Chloe Caldwell
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CHLOE CALDWELL Flailing in jobs; failing at love; getting addicted and unaddicted to people, food, and drugs—I’ll Tell You in Person is a candid and captivating account of attempts at adulthood and all the less-than-perfect ways we get there. Chloe Caldwell has an unsparing knack for looking within and reporting back what’s really there, rather than what she’d like you to see. “Chloe Caldwell has written the ideal ‘female companion book’—meaning, while reading I’ll Tell You in Person, I felt like I had a female companion with me at all times. On the subway, I had my female companion. In my back- pack, I had my female companion. On the sidewalk, I held tight to my female companion, and pedestrians would stare at her, so boldly yellow in my hands. Pretty soon my female companion took up residency in my head. She helped me process the world with sass, spite, sympathy, and wit. I don’t know what could be better than a book that allows you to be alone but to never feel lonely. I’ll Tell You in Person does this and more. It projects the most potent after- glow, and Caldwell is a writer beyond gifted and generous. She is like a sage.” —Heidi Julavits, author of The Folded Clock “I read this book in two breathless days, and basically all I want to do now is eat macaroni and cheese, day drink rosé, and harmonize with Chloe Caldwell. in Person You I’ll Tell I want to be her friend.” —Samantha Irby, author of Meaty “Chloe Caldwell tells you all her secrets in a controlled mania so you can devour them in a more compulsive fashion. I couldn’t stop reading this book, and when I was fi nished I kept looking around to see where my awesome new friend went. She’s right in here, brimming with most excellent girldom, a commitment to experience that feels religious, a dedication to vulnerability that likewise radiates holy holy holy. I love this person’s life, and I love the way she writes about it—funny and blunt and chatty and truthful.” —Michelle Tea, author of How to Grow Up CHLOE CALDWELL is the author of the novella Women and the essay collection Legs Get Led Astray. Her work has appeared in Lenny Letter, Vice, Salon, the Rumpus, the Sun, and Hobart, among others. She teaches per- sonal essay and memoir writing in New York City and © Anna Ty Bergman © Anna Ty lives in Hudson. COFFEE HOUSE PRESS ESSAYS $16.95 AN EMILY BOOKS ORIGINAL ISBN: 978-1-56689-453-1 Essays Visit us at coff eehousepress.org and emilybooks.com CHLOE CALDWELL CHLOE CALDWELL Flailing in jobs; failing at love; getting addicted and unaddicted to people, food, and drugs—I’ll Tell You in Person is a candid and captivating account of attempts at adulthood and all the less-than-perfect ways we get there. Chloe Caldwell has an unsparing knack for looking within and reporting back what’s really there, rather than what she’d like you to see. “Chloe Caldwell has written the ideal ‘female companion book’—meaning, while reading I’ll Tell You in Person, I felt like I had a female companion with me at all times. On the subway, I had my female companion. In my back- pack, I had my female companion. On the sidewalk, I held tight to my female companion, and pedestrians would stare at her, so boldly yellow in my hands. Pretty soon my female companion took up residency in my head. She helped me process the world with sass, spite, sympathy, and wit. I don’t know what could be better than a book that allows you to be alone but to never feel lonely. I’ll Tell You in Person does this and more. It projects the most potent after- glow, and Caldwell is a writer beyond gifted and generous. She is like a sage.” —Heidi Julavits, author of The Folded Clock “I read this book in two breathless days, and basically all I want to do now is eat macaroni and cheese, day drink rosé, and harmonize with Chloe Caldwell. in Person You I’ll Tell I want to be her friend.” —Samantha Irby, author of Meaty “Chloe Caldwell tells you all her secrets in a controlled mania so you can devour them in a more compulsive fashion. I couldn’t stop reading this book, and when I was fi nished I kept looking around to see where my awesome new friend went. She’s right in here, brimming with most excellent girldom, a commitment to experience that feels religious, a dedication to vulnerability that likewise radiates holy holy holy. I love this person’s life, and I love the way she writes about it—funny and blunt and chatty and truthful.” —Michelle Tea, author of How to Grow Up CHLOE CALDWELL is the author of the novella Women and the essay collection Legs Get Led Astray. Her work has appeared in Lenny Letter, Vice, Salon, the Rumpus, the Sun, and Hobart, among others. She teaches per- sonal essay and memoir writing in New York City and © Anna Ty Bergman © Anna Ty lives in Hudson. COFFEE HOUSE PRESS ESSAYS $16.95 AN EMILY BOOKS ORIGINAL ISBN: 978-1-56689-453-1 Essays Visit us at coff eehousepress.org and emilybooks.com CHLOE CALDWELL I’ll Tell You in Person I’ll Tell You in Person . chloe caldwell Coffee House Press An Emily Books Original Minneapolis and Brooklyn 2016 Copyright © 2016 by Chloe Caldwell Cover design by Patricia Capaldi Book design by Connie Kuhnz Author photograph © Anna Ty Bergman Coffee House Press books are available to the trade through our primary dis- tributor, Consortium Book Sales & Distribution, cbsd.com or (800) 283-3572. For personal orders, catalogs, or other information, write to info@coffee housepress.org. Coffee House Press is a nonprofit literary publishing house. Support from private foundations, corporate giving programs, government programs, and generous individuals helps make the publication of our books possible. We gratefully acknowledge their support in detail in the back of this book. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Names: Caldwell, Chloe, author. Title: I’ll tell you in person / Chloe Caldwell. Description: Minneapolis : Coffee House Press, [2016] | Series: Emily Books Identifiers: LCCN 2016007063 | ISBN 9781566894531 (softcover) | ISBN 9781566894548 (eBook) Subjects: | BISAC: LITERARY COLLECTIONS / Essays. | BIOGRAPHY & AUTOBIOGRAPHY / Personal Memoirs. | BIOGRAPHY & AUTOBIOGRAPHY / Literary. Classification: LCC PS3603.A432 A6 2016 | DDC 814/.6—dc23 LC record available at http://lccn.loc.gov/2016007063 Acknowledgments The author would like to thank the editors of the following publications, where variations of some essays were first published: Vice, Salon, Medium, Hobart, and the Rumpus. In some essays, names and identifying details have been changed. Thank you to the Martha’s Vineyard Writer’s Residency, where pages of this book were written. Enormous thank you: Emily Gould for acquiring, encouraging, and constant support; Ruth Curry for the excellent and attentive edits and honesty. I am lucky to know you both. Thank you Chelsea Lindman, Caroline Casey, Chris Fischbach, Carla Valadez, Amelia Foster, Heidi Hogg, and everyone on the Coffee House team: what an honor to work with such intelligent, kind, and wonderful people. Thank you to my early readers and responders: Steph Georgopulos, Fran Badalamenti, Chelsea Martin, Elizabeth Ellen, Karina Briski, Elisa Albert, Erika Kleinman, and Diana Spechler. Thank you Mom, and thank you Dad. I love you both. Printed in the United States of America 23 22 21 20 19 18 17 16 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 For my friend Frances Badalamenti Do you remember the way the girls would call out “love you!” conveniently leaving out the “I” as if they didn’t want to commit to their own declarations. — david berman, self-portrait at 28 . I get it. Nothin’s ever happened to you— and you write books about it. — patricia hampl’s student, the dark art of description Contents In Real Life 1 . part 1 . Prime Meats 13 Yodels 27 Hungry Ghost 35 . part 2 . Soul Killer 55 The Music & the Boys 69 Failing Singing 89 Sisterless 103 . part 3 . The Girls of My Youth 121 The Laziest Coming Out Story You’ve Ever Heard 127 Maggie and Me: A Love Story 135 Berlin 2009 149 Reading Guide: Discussion Questions and an Interview with Chloe Caldwell 167 I’ll Tell You in Person In Real Life what should i do with my life? my notebook from 2005 reads. Music thera pist? Retail/venue owner? Substance- abuse counselor? Writer? But I’m unfocused, unambitious, have an addictive person- ality, and what if no one cares? I’ve spent the bulk of my years on planet Earth asking for forgive- ness rather than permission. I’ve never had a plan B or F or even A. I don’t know how to read maps. Driving with my mom some years ago, I got lost, and rather than stopping or looking at a map, I kept going the wrong way. “When you get lost, you’re supposed to pull over and turn around,” she said. I do when I’m ready. One editor asked my agent last year what my five- year plan was. I laughed, even though I was the stupid one, not the editor (who rejected the book). As the cliché goes, I’ve always counted on either dying young or never dying at all. I displaced my enormous anxiety onto dogs, elec- trical outlets, Mack trucks running me over, and, apparently, essay collections.