A Jukebox for the Algonquin
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A Jukebox for the Algonquin by Paul Stroili © 2019 by Paul Stroili [email protected] Agent: Lynne Hamilton-Wray [email protected] 312.787.4700 Shirley Hamilton, Inc. 333 E. Ontario St, - Suite #302B Chicago, IL 60611 CHARACTERS Dennis: Male, 70 to 75+, Caucasian or Asian Johnny: Male, 70 to 75+, African American Annie: Female, 65+, Caucasian, of Irish descent Peg (also portrays Mrs. McDarren): Female, mid to late 50’s, any race Chuck: Male, mid to late 50’s, any race Josefina*: Female, late 30’s to 50’s, Hispanic (*pronounced ho-seh-fee-na) Tyler: Male, 20’s, any race TIME The summer of 2003. PLACE The Algonquin Room, a community recreation room at the Placid Pines Senior Care Center in upstate New York. A NOTE REGARDING MUSIC: Good music, and the importance of it in our lives – is at the core of this story. Indeed, the aBsence of it – until the final scene - is essential to the world of the play. If you elect to use music for scene changes or transitions, please refrain from using good music – it should be industrial, crappy “Muzak” at best, or even simply announcements one would hear over the public address system in a senior-living facility. ACT ONE SCENE 1 (Lights up on The Algonquin Room, a recreational and/or community room at Placid Pines, a Senior Care Center in the Adirondack region of upstate New York. Slightly worn furniture, chairs and side tables, a magazine rack, plants, etc. There is a card table upstage with a CD player with a stack of about a dozen CDs, and a small bookshelf with about thirty books. Also on the card table is a large glass jar, nearly empty but with a few bills inside and the word “donations” taped to it along with construction paper cut-outs of musical notes. There is a central wall at the back with archways on each side, both extra wide to easily accommodate a wheelchair and someone walking alongside one. The Stage Right archway leads further into the interior of the facility, the Stage Left archway leads to the main entrance and the outdoors. A television, a fish tank (and later a jukebox) are referred to, down center, but never seen by the audience. MRS. MCDARREN, a well-dressed woman in sunglasses, enters. She is completing a cell phone conversation, and also carries a small digital camera. ANNIE enters shortly after her, carrying a clipboard. ANNIE wears eyeglasses due to extremely poor eyesight.) MRS. MCDARREN (into her phone) – So far, it looks nice, Bob - I think Mom will like it. I’ll take some more pictures and show you tonight. OK, call me back. (She continues taking photos.) ANNIE --and as I said, this is the Algonquin Room-- but no round tables! I’m sorry, I can never resist that joke. Given our location, all of our multi-use rooms are named for places here in the Adirondacks – Algonquin Peak, Keene Valley-- MRS. MCDARREN Yes, I saw the Tupper Lake Dining Room as we came in. A Jukebox for the Algonquin - Page 1 ANNIE It’s funny, our residents might be up there in years but the cliques here are worse than high school. MRS. MCDARREN Oh, I’m sure. ANNIE There’s a quilting group that stakes out a whole corner of the dining room. You can’t get a seat near the good TV during the playoffs… MRS. MCDARREN I bet. ANNIE …and that alcove we passed coming in? That’s where all of the Jews sit. (Long Pause) MRS. MCDARREN I’m sorry… what? ANNIE Well, during the playoffs… MRS. MCDARREN No, the uh… Jews? ANNIE Oh yeah, “Hebrew Holler” we call it - They don’t want anything to do with anyone else. MRS. MCDARREN Are you… serious? ANNIE (air quotes) “Chosen” people and all that malarkey. You’d think with all the money they have, they’d be more pleasant. MRS. MCDARREN That’s the most anti-Semitic thing I’ve ever… (JOSEFINA enters.) JOSEFINA I am so sorry, Mrs. McDarren, I was detained… MRS. MCDARREN Who are you? A Jukebox for the Algonquin - Page 2 JOSEFINA Josefina Alvarez, we spoke on the phone. I’m running your tour today. MRS. MCDARREN Then who is- JOSEFINA This is Annie. ANNIE Annie Murphy. MRS. MCDARREN Ms. Alvarez, one of your staff members here… ANNIE Oh, I’m not on the staff. I live here. JOSEFINA …and she’s a real comedian this one! ANNIE I’m not a comedian. This is serious social research. (Referring to clipboard) She got pissed, so she passed, but barely. JOSEFINA I’m very sorry, Mrs. McDarren – let’s grab some coffee and I’ll continue your tour. (MRS. MCDARREN leaves in a huff, with JOSEFINA in pursuit.) JOSEFINA Annie… you can’t… ANNIE I will always protect my people. JOSEFINA You’re not Jewish, Annie. (JOSEFINA leaves, followed by ANNIE) ANNIE I’m a champion for many causes! (As they leave through one archway, DENNIS and JOHNNY enter through the other, DENNIS is in a wheelchair and somewhat stylishly dressed. A Jukebox for the Algonquin - Page 3 JOHNNY carries a puzzle book, and wears an old, battered New York Yankees hat, a constant for him. He also uses a cane. JOHNNY heads straight for the donation jar, as DENNIS unfolds his newspaper.) DENNIS A watched pot, my friend. JOHNNY Got a good feeling about this. I had a dream last night I was dancing with Lena Horne. DENNIS I have that same dream. Except in mine it’s Montgomery Clift. And we’re not dancing. JOHNNY (dumping the jar and counting the money) 18, 19… damn. DENNIS Well? JOHNNY Twenty-three fifty. DENNIS Where were we at yesterday? JOHNNY Twenty-five. (pulls out a post-it) Annie left an IOU for a Snickers. DENNIS Slow going, my friend. How much you have up in your room? JOHNNY Three hundred eighty dollars. DENNIS And how much of that is your own money? JOHNNY None of your damn business. DENNIS Johnny, I hate to restate the obvious, but I don’t think the donation jar is cutting it. We’re all fixed income here. And anyone who has anything left will usually blow it at bingo. JOHNNY We don’t play for money. DENNIS Not down here. But Jack Paparoan has got a game going in his room, it’s like Atlantic City A Jukebox for the Algonquin - Page 4 up there. JOHNNY Remind me. Who’s Paparoan again? DENNIS He’s got that walker with the tennis balls stuck on the bottom? JOHNNY Like THAT narrows it down. You ever seen a walker without tennis balls on the bottom? DENNIS No, come to think of it. I thought they came that way. JOHNNY Seriously, what the hell? How long they been making walkers, and in all that time, not one person has come up with one that didn’t need goddamn tennis balls stuck on the bottom? DENNIS You need a hobby. JOHNNY (Holding up the donation jar) I’m working on it. (ANNIE returns.) Hey, you – ANNIE I know, I know – I owe you a Snickers. DENNIS A tour this morning? ANNIE There was. DENNIS So, who was today’s contestant? (ANNIE consults her clipboard) ANNIE Kathleen McDarren, from Saranac Lake. Her husband is deputy mayor there, which she mentioned twice in fifteen minutes. Checking out the place for her mother-in-law, Charlotte. DENNIS How did she do? ANNIE Scored a seventy. So passing, but not with flying colors. Not an anti-Semite, so she made up A Jukebox for the Algonquin - Page 5 a few points there, but she did not score well with Asians or Hispanics. (Flipping to next page on form) First, no reaction when I said our garden was designed by “Orientals.” DENNIS Ouch. ANNIE Then, she remarked that our kitchen was, quote: “Probably full of illegals” – unquote. DENNIS Our kitchen is full of illegals. ANNIE That’s not the point. JOHNNY …and they run circles around that old team of lunch ladies we used to have. What’s that thing they do, it’s like this taco shell with the sauce and the breaded fish… DENNIS The fish taco? JOHNNY That’s it – with the fresh cabbage and the lime? I tell ya, if my wife could’ve cooked like that I wouldn’t have killed her. ANNIE Oh, I hate that joke, Johnny. You didn’t kill Rosie. JOHNNY Sure, I did. It just took me forty-eight years. Damn, now I want a fish taco. Did I ever tell you about the food at Waterview? One of the reasons I busted out. DENNIS Oh, no. ANNIE The great “Waterview” breakout. JOHNNY AND DENNIS (TOGETHER) They lied! JOHNNY Yes, Denny - they lied. They called the place Waterview. Pictures of lakes and babbling brooks all over the brochure. Then you get there, and your room looks out on some lame ass fountain stuck between an Olive Garden and a Petco. A Jukebox for the Algonquin - Page 6 ANNIE I love The Olive Garden. DENNIS Didn’t the Petco used to send those therapy dogs over? JOHNNY Yeah, they did. And who the hell started that shit, anyway? That’s a cure for boredom? Dogs? DENNIS What do you want, Johnny? Hookers and coke? JOHNNY Couple of guys, a deck of cards, and we play Texas Hold ‘em for a few hours. Do they send that? No. What do we get? Two Cocker Spaniels and a three-legged Yorkie dressed like Santa.