even if they don’t think they will need any help. Being involved and establishing relationships helps every student, regardless of his or her background, adjust to college life and will be important if unpredictable situations arise that require youth to seek help. Colorado State Programs - http://osp.casa.colostate.edu/foster.aspx Washington’s Passport for Foster Youth Promise Program - http://www.collegesuccessfoundation.org/Page. aspx?pid=419 College Success Foundation - http://www.collegesuccessfoundation.org/page.aspx?pid=411 Guardian Scholars Program - http://www.fullerton.edu/guardianscholars/ • Step 6- Other Supportive Services: Are there any other supportive services or financial help available at the education institution from, for example, programs financed through Student Support Services (SSS) grants from the Department of Education? Use the following links for more guidance. Student Support Services - http://www2.ed.gov/programs/triostudsupp/index.html Northwestern College- http://www.nwc.edu/web/academic-support/ada/disability-services-doss Quincy University - http://www.quincy.edu/academics/academic-services/ada-support TRiO Programs - http://www2.ed.gov/about/offices/list/ope/trio/index.html Page # 38 www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care. DISCIPLINING OUR CHILDREN TAKES DEDICATION AND EFFORT.

It also helps to mix in a little creativity when needed. The consequences below from parenting expert, Lisa Welchel, might seem a little strong, but let them inspire you to come up with your own, and pair them with the 7 Steps to Tried and True Discipline.

1. If time-outs don't work, try a "time-in." This can be accomplished by sending your child to a designated spot where he must complete a task that has a definite beginning and end.This could be putting together a small puzzle, stringing 50 beads on a piece of yarn, or tracing the alphabet. A time-in diverts his energies and encourages him to focus on something positive.

2. Timers set definite boundaries. For example, with a timer, you can say, "I'm setting the timer. I want your room cleaned (or your shoes on, or the dishes unloaded) in 15 minutes. If you haven't finished by then, your correction is…." This method not only spurs on easily distracted children, but it also leaves little room for arguing about a job that isn't finished and whether the correction is warranted.

3. Make a homemade "Correction" can and fill it with tickets or slips of paper with various consequences written on them. Instead of giving your child a time-out, send her to the can for a slip. A few ideas might include no TV or computer for a night, early bedtime, or an extra chore. Toss in a blank piece of paper, a "mercy" ticket. This gives you an opportunity to talk about how God gives us mercy even when we deserve punishment.

4. If you repeatedly open the door to your child's room only to catch him in an act of disobedience, take your child's bedroom door off the hinges. It sounds harder to do than it actually is. And it works wonders!

5. Adjust bedtimes according to your children's behavior that day. For each infraction, they must go to bed five minutes earlier, but if they've been good, they can earn the right to stay up an extra five minutes.

6. An especially tough but effective correction for teenagers who forget to wear their seat belts is to add an additional day past their sixteenth birthday before they can take their driver's test. Hey, it's important!

7. If you have dawdlers, try this: Whoever is last to the table at dinner time becomes the server. But there's a catch. Even if you're first, your hands must be clean, of you'll end up serving the food, pouring the drinks, and fetching the condiments (after washing your hands, of course!).

8. If your children are constantly turning in sloppy schoolwork, get a few photocopied pages of printing or cursive exercises. (These can be found at any teachers supply store.) Then ask your haphazard child this: "What takes longer: a report done neatly in 15 minutes or one you've sped through in 10 that must be redone and warrants a page of handwriting practice?"

9. You've heard the reprimand "Hold your tongue!" Make your child do it-literally. Have her stick out her tongue and hold it between two fingers. This is an especially effective correction for public outbursts.

10. My friend, Becki, tried a variation on this idea in the car. If things got too raucous or there was too much fussing between siblings, she would cry, "Noses on knees!" Her children then had to immediately touch their noses to their knees until she determined that they had learned their lesson.

11. Next time your child "forgets" to put something away, like video games or sports equipment, put www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline Page # 39 The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care. it away for him. When he asks where it is, tell him that he'll just have to look for it. Believe me; he will learn that it's a lot more trouble to find something that Mom has hidden than it is to put it away in the first place.

12. If you have younger children who are messy, try this: Put their toys in a "rainy day" box to bring out later. This has the added benefit of making an old toy seem new again. Or set the toy somewhere out of reach but within sight for a predetermined number of days. This increases the impact of the correction by keeping the forbidden toy fresh in their minds.

13. I heard from a mom who had tired of her three sons' ceaseless noises and sound effects—so she got creative. If her boys did not take their commotion outside, she would make them sit down and listen to the "Barney" theme song cassette for 10 minutes. For adolescent boys, it's torture!

14. If your little one gets too hyper, come up with a code word to remind him to stop the action without embarrassing him. Whenever Tucker started getting too rowdy in a group, I would yell, "Hey, Batman." He knew that he needed to calm down before I had to take more drastic measures.

15. Does your child slam the door when she's angry? You might tell her, "It's obvious that you don't know how to close a door properly. To learn, you will open and close this door, calmly and completely, 100 times."

16. If your child likes to stomp off to his room or stomp around in anger, send him outside to the driveway and tell him to stomp his feet for one minute. He'll be ready to quit after about 15 seconds, but make him stomp even harder.

17. The same goes for throwing fits. Tell your child to go to her room to continue her fit. She isn't allowed to come out and she has to keep crying for 10 minutes. Ten minutes is an awfully long time, and it's no fun if your parents tell you to cry.

18. Another way to handle temper tantrums is to simply say, "That is too disruptive for this house. You may continue your fit in the backyard. When you're finished, you are welcome to come back inside." When there isn't an audience, the thrill of throwing a temper tantrum is gone.

19. If a job is not done diligently, have your child practice doing it. She'll learn to be more thorough if she's made to sweep the floor three or four times because her first fortef wasn't good enough.

20. When one of my children is acting disrespectful, disobedient, or defiant, I will instruct him or her to choose a chore from the Job Jar. The jobs include scrubbing the toilet, organizing the pots and pans, moving and vacuuming underneath the furniture, weeding the garden, matching up odd socks, defrosting the refrigerator, and cleaning the closet, garage, or under the bed. And those are just a few possibilities. You could add ironing, vacuuming the refrigerator coils, scrubbing the inside of small wastebaskets, polishing the silver, cleaning the window wells, brushing the animals, cleaning the fireplace, shaking the kitchen rugs, vacuuming the couch, alphabetizing the spices, and using wood cleaner on the dining room chairs. Not only does the Job Jar help to get my house clean, but it also keeps my little ones from complaining that they're bored. They know that with the Job Jar, Mom will always have an antidote for boredom.

21. I have a friend whose son's morning chore was to get the pooper-scooper and clean up the doggie gifts littering the backyard. The boy was not doing this job with much diligence, so his father came up with this creative solution: After the boy had completed the task, he would be required to run through the yard barefoot! From then on, their lawn was perfectly clean.

Mark your calendar NOW FOR JUNE 5-8, 2013 for the NFPA Annual Education Conference Renaissance Long Beach Hotel, Long Beach, California Check the NFPA Website for details

Page # 40 www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care. NFPA 2012 Conference Memories...

www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline Page # 41 The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care. One Mom's Courage to Tell All —Leads to Better Life for Son with Asperger’s Syndrome It is difficult to decide when to share with others that your child has a diagnosed developmental disability. This decision is particularly challenging for parents of children whose disabilities are not immediately obvious to a casual observer, as with diagnoses of learning disabilities or Asperger’s Syndrome. When a child is first diagnosed many families begin a long journey that starts with coming to terms with the diagnosis themselves. Initially, they are caught up with trying to understand what it means for their child to have the diagnosis. In the years immediately following diagnosis, parents work hard to find out about treatment approaches, availability of various therapies in their area, and determining the best course of action for their child’s circumstances. When the child enters school, parents focus on finding their way through the special education maze, as they learn to advocate for a program that meets their child’s needs. It is a bit later, when the child is finishing elementary school or when middle school begins, that the question of when or if to tell the child’s peers might come up. Unfortunately, students with disabilities are often the targets of bullies. Research shows that children with Asperger’s Syndrome are actually targeted by bullies at a rate that is 4 times higher than their typical peers. It can be watching their child suffer social isolation or be a target of bullies that can lead parents to consider sharing information about their child’s diagnosis with his classmates. Here’s how one 8th grade boy describes what happened to him when his mom created a Power Point presentation to share with his 6th grade class. It was happening again. I had hoped things would change in middle school: new kids, new school, and a new lease on life. In the beginning, it was fine. I was welcomed with open arms on the first day of class, and during the few short, golden weeks after. Then people began to notice that I was different. After that, I was more of a curiosity than a fellow student, sticking out like a lump on a glass plate. The other kids wouldn’t talk to me, and instead would avoid me like the plague. Nobody wanted to be friends with an oddity. I was observed from a distance, but no one would talk to me on their own initiative unless forced to. “Friends” I had made in the beginning of the year always had other things to do when I wanted to get together, or they said they weren’t feeling good. I voiced my complaints to my mother around early November, and she thought we should tell the kids about my disability. I refused. But after a few more weeks of the same old treatment, I informed my mom that I wanted to tell them. After Christmas, she presented the Power Point to my class. On the day of the presentation, I was nervous. What if everybody teased me more, or started acting like I had a disease? When the time came for my mom to present it, I left the room. When I came back into the room, it was like a light had turned on. Right away, everyone was much more open in general, and they seemed more understanding. They invited me to play games on the playground, and saw me for who I really was. Nobody mentioned my disability, but came forward with an open mind. Even though their behavior toward me was different, because they knew about my Asperger’s Syndrome, I still felt a little “different.” Over time, that feeling of being different really did fade away. A year later, I was one of the select few that received an invitation to go to a Halloween party, and after that, I truly felt like a normal kid. Being included in these social interactions really helped me learn those unwritten rules that you can’t learn unless you are hanging out with other kids.

Here’s how his mom describes her experience when they shared the information with her son’s classmates. It’s hard to explain exactly what it’s like having a child with Asperger’s to parents who haven’t lived it themselves. When other people look at my son, they see a very adult-like, mannerly, and highly intelligent boy. They don’t understand how anything could be wrong. When he was in preschool, everyone said my son was brilliant and I was so proud. In elementary school, things did not go as well. He could not write and he did not speak or play like the other kids. He endured 4 years fraught with misunderstanding, bullying, teasing, and ultimately, isolation.

Page # 42 www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline The NationalAdvocate -NFPA Mission: To support foster parents in achieving safety, permanence and wellbeing for the children and youth in their care. Going to school was a challenge. My heart broke for him every day as I sent him off to what I knew was a painful and difficult situation. As he completed 5th grade, I worried that things would be even worse in middle school. I wished I could find a way to shelter him from a situation I knew would probably be even more negative. His 6th grade year started out beautifully, but by November, he was feeling isolated and rejected again. His teacher said he would fixate on certain topics and did not know when to stop talking about them. He did not seem to know when his classmates were joking and when they were being serious. I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly it occurred to me that maybe if the other kids knew about his Asperger’s, they might be more forgiving about his odd behaviors. I asked my son if he thought we should tell his classmates, but he had some doubts, so I dropped it. Not long after that, after more negative social interactions with his classmates, he came to me and told me he was ready to tell them. Now it was my turn to have doubts-I was not sure that I was ready to do this....but I really felt like we had tried everything else. I have done many public speaking engagements to professional groups in the past, but that day, in front of those kids...I was terrified. I wondered if I was making a mistake by sharing this information. What if telling his classmates actually backfired and I was about to totally ruin his chances of developing any relationships? On the day of the presentation, his classmates were very attentive. At the end, they asked many questions. When it was over, I left....hoping and praying that I had done the right thing. When my son came home that day, he told me that he felt an immediate difference when he came back to the classroom. After that day, the kids were nicer and they made more efforts to include him. Did he become Mr. Popularity and gain a huge fan club? No. But what he did get was what most average kids in society get— average social acceptance. For him, that was big. For me, my overall level of stress was relieved ten-fold. I knew that when he went to school he was going to be OK. For the next 2 years after that, it has progressively become better and better. He was invited to his first party in 7th grade. Now in 8th grade, he talks about his friends at the dinner table. When he invited his class to his birthday party, I held my breath… and they ALL came. For every family, the decision is wrenching. One never really knows how others will respond. Research shows that telling peers can improve the social climate of the classroom for kids with special needs as long as classmates are also given information about dealing with affected peers. Clear and concise information is important, but it is also important to allow time for kids to problem solve and plan how to improve social interactions and what to do when their classmate acts out or behaves oddly. Parents are encouraged to discuss this decision with their child’s teacher, school counselor, and other professionals with whom they interact, such as a psychologist, occupational therapist or special educator. Originally developed by Ruth Bielobocky, this presentation was used as a tool to tell her son’s 6th grade classroom about Asperger’s Syndrome. Following the success he experienced after using the presentation, she worked with Barbara Luborsky, OTR/L, a pediatric occupational therapist and founder of Way to Grow, to write and edit the Script and the Parent Guide, and document validating research to support this approach.

Background: Way to Grow is a private pediatric occupational therapy and speech clinic located in Frederick, MD. The Way to Grow staff has been specializing in treating the unique needs of children since 2002. Ms. Luborsky is the owner of Way to Grow and is an occupational therapist who has worked with children of all ages with various diagnoses including: autism/PDD, cerebral palsy, developmental delay, down syndrome, learning disabilities, and sensory processing disorder. Way to Grow also provides consultative services for adults with developmental disabilities. Learn more at www.way2grow.com. A video to preview the presentation can be seen at www.Tools2growkids.com. To purchase the presentation, parent guide and script for $47.99, go to www.Tools2growkids.com. For more information or to schedule an interview with Barbara Luborsky, please email her at info@ tools2growkids.com

This article is provided for information only and is not endorsed by the NFPA Organization or its affiliates. www.nfpaonline.org www.facebook.com/nationalfosterparentassociation twitter@nfpaonline Page # 43