SNL SKETCH PACKET '19 written by Michael Rowland & Julien Perez A BIRD IN THE HOUSE (DIGITAL) Beck Bennet, Cecily Strong, Melissa Villasenor, Kenan Thompson, Ego Nwodim, Kyle Mooney, Aidy Bryant, Mikey Day, Kate McKinnon, Heidi Gardener, Leslie Jones, Alex Moffat (V.O), and Natasha Lyonne (Host). INT. DINNING ROOM - AFTERNOON A banner reads "Happy Graduation Beth and Nicole." The dining room table is set buffet style. BECK, CECILY, MELISSA, LESLIE, and EGO sit around the table. BECK Listen, Alex Jones does his research, if he says they're crisis actors then they're crisis actors! LESLIE Bill, those are grieving parents! Don't you have any sympathy? CECILY Excuse me! But my husband is the sweetest man I know! KENAN Don't you raise your voice at my wife! Melissa and Ego shoot each other embarrassed glances. ALEX (V.O) Has the conversation just taken a turn for the worse? INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY AIDY, MIKEY, and KYLE sit in a living room, watching TV. AIDY I just can't believe they're still kneeling! KYLE What do you mean they!? AIDY Oh, don't start with me, boy. Mikey, annoyed, raises the volume up. ALEX (V.O.) Are the arguments robbing you of precious family time? 2. INT. KITCHEN KATE and NATASHA are drinking wine in the kitchen. HEIDI walks in with a skimpy dress on. HEIDI I'm heading out! KATE No daughter of mine is going out dressed like a common street whore! Have some self respect! NATASHA What? Our daughter can't wear something that makes her feel beautiful? Heidi rolls her eyes. HEIDI Can I just leave? NATASHA No, we need to have this conversation. ALEX (V.O.) Do you wish life had an eject button? INT. LIVING ROOM Mikey looks around and pulls out a paper bag. He opens it and a BIRD flies out. ALEX (V.O.) Introducing, a bird in the house. Aidy looks up. AIDY Oh my god! There's a bird in the house! KYLE Get a broom, get a broom! It has diseases! INT. DINNING ROOM - DAY Ego nudges Melissa, she pulls a bag from under the table and releases a bird. BECK Son of a bitch, there's a bird in the house. (CONTINUED) 3. CONTINUED: Everyone accept Ego and Melissa stands up and spring into action. KENAN Oh dear god! CECILY Was a window open? The bird swoops over the dinner table and perches in the corner of the room. Leslie runs over with her arms up. LESLIE I've got it cornered! BECK Don't let it poop on my potato salad! Melissa and Ego sit back and smile at each other. ALEX (V.O.) For when you need a little R&R. The bird poops on Cecily. CECILY Oh my god it's in my mouth! Cecily spits outward right on Kenan's face. KENAN Oh god! Kenan covers his face and walks into the table, knocking off the potato salad. BECK My potato salad! INT. KITCHEN KATE She's showing too much cleavage! How is that okay? NATASHA It's HER body, and it's beautiful! Heidi pulls out a bag and releases the bird. KATE Oh my good lord, we got a bird in the house. (CONTINUED) 4. CONTINUED: NATASHA Why does this always happen when we start arguing? Heidi smirks and starts backing out of the kitchen. ALEX (V.O.) When you just want to be free of the petty squabbles. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Kyle and Aidy have a golf club and baseball bat. They swing wildly at the bird as it flies through the room. KYLE I nicked it! AIDY Let mama finish him off! Kyle swings wildly and busts a hole in the wall. Aidy comes in behind him and makes another hole. Mikey reclines in his chair and gives a serene smile. ALEX (V.O.) Unite your family with a common enemy. INT. DINNING ROOM - DAY Beck chases the bird around with a vacuum hose. Leslie grips a text book trying to knock the bird into it. BECK I'm gonna kill this bird! LESLIE Yeah kill that bird! Kenan runs back into frame and slips on the potato salad. Cecily is brushing her tongue with a toothbrush. Melissa and Ego eat happily. ALEX (V.O.) Ahh, sweet serenity. PULL OUT WIDE ON SCENE ALEX strides into frame, dressed in a suit. (CONTINUED) 5. CONTINUED: ALEX So, if you're tired of all the bickering, if you want to reclaim your peace, then choose, a bird in the house. Leslie knock the bird into Beck's vacuum tube. They high five. BECK We got him! LESLIE You're dead bitch! Pause. BECK Oh god, now I feel terrible. ALEX (V.O.) Bird in the house, from the makers of "Skunk Anywhere." END OF SCENE GAME OF THRONES RE-WRITE SESSION (LIVE) Mikey Day, Kenan Thompson, Cecily Strong, Melissa Villasenor, Beck Bennet, Heidi Gardener, Paul Giamatti (Host) and extras. EXT. MULTI PURPOSE ROOM Sign: "Today: Game of thrones re-write group" INT. MULTI PURPOSE ROOM MIKEY and KENAN stand with a white board at the front of the room. The group sits in chairs facing them. MIKEY Okay, thanks everyone for coming. Yay, for getting out of your house! KENAN We want to thank you for answering our Craigslist ad, I know we have so much to talk about after that disastrous last season of Game of Thrones, and hopefully with your help we can put together a good pitch for HBO. We are of course the moderators of the Tourmand fanpage on facebook, so if we talk, they'll listen. MIKEY So, let's get right into it. If any of you have any ideas, just lay them out there. Remember, there are no bad ideas! I think first and foremost there should have been another season. Kenan writes down on the board. "Another season." PAUL raises his hand. MIKEY (CONT'D) (friendly) Oh, no need for that, bud. Just blurt out what you got. PAUL I wish there was more "How Bizarre." MIKEY Um. I'm sorry, what do you mean? PAUL There should of been more "How Bizarre." MIKEY I don't think I'm understanding this. (CONTINUED) 2. CONTINUED: Kenan writes down. "More bizarre?" PAUL More Bizarre! I like that. MIKEY Okay, let's move on. Anyone else? VANESSA I think there was a real problem with how women were written this season. Couldn't there have been some scenes where-- Paul starts playing the song "How Bizarre" by OMC on his phone. The opening guitar riffs quiets the room. PAUL (in rythym w/ song) More Bizarre. More Bizarre. KENAN Ohhh, the song, "How Bizarre." PAUL This guys gets it. MIKEY Please, don't interrupt! And that's not even Game of Thrones related -- can you please turn that off!? Music stops. MIKEY (CONT'D) (serious) You can't have contemporary music in a fantasy period piece! I mean, am I crazy!? PAUL Just imagine how deep it would be if Jon told Dany that he's her cousin while OMC jammed out in the background. (singing) How Bizarre, How Bizarre // Oooh Baby, you makin' me crazy! MIKEY It doesn't work. Okay! (to Kenan) Erase it! (CONTINUED) 3. CONTINUED: (2) PAUL Every time I look around // It's in my face! MIKEY Stop. That's awful. PAUL I thought you said there were no bad ideas! KENAN You did say that. MIKEY Fine, leave it up. Let's move on, shall we. MELISSA I think Jon should still kill Dany, but ends up leaving the throne to his sister Sansa. I mean, she's the most deserving one. MIKEY Now, I like where this is going. Write that one up. Kenan adds it. PAUL And more incest! MIKEY Hey! Can we stick to the main themes and plot of the show? PAUL I'm sorry, but I thought we wanted to push the envelope here. Let's take this show to it's deserving conclusion. G.R.R.M. tee'd the ball up, I'm just trying to hit that puppy passed the bleachers. MIKEY Do you even care about this show!? MELISSA Well, to his point, there should have been more Jamie and Cersei scenes. I mean, that arc felt empty and rushed. (CONTINUED) 4. CONTINUED: (3) PAUL Oh, no! I mean, more straight up family banging time. Jamie and Cersei, Arya and Sansa, the hound and the mountain, Jon and the dire wolf, hell even those two Greyjoy's could've scissored! Kenan writes it all. MIKEY You're still writing this down!? This is absurd! PAUL I'm just trying to give the people what they want. MIKEY Who wants that? BECK creepily smirks as he raises his hand. MIKEY (CONT'D) Okay, no more willy nilly pitches. We need some order, alright. If you have an idea, please raise your hand. And please, keep it within the realm of the show. CECILY raises her hand. MIKEY (CONT'D) Yes? CECILY This is not so much of an idea but where were the Asians? I mean, every other race was represented -- including dragons, okay? It's not like those people are hard to find. Diversity matters, you guys. MIKEY Um. Sure, I think that's more of a casting issue but thank you. Paul raises his hand. MIKEY (CONT'D) No! PAUL Come on! I have a really good one this time! I mean it! (CONTINUED) 5. CONTINUED: (4) MIKEY Nope. We're good, man. PAUL Please. Last one, I promise.