The Edge 204_The Edge 172.qxd 25/09/2013 14:14 Page 1 the ISSUE NO: 204EDGE‘THE CHELMSFORD FANZINE’ OCTOBER 2013
www.theedgemag.co.uk Telephone 01245 348256 Mobile: 077 646 797 44 [email protected] Back Inn Time Ad_Layout 1 23/09/2013 16:27 Page 1
Happy HolidaysJOIN US AS WE SWING IN THE HOLIDAYS! BACK INN TIME CHEERS CHRISTMAS LUNCH MENU TEL: 01245 269983 PARTY TIME! £20 per person The Edge 204_The Edge 172.qxd 26/09/2013 08:58 Page 3
‘DRINK AS MUCH AS Book your YOU LIKE’ OUTDOOR BARS FOR A FUNCTION SET NOW! PRICE
“THE BUBBLY IS ON US!” www.olivercatering.com Email: [email protected] TEL: 01245 451651
OPEN: 5.00am - 6.00pm Monday - Friday 7.00am - 2.00pm Saturday 9.00am - 2.00pm Sunday Chelmsford Railway Station’s LOCAL Coffee Shop! Celebrating 17YEARS 17YEARS 17YEARS 17YEARS 17YEARSof Chelmsford dog ‘Wilson’ clowning around on Hemmick Beach, St. Austell, Cornwall. the Sent in by his (human) owner, Stuart Bultitude. EDGE
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PLUG Just a little plug for Cliff ‘Get Down Shep’ Noakes of The Essex Cider Shop in Moulsham Street, readers, for t’was Cliff who advised me to buy some bottles of the award winning traditional farmhouse pressed Welsh cider (6.5% and absolutely delicious served exceedingly cold on a lovely hot day) Black Dragon prior to The Edge’s recent trip to St. David’s, Pembrokeshire (see following page...). I’d tried a couple of warm bottles around our camp fire during evening #1, but that’s just not the way to serve it. However, the following after- noon, after a gorgeous coastal walk from ultra quaint Porth Clais to Solva, we climbed the stairs of an ickle cafe-cum-bar overlooking Solva’s bobbing harbour, only to find a ’fridge stacked full of the ice-cold very same, and after a 5-mile yomp in the heat, let your editor assure you, all three bottles he consumed hit the spot perfectly . However, Cliff doesn’t just sell Welsh cider. Oh no, no, no, no, no . So why not pop in and see him soon and choose from a range of over 140 ciders in both bottled Beer Goggles and draught options. If Carlsberg were opticians, they’d probably cre- www.theessexcidershop.co.uk ate beer goggles that had lenses just like this. But it’s what weekend’s are all about, isn’t it? Ali’s Taxis Getting your work clobber off and your gladrags (and your BEER/WINE GOGGLES) on! It’s the morning after the night before that gener- 46-46-46 ally puts a spanner in the works, when you feel as though you’ve been slapped around the chops by a right damp halibut. Nope, at the end of the day, beer (and wine) solves nowt. But you just try telling that to almost inc. 8 seater mini-buses everyone come 5:00pm on a Friday afternoon. Airport Trips We’re British after all. Getting completely blad- Corporate Accounts Welcome dered is one of our truly great national traits.
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WHAT THIS PICTURE SAYS TO THE EDGE...
25% DISCOUNT on all COLOUR & HIGHLIGHTS with stylist Kat. Offer only valid with CUT & BLOW-DRY with this advert!
203 Moulsham Street, Chelmsford, CM2 9PF. TEL: 01245 494194 www.stephenalexander.co.uk EMAIL: [email protected]
“HOW PICTURESQUE IS THIS? HEY, AND JUST LOOK AT ALL THOSE TENTS!” We’re all going to soooooo miss the lovely, lovely summer we’ve just had because for once we got the TWIN used to a little bit of favourable consistency with our chaotic British weather. EDGE’s Check this photograph out, if you will. It’s Porthclais Bay near St. David’s (Pembrokeshire) - that’s Wales is that, boyo - taken on the final Bank Holiday Saturday of the year (yes, that’s right, when Chelmsford was all but flooded) and, well, for my sins, I really didn’t want to go at all. When we were on the M4 at 6.30am in the morning, I swear The Edgemobile was pulling hard to the left, trying to get off and detour to Cornwall. But both the missus and The Fuckwitt’s (sat in the gloom that the privacy glass seemingly creates in the back - “like being in a coffin” they always complain) wouldn’t even countenance it. So onwards we pressed, towards the Taff border. I do have to say that what perked me up no end was seeing the descending gloom in my rear view door mirrors and the enlightening sky the further westwards we pressed. All in all (including the £6.20 entrance fee), I reckon it took us between 4.5 - 5hrs to reach our destination and what stunning views Porthclais Farm Campsite boasts. But Christ-on-a-bike, I do get fed up of hearing the whining, whimpering Dainty Doreen’s at DNA Boot Camp, moaning on and screwing up their faces about the reasons why they could never, ever go camping. So I’ll tell you what it all boils down to, shall I? Bottom-line (no pun intended) - they don’t fancy shitting in a bog that half-the-campsite’s already taken a dump in. And that’s it. They will all willingly do themselves out of the myriad pleasures that camping undoubtedly has to offer, all because of a blob of someone else's bab. Marvellous. So yeah, when we arrived, I was literally gob-smacked. It had been all of 15 years since I’d last visited St. David’s and I honestly remembered very little about it, other than a delicatessen that was no longer there - oh, and the fact that it had rained almost every day. But this past August Bank Holiday weekend, my god, what a scorcher, and don’t you end up enjoying yourself all the more the less you ultimately expect of something/anything? BROTHER! It was honestly like being in pig heaven, readers. Great weather, great scenery, great draught ale, great BBQ food (Bernard Fuckwitt’s a butcher after all) and, y’know, no bad company either (but hell, 4/5 ain’t bad in anyone’s language)!
DOORS - DOORS - DOORS A sea view from our tent, whilst the first night we merried ourselves playing Jenka in the ‘Cheerful Bob’ & Bros. inc. ‘Serious Chris’ beer garden of the excellent Bishops pub that sells a perfect pint of Reverend James! & ‘Forgetful Dave’ - ‘all Alive & Fitting!” And the couple of days that followed just got better and better, all apart from a pain-in-the-ass of a Family Business Est. 1979 journey home when we stupidly decided to visit the Gower peninsula on route (on route???) and Internal/External, Hardwood/Softwood, ended up in Swansea by mistake (grumble groan). All told I must have driven for the best part of 7 Stairs & Spindles a speciality. hours on that fateful day, which was not so good at all. However, St. David’s is good. In fact, readers, it’s frankly bloody marvellous and from not wanting Visit our door stall on Saturday’s at Chelmsford Market to go there at all, I now cannot wait to get back there once again in 2014. www.bobsdoors.co.uk So if you do take The Edge up on it’s advice, just make sure you look at the weather reports afore [email protected] ye travel to Wales, as the sunshine makes all the difference in the world. T. 01245 361201 M. 0777 893 8920 www.porthclais-farm-campsite.co.uk
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ŵŽƌĞƚŚĂŶũƵƐƚĂŐLJŵŵŵŽƌĞƚŚĂŶũƵƐƚĂŐLJŵŽƌĞƚŚĂŶ ũƵƐƚ Ă ŐLJŵ CITIZEN Citizen asks have England done enough – and would Free One DayDaFr DaeeFr y PassPassy a manager from Ipswich Town F.C. help? WůĞĂƐĞďƌŝŶŐƚŚŝƐǀŽƵĐŚĞƌǁŝƚŚLJŽƵƚŽƌĞĐĞƉƟŽŶ ƵŽLJŚƚŝǁƌĞŚĐƵŽǀƐŝŚƚŐŶŝƌďĞƐĂĞůW ŶŽƟƉĞĐĞƌŽƚƵ A home win over England were managed at the time by the great Moldova and an away Bobby Robson (later Sir Bobby), the second most draw against Ukraine successful manager of our national team. The most
Need advice? Make it fun! leaves England need- successful - Essex born Sir Alf Ramsey - was, like ing at least 4 points Sir Bobby, chosen after managing Ipswich Town to PPersonalersonal TTrainingraining Guaranteed fun from their final two major success. Sir Alf won the ultimate domestic Guaranteed results World Cup qualifying competition - the League Championship - in 1962. matches against Sir Bobby won the F.A. Cup in 1978 and the UEFA Montenegro and Cup in 1981 with great teams he had built, includ- ǁǁǁ͘ĮƚŶĞƐƐϯϲϰ͘ĐŽ͘ƵŬǁǁ ǁ͘ ͘ϰϲϯƐƐĞŶƚĮ ŬƵ͘ŽĐ Poland at Wembley this month, in order to automat- ing the legendary Kevin Beattie, John Wark, Mick ically qualify for the 2014 World Cup finals in Brazil. Mills (who as well as captaining Ipswich led dĞů͗ϬϭϮϰϱϯϱϬϯϲϰddĞĞ ϯϬϱϯϱϰϮϭϬ͗ů ϰϲϯ Marketing executives with an eye on promotions, England in the 1982 World Cup), England centre &ŝƚŶĞƐƐϯϲϰ͕'ůŽďĞ,ŽƵƐĞ͕EĞǁ^ƚƌĞĞƚ͕ŚĞůŵƐĨŽƌĚ͕ ƐƐĞdž͘DϭϭdϲϯƐƐĞŶƚŝ& ϰϰ͕͕ ƐƵŽ,ĞďŽů' Ğ͕ ǁĞE ^ƚ Ğƌ Ğƚ ƐŵůĞŚ͕ ĨĨŽŽ ͕Ěƌ ϭϭD͘džĞƐƐ dd landlords and pub company owners throughout the forward Paul Mariner, Terry Butcher and the sub- country will all be nervously watching the outcome lime Dutch duo of Arnold Muhren and Frans of these final two games. Thijssen. Mills, Mariner and Wark, along with under- In Chelmsford, as elsewhere, the city centre pubs, rated goalkeeper Paul Cooper (the best saver of and those in the outer residential areas, will be hop- penalties ever and someone who would have ing for a financial bonanza from screening the walked into the current England team) won both FA games. Nothing fills a pub more than a live England Cup and UEFA Cup medals. match in a major international tournament. Robson’s Ipswich were, in 1981, the best team in But without England, or the other home countries Europe, chasing a treble of League, FA Cup and (including the Republic of Ireland who seem to be UEFA Cup right up until the end of the season,
every England fans surrogate favourite ‘other inter- when through a combination of injuries and fixture
national team’) it’s all been a big letdown. Because congestion they were pipped to the league by Aston let’s face it, you’re not going to fill a boozer for Villa, whilst losing out to Manchester City in the FA Burkina Faso versus Croatia (and at the time of Cup semi-finals. writing that is still a distinct possibility!). The top three players in both the Football Writers The 4 hour time difference with Brazil means that Player of the Year 2;> -: -881E ;> <-??-31C-E -? 5@? competition and the PFA Player matches kicking off at 9.00pm in Rio de Janeriro of9 the Year were all from Ipswich, with Thijjen win- will be screened at 1.00am here, so landlords and ning the writers award and Wark the PFA trophy. England fans will no doubt be hoping for earlier Quite an achievement for a provincial team that, at kick-offs for England games starting at 5.00pm, the time, had a lot of Chelmsford based supporters. which will surely fill the pubs over here at our time Sadly, many of these have now rediscovered the of 9.00pm. way to West Ham, Arsenal, Spurs, or the nearest Citizen was in San Francisco during the European shop selling Manchester United shirts with the Championships last year and met some Irish fans, advent of the Premier League. Ipswich have only who lived and worked in the city, in Martin Mack’s figured in the Premiership for a total of 5 years, last Irish Bar at Haight-Ashbury (a must visit place for time ending in 2002 when relegation began what is any 60’s music aficionado). They invited us to join now a 12 year period in the Championship (which them for breakfast at 9.00am the following day in despite its rebranding remains England’s second Harrington’s pub in the financial district, where we division in my eyes at least!). watched England draw 1-1 with France. Citizen was Quite simply, the 1981 Ipswich team peaked too incredibly surprised by how many Americans turned soon - or rather 10 years too soon - as Citizen is up to watch the fixture - most supporting us and convinced that if Ipswich had players of the quality some even wearing England shirts! But is this really of the 1980-1982 period at the start of the Premier surprising, given John Kerry’s recent comments League in 1992, plus the resources this would have about the French being their oldest allies? provided, they would still be in the top division - Football in pubs has become a vital part of their their rightful place - rather than that inferior yellow- business model and has certainly helped to keep a shirted bunch from elsewhere in East Anglia with lot of pubs open and many people in employment. the famous celebrity chef whose cook books are Obviously not everyone likes it, but as long as absolutely banned from Citizen’s home! some pubs do not have televisions, by both choice Not that Citizen is bitter....for Citizen would far and because they listen to their core customers, rather dwell on Ipswich’s proud history of develop- then everyone should be happy. Citizen would not ing international players - ITFC are three times win- want to see TV’s in village pubs/restaurants or ners of the FA Youth Cup - not to mention providing those cosy city centre pubs where maybe the older England with undisputedly their best two managers. generation go to meet friends, have a meal and Furthermore, Ipswich is one of only two English converse with one another. However, it has to be teams to have had two managers knighted for serv- admitted that Citizen does love the atmosphere of a ices to football (the other being Manchester United big match occasion in a really lively pub! with Sir Matt Busby and Sir Bobby’s close friend, Wetherspoons originally had a ‘No TV’ policy. In Sir Alex Ferguson). 2002 Citizen believes their customer count fell dur- Mrs Citizen - sometimes a troublesome Scouser - ing the World Cup, so in 2006 their managers had usually raises the injustice of no knighthoods for Bill the discretion to have TV’s showing matches, and Shankly and Bob Paisley and, okay, maybe she has many subsequently did. Come the 2010 World Cup a point. finals and all Wetherspoons pubs had them - and Finally, the aforementioned Aston Villa, after win- did a roaring trade. So good for them - they have ning the league using just 14 players, went on to Congratulations to David Moyes for sign- their finger firmly on the pulse of what their cus- win the European Cup in1982, their place in the ing Marouane Fellaini from his former tomers want – and how to attract new ones. competition would rightfully have been Ipswich’s in club. You have to have a big set of plums It was in the early days of satellite TV - for Italia 90 Citizens view. indeed to even dare to take over the man- - that Citizen first recalls going to an English Pub Villa won it with Chelmsford born goalkeeper Nigel tle from Sir Alex and The Edge feels sure showing football. Whilst with friends we saw several Spink who came on for the injured Jimmy Rimmer that ‘Kojak’ is destined to become a talis- England games, including the semi-final against early in the match. Spink, who played for man and play just as important a role in Germany. The pub - the British Bulldog in Armaceo Chelmsford City, had been recommended to Villa Manchester United’s continued success as de Pera on the Algarve - was packed with Brits of by the then Chelmsford Weekly News Sports Editor Roy Keane supplied in the past. all shapes and sizes running the gamut of every Howard Southall - a lifelong Villa fan and sometime Almost immediately United look all the socio-economic group. Many of these would not colleague of Citizen! stronger with Fellaini on the pitch.....and normally have visited the Bulldog, but it was the But, no, Citizen genuinely isn’t bitter at all! no, The Edge isn’t even ‘a red’. only pub in town with a telly. Page 8 The Edge 01245 348256 The Edge 204_The Edge 172.qxd 25/09/2013 15:53 Page 9
“THOSE WHO SAID NO TO US CAN’T HAVE THEIR WAY FOREVER....” A true story of hope, determination and principles. THE ROCHDALE PIONEERS Showing at the Cramphorn Theatre on Tuesday 15th October at 7:00pm (...and just 57 minutes long!) Hailing, as I do, from right damp Oldham in Lancashire, readers (“Where do you come from?” “Oldham.” “Next.”), I feel as though I just have to bring this months screening of The Rochdale Pioneers at the Cramphorn Theatre to your attention, as Rochdale was just down t’road and they were our bitter local rivals in the old football fourth division at the time I first started watching The Latics, aged just seven. Any road, The Rochdale Pioneers tells the true story of a bunch of working class men who set about changing the unfair society in which they lived and who unwittingly brought about the birth of the co-operative movement. Set in 1844 and fed up with dishonest and corrupt shopkeepers selling poor quality products at high prices, a group of blokes decided to take matters into their own hands. By pooling the very few resources they had, the group managed to get enough money together to open up their very own shop and pledged to sell only quality, unadulterated products, sharing the profits fairly with their customers. The shop was only small and stocked just a handful of products, such as butter, flour and sugar, but the idea at its core was revolutionary and the way they carried out their business so fundamentally different in its nature to anything that has preceded it. The tale is particularly powerful as from these somewhat humble and unassuming beginnings, it is estimated that there are now 1.4 million individual co-operative enterprises globally, which secure the livelihoods of over three billion people. That’s why today, more than ever, the story of The Rochdale Pioneers is one to inspire others to change their own world by making a difference to the society in which they live.....which is what The Edge is all about! The Rochdale Society of Equitable Pioneers was formed by just twenty eight workers - 10 being flannel weavers and the rest made up of either cloggers, shoemakers, joiners or cabinet makers. Just think what we could do in Chelmsford if just 28 of us pooled our resources and our ideas? Back then, in the ‘Hungry (eighteen) Forties’, with obscene levels of unem- ployment, retailers would often not give fair weights of the goods they sold, whilst their products were prone to adulteration, such as adding chalk to flour. So ‘The Pioneers’ came along and promised to sell only good quality produce at full weight and fair prices. It’s a truly marvelous tale and stars one of The Edge’s favourite actors and former ‘binman’ (who came late to the luvie profession) John Henshaw (below left), formerly the pub landlord in TVs Early Doors, as John Holt, visit us at our showroom or online one of the original members of The Rochdale Pioneers.
40 New Street, Chelmsford, Essex, CM1 1PH Eeee 01245 299331 www.spaziodesign.co.uk by ’eck, lads. www.spazio-online.co.uk
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The Gentleman An Interview with The Gentleman The Edge gets up close and personal local politics. What’s in The Gent’s with the man behind the quill, in a one manifesto?” off exclusive interview…. {Much of the response to this question has been edited for legal reasons, but key The atmosphere is strangely tense. He is themes are the working time directive, arbi- in tweed, ruddy cheeked, supping on a trarily ‘shutting’ things, paternity leave and pipe, liberally swilling what seems to be a the ITV daytime show ‘Loose Women’} brandy, surrounded by tardy Basset Hounds and Jack Russell terriers. With regard to the latter, he says, “We Embraced in a large red leather chair, have these bulbous shrill cretins lecturing Should have imperious, I am placed on a small wooden the workless day in, day out. Men are cari- stool. At times, it wasn’t always clear who catured by these dozy tramps as lazy dim gone to was interviewing who. oafs. It’s not even a programme.” On the walls are several large family “You would have them stopped?” portraits. One particular image catches The Edge’s eye - a bronzed, faux-biblical image “They have to be.” of The Gent himself as, what appears to be, some kind of Greek demagogue, toga- He fronts up like a pitbull, clearing his clad and poseidoneseque. “Oh, that old throat. thing....” he remarks. “Morons...” Whatever the dispute, we are the experts in conflict resolution ‘His’ mahogany desk is fettered with previ- and are here to help ous editions of The Edge, a comedy snow- I get the feeling this is his rant of the day. www.essexmediation.co.uk dome and a hastily covered edition of the “What inspires you?” Sunday Sport. There is a large bell, a Chelmsford: 01245 492200 Colchester: 01206 767388 brass globe with drawing pins in it, and a “The Falkland Islanders. Sue Barker.” Harlow: 01279 311431 large picture of Lady Thatcher facing his guests, in need of a bit of a polish. “What’s in your ’fridge?”
We get down to business…. “Wouldn’t know. Probably some Dairylea.”
The Gent has been writing in The Edge for “What three things would you take on a the best part of a year now. I ask: “What desert island?” first attracted you to the publication?” “That’s a less good question; it’s sloppy. “That’s a good question.” He is reflective. The FT. My wife. A flare.” “Despite one’s considerable wealth, The Gent encourages thrift. You see, one “Is this going to take much longer ? enjoys a rack of Back Inn Time ribs and You’re starting to bore me now.” Lady Gent was advised to collect the 50% coupons. It makes it very, very reasonable. “No, we’re nearly done.”
And sure, one’ll have a ‘shake’ from time to time, to roll back the years. “What are the things that keep you up at night?” “One got to reading ‘the old rag’ (he does the finger apostrophe gesture thing) and it “European Monetary Union. Bankruptcy. was evident The Edge had some promise. Facebook. Viagra, from time to time.” What’s more, the honesty of the editor appealed. As did his love of Dorset....one He stands... has family on those fair shores. “I must tend to both the grounds and my “Aside from that, one is an evident leader affairs. It has been quite pleasant, but I of the Chelmsford community and likes to must crack on. Your shoes are in the give ‘a bit back’, informing the local cretins atrium. See yourself out.” and such like.” He seemed increasingly uncomfortable “Why Chelmsford? Why Essex?” with my line of enquiry, but admitted to the “That’s a good question. benefit of unveiling the man behind the Three things; mask. My estate. Conservatism. “But sir,” I call after him. “Will you carry Diva Boutique (one did/ does a mean on writing for my dear mag?” Dean Martin).” “Yes. For as long as my people want me “Biggest Achievement?” to. Now can I have my pen back?” “That’s a good question. Sandra Marks, 1997. Lady Gent is fully aware and it Bugger....I was going to pilfer that. It was a nearly cost me a fortune.” proper fountain pen with ink in it ’n all. “We have heard you are interested in “Toodeloo, dear boy.” Page 10 The Edge 01245 348256 The Edge 204_The Edge 172.qxd 25/09/2013 20:11 Page 11
JOIN US FOR LIVE AT THE LOCH
Live Music from The Mark Brenner Band
ursday 7th November from 7:30pm Cake On The Lake At Loch Fyne Chelmsford Have you been to Cake On The Lake in the former bowls pavilion in Central Park yet, readers? Back by popular demand and for one night only, Oh come on, it’s a must, and fledgling owner Nicky Hind needs us all to Loch Fyne are delighted to welcome back get behind her new ickle venture like The Edge knows all decent local folk e Mark Brenner Band! will. Booking is advisable for this one o event We cycled there the other Sunday morning for coffee and a couple of rounds of toast & marmite and the setting is absolutely idyllic. However, it’s when it’s dull, wet and windy over the coming six months that Loch Fyne Chelmsford Nicky is really going to need our support, so let’s give it to her, as it’s truly 109-111 Bond Street Chelmsford Essex CM1 1GD lovely to have a cafe in the park. Tel: 01245 293 620 Cake On The Lake first opened its doors on 15th August and so far, feed- Email: [email protected] back has been extremely positive. It welcomes the park’s dog walkers, jog- www.lochfyne.com gers and cyclists (there are railings to lock your bikes to) and there are also nappy changing facilities....oh, and duck food for just 50p per bag! Nicky says, “I’m not here to compete with Costa and Starbucks. It’s more about sitting in an English garden. It’s somewhere to relax, away from the hustle and bustle of the town, but it’s only a short walk to get here.” Open all year round, hot soup will be introduced throughout the cold, win- ter months and the council have further landscaping plans for out the front of this new park cafe, including further plants and shrubs. BAR 1 NOW TAKING BOOKINGS FOR CHRISTMAS Office Parties Welcome Christmas Party Lunch Menu 2 courses £15.50 inc coffee/tea 3 courses £18.50 inc coffee/te Christmas Party Evening Menu 3 courses* £24.95 *includes disco entertainment Basement Club Bar Champagne Breakfast £10pp FULL ENGLISH/VEGETARIAN BREAKFAST , Glass Champers, orange juice, tea or coffee CHRISTMAS DAY 3 COURSES £45pp (children under 12 half price)
Italian Restaurant
BARIdeally located in Chelmsford’s 1 city centre, Bar 1 serves the very best of Italian cuisine and is open all day long to enjoy at your leisure. It’s the perfect venue for breakfast meetings and business lunches, but is also ideal if you are simply joining friends for coffee, a light lunch, or perhaps even a cocktail or two...
This family-run restaurant is as Italian as it gets! Authentic ingredients are sourced 1 BAR direct from Italy to create a menu of traditional and modern cuisine.
In the evening, Bar 1 caters for every occasion - from romantic dinners and gour- met evenings with live music, to dinner parties in the restaurant. Party menus are also available from £15.50 for two courses inc coffee. Whenever you find yourself at Bar 1 you’ll find plenty of choice from the a la carte menu, with house favourites naturally including Linguini Frutti di Mare. 1 Exchange Way, Chelmsford, CM1 1XB. 1 Exchange Way, Chelmsford, CM1 1XB. Tel: 01245 505880 Tel: 01245 505880 www.bar1chelmsford.co.uk www.bar1chelmsford.co.uk email: [email protected] email: [email protected] www.theedgemag.co.uk Page 11 The Edge 204_The Edge 172.qxd 25/09/2013 16:52 Page 12
Celebrating 17 YEARS of the EDGE It’s CRAZY, isn’t it? Seventeen years. Where did they go? Go on, have a guess? I tend to think of 17 years in terms If you’re struggling, turn to Kingpin’s of being born, which I can’t quite remember a lot about, and then column on page 26 and read the heading....that should narrow the passing my driving test at the very first time of asking, shortly after my options down for you. Yes, it’s a silver platter of testicles. seventeenth birthday....which is what you do if you’re a proper Bull’s testicles, more than likely, bloke....you pass it first time. judging by the size of ’em, and they In between all of that though, I never make any of those ‘F-list remember almost shitting my pants celebs’ in the jungle chew on any of prior to// my very first day at school, these buggers just before Christ- mastime, do they? collecting Dinky toys (cars), Noel Christ-on-a-bike, imagine having to Edmond’s Multi-Coloured Swap Shop (I was never a Tizwaz fan), cart a couple of those around in a Linda Thornber, Beverley Jackson gooseflesh-sack inbetween your and Julie Sherringham (in that legs every day. order), leaving school with but two Wicked markings on them, though. ‘O’ levels to my name and, erm, That is proper, is that. that’s about it, really. I just can’t imagine what they taste But if I think about actually produc- like though, no matter how well a ing The Edge from my ickle office top chef cooked them. All I can in my ickle ’ouse over a seventeen think of is how much you’ve proba- year period, when I did all that bly got to chew them. other stuff in the same period (inc. Can any of you readers enlighten being born), then yeah, it’s scary the rest of us regarding this matter?
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Actually Pretty Amusing Went to see Ha Ha Holmes & The Hound of The Baskervilles (starring Joe Pasquale as the leading man) last month at the Civic Theatre and surprise, surprise, it was actually pretty amusing with a rather well thought out plot. Indeed, the production was only a few minutes old when the narrator said: “...and a fiery rage entered him”, only for Holmes to react as though he’d just been poked up the bottom with an exceedingly large stick (bum-bum). But it wasn’t all pure filth, and you can believe The Edge when it says that it wasn’t; it was just good, wholesome, tongue-in-cheek fun containing numerous genuinely laugh-out-loud moments (many of which included audience participation). That’s why it’s interesting to note that there are not one, not two, but three follow-up’s already planned, starting with Ha Ha Hood (‘Robin of Sherwood’ fame) in the autumn of 2014, Ha Ha Hamlet, and the one The Edge is particularly looking forward to seeing, Ha Ha Hitler. When the lights went up for the interval (we’d been late arriving so I hadn’t had chance to have a gander around the auditorium) I noticed that me and Mrs Edge were, how can I put this, fairly young compared to many - which is a shame because everything’s so pre- packaged nowadays, and it simply felt like a (light) relief to get back to some genuine comedy slapstick. What’s more, the bits that went wrong were, naturally, even funnier than everything else that went right, whilst the revolving stage was an absolute triumph.
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TEAM BUILDING Scott, Jo and Merrick, the original lovely B&B called Ty Mawr in founder members of The Home Rhyd'Ddu, which roughly translates Partnership in Duke Street, recently to ‘Big House’. took themselves off for a couple of “Ms Williams had her own room days away from the office as a whilst we boys shared like the great T.B.E. (team building exercise). big homs that we sometimes are They decided to climb Mount Snow- (Merrick actually bagged the big, don, which is all of 3,560ft high, and comfy double-bed whilst I had to before you ask, readers, no, they did poke up with the most basic of not get the train back down! camp-beds for both nights). Talk Up top there’s a cafe that actually about Allen pulling rank! sells booze - including wine and “Next door was a quaint, traditional local ales - plus a gift shop selling pub that served the most amazing ’fridge magnets, key-rings and all food. Oh, and plenty of beer too, so that sort of malarkey. In fact, there’s the THP crew certainly got stuck into even a red postbox (without a word the local hospitality....all until the of a lie) so that people can post their landlord suddenly shut up shop at JPP’s (just purchased postcards)! 9.30pm one night, due to trade Our three intrepid heroes spent being so damn pesky quiet.” about an hour at the top, just chilling In their exceptionally clean walking out (and it was definitely pretty chilly boots our intrepid trio covered a total up there) and troughing (to replenish of14.8km, which took them approx. their energy reserves, ready for their four hours to get up tut summit and descent), but were unfortunate that another 2.5 hours to get back down the summit was shrouded in mist as again. the rest of their climb had been both All in all, a job well done, peeps! clear and dry. Mason says, “Whilst Jo was taking this photo- graph (left) of me and Merrick with a copy of the world famous EDGE right at the very top of Snowdon, a man approached us after spotting the mag and said he lived in Braintree, which we all thought was great. The Home Partnership’s Scott Mason and Merrick Allen at the top of Small world. Mount Snowdon where it was reet cold by the looks of them! “We stayed in a really Why sit on the fence when you can buy on the boundary? Work has now commenced on the first phase of the A new public piazza will form the heart of the £85 million redevelopment of Essex County Cricket scheme, featuring retail and leisure facilities, with Club. Contractors are now on-site with the first pedestrian footbridge access to the City Centre. enabling works already completed. Luxury apartment living will be brought to the city across four stylishly designed towers; three located The development will revolutionise the present club adjacent to the River Can, with the fourth forming an facilities by delivering a new cricket centre, pavilion, integral part of the stadium overlooking the pitch. media centre and bar, club shop and stadium upgrade, increasing the capacity from 4,500 to 7,500 With 53 out of 62 apartments in Tower ‘A’ already seats. The pavilion will offer extensive catering and reserved, these are proving to be ideal buy to let event facilities, and will become Chelmsford’s pre- investment purchases. mier banqueting venue. We are delighted to be offering for sale the 9 remain- These facilities will be built as part of the next two ing apartments in Tower ‘A’ with the 1 bedroom apart- phases, expected to commence in 2014. The scheme ments starting from £195,000 and 2 bed apartments incorporates the New Writtle Street car-park replaced starting from £240,000. Your INFORMATIVE by a new multi-storey car-park, to include public as well as club car park spaces. Chelmsford City For further information please contact us on 01245 Estate Agent Council’s co-operation has been a most important 250222. factor in this development.
www.thehomepartnership.co.uk 11 Duke Street, Chelmsford CM1 1HL Telephone: 01245 250222
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Bassment due to Re-open Tucked away in the narrow back streets of Chelmsford, the Bassment provides a slice of London basement bar culture with a focus on design and atmosphere, forward thinking cocktail menus and a soundtrack leaning towards the less commercial side of the dance floor.
Up until its closure in January 2013, the Bassment had long been a favourite destina- tion for the more discerning Chelmsford reveller, and now, thankfully, almost a year later, the doors are set to open once again as the team behind Hooga and Barhouse re-launch the Bassment with a very distinct style and vision.
Split between two rooms, the venue has a dedicated cocktail bar serving an inspired mixture of fun, yet sophisticated, drinks with all the theatre of service, alongside a main room which is where you will find that all important dance floor.
The unique and relaxed surroundings draw influence from the retro styles of the 60s through to the 80s, making the Bassment the perfect setting for starting off or spending the whole of your night one floor under.
Be seduced by the music and entertainment until the early hours with the week nights featuring a mix of acoustic acts, bands, comedy, burlesque and themed nights. The weekends offer DJs, both local and established, paying homage to the musical history of the venue, whilst keeping things fresh with an eclectic mix of disco, reggae, indie, funk, soul and house.
Upcoming nights will feature a retro set from Mr C (The Shamen), The Fellowship with Guthrie Govan plus many, many more.
Launching Saturday 2nd November.
Opening Times Mon-Thurs: 4:30pm-12:00am Fri: 4:30pm-4:00am Sat: 7:00pm-4:00am
www.BassmentBar.com www.twitter.com/BassmentBar ww.acebook.com/BassmentBar
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Mountain Biking Down The Valley of Almost Certain Death! Hi Edge Mag! Nail Technician Thought we’d send you this picture (see page opposite, readers). It was taken during a recent lads mountain biking holiday to Samoens in the French Alps. We’ve been making this pilgrimage annually for the last 17 years. Obviously we were all a bit younger when we first visited and Required are now, unfortunately, pushing the midlife boundary, but thankfully we still enjoy the thrill of throwing ourselves down rocky mountain trails wearing only lycra and a cycling helmet (none of that cumbersome body armour for us tough guys)! However, we have been known to have the occasional accident. One of us unfortunately grazed his knee whilst attempting ‘The Valley of Almost Certain Death’ this year, not to mention a notorious and somewhat awk- Space available for rent NOW in busy ward ‘donkey incident’ a few years back, which we don’t really want to go into too much depth about. Moulsham Street hair & beauty salon. However, there is also a secondary element to our pilgrimage these days. We’ve found some fantastic accommodation - The Chalet Marie Stewart in Samoens - owned by a lovely wee Scottish lassie. She’s a trained chef Please call us on 01245 257100 and provides an absolutely fantastic breakfast plus three-course evening for further details. meals with complementary wine and beer. How much better can it get? During our trips, The Edge mag (obviously) provides us with some much needed reading entertainment during our nine hour Transit Van journey to Samoens, so we decided to take a recent copy up to the very highest point (only Montblanc is higher and that’s in the background) and capture this snap (left) for all of your lovely readers. As you can see, even though the weather was incredibly hot and sunny, there was still a lot of snow at the top of the mountains, which only adds another element of fun to our descent. However, The Edge mag did not make it back down the mountain with us as we decided to recycle it by passing it on to some rather bemused French tourists. We can only hope that they enjoyed reading it every bit as much as we did! From left to right: Martin, Roy, Jim, Nick, Clive, Keith and Steve. Hold up, hold up, lads. Forgive your editor for being so stupid, but how on earth do you get your mountain bikes UP to such dizzy heights in the first place? E.E. I’d like to say we ride them up, but it’s actually a combination of chairlifts, roads (cycling) and off-road (cycling). The fun bit’s coming back down!
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A WORD Just a word about negative people who like to complain about pretty SHIT CHELMSFORD! much everything The Edge ever does. Get a fecking life. The bottom line and the honest truth is that 99/100 The Edge has usually got it absolutely right, and that’s not being arrogant....it’s merely being observational about Young drivers how many people in this life have their corks screwed in just that little reckon lessons fail bit too tight. to prepare them You’re the type who’re small mind- ed enough to believe that it’s your Almost a Richard III of young, spotty- way or the highway. No it isn’t, you faced motorists feel as though driving shallow-minded bell-ends. You’ve lessons are failing them for a life spent got it ALL so very sadly wrong. out on the open road. I had someone ring up to complain As many as 29% aged 18-30 said they after the September editions had were unprepared to drive alone after hit-the-streets and I don’t honestly passing their test, a survey of 2,000 know why she bothered because I’d young drivers has discovered. already been deemed guilty in her 24% also reckoned an accident they’d eyes, so whatever I said made absolutely no difference. already had could have been avoided But just ASK YOURSELF, WOMAN, had they spent longer learning to drive. how many times in your life have In addition, 29% felt they were not real- you ultimately gone off on one ly equipped for driving at night, whilst before properly engaging the grey 21% thought that their driving lessons matter and despite someone telling hadn’t prepared them for driving with you you’ve gotten completely the passengers and 14% couldn’t face driv- wrong end of the stick, you’ll swear ing in the rain, what with all of those that black is in fact white? windscreen wiper thingies flapping Negative, finicky people who are about, not to mention all of that water. out to see the worst in everyone Meanwhile, the president of the AA and everything get right on The Edge’s tits, because basically life is feels that road safety education needs a gift and you’re fecking wasting to become a compulsory part of the your own. national curriculum.
This is proper shit, is this! The Edge simply doesn’t get what off in it for ladies to play beach vol- on earth this space is supposed to leyball at lunchtimes. be all about? Now is The Edge right or is The It’s certainly never used for any- Edge right in thinking that such thing and it’s so bland and boring to would surely right draw in the local look at, which is a shame as both crowds (albeit perhaps the wrong Loch Fyne and the apartments that sort of mob, come to think of it)? overlook it are quality and deserve far better. BIG GARDEN FESTIVAL So who sent this nomination in? No-one did, because you’re all at DANBURY clearly rubbish and presumably you walk around with your eyes closed, The very first Big Garden Festival took place at Danbury’s Outdoor Centre so yet again your editor had to get on the weekend of August 10th/11th and it apparently turned out to be a up off his arse and do it all himself, huge success. There was a great crowd that gathered throughout the which is clearly why this is such a weekend and all of the acts were especially chosen to keep the multi-aged brilliant Shit Chelmsford! candidate. audience well entertained throughout the proceedings. Dan Taylor (Festival The area in question is overseen by Compare) brought humour and bundles of personality to the family fun Countrywide Property management Have any of you dozy lot got any event with his cheeky smile and fun sense of humour. and they must be as clueless as suggestions, hmmmmm? Festival organisers George Hughes and Chantelle Dyson were “over the you lot, readers, because all they You know, appertaining to any- moon” at how their very first event came together and how all ages seem- tell us about the area is what we thing...as in anything at all? ed to thoroughly enjoy the weekend programme laid on. Indeed, plans for mustn’t use it for; such as no ball Because this space is currently Danbury’s Big Garden Festival 2014 are already in progress, as George games, no cycling and definitely no blank for November and it would be and Chantelle look to continue the success of the event and bring still fur- skateboarding, let alone any shak- oh so nice if some of you could ther people to Danbury to experience a real community feel-good-factor. ing shitting dogs. rouse yourselves out of your abject George would personally like to thank all of the graduates and current However, The Edge thinks they’ve slumber and give Shit Chelmsford! students from the Royal Central School of Speech & Drama for all of their got it all wrong, for it could definite- just a teensy weeny bit of thought. support and assistance over the weekend, and very much looks forward to ly see Chandlers Builders Merch- continuing to work closely with the RCSSD in the future. ants dropping a whole load of sand [email protected] Page 18 The Edge 077 646 797 44 The Edge 204_The Edge 172.qxd 25/09/2013 18:16 Page 19
Serving food in Chelmsford since 1950 Robinson’s traditional fish & chip status for Chelmsford City Council, shop in Moulsham Street has specialising in business lunches, to recently undergone a refurbishment name but one organisation from the by Emstrey Carpentry and is now wide range of business luncheon far more of an all-round eatery and clients who consistently choose take-away outlet that even offers Robinson’s innovative WiFi. platters. Fourth generation family owner Paul The exhaustive choice of food on Robinson and his team have grown offer ranges from jacket potatoes, the business into a fully fledged fresh sandwiches and wraps, salad catering operation that these days cart, fish, chicken, chips, pies, supplies buffets for all occasions. sausages in batter etc. etc. etc. What’s more, they recently won and “You know where you get it best,” secured the preferred supplier says a very happy Paul!
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‘FAMILY FRIGHT NIGHT’ GETS EVEN Dearest Jo, LETTERS & EMAILS You’re just going to have to BIGGER WITH THE INTRODUCTION take this Beaulieu Park delivery to THE EDITOR malarkey on the chin as BP OF ‘FRIGHT NIGHT XTRA’! dwellers are a cut above the rest of us and expect to be 3D PROJECTION SHOW • SPOOKY TRAIL • FIREWORK DISPLAY • waited on hand and foot. FIRE DANCERS • ZOMBIE INVASION • SPOOKY STORIES WITH Edge Bloke! ANIMAL HANDLING • WALKABOUT ENTERTAINMENT Hylands House is excited to announce not only the return of ‘Fright Night’, but totally new WEST COUNTRY to 2013, the introduction of ‘Fright Night Xtra’ this Halloween! ‘Fright Night 2012’ was a sell-out evening with 2,500 guests, so this year the event is EDGE Ay Up Edge Bloke, being run over two consecutive nights. The family friendly event opens its doors at 5.00pm Whilst away for the weekend I where guests will have an hour-and-a-half to walk around and enjoy the attractions before spotted an Edge magazine in the the 3D projection show starts at 6.30pm. Old Anchor pub in Upton-under- Attractions include a spooky trail around the grounds of Hylands with walkabout entertain- Severn. Though undoubtedly a ment, including fire dancers that are sure to get your blood pumping. All the family can enjoy spooky story time which involves the live animal handling of a crow, snake and a lovely part of the country, the mag hedgehog (some say the snake is Alladin’s Jafar in disguise, whilst the crow is the very itself is not a patch on Chelms- same one from Sleeping Beauty). Food and drink will be available at an additional cost. ford’s very own. At 6.30pm the spectacular 3D Projection Show will begin where guests can watch Hylands Keep up the good work! House burn down to the ground and magically rebuild itself, in addition to a spooky ghost Clive Nicks. invasion and much, much more. There will even be a special appearance from The Ghost- busters! Finally the evening will culminate at 7.00pm with a grand finale firework display. FRESHLY DELIVERED New to 2013 is the introduction of an ADULTS ONLY (over 18’s) ‘Fright Night Xtra’ event which certainly turns up the scare-factor dial. Due to immense popularity and tickets that EDGE are already flying off the shelves, this event is to be extended to the Thursday night too! Do you think YOU can survive Hylands Park after dark? The lights are off, there’s an inva- Dear Edge, sion coming and we’re not at all sure whether they’re dead or alive! If you survive the Whilst visiting a friend who lives in night (no guarantees offered) you’ll leave wondering whether you really did witness that Beaulieu Park, I was surprised which you thought you just did! The evening culminates with an ‘Xtra rated’ 3D projection when her butler brought in a copy film and fireworks for a Halloween event that will truly be unsurpassed. of a freshly DELIVERED edition of Tickets and Prices - Family Fright Night: £10 Adult, £7 Child, under 3 free. All tickets £10 my favourite local mag. She on the door (if available) explained that her monthly fix was Fright Night Xtra: £13 Advance booking only (ID may by required). regularly dropped through their Tickets from www.chelmsford.gov.uk/frightnight www.chelmsford.gov.uk/frightnightxtra or designer letterbox. 01245 605555 Well, it's not delivered to the work- NB - Torches are essential as the lighting within the trail will be dim. All torches will need to be switched off before the show against the front of Hylands House. ing classes in Chelmer Village Some of the event takes place on the grass (including the viewing area for the show) so appropriate and Springfield, I can tell you. We footwear advised. have to drag ourselves to the The event will go ahead in all but the most extreme weather. Umbrellas are permitted but gazebos, workhouse or on public transport wind breaks and other structures are not. to pick up our copies. (I'm feeling It’s a total bloody disgrace, is a bit hard done by at the moment that, Clive. And edited by some- as I'm laid up at present, unable one called Michael Abu-Zalaf, I to go to the gym, so have missed note. Tut, how can you edit a picking up my regular copy.) mag with a name like that? E.E. As I left Beaulieu Park, I saw a man lugging loads of copies of NAMED & SHAMED The Edge around in a trolley. The Dear Edge, poor chap. Have you seen how Look what I have to put up with many steps there are up to some every day... of those houses, not to mention the length of those drives? But hey, I guess it keeps someone in employment and off-the-streets. So come on, Edge, for goodness sake. Why play into the traditional concept of the class structure? Why does the posh end of Chelmsford get their Edge landing with a soft thud on their Axminster whilst the rest of us have to expend some of our hard earned shoe leather/manmade fibre to get a copy? I just don't get it. Well, actually, I do, just not through my letterbox. His name is Rob Barber and he Awaiting your reply. EPMC8;O EPMA8BPAA works for us and I have to tell him Flabbergasted in Chelmer Village. to pull his pants up every single day. If ever a bloke deserved to be named and shamed, it’s Rob! TTel:el: 01245 905 805 Steve Holloway www.webwax.co.uk Bakers of Danbury You’re not wrong there, lad. Tis www.twitter/webwaxdesign a proper arse-and-a-half is that one, sir. The type of arse you’d www.facebook.com/webwaxdesign imagine the owner of such would honestly want to keep 26 Broomfield Road, Chelmsford, Essex CM1 1SW hidden from sight. Tut, some folk/builders, eh? E.E. Page 20 The Edge 077 646 797 44
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Talk about hitting the ground running...
Laura Watson’s Kids & Koffee only opened at the tail end of August, yet already it’s proving to be a huge hit with local mums and dads. “I knew there was a need for a Kids & Koffee in Chelmsford,” she says, “because I’m a mum too. However, what I didn’t expect was for it to take off quite the way it has!” Laura’s a bit like the Pied Piper Kids & Koffee was almost and she hadn’t even had time to packed to capacity within an pour your editor one of her lovely hour of opening! Wega coffees before mums and well as Kids & Koffee Food Bags for £4.00 inc. sandwiches, carrot, celery and cucumber sticks, fruit, crisps, yoghurt and a Milky Way. The fun is ABSOLUTELY FREE for pre-crawlers, just £2 for kiddi- winkles up to 2 years of age, and £3.50 for those aged 2-8 for 90 minutes, although Laura isn’t so strict on the time limit so long as Kids & Koffee isn’t full to their Laura Watson is the brains absolute capacity of 30 children at and the beans behind any one time. Kids & Koffee So if you’re a mum or a dad, you know what to do, don’t you? Check dads were streaming through the out Kids & Koffee soon! doors when The Edge visited her at 9.30am one recent Tuesday morning, so it decided to take the opportunity to have a word with some of the clientele instead. “Kids & Koffee is such a perfect size,” said Superboy’s mum, aka Ollie, “and the best bit about it is that you don’t have to be constant- ly supervising your kids.” Such sentiments were echoed by a lone dad who turned up with his son and a newspaper tucked crafti- ly beneath his arm. “I can hardly let him run amok in Starbucks, can I?” he said, grinning. “We genuinely love what we pro- vide and we want everyone else to love it too,” says Laura. “That’s why we even asked our mums and dads what they’d like to see on our menu.” Such includes half-a-jacket spud (as well as whole ones) for £1.75 Parents & kids just love and beans on toast for £1.50 as Kids & Koffee! The Edge 01245 348256 Page 21 The Edge 204_The Edge 172.qxd 25/09/2013 18:08 Page 22
cent males marching towards her and she Royal Baby Malarkey exclaimed: "Oh! Limp pricks!" All of this Royal baby Malarkey is bringing back Over the next two and a half millenniums, that some particularly bad memories for me. morphed into: Olympics. For instance, the last time I was third in line to the throne, I ended up shitting myself in Pizza In Memorium Hut. ONLY Sad news from the Nestles factory. A member of staff died when a pallet of chocolate fell more Caught In The Act than 50ft and crushed him underneath. Though A man returns home a day early from a busi- the man tried in vain to attract the attention of ness trip. It's just after midnight. Whilst en route his colleagues, every time he shouted, "The he asked the cabby if he would be a witness as milky bars are on me..." everyone just laughed. the guy strongly suspected that his wife was JOKING! having an affair and he wanted to catch her in Bad Name Not Exactly How The Edge the act. For £50 the cabby agreed. “You know who really gives kids a bad name, Remembers Them... Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby don’t you?” Mary had a little pig, tip-toed upstairs into the bedroom. The husband “Who?” She kept it fat and plastered; then switched on the light, yanked the blanket “Posh and Becks.” When the price of pork went up, back, and there was his wife in bed with another she shot the fecking bast... man! Little Toe The husband immediately put a gun to the I met a girl at a party last nite. I said, "You Mary had a little lamb, naked man's head, but his wife shouted, "Don't! remind me of my little toe." Her father shot it dead. Don’t do it! I lied to you when I told you I inherit- She said, "Small and petite?" Now it goes to school with her, ed that money. He paid for the Porsche I gave I said, “No. I'll probably bang you later on the Between two chunks of bread. you for your birthday. He paid for our little boat. table when I'm pissed.” He paid for your Chelmsford City season ticket. Simple Simon met a Pie Man going to the fair. He paid for our house by the lake. He paid for Same-Sex Marriage Said Simple Simon to the Pie Man, our Country Club membership. And he even I’m in a same-sex marriage in so far as the sex “What have you got there?” pays your monthly dues at Channels!" is always the bloody same. Said the Pie Man unto Simon, Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband “A pies you daft, stupid, simple twat.” lowers the gun and looks over at the cabby. Porn Site "What would you do?" he asked him. My missus says that if she ever finds me on a Non Alcoholic Beer The cabby replied, "I'd cover his arse with the porn site again she’ll bang my head against the Drinking non-alcoholic beer is just like going duvet before he catches a cold." feckin’ keyboarcchhjjddfhurbbghjbhdsfjkuvnv#d! down on your sister. It tastes the same, but something’s just not right... Remember This Era? On Safari with the Mother-in-Law It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife Take Three Women 1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. and mother-in-law. Three women and three men are travelling by He arrived at her house and rang the bell. One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the train from Chelmsford to London. "Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as hunter's wife awoke to find her mother not there. At the station, the three men each buy a ticket she welcomed Fred. "Have a seat in the living So she woke her husband and they both set off and observe as the three women buy just one. room. Would you like something to drink? in search of the old bag. "How are the three of you going to travel on just Lemonade? Iced Tea, perhaps?" In a clearing, not far from the camp, they came one ticket?" asks one of the men. "Iced tea, please, Mrs. Sue," said Fred. upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was "Watch and learn, boys," answer the women. "So what are you and our Pegatha planning to standing face to face with a ferocious lion. As they all board the train the three men take do tonight?" she asked him. "Christ, what are we going to do now?” his their respective seats, but all three women cram "Oh, we’ll probably just catch a movie and then horrified wife asked. into a toilet together and close the door. grab a bite to eat at Fat Sam’s Diner. Then "Nothing," her husband replied. "That lion got Shortly after the train has departed, the ticket maybe take a stroll on the beach...." itself into this mess, so it’ll just have to get itself collector comes around. He knocks on the toilet Mrs Sue contemplated this for a moment before saying, "Peggy likes to screw, you know." out." (An oldie but a goodie!) door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm Fred almost choked on his Iced Tea. Crap Genie Joke emerges with ticket in hand. "Uh...really?" he spluttered, with raised eye- A guy is walking along a beach when he comes The conductor clips it and moves on. brows. across a lamp partially buried in the sand. So he The men watch this happen and agree that it is "Oh, yes!" Pegatha’s mother repled. "When she picks it up and gives it a rub and (surprise, sur- quite a clever idea and decide that the following goes out with her friends, that's all they do." prise, not) a genie appears and tells him he has week, when they next need to catch the train, "Is that so?" said Fred, incredulous. been granted but one wish. they will do exactly the same thing in order to "As a matter of fact,” continued her mother, So the guy thinks for a minute and says, "I’d like save some money. “she'd screw all night long if we’d let her." to live forever." So the following week they get to the station "Well, thanks for the tip," said Fred as he imme- "Sorry," says the genie, "but I'm not allowed to and purchase a single ticket for their return trip, diately began thinking about alternative plans for grant you eternal life." but to their utter astonishment see that the the evening. "OK, then,” says the guy, quick as a flash, “then same three women don't buy any tickets at all. A moment later, Peggy Sue appeared looking I want to die after the government balances the "How are you going to travel without even ONE pretty as a picture, wearing an innocent pink budget and eliminates the debt.” ticket?" says one of the perplexed men. blouse and full circle skirt, with her hair tied "Well you crafty basket," said the genie. "Watch and learn, boys," they answer. back in a bouncy ponytail. When they board the train, the three men cram She greeted Fred with a kiss on his cheek. Crap History Joke themselves into a toilet and the three women "Have fun, kids," her mother called as they left. A slave call girl from Sardinia named cram themselves into the toilet opposite. But an hour later, a completely disheveled Gedophamee was attending a great, but as yet Shortly after the train starts rolling, one of the Peggy Sue bursts back into the house and unnamed, athletic festival 2500 years ago in women leaves the girl’s cubicle and walks over slammed the front door hard behind her. Greece. to the toilet in which the men are all hiding. "It’s called the twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at In those days, believe it or not, the athletes She then knocks on the door and says in a her mother. "The damned dance is called THE performed naked. deep, authorative voice, "Ticket, please." TWIST!” To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely of drink containing salt- Ardent Student Married Men peter before and throughout the variety of A teacher asked her class, “Why do women live When a married man says, “I’ll think about it,” events. far more peaceful lives than men?” what he really means is that he hasn’t had the At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedoph- A student replied, “Because women don’t have opportunity to ask his wife for permission yet. amee observed the first wave of naked magnifi- wives to contend with.” More next month, folks! All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to [email protected] The Edge 204_The Edge 172.qxd 25/09/2013 18:09 Page 23
LIFT-OFF FOR CJ @ TST CJ of TST (see below) first started treating within the Chelmsford area in the summer of 2008 after completing her BSc (Hons) Degree in Sports Therapy. She originally carried out personal training sessions for clients in numerous local gyms, but has recently moved from David Lloyd’s in Basildon to Virgin Active in Chelmsford. CJ quickly discovered that although she enjoyed offering one-on-one personal training sessions to clients, the large corporate gym environment was simply not the place for her, and therefore started to offer PT free- lance both residentially and in the great outdoors. In May 2012, CJ decided to take the plunge and go full-time as a Sports Therapy & Fitness Trainer only and within 6 months, one of her clients told her about an industrial unit on Navigation Road that would be perfect for a clinic and fitness studio. When CJ first visited the premises to inspect it, she wondered whether her client had been having her on, HALLOWEEN CIDER FESTIVAL especially the bit about: “But it’ll need and little bit of work doing to it!” Sure enough though, planning permission was Saturday 26th October quickly approved and work began to build two treatment rooms, a kitchen, bathroom and fit- ness studio for CJ’s personal training sessions Over 15 Real Ciders & 6 Real Ales! and small group fitness classes. ‘The Three Elms’ will have it’s very own In October 2012, Total Sports Therapy opened its doors for the very first time to the public, SPOOKY atmosphere and ghoulish offerings, welcoming CJ’s regular clients, plus a few new faces into the bargain, and it’s simply blossomed from there. with Fancy Dress being optional. “It’s been an interesting past 12 months,” says CJ, “and I can honestly say I have learned a ‘LIVE’ band ‘GUNRUNNER’ lot about running a business during that period, especially so far as going it alone is con- cerned. There is a lot to be said for the support of your family and friends, that’s for sure, will be playing in the evening. and I am not too proud to say I couldn’t have done it without either of them! Food will be served 12-3pm and 5-8pm “My focus for the next year is to encourage more group classes and have a multi-discipli- nary practice, where different therapies can work together all under one roof. With an Please Book! Osteopath and a Physiotherapist due to start renting my second treatment room soon, there Prizes of bubbly for best fancy dress is still space for one more dedicated professional if you feel you, or someone you know, may fit into our specialist team. www.the-three-elms.com “Why not come and have a look at our set-up and see if we can help you achieve your own 01245 443151 personal goals? “Also please keep an eye on our website for details of our Fitness Fiesta in association with the Coaching Conundrum and Run Active.” Chignal St. James, Nr. Chelmsford, CM1 4TZ. www.totalsportstherapy.co.uk From Sprains to Pains and everything in between!! Sports Injury Treatment
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[email protected] Page 23 The Edge 204_The Edge 172.qxd 25/09/2013 20:18 Page 30
two sperate groups and see if we could make contact with any spirits. So off into the tunnels we went. We stopped quite a
way down, turned out our torches and stood in complete silence, not to mention darkness, and began calling out to spirits. Nothing. So we went still deeper into the tunnels and ended up standing in a circle, holding hands, calling out to the spirit world. Still nothing. Not even a peep. Two blinkin’ hours later in the pitch black in sup- posedly the most haunted part of the fort (the men’s toilets, no less) and there was not even a hint of a ghost, which were apparently well known for throwing stones at visitors. So, in desperation, I called out, “Throw a stone at me!” half expecting a brick to immediately hit me on the head. But not a thing. SWe were all a bit fed up and close to dying of boredom ourselves, when the Demon- ologist suddenly went into a trancelike state. He began speaking of a woman from the 15th Century who was deemed an TOTALLY TRACIE ‘Unfortunate’, better known these days as
THINGS THAT GO BUMP IN a ‘lady of the night’. He gave a long THE NIGHT speech about this lady being fed fresh
Have you ever felt brave enough, after a peaches from one of the soldiers and how few glasses of wine, only the following they had come to call her Peaches and morning, in the cold harsh light of day, often teased her. Working himself up into a regretted your big mouth? right proper frenzy, he was definitely well A few months ago my friend and I were into his story, so I asked him to confirm the watching one of those ‘Ghost Hunting’ pro- time period once again. “1518,” he replied. grammes and prompted by one too many Ummmm, well, as every school kid of my generation surely knows, peaches and glasses of plonk we decided to book our- exotic fruits only became widely available selves on a ‘Fright Night’. We found one on the internet, duly paid our £60 each fee in the 20th Century and canned peaches and promptly forgot all about it. But then were only given to First World War soldiers just the other Saturday we got a reminder in 1915. Major flaw, but I let him exhaust that we were booked in for a ‘Ghost himself until he collapsed in a heap on the Hunting Night’ at Coalhouse Fort, which is floor. After all, who am I to be a party a disused fort in Tilbury. You know that pooper? So we all went to have a cup of sinking feeling you get when you really tea and at this point the Orange Glow wished you hadn’t? Coalhouse Fort has Ladies departed, feigning tiredness, quite a history and is supposedly the most although I swear they were really off to the local nightclub to find some living Zombies haunted place in Essex. It has miles and miles of underground tunnels with little tun- in Tilbury, which shouldn’t have been hard. This left just me and Jo, who also wanted nels and doorways leading off each of to go, but I was adamant that for my £60 I them. It’s also pitch black down there with no electricity or windows. Soldiers used to wanted to see a ghost! So back down the work in complete darkness below ground, Wtunnels we went for yet another 2 hours of often dying in the tunnels. It must have spirit calling in the pitch black. The Medium been a truly sad existence. in the group brought a thermometer and My friend Jo and I arrived at 9pm prompt promptly began to test Jo. Her left arm to meet our guide, along with our trusty was 57 degrees and her right knee was 40 torches. We were both egging each other degrees. The woman jumped in jubilation, shrieking, “We have paranormal activity on, but underneath we were wondering just what the hell we had let ourselves in around this woman...we have a fluctuation in temperature.” Jo pointed out that she for? So I said to the guide, who apparently had been hunting ghosts on this particular was in fact wearing a padded thermal jack- site since 2002, “Have you ever actually et, so her arms were retaining heat, where- seen anything?” “Well no,” he said, “not as her thin cotton trousers were not, and with my eyesight.” I looked a little closer at she was standing in the draught with her him and saw he was wearing glasses with knees knocking together from the cold. lenses the size of milk bottle bottoms. The Thus the Medium went off in a huff! man was partially blind! Sensing my disap- Another hour dragged by, so we began pointment, he quickly said, “But I once humming, as humming is supposed to raise the vibrations which ghosts apparent- heard something!” “Heard what?” asked I? “A woman’s laughter and moaning in ly love. We also sang and we chanted, until we were all sung and chanted out, so 2003,” he replied, excitedly. “And that’s it?” I said. “Yes,” he confirmed, “at about 1am once again we were left to sit in the gloom, in the morning”. twiddling our thumbs. Hell, we even called What I didn’t like to mention is that behind out to the spirits to touch us, but still noth- the fort is a public park, but why tread on ing. Then the Demonologist came up with people’s dreams? the bright idea that he would perform a We were eventually taken to meet the rest witchcraft spell and sing a witchcraft song of the team which consisted of a Demon- whilst we swayed and danced to the tune and it was at this point I decided that ologist and a Medium and oh what a funny bunch they were. The Demonologist talked enough was enough! Witchcraft, in my
about how he had wrestled demons and opinion, is not something to be dabbled or trifled with. I mean, where would it all end? performed exorcisms with holy water and never left home without a ‘Mini Exorcism Black cats, frogs, pointy hats....it’s a slip- Kit’. To be honest I thought about asking pery slope to be sure. him if he would nip round and perform one As we left the fort and drove down the on ‘Him Indoors’. deserted road at 3am, we saw quite a few ++vatvat The Demonologist got us to stand in a cir- drunken women laughing and screaming £8£8989 by the docks, before two guys jumped out cle holding hands and imagine a bright orange glow around us which would sup- of nowhere in front of our car and hurled a bottle of beer in our direction. You see, in 0012451245 2251001510001 posedly protect us from any spirit posses- sions. I happened to look up at this point Tilbury, it’s not the dead you have to worry about. and saw a few ‘Essex Girls’ with bright orange glows alright! The idea was that we So do ghosts exist? Not in supposedly the
wwwwwwwww.printingplace.co.ukwww..printinprintinngplace.cogplacce.cco..uuk were all going to walk about down below in most haunted place in Essex, they don’t.
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BABY FACES & BIG chapstick, of course) is that we get ME & MY adamantium addicted to it because most lip-balms BALLS actually irritate our lips and dry them According to Danish scientists, peo- skeleton out. One of the main ingredients in ple who look younger than their years most lip-balms is a substance called actually end up living longer than ‘Phenol’. their more haggard looking counter- If you’re at all familiar with chemicals, parts. Apparently, this is because then you’ll recognise Phenol as young looking people have more something best known for being cor- ‘Telemores’ in their DNA which give rosive to your skin, eyes and respira- your cells the ability to regenerate, tory tract, as well as also being used much like my namesake Wolverine in embalming fluid. If you were to from the X-Men. inject a single gram into your body, it I do actually look younger than I am would also cause you to immediately and have always been cursed with a die, so it’s pretty odd that so many of baby-face rather than immediately us enjoy slathering our lips in the looking ruggedly-handsome, like Clint stuff. Eastwood used to look in his heyday, Combine that with the little rush that as soon as I turned 18, which is what the added menthol ingredient gives I fully expected to happen (and I’m you, coupled with the ever so nice still waiting, unfortunately). Strangely strawberry or cherry flavour, and you enough, I’ve always felt younger than actually lick your lips more when you I actually am as well, both physically have lip-balm on, which, of course, and mentally, and I constantly have to makes them even drier, so the first remind myself that for god’s sake, I’m thing you do is slap on yet more of nearly 40 and not still 20. the dreaded stuff. From a marketing Unfortunately this also leads me to perspective, it’s sheer genius, where- think that other people are always The Kingmeister reports as from our very own perspective, older than I am and this has got me some of you are scoffing at the idea dle-of-the-road pop music is so popu- we’re curing our dry and irritated lips into hot water with womenfolk on and, more than likely, casting asper- lar. Also like me, you’ve probably by smothering them in something that numerous occasions. sions on my ancestry for even bring- always put it down to the fact that works best when it’s irritating and dry- ing this matter up in the first place. everyone else in the world is an idiot. ing our lips out, which is totally bloody But the fact of the matter is that you, Unfortunately, not everyone is as stu- stupid. me, and everyone around us are pid as we tend to think and it’s actual- Once you start this almost compul- addicted to something, because that’s ly popular because it’s so generic sive cycle and add in the always simply how we’re designed to sounding and predictable. favourite oral fixations most of us behave. So once again, I’m right, Our brains like being able to predict have (oh do get your minds out of the you’re wrong, and yes, my parents stuff and will reward us when we do gutter, please), it’s truly not hard to were married when they had me, it, so all of those bland pop songs see how this can be seen as a legiti- thank you very much. make one portion of your brain start mate addiction. It’s all down to that devious lump of trying to predict the next set of beats, Unfortunately I look more like this jelly in your head. As I’ve mentioned and then another section dumps a countless times before, and will never load of dopamine into your system One of the researchers involved, a cease to hesitate in so doing again in Dr. Christensen, did admit that the the future, your brain is a dick. Not shorter lifespans of my older looking only a dick, but a scheming, lying brethren might just be down to the self-obsessed dick at that, and one fact that they’ve had a harder life and that has no qualms about getting you therefore they’d obviously look a lot addicted to all manner of weird stuff. more knackered, which, while perfect- When I’m talking about addiction, I’m ly logical, is disappointingly prosaic not talking about all the usual compared to having the DNA of an favourites, such as cigarettes and X-Man. that lovely, lovely heroin, but some Another interesting study also linked slightly more esoteric addictions. the role of fatherhood to the size of a Your brain, my brain, all of our brains man’s testicles. Research suggests are addicted to pop music, whether that men with smaller testicles are we like it or not. Trust me, I’ll be the more likely to want to be fathers, first to splutter indignantly at such an whereas those of us with a magnifi- accusation and immediately put on What oral fixation? cent and sumptuous pair of plums are some Norwegian death metal to It’s similar to our addiction to spicy far more likely to enjoy the act of He is The One prove that it’s bullshit, possibly the foods, which is caused by the active baby-making, rather than the 18 odd latest album by Sir Christopher Lee when you do so correctly. ingredients irritating the trigeminal years of horrendous bullshit that who has made several heavy-metal They can use this method to assess nerve, which in turn is responsible for comes after it. albums. Yes, seriously. a songs popularity and it’s so accu- ALL of the sensation in your entire As most of you know, I personally rate that they’ve face. We irritate the trigeminal nerve enjoy the ownership of very large been able to predict with a Vindaloo, so our brain dumps a (singular) bollock and, in my case at future hits by play- load of endorphins into our faces to least, the findings of this research are ing them to people give us a natural high to combat the certainly correct. Taking both sets of wired up to an MRI pain. It’s not hard to see how these research into account, it seems I’m scanner and watch- cycles of pain and pleasure lead to fortunately destined to live for a long ing the pleasure addictive behaviour really, but it’s also time whilst having ALL the sex I could centres of the brain a fairly good indicator that, on some ever wish for, and some of it possibly light up. I’m assum- level at least, we’re all secretly even with women. ing that the record deviant sado-masochists at heart. I can only assume that the latter will companies will soon I’m actually perfectly comfortable with start any time soon and I’ve just been have legions of that and it won’t be the first time I’ll saving up to give me something to cloned teenagers in have made use of some Vaseline in enjoy during my twilight years. Still, at Told you so factories hooked up to MRI scanners the bedroom, or a Vindaloo for that least my ‘Telemore’ count means I while they get force-fed Katy Perry matter. can afford to be a little patient, I I’m actually listening to Motorhead as and Lady Gaga 24-7. It’ll be like guess. I write my column this month, which Justin Beiber’s version of the Matrix is as just about as whiskey-swilling before we know it. THE ADDICTION and manly as music gets. However, Far stranger than being addicted to AFFLICTION my brain still gets an actual high from pop music, and probably even more popular music. embarrassing, is the fact that you can We’re all addicted to something or If you’re anything like me, you’re (a) easily get addicted to lip-balm, of all other, whether we know it or not. very lucky indeed, and (b) you’ve things. The really disturbing thing Obviously it’s not something any of probably wondered why all that mid- about this (unless you have shares in us admit to and even now I’m sure Page 26 The Edge 01245 348256 The Edge 204_The Edge 172.qxd 25/09/2013 18:48 Page 27
IT DRIVES YOU CRAZY fill, a fee to pay, and finally you get a temporary Learner Permit. The actual credit card sized So here’s a thing.... license arrives a few days later in the mail.
After 40 plus years of driving, I’ve finally passed Next step is a compulsory five hour safety lec- my test. That sentence is stretching the truth to ture. You phone a local driving school and book make a (mildly) amusing point of course, but a Saturday appointment. As it happens the five having a driving license in the US is a major step hours is more like three, and that includes 45 in your integration into the country. minutes for lunch. The lecture is mainly a rant about the evils of drink and drugs, but you have In the UK you only get your driving license out in to sit through it to get your certificate. two situations. Firstly, you’ve been pulled over by the police, and secondly, when you want to rent a Armed with your Learner Permit and Safety car. At all other times it remains, collecting cob- Course Certificate you can now book a driving webs, firmly in your wallet or handbag. Younger test. If you have neither a car nor an authorised people have a third use for it - to prove they are driver to accompany you, this poses a bit of a old enough to throw up in the street, but that one problem. No fear, the driving school will take care doesn’t really count for the general populace. Even though I have no need of a car in Manhat- of all this for a substantial fee. Yippee. tan, but knowing all of the aforesaid, I decided, This might sound a bit over the top, but over “I gotta get me one of those”, to quote a line from Come the day of the test you book an hour with here, the possession of a driving license is the some film or other. an instructor to teach you the local rules and only real proof that you exist as a person. You expectations, then go to the test site, which fortu- are asked for ID in many places. For example, Here’s the deal. You have to take a theory test, nately is not on Manhattan but out in the suburbs opening a bank account, taking out insurance or just as you do in the UK, but it’s a very simple a bit. It’s a first come first served situation, so you even just gaining access to an office block where paper with 20 multiple choice questions and you park in a line, and the examiners work their way you have a pre-arranged appointment. In all of only need to get 14 of them right to pass. It really through the queue. The test is ridiculously easy - these cases, they expect you to have a driving is that easy, but there are local rules that aren’t literally a rectangular course around three blocks. license to show you are who you say you are. obvious to a Brit, so you do need to read the You need to do a three point turn - known here manual first. as a ‘broken U’ - and a parallel park, and as long Non Resident Aliens, like myself, have to resort as you don’t touch the kerb with either of those, to carrying their passport around the whole time, Having spent a whole afternoon studying the and haven’t killed any pedestrians, that’s just and even then, a passport is looked upon suspi- manual, you fill in a form and take it to the local about enough to get you through. Five minutes ciously by poorly educated security officers who Department of Motor Vehicles with proof of ID. top to bottom. know a driving license when they see one, but Ha! Ironic, no? get a bit flummoxed when presented with a big The total cost? $425, and that’s with just a soli- maroon book. Then you stand in line for half-an-hour to take tary hour of driving instruction, remember. But your theory test. Assuming you pass, you stand £300 is a small price to pay to prove you exist, it Bear in mind that the vast majority of Americans in a different line for another half-an-hour to have seems to me. Now, do you want to hear about do not possess a passport, so it’s not surprising your picture taken. And then the serious waiting the motor cycle test? that the driving license, the one government starts. You have a numbered ticket, like at the
issued document that everyone holds, has taken meat counter in Sainsbury’s, and wait for maybe No, I don’t blame you.
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The Edge 204_The Edge 172.qxd 25/09/2013 20:12 Page 28 The Edge’s ex-accountant - simply due to retirement - one Francis Butler. 1954 Rover P4 90 Drophead Dearest Francis had been promising was about 10, so that’s how old I am) he’d take me to lunch in his Rover and was so well received that Rover Drophead for the past couple of years, thought: “Eeee by gum” and decided to when just last month, out of the blue, approach Mulliner of Birmingham to it finally happened. replicate the Italian bodied drophead “We need a nice day because it’s a version in aluminium - as opposed to drophead,” he kept on repeating. steel - on a 1954 Rover 90 vehicle base. To tell you the truth, I didn’t really know And the result, ladies and gentlemen, is what he was warbling on about. A drop- the car you see above, only because it’s head. What’s a bloody drophead? made out of aluminium and it’s counter- Oh, a convertible/softop, he must have part is fully steel bodied, that, to The meant. Well why didn’t he say so? Edge at least, makes Frank’s car When he turned up in it at ‘Edge absolutely unique....a bit like the Towers’, distracted as I was by his Batmobile. peaked ‘serious vintage motorist’ cap (Incidentally the steel-bodied drophead and tablecloth shirt, I have to say I was is owned by a dentist in Canterbury). pretty impressed about everything bar- The reason why Rover never mass pro- ring his fashion sense. duced this vehicle is simply because the At first glance, Frank’s pride possession costs to build Frank’s car proved far too prohibitive, and with the addition of 50% kind of looks like a baby Bentley, don’t you think? purchase tax (at that time), Rover And it had no seatbelts, no head deduced that the market would not bear restraints and a pull-out choke (“Be the ultimate price. careful you don’t flood it!”). So what’s it worth now? But the most jaw-dropping news of all “How long’s a piece of string?” counters (are you sitting down for this one, read- Frank, although when further pressed ers?) is that only two - yes two - of these estimated that it could be anything motors were only ever made. between £35,000 to £75,000. “It all How about that? I mean, truly, isn’t that depends on how much somebody really something? wants to buy it.” The story is that Rover commissioned a Huff. I know what I’d do with that sort of money, if someone gave it to me (dream bloke called Sergio Pininfarina (of the Pininfarina Design House, which is on) on the strict condition that it simply Italian, of course) to rebody two Rover had to be spend it on a motor car. I’d get P4 75’s - one as a fixedhead (i.e. with a me the best second-hand Porsche roof on) and one as a drophead (with- Panamera S (as I’m assuming a new out). The drophead version was actually one is in excess of £75k?) that money displayed at the 1953 Earls Court Motor could buy and leave blokes like Frank to Show (and your editor actually went to a their own peculiar devices. Motor Show at Earls Court, back when I >4: (&3 &(9:&11> 5&70 >4:7 ( The Edge’s dream car - a Porsche Panamera S! Page 28 The Edge 01245 348256
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THE ANSWERS TO LIFE, THE UNIVERSE & CARROTS by Robert Rutherford In my hand I hold a device capable of accessing almost self same issue, solved it, and posted the answer the entirety of all human knowledge. We all have one. somewhere so that I can subsequently become an I’m referring to my ’phone, of course. expert in minutes. Thus I no longer need to learn the By using Google to search the internet there is very route to the solution as I can simply go straight to the little I would struggle to research quickly. Whether I answer. But will this access to knowledge replace the wanted to know who played the title song to Top Gear need to actually learn something? Will we become col- or I needed to find a formula for Microsoft Excel, then lectively intelligent, yet individually stupid? the chances are that I have virtually instant access to Before I had a mobile ’phone I used to know every- the answers. one’s ’phone numbers off the top of my head. Back But the thing of it is that despite having such easy then I would have been in contact far less with people, access to endless amounts of knowledge, we haven’t yet I remembered everyone’s number from having to all become experts in our chosen fields. We don’t all dial them. However, now that I am in contact with those know the history of industrial Britain and we can’t all same people far more often, I have absolutely no clue adequately explain quantum mechanics. Hell, I still “Recently I posted a as to what anyone’s ’phone number is. I simply rely don’t even understand basic mechanics. photograph of some upon my ’phone knowing everyone’s number. I also The omniscient electronic devices we all carry are tend to rely upon sat nav to get me where I’m going instead used for nattering to our friends and telling carrots I grew in my rather than ever learning the route anywhere, plus I’m social websites what we had for breakfast. Instead of garden on the internet.” ever more reliant on autospell when using my ’phone. absorbing the wealth of documented knowledge pocket sized all-knowledge machine to share such a Imagine a pub quiz where everyone was allowed to use already available to us, we have just added a wealth of moment with both friends and acquaintances. their ’phones to access the internet for the answers. trivia to it. For each and every life changing, mankind- That said, my unimpressively unimportant carrots have Who would win? Everyone would get 100% (except Mr improving piece of knowledge published on the inter- this been digitally documented and in hundreds of Edge who doesn’t even know how to use his ’phone). net, there are probably two million photos of cats. years time historians may discover these records and The pub quiz would be pointless as everyone would be I am personally one of the worst offenders for adding end up pondering what sort of a culture would feel the equal. So if we no longer need to memorise the such content. Only recently I posted a photo of some need to document small crooked carrots. answers to anything, will we still bother to learn any- carrots that had grown in my garden. Did this add any- So what does that say about us? thing, or will we end up reliant upon what the internet thing to the world or progress? Was it a noteworthy More to the point, what does it say about me? knows on our behalf? photograph? Did it inspire someone to write a song or Years ago, before the internet, when grumpy cats didn’t My little boy and his entire generation are growing up in create a work of art about it? Did it resolve any wars? become famous and you only knew what someone was a world where they are able to have instant answers to The simple answer is no. It was just a picture of some having for breakfast if you happened to be sat right any question. I wonder if this will empower them to carrots. Mostly orange in colour. Even traffic lights are next to them, I had to learn how to use a computer constantly expand their knowledge, or if it will simply at least three times more exciting than that. from books, teachers, and friends. Since the internet, I mean that they will never need to. Maybe, just like us, In the grand scheme of things, it really was one of the simply use Google to find all of the answers that I they’ll simply find new ways to document their break- most trivial and inconsequential moments that has ever need. Generally speaking, if I have an issue with a fast and look at photos of cats that appear to be in a bit happened in the history of the Earth, yet I still used my piece of software, someone else has already had that of an odd mood.
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UP TO 50% OFF SELECTED LADIES PVC NAUGHTY WEAR! Official stockists of the ‘50 SHADES OF GREY’ range! 10% OFF HERBAL VIAGRA ONLY The Ladyboys of Bangkok WHEN YOU MENTION THE EDGE! )% $/).' ! " Licensed Sex Shop )% $/).' ! at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival 1000’s of DVD’s from under £10 " Largest range of Herbal Viagra in the area The internationally renowned and culturally exquisite Edinburgh Festival All the latest Adult Toys in stock was once again upon us this August, writes James Wood. It’s difficult to Lingerie sum up such diversity in a very few words, but I draw upon one show to PVC help express the creative genius and intellectual brilliance that dominates Rubber Everything (and MORE) for fun loving singles/couples the festival. I speak of The Ladyboys of Bangkok , of course, who once Open ’til 7:00pm again delivered one of the best evenings that the festival had to offer. Just 1 minutes walk from both Chelmsford Bus & Rail stations Established in Chelmsford for the past 20 years The show is situated in a huge marquee in a park in the centre of the city Knowledgeable, discreet, friendly staff. and is nearly always sold out. You are greeted at the door by several dwarfs who show you to your table where you can order drinks and watch the show with your friends. The show itself is cabaret, but not your tradition- al sort; they focus on parodies of popular contemporary artists, such as Lady Gaga and Psy, whilst also writing some of their own songs, as well as # '(& parodying books and films, such as Fifty Shades of Grey . # '(& Fantasy14 Broomfield Road, Chelmsford. I had set myself a mission this year to find how these Ladyboys manage to TEL. 01245 28 33 00 confuse my sexuality so much! They are utterly convincing as women and EROTIC you would not easily be able to differentiate them from any other woman, and that is the truth. This year I attempted to get a little closer to them than usual with the intention of snapping a photo, but they wished to charge me five pounds for the privilege, and so, being a poor student, I immediately declined (after all: when in Scotland). All was not lost, however, as there were a lot of adverts in the tent for a nightclub that The Ladyboys all apparently frequent after their show, so I thought I’d saunter on down there to see if I could get a hold of one of them. What a thoroughly stupid idea that turned out to be. I scarcely believed they had previously been men during the show, so how could I have expected to determine who was a ladyboy at the nightclub and who was just a lady? So, for pure fear of not wanting to insult any Thai ladies that might have been visiting the Scottish capital for the festival, I immedi- ately ditched my quest and began to sulk instead. Since then I have had to resort to looking up such information on the internet, but I often find myself astounded at what I’m doing with my time, and that’s where my search usu- ally ends. What you must remember with a show like The Ladyboys of Bangkok is that it’s not a show that plays upon the fact that it features ladyboys. When going to a show such as this, many people assume that that’s its only draw. However, it is an incredibly entertaining piece of theatre in its own right, aside from the fact that it features incredibly convincing ladyboys. Their show enables these ladyboys to earn a relatively decent living which they might find difficult otherwise. They also get to see the world and entertain millions through their performance, rather than by their sexuality alone. Page 30 The Edge 01245 348256
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