The Naughty List Written by Justin Fornal Approx

The Naughty List Written by Justin Fornal Approx. 90 minutes

The Naughty List is a feature length noir thriller following Baron Ambrosia’s quest to rescue a group of children who have been kidnapped by the holiday demon Krampus. The world presented is bleak, raw, diseased, and highly dangerous. The music and pacing will be fine-tuned to keep the viewer from ever feeling at ease. For the first time, Santa Claus will be presented in an ultra-realistic manifestation. He is an ancient debauched Shaman with a weathered scarred face, and tobacco stained beard, blackened teeth, and several addictions. The characters will be garish and ghoulish. The following script depicts graphic violence, sex, and explicit language, and is only meant for a mature readers.

PROLOGUE Cabinda Territory, Angola The opening shot pulls out of an ornate square amulet that is embedded in the chest of a statue. The statue is of an ancient deity which sits atop a large gate that a militia is using as a make-shift border check. The surroundings are a dank, fly-buzzing swamp. A line of people wait to get into a small wooden building before getting through the gate. One can hear groans of pain coming from inside. People come out of the other side looking compromised and limp. Everyone appears tired and sickly. The line is controlled by t-shirted teens pacing up and down with various makes of machine gun. Everyone in line is wearing an old beat up smart phone on a string around their neck. Shots cut to faces of people inside the small wooden shed wincing in pain. The camera pans down the line to reveal Baron Ambrosia. His hair is pulled up in a top knot and he is wearing a floor length tunic. As the line shortens, he reaches the first teen officer. The officer scans each person in front of him by holding a baton up to their smart phone screen. As soon as it registers, the phone lets out a beep and they are sent into the cabin.

Officer Where is your phone?

Baron I don’t wear one. I do have documents, however.

Officer How did you get here without a phone?

Baron I used a map and came down the river from Matousi.

Officer Everyone in this country is required to wear their phone at all times.

Baron My name is Baron Ambrosia. I am an Ambassador from the Bronx. I do have documentation.

Baron begins to reach into his tunic and the officer slaps his hands down and begins to scream

Officer

Keep your hands out! Put them out or I will cut them off!

Soldiers begin to raise their guns and shout. People in the line are unaffected by the commotion.

Baron Whoa whoa whoa! It’s ok, it’s ok. I am a friend of Abdullah Mustafa. I have a handwritten letter from him granting me safe passage.

Instantly the soldiers silence and look at each other. The interrogator runs into the shack and talks to officials inside. A voice can be heard from within.

Chief Send him in.

Baron is escorted into a small, dank office. A cruel faced little man sits behind a desk.

Chief Please sit down. What is your name?

Baron reaches out his hand and the man does not look up and just gives a limp paw that the Baron shakes respectively. Baron Peace brother. I am Baron Ambrosia. I am an Ambassador from the Bronx just passing through to get to Mekinni.

Chief And you are a friend of Abdullah Mustafa?

Baron Yes, yes I am. I received a letter from his office that I can show you.

Without looking up the Chief signals with his hand for the Baron to pass the letter over. He nods his head back and forth as he eyes the letter as if he is reading a nursery rhyme. The man then looks into the Baron’s eyes and pauses. He looks up and down at the Baron’s outfit and fights back a smirk.

Chief Were you planning on visiting the palace and seeing Commander Mustafah on your way to Mekini?

Baron Yes, I had considered it.

The Chief lights a match and begins to burns the letter. Baron tries his best not to look uncomfortable. He gives a pained smile to the Chief.

Chief A funny thing happened to the Commander a few days ago.

Baron What’s that?

The Chief removes his own phone from around his neck and swipes at it for a minute, then hands it to the Baron. He looks down and sees a video of a crawling man wearing a bra and women’s panties covered in blood, as laughing soldiers beat him with bats. Next, a man starts up a chainsaw. Baron hands the phone back as screaming is heard coming from the video. Baron breathes deeply, searching for something to say.

Baron I am very sorry.

Chief I fucked his wife you know. I think we all fucked his...wife. If there is anything left I can assure you someone is fucking his wife right now.

All the soldiers begin to laugh hysterically.

Chief And that my friend is why you carry a phone. Over 20,000,000 people have viewed that video. But not YOU. So what do with we do with you…the friend of Abdullah Mustafah?

Baron Well, in all honesty he was more of an acquaintance.

Chief Hahahahaha! I will let you pass through.

Baron I appreciate that deeply.

Chief We require two scans at this border: a phone scan and a rectal scan. I am a nicer guy than I should be. I will let you pass through with just the rectal scan. The chief puts a large baton on the table.

Baron With all due respect, I am a diplomat and have the proper papers to prove my identity so that won’t be necessary.

Chief Do people in the Bronx make a habit of insulting kindness? You can be scanned by me or you can be scanned by every soldier within a hundred miles of here for days brother.

Baron

If you were a stranger in my home I would treat you with hospitality and whatever dignity you were accustomed to. The best plan of action to keep good relations for the future is for me to postpone this journey to a later date. I am just going to go back the way I came.

Chief It’s too late for that…you are in Baswa territory now. So lift up your dress, take down your panties and spread your ass so I can show you some hospitality.

The soldiers in the room brace for action Baron If you do not allow me to go back the way I came, I promise this will not end well for you.

Chief Take him outside!

The soldiers all fall on Baron and wrestle him outside.

Chief People! I have something for you to film. Let the world know what we do with people from the Bronx. Let the world know what we do with friends of Abdullah Mustafah. Strip him down!

People in line take their phones off of their necks and begin to film. Two of the soldiers rip off the Baron’s clothing.

Chief Take everything off. I am gonna open you up right. You are gonna fall in love with me.

As they rip off the tunic a large knife on a length of chain attached to a cod piece falls to the ground with the chain slithering down behind it. The soldiers jump back startled for a moment. Baron quickly whips up the chain and swings it around cutting off one of the soldier’s heads and stabbing another in the throat. A third solider goes to raise his machine gun and the Baron swings the chain again cutting off his hands. The gun falls shooting a few bystanders. Covered in gore, Baron becomes demonic and begins berating the onlookers.

Baron You want cruelty? You want to film something?

People start to scream and flee. In the distance soldiers scream and run towards the scene. The chief tries to run into the shack to grab a handgun. Baron grabs him by the back of the pants. The two fall down the stairs. Baron reaches around squeezing his throat and putting his mouth close to the chief’s ear.

Baron Now about that rectal scan.

The camera pulls out from above the scene. Several onlookers continue filming as the man struggles for life. The shot continues to crane out distant, as 1950’s-style Christmas music leads into the opening title sequence.

Opening Titles Montage Scene1

Classic old Hollywood-style titles appear over different slow motion scenes of children opening gifts beneath various Christmas trees. The look is that of black and white film that has been colorized. Screaming children are throwing wrapping paper everywhere. They are breaking toys and crying. The scenes are in slow motion and bled with dissolves. The scene ends with a pan over to a fireplace. The camera zooms in on the last flickering embers.

Ext. BRONX STREET, MORNING Scene 2

The bottom of the screen reads December 8th. A collection of parents are all coming out of buildings in their pajamas. Some are yelling from fire escapes. They are all looking for their children. Some are crying. Others are just calling out their names. Lots of dramatic hard cuts and Dutch angles.

INT.BARON OFFICE, MORNING Scene 3 Industrial hissing comes from behind a glass paned door in an old warehouse. The milk colored glass reads “Baron Ambrosia- Explorations & Investigations”. At the far end of the warehouse floor Baron takes off a heavy coat and falls into his desk chair. Christmas music is quietly coming from an old radio on top of a filing cabinet. Various large objects and artifacts rest under dusty white sheets throughout the warehouse space. Baron sits behind an Executive style desk. His two female partners set up three glasses and pour some scotch. The girls are wearing leather shoulder harnesses with pistols. Everyone has outrageously big hair.

Big Kim You wanna take a bath first? Baron smiles. Baron I’m too nervous to take a bath.

Yulisa Well, let’s have a look at it then.

Baron opens a case and gently places a bundle wrapped in fabric on the desk. He opens it up revealing the amulet that was embedded on the statue in the first scene. The girls move in closer and study the piece. Baron packs and lights a pipe thoughtfully.

Yulisa Wow, that looks really different.

Baron Different could be good.

Big Kim Do you want to run some tests on the metal first?

Baron What’s the point? Either it works or it doesn’t.

Big Kim Then what are we waiting for?

Baron Haha…I want to love it for a few more minutes.

Baron reaches out and strokes the large artifact. The shot jump cuts to Yulisa pulling a sheet off of a car sized artifact revealing an ancient spaceship. Baron grabs a large suitcase and drags it in. Big Kim methodically spins various cranks on the ships outer body and a door opens. The three walk inside the capsule as Baron holds the artifact. He stands in front of a large slot and takes a deep breath. The group huddles together as Baron gently attempts to fit it in the slot. It starts to go in. The key slowly clicks in place. Big Kim bites her lower lip.

Big Kim (whispering) Ayyye dios.

Baron begins to twist the key and it stops. The ship starts to click.

Baron Get out! Get out!

The three jump out of the craft as the interior fills with a pure white flame. The key slides out of a garbage slot at the base of the craft onto the concrete floor, red hot and half melted. Baron sits on the floor shaking his head.

Yulisa Awww fuck me! There goes another six months of work.

Big Kim What now?

Baron There is that key in Uzbekistan.

Yulisa Uzbekistan? Uzbekistan? How the fuck are we gonna get there? That was it babe. We have no more money. That last trip was it…at least until spring.

Big Kim We haven’t taken a real case or a job in over a year.

Baron We’ll get the money. . Yulisa First off, I know this last trip got ugly cause you’re not saying shit. How many times did you almost get your face cut off? Secondly, we’re going to get evicted. That means we are not going to have a place to LIVE! Does that concern you at all? I’m just curious.

Big Kim I swear to God I wish we never even found this shit. This spaceship…whatever the fuck it is…has become a major crisis. Seriously, when is the last time we bought new clothes?

Yulisa Oh, now where is the suitcase?

Baron Ssssssshit.

Big Kim It got furnaced? Come on!! There goes all of our good panties.

Yulisa Panties? Girl, we don’t even have heat. B, I love you. We love you, but this shit is really messing you up. You are obsessed. We have the rest of our lives to find the key for this thing and go wherever the fuck you think it’s gonna take us. In the meantime we DO need to sustain a certain quality of life.

Baron sits back at the desk and eases back in the chair smirking with disappointment.

Baron You amaze me. Both of you. We are clearly on the verge of the greatest discovery in the history of the human race and you have the gall to yammer on about bills and clothes? I can’t even verbalize how small minded you sound right now.

Yulisa Small minded? Ohhhh…I would really enjoy bashing your arrogant fucking head in. How dare you! We have done everything to support you and given up everything to try and make this thing work. If we sold that piece of shit we would have enough money to last a lifetime. A lifetime!

Baron Well Yulisa, now you just sound desperate. There would be no selling. If anyone even finds out that ship is here, the government will swoop in, shut down this entire block, and take it. You can guarantee we would be erased. Look, it’s not your fault. Some people just aren’t meant to be explorers. You are either built with it or you are not. I’m sorry to have burdened you all with this situation.

Big Kim Ok, you’re clearly just being an asshole now. I think we are all really stressed out, really tired, and all need a good bangbang.

Big Kim walks over to Baron and puts her hand in his lap.

Big Kim I want a disease from the jungle.

Yulisa I’m not fucking him. Not like this.

Baron Don’t flatter yourself. I’m not touching anybody. I do not engage in loser sex.

Big Kim steps back. Big Kim What is that supposed to mean?

Baron It means that both of your priorities are on some petty ass shit. You don’t dictate when this expedition goes on hiatus. I brought you into this and it will be completed. I’ll merc both those things as a toast to Uzbekistan but I’m not rocking bodies to putting anything on hold. I am certainly not boning to the tune of getting some bullshit jobs for the next few months. Give me a hot cup of coffee and I’ll go out right now and jack some hustlers. I’ll stomp the rent out of some pimply faced pitbull jockey. I mean for Christ’s sake, I leave for a few weeks and the whole world goes to complete shit.

Big Kim You know what? You used to be so beautiful. If you’re not willing to work with us on this then I don’t even know why we are here. I don’t know about you Yulisa but I know I have better things to do than deal with this.

Baron If you don’t know why you are here, then you should probably get the fuck out.

Yulisa You’ve become a goddamned charity case man. Look at your sad mess. I used to hear about you, see pictures of you in the paper, read about all your adventures. I was like wow, that’s my husband right there. Wish that was the Baron I still knew. Cause the real one is a disappointment. Now let’s get some dinner. What are we doing for Christmas? Just get off the plane and bring a whole mess of nervous energy in here. I’m trying to go get a Christmas tree and you are on some ‘let’s go rob people’ shit. You

9 are getting more and more lost baby. I was much better last week when you weren’t here with all your mess. Let’s go girl.

Yulisa turns and begins to walk away.

Big Kim Goodbye asshole. I hope you have a nice lonely Christmas. I hope that spaceship got some good pussy. That’s all you’re getting.

Baron Goodbye. Go find some limp dick tricks to take your broke asses to dinner. Maybe they’ll buy you some clean panties…talk to you about health insurance and tax benefits.

Kim picks up the bottle of scotch and hurls it against the wall. As it shatters Baron sits stoically in his chair watching them leave. As the door slams he opens a drawer of his desk and pulls out another bottle of scotch and fills his glass. He pulls on the liquid and rolls it around in his mouth before swallowing. His face falls into a heavy frown as his eyes well up with tears. Fighting back the tears he starts to mumble to himself.

Baron I’ve got another bottle. Just need to get some sleep. Everybody needs some sleep. Maybe if I get some sleep we can win the lotto tomorrow. I don’t want the money. I just want these bitches to shut up.

Baron stands up and starts screaming at the door and pounding his desk.

What do people want from me? I just need a goddamned key for my goddamned spaceship. Is going to the far reaches of the universe too much to ask? Go find some rich lawyer who is going to take you to another planet! Go find some prick doctor who is going to-

Baron falls down in his chair laughing with exhaustion realizing how ridiculous he sounds. He walks over and starts to stroke the cooling spaceship. Baron You are so beautiful. I love you so much. Help me get you home sweetie pie. You are the greatest thing I have ever seen in my life. If it’s possible I’ll put it in. I’ll even give you a reach around. You just let me know if you have a pleasure portal. Drink holder? Maybe?

Suddenly there is a bang and loud commotion coming from the door. Through the glass is a busy mass of moving silhouettes. Baron throws the tarp over the ship.

Baron Oh, for the love of God. If they told anybody. Baron yells toward the door. It’s open!

A large mass of people flood into the warehouse and rush towards Baron’s desk. They are all concerned parents crying about their missing children.

Baron Whoa everybody, calm down. I can’t understand anything you’re saying.

Mrs. Veloz My son Billy is gone!

Mr. Williams So is my little daughter. Someone broke in last night and took her.

Mr. Fiffer All of our children are gone. We have no idea what happened. Please Baron, we need your help.

Baron Ambrosia Did you call the police?

Mr. Williams We called everybody but you guys are the best. Please I feel sick. We don’t even know where to start. Godammit somebody took my daughter!

Mr. Williams pukes in the garbage can.

Baron Come on! Shit! Everybody just relax. Take a few deep breaths. We’ll take the case. You have my word that I will find your children. Give me an hour and I‘ll start making rounds to your houses to look for evidence.

Everyone files out.

Baron Mr. Williams, take that can with you please.

INT. BRONX APARTMENT OF MRS. VELOZ, DAY Baron arrives in the apartment of Mrs. Veloz with his detective kit.

Mrs. Veloz This is where my grandson sleeps. He usually wakes me up, but this morning he never came in.

Baron So you didn’t hear anything all night. You weren’t awoken by sounds.

Mrs. Veloz No, nothing…and I am a light sleeper.

Baron smells near the child’s bed.

Baron These sheets smell like brimstone.

Mrs. Veloz What’s brimstone?

Baron Sulfur. It could be from the water you wash the sheets with. But that would be more common with well water, not city water. Bring me your sheets.

Baron smells the sheets. Baron Interesting. Your sheets don’t smell at all. Mrs. Veloz begins to cry. Mrs. Veloz He was such a bad boy. I am so sorry.

Baron Don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault.

Mrs. Veloz No, I wished for him to go away sometimes. Now he is gone and I just want him back.

INT. BRONX APARTMENT OF THE WILLIAMS FAMILY, DAY Baron tries to open the window to the fire escape.

Baron Could your daughter get out to the fire escape?

Mr. Williams She never has.

Baron finds some strands of fur along the window sill and collects it.

Baron Do you have a dog or a cat Mr. Williams?

Mr. Williams I have one cat, but she hasn’t come out of the bedroom since Shelly disappeared.

Baron begins to sneeze Mr. Williams I’m sorry are you allergic to cat hair?

Baron No…I’m only allergic to goats.

INT. BARON’S APARTMENT, DUSK Baron walks up the stairwell of the Bronx River Houses. He walks to his apartment door and rips off an eviction notice. The door is unlocked. Inside is freezing cold and vandalized. Big Kim and Yulisa have written hate letters all over the walls in lipstick. The floor is covered in broken furniture. The walls are decorated with dozens of melted spaceship keys. Baron goes into the bathroom and turns on the bath. He reaches into the ceiling tiles and pulls out a satchel of roots and empties it into the steaming water. He lights several jarred candles that rest on the edges of the tub. Stripping down, he slips into the milky water. A long shot views him bathing from across the unlit apartment. Baron scrubs his neck with a washcloth then lies back placing it over his eyes. As he sits and meditates, the room slowly fills with an evil presence. Clouds of darkness begin to swirl in the water. The shot cuts to Baron’s fuzzy POV from behind the washcloth. Slowly a figure blocks out the light. Startled, Baron quickly rips the washcloth from his face. No one is there. A loud crash comes from across the apartment. He jumps out of the bath and pushes the candles into the water to extinguish the light, then runs out into the living room. He darts around in the darkness and suddenly the front door slams shut. He runs toward the door and bursts into the hall naked. No one is there. An envelope is sticking to his wet foot. He picks up the letter. “If you ever want to see the kids again show up at the Mogum Bogum at Midnight.”

INT. MOGUM BOGUM BAR, MIDNIGHT Baron wanders into a dark Mambo club. He sits at the bar and orders a drink.

Bartender It’s paid for.

Baron By who?

Bartender signals to a large hooded figure in the back of the club sitting at a curved booth. Baron walks right back out the front door. He walks down a side alley and re-enters the club through the back door. He walks through a few back rooms and comes up behind the figure in the booth. He waits for a moment and then wraps a power cord from a lamp around the figure’s neck, pulling tightly.

Baron Don’t know if you heard, but I am not too keen on kidnappers buying my drinks.

A gravelly choking voice comes out of a white beard from beneath the hood.

Santa Is that anyway to greet an old friend?

Baron releases and pulls down the hood revealing a grizzled Viking of a man with a massive head of white hair and a tobacco stained beard.

Baron Kris??

Santa What’s left of him. Sit down.

Baron Christ! Kris I could have crushed your windpipe.

Santa Not likely.

Baron What are you doing in the Bronx? You should have told me you were coming. Wait, did you send me that letter?

Santa I fucked up kid. I should’ve never brought him back.

Baron Brought who back?

Santa Krampus.

Baron Krampus?

Santa Things used to be so much easier. A hundred years ago the good kids got toys, the bad kids got…well they got Krampus. There was order…there was discipline. There was fear…there was consequence. Now the naughty list doesn’t mean anything. These kids are terrible.

Baron So you two used to work together?

Santa puts out a bunch of old sepia pictures of him and Krampus on the table.

Santa You could say that. We were both hold outs from the dark times. He was once a greatly revered fertility God of the Solstice…a hero amongst all the Pagan sects. Some say he was around since the saturnalias. I was a bastard son of Odin. A feral Viking…a woodland shaman. Once the church gained power and turned Christmas into…well, Christmas, they vanquished all of the pagan traditions. I was adopted from the wilderness and converted to Christianity. Krampus wouldn’t change…couldn’t change. So I would parade him around in chains to show the church’s domination over the old ways. I would bring the toys and candy to the God fearing. He would bring the coal and switches. Chains or not Krampus didn’t care as long as he got his souls. His offering.

Baron

How would he get them?

Santa The worst of the worst were put in his basket and taken away.

Santa points at the floor.

Baron What is he going to do to them?

Santa First, he is going to fatten them up.

Baron He is going to eat the children?

Santa Yes. He will cook them all up and eat their flesh and drink their souls.

Santa buries head in hands.

Baron What kind of ghastly shit is that? What were you thinking man?

Santa I guess after a hundred years I only remember the good times. I thought he would scare a few kids…instill some order. I didn’t know he would take them all. Shit. I was tired….I was drunk.

Baron I’ve done some dumb shit when I was drunk, but Nick…this is pretty epic.

Baron smiles. Santa smiles and shakes his head.

Santa Krampus and I…we used to be friends.

Baron What happened…why did you stop working together in the first place?

Santa It’s a long story. Right now I just want to figure out a way to get those kids back.

Baron You know a lot more than me. Can you call him on the phone?

Santa Ho ho ho. No. He must be summoned. I can only summon him once a season during the solstice.

Baron Krampusnacht!

Santa Once he has the children, he goes back to his abyss and fattens them up until Christmas Eve. He must eat them all before dawn…the evil ends before Christmas day.

Baron So we still have time. What’s the plan?

Santa I used to bring him around in chains. The blacksmith pounded them with a blessed hammer and then cooled them with Holy Water. As long as he wore them I could keep him under my control. I thought I could control him this time without them. If we can just get him in the chains I can force him to give back the children.

Santa pushes a canvas bag of chains under the table with his foot.

Baron Alright. So I just need to find a way to summon him.

Santa There were certain secret societies that pay him homage. They would bring him sacrifice in exchange for favors and powers.

Baron Alright, sounds easy. I’ll find the local Krampus Auxiliary, walk in the front door, and ask them for their secret chant.

Santa They are mostly in Austria and Germany.

Baron Even better.

Santa We will ask the Tannenbaum.

Baron Oh Christ! There has to be another way. This is kind of a new suit.

Santa Come on, I saw a lot of fir trees next door.

Baron shakes his head with a sigh. Baron Had to be the Tannenbaum. Give me the chains.

EXT. CHRISTMAS TREE LOT, AFTER MIDNIGHT Santa and Baron wander into a snowy star-lit Christmas tree lot. Baron struggles with the heavy bag of chains. Snowflakes quietly fall as the stars twinkle.

Baron Wow, these must be a hundred pounds. These are the real deal.

Baron drags the bag. Santa Aw Baron. You’re a good friend, kid.

Santa hands him a bag full of chains. Santa Here boy, a blue spruce...perfect. Alright, let’s smoke some baccy to bless the air.

The two pause in front of a thick, bushy fir tree and take out their pipes. Santa hands Baron his tobacco pouch. Santa Here, try my baccy.

Baron smells it. Baron Whoa…what’s that? Black hellbore?

Santa Hohoho! A bunch of stuff. Santa falls over Baron I’m already on empty. If I smoke this, I’ll fall asleep right here. I’ll smoke my wake up blend.

Santa Keep the pouch. I have more in the sleigh.

Santa puffs away and pulls out a flask. He pours a circle of liquid surrounding them and the tree.

Santa Stay inside the circle.

Baron catches his balance as he lights his pipe. Baron Whoops…ok.

Santa unrolls his satchel on the ground revealing a mish mash of ritualistic items. He hands Baron a handful of white candles.

Santa Adorn her. Baron decorates the tree with candles and lights them. Santa puts a gold crown atop the tree, then sprinkles it with a sparkling dust. Santa sings in a chant-like voice.

Santa Awaken, oh Tannenbaum. Awaken all-seeing Goddess of the forest.

Suddenly there is the sound of wood stretching. A woman’s face pushes out from the trunk of the tree at eye level. Her eyes glow and her face is covered in bark. She speaks in a heavy Nordic accent. She is writhing with sensuality.

Tannenbaum Son of Odin. Why have you summoned me?

Santa We pray that you may see for us. We pray you may reveal the path to Krampus.

Tannenbaum What do you offer me?

Santa We offer whatever it is you command of us

Tannenbaum Will you give me satisfaction?

Santa leans in and starts to caress and kiss the tree. Baron watches as Santa’s hand disappears low into the branches. There is a moist sucking sound. Baron twists his head uncomfortably. Tannenbaum breathes in with a moan. Santa pushes his fat tongue into her mouth and whispers to her ear.

Santa I will commence with the sacred transgression, my oracle…until the vision is illuminated. I will pleasure you until you can see.

She stops abruptly and looks at Baron. Tannenbaum No, it must be him.

Santa My Goddess, he is but a whelp…he does not know the ancient symbols.

Tannenbaum Then it shall not be.

Santa pulls Baron aside whispering.

Santa Ok, so you may have a bit of a bildungsroman on your hands. Do you have a metamorphic Doogan?

Baron What?

Santa Can your cock change shape?

Baron Ummmm…not in an unconventional sense.

Santa Damn!! Alright use your hand and I’ll show you the symbols.

Baron Look, this was your idea. I’m not about to-

Santa Think of the children…no I didn’t mean think of- Baron please do it for the children…God have mercy on their angelic souls. If you don’t do this they will all DIE!

Baron You do realize I have had a really bad couple of days.

Santa Sex demon.

Baron closes his eyes and spins around with dramatic tango movement.

Baron My wooden Queen, I descend upon thy sweet garden with utmost savagery.

Baron’s hand disappears deep into the tree and he begins to penetrate with his hand. Tannenbaum lets out a cry as Santa Claus holds her from behind and puffs excitedly on his pipe.

Santa (Whispers) Faster.

Santa begins to chant in tongues as Tannenbaum begins to scream. Baron’s arm thrusts away.

Santa Now the Crest Crufix!

Santa holds up his fingers in a twisted formation. Baron pulls his hand out and does the same, then re- enters. Tannenbaum screams louder.

Santa The Vilfalcorum!

As the scene intensifies, Santa holds up a different finger arrangement. Baron follows suit. Tannenbaum heightens.

Santa The NICIOUSBDICTUS!!! Quickly lad, quickly!

Baron does the hand movement and thrusts wildly as Tannenbaum begins to seizure. She cries out.

Tannenbaum Pharaoh Bishop Mandrake!!!!

Santa Look out!!!

Baron pulls out his hand and Tannenbaum begins spraying sap wildly form her crotch. Baron and Santa wrestle with the tree as the sap propels it about. Santa gets sprayed terribly by the geysering sap. The three fall to the ground with a great thud. Santa get ups and looks at the now lifeless tree.

Santa Hohohohoho!! That’s it, she’s gone. You okay?

Baron Aside from a couple of splinters I’ll survive. She said Pharaoh Bishop Mandrake. What the hell is that?

Santa Sounds more like ‘a who’ than ‘a what’.

The two start to walk back towards the street.

Baron Well whatever the case…it’s a lead. We need to get these kids home safely and protect your reputation. Christmas cannot be destroyed. Did you come here via sleigh?

Santa Yeah. It’s on the roof of the bar.

Santa falls back down, half drunk. The two wander into a snow covered alleyway.

Baron How much did you drink? Come stay at my place. The reindeer aren’t going anywhere.

Santa I’m fine. They do the driving. I just tell them where to go.

Baron Alright, then. I guess just watch out for low airplanes.

Santa After this is all done, I really want you and the girls to come up to the Workshop for a few days. The wife makes one hell of a roast walrus.

Santa gives Baron a big drunk hug. Then pinches his cheek.

Santa You’re a good boy.

INT. OLD LIBRARY, NIGHT TIME Baron puffs his pipe and searches through old manuscripts and letters in the back of the Bronx library. He comes across an article that speaks about an old record with backward masking. An eccentric jazz musician heavy into the occult named Pharaoh Bishop Mandrake. He made a record many years ago called Mister Mistletoe. It was a Christmas record, but if you played it backwards you could summon Krampus. He also discovers that there is an abandoned Temple on the outskirts of the Bronx that was used by the Hessian Birchwood Society for sacrifices during the solstice.

EXT. PAYPHONE STREET Baron walks up to an old pay phone and dials. An older woman picks up on the other end.

Aunt Lucy Hola??

Baron Hola. This is Baron. May I please speak with Kim or Yulisa?

Aunt Lucy Baron, it’s four in the morning.

Baron Sorry, but I need to speak with them.

Aunt Lucy They are not here. They didn’t come here.

Baron Well if they do, tell them I need to speak to them please. Kim’s voice chimes in. Big Kim What do you want?

Baron Why did you wreck our house?

Big Kim We were just redecorating that rat pit. You thought we would be sitting there waiting for you?

Baron Look, you were cool. I was in a nasty way when I saw you guys. I was a bit unkind.

Big Kim You were an asshole.

Baron Baby, I had a rough trip. We shouldn’t have even tried that key until after we all caught up and gave each other some love. That was my fault. Should’ve had some good food and went some place cozy.

Big Kim It’s like you didn’t even miss us.

Baron I did. Man when they were gonna gut me through my asshole all I could think about was getting back to my babies.

Big Kim Well now there is all this good wet stuff over here and there is nothing you can do about it.

Baron Oh, I’ll do something about it. I’m throbbing over here. Yulisa grabs the phone. Yulisa Oh yeah? Then go jerk off. We peed on all your cravats.

The phone is slammed down. Baron looks into the receiver.

Baron I got a job. He hangs up and prepares to call again. He rehearses out loud.

Baron I got a job…we got a job. There is a job. I need help. You know what…never mind. Peed on my cravats? Someone is going to pay that

Deciding not to call back, he hangs up the phone and stands still and investigates his hand. He tries to pull out a splinter with his teeth and winces. Baron starts to tune into a boisterous hustler standing on the corner bragging to a young understudy.

Hustler I’ll sell to anybody. That’s the game. A pregnant bitch, or a ten year old snitch. That’s how we do out here. Seriously though, that old man was begging for mercy kid.

Lil Hustler I heard man. That’s hardcore.

Hustler Yeah B. I cut off a piece of his rug and wiped it all up on my ass then stuck it in the hole under his titty. Screaming like a biiiitch!

Lil Hustler Word? Hahahaha!

Hustler Renamed that nigga pita pocket man. Call the fucking the po-po on me? I’m out here making an example of these old niggas B.

Baron speaks up from his perch by the pay phone.

Baron Make an example of me.

Hustler Am I talking to you fam?

Baron Seriously. I would like for you to cut off a piece of my rug and shove it in a hole under my titty. Is that what you do?

Hustler When you see grown folks talking I suggest you mind your own before you get stomped out. It’s real out here. What are you, some kind of magician?

Lil Hustler Woooowww! He said ‘are you a magician’. Hahaha.

Hustler This nigga probably make dicks disappear in his mouth son.

Baron Actually, I am a magician.

Hustler Show me a trick.

Baron I don’t carry around a mirror.

Lil Hustler Ooooohhhh. Wooow!

Baron No seriously. Bend over and I‘ll make my foot disappear.

The hustler looks around and reaches into his waist band to pull out his gun.

Hustler See. Now you gonna see how we do it out here B. You gonna find out.

Baron moves in really fast and grabs it. He throws it as hard as he can up the street. It crashes into a car window up the street. Baron Poof! See that. That’s magic. You don’t need that thing. You have that big mouth piece. Let’s see those ones and twos.

The hustler starts to take off his gloves and put up his dukes.

Hustler See. See. You want to get tore up. You want to see how we do out here. I’m gonna pop you son! Little Hustler cups his hands and begins to call reinforcements

Lil Hustler Koo-koooo!!

Hustler starts bobbing and weaving at the Baron. Baron starts to mock him by gyrating his hand in front of his pants as if stroking an invisible cock. Baron Look out, here it comes. Here comes my style. I’m serious with this shit.

The Hustler rushes in and tries to land a punch. Baron pops him in the temple.

Hustler Ah bitch. Hold up.

Baron Hold on here it comes. Aaaahhh! BOOM!

Baron pops him again in the face knocking him down. The Lil Hustler runs away.

Baron Oh no. Where is everybody? You better have money in those pockets or I’m going to kill you. I am really in a bad way. If you don’t have money in those pockets with all that noise you were talking, I am gonna beat you to death and leave you here in the snow.

Baron riffles through his pockets then frisks his socks. He pulls out a bunch of drugs and stomps the small packets apart on the sidewalk. He then reaches into the man’s pants and pulls out a wad of cash. Baron sits down in the snow next to the unconscious body.

Baron This probably smells like your ass. Serves me right. I’m having a really stressful season here. Stop being a piece of shit. I better bring you inside or you are gonna get hypothermia.

Conflicted Baron begins to wrap his coat around the man’s body.

You know what, wait. You know what…you’re past help. I am out here trying to save these kids. I can’t help you man. You’re not gonna stop just because I punched your mouth. I have too much important stuff to do to get shot in the back by you tomorrow. Come here.

Baron drags the man into an alley and squeezes the hustler’s nose while covering up his mouth. The body starts to shake and seizure before going limp.

Baron Man, I feel awful. I pray for you. What did you want me to do? You should have kept walking, my brother. You shouldn’t have advertised your evil. You made it imperative.

INT. BARON APARTMENT MORNING Baron wakes up on the couch of the filthy apartment. He sits in the bath then begins to do his hair in the cracked mirror. He individually rolls up shotgun shells in his hair and pins them. After cleaning up his beard with a straight razor he retrieves a small red felt mojo bag from atop the medicine cabinet. He takes out a John the Conqueror and anoints it with oil. He puts the root back in the sack and squeezes it in his hands. He closes his eyes and prays silently before tucking the bag in his underwear.

INT. CASA AMADEO-RECORD STORE-MORNING Baron walks into Casa Amadeo Record Store and is greeted by the friendly owner.

Michael Baron Ambrosia! Merry Christmas.

Baron hands him a box of pastries. Baron Merry Christmas to you sir.

Michael Gino’s! Oh man, the good stuff.

Baron Your sugar is fine right? You can eat that stuff?

Michael It won’t be after this, but that’s ok. Haha! What can I do for ya? Picking up a little holiday music?

Baron Well, yes and no. Have you ever heard of a record called Mister Mistletoe?

Michael Who is it by? Baron looks at a piece of paper.

Baron Pharaoh Bishop Mandrake.

Michael Oh shoot, that is an old record. I’ll look. I know I have some live recordings of him in Tunisia.

Michael thumbs through some of his oldest records.

Michael You heard anything about all those missing kids?

Baron Yeah.

Michael You helping out with that?

Baron Yup.

Michael Where’s the rest of your team?

Baron They took the holiday off.

Michael Oh, it’s like that?

Looking up from box. Sorry Baron…does it have to be that particular record?

Baron It sure does.

Michael I see…You know he only lives two train stops away.

Baron Really?

Michael Yeah, he still plays with some of the cats over at the Olympia once in a while. Strange guy though. I don’t’ know what building he’s in but he always has lunch at Elsie’s. If you leave now you might catch him.

Baron Cool, thanks Mike.

Michael Is he a suspect?

Baron No, not really…it’s a music thing.

Michael Tell me when it’s all over. Good luck brother.

EXT. Street Bronx [Day-time] Baron waits outside of Elsie’s and catches Pharaoh as he leaves from his lunch. Pharaoh is meticulously dressed in a three piece suit; his hair is a tight perm with finger waves.

Baron Pharaoh Bishop Mandrake?

Pharaoh You got the wrong party junior.

Baron I know that smooth Pharaoh style anywhere.

Pharoah Do I know you Young Blood?

Baron Baron Ambrosia.

(Reaches out hand for a shake but doesn’t get a reply)

I am a big fan of your music. Nobody plays the vibes like you anymore.

Pharaoh

Hey man, if I pull it out it will be a lot easier for you to suck on it, catch me? Now don’t tell me you’re a fan. Tell me you heard me once in some Kasbah in old Algiers, puffing sheesh…maybe I put you on a cloud onetime. But don’t tell me you’re a fan. All of my fans are dead. What are you, some kind of cop?

Baron I’m a record collector…Only piece my collection’s missing is Mister Mistletoe.

(Pharaoh whips out a straight razor and holds it to Baron’s throat)

Pharaoh So you are a cop. You know what Junior, I was cutting flatfoots back to the fat meat when you were still hanging form my mamma’s titty.

(Looking down, Pharaoh realizes Baron’s sword is also at his neck)

Baron I’ve been pretty polite to you so far. I would like to continue…if you let me, that is.

(Pharaoh backs up a step) Pharaoh Look man, I didn’t have nothing to do with those kids disappearing. I haven’t summoned that demon in over 12 years. I’m off that whole thing now.

Baron I know the deal. I just want to catch him and bring those kids back to their families in time for Christmas, and I think your song might be the only way for me to find to him.

Pharaoh (Shaking head) Come upstairs.

The Horn Powder INT. Pharaoh’s Apartment [Day-time] Baron and Pharaoh walk into an old steamy apartment. Pharaoh tells him to sit down, and starts to undress. He puts his dress shirt on the radiator to dry. He pulls suspenders back up over his wife-beater. The apartment is full of dark corners. The light bulb flickers and buzzes. Baron sits down uneasily.

Pharaoh You want some bush tea?

Baron That would be great. Thank you.

(Pharaoh starts making tea) Pharaoh

I lived in Senegal for a few years and drank this tea every morning. When I found it two weeks ago in the African Market on Tremont…You know what I did?

(Baron looks up at him and nods in question) I cried….just…like…a baby. Imagine that? You ever heard a baby cry Baron?

Baron I do believe I have-

Pharaoh Sounds like this…. (Slowly turning his back to Baron and hunches over in the corner) waaaaaaghgghhhhh! w-w-w-wwaaauughhh. Imagine that…a grown man crying in a grocery aisle like a baby…over a bag of leaves. Hahahaha!

(He laughs revealing some gold capped teeth. Baron hears a commotion in the other room and nervously peers into the darkness).

Baron So when did you come up with the idea to make the Mister Mistletoe record?

Pharaoh I was in East Berlin for a few years. Don’t let those Soviet cats fool you. They love some American jazz. We played a Christmas party at the Generalmajor’s home outside the city. We had all been drinking. Now we’re sitting in his parlor. Few broads are hanging around, y’know. About five soldiers, me, my saxophonist T-Bone Skins, and my congo-man Britches McDaniel. The conversation turns to the power of the spoken word. Y’know, debating what language is more powerful…English or German. You already know those Germans love their language. And don’t let the hammer and sickle fool you…those are the same cats from the war man…just different uniforms. They still do all that Secret Society shit.

Baron The Thule Society?

Pharaoh Something like that. So the Generalmajor starts talking about the older German tongues…you know runic stuff. Now my man Britches is skunked off his ass. So he starts talking some mess. I could have shot him right in the mouth. He tells the Generalmajor there is no way the German language was more powerful than an uptown scat. Britches says a scatman can get a woman’s clothes off without even touching her. Generalmajor smiles…sits back down deep in his leather Porter’s chair, pulled on his drink, looked to his soldiers. He said that was impressive, but thought he could do better. He told Britches that if he was to recite a very sacred chant in his ancestor’s tongue that the devil himself would appear right there in that parlor. Britches, stupid, drunk, and forgetting where he was, laughs at the Generalmajor right there in front of everybody…mind you, this is a man that could shoot us then and there for no good reason at all. As you can imagine, the Generalmajor…he isn’t laughing….his Lieutenants…they aren’t laughing neither. He said if Britches would throw a few drops of his own blood in the fireplace the chant could begin. Now he proposes to make a bet that if the demon doesn’t show

he will give Britches his 1939 Mercedes G4…not only will he give it to him…he’ll pay to have it shipped back to the Bronx. . Baron And what if he did show?

(Pharaoh stares off into the distance and shakes his head in disgust. He smirks and breathes deep through his nose.) Pharaoh When I smelled that sulfur…I felt such a chill through my body. And when Krampus came out of that fireplace…he’s snarling…breathing like a bull. All those army men bowed down on the ground chanting. Generalmajor said something to him and he looked over at Britches. Oh my God…poor Britches man…he was just frozen stiff. He couldn’t run…he couldn’t cry….he became less…than nothing, man. Krampus walked over to him and pulled him into his hand…Britches turned no bigger than a ball of clay…this grown man I had known all of my life…smashed right before my eyes into a little ball of clay…he threw him over his shoulder into his basket…like some piece of fruit he had pulled off a tree…like he had never existed.

Baron No one tried to stop it?

(Ignoring Baron’s question)

Pharaoh So then he turned to the Generalmajor and broke off a piece of one of his horns…he laid it on the floor in front of him…and disappeared back into the fire.

Baron What was the horn for?

Pharaoh Man, I done a lot of poison in my day. Girl, boy, reds, yellow, whatever…I guess I just got the gene for that stuff…but nothing ever got me like that horn. After Krampus left we were all crying man…we were cold, terrified. Generalmajor ground up the horn fine and said it would make the pain go away. We snorted that black horn powder man….I stopped feeling bad about Britches…Ha ha ha. Swear I saw heaven, hell, and everything in between. Got to the point we were laughing at what a dumb motherfucker Britches was. Generalmajor knew we would need more. Shoot, I needed more and would do anything to get it. So I took the chant and hid it in the Mister Mistletoe record. No matter where I went around the world as long as I had the record I could get the horn.

Baron You were addicted to the Krampus horn? What would you give him in exchange?

(Another voice speaks up from the darkness. Baron is startled.)

T-Bone What do you think? Souls, jack. We bring him a sacrifice, he gives us some horn. He didn’t care who…men, women….children. Runaways, hookers, fiends, all that. He also loves that Sanguinaccio.

Pharaoh Baron, that’s T-Bone.

(A sickly looking man who is half asleep wearing a wife-beater, du-rag, and saxophone strap steps into the kitchen.) Baron Sanguinaccio. Like Italian blood pudding?

T-Bone When we were playing in Italy we could get it all the time. You need good pig blood and dark chocolate. If Krampus doesn’t smell blood you can play that chant for hours and it don’t make no difference….he isn’t gonna show.

Baron So you guys killed innocent people so you could get high?

(Pharaoh reaches into kitchen drawer and takes out a bag and throws it to Baron.)

Pharaoh Hehehe! High? That’s an insult. And you want to talk about innocence? No one is innocent.

T-Bone Not you, and certainly not Santa Claus.

(Baron opens the satchel and smells the powder. He looks confused trying to place the smell. He looks up and sees the reflection of Pharaoh in the window pouring a powder into his tea.)

Pharaoh Yeah, that’s the last of the good stuff. I did a lot of bad things back then. I told you though, we’re all clean now. Keep that horn powder. We don’t want it anymore; you give it back to that son of a bitch. I don’t know…maybe that’ll get me into heaven.

Baron You can give it to him yourself.

Pharaoh What do you mean? Baron pulls back the shot gun shells on his head making a cocking noise. He turns at Pharaoh

Pharaoh Whoa. What are doing? I am making you tea.

Baron shoots a shotgun shell out of his mouth shooting Pharaoh in the chest. Mouth smoking, he turns on T-Bone. T-Bone rushes at Baron with a saxophone and smashes him in the face. Baron falls to the floor. Frantic blasting sax music plays as T-Bone beats Baron.

T-Bone

He was making you tea man! What the hell’s the matter with you?

T-Bone gets on top of Baron and raises his sax for a death blow. Baron shoots another shell out of his mouth blowing T-bones head off and covering the Baron in blood. Pharaoh moans from the corner squirming with blood coming out of his mouth. Pharaoh Do me a favor now. Come on bitch set me free now.

Baron turns his head and blasts another shot. Baron stumbles to his feet and tries to wipe off some of the blood. He pulls the used shells out of his hair and reloads. He wanders through the apartment and finds the record player. He skims through the records and finds nothing. He looks in the doorway and sees the mistletoe hanging. The mistletoe is mounted on the 45 record of Mister Mistletoe. Baron rips it down.

Baron Now we just need some Sanguinaccio.

Baron cautiously walks into the hall and wipes his fingerprints off the door knob. As he turns around, a sickly looking man in an old dress, smeared lipstick and a crooked woman’s wig runs down the hall at him screaming.

Sick Queen Agggghhhhh!! Baron screams, startled. Baron Ah shit!

Right as he is about to reach Baron with his claws, Baron throws a tight right jab hitting him square in the face and dropping him to the ground. Baron God please! Enough! I can’t!

INT. Ralph’s Club, NIGHT Baron walks into the office of Ralphie Rubino, Boss of Belmont. Small groups of tough looking men are having discussions and drinking espresso.

Baron Ralphie, Merry Christmas.

Ralphie Hey, my man. Whoa you look like somebody kicked the shit out of you.

Baron Thanks, I almost forgot.

Ralphie We gotta do something?

Baron It’s already done.

Ralphie I figured as much. Hahaha! You want an espresso?

Baron God no. I don’t know what I need, but it certainly isn’t caffeine. Baron hands him a large plate covered in foil.

Ralphie Oh, what’s this?

Baron Ah nothing…I picked up a pernil. I figure the guys could make some sandwiches. Merry Christmas.

Ralphie Well that’s very nice of ya. Joey, cut this up so you guys can make some sandwiches.

Joey We don’t have any bread.

Ralph gives Joey a look. Ralph Then get some fucking bread.

Joey Alright Ralph. Hey Baron. Baron shakes Joey’s hand. Baron So how you holding up?

Ralph I’m awful. All these kids missing. My cousin’s daughter is 6 years old. The whole family is hysterical. I got all my guys trying to dig up some clues but nothing. I swear to God when I find out who’s behind this shit. What a mess.

Baron You have no idea.

Ralph Do you know something?

Baron I’m following a couple of leads. Look Ralph I need a Sanguinaccio.

Ralph Sanguinaccio? For what?

Baron I’ll tell you when it’s all finished.

Ralph No problem. It takes a while to get the good blood. The butcher needs to call the farmer so they can get it right after the pig is slaughtered. Things are crazy with the holidays and this other nonsense. Can I get it to you next week?

Baron Not if you want to see your niece again.

Ralph What are you saying?

Baron I’m saying I’m in the trenches and I need the Sanguinaccio by tomorrow.

Ralph Sounds like you’re getting in over your head on this one Baron.

Baron If I am, you’ll be the first person I call.

Ralph You’re a stubborn son of a bitch. Alright come by tomorrow and I’ll have the Sanguinaccio.

Show process of making Sanguinaccio. Also show Baron retrieving water from Our Lady of Lourdes Grotto

EXT. Hessian Temple, DAYTIME Baron treks through the snow towards the old Hessian Temple. The winds blows as he struggles with the sack of heavy chains. He puts down the record player and puts on Mister Mistletoe. As the song plays, Baron makes a circle of holy water from the Grotto and puts a small bowl of Sanguinaccio in the middle. He takes out the chains and hides behind a bush. The record reaches its end and starts to play backwards. Suddenly it gets dark. Baron hears a loud snapping of chains. He looks down and the chains are around his wrists and ankles. He feels himself being pulled toward the door of the Temple. Baron kicks and screams as he is dragged through the snow in the chains. When he reaches the door he disappears in a poof of smoke.

INT. KRAMPUS’S CHAMBER Baron is in a large dark chamber. He can’t move. He sees a silhouette of a man with a pot for a head sharpening a large cleaver on a stone wheel. In the distance there is fire and the groaning of souls. Suddenly, a pair of feet walks out of the darkness. One is cloven the other is a human foot.

Krampus Well well well. Hoped to catch yourself a Krampus did ya? Baron Ambrosia, I have been waiting a long time for this.

Baron struggles but can’t move

Krampus Those chains aren’t any fun are they? I know they prevent you from doing what you really want to do.

Licks Baron’s face with a long tongue.

Krampus Oh, you are sweet one.

Baron Where are the children?

Krampus The children…they are right here. Do you want to see them?

Krampus reaches out and takes Baron’s soul and throws it into the basket on his back. Baron falls through space screaming. He falls back into his body shivering with smoke coming off it.

Baron Send them back to their families you ghastly bastard!

Krampus Not until I have my dinner.

A voice from out of the darkness. Santa You promised you would send them back as soon as I brought him to you.

Baron Santa?

Santa I’m sorry Baron…it was the only way to save the children.

Krampus

But why??? Aren’t you wondering why I so desperately desire you in my pot good Baron?

Santa Krampus! No, he doesn’t need to know that.

Krampus Come now Shaman. Little Baron should get a history lesson.

Baron Know what?

Krampus We worked together…a partnership approved by the highest authority. I represented the old way and Young Saint Nicholas, Christ Kindle represented a new way. Light and darkness. Joy and pain. We became friends, if you can call it that. Or so I thought. You may find this strange but I had a wife. A beautiful wife. I was not the only one who thought so.

Santa We were in love!

Krampus You were in lust! This jovial cherry faced Cherub beloved by all, the great gift bringer. It wasn’t enough to drag me about in chains to be feared and scorned. He had to take the only light in this abyss.

Santa I never took her. She loved you.

Krampus He would have people summon me so he could come down here and embrace her in the brimstone. Have her in the flames.

Santa Please, no more.

Krampus She was with child. Fat with child. I thought it was mine. She died giving birth, but the child lived. The child bore the mark on its foot. But this child had no horns…no fur like us.

Baron Recessive trait?

Krampus I had just lost my wife, and found out she had given birth to another man’s child. A son. I could not imagine whose child. Where? When? Could it have been an accident? All I knew was I would eat this bastard son. No sooner did I think it and who appears to see me but my old dear friend Santa Claus. He said we must keep the child so we could find who the real father was and destroy them. I was so weak with grief and shame I didn’t think to stop him. As soon as he left I realized the way he looked at the child…it was his. He took you…he hid you.

Santa I took you to the Caucasus. I left you with a regal family. Someplace you could grow strong and be safe.

Baron You’re my father?

Santa I’m a lot of people’s father kid.

Krampus He hid you well. I looked for that mark on every child I encountered, hoping someday I would find you. That was the end of us. Santa Claus never summoned me again…until…

Santa Last Christmas.

Krampus He thought I couldn’t get to him…but if there is one thing I know he loves, it’s his cookies. I have people up there and when Christmas came around…

Baron You had them bake horn powder in the cookies.

Krampus The old fat man was hooked. Like a virus. Hahaha. He knew what it was. He knew it was me…but there was nothing he could do about it. Once you get a taste of horn you’re hooked.

Santa begins to weep. Santa I’m so sorry Baron.

Krampus I knew sooner or later, he would come crawling down here looking for a fix. I said give me my old job back. I said no chains this time.

Baron So you grabbed the whole naughty list?

Krampus Every last one of them…and when Santa Claus begged me to let them live…I said on one condition: I wanted the one that got away…the bastard.

Baron I knew the horn powder smelled familiar! It was in your tobacco. You set me up.

Santa sobs heavily with drool and snot running into his beard.

Santa I’m sorry Baron. It was the only way to save the children.

Baron Well, you know what? You go ahead and heat that stew pot you pathetic flea bitten man rat, and you snort your bloated drunk head off you crusty old gnome. This whole clever plan of yours …this big ruse to get me down here, it was all a waste of time. I would have sacrificed myself to save these kids without a second thought. All you had to do was ask.

Silence. Krampus goes to stab the Baron with a large pitch fork.

Krampus So be it! Die bastard. Krampus is thrown back by a force of energy.

Santa I was hoping you would say that Baron. Seems we are at an impasse.

Krampus What are you talking about?

Santa A selfless act…the Baron has freely made a sacrifice…he is impervious to your evil. He is protected.

Krampus Fine with me…then the children of the Bronx will go right into the pot.

Baron stands up. Baron How about a wager?

Krampus What kind of wager?

Baron If I win we all go free. If I don’t I’ll jump into your pot myself.

Santa What’s the contest?

Baron Ever raced a sleigh?

EXT. SLEIGH TRACK, DAY Establishing shot pulls out of a snow blown mountain top. Slow hero music builds as glory shots jib over Baron and Krampus’s horse drawn sleighs. The horses breathe steaming mist. Baron’s face is covered in tribal war paint and he is wearing a large bear coat. Krampus sharpens his horns and ties the reins around his wrists. Santa Claus stands on the ground in between the two sleighs.

Santa This is it. Whoever can get their sleigh up the Matterhorn and back is the victor. What happens in between…is what happens. Hau ab!

Baron and Krampus crack their whips and the sleighs roar into motion. The two sleighs fire through the exploding white powder. Baron looks forward demonically while mercilessly throttling his reins. Krampus lashes his tongue wildly and laughs madly as he does the same. The two sleighs race up the Matterhorn, neck and neck. Krampus takes out a carrot on a long stick and dangles it in front of Baron’s horse. The horse eats it and then explodes covering Baron in gore. Baron screams out and takes out his out his sword. He tries to reach over to cut at Krampus. Unable to reach, he cuts Krampus’ horses loose. The horses run off and Krampus’ sleigh crashes violently in a bluff. Baron grits his teeth and rounds the peak of the Matterhorn hard and begins his return back down toward the finish line. He looks over and sees Krampus is not in the wreck, when he turns his head back, Krampus is on the front of Baron’s sleigh. Krampus jumps on Baron and starts ripping at his face with razor claws. Baron drops the reins and holds back Krampus’s hands and head-buts his face. Blood is pouring everywhere. Santa begins running from the distance. The two bodies fall off the sleigh violently into the snow. In a roaring growling frenzy Krampus bites through Baron’s shirt and rips off a piece of flesh. His lashes the meat down his throat with his lizard-like tongue.

Krampus Oh, you are sweet bitch. Ohhhh just like your mother! I will eat every part of you!

Screaming, Baron flips Krampus over and begins punching his face in. Baron becomes more and more demonic with each punch. His eyes turn red and teeth start to emerge. Santa runs clumsily through the snow while yelling unintelligibly. Baron stands shakily above Krampus and puts his foot on his forehead and grabs his horns.

Baron This ends now!

Krampus screams and growls like a stuck pig. With all his power, Baron rips off both of Krampus’ horns. The sound is horrible, like splintering wood.

Krampus Aggggghhhhh!

Santa runs up to the gory scene.

Santa Don’t kill him! Don’t destroy the horn!!

Baron You want the horn old man?

Baron stabs Santa in the stomach with both horns. Santa keels over and begins coughing up blood. Unaffected, Baron stumbles away, grabs his horse by the reins and limps bleeding toward the finish line. He crosses it and falls flat on his face in the snow. At the sound of Krampus growling, he picks himself up and grabs his sword. He drags himself back to the scene and lifts Krampus’ head, resting it on a stump. Baron I won the race. You lost your horns. Are you ready to lose your head?

Krampus They are back. Santa looks thoughtfully into the distance. Santa Aye, the children have been returned.

Baron So then we don’t need your head anyway….save for a snuff mull on my desk.

Baron raises the sword high above his head.

Krampus So foolish you are Baron. My job is a thankless one but it is important. The evil in the world flourishes without the fear of consequence. I was once very feared. The most evil of the little lots I would drag down to my cauldron so they never had a chance to become evil adults. You see me as a devil but I am nothing more than a filter.

Baron That’s where you are wrong Krampus. Children are born with pure hearts…they only know their surroundings, their situation. But they can be saved. If you want to find the true evil you are in the wrong age bracket.

Santa But that is the way of the Naughty List.

Baron What do you mean?

Santa takes out a rolled up scroll and begins to read it.

Santa Only those from 4 to 14 shall be judged under the harshest consequences of the Naughty List.

Baron That’s idiotic. If you want to fix things we need to change it.

Santa

It cannot be done Baron. Only one with Claus blood can make changes to the List, and after what happened today, I won’t have it.

Baron grabs the scroll and begins writing in his blood.

Baron Well, in that case, I might as well put my bastardry to good use. Let’s change this…18 to 81. Krampus…you and I are done…and I believe you have some work to do.

Krampus You are wiser than your father Baron. Our war is over.

Krampus melts into the snow with a steaming puff of brimstone. Santa struggles to get up, holding his side. Baron sits on the stump and Santa plumps down next to him with a pained gasp. Santa pulls some herbs out of his satchel and begins rubbing them on his wounds. He hands some to Baron.

Santa Put these on the wounds. They’ll heal quickly. That was a bold move, boy.

Baron fights back tears of exhaustion as he rubs the herbs on his bleeding broken face.

Baron So tired. I didn’t ask for this.

Santa Thanks for fixing this…son.

Baron Don’t fucking call me that old man. A long time ago I had parents. I had a father who raised me. So don’t you dishonor him by calling me son!

Santa I know. I wish you didn’t know…or least didn’t find out like this. What now?

Baron I need a ride home?

There is a pause and then Baron laughs. Santa begins laughing. They both totally crack up in hysterics.

Santa Yeah, promise not to stab me again and you’ve got a deal.

Baron As long you don’t trade my soul for a fix we’ll be just fine. Hahaha! No really, I think you need help.

EXT. SLEIGH RIDE Santa Claus tears through the night sky with his sleigh as Baron sleeps in the passenger seat. Flurries of snowflakes blow through his bloodied hair.

INT. BARON’S APARTMENT Baron wakes up in his apartment. He is bandaged up and clean. Christmas music is playing in the other room. He limps in to find Big Kim and Yulisa decorating a small tree.

Baron Hello.

Yulisa Oh my God. They rush Baron and hug him.

Big Kim Damn, we thought you were gonna die. We came in here and you were out cold.

Yulisa You have been sleeping for days.

Big Kim Who did this to you?

Baron It’s a long story

Yulisa People are saying you solved the case of the missing kids. Why didn’t you call us?

Baron I did call you.

Big Kim I have somebody else saying you killed some guy over on Tremont. We were so worried you were dead.

Yulisa Where did all that cash come from?

Baron I just really need a cup of coffee.

Big Kim Yeah. Then if you are up to it we are going to my Aunt’s for Christmas dinner.

Baron

It’s Christmas?

Yulisa Yeah. We waited. We didn’t open our gift. We said if you died we wouldn’t open it at all. But you’re awake now so...

Baron What gift?

Big Kim & Yulisa That gift.

Both girls point to a neatly wrapped box in the corner with a large ribbon on it. Baron walks over and studies it. A small label on it reads, ‘from Santa’.

Yulisa Can we open it? Baron starts to unwrap it. Big Kim Whoa. Ummm…never mind.

Baron rips open the box to reveal a new spaceship key. All three look at it in amazement.

Baron Merry Christmas old man.

FINAL MONTAGE A final montage combines images of Baron, Yulisa, and Big Kim in the old warehouse approaching the spaceship wearing their Sunday best. They each have small suitcases. This scene is inter-spliced with shots of Krampus taking the souls of drug dealers, child molesters, rapists, dog fighters, crooked politicians, and Network heads. Baron pushes the key into the ignition and the spaceship closes. The girls let out a scream. Light swirls about the craft as it ignites and crashes through the roof of the warehouse.

END CREDITS-Credits over Images As the small spherical craft flies through different dimensions Baron’s and the girls’ bodies are silhouetted in different sex positions in the large round window of the craft. As the sky around the craft turns shades of purple, pink and yellow, their bodies start to meld together. The ship lands and the door opens. A creature emerges that is a combination of Baron, Yulisa and big Kim. The creature gazes out onto a strange new world.

Creature Preposterous!

THE END