(Continued from preceeding page) The Halachic Framework of Mourning and Bereavement and its Implications Book Reviews—Edited by Walter A. Lurie, Ph.D 404 The Jew in American Society and The Jewish Community in America, ed. by Marshall for the Helping Professions Sklare; rev. by S. P. Goldberg RUBEN SCHINDLER, D.S.W. Handbook on the Private Practice of Social Work, National Association of Social Workers; rev. by Herbert Bernstein School of Social Work, Rot lion University, Ramtd-Gan, Israel Strategies for Survival and The Corporate Conscience, by David F. Linowes; rev. by Irving Brodsky EATH, mourning and bereavement person in mourning is generally con­ Between Enemies: A Compassionate Dialogue Between an Israeli and an Arab, by D have become part of Israel's con­ fronted with a crisis situation. In Amos Elon and Sana Hassan; rev-, by Gary S. Schiff, Ph.D. tinuous struggle for survival.1 The Judaism he is helped to deal with his Yom Kippur War has brought home to crisis through a defined Halachic Books Briefly Noted—Matthew Penn and W.A.L 415 Israel once again the realities of deep framework. crisis and sacrifice. Helping the be­ 4 Agency Publications, rev. by Mitchell Jaffe 15 reaved deal with the trauma of death is Pre-Burial: Aninut. a difficult task indeed. It has become 421 Jewish law requires the bereaved to Annual Index—Vol. LI (1974-75) 3 recognized that the mourning process mourn his loss. His personal and can become a therapeutic tool in help­ natural grief are to be aired. The inten­ ing the bereaved deal more realistically sity of the grief is so powerful that a with his loss. This is particularly true separate period prior to burial is given when a Halachic approach is intro­ to the bereaved to express his pain. duced which provides clear directions Lindemann noted that normal grief for mourning. Such a framework reactions are characterized by creates structure and support, thus facilitating the bereaved's return to so­ a slight sense of unreality, a feeling of in­ ciety. This paper will address itself to creased emotional distance from other the Halachic outlook on mourning and people ... a tendency to respond with bereavement and analyse the therapeu­ irritability and anger, a wish not to be tic dimensions suggested by such a bothered by others . . . What is done is done with a lack of zest as though one framework. were simply going through the motions of During the period of mourning so­ living.4 cial customs2 and religious observations determine the roles to be played by The Halacha describes this state as IN THE BICENTENNIAL YEAR members of the dead person's family. Aninut.5 An Onen is someone in deep WE MEET IN THE Judaism has long recognized that the distress unable to deal with reality at BICENTENNIAL CITY individual confronting grief is faced hand. It is synonymous with grief. The Boston with deep emotional stress. Stress Rabbis were very much aware of the creates problem-solving situations for National Conference of Jewish Communal Service emotional and psychological dimen­ May 30 - June 2, 1976 the individual. When there is difficulty sions of the bereaved during this or inability to utilize problem-solving period. They insightfully pointed out, mechanisms, a state of crisis ensues. A Ain Lo Mi Sheyisa Masoh. "There is no

1 I am indebted to Professor Benyamin 3 The source of mourning for seven days is Yanoov, Florence Mittwoch and Dr. Pesach derived from the book of Genesis 50: 10; 30 days Schindler for their helpful comments on this from the book of Deuteronomy, 21: 13. paper. 4 Erich Lindemann, "Symptomatology and 2 Note the pertinent article by Phyllis Palgi, Management of Acute Grief in Howard J. "The Socio-cultural Expressions and Implications Parad, (Ed.), Crisis Intervention. New York: Family of Death, Mourning and Bereavement Arising Service Association of America, 1965. P. 10. Out of the War Situation in Israel." The Israel 5 Aninut is the time between death and burial. Annuls of Psychiatry and Related Disciplines, Vol. 2. The mourner is exempt from religious require- No. 4. December, 1972. Pp. 301-329. ments.

325 JOURNAL OF JEWISH COMMUNAL SERVICE BEREAVEMENT AND ITS IMPLICATIONS

Eulogy: Hesped which will break the heart."22 A cathar­ 6 one to carry his heavy burden." He is to his deep anger by means of a con­ sis is created through release of Once the period of Aninut comes to a alone with his tragic loss. His ability to trolled, religiously sanctioned, act of thoughts and feelings without bonds or close, the mourner begins to harness concentrate and communicate is limited destruction. The act must be per­ restrictions. The Halacha tells us to his energies and is directed to begin the indeed. As the commentaries suggest, formed by the mourner and cannot be break accepted barriers to mourning 11 return to normal functioning. Rabbi "Because he has seen the deceased be­ carried out by someone else. Accord­ and allow the bereaved to cry publicly 12 7 Soloveitchik notes: fore him, his mind is weakened." Con­ ing to the Talmud , any rending of without shame. clothes not carried out in the flush of frontation with death not only breaks The Halacha which showed so much toler­ Upon the conclusion of the Hesped grief without full emotional involve­ ance for the mourner during the stage of the soul but weakens the mind. The and the recitation of appropriate ment is not considered appropriate.13 Aninut and let him float with the tide of bereaved is thus exempt from perform­ psalms, the mourner is required to re­ The Rabbis are quite explicit that there black despair — now forcefully and with a ing precepts. Rabbi Soloveitchik puts it shift of emphasis — commands him that cite the Kaddish (Memorial Prayer). The can be no substitutes for this rite in these terms: with interment (setimat hagolel) the first prayer "blends the internal spirit of the through symbolic or other forms. phase of grief comes abruptly to a close, Animit represents the spontaneous human mourner, imperceptibly healing his and a second phase, that of avelut, be­ Masochistic or deviant behaviour, such 23 reaction to death. Man responds to his de­ 17 psychological wounds." as cutting one's flesh or rending one's gins. feat at the hands of death with total resig­ Lamm notes: hair is inappropriate and prohibited. It nation and with an all-consuming The eulogy delivered after burial Finds masochistic self-devastating black despair. should be noted that the tearing rite is The very words offer implicit comfort . . . the bereaved surrounded by friends Halacha has never tried to gloss over the obligatory through the Shiva period, if It transfers subliminally the fixed inner and relatives at the grave site. The sorrowful ugly spectacle of dying man. In circumstances may have prevented him gaze of the mourner from the departed to spite of the fact that the Halacha has in­ Hesped (eulogy) serves as a tribute to the the living, from crisis to peace, from de­ from performing this act at an earlier domitable faith in eternal life, in immortal­ deceased. Its major function is to hon­ spair to hope, from isolation to commu­ time. Furthermore, if the act has not ity and in continued transcendental exis­ our the dead.18 nity." tence for all human beings ... It did been properly performed then, it It is suggested, however, that the understand man's fright and confusion should be carried out during the Shiva. Upon departure from the grave an act Hesped has an additional dimension when confronted with death. It permitted Three days after burial is particularly of support and comfort is expressed to the mourner to be relieved of all mitzvot.* which includes the quality of psy­ appropriate since the emotional stress the bereaved. Those present at the 14 chological relief. Bechi, weeping for the funeral form themselves into two rows The Halacha was not only concerned and anger is at its peak. deceased, as suggested by Hirsh, ena­ with paying tribute to the deceased, through which the mourner passes. bles one to "tear one's feeling and emo­ They recite, "May the Omnipresent being sympathetic to the bereaved, but An important function of the mourn­ 19 tion." The Yoreh Deah notes that the was equally concerned with enabling ing process is to work through and dis­ comfort you together with all the virtues of the deceased should be 25 the individual to deal with his loss. sipate anger. Lindemann noted that the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem." enumerated in order to create the cli­ duration of the grief is dependent on An opportunity for psychological re­ mate for natural expression and cry­ Meal of Condolence: the success with which a person did his lease is thus afforded in the Halachic ing.20 A commentary to the Yoreh Deah Seudat Havraah "grief work."15 Anger should be viewed framework of mourning through the has noted that "Whoever increases 9 as a normal component of grief. A It has been suggested that normally a kreiah or the rending of garments. one's crying, the Lord counts him and Prior to interment and the formal study of Parkes suggests that anger was grief reaction begins when the be­ assures him a place in the House of reaved starts to emancipate himself mourning period, the tearing is per­ at its peak during the first month of the 21 Treasures." 26 formed. This is not mere ceremony. It mourning period. Anger was described from the bondage of the deceased. A 10 The potential therapeutic effort on allows the mourner to give expression as a general irritability and bitterness. major observation worthy of note be­ The reaction "was one of an intense the bereaved can be appreciated by the cause of its implications for the helping 6 Berakhot Yeruslwlmi 83, 4a. impulse to action generally aggressive, instruction given to the one responsible professions is the fact that the person 7 Devarim Rabbah, Vayelech Moses Mirking (Ed.) which was being rigidly controlled."1" for delivery of the eulogy. The Talmud or family in crisis becomes more sus­ Jerusalem, Yavneh Press 1962. P. 250. notes: "It is obligatory for the eulogiser ceptible to the influence of "significant 8 Joseph B. Soloveitchik, Eulogy jor Tolner to raise his voice and speak in terms others" in the environment. Moreover, Rebbe, Abraham R. Besdin (Ed.) Rabbinical Council

11 of America, June 1972, pp. 2-3, mimeographed. Aruch HaShulchan, 340 : 12. 17 Op. Cit., p. 3. 22 12 Talmud Bavli. Berakhot. 6a. 9 Talmud Bavli, Moed Katan, 24 a. 18 Leviticus 10. 6. Talmud Bavli, Sanhedrin. 46 b. 23 13 Lamm. Op.Cit,; pp. 154-155. 10 Yoreh Deah, Hilkhot Avelut (Laws of Mourn­ 19 The time of the tearing according to the Commentary on Genesis, Samson Raphael 24 Ibid. p. 155. ing). 340. view of the Slutlhan Arukh must be performed Hirsh (Ed). London, Honigard Sons, 1959, 25 Talmud Yerushalmi Berakhot. 3:2. 14 Shulchan Aruch. 190. immediately upon hearing the tragic news. In 23:2 26 15 Lydia Rapoport, "The State of Crisis: Some Lindemann. Op.cit. P. 10. 20 some communities the tearing is performed prior Op. Cit; 344 a. 18 Theoretical Considerations" in Howard J. Parad, Colin Murry Parkes, Bereavement. New York. 21 to the interment either at home or at the ceme­ Shifcha HaCohen Yoreh Deah. Ibid, 344 a. (Ed.), Crisis Intervention, op. cit. pp. 22-23. tery. International University Press, 1965. P. 80. 327 326 BEREAVEMENT AND ITS IMPLICATIONS JOURNAL OF JEWISH COMMUNAL SERVICE

the degree of activity of the helping gesture of good will, but direct inter­ others. Thus she indicates that "the in­ This brief ceremony at the grave site is person does not have to be high. vention to assist the bereaved in his re­ dividual or group can draw comfort continued in all its efficacy when the Rapoport notes: "a little help rationally turn to society. The Halacha was very support and need satisfaction from the mourner returns home. Visiting the directed and purposefully'focused at a specific in placing upon society the re­ net work of human relationship."36 bereaved is not a mere act of being strategic time is more effective than sponsibility of assisting the mourner courteous. As Lamm has noted: Comforting Mourners: more extensive help given at a period during this early period. The Talmud 27 Nacham Avelim. The fundamental purpose of the condo­ of less emotional accessibility." has noted: Tevo Kllalah LeSchenim Shilz- lence call during the shiva is to relieve the 32 Jewish law does not permit the richu LeEchol Mi Shelo. "A curse will Nachum Avelim, comforting the be­ mourner of the intolerable burden of in­ mourner to be alone in his grief. There come upon those neighbours if the reaved, is a sacred obligation devolving tense loneliness. The sum effect of the visi­ are societal obligations whose function mourner has to provide his own food."33 upon every Jew. The book of Genesis tation of many friends and relations, some is to offer support, to restore equilib­ Some scholars suggest that the meal of relates to us that G-d visited Isaac in long forgotten, ... is the softening of condolence is a biblical commandment loneliness, the relief of the heavy burden rium to ease role transition which the order to comfort him upon Abraham's of internalized despair. It is a beckoning 37 mourner is unlikely to arrive at by him­ underscoring even further the aspect of death. The Talmud notes: "G-d com­ with open arms for the mourner to return 38 self. The Halacha turns to the commu­ community intervention during the ini­ forts the bereaved, so must you." to society.43 nity and seeks its partnership in assisting tial stage of mourning. There are differing opinions when and helping the bereaved with his dif­ It is recognized that during the very the act of visiting the bereaved com­ It is perhaps not surprising to find ficult burden. early period of bereavement the person mences. The Talmud notes that visiting that during periods of Jewish history it The Rabbis require that the is dazed and needs help with the the bereaved should commence from was necessary to convey condolence 44 mourner's first meal after interment be simplest decisions. Furthermore there the third day, following burial. This is calls on the Sabbath and holidays. In supplied by friends or neighbours.28 is need for accepting the bereaved as based on the view that Gimel Yomim communities where this was not the Maimonides indicates in the laws of he is, with all the irrational thoughts LeBehi, "three days for weeping." The practice, visitation nevertheless was car­ mourning: "On the first day of mourn­ and distorted responses.34 mourner is so caught up with his grief, ried out to Leshev Dato, "to ease the 45 ing it is prohibited for the bereaved . . . To a large extent the Halacha within he simply is unable to receive anyone.39 mind." Consoling the bereaved is an to eat from his own food.29 This meal is the mourning structure requires "sig­ The mourner's shock is so great that act of benevolence of the highest order. referred to as Seudat Havraah, the meal nificant others" to offer support and death has not yet taken on reality.40 It is the view of Maimonides that con­ of condolence. The Shulchan Aruch acceptance. The natural tendency for Therefore the waiting period for conso­ soling the bereaved takes precedence provides us with an interesting the mourner to withdraw and regress lation. A contemporary scholar of Tal­ over visiting the sick. He notes: "the psychological approach in relation to into his loneliness is dramatically coun­ mud has indicated that visiting the be­ duty of comforting mourners takes the source of this meal. The bereaved, tered by the community's obligation to reaved during the first three days of precedence over the duty of visiting the it notes, is anxious over his loss. He ease his transition into society. Lin­ mourning is permissible.41 The sick because comforting mourners is an identifies with the deceased to the point demann has noted that the: mourner is comforted at the conclusion act of benevolence towards the living 46 47 where death is his only comfort.30 The of the interment thus commencing with and the dead." - bereaved is surprised to find how large a mourner is so caught up with his loss part of his customary activity has some the aid of consolation at an early period. The Rambam takes this a step he neither has interest or desire for meaningful relationship in his contacts The procedure for consoling mourn­ further and indicates that identifying with the deceased and has now lost its food. It is therefore the duty of the ers is stated by Maimonides: and sympathising with the bereaved is community to supply the mourner with significance. Especially the habits of social so great that visiting mourners is com­ his first meal.31 The act is not a mere interaction . . . This loss leads to a strong After the body is buried the mourners as­ parable with the precept of "Thou shalt dependence on anyone who will stimulate semble and station themselves at the border 48 the bereaved to activity and serve as the of the cemetery. All who have escorted the love thy neighbour as thyself." 27 Ibid, p. 23. intiating agent.35 dead stand around them, forming them­ 28 Ezekiel 24:17. selves into rows, row after row, each consist­ 43 Lamm, Op Cit., p. 136. 29 Maimonides, The Laws of Avelut (Mourning) In times of actual disaster Rapoport ing of no less than ten people including the 44 Talmud Bavli Succoth 41b. 4:9. notes supporting features tend to mourners.42 45 Yaktiel Greenwald, Kol Bo Avelut, New York: 30 Shulchan Aruch—Laws of Mourning. He notes mobilize energy for reaching out by Philipp Feldheim, 1973, p. 298. 46 "The mourner is worried and concerned about 36 Rapoport Op. Cit.; p.31. Maimonides, The Laws of Mourning, 13: 6. 32 47 his loss. He is not strong enough to eat. His Talmud Yenishtilmi, Moetl Kalan 3: 1. 37 Genesis 25: 11. According to the Radbaz, visiting the sick takes 33 desire is to die. It is therefore obligatory for him Another reason for the meal having to be 38 Talmud Bavli Soteh, 14a. precedence over visiting mourners. The Radbaz's to eat from others." supplied by outside sources is based on the fact 39 Talmud Bavli Moed Katan, 21 b. point of view is quite clear. Visiting the sick, he 31 There is some controversy as to whether the that the food kept in the house whilst the corpse 40 Talmud Bavli Yebamot 120 a. notes, enables the ill person to carry on living. If meal of condolence is an obligation to be carried was unburied becomes ritually unclean. 41 Y. M. Tuchatzinski, Gesher HaHayim Israel this precept is not fulfilled it is considered as 34 out for the full day after interment, or limited to Parkes, Op. Cit.; p. 154. Solomon. Pub. 1948 Ch.20: 5. 'Sfichat Damim' or 'spilling of blood in vain.'

35 48 the first meal. Op. Cit.; p.3. 42 Maimonides, Laws of Mourning 13:6. Maimonides, Laws of Mourning 14:1.

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The Halacha, as mentioned, is ex­ highlight the third stage. He is helped An excess of mourning, too much tal ill health among bereaved people. tremely sensitive to the feelings and to deal with his crisis through commu­ preoccupation with the deceased, con­ The latter underscores the point that emotions of the mourner. The be- nity involvement. This period is one of tinuous reference to the past, has "Those who fail to express their dis­ reaved's ability to deal with his loss is a Shivah, the seven days following burial. prompted the Rabbis to state with in­ tress within the first week or two of process which develops gradually. It At the end of Shivah certain mourning sight, "Whoever indulges in grief to ex­ bereavement are more likely than cannot be forced. It therefore leaves it practices and obligations come to a cess over his dead will weep for others to become disturbed later." In to the mourner to set the tone, lead close. For example the wearing of non- another."55 It is well in this context to the research undertaken by Gorer, a discussion, and provide direction for leather shoes, prohibition of the study note the pertinent remarks of Rabbi direct correlation was found between those that call upon him. His reactions, of Torah and marital relations are in­ Soloveitchik. He notes: the Jewish Shivah and ritual support for both verbal and non-verbal should be cluded in these practices. grief. He found that very concentrated carefully considered. He initiates con­ Sheloshim The 30 days following buri­ The Halacha tells man: death is indeed and overt mourning that took place 49 something ugly and frightening, some­ versation and curtails discussion. He al (including the Shivah) is a particu­ thing grisly and monstrous . . . Neverthe­ during the first seven days of bereave­ is left to choose when to harness his 59 larly significant period. At the culmina­ less, the Halacha adds, death must not con­ ment to be of therapeutic value. energies and resources. Sensitivity to tion of this period substantial practices fuse man. He must not plunge himself into Tentative observations gathered the emotional and personal needs are which are identified with mourning are total darkness because of death. On the from mourners of the Yom Kippur war contrary, the Halacha asserts, death gives so great that in some communities it no longer adhered to. Prohibitions suggest that non-observant members of man the opportunity to display greatness was customary for consolers to leave which were enforced between the and to act heroically; to build, even though society seek ritual in dealing with grief. the house of the bereaved by the simple Shivah and Sheloshim such as wearing he knows that he will not live to enjoy the They are searching for meaningful and 50 nodding of his head. new clothes, hair-cutting and marriage sight of the magnificent edifice in whose significant ways to express their be­ 56 Finally, the concept of mutual sup­ come to a close. In this fourth stage the construction he is engaged. reavement. They turn to clergy and a port emerges in the Halacha when mourner is expected to return to soci­ Ritual observation plays a critical part range of helping personnel such as so­ tragedy strikes for a number of families ety and take up regular activities. It can in helping the bereaved overcome his cial workers, psychologists and doctors concurrently. The Halacha is quite be said that at the conclusion of anguish and grief. Both Gorer57 and for guidance. The assistance offered clear on this point. Both families are Sheloshim the major mourning practices Parkes58 have indicated that a decline will naturally take on many forms. The required to console, support and sus­ come to an end. During the final phase, inclusion of ritual should no doubt add in the ritual of mourning leads to men- tain each other's grief.51 two obligations are adhered to which both curative and preventive impor­ include the recitation of the Kaddish tance for those so deeply immersed in The Five Stages of Mourning — and abstention from excessive joy. At crisis. 55 the end of the 12 month period (in­ Talmud Bavli, Moed Katan, 21b. And the End of the 56 Soloveitchik. Op.Cit. p.3. 58 57 Op. p. 159. Mourning Period. cluding Sheloshim) all mourning is to Geoffrey Gorer, Death, Grief and Mourning in at, 59 cease. Contemporary Britain, London: Cresset, 1965. Op. Cit., p. 123. There are five stages of mourning as The Rabbis look with disfavour when prescribed in Jewish law providing a mourning is carried too far. highly structured framework for the Maimonides notes, "One should not bereaved to deal with his loss. A weep for the dead more than three number of these stages has been high­ days nor lament for him more than lighted earlier. Aninut, the time be­ seven days."52 Some note that weeping tween death and burial is when the should not extend more than thirty mourner is exempt from religious re­ days. Mention is made of Moses, "The quirements. This is followed by the children of Israel wept for Moses thirty second stage when the bereaved begins days, so weeping in the mourning for to deal with his grief through the tear­ Moses was ended."53 In the tractate of ing rite, the eulogy, the Kaddish and the Yevomul the Talmud indicates that meal of condolence. Visitation of David, the king, wanted to eulogize friends in paying respect to the de- Saul, but did not, because twelve ceased and to comfort the bereaved months were already passed.54

49 Ibid, 14:1. 52 Maimonides, Laws of Mourning Ch. 13:11. 50 Greenwald, Op. Cit., p.257. 53 Deuteronomy 34:8. 51 Ibid, p.297. 54 Talmud Bavli, Yevamot 79b.

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