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Note to Little Miss Hot Pants

WRITER | Nikki Igbo ILLUSTRATOR | Catlin Scroggie

ear Young Lady Who Appears to are barely covered by your . I feminine wiles in unnecessary layers Be Suffering from Heat in Both a know why you felt comfortable enough of baggy clothes. Literal and Figurative Sense, wearing that get-up to school. With each passing year of your adoles- I’m not mad at you. I want to put my You were a late bloomer in high cence, you willed your body to take a arm around your shoulders and give school, weren’t you? While other curvier shape. You imagined yourself you a friendly squeeze. The truth is teenage girls had cleavage, hips, in tight little black , tight little that I see a bit of my younger self in boyfriends and hickies you were a turtleneck , tight little skinny you. While some of our fellow class- card-carrying member of the itty bitty with at the ankles. You, mates may whisper behind upheld you-know-what committee. Your face however, lacked the appropriate form palms or shake their heads in disap- was pretty. Your hair was long and to fit into any of those things. Still you proval, I know exactly where you’re luxurious. But from the neck down, hoped. You did your bust-increasing coming from. I know why you chose it wasn’t difficult to mistake you for a exercises in the bathroom mirror. You today’s ensemble despite the boy. You were a gangly collection of made sure to sleep on your back or cool temperatures predicted in today‘s sharp angles and flat surfaces both your side at night. You did step aero- forecast. I know why your butt cheeks coming and going. You hid your lack of bics to round out your backside. You

36 even tried to trick your mom into or- been. You know that it is rather risqué dering you Suzanne Somer’s Butt Mas- to this way while attending your ter (LBX) while it was on sale with the classes but you don’t care. You are a ThighMaster Gold for a low, low price special force and your body is your ally. of $29.99. But you saw no results. You don’t have to get permission from your parents to wear anything like your You resigned yourself to being a book- buxom friends did in high school. You worm nerd with no social life. are a young adult with carte blanche to be as naked in public as you’d like. A curious thing happened the summer just before your senior year of high Go ahead. Take advantage of it. Do school. As you drove from state to it now while you still can. While you state in the backseat of your parents’ can still eat anything you want and charcoal gray Hyundai Sonata touring not have to spend a sweaty second in college after college, you wore no . anyone’s gym. Do it before that next It was too hot. In June there was barely big summer of change. Before that anything to lift anyway. In August, after summer of eating a steady diet of visiting Oklahoma, Louisiana, Ala- Jack-in-a-Box big cheeseburgers with bama, Georgia, Ohio, New York, Illinois that hot guy with the long curly hair. and then crossing back to California, You will spend hours upon hours with you changed. You emerged from the this guy in the apartment he shares You will find yourself searching online car a size zero with C cups. with his cousin smoking pot, having for diet plans and exercise techniques. sex, playing RPG games on Xbox and You’ll buy those stupid magazines at You became a babe. making trips to the drive-through. the supermarket checkout that prom- ise to give you flat abs in 30 days. They You started to feel more confident Your body will continue to get curvier won’t. You’ll practice portion control. wearing your scoop neck t- in a good way before starting to get Then you’ll find a recipe for pumpkin and your tailored striped slacks with rounder in a very bad way. Your boobs cheesecake and you will binge eat. the . You took your hard- will get heavier. Your backside will You’ll feel guilty and return to your diet earned part time job money and you get rounder. You will like this. No, you and P90x fitness regimen but eventu- began to build your new . You will love this. But then cellulite will ally you will get used to the fact that bought all the tight, little things you begin to march its way up the back of you may end up being a size 10 just could find. your thighs. You will start to develop like your mom. muffin-. You think a larger size in So, here you are today in our college pants will solve the problem. You won’t My dear, one day you will be sitting in cafeteria. You have arrived at woman- mind being a size four. But then the your college cafeteria as a graduate and no one else knows or un- muffin-top will keep expanding and student pursuing an MFA in writing. derstands what a trying journey it has you will find yourself with a belly. No You will see some undergrad pranc- longer washboard abs. You’ll have a ing about the space wearing some- full-fledged pooch. You’ll be slower thing completely inappropriate for and less aerodynamic. the environment. You won’t judge her. You’ll smile. You’ll remember the folly You will begin to make more modest of your youth and you’ll say a prayer decisions in your apparel. You’ll give for that girl. You’ll wish her well in her up midriff tops. You’ll hate low-rise journey of self-discovery. You’ll hope jeans. You will appreciate tailored that she appreciates her own mind and dresses with high - and her beautiful body. You’ll defend lines. You will begin to realize the her wardrobe choice against fellow importance of , and classmates whispering behind upheld bracelets. You’ll restyle, cut, experi- palms. Then you’ll write her a letter. ment with and recut your hair. You’ll do just about anything to draw attention Sincerely, away from your expanding midsection. Nikki

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