Closure & the Law of Relationship
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Closure & The Law of Relationship Endings as New Beginnings By Lissa Coffey Foreword by Arielle Ford Copyright 2010 Lissa Coffey 1 Endorsement Quotes “Eastern philosophy teaches us that change is inevitable, and yet suffering is not. In her insightful new book, “Closure,” Lissa Coffey shows us how to learn and grow as we move through the evolution of our relationships. Highly recommended.” -Deepak Chopra Author of The Ultimate Happiness Prescription “Closure is the essential guide for anyone who is looking to increase their sense of peace, joy and fulfillment. Follow Lissa’s wisdom and experience a total sense of enlightenment.” -Peggy McColl, New York Times Best Selling Author of Your Destiny Switch “What is, is; your relationship is over. Now Lissa guides you through the difficult process of accepting the things you cannot change, minimizing the pain, and moving on. You’ll feel better, and you’ll grow as you learn. I will be giving this book to many of my hypnotherapy clients.” -Dick Sutphen Author of Soul Agreements “I loved it! As so often is the case, books that are supposed to lead us back to ourselves can be dense and complicated. Lissa’s book allows the reader to understand the insight and wisdom it takes to come back to the joy. Her words reflect how much she truly cares about the healing of humanity. Brava!” Catherine Hickland Actress, Author of The 30 Day Heartbreak Cure “Who among us hasn’t been devastated by the loss of a relationship – whether through separation, divorce, or death? Most of the time, we can’t see beyond the present moment and mistakenly believe that life could never be as good without that other person in our daily lives. By the end of the journey through Lissa Coffey’s book, Closure, we come to realize that we will be better for having loved, and life will be even sweeter when we start to live it again!” Shaun Robinson TV Host, Author of Exactly As I Am “There can be no doubt that Lissa Coffey knows from whence she speaks when it comes to relationships. She understands that every relationship, regardless of how good or bad it is, shall have an ending as surely as it had a beginning. Lissa shows us how to open the portal of closure and gently guides us through the opening. The result is nothing less than the peace that passes all understanding. Lissa demonstrates how closure allows us to step into the present moment where new life awaits us with open arms. That is the blessing to be found in this book.” 2 Dennis Merritt Jones Author of The Art of Being~ 101 Ways to Practice Purpose In Your Life “Lissa is so right about her perspective to relationships. Each person with whom we bond has come into our life for a purpose. They are either a teacher to us or we are a teacher to them. When we focus on the lessons that person’s interactions have taught us, then the transition of the relationship, including the ending of it, has great insight for us. All relationships are temporary, so when we embrace that closure is a transition it is easier to move through.” -Dating Goddess Author of the Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40 series 3 To Greg, who has always been with me, and always will be. To Freddy and Brian, who came through me, and to me, to teach me so much. To Autumn, who has me learning and growing exponentially. To Ryan, Ellen, and Anika, who show me that the heart connection knows no time or space. 4 Table of Contents Foreword by Arielle Ford Introduction Part 1: The Anatomy of Relationship Chapter 1. Our Primary Relationship Chapter 2. Establishing Relationships Chapter 3. Building relationships Chapter 4 Maintaining relationships Chapter 5 Changing relationships Part 2: The Five Stages of Closure Chapter 6 Recognition Chapter 7 Acceptance Chapter 8 Understanding Chapter 9 Integration Chapter 10 Gratitude Part 3: Reconnection Chapter 11 Coming Full Circle Afterword About the Author Resources Recommended Reading Acknowledgements 5 FOREWORD by Arielle Ford In a lyric from his famous song, Beautiful Boy, John Lennon assures us that “life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans.” Life’s unexpected detours are sometimes interesting and fun – and sometimes they are devastating. One moment you are totally clear about who you are, what you’re doing, and where you’re heading, and then out of nowhere something happens that turns everything turns everything upside down. Money problems erupt. A career move backfires. Your once good health takes a terrible turn. A relationship ends. As much as we may wish it weren’t so, change is one of the few constants in our lives. In fact, it’s our resistance to change – and not change itself – that usually causes us the most distress. When we can accept that change is a natural (and yes, sometimes painful) part of life, we are in a much better position to accept it, to learn from it, and to evolve as a result of it. As someone who has lived through the devastation of the failure of a business, loss of earnings, a debilitating illness, and the end of a relationship (once all at the same time), I can tell you with confidence that change, while painful, always comes bearing gifts. My own experience has taught me that the biggest, most dramatic changes are usually the ones that yield the biggest and best rewards. Today, I am grateful for the economic downturn of the early 1990s which devastated my business, because out of that experience came a career bigger, better and more amazing than anything I could have ever planned for myself. My health scare placed me firmly on the path of 6 healthy eating and regular exercise. And of course, I am so grateful that the relationship I once believed would last forever ultimately crashed and burned because if it hadn’t, I wouldn’t have been available to meet my beloved husband, Brian. Looking back, it’s easy to see that some of the best things in my life today are a direct result of what I once judged as some of my worst times. Lissa Coffey is a wise woman whose first-hand experience in the realm of change, closure and relationships can skillfully guide you through times of transition. As you read this book you will begin to see not only that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but that you have been drawn toward that light by design. If I had been fortunate enough to have stumbled upon the book you are now holding in your hands, I know my journey would have been easier, smoother and quicker. As you begin this process, allow your mind and heart to open to the new possibilities that this life change is urging you toward. I am willing to bet that something wonderful is about to happen. With love, Arielle Ford 7 INTRODUCTION Each of us experiences some kind of loss in this lifetime. People come and go from our lives, whether by choice or circumstance. How we cope with these events affects how we move forward, how we see the world, and how we feel about our lives. I’m not the only person to have been through a divorce. When my first marriage ended after 17 years, I thought I handled it well. It was an amicable parting, and we maintained a friendly relationship. But then a few years later my sister’s husband died unexpectedly. My grief brought up new emotions, and I felt sad and angry and hurt as I relived the divorce in my mind. I realized through this experience that although I had moved on, I hadn’t really gotten over it; I didn’t have closure. I saw the parallels between my sister’s loss and my own, and I actively sought to come up with a formula through which we could both alleviate our pain. Through that research, and the discoveries that came out of it, this book was born. Relationships take many forms: marriage, friendships, family, co-workers, classmates, lovers. Whenever two people have some kind of a connection, a relationship is established. Our energy goes into these connections, our emotions, our hopes, our human vulnerabilities. A relationship is an organism itself, and it can have a life cycle. But since relationship is a spiritual organism, it doesn’t die. It merely changes shape. The relationships we build with the people we encounter continue in spirit, in memories, and in lessons learned. 8 We are invested in our relationships with other people. We spend our time, and emotions, developing a kind of bond with a person. We give of ourselves, through our love, our friendship, our concern, and our efforts. When we are faced with what seems to be the “end” of a relationship, we may feel loss, grief, anger or pain. We might even feel relief, or freedom. We may question the purpose for this change, whether it is abrupt or expected, and the necessity of it. The change may or may not be our choice, or our desire, but something we must learn to live with. The uneasiness may nag at us for years as we struggle to understand. How do we get that “closure” that our hearts and minds so desperately seek so that we can move forward with our lives? We need to shift our perspective a little bit when it comes to relationships. In our human form, we see the illusion of death, and the ending of relationships.