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Walt Grace ____________________ A Short Play Inspired by John Mayer’s ‘Walt Grace’s Submarine Test, January 1967” By Andy Rassler Andy Rassler 160 Edgewater Drive Concord, NC 28027 (704) 782-7218 (704) 701-5793 [email protected] 1 Cast List: Walt Grace Walt is never seen in this play, only heard. He is a middle-aged, disillusioned man who has a unique plan to rid himself of his mid-life crisis. Walt’s wife She is never named in the play. In her mid- to late- 40s, disgruntled, impatient, sometimes surly and a bit over-worked. She is stressed, especially by this bewildering turn of events in her husband’s life. Sophia* Walt’s daughter. She is in her early teens. She has adopted most of her mother’s surly ways, mostly because she really loves her mother and doesn’t understand what’s going on with dad. Tucker* Walt’s son. He is more accepting of his father’s ways, but is reluctant to voice his opinion because he’s intimidated by his mother. He is just a year or two older than Sophia. Librarian* She is old-fashioned, strict, and humorless. Everything you may think of when you hear the moniker ‘librarian’, she is solid, and serious. She takes her librarian job very seriously. Jo/e* An intern at the library, s/he is everything the Librarian is not. S/he just sees the library as a quiet place to make some money. S/he is extremely smart, interested in information for its own sake, but is very cool, laid-back, and loves to just conjecture about the ‘whys’ of life. Bob One of Walt’s drinking buddies, he has been bashed down by life, but still holds good humor about it. He went through a tough divorce about a year prior (his wife took him for almost everything he owned), but he’s slugging through it all. And still smiles. Jerry Another of Walt’s buddies, he is still married—almost happily—but is struggling with this thing called middle age and where his life might go and/or end. *Characters starred may work as either gender. 2 At Rise: As the lights come up, we see three areas of the stage: Walt Grace’s kitchen table (SR), the public library (C), and a bar where Walt gathers occasionally with his friends (SL). At the SR table sit Walt’s wife and two kids. It is a silent, tense meal. At C, there is a tense, uptight librarian and a student intern, who is quite the opposite of tense and uptight. At SL are two of Walt’s drinking buddies; good-natured guys who are not hopeless drunks. They just like to get their drink on a bit before they head home to their not-so-fulfilling lives. The director may choose to direct this however s/he sees fit, but here are some choices: When Walt’s narration plays, there is a tableau and all are still. The actors stay frozen and in tableau until the scene shifts to them, then the lights change and they animate. Or, the actors can continue to mime action in their scenes when the focus changes to another scene. A sensitive and insightful director will find the look that s/he finds works best for the space and that particular production. As lights come up, John Mayer’s “Walt Grace’s Submarine Test, January 1967” plays through the 1st verse and the chorus (right up to the words “homemade, fan blade, one man submarine ride). As each area is mentioned, lights will come up on that area. (“And his wife told his kids he was crazy”=lights up on SR, “And his friends said he’d fail if he tried”=lights up on friends in bar, “But with a will to work hard and a library card=lights up on library desk on C) Then, the lights come up on SR. There is a long, tense pause on stage as the family eats, clearly without the head of the table eating with them. We hear the silverware clinking and see the kids darting looks at each other, but WIFE doesn’t look up from her plate. After about 10 seconds of silence, the voice-over begins. The director may do what s/he wills with the staging while the voice-over is playing. WALT (voice over) January 3, 1967 The deep disappointment of the holidays after such a complete build-up of hopes has served to move me in a new direction. The direction may be a circle, leading me right back to where I started, but I at least feel that something has to happen now. Something different. All holidays, all Christmases, all everything has started melting together into one giant pit of disappointment from which recovery is getting increasingly difficult. The eternal optimism that was never entirely mine has completely vanished. So, it appears I have two choices: 1) end it all. Or 2) Embark on a completely ludicrous mission that only a fool would even consider beginning. And could possibly lead to my death. So, maybe I’m choosing the same thing either way. In any case, I can either move toward my eventual end, or I can sit still and watch my end come to me. I know that whatever happens, I will be called a variety of names, not the least of which may be selfish and self-absorbed, but what will be, will be. My family, who should be my one source of solace and happiness, has somehow seemed to team up against me, not necessarily in obvious ways, but I can feel the sneering behind my back and can sense the negativity being sent my way at every meal we share and in every quiet evening we spend watching the television. I will change the course of this, and I must do this alone. Damn the torpedoes… 3 The lights come up on the bar where his friends are gathered. BOB …full speed ahead! That’s what he said. JERRY He said, “Damn the torpedoes…” BOB …full speed ahead!” That’s what the crazy bastard said. JERRY Well, what did he mean? BOB I don’t know, Jerry. “Damn the torpedoes…” That’s a quote from…who said that, anyway? JERRY I think it was Paul Revere. BOB Paul Revere? The midnight rider guy? Said “Damn the torpedoes?” JERRY I thought it was him. Him or George Washington. BOB George Washington did not say “Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead.” I don’t even think they had torpedoes back then. JERRY Oh. BOB Yeah, oh. I’ll bet Walt would know who said that. JERRY Walt would know! He’s a walking encyclopedia. (awkward pause) Was it Paul Revere, then? BOB I don’t think so. Oh, it’s on the tip of my tongue…”Damn the torpedoes”…it’s…it’s… Lights come up on the library scene. JOEL (working a cross word puzzle) …It’s a four letter word for ‘escape’. The last letter is an “e”. LIBRARIAN 4 Shouldn’t you be re-shelving books instead of indulging in mindless newspaper games? You’ve gotten behind in the 900s, as I’m quite sure you’re aware. JOEL Mindless? This is anything but mindless, my lady. I can feel a new brain wrinkle growing as we speak…I am trying to cogitate a word that ends in “e” that means escape….oh, it hurts! The wrinkle hurts!!! LIBRARIAN The 900s, young man. You do have gainful employment in this establishment and there are expectations that surround said employment. JOEL Wow. You talk real good. LIBRARIAN Shelving. 900s. Immediately. JOEL As you say, venerable leader. (As he heads to the books) Say, did you happen to notice the book that guy checked out about an hour ago from the 900s? LIBRARIAN Did I notice which book a patron checked out an hour ago? JOEL Yeah, you put the stamp on it for when it’s due again. Did you notice? What the book was? LIBRARIAN It is neither my business nor yours to notice or comment on the reading choices of our patrons. JOEL Shouldn’t that be “nor comment”? LIBRARIAN I beg your pardon? JOEL Did you see what he checked out or didn’t you? LIBRARIAN It is not my habit to invest in the personal choices of our constituents. JOEL Is that a yes or a no? LIBRARIAN I believe it was something about…the ocean… JOEL Oh, Madame Librarian…you feign ignorance of these things. That guy checked out a book about how to build a submarine. A home-made submarine! Can you imagine? 5 LIBRARIAN Can I imagine what? A book about submarines? We have dozens of titles about submarines in the 900 section alone. JOEL I’m aware of our rich collection of submarine titles. Yes. But a book about building one… LIBRARIAN Are you moving yet? I asked you to move what seems ages ago! Lights come up on the family. WIFE and LIBRARIAN’s lines are spoken at the same time. WIFE I asked you to move what seems ages ago! TUCKER I’m going, I’m going. SON exits, leaving the DAUGHTER and WIFE looking at each other. WIFE What could he be doing down there? SOPHIA He likes it down there. He’s just putzing around. WIFE Putzing around? Did you get that phrase from me? SOPHIA Probably… WIFE Well, I just want him to join us for dinner, that’s all.

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