ESSAY FEAR: TANGO WEEK 4 PAST ANGST

BY GALA DARLING

GALADARLING.COM RADICAL SELF LOVE BOOTCAMP WEEK 4 1 FEAR:

TANGO PAST ANGST AND VISUALISE YOUR RADIANT FUTURE

GALADARLING.COM RADICAL SELF LOVE BOOTCAMP WEEK 4 2 “Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is far worse than the suffering itself - and no heart has ever suffered when it’s gone in search of its dreams.” — Paulo Coelho

ast week, we talked about feeling stuck and this week is all about fear. It’s the perfect follow-on, because those feelings of analysis paralysis and not knowing what to do all come from the Lsame place: fear.

“Do one thing every day that scares you” is the kind of platitude normally reserved for fridge magnets, but there is a lot of truth to it. Most people avoid the things that scare them. They skirt around the issue, finding short-cuts and side-steps which keep them “safe.”

It might seem like an oxymoron, but I believe that living your life obsessed with safety is one of the most unsafe things you can do. If you’re always wrapped in cotton wool, you’ll only experience a tiny fraction of the richness of life. If you’re coddled and nervous, you’ll never know what you could achieve. You’ll never know how strong you are, be fully open to life, or surrender to beauty, magic, and syn- chronicity. These are only things you can encounter when you are receptive to the universe, and that means having the courage to be scared... often.

The truth is that most of us would experience exponential growth if we committed to scaring ourselves regularly. We would become more well-rounded, highly-attuned, and self-actualised. We would be living at the outer limits of our potential all the time, achieving what we previously only dared to dream about.

What would it mean to do one thing every day that scared you? I’m pretty sure that choosing to live your life in that way would change the structure of your daily routine. If we were all devoted to that ide- al, I don’t think we’d be doping ourselves up on television every night.

GALADARLING.COM RADICAL SELF LOVE BOOTCAMP WEEK 4 3 More of us would be pushing the limits with our creative projects, go- ing out and meeting new people, and challenging ourselves in totally unique ways.

However, scaring ourselves isn’t a high priority for most people. Most people want to collect a cheque, blow it on frivolous stuff, and sleep, drink and smoke for two days of the week. Truthfully, scaring yourself is, well, scary! Who could blame people for wanting to play it safe?

I recently saw in concert, and in fact, I’ve been lis- tening to his new , The Pale Emperor, on constant rotation for a couple of weeks. (It is excellent, and it really makes me want to start a band.) I’ve adored him since I was 13 years old and the odd one out at school. When I saw him interviewed on television all those years ago, I was bowled over that someone could look so “weird”, and yet be so thoughtful, well-spoken and successful. It gave me hope for my own future, and so I have always had a soft spot for him.

Marilyn Manson -- whose given name is Brian Warner -- has done a lot in the 18 years I’ve been following his career. He has released 10 al- bums, acted in movies and television, flirted with directing, held several art shows around the world (he even founded his own art movement, Celebritarian Corporation), and launched a brand of absinthe, called Mansinthe, which won a gold medal at the San Francisco World Spirits Competition. He has been engaged twice (to Rose McGowan and Evan Rachel Wood), married and divorced (Dita Von Teese), and his best friend is .

While some of his choices have been controversial, I really admire him for always changing and continually trying new things. He doesn’t rest on his laurels. He is constantly refining his look, experimenting with a new sound, and coming up with a new story. I respect that.

All of us struggle with being who we want to be, and trying to please others. When you’re known for doing a certain thing or being a par- ticular way, it can be terrifying to change direction and do something different. This is a well-known battle, as familiar to married moms as it is to contentious musicians.

GALADARLING.COM RADICAL SELF LOVE BOOTCAMP WEEK 4 4 When Manson was asked if he ever felt trapped by his public persona, he responded, “Absolutely. That’s why I wanted to quit making music, which led to exploring other avenues, like painting and acting – though that wasn’t the reason at the time. I think I was just bored with it. I didn’t want to be exactly what everyone expected me to be.” 1

I’m sure it wasn’t easy for him to put aside music, and try out new things. Painting, acting, and entrepreneurship are certainly not simple undertakings, and there are always risks and fears involved in every new venture. It’s not a cakewalk to get into another relationship when the last one came up empty. Nonetheless, he keeps on trucking.

Evolution should always be the goal, and in order to evolve, we need to face our fears. When we sit around and do nothing, stasis is guar- anteed. Evolution requires effort, courage, and active change. If we want to grow, transform and fulfill our highest possible potential, we need to face our fears head-on.

“Anybody who does not evolve can become a self-parody. I have to evolve on a daily basis just to keep my own interest in what I do.” — Marilyn Manson 2

Of course, confronting your fears can be terrifying. That’s exactly why most people don’t do it! The thought of dealing with something that causes so much anxiety is simply too traumatising for some, so they avoid the issue. They choose to put up with their less than stellar cir- cumstances, because it’s easier than facing facts and making a change.

Know this: when you choose comfort and ease instead of pursuing your challenging dream, you’re taking an exit that leads to a very unhappy, dissatisfying existence.

I can’t think of anything worse than getting stuck, becoming predictable, or feeling like my fear was holding me hostage. That’s why I am a big proponent of the old adage, “Feel the fear and do it anyway!”

GALADARLING.COM RADICAL SELF LOVE BOOTCAMP WEEK 4 5 The other side of fear is freedom. When we walk through, we discov- er just how much of an illusion it is, and we become proactive rather than reactive.

The other day, a very sweet girl tweeted, “I always think ‘@galadarling won’t let fear stop her, so neither will I’. #positivethinking #bestrong” While I was flattered that this woman was using me as an example to help kick fear’s ass, it’s not strictly accurate!

I am human! I have fears. Everyone does. It’s kind of a bummer, but it’s also part of our genetic disposition. Back in the woolly mammoth days, our fears were triggered by legitimately scary things, like sa- bre-toothed tigers. Having these fears -- and acting on them -- kept us safe from animals and other dangers.

In fact, our fears keep us alive. Otherwise, we’d be running out into traffic, jumping off buildings, and burning ourselves in fires! Fear serves the same purpose it did way back when we were fighting (or flighting) for our lives. The only difference now is that the stimuli has changed. 3

For example, a Gallup Poll shows that the most common fear of teenagers in the USA in 2005 was a terrorist attack. This shows us that some fears are cultural. I’m sure that before 2001, terrorist at- tacks wouldn’t have been the primary fear of any American teenager. Sliding in behind terrorist attacks were spiders, death, failure, war, heights, crime/violence, being alone, the future, and nuclear war. Interestingly, there are some studies which indicate that humans are hardwired to fear snakes, rats and spiders. These are all animals that carry disease or poison, and pose a real threat. For example, a lot of people who have never been near snakes are terrified of them, which shows that some fears are an evolutionary instinct embedded in the human consciousness. 4

Perhaps on the surface, I present an image of being relatively fearless. I started my own business at 23, moved across the world by myself, and regularly take on new, challenging projects. However, that doesn’t mean I don’t feel any fear at all! I certainly have my share. I shudder

GALADARLING.COM RADICAL SELF LOVE BOOTCAMP WEEK 4 6 every time a huge, New York City-sized rat crosses my path, and I’ve woken up crying from dreams where my dog escapes and I can’t find her. I have fears in my personal and business life, too. If I didn’t have them, I’d have to be a robot! Having some fear is extremely healthy.

The critical thing, however, is not to mistake action for fearlessness! Some people feel fear and allow it to control them and limit their lives, while others acknowledge it, but choose to act anyway. I am part of group two. Sometimes it might take me a while to act on my fear, but I always do.

Just like we learn about our level of self-worth from what happens at home as children, we learn about fearfulness -- and fearlessness -- from our families too. I was very lucky to come from a home where my parents didn’t seem to dwell much on their fears, and instead, set about coming up with ways to face them directly. Regardless, even if you came from the most nervous home on the block, you have the ability to challenge your predisposition to fear.

A lot of our fears were developed in childhood, so as adults, it’s essential that we can go back and re-examine our fears through a fully-developed lens. What a child sees as the boogieman can be easily decoded by an adult, simply because we have more points of reference, and more context for every situation.

No matter what your biggest fear might be, it has a root: that fear grew from somewhere. Maybe you had a scary experience when you were in the ocean, or you learned to fear clowns because of a sto- ry your 5 year old friend told you. If you look at your fear objectively and do your best to dissect it, you can unravel it and see it as nothing more than an old story you’ve been telling yourself.

“Don’t fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things. The saddest summary of a life contains two descriptions: might have, and should have.” — Louis E. Boone

GALADARLING.COM RADICAL SELF LOVE BOOTCAMP WEEK 4 7 Alright, so how do we dissect our fears? The very first step is to figure out exactly what it is you’re afraid of. Be as specific as possible when you do this. Your fear is probably not, for example, just dogs. Maybe it’s big dogs, or dogs that are off their leashes, or dogs that bark loud- ly. You might discover, when you think about it, that your fear is also site-specific. Perhaps you’re not scared of dogs when you’re in a car, maybe it’s just when you have to walk past them.

The next thing to do is work out what it is you’re telling yourself about your fear. What is the story you’re repeating in your mind whenever you’re put in this situation, or when you think about the event hap- pening? You might like to write this down. Now that you know what story you’re telling yourself, exaggerate it. If you’re afraid of dogs, you might be telling yourself that you’re going to get bitten by a dog, but the exaggeration -- and the thing you’re really afraid of -- is that you’re going to get bitten, and you’re going to bleed to death on the street, and no one will help you. It’s usually this extension of your fear that is driving the whole story. Write down this exaggeration too.

Now, to start to overcome your fear, the key is in visualisation. Visu- alisation is an incredible tool used by top performers, like Oprah, Ti- ger Woods, and many Olympic athletes.5 We’re going to use it to kick fear’s ass!

Get into a comfortable position and visualise yourself approaching the situation that freaks you out most. Let’s use the example of being afraid of loud dogs that bark a lot. Now, see yourself getting closer to the dog, and as you do, visualise yourself being a little nervous, but still continuing to walk past the dog as it barks, and getting on with your life.

The goal here is to see yourself coping with your fear, even while you still feel a little nervous about it. Baby steps!

Make a habit of visualising this situation regularly. Of course, the final step is to actually face your fear! Have gentle expectations of yourself: no one is predicting that the next time you see a barking dog, you’ll moonwalk past it and blow it a kiss! But perhaps you’ll approach it with

GALADARLING.COM RADICAL SELF LOVE BOOTCAMP WEEK 4 8 less trepidation, and feel a little stronger.

Keep doing this. Continue to encounter your fears and keep visualising yourself getting stronger every day. You can do it!

Coupling exposure and visualisation is an excellent way to deal with your fears. You’re essentially overwriting your mind’s fear response. It’s very cool stuff! 6

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You might think that fear is simply a burden, an encumbrance. Maybe if we were able to wipe fear from our minds completely, we would become superhuman: capable of magnificent feats and mind-boggling exploits. Actually, our fear is a wonderful thing. True fear is a gift, because it lets us know when danger is lurking around the corner. 7

Have you ever had a moment when, instead of turning a corner, you just had a feeling that you should go the other way? Or you met someone who gave you a sense that something was simply “off”? That’s your intuition at work, and it’s designed to guide us and keep us safe.

Our intuition is triggered by the huge amount of information we are always absorbing, whether we’re aware of it or not. In fact, a lot of the information is picked up on a subconscious level. Our intuition forms a bridge, and it sends those subconscious pieces of information to our body, using signals like goosebumps, fluttering in the tummy, or feeling the hairs raise on your neck. The key, of course, is to listen to those signals! 8 When you feel those sensations, don’t ignore them or try to overwrite them with logic. Follow your instincts, and keep yourself safe!

There is an enormous difference between fear and true fear. True fear is a biological impulse, designed to keep us safe from mortal danger. Your more everyday, garden variety fear is manufactured by your in-

GALADARLING.COM RADICAL SELF LOVE BOOTCAMP WEEK 4 9 ner critic, and its primary incentive is to keep you in your comfort zone. It’s your ego gone wild, and the best thing to do is keep pushing through, no matter what nonsense it spouts!

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“What we fear doing most is usually what we most need to do.” —Timothy Ferriss

Here are a few ways to keep pushing through fear when it threatens to hold you back from something you really want.

Remember that fear is created by your inner critic, that nasty character we discussed back in the very first essay about self-esteem! The tech- niques we discussed in that first essay can be applied to fear, as well. Try disputation, ask your inner critic “so what?” and if all else fails, tell your critic to shut up and take a seat!

Reconnect to love. Fear is the opposite of love: it is closed off, anxious, afraid, and suspicious. So the next time you feel fear, do something to physically move you out of fear and into love. Dance to a favourite song, re-read a passage from your favourite book, watch a comedian you like on YouTube, get out into the great outdoors, focus on a photo of someone you love, or better yet, actually connect with that person. Simply do whatever it takes to make you feel good again.

Accept your fears for what they are. Sometimes our fears feel so all-consuming that we’re afraid to even acknowledge them, let alone speak them out loud! Next time you feel yourself suppressing or deny- ing your fear, simply say the word, “Yes!” Allow yourself to be honest and truthful. Let yourself feel the feelings. What we resist persists, and so it is important to acknowledge our fears before we can release them!

GALADARLING.COM RADICAL SELF LOVE BOOTCAMP WEEK 4 10 Write your fears on a piece of paper, and then ceremoniously set the paper on fire! Throw it into a fire-safe dish and watch the paper disin- tegrate in front of you. It’s enormously liberating.

When you feel fear, visualise pricking a balloon with a pin! This is a technique used by Olympic athletes to help them easily jump out of a fearful thought.

Whenever fear surfaced, she would picture herself pricking a big red balloon with a pin. “That sound and that immediate switch would kind of snap me out of it,” she said, adding, “The last couple years, I’ve definitely gotten to a point where when I’m on the hill, it’s very quick for me to switch from a negative thought to a positive one.” 9

It might make you feel better to remind yourself that everyone feels fear, even the people you admire most. Politicians, celebrities, saints, inventors: we all experience nervous fluttering from time to time. It is intensely normal to feel apprehensive, and it is all part of being human. Don’t let it stop you from doing something great!

Let fear be your travelling companion. Sometimes we can’t explode fear, and so we need to walk alongside it. If you can view it a companion, rather than a distraction, it won’t feel so all-encompassing. 10

In some ways, trying to tap into the root of your fear and figure out ex- actly what caused your anxiety can inhibit your progress. It doesn’t really matter why you’re scared, all that matters is that you deal with it! 11

Don’t look so much at the big picture. It’s much more helpful to look at the small steps that lead up to conquering your fear. If your fear feels almost incapacitating, you have to take it piece by piece!

GALADARLING.COM RADICAL SELF LOVE BOOTCAMP WEEK 4 11 Sometimes we’re not even aware that we’re experiencing fear, because it’s showing up as worry, instead. Here are some excellent goals to help you avoid excessive fretting:

1. When you feel fear or any intuitive signal, listen.

2. When you don’t feel fear, don’t manufacture it.

3. If you find yourself creating worry, explore and discover why. (Am I responding to something in my environment, or something in my imagination?) 12

Finally, if your fears are really limiting your everyday life, it’s important to seek help. A great cognitive behavioural therapist can help you so much. Life is too short to be incapacitated by fear, so do whatever you need to do to break through it!

By the way, if you need more inspiration to overcome the things that terrify you, I asked my Facebook babes what their biggest fears were, and how they’d kicked their fear’s ass. The responses are great!

GALADARLING.COM RADICAL SELF LOVE BOOTCAMP WEEK 4 12 ENDNOTES

[1] Marilyn Manson: ‘I created a fake world because I didn’t like the one I was living in’, Carole Cadwalladr,

[2] Brainyquote.com

[3] How Fear Works, Julia Layton, How Stuff Works

[4] How Fear Works, Julia Layton, How Stuff Works

[5] Olympians Use Imagery As Mental Training, Christopher Clarey, New York Times

[6] How Fear Works, Julia Layton, How Stuff Works

[7] How Fear Works To Keep You Safe, Ed Hinman, Military Spouse

[8] How Fear Works To Keep You Safe, Ed Hinman, Military Spouse

[9] Olympians Use Imagery As Mental Training, Christopher Clarey, New York Times

[10] 5 Strategies For Dealing With Fear, Tara Mohr, Tara Mohr

[11] What Are You Afraid Of? 8 Secrets That Make Fear Disappear, Prevention magazine

[12] How Fear Works To Keep You Safe, Ed Hinman, Military Spouse

GALADARLING.COM RADICAL SELF LOVE BOOTCAMP WEEK 4 13 EXTRA INFORMATION

♥ What Fear Can Teach Us, TEDTalks

♥ Why Do Some Brains Enjoy Fear? The Atlantic

♥ How To Deal With Chronic Fear And Anxiety, University of Minnesota

♥ Facing Fear Assessment, University of Minnesota

♥ How Fear Works (Animated), Stuff You Should Know

♥ Smash Fear, Learn Anything, TEDTalks

♥ How Panic Attacks Work, How Stuff Works

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