Bare Facts 22nd March '96 University of Surrey Students* Newspaper issue 875 In This Issue Bare Feet Stench Over!
N THE EARLY hours of Friday morning the world Ibecame a safer place when the writers of Bare Feet finally gave themselves up. Paul Williamson and Andrew Revenge is sweet, Gale, both electrical engineer- CQ tells you how. ; ing students, were encouraged pages to give themselves up when they received assurances that they would not be forced to write for Bare Facts. The pair, who have been be- hind a spate of gangland news- paper publishing, showed no remorse as they were charged at Guildford Court today. They spoke only to confirm their names and were other- wise defiant. Their solicitor released a state- ment at midday which claimed the two were suffering from manic depression brought on University by a lack of humour on cam- Invaded pus. Doctors tonight said that this was a perfectly normal re- pages action to an engineering de- gree and that many Surrey students would suffer similar symptoms at some stage. He further commented that this did not excuse their attempts to pervert the course of a bor- mg semester. Mrs Gillian Williamson one of the accused's mother said that she couldn't believe that her sweet innocent son would be capable of a form of humour, and that her full story would soon be appearing in the Daily Mirror. Toy Story The two will be held in the reviewed comms office until a quorate page 10 GM decides their fate. Chris R. Abbit 2 Letters ^eoft S •M Faca b» Ind^MidM nmpapn.puU Wild IMvmarofSuRiySudm CaimwvcjiMm OCic«. Ih* vWm n^raMsd wKhm Ih* pipv M Aim of Ita Ediiei '-'Ueuf toothbrush and rub their bits name by deed poli to York- though it might seem like it. In vigorously back and forth, un- shire Bank plc Are Fascisi fact, some are lucky enough to f evenge. Pure, unadulterated, til they are completely red raw. Bastards after being charged have rather rieh parents. So spiteful, malicious revenge. Then bugger off and stay at a £20 for a £10 overdraft. Sur- imagine the anger that one Lovely, innit? Tired of your friend's place for the night. In prisingly, the bank has asked such Student feit when he kept cheating lover? Bored with the moming they will wake up Mr Bastards to dose his ac- getting complaint letters about your bombastic, sexually-har- extremely hung over, naked count. In return, he has re- his £10-£20 overdrafts and assing boss? Want to know next to each other, with very quested that they pay him the threats to bounce his cheques, what to do? Here's some ideas. sore parts. Leave it to them to 69p balance in his account by despite his family banking in Women are far better at re- try and figure out what hap- cheque — made out in füll to the same branch, with their not venge than men, although that pened. his new name. inconsiderable fortune. Irked may be because they seem to by the bank's pettiness, he indulge in it more. So the ma- Or what about a little fiscal If you ever go skiing and get asked the bank if he could jority of ideas here are acts of farce. Ingredients: one pissed well pissed off with queue- open a safety deposit box, all revenge that you femmes can off girl about to leave a man, jumpers, try this. If the gon- the while muttering about his perform. Of course, we all one man ignorant of his fate, dola has one of those mother's jewellery, insurance know that men are horrible one car. Whilst man is sleep- compartments where the skis and so on. The box was cads only after one thing ing take car keys and drive car and poles are carried outside granted. whilst women are evil-free lo Heathrow. Park car in short- the lift it's a simple matter to zones of niceness and love. term car park. Note that the wait until the lift is about to Some time later he waitzed Which is why no one would Charge is £1.80 per hour. depart... and quietly remove into the bank and asked to take ever think of doing a spot of Leave man sweating for three the skis. It causes untold irrita- his box out. He went through DIY revenge on women. weeks about where car is. Teil tion to the victim that they all the barriers, windows and Would they? him. Watch him go to collect have to go all the way up in the checks, took his box to the car. Enjoy face as he gets a lift — and then down again to windowless room and was left Cheating Partners. This £1,000 bill. Or ^^ collect their to his own devices. Finally he one's not too expensive and you could just , skis. declared himself finished and easy to do. Firstly, hire a pros- the box was put back. Several try gluing Here's some titute to pick up your unfaith- sand onto his days later all of the people ful ex-man. Any bar or extremely quick revenge with access to the strong room windscreen tricks, if meeting place will do, but it's wipers. began to complain about the essential that it looks com- hung over, you're inter- smeli. Shortly afterwards Cli- pletely casual and spontane- But there's ested. Make a ents too Started to complain; it ous. Brief her to get him to hope for the naked camcorder re- became worse and worse and take her to bed, all hungry with boys. This one cording of completely intolerable. So desire. Then, at the moment he might interest next to your loo (with bank officials investigated the is undressed, naked before her, those who no one it in). smeli and narrowed it down to she is to point at his willy and have been each Next time twelve boxes which, in the cir- roar with laughter at how cheated on, in there's a cumstances, had to be opened. small itis, how puny, how bert addition to it other, party, wait un- or whatever his personal hang- beingakind of ti! someone up about it is. uni-sex re- with very goes into the Written authority had to be venge (anyone loo and, whilst sought firom box owners who Or what about this one: Ar- can do it). Go sore they are in could be contacted, and the range for his best mate, him to their room there, pop on procedure for opening a box and yourself to go out for a on campus (or parts...." your video. without the owner present is a Saturday night drinking ses- their house if When they complicated business involv- sion at a wine bar or pub that off-campus) and, carefully come back they'll be con- ing Notaries public and a main you know, with the strict does it, Ínflate 100 or so black vinced that everyone's been board director. But at last they agenda of 'getting completely balloons with heliüm by put- watching them. Senna powder managed to get the twelve hammered'. Now, sneakily ting the balloon under the door can have a dramatic effect, boxes open. When they finally pre-arrange with the bar staff and inflating from the other particularly if stewed. The discovered which was the of- to only serve you water when side. Imagine their surprise at man into whose bran flakes it fending box the bank wrote to the boys are ordering Tequila not only having a door that's was put knew of the legendary the Student, asking him why he Slammers for you all. In the hard to open, but a room full of power of bran, but was sur- had put four trout and a cam- fullness of time they will be balloons as well. prised by its vehemence. Have embert into a safety deposit completely rat-arsed and you, some fun re-recording your box. His reply was a classic: feigning similar, will be com- Another good one, chaps, ex's outgoing answermachine 'Dear Sirs, Thank you so much pletely sober. Help them espesh if your girl uses mois- message. The possibilities are for your letler. You have put weave their mindless way turiser in the morning. Add a endless, but try this on as a my mind at rest. I was due to back to your place 'for a night- dollop of fake tan to it and start: "I'm sorry, I can't come have a dinner party that eve- cap', where they will no doubt watch her quizzical face as she to the phone just at the mo- ning and I have been wonder- extremely quickly drop off goes through her day, wonder- ment, I'm having sex with a ing ever since where I mislaid into complete unconscious- ing why everyone is looking at goat. But if you care to leave my shopping'. ness. Once they are both un- her. Or try tipping the sham- your name and number..." conscious, Strip them of their poo out of her bottle and sub- Be careful out there. clothes (use rubber gloves, if stituting it with golden syrup. Finally, my favourite revenge necessary) and manoeuvre Story. Perpetrated not on an- Lee Hopkins Your local bank might not their inert bodies so that they other human being, but on a necessarily like this one, but a are lying next to each other on bank. Not all of us studenty- Michael Howard of Leeds (no, the floor or bed. Next take a types are poverty stricken, al- not the politician) changed his 4 Features Easter Chocolate So with everything coming to a nice end it's time to say HE HOLIDAY goodbye and head off for a T nice Easter full of chocolate. IS HERE AND things have been Chocolate by the way is a nicely wrapped up - the great comforter, eat lots over Easter while you pine for the Got Qñi; vieiDs? authors of Bare Feet are next issue of BF. behind bars (working for BF, although they don't Rob Dorey Communications Officer like to admit it), the last sus 1 [email protected]. issue is finished (I am This editorial has been spon- writing this as the last sored by Cadbury's, Nestle, article before putting BF Terry's and the EEC choco- 05OOÉS to bed), and the bar is late mountain. calhng. orrivQl ÖQi^ Andrea's Affairs M s WAS SAID AT two to say "PACK IF VI HUSTINGS last IN", or words to that Aweek, we are effect! completely fed up (and a Sorry about the grumble, few other words that are have a good rest over the holi- day, even those of you who unprintable) about the will be revising need to take lilG abuse the Club Run some time off. minibus drivers are Then please come olong to onother meeting Andrea Moriey getting - please STOP IT Student Affairs Ofñcer -and if you witness such (Weifare & Education) to discuss next yeor's Intro UUeek Tel: 259228 (Ext9228) incidents, please, please ot 1 pm on Fridoy 3rd May (UUeek 12) stick Up for the drivers, it would only take one or in the G-Mitchell Room (in the Union) Absent Friends T^S BEEN TWO happened to his brown suede You'Il remember his cheesy The events of that night YEARS now, two jacket, or his wallet, they grin. You'll remember what will probably never come years since I lost a were never recovered. he was like after a few drinks, to light and Uiinking about Igood friend of mine. and that this was little differ- ali the what-if scenarios It is probably the lack of an- It's strange how quickly the ent to when he was sober. Af- only plays havoc with the swers, even after two years, ter the hurt his memory brings brain; like wishing the time has gone. On Üie evening that swells the hurt inside me, of Sunday 13 March 1994, me a little smile. A smile to milk had never been spilt. and it is probably the lack of the time when he carne in to l'm not sure how the hurt one week before his twentieth effort from either university birthday, Morgan White school two months before we will change in the coming to uncover the truth that sus- were to take our A-levels and drowned on the campus of years, I think that ali I can tains it. I don't really think the said he was off to America to do is to be happy. Be happy Michigan State University pain eases over time, it just live because he'd obtained a for the man who used each whilst on the second year ex- becomes less explicit. Rather green card. The following day day to its full and achieved change programme. The truth than bursting in to tears, the he was gone, only to return more in his short life than surrounding the circum- pain tums in on itself and the before the week was out be- many will ever do. Ali any- stances of that evening has feelings and thoughts of two cause he'd ran out of money! one can do is to spare a never been uncovered. It is years ago come flooding A smile to the Christmas eves thought for absent ^ends known that he was dnink. It is back. Tm not really sure what we spent in the Gypsy Moth and give a little smile. known that he was with triggers it, sometimes a song in Greenwich, our nights friends earlier on that eve- on the radio, sometimes a clubbing in London and phrase or an action someone To The Mogs. Proud to ning. It is thought he was on camping in Swanage and to have known you. Your his way back to his room. It is says or does, sometimes noth- ali the other times he was out ing at all. memory will never be for- not known why he was any- with US. Ali I can hope is that gotten. Rest In Peace. where near the bank of the the memory of Mogs brings a river on campus, especially Some of you final years out smile to the faces of ali those Omar considering he couldn't there will remember Mogs that knew him. swim. It is not known what vividly from the first year. Features 5 University On The Top Ten Brink Of Transgressions F YOU THINK A stopped by P.C. Plod and done Invasion! VICE IS WHAT for speeding. The road is di- vided into two groups, the IYOU used in CDT worthy and the damned and and that ethics is a county only you and a few select oth- that contains ers are amongst the chosen Chelmsford, then hello ones. Hie problem is that eve- ryone seems to think they are you cool dude member of amongst the elect. Just try tell- the real world. It seems ing your friend that he's un- that our idea of sin has nerving you by driving at changed since Moses 65mph down a narrow lane descended from on high and you'll see what I mean. Faith may be going through a with a slab in his hand. In period of decline but what eve- fact one could say that sin ryone today is convinced of,- has completely vanished. what they unequivocally be- We must have got rid of lieve in, is standard of their it. So, aren't we clever? own driving. But how, and what have we got to replace it? 3) COMPLAINING Basically we have placed AND MAKING A around a small fraction of the a couple of new faux pas SCENE uni and will the begin to pour in the place of sin and ITH THE onto the site, overrunning the here they are, the four Anyone who hasn't got the THREAT OF authorities and eventually tak- deadly embarrassments; grasp of the simple fact that INVASION ing control of the seats of complaining just isn't done Wmounting every day, the power. must be a few chicken legs 1) ENTHUSIASM University have taken 'Eradicator Squads' have been short of a picnic. It's perfectly drastic steps in an attempt set up to deal with any 'trolley' This has to be the deadliest of understandable that you're to curb the advance of the troopers found wandering on modem day gaffes. How could naffed off about your hi fi forces of T's-Co. campus and with anyone such a phenomena survive jacking it in, but what you A large trench has been dug to thought aiding and abetting along side the ultimate virtue don't do is complain about it. Make a scene. Demand a new stop the marauding 'trolley' them in their cause. So be care- of being cool? Enthusiastic are ful, next time you give a the people who go to GM's, one and then on refusal, ask to troopers from gaining access see the manager. The cool per- to campus. The evil troopers wounded trolley trooper a who volunteer to be Course push to safety you may have to Rep., who. attend their nine o son is calm and relaxed. The have been laying siege to the cool person would get it sorted , defence which has so far held deal with the Eradicator clock lectures and most em~ Squad. barrassingly of all, who con- without getting having to get up to the constant attack, but tribute to Bare Facts. In short stroppy with the manager. fears are mounting that the Heniy S. Katt enthusiasm wets itself, it looks Most of all. the cool person troopers will soon discover stupid and it giggles. You just would not have bought a ste- that the trench only extends have to compare it alongside reo from D***** in the first experience to discover just place. how pathetic it really is. Sue Pollard is enthusiastic, Jodie Foster is experienced and 4) BEING HAPPY therein lies the difference. It's okay to be content and at peace. That's cool. It's even 2) 3AP DRIVING okay to be ecstatic once in a while, you can pass that off as Ask any of your driving dmnkenness. But what it's not friends who they hate the okay to be is happy. Only stu- most, and sure as hell, the per- pid, docile, ignorant people son Uiey most despise is the are happy. Happy is pink. arse hole they met out on the Happy is for people who are road this moming. That man missing the point and a few or woman who cut them up, vital chips. Cool people are who overtook them from the not happy. Hiey are cynical inside, who nearly smashed and depressed. their car in and killed them, is the one person they want to see Samantha Birmingham Features 6 Should We Don'tPanie! NUMBER OF variably at its fattest in the Ban The FINAL YEAR summer months. Let me en- STUDENTS courage you with another sta- A tistic. Large numbers of have been telling us how Extremists? Surrey graduates are known worried they are that they to get their jobs by writing out NE 0F THE tion. Also arousing concem haven't got anything of the blue to an employer ISSUES TO BE is the expulsion of Nick de lined up yet for when they fancy working for. DISCUSSED Marco, Union President at they graduate. Let me Once again, its far easier to O Kingsway College. (De say first of all that this is pick up these jobs when you at next weeks N.U.S Marco was expelled for not unusual. Last year are available to start work im- conférence in Blackpool throwing paint at Brian when we went round mediately than it is while you concems whether or not Mawhinney), and the suspen- with clip-boards on are still a student. we should ban extremists sions of six Union members Graduation Day asking from taking up from South Bank University There's also encouraging Sabbatical posts in our following allegations of fi- graduates what career news if you are thinking Unions. The motion has nancial impropriety and in- plans they had in place, about postgraduate study. timidation of other students. only about 50% had Once Finals results are corne about following something definite to go known, members of aca- growing concems about NUS officers and the Com- to. Yet by the time we demic staff have a better idea increasing student mittee of Vice Chancellors finished our survey 6 of who is eligible for awards , militancy. The and Principals are agreed that months later nearly for postgraduate degrees. If ( action needs to be taken the student they had provi- against a range of fringe or- everybody was either sionally offered a place fails discussion at N.U.S will ganisations. What the Con- employed or doing some to get die required degree, the therefore focus on ference at Blackpool aims to sort of further study. member of staff tries to fill whether students with debate is whether or not to The explanation lies in the the place, in rather a hurry, extremist political or 'draft and implement a na- fact that graduate recruitment with someone else. This pro- religious views should be tional code of practice as a has become a year-round vides you with a somewhat permitted to take up a full guide to dealing with extrem- process. For example, we unexpected opportunity. time représentative post. ist groups'. know that roughly 10% of Altogether then, there are The activities of Islamic fun- Issues that will be taken into Surrey graduates obtain their good reasons for not panick- damentalist groups in par- account include the fact that first job by replying to an ad- ing! I would encourage you ticular have aroused the the code may compromise de- vertisement. We also know to concentrate on getting a concem of Vice - Chancellors mocracy and freedom of that many recruiters who good degree and apply your- and Union Officiais alike. speech and the f^t that cur- place ads expect applicants to self to your career planning as The group Hizb ut-Tahrir, rent student apathy makes it be able to start as soon as time permits. You may not (alleged to be hostile to Jews easy for extremists to enter possible. This means that the have anything fixed up yet, and homosexuals), engaged office, which in turn may closer you are to graduation, but if past years are anything mean that a code is essential. in a sériés of confrontations in to go by, you shouldn't have Surrey's six NUS delegates the more realistic are your to wait too long before you and around University Cam- will be at the conference rep- chances of success when re- do. puses at the beginning of the resenting you on this issue plying to an advertised va- academic year in an attempt and also on issues regarding cancy. Small and RussClark| to gain new members. Their Education Policy and Fund- medium-sized employers in Careers Service actions have caused so much ing. particular are much more P.S.Have a great vacation! unrest that they have even led likely to look for graduates And why not pick up the lat- to the closure of London Samantha Birmingham. after Finals. That's why our est issues of our vacancy bul- Guildhall University for the (NUS Delegate). own Vacancy Bulletin is in- letins before you go. day, following a démonstra- Comedy In Edinburgh edy show and the overall win- More Details on answered the tie breaker in ner will have an opportunity the most amusing way. EARD THE to meet all the celebrity judg- the Compo H ing panel at the final's as they As well the fu-st prize of a trip ONE ABOUT 5 attempt to choose this year's LL ENTRIES to Edinburgh with spending free trips to the winner. MUST BE money, five nights accomo- Edinburgh Festival plus dation and tickets to the So what do you have to do to Aaccompanied by fringe shows; prizes include: over a thousand prizes to win this chance of a life time? two Daily Telegraph be won? It's no joke! Come in to the Bare Facts of- mastheads as proof of 50 Second prizes of a 'com- Well, not for those entering fice to collect an Edinburgh edy pack' of three videos, an purchase and must arrive open Mie T-shirt and Base- the Daily Telegraph Open Festival Competition form, no later than 7th June Mie Award's and it's accom- plus details. The closing date ball cap. panying competition at least. is 7th June 1996.Enjoy! 1996. Prizes will be awarded to 500 Third prizes of an Open The finals are to be held at the Mie T-Shirt. Edinburgh Fringe Festival to S. Paul. Sport those entrants who have an- which five winners will re- The full conditions are avail- swered the questions cor- 650 Fourth prizes of an Open ceive £150.00 spending able on the noticeboard op- rectly and who have Mie baseball cap. money, free accommodation positethe snooker roonu for five nights, 5 pairs of tick- ets to see the very best com- News 7 Guildford Computer Metro Break-in HE Over the weekend of 16/17th The Guildford Metro an office in AB building and I Sill Box Road another computer lab in AD I SuwgUoo Road T were broken into and more UNIVERSITY memory was stolen. As a re- WAS AGAIN sult students may have seen P«k THE VICTIM OF Police swarming all over cam- Bam computer crime last pus. Guildford week when thieves broke There have been thefts of com- Station into the Electronic & puter parts from AA to AD so Electrical Engineering far, the thieves braking into department teaching labs one room in each building. Artlingun^ (AB20). The theft The thefts will place strain on occurred at about 7.45pm many departments already tight budgets and will in the on Wednesday 13th long run lead to greater restric- Road to Merrow, and Arl- March, leaving the labs ington to the research park, tions on access to computer both via the main Guildford closed the following day. equipment. station. The theft was, as usuai, Security would ask anybody OT A NEW of memory, a commodity Substantial subsidies would who sees anything suspicious N that is worth more per oz to fill in a campuswatch form NIGHTCLUB, be implemented to reduce but the creation fares to attract sufficient pas- than heroine. The or call them on 2002. of a new train service sengers for the plan to be vi- department will have to If anybody sees a crime being able. The new stations would using existing railway fork out about £3000 to committed they should phone be at Salt Box Road, replace the chips not to security on 3333. We need to lines to reduce cars in Stoughton Road, Woodbridge remember that security is eve- Guildford. Road, Stoke Road, Boxgrove mention the time spent rybody's business, help look Hie borough's Environmental Road, Merrow, Artington, the getting the machines after the resources available to Forum says that it is the an- University, Park Barn and the working again. The us. swer to the town's search for Research Park. previous week two an environmentally friendly Tania Williamson transport system. The creation of just one of the people were seen acting Low cost halts or stations routes could reduce traffic in suspiciously around the would be built on the existing Guildford by 3000 cars a day. labs, security were lines, with a dedicated shuttle Sally Kentfield notified by two members service between them. There of staff. would be two routes, Salt Box THE BIG IDEA QUESTIONAIRE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF SURREY THERESULTS fi fhkh m li Ph ÄÄ? issm « fui mp^ An)Sl8% SEX1SM3% RELfflONSHIPS21% KN0W1NGG0D9% iìWoéifìiiMIiBiisis? STRESS 1556 MONEY24% ENVIRONMENT21% HAVINGAG00DTIME9% LEGEND/MYTH2Ì% TEACHER/PROPHET31% S0N0FG0D31% L0NELINESS6% WAR18% YOURFUTURE45% WORLDPOVEtTIT 15% GOODMAN15% REUGI0USLUNAnC3% SEX6% POimCS 9% UNEMPLOYMENT 12%H0MELESSNESS6% FAMILY30% 01113% FRIENDSHIPS24% C0URSEW0RK12% 5Ì finfé ifon tt^P Im P) Im àiSjPliiil fémP tu sojPìmmiéPsdai? OFmsncm APATTffiTIC9% CONFUSED 33% N016% N0TSURE33% PESSIMISTIC24% CONCERNED72% HAPPY24% EXCITED21% SAD 12% ANGRY 18% INTERESTEDINHIM28% DONT CARE ABOUT HIM 16% L0VEHIM18% C0NFUSEDAB0lJrHIMI5% HÄFEHIMÖ% jmmsMijd^^sptesiii, NotataII=l,TotalIy=6. PARENTALBELIEFS:3.34 FRIENDS: 2.37 MEDIA; 1.93 FORMAL EDUCfflON: 2.71 Notataü=l,toagrcatextent=6. PREVIOUS RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE 2.72 PERSONAL CONaUSIONS 4.47 8 Music SINGLES REVIEWS simui OF jmi WIÜEK (1) THE PRODiGY Fireetarter (XL/Out Now) The long wail is over, for months we have longed for some new material from Es- sex's fínest techno warriors, and when it arrived it was bet- ter than anything we could have ever imagined. From the first kick of the punky techno beat right down to Keith's in- sane singing 'Firestarter' drives you mental. The en- ergy which the song has is incredible and right from the beginning it has this power over you which makes you pick your feet up and dance like a total nutter bastard. The bringing in of the electric guitar to add fuel to the fever pitch techno beats is a master stroke. The two mate furi- ously to devastating effect. TTie 'Empirion Mix' of 'Fire- starter' is a lengthier versión track on their sin- sic that most of us always Soundz' only with swearing. of the song and is a more dan- gle which features the word wanted it to be. (8) Bloody ace. (8) cier effort, whilst extra track bitch. Republica's 'Bitch' is a 'Molotov Bitch' is possibly story about nightmare girl- the best Prodigy song you'll ftiends that will put you off THE DELGADOS INTERSTELLA ever hear. (9) dating for the rest of your life. Qnecentre Granàmaeter SINGLE OF THF (9) (Chemikal (Planet S/Out Now) Underground/Out miílK (2) DREADZONE Well done Interstella. For the Now) last year or so I have been REPUBLICA Life, love and Unity blinded by a certain chap Ready To Go (Virgin/Out Now) Every now and again you get called Tricky. I believed that (¿íeConstruction/Ist a record label that continu- eve^thing he did was godlike The 38th single to be lifted ously releases fantastic re- genius. Until I heard his 'Dur- April) from Dreadzone's epic 'Sec- cords. A few years ago it was ban Poison Mix' of your new ond Light' album, is basically factory then Creation, last single 'Grandmaster'. My il- Basically this record is 'Fire- very good indeed. The extra year it was Food, this years it lusion is now shattered. starter' only with a female vo- good thing about it is that could well Chemikal Under- Cheers. cal which scarily enough Dreadzone have tumed what ground. They have already doesn't sound too different lo was before a plain old album given US Bis and now they InterStella haven't made a the fantastic Keith effort. Re- track it a multi remixed, unleash The Delgados on us. stunning record. 'Grandmas- publica's music is a self con- vastly changed stomper of a ter' is a slow trippy pop re- fessed mixture of techno, pop, record. It starts off with the In a way it is quite similar to cord that skanks along at a punk, and rock that is just a '96 mix' which blends to- Bis, in the way that the chorus slow pace doing nothing taste of what is expected on gether lots of Indian strings degenerates into a collection much at all. When a song does their forthcoming álbum. with Dreadzone traditional of shouts and screams. It nothing at all, like '(^and- 'Ready To Go' is the type of dub reggae sound. starts like Teenage Fanclub master' the best thing not to thing that will thrill dance- during their 'Band- do is include a lengthy ten floors everywhere for some The rest of the remixes are wagonesque' period and ends minute remix of the song. In- time to come. The eclectic also pretty special as well, somewhere in between terstella sadly do this. Luckily style of the techno is of a simi- particularly good are the Huggy Bear and the afore- however, there was a power lar vein to Winx's 'Higher 'Technova Mix' which tips mentioned Bis. cui half way through it and I the song into a colossal drum missed the last 4 or so min- State of Consciousness' fast, If that wasn't good enough furious and in your face. and bass adventure which col- utes. Shame that. (4) lide violent with the seething then third track 'M Emulator' Continuing the similarities it techno beats. Finally the sounds almost exactly the has with The í*rodigy's new 'Disco Dread Mix' tums the same as Pavement's 'Gold single. República also have a song into the dancefloor clas- Music 9 ALBUM mmw REVIEWS in deciding who's best. CD ALBUM OF THE one features the likes of The millK Ballistic Brothers, Secret Knowledge, and Ashley Bee- HUM dle but they are ail played off You'à Frefer An . the park by the vétéran of the pack Andrew Weatherall and FRiDAY Aôtronaut the young upstart Billy Nasty (Pedicated/All whose 'Boom Banging' win- Formats) ning the day. 24W MARCH CD two kicks off with David If you are having trouble Holmes and nobody quite sleeping then I strongly advise manages to top him. His to have a listen to Hum's bril- 'Grumpy Flutter' is without a SPNÌ-2AM liant new album. Their obses- doubt the fïnest track of the sion with space has tumed album. A close second is Dave 'You'd Prefer An Astronaut' Angel's 'Audiowave' and it is into blissful collection of ail rounded up nicely by Mr dreamy tunes that leaves you Cari Cox who contributes the heavy eyed. At times it sounds awesome 'Acid Charge'. An like a take on of The Smashing album full of glories that mvN Pumpkins 'Gish' album. Mix- you'll listen to again and ing wonderful guitar rock with again. (7) smooth mellower efforts. ROSE Pick of the 9 songs is the mé- VARI0U5 AKriere lodie pop rock jam that is T'd Slowburn: DWôeed Like Your Long' and thetwin- kling harmony of 'Little Dip- Out Deatô anà BAR per'. The contrasting styles of After Hours the two tracks clearly show the broad spectrum under which Anthems Hum operate. TTie recent sin- (!^umour/Ali gle 'Stars' is indescribably Formats) catchy and shows off the bands mainstream style. TICKETS £3 'Slowbum' is a collection of The whole way in which the records that are supposed to be album breezes along mixing after hour tunes that are essen- quiet pop rock occasionally tial for chillmg out. SadIy the with more hard numbers album doesn' t quite manage to shows Hum's quality. 'You'd Chili you out. It gets mighty Prefer An Astronaut' will close however, the flipped out In Aid of leave you refreshed and sleep brillianceofWarp69's 'Natu- will no longer be a problem. A ral High' is a spliffed out mas- record very similar to 'Giant terpiece that combines space Steps' just as good as well. (8) âge jazz with sublime ambient Bc^uipment chimes. VARI0U5 ARTI5T5 Other good bits include The For Dleableà The Science 3eh\nà Aphex Twin completely re- hashing St. Etienne's 'Who The Circle Do You Think You Are' into Children At (Full Qrcle/CO/lF) a spooky collection of ambient bleeps. Another track worth Albums which celebrate fa- enjoying comes from the The Koyâl 3urrey mous London clubs usually kings of chilling out Tlie Art tum out to be a load of DJ's Of Noise, their 'Cruesoe' is with their tongues down each beefed up slightly by LFO but it is still an excéedingly mel- others trousers. However Full ABUSE OF MINIBUS DRIVERS Circle is slightly différent. low track. Hie tracklisting on this album The rest is boring acid jazz AND THE SERVICE is incredible. It brings together from the likes of Izit, Inno- every DJ who means some- cence and The Sandals who thing today and bungs them can't be saved despite a Left- WILIRESULTIN together. Each one contributes fîeld mix. (6) a new and exclusive track. DISCIPLINARY ACTION. 'The Science Behind The Cir- Steeve cle' then lets them ail fight out 10 Film and Cinema Trainspotting 90 mins of frving Welch's novel of the to earth movie with vibrant Damon Albam andfits snugly same title. We weren't able and exhilarating characters into the film, with the pump- Cert. 15 to go and see this one, so for taking part in scenes full of ing and pounding beats of the Stars: Ewan one week only a guest re- sex and drugs. Director bass enabling you to be em- viewer takes over part of our Danny Boyle has even re- pathically transported into McGregor, Robert column and this is what they tained the scene from the the drug laced bodies of the Carlyle, Ewen thought. book where Renton (McGre- main characters. gor), after crapping out his 3retnner. "Trainspotting" is a film intestines, goes looking in the Whilst the danger and seri- Director: Panny packed ^11 of energy, taking toilet for the valium supposi- ousness of hard drugs is dis- Boyle you through the lives of a tories he anally inserted ear- played, "Trainspotting" is group of heroin addicts in lier. beautifully balanced with hu- Scotland. Unlike the Ameri- mour. This is not a film for FROM THE MAKERS OF can, hyped up trash that hits The soundtrack features the squeamish, but it is defi- "SHALLOW GRAVE" the big screen, "Trainspot- Sleeper, Elastica, Pulp, Pri- nitely a must for everyone comes the movie adaptation ting " is a hard hitting, down mal Scream, Iggy Pop and else. Toy Story 31 mins "Toy Story" is, unsurpris- falls out of the window into there is a future for movies ingly, a story about some the real world, resulting in made in this way. Cert. FG toys. More specifically, it's Woody taking the plunge and Star Voices: Tom about Andy's toys, a tight knit going out to rescue him from In a few years, people will community of playthings Sid, the kid next door who look back at 'Toy Story" and Hanks, Tim Allen, dedicated to making Andy's tortures toys. laugh at the quality of the Don Rickles, Jim life a happy one. TTiere's T- graphics, in the same way Rex the neurotic dinosaur; Bo The bulk of the movie follows people today don't see the big Varney, Wallace Peep the sexy temptress with Buzz and Woody as they at- deal about the effects in "Star Shawn. a franchise in knitwear; Mr tempt to get back to Andy's Wars" which were revolu- Room before Andy's family tionary in 1977. Thing is, Director: John Potato Head, whose life's de- sire is for Andy to get a Mrs move house and the two toys though they'll laugh as hard Lasseter. Potato Head, and finally are lost forever. Along the at the film as they'll laugh there's Woody the cowboy way they get into all types of with the film. It'll stand the THIS FRIDAY (22/3/96) sheriff, leader of the toys and adventures and close scrapes, test of time that well, just like sees the long awaited release Andy's favourite. developing a mutual respect all the other animated Disney of "Toy Story", Disney's lat- which eventually becomes movies. All is well in their little com- friendship. est full length animated "Toy Story" is a film for the movie and the world's first munity until Andy's birthday arrives and Woody is re- 'Toy Story" is a buddy movie adults as much as it is for the entirely computer animated with a difference. It's packed kids. It's guaranteed to do big film. Thanks to the lovely placed by Buzz Lightyear, Galactic Ranger. Buzz, how- fti|l of humour, romance, hu- business over the Easter holi- people at the Odeon in Guild- mour, adventure, humour, a days and we heartily recom- ford, your intrepid reporters ever, thinks that he's real and not a Toy and so the scene is splash of horror and yet more mend it. set off to catch a preview humour. The computer im- showing. set for bitter rivalry with Overall score = 9/10. Woody. That is until Buzz agery is superb, proving that OFU - Back Soon UST A SHORT weekend film), and another disappointed with the three COLUMN THIS film the previous weekend. films we'll be showing. For Subliminal sentence. Then, more details on OFU and WEEK to let you about films, look out for our w what we're up to on Saturday the 11th May, posters after the holiday or Jafter Easter. we've got an OFU special of visit our web page at We'll be showing Braveheart Creature Comforts, The http ://w w w .ee.surrey .ac.uk/ with the convincingly Scot- Wrong Trousers and Societies/filmsoc/ tish Mel Gibson on the Clueless, which will be a mar- 5th/6th (that's just a usual vellous evening, and a bar- Andy gain at just two-pounds fifty. Arts Cinema goers won't be Classifíeds 11 • Thirsty Kirsty have you else who's up for it. It is a he'd fallen over and Personals met any blood sucking the top floor in the Ball- dropped it after the union. • Dear Grandma, surely they creatures lately room suite. Sorry, but it was funny at the time!!!! can't be two of us? Love • So, are the magnetic Levi's • Karen I need your the other Grandma. to be used as loo roll? LOVE?????????? Will • Ode to Gary Wilmott, we You?????????? • C-glad to see you smihng • Attention all poisson posse love you and we will re- again! - Sxxx members: Mops & Buck- • Mark needs some one soon main faithfui to you for- and Hong is very desperate ever. from The four • S-You Said it's slippery ets at the ready - drip, drip, dribble has progressed to it is unreal. remaining fan club mem- when it's cold. What ex- bers. actly were you referring whoosh, whoosh, water- • Ali- So.... you've finally to? A bald head maybe?! fall! lost it!?!?!?! Lots of love • CHARLIE - another top Happy Easter love C • Luide or is it pukie Croc. night! Cider cocktails here we come on Friday! and • Gareth there is life beyond • B: If it hurts just stop J: I • Marianna Spanoyannis looking forward to hitting computers really love it when you tell 3632! Leicester soon - watch out • C-Who takes care of it? me to stop! • U're so hot, I don't wanna the northeners! Love Well it's certainly not In- • DT, join Welshsoc boyo! stop, until I can't get it up... Zoe.xx dex! S+A! • Beth and Lisa, stop taking • Next time you're drunk • lAN - NO ! I am not getting • Hoover Bird goes under- the piss out of me you old don't steal my chocolate. my arse out in Chancellors cover (you might need a bagsü Love Kate xx Drunk In Progress (well not until youdo any- better disguise though!) • How not to pull in the Un- • Ju jitsu Kay, so sexy and way...)! • Comrade Paynski's Hot ion - Chatup line -'Aaaah bright, in your toga and • DAVE - the fïsh are eating Polish Pom Channel - you look lonely'. Reply- sexy and white!!! baked beans and the dogs available now from a satel- 'No, I'm just tired and pis- • Super Mario, we love you, are flying high. ( - get it lite near you!!! sed' in your gee so sexy and yet?!!!...). • "Come on then, bed, • Fee - don't eat too many whitse someone wants you • Paul Williamson is a lying NOW", who said romance Easter eggs, we don't want this Friday night!!!! git and so is Andy Gale. was dead Piggy backs, you turning into a fat • Simon, Simon On your • So where did you get to trolley riding and sunbath- macker! ! Luv Vie + Räch. birthday, we say hi and Karen and Richard? ing on the A3. Unusual • Well done Bird, you met have a good day!!" Friday night for OAP'sl • Hong's ego's been the challenge! love Beth • Simon , in your toga so satisifed! • A Hoppers recipe for love: XX bright, we ali love you Ingrédient 1) take one • Sarah Maguire- how much • Ruth, can you collect your every night!!! can you remember and knob of Mark and spread bra please. The wire keeps thinly over bread. • Hel and Jan, such a couple, how much did you have to poking me in the eye. Dan made for each other , like drink? • WANTED: Every piece X sister and brother! of technology! Forprices • Remember- the even big- • To the girlies - where's the • SORRY RACHEL. ger bash at my place, Fri- out of this world contact gossip? Comrade Paynski • SIDNEY.... IS there any day. Bring anything • Matt, we hear you're a bit body there?????" alcoholic. Shant. Party on! • Ingrédient 2) beat two lopsided on a Tuesday Toms until succulent and • To Mr Fuddle, You can • Ok, so maybe I made a night?! Oo-er! small mist^e but surely tasty wrap those rugger thighs • Claire are you ever gonna round me anytime - lots of they didn't want a three- • Vicki - Top throwing out be Bothered to go out with love little miss late ! ! ! some?? or at least I hope Score not!!! Dan... me or will you always keep • Cai, if you love me half as • Ingrédient 3) Place Toms me hanging? much as you love your • Let the games commence b^ween Mark and Bread • Girlies - great shag, here's computer I will be WELL in ville de totty, Coos-ca- and serve with Green salad to tonight - don't forget JN THERE, don't let me lamoosh-oo-la-la!! with Italian dressing. ioud and certainly proud!! embarrass you too mudi • Louise, do you know what • Shaz does it without Dan • Sexy Gary, the girls were !!!! love little miss pobble you are getting yourself And Jake right. You are SEX!! • Izzy and Julie you happen- into? • Ingrédient 4) sit back and • Andy, Paul, so you've got ing cyber chicks get e- • And don't say I never put enjoy nicely your shoes back then! mailing lots of love hyper any messages in for you. • Shaz drinks like a fìsh as space babes Chelle and Yes, I do mean you, Debo- • Yasmeen you Wispa thief Cath. weil as watching them can you get your next sup- rah. breed ply off ¿he Dr. Hicky get • PC Neil, Campus has been • Gardener Girlies, thanks • IN - is he just a contortion- your own chocolate !!!!!!!! a safer place with you for the Shag, sorry it didn't ist, or can he juggle as and can Chinny have a nib- around to take care of us. last very long. Love J&D well? ble on yours??? Love from ali of your fans e.g. grabaman and • And then Tyson beat • Michelle, how many ad- • Karen Thank you for your megamouth. Bruno again Which was mirers is it now? we just reply to the invite. Lets nice. can't compete!! meet. Contact me ms51 mf. • Wobble woman, know • This week, I have been Love MARK what?? We're WELL IN mostly eating, Doritos. • Sex for free see soldier in THERE we are!!! There's Twyford D • MARK from the Doms de- no stopping grabaman and • To my little sweet po- • Roses are red, violets are partment would like to for- anyman!!! Love you ton- tato! ! ! - have 2 great birth- blue, Ewee's a pisshead mally invite the following nes, Cath. days, love and kisses 4 ver and Lottie is too. lads and lasses to the Hil- & ever, Your darling ton Hotel In July.- Noel, • To the bloke who I thought yOkO OnO' Shant, Karen, CJ, Sarah, I was helping by stuffing Hong, Rich, and any body his pizza in his mouth a 12 Classifieds • Rachel, put kettle on , Jan • Isn't everyone glad they • Suzanne, Happy Birthday • Nie don't be so nosey, we wants to experience your hung around for 4 hours on for 9th April. Have a great wouldn't write anything tea (he doesn't do Saturday! The fight lasted holiday and don't do any- about you, honest! P.S. soup!!!!). a whole 2 rounds and 50 thing I wouldn't do! ! Love Your mum sounds so sexy ! • Sidney Sidney your tea is seconds!! . Ann-Marie and House 65. • Wey 3, Rml3. Tomorrow great, In your toga cheese • Look out for the Easter • All men beware! Lisa is a night I'll have the ice toasties you make, it's bunnies at the Big Bash!! REAL Woman. cream, have you got the your birthday so have a • SANDRA MACKIE - • Dan? Danny? Dandelion balls? love Patricia. good Urne, JUST KEEP Where on earth do you get Lawley? One things cer- • We solve integration as OFF THAT TUDOR your hair done ? Oh, nice tain - I've got the spider ROSE WINE! you see... so whats your colour!! hands for you!! problem? xx Alegna Ro- • Sexy Si is waiting for you, • The Bare Feet Liberation • Name that Man. Answers man. wish him happy birthday Soc say free the Guildford on a postcard to Superman, • Kiren, is Stuart next in line • Lynsey Two. Bourne 4. number 129? blows CATS!!! • K.Fenn, why are you so • Hannah, are the 59 • Dappy Chirstie I want to • Thank-you very much for good in bed ? from your branches on the tree inclu- be your only lambada part- the lift, Lynsey. passionate other half XXX sive of the one you're ner love, kisses + scratches • Sam drives her boyfriend • Happy Birthday to swinging from?!! XXX H. around the country. Tommy Foxwell - there's • I hope it wasn't Shauns • Rob watch out I am sharp- • Dave's mum appreciated a woman out there for you sheets you wore to the ening my nails...Grrr Ti- Vic's "bollox"!!!!! somewhere With love Toga Party!!! ger. from lesbian hair, melon • Di, Tum the heating off. I • Lisa, if only Jake could • Just how long HAS Lyn- and sexy. sey been in the country? need somewhere to hang come to Dublin, love your • And lo the Angel Gabriel my coat. mad Italian husband xx. • Excuse me Diane, can you appeared before us and • Is it in yet ?!? - from C or • SBS girlies, love + shags help me with these shoes? sayeth "I'm not drunk"!!! Have you got them in a 9? P. Patricia, Stephanie & Ma- • Pancake Bollocks, more • 12 pints of Murphy's - are ria xxx. • Lee, I'll miss you loads. like. Have a great Easter be- you still STANDING. • Eve you kinky Sex Kitten cause you're the Best • Gemma, Happy Birthday, • Cooky is a closet Take from Outer Space, beam Friend a girl could have. (sorry I'm not in That fan! down on our Pseudopodia Love Tarns xxx Boyzone). anytime. Big wet kisses • Who moved the ground? Stephanie & Maria (SBS). • Paola, I hope you realise • For sale: one used, slightly No, who broke the bed? sad onion. • Body Faulks, is it true you that my family want you to • "Grandma - what a big stay as long as you want • I need your lov- don't shag on Sundays? cleavage you have!" - said Love Taticus, creak, Here's to Cornwall!! Love ing anyone good the wolf. Tam xxxx p.s Hope you looking! creak! have a good time. • Lost: Sense of irony. • Dear Graneous, enjoy the • Noel: A.K.A Maggot Please return to campus. • Hallo my little Katiekins: trolley experience? Love • Shant: A.K.A THE • Graany darlin' - you may from sixties Toga bird! xx Daddy S BLOKE WHO WEARS well have 'a' cleavage but • NEWSFLASH: Granny • Roll up for the Hammer Y-FRONTS I have 'the' cleavage - but House of Hoovers wrapped in yellow sheet • PLONKY, WONKY , who gives a s**t any- found decapitated on the • B be gentle with him ! ! TONKY, BIG.... JOE way!!!! A3, following dash sce- • Lynsey, I thought you said • To the forth team football- • Roses are red, Violets are nario. you wouldn't be able to ing hunks - Billy, Clifiy, blue, You're just jealous, • Granny tea. Granny toast. pull in your sheet! Nice Stooey, Tommy and Dar- 'Cos there wasn't one for You are a shite Granny. one girl I knew you could lin' Daryl! Be the new you!! Where are our flumps and do it. Take That!! Love, the gir- • Though we walk through toffee's? Luv Bab van girl • Hong you are a desperate lies, watching you! xxx the vdley of the shadow of and Tats. man! • Doc. Forensic! What's the death, we shall fear no • Daddy Kev and Baby Ka- • 'S' would just like to say big Decision? You either evil.... For we are MECH tiekins - now confirmed that she is totally computer sit with the football team ENG, the evilest bastards our suspicions of Kev's se- literate and can use email and have a monumental in the valley... Carlsberg. cret love child! (and indeed any male) piss-up; or you sit with the • Shmelly, you appear to • Happy Birthday SPACE quite efficiently thank you bird and suffer a monu- have gone up in tìie world very much! mental piss-take! Colours BIRD. Lots of love the at 41 a. You're little toes no BIRDS. Ball Crew. longer poke out. Lov • DOMS students obviously • I really love it when you have the best social lives • Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No Metro Man. its a giant love rug! tell me to stop!! x, I never and therefore have some- • Economics... whens the knew you felt that way! thing to write about unlike • Pigeon, Can I peck your next Kick about... MECH those boring mechies little worm? ENG. • Thomas: JEDMEDEM. whose only delight seems Here's lo a great two to be slagging us off as • To Emma, Happy Birth- • Oi! Stu Wey3. Show us weeks away. Thanks for they are jealous. day for the 24th. Have a your banana in your new putting up with me, I'll good time, don't get too rubber trunks, love the make up to you. When • Shona-sorry. pissed!! Love House 65. SBS girlies. your package arrives. I'll • Jo - he looked great in a • To Nicola, We know it's a • Moo! went Dappy the show you naughty. NAT. toga don't you agree!!! bit early, but Happy Birth- cow! • To the c**t who stole my day for the 1st April. Love House 65. food from Blackwater 0 Classifíeds 13 We would also appreciate it if (Rm 10). Unfortunately • Jo, you dirty stopout. Do Notices you've been seen on Can- rabbit, teddy and duck still you did not harrass the drivers. did Camera, so I'd like an recognise you. lst&2nd year Nurses. Stu- The minibuses are there for apology and some food be- dent Forum 21st M^ch 4pm your safety, please do not • How may verses does abuse them. fore Security catch up with 'friggin' on the riggin' ChemSoc EGM - Friday Thank you you, otherwise I'm going have? 22nd March in undergraduate to kick the s**t out of you. BF - meetings 7pm Mon and • Maddie Hse 65 fame (or 69 CAC lab. Saggy Lycra award goes to Thürs, if you want to help out fame). I have 8 fingers and the Joomeen - USBC. Forum at 4pm, 21st March or if you have any suggestions know my 8 times table for Nurses please come along. How was your night in the given how many figures of Health centre hotel, Carla - 8 that makes, love Clint. The University choir is re- Surfing Trip End of week 11 USBC. hearsing for a performance of (27th - 28th April). Everybody • Bourne 2 banana man. Are Walton's Coronation Te To all on Bourne 3. Hope they dry yet? P.S. leave welcome. See canoe club pi- you enjoy the hols. We'll Deum on the 22nd of March, geon hole in Union for details. Colin alone! the harmonies are brilliant, its miss you. Lots of love. Coronation te deum William Bob, Betty and Benny, xxx • Happy Easter CIT2 from in 8 parts with therefore lots that "tricky" bloke at BF. for everyone to do, and its a Walton and other choral works by IS Bach, Gabrieli, USWFC n tour... will there • SBS fuzzy wuzzy cheer very inspiring noise alto- be enough Guinness (oh, Handel, and Monteverdi. Fri- up... Steve. gether, but we could do with a and men) to go round? few more singers. Tuesdays day 22nd March at 7.30pm • Stuart, were got some nice and Thursdays at 1.00pm in Shalford Parish Church, nr USWFC on tour... wilt chocky chip cookies if you Dublin ever be the same Studio 1. Guildford. University Choir will share your nuts, love and Chamber Choir. Conduc- again? SBS partners. Club Run Minibus notice: tors: Mish Kelly, Lynne Space Bird, I told you it • Bloke you smell! P.S. Please do not drink, eat or Weston; Soprano Soloist: comes to us all in time! where's my Vodka you smoke whilst in the minibus Sally Henderson; Organ Con- on the way back from the tinuo: Jon Payne. nighclubs. • • Ü4 CQ tí aO 0 a • PN o H^ •yi5 .O a> S C CA U Ì 2 ä a> B CS •o 0 Oha S 0 ft £ 05 V) 14 Classìfìeds Crossword No. 24 and 25. es, after a short 10. Part of a play, observed break, the for an audience (5) 'Easy, Peasy, Lemon 11. Interfering old boy with Y dubious virtues (9) crossword is back. Squeasy' Grid 12.AstrangeGuru, 'e'dmade As at the end of last term, prophecies (7) I have concocted two 13. Musical instrument that crosswords - the cryptic may make ten rich (7) and the not so dues, both 14. Shelter provided by a of which fit either grid. meadow, they say (3) 15. Perform for each favour- Therefore, the more ite with speed (10) adventurous of you can 18. Elected, Mussolini in- try both. tended, we hear, to give a Answers after Easter! bribe(IO) Da Easy Ones... 21. Everyone's heard a shoe- maker'stool (3) Acro ss 23. One small coin I got in is very old (7) I. Grab (6) 25. Heads sodden - shivering, , 4. American detective writer going round Iake (7) (8) 26. Advert in lists for cars (9) IO. A bird (5) 28. A wild cat, light weight II. Rectitude (9) (5) 12. They hid curtain rods (7) 13. A golf club (7) 29. To lose backing, in time, 14. A very long time (3) makes one forlom (8) 15. To undergo(lO) 30. Woolly wear from a 18. Expert on crime and pun- Channel island (6) ishment (IO) Down 21.Atree (3) 1. Fool takes part in laments 23. Where plays are staged (7) in drinking parties (8) 25. A big lie (7) 2. Unfading, making the First 26. Famous naval battle (9) Lady right jealous (9) 28. Cheated (5) 3.1 may be heard let slip what 29. Eamest request (8) a poor seer may receive (3-4) 30. III humoured (6) 'It Could Get Tricky' 5. Shed closed - roof ripped Down off (3) 1.Undressed (8) Grid 6. Life going round top of lino 2. Emergency transport (9) makes untidy mess (7) 3. Assemble (7) 7. Nasty oil about a French River(5) 5. A witch (3) 8. Many a flock of geese hides 6. A fertiliser (7) around the East (6) 7. A Yorkshire city (5) 8. Corroded (6) 9. Modem changes went about, causing astonishment 9. Assume beforehand (IO) 13. Advocates in court (10) • (10) 16. ChurchWardens, for ex- 13. Small class always with ample (4,5) the head shows ingenuity ( 10) 17. Part ofthe week (8) 16. Old tracks used in doubles matches (4-5) 19. To surpass in speed (7) 20. Deep rumbling sound (7) 17. Gusty, causing unusual 22. A sculptured figure (6) bustle on railway (8) 24. To establish by law (5) 19. Implement, posh, is lent 27. The intestine (3) out (7) 20. Young ft-og might be seen in old peat (7) Da Härder Ones... 22. Part of mass, a credo, is Across holy (6) 24. Grass idiot with a little 1. A miserable specimen, Ed- crown on top (5) ward, did the hoeing (6) 27. Make 'ot and consume (3) 4. Chains up the French in huts (8) Crosswords compiled by Jeff Blackham again Sport and Campttsport 15 Surrey Ski Campusport Team EASTER VACATION CLASSES Please note that the following classes will continue at the Campusport Centre during the Easter vacation (excluding Kings of the Easter week 5th - 12th April) and will be FREE to DOSH holders. Kings League!!! TUESDAYS 7.00-8.00 am EARLY MORNING HTNESS grand prix ringers, came 1.00-2.00 pm LUNCH TIME AEROBICS in first and second. HE SURREY March 3 was Surrey's day to 5.10-6.00 pm CIRCUIT TRAINING (NB: This will now T show all the other Universities take place on TUESDAYS and not Thursdays as was printed SKIERS HAVE in the South of England just in last week's Bare Facts) BEEN BUSY who was best. Again 7.00-8.00 pm EVENING AEROBICS again this Semester Southampton fell to the way- cleaning up after a side -sorry Tasha! ! Most satis- WEDNESDAYS promising start to the fying was a win against the I.00-2.00 pm TONE TO THE BONE mighty and far to self-satisfied season last November at Oxford Varsity team, driving FRIDAYS BUSC. On February 11, them into fourth place that 7.00-8.00 am EARLY MORNING HTNESS the ski team brushed off night. British Team Skier Matt competition from the Sandel! for Oxford did not II.00-12.00 TOTS TRAMPOLINING Hertfordshire Huskis, know what hit him! Once again the ringers Playthings 5.30-6.30 pm BOXERCISE Southampton and Kent came in first and second, but and many others in the Surrey weren't too upset with first rounds, gaining a their third place ranking, as we place in the top 5 of the are officiiJIy the fastest Uni- versity in the South of Eng- King Universities' land. Parallel Slalom Series. Summer Tennis We lost by only a nose to V. Staples Oxford University. Race Captain The Sarah Tyerman Plastic Playthings, a team of "professional" Tennis Trophy The venue will be the Varsity Centre courts and we have di- Bishop's OR SEVERAL vided entrants into the follow- F ing groups: YEARS SARAH Beaten! PROMOTED Wednesday 8th May, 2.30 - and organised ail the 5.00 p.m. Students and ID en- tries; victory 33 - 26. Well played tennis at the Varsity everyone! Centre and when she left Sunday 12th May, 3.00 - 6.00 p.m. Staff, Public and Varsity URREY Suney also won their previous in 1994, presented the SNETBALL TEAM Tennis Club entries; match against Legal Eagles 62 Department with a lovely PLAYED THEIR - 34. Unfortunately, the article tennis trophy. After The Finals will be held on final match of the season was not printed - for some rea- Wednesday I5th may from in the Guildford Netball son or another (Ed. Board - much discussion it has 6.30 p.m. league last Saturday. In a it's in this weeks!). been decided to hold an annual Tennis We want this to be a fun tour- gruelling match against At the end of a successful sea- nament - you don't have to be Bishop's, Surrey just son Surrey have won eight of Toumament during May brilliant to play! - and involve managed to maintain the their twelve matches. Hope- each year to encompass as many students and staff as lead until half-time. After fully, we will have finished as both the students, staff possible. Don't be shy, find a that, Bishop's gradually runner's up in the league. and Varsity Tennis Club partner and enter for the ap- TTianks to everyone for drag- propriate category. Entry began to lose ground and ging themselves out of bed members. forms available firom the Cam- before long Surrey had every week to play, and espe- The Toumament will take the pusport Centre which must be the game under control. cially to "the chauffeurs" Jo, form of mixed doubles completed and returned by It was a fine game against one Jane and Sharon. matches (only one player may Sunday 5th May. Student Fee: be of Club player level) and if of the best teams in the league, £1.50 orfl.OO with DOSH. Rachael Heppenstall numbers permit it will be run and due to an excellent team on a round robin basis, other- performance Surrey claimed wise it will be played in groups or a knockout compétition. 16 Sport Surrey IXI 0, Giantkillers Crystal Palace Surrey Vths 1, Ladies 9 Bournemouth ELL WE 'Don't panic* reassured cap- ALWAYS tain Lisa ' we always play a Illrds 0 better second half - so after WKNEW THIS half lime we trouped on to the deny Bournemouth's striker was going to be difficult pitch with some reassurance when clean through. Surrey - a team at the top of their that maybe we could score a URREY peppered the goal ft-om long league and they goal(?!) This wish didn't ma- S range but Bournemouth's PROGRESSED terialise as in went 4 more TO THE keeper was equal to every- possessed football skills. goals for them. However, thing. One slick Surrey move We predicted a slightly QUARTER-FINALS well done to our back four - by claiming yet another ended with Conrad striking higher score so really we who (despite the nine goals) the ball powerfully towards did a good job in stopping 3rd-team scalp at fortress didn't so too badly!! Varsity. In the last six the top-comer, a scenario that However, Crystal Palace what could have been another has lead to many a goal this 10. competitive home games season, but Bournemouth's Ladies were good - they Surrey have scored 23 keeper not only saved the' knew what they were The next round would have and conceded just 4 and shot, he somehow caught the doing. been against Crystal Palace's remain unbeaten (Statto! ball! superiors (their over 21 team) As soon as the match started Statto!). Provided we With ten minutes lo go, extra we realised that coach Neil so perhaps being beaten (al- play all the games we though predictable) was a time and penalties were had been lying, we were not ever play at home, we looming and Surrey bought the same standard. Although good thing - it saved another could even be quite good. humiliating experience. on a pineapple head himself their average age was about Wednesday's game was and we immediately looked 17 they outshone us. We lost Alison duller than dull in terms of more threatening (if that is not count of when the goals went goal-efforts as we encoun- a contradiction). Forrest's run in - but we knew that at half tered certainly the best team across the penalty area drew time the score stood at 5 - 0. we have played this season. several defenders and the For all Surrey's possession eventual tackle pushed the we couldn't break down their ball to Ben Smith's weaker defence and their lively right foot twenty yards from Surrey Success! goal. He took aim, shot, and strike-force looked danger- the whole of the country went ATURDAY 9TH France and Rachael ous on the break. Ben Hales silent as the ball dipped and Heppenstall were was outstanding at the heart swerved towards the top cor- MARCH of Surrey's defence and Mar- PRODUCED YET equally as successful in ner... and in off the angle of S tyn Balinbra amazed all con- bar and post. The "crowd" another win for the defence, and the midfield cerned with some very went wild and Ben was Surrey Netball team in was dominated by Jane well-timed tackles. Usually mugged. Bournemouth heads . the Guildford Netball Bemsford, Jo Lancaster he just kicks people. The only went down, their shoulders \ League. In the and Julie Owen. Well goal-efforts in the first half dropped. They were beaten were from half-chances at and they knew it. penultimate match of the played everyone, and lets The quarter-final draw sees us season Surrey thrashed hope we do as well in our best. When Ben Hales robbed Bournemouth's centre for- at home lo South Bank, an- Legal Eagles 62-34 due final game next week! ward before shooting from other chance to show tfiese to some brilliant fully 40 yards, the rebound POLY lads how to play the Rachael Heppenstall beautiful game. shooting by Amo and almost feU for predator Con- Jenny Ball. Wendy rad Fry. At the other end, James Vernon made his cus- FISH tomary outstanding save to ^ Audio Visual Services are pleased to be associated wii/i and be printing for The University of Surrey Students' Union „ "Bare Facts" 4 warm ivelcome is extended to ali ^¡aiversity Staff & Students to fulfìl your require^e r ^ Printing & Photocopying/Graphic Design, PHotography, Teievision & Audio, Projection Services. linivei^y of Surrey. Gilildford. Surrey. GU2 5XH, (01483) 2593'J^f^iOI483)259390 ^^ j-