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An Autoethnography of Leadership, Personal

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An Autoethnography of Leadership, Personal TAPESTRY OF TEARS: AN AUTOETHNOGRAPHY OF LEADERSHIP, PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION, AND MUSIC THERAPY IN HUMANITARIAN AID IN BOSNIA HERZEGOVINA ALPHA M. WOODWARD A DISSERTATION Submitted to the Ph.D. in Leadership and Change Program of Antioch University in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of Doctor of Philosophy November, 2014 This is to certify that the Dissertation entitled: TAPESTRY OF TEARS: AN AUTOETHNOGRAPHY OF LEADERSHIP, PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION, AND MUSIC THERAPY IN HUMANITARIAN AID IN BOSNIA HERZEGOVINA prepared by Alpha M Woodward is approved in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of Doctor of Philosophy in Leadership and Change Approved by: Carolyn Kenny, Ph.D., Chair 2/13/15 Laurien Alexandre, Ph.D., Committee Member 2/13/15 Lars Ole Bonde, Ph.D., Committee Member 2/13/15 Susan Hadley, Ph.D., External Reader 2/13/15 Copyright 2015 Alpha Woodward All rights reserved Acknowledgements I have many to thank for my six year saga in this work. I cherished the kind words of support from close friends, colleagues, and family who reminded me that what I do matters to them. So in the solipsistic process of writing an autoethnography, their support and patience has helped me to stay on track and aim for the finish line. In particular, I wish to thank Carolyn Kenny, who has been my advisor, friend, mentor, and coach throughout my various transformations and transitions. Carolyn has witnessed the dark and the light side of my journey but somehow she knew I would find my own way. An intrepid and wise old soul, she held the gate open while I wandered, and struggled with the challenges of repatriation, job changes, and other existential life issues. A gentle master, and a natural and gifted healer in whose presence I always feel replenished and hopeful, I am honored to be a friend and ever so grateful to have been her student. I could not imagine being able to complete this without acknowledging that it is an accomplishment for Brad and Jeremy, my wonderful, creative sons, who have provided me with the kind of support only a family can provide. Watching them manifest their hopes and dreams and having their support for mine has sustained me throughout these long years of separation and difficult transitions, and I hope with theirs. My friends have often seen what I have not seen in myself, and so to my community of friends who have considered this a fait accompli since I started, I am so very grateful to have you as friends. To Lesley Taylor, Alison Gardner, Donna McNaughton, Darlene Johnstone, and Alma Elezovic, you have each believed in me, and there is no possible way to convey how much I value this, or how much I am also inspired by the spirit you bring to your own lives and which you share so generously with me. I wish to thank Terra Merrill, colleague and friend, whose i flexibility, competence and professionalism enabled me to confidently leave my position in her capable hands when I left for Bosnia and Herzegovina. I have been buoyed by the humor and the humanity of my colleagues in cohort 8. It has been an honor to share this journey with so many gifted and dedicated souls, and with whom I now feel a kindred connection. Thank you, Julie Johnson, for reaching out—so appreciated. I am indebted to my committee, Laurien Alexandre, Lars Ole Bonde and external reader, Susan Hadley for their support and feedback through this last leg of a very long journey. To Lars Ole, and to Ellen Thomasen, I am grateful for the wisdom, guidance and support while I was in Bosnia and Herzegovina. To Ellen—the Eagle may finally be appeased! And to those who have been skeptical about my doctoral aspirations for so many good reasons, I am here now because you challenged me to be here. My dissertation is for those who told me I could not write a story, for those who said I was obviously not a leader, and for those who said that an autoethnography was of no use to anyone but myself. I am grateful to those who told me it was time to leave it to others, and to retire. I sincerely and respectfully acknowledge you as great teachers who have helped me to understand, finally, that this is my journey and my story. I wish to acknowledge all those whose narratives have crossed mine, shared the path for a while, have inspired me, and transported me to a new level of life. My heartfelt thanks to Nigel Osborne, brilliant composer and social activist, whose vision and passion to do the right thing has inspired so many humanitarian spirits to stand up and take action through the arts. I am honored he has called me “friend.” I am blessed also to have known Ian Ritchie, who has a brilliant ability to envision pathways and structures that bring dreams into reality, and who has been a kind and supportive friend when most needed. John MacAusland, especially for his ii philanthropic sensitivity and his dedication to our work in Bosnia and Herzegovina, has kindly continued his support and friendship through this journey. Both John and Karen MacAusland have become friends over the years and I appreciate, very much, their gracious hospitality in my many transitions and travels. And, finally, I wish to acknowledge the strength and resilience of my friends and coworkers in Bosnia and Herzegovina. There are many to whom I am sincerely grateful for their friendship and for whom I have so much admiration. They are each in my heart and have traveled with me in this long, long journey. The lessons I have learned, are lessons of the heart. This is what I have received, and this is what I pass forward. iii Abstract In the fall of 2003 I was invited to lead a team of music therapists in Bosnia and Herzegovina (BiH), a country that had been recently savaged by two brutal inter-ethnic wars. The program operated out of the Pavarotti Music Centre on the East side of Mostar, a divided city in the southwest region of BiH. My journey over the next four years was epically challenged by my immersion into the complexities of post-conflict recovery, and the cultural confusion that followed the atrocities of those wars. Transformation and change not only characterized the world in which I worked, but also paralleled internal processes proceeding silently within me. As a music therapist I have always worked within a framework of cultural constancy. In post- conflict societies, we become involved in a colossal moving fray of change. This dissertation is an autoethnography that uses heartfelt, reflective writing with the purpose of gaining a deeper understanding of my identity as a leader, as a music therapist, and as a cultural being in these sometimes difficult, but life-enhancing, four years. Together with academic perspectives and performative writing techniques, it explores a trail of thematic material that emerged during a confusing, ambiguous repatriation period in the years following my time in Bosnia. The autoethnography, an evocative expression of phenomenological research, is a conversation with "self" and with distant others who inhabit a time frame in the past, and thus informs an emergent narrative that carves its own path throughout the eight chapters. Ultimately, the dissertation aims toward a deeper understanding of my own culpability as a leader of a small multi-ethnic team in Mostar, BiH, and the implications this may have for arts-based fieldwork practice in post conflict regions. This dissertation is accompanied by seven supplemental files: 1 Mp4 video and 6 blog post pdf files. The electronic version of this Dissertation is at Ohiolink ETD Center, http://etd.ohiolink.edu and AURA http://aura.antioch.edu/ iv And all the while, as it has done for eons, high up in the mountains of Bosnia and Herzegovina, an emerald green river emerges into life from higher up in the limestone hills and gathers momentum as it narrowly carves its way through a short steep canyon. Its behaviour is erratic in a feminine mystique kind of way—sometimes serene and peaceful—and at other times it is raging, relentless, and vindictive. It is in this “mood” that it wildly races south and westward through Mostar, slicing the city decisively into two parts. It gives no peace until it widens and glides past Opesun, a small fishing village 30 km away, in what is now Croatia. Gliding serenely past this town, the river becomes a peaceful respite for a weary wanderer—or at least it feels so. (personal journal, 2007) v Table of Contents Acknowledgements.......................................................................................................................... i Abstract.......................................................................................................................................... iv Table of Contents........................................................................................................................... vi List of Figures................................................................................................................................ xi List of Supplemental Files ............................................................................................................ xii In the Beginning There Was Heart ................................................................................................. 1 Moving to Bosnia and Herzegovina ........................................................................................... 1 Background................................................................................................................................. 3 A Rationale for Research...........................................................................................................
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