an important year for music, as in that WORDS FROM THE same year FEED US A FETUS by the was released. Well folks, lemme tell ya something. Sure, MASTER OF PUPPETS was a WIZARD massive success for METALLICA, but it’s seriously overrated, with many a DECEMBER IS HERE mediocre track on it. Yes, REIGN IN AND WE ARE PUMPED BLOOD melts faces, but not every track on it is all that memorable, and suff ers FOR A GREAT MONTH OF on the whole because of that. And yes, PEACE SELLS (But who’s buying?) SHOWS, GAMES, PEROGIES is solid, but once again, defi nitely not the strongest eff ort by Megadeth. AND XMAS FUN!! Until I fi nd something that proves me wrong, I’m going to say that FEED US Things have been busy at the ol’ House of TARG, our wizards A FETUS, the quintessential album by are working overtime to prepare for your visit – thank you the DAYGLO ABORTIONS was the for a great year of action – we are grateful to everyone in our best thrash album of 1986. FEED US community for the support over the last year!! Operating a A FETUS is not only one of the best small business is a challenging and very rewarding experience examples of how much metal and punk combined can kick ass, but also one of - we couldn’t do it without you. We’ve got so much happening the best Canadian punk/metal albums in the coming months and are excited to serve our community of all time. by bringing in the best shows we can secure, the coolest games we can fi nd and a perogi menu that keeps growing – From the SNOTTY vocals of singer/ never give up!! guitarist (and also the sole original member in their current lineup) THE - YOGI CRETIN to their weird, thin guitar tone, their absurd lyrics, and even their album cover, the entire album should annoy you. But for some reason, you can’t help but immediately love it. The album kicks off with the aptly named STUPID DAYGLO ABORTIONS SONGS, and you know you are in for Feed Us A Fetus quite the ride. With trashy riff age and Label: “whoa-ohs” a plenty, STUPID SONGS absolutely destroys.You listen to it, HOO BOY FOLKS, WE GOT 8,9,26 times in a row, and then proceed A REAL CLASSIC ON OUR to the rest of the album. Every single HANDS HERE. 1986, as you should song on this album is memorable (and all know, brought us some of the best with over 20 tracks, that’s quite the and most iconic thrash metal albums feat), and after only a few listens you of all time (Peace Sells, Reign in will be singing along to every chorus Blood, Master of Puppets, you get here and banging yer head. While few the idea). However, all these albums of the songs here expand beyond the are of iconic American bands, so it is crossover thrash formula, they are clear the music historians were not all distinct, and don’t blend together thinking about what the hosers were up to when deciding why this was CONTINUED ON PAGE 10 SSKAKA JJEFF’SEFF’S HHI-FIVES:I-FIVES: YOU KNOW WHAT SUCKS ABOUT THE HOLIDAYS? ANNOYING CHRISTMAS CAROLS. FORTUNATELY (OR FOR SOME UNFORTUNATELY), THERE ARE A FEW X-MAS JAMS WRITTEN SPECIFICALLY TO KEEP YOU HEADBANGIN’ THE ENTIRE YULETIDE SEASON.

HELP ME SLO’ TOM: My girlfriend dumped me, plus I lost my job at The Source by Circuit City (formerly Radio Shack, a division of Tandy Leather Goods). It’s a drag, but I can deal with it. The problem is, over the years I’ve exaggerated my lifestyle a teensy- weensy bit… I’ve told my parents that I’m the CEO of a high tech company and that my fi ancé is a big wig in the Foreign Service. Now the holidays are almost here. I don’t want to ruin Christmas but I’ve got to tell them… right? – Signed: Desper8

Hey Desper8: No off ense, but unless your parents are as stupid as you, there’s no way they believe the lies you’ve told them. So stick with the charade – trust me, they’re already playing along! Happy Holidays! #5. SPINAL TAP: #4. TWISTED CHRISTMAS WITH SISTER: A TWISTED THE DEVIL (1984): CHRISTMAS (2006): DEAR MR. SLO’: Every year my brother invites me to spend This was released on Twisted Sister released #1. WE WISH Christmas with his family and I hate it! It’s total chaos: they start 7” and includes the an x-mas album? Yep! YOU A HAIRY drinking at noon, somebody always burns the turkey, and last year “Scratch Mix”. & it’s better than what one of the nephews puked in my stocking! How do I politely decline Grandma planned on CHRISTMAS: this yearly nightmare without off ending him? throwing on. – Signed: Not-So-Merry-Christmas (2003) Warrant, Dear Not-So-Merry-Christmas: No off ense, but you sound like a real dick. Danger Danger, Christmas is a time to count your blessings. I receive hundreds of letters L.A. Guns and from readers who are dreading truly horrendous festive family gatherings… In comparison, what you describe sounds positively heartwarming! You’re others doing practically living in a goddam Norman Rockwell painting, for christ sakes. Stop x-mas tunes like your belly aching. Maybe if you join them and start drinking at noon you might not be such a wet blanket this year, you jerk. Jingle Bell Rock. The stench of HEY THERE TOM: WHAT’S THE PERFECT GIFT CAN I GET FOR #3. WE WISH YOU A #2. CRISTOPHER cheese is strong THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE WHO HAS EVERYTHING? METAL XMAS AND LEE: A HEAVY on this album, but – Signed: PerfectPresent A HEADBANGING METAL CHRISTMAS NEW YEAR (2008): (2012): Christopher it still rules. Dear PerfectPresent: That “special someone who has everything” Let’s just say Lemmy Lee playing metal really just wants more time with YOU!!! Show your love by taking them out for does a version of Run versions of x-mas some fi ne, high class culture. I know what you’re thinking: the NAC Orchestra or Rudolph Run. What songs? Amazing! Rest maybe the ballet! Yeah, right! That stuff is expensive… & boring! I’m talking the more could you ask in peace, my good sir. 15th Annual SEASON’S BEATINGS Holiday Spectacular live at TARG December for? 18 & 19! See ya there, perfectpresent GAME OF THRONES PINBALL LAUNCH PARTY Presented by: Ottawa Punk Pinball & OttawaPinball.com

Cover: FREE Doors: 5pm Tournament Qualifying Hours: Wed Dec 16 5pm-10pm

All Ages/All Skill Levels Welcome! TRON LEGACY SKILL SHOT TOURNAMENT FORMAT Get the ball into FLYNN’S Best Game Qualifying (Unlimited ARCADE (where the cool little Entries). Qualifying entries may be TRON arcade machine is). If purchased and played between you plunge softly, the ball rolls 5pm-10pm with Tournament Finals through the one-way gate at thereafter. Drop in anytime to try the end of the shooter lane on and throw down a high score! Top 4 Scores/Players of the night the right, & can bounce off make Finals (4 player head-to-head single elimination game). the Flynn’s divider to fall into the scoop (A) for 500K points. COSTS - NO COVER - PAY TO PLAY Single Game Entries - $TBD (game will be on FREEPLAY - no coin drop - just buy your entry/ entries and play!) Unlimited Entries/No Cap DRACULA SKILL SHOT PRIZES -100% of Entry $$$ will be given back to players in the prize This one is purely a matter of pool (less nominal $10 deduction for event expenses) timing. The display will show a three-faced gargoyle (A), with each face fl ashing in turn. When the ball hits the Drop Target after being launched, the Skill Shot award depends on the face which is lit. The left face awards 100K, and the right face awards 500K. The center face awards 1M the fi rst time, increasing by 1M each subsequent time to a maximum of 5M. WICKED ALBUMS REVIEWED BY A MILLENNIAL CONTINUED distinct, and don’t blend together while maintaining a distinct sound throughout.

While much of the lyrical content on F.U.A.F. is absolutely ridiculous and contains a healthy dose of off ensive material, it’s nothing that you should be shocked at (unless you happen to be the grand duke of PCVille). While I’m sure even the Dayglos themselves would admit a few songs here are completely nonsensical (read the lyrics to dog farts if you haven’t), there are multiple tracks where they show their political side. Many of their more political songs are at least slightly jokey still, and very clever (ex. Ronald McRaygun). There is one track (by the name of BEDTIME STORY), where all humour is forgotten, and they have lyrics that are reminiscent of Discharge in that they deal with the horrors of war, and the day the bombs drop on us.

Combining and thrash riff s with snotty punk vocals, the Dayglos set the standard for the legions of joke punk and party thrash bands (Such as Municipal Waste) that have formed since. Even in Ottawa, there are bands that were inspired by the ridiculous metal/punk of the Dayglos ( such as local hoser thrashers World War 4).

Catch the DAYGLO ABORTIONS at TARG TUES DEC 29 with local drunk punx SHOOTIN’ BLANX, intergenerational metal/punk METAL PATROL & local punx FUCKMOUTH. Odds are they’ll play some stuff off F.U.A.F. so everyone should come on down and see this legendary band. PARTY/TOURNAMENT We are very THURS DEC 31 – House of TARG and proud to have one of the newest PBR present – NEW YEARS EVE 2015 STERN machines on location and QUARANTINE – hooo boy, this one is are throwing a party to celebrate – gonna be a doozy. Tickets on sale at tournament starts at 5pm, all skill the bar for a night you won’t ever forget A GUIDE TO ALL THE CONCERTS TAKING levels welcome, no cover, pay to play - TARG has become well known for our – give r a rip!! *prizes* HALLOWEEN and NEW YEARS shows PLACE AT HOUSE OF TARG THIS DECEMBER – every year we take it up a notch and THURS DEC 17 – House of TARG, push ourselves to bring you an insane PBR and Spectrasonic present: A night of entertainment, prizes, games THURS DEC 3 – House of TARG and artists while you’re doin’ it!! Pottery, WILHELM SCREAM + PEARS + and weirdo fun PLUS there will be plenty PBR present: 80’s DANCE PARTY with t-shirts, zines, silk screened patches, BRUTAL YOUTH + PISTOLS AT of dancing courtesy of DJ KJMaxx & DJ REMI ROYALE A dance party featuring embroidery, knitted accessories, DAWN Join us for a killer night of REMI ROYALE – join us - we have the an eclectic selection of songs and original artwork, prints metal work, melodic-hardcore/punk/rock – this bill *virus 2.0.1.5.* vaccine!!! videos from the 80’s, Price Is Right style guitar pedals, used and vintage is stacked!! *guitar wizards* games for the audience to participate clothing, tarot card readings, hand EVERY SUNDAY – FREEPLAY in and win prizes. Videogames. Pinball. painted shirts and christmas cards, FRI DEC 18/SAT DEC 19 – House AFTER 9PM House of TARG and Steam Pop-up sing-a-longs with host MC and lingerie, wood work, jewelry – nuff of TARG, Beau’s All Natural, Ashton Whistle Brewing present: TOUGHEN DJ,Remi Royale!!! The most authentic said? *1$ off perogies* Brewing and Necro Amusements UP! w/ DJ KJMaxx + guests - spinning 80’s experience!! *hot dogs* present: SEASONS BEATINGS!! Two your favourite WAX arcade jams from THURS DEC 10 – House of TARG nights of Xmas fun featuring weirdo 9pm till 2am – All the Pinball & Classic FRI DEC 4 – House of TARG, Beau’s and PBR present: 80’s DANCE PARTY movies, projections, prizes and a Arcade Game Action You Can Handle All Natural and Valhalla holdings with REMI ROYALE A dance party lineup of bands/talent that’ll have you For Just 5 Measly Canadian Dollars. present: WARSENAL + DEALER + ACID featuring an eclectic selection of crying in your beer in no time - CROSS This amazing line-up of wicked songs and videos from the 80’s, Price NITE ONE: REMI ROYALE + SLO’ metal talent is 100% GuaranteedHeavy! Is Right style games for the audience TOM + SUPER AWESOME CLUB Thrash/Speed Metal, Crossover/Thrash, to participate in and win prizes. NITE TWO: FLYING FORTRESS + Blackened Metal Punk/Thrash - this Videogames. Pinball. Pop-up sing- WORLD WAR 4 + BLACKBREAD is also the tape release show for ACID a-longs with host MC and DJ,Remi *kookoobananas* CROSS’ Black Moon Rites! *Stoked* Royale!!! The most authentic 80’s experience!! *hot dogs* TUES DEC 29 – House of TARG and SAT DEC 5 – House of TARG, Chord Productions present: DAYGLO Spectrasonic and Ashton Brewing FRI DEC 11 – House of TARG and ABORTIONS + SHOOTIN’ BLANX present: THE ELWINS + HEYROCCO Beau’s All Natural present: BCASA + METAL PATROL + FUCK MOUTH + MOSELY A sweet night of indie/pop, + BOIDS + CRITICULL The self- The Dayglo’s are quite possibly the grunge/pop and Ottawa rock!! Big proclaimed greatest band in the defi nition of “Canuck Punk”. Formed thanks as to our pals at Spectrasonic universe, has proclaimed that THIS will during the heyday of Punk back for their hard work consistently booking be the last banger in Ottawa! The walls in 1979. Look forward to seeing killer touring talent – awesome!! of HOUSE OF TARG will barely be able founding member Murray “The Cretin” *Ottawa* to contain the fl ood of sweaty hugs perform some of the most storied and kisses! *do not miss* tunes from their amazing metal TUES DEC 8 – House of TARG infused punk catalogue. What a treat! and Spectrasonic present: RITUAL SAT DEC 12 – House of TARG, *legends* + ‘68 + HERE COMES BIGFOOT + Ashton Brewing & Shade Nyx’s Theatre HALFSLEEPER. Pounding, unforgiving Macabre present – NAUGHTY, NOT WED DEC 30 – House of TARG metalcore, dissonant angular NICE: A KINKY KRISTMAS SHOW!. presents: THE FUSE + REMEMBER guitar riff s... harsh barks creating an – always a pleasure to host an THE ARCADIANS + THE ICE COLD impermeably claustrophobic sonic evening of burlesque featuring some BEERS + STREET HILLS + CAVES environment – sold!! *School night – of Ottawa’s best routines and talent - + SAM BARKWELL All ages show!! early doors, 8pm* benefi ts to the Cornerstone Women’s Come check out some great bands, Shelter *adult content* games and perogies – have fun and WED DEC 9 – House of TARG respect the rules/guidelines of an presents: COOL KIDS CRAFT SHOW WED DEC 16 – House of TARG, all ages event so we can keep em’ No Cover, doors at 5pm – huge list Ottawa Pinball and Ottawa Punk comin!! *nevergiveup* of vendors to check out, get all your Pinball League present: GAME xmas shopping done and support local OF THRONES PINBALL LAUNCH

ABSOLUTELY NASTY, FOR YOUR HORRIBLE & PASSIVE EX BOYFRIEND He dumped you for a younger woman AGGRESSIVE GIFT IDEAS even though he is on the verge of losing all of his hair. It’s Just a matter of time FOR THE before he gets crushed & spends a life alone. Spray on hair doesn’t work & is MILITANT VEGAN a gentle reminder that he will never get When they open up you or his awesome Johnny-Depp-Do this gross box of non- back. In your face jerk! biodegradable meat & cheese & exclaim “consumption of animal products is unethical”, you can tell them “don’t sweat it, FOR YOUR the rest of us don’t eat this BIGSHOT TORONTO FRIEND crap either!” There are advantages to living in a world class city: opportunity, nice FOR YOUR shoes, seeing the Melvins & your Tdot pal constantly lets you ANNOYING COUSIN know it. This irresistible gift will Nothing says “I’m just have them questioning why phoneing it in” like a lottery they can’t play pinball & eat ticket. Go with a long shot perogies in their precious city. sequence of losing numbers HA! Toque touché! Pre-order & make sure they know you one at bar before they all hand picked the digits just for end up in Toronto. them. How sweet of you!

FOR YOUR FOR YOUR CRAPPY BOSS EX GIRLFRIEND Yer boss knows they’re incompetent She dumped you for a guy who right? Test your hypothesis with a actually has an income & a drivers personalized cup. If she asks for license but you are sick of seeing an unnecessary TPS report while her lame Jamaican wedding pics on hovering over your desk with the new Facebook. Totally mean but imagine mug, you will know the message was the fury you could cause with this delivered “successfully”. gift. Unleash the xmas fury! ARMATRON a joystick controlled robotic arm. Once you got bored moving around the objects of the fake radiation set, you moved on to dipping your fries into ketchup which took +3hrs and made the last ones cold and inedible.

PXL2000 (PIXELVISION) used audio cassettes to record video/ PLAY WITH SOME OF audio & was so THESE TOYS AT THE NEXT cheap compared to vid cams in the 80’s, 80’S DANCE instead of having PARTY WITH 10 cassettes of me & my friends farts, I REMI ROYALE have 10 cassettes of audio AND video of THURSDAY our farts. DECEMBER 10

CAPTAIN POWER a TV show with COUCH POTATO A/V segments that The term “Couch Potato” interacted with toys. was fi rst used in 1976, The post-apocalyptic but with the advent of storyline, violence, TEDDY RUXPIN VHS, gaming consoles & shooting guns at was an animatronic talking bear maybe the best decade the screen & reports who’s mouth and eyes moved for junk food, Couch of seizures from while “reading” stories that were Potato, came out at the the fl ickering lights played on a cassette deck built peak of being Le King activating the toys into it. Even cooler when it lip Of Le Divan (see Plastic sank the toy line. syncs Maiden tapes. Bertrand), in the 80’s. BACK IN STOCK IRON MAIDEN, TROOPER ALE Sovereign Beverage Company Ltd Alcohol/Vol - 4.7% Made in: England, United Kingdom Style: Medium & Malty

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