SNL SKETCH PACKET '19

written by

Michael Rowland & Julien Perez A BIRD IN THE HOUSE (DIGITAL) Beck Bennet, Cecily Strong, Melissa Villasenor, Kenan Thompson, Ego Nwodim, Kyle Mooney, Aidy Bryant, Mikey Day, Kate McKinnon, Heidi Gardener, Leslie Jones, Alex Moffat (V.O), and Natasha Lyonne (Host). INT. DINNING ROOM - AFTERNOON A banner reads "Happy Graduation Beth and Nicole." The dining room table is set buffet style. BECK, CECILY, MELISSA, LESLIE, and EGO sit around the table. BECK Listen, Alex Jones does his research, if he says they're crisis actors then they're crisis actors! LESLIE Bill, those are grieving parents! Don't you have any sympathy? CECILY Excuse me! But my husband is the sweetest man I know! KENAN Don't you raise your voice at my wife! Melissa and Ego shoot each other embarrassed glances. ALEX (V.O) Has the conversation just taken a turn for the worse? INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY AIDY, MIKEY, and KYLE sit in a living room, watching TV. AIDY I just can't believe they're still kneeling! KYLE What do you mean they!? AIDY Oh, don't start with me, boy. Mikey, annoyed, raises the volume up. ALEX (V.O.) Are the arguments robbing you of precious family time? 2.

INT. KITCHEN KATE and NATASHA are drinking wine in the kitchen. HEIDI walks in with a skimpy dress on. HEIDI I'm heading out! KATE No daughter of mine is going out dressed like a common street whore! Have some self respect! NATASHA What? Our daughter can't wear something that makes her feel beautiful? Heidi rolls her eyes. HEIDI Can I just leave? NATASHA No, we need to have this conversation. ALEX (V.O.) Do you wish life had an eject button? INT. LIVING ROOM Mikey looks around and pulls out a paper bag. He opens it and a BIRD flies out. ALEX (V.O.) Introducing, a bird in the house. Aidy looks up. AIDY Oh my god! There's a bird in the house! KYLE Get a broom, get a broom! It has diseases! INT. DINNING ROOM - DAY Ego nudges Melissa, she pulls a bag from under the table and releases a bird. BECK Son of a bitch, there's a bird in the house.

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Everyone accept Ego and Melissa stands up and spring into action. KENAN Oh dear god! CECILY Was a window open? The bird swoops over the dinner table and perches in the corner of the room. Leslie runs over with her arms up. LESLIE I've got it cornered! BECK Don't let it poop on my potato salad! Melissa and Ego sit back and smile at each other. ALEX (V.O.) For when you need a little R&R. The bird poops on Cecily. CECILY Oh my god it's in my mouth! Cecily spits outward right on Kenan's face. KENAN Oh god! Kenan covers his face and walks into the table, knocking off the potato salad. BECK My potato salad! INT. KITCHEN KATE She's showing too much cleavage! How is that okay? NATASHA It's HER body, and it's beautiful! Heidi pulls out a bag and releases the bird. KATE Oh my good lord, we got a bird in the house.

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NATASHA Why does this always happen when we start arguing? Heidi smirks and starts backing out of the kitchen. ALEX (V.O.) When you just want to be free of the petty squabbles. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Kyle and Aidy have a golf club and baseball bat. They swing wildly at the bird as it flies through the room. KYLE I nicked it! AIDY Let mama finish him off! Kyle swings wildly and busts a hole in the wall. Aidy comes in behind him and makes another hole. Mikey reclines in his chair and gives a serene smile. ALEX (V.O.) Unite your family with a common enemy. INT. DINNING ROOM - DAY Beck chases the bird around with a vacuum hose. Leslie grips a text book trying to knock the bird into it. BECK I'm gonna kill this bird! LESLIE Yeah kill that bird! Kenan runs back into frame and slips on the potato salad. Cecily is brushing her tongue with a toothbrush. Melissa and Ego eat happily. ALEX (V.O.) Ahh, sweet serenity. PULL OUT WIDE ON SCENE ALEX strides into frame, dressed in a suit.

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ALEX So, if you're tired of all the bickering, if you want to reclaim your peace, then choose, a bird in the house. Leslie knock the bird into Beck's vacuum tube. They high five. BECK We got him! LESLIE You're dead bitch! Pause. BECK Oh god, now I feel terrible. ALEX (V.O.) Bird in the house, from the makers of "Skunk Anywhere."

END OF SCENE GAME OF THRONES RE-WRITE SESSION (LIVE) Mikey Day, Kenan Thompson, Cecily Strong, Melissa Villasenor, Beck Bennet, Heidi Gardener, Paul Giamatti (Host) and extras. EXT. MULTI PURPOSE ROOM Sign: "Today: Game of thrones re-write group" INT. MULTI PURPOSE ROOM MIKEY and KENAN stand with a white board at the front of the room. The group sits in chairs facing them. MIKEY Okay, thanks everyone for coming. Yay, for getting out of your house! KENAN We want to thank you for answering our Craigslist ad, I know we have so much to talk about after that disastrous last season of Game of Thrones, and hopefully with your help we can put together a good pitch for HBO. We are of course the moderators of the Tourmand fanpage on facebook, so if we talk, they'll listen. MIKEY So, let's get right into it. If any of you have any ideas, just lay them out there. Remember, there are no bad ideas! I think first and foremost there should have been another season. Kenan writes down on the board. "Another season." PAUL raises his hand. MIKEY (CONT'D) (friendly) Oh, no need for that, bud. Just blurt out what you got. PAUL I wish there was more "How Bizarre." MIKEY Um. I'm sorry, what do you mean? PAUL There should of been more "How Bizarre." MIKEY I don't think I'm understanding this.

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Kenan writes down. "More bizarre?" PAUL More Bizarre! I like that. MIKEY Okay, let's move on. Anyone else? VANESSA I think there was a real problem with how women were written this season. Couldn't there have been some scenes where-- Paul starts playing the song "How Bizarre" by OMC on his phone. The opening guitar riffs quiets the room. PAUL (in rythym w/ song) More Bizarre. More Bizarre. KENAN Ohhh, the song, "How Bizarre." PAUL This guys gets it. MIKEY Please, don't interrupt! And that's not even Game of Thrones related -- can you please turn that off!? Music stops. MIKEY (CONT'D) (serious) You can't have contemporary music in a fantasy period piece! I mean, am I crazy!? PAUL Just imagine how deep it would be if Jon told Dany that he's her cousin while OMC jammed out in the background. (singing) How Bizarre, How Bizarre // Oooh Baby, you makin' me crazy! MIKEY It doesn't work. Okay! (to Kenan) Erase it!

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PAUL Every time I look around // It's in my face! MIKEY Stop. That's awful. PAUL I thought you said there were no bad ideas! KENAN You did say that. MIKEY Fine, leave it up. Let's move on, shall we. MELISSA I think Jon should still kill Dany, but ends up leaving the throne to his sister Sansa. I mean, she's the most deserving one. MIKEY Now, I like where this is going. Write that one up. Kenan adds it. PAUL And more incest! MIKEY Hey! Can we stick to the main themes and plot of the show? PAUL I'm sorry, but I thought we wanted to push the envelope here. Let's take this show to it's deserving conclusion. G.R.R.M. tee'd the ball up, I'm just trying to hit that puppy passed the bleachers. MIKEY Do you even care about this show!? MELISSA Well, to his point, there should have been more Jamie and Cersei scenes. I mean, that arc felt empty and rushed.

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PAUL Oh, no! I mean, more straight up family banging time. Jamie and Cersei, Arya and Sansa, the hound and the mountain, Jon and the dire wolf, hell even those two Greyjoy's could've scissored! Kenan writes it all. MIKEY You're still writing this down!? This is absurd! PAUL I'm just trying to give the people what they want. MIKEY Who wants that? BECK creepily smirks as he raises his hand. MIKEY (CONT'D) Okay, no more willy nilly pitches. We need some order, alright. If you have an idea, please raise your hand. And please, keep it within the realm of the show. CECILY raises her hand. MIKEY (CONT'D) Yes? CECILY This is not so much of an idea but where were the Asians? I mean, every other race was represented -- including dragons, okay? It's not like those people are hard to find. Diversity matters, you guys. MIKEY Um. Sure, I think that's more of a casting issue but thank you. Paul raises his hand. MIKEY (CONT'D) No! PAUL Come on! I have a really good one this time! I mean it!

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MIKEY Nope. We're good, man. PAUL Please. Last one, I promise. Mikey sighs. MIKEY Fine, what? PAUL What if we devote one full episode to the Night King? Why does he want eternal night? What is it he's truly after? We could show some of his relationships. Maybe there's a night family, a night queen even. What's this guys deal? MIKEY Actually. That's not a terrible idea. A whole Night King episode would be really cool, we could make the villain more three dimensional. (to Kenan) Hope you wrote that down. PAUL (interjecting) And then we see, when the night queen is asleep he sneaks into his night cousin's room and they bang because they're having an affair! Paul pulls out his phone and plays "How bizzare." PAUL (CONT'D) How bizzare! How Bizarre! MIKEY Alright, screw this! Mikey walks out. PAUL Anyone else have any ideas? Beck stands up and pulls out his phone. It plays. "Blue" by EIFLE 65. BECK I'm blue daba dee daba die. PAUL My man! THE CHRIST CRATE (LIVE) Aidy Bryant, Pete Davidson, Steve Buscemi (HOST), Beck Bennet (V.O), Kid one, and Kid two. INT. STORE Behind a counter are AIDY and PETE. AIDY Hey y'all, Cassy Calhoun here, owner and creator of the Christ Crate. Pete lazily raises a box on top of the counter. AIDY (CONT'D) Lift it higher sweetie. (then) With the help of my son, Christopher here, and my loving husband, Randy, behind the camera-- BEHIND CAMERA -- INTERCUT Steve sticks his head out. STEVE What? AIDY Randy! I'm doing the script. Like we talked about! STEVE Oh. Aidy sighs and regains composure AIDY We know it’s not always cool to love Christ, but we believe that praising the lord doesn’t need to be that thing your parent's do before football. In fact, it can be pretty darn fulfilling. Isn't that right Christopher? PETE (whispers) What do I say? AIDY (whispers back) Just say yes.

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PETE Oh. Yes. AIDY With our Christ Crate we're showing these "millennials" that loving Jesus can be woke. Aidy pulls out a line of Jesus statues in different skin tones. Starting from bright white to dark black. AIDY (CONT'D) Don't think Jesus was white!? Just let us know your preference. If you ask us, we put Jesus riiiight abooooout here. She lands on a carmel Jesus. AIDY (CONT'D) Are you tired of all your mother's ho- hum Jesus painting? Do you want a Jesus you can "vibe" with? Well, we've got you covered with this Jesus blacklight poster. A beat. AIDY (CONT'D) (aside to behind camera) Randy, hit the lights. STEVE Hold on I don't have my glasses. Randy pats around. Aidy sighs. AIDY They're on your head, Randy. STEVE Oh golly, you're right. Let's see here. Lights go out and black lights come on, the water pouring from Jesus's pitcher turns from water to wine. AIDY (to Pete) Isn't that trippy, my bro? PETE Yes. AIDY This would be perfect with-- Randy! Put up the lights! I can't read the script! (CONTINUED) 3. CONTINUED: (2)

The lights come back on. AIDY (CONT'D) Lord, give me the strength. STEVE I'm sorry, baby. I told you I can't skip breakfast on important days. AIDY As I was saying, this would pair perfect with our new CBD infused prayer candle. There is no THC in this candle, so it won't get you high. (to Pete) And it wont destroy all of your potential! PETE I told you I have anxiety! AIDY You'd be surprised how much prayer could help with that. STEVE Have we gotten to the cards yet? AIDY I'm getting to the cards Randy! She pulls a sleeve of cards out of the box. AIDY (CONT'D) We know how much you kids love your Pokemon and your Yugioh, that's why we created Saints, the Gathering. Beat. AIDY (CONT'D) Randy! Play the tape! STEVE It's not-- CUT TO: INT. AT A KITCHEN TABLE - VIDEO KID ONE and KID TWO, play with Saints, the Gathering. KID ONE throws a prayer card down.

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BECK (V.O.) Now, you can harness the power of all your favorite saints! KID ONE St. Anthony of Padua uses Finders Keepers. 10 attack points! KID TWO My Saint Patrick defends with Luck of the Irish! BECK (V.O.) How fun is that! The tape fast-forwards. The kids continue to battle and have fun. CUT BACK TO: INT. STORE AIDY What did you do Randy!? STEVE I don't know! AIDY Randy, you are ruining my infomercial! STEVE I'm trying my best, here, darling! AIDY Well, your bests not good enough! It never is! PETE Jesus Christ mom, calm down! AIDY I go through all this trouble to make religion fun -- to save your soul from your provocative tattoos that say eff this and b-word that. And don't get me started with that hoodlum Macklemore! PETE You just don't get him, mom! Why do you always take things too far?

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AIDY Take it too far?! I'm fighting the devil for your soul and you tell me I'm taking it too far? I love you enough to come up with this body positive Mary statue with a rounded figure, this airplane bottle of church wine, or even this fidget spinner in the shape of a crucifix! STEVE He didn't mean it, honey. Just calm down. This is being live streamed to the facebook, remember. AIDY Don't tell me to calm down Randy! This whole thing has gone straight to hell! Momma needs her Juul! Aidy storms off. Steve jumps in next to Pete. STEVE Order a Christ Crate today! Your weekly subscription to the good word of Christ! Just sixty-five, ninety-nine. (to Pete) Holy hell, is that per week? Pete shrugs.

END OF SCENE THE SECRET SERVICE MAN (DIGITAL) Alec Baldwin, Cecily Strong, Chris Redd, Kenan Thompson, Beck Bennet, Mikey Day, Heidi Gardener, Bill Hader (Host), Young Boy, VA Group, and extras. INT. HOME QUARTERS - WHITE HOUSE ALEC, as Trump, sits on the couch with a TV remote in hand. ALEC Melania! Melania! CECILY enters. CECILY What do you want? ALEC What channel is Hulu on? CECILY The hulu is on the hulu, Donald! The camera slowly moves passed them and on to BILL, as a stern and stoic secret service man, (Ron). As he stares down the barrel of the camera, Alec and Cecily's voices begin to fade. BILL (V.O.) How did I end up here? EXT. AFGHANISTAN ROADWAY - DAY LOUD GUNFIRE makes Bill and CHRIS, as soldiers, duck behind a Humvee, which lays on it's side on fire. BILL (scared) I don't think we're gonna get out of here, man! Chris pops his head up for a brief second. He pulls himself close to Bill. CHRIS You listen to me, Ron. You tell my wife and daughter I love them! Okay! You're gonna make it back. Before Bill can react, Chris stands up with his rifle at the ready and bum rushes the enemy. He gets shot down immediately.

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BILL Steve! INT. VA THERAPY GROUP Ex military men sit in a circle. Bill, now disheveled and scarred, stands before the group. BILL I just think back on that moment, how Steve sacrificed himself for me. And I can't even bring myself to find his family and tell them his last words. BECK, stands and firmly grips his shoulder. BECK You can do it, Ron. MIKEY begins a chant. MIKEY Ron! Ron! The VA GROUP join in. GROUP Ron! Ron! Ron! INT. DOORWAY The doorbell rings. A door opens. It's EGO and a YOUNG BOY. Bill hands her flowers. BILL I'm so sorry it took me this long. But Steve. He saved my life, and he wanted me to tell you he loves you. As music swells: Bill cries and hugs them. INT. SECRET SERVICE OFFICE KENAN, a high ranking military official, sits across Bill. KENAN Ron, you're a decorated vet and these recommendations are glowing. We're lucky to have an American hero like you on our team. Welcome aboard. They shake hands. 3.

EXT. INAUGAURATION - 2013 Bill stands stoically. He's by a crowd of people watching from afar, as PRESIDENT OBAMA gets inaugurated for the second time. A women, HEIDI, trying to get passed him accidentally bumps his shoulder. She turns to say sorry but stops as their eyes lock. They both smile. INT. FANCY RESTARUANT Bill and Heidi holds hands while eating dinner. HEIDI One day you're gonna be up there. Right next to the president of the United States. I just know it. Bill smirks. BILL And you're gonna be right there next to me, Cindy. Bill gets down on one knee and proposes. She exclaims in joy and hugs him. They kiss. MATCH CUT TO: EXT. WEDDING ARCH They kiss as husband and wife. They run with joy out down the aisle. INT/EXT. CAR Bill drives erratically as he holds Heidi's hand. She's nine months pregnant and currently in labor. BILL Just breath! We're almost there. Suddenly, a SEMI-TRUCK T-bone's them. SMASH CUT: EXT. FUNERAL Bill cries at her grave. When he walks away, her name and the name of their unborn son is revealed on the gravestone: Steven. 4.

INT. RON'S HOME Bill eats alone. He cries to himself. INT. SECRET SERVICE OFFICE Bill sits across from Kenan. KENAN You're gonna be standing right next to him. Congratulations, Ron. You deserve it more than anyone. BILL Thank you, sir. EXT. INAUGAURATION - 2017 Right behind Alec, stands Bill stoic and proud of his achievements. FADE INTO: INT. WEST WING - PRESENT DAY Bill stands with a single tear in his eye. ALEC Justin! Justin! Bill snaps out of it and sees Alec is talking to him. BILL Sir? ALEC What, you don't respond to your name!? BILL Sorry, what do you need sir? ALEC Go get me one of Baron's lunchables. The mexican one. Bill, still in thought, doesn't move. BILL (V.O.) We made it Cindy. Trump CLAPS at him. ALEC Hello! Earth to Justin.

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BILL Sorry, sir. I'm on it.

END OF SCENE