'it

No 724 firm management and Mr Tony Churchill and Northey has certainly Rosemary Hosking for brought them under keeping our machinery control. Unfortunately, he working; Dave Jones for has also irritated a lot of worrying his way through a people in the process. term's news pages; Bill Perhaps people should Goodwin and Richard think about all the bad Smith for assisting him; Mooney meals they've had Tracy Spalding, Kamala before criticising Northey. Sen and Jane Speigel for Don Ferguson doing more than their share PRESIDENT Carl Burgess pro^ Student Services was in a of naff jobs; J Martin Taylor appalling mess when Don for cooking the books; How can I sum up why Carl should be President in . Governing Body and Finance Ferguson took over. Very Chris Stapleton and Brian about 100 words and Executive needs exact knowledge of the He has shown his ability, to take on any job and students' case because the President will be facing few students had any Morrison for snapping do it excellently, as Rag Chairman and Rag Mag experienced negotiators A strong President who Editor he has revrtabsed Rag and wifl do the same will nol be intimidated by sue h people is needed 10 confidence in the service away; Sunny Bains for for ICU as Prestdenf He has done a lot for IC, put forward the students' case edited the RCS Handbook, was one of the I believe lhat many students do not get involved being provided. Don ensuring the Office is never founders ol IC Wing Chun Club, represented in the Union because there is a gross lack oi appears to be a little less ICU ai ULU and college committees and has communication between ihe Union and (he dull; Chris Edwards for all been the I C observer at the NUS conference geneial student body Consequently many arrogant with 'ordinary' those pieces of artwork I But havmg sax! thai he still exhibits the decisions are made by a small body self interested charac terbtics of the average student parlies behind closed doors The excuse given is students than Michael wanted the day before Greg Simpson thai if anybody wanted to find out. the information is I reety available I believe lhat students should be Arthur was. Unfortunately, yesterday; Andy Vickers for The job of President needs not only experience in told what is happening about all matters before key siting on common ees bul expenence in deahng derisions are made which affect them, in order for though, he is doing a being trendy; John Burgess with people, birth College Admin and students, on iheir views to be heard degree two days a week. and Sarah Kirk for being personal bass Sittmg on high Carl Burgess This means that he is a arty; Richard Ellis for disciphering the illiterate Sabbaticals scribblings of the various 'Many decisions' wrote DEPUTY PRESIDENT Dave Kingston p; sports teams; Mark Cottle Union President, Carl Who is Dave Kingston? for being the Office hippy; Burgess in his election Well, be is a third year Mathematician who has job Yet agan Ihe Union is facing a reductit l»een heavily involved in the less glamourous side disposable income the money spent mainly c Nigel Atkinson and Pete publicity, 'are made by a nf Union lile " posls he has been elected to so lar clubs and CCU's Already this has provoked are social rep . dep rep . safety rep . and GUC arguments between Ihe Major Sub Committees Hobbis for being general small body of self- delegate He has also been awarded RCS social (the bodies who oversee mosl dubs' activities) and I of the problems the CCU's over nexl year's funding This nit is heros; Jim Clayden and interested parties behind esenlly Confronting the Major Suh Committees deflecting this year's Deputy President from the spite ol his CCU rools and has a good Charlie Troup for reviews; closed doors. The excuse job oi trying to obtain as much money as possible viwledge ol ICU. having been a regular lace in Irom College Quite clearly an end to this split is Grenville Manuel for being given is that if anybody «- Union Office over the lasl 12 n needed A lead in this direction has to come from a - why I am promising Dave for Deputy Deputy Piesident who has a wide knowledge of all the Office's token ethnic wanted to find out, the aspects ol ICU. yet is not tighlly connected with Hugh Stiles any pressure group I think thai I fit the bill minority; Debbie Wilkes for information is freely 1 Refectories ponsibU lor the all the science articles and available. I believe that Improvement in relectones is possible next year with a new refectory manager and the proposed Judith Hackney for lots of students should be told....in JCR She I field refectory swap Mascotry capital ideas. order for their views to be jld like to see Mike appear in public more I would like to thank all heard.' Carl was right to Dave Kingsto: the other people who have » attack the way decisions helped this term and whose are made. Very few Quentin Fontana proposed ft1 names I have forgotten. students know or care enthusiam and reliability, all qualities that I feel I have in abund.mi quantities which will enable me Everyone who has helped about what the Union does. tO carry nut the ,ob eltectively and with the of luss Don't waste your vote, vote for this term has been On Monday Council made ICU Hon Sec. wonderful. They managed decisions that could affect Quenlin Fi the clubs of which you're a member, your residences or your academic course. FELIX attempts to tell you about the decisions that have been made, but you really need to know about the topics for discussion so that you can influence the decisions. Carl has failed to carry out his promise to make to answer. I then rang Rob decisions taken by the Northey who gave me the Union more open. Many answer. It turned out that Union officers, FELIX hacks Dave hadn't made the cock etc have found it extremely up that I had feared. difficult to keep in touch Both Dave and Carl have with what Carl is doing. been heavily criticised this Sabbatical Manifestos: Decide for yourself how well we've They have been refused term by Council and FELIX done documents about the Bar so I can understand their little difficult to find. It is to put up with me for a takeover, for example. I reluctance to answer amazing that despite the start. think Carl has made some questions which may result fact that student residence This issue is the work of bad errors this term in his in them being criticised is one of the major all the people mentioned dealings with College and I again. They should realise, problems facing College, above and Eric Ash, Dave am convinced that some of though, that in the long the Student Services Kingston, Gaynor, Roger them could have been term ignoring students will Officer, who is responsible Preece, Dan Salmons, avoided if Carl had told cause them more problems. for residence, is only Aaron Kotcheff and Pete students what was going Rob Northey working a three day week. Wilson. on so that others could Rob Northey has certainly Credits Christmas have advised him. shaken up the refectories. FELIX this term has been a Have a happy Christmas. A Dave Kingston has also The Union Bar has lost two amazing team effort so I term at IC is always a strain tried to prevent students popular members of staff would like to thank so make use of the break. finding out what be is but Southside Bar has everyone who has helped: You deserve it. doing. He can be extremely gained an excellent new aggresive when people refectory. The refectories FELIX is published by the Editor for and on behalf of Imperial College question his actions. I were in a terrible state Union Publication Board and is printed by the Imperial College Union asked him a question a when Northey took them Print Unit, Imperial College, Prince Consort Road, London SW7: Telephone 01 589 5111 ext 3515: Editor Hugh Southey: Business week ago about the bar over. Mr Mooney had run Manager; J Martin Taylor; Copyright FELIX 1985. ISSN 10140-0711 takeover which he refused them down. They needed

2 11 December 1985 FELIX validate any alternatives to article intended to (week's letters page. It is all heterosexual, reproduction represent homosexuality in to easy to sit back and Sex Appeal orientated sexuality. the 'sex special', there is no moan about something you What in my opinion the mention of lesbians don't like; rising up off your article fails to put across is whatsoever. If it is hard for backside and doing Dear Editor, the sense that being gay in men to come out at IC due something positive about it In a whole issue of FELIX London can be a most rich to the male-dominated is considerably more dedicated to sex, I was and varied experience and males atmosphere, the difficult. Even so here is an rather disappointd to see that despite the problems problems for lesbians must opportunity for you to do the rather marginalised way of being 'out' in an be greater. Failure to even so. in which homosexuality essentially traditional and acknowledge their As you would have was dealt with I also felt male-dominated existence only serves to realised, if you had actually that the subject was treated environment such as IC, reinforce the difficulties bothered to read the QT somewhat inaccurately and much support and faced by lesbian women pieces, the society accepts lacked sensitivity. company can be gained and to reconfirm the way articles from anyone — Prejudice against from getting involved in the that straight men including non members. In homosexuals does not, as organisations that exist. No consistently fail to realise fact we are currently your authors suggest, 'stem matter how unsure or tha women can be holding 'write for QT' from grossly misleading unconfident you are about homosexual too. competition. The best impressions gained from a your sexuality groups such I look forward to a more submissions will be small proportion of the gay as ours provide a postive and constructive published in FELIX. community'. It stems from framework for you to representation of lesbians With the sense of humour the fact that we live in a explore your feelings. I and gay men in your paper you displayed in your letter society which consistently would like to welcome in the future. and your well thought out suppresses and distorts the anyone along to our yours, ideas, it seems strange that images of lesbian and gay Thursday meetings at ULU Jonathan Sheldon you have not yet submitted lifestyles, and from the fact in Malet Street, WC1. Chairperson ULU Lesbian an entry. However I look that our society does not It is ironic that, in an and Gay soc forward to receiving your submission with you a transit, but not a anticipation on a similar Van Mail Budget one.' This sounds note, if you are unhappy ominous! 'You will have to QT with the contents of FELIX, Dear FELIX, go to Old Kent Road to there is nothing to stop you (This letter had to be fetch the van I've booked Dear Mr Thomas, making your own written in a very short you'. By now I had realised I would like to take the contributions to the space of time to meet the it was definitely going to be opportunity, on behalf of newspaper. FELIX deadline. Please 'one of those weekends'. QT Soc, to reply to the Yours sincerely excuse its brief and maybe Later, on Friday criticisms you voiced in last W R Goodwin confusing nature). afternoon after a two hour At the end of October expedition across half of Christmas Wines from IC Cellar Balloon Club asked London to fetch the van I Quentin to book a Budget discover Ford have brought As is our custom at this time of year we are able to make van for the weekend of 30 out a new type of Transit one or two offers to you from the cellar. These offers are Nov/1 Dec since all Union disguised very cleverly as a for cash off-sales only. vans had been booked out. VW Van. Being much First, for party drinking we have made a special A simple enough task(?) Q smaller than a Ford Transit purchase of Pavilion Rouge for sale by whole case only at replied 'No need to book a we just managed to a price of £21 per case. This is the equivalent to £1.75 per Budget, I can let you have squeeze the balloon into bottle. Stocks are limited so early ordering is advised. the 17 seater green minibus the van and off we go. Second, we have two selections to offer at greatly by swapping with other Just outside London, on discounted prices. clubs'. Leaving the task in the M1 the water Q's hands I go away temperature gauge shoots Offer One foolishly thinking all will be off into the red. The AA Bottle of Burdons Amontillado Sherry well for our late November man comes to our rescue Bottle of Niersteiner Gutes Domtal 1984. trip and organise all the and disovers a faulty Bottle of Vin de Table (Duboeuf) White other fiddly bits one needs temperature gauge. Off we Bottle of Vin de Table (Duboeuf) Red to. go agains determined to Bottle of Bordeaux Brut N V (Sparkling) As Nov 30 draws closer I enjoy our weekend. Luckily Bottle of Grahams Tawny Port. go and check with Q that we had no more trouble BC will definitely be able to with the van apart from the Normal list price £22.95 use B97 OLE (the green drivers windscreen washer OFFER PRICE £19.50 van). 'YesT, says Q 'The that did not work. green van will be yours, Conclusion Offer two don't worry'. I check with Balloon Club asked 1 Bottle of Croft Delicado Sherry (Dry) Caving Club on Weds 27 Quentin to book a van four 1 Bottle of Alsace Riesling 1983 Nov (the original bookers weeks before it was 1 Bottle of Ch. la Bouade 1980 (Sauternes) of B97 OLE) to make sure needed. We were left 2 bottles Ch. Batailley 1979 they know of the changes wondering which van we 1 Bottle of Grahams Tawny Port Q has planned. Of course, would end up with and it Normal list price £29.95 Caving knows nothing of was Rugby club who used OFFER PRICE £25.00 Q's plans, but are B97 OLE on 30 Nov/1 Dec agreeable to doing a swap so goodness know what Offer 2 would be a very pleasing accompaniment for your anyway since they can Mountaineering or Caving Christmas Dinner, with a few helpers you should be able make do with a smaller van. used as transport. to drink it all! On Thurs 28 Nov, with I wasted four hours All the above offers relate to the current wine list prices. only one day to go until the collecting and returning the The new price list is being prepared for release and weekend, Q tells me van. A van which delayed should arrive before Christmas. You will be pleased to Mountaineering must take our journey and, in my note with the advent of this price list the discount which the green van and we will opinion, was an awful thing will apply for personal use will be increased to 10% and have to make do with a to drive. will apply to mixed orders of 6 bottles of wine and single Budget van. Which club will the bottles of spirits. Confused by now? I was phantom van swapper Orders can be placed at room 104 Sherfield building. In bewildered! On the strike at next? It could be order to make the task of preparing your order please give morning of Friday 29 Nov I your club. 24 hours notice. call Q to check we have a Mike Carpenter We would like to wish you a very Happy Christmas from van. Q says, 'Yes, I've got Balloon Club Chairman all the Refectory and Bar Staff. FELIX 11 December 1985 3 PERSONAL SOUTHSIDE BAR (Mis) Quotes from the Rock Mechanics Section of the RSM. WED 11TH DEC 'I'm up to my balls in greane and I've filled half a milk bottle!' GRAND XMAS PARTY 'If a cow comes up from behind you when you are bending over it's very CHRISTMAS COCKTAILS ANNOUNCEMENTS difficult to get your dip-meter in the hole!' WEBSTERS YORKSHIRE 'I'll play with whatever happens to be in my hand at the time!' BITTER ONLY 50P PINTS The Keep (It club has just started 'I could do it with a cow or a sheep circuit training sessions in Beit Gym but if it was a woman I'd run a mile!' at 12.30pm every Wednesday. Free to 'Are you going down? If not I will!' members of IC keep fit club. DTS I love you! My dream Girl THURS 12TH DEC Weds 11 Dec, Ten Pin Bowling Panda eyes. Club Christmas Bowl. Meet 2.20pm Remember don't press the red LIVE MUSIC in Chem Eng Foyer (Opp Beit Arch) button! lots of boozy prizes. All welcome and The life of Galileo is boring me! anyone can win—even novices so FRI 13TH DEC please come along and have a go. Crumbs! Just who started this d b Will all those people with names club? END OF TERM DISCO beginning with C please clear all Do you like being smeared with their bloody rubbish out of their sumptuous chocolate sauce? If so SERVICING & REPAIRS pigeon holes!! contact P Femandex, Physics 3. The Annual PP Soc Coffee crawl is Coffee Machines beware! Prepare at here once more! Meet by Physics to share and enjoy. SCwlsltiiiTMag Level 2 coffee machines at 1.30pm PP Man—coming to save the £1 a foot. on Wed 11 Dec. Bring your own Multiverse soon! Can deliver to Mech Eng Foyer RICKY'S coffee change. 6, 38, 148 or even 26!! Can you take on 9 th & 16th of December. IC Ski Trip 13-22 December. £199. it? If so come on the PP Soc coffee Every tree is freshly lifted GARAGE Contact J Hockeridge, Chem Eng 1, crawl. (Q—What's 42?). 4 the previous weekend and has roots. (Personal service guaranteed.) via pig holes. ...and all because the lady loves The Keep Fit Club Christmas Party chocolate sauce. ring Mark Field 0892 88 2952 at It QUEENS GATE PLACE MEWS. is at 7.15pm on Tuesday 10 the weekend or 24 3-1 938 in the week, Once again PP man will save the December in Southside Gym. Come SOUTH KENSINGTON, world from the Nutrimatic drinks or via Mech Encj III pigeon holes. along as there will be lots of sherry LONDON S W.7 and mince pies. Free to all members. machines. RE4KB and KB4RE (Even though T«l:0I.Sai ISM she doesn't look well). To the playgirl in 211! How are things Julie. ENDSLEIGH INSURANCE WANTED Where did John sleep after the beach party. Ask JK. SERVICES LIMITED Wanted 1 female for nice very young man. Contact MC Comp 2. 71 Old Brompton Road Wanted 1 secretary from a massage South Kensington Competent pianist/synth player parlour. Apply DG Maths 2. London SW7 3JS wanted for modern band being Is IP visiting Mickey Mouse when Telephone 01-589 6783 formed. Apply Dan Salmons, Physics he takes his ruck sack walkies. 1. We are also stockists of: Rotring, Staedtler, Pentel, Swann-Stabilo, Chartwell & many other fine art, graphic, , ^ and technical drawing materials^^ 10% Student Discount on S production of NUS cards. (Not applicable to J(Sr purchases less than i2.; discounted/ 0& special offer items.) ^^A!<^ Rack to school offers: famli Rotrinq College set €16.99 \^ The South Kensington Staedtler Coll Graphic Shop lege set €16.60 1,3, 5, Exhibition Ro^london S.W 7 Tel: 01-589-1276 Ecobra Compasses 20% Off Comfortable Chemistry student Andrew Healey was 'fairly Boring But True comfortable' in Charing Cross Hospital on Monday, two weeks afer he was IC Union has finalised last week that he would Burgess' request that ICU admitted with Thallium arrangements for the initial expect that float for the bar Council should first poisoning. His condition is takeover of the Union bar. to be in the region of approve the document. The understood to be improving At the meeting of Bar £5000. He also commented paper had been passed at gradually, but he is still Committee last Wednesday that the comparison of the the meeting of House unable to move or to talk it was agreed that the profitability of the QMC Committee on November 6, and has been breathing Union would assume and IC bars, as reported in but Council later instructed with the aid of a ventilator. control of the bar on Friday FELIX on November 29, Mr Burgess to ask that it be January 3 1986. Sabbatical had been highly misleading temporarily withdrawn. Mr Officers Carl Burgess, Dave since the QMC prices were Burgess and Mr Kingston Kingston and Quentin substantially higher. are hopeful that Council Road Closed Fontana presented the The first joint paper by will be able to agree any details of the first stages of Mr Burgess and College amendments in time for the Princes Gardens was the takeover to Monday's Secretary John Smith was paper to be re-submitted to sealed off for over an hour meeting of council. not included on the agenda House Committee on last Thursday after a The date has been for governing body on March 5. suspicious package was chosen to coincide with Friday, following Mr reported outside No 3 Refectory Manager Rob Ennismore Gardens. Police Northey's monthly were alerted at around stocktake. Once this has 7.45pm and immediately been completed the closed the road to all traffic financial management and and pedestrians. The day to day running of the package, a brown suitcase, bar will become the Union's was later discovered to responsibilites. A separate contain only rubbish. account will be set up for the bar and the initial float will be funded by means of Women's a loan from the Union's own account. ICU Deputy President Dave Kingston Officer said that he expected this Christine Taig was co- sum to be of the order of a opted by Council as few hundred pounds only. temporary Women's Officer He explained that most of on Monday evening. This the stock would be sold follows the motion passed before it had to be paid for. at the UGM last week Money would not be calling for a change in the needed to pay for a large bye-laws, to create such a quantity of stock at the post. The change in the outset. Some of the bar bye-laws is likely to take surplus will be fed back many months as it requires into the Union's own a two-thirds majority at two account by introducing consecutive UGMs which charges for management are not less than 28 and and administration. Mr not more than 40 days Kingston and Mr Burgess apart. also intenu that profits from the bar be set aside for refurbishment of the Nearly 400 people, including Professor and Mrs Ash and Lounge bar area and the College Secretary John Smith, saw Dramsoc's production Regalia bar itself. of Alan Ayckbourn's 'Bedroom Farce' last week. The Union Sports Until the Union has Above; Sarah Johnson gets her chance to polish Ciaran Equipment and Regalia obtained its own licence, Hassett's bald patch. Shop is now losing money, bar staff will be recruited in with a drop in sales of 5% consultation with Mr from last year. Northey and Mr Iwen Internal Services Thomas, who will remain Chairman, Alan Rose, has the licencees. At Faulty Finances said that unless the Wednesday's Bar situation improves the shop Committee Mr Northey Hamlet Gardens residents some students living in will have to close. advised the Union Officers are complaining about a single rooms as though to appoint a bonded mistake by Student they were living in doubles. barman as manager. Services Finance Officer, Mr Parry said that Mr Kingston said on Dave Parry, that means that Student Services would Hockey Monday that the they have recently received wait for payment until the IC men's hockey first Sabbaticals had been additional bills for this students could afford it. He eleven were beaten 4-0 at looking out for a bar term. The students say that criticised the students, Harlington in the last manager for the last few they have not budgeted for though, saying they should sixteen of the UAU weeks, but that no the extra rent. have known how much competiton. Club Captain appointments could be Mr Parry forgot to bill the their rent was. He also Jim Ward told FELIX that made until Council had residents for the Christmas warned third year students the team didn't take its agreed to the detailed vacations, when he sent out that their degrees would be chances. This is the proposals for the takeover. this term's bills at the start stopped if they didn't pay furthest IC have got in the Mr Northey told FELIX of term. He also billed by the end of the year. competition.

FELIX 11 December 1985 5 More On A Question of Degrees One More Women's Graduates of the College's statute changes must then four year engineering be ratified by the Privvy courses will be awarded Council. This long process for the Master of Engineering means that the changes will Officer (MEng) degrees as from not be in time for 1986 IC Union is to have a 1987. Most three year graduates to be awarded Road Women's Officer. A motion engineering courses the new degrees. to create the post was leading to BSc(Eng) The delay in getting the passed at the IC UGfvl on degrees will be changes approved will lead Acting Union Bar Manager Tuesday 23rd December. redesignated BEng degrees to some obvious anomalies. Dave Brennan resigned last Proposing the motion, at the same time. Students graduating from week following the theft of Debra Exall said the The University of four year courses in 1986 over £100 of bar takings election of such an officer London's Academic will get a BEng, whereas which were in his would be the first step Council has agreed to the those graduating from the possession. The money towards an improvement in necessary change in the same course the year after was stolen at around conditions for women at IC. University statutes. The will get a MEng. At the 2.30pm on Thursday, after Alan Rose, proposing an changes are now at a same time those on three Mr Brennan had left the amendment to the motion, consultative stage as year courses will get a money poorly guarded for felt that the idea of a required by the University BEng which went to four a few minutes. He special Women's Officer of London Act 1978. year course students the submitted his resignation would lead to the problems Following acceptance by year before. after discussing the matter in question being ignored the University Senate the with Refectory Manager by the other officers, and Rob Northey on Friday. suggested that an inquiry Mr Brennan was on his should be set up instead, way to deposit the takings the results of which would Very Extremely Guilty in the safe in Beit Arch be presented at a future security office, after locking UGM. When the President Roger Preece sentence suggested that up the bar. He stopped amendment was rejected, a was tried at the Guilds ICU Deputy President Dave briefly in the games room further amendment was Christmas UGM in Mech Kingston was equally to speak with a friend and proposed, 'recommending Eng 220 last Tuesday. In quilty. The judge agreed left the money on a shelf, that there should be both a his absence, Mr Preece was and conferred the same in a sealed plastic bag, Women's Officer appointed, accused of many crimes, punishment upon him. having removed it from his and an inquiry organised'. too many for the After the close of the pocket to get out a packet This amendment was prosecuting Council to list meeting, most of those of cigarettes. A few mintues carried. but including; missing a dip present moved to the later he noticed that the Another motion to deal in the sea at Brighton, Senior Common Room and money had disappeared. Mr specifically with sexism in refering to Boanerges, the bodily removed Mr Preece Brennan immediately educational was passed Union's mascot, as a 'she', from a Union Finance checked the money had not without question. Proposed calling Mrs Ash, Mrs Committee meeting. Mr been picked up by any of by Union President Carl Flowers and forgetting Mrs Kingston was left behind as the Beit security guards or Burgess, the motion Ash's flowers. Due to a the Guildspersons felt he cleaners, and then alerted supported the efforts of the schedule clash, Mr Preece would not be able to the Sherfield security office was not available for the campaign for Women In control his temper. Mr and Assistant Refectory trial, but in his absence, a Science and Engineering Preece was then carried to Manager Martin Parsons. jury of six bad men and (WISE). ICU resolved to the Serpentine and thrown Mr Parsons and Chief false found him 'very, very, press the University of in. Despite frequent protest, Security Officer Geoffrey London to operate a very, extremely guilty'. He he was not too upset by the was then sentenced to a Reeves rang the police at scheme in the city, with experience and managed to ducking in the serpentine. 2.45pm. each College Union lead a resounding An amendment to the Mr Brennan was promoting the study of boomalaka. interviewed by police on engineering subjects by Friday. He told FELIX that schoolgirls in it's own the police were chiefly adopted borough. concerned with discovering The final motion to be whether he had taken the passed at the meeting No Chance of Success money himself. He agreed listed women students as Last week the controversial interested in pursuing this that the theft had been one of four topics to be subject of President initiative, among them the largely a result of his own investigated under the Reagan's Strategic Defence need to support the negligence, but expressed banner of Academic Affairs. Initiative (SDI) was debated defence industry. severe displeasure over the Dealing with a wide range in the Physics Department. Those against the project attitude the police had of subjects, J Martin Speaking in favour of the said that it should be taken. They had thought it Taylor's motion was initially project were Dr Haines and vigorously opposed on unusual that he had accused of over- Professor Southwood, both principle due to the borrowed a sum of £50 generalisation. However, a of Physics, and speaking political instability which it from College as an advance procedural motion forced against were Professor New had already caused and on his wages earlier in the the meeting to an and Dr Moss of Physics would continue to cause as week. automatic vote, and the and Computing work progressed. Other Mr Brennan spoke with motion was carried. respectively. All of the worries about the project Mr Northey later on Friday. Two further items on the speakers agreed that the were based on the Mr Northey expressed no agenda remained so-called 'Star Wars' restrictions which might be ill-feeling towards Mr undebated by the end of project had virtually no put on groups in College Brennan but explained the meeting, including chance of success, and that for security reasons once sympathetically that he Michael Newman's motion the idea of a defence shield military money had been could not overlook the loss on Union organisation held which could protect a accepted, and the worry of the bar takings. Mr over from two previous whole nation was sheer that research done in the Brennan was given the UGM's. Tuesday's UGM fantasy. It was name of defence might in choice of resigning or was called to a close as the acknowleged that there are the end be used for being sacked, and chose to debate on this motion was other reasons why the offensive purposes. resign. He is now working about to start. American military are in the refectories. 5 11 December 1985 FELIX SAMS APPLE BUSINESS CENTRES LET'S TALK ABOUT YOUR

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Sec. system of taking union students who are to be Tom Melliar-Smith who has cards for pots still breaks there to act as hosts to the recently been told that his down, there seems to be various mayors, MPs and health has improved regular vandalism and captains of industry. > sufficiently for him to enjoy some of the people who Surprise then to find that a life to the full again (this might revive the certain friend of our follows a serious head By Cy Nichol atmosphere seem to have illustrious president injury he sustained during forsaken the place totally. appears on the same list for the summer). It would seem Somewhere in this article it The more unkind among us what is 'a serious occasion that Tom has taken full would seem appropriate to have suggested that the for the promotion of the advantage of his new express some seasonal whole business has less to image of Guilds union and freedom for not only was sentiments. So without do with sound economic in no way a freebie for he heard wandering around further ado may I suggest reasoning and a lot more to hacks'. When questioned college last week claiming that this Christmas you do with the pseudo- about this Mr. Preece said he had been raped but on uphold the spirit of IC in freemasonry that surrounds he had decided that there Friday he was asked to take carrying on ancient certain tie clubs. Further was room for 'other part in a police identity traditions and go down to than this I do not intend to students' to help out in an parade. Tom's friends Stonehenge and sacrifice a comment lest I be struck assisting role. Believe would like to say welcome virgin/hippy/sabbatical or down by the 'curse of the nothing on the basis of back and take it easy as whatever else takes your bar' or found stabbed in the public image you've got another eighty fancy. heart with my left trouser Speaking of misleading years at least. One of ICs oldest centres leg rolled up. public image, IC closet And finally, a late news of tradition, dating back to On to more mundane romeo Dave Kingston has item has just come in the early twenties, is the matters. After a while been letting himself in for it regarding RCS Ents Union Bar. Trust this rumours about who's again. Apparently his life is Chairman and champion erstwhile institution to 'bonking' with who get being made difficult by the degenerate Guy Perry. Mr come to the aid of sweating remarkably tedious, and number of complaining Perry is famed in RCS for news editors this year by anyway I mustn't let the students being sent to him his ability to consume a supplying plentiful tone of this article fall too by student services. It has pint of human urine, which controversy. And if I'm not low. However there are been suggested by people he did to raise £10 for rag mistaken there's more exceptions, especially for with connections in that earlier this term. brewing in the pipeline. It people with cleaner-than- part of college that Dave's Unfortunately common would seem that at long clean reputations. One troubles are due to the fact alcohol appears to have a last the Union will be such is genial Guilds that he has recently jilted rather more serious effect running Its own bar, and president and notorious one of the female on Guy. I am informed he rightly so. The question self-promotionalist Roger employees. Not content has just spent a night in the now is how it will run in Preece. This is not to judge with ignoring advice over cells of the Metropolitan future. Even the most Mr Preece in any way, for the bar, it seems that police following his arrest experienced union hacks as he says in the recent sabbaticals are not aware on the RCS carol singing' seem at a loss to provide FELIX Sex special, it is the of the well known sayings evening somewhere in the answers. It seems that Christian way to follow the about 'women scorned'. vicinity of Leicester Square. rather than being wrested biblical teaching to the best As this is a special The officers of the law were from the grip of a of one's ability not to imply edition I think it's about kind enough not to bring draconian college any absolute judgement. time some of our esteemed any charges, being content authority, Sherfield were However the extent of Mr editor's excesses were to advise him to be more almost glad to be rid of the Preece's latest infatuation brought to light (especially careful what he drinks in bar, and, further, that they must raise some questions as he tells me to write future. might see it as a way of of a moral nature. The some of this stuff). Hugh foisting some of their other object of his attention is a has recently begun playing problems on to the Union. young lady in Mines but hockey for the IC 3rd team With the Union due to beyond that it is not polite which may well explain become responsible for the to be more precise. Friends some of the content of the running of the bar in early have let slip that our hero sports pages these days. January there is little news has been making But before you jump to any available on how this will clandestine enquiries after conclusions about our be achieved. It was the young lady for a man's sporting skills I reported by witnesses that considerable amount of should comment that, from at a recent bar committee time, although he called off personal experience, 3rd meeting refectory manager trying to take her to an team fixtures are very much 'Honest Rob' Northey was army dinner when he a social activity. Now jovial seen chortling at Union discovered to his dismay Hugh is not one to shy deputy president Dave that she had a current away from being the life Kingston about the way he boyfriend. However the and soul of the party and was 'running circles' course of true lust held has been seen on several around the hapless strong and the dashing occasions to be well sabbatical. It seems that lieutenant persisted in his 'refreshed' after matches. when the Union takes quest at every possible More interesting still is control it will be opportunity until he was the'regard in which Hugh's responsible for all aspects recently disturbed by a driving is held by the team. of the bar, and that at close friend of mine with After driving the team Hapless DP, Dave present Mr Northey is some of his clothes a touch minibus to a recent fixture Kingston, really seems preparing to run the bar awry, shall we say (this in Reading it was incapable of making a fool down to a minimum level at phrase is approved by the unanimously decided that of himself. Several weeks the end of term. This little Felix Sex Editor as suitable IC Hon. Sec. Quentin ago FELIX ran a story problem is nothing to the for the general public). 'would you buy a used entitled small is beautiful. one of finding someone to However the matter which transit from this man' FELIX threatened to expose run the bar. Rumours has really brought this case Fontana should take the Mr Kingston in all his glory abound about old barmen to my attention is the wheel on the return journey if he failed to make a and friends of union hacks prestigeous cocktail party for the benefit of all present donation to Rag. We can being selected before the being thrown by Guilds to (including the minibus). Mr now reveal that Mr job is even advertised to promote itself to Southey is not rumoured to Kingston was conned. such an extent that I (potentially generous) be thinking of a career Unfortunately in the photo cannot even dream of parties from outside running his own coach Mr Kingston's private parts suggesting any one of them company. college. The guest list has are covered. FELIX 11 December 1985 In Search of Love

Poor Jane spends all her days surrounded by Imperial wimps

FELIX Photo Love 10 11 December 1985 In your next bumper FELIX THE WIMP RETURNS FELIX Photo Love 11 December 1985 The IC Org""

FELIX has been the newspaper of Imperial College since 1949. In that time it has developed from a tatty broadsheet Into professional newspaper. In the last 36 years it has reported on everything from new halls to President's streaking arround the Albert Hall. In a special feature Jane Spiegel describes the work required to produce FELIX every week.

FELIX first came out in Before describing the twice by different people. 1949 as an alternative to goings-on in the FELIX This is done by whoever is the Phoenix. Since then it office, it may be necessary in the office and isn't doing has developed from a to explain a few terms, anything else at the time. 'sheet' to the weekly which will crop up The pasting up of Clubs students newspaper of repeatedly, for everyone and the What's On Diary Imperial College. unfamiliar with the process gets foisted upon anyone Today, the paper has a of producing a printed willing to do them. permanent staff of three piece of paper. Whenever there is an people. Firstly, there is the Some Jargon:— event on in College or Occasionally, every now editor, Hugh Southey this Original copy—scraps of outside which could be of and then, rarely, an opinion year, who is elected on an paper with illegible scrawls interest to students, article is handed in by annual basis and has on them which accumulate someone is sent out to someone who has no sabbatical status. Then in unseemly little heaps all cover it. This can be a involvement whatsoever there are Tony, the Printer, over the place. debate, talk, play, meeting, with FELIX. These and Rosemary, the Type- Typesetting—converting gig etc. Since the FELIX extremely rare items are setter. The rest of the the written material from office also has several received with great I FELIX Staff is made up of a the original copy into a cameras, a keen excitement and are always random assortment of typed form ready for photographer will also be published (basically, it students from a wide cross- printing. despatched to try and get means the staff have a section of the College. some interesting pictures. page less to panic about). 1 Proof reading— checking Numbers fluctuate from the typeset for spelling, So, anyone out there who about twenty to thirty. The punctuation, margins, size has an obsession, a amount of involvement and of type etc. passion, a need to put pen contribution of individual to paper or just an axe to Pasting up— chopping the time vary considerably. grind—all donations will be typeset into little bits and gratefully received. The paper is completely glueing them onto a piece independent of the Union. of paper (extremely messy). The deadline for Letters, In effect, this means that This is then imaged onto Clubs, Societies, What's the editor has the final say an aluminium plate which On, Small Ads and Sports in the paper's content and goes into the printing (except Final Results) is on cannot be dictated to by press. Monday at 1.30pm. This Union Officers or College. Folding— loading, part of the paper relies Obviously, there are the unloading and watching the entirely on members of legal obligations regarding folding machine and College handing in their such matters as libel and hoping it won't chew up original copy (those scraps obscenity. too many pages. of paper). Predictably (?), it Collating— sitting at a table Though, depending on the seems to be always the putting the pages into each event, this may not always same Clubs and Societies other, end result—FELIX be possible. The films are who present items for with all pages in the correct developed by FELIX Staff inclusion. This is a shame, sequence. themselves. especially since this The existence of the College has such a large Features section and the and varied number of active FELIX is divided into a occasional appearance of clubs. number of different Opinions and Specials It should be pointed out sections. Responsibility for depends very heavily upon the the editor will not certain pages, such as, individuals. The editor accept anything handed in News, Arts, Reviews, Sport, keeps a file with ideas and anonymously. However, and What's On is given to suggestions for features. anyone not wishing to have individuals. Often it is the Some of these are planned their name published, only same person who is in weeks in advance and needs to let the editor charge of a given section involve a great deal of time know, and their name will each week. Normally, they and effort on the part of the not appear. wil ask other people to writer. Compared to many write parts of their page or other student newspapers, pages. However, it is up to FELIX has a large number them to ensure that their of articles relating to section is typeset, proof scientific matters. It is read and pasted up in time presumed that, as Imperial for printing. is a College of Science and Proof reading is always Technology, this will be done by someone other agreeable to the majority of its readership and cater for Folding then the writer. Most items are proof read at least their interests.

12 11 December 1985 FELIX coherent answer to considerably. What makes questions. At other times . them do it is a mystery. when a budding reporter is One suspects the sent out to speak to one of availability of tea and the 'stars of the story', coffee has a crucial role to conflicting replies are play and that the brought back to the office. withdrawal of this However, most people are sustenance could lead to very helpful when it comes industrial action of the The news—that most ». to answering quesitions. most severe nature (Ed, fickle of creatures—can be Finally, the headlines have take note!). This would be a bit of a headache. The to be written. The an undesirable state of sources are haphazard, suggestions invariably tend affairs. random and variable. Many from the ridiculous to the The contents of FELIX news items originate from a absurd, with not much in can be divided roughly into rumour or a garbled between. Once the two halves. One half is version of something which headlines are done, the determined by the editor could have happened, but office receives its weekly and the people who work then again perhaps it tidying up followed by the regularly on FELIX and is didn't. This term has been last print run, folding and decided at staff meetings, Making coffee. dominated by the then collating. the other half is solely continuing saga of the The people working on under the control of the Union Bar. The process of FELIX cannot be placed rest of college. All students covering this story is not into nice, neat categories. have the opportunity of very different from any Their involvement varies contributing to their paper, other item which is from a couple of hours a either with articles etc or considered to be week to those individuals suggestions. This way they newsworthy. A lot of time is who are permanent fixtures can influence the contents. spent telephoning people and have become part of and ensure that FELIX who never seem to be in. If the office furniture. Their contains things of interest they are in, it can be interests and opinions on to as large a number of extremely difficult to get a politics etc differ people as possible.

Production Timetable Friday Wednesday

pm —pasting up, again, apart from the news —deciding which features —follow up any existing are to go into the news forthcoming issue —If possible, typesetting features Thursday Concentrating over a paste up. Monday —the news is finally all written, pasted up and printed am —Start typesetting letters, pm—a variable time club news and features —folding and collating 1.30pm —a crucial time, the Friday deadline of most items, —deciding the number and layout of pages am —distribution (the editor pm continued charges around College with the Sainsbury trolley) —more typesetting, proof reading and the first Saturday and pasting up Sunday Tuesday —outside printing eg CCU news sheets, club and —lots of pasting up, the societies' newsletters. first page is printed Ed - Hugh Southey —how much news is there? Is there any news?

FELIX 11 December 1985 13 FELIX is not renowned for its generosity Merry Christmas From when it comes to free gifts. Last year we Merry Christmas From didn't give you one. The year before, you got a cardboard cut-out Michael Arthur. In the years before that, you had a OURTH contraceptive smartie and a piece of F seaweed amongst others. This year we are changing the tradition! For once, we have come up AVENUE with a completely new idea. We are giving you a present that will keep you occupied throughout the Christmas Merry Christmas From holidays.... The Worldbeaters

Merry Christmas From KWALITY TANDOORI RESTAURANT AUSSIE'S No.l LAGER.

Have fun with him!

At least you can no longer complain about your Union President being inaccesible - you can carry him with you everywhere! If you're that way inclined you can blow him up at any time, though the attention might make him a little big-headed! Your Blow Up Carl will behave just like the real thing. Blow him up and tie him to a broom handle. Then tell him he has an important meeting to go to and he will fall over - just like the real thing! Fill him up with Lager and stick a pin in him to wake him up. He will piss all over your room - just like the real thing! Try to open him up so that he will talk to you. The only response you will get is a steady stream of hot air - just like the real thing! We are so confident that you will enjoy playing with your Blow Up Carl, that we are offering a £5 prize to the person who suggests the most interesting/witty use for him. Suggestions must reach the FELIX office before Wednesday 8th January.

14 FELIX 11 December 1985 Look Back In Anger

Overworked FELIX reporter Bill Goodwin takes Southside hit the stairway kitchens. another look at this term's news. headlines once more this Much uproar was caused term. Strong feelings were by the Union's ban on this aroused over the kitchen year's Rag Mag. It was facilities. Residents described by Mr Burgess as The news in this term's return the Bot-Zoo complained about the 'shocking, disgusting and FELIX has undoubtedly Common Room will be modification work in appalling'. The president of been dominated by the converted into a lecture progress. The original City and Guilds, Roger Union bar. Strong feelings theatre, and the Union intention was to install Preece, warned that were first aroused when Dining Room and Senior kitchens on each stairway, Imperial could become Refectory Manager Rob Common Room are to be replacing the old kitchens 'more renowned for its Northey miscalculated bar hired out in the mornings on the gallery level with obscenities than for its price rises. Two weeks later to the Biology department. bedrooms. These proposals excellence' if the Rag Mag Bar Manager, Doug Professor Manny had been agreed by the were released. Armstrong and barman Lehman's decision to Student Residence The ban was imposed Brian Ellison resigned after accept a contract for Committee the previous because of doubts as to the an argument with Mr research into software for year. The Southside Hall legality of the publication, Northey. Mr Northey was the 'Star Wars' project was Committee claimed that the from which the printer's critical of their more than a little residents had not been name had been omitted, arrangements for the bar controversial. Many consulted enough, and and the dubious nature of facilities during the freshers members of the Computing expressed their concern its contents. New Year's Party; he felt Department believed that that noise and smells from During the UGM the that an extra can bar was the software required kitchens would interrupt Union sabbaticals were needed. Mr Armstrong and would either prove too the Hall's social set up. criticised for not checking Mr Ellison said they had complex to work, or that it Residents of Southside the contents of the Rag put a lot of work into the would be unsafe; the signed a petition Mag before it was printed, bar and pointed out they greatest danger coming supporting an alternative as they are empowered to had taken almost £3374, from the errors in the idea, proposing to extend do. It was agreed that a which was a record for the program which could the original kitchen by censorship committee New Year's Party. They felt remain undetected until the placing the tables and would be formed for next that Mr Northey's program was executed. lockers elsewhere. Carl year's magazine. comments could only be Head of Department, Burgess supported this The ban was ultimately taken as a vote of no Professor Bruce Sayers petition, which was lifted in the interests of confidence and thus they was concerned that work delivered to Peter Rag. The Rag Mag felt obliged to resign. Ugly on SDI would divert scarce Hallworth, the Managing appeared in its original scenes followed when resources away from Surveyor of Residences. Mr form, apart from the students in the Union Bar current projects such as Hallworth eventually agreed addition of printer's name, learned of the resignations. the Alvey program. to its proposals. Falmouth which was stamped in. At the next UGM it was Professor Lehman agreed Keogh Hall, however, Reactions from many decided to organise a that SDI would not work, elected to opt for the students were positive. seven day bar boycott to but explained that the demonstrate the Union's politicians would not dissatisfaction. The boycott believe this until it had Wacky Education Minister Sir Keith proved very successful and been proved.by research. Joseph appeals for the return of College Secretary John He took the stance that SDI his false teeth, during his visit Smith agreed to plan a research was essential and to IC this term. Union takeover of the Bar would have enormous with IC Union President benefits for society. Carl Burgess. Later it The exploits of the transpired that he wanted 'Phantom Soaker' the Botany-Zoology dampened many an ego common rooms and the this term. The Soaker is Lounge for conversion into reputed to have tipped bin lecture theatres. The liners of water over more Biology Department than 30 gentleman as they required the rooms so that sat in cubicles in the academics from Ashurst College conveniences. Lodge could be Among those caught "with accommodated when the their trousers down' were Lodge is sold. IC Union President Carl Meanwhile another Burgess and Chief Security barman, Tony McVey, Officer Geoff Reeves. Mr failed to open the Union Reeves made unprintable Bar one Saturday and was threats against the Soaker, promptly sacked by Mr when and if he should be Northey. Mr McVey claimed caught. Two letters signed that his absence was due to by the Soaker were a mild form of food delivered to FELIX. They poisoning. were in different styles of Agreement was finally handwriting; only the reached between the earlier letter is believed to Rector, Professor Ash, and be genuine. Despite Mr Mr Burgess over the Union Reeves' attempts to analyse bar's future. The Union will the hand-writing, the be taking financial control identity of the Soaker of the bar on January 1. In remains a mystery.

FELIX Sabbatical Games Pic. Present "haven't a cluedo The Great Incompetence Game

Momentous happenings are afoot at Imperial Manor. Head Butler, Governor Smith has agreed that one room in the manor can be taken over by one of his staff. Six people are in the running: Reverend Burgess, Miss Kingston, Gruppenfiihrer Fontana, Sergeant Northey, Professor Anderson and Space Commander Lehman. Eight rooms are under consideration and there are six possible items which could be placed in the room by the successful applicant: a case of sherry, a rape alarm, the Mines coffee machine, a pizza-oven, a blackboard and a particle-beam weapon. Governor Smith has already made up his mind but hasn't told anyone what he's decided. The object of the game is to discover which combination of person, room and article has been selected, sothat the owner of Imperial Manor, Emperor Ash, can be informed of the decision. Any resemblance between this game and another well-known board game is entirely coincidental. However the rules are pretty much the same. For those unfamiliar with them the rules are summarised below. They are twenty special playing cards to go with the game representing the six persons, eight rooms and six articles, which are printed on a separate sheet of card inserted in FELIX. You will also require a counter for each player and a dice to play. Variations on the basic rules can be used as desired. For example, after the Reverend Burgess has entered the Bar he subsequently moves diagonally from side to side. If fewer than six play, Miss Kingston and Gruppenfiihrer Fontana can safely be left out — this does not affect the game in any way. Rules 1. Each player (two to six can play) chooses one of the six characters and places a token on the appropriate starting square. Each player also needs paper and pencil to make notes against a list of the rooms, persons and articles appearing on the cards. 2. The cards are separated into those representing rooms, persons and articles and one of each type is selected (unseen by any player) and placed in an envelope. The remaining cards are shuffled together and dealt out face down to the players. Some players may have a card more than others — such players have a slight advantage. 3. Players move around the board from their starting positions on the throw of a single dice. Miss Kingston plays first, followed by players to the left in turn. Tokens must be moved in straight lines (not diagonally) and may not land on or pass over occupied squares. Players may enter rooms only through the doors marked on the board, but an exact throw of the dice is not necessary. However, any unused dice units are lost on entering a room and the move ends. Any number of players may occupy a room at the same time. 4. Each player attempts to discover the correct combination of room, person and article corresponding to the cards hidden in the envelope. Cards in the player's own hand can, of course, be eliminated immediately. In order to eliminate further cards players enter one of the various rooms where they can suggest a possible combination. For example, a player who enters the Bar may then, on the same turn, make a suggestion using the words "I suggest that (Reverend Burgess) has gained control of the Bar and will install the (Mines Coffee Machine)". Brackets indicate that any other article or person (including those charaters not in use by any player if less than six are playing) can be substituted as best suits the player's enquiries. The room, however, must be the one that the player's token is in at the time. While making the suggestion the player moves the token representing the person named into the room where the suggestion is being made. It is not replaced after the suggestion, the player whose token it is continues to play from the new position. 5. After a player has made a suggestion the player to his/her left examines the cards in their hand. If they have one or more of the cards corresponding to the room, person or article named in the suggestion they must show one to the player making the suggestion. They should not show the card to any other players. If they hold more than one of the appropriate cards they can show the one of their choice. 6. If the first player to the left of the one making the suggestion does not have any of the three cards named then he/she must say so and the enquiry moves on to the next player, and so on. As soon as the player making the suggestion has seen one card, however, the turn ends and no further enquiries are made or cards shown. 7. The player who made the suggestion will thus see one card held by another player which can be eliminated from his/her enquiries. But players can deduce further information from the suggestions of others and their movements on the board. In addition, players may make suggestions including a room, person or article for which they hold the card in their own hand. Players should take care not to show their cards to other players, and deliberately peeping at other players' cards is definitely not on. 8. Players do not have to throw the dice on their turn, they may choose to stay in the room they are in for as many turns as they wish or they may use the secret passages marked on the board. Once the dice is thrown, however, a move must be made. Only one suggestion may be made per turn and once it is made a player may not then move on that turn. Movement, either by the throw of the dice or via the secret passages, must be made before any suggestion. 9. If after a suggestion is made no other player posesses any of the cards named, then the player making the suggestion has either found the correct combination of cards or has one or more of those named in his/her own hand. If the latter applies the player does nothing and play continues as normal. Otherwise the player opens the envelope and checks the cards inside. If the suggestion is not correct after all then one of the players has overlooked a card in their hand and deserves a good bolloking for ruining the game. If the cards in the envelope are those named then the player making the correct suggestion is the winner and should seek an immediate meeting with the Rector to put forward their suggestion. their knee and getting them 13-year-old refugees from to take their thumbs out of one of the local schools their mouths (the child's drifted through. Like mouth that is). I sat and everyone else they were aitta- ttytwatche d these pro Santas charmed by the teddy bear during the morning and jazz band, and after they had few very scared watching that they had a children, and none cried. bit of a banter with FC, Eric Of course very young coping perfectly. After tofjote trutftchildre n (two or less) giving a 'See you round, understood very little, but Santa', all but one breezed If It's Job security that you're after then don't become a they loved the teddy bear out. One precocious girl Father Christmas In a chain store when you graduate. jazz band (I defy you to go remained; 'Ere Santa, why You'll be unemployed for 46 weeks every year, to say and not tap your feet). didn't yer ask us what we nothing of the chance of catching measles or having tome They were asked what wanted fer Christmas'. Eric 6-year-old throwing up on your false beard. Surely no-one they wanted for Xmas, and grinned, 'I can't bring you in their right mind would sit In a draughty grotto listening then always told that Father what you want for to an apparently endless queue of children reeling out Christmas would do his Christmas...' .he said. their Christmas present lists (approximate value typically best, and reminded to be £15,600), would they? Gren Manuel went to Debenhams, good. And what do these Harrow, to interview two of their red-suited experts, and budding capitalists want? also to try the Job on behalf of FELIX. The class of 1985 want Lunch was my first Transformers, A La Carte hurdle, and I nearly made I hope Father Christmas ago trying to get a little Kitchens, 'My Little Pony', my first mistake. At the isn't in decline, but I can't temporary work on the run A-Team figures and Debenhams canteen I be sure. Some stores have up to Xmas, and was Cabbage Patch Dolls. almost ordered a cheese a no-platform for Santa offered the red suit. He Whither Meccano? and onion plel The effect of policy. Thankfully this isn't admits to being 'surprised'. this on my afternoon's the case at Debenhams He was not formally trained activities doesn't bear branch in Harrow. for the job, but thinking about. Fancy a Admittedly in previous commonsense goes a long Father Christmas with years old FC has arrived at way: don't talk down to the They were always asked smelly breath? the store for the first time children; when one Santa their name and age. As the Ready for battle, I in a horse-drawn carriage goes for lunch arrange the gifts were in age and sex checked my equipment. accompanied by a transfer so it is impossible categories Santa needed to The tension on the belt marching band, but may be for any child to see two know whether he was seemed OK; the red fluffy that is just a little too Santas at once. He soon talking to a little boy or a suit fitted fine; the beard much. got all but the most little girl, and as well as itched slightly, and it had a Certainly his Grotto is a petrified children out of being good Santa Claus tendency to attempt to delight this year. They have their shells. technique to call the child crawl up my nose, but it a teddy bear jazz band by his or her name, it also seemed reasonable. standing, wrapped in tells you the sex (almost Desperately trying to mufflers, in a snow covered always). After just three remember Eric and John's forest playing the Basin St. And what of those chain- weeks Eric was able to advice I placed my festive Blues. Their arms, heads store-Santa myths? Do guess age with a 95% bum on the big armchair at hips and even cheeks move children attempt to pull the success rate, but up to the the end of the grotto, and as they strum and blow beard off? Well, they . age of seven he still found prepared to wait. During a their way towards the 25th couldn't if they tried. It is telling the sex tricky. Saturday maybe 400 of December, illuminated attached by a piece of children pass through the by a tasteful light display. elastic, and this means it grotto, but today, And at the end of the requires a gently guiding Thursday, 100 would be grotto? Well, it's the man influence to stop it from more usual. Thus there are himself, old Father riding up your face. With Neither Eric nor John did the occasional periods Christmas, grinning behind one hand resting gently on much yo-ho-ho-ing. The where there are no victims his whiskers and yo-ho-ho- the whiskers no brat is little ones are quick to spot in the gunsights, and I had ing, dispensing little gifts going to reveal the bare a lack of sincerity, and time to adjust the toy and reminding children that flash beneath. natural yo-ho-ho-ers are baskets and let my eyes get if they're not good little The other legend is that few and far between. Pity. used to the light. Then, boys and girls then they of cantankerous Santas; the A little boy specifically from behind a tuba-playing won't get any presents. job being given to a nasty asked Eric to yo-ho-ho, but teddy bear appeared a fee old man who drinks far too that's the only time he's paying customer, and with much at iunchtimes and done it. The presents were, Eric in mufti standing a arrives late only to breath for 75p, remarkable value; discrete distance away in beery fumes all over Plasticene, building bricks, case of trouble, I beckoned. John is an expert Santa. innocent, angelic four year dolls, writing sets, all I asked 6-year-old Lisa He's been behind those olds. John had worked with packaged in big red what she wanted for whiskers for four years at one before. 'They had to envelopes with teddy bears Christmas, told her to be on, and put into big toy this store alone (although get rid of him, of course.' good, asked her to leave baskets. Much to my not without breaks, Although some children me some milk and a mince disappointment no metal obviously), and also does run giggling into Santa's pie beside the chimney and badges were given and I other Santa—ing. He's arms, this is not as sent her, blinking, into the common as you might thought the Teddy bear main store again, her tiny dispensed coal to stickers were a pretty poor think. After all, parents are hands clutching a gift pensioners for the National substitute. I wouldn't take rightly concerned that their suitable for her age and Coal Board, and when he £10 for my 'I saw Santa at son or daughter should not sex. Seems easy. Then was in the RAF he used to Shepherds Store, talk or accept gifts from arrive at airbases with his Gateshead, Christmas 1972' trouble. I had my first strange men: Santa Claus, sack to find queues of little badge. experience of a child scrubbed faces: the giving out presents wearing crying, something that I children of the airmen. He's a ridiculous fake wig, fits So I spent the morning had not seen Eric or John obviously at ease with that description very well. watching the professional having to cope with. He children and they love him Thus many children, Santas at work, helping to started off toddling towards for it. especially younger ones, keep the toy baskets full, me perfectly OK, I bellowed Eric has been Father are hesitant. However Eric and trying not to get in the 'Hello young man, have you Xmas for nowhere near as and John proved masters at way. During one come to see me?'( an long. He turned up to starting the youngsters particularly quiet period a obviously rhetorical Debenhams a few weeks talking, sitting them on large group of streetwise question, as who else

11 December 1985 FELIX the grotto was full of operating the till at the people then presumably the entrance to the grotto. temperature would rise They do get occasional considerably. However I complaints that the teddy have a genuine (non-nylon, bears don't play very festive non-removable) beard, and tunes, but I was pleased to maybe FCs with no facial find out that no-one had hair of their own find the complained about my whiskers less easy to wear.. conduct, though one As my confidence rose I mother had commented felt I became a better that I did look rather young performer: 'Do you know for a Father Christmas. As what reindeer eat?', 'My, Eric has a daughter older you have a nice red scarf than me, and John is on'. One little girl even retired I suppose that my kissed me. only-slightly-older-than- teenage looks don't quite fit the bill. Just wait until I get a nice long white beard though, and I'll be first in the queue for jobs next Christmas. I gave one little chum the wrong sex present, but Eric was on hand to do a swap. W*4 Then, as I got into the groove, Eric left, and I was on my yo-ho-own as the You could say that chain would someone go into Christmas Father children crept, strolled and store Santas are a cynical Santa's Grotto to see?), he Christmas'. 'Merry ran into my Grotto, though gimmick reinforcing the burst into tears, did a 180 Christmas Nicola', I'd say. none attempted to pull my capitalist consumer ethic in degree turn, and ran Some were less sure, beard. Surprisingly I never impressionable children. bawling back into the folds looking at their mother and once felt that the parents You might even believe it. of his mother's coat. It can hiding their face in their were being dragged into More fool you. I don't think be difficult enough to stop hands. All the children the grotto unwillingly. If that the Le Grot de Santa a young boy from crying, thanked me for the gift, both parents were there comes even close to without being prevented though some required a then they typically stood making a profit for from communicating with little prompting from their holding hands, grinning, as Debenhams once all the him by a fake set of white parents. I told little Martin what it overheads have been added whiskers and an ill-fitting was like to live at the North up, but they aren't a wig.Later, after a little Pole. Once or twice I got charity, and I guess that advice from Eric, I coped hints from the parents what they believe that it justifies much better with my FCs work one hour on, to say. Some parents itself in the increased toy second cryer. Give them one hour off (it says so in wanted me to give more sales. However I believe the present, start the the Elf and Safety at Work specific guidelines on the that this is at the expense conversation and keep it Act), so it wasn't long spherey of behaviour upon of other stores, and doesn't going, on your own if need before John knocked on which modificaion must be be. Natural curiosity soon arise from children putting the plywood of the grotto enacted, prompted and more pressure on their surfaces (why does he look wall. I waited for a pause mouthed, about going to so funny?), and soon parents for more expensive and then darted into a side bed on time or eating presents. I certainly saw no enough they'll be telling door, with John appearing cauliflower. I was asked if I you what you ought to be signs of anguish on parents seconds later to resume the was going to be at a faces when their pride and dropping down their task... I removed the particular school party. The chimney. joy reeled off a long list of whiskers and asked Eric parent nodded furiously, wants, though I don't know how I could improve. My and so I felt confident in whether it was because the main problem was saying that, yes, I would be parents had cooly decided confidence, or the lack of there. not to get little Crispin a it, as Santa is supposed to full size slate bed billiard be big, bouncy and Again another pause. table or they thought that bombastic. Even though I You can't get out a book, the £1500 was quite was not nervous my lack of or have a quick game of reasonable for a Christams confidence in my ability darts during these lulls, you sometimes showed, present. Things might have just have to drum your And what were the although at first when he been different in this gloved fingers against the clients like? The age range told me this I was surprised respect if I had been a arms of the comfy chair. I had to deal with was from that anything could show santa in Liverpool instead Next was a group from a 8 months right up to 11 of Harrow. through the nylon whiskers years. Obviously those of 8 nursery school, 15 of them FC at Debenhams, that covered 85% of my months didn't get much lining up in their little blue Harrow, provides a good face. more than a hairy grin and pom-pom hats - some service. Surely only a real brash, some not, one My spare hour was spent a present, but some older children didn't have english Scrooge would deny crying, and two teachers looking round the toy children and their parents straight out of Joyce department at some of the as their mother tongue, and I felt rather helpless as they 10 minutes in Santa's Grenfell record. They sang toys I had been asked for. Grotto once a year?. Merry me We Wish You a Merry looked up at me, expecting Most were TV advertised, Christmas.. Christmas and I shook made of plastic, and me to say something. After them all by the hand.I liked expensive. Not a single all, a Father Christmas who that bit especially. child had asked for a board couldn't speak English would have confused me Sometimes the children game, or a train set; strange. My hour as a when I was seven. Soon were outgoing and (maybe too soon) my stint extrovert, their parents sabbatical Santa passed quickly, and soon I was was over. I returned to standing well back. I could normality by removing the sit them on my knee, talk to back in the whiskers. I FELIX would like to thank thought that being wrapped red coat and white beard, them, ruffle their hair; and trotted round the Santa Eric, Santa John and great. 'Thank you Father up in all that rig would all of the gnomes and make me hot, but this was grotto entrance where I Christmas', after I gave chatted to Santa's friend fairies at Debenhams. them a gift, 'Merry not the case, although if

11 December 1985 FELIX Where to go The majority of European ski resorts are in one of the 'Big Four' ski countries: Austria, Switzerland, France and Italy. There are of The Piste course many other countries where you can On ski—package tours are available to Spain, Andorra, Bulgaria and Yugoslavia, and it's also possible to ski in Norway, West Skiing holidays are becoming ever more popular and, despite being notoriously Germany, Greece, even Czechoslovakia and Romania. Of course you can also ski in impoverished, large numbers of students find their way to Europe's snow-clad Scotland, but unless you live nearby it isn't peaks every year. For those contemplating a first trip, or choosing their own much cheaper than a package tour to the resort for the first time, Ramsbottom's answer to Franz Klammer, J Martin alps, and the weather and skiing aren't Taylor, tells you where to go and how. anywhere near as good. Leaving aside the more unusual destinations, let's consider the characteristics typical of resorts in each country. Austria There was a time when skiing holidays were synonymous with Austria. The country has a special undefineable atmosphere which means that, despite the increase in popularity of other countries, Austria is still the most common destination for British skiers. The typical resort is a small village with a dozen or so ski-lifts and good skiing for beginners and intermediates. There is an increasing tendency for neighbouring resorts to share lift passes with the skiing areas linked by interconnecting lifts or ski buses. The reputation of the ski-schools is very high. Since the villages were there long before skiing became a form of recreation, they have a life of their own, unlike the soul-less French ski stations. There are also a few largish towns which act as ski resorts, notably Kitzbuhel and Innsbruck. The Early morning skiing in virgin powder snow. ubiquitous apres-ski is the best there is—the Austrians know how to enjoy themselves and how to make their visitors feel welcome. For a good all-round holiday, especially for beginners, Austria takes some beating. However, its skiing is often at comparatively low altitude and may fail to provide sufficient challenge and scope for the more advanced skier. Other minus points are the high cost of living in Austria, compounded by the lack of alternatives to hotel or pension accommodation— self-catering is almost unheard of in Austria. Switzerland Like Austria, one of the traditional ski countries. Resorts do tend to be larger than Austrian ones, and suffer some of the same limitations—a single cable car from the village to the slopes, or ski areas spread out along the valley some distance from the village. Swiss skiing is often higher than in Austria and there are some superb areas—Zermatt has the highest cable car in Tower block apartments at La Plagne, France Europe at 3880m (12600 feet) to the summit of the Klein Matterhorn. Facilities are generally superb and perfectly maintained. Unfortunately skiing in the world's most civilized country isn't cheap, although some self-catering is available. Count on an extra £50 on the holiday price compared with France, before you even think about the prices in the resort. It hurts every time you get your wallet out. France The French pioneered the concept of the purpose-built ski-station, examples of which include Les Arcs, La Plagne, Courcheval, Val dTsere, etc. Perched high in the previously uninhabited mountains, they open up vast tracts of superb skiing terrain. Being designed and positioned solely for skiing, they are right slap-bang on the slopes with no cable- car ride up from the valley. Accommodation is available in hotels, but most popular are self-catering apartments. The most obvious advantage of this is A cable car suspended high above Cervinia, Italy 20 11 December 1985 FELIX cheapness but there is also much more early in the year it is. Easter 1986 is quite country in accordance with the policy of the flexibility since you're not tied to hotel meal early and so should be okay. national ski school. The Austrian method, times, and there's no restriction on bringing The temperature varies enormously from which is probably the most traditional, is in your own booze from the supermarket early to late season. At Christmas and in especially good for the less confident (given the bar prices this saves a small January the temperature rarely approaches beginner. The Austrians have a reputation for fortune). Evening entertainment is usually zero (from below that is!) even in strong high quality instruction with instructors who what you make of it—being in an apartment sunshine. The sun is weak, hence you don't speak good English, which is undoubtedly you're automatically in a group, and tan easily. But at Easter it can be relatively deserved. French teaching uses more modern apartment parties are the 'in' thing. Other hot, and sun-burn can be a real hazard, so methods designed to allow faster progression than that there are bars, restaurants, discos, take some high protection sun cream (at least to more advanced techniques, which may suit etc which are often half empty in the late factor 6 or 7). If you're not sur? about the more impatient. Their instructors, being evening. For all abilities the purpose-built withstanding the cold you're better off French, tend not to speak such good English. centres offer an unrivalled range of plumping for a late season trip. Similar comments apply to the Swiss. Italian skiing—often more than even the best skier instruction tends to be of the 'follow me' can cover in a week. Many resorts are linked, Equipment variety, where the class is expected to keep so a day's skiing can take the form of an up with the instructor whilst he excursion on skis. For the ski fanatic they are Unless you're a proficient skier there is no flies off down the slope for long unequalled and for the beginner there are point in buying your own equipment. For stretches at a time showing what a good skier also advantages—skiing from your doorstep your first trip all you need is good ski he is. No doubt there are good Italian (anyone who's walked even a short distance clothing, since all your skiing equipment is instructors but the overall standard is in ski boots carrying skis will appreciate this), best hired in the resort. For a beginner you probably lower than in other countries. and the well designed lift system reduces shouldn't bother with anything flashy, just The French in particular have developed queueing (if at the end of the aforementioned mid-length skis of between shoulder and head new teaching methods available only in walk you have to join an hour-long queue for height, depending on build. The base should certain resorts. The best known is ski evolutif the cable car, you'll appreciate this too). For be reasonably gouge-free. The bindings at Les Arcs, but there are other schemes. I example, in Tignes if you ever have to queue should be easy to step into and release personally wouldn't recommend those, since for more than ten minutes you get your lift yourself from, and they should be specially there is no real short cut to skiing pass price refunded. adjusted for your weight and ability. proficiency, but if you think you may lack Italy The most important item of equipment is perserverence they may make the first stage boots. If your feet are cold and of learning a bit easier. These methods After becoming very popular a few years ago uncomfortable you can't ski—it is as simple involve starting on considerably shorter than Italy has declined as the price differential as that. When trying boots on, clip up both normal skis and increasing the length through with other countries has narrowed. However, of them properly and walk around the shop the week. it is still a popular destination and is for a few minutes. If you have any doubts If you are going skiing for the first time a reasonably priced. Most Italian resorts give ask to try another pair—this is common course of lessons on a dry slope is well worth the impression that they just 'happened' practice, you aren't being an awkward considering. Whilst skiing is an utterly rather than being carefully planned as with customer. Return them for another pair later marvelous sport once you can do a bit, the French purpose built resorts, or having in the holiday if you find you have trouble struggling to get used to having a plank strictly controlled development as with the on the slopes. strapped to each foot and generally falling traditional Austrian or Swiss resorts. Many If you are considering buying some about all over the slope is best done before consist of a small old part, which is usually equipment after one or two weeks skiing setting off on holiday. You can start in a bad state of disrepair, and masses of experience, boots are the item you should go at the same level as someone who has been modern hotels all around. Apartment for first. Spend at least an hour in the shop skiing before, after a few hours instruction on accommdation is often also available, wearing the boots you intend to buy. If you a dry slope. The best slope within easy reach especially in larger resorts such as Cervinia can find a comfortable pair, nothing else of IC is the Blue Sky Slope at Uxbridge, and and Courmayeur. really matters. Personally, I swear by the Ski Club organise trips there every One Italian resort popular with British Salomon boots, but then I may have funny Tuesday and Wednesday. Personally I think Skiers is Sauze d'Oulx. I'd definitely give this feet. there are few things as boring as dry slope one a miss. The Brits who go there are the You will require special ski clothing, ie. a skiing once you've achieved a reasonable same ones who fill the concrete tower block ski anorak and ski pants or salopettes. If standard, but for learning the basics they are hotels of the Costa Brava at a different time you're going in mid-winter these must be of a extremely useful. of the year. A Benidorm of the alps is not my high quality. If this is your first trip try idea of a good ski resort and although the borrowing from a friend, since ski clothing is Fitness skiing is surprisingly good you probably 'not cheap. If you are buying it is possible to won't get enough sleep to appreciate it. keep the cost down by opting for less Any reasonably fit person should cope with a fashionable makes, like Rodeo (C&A). Ski skiing holiday without problem especially at When to go resorts are a poseur's paradise so expensive beginner's level. For more advanced skiers fashionable ski clothes such as Ellesse and fitness is more vital since they ski faster and Undergraduates may be constrained by Killy abound, but aren't necessary, especially harder than beginners. However, a few gentle vacation dates to a week over Christmas or for beginners. It doesn't matter what label exercises never did anyone any harm and New Year, or around Easter. However, these you've got on your designer one-piece ski suit may help prevent you stiffening up whilst on dates tend to be the most expensive, if you can't move without falling over you're holiday. I can't include a guide to expecially the former. The price of skiing still going to look a complete wally! pre-ski exercises here, but a few weeks of holidays performs a double hump through You'll also need good quality special skiing standard physical jerks before you the season, starting low pre-Christmas, gloves, ordinary gloves are no good at all. go will help. If you play any form of sport shooting up over the holiday period, falling Don't skimp on this item or you'll regret regularly you should already be fit enough to the cheapest time in January, rising for it—having cold hands is almost as bad as without special exercises. school half term before a less marked fall in cold feet. In addition, you'll need a ski-hat, early March leading to a rise for the end of sunglasses or goggles, some good quality ski Skiing is Wonderful the season at Easter. socks and several thin sweaters including First of all don't, whatever you do, go pre- some polo necks (rather than wearing thick There are few people who don't enjoy a Christmas. I know it's cheap, but you'll sweaters, you should wear two or more thin skiing holiday, and more and more people probably find most of the resort's facilities layers). are getting the bug every year. When I first haven't yet opened (the swiming pool will We are well placed for buying ski clothing went skiing many years ago recreational always be empty!), and the snow may well and equipment. Kensington High Street has skiing was in its infancy, ski boots were made lack a firm base layer. The Christmas branches of Alpine Sports, Snow & Rock and of leather and had laces, and skis were vacation should be alright if you can afford C&A, while Brompton Road has Sun'n'Snow wooden with screwed-on edges and cable it, although the resorts will be packed and and Harrods. The are also larger branches of binding. Since then the sport has changed out the days are short and cold. For a budget all the ski shops in central London. of all recognition. It has devotees from all holiday go mid-January—it can be bitterly walks of life, and is no longer seen as a cold, but there will almost definitely be pastime for the rich. It has all the necessary plenty of snow, uncrowded slopes and it is Learning to Ski ingredients of a great holiday—sun, fresh air, very cheap. Early March is also fairly cheap, Ski instruction is a vital part of any skiing fantastic scenery, physical activity, not to and it is warmer with lighter evenings (hence holiday, at least until you have several weeks mention the apres-ski! If you've never tried more precious hours on the slopes). Easter is of skiing experience under your belt. The it, you almost certainly wouldn't be a bit risky for snow, but this depends on how teaching method varies from country to disappointed.

FELIX 11 December 1985 21 Yes, it's that time of year to the North Pole to enable Dale, resourceful would-be causality, so much enjoyed again. Not only is it the them to deliver toys to all James Bond and token by writers of science season of good will, but it the children in the world. ethnic minority, oh and I fiction, are used largely for is also the season of peak But as the population nearly forgot two token comic effect as Marty, t cinema attendences in increases this task girls, Andy and Stef, whose Michael J Fox, is Britain and as such the becomes harder and Santa only purpose is to provide time for the distributors big chooses a helper, Patch, the sexist cinema releases, often big summer cutely played (as ever) by stereotypes as the hits in America (summer Dudley Moore. Patch's screamers and the love being their peak time). This attempts to help go wrong interest. (Actually that's not film is not one held over and in his self-imposed quite fair, the writers have from the summer, it's the exile he teams up with the graciously allowed Andy highly seasonal Santa unscrupulous BZ. When some musical ability, well I . Claus, the Movie (Odeon once again things go suppose that's sufficiently Leceister Sq). (The movie wrong, largely due to the genteel for girls to do). presumably being added to evil BZ (boo, hiss!!) it is up Fortunately for the avoid confusion with any to Santa Claus, Joe, an Magnificent Seven, Mikey's other Santa Claus). orphan, and a nice guy, to father, the local museum This 'movie' is a fine save the day. curator happens to have a example of American treasure map in the attic, cultural imperialism, Unspecial Speilberg which then leads them off extolling the delights of The remarkable Steven on the trail for One-Eyed capitalism, and even Speilberg has his name Willie's booby trapped portraying Coke and associated with two major treasure and across the McDonalds as desirable recent releases, Back to the path of the baddies (Who commodities. Santa Claus Future, reviewed later, and are not only adult, but also himself is a large, The Qspnies. His foreign, oh dear, oh dear). I benevolent American ruling obsession with kept finding myself wishing over a kids has that the evil Fratelli's would kingdom catch Indiana Junior and transported in time to 1955 populated the assembly of goons. when his parents first met. A scene early on sets the This choice of time not standard of humour for the only opens up all the film when the gang possibilites of affecting the desperately attempt to future, but also allows for replace the genitals that some interesting Freudian have broken of a small ideas as Marty's mum Greek statue. This then fancies him. leads to more below the belt jokes as the bad guys No time like the present are repeatedly hit in that The comic ramifications of region, hysterical. To this situtation are summarise, it I haven't effectively, but not already made it clear, The excessively, exploited and ' Goonies is neither funny the final climax is very nor exciting, and I'd like to excitingly portrayed by by small think that if it wasn't for director and co-writer subserviant British Speilberg's name it would Robert Zemeckis Elves and the deprived never have been made. The particular pleasure of child in the story is, of all Steven Speilberg has also this film is the balance; possible kids in the world, finally let him down; the produced Back To The between character acting a healthy, white , children who star in this Future, an infinitely better and believable reaction, intelligent, American child. story, and who are meant film about a time travelling and between the credible The music is often sickly to be seen as cute, only boy. The problems of and the incredible. This is supermarket songs and the come across as annoying sets and costumes are and even frequently crude. I largely twee. That's the Because their parents intellectual response, the have seemingly given us emotional response casued hope of saving their ! me to sit through the film dockside homes, it is left I with damp eyes, a lump in up to their offspring to do I my throat and a stupid grin something about it on their on my face. I'm sorry I final weekend together. The i couldn't help it. seven saviours are: Mi key, The story in this case the fairly weak leader, i concerns a childless Brad, his sadistic brother; toymaker and his wife who Chunk the lovable, clumsy are magically transported fat one; Mouth, fast talker;

22 11 December 1985 FELIX most by virtue of the graphic violence at the end and the subsequent 18 cetificate. The violence is the precipitation of the designs of the new kid in town, from a rich Elem Klimov has recently background, on the local received a lot of publicity, gang leader's girlfiend. in the film world at least, Although it is a well-worn for his recent anti-Nazi film story and director Go and See shown at the incorporates some clever film festival. But until that ideas, and some of the film is released it is possible to see some of this Tough enough? talented film maker's work scenes are very involving, in the form of the nine year the Christmas film. but there are also some old Agony (Camden Place, (Empire, Leceister Square truly dire moments, such as Chelsea Cinema). It has Plaze) when our hero serenades taken so long to reach the screen here because the The man who was the girl at the country club. Soviet authorities felt that responsible for the highly It's an average sort of film, this story of Rasputin of the British is brought to stylish Bladerunner and but unfortunately for it's portrayed Tsar Nicholas II light. An example of the Alien, Ridley Scott, has normally imaginative too sympathically. done a great deal of distributors, Blue Dolphin high quality of both the research into mythology for Films, it is likely to be The film is set in 1916 acting and also the writing when Russia was a is the charcter of Sir his latest film Legend unfairly ignored in the face (Leicester Sq Theatre), an of Christmas competiton. particularly corrupt and Andrew Charleson, whose epic fairy tale. This Happy Christmas, all. unjust society, with brief, but brilliant research concentrated Jim Claydon. merciless exploitation of appearance epitomises the particularly on the the workers, police tyranny, restraint and sense of hunger and devastation. propriety that Susan finds Living legends Against this backdrop, the so frustrating. Tsar felt that only a miracle Following her experience occurence of a Jack o'the would save the Empire and with the French Resistance Green character in enable the generals to in the War, a time when she Northern European crush the rebels as they felt that she could see the mythology. However all this had done in 1905. effort is wasted as Ridley Enter Rasputin, powerfully Scott appears to have played by Alexi Petrenkov, Lie back and. expended all his effort on an illiterate Siberean creating the right visual peasant, ex-horse thief, and style, albeit an wandering monk. Curing best of people in an hour, astonishingly beautiful one, the sick and uttering she longs for a change that and very little effort on plot strange speeches he she feels can happen in the and characterisation, a rapidly acquires the new Britain. But failing to point not helped by the complete confidence of the fjjpd any change or the casting of the rather poor Tsarina and hence wields passion she felt with Lazar, Tom Cruise as Jack. great influence in the Sam Niell, during the war, The main thrust of this Russian court. she settles for the tale, like all good fairy tales The film uses a mixture of sympathy and comfort of is that the battle of good documentary footage, black the diplomat Raymond and evil, embodied in this and white and colour film Brock, Charles Dance. case by the Lord of to intelligent effect, and the Hare's decision to Darkness, played by the concentrate on the world of marvellous Tim Curry Ra Ra Rasputin diplomacy emphasises the whose gorgeous voice is shots of faces particularly qualities in the British suitably demonic for the are impressively composed role. Because the Lord of and lit. A film with a title ...think of Britain Darkness is fatally allergic like Agony readily lends to sunlight he plans to rid itself to abuse by critics which so annoy Susan and the world of the unicorns and I'm sure that alot of my in which, as Sir Andrew that maintain the harmony colleagues will make some says, the British lead the and light and plunge the witty comments about it, world. land into darkness. probably in reference to it's The characters are all very Unfortunately not enough length, two and half hours, well played with John care was taken but I didn't find that time Geilgud as a senior over the development of Jim's 12 favourite films of dragged and I was quite diplomat, Tracey Ullman as these characters or the plot 1985 (in no particular order); impressed, though I don't a friend providing some so the film comes across as expect that this will be laughs, and Sting, as the vacuous, but a sumptuous Once upon a Time in everyone's idea of a good lower class sentimental feast for the eyes. Although America night out. lover, very capably this is due largely to the 1984 David Hare usually writes delivering the epitaph, 'You remarkable visions of Scott, Amadeus very intelligent works, people are cruel and it would be remiss to fail to Stranger Then Paradise Wetherby, Pravda, and his dangerous. You fuck mention the impressive sets Heimut recent adaptation of his people up'. This is a and incredible make-up The Purple Rose of Cairo own stage play, Plenty shrewd observation as the particularly on Tim Curry Wetherby (ABC Shaftsbury Av) is no characters are largely and Robert Picardo as Meg Witness exception. It contrast's the unpleasant and Mucklebones. Subway desire of it's impatient lead, unsympathetic, giving the Finally of the films aimed Mishima Susan, to move on against audience little to identify largely at children is an When Father was away on the unfulfilled optimism of with. But inspite of this the unusual one, Tuff, Turf. It Business post-war Britain. Through wonderful photography and is unusual because it Vigil the use of some cleverly skillfully understated alienates the audience that Back To the Future sketched characters the direction by Fred Schepisi it is obviously aimed at and Dance with a Stranger insidious class- manages to involve the to whom it would appeal consciouness and snobbery audience in this fine film. FELIX 11 December 1985 23 Bookshop; we do stock Isles. We also sell a range general books as well. Most of stationary items, Parker of the current best sellers Pens, gift stationery, are in stock; choose your Christmas Cards and subject, we have fiction, wrapping paper. humour, cookery, travel, If its not books you're dictionaries; plus a wide after, why not sportswear? range of general refence The Sports shop has some books. If you can not find Bookshop News of the 1986 Speedo anything suitable we sell swimwear and barrel bags, book tokens from 25p (not the new design sweat Don't you think it would be that there are many books shirts, squash and nice to give someone a at that price). These are badminton rackets, shoes book for Christmas? We exchangable in most and all the College Regalia. are not only an Academic bookshops in the British Have a good Christmas

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A co\ipie ot oool^ctude's ride This week two books set in Mexico are the mescal that he takes is ffftp a.sleepy fylixican town also a narcotic and used as off'tr^S,aiita f* trail -but reviewed.They' d'both make ideal a drug by Indian mystics. trffs»1ai».Catho1fc Christmas presents... Towards the end the story missionaries and they've is that of the Book of Job; come to save souls, not Mexican scenery is of German submarine no-one can observe the rustle oWttle. Death Comes described with clarity -the officers, and all the way suffering of man who hates for ihjfVchtflshop by Willa rites Of thd desert, through run subtle threads himself and remain silent. Calher h an imaginativa contorted juniper trees ) of tension and fear. The The various strands of hate telling of a true lovfe story. growing on brick red hills alcoholic ex-Consul dies and love, sexual imagery, A man's love jor Gdd, for and bright green cultivated falling down a ravine on the drunkeness, black magic, hi$ brothdfcand for the valleys. There is no climax Day of the Dead, when the death and damnation are peasant pefiple he serves to the novel; all events Mexicans take food to the drawn together as the are portrayed sensitively whether they are the graves of their departed Consul crashes down ancTtccurjrtely. building of a Cathedral or While his ex-wife, Yvonne, towards the trees. Father Latour's ministry the cooking of a leg of » and his brother-in -law are This wonderful book is takes^htm from hia larsfb are treated with db,uat looking for him during a published by Penguin,

h^neU»rtdr^rar>0»,""to Qhgk .solemnity. , » thunder storm, the Consul costs £3.95 and is well aft%than«S»-t# New M»*ic charges at Yvonne and kills f»fthfMn*^ ... Waterstones, published by her. With a perculiar sense .file Indiana rfjriafft aloof' ^ Virago price £2.95* of deja vu you realise that md mystatfotw, bitter ov§t- Jj|»lcolm Lowrey's Under the same horse entered the tnlquitiei gpr^nitted h tjfcvoiwwo i* more story earlier, and that all whiteman.'S$otml injufej... jrjt#ll«cki*1lst, being the later events are suctyis wife Mtln^'w* \yp* of book that you read forshadowed by former not jffings that the prl«t« four'ffmes and stih find new decisions. The Consul seemed particularly underlying metaphores in. shooting wooden ducks at concerned about. Both thti ft is i brilliant exposition of a fair is the same man who boodand Under the a drunkard trying to hide kills his wife, the same who Voldftno r«tej3«r» on from guilt and death, in never had the guts to say 'T siting oopjharacters , which everyone, should can never forgive you than plot, hMthv paie of f a&pgn «,e.^eiis.eijf«a., deeply enough' to her. ^^^^tirr»a,cy» the Stream of consciousness frantic paci ofvolcano. 'Prr^fWvemtjer 1939, takes over as the Consul The hara|t yet beautiful underlined byjhe presencf- collapses into drunkeness;

Well Christmas time is here ; in and out of love, spots, again, and for some of you his dog running away, his that may mean being usually like anything that's parents splitting up and his invaded by hordes of THEATRE about four hours long and poetry being rejected by screaming nephews, nieces happens to trace the the BBC. The observations and cousins. I suppose you pantomime -I mean, who history of the British on the problems of could escape by taking really wants to watch Empire from start to finish, adolescence are incredibly residence in the bar of your Russel bloody Grant enjoyed it. So there you go. acute, so at times you'll be local pub, but if your poncing about on stage I suppose that's enough left squirming with mother wants some peace wearing someone else's about my parents, so how embarassment as you and quiet while she's dress? But the fact remains about the play? Well, for remember the time when.... stuffing the turkey why not that you'd be wrong about those of you who haven't The script follows the take the little brats to see 'Secret Diary'. It does read the book,, basically it book fairly faithfully, so it's The Secret Diary of Adrian appeal to both kids and tells the story of a year in extremely funny. Some of Mole, Aged 13?/-f ? adults (and even students!). the life of Adrian Mole - the musical numbers made I know what you're going Even my parents, who only how he copes with falling me cringe a little (the only to say -something along accompaniment being a the lines of 'but that's poky little synthesiser), but bleeding kids stuff, all that the set and cast are very pantomime/and secret diary, OWYMDHAMS THEATRE good. of Adrian whatsit.' Well, I'd All in all a very good time CHARING CROSS ROAD LONDON WC2 BOX OFFICE 01-836 3028 tend to agree about the to be had by all the family.

24 11 December 1985 FELIX Apple Computer U.K. Limited welcomes all Imperial College staff and students to the worldwide Apple, University Consortium

Imperial College has joined eight other British academic institutions in the Apple University Consortium - a worldwide partnership of Universities with members in Europe, Canada, Australia and America. The Consortium members are working with the Apple Macintosh personal computer on the development of University related software applications As a result of Imperial College's membership, staff and and the exchange of ideas and experiences of computer students have the right to purchase Apple Macintosh assisted learning. personal computers at highly preferential rates. To find out more simply telephone Dr Sean Crofton or Imperial College departments already using Max Wright on extensions 6174 or 6193 at Imperial Macintosh include Mechanical Engineering, Computing, College 01-589 5111 or telephone Havlev Smith at Apple Electrical Engineering and Cultural History. 0442 60244 In addition. Imperial College is expected to feature strongly in the International Conference being hosted by Apple, tin.- Apple- IngnMKl ilk' Vi IK-LI- fur ilic Mind higiun.' iijik'rmi ik-.nl Apple CumpukT. Ilk Mjiiiiiush is A ii;kk'iii;irk ul Mi'lniush l.;ibnr;iiory liK. and IIH'II W ill) ilk Cambridge University next March, when academics L'xpR'ss|k'rnliNsi()n ul Ilk uu mr from all around the world will be meeting to share and Apple Computer U.K. Limited discuss their experiences of working with Apple's Eastman Wav Hand I lempstead Hertfordshire HP2 "HQ revolutionary personal computer. Telephone (0442) 60244 Telex 82583-4 APPUIK G See Imperial College's own Macintosh Office in Room 785 of the Mechanical Engineering Building Cross Hockey Country Ashford 0 IC 1sts 1

The first half saw IC Midway through the dominating the midfield season, the Cross-Country and excellent moves down club are maintaining a the right wing created Hockey slender lead over Surrey many chances. However Saturday 30 University in the London the attack, led by goal-shy Middlesex League Colleges League. This is Justin 'Bullet' Brooking, Mens thanks to a good turnout at found the finishing touch Ashford 0 IC 1sts 1 the last race at Shooters elusive. The defence played IC 2nds 0 Harrow Twn 3 ULU League Hill, where IC had enough superbly and achieved the Ladies for 2 mens' teams and remarkable feat of IC 1sts 7 St Georges (amazingly) a full ladies' conceding no short Friendly team. Bryan Gamblin ran corners. Special mention to AHSS 4 IC 3rds 0 well to finish 9th and the Paul Smith's stopping Sunday 1 Friendly rare appearance of Paul ability which stood out Mixed Brooks-Johnson and from the rest of the IC 3 Goldsmiths 'megastar' Mike James defence. In the second half Badminton ensured a solid first team IC threw everything Friday 29 Cup performance. Sue Waters forward desperately ran well again in the ladies seeking the winner. Even IC 10 Chelsea Football race, which also featured Jon Stonham meandered Saturday 30 the IC orienteering captain into the oppositions 'D' ULU League getting lost! before resisting the LSE 1sts 2 IC 1sts At the Stag Hill relays, IC IC 2nds 0 UCH temptation to shoot. In the 1sts came a very creditable 4th, dying seconds, Ian Parker LSE 3rds 0 IC 4ths IC 6ths 0 just failing to beat showed a momentary flash Inst of Ed Guys 1 RSM University of London. In of brillance and scored a the recent GLC blinder. championships, the IC Football Water Captain and bar race world IC 2nds 0 Harrow Town 3 record holder, Jon Lea, LSE 1sts 2 IC 1sts 3 Polo managed to get us Things looked grim for the disqualified before the Seconds when HTS turned IC got back to winning After a high spirited trip to start. up having gained 13 points ways beating LSE for the Bristol, the Imperial See the noticeboard for from 15 in the league so third time in competitive College water-polo squad next term's fixtures, which far. They looked much matches this season. With started their first round include the Hyde Park worse when the opposition conditions very slippery tournament of the UAU Relays and terminate (sic) managed to go one up in underfoot it was always Championship poorly going with the Holland trip. the first 7 nanoseconds of going to prove hard for down 5-4 to Surrey the game. defences with the LSE In the second game Not to be deterred by this keeper having a first half he against Southampton Badminton very early set-back the would want to forget. With University IC played to Seconds promptly gave LSE reduced to 10 men their full potential putting IC 10 Chelsea 1 away a penalty! However, after a sickening clash of in four goals before half- heads (Lawrence Covill 3 the gods of chance smiled time. In the second half Trying our best to ignore stitches, LSE defender 6 benignly down upon team several substitutions were the rain dripping on to the stitches) IC began to make captain Phil Choudhury made with Johnston side of the court, the mens their one man advantage who pulled off a somewhat replacing Eastman, Mayall singles with Philip (Tan) play, controlling the fortunate save. The ball replacing Richardson and against the (legendary) JK midfield and playing one ricocheted off various parts Jackson and Crowther Wong (Chelsea) got under touch football. of his body in a vaguely going in in place of way. This turned out to be random order without IC's first goal came when Langman and Davis a very good game, indeed, encroaching over the goal the LSE Keeper was respectively. The final with superb badminton line. deceived and wrong-footed score in this confidence from both sides, but with Throughout the game the by Tom Dutton's 20 yard boosting game was 11-2 HK Wong just managing to Seconds seemed to be at a drive. A second was added which reflected Spooner's win eventually 12-15, 15-3, bit of a disadvantage in so when full back Chris wise decision to rest his 15-12. much as certain members Engberg joined the attack, tired first seven players. Unfortunately for of the team found it very again beating the LSE The crucial game of the Chelsea, their brilliant start difficult to stop the ball keeper at the near post tournament for IC was didn't last long. IC ladies This was in fact due to from the edge of the box. played against the other polished off their ladies certain gravitational LSE's substitue finally favourite team, Bristol doubles to win all 3 anomalies in the curvature appeared at half time and University. Paul Richardson rubbers. The men followed of space. These they came out a gave away an early goal suit winning all 3 men's phenomena were rejuvenated side pulling but vindicated his place doubles, and the mixed particularly in evidence one back after 10 minutes. with some solid defending doubles were won by IC. around the region of space- IC regained their two goal later in the first half. Strong time occupied by Jim So, the final result was a advantage almost pressure from IC resulted Ward. It appeared that 10-1 victory for IC, putting immediately with Tom in a 7-3 win with goals from whenever a Hockey ball them into the 2nd round of Dutton firing home from 18 Nigel Williams, Nick Ireland entered this zone at a fairly the KO Cup, where they yards for his second goal and Eastman. will meet LSE on Saturday. pedestrian vel6city it of the game. underwent an infinite With this hard match out Team: Ladies: Robin With 15 minutes acceleration whilst its of the way a win against Martin, Sarah Threadgold, remaining a goal mouth volume shrunk to zero. This Bath University was Helen Gregory, Susan scramble following a corner was apparently the reason required to qualify as Yates. led to LSE again pegging why Jim found it almost leaders of the regional Men; SL Tan, Bhorat back the defeat to one impossible to stop the ball. group and this was Popat, Dave Heaps, Steve goal. obtained with a 4-0 result. Francis.

26 11 December 1985 FELIX 8 Hockey jjj Last Weekends Results IC 1sts 2 WLIHE 0 RSM 4 RFH 1 Hockey Weds 4 Dec RSM go marching on! IC dominated most of this UAU Imperial College's top game on a very wet IC 1st o Leeds Univ football team extended Harlington pitch. West Sat 7 Dec their unbeaten run to IC London found it very ists 2 Willies thirteen games (ten wins IC 2nds 0 Barnes difficult to penetrate a well 3rds and three draws) from the co-ordinated IC defence, Reading 3rds 3 IC 3rds Sun 8 Dec start of the season. To kick whereas the IC defence Indian Gymkana 1st 9 IC 1sts off the fortnight we got a penetrated WL's with ease. QEC Mixed 4 IC valuable point away to 2nd This lead to Jon Stoneface placed Guy's, Amin Jafar 4 scoring his annual goal, the second half was much of Rugby grabbing the goal, then the same with Nick Hope Sun 8 Dec drawing 1-1 with LSE in the Ladies quarter final of the ULU converting a much St Georges deserved goal. IC 4 cup, Pete Seddars scoring Surrey IC 12 and the game being abandoned in extra time. It Badminton was a magnificent Weds 4 Dec performance by RSM UAU against some rather Ladies dubious tactics and we IC 3rds 0 Reading 3rds 3 IC Bristol Univ would surely have won had An understrength IC team it not gone dark. Any 4 went to Reading at 9am chance of ICU providing and were beaten floodlights at Harlington? comprehensively. Despite Any road, we stayed top of this everyone enjoyed the Football the table as we won our day. The only Sat 7 Dec last game before RSM performances of note were RFH Christmas, 4-1 against those of Judith Hackney RFH; our goals came from and Mark Cottle who were Netball Amin Jafar, Big Head persuaded to turn up by an Sat 7 Dec Brook, Chopper Wardle extremely pissed captain Kings 1sts 34 IC 1sts 27 and an own goal, and only (despite not having played a ridiculous penalty hockey for several years) at awarded by fat stupid the previous evenings G. .ran beat Andy Hands. FELIX dinner and played Many thanks to all the with commitment. team—don't come back too who helped push it over the fat after Christmas and Ladies try line). St Georges came we'll win the League and Indian Gymkana 9 IC 1sts 0 very close to a try in the Cup. Rugby opening moments of the Not a lot to say except they Squad: Andy Hands, match, but one of our Oyster Olsen, Tim were very, very good Hooray! I'm sure that word clever lasses touched it (Southern Premier League) says it all for all you Virgins Hardwick, Chopper Wardle, down, thus saving the day. Keith McScotty, Bob, Ged and we weren't. Result was out there. Yes—we've The tournament (which, Paul Smith (3 penalty flicks finally lost our virginity and McTurk, Brook, Curly incidentally, we won), was Woodward, Steve Riding, against), J Stonehenge (1 we won a match—infact, topped off by a against) and goal keeper we've won two! This epic Chris O'Brian, W O Wen, communal bath, into Amin the Pak, Pete 'Bullet' Chris Jones (1 missed). event occured on Sunday, which Captain Anne made 4 December the 8 when we Seddars and Byran the a dramatic entrance. We Tree. played in a mini- were most entertained by a All you 2nd team lads tournamant in Cobham. rousing version of keep turning up as well, Our first match of the 'Paradise by the QEC 4 IC Mixed 0 we'll try and get a few day was against Surrey, Dashboard Light' sung to games for you next term. who we creamed, 12-0. It us by Sue, Annette, and Fresh from our singing and was a proud moment for Dina, and also by darling dancing (?) activities the Vicki (Foghorn) Williams Sue losing her soap (we night before, the IC mixed who scored her first try don't know where). Cave team were beaten by QEC. ever. Jackie (Shorty) Peirce Anyway—Merry Xmas Their first goal was a also scored a try, as did virgins, and a sordid new brilliant set-piece. Our Kate the Nurse (a visiting Year! See ya in a couple of Canoe centre-back Chris Harrison player). weeks. *3 passed a beautiful ball to Our second match was Ann Jackson who slotted it more competitive, but the home nicely in her own net. ball was in our possession Badminton After that QEC scored 3 most of the time and the dubious goals; the only only try of the match was IC Ladies 5 Bristol 4 Imperial College's new consolation being that our scored again by our dear Cave Canoe Football result looked good Foghorn (with the help of the closest game the IC Society begins its trials compared with the 1sts. about 5 nameless others, Ladies have played so far, next week. As many of you with the 2nd pair having an will know this popular extremely tense game Welsh sport played by two against Bristol 3rd pair, teams of canoeists in a which they eventually won cave using a leather 15-8, 7-15, 15-12. Thanks tc football and various caving Robin Martin, Sarah Thanks to all the people who have written sports reports gear (lights etc). Will this term. Hope you have a happy Christmas. Don't get too Threadgold, Sarah Yates anybody interested in this pissed (Captain), Helen Gregory, event please contact either Anne Pedley and Julie Richard Ellis, Sports Editor K Bonnick Geo 2 or I Hutt. Pennington Phy 3. FELIX 11 December 1985 Christmas Conundra

Mega-Brain in league with Energise Spock Campaign have produced six puzzles to titilate your intellect. The Electric Nightmare and the crossword are prize puzzles. £5 will be given to the sender of the best solution to each. In the unlikely event that you finish them in time, send your answers to the FELIX office on or before January 8th.

Electric Nightmare Punctuate the following so Here's a problem that'sbeen that it makes sense: causing some sleepless nights in the Physics william while alan had had Department recently. Given an infinite grid of 1 OHM had had had had had had resistors, as shown below, had had pleased the what is the effective teacher resistance across any one resisitor?

f=3 f=>k if) 1 i—A i —r M— T £V 1 r T A-n

n—' :i i; H 1: H ft

H S Diameters rir Across 4) Begin to steal from Rhyme I) Beat the table in time to be. about coronary queen. (5) Tf=i: f=3- -I rf -!=: (5,2,8) 5) This is breath catching. (3) 8) Have a clan to move quickly 6) Should arrive on time. (3) down mountainside. (9) 7) Isolated for risking life with it. Although this would II) One of the set gets some (4) seem like a complicated jewellery. (3) 9) Point taken in his portraits. (7) electronics problem, its 13) Sea reclaimation? (3) 10) Something fishy, but hail a solution requires no 15) No Eastern tense this lofty cab. (7) home. (4) 11) Has a grey neck to crow knowledge above a-level 17) It struck a note, or three, or about. (7) Physics, but is so clever more. (5) 12) Other ranks and scout that I thought it demanded 18) This prayer meets with patrols. (6) publication. Please provide response. (6) 13) Murder weapon? Only on your entire solutions as I 19) Kipling's condition. (2) paper. (8) could do with a good 20) Lower oneself to be a 14) Have nothing to do with Toby What is the radius of the pickpocket. (3) and cot. (7) laugh. circle? 22) I, for example, am nothing. (3) 16) Dishing up a noisy party. (7) 23) Rapidity, when measured, 21) Oriental Man's last word. (4) comes to nought. (11) 24) Money for missus. (3) 26) Anne wags knife at Irishman's 25) It takes years for this to Academic Affairs u s o u t h e V s d funeral. (9,4) appear. (3) 1L Adamant n u c s a o s n s m e i 32) Man following the mayor. (5) 27) Rain in Vain to find one and Aeronautics 33) A fair sized vessel, especially bliss. (7) i i o c s m i o t m o p m Apathy for sherry. (8) 28) Woman without man ends up L Bar o c t r t e a a e s h o ft 35) Occidental Voluntary with love. (3) > Beer Organisation makes a promise. 29) Glad tidings to you and them. n i e n e k r r a s e n e Bill i * (3) (3) s d t c e a P a t h y r 0 e p Carl Burgess 36) Easi»as pie, this type of 30) Romans arranged to pay for Cash Photograph. (5) release. (6) n e a r a u o s e 1 k i r k y Coat 38) They trust in Peter Scott. (8) 31) Novel headgear? (6) a t u s s f q r e f s m a x e Cost 41) Meeting of the Minds. (6,9) 34) I don't hail Henry. (3) c c m c u r e s Dep Rep 37) Ajar without a ring this swan. d f h e r o h Development (3) k a a u a i e e f t a P o V t Efface Down 38) Sadly, we have nothing. (3) b a r d e s t s a r Ents 2) Vapour lacks definition. (4) 39) Drop bated bait. (3) u % o e r Exams 3) Take a left from cricket ground 40) Choose a pot. (3) a h 1 e a d u s d n o X r o Failures to start new lives. (3) r s d a b m e c a e y o d n FELIX 1 Fool t a r e u u i s h n o n 1 r o Fresher TT Soc 'Is it a perfect square?' She o c e s V s r c o t o o e a t Gases This puzzle concerns one asked, again he lied. Goer h r i e y e e 6 a s o r f s of IC's most secretive and 'Is it a perfect cube?' f Goon elite clubs, of which there This time he told the truth. s c r h y m 1 e f e a e t S Graduate r Hit Squad are known to be at least 13 'If you now tell me whether « u P a e a a o u s f d 1 a n Home members. I speak , of the second figure is a one, s a n r r s P 1 s a 1 o i Huxley course, of teetotal soc. The I'll be able to tell you the n s h u i s m i m c k Lead president, Ann, and the number', said Ann. i Lecture secretary, Bob, were Bob told her, and she told 1 c r u e a r s Mass 1 3 « t b b recently heard discussing him the number, but she m e a o c s u n f o s Mech Eng how many members of TT was wrong. How many hi] Mimic soc the were in Bob's u e e r t t t Mire people in Bob's department k i 1 1 Department, which had X were in TT Soc? -415 2 i q y e 1 u h m Miss Kingston 1300 people in all. Suicide Selkirk1 rcsu Pascal Mooney 'Is it over 500?' asked Ann. Supreme Sherlield Research Physics Music Unfortunately, Bob had Taste Shot Respire Porn NALGO sneaked down to the bar Tree Soaker Revue Praise Northey at lunchtime and was prone Tube SOAS rsmu Queens nus to lying while under the Union Snack Bar Southey Quentin Oar Andrew Vickers Safe influence, so he did. User Students Sayers Raise Overdraft Aaron Kotcheff

28 11 December 1985 FELIX Deputy President's Amnesty Ski Discourse International

Rape Alarms So far this term over 200 personal rape alarms have been issued and are still The forgotten prisoners—a Two weeks running an J available from me in the campaign to release a article by the Ski Union office, free of charge prisoner of conscience. Club..well, after our to women students. Who is going to defend tremendous success at the I On the same subject you if a totalitarian state last dry-slope-race, we are I those of you who have decides to imprison you all psyching-up for the next | been in the ladies toilets in without trial, tortures you, event (Mid-January). the Union building will threatens you or your However, our first team is have noticed a series of big family with violence or even desperately seeking a red buttons. These are death, just for speaking female skier of reasonable alarms and are connectd your mind? Who is going to ability interested in racing 1 into the Union Office Beit Dave Kingston fight for the thousands of and winning. Security desk and Union men, women and children Could any girl interested Bar. The siren is a who 'dissappear', murdered please contact Martin S persistant and nagging two because they did not Steber (Comp 2) via the tone affair. If you hear it go happen to agree with their Pigeon holes. off DO NOT HESITATE to Dramsoc governments' opinions? In go and investigate. nearly half the countries in the world, some or all of these things happen. It is Room Bookings For the first time in a the responsibility of These can be a pain in Dramsoc exclusive we have everyone to stand up and Model Aircraft the arse at times. When you a talk from the principal of fight for human rights: If book a room, for heaven's the renovwened Webber- people do not, they are sake read what's on the Douglas Academy, one of liable lose them. back of the booking form, London's premier acting and allow time after the colleges. So if you want to At present, the IC Group of Amnesty International is event to clear up. know how to get into a acting school or anything campaigning for the release of one such prisoner, who 'Hey, Shei, you seen this?' Personal Security about the acting is serving five years in a 'What is it, Bobby?' A number of people are profession, come along at 'corrective' labour colony in 'ICMAC want to wish having their property 2.30pm today, to the Lower the USSR. Ivan Starovuit's everyone a Merry stolen. Quite frequently this Lounge. It's entirely free, only crime was to Christmas and a Happy is because things are left and absolutely everyone is peacefully exercise his New Year—even us in the unattended. Don't leave welcome. right of freedom of Close' your bags, wallets, religious belief guaranteed calculators etc alone or 'Isn't that nice—look under article 18 of the your room unlocked when especially those who have United Nations' you are out. I came across Wine Tasting paid their membership International Covenant on one case of a student who subscription.' Civil and Political Rights had left his door wide open 'Look, Shei, why don't we which was ratified by the for at least on hour. What On Wednesday 20 get Karen and Damien Soviet Union in 1973. an idiot! November the (Wine membership for Tasting) Society hosted the While a lot of pressure Christmas—they'll like IC heat of the Macallan that..." Security Guards from a ten persistent Junior Malt Taster 'I'm sorry Tom, you have The Union Building individuals can be very competition, a prestigious effective in improving the power, wealth—everything I security guards generally annual inter-university do a good job which is condition of prisoners like could possibly want, but scotch whisky tasting Ivan, governmente respond ICMAC have more to offer surprising considering the competition, which was amount of shit they get much more when many me'. won last year by one of our people write in to complain 'Heather, I can get you fuel, from some idiots. People member. cause the guards no end of about human rights abuses third party insurance and hassle when they are going The event involved a talk against particular even a six-channel about their business yet and slide-show give by an individuals. For this reason transmitter—just marry me'. still expect them to help if internationally known the IC group of Amnesty 'I don't need your help—I it is needed. The security i whisky expert, Mr Wallace International is launching a want to try to fly by guards look after your best Milroy, followed by a blind- campaign to get everyone myself..' interests. Respect them for tasting of 5 malt whiskies in College to write one 'Hey, Harry, look—'ICMAC that and help them. whose region of origin and letter to the Ukrainium wish everyone a Merry brand name were to be authorities, mentioning Christmas'—that's nice'. determined. article 18 and asking for Christmas 'Huh! Students—I own two The heat winner was the relerease of Ivan houses in the close you Finally I move on to a Yakoulevich Starovoit. It Nick Battersby (EE1) who know. They don't mean us happier note. Christmas is need only be a short letter. received a bottle of 18 year old folk—they didn't send coming up soon and no old Macallan malt whisky doubt you still have some If you want to find out Edna or me a card last and goes forward to the more about the case before presents to get. Why not year, and I'll bet they gave national final, to be held in writing an information buy someone a book from one to them theiving Janaury at a top London sheet can be obtained the Bookshop or some Corkhills. They only really Hotel, there he will meet either from the FELIX regalia from the sports mean the members of the winners of 15 other Office, Union Office or by ICMAC—I know—I worked shop. Both of these shops University heats. telephoning Charles are owned by you, the on the railways for forty The final prizes will Penman 5777. years and all that students students, this helps you in include 6 bottles of whisky, Address for letters:- the end. want is discounts and a substantial cash prize and Ukrainskaya SSR freebies. It's me, the a visit to the Macallan g, Donetsk taxpayer, who pays for Happy Christmas. Distillery in the company of Oblastnaya Prokuratura them to get drunk every Dave Kingston. the Production Director. Prokuroru night and...'

FELIX 11 December 1985 29 2300h 1330h 999KHz, 301m 9 Prince's Gardens FELIX Radio Show. Quranic Recitation Friday Unpredictable, spontaneous, humour and music. 1730h \Nhcrrs 0100h Aero 254 Gliding Club Meeting. 301m,999KHz Arranging lifts to Lasham, All night show. Listen to IC Thursday videos & films. Radio from dusk 'til dawn. 1745h 1230h Union Upper Lounge 0100h Mech Eng 342 Orienteering Club. Meeting Imperial College Choir. to organise social events for 301m,999KHz Rehearsal. All night show. Listen to IC the weekend. Radio from dusk 'til dawn. 1800h 1245h 1230h Bof Zoo Common Room Volleyball Court Today Huxley 413 Christian Union Meeting Basketball shooting practice. Christmas Lunch. Anyone For all players; to teach very welcome. Southside Gym beginners how to shoot, and Imperial Workout wear 1230h Mech Eng Christmas Party help more experienced something comfortable and players improve their Beit Gym Tickets from Soc Reps. any type of training shoe. A shooting. Keep Fit Circuits. Free to Union Upper Lounge towel/exercise mat is also members of IC Keep Fit Audio Society collect today useful. 1300h Club. Membership £1 records ordered on Tuesday. 1830h JCR 130011 Mines B303 ICCND Bookshop Buy your Scout and Guide slideshow. Union Gym Consort Gallery posters badges and cards. Judo training. An informal 10% discount to members. Christmas Carol Service. 1245h session West London Chaplaincy Union Building carols and drama. JCR Sherfield 1930h Islamic Society North American Stall congregational prayer. Above Southside Shop Information on BUNAC work Volleyball Court Micro Club. All members and play in US this summer Basketball beginners Beit Gym have all access to our training. Keep Fit Please bring computers and word Southside Lounge suitable clothing and jogging processing facilities Riding Club meeting. Union Crush Bar shoes. membership £2. Christmas lunch — Real Ale Society meeting. homemade mince pies and Taste Theakston's Old 1830h Southside Gym delicious mulled wine. Peculiar and Bateman's Mild. Keep Fit Please bring Admission 75p for members. Volleyball Court suitable clothing and jogging Room 2E, ULU Badminton Club. Everyone shoes. 1300h ULU Gay and Lesbian meeting welcome. SCR FELIX Office 2000h Wargames meeting 2030h Drink-a-sherry-dry. Your JCfi chance to drink as much Southside Bar 9 Princes Gardens Physics Life/Sci Party. Southside Bar Disco Islamic Society prayers sherry as you can before Biggest Christmas party of supplies run out for £2. All the year. IC Radio Laser Lower Union Lounge profits to Rag Caving Club meeting disco. Schrodinger's Cat Southside Upper Lounge performing live. Admission Saturday 1315h Balloon Club meeting. £2 on the door, £1.50 in advance. Brown Commitee Room 9 Princes Gardens Rubber/Duplicate Bridge Islamic Society prayers 2115h 9 Prince's Gardens Green Committee Room-Top 0100h Weeks Hall (basement) floor of Union building ICCAG Soup Run, tea, soup 301m,999KHz SFSoc Library meeting. Islamic teachings course and meeting London's down All night show. Listen to IC series D: Muslim Beliefs. Access to the SFSoc library and outs. Radio from dusk 'til dawn. of over 1000 titles, plus 1330h discussion and organisation of future events. Physics Level 2 Anhual Coffee Crawl bring your own coffee change. 1400h Mech Eng Foyer Make Kids Toys for handicapped children. 1430h Lower Lounge Acting talk by the Webber- Douglas Acting Academy. Everyone welcome. 1900h Junior Common Room Advanced Dancing Class Great Hall IC Orchestra Rehearsal 2000h Junior Common Room Medals Dancing Class IC Radio will be broadcasting all night on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday nights.

30 11 December 1985 FELIX Kind' released in the late one promises to be in the '70's? Well he's finally decided same mould. Don't miss it. Christmas to quit the road after several Tickets are only £1.50 in years backstage in the pop advance from the RCSU Madness? world. He'll be playing his Office. farewell gig at the Half Moon, The GLC presents a Putney on Friday 20th 'Christmas Party for the December, if you're planning Unemployed'on the 21st to stick around in London December from 3-11pm. The over Christmas then it's well GLC are subsidizing your worth checking this one out. Arty Party ticket by £6 so that you can Capital Ideas makes a welcome All enquiries on 01-788 2387. see the likes of Gregory return to FELIX this week with Serpentine Gallery: A chance Isaacs, Imagination, Madness, a whole page of ideas of what to see some of the paintings Marc Almond and Frank to do over the festive period. and stage designs of Chickens all for the incredible Whether you want to be f&Z Banging celebrated artist Yolanda price of £2! All you have to cultural or just see a good band Sonnabend as part of the Arts do is make your way to in the near future then this More Music! The Marquee is Council Exhibition. It's Finsbury Park and find a page for you.... one of the few music venues running right through to space in the Big Top there. in the heart of London which January 5th 1986 and is open It'll be heated with the does reduced admission for daily 10am-4pm. Admission necessary bars and food so students so all you IC free. tradition there's 'cross- why not have one last fling headbangers should have a Hayward Gallery: A homage dressing' with the prince before they get rid of the Field day tomorrow. to Barcelona and Torres- played by a woman and his GLC next year. Tickets are 'Terraplane' plus Chris Ford Garcia/Grid-Pattern-Sign female clown played by a available from County and Martin Bell are being let (Pretentious Titles Inc!) The man. Don't be too shocked by HaH-remember your Union loose at 7pm for the whole Hayward Gallery on the the image of two men gazing Card otherwise they'll charge night. Bang away! Ring 437 South Bank tries to recreate into each other's eyes and you £8! 6603 for details. professing love 'til the end of the feel of Spain on the banks time. The 'Magic Flute' runs of the Thames until 23rd to 29th December and starts February next year. at 8pm each day. Well worth Personally I'd rather go to the £5. Tel 930 3647 Spain this Christmas because *M Panto Piece they don't sell cheap Bacardi in the Hayward! Ring the For a traditional panto then ri ICA Magic recorded information service one of the best on in London on 01-261 0127 if you can't Pantopera this Christmas is 'Beauty and afford the air fare! On at the ICA at the moment the Beast' at the Old Vic. It Victoria and Albert Museum: is a revamped version of the runs from 17th December *M Haz Bean Don't be put off by having to 'The Magic Flute' which through to 25th January 1986 pay to see all the delights on would make Mozart turn in with special rates. If you want Do any of you remember your doorstep. It's only 50p his grave. In true panto to go back to your childhood Nick Lowe's 'Cruel to be and you get a pretty badge as and get lost in 'a wonderland well (Ed-Go in for free. It's of magic and mystery' then your museum). Why not speni ring 01-928 7616 the whole day browsing and get your money's worth. Hats from India—colourful KM Hogmonay headwear from caps to crowns until January 1986. Stuck for somewhere to go on Kevin Coates—contemporary New Year's Eve? Can't quite jewellery until 9th January make it up to Glasgow this 1986. year? Well the Hank Shots of Style—Great fashion Wangford Band is taking over photographs chosen by David the Mean Fiddler in Bailey until 19th January Harlesden for the whole night. 1986. Dance the night away for only Knit One Purl ' t®jm0$0 Christmas party £6. Tel 01-961 5490 One—Fashionable knitting ancient and modern until August 1986. featuring if H And College... Ring 01 581 4894 for more fresh from new york i.e. radio's Tomorrow sees perhaps the best Christmas party around ed cartwright College and despite the name and it's open to every IC student. /'< Booking captain scarlet It features two bands 'Scrodingers Cat' and 'Duo', Now Booking: with which are both highly Haze and Twice Bitten, recomended. The former schrddinger's cats Greyhound, Fulham, Jan 2. earning an unprecidented 3 live on stage! Barry Manilow(!) Wembley encores at the recent RCS Arena, £12-£20 Jan 4,5,6 Smoking Concert. Afterwards Sting, Royal Albert Hall, £7- there's the legendary IC Radio £8 Balcony, Jan 20-26 Disco led by Ed Cartwnght Clannad, Dominion, £5-£7, and Captain Scarlet hot off tickets Feb 1 the streets of New York. I £1.50 in advance Ozzy Ozbourne and Ratt. from R.C.S.U. don't know how many of you went to the Freshers Party Hammersmith Odeon, £5.50- (£2.00 on the door) ..hark the herald angels sing. after the Life Sci Dinner in £6, Feb 19-21 October but most agreed that Depeche Mode, Wembley it was the best party around Arena, £6-£7, April 16 College for a long time. This

FELIX 11 December 1985 31 Buzz Off for Christmas

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