Winter/Spring 2013 CONTENTS 1 Take Back Your Kids excellence 5 The Power of a Positive Attitude and a Garbage-Free Mind 7 Family Meetings: Solving Conflicts, Teaching Fairness 8 Conversation Starters: & ethics Promoting Family Communication The Smart & Good Schools Education Letter Take Back Your Kids: How to Teach and Get Respect

by William J. Doherty, Ph.D. e are facing an “bitch” at home. Rather epidemic of insecure than exercising legitimate parenting. We may authority, his mother W responds by feeling sorry now have the most child- that her son is so distraught. sensitive generation of parents (An appropriate exercise the world has ever known—and of parental authority: “You may not speak to me like that the most confused and insecure. EVER, not even when you are Thinkstock This generation has determined angry. Go to your room and come back Children should not only receive from when you have a letter of apology.”) not to repeat the mistakes of adults but also actively contribute to the its own parents, who expected Another example: Our local newspaper world around them, help care for the unquestioning obedience. But has been running a series on alcohol and younger and the infirm, add their own in rejecting outmoded models teens. Kids in earlier generations drank marks to the quality of family life, and alcohol, often to excess. The difference contribute to the common good in their of authority, parents are now now, as documented in the newspaper school and communities. If children skittish about exercising any articles, is that parents supply the keg live only as consumers of parental authority at all. of beer, the house or hotel room, and the and community services, then they funds to enjoy a Mexican frolic of booze are not active citizens of families and Children raised with insecure and sex during spring break. Most parents communities. who were interviewed were reluctant to parents grow up too soon, become f we see ourselves only as providers let their children go on a Mexican spring of services to our children, we end up preoccupied with consumer goods break this year, but were unable to say I confused about our authority, anxious and peer acceptance, and focus “no,” particularly when most of the other about displeasing our children, insecure their lives on frenetic activity kids announced they were going. about whether we are providing enough outside the home. They know that The Consumer Culture of Childhood opportunities, and worried that we are their parents love them deeply and not keeping up with the output of other want to communicate sensitively n the new culture of childhood, parents. In a market economy, the service with them, but they also know that Ichildren are viewed as consumers provider must offer what is newest their parents are unsure about what of parental services, and parents are and best, and at all costs, must avoid viewed as providers of parental services to require of them and how to say disappointing the customer. and brokers of community services for “no” to them. children. What gets lost is the other side When applied to the family, this is a of the human equation: children bearing recipe for insecure parents and entitled A family now in therapy has a 10-year- responsibilities to their families and kids. (One 17-year-old said to his parents, old boy, who is an angel in school, but communities. “Why should I mow the lawn? It’s not my who has started to call his mother a lawn.”) excellence & ethics winter/spring 2013 1 The Therapeutic Culture of Parenting How to Teach Teens Respect e also live in the era of therapeutic e can restore parents’ con- fidence Wparenting. The parent becomes Win their authority without returning a junior therapist, and the child is seen to authoritarian parenting. There is a as requiring special treatment that only middle way between being dictatorial a professional—or a trained parent— and insensitive on the one hand, and can provide. Starting back in the 1970s cajoling and debating with children on with Parent Effectiveness Training, a then the other hand. popular book by Thomas Gordon, parents A personal example: When my son Eric have been taught to act like therapists was 13, we had a brief but memorable with their children. encounter in the kitchen. I was on the A therapist is supposed to be telephone with a friend in the early consistently attentive, low key, accepting, evening. Unbeknownst to me, Eric non-directive, and non-judgmental. When wanted to make a phone call to one of his the child acts up in a therapy session, friends. When I hung up the phone, Eric say, by speaking disrespectfully to the said to me, in an irritated, peremptory therapist, the therapist’s job is to explore tone of voice, “Who was that?” the underlying reasons rather than focus iStockphoto on the child’s immediate behavior. In How do you think I should have the moment is not Eric’s phone use but addition to distorting parents’ reactions responded? Consider several possible his disrespectful question. To simply to their children’s misconduct, the assert parental authority over his phone therapeutic culture of parenting suggests use would make him resentful and would that children’s psyches are fragile, easily Parents need to not teach him about this disrespectful broken by a parent who says the wrong assert their right action or forestall his next. thing. to respect. I’ve made my share of mistakes as The reality, according to loads of a parent, but somewhere I learned to research, is that, if underlying parental have an instant awareness when one of care and attachment are present, responses I could have made, and then my children is talking disrespectfully to most children are resilient in the face I’ll tell you what I actually said. me—and to make that the point of my of ordinary mistakes in parenting. If Response 1 (delivered in a mildly defensive response. So here’s what I said, making children can handle most of our non- tone): “I was on the phone with Mac. eye contact and speaking firmly: abusive mistakes, they can certainly I didn’t know you wanted to use the handle our strong responses to them You don’t get to ask me that question, phone.” when these responses are fully called for. and particularly in that tone of voice. Children mostly know when they are off The problem with this response is that it The discussion was over. Eric absorbed base, and feel safer when their parents accepts the child’s right to grill the parent my comment and then went to the other step in assertively. about adult activities. The key is not the question itself, but the disrespectful room to make his phone call. I did not We know from research and demand. name the person I was on the phone observation that parents have a strong with. I did not defend myself. I did not influence on their teenagers’ behavior. counterattack. I did not make Eric defend Response 2 (delivered with a mild Teenagers whose parents talk to them his question. I did not punish him. reprimand): “I didn’t know you were regularly about avoiding drugs are much waiting to use the phone. You should let What I did was to directly defend and less likely to use drugs. Teenagers whose me know. How am I supposed to know?” parents give them both nurturing and assert my right to respect as a parent. And firm limits are less likely to be involved I did not feel angry at him during the rest This might be an appropriate response of the evening. During the subsequent in sexual activity. They are also more to a spouse or another adult peer who likely to study hard. years ahead we had the normal parent- has equal rights to the telephone and is adolescent hassles, but he never spoke therefore free to express annoyance if you disrespectfully to me again. Excellence & Ethics is published by the are clogging its use. Said to Eric, however, Center for the 4th and 5th Rs with support it would have accepted his implied claim If I had taken a different path that from Sanford N. McDonnell Foundation. evening, one that would lead to similar of peer status, like a sibling he competes encounters in the future, my son’s Editors: Tom Lickona & Marthe Seales with for use of the shower or TV. adolescence and our family life might E-mail: [email protected] Response 3 (delivered with a stern have been much different. SUNY Cortland reprimand): “Who do you want to call School of Education Teaching Respect to Young Children P.O. Box 2000 anyway? You are on the phone far Cortland, NY 13045 too much. You should be doing your our-year-old Jason developed the (607) 753-2455 homework.” Fannoying habit of demanding his Subscribe free to excellence & ethics: food. At dinner, he would shout, “Pour www.cortland.edu/character. This counterattack appears strong but me milk!” or “Give me more French misses the main point: The problem of fries!” 2 excellence & ethics winter/spring 2013 It’s not as if Jason had an impulse The boy stood and waited control disorder. He was a model of for her to arrive. Leaning over How to Expect and Get Respect appropriate behavior in preschool where the fence, she put out her arm the standards for politeness were clear and said: and consistently enforced. 1. Jeffrey, come. Please get How did Jason’s parents respond to his out of there. Those are demanding behavior? Often they tried flowers you are standing in, to shut him up by immediately fetching and you are too near the 2. what he demanded. Other times they tracks. got irritated with him and told him to Motionless and defiant, ask nicely—but they still fetched his the boy just looked at her. food without making him ask politely. “Here, take my hand,” she Psychologists describe this as reinforcing pleaded. Still no movement. 3. the child’s behavior. It was clear that the child Parents whose children treat them was enjoying this moment of disrespectfully will eventually start to stubborn victory. fear and resent their children. Parents As my wife and I continued will start withdrawing emotionally, our walk, I looked back for a 4. or become punitive. They will have while to see if there was any explosions of anger they feel bad about progress. The mother was later. Or they will become sarcastic and leaning as far as she could passive-aggressive. over the fence and begging How did Jason’s parents turn around her son to take her hand, his behavior at meals? They firmly while he stared at her. challenged him every time he asked for Scenes such as this one something rudely and waited for him to point out the danger of politely restate his request before giving anger-free parenting. Trying 5. him the item. If he refused to ask politely, to remain cool and rational they withheld the food item and went in a situation of defiance and about finishing the meal. Jason eventually danger makes parents look 6. learned the meaning of “polite,” and the foolish. incidence of demanding behavior at the table declined drastically. Problematic Advice From the “Experts” Why Anger-Free Parenting Doesn’t Work 7. o parenting expert o many parents, anger is one short would have supported step away from verbal and physical N T the mother’s pitiful pleading abuse of children. But anger is a normal approach to this problem, but human emotion that signals “something’s how would experts suggest right now got to change here— .” Without she respond? anger, parents are wishy-washy in the face of their children’s willfulness. Fear Thomas Gordon’s Parent of showing anger to our children is at the Effectiveness Training would heart of the impotence problem among tell the mother to calmly many contemporary parents. deliver an “I message” such as, “I get very scared when Occasional parental anger I see you standing there 8. because it’s dangerous.” is necessary. The assumption is that your child will spontaneously 9. Recently I observed the following decide to cooperate if you scenario: A boy (about 4) and his mother express your true feelings. were walking on the beach. The boy ran ahead. He went under a fence and into But what if your child, like a flower garden that was about 6 feet the boy behind the fence, is from a 30-foot drop to the railroad tracks enjoying seeing you afraid below. in demonstrating your lack of control over him? Sharing 10. As she approached her son, I heard the your vulnerable feelings is mother say to him in a very mild tone, not going to get the job done “Sweetie, I don’t think it’s a good idea for in that case. you to be back there.” excellence & ethics winter/spring 2013 3 Parenting Resources If he did not instantly move towards The Consequences Approach Click on BOLD text for HOT LINKS me, I would climb the fence and retrieve nother major school of parenting him physically. Then I would get down 20 Gifts of Life: Bringing Out the Best in Aadvice from the 1970s (written about face to face with him, and say: Our Kids, Grandkids, & Others we Care extensively by Haim Ginott) would About by Hal Urban recommend a “consequences” approach. I am FURIOUS with you. First, you The Biggest Job We’ll Ever Have: Character- You would give your son a choice: If he went under a fence and into the flowers—and you know better. Second, Based Education & Parenting by Laura and continues to stand there, he is choosing to Malcolm Gauld accept a negative consequence you have you were near the railroad tracks—and promised. You could tell him that there you know better. And third, you did Boys Should Be Boys: 7 Secrets to Raising Healthy Sons by Meg Meeker, M.D. will be no more walks this week unless not come back when I told you to. You are in big trouble with me. he cooperates. Character Building: A Guide for Parents & I would take him home, with no further Teachers by David Isaacs Laying out consequences and waiting discussion. Character Matters by Thomas Lickona for the child to make a choice is a normal technique for effective parenting. When Later in the day, I would talk calmly Compass: A Handbook on Parent by James Stenson your teenager won’t do the dishes in a with him about what happened on that Leadership timely fashion, it’s generally better to walk, and what level of cooperation I The Difficult Child by Stanley Turecki & connect the chore with a consequence— wanted on walks in the future. I would Leslie Tonner say, no watching TV or talking on the expect him to agree to cooperate better in Endangered: Your Child in a Hostile World phone that evening—and let the child the future. by Johann Christoph Arnold choose to cooperate. Continued non- The Family Virtues Guide by Linda K. Popov cooperation means escalating con- There are psychological levels deeper sequences, until almost all kids will than what I have described, levels that Help Me Be Good (series) by Joy Berry decide it’s less hassle to do the dishes. could be explored after the original How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So power assertion is successful. Perhaps the Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish A limitation of the consequences child’s behavior, if it’s unusual for him, The Intentional Family by William Doherty approach to discipline, however, is reflects the stress of a recent family move. that it is not powerful and immediate Perhaps he is angry at his mother about MegaSkills: Building Our Children’s enough for some situations. The defiant something. Perhaps he is testing his newly Character and Achievement for School little boy in the flower bed required a found 4-year-old independence. On the and Life by Dorothy Rich stronger response than the mother laying other hand, if the behavior is chronic, Negotiation Generation: Take Back Your out the consequences for his continuing then it also suggests a misalignment of Parental Authority Without Punishment to stand there. In moments of willful authority between parent and child. by Lynne Reeves Griffin confrontation, some children don’t care No More Misbehavin’: 38 Difficult Behaviors But whatever the deeper meaning about future consequences—they want and How to Stop Them by Michele Borba things their way right now, thank you. of the boy’s risky, defiant behavior, the parent must deal with the immediate Parenting for Character: Equipping Your In these situations, discussing future Child for Life by Andrew Mullins consequences rather than rising to the situation. If a child is stealing because of Parenting for Character: Five Experts, Five occasion comes across as weak. a troubled childhood, we must first stop the stealing; then we can talk about the Practices David Streight, Editor What most of the rational, anger-free underlying problem. Parenting for Good by Marvin Berkowitz parenting advice misses is the importance Parents, Kid, & Character by Helen LeGette of occasional angry power assertions he new parenting problem is “anger by a parent. I say “occasional” because Tphobia.” We end up with bland The Parents We Mean to Be by Richard research has clearly pointed out that parents who refuse to ever show anger Weissbourd rigid, authoritarian parenting (“I’m the to their children. They consequently Raising Good Children by Thomas Lickona lack authority and allow their children boss; be quiet and do what you’re told”) Raising Respectful Children in a to walk over them. In my experience as that doesn’t explain the reasons for a Disrespectful World by Jill Rigby directive or allow kids to express a point a therapist, however, I have found that such parents can take back their kids if Sex, Love, & You (for teens) by Tom & Judy of view, is counter-productive because it Lickona and William Boudreau, M.D. tends to breed anxiety and rebellion. they have a mind to.  Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters by Meg Appropriate Power Assertion Adapted from William Doherty’s Take Back Meeker, M.D. Your Kids. Dr. Doherty is a family therapist hat do I mean by appropriately You’re Teaching My Child What? A Physician and professor, Department of Family Med- Exposes the Lies of Sex Ed and How They Harm angry power assertion? In the W icine and Community Health at the Uni- Your Child by Miriam Grossman, M.D. case of the mother and her defiant boy, versity of Minnesota. He is the author or editor The 6 Most Important Decisions You’ll Ever I would call him by name and say in a of 14 books, including The Intentional Family, Make (for teens) by Sean Covey strong, loud voice: “Jeffrey, get out Take Back Your Marriage, of there right now!” I would be and Putting The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families moving towards him as I said these words. Family First. by Stephen Covey If he did not immediately move back See www. l www.cortland.edu/character towards the fence, I would shout “Come drbilldoherty. l www.MicheleBorba.com here!” as I arrived at the fence. com. (Click on l Parenting Tips book titles for hot links.) 4 excellence & ethics winter/spring 2013