Barefacts-Issue1079-180304-The-End!

Thursday 18 March 2004 Published by the USSU Communications Office issue number 1079

barefTHE UNIVERSITYaa OF SURREYcts STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER

IN THIS WEEK ’ S PAPER DATE RAPE DRUGS SUPPORT & REPRESENT A Surrey student recounts Vice President Education & BF INTRODUCES... | PC Jon Carver, Park her experience of drink Welfare Claire Iles brings you Barn’s local bobby on the beat | page 5 spiking, and shows how 2 pages on just what the Welfare COMMUNICATE | barefacts brings you the new 1350AM GU2 schedule | page 9 you can stop yourself and Representation Unit at USSU ENTRA TERRESTRIAL | 19 top films on TV in becoming a victim too. can do for you right now. the coming week | page 19 Mind your Drink | page 8 Union | page 10 Students Show Anger at NUS

BY CHRIS WARD & SARAH BUTTERWORTH current situation and other services on offer EDITOR & EDITOR IN CHIEF from the NUS by passing a motion at their recent Union Council to disaffiliate from STUDENTS’ UNIONS FROM around the country the organisation. Exeter University are also have been angered by the NUS’ decision considering removing their affiliation with to support the Association of University NUS. Teachers in the recent lecturer strike action. With around 40% of academic staff at Students are infuriated that an agreement Surrey being members of the AUT, Students was signed by NUS in support of the strikes, are also already feeling the effect of these despite the fact that many students have strikes. Many final years have already been heavily affected by the action. Many started showing their displeasure at the lack are worried that they will not graduate this of coursework being returned, something year, as following a ballot of members, the which is already having an impact on the AUT has decided that member lecturers studies of many students. Questions are should carry out a ‘working to rule’ until being asked as to whether students can the UCEA (The Universities and Colleges really expect their graduation ceremonies, Employers Association) come back to the which are planned to take place on June negotiating table. In layman’s terms, this 17th and 18th, to take place. has meant that many lecturers have stopped At a recent meeting of the Union Executive marking coursework submitted by students, the topic of NUS affiliation was discussed Drug Theft from Hospital with a substantial backlock already building at length. USSU Currently spends £30,000 up over the past three weeks of action. a year on being a member of the National BY CLAIRE ILES in our own Students’ Union on Friday night The blind agreement of support from Union of Students’. One of the benefits of only serves to underline the importance of NUS has forced many students to consider NUS membership commonly mentioned A SERIOUS THEFT from the Royal Surrey ensuring that you keep your drink with you whether or not NUS actually is in touch is the training offered to Sabbatical and County Hospital on Wednesday 10th March at all times. Even with the building being with the people they represent, some to Executive Officers, principally over the has provoked a public warning. The items draped with 250 balloons and numerous the extent that their Unions are considering Summer. However, a lesser known fact is targeted in the theft were a selection of five posters warning of the dangers of spiking, disaffiliating from the National Union of that each 3 or 4 day training course costs different types of drugs, including opiates, five student volunteers still managed to place Students. in excess of £300 per person, on top of the which have in the past been used to spike a sticker on over 600 unattended drinks, Students from University College London affiliation fee. people’s drinks. with very few reports of students noticing have been told that the marking of their The Executive are currently looking into The Police were informed about the theft these actions. Hopefully the ease at which French and Italian coursework will be the benefits currently offered by NUS, as immediately and warned that if the drugs large numbers of students were targeted and delayed this year, and that they will not well as all the services we currently receive. were not taken under medical supervision, the local warning will only emphasise the be given exam classifications in time for In 2003 students at Surrey voted with a 90% they could be extremely dangerous. They dangers of drink spiking to Surrey students. graduation in June. The Education and majority to remain a member organisation also stated that “There is concern that the One student who worked with USSU to Welfare sabbatical at UCL, Alex Coles, of the NUS, but when questioned, the drugs could be used to spike drinks and coordinate the campaign said “Overall I stated that “the NUS, because they don’t 10% discount at shops such as Top Man everyone drinking in pubs and clubs is think the campaign went extremely well, have their own students and don’t have and HMV was cited as the main reason for reminded to be aware of such dangers and to and we hope that we were able to prevent to deal with individuals, have neglected voting in support. However, Unions such as keep an eye on their drinks at all times.” at least one person from falling prey to this this issue. If they don’t reconsider we will Southampton who have already disaffiliated However, it is not just in public bars that new danger which is increasingly prevalent consider our affiliated status to them.” have had little problem in negotiating similar you have to be aware of drink spiking, a in our society. We also hope that it has raised Similarly, Bristol University have registered or better deals with shops in the locality of recent study in Australia found that although awareness amongst ‘spikers’ that steps their annoyance at the NUS’ decision. The the University 70 per cent of drink spiking related reports are being taken against them.” The latter President of their Union told the press: “We The future of USSU’s affiliation to the were in nightclubs, bars, pubs, the other comment is reinforced by the University will support AUT’s goals, but not their National Union of Students could feasibly 30 per cent were in private areas, either at who have stated that if any student is caught actions. The dispute is not just continuing, be brought into question at the next Union private functions or inside residences,” spiking an individual’s drink they will be it’s hotting up”. However, Bristol Union Council, where every student can have their The recent awareness-raising event held ask to leave the University. has already shown its unhappiness at the say on this contentious topic. Letters | page 3 RAG Week | page 6 Ents | centre Sports | page 27 2 NEWS 18 March 2004

EDITORIAL TEAM 2003-4 Costly Vandalism at USSU Editor in Chief Sarah Butterworth Union budgets suffer after repeated vandalism in the Students’ Union building comms forces constant repairs to be carried out. @ussu.co.uk BY SARAH BUTTERWORTH The Union also owns a fl eet of minibuses, Editor EDITOR IN CHIEF which are used regularly by societies and Chris Ward sports clubs travelling to carry out their cs21cw ON THURSDAY LAST week the men’s toilet in activities. However, these buses are regularly @surrey.ac.uk Chancellor’s Restaurant suffered the latest discovered with signifi cant amounts of in a spate of vandalism incidents in the damage to them which has not been reported Deputy Editor Students’ Union building. This is the second at the time of damage. This year the cost of Neil Christie time in the last six weeks that the Union has minibus repairs has run into thousands of ms33nc been a victim of this mindless vandalism, pounds, and also has the effect of increasing @surrey.ac.uk with the same toilets being smashed up the Union’s insurance premium. during February, calling for a lengthy Other items of Union equipment, such as Deputy Editor closure period. The repairs to the toilets the Oscar Film Unit’s video camera, have Ben Berryman the channie’s toilets, minus the vandailsed basin have set the Union back over £1000, leaving also been discovered with costly amounts of photo: chris hunter ma91bb a signifi cant dent in the budgets for this damage done to them. @surrey.ac.uk year. In addition, the poster display boxes Bob Anderson, the General Manager of the located in the toilets have been repeatedly Students’ Union has urged students to think Music Editor vandalised over the past few months. twice before committing acts of vandalism, Chambers Matt Badcock Each bit of money that is spent repairing or which often take place when students are ms01mb replacing items of Union property damaged under the effect of alcohol. “What may @surrey.ac.uk by vandals is money that is taken away from seem like a bit of fun at the time can cost societies, clubs or amenities, or even money the Union signifi cant amounts of money Steps Down that could go towards stopping the rise in to fi x, taking money away from you, the Music Editor IT HAS BEEN announced in a press release from Jon Allen drinks prices. students.” Michael Chambers that he will be standing bs21ja down as Chairman of the Conservative @surrey.ac.uk Society and will not be running for re- election at the next AGM. The press release Film Editor detailed that Michael has decided it is time Neil Boulton Minister Visits UniS to “move on”, and that he wishes to put more time and resources into both academic cs21nb BY MICHAEL CHAMBERS claim that the introduction of top-up fees progress and his fashion design business. @surrey.ac.uk is actually costing more money than the However, fans of Mr Chambers need not THE SHADOW MINISTER for Higher Education amount due to be made by the fees. He be disappointed, as he will be presenting Chris Grayling joined Anne Milton, said “it’s costing the government £15bn to Theatre Editor an evening in Roots every Tuesday entitled Daisy Clay prospective Tory MP for Guildford in set up a scheme that generates £7bn over “Coffee with Michael Chambers”. The condemning the government’s policy to the fi rst three years! Their whole system is ps21dc evening will include a guest speaker, likely @surrey.ac.uk introduce University top-up fees at a recent fundamentally fl awed”. Anne Milton, who to be a senior politician. Mike states in the visit to Surrey University. In an exclusive has campaigned against fees here at Surrey press release that he hopes to “attract a good interview for barefacts, Mr Grayling University on a number of occasions before, number of people to take part”. The fi rst of Literature Editor said “The Conservatives will campaign announced a new campaign in association Jennifer Walker these evenings is at 7:30pm on 24th April. with Surrey students against this unfair with the Conservative Society to promote ph21jw @surrey.ac.uk tax on learning”. He confi rmed the party the Conservative policy on fees. She said would fi ght the next General Election on “I want all students to be aware of our fi ght a platform of scrapping all tuition fees for on fees. They can then make an informed News Editor Higher Education. The funding for which choice at the next election.”. She added Philip Howard would come from the huge savings that “The Lib Dems also share our views on ph02ph would be made by the abolition of Labour’s top-up fees, but are not capable of winning @surrey.ac.uk arbitrary university admissions target, and a parliamentary majority anytime soon”. by axing the proposed Access Regulator Anne’s campaign is expected to start in Sports Editor for universities. Mr Grayling went on to Week 10. Peter Nichols cs11pn barefacts is an editorially independent newspaper and is published by the University @surrey.ac.uk of Surrey Students’ Union Communications Office. AGMs & notices CONTRIBUTORS The views expressed within the paper are those of individual authors and do not Orthodox Society | Saturday 20th March | 12:30 | Lady Chapel necessarily represent the views of the Editor, the University of Surrey Students’ (Guildford Cathedral) Matt Adams Catherine Lee Union or the University of Surrey. This publication may not be reproduced in whole Iranian Society | 16th March | 6pm | LTJ Sarah Bath Carol Main or in part, stored in any form, copied or distributed, without the express permission European Society | 18th March | 6pm | Committee Room Dave Chapman Dina Mystris of the publisher beforehand. Corin Douieb Loiuse O’Neill No Wave Society | 18th March | 6pm | Upstairs Balcony of Union Tim Edwards Cori Poweley All submissions must include the author’s name and Union or Staff Number. Economics Society | 19th March | 10am | Committee Room Matt Fisher Chloe Reader Submission is no guarantee of publication West Country Society | 19th March | 6pm | Committee Room Chris Hunter Ray Sadri MaDSoc (Music & Drama Soc) | 22nd March | 6pm | Committee Room Claire Iles Eduard Scott Articles submitted Anonymously and Pseudonymously will not be published. Chemsoc (Chemistry Society)| 23rd March | 1pm | Committee Room Alistair Kerr Sandeep Sohal Zoe Kilb Peter Wigfield barefacts reserves the right to edit submissions. Conservative Society | 23rd March | 6pm | LT J Entreprenership Society | 23rd March | 6pm | LT F : [email protected] | WWW.USSU.CO.UK Magick & Pagan Society | 23rd March | 6pm | Committee Room Design & Layup GU2 | 25th March | 6:15pm | LT G Sarah Butterworth © USSU COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE 2004 LGBT Society | 4th May | 7:30pm | TB 12A Pete Nichols | Neil Christie Printed by Sharman and Co. Printers: Computing Department Level 2 end of term Bond Boat Party | Sat 29th May | 4 Matt Adams | Ben Berryman Peterborough | Tel: 01733 424949 Bars | Only 520 tickets - £30 inc. Transport 18 March 2004 LETTERS 3 Letters to barefacts Letters must be received by 12pm on the Friday before publication to be published in the next newspaper. | Letters may be edited for length or clarity | [email protected]

Dear barefacts where we work, where we live, our friends, Dear barefacts, incredibly helpful tool in bringing the who we date, how we spend our money meaning of the original text to the every I am writing in response to Chris Ward’s etc, so why the question of what we believe When reading the 11 March issue of day 21st century person. However, due to article last week (‘which ‘truth’ do you in? You raise the question of us being barefacts, I was amazed (and delighted) to the fact that language continually evolves believe?’) ‘punished’ for what we choose - how is this see not only one, but two lengthy articles and the differences in nature between the It was a fascinating and well written different to anything else? We choose what clearly promoting acceptance and love languages, some of the full meaning of article but I want to respond to your we do, and we live with the consequences - towards other human beings, regardless of the scripture can be lost. This is where experience Chris. Just so you know where if I choose not to complete my dissertation nationality, race and sexuality. Although commentary is vital to give the reader the I am coming from - I am a Christian. simply because I just can’t be bothered, Chris Ward managed to quote a bible verse full meaning as originally intended. Jehovah’s Witnesses are certainly not then I have only myself to blame when I that doesn’t exist (where he said John 16: No doubt, people misuse scripture Christians (they have a very different fail my degree! In the same way if I hear 34, I assume he meant John 15:12), his of most religions around, whether it be version of the Bible just for starters!) You the story of Jesus coming to earth, dying for point remains, that we must love each other in justifying terrorist acts, crusades, or raised many relevant issues and it would me and telling me that the most fulfi lling for what we are. attempting to condemn homosexuals to take me a good many hours to write a life I could ever lead would be to trust In all writing about religion, someone hell; but most of these mistakes are made response to each question/ issue raised and follow Him (knowing that yes, times is always going to take the bait and argue due to a misunderstanding of the basic (which I am more than happy to discuss may be tough but ultimately I will spend in some way, and I hate to be that person, theology that commentary explains. To over a pint Chris - I am not shy or scared of eternity in heaven - read this in the Bible but Chris Ward misses something very condemn commentary is to open the way justifying my faith!) if you don’t believe me!) but I decide that important in the article. The Bible and other for more 9/11s. I have chosen to just comment on one no, I know best, and I am doing whatever religious texts are written in languages issue from your conclusion: I agree with I want to do and stuff the consequences, other than English- the Bible in Hebrew, YOURS SINCERELY, your comment that you cannot believe then yes, God has every right to send me to Aramaic and Greek. So translation is an PAUL HUXLEY that the creator of this world can be so hell! - it’s only by His loving grace that I close minded - of course he is not! You am going to heaven anyway! The choice is say yourself that aren’t we given the plain and simple, and everyone that know’s Dear barefacts, Union which will feel the same as every opportunity to learn from the error of our this choice (which you now do because you other Friday night for the past 3 years, and ways, and challenges to overcome - of have just read this - sorry!) has to decide! I am writing on behalf of all fi nal year won’t be anything special. course we are! This is ‘free will’. Not - you are not “punished”, you simply make students graduating this year on the It isn’t that it’s too hard to organise a decent getting into the ‘where did Cain’s wife your choice and live with the consequences appalling organisation of our graduation venue, after all they manage it every year come from’ argument (again, I know what (that you know when you make your ball! For those of you who do not know this for both the Charity Dinner Dance and the I believe on that but there is a whole book decision)! year it is going to be held in our Union, yes, Colours Ball. If their argument is that its to written with that very title, and I am trying In response to the fi nal line of your article you heard me, our Union! keep the costs down, I am sure the majority to concentrate on just one question here!) “don’t get offended by these people, just Why they thought this was a good venue, I of people would rather pay that little bit Anyway, ok, so mankind messed up the do what I do and feel sorry for them”, well don’t know. Everyone I have ever spoken to more for a truly special night. So why can’t perfectness of the earth (Adam, Eve, snake that is your choice of which I or nobody have been looking forward to our graduation they put the same effort into making the last etc) and God gave us free will, meaning else has the right to force anything else ball since we started. We have all heard tales day at our University a new, different and that of course, in Great Britain thankfully upon you, but I would say that certainly, I from our friends on the amazing nights they exciting night! we can choose not to believe/ to believe too disagree with Jehovah’s Witnesses but have had at their graduation balls, the huge and what we do about this, but at the end of don’t let that stop you investigating further venues, big bands or even just big marquees! YOURS SINCERELY, the day, when we die we are ‘evaluated’ so - eternity is a pretty long time and that is All of which give the night a different AN ANNOYED FINAL YEAR. to speak: no, this is not unfair (and I’m not one reason why I want to know where I am feeling. Yet we are going to have ours at our going to get into the ‘but what about people going to spend it! who have never heard/ babies etc’ argument Dear Annoyed Final Year, seen as graduation ball part II. Tickets will to keep this simple). Most of us have a YOURS SINCERELY, be priced at £35 for the Thursday and £10 good many years on earth, and within A BAREFACTS READER As yet no offi cial publicity has been for the Friday, however if you buy tickets reason, in the UK we basically CHOOSE NAME AND ADDRESS SUPPLIED released, so what you have quoted is for both events together, a combined ticket hearsay, but true nonetheless, part of the will cost £40. Dear barefacts, setting local policy in areas including: Graduation Ball this year will be held in the So, in summary lighting and safety; rubbish collection and Union. This year the ball will be held on • The funfair returns this year th I am writing to remind all students that live recycling; entertainment licensing; and Thursday 17 June, as this is the date when • The event is over two days within the Friary & St. Nicholas area of housing. All of these areas affect you as a the majority of fi nal years graduate, the • The total cost of the ticket is £10 Guildford that there is a Borough Council resident, hence the importance of electing event will open at 7pm and close at 2am. cheaper than last year by-election taking place this week. Ballot the best candidate to represent you and your The initial part of the event will be held th papers have been sent out to all those views, to the Council. outdoors, with a funfair, marquees, outdoor Tickets go on sale on Monday April 26 . eligible to vote (all EU citizens, and all I strongly encourage you to exercise your attractions, etc; the end of the evening shall th subjects of The Commonwealth). The democratic right by voting in this local be in the Union. On Friday 18 June there REGARDS deadline by which ballot papers must be election. shall be an event in the Union from 10pm ALAN ROY received is 5pm on Thursday the 25th of until 6am (license permitting) which can be USSU ENTERTAINMENTS MANAGER March. YOURS SINCERELY, Borough Councillors are responsible for MIKE CHAMBERS Dear barefacts, another two weeks when term ends? Never mind posters putting people off during What are The Estates And Building UCAS days, I’m certain that the majority This is the last ‘real’ issue of barefacts this academic year. However, Departmentturn to tryingpage to8 doto toread us? Fora surrey those students’of potential experience students’ ofshown drink around spiking UniS keep your eyes open for special online editions of ‘barefacts-lite’ at of you not in Guildford, this week they on the UCAS day on Wednesday 17th of www.ussu.co.uk next term, as well as the as yet unnamed magazine to be released in May. Hope you’ve enjoyed the paper this year. To get involved have chosen to put manure around the March will remember Surrey as the smelly next year email [email protected] over the summer. bottom of every single tree on campus. University! The smell is dreadful - I’m from the the poster update: the ussu sabbatical officers are awaiting a response from rolling countryside of Wiltshire, and even YOURS SINCERELY, the university to organise a meeting to discuss this issue I can’t stand it! Couldn’t they have waited BEN BERRYMAN 4 COMMENT 18 March 2004 Our Infected Music Charts Ray Sadri bemoans the lack of ‘decent music’ in the music charts of today, asking ‘where is the love?’

opinion As frequently asked by the Black Eyed Peas, ‘Where is the Love’? That is what I want to know as throughout the This week’s barefacts opinion has been hijacked by Editor world, the true love of music is being destroyed by the in Chief, Sarah Butterworth. Over the past academic year shameless modern day pursuit of greed, fame and money. this column has seen comments on everything from the Let’s take the case of our great country. Our charts are DAVE project, to elections to lecturer strikes, but as the end now being fl ooded with ever-increasing manufactured of the last barefacts draws near, it’s time for the obligatory bands many of which are born from the same old repetitive thankyous that inevitably take place at the end of the year. television shows which claim to display high levels of Look away now if you don’t like cheesy thankyous... talent across the nation. A great deal of these so-called The barefacts team this year has been absolutely amazing, stars have their lyrics written for them. They are told how and signifi cantly larger than in previous years. The fi rst to dance, how to look and what to wear. What exactly do semester saw over 110 people contributing to the paper, these people do for themselves? and the second semester almost as many - huge thanks to Take Michelle McManus for example – she won Pop everyone! Special thanks must go to the editorial team - Idol and got to number one in the charts. She may be Chris, Neil, Ben, Pete, Matt, Jon, Phil, Tree, Jen and Daisy, an averagely decent singer - maybe even slightly above the majority of whom have been working on the paper since average if I am to be generous. But she does not possess before semester started way back in September. They have outstanding talent nor does she have great stage presence been an amazingly dedicated team, have worked long hours or the right image. So I ask you why was she made Pop to make the paper what it is, and I can’t thank them enough. Idol? As narrow minded as this sounds, image comes part We’ve had some highs and some lows, but all through there and parcel of being a modern day idol. With no disrespect has been an amazing core group of people who have kept the whatsoever, our bright future generation of kids are not of big muscular men wearing baseball caps to one side and paper going, some putting in up to 20 hours a week, doing going to be inspired by an unglamorous person with an being surrounded by fast cars and women. How Hard! completely unpaid and often thankless work. Special thanks average or just above average talent for singing. Now How original! Why not invest the time and energy into go out to the following people: David Beckham is an idol. A wealthy and successful something which is more worthwhile to view. Bring back Chris Ward - I’ll mostly remember you for the endless family man who is a talented footballer, as well as a good the funky breakdancing and robotics for example. supply of starburst wrappers left around the offi ce, but looking chap. He displays his originality through his attire And another thing. There are so many covers happening. thanks for all your help! Neil Christie - who made history and his many different imaginative hairstyles. He is a It really gets up my nostrils to hear old classics being by writing for barefacts before even starting at Surrey, and model representative to our country – one that many young totally ruined by wannabe copycats who have nothing has been a great layer upper and writer since the start. Ben men can, and do aspire to. Michelle McManus is not. original to offer us. Duo Sam and Mark were number one Berryman - thanks for the endless support, and for working Not only are our chats dominated by manufactured bands, just a couple of weeks ago depressing us with their version on bf til gone midnight on 21 Tuesday nights this year, they are also crowded with time wasters. These are people of the Beatles classic ‘With a little help from my friends’. despite it being your fi nal year. Matt Adams - the random who do not have much talent for singing or dancing but Now don’t get me wrong. Not all copies are bad, but the facts have made us giggle, and thanks for picking up the insist on ruining our day nevertheless. One cannot help but sheer volume of songs being reproduced nowadays just weekly pizza from Seaway! Pete Nichols - you’re a star for notice Posh Spice who keeps on trying to make a comeback demonstrates the lack of originality and imagination. collecting all your articles and coming back every week to with mediocre, often annoying songs. Her latest works I have a message for all the young 12 and 13 year olds lay them up, despite being on placement. Thanks also to the such as ‘In the Groove’ raced out of the charts in record who go into HMV and the like. Please stop wasting your Union Sabbaticals, Exec and staff - you’ve been a great help time. Now what is that telling you Mrs. Beckham? What precious money or your parent’s money on such bad taste, and support this year. And fi nally - good luck to next year’s do you think you are doing? Peter Andre is another prime because you are contributing to a huge mass injustice by barefacts team - it’s a tough job, but worth it in the end! example. He re-launched his career through a reality show bringing these undeserved specimens into the charts. – surprise surprise. He has re-released a classic tune and Whatever happened to real heart going into music? It is hats off to him, all the proceeds are going to charity. But just not exciting anymore. People used to write their own Random Fact of the Week again he is going to bore us senseless with his pathetic songs and play their own instruments and come up with By Matt Adams work of art – Insania. ‘Doo Doo Doo… this is Insania’?!! their own dance moves. There are countless classic works Yes Peter I’m sure this will provide us all with great of art by musical geniuses of the 70s 80s and 90s. Spandau Around 25,000 Iraqi men called Saddam listening you genius… not. And by the way does anybody Ballet, Wham, Queen, Michael Jackson, Beatles, Madonna, Hussein have changed their names since know the whereabouts of Bubbla? It is he who makes Jon Bon Jovi, Robbie Williams, Oasis, Jimi Hendrix, Bob the dictator’s fall. ‘Mysterious Girl’ what it is – Bubbla Ranx featuring Peter Marley, Alanis Morrissette, Sting, U2, Red Hot Chilli Andre is how it should be in my view. Peppers, Eminem – the list is endless. And not all music And what is with this image in all rap videos nowadays in the current charts is worthless either – there is plenty of stuff which is cool and catchy and worth buying such as the Darkness, Sean Paul, Black-Eyed Peas, No Doubt and dance tunes such as Take Me To The Clouds Above, etc. etc. – all music of appropriate quality. But it really wounds one deep in the heart and sends one to chronic depression when acts such as Atomic Kitten, Cheeky Girls and Busted revel in the once prestigious number one spot, and make us victims of their folly. So let us pray together for less of the mindless, unoriginal, incompetent, uninspiring timewasters, and more of the individual and imaginative stars rising to success by putting pen to paper, fi nger to guitar and slides to dance fl oor. In turn, here is to motivation - please come back to us the victims, so that we can put hand in pocket and once again make the once glorious music industry thrive again. My rant is over.

the above is a ‘comment’ article, hence the opinions are those of the author and not necessarily the editorial team, the sabbaticals, the executive, union staff or anyone else! 18 March 2004 FEATURES 5 bf introduces: The Local Bobby Following the high profile Lights, Camera, Action campaign over the last year, barefacts introduces the local Neighbourhood Specialist Officer, PC Jon Carver, with details on exactly what he does and how to contact him...

PC 2245 Jon Carver is the Neighbourhood Specialist successes in the area would be the sharp decrease in vehicle Offi cer for Park Barn and Westborough and covers the crime, major drugs operations, a series of warrants for area from the A3 down to Dennis roundabout then up stolen property which have all ended in substantial prison the Aldershot Road to Broad Street. Jon has been in this sentences for local offenders. Jon achieves this through position for 2 years now and a Police Offi cer for 6 years the gathering of information locally and was last year the after 4 years as a store detective and previously to that a Surrey Nomination for the Community Police Offi cer of the manager of a Sports Centre and Sports coach in several Year award for his work at Kings College. different sports. He has also done crime prevention days at various places His role is to bridge the gap between the Police and the within the area and has liased closely with our own security local community and provide a reassurance factor by his and Pc Martin Weare of Onslow in the recent successful patrolling either on foot or more commonly on his push operation at the University resulting in an arrest of a bike. suspect for several thefts from students. Jon has created an innovative e-mail newsgroup called In the underpasses Jon recently informed us of 2 arrests Parkbarnnews and sends messages out of importance when which he has made where the offenders were identifi ed necessary updating local crime trends, offering information from Underpass offences. One was for the handbag snatch of local events and crime prevention advice. This also last October and no similar offences have occurred in this gives you access to his e mail address as a local Offi cer area since. The other for indecent exposure at the start of [email protected] and by sending him an e-mail last summer and again no offences along the same lines to this address entitled Park Barn News he will add you as have occurred since the arrest. Jon has assistance in his area a member. from PCSO Pascale Brodie and GBC warden Tracy James Jon is also the offi cer who regularly hands out parking who all work together to try to remove the stigma which is tickets by the Southway shops for unnecessary obstruction often attached to Park Barn. If you live in the area or are as mass parking in this area causes major problems for thinking of living there next year or wish to assist Jon as a through traffi c including busses, so you now know who to volunteer then contact Jon and gain local updates and pass complain to! any information you feel necessary that would assist him. Some of the ongoing actions Park Barn include anti drugs Discos for the youths, a youth cafe, improving Mobile phone: 07967 987818 environmental aspects, an innovative board game, a Phone: 01483 531111 reclamation area and the search for facilities for the youth [email protected] who Jon readily admits can be testing. Some of the major Student Website Showcase 2004 by catherine lee Back in the first edition of barefacts this semester, I appealed for any website-design gurus amongst you to submit details of their handiwork to appear in a special feature. Here is said feature. It’s made it into for arts and print slightly later in term than originally hoped for which I can but apologise, but now it’s here I hope you all find at least one or two sites that float your boat. All that’s left for me to say is a huge thanks to culture week 2004 you all for getting in touch, happy surfing!! www.racingreactions.com [Adam Hatton, Final Year Maths Gallery from the Students Union and various Club nights technical stuff [computers, bass guitars…] and a lively and Computing] This site acts as a forum for discussion on across the UK, along with news from the Guildford area.” Bulletin Board community that even has its own monthly motorsports events - Formula 1, World Rally, Moto GP, The site also boasts a newly developed chat forum, and awards. There’s also a pile of music information, including and Speedway races. It invites its visitors to record their some of the photos are so atmospheric you can almost hear downloadable fi les recorded by Ste himself. responses and reactions to race results and news, acting as a the tunes. sort of time capsule of motorsports history. www.gu2.co.uk [Piers, Mel and Scoot] A recently re- www.arbitraryconstant.co.uk [Richard Watts] Adamantly vamped website for our very own radio station. Expect to usmc.powersauce.com [Jez Wingate] The University of not a weblog, this site is a collection of articles and fi nd a schedule of the shows, weekly charts, a webcam and Surrey Mountaineering Club website, providing up-to-date publications written by Rich. These include fi lm, music and live audio streaming. Also all the latest news and details of details of all news and events. The social side of the club is book reviews, archived Life After The Womb columns and a how you can get involved! evident - the pint rules page proved a particularly amusing diary of his PhD studies. read - and the site also features scanned-in copies of well- www.neilandmatt.co.uk [Neil Christie and Matt Adams, travelled notebooks and a thriving bulletin board. www.minor9th.com [Simon Pearson, Third Year First Year Business Management] Tonmeister] Having recently launched their show on GU2, this pair are www.surreymbc.co.uk [Ewan Panter] The University A collection of chronological weblog musings [complete now online too – fi nd info about their radio careers, photos of Surrey Mountain Bike Club. As well as details of rides with links to some of the most obscure yet fascinating corners and random life events here with some imposing Lord of and frequently-asked questions, there are photos and even of the Internet] and fantastic, arty photos of everything from the Rings graphics to kick off. videos. Rather nifty weather information and bike part price- landscapes to pick ‘n’ mix to window blinds. comparison links too. If you have any suggestions for anything arty, cultural or www.worldofste.co.uk [Steve Bunting, Third Year eventful that you want to see happen this year, drop me www.urweb.co.uk [Richard Spalding, Second Year Tonmeister] a line on [email protected] and I promise to Business Management] In Rich’s own words “…a Photo Also a collection of weblog entries and photos, but also follow up your ideas. After all, that’s what I’m here for!! 6 RAG WEEK 18 March 2004 RAG Week 2004

With the biggest and most important week in the RAG calendar taking place next week, RAG Chair Zoe Kilb gives you an update on everything that’s already been achieved this year, and what you can look forward to over the next week...

rag week stunt 1988 What we did and who got what?

OCTOBER: Our fi rst street collection of the year in Guildford raised £1,600 for the Breast Cancer Campaign NOVEMBER: A trip to Windsor and a cold afternoon collecting raised £160 for The Children’s Trust DECEMBER: World Aids Day activities managed £555 for The Terrence Higgins Trust JANUARY: Collectors persuaded Meatloaf concertgoers Plus students and staff dropped over £150 of changed at Wembley Arena to cough up £240 for The Meningitis into our bar tins, Ian Lancaster donated money tickets Research Foundation sales to the tune of £125, Raggies sold our infamous RAG FEBRUARY: Two raids in Guildford (one in fancy pens and made £20 and £650 was raised from RAG Mag rag raid 2003 dress!) raised £130 for The Terrence Higgins Trust and advertisements. £180 for The Anthony Nolan Trust All this money goes into the RAG pot which will be distributed at the end of the year to our fi ve chosen Over £3,800 raised for charity! charities: Barnardos, The British Red Cross, The Laura Crane Trust, Duncan’s Fund and Radio Lion. Take a look Since September 2003 the University of Surrey’s RAG rag team 2004 at www.ussu.co.uk/rag to fi nd out more. group has raised over £3,800 for charity and they’re still Our fundraising efforts for these fi ve charities are not going! Next week (22nd – 27th March) sees the biggest over yet! Next week is RAG Week! Take a look at the ents event ion the RAG calendar –RAG Week!! planner to see what’s going on this year, pick an event and we hope to see you there! RAG, as you must all know by now is one of the most RAG would like to say a big thank you to the following fun, exciting and worthwhile societies to join at Surrey. people who have all helped the society loads this year: RAG stands for Raising and giving – and the group aims Carol Main (for just everything), Ian Lancaster, Ian to raise loads of dosh for worthwhile causes whilst having Stephens, Alan Roy, Ben Mac, Jacqui on Reception, Andy as much fun as humanly possible! Since this is the last Blair, the sabbatical team, barefacts, all our wonderful Barefacts this term, the RAG Committee thought they had volunteers, and last but not least everyone and anyone better give you an update on what’s been happening. who has donated this year! Arts & Culture Week

USSU Arts and Culture Week 2004

Every year the Students’ Union presents a showcase of the many different types of art and culture in and around USSU. After being delayed from earlier this semester, so far Arts and Culture week has been a resounding success. On Monday night three films were shown in the main union to large audiences... ‘Amelie’, the shory of a young French girl was shown early in the evening, followed by the German film ‘Goodbye Lenin’ and ending with the student classic ‘Pulp Fiction’. Tuesday evening saw a showcase of talent from various entertainment societies at USSU, ranging from the Music and Drama Society’s revue, showcasing work done in drama workshops throughout the year, to the USSU Ballroom Dancing Society’s display of a variety of dances. Arts and Culture week is still in full swing, with the Big Band giving a concert on Friday night at 8pm in PATS Studio 1 (next to Teaching Block). Last year the Big Band was awarded the prestigious title of Best Big Band in the UK, and this concert is not to be missed. Entrance is only £3 for concessions. On Sunday the University of Surrey Symphony Orchestra will be performing their final concert of the academic year at 7.30pm in PATS Studio 1. Thanks to everyone who has helped to organise this year’s Arts and Culture Week, in particular Chris Hunter and Catherine Lee. words: sarah butterworth, vp communications | pictures: chris hunter, vp societies and culture 18 March 2004 UNION 7 BDS Against the Best Name | Carol Main BY SARAH BATH Tel | (01483) (68) 3254 Email | [email protected] The Ballroom dancing society and their Web | www.ussu.co.uk/volunteering supporters were up at the crack of dawn Person | The Activities Centre again last Saturday to head to Stoke on @ USSU Trent to compete in the last competition of the year in the Inter Varsity Dance Championships. In this around 20 universities from all over the country As this is the last barefacts of the year…if you would like to hear more about all the compete against each other. exciting, up to date information about fantastically diverse volunteering opportunities, Despite being tired, we tried to end the please contact Carol Main, asking to be added to the groovy email list! Many thanks. season on a high. Everybody danced very fantastic and inspiring demonstration by the well and the numerous hours of practising World number 1 couple, Brian Watson and paid off for many couples. Special Carmen. The Battle Is Upon Us... bucket, selling goody bags, helping with a congratulations to those who were placed A big thank you and well done to st quiz and lost property sale! Please contact in the fi nals, Sam and Sam: 1 in Beginner everybody who has competed for Surrey nd The very exciting annual ‘Battle of the Carol if you want to be involved! Quickstep, 2 in Beginner Cha Cha and this year. It’s been a very successful year Bands’ event will be held in the USSU on Jive and were noted as being the best and thank you to the many supporters Sunday 21st March where 7 local school Business As Usual... beginner couple overall. Norman and Nate who have travelled with the team to the th bands will play short music sets to win a came 8 in Novice Ballroom, Jimmy and competitions. rd top prize! A huge variety of help is needed, A business/ mini-enterprise event is being Nate were placed 3 in Novice Latin and Competitions are a fun way of improving th from welcomers and people able to ‘look run for year 10 business studies students at Mal and Nate fi nished 4 in the Ex Student your dancing and learning from others, after’ the bands, to general runners and a local secondary school, and The V Project Latin. so if you think you would be interested photographers! All help very gratefully has been approached to fi nd one or two The team event had a qualifying round in competing next year, come along on a appreciated! The event will be from 10am students to get involved. It is on Tuesday to divide the universities into 2 divisions, Wednesday, 7.45pm in university hall to – 6pm ish. Please get in touch with Carol 30th March (morning). Free lunch, and Surrey danced well and were placed in the fi nd out more. Alternatively, come along st ASAP if you can help out. travel expenses paid. Please contact Carol 1 division and reached the quarter fi nals. to dance socially and have fun! Email: if interested. This means we were in the top 18 in the [email protected] for more information country! The day was rounded off with a about the society. Sea Saw... Walkies...

Please can you shake a bucket in Guildford Canine Partners is a guide dogs for the on Saturday 20th March for the Sea disabled charity – can you help marshal a Cadets? A collection will be taking place, sponsored dog walk on Sunday 18th April? and all help will be gratefully received! Contact Carol if yes! Please contact Carol if you are interested.

Help! I Need Somebody... Going Once… Going Twice... St. John Links (the student part of a Would you like to help raise money for 5 huge fi rst aid society) is taking part in very good causes? It is RAG week next an ambulance training day on Sunday week and a ‘human auction’ is being held 25th April (NOT Saturday 17th April in Chancellors on Tuesday 23rd March! as previously advertised). It will be a Can you cook? clean? take someone out?.. fascinating and exciting day. Meals/ what will you be auctioned off as!? ALSO expenses will be provided. Please contact volunteers are needed all week to get Carol for more info. involved in selling raffl e tickets, holding a 8 MIND YOUR DRINK 18 March 2004 Date Rape: A Students’ Experience

A Surrey students tells the story of her own experience of drink spiking, and what you can do to stop yourself becoming the next victim of date rape.

Imagine…. you are on a fi rst something to eat, we moved on to centre of Guildford, to a house in date, or just out having a laugh a different pub which served food. Aldershot, and I had no memory with friends. You put your drink I didn’t want to say anything to of how I got there…. behind you on the table or ask him, as I didn’t want to embarrass The introduction of date rape a really cute looking guy near myself and make him think I was drugs into mainstream culture has you to hold it whilst you go to a hypochondriac. We were there put a very powerful weapon in the the toilet, or over to a group of for about 30 minutes chatting like hands of sexual predators. Rape friends. BEWARE: a danger crazy…. I felt I had known him can be easily committed behind a lurks, a danger more terrifying for years. foggy haze of intoxication, often than anything you have ever To be honest, I don’t know what leaving the victim oblivious to the encountered before – your drink is happened next, I can’t remember. fact they have been assaulted. In now in danger of being spiked. The next thing I knew, I woke up recent years a new kind of rape This is my story. I am a fi rst and was in his bedroom. It was threat has reared it’s ugly head year who was set up on a blind four hours later, and I had been at parties, on campuses and in date. Jim (not his real name) met raped. nightclubs - so called “predator” me with a bunch of red roses – I or “date rape” drugs. the victim is often unaware that with testing for date rape drugs. think I fell instantly in love. He The next thing I knew, I What exactly are date rape they have even been raped, and if This is the only way to know for was cute, really sweet and very drugs? Technically speaking, they are aware or have suspicions sure. attentive. He seemed wonderful. woke up and was in his any substance that renders they make very poor witnesses. It is a frightening thought that However, after 2 gin and tonics bedroom. It was four you incapable of saying no or So how do you know if you begs the question: “What, if and an hour or so chatting to him, asserting yourself and your needs have fallen victim to a rape anything, can be done to stop a I started to feel unwell. I felt hours later, and I had can be used to commit rape. This using a date rape drug? It is person from falling victim to a strange and dizzy, it was unlike been raped. can include things like alcohol, diffi cult, but not impossible. rape using a date rape drug?” anything I had ever felt before. I marijuana or other street drugs, First, there are some very clear There are some simple behaviour put it down to not eating before I I managed to escape and get a designer or club drugs like signs that sexual activity has modifi cations you can make to had met him, or due to the alcohol taxi, the driver told me I was in ecstasy, over-the-counter sleeping taken place even if you have no ensure that you do not fall prey drunk on an empty stomach. Aldershot. pills and antihistamines, even memory of actually “doing it.” to a rapist armed with a date rape After deciding that I needed I had gone from a pub in the cold medications. However, the (It is important to note here that drug. To protect yourself always term “date rape drug” usually if you have had sex but can not follow these simple rules: applies to the drugs Rohypnol, remember doing it or offering • Don’t accept open drinks GHB (Gamma Hydroxy Butyrate) consent you have been raped (alcoholic or non-alcoholic) from and Ketamine (Ketamine under the law, whether a date others who you do not know or do Hydrochloride). rape drug has been used or not.) not trust; this includes drinks that Why do these drugs make Signs that a sexual assault has come in a glass. effective date rape drugs? taken place can include; soreness • When in bars or clubs always Many factors make these drugs or bruising in the genital area get your drink directly from the desirable to sexual predators. The or anywhere else on the body, bartender and do not take your drugs are virtually undetectable; and traces of semen or vaginal eyes off the bartender or your they are tasteless, odourless and fl uids on the clothes or body. order; don’t use the waitress or let colourless. All traces of the drugs Other clues that a date rape drug somebody go to the bar for you. leave the body within 72 hours may have been given to you • At parties, only accept drinks in of ingestion and can’t be found include: feeling “hung-over” sealed containers: bottles or cans.. in any routine toxicology screen despite having ingested little or • Do not drink from open / blood test - doctors and police no alcohol, a sense of having beverage sources like punch have to be looking specifi cally had hallucinations or very “real” bowls, pitchers or tubs. for them and they have to look dreams, fl eeting memories of • Never leave your drink quickly! Date rape drugs are feeling or acting intoxicated unattended or turn your back on easily slipped into drinks and food despite having taken no drugs your table and are very fast acting. They or drinking no alcohol, no clear • If you feel at all unwell, render the victim unconscious memory of events during an 8 to immediately tell a friend who you but responsive with little or no 24 hour period with no known trust, a member of security staff memory of what happens whilst reason for the memory lapse. or the manager of the venue that the drug is active in their system. Short of being told you have been you are in The drugs make the victim act given a date rape drug, there is no • Unfortunately drink spiking without inhibition, often in a way to be sure without medical isn’t only used by rapists, sexual or physically affectionate testing. If you suspect that you muggers may spike your drink to way. Date rape drugs render a have been given a date rape drug make you an easy target, or your person incapable of thinking you need to get to a hospital mates may add to you drink ‘for clearly or of making appropriate quickly and you must request that a laugh’. decisions. This makes for a very you be properly tested. The drugs This is illegal. passive victim, one who is able to can be found in your system if play a role in what is happening you act quickly. If you suspect If you need any further advice, but will have no clear memory of you have been raped using any of please contact the Roofi e what happened after-the-event. these drugs go to a hospital and Foundation on 08007832980 Without any memory of events request a preliminary rape exam 18 March 2004 1350AM GU2 & FOOD 9 Communicate1350AM GU2 Radio

After 4 stunning weeks broadcasting Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday on 107.3FM, GU2 is now back on 0800-0900 SBN Breakfast Show Non Stop GU2 1350AM, as well as broadcasting James Harwood 24 hours a day at www.gu2.co.uk. 0900-1000 Amelia Lefroy Amelia Lefroy Non Stop GU2 James Harwood In case you’ve been living in a deep 1000-1100 Non Stop GU2 Non-Stop GU2 Big Luke & hole during your time at Surrey, Non Stop GU2 Non Stop GU2 1100-1200 Chris & Louise The Playlist with Stappers here’s a brief re-cap. 1350AM GU2 Scooter & Banjo Rays Madness 1200-1300 DJ Steed a Twist En & Em Show is the student radio station here at John Miller’s 1300-1400 Phil Brown Afternoon Request Show with Jay Jazz Show GU2 Chart the University of Surrey. It is run by Nafe n Chris students, for students, and offers 1400-1500 Ickle Sarah & ‘day to day’ Butcher The Bad Boys of Show opportunities to be involved both 1500-1600 Crazy Chris Non Stop GU2 Non Stop GU2 Sports Show Minted GU2 Sunday Service in front of the microphone as a DJ 1600-1700 Dave & V Show Variety Hour with Tug & Tim Non Stop GU2 Old Skool An- and behind the scenes as part of the Bad Boys of The Moaning Rock Through 1700-1800 Nadia Da Jump Off thems technical, production or marketing GU2 Hour Time teams. It’s an opportunity you will Student Radio barefacts live Chart probably never get again throughout 1800-1900 Monday & Wednesday barefacts live (5 mins) :: GU2 Non Stop Music (5 mins) :: Da your life, and there’s been no better Jump Off The Cyclone time to get involved. On Thursday Dance Show Rock through 25th March at 6.15pm the GU2 1900-2000 Genrelessimo Drummerboy DJ Steed Anti Chart So Surprising Time with Xan Phil- AGM is going to be held in Lecture 2000-2100 Cyclone Dance Show Da Jump Off lips Theatre G. This is to elect the com- mittee who will be responsible for 2100-2200 Da Jump Off Take 2 Friday Night International Lazy Sunday running the radio station next year, 2200-2300 The JD Set The Presence The Move Kiss with Bam Show and YOU can stand for a position. Bam Anti Chart Visit the forum on www.gu2.co.uk to 2300-0000 Hot Damn Kerrang Platform Show Ones to Watch Malcolm’s Jazz find out more about what’s on offer. 0000-0100 Revolution SBN Late Show Oh, and remember to tune in to 0100-0200 Non Stop GU2 1350AM or www.gu2.co.uk. Non Stop GU2 0200-0300 Non Stop GU2 words: sarah butterworth, vp communications

By Cori Powley The Comfort of Mash

When it’s cold outside I want to stay in, Nutmeg – a pinch of ground nutmeg or in front of the TV, wearing my pyjamas, better still, a grating of fresh nutmeg adds a wrapped in a duvet (and pretending that wonderful aroma and depth of fl avour. there isn’t in fact an unfathomably large Garlic – if you don’t want the strong garlic volume of work to be done). At these hit of adding raw crushed garlic to your times, I want my food to act as a comfort mash, you can gently fry it in some butter blanket. I want a bowl of something before adding. Be careful not to let the warming and unctuous that I can consume garlic brown too much as this can create an greedily. For this purpose, I prescribe unpleasant acrid fl avour. myself a large bowl of mashed potato. Cream Cheese – this is one of the Behold the many wonders of mashed or low fat margarine as to do so would be nor with too much bite, as this will make particularly wicked, but oh so tasty potato! I believe that mashed potato holds sacrilegious. With the proper ingredients for lumpy mash. When they are cooked, variations. Instead of milk and butter, add some magical powers capable of righting you end up with a magnifi cently creamy, drain and return to the pan away from the Philadelphia cream cheese to your mash. I the wrongs of this world. Ok, so perhaps soothing mashed potato that is essential to heat. Mash in the normal way with a potato add half a tub (or more), but add what you I’ve gone a little far there but nonetheless, your well-being. masher. If you are a gastro-geek like me think works. it is a gloriously comforting food. And you might own a potato ricer, which gives Bacon and spring onion – why not snip the other exciting thing is that there are so Basic Mashed Potato the creamiest mash (also quite fun to use) up some bacon rashers with scissors and many different fl avours that can be added Potatoes or if you are at the opposite end of the fry until crisp (adding sliced spring onions to mash to give it a new dimension and Full fat milk or cream spectrum and don’t own a potato masher, towards the end) and stir them through your make a delicious accompaniment or a meal Butter see if someone else does, failing that, mash. in itself. I often derive great pleasure from Salt and Pepper improvise with a fork (I assume you own Sautéed Cabbage – Savoy cabbage that devouring an enormous bowl of creamy, I’m not suggesting that you really need a one of those). Now add a generous dollop has been chopped into shreds and sautéed buttery mash and nothing else. recipe as such for mashed potato, but this is of butter and mash further and then add in butter (perhaps with garlic and spring Warning: anyone on a diet, look away a good starting point from which to create your milk or cream a little at a time until onions too) is particularly tasty. now. The very things that make the mash any of the variations described below. you have the desired consistency: velvety Cheese – grated into the mash and stirred recipes here so great are by nature quite Once you have peeled the potatoes, dice smooth, creamy mash potato. Season to through makes a simple and classic cheesy calorifi c. I make no apology for this as them into relatively equal size cubes. Boil taste. mash. mash is something that should be done for around 10 minutes, but keep an eye on Now at this point, you can serve as it is, Pesto – if you have a jar of pesto hanging properly, with full gusto (and fat). And them, poking occasionally with a fork. You perhaps with a little extra butter on top around, add a large spoonful to your please, please, please do not attempt want them to be tender but neither falling for good measure, or you can try one (or a potatoes when you mash: an easy way to mash with anything like skimmed milk, apart, as this will make your mash sloppy, combination) of these additions: impart several fl avours at once. 10 REPRESENTATION AND WELFARE 18 March 2004 Representation

What is The Representation & Welfare Unit? The Representation and Welfare Unit is the name of a service, which the Students’ Union provides for all students at Surrey University.

Who works there? The Education and Welfare Sabbatical, Claire Iles and the Education and Welfare Adviser, Lisa Widdows.

Where is it? The R & W offices are based in the Activities Centre in the Students’ Union. The Activities Centre can be accessed via the door by Pizzaman or through the main Union building.

How do I contact them? We operate an open door policy, which means that you can pop in to the Union at any time and if we can’t see you Claire Iles Lisa Widdows straight away, we will be able to book an appointment within the next couple of days. Alternatively you can email Vice President Education & us or ring on the following … Education & Welfare Adviser Welfare Claire | [email protected] | 01483 68 (9228) Lisa | [email protected] | 01483 68(3265)

So what’s the difference between the two roles? advice/ assistance (SAIS), Counselling service, careers advice … however, if you are at all The Education and Welfare Sabbatical’s role is to unsure of exactly what services we have on represent you, the students. This means that it is campus or who it is most appropriate for you to their responsibility to help you with any appeals see, we can easily advise you. and complaints that you may have with or outside of the University. The adviser role is to support for What issues can they help with? the Sabbatical team, provide them with up-to-date information about National policies and advise on In brief, we can help you with any concerns matters relating to education and welfare. that you may have, whether this is in person or • I’ve had a number of problems with lectures/ acting as a sign posting service, directing you to other modules being: cancelled/rescheduled at the last When is it open? relevant individuals/organisations. We can support minute…. you when approaching the University, by helping The core hours of this department are 9am to 5pm, writing statements, attending meetings with you as a • I’m not happy with the service that the Library/ although it is possible to make an appointment outside representative and chasing up action. Basically if you Health Centre provided (examples only) of office hours if time is a constraint. have any problem however big or small, if we can’t help, we’ll know someone who can! How does the R & W Unit differ from the University’s Care Services? FAQ’s that we can help with…

We are completely independent from the University. • With the exam period looming, I’m really struggling The Sabbaticals at the Students’ Union are the only to concentrate on work as I’ve had personal problems/ people who can represent you. The Care Services illness that has effected the amount of time I can specialise in different areas that we do not: Financial study...

• I’ve failed a reassessment, but circumstances at home meant that I couldn’t concentrate on my studies...

• I’m having a problem with my accommodation...

• I’ve received the contract for my new house, but I’m not sure what all the terms mean...

• I’ve been having problems at work, have been called into a disciplinary and can take a representative...

• I really don’t feel like I can talk to my personal tutor about… 18 March 2004 REPRESENTATION AND WELFARE 11

& Welfare at rey sur

How can I get involved?

Campaigns

Whether or not you have a burning desire to raise awareness of a specific issue or you just want to be involved in welfare-related projects, we can help. This year we have set up WELFS (welfare enthusiasts love finding solutions). These are teams of students who problems on your course, they are the individuals are keen to work on a certain project for the year. responsible for reporting these to the department, Currently we have students investigating: chasing up action and then feeding back to you, any • Recycling on halls of residence outcomes.

• Implementing a mentoring system across campus They attend Board of Studies meetings and sometimes • Developing imaginative ways of raising awareness a Level Forum/ Student Staff Liaison Group, where of sexual and mental health issues your views can be directly aired to your department and similarly, any new developments/changes that the As mentioned before, we can also support you to Senior Residents department will be initiating, can be fed back to the promote a specific campaign. Two examples of this course through the reps. are the work the work that we did for National No As most of you will probablyhave lived on campus at Smoking Day and the current drink spiking campaign. some point in your University career Programme Reps are provided with training run by The latter in particular originated with students the Students Union (DAVE accredited) and a folder full approaching us asking for help in raising awareness You arrive at University, you’ve never been away from of useful information about who in the University can about this very serious local and National issue. home before, and for some of you it may even be help with different issues. your first visit to the UK. What you could really do with Their response to the campaign has been “We were is someone who knows the town of Guildford, and It is your Programme Representatives responsibility to really impressed with the Union and the way the especially the University campus. Someone who has ensure that every student on their course knows who Welfare office was so enthusiastic in helping. We been at the University for a couple of years already, they are and how to contact them and these details couldn’t have done it without them!” know the halls regulations, knows where the best should be on course notice boards. If you do not places to eat and drink are, can show you where know who your rep is or you dont think you have one, Tesco’s is and knows how to cope with the tumble contact us and we can help in the election of a rep or dryers in the launderette. Someone who can be there give you the contact details of yours. like an older sibling/your mother but is most definitely not you mum! Maybe you are not a first timer in halls, If you would like to find out more about anything but this ‘someone’ can help you too... They can sort that has been mentioned in this article, please NIGHTLINE out any disputes on your floor/in your house, and is do not hesitate to contact the Representation & respected by the Wardening community as someone Welfare Department. who should be listened to if there are concerns about Want to help people? the place that you are living.

So who would want this kind of responsibility and Think you can provide an where would you be able to find this fantastic ‘someone’? impartial ear? In Halls of course! The person described is a Senior Resident. Ever fi nd you sit in front Senior Residents are trained by the Students’ Union, of the TV, bored in the to represent their fellow peers in any residential evening? issues that maybe encountered throughout their time on campus. They are responsible for ensuring residents feel welcome to the campus, for passing on Nightline needs you… information from Warden to student, for ensuring that students get heard regarding YOUR accommodation needs. They are a fundamental part of University For more information Accommodation; leaders, listeners, informers... or to get involved, Programme Representatives

just email Each and every one student has/should have at least [email protected] one! Programme Reps are students on your course, in your year that you elect to represent you to the University and the Students Union. If you have any all photos on this page by chris hunter 12 POSTGRADUATES @ SURREY 18 March 2004 Postgraduate Life at the University of Surrey

There are over four and a half thousand postgraduates at Surrey, in comparison to the seven thousand or so full-time undergraduates. However, most undergraduate students seem completely unaware of them - the campus seems so completely focused on undergraduates. So barefacts’ News Editor Philip Howard went to discover some of the key issues from some of those on the other side of the fence: the undergrad/postgrad divide, the ‘postgraduate experience’ here at Surrey, and their thoughts on the new Postgraduate Affairs sabbatical position in the union.

The undergraduate/postgraduate divide represented and implemented. This may be a challenge,” he cautioned. He thought, Undergraduates at Surrey are fairly however, that it is “going to be a ‘setting oblivious to the postgrads, and the two up the role’ year in the fi rst year.” Tim is are generally quite separate. Barefacts supportive of Rachel’s efforts; “I am here asked Mel why there was such a divide: to help it get started though and will be “I think the divide between postgrads and offering all the support I can to allow the undergrads is rather more complicated position to be used to its full potential not than you might expect. For a taught only as the UK’s only postgraduate national postgraduate, things are pretty similar to an sabbatical, but as the past president of the undergraduate. ... However the difference Postgraduate Association, where much between a research postgraduate and an work I did here as a postgraduate will undergraduate is huge. In general there are be taken further by the VP Postgraduate no lectures, no assignments, no classes for Affairs.” research postgraduates. It is much more Philip was positive about the position: “I like a job than a university course. Many think it is a good idea, as it is very easy for research postgrads are a lot older (I took postgraduates arriving at Surrey to have a year out before doing a PhD and am trouble settling in, and meeting people. the youngest in my offi ce by a few years) There are a different set of problems postgraduate freshers’ fayre 2003 | photo: chris hunter and so have different interests and are at encountering the recently arrived postgrad, Postgraduate Experiences and Issues for the NPC to both support or reject a different stage in life. Also you should and knowing that there is someone here to the bill. “However, unless the section consider that postgrads spend all year round help them should ease this. It’s going to The postgraduate experience is very on fees in the bill is amended, NPC will in university, whereas undergraduates be a tricky fi rst year of the post, trying to different to that of an undergraduate, as not support the bill.” The NPC is also are there for only a few weeks at a time defi ne the role for years to come. There is postgraduate student Philip explains how working to improve standards for research - there is hardly time to get to know them! certainly a role there to be done, although, his view of the university has changed: degrees - “which includes supervision, Another reason for the divide is that many exactly the best way to do this role is still to “I think my view of surrey has changed complaints procedures and inductions. postgrads teach undergrads and therefore be worked out. I hope the Job works, as it because I have grown up during my time Our involvement in this is vital”. Tim there are professional reasons for keeping a will help involve the large PG community at university. The University experience continued with international students: “we distance!” in the working of the union.” forces a lot of growing up and because of are campaigning against VISA extension Tim Brown explained how postgraduate Mel was asked what the VP-PGA Elect that you start to realise things, like lecturers charges along with NUS and the Council students can sometimes appear to be can hope to achieve: “they will be able do have a separate life, they aren’t just here for International Students (CIS).” ‘hidden away’: “It is so often the case to coordinate induction sessions for new to stand in front of us droning on, whilst we Mel (President of the Postgraduate many postgraduates won’t meet many other postgrads, social events, keep in touch with discuss last nights Eastenders. I’m now also Association at Surrey) outlined some postgraduates beyond those on their course the union and keep them informed as to the more aware of the bigger picture behind of the issues currently facing the PGA: if they are taught or research students may issues facing postgraduates and represent the university, and the corporate image. “There is still a need to set up a proper not really get to know anyone outside postgraduates on many different university To undergraduates it often seems like a induction service for postgrads. Since their offi ce if they have one. A national committees.” Will it be an uphill struggle refuge from the real world, its own little postgraduates can start at any time of the survey I carried out a couple of years ago for Rachel? “I can appreciate that some community, but working for the university year this problem is rather complicated but came out with some strong responses, may have diffi culty accepting the idea is part of the real world.” it is extremely important to make postgrads one being that there is no central place that an undergraduate has been elected to When asked what the biggest issue facing feel welcome. The PGA has also been for postgraduates to meet and integrate. represent postgraduates. However, we at postgraduates was, Tim Brown (National campaigning for a postgraduate common Undergraduates may naturally get involved the PGA ... came to the conclusion that a Postgraduate Committee Secretary) said: area. The idea is that some postgraduate in the central activities of the University, sabbatical offi cer is only as good as their “when I fi rst stood for election for this students do not have a desk and so this including the students’ union as it all begins training - provided that the sabbatical sabbatical post, I was asked this question would be somewhere they could base in Freshers’ week and everyone is settled offi cer keeps in close contact with the and said “Identity”. There is a need for themselves - we would like to provide an in quite quickly. The same isn’t true for PGA, there is no reason why they shouldn’t identity of postgraduates in so many area similar to that in the students’ union postgraduates, they all arrive at different be able to understand the experiences of areas when considering students’ union building. It can also be rather diffi cult times throughout the year and have very postgraduates.” development, structure of higher education for postgrads to meet people from other little opportunity to fi nd out what is institutions, the government agenda on disciplines and by providing a common happening.” higher education, student funding. The list room there would be a meeting point for Contributors: is endless and in so many cases, the specifi c postgraduates.” VP Postgraduate Affairs Melanie Webb is the chair of the interests of postgraduates often get so easily If you’re a postgraduate at Surrey and Postgraduate Association (PGA) at the forgotten. This is even more so the case for you don’t know about the PGA, they The introduction this year of the position university, the main representative body part time postgraduates, who are rarely seen have various events on for postgraduates: of VP Postgraduate Affairs has been both for postgraduate students at Surrey. Tim to identify what diffi culties they do actually Mel plugged away: “there were around praised (as it would be the fi rst of its Brown is an ex-student from Surrey, face.” Tim also explained the current 400 people at our hawaiian bbq and our kind in the UK) and decried, as there is and is now the head of the National campaigns of the NPC: “At the moment halloween party this year and the bar already a PGA at Surrey, who sit on many Postgraduate Council (NPC), the UK the higher education bill is one high on quizzes continue to be popular. Coming committees. Rachel Appleyard was elected body to which the PGA is affi liated. the agenda, where yet again postgraduates up we also have a trip to see Bollywood in, but unfortunately the sabbatical-to-be Philip Hawtin is on his second have been forgotten.” Apparently, of the Dreams in London (6 May), a casino night, could not be contacted in time for this postgraduate degree here at Surrey, so three parts to the bill, the two that aren’t an Irish night (17th March), go karting, feature. has seen the system from every angle. tuition fees are “about better support in paintballing and much more... We are Tim Brown said of the challenges facing Many thanks to all of them. research in the arts and humanities and also planning an END OF TERM PARTY Rachel: “One of the fi rst things they will Barefacts would also have liked to talk reform of student complaints,” which the - which will be on 26th March in Three need to do is convene a postgraduate to Rachel Appleyard, VP Postgraduate NPC support. The NPC does not support Tunns in Guildford, with free entry, cheap committee that will create a fi rm base to Affairs Elect, but could not get in touch the tuition fees, however, making it diffi cult drinks, music and lots of fun.” allow postgraduate interests to be actively with her in time.

16 PROFESSIONAL 18 March 2004 Dr Russ

DR RUSS CLARK Replies UNIS CAREERS SERVICE 250 Alumni Meet in Athens RUSS CLARK ANSWERS SOME OF YOUR QUESTIONS AS YOU NEAR THE END OF YOUR TIME AT SURREY

Where can I look for vacancies after I’ve number of employers attending varying graduated? between 30 and 150. For a complete guide Throughout the summer we will be to all of the Fairs run by university careers producing a weekly vacancies bulletin services, pick up Prospects Finalist in the which we will be very happy to e-mail it to Careers Service towards the end of May or you. Prospects Today, a vacancy bulletin check for details on the Prospects website which Surrey graduates have used to good www.prospects.ac.uk. Take copies of your effect in the past can also be mailed to CV or completed Standard Application you or you could view the same vacancies Form and keep a check list in your head of on their website at www.prospects.ac.uk. the things you would regard as your major The site also carries details of specialist selling points such as value of degree, publications and web sites which may exam successes, relevant work experience have vacancy information for specifi c and so on. Prepare to drop these into the occupations. conversation at suitable opportunities.

Is it worth registering with recruitment Is it too late to consider postgrad study? agencies? It is still not too late to secure a place on You would be wise to at least consider a postgraduate course. The key thing is using agencies as part of your job search. to identify a suitable opportunity and then Some advertisements are placed by get in touch with the course provider at the agencies anyway so if you are interested in earliest opportunity. We have reference the job on offer you will have no choice but books in the Careers Service such as to reply through them. There is a website Prospects Postgrad Directory, which will which lists them all according to the region help you to identify courses. Some will The Surrey Alumni Society held a reception forthcoming Olympics! Everyone enjoyed of the country in which they operate and be full, but not all, and it is possible to at The British Ambassador’s Residence in the chance to hear about the developments the types of vacancy which they handle at secure funding even at this late stage. Athens last week. Greece currently has the here at the campus from Professor Peter www.rec.uk.com. One word of caution, however, try to give largest number of the University’s overseas Butterworth, the Vice-Chancellor’s at least some thought to where it might alumni and 250 attended this second Development Director, as well as taking What about writing speculatively? lead you. Course providers or Careers reunion, twice the number from last year. the chance to reunite with old friends and Some graduates consider that writing Services should be able to provide you The reception was held in the Ballroom at network with fellow alumni. Dr Andreas to employers in the hope that they have with information about the destinations of the magnifi cent residence and the splendid Papatheodorou was on hand to meet with vacancies is a waste of time. The evidence, previous students. You may fi nd that the venue certainly added to the sense of the Alumni, many of whom enjoyed seeing though, is entirely the opposite. Some course doesn’t lead in quite the direction occasion! their School of Management lecturer once employers don’t even bother to advertise you have in mind. The alumni present were both again. their vacancies since they know they will undergraduate and postgraduate students Over the coming weeks, alumni receptions always be able to pick up good applicants What about taking time out? at Surrey, graduating from the 1970s to are to be held in Singapore, San Francisco, from those who write on the off-chance. Every year about 30 or so Surrey graduates just last year. Alumni from all schools Florida, Washington and New York. We All you need to do is to structure your CV decide to do something different. Travel attended but the School of Management will report back on the fortunes of more of in such a way that you appear to be tailor- and/or voluntary or temporary employment was particularly well represented, many our overseas alumni next semester. made for the kind of position you have in are the most popular alternatives. If of whom are currently busy ensuring For more photographs of the event go to mind. Add a persuasive covering letter, you would like to check out some of the everything runs smoothly for the www.surrey.ac.uk/alumni spelling out your reasons for writing and possibilities, the Careers Service has a the particular strengths which you would number of books which might help. Taking bring to the job. Even if they don’t have a Gap Year and International Voluntary immediate openings, they might put your Work are especially useful. letter on fi le. Can I still use the Careers Service after And networking? I’ve graduated? Surrey graduates seem to be good at this. It Defi nitely. Everything available to you as involves letting as many people as possible a student will continue to be available after know that you are job-hunting. Your you’ve graduated. For example, if you Industrial Year Tutor or Personal Tutor for haven’t decided what to do yet, a chat with example, may receive calls from employers a Careers Adviser could help you to sort out who want to fi ll permanent positions. your strengths, interests etc. and relate these Friends who are returning to or already to suitable careers. We can also advise working for an employer may be able to you about application forms and interview advise you about unadvertised vacancies. technique, CV preparation, choosing Members of your family may either help between options and so on. We will be you directly or know someone who can. A open throughout the summer so you can get good way to approach people is to ask for in touch anytime. There is no charge and their advice. Most people love giving you you can continue using the Careers Service their opinions and their experience of the for as long as you need to. Finally, we will job market can prove invaluable. have a Job Hunters Pack waiting for you in the Careers Service when you come back Will there by any recruitment fairs after the Easter break. Just drop in if you taking place over the summer? would like one. Most major cities will have them with the RUSS CLARK ANSWERS SOME OF YOUR QUESTIONS AS YOU NEAR THE END OF YOUR TIME AT SURREY FILM THEATRE Starsky and Hutch barefacts’ Theatre Editor is reviewed by Tim Daisy Clay heads to the Edwards as well as Yvonne Arnaud to see a several classic... er.... fantastic performance classics! of ‘Zipp’

Starsky and Hutch One Week: Several Classics Drugs orientated this week, as the film section brings the highs You’ve heard the fuss, perhaps seen the trailers, entered GU2’s pre- to this week’s reviews... mier competition... now Timothy Edwards brings you the review Drugs, whatever the current personal, social and scientific opinion on them is they have a Firstly, i’d like to thank Odeon (Guildford) nice of them, because it means i don’t have habit of turning up in movies. Everywhere. and GU2 for running the competition which to moan about how stupid he is. Starsky is Most of us (probably quite rightly) suspect that Hollywood is a festering spawning ground allowed me to go to the premiere of Starsky introduced chasing a mugger, while Hutch for drugged up Hollywood types, and these (allegedly) drugged up Hollywood types like And Hutch, in Leicester Square. Right, now is robbing a bookey. If you suspend disbelief making films about other drugged up types doing drugged up things. that the ass-kissing is over, I can get round to for most of the film, you can just about Drugged up debauchery and the destruction of innocence abound, here are some films reviewing it for all of you lovely readers. believe that Hutch hasn’t been fired/arrested running the gamut of the cinematic views on drugs. The film is a prequel to the 1975 series, yet... (The term drugs here would be the illegal kind, because alcohol and various other legal showing how the titular pair got together. As for Huggy Bear? This film portrays stimulants are technical drugs as well, I guess it’s the illegality of the whole thing which I must confess that i haven’t seen Starsky him as the neighbourhood’s protector. He makes for some interesting cinema). and Hutch, the series, but after watching comes across as a surprisingly inteligent this film, I want to. Starsky, the most anal person (his bodyguards just shouldn’t be Blow: Then, more importantly it shows how of the pair, is played by Ben Stiller. While that knowledgeable...), knowledgeable The based on real life biopic of one George his whole life fell to pieces because of the Hutch, the cocky but likeable one, is played and honourable gangsters seem to be in Jung, the man usually credited for causing drug trade he was in, his alienation from by Owen Wilson. Neither of these people the minority in cinema at the moment. So the big cocaine boom in America during his family and his current incarceration for have been in anything approaching a truly Huggy Bear was a nice change. the 1970s. The film’s an entertaining trafficking. Dizzy dizzy highs, staggering good movie yet, so I was slightly dubious Surprisingly, one of the best bits of the watch with Johnny Depp rising above lows. about this film (although, having said that, film, is a Disco ‘dance-off’. Usually i hate everyone else in the film playing the The director Ted Demme died of an they were both in The Royal Tennenbaums, these scenes, they’re just plain silly and charismatic Jung - the film charting his ‘accidental cocaine induced thrombotic which is a pretty good film). Ben Stiller was unnecesary, this one is good, if only for beginnings as a marijuana pusher to his heart attack’ in 2002, a point definitely in both Mystery Men and Orange County, Owen Wilson’s comments, and Ben Stillers climb to cocaine importer. worthy of mention. neither of them capable of generating the reaction to the verdict. interest this film has, and both of them with With some nice one-liners and a great hit-or-miss humour, which i found tedious. soundtrack (Johnny Cash Features on it, Requiem For A Dream: Most importantly the film avoid becoming Owen Wilson has been in Shanghai Knights what else do you want?), this film is 100 While there are a fair few films out there a life-less TV movie through Darren and High Noon, both of which were carried minutes of fun, shooting, fighting and showing the horrors of drug addiction, Aranofsky’s refreshing visual style (not as by Jackie Chan’s name, mildly amusing stuff blowing up (ok, maybe i exagerate social decline and similar, of the films I’ve you’d expect in a film about drug addiction but not especially good in any respect. The the blowing stuff up part). All you could seen I think Requiem For A Dream is the there are hardly any scenes where you director himself, a Mr. Todd Phillips, is also want from a film. Well worth the time and best anti-drugs film going. actually see the characters taking drugs – I lacking an illustrious history (the high point money. It’s the 2nd film by Darren Aranofsky and think there’s one at the end, either that or being Road Trip). As for Snoop Dogg? The Finally: Keep an eye out for the cast of is an adaptation of the book by Hubert my memory’s going – all the other times a only film he’s done which i have watched is the series... The original Starsky and Hutch Selby Jnr., the plot being the lives of repeating montage is invoked to represent Training Day, in which he has a cameo as a make a cameo, making for the most cheesy four interconnected individuals in Coney the consumption) with innovative use of drug dealer. Excellent film. part of the film (seriously, it made my Island, N.Y. and how they all succumbed split-screen, montage, fish-eye lenses and Anyway, you’re here to read about Starsky stomach churn), but i suppose that’s what to their addictions watching each of their other camera effects. and Hutch, not the people involved. the 70s are all about? lives dissolve away. On a small side note the music’s top- Starsky And Hutch begins with an opening If this film was a meal, it would be: Despite the quite harrowing subject notch as well with former Pop Will Eat scene depicting the bad guy (Vince Vaughn) Cheese and ham on toast matter the film is one that definitely needs Itself main-man Clint Mansell working being a bit of a bastard. It shows that he is (at Very cheesy, with a helping of ham, but watching. It has everything going for with the famous Kronos Quartet to create least a little) crazy, which allows the writer nevertheless, very tasty, although not quite it, the script crafted out by author Selby the movie’s score. The main theme from to explain away him being thoroughly stupid enough of it. Yum and director Aranofsky is superb and the film later ended up being played over for most of the rest of the film - which was they definitely got themselves some great the recent Lord of the Rings trailers. acting talent for the roles (Ellen Burstyn Also check out Aranofsky’s first film, was Oscar nominated for her role as the Pi, numbers, maths & religion – an lonely TV-obsessed widow who slowly outstanding film, don’t let the black & falls into a drug addiction of her own). white stock put you off.

Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas: two hotels, hallucinate their way through Johnny Depp again, being great and Casinos, Police conventions and the such in this adaptation of Rolling Stone general scary vista that is Las Vegas. Duke journalist Hunter S. Thompson’s book isn’t even sure if he covered the race. about a journalist’s drugged up coverage Despite the lack of actual plot, the film of a motorcycle race in Las Vegas... Or is faithful to the original (and very good it’s about his search for the ‘American indeed) book of the same name. Directed Dream’. Not even the protagonist Raoul by ex-Python Terry Gilliam the film’s an Duke, Dr of Journalism knows, as he and astounding visual treat with odd visuals his attorney Dr Gonzo speed towards Las and a deal of excellent cinematography. Vegas in a red convertible overflowing Johnny Depp and Benicio Del Torro with various narcotics. are outstanding as the troublesome pair The film is a sort of movie length trip of Duke and Gonzo as the drug addled where the pair fraud their way through centres of the film. Go watch it. 18 March 2004 LITERATURE 19 Extra Terrestrial - The Week Ahead

One week… 19 films in Extra-terrestrial… Average of 90 minutes a film… That’s like 1710 minutes… OULTON B

DITOR or 28 1⁄2 hours… or nearly 1 1/4 days! That’s a lot of entertainment oozing forth from that licence fee EIL E N Y ILM you’re paying (or you should be paying… damn criminals) Enjoy. B F

BBC2 | Stella Street – The Movie | Michael Caine , Jack Nicholson, Al Pacino, David Bowie, Thursday 18th March 10:40pm – Mick and Keith from the Stones all appear to have moved to the London suburb of Stella 12:20am Street. Well, that’s how the BBC comedy series went, most of the roles being played by Five | Bachelor Party | They planned on throwing Tom Hanks the bachelor party to end all John Sessions or Phil Cornwell. This would be a movie version of the same thing then. 10:20pm - bachelor parties, all started off well (despite the fact most of his bride-to-be’s family & 12:30am friends hated him) then various spanners get added to various works and the party of a life BBC1 | Hard Target | John Woo action fi lm with Van Damme doing the fl exing. That’s all you time turns into something far more out of hand. Early Tom Hanks comedy. 11:15pm – need to know really. Action/Thrills/Awful Dialogue & Acting abound. 12:55am BBC1 | The Fury | Brian De Palma fi lm about psychic children being trained into war weapons by a 12:30am – shadowy US agency. Kirk Douglas plans on tearing the agency a new one when they kidnap Channel 4 | Educating Rita | Michael Caine & Judie Walters star in this fi lm which is one of the many 2:25am his psychically gifted son. He can’t do it alone and enlists the help of another similarly gifted 12:55am – adaptations of Shaw’s Pygmalion (It’s company includes ‘My Fair Lady’ and the awful youngster to help rescue his kidnapped son. 2:50am ‘She’s All That’), Michale Caine playing the teacher who encourages Walters to climb the social ladder. Friday 19th March 2004 Monday 22th March 2004 Five | Blue Jean Cop | A legal attorney and renegade cop team up to stop a corrupt cop, not exactly 11:40pm – the usual pairing for a buddy action movie. Nothing especially new, but people get shot and Five | Alive | A plane carrying a Uruguayan rugby team crashes in the Andes, while waiting rescue 1:25am things get ruined. Everything you could ask for in an action fi lm really. Comes nowhere close 9:00pm – they hear over the radio that the search for their survivors has been called off. And they’ve to touching Die Hard. 11:25pm run out of food. The fi lm tells of their survival as they’re forced to eat their dead teammates to survive… BBC1 | Psychomania | Young people... a group of bicycle riding young ne’er-do-wells calling 1:40am – themselves the ‘Living Dead’, after having a brief chat with a daemon (Frog… a frog BBC1 | Hollywood Greats | Not a fi lm, but another ‘Jonathan Ross looking at the career of…’ short 3:05am daemon), enter into an unusual suicide pact, the members killing themselves one by one. 10:35pm – documentary. This week they’re looking at the career of ‘The Duke’, John Wayne. Should They expected eternal life, but got something a bit different. Includes a scene with a bicycle 11:15pm be a nice bit of short entertainment for fans of Marion. roaring out of a grave… odd. Channel 4 | 11: Urban Legend | There’s a campus killer on the loose who’s making urban legends, like Saturday 20th March 2004 00pm – the one about a psycho with an axe stepping into the backseat of your car at the gas station 12:50am when not looking, into reality. Bad next-generation slasher that tried to ride the ‘Scream’ Five | Philadelphia | Tom Hanks is a gay lawyer stricken with AIDS who seeks assistance from wave to glory. Failure was it’s reward. 10:55pm – Denzel Washington’s homophobic personal injury attorney when his prestigious Philadelphia 1:15am law fi rm wrongly fi res him for incompetence. This look at AIDS and it’s effect on people BBC1 | The Shootist | Sort of apt John Wayne fi lm to be showing. Wayne is a dying gunslinger bagged Mr. Hanks an Oscar (Springsteen got one for the song as well). 11:15pm – trying to die with dignity but his appearance in the town of Carson City sets off some locals 12:55am wanting to be the man who killed a legend. In real life John was dying from cancer at the ITV | Quicksilver Highway | Cut & Shut cinema. 2 short stories one after the other, one written by time and this ended up being the last fi lm he made. 12:30am – Clive Barker, the other by Stephen King linked together thinly by Christopher Lloyd. One’s 2:05am called “Chattering Teeth” and the other’s about a pair of hands which rebel against their Tuesday 23rd March body. It is 12:30 in the morning… and I haven’t seen Tales From The Crypt in ages. BBC1 | Disturbing Behaviour | When a young man moves to a new town and fi nds out he doesn’t Sunday 21st March 2004 11:35pm – fi t in, he gets to know some similar outcasts and discovers the popular kids are lobotomised 12:55am zombies. Then it turns out they’re next, soon to enter into their world of perfect behaviour. Five | Charlie’s Angels | Today would appear to be 70s revival day movies-wise. This would be the Starting strong the fi lm descends into basic slasher-type violence. 8:00pm – cinematic reinvention of the TV show of the same name where 3 beautiful ass-kicking types 9:55pm working for a mysterious boss get into various feats of peril and tight clothing. The plot has Wednesday 24th March something to do with stolen software and espionage… probably irrelevant. BBC2 | Last Tango In Paris | While looking for an apartment, Jeanne (Schnieder), a beautiful Channel 4 | Shaft | Next up on the remake train is the legendary Shaft. After a racially motivated killing 11:20pm – young Parisienne, encounters Paul (Brando), a mysterious American mourning his wife’s 10:00pm – the rich perpetrator skips the country, now back to stand trial Shaft’s on a race against time to 1:30am recent suicide. Drawn to each other, they have a stormy, passionate affair, in which they 11:50pm fi nd the one witness who’ll help put the slimy murdering-type away. Samuel L. Jackson plays do not reveal their names to each other. This is that fi lm with the sex scene that gave us the the titular detective in a fi lm that bares only a glancing resemblance to the original. phrase “Get the butter”. Five | Starsky & Hutch – The Movie | Another remake… Hey wait, no. This is from the 70s, a BBC1 | Brannigan | John Wayne in an action police movie alongside Richard Attenborough, 9:55pm – movie version of the titular detective types with the fancy car and stuff. Ties in nicely to the 11:35pm – Wayne being an American cop who has travelled to England to retrieve a wayward mobster. 11:30pm review on the other page. Expect criminals to be busted and the day to be saved by Starsky 1:25am John’s going to bring a bit of American law to stuffy old England in order to get his man and Hutch. back in the states where he belongs. Quite a modern fi lm for the Duke, famous for his work in the fi eld of ‘Western’.

Friday 19 March To Thursday 25 March

STARSKY & HUTCH (15) [1hr 41min] 27min] Friday 12:40 13:40 15:15 16:15 18:00 MONA LISA SMILE (12A) [1hr 59min] Fri-Sun 12:00 14:10 16:30 19:00 20:45 21:45 Daily 11:45 14:45 17:45 20:50 Monday only 12:00 14:10 16:30 Saturday 11:05 12:40 13:40 15:15 16:15 18:00 19:00 20:45 21:45 ALONG CAME POLLY (12A) [1hr 30min] LOST IN TRANSLATION (15) [1hr 42min] Sunday 11:15 12:40 13:40 15:15 16:15 4.30pm on Friday and 9.20pm on Tuesday Fri -Tues & Thu 18:45 21:20 18:00 19:00 20:45 21:35 Fri & Sat 11:25 13:50 16:30 19:00 21:30 Mon-Thu 12:40 13:40 15:15 16:15 18:00 Sun-Thu 13:15 15:45 19:00 21:20 LOONEY TUNES: BACK IN ACTION 19:00 20:45 21:35 (PG) [1hr 39min] HONEY (PG) [1hr 34min] Fri-Sun 12:40 15:00 OPEN RANGE (12A) [2hr 19min] Free list suspended Daily 14:05 17:10 20:25 Daily 13:05 15:35 18:10 20:35 DAWN OF THE DEAD (TBC) [0hr 0min] Fri & Sat 17:00 19:20 21:50 THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST (18) [2hr SCHOOL OF ROCK (PG) [1hr 49min] 7min] Daily 12:45 15:25 18:10 20:55 UNDER THE TUSCAN SUN (12A) [1hr Now Booking for performances from Friday 53min] March 26th SOMETHING’S GOTTA GIVE (12A) [2hr Advance Screening Sunday 17:50 20:25 Free list suspended 8min] Advance Screening Wednesday 11:30 14:25 Monday only 14:10 17:30 20:30 CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN (PG) [1hr 17:35 20:50 Tuesday only 14:10 17:30 20:30 38min] Advance Screening Thursday 11:30 14:25 Fri - Wed 12:00 17:35 20:50 THE HAUNTED MANSION (PG) [1hr 20 MUSIC 18 March 2004

Amy Winehouse In My Bed (Island) Adapting the well Reactor’s Feeling The Love (EMI Thirteen used Apache drum break, most Liberty) is the song from the new Senses kick off this weeks recently utilized in Nas’s Made Lynx Touch adverts (Nipples, single selection with the Sugababes In U Look, Amy beautifully pours shirts un-buttoning, general fi lth), tremendous Thru the Glass The Middle (Island her sultry honey-laden voice drums and random percussion (Mercury Records). Records) is instantly on yet another amazing single, lead things with help from some It features a fantastic piercing engaging, and although not from her equally impressive fairly chunky guitar and all is guitar riff that seems to jump quite as infectious as Hole In the album. As always, this song is a well for the fi rst minute. Then you out at you from behind the singlesHead the two are very similar pleasure to listen to, from such realise it just keeps going. Longer simplistic organ lines and tender The in style. There are some great an extraordinarily talented young than the acceptable fi rst minute vocals, resulting in a track fabulous contrasts between loud and soft lady. Wiley Wot Do from the advert. The B-side’s that the current collection of Scissor Sisters open and also between the number U Call It? (XL) Sounding like more standard rock than the A- mellow indie bands would do with George Michael of voices singing, which create an even worse version of Dizee side, too bad it sounds like a left well to listen to and learn from. ‘Faith’ guitar in the 80’s glam an unusually refreshing texture Rascal (is that possible?), Wiley over from the mid-nineties. Carrying on with the mellow Take Your Mama (Polydor). Take within the constraints of a pop really shouldn’t have bothered McFly’s 5 Colours In Her Hair trend, the next track is Magnet Your Mama, has the lot, catchy song. I imagine that this will be a recording this track. Fair enough, (Universal/Island) is another song & Gemma Hayes’ interpretation melodies encouraging the body another massive hit fro the sassy pop fans and garage fans alike that sounds like a blast from the of Bob Dylan’s Lay Lady Lay to groove to this irresistible trio. will buy this, but to anyone else, sixties - It even has ‘doop-doo’s (Ultimate Dilemma). cross-over pop. Aqualung Easier To Lie (B- this unkempt melee of sounds in it. Far more tolerable than their It’s all very nice and orchestral, The White Stripes return with Unique Records) sees Matt Hales is merely aural torture. Nelly label/tour buddies Busted, it just but to be honest that’s all there forth single There’s No Home produce yet another ‘haunting Furtado Try (Dreamworks) sounds like they’ve ripped apart is to talk about! Good stuff For You Here (Xlrecording) ballad’, that sounds pretty similar Sounding very Dawson’s Creek- the past to build something new though. Moving us up a gear is to be taken from the critically to the rest of his output. Easier ish, this surprisingly middle of the and vapid for the future. Then the The Boxer Rebellion. In Pursuit acclaimed Elephant nearly a year To Lie features the customary road offering from Ms. Furtado ‘doop-doo’s kick in again. Bouncy (Poptones) seems on from its release. This mind combination of piano and acoustic is disappointing to say the least. almost-rock bubble-gum pop. And to have a relaxed feel about blowing single is nothing more guitars, which support Hales’ Background or elevator music, they assure us they can play their it, whilst still containing a than magnifi cent, the Stripes at somewhat whiney vocal line. or something Joey and Dawson own instruments. Syntax’s superb guitar crescendo and their absolute fi nest. Unfortunately, This song doesn’t would break up to. Message (Illustrious Records) is vocals like a smoother version Did they not split up years ago? really go anywhere. Counting corin douieb. very atmospheric, dark and dancy, of The Cooper Temple Clause The Divine Comedy luckily Crows Hanginaround (Geffen) sounding a little like Massive singer Ben Gautrey’s epic nasal are back with the striking intro that sounds rather similar Attack meeting Rob Dougan It’s the base line that lets you grate. To fi nish off, well fi rst Come Home Billy Bird (EMI) a to Fatboy Slim’s Praise You, this under amiable circumstances. The know N*E*R*D are back. With of all we will have to turn the surprise package with the charm song has been re-released to fi rst focuses on the ambience with new single She Wants to Move stereo down, because Graham associated with the experienced coincide with the release of singing & almost-rapping guiding (Virgin) they have a little rock Coxon’s self confessed ‘no more Diviners. Come Home Billy Bird their ‘best-of’ album and it along, but the B-side Bliss is far guitar and piano to accompany Mr Lo-Fi’ direction just seems feels like it should not work but tour. Despite the players’ more rock orientated with more Pharrell’s singing style rap. They to sound so much louder than it certainly does and in some sheer energy and guitar presence and more driving may be the most in demand everything else. Freakin’ Out noticeable style. enthusiasm this song drums added to the mix. I haven’t producers of the moment and (Transcopic) matt badcock is not particularly heard new stuff in a similar ilk for they don’t loose their selling is the best piece of guitar solo interesting, though a while, very good. power when working on their own fi lled old-skool punk since the Basement Jaxx (XL Recording) the vocals are neil boulton release the third single tracks. This is what you would heyday of The Buzzcocks and very expressive. The Sex Pistols. It seems that ‘Plug it in’ from their latest album louise expect from the boys. ‘Kish Kash’, and very good it Another uber producer now Coxon is fi nally out of o’neill. The Naked Apes’s Wasted is too, although perhaps lacking by the name of Timberland helps Damon Albarn’s shadow he (Renegade) is another dose of pop the ‘X-factor’ to make it a big out Bubba Sparxxx prove that can, and will, play whatever the punk from Reading, best described hit, you’d be better off getting he is more than just ‘Ugly’ in hell he wants to. Forget about as a cross between a Blink182 the album, unlike Delays (Rouge his new track Deliverance (Beat old Blur, new Blur, Gorillaz or and Bowling for Soup. The lyrics Trade), who offer Club/Interscope Records). This even Mali Music, letting all this seem to require little thought but an excellent tune, echoing the southern white rapper may not aggression build up inside his the tunes are catchy. It’s not a bad best bits of ‘JJ72’ and ‘The La’s’ overthrow Eminem and claim his guitarist seems to be the best song but it’s not great either, fairly to produce something special. crown, but he does make for good musical contribution that Albarn similar to other pop punk hitting Another in a long line of hyped listening. Mixin’ it up throwing has ever made. the charts. 3 Doors Down, young British acts, The Needles country and classic hip-hop jon allen Here Without You (Republic (Dangerous Records) beats together with his white boy Records) is a modern rock ballad release an extremely fast rhyming proves to be the right from the Canadian band, that can only be described as a sort of cross and furious set of songs on their combination. between Finch and Nickelback. Not a particularly good song as far as ’Under the City EP’, which huff From southern rap to Scottish it is quite a sad song, but with some uplifting points. The problem is and puff along nicely, but fail to rock Hidingplace (RCA) with that the song can go unnoticed overall, due to the fact it is very similar spark. the release of their self-titled EP. all the way through. Next is Hundred Reasons with What You matt fi sher Surprisingly bringing more to the table than expected. This is great Get (Colombia) The (relatively) local band releases another single, rock, edgy riffs that could rival What You Get, another dose of melodic emo-rock. The opening riff is even Nickelback. Paul McCallions very catchy and grungy, before the verse shows a more stereophonics- vocals help to demonstrate, with esque style. As the chorus begins with the opening riff it shows it has Chris Cornell style, the makings the usual hooks and the vocals are as distinct as ever. Art Brut of a success. This is a band that is are a small indie punk band that are so proud of forming a band they sure to do well for itself. wrote a song about it, called Formed a Band (Rough Trade Records). dina mystris Unfortunately it’s not very good. In fact they sound like your average garage band that consists of children from the local college. It’s a pity because the b-side Bad Weekend is much better. Vinny Miller’s Breaking Out of Your Arms (4AD) is a simple and soft ballad, from a albums these pages were brought to you man surrounded by much myth. One of his well known fans is Mary- by: Matt Badcock, Louise ONeill, Ann Hobbs, and he has recorded a session for her Breezeblock show Peter Wigfield, Neil Boulton, Corin in the past. However if you were to hear it you would be slightly Douieb, Matt Fisher and Jon Allen confused as to what he was trying to achieve. peter wigfi eld with design by ickle sarah 18 March 2004 MUSIC 21

THE LOVES THE DIVINE COMEDY LOVE ABSENT FRIENDS The Track & Field Organisation Parlophone CRACKOUT OH NO! Apparently The Loves are Now solely the project of singer Hut Records “impeccably scuzzed-up Neil Hannon, ‘The Divine bubblegum pop” (Scuzz being Comedy’ release an album full albumsDELAYS It seems that the perpetually HAVEN a very ‘in’ word at the moment) of beautiful sweeping orchestral ADED EASIDE songs with story book lyrics F S touring Crackout have fi nally ALL FOR A but in reality they’re the sound LAMOUR predominately depicting stories G found time to record their second REASON of a Gap advert gone horribly Rough Trade album. It appears to follow a Radiate Records wrong. A sickeningly jaunty sugar of characters dealing with the slightly more mature direction packed sixties sound forced into loss of love, or the gaining of a Southampton based, Delays than their debut, although Big After an illness-induced your ears with all the subtlety of new relationship. Although not release their long-awaited Dumb Rock is still what they do hiatus, Haven fi nally release a sledgehammer – The band even a hip new band, ‘The Divine debut, Faded Seaside Glamour best, as shown by their last single their follow up to Between The dress up to look like they sound. Comedy’ are a class act, and set to propel them into the This Is What We Do and Out Of Senses which was originally The forced cuteness of it makes fans will love this return of style limelight. Awakening the beast, Our Minds, which are probably due in the autumn of last year. me feel dirty. But, hell, you may to their mid to late 90’s heyday. the atmospheric Wanderlust, the stand out tracks on the album. For an album partly produced like it, for some reason John Peel Standout tracks include fi rst is lush oozing with steel Some of the slower songs do have and co-written by Johnny Marr, does, and that’s enough for most single ‘Come home Billy Bird’ drums and harmonic vocals. quite a good punch to them, like it’s pretty much exactly what I people. Indie pop from the sixties, and ‘Our Mutual Friend’; which Re-released, current single, All This Colour, which is a very would have expected, excellently but now. Ack. The last song’s tells of an unfortunate evening Nearer Than Heaven is the good tune even though it does formed big hearted indie fronted (…Love) 7 minute organ assault when the author thought he had star attraction with a strong seem to rip off Polythene-era by Gary Briggs’ soaring vocals, combined with the horrifi c ‘love found love through a friend, only chorus that will no doubt be Feeder. All in all it’s an album that with quite a few of the tracks is something you need’ lyrical to lose the girl to his now-ex the needed breakthrough. The shows some promise, but not a seeming to hark back to mid 90’s onslaught will make you want to friend. m.f Delays attract comparisons huge amount more. j.a. Britpop bands like Dodgy and The go out and sin. n.b. from a mellow JJ72 to the Seahorses, especially the likes of La’s, led by feminine sounding Something Moved Me and Have vocals (actually a bloke). The YELLOWCARD No Fear, although that’s not as THE VINES exciting start is continued OCEAN AVENUE bad as it sounds! If you like the Winning Days Reviewer Profile by the refreshing Long Time Capitol existing crop of ‘nice’ music Capitol Records Coming backed by eerie that’s doing the rounds, then it’s guitars breezes along held as If you like punk this is the band for defi nitely worth a pop.j.a. The Australian quartet are back the entirety of the album is by you. Fast guitars, fast drums and with the follow-up to their luscious vocals. Musically the in their case fast violin create the massive-selling debut Highly Delays are sublime, creating backboard for the usual screamy, DREW Evolved. Winning Days is actually this charismatic atmospheric hyper male vocals. There’s nothing SONGS FROM THE DEVIL’S CHIMNEY a bit of a disappointment. Despite sound with a hint of attitude, too different about this band, in Source the trademark crystal clear vocals will have to prove they have the fact they seem to be a combination of Craig Nicholls, the songs are badcock matt commercial ability they duly of all the favourites, Good Well…there’s a defi nite far less catchy and unfortunately deserve. A soundtrack to the Charlotte, The Ataris and Blink Carpenters infl uence here! From an air of monotony prevails. Five albums I can’t live summer, Faded Seaside Glamour 182. The violin is a nice touch and listening to this album it strikes The high point is the title track, without is a fi ne debut.m.b. brings to life the song Believe, me that there is an overall lack which features Beach Boys-esque Badly Drawn Boy – Hour Of where it almost gives off a county of musicianship within the ‘Oooohs’ as backing vocals. l.o The Bwilderbeast, Touching vibe. The album progressively players. I’m not sure whether debut from this excellent singer GUNS N ROSES gets better as you move through the backing vocalists are aware songwriter GREATEST HITS the tracks and on a couple more of what key the singer is in and Vinny Miller | ON THE BLOCK 4 Hero – Two Pages, Brooding Geffen listens it proved to be pretty there are also some rather strange (4AD) Sounding vaguely like a fresh and exciting sound entertaining. There is nothing moments concerning the rhythm, more twisted Radiohead, Vinny Lemon Jelly – KY, Innovative Collection of the greatest hits really groundbreaking here but (especially in track two). There Miller produces a contemplative chilled dance at its absolute from the gutter rock legends, nothing that would make you give is a very amateur feel in terms of and excruciatingly dark album. fi nest although they aren’t quite their it a red card either. d.m. the recording of the songs – there Bordering on painfully strange, Oasis – Whats The Story best songs it contains all the seems to be an overall lack of each grimy, heavy-acoustic guitar- Morning Glory, One of the singles. This also explains laden track mixes in to the next, WINNEBAGO DEAL balance, with the lead vocals defi ning albums of the Nineties the number of covers on as his vocals get progressively GEORGE DICKEL EP often being obscured Roni Size – New Forms, Took the album, as songs such as more perturbing, and the music Double Dragon by the piano. Very Drum&Bass to another level Knockin’ on Heavens Door were similar to a new more electronic and less melodic. Best Compilation ever very successful for the band. Despite this, the album proves Two men, both called Ben, from band’s demo 2 Many DJ’s – as heard on radio However the thing I really like to be uncannily intriguing, and Oxford, one plays drums and l.o soulwax pt.2, Soundtrack to any about this collection is that each disturbingly addictive. Give this a the other plays guitar. And they worthy party album is quite fairly represented, listen, but make sure there are no make a big noise. Sort of like First gig I went to and the inclusion of the very objects in your close vicinity that the White Stripes of metal (only The Fugees @ Birmingham good Rolling Stones cover of could be used as weaponry. c.d. the drummer’s talented…) Their NEC Sympathy for the Devil, which brand new EP sees more of the Best live act I have ever seen is otherwise only included on a same stuff that they laid out on REM @ Glastonbury 1999 soundtrack. If you own lots of Plata O Plomo, big guitar riffs, big My tip for 2004 Guns ‘n’ Roses this will only be drums, with a shouting/screaming Delays, a mellow JJ72 set to for if you are a completest, if accompaniment. Songs include make an impact you don’t then this could the 50 second scream ‘Missing ‘Rock star’ I would most like be what you need. In Action’, the rock-to-feedback to be p.w. ‘Redneck’ and the turbo-charged Flea – Red Hot Chilli Peppers albums ‘Snakerama’. Every one of the fi ve Album that I should have tracks is a winner - very highly thrown away, but haven’t recommended. n.b. Lighthouse Family – Ocean Drive – Even the second hand music shop wouldn’t take it off me! 22 THEATRE 18 March 2004 surreytheatre z i p p @ the yvonne arnaud

Theatre editor Daisy Clay spends the night being entertained by ex-Tory MP Gyles Brandreth at Guildford’s Yvonne Arnaud, where she is pleasantly surprised and highly amused…

Conservative MP (no really, please keep reading, it’s not that bad) Gyles Brandreth who you may recognise from his recent stint as host of Have I Got News For You. I initially had my doubts as to his ability in such a comic role, fearing his chilling resemblance to Neil Hamilton. Nevertheless, with some genius script writing and some clever ad-libbing Brandreth had me laughing so hard that it hurt minutes after the play began (although in places I should admit that the

“laughing so hard that it hurt”

The concept in itself struck me as pain I experienced was not from laughing (a most useful talent I am sure). Also quickly realised that had I wanted to hear practically guaranteeing a night of pure – some of Brandreth’s jokes were just plain appearing on stage were two leading ladies some of my favourite musical numbers entertainment – 100 musicals performed painful). and musical accompaniment on the piano. sung in the way that had left such a lasting in just 90 minutes. Now obviously the The company immediately established In their attempt to capture the world of impression with me in the fi rst instance, intention was not to simply perform one a rapport with every audience member musicals in just one evening this involved then this was not the place for it. This is not hundred West End and Broadway musicals through their description of what was to various scenes in which the entire works to say however, that I did not enjoy Zipp! in their entirety at an incomprehensible and come that evening. This play is perfect for of one playwright/musician/director was – I loved it. As the Daily Mail put it, Zipp! humanly impossible speed. For the sake of those of you who love musicals as you are crammed into a very short space of time. is “a witty and often hysterically funny entertainment, the company had in mind able to relive moments from all of your For example, the complete works of cabaret for those who both dislike musicals the idea of performing tiny snippets from favourite shows…and this play is perfect Andrew Lloyd Webber were performed in and love them to death”. many musicals, all from the last century. for those of you who hate musicals as you just 60 seconds. The reinvention of Cats – Zipp! also contained many bouts of can get the whole experience over and done where the theme of cats was replaced with spontaneity, where the audience were with in 90 minutes and never have to see a socks – was original to say the least. Well I invited to infl uence which musicals “the bluffer’s guide to musical again! laughed my socks off anyhow… would appear in the countdown from Alongside Brandreth were four other cast This leads me on to the important point 100. This involved a select few audience musicals” members including Andrew C. Wadsworth, that I must make. It became clear early on members choosing various characters whose vocals, in my opinion, absolutely in the performance that the writers of Zipp! that have appeared in musicals, and the stole the show. He never missed a single company’s task was eventually to think of This original sounding conception actually note, and had the ability to sing at almost a musical that contained all of the different derived from the Reduced Shakespeare “a witty and often hysterically any pitch, including falsetto, as well as characters. This made for a rather original Company with their compacted rendition being able to sing in a German accent funny cabaret for those who interpretation of The Sound of Music. of the entire works of Shakespeare in 97 As the musical of musicals drew near to minutes (among other shows including both dislike musicals and love an end and there was less than ten minutes The Bible: the complete word of God them to death” in which to perform another twenty – abridged). Having been running for musicals it seemed that time was against some time in the West End now, the the cast. Would they be able to succeed in R.S.C. (no, not the Royal Shakespeare may not actually be the musical fanatics what they had set out to achieve? Surely Company) have had great success with that one might assume given their choice it was not possible that they would fail to their show – and Zipp! has now stepped of a show reliant upon musicals. In fact, perform all 100 musicals in 90 minutes. Of into its very own limelight. Direct from the at points in Zipp! it is palpably clear that course that would never happen! It would West End, the P.M.T. Company (Pocket some of the musicals included in the show be a bit of a cop out if it did wouldn’t it?! Musical Theatre – “the Ryanair of musical are perhaps loathed with a passion. That So hooray, they managed to some how fi t theatre”) brought their show to Guildford is, upon hearing the opening chords of them all in, in time for the clock alarm to last week and successfully entertained the some of my favourite musical songs (one sound signalling the end of the 90 minutes entire auditorium on it’s sell-out opening song from Blood Brothers in particular) and the end of a play that was thoroughly night. The fact that the opening night was my excitement at another chance to hear enjoyed by all. This wholly entertaining a sell-out in little ole’ Guildford is a clear a much-loved number was immediately musical experience was suitable for anyone, indicator of the play’s reputation. dashed, and the solitary line that was sung regardless of whether they liked or loathed Anyway, on with the show as they say. was totally decimated. This occurred on a musicals! Written, devised by and starring ex- number of occasions during the play, and I 18 March 2004 LITERATURE 23

An exploration of Choderlos de Laclos’ contraversial novel set in 18th century france, by Literature Editor Jen Walker Literature:LiterLes Liaisonsatur Dangereusese: Probably famed for the the Marquise de Mertueil and also seeks her affections, but both numerous fi lm adaptations made the Viscount de Valmont, both as she and him are good and shy and by Hollywood including its debauched and manipulative as don’t even dare to think about sex. modernised teen fl ick “Cruel the other. Being bored aristocrats, But the Marquise keeps trying to Intentions” or for the theatrical they make sexual intrigue a set them up in a situation where adaptation by Christopher business where they both benefi t the temptation will be strong, but Hampton, the original text by from honour. It is not even fails due to the innocent nature Laclos depicts the decadent and something they do for pleasure, of the lovers. So instead she debauched lives of the aristocracy but for success and status, and persuades Valmont to seduce the in 18th century France. Published their vanity. girl. in 1782, it caused a lot of Valmont has his own issues with controversy at its release as it was regard to women, initially as a deemed “satanic” and “amoral”. It is interesting that a bet with the Marquise, he has to However despite this outrage, it seduce the prudish Presidente became a bestseller of its time; it book depicting the de Touvel. But on his journey was widely debated and discussed aristocracy to be to seduce that prudish yet pretty amongst society, and ladies used lady, he falls in love with her. to lock their doors to read it, it so depraved, was However his history of bastard- was even known that Marie- published shortly ness and immorality plays against Antoinette kept a copy of this oh before the revolution him, and even though his feeling so naughty book. Eventually in are sincere, his efforts just 1824 the book was condemned occurred become harder. to be destroyed as it was seen to It is interesting that a book be “dangerous” and “a work of depicting the aristocracy to be so revolting immorality”. The Marquise’s lover is going to depraved, was published shortly marry a virginal fourteen/fi fteen The fi rst thing I noticed when before the revolution occurred. on prudish, but it’s the spotlight respected in a way, but is still a year old girl, Cecile, she is furious reading this book, was the form The debauched lifestyles of the on the principle characters that selfi sh quality. and as revenge she plots for her in which it was written in; that aristocrats really was the driving cause the book to stereotype The most interesting thing about to lose her virginity before she the whole book was written in force behind the revolution, the aristocracy as being selfi sh, the letter writing form, is that is married. Valmont also has a letters. This was interesting, as the which is ironically what the amoral hedonists. I think the while the general story and the mission and that is the sexual letter writing allowed the writer to book is about. To be fair, most main point of controversy is the interactions of the characters (who conquest of Madame de Tourvel, depict his characters more clearly of the characters in the book are seduction of Cecile de Volanges, I suppose you could call victims), a married, innocent woman. and three dimensionally. The Two fairly normal, respectable people, even now it is quite a sore topic makes the principle characters The young girl Cecile de Volanges main characters of the book are with some of them bordering as the age of the girl (being about seem kind and caring, their letters loves Chevalier Danceny, who fourteen/fi fteen), could be thought show their true natures. There of as paedophilic and sick (even is a general tone of bitchiness though in those days girls were felt between the Marquise and married off at an early age) it’s the Valmont, eloquently written WIN A PHONE, T SHIRT AND ALBUM cold blooded way she is seduced, insults that can be found to be really as a tool used as revenge extremely amusing. The only DJ John Digweed is set to mix up a storm in Surrey | The Bedrock Student on another man. But despite disadvantage of the letter writing Tour powered by Nokia arrives at the University of Surrey Students’ Union. his apparent wickedness and style is the possible boredom depravity, Valmont begins to grow factor. 18th century letters are Nokia has joined forces with DJ John Digweed for the Bedrock Student Tour, arriving a conscience by the end of the wordy, and if you think wordy at Surrey on Wednesday 24 March. From 9pm, John and fellow Bedrock DJs will be book, unfortunately this cannot is basically writing non txt mssg demonstrating the legendary club night’s unique brand of house and breaks, and offering be said for the Marquise who styl, think again, think essays. It is students the ultimate soundtrack to a Wednesday night. So make sure you get down there remains as much of a two faced extremely hard to read, and with early to avoid disappointment. bitch as she is at the beginning. the attention span of the modern The main theme of the book reader, not particularly interesting. USSU is just one of 20 dates on the Bedrock Tour powered by Nokia, so if you miss John is libertinism or anti-morality. While it does have a gripping and and the Bedrock team on the 24th you can catch them at another UK dance capital. The characters view their intriguing plot of sex, drugs and conducts as being a game, and rock and roll of the 18th century For your chance to win a t-shirt, a copy signed copy of the latest Bedrock Album their philosophy of life is to aristocracy, the writing style and latest Nokia handset, simply email the answer to the following question to act as they please. They feel does put you off. However if you [email protected] by Thursday 25th March: superior to religion and accepted think you can take the hardcore morality, and they rebel against letter writing, then I defi nitely What night will the Bedrock tour be hitting Surrey? their confi ned and constricted recommend you read it as it is a social expectations, which can be damn good story. 24 LIFESTYLE 18 March 2004 Word Search b pub quiz As we brought you a mr men crossword last week, for the f sake of equality this week Ben Berryman brings you a What was the name of Dick TTurpin’surpin’s horse? little miss themed wordsearch. We’re being way too nice, 1 By Ben Berryman but once again we’ve given you a list of all the names. Who is the minstrel in Robin Hood’sHood’s band of merry men?

NAUGHTY NEAT QUICK SCATTERBRAIN SHY SOMERSAULT SPLENDID 2 BOSSY BRAINY BUSY CHATTERBOX CONTRARY CURIOUS DOTTY What are the fi rstrst wordswords ofof WWinnie-the-Poohinnie-the-Pooh afterafter hehe wakeswakes upup eacheach morning?morning? S Y D L G B X H S S N M S E C 3 L C N I J I E S O T A U Y L H Who4 provides the voice of WWoodyoody in the ‘T‘Toyoy story’ fi lms?lms? U Y A I D T G M N G A D F K A Celine Dion sang the winning song in the 1988 Eurovision Song Contest representing C S H T A N E G I I E R T C T which5 country? K U D L T R E C L E W E N I T Who6 played the title role in the fi lmlm ‘Malcolm‘Malcolm X’?X’? Y B R O S E B L R E N T R F E Is7 Hong Kong north or south of the equator? N N E A T Y R G P I S I O H R In the movie ‘Star WWars’ars’ which character reassures Luke Skywalker: “The force T E U Y E T Q B H S C D B E B 8will be with you - always”? R L B O S S Y S R O N Y B L O Who9 is the patron saint of WWales?ales? T Y R A R T N O C A T Y U P X Where would you normally fi ndnd cerumen?cerumen? C U R I O U S X U I I H T F Y 10 E S I W S Y O G N B E N S U H The answers are at the bottom of the next page. For more quizzy stuff, head down to chancellor’s on thursday at K C I U Q O H Y A V E N I L S 8.30pm for A special Arts and Culture themed Channie’s P G O P W T E L B U O R T N Y Challenge, where you can win cold hard cash!

STAR STUBBORN SUNSHINE TIDY TINY TROUBLE TWINS WISE J B L Q Y Z J N W D P X S X T [email protected] FICKLE FUN GIGGLES GREEDY HELPFUL LATE LUCKY MAGIC Ben’s joke A-MAZE-ING C o r n e r

Sam and Eric are walking through the jungle. Whilst strolling around a corner they come head to head with a lion pawing the ground. Sam ever so carefully reaches into his rucksack and slowly takes out a set of running shoes, never once breaking eye contact with the lion. Confused Eric hisses “What are you doing Sam, you can’t outrun the lion” To which Sam replies “No Eric, but I can outrun you”.

A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar getting trolleyed. A man comes in and asks him, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?” Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain. Man: So what happened that’s so horrible? Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Some things you just can’t explain. Man: Ok, but that’s not so bad. Man: So what happened then? Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left. Man: and then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. Some things you just can’t explain. Man: So, what did you do then? Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Some things you just can’t explain. Man: So, what did you do? Farmer: Well, I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.… Some things you just can’t explain. 18 March 2004 LIFESTYLE 25

Sabbatical Officers Ickle Sarah and Funkyberry give a random slice of life from their humble dwellings within Surrey Court Wey, Battersea Court Tate, and the University of Surrey Students’ Union... This week I am mostly … ot getting nearly enough beauty sleep as it is… pondering the shelf-life of Fruitcake, hoping maybe it matures AS THE END of the year draws near, and with I WOULD LIKE to start my last Rawsons’ with age! it the end of my 5 years at University, I’ve Creek by saying hi to Julia, Michele, been pondering other ‘ends’ that have taken Rachael, Hannah and Jess from Rawson 3. Crikey, the last issue of Barefacts already. I’ve no idea where the place during my 22 years of existence. The I know I have mentioned them before, but time’s gone, but then, given that I’ve yet to make a single diary entry fi rst one that comes to mind took place a they have quite possibly been the keenest this academic year I guess that’s not so surprising. It’s not even like massive 16 years ago, when I reached the readers of the column, and every Friday I don’t have a diary, I do. It’s just… well… empty. Crazy really, but grand of age of 7 and left the secure realms night without fail, they fi nd me in the Union believe it or not, I have managed to [so far successfully… touch wood] bumble through of Infant School to head to ‘big school’, and grill me over what I wrote in my column the last seven months working on an hour-by-hour basis. Not that I’d recommend this otherwise known as ‘The Juniors’. With a that week. So now I hope they will be last-minute lifestyle to anyone – getting up at ridiculous o’clock before a morning exam to couple of hours left before school fi nished eternally grateful! begin revision isn’t without potential mid-test snoozing dangers, just as resorting to alcohol for the summer holidays, my teacher (the IN about 3 months I will have fi nally to help with overdue coursework, though it may seem like a good idea at the time, runs lovely Mrs Urwin) announced to the class reached the end of my education roller- the risk of unleashing the suppressed artist within [ok, so my pictorial analysis of a piano “Now, if you’ve been very good, I might coaster ride, and I’ve been thinking back to sonata maybe wasn’t as informative as it could have been, but my it was colourful…] chose you to stay behind with me to help some of the highlights from the beginning of I kind of feel this week’s column should be a time of refl ection and reminiscence, though tidy up, whilst everyone else goes outside to the ride – primary school. Who remembers to be honest, other than bluffi ng my way through the fi nal stages of my degree and gaining play on the fi eld!” Now, I had been classed those classic BBC mini-drama programs like campus-wide reputation as the resident Fruitcake, there’s not a lot more to report. True, as a vaguely intelligent 6 year old after the Geordie Racer? The educational spelling I’ve acquired all sorts of itsy-bitsy knowledge that will no doubt serve me well in later life Infant School tests, but for some reason this programs like the one with the fl oating [dodge around car-park signs rather than try to duck under them; serve jelly in something didn’t shine through here, as I made my best pencil that wrote on the blackboard? The slightly more robust than paper cupcake-cases… that type of thing] and in many ways, efforts to cross my arms, sit up straight and cheers when “Wet-break” was announced”? I’m sure I’ve developed as a person [if nothing else, I now know better than to so much as radiate sweetness and light to the teacher. Typing “Pob can pop” into the classic Acorn sniff a double tequila and attempt to shake it like a Polaroid picture…]. Unfortunately the And so I was lucky enough to be one of computer game Pob? The psychological Sex and the City lifestyle I was hoping came with the column space has yet to materialise. those ‘chosen’ to help tidy the classroom. assumption that if you can fold your arms Disappointing really – it’s not like I’ve not tried my best. I’ve even tried writing cross- Nice. the tightest and point your elbows as high legged on my bed wearing nothing but skimpy PJs in true SJP- Manhattan-based-style - FAST forwarding 11 years sees slightly less as they can and put the most enthusiastic given that my house is colder than the average igloo, it’s a wonder I haven’t yet contracted Ickle Sarah leaving sixth form to head to puppy eyes on as possible, then the teacher pneumonia. I have had my fair share of girly lunches, that’s true, although it has taken the bright lights of University in Guildford. will choose you? Or even the painfully slow me a while to readjust to the new campus menus [ask me to list ten different sandwich In my fi nal Maths lesson, the 12 of us sat and un-enthusiastic renditions of “Morning garnishes and I still don’t think I’d come up with battered vegetables…]. Still no sign of an down in a rather happy we’re-leaving- has broken” in school assemblies? invitation to a gallery opening though, and the shoe-shopping? Well, that’s been somewhat school mood, and in walked our teacher WHENEVER it was someone’s birthday at non-existent thanks to an overstretched-to-the-point-of-collapsing bank balance. As for the carrying a box full of..... 12 tiny cactuses. my primary school, they would always bring male species - sorry girls, but that’s another sitcom fallacy: writing a column does not bring She proceeded to give us a mini lecturer along chocolates to give out before going them clamouring to your doorstep. The only men I’ve found there recently have been the on how small things grown into big things, home time. But what I never understood postman, the pizzaman and my elderly next-door-neighbour. and one must learn how to look after small is why it should be ME giving out sweets I’d like to think maybe I’ll have time to fully develop these activities next year [well, the things before one can be responsible for big when it was MY birthday? Surely it should art appreciation and fashion savviness… ok maybe the man-hunting too] but as far as I can things. We waited eagerly for the moral of be everyone else bringing the sweets for gather, life as a Sabbatical leaves little time for such whimsical frolics. In fact, the future of the story, which turned out to be this: One me?! I actually spent most of my school Angelica seems a little in the balance. Rest assured though, you sure ain’t seen the last of day in the future we might want to have a days in either the corridor, or outside the her yet. World domination may be a tricky business but where there’s a will there’s a way baby, and looking after babies is very hard Headmaster’s offi ce. One of the most and trust me, this Fruitcake can be pretty stubborn…. and responsible work. So before we could memorable sendings-out was the time I got look after a baby, we must learn to take care mad and picked up that long thin box that Catherine Lee of our very small cactus. dominos come in and angrily spun around. MY cactus came to University with me, and The problem being the box had no end, so I has survived moving in and out of campus, showered classmates all over the room with back home and to random houses around little black dotty projectiles. Those were Guildford about 10 times, and it’s suffered the days as they say, but thankfully I still only a small crack in its pot. However, I managed to lighten up some of the moments seem to have managed to get away with in lectures… like the time my maths lecturer Lyrics Quiz watering it about three times a year since asked how we would explain what pi was July 1999. I’m not sure whether that’s really to an alien – and I logically piped up with The final barefacts lyrics quiz of 2003-4 comes from Ben Berryman - no theme, just the best example to set 18 year old girls on “weebly fl obble bolggaly eeky eouggggh a mixed bag of popular, and slightly less popular lyrics! Enjoy. looking after children! – if they speak that particular dialect!”. Ah SO here ends the last ever Rawson’s well… I’m sure the big bad world of work 1. “Heavy metal and mullets it’s how we were raised, maiden and Creek in barefacts. Since September 2002 will provide equal opportunities for random priest were the gods that we praised.” I’ve written around 18,000 words for this amusement. Thanks for reading our column, 2. “Mom and Dad this is Chasey, Chasey this is my mom and dad.” column. Blimey, imagine if I’d put this and if you want to look back over what we much time into my fi nal year essays! So, bye have written, then you can fi nd them all on 3. “You live for the fight when it’s all that you’ve got” bye Rawson’s Creek - it’s been emotional! www.rawsonscreek.com 4. “Easy V, doesn’t come for free, she’s a real lady, and as for me, Ha you’ll see”

‘ickle sarah butterworth chris ‘funkyberry’ hunter 5. “You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere..” 6. “Who gots da funk? We gots da funk right, Everybody wanna boogie down tonight,”

9. Take That - Could It Be Magic, 10. Mike & The Mechanics – The Living Years Living The – Mechanics The & Mike 10. Magic, Be It Could - That Take 9. 7. “Mutilation out of sight and I’m contemplating suicide” Girl, 6.Five – If Ya Getting’ Down, 7.Papa Roach – Last Resort, 8.Artful Dodger – Rewind, Rewind, – Dodger 8.Artful Resort, Last – Roach 7.Papa Down, Getting’ Ya If – 6.Five Girl,

Chasey Lain, 3.Bon Jovi – Living On A Prayer, 4.Spice Girls – Wannabe, 5.Aqua – Barbie Barbie – 5.Aqua Wannabe, – Girls 4.Spice Prayer, A On Living – Jovi 3.Bon Lain, Chasey 8. “Making moves, yeah on the dance floor, gotta move on dancing yeah, real hard core”

1.Sum41 – Fat Lip, 2.Bloodhond Gang – The Ballad Of Of Ballad The – Gang 2.Bloodhond Lip, Fat – 1.Sum41 quiz: lyrics

ear, it’s earwax | | earwax it’s ear, 9. “Baby take me, high up on a hillside.”

5.Switzerland, 6.Denzel Washington, 7.North, 8.Obi-Wan Kenobi, 9.St David, 10.In your your 10.In David, 9.St Kenobi, 8.Obi-Wan 7.North, Washington, 6.Denzel 5.Switzerland,

1.Black Bess, 2.Alan A Dale, 3.”What’s for breakfast?”, 4.Tom Hanks, Hanks, 4.Tom breakfast?”, for 3.”What’s Dale, A 2.Alan Bess, 1.Black bf pub quiz: quiz: pub bf 10. “Every generation blames the one before. the answers are here, they’re upsidedown, what more could you want? you could more what upsidedown, they’re here, are answers the And all of their frustrations come beating on your door.” 26 LIFESTYLE 18 March 2004 the silly - Barefacts Personals - You know the drill - send an email with the subject line ‘personals’ to [email protected] and as if by magic they’ll appear in the next issue of bareafcts. If you#re sending in more than one, pop them in the same email, Stars will you? Cheers! by Psychic Sandy hey justin i have your pig and im not afraid to unlucky tom - all u had to do was fall on it! shag it! Libra Aries To the hard working SC; two words.... Business You may well meet my Well, that visit was just that maxwell stuarts a real party animal even Management :o) evil twin this week… far too short and sweet! though hes made out of plastic bags’s! Congrats to the IVDC competitors... Surrey, Surrey, you lucky devil you! Eat You should blatantly Did anyone vote 1 for stuarts breath i did and it Surrey... oi, oi, oi!! carrots, they help you to ought to of stayed just was worth it! see in the dark. Which a little bit longer… All no eating here tonight - you on a diet!! i shall call you will need to do in the near future… I’m going to say is the honte of you over Dear dance course. The main hall is often very him squishy and he shall be mine!! cold and your lessons are canceled regularely. Then again, I suppose it depends on the last week, though the look on her face Just to cheer you up, in civil eng lab it is SO HOT Desperate Dan’s made it onto TV! Lets all get whether you wana see your beloved one’s was well worth it! The pink boob tube was that we have to take our jumpers off....!”! SpecSaving!!! face or not… a great look, by the way – and Mustafa went down a storm with the fellas! Glitter on a fl annel!! :) ceedric, when you played with daniella, was it like feeding a hungry horse? Scorpio Elect MARC CLANCY to Borough Council!!! You, my love, make a Taurus egotistical.conservative.com fantabulous cheerleader! Oh no, not you again, www.conservativefuture.com Even if you are a tad you’re just lurking Eligible bachelor on campus. The women love “Coffee with Michael Chambers” (an informal him but he needs to settle down. Can be found in on the fi lthy side… everywhere, aren’t discussion on a hot political issue) - Tues 27-April- battersea court, spiers, room 5. Stayin’ up all night you? I’ve been trying 2004 - 7.30pm @ Roots... All welcome! has been lots of fun in the last week, and to avoid you like the who’s that bird f******g herself off to fi lthy your pacifi st nature becomes you. How plague but I seem to be having some Ickle Sarah and Crazy Chris on 1350AM GU2 - christina in MY FHM as she listens to my CDs - coz anyone would think they were having...... i can see her thru the window. was the surprise? How shocked are you trouble in my quest… See if you can fi nd at your friends’ capacity for secrecy?! A the Yack this week – apparently it’s quite I’m looking for a Fruitcake... I can’t fi nd Fruitcake... lucky girl! multiple orgasms all over the shop. And comparatively quiet week beckons. easy to embarrass him! Oh, what to do... what a view!

I encourage you all to Vote Conservative ;) ~M~ Stand back, here comes Chris ‘Double Dinner’ Sagittarius Gemini Hunter! So, here goes the Misbehavin’ aint the “What do I wear to your wedding?” promised mention… word at the moment you “Not much!!” Too right I’m your Rarah! :o) I love you xxxxX You were a bit battered coquine young Gemini! what were you digging with? a spade? Happy St Patricks Day for yesterday Chunks on Friday, weren’t you? Just do what you gotta Naughty, naughty. It’s do darlin’. You’re 71-0! ‘But you’re defence was great’...... what was To the lovely, gorgeous and angelic Joanna: about time we saw you out and about of missing your masseur – nobody does it he talking about? Thanks for being there for me this year - a true an evening. Hope you had muchos funos, better, innit? What else can I say, except for tower of strength! I love you more than you could one day eskimo’s will rule the world! ever imagine xxx and who knows, perhaps we’ll see you bring on a bit of Becks…? Not to mention sometime this week? However, nothing your old mate from back in the day… i had jogging bottoms on underneath!!! Waterpolo girls rock, special thanks to our two compares to the banjo my dear. helping team mates Cancer Cullen, I’m not an alcoholic, I’m a social drinker. There’s a big difference. Winning was good but beating Manakin was Capricorn Well, why weren’t you Better! I think its about time in the onion on Saturday Congratulations to Jack for beating Corin in last you stopped appearing night? Well done, you week’s pasta eating comp! Not that it was much Mike.... you sexy beast! in people’s dreams, managed to miss a cool of a comp - more a cop out :P Shaggy, Big hugs peas & carrots? Purple xXx don’t you? I fi nd it evening, even if the Nice tackle Spade! rather worrying in fact. dancer was shite. Oh well, never mind – One for Yo Yo and the girlies... Friends are family Travel to faraway climes is written in the just make sure you turn up to the prochaine Pete illustrated the dangers of ‘reply to all’ when of our own choosing. They are an absolutely stars for you this week, so be a devil and one. Otherwise I’ll stop letting you in… he sent his lovey barefacts personal to everyone crucial support mechanism - without them we’d on the ‘union staff’ mailing list! be unable to survive in this unpredictable & hop on a random bus – you never know, Almost forgot – will you give it a rest with challenging world.. glad I found you girls. you might even end up in town… that damn stamper! Do I make you itch? coffee with mike chambers..... i don’t like coffee, Aquarius Leo “This is Jamison featuring anal.... sorry, Angel Blue” can i have tea? May I just take this This week, you will Tom we are outraged that you would think the Ickle Sarah: But you don’t die if you eat nothing! opportunity to inform fi nd yourself spending a three witches would mention you fumbling the you that you are bit too much time in the ball over the try line in the personals!! Just when you thought you’d got away with it, absolutely scandalous! onion – not only will the inevitable “KITTY!!!” rears its furry head ;p You can try and refuse your fi nes Cullen, but I Especially when dressed you be out the usual wouldn’t recommend it remember I am SATAN! The barefacts Editorial Team 2003-4 are all in that white skirt! Still, at least you were Wednesday and Friday nights, but you will Chunks remind me to pack the Tabasco sauce ;o) absolute stars - you’ve made this a truly wearing big pants – it makes the stage- fi nd Gangsta night on Thursday too good memorable year! dancing antics that bit less shocking... for an opportunity to miss. So make the most Oh and if Cobbles thinks your tour fi nes are so unfair she can help you out with them, obviously It would be rude not to mention “Hello Kitty” those you haven’t shocked already, that is. of it! if two of you are doing them they will need to be once… doubled! Now where did I put the pepper? Pisces Virgo Keep up the non-smoking OLD friend ;o) So, how was the party Your nearest and dearest Woody drinking lime, egg white and Baileys was bad but re drinking the egg white when it came To the lovely, gorgeous and angelic Joanna: then? I’m sure you had have been missing you back was just wrong. You nearly made us all thanks for not telling Pete! ;o) a fantabuloso time… lately, so you might feel vomit! Not too much exciting it necessary to pay them From all the union staff to this years sabb team. stuff going on for you a visit. Then again, I We like to drink with Kebab, again and again and Thanks for working so hard and making our job again maybe we should rename her unlucky? all the more satisfying and rewarding. We hope at the mo, but who knows – you may suppose you could always just wait for the that you learned a lot this year which will stand fi nd yourself indulging in the odd bout of hols. Depends on the coursework situation, Mikey C, i think you’re really fi t.... see you on you in good stead for the rest of your life. Good binge-drinking. Just make sure that special especially if you’re an ancient fi nal year friday... love A xx luck. someone can’t take their eyes off you. who’s been here way too long now. 18 March 2004 SPORT 27 Challenge Chops: MBC

BY DAVID ‘CHOPS’ CHAPMAN over do things on these sections due to my inexperience at off road cycling. As the ride Mountain Biking involves bikes and is progressed, my confi dence grew and I let hence related to one of my sporting interests, my speed increase. I was still signifi cantly road Cycling. However the two sports are a slower than most of the others, but then world apart. The variety of different surface again on the climbs, I was leaving a number types encountered while mountain biking of them behind. makes it technically a lot more challenging Half way through the ride, we stopped and and that’s not even taking into account played about on a few drop-offs and jumps. random obstacles such as trees lying across The jumps ranged from smallish to pretty your path. I have a little experience of darn big and not being overly used to the Mountain Biking but have not been off road club bike, I left them to the others. They did since the summer and hadn’t gone off road manage to convince me to attempt a drop- for years before then. off however. Although it looked fairly big, a So when it came to the Mountain Bike few demonstrations reassured me that it was Club Challenge, I was confi dent, but had fairly tame and didn’t even need a technical some reservations. Not having a working approach. After dropping my saddle down mountain bike, I used one of the club to allow me to easily get my weight further bikes. After a puncture before we even left back, I gave it a go. It was very easy, campus, we headed for Newlands Corner. although I didn’t make enough speed to get Being somewhere on the North Downs (or right back up the other side. up a reasonably big hill anyway), we had a Another point of note was the stop at the so- bit of climbing to do. The route we took was called Pie Shop. Now I might just be being fl at for most of the way, so the actual ascent fussy, but in order to refer to somewhere as was very steep. However with the wide a Pie Shop, I would expect it to specialise in gearing of a typical mountain bike, I didn’t pies. If it didn’t, I would expect it to at least struggle too much. sell pies. It didn’t. Ewan tried to convince To get to our destination, we followed me that a Bakewell tart was a pie, but he some single track. As the name alludes to, didn’t have any luck. Apart from this slight this is a track which is only wide enough for case of false advertising, I had a great time. a single bike. Being very rusty, I took this It really does make a difference to go out on section fairly easy. The guys ahead soon left a ride with a bunch of others. If you want to me behind, but knowing the way groups of know more, check www.SurreyMBC.co.uk cyclists worked, I continued at my own pace or if you would rather ride a few miles on and caught up with them quickly after they tarmac, e-mail [email protected] for details had stopped to allow everyone to get back of the (road) Cycling Club. together. A number of sections on the ride were [email protected] fairly fast downhill sections. Again, I didn’t Sailing Team Cause A Storm Fancy Something New?

BY ALISTAIR KERR As this is the last barefacts this year, I a twist, this might be for you. Committee thought it time to remind you of some new positions available. The weekend of the 13th March saw the Sailing Team competing in the BUSA inland clubs which are trying to get started. A national championships at Grafham Water Sailing Club. With near perfect sailing conditions number of people have expressed interest Tennis – Just opposite Tesco, the Varsity on Saturday the fi rst race began. Dave Annan and James Nuttall took the lead on the second in these but in order for them to become Centre has 9 tennis courts and with summer lap, but were beaten to fi rst place on the last leg after being unable to get their spinnaker offi cial clubs, we need to be able to on the way, it’s a good time to get involved. down quick enough, having to settle for 2nd place. Pete Williams and Alistair Kerr also had show there is enough interest and elect a Committee positions available. spinnaker trouble ending up towards the back of the fl eet but managed to climb back to a committee of at least 3 students. So if you respectable 5th place. In the following two races Pete and Alistair got 2nd and 4th places, Dave would like to be involved and especially Table Tennis – A little bit like tennis but and James got 3rd and 2nd places. Amy Copland and Adrian Woodroffe found the conditions if you would like to help run one of these with less running around, more wrist and too diffi cult, as they are beginners so retired and went to fi nd the club bar. clubs (this doesn’t have to be a large less arm. Committee needed. On Sunday the Race Offi cer tried to start a race but abandoned it when he saw the carnage commitment), e-mail [email protected] on the racecourse caused by the F6-7 (gusting F8) winds!! Racing for the day was cancelled with the club name as the subject heading. Wakeboarding/ Waterskiing – With and so the positions from the day before remained unchanged. Dave and James came 2nd and You can also keep an eye out round the weather warming up, it will not be the Pete Alistair duo came in 3rd place overall. The best results yet for the sailing club. Sorry, campus for posters with AGM (to elect long before cooling down will be more no pictures as the camera got stolen when the van got broken into at the service station on committee’s) details, which will also be attractive. Meanwhile, wetsuits will be the way home… listed on the new union notice boards. available. Committee needed.

The Sports Show Cycling – Teaming up with the Guildford club, those who want to race can take on GU2 part in Time Trials and Road Racing. Committee positions available. Thursdays 1-4 W i t h T U G Ice Skating/ Ice Hockey – With an Olympic sized rink just over a mile away, Campus phone: 811350 there is no excuse. Committee needed. Ex: 01483 681350 Email / MSN: [email protected] Roller Hockey – If you fancy Hockey with 28 SPORT 18 March 2004 teamsurrey Surrey Rides To National Finals

BY CHLOE READER a course, jumping all the jumps clear, in which ever way The National competition is scheduled to take place on possible (not always exhibiting the tidiest riding style). 21st April in Yorkshire (yes this is the week before fi nal Over the past few years the equestrian club has gone from However, we are daunted by the prospect of being judged exams start, obviously riding is much more important than strength to strength, much of this is attributable to the on our style and horsemanship at the Nationals! our degrees!). current chairperson Harry Talbot. The third team, despite not quite reaching the Nationals, This season has seen huge success for our teams, with has had its fair share of success. They competed against Harry Talbot and Jessica Coupland from our fi rst team, the second teams from Southampton and Portsmouth and qualifying for the Champions league regional round. Had so had to work extra hard. Regardless of this disadvantage there been more than two individual places available at they fi nished 2nd consistently at all the competitions, the regionals, a third member of our fi rst team, Fiona unfortunately only loosing out on 1st place by 2 points at Stevenson, would have also qualifi ed. one competition. A special mention goes to Jo Brett, who The second team; Chloe Reeder, Mandy Martin, Nikki competed with the second team in their fi rst competition Gibbins and Laura Scorse, have reached the Nationals and received 4th place individually, she then continued with of the Shields league! This is the fi rst time that an entire the 3rd team collecting 1st and 4th individually. Other team equestrian team from this University have gone beyond mates; Becky Hall, received 4th and 7th, Lissy Neve received the fi rst round! Not to mention going through in style by 6th and 7th and Katy Bell came away with 5th individually. winning all of their qualifying competitions! We would just like to thank all the members of the For those of you who are unfamiliar with our four legged equestrian club, who are very supportive of the teams friends and the format that competitions take, we compete and our instructor, Lynne Kingsnorth who has become in two disciplines. The fi rst is Dressage, which consists increasingly involved in The Surrey University Equestrian of performing a range of movements, a bit like ballroom club over the past few years. Also thanks to Langshot dancing with a 1⁄2 ton partner. The second show jumping, Equestrian centre for providing an excellent competition which up until this point has been a case of making it round venue. Bright Future For Basketball

BY EDUARD SCOTT a university without any sports related courses, the level of athletic available will The UniS Women completed their fi rst always be somewhat limited. Basketball is full season of basketball in recent memory a sport that is not played by enough girls at last Wednesday 10th March. In the past school in this country, but with initiatives three years the women have gone from such as Active Sport I hope that future not being entered into any league to being teams at Surrey will be able to maintain competitive in the BUSA South Eastern and build on this success. The support of Conference 2A League. Surrey placed the University for USSU and UniSport will 3rd out of 6 teams, and with the top 2 play a very large part.” Coach Scott made teams in the table having a few national the following end of season selections: league players on their roster this was the MVP (Most Valuable Player): Liliana best Surrey could realistically have hoped Cuenca. MIP (Most Improved Player): to fi nish. Post BUSA fi xtures saw Surrey Olivia Halls. Honorable Mention: Jane beating local rivals Roehampton by 5 points Mefo, Jessica Christensen. as part of the Federal Challenge, and then If there are any readers who are interested taking part in the SUSC mini league, losing in joining the basketball club, training will in the fi nal against familiar BUSA foes go on throughout the rest of the semester, Chichester. and any new players or committee members Coach Eduard J. Scott commented: “All are always welcome. Visit the ussu.co.uk of the girls showed steady improvements website or contact [email protected] for over the course of the season, and for more info.