Feeling Buddies®: Bad Guys Or Buddies?

Feeling Buddies: Bad guys or buddies? Heidi Condrey, M.Ed. Conscious Discipline Certified Instructor [email protected]

Conscious Discipline is a comprehensive home and classroom management program and social-emotional curriculum based on current brain research, child development information, and developmentally appropriate practices. Conscious Discipline has been specifically designed to make changes in the lives of adults first. The adults, in turn, change the lives of children.

Conscious Discipline,, The Safe Place, Feeling Buddies, and School Family are registered trademarks of Loving Guidance, Inc. 

1. Self-Regulation Takes Two

Self-regulation is the conscious and unconscious ability to regulate our thoughts, feelings and actions in service of a goal. It is the core of emotional wellbeing for success in academics and in life. Research identifies self-regulation as the foundation for our performance in all domains from reading to getting along with others (Lyon & Krasnegor, 1996). Healthy self-regulation is related to the capacity to tolerate the sensations of distress that accompany an unmet need (Perry, 2001). It is the essential life skill that puts a pause between stimulus and response.

As adults, we have the ability to be conscious of our emotions and the way that we feel them in our bodies. This awareness is the first step in identifying and managing our feelings. It is the essential life skill that puts a pause between stimulus and response, giving us control over primitive instincts and survival reactions. Children’s self- regulatory systems need attuned adult responses to help them mature and develop in a healthy way. Attuned adult responses  Teach children that emotions have value  Help children put a pause between their feeling and action  Help children learn that distress is temporary and will pass  Leads to development of higher cognitive functions such as impulse control, frustration tolerance, empathy, emotional management and problem-solving skills  See children’s emotional upset as a call for help and validate the children’s inner world

All conflict starts with upset. The ability to regulate the upset make conflict resolution possible. Our emotions have messages for us. When we listen to those messages, they can become our internal guidance system for healthy self-regulation and problem-solving. Our feelings can be the bridge that leads us from a problem to the solution. We coach children through recognizing and listening to their feelings. Children coach their Feeling Buddy through recognizing and listening to their feelings. Over time children are able to internalize the dialog that will help them handle tough emotions and strengthen self-regulation skills within themselves.

Feeling Buddy Message Scared I need help from an adult to feel safe. Anxious Breathe deeply, focus on the present, get more information. Angry Calm down and change. Frustrated Calm down and patiently see or do things differently. Sad Seek comfort from those you love. Disappointed Keep breathing. I can handle this. Happy I am love and so are you. I can share love. Calm All is well.

2. The Five Steps of Self-Regulation

Coaching children through strong emotions begins with attunement and mature empathy. The skill of Noticing can help children become conscious of their strong emotions.

Noticing D.N.A.

Describe the body. “Your face is going like this. Your mouth is going like this.”

Pause and Breathe

Name the feeling. “You seem______.”

Acknowledge the child’s intent or desire. “You wanted____. You were hoping____.”

Self-regulation begins with conscious awareness of our upset or knowing that something has triggered an emotion. With that self-awareness, we can begin to engage strategies to actively calm ourselves and identify and separate ourselves from our feelings. From here, we can use self-talk to further calm ourselves, accept our feelings, make choices about how we will think about our feelings and move toward solutions.

COACHING CHILDREN STEP DESCRIPTION 1 I Am Becoming aware that something has triggered an emotion. Noticing D.N.A. 2 I Calm Breathing deeply and noticing the emotion. Pause and breathe deeply to download calm. Tell your buddy, “Hello ___. Welcome ___. Your Accurately identifying and naming the feeling. Separating eyes are going like this. Your mouth is going like 3 I Feel ourselves from the feeling. this. You seem ____. Breathe with me, ___.” (3 deep breaths) Befriending the feeling through acceptance. Reframing the Tell your buddy, “You’re safe. You wanted ____. 4 I Choose problem with positive intent. You can handle this. Take another deep breath.” “____ has a message that says, ____. My buddy 5 I Solve Finding solutions to the problem that triggered the emotion. and I help each other handle big feelings.” What could your Feeling Buddy do to solve this?

3. Coaching Self-Regulation with Feeling Buddies.

Daily teachable moments Coach children in the moment when they are upset. Begin with Noticing D.N.A. to help children move from upset to calm and to help them become conscious of their bodies and their feelings. Use these opportunities of frustration, sadness, or disappointment to reinforce the language and concepts of managing strong feelings.

The Safe Place self-regulation learning center Set up the Safe Place as a place to teach children strategies for changing their inner state from upset to calm. Include tools to help children actively calm their bodies and to identify and manage (name and tame) their big feelings as well as to problem solve. A great resource is The Safe Place in Shubert’s classroom on the Conscious Discipline website. Go with a child when strong emotions bubble up and coach them through the process of identifying their emotion and choosing the corresponding Feeling Buddy, using calming and choice items purposefully describe their feelings and choose healthy ways to respond to the messages embedded in the basic feelings.

The Feeling Buddies Curriculum The Conscious Discipline Feeling Buddies Curriculum is a rich resource that will guide you through the self-regulation process to teach basic self-regulation skills and coach children to use these skills with their Feeling Buddies. The curriculum contains thirty lesson plans to help children deepen their understanding of emotions and how to handle them, beginning with reading body language and facial expressions to understanding their emotions and labeling their feelings. The curriculum includes teaching calming and problem-solving strategies. The curriculum comes with support materials including an instructional DVD and templates and reproducible materials.

Resources  Bailey, Becky A. (2011) Creating the School Family. Oviedo, FL: Loving Guidance.  Bailey, Becky A. (2011) Managing Emotional Mayhem. Oviedo, FL: Loving Guidance.  Bailey, Becky A. & Valero, Lety (2012) Feeling Buddies Self-Regulation Curriculum. Oviedo, FL: Loving Guidance.  https://consciousdiscipline.com/free-resources/shubert/shuberts-classroom/safe-place/  Lyon, G.R. & Krasnegor, N.A. (1996) Attention, Memory and Executive Function. Baltimore: Paul H. Brookes.  Perry, Bruce. (2001) Keep the Cool in School: Self-Regulation – The Second Core Strength. Early Childhood Today. Scholastic. Retrieved from http://www.scholastic.com/teachers/articles/teaching-content/keep-cool-school-self-regulation-second-core-strength.html