42 SATURDAY 25 DECEMBER 2010 CaBRadio 1 CaBRadio 2 CaB 3 1053kHz/285m 7.10pm 693kHz/433m 9.30pm Stereo 1215Hz/247m 1089kHz/275m I’m Sorry I’ll Read 909kHz/330m Turkeyville, with VHF:90-92.5 That Again Repentia News: rarely, if ever News: rarely, if ever, in fact News: what do you mean. news? Repentia prepares food and drink unlikely to ever actually happen on You might get some, like what (25th December 1969) for a Christmas party, including 5.00 pm Stereo The Wonder Show returns again, CaB radio. Unless someone dies. Doctor Christian Troy got for turkey meatballs in tomato sauce, once more, with the I’m Sorry So keep your fingers crossed for a Christmas or what he had to eat, Dr. Christian Troy mustard and ginger cocktail Christmas Show. Carol Singers, very special Christmas present for but if it’s real news, rather than eases you gently into Christmas sausages served in a scooped- day. Though if you’re only just Christmas At The BBC: Superpar- Brucie this year. minor celebrity gossip you’re son, Schedule, Turkey Strangler, out loaf, and grilled halloumi in after then try another day. Because starting it at this time in the 8.40pm radicchio leaves with beetroot and afternoon, you can’t have quite Orphaned Jockeys, Christmases Stereo everyone knows that there is no Of Yesteryear, Message From lime sauce. For dessert, he directs news on Christmas Day. Everyone got the zeitgeist. What the fuck, The Shuttleworths: A listeners how to make squares of this is CaB. John & Yoko, Christmas Round in the world is busy stuffing their The World: Choir Of The Delhi Christmas Carol black beer gingerbread covered in faces and blobbing out in front 5.15pm Stereo Telegraph with Yogi Bear Sing icing sugar, and tops off the festive of the TV, rather than getting into Hari Krishna, A Christmas Carrot. (25th December 1996) menu with a simple seasonal trouble, causing earthquakes or Christmas Cracker, Starring Tim Brooke-Taylor, A slice of radio verité from sunny cocktail. fabricating outrages to fill the with Kenny Everett & Graeme Garden, David Hatch, Jo Sheffield with the Shuttleworth Producer: The Galloping Gourmet Daily Hate Mail. Kendall and Bill Oddie family and friends. 10.30pm 11.30pm Dave Cash Producers: David Hatch and Peter Starring John Shuttleworth. Stereo Stereo Titherage Producer: Gary Skyrme On The Hour Xmas (25th December 1972) The Little Baby Jesus Taken from Capital Radio, so no 7.40pm Stereo 9.00pm Stereo Special Variety Show details are available due to lack of Christmas Show, Those Were The A traditional Christmas assortment BBC anal (but not classic episode) (25th December 1991) of songs and sketches by the stars ‘Mary, Joseph and THE NEWS.’ retentive archivists. Happy birth- with Dr. Beat (Christmas) Days, of stage and screen, hosted by the Merry Chrismorris! day, Kenny. Put your festive feet up and feel man (to be) of the hour - the Little Producer: Probably, but not with Sir Henry Man is only 90% water, but On the funk from our resident groove- Baby Jesus, the very personifica- definitely. The Hour is 100% news. Brought meister, Dr Beat. Sir Henry looks back at Christmas tion of innocence, incontinence to you (possibly, I haven’t listened Producer: apparently songs of the past. There will be and incompatibility with most of to this one yet) by Chris Morris, folk, jazz, blues and a few other the laws of Nature. Co-hosted by Armando Iannucci, Steve Coogan bits and Bobs. Yeah, alright, it’s Sir Henry and co-starring Kelvin, (aka Alan Partridge), Stewart Lee, just the usual bunch of weird shit the stars of Star Wars, Kelvin, All the news that’s fit to broadcast, thrown together at the last minute, the stars of Looney Tunes, more but strong and totally misleading. but it’s fun and festive, so well Kelvin and a host of angelic A slick parody of current affairs worth a listen. voices. And Kelvin. And/or pos- broadcasting, that shoehorns Mor- Sir Henry will not, however, be sibly Bono. ris’ surreal stories and interviews fluffing out his show with huge And speaking of the arrival of into an alarmingly convincing swathes of waffle and padding the Little Baby Jesus and the pastiche news presentation style, as he is doing here because he immaculate conception, Holy attacking everything from war has such an all-encompasing Fuck! Have you seen how much reporting to the BBC’s time signal collection of unlistenable and space needs filling to get to the end along the way. slightly stomach-turning tunes of this damned column? I mean, Producer: Mr. Trowbridge from a century of dodgy recording it’s alright for the BBC with their decisions that he doesn’t have 11.00pm Stereo four channels of entertaining, time to waste telling you what educational content but Cook’d you’re listening to when he can Victor Lewis Smith’s and Bomb’d radio only has the one fit in one more amusing disaster Christmas Message channel, about half a dozen semi- for your semi-comatose regular hosts and an abundance Christmas evening listen- of abusive, absurdist content. Not ing pleasure. It’s only half (22nd December 1989) We celebrate the 21st anniversary that we’d have it any other way, an hour long, so what of this life-changing broadcast, one of course. do you expect? If you of those moments in history when All right, I give up. And I’ve still really want to hear Sir everyone can remember where got the Christmas food shop to Henry’s melifluous tones, they were - eating Christmas do today. Time to fall back on the try tuning in tomorrow dinner.Victor Lewis-Smith delivers modern, efficient journalist’s sav- morning for much more the Queen’s Christmas message. iour - Google. What does it have to music and chat with the Victor Lewis-Smith, British jour- say about the Little Baby Jesus? man himself. Oh yes, nalist and producer of TV show Well, for a start he briefly front- please don’t blame him such as Inside Victor Lewis-Smith lined the highly successful band for any mistakes and/ and TV Offal, is an IRL troll and a The Havah Nagillahs, which failed or omissions in these mortal enemy of Chris Morris. after the backing musicians walked listings as he will only Much drama ensued during the out to form the chart-topping use his catchphrase early 90s when Victor accused rap group The Twelve Disciples “Wrong again!” as if Chris Morris of stealing his act. (a.k.a. D12). Controversially, Jesus this excuses him for Not only that, but he accused the had a false arm, which he often any minor or major BBC of being lenient with Morris kept in a shed for safe keeping. misdemeanor. He over his stunts, which included Further still, he was noted for can only work with recording a faked drunk interview many famous sayings such as “If I what he’s given and with the leader of the opposition, really am an essential aspect of the this one only came in Neil Kinnock. To this day there’s God-construct, then I’m always yesterday, so has been a bitter rivalry between the two everywhere, effectively transcend- a classic Last Minute comedians. ing being and time. Which means Panic Production. And if you think that there is way I totally saw what you were doing At last, the end of the too much padding in these descrip- on your computer just now”, many column! tions, well, you’re wrong. Just look of which were cribbed from The Producer: Scrotum how much space I need to fill in Bible: “Thou hast seen haughty the next column - and there’s only babes washing My feet and partak- one half-hour show! ing of Mine, uh, ‘Sacrament’. Producer: John Walters Chicks dig Saviors who can speak in tongues. What part of that don’t you understand?”. He was also the vocalist for The Jesus and Mary Chain. And that thankfully gets us to the end of the page. At last. Producer: Maria Immaculata 12.30 am Ronnie Rowlands has one too many spoonfuls of brandy butter and dreams of stardom 41 SUNDAY 26 DECEMBER 2010 CaBRadio 1 CaBRadio 2 CaB 3 1053kHz/285m 5.30am Stereo 693kHz/433m 12.00pm Stereo 1215Hz/247m 1089kHz/275m National Lampoon’s 909kHz/330m LFBarfe’s Live VHF:90-92.5 Radio Hour - Tra- Leftovers News: no. Just no News: this just in - no news. News: surely you must have got An hour of zany, unpredictable fun ditional Christmas the message by now! 12.00am Stereo from the poor man’s Adrian Juste, 10.00am Stereo coming live from his wireless Jemble Fred’s Xmas Show (22nd December 1973) 2.00pm Christmas Around the World; Sir Henry’s Boxing wankshop at his funny farmstead Stereo Shit Baby Jesus’ Thank-You Notes; in Suffolk. Just how many times Doctor Christian can he play Tony Hancock saying Over an hour of Exmas Comedy Christmas in Russia; Day Presence ‘How dare you’? and Music, featuring Vic & Bob, Christmas in Northern Ireland; The Sir Henry takes us on a slay ride Troy’s Cosy Cabin Producer Ted Beston Rik & Ade, Pete & Dud, and Gift of the Nazi; The Night the through the sordid past of Christ- Show Animals Talked mas hits and misses from around Uncle Bill Oddie and All.Plus Mr 1.00pm Stereo Live show with Dr Christian Troy, Producer: Bob Tischler the world. Just what your jaded Apex Jazz reads this year’s Exmas keeping himself warm by the fire, Verbwhores Tale..