The University of Surrey Students’ Union Newspaper issue 1041 www.ussu.co.uk THURSDAY 24 OCTOBER 2002 free

SERIOUSLY Imperial College rector suggests market fees must make up for a lack of government funding SEXY WEEK BONANZA A preview of the Un- ion’s awareness week and some informative £15,000 tuition fees? articles on topics that THE PRESTIGIOUS UNIVERSITY Im- By Richard Watts really matter | page 10 perial College in London is planning to charge up to £15,000 per year following We would have a system where the most DAVE & ID SCHEDULES radical proposlas suggested by its rector, Sir important thing to secure a place at university Richard Sykes. would be a healthy bank account.” The ID Having calculated that it costs £10,500 With regard to the University of Surrey and DAVE a year to teach an undergraduate student, and the possibility of top-up fees, the Vice projects Sir Sykes’ suggestion for top-up fees rep- Chancellor, Professor Patrick Dowling, details for resented the most detailed blue-print to be himself a student of Imperial College, the next few discussed by any British university regard- released a statement to barefacts, which weeks in ing the introduction of market fees. said: “I am pleased to affirm that the one glossy In an interview with the Times Higher University of Surrey has no plans to poster | Education supplement, Sir Richard said: introduce top up fees. As an institution, we page 15 “Prestigious universities cannot rely on gov- are, however, cognisant of current debates ernment to provide the resources to enhance regarding this issue and are aware that the academic standards in an international mar- landscape in which we operate is likely ket.” This echoes the sentiment of Professor to change considerably in the light of the Abdrew Oswald of the University of War- Government’s review of higher education. IN THIS WEEK’S PAPER wick, who advocated top-up fees over the The University will therefore need to summer saying “Britain cannot have first- remain sensitive to the impact of the review Attacks in and around Guildford class universities on fourth-class funding.” and respond in a strategic manner to any Students at Imperial have already staged challenges posed by it. News on further attacks and robberies to a silent protest opposing the suggestions. Under the proposals to Imperials’ fees, have taken place in Guildford over the last Students’ Union President, Sen Ganesh, the college would adopt a “needs-blind” for teaching would be spent on bursaries couple of weeks News | page 3 said: “We are concerned that most Imperial admissions system. The £47m funding for students who could not afford otherwise students are already expected to contribute council grant that the university receives to attend university. The same fee would Choose your victor to some of these costs and any extra finan- be charged for all courses in order to stop Philip Howard responds to Roland Heap’s cial burden may further increase student students choosing specific disciplines that article on a duel between George Bush and hardship.” INSIDE are less expensive to undertake, though any Saddam Hussein Comment | page 5 Though the governing council of scheme would not be introduced until the Imperial College London has approved the barefacts believes: students need to ask autumn of 2006 at the earliest. What is Student Council? extraordinary hike in fees the only vote themselves the question “why do we deserve a Sir Sykes’ proposal says that the univeristy free education? | Comment must charge “fees whcih reflect the true A look at the most important democratic against the motion was from the sole student body in the Students’ Union and how it representative. NUS National President John Slater on university mergers and economic costs of undergraduate education” works Union | page 8 Mandy Telford said: “Top up fees quite where the federation of the University of provided other universities charge similar simply would cripple higher education. Surrey lies within the future of education fees. barearts goes to lots of gigs Coldplay, Death in Vegas and the lesser- known Dream Theater: busy bunnies we have been, you know barearts | page 19 Stop the War Coalition hold talk on campus A guide to the adolescent male The five top addictions of a teenage male Local group invite speakers to motivate students for the National Day of Action adolescent throught the eyes of one Mr Andrew Mendes | page 22 THE SURREY STOP the War Coalition is By Richard Watts the issues associated with the War on Iraq to hold a talk at the University of Surrey will be shown on Thursday 31st October Ski team go skiing at least in conjunction with the Green Society on newsletter published last week, they call at 7.30pm in the Guildford Institute. For Wednesday 30th October. The talk, which for more activity and visibility beyond more information on this and any SSWC A nice couple of pictures of the King’s ski will see the Green Party MEP for South Guildford into “other town-centres where activities, please contact John Morris on races at which the University of Surrey ski East England, Caroline Lucas, speaking members live.” The Planning Committee [01483] 576400. team didn’t do too good Sport | page 28 is to take place the day before the Stop of the SSWC encourage the War Coalition has its National Day of each individual member Action. The day is designed to build on to gather signatures the momentum generated by the march on petitions, raise in London two weeks ago and will entail discussions at local lots of local events throughout the country, churches, schools and culminating in synchronised demonstrations workplaces, hand out and protests across the country. leaflets and encourage The aims of the Surrey Stop the War donations to the SSWC. Coalition are to continue to mobilise the A video, entitled public and create public awareness and “Not in My Name,” concern regarding war. In a recent highlighting some of 2 NEWS 24 October 2002 The Surrey Advertiser picks up on parking problems Estelle Morris Local MP involved in “discussions” with University chiefs faces new calls

An article appeared in the Surrey Advertiser impossible to get your car out of the roads for her resignation this week telling of the “parking nightmare” – in St John’s Road, where I live, there were faced by residents in Guildford that has 48 cars parked either side of the road.” Ms By Dan Ashley forced the University of Surrey to “review Doughty said that she has been in touch its policy on student drivers.” several times with the university but that The Education Secretary Estelle Morris is According to the article, Sue Doughty, the “nothing so far had been done.” facing renewed calls to resign - over an Member of Parliament for Guildford, has She said: “There has been a substantial apparent failure to honour her own promise met with University chiefs and was given problem, especially in Dennisville, for quite to resign if targets were missed. But in assurances that students parking in the a while, but I don’t think the university response Ms Morris says she wants “to be Dennisville residential area, close to the A3, appreciated how much of a problem it is. judged on a wide range of targets” and has would be “brought to book.” “I have taken the issue up with the rejected calls to step down. Ms Morris, who Residents are saying that the parking university more than once but have not had the local police, our Students’ Union adn faced calls to resign over the A-levels fiasco, problems in the area are acute and that one a response so hopefully now something will individual students to resolve each problem found herself at the centre of the storm after family in St John’s Road are building a drive be done.” as appropriate.” Tory researchers discovered a little-noticed to their house in order to be able to get in and On behalf of the university, it is reported barefacts has also learned of growing parliamentary exchange in 1999 in which out. It was reported that one of the Union’s that a spokesperson said: “The university is concern regarding the Walnut Tree Close she promised to resign if the targets were minibuses can also be found parked in this currently reviewing the contract which our area of Town and disturbances caused by not met by 2002. But last year, by which area quite frequently. students sign undertaking not to bring a car students on their way home from nights time she had succeeded David Blunkett as The article then goes on to say that “the to Guildford. out in Guildford. Concern has been raised education secretary, Ms Morris said that she university says a ‘review’ of its policy of “How this contract is agreed and enforced regarding students “urinating into gardens” had never pledged to resign. deterring students bringing cars would is being studied in the context of our and causing general disturbances at times be undertaken to try to find a solution to experience of other universities on this thought inappropriate by residents along the problem.” One resident, who did not issue. Where specific cases of nuisance arise the main thoroughfare between town and want to be named, said: “Sometimes it is we investigate and work with the council, campus.

THE UNIVERSITY OF Manchester’s boards of both institutions had voted for the Academics planned merger with UMIST hit a major plans to go ahead. The plan is to create the snag earlier last week when academics “fourth powerhouse” of universities in Brit- stall from the Association of University Teachers ain, alongside the golden triangle of Oxford, rejected all plans that had been proposed. Cambridge and London. The new institute This was a blow to both Manchester and would hope to offer unparalleled benefits to merger UMIST as both the senate and academic research and teaching. More next week.

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To find out more call us NOW on 0207 578 2312 or [email protected] 24 October 2002 NEWS 3 Students descend on Parliament to lobby on increasing hardship and debt Students urge MP’s to ensure a fairer funding system ahead of the student funding review due in November

THE LARGEST EVER representation of By Richard Watts students yesterday (Wednesday 23 October) took their message of increasing hardship NUS is employing in its campaign for a and debt to Westminster. Students from all fairer funding system. The very real and over the UK, including delegations from ugly threat of top-up fees has resurfaced Scotland and Wales, urged MPs to put and it is vital that MPs remember just how pressure on ministers ahead of the student hostile voters were towards tuition fees just funding review to ensure a fairer outcome 16 months ago. The student funding review than the current system. was set up after the electorate showed their The recent merger talks between University disgust at the failing funding system the College London (UCL) and Imperial government introduced in 1997. Students College have shown once again that top-up continue to graduate with higher levels of fees remain on the agenda, despite a Labour debt, despite working longer hours in paid manifesto commitment ruling them out and jobs to support themselves, to the detriment fierce hostility to tuition fees on the doorstep of their grades. The public does not want at the last general election. top-up fees and it is a brave government that Students have been lobbying their MPs ignores the views of public.” and listening to guest speakers, including Paul Wright, the Students’ Union president, Minister for Lifelong Learning, Margaret and Toni Borneo, the Vice President Hodge MP during the afternoon. Education & Welfare officer, both attended NUS National President, Mandy Telford the lobby. A report on the event will appear said: “This lobby is just one of the tools in barefacts next week.

The government’s widening participation “if too many people take degrees then their target could erode the decreasing value of value goes down.” Dr Brynin suggested Two men attacked by assailants in having a degree, according to a researcher at that expanding higher education for all was Essex University. a belated government response to a skills Malcolm Brynin warned that expansion has shortage that should have been addressed similar teenage attacks negative long-term effects for graduates, in- thrity years ago. He said the UK had not cluding over-qualification, lower job status invested in the right skills and had found By Richard Watts The first attacker was described as aged in and smaller salaries. Though it is estimated itself locked into a system of non-vocational his late teens or early twenties, white, large that graduates earn £400k more than non- qualifications. The government must ensure TWO MEN WERE robbed last Friday in build, 5ft 10in with short dark hair. He was graduates over a lifetime, Dr Brynin warned that policy delivers what is required. separate incidents thought to be carried out wearing a zipped up green jacket and dark by the same teenage assailants. In both of trousers. The second attacker was also the robberies, the victim was approached male, of slim build, white, 5ft 6in with short from bahind and had their wallets, briefcases dark hair and wearing a dark blue fleece and and personal belongings stolen. dark trousers. Photo: Chris Hunter The first attack took place along Woodbridge Meadows, after which the petty thieves ran off towards the Walnut Tree Close area – the main thoroughfare for those walking to town from the University. A couple of hours later, a man walking through the A3 underpass was attacked, losing his briefcase and suffering minor injuries to his chest as a Wednesday 30th October result of the struggle. Following this second attack, the assailants ran along the footpath towards Ash Grove and campus. Come and visit The Times stand situated in the Student Union foyer and receive your essential student goody bag. New fish and chip shop to open on the Aldershot Road The team will be there from 10am through to 5pm, so come along for your free Times newspaper and vouchers, chocolate, By Jessie Taylor off-campus accommodation and is already quite well populated by eateries. Currently, CD and other great goodies!! A NEW FISH and chip shop is to open up on there is an Indian, another fish and chip shop the Aldershot road, despite local resident’s along Southway and the Co-op store, as well claims tha the shop could bring noise and as a Threshers wine outlet. pollution to the area. The application for the shop at 109 Aldershot Road, the road that dissects In other food-related news, the Bars & Not to be missed!! Northway and Southway, was opposed by catering manager of the Students’ Union, Mr residents but planners have disagreed with Ian Gribben, has left to take up employment them and, on an officers recommendation, at Legoland in Windsor. A feature on Mr the application is now being processed. Gribben will appear in barefacts in due time, The area of Guildford in which this new but for the moment, we would like to wish fish and chip shop will operate is relatively him all the best and congratulate him and his popular amongst students when choosing team on the turnaround in Union eateries. 4 COMMENT 24 October 2002

THE UNIVERSITY OF SURREY STUDENTS’ UNION WWW.USSU.CO.UK Here we go again with the whole tuition fees debacle

Once again tuition fees have come to the It is a question that is so often over-looked fore (if ever they had disappeared) on the whilst people debate whether fees are right student campaigning agenda. Imperial’s or wrong and thus means that people are not suggestion that top-up fees for the better necessarily arguing for the right reasons. If courses, taking possible course fees to you are arguing against fees because you £15,000, has obviously gone down like a simply do not want to pay them and it will lead balloon and literally within minutes the put you out of pocket, then it is right that the NUS, in the figure of its president Mandy government should have no time for you. Telford, was off on its “this contradicts all If, however, you are arguing against fees Widening Participation goals” and “students because you believe in the principles of shouldn’t have to pay for their education” education and learning, then you at least spiels. have a reason to stand at the annual march There is one question that barefacts would with your placard and believe in every word like its readers to ask itself: forgetting the you say. top-up fees thing, why should students It is no surprise that we get virtually receive a free education at university? What nowhere with campaigns and an annual is so fundamentally wrong about students, march because the argument is exhausted who have chosen to continue their education and now simply a rhetoric. Everyone needs when they could go into the world of work to reassess what they truly believe about or any other vocation, having to contribute paying for education and maybe then we can to the costs of their education? regroup and actually achieve something. Why should people care about news when “Man’s divine right” is not “unreality” tv is so much more exciting? an invitation for goosing It was one of those popular news items les and everyone wants to know how many where those that read and watch the news bedrooms it has and whether he will convert HAS ANYBODY ELSE divine right is met with anger. ARISSA EVE have a good sniff at those that don’t. What his bar or not. The latter is simply more ex- noticed how most bar and L N Indeed, just last week my new is more, they get to do it without the latter citing than the former. pub dwelling men seem to be uni buddies and I went for a group even realising they are the subject of On another level, how excited and informed under the absurd impression I blame the feminist drink and a dance in a local someone else’s joke. can the public be if they have no real idea of that it is their hands divine movement for this: bar. As a friend and I passed Just in case you missed the news (and are what is going on? Take Europe, for exam- right to come in to prolonged men have become a couple of men on the stairs, thus in a seeming majority) then it was ple: in another survey, Britons, aside from contact with any passing impolite one of them decided to carry reported at the beginning of this week that expressing a basic distance from the EU, female Glutinous maximus? I out his divine right on my more people can name five characters in generaly speaking had no idea whether it find this appallingly ill-mannered behaviour friend and accordingly pinch her bottom. He Eastenders than they can in the current gov- is a good idea or not to be a part of Europe extremely perplexing and moreover then turned to do the same to me, but I was ernment cabinet and that one in five Britons and what exactly all of this single currency degrading. quick enough to swivel around and tell him cannot name a world leader. is about. The reason for this is a constant Women who have fallen victim to this form to get lost. At this point he flipped, shouting The folks who compiled the survey were spiral of mis-information and a seeming of sexual harassment in the workplace can obscenities and aggressively advancing on aghast at the level of ignorance apparently covert approach from the government. You receive substantive compensation and have me to the point where his friend had to hold prevalent in Britain and expressed the now can’t talk about something you don’t know the satisfaction of seeing their attackers him back from hitting me. This left me very obligatory concern that the nation is “dumb- anything about, which is why people can appropriately punished. However, it is not shaken and unable to enjoy the rest of my ing-down.” talk at great length about Big Brother and just the opposite sex who fall victim to evening. It was as if I was insulting and The truth is that these supposed reality the formation of the England football team. man’s divine right. Last year at my sixth degrading him by defending myself. television shows, which, incidentally, are The current situation in America with the se- form, a boy was severely punished for I blame the feminist movement. For some the least realistic scenarios barefacts could rial sniper is a good example of what people goosing a member of the same sex. reason in the 1960s and seventies, equality possibly think of (ten people in a house with really care about: American’s are lapping The fact that the goosed male was indeed began to mean a loss of respect for women. a dividing wall, celebrities bumming it on a up all the news coverage they can get their His Royal Highness, Prince Edward and Men no longer had to open doors and pull tropical island, people singing really badly hands on, because, aside from the tragedies, the incident happened right in front of an out chairs for women because bra-burning in order to get their face in the paper etc.) are it is all quite exciting to have a marksman ITN news crew might have had more effect feminists found it insulting. With the need just much more exciting than any news item on the loose. It might seem morbid to say on the severity of his punishment than the for polite behaviour gone, many men have could ever be or any politician could make a it, but it is true: with full respect to the situ- actual act itself. become more and more impolite towards manifesto point. ation, it is a bit like “You’ve Been Framed”, Nevertheless, it does go to show that this women, to the point where groping a “We pledge to stand by Section 28” bel- but a little more extreme, and that appeals sort of behaviour is unacceptable in society woman in public has become commonplace lows Iain what’s ‘is name at the Tory Party to people. and is punished accordingly. So why not in behaviour. conference and everyone replies “who cares Some bloke bashing on about policy this, pubs, clubs and bars? Doesn’t the mentality of the common man - we moved on from that a long time ago.” percentage points that and GDP deficits, Many argue that there are a large number have parallels with that of a rapist? Do most Robbie Williams buys a house in Los Ange- we’re afraid, does not appeal. of girls who actively go out to pubs and bars men see women as objects for their own seeking male attention and recognition. They sexual gratification? If so, it is obvious that search for male flattery in any way shape or women have not done enough to curb these form, namely, the bottom-pinching mode of views. There is a need for all women to take THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK adulation. It is these girls who have given action against the male divine right and men the idea that girls posteriors are there challenge this degrading, cowardly way of “If ignorance is bliss, then how come more people aren’t happy?” solely for all their fondling and groping articulating admiration. Whatever happened LEONARD ROSSITER (1926 - 1984), BRITISH ACTOR requirements. Any contradiction to this to just talking to a girl, guys? 24 October 2002 COMMENT 5 Choose your victor: a response to the ‘last-duel’ scenario

“Slow motion, strobe, they turn, the shots to read. “World, you are operation surfaces. It has training and military operation control sound as one, and in perfect unison both on the brink of recovery been planned for months. to become UK citizens, and a new fall to the ground, dead. from a most horrendous In the following days, agreement is reached between the two Silence.” conflict. Our remaining there is little to do but wait countries. Many families whose towns So ran Roland’s article last week. He military satellites are aimed as country after country were ripped apart in the attacks on the went on to suggest jubilation at the result. at the last strongholds of folds to the unquestionable UK relocate to the US in a mass exodus, I have a slightly different view if things our enemies’ leaders.” As ‘victory’ of the coalition. as the two countries rebuild communities ever got to this. he speaks pictures across The arrest of the real hundreds of miles from their origin. And In the seconds following the hits, as the world jar and roll Saddam Hussein takes when the time comes that the military PHILIP HOWARD the jubilations begins across the world, momentarily before a new place as his country finally regimes in other parts of the world have a lone TV cameraman dares to shift his picture stabilises on the manages its revolt, and it is been pressured into democracy by the focus from the dead statesman, and pans screens. It is a black and I have a slightly simultaneously uncovered US/UK and the oil once again flows, few across the Iraqi end of the scene. Not white image of a bunker, different view of things that the American President are surprised when an unusual statement only has Saddam Hussein fallen it seems, one seen many times before, if Mr Heap’s suggestion did not take his place in of intent to integrate is made by the so have his men. Silence crushes the and the realisation soon sets were ever to come true the duel either. It had all US and UK governments. The United cheers. As the sight goes live on channel in that it is that of Iraq’s been an excuse to pause Federation is born, and many can see after channel, one camera picks out the remaining leaders. Only this image is everything before the End. And as that the links with the European Union, deformed and bleeding bodies that scatter different, from the wrong angle – from the nuclear ash settles over India and who took a back seat in the conflict, will the floor, pro-Saddam banners growing way above it. The image changes. This Pakistan, new conundrums present take much time to rebuild. For once the increasingly red. Slowly a member of time, an image of the partly damaged themselves. The future of the mess that apathy of old is turned to searing support the American contingent steps forward HQ of Pakistan’s General is there for once was the foundations of the Dome and determination. And once again the in the now silent world. He picks up a the world to see. As image after image of the Rock, and before that the Temple victors write the history books, and the microphone from a CNN reporter and of each nation that has opposed the US- of the Jews is again an issue. The right world sees how the treachery of Iraq’s raises it to his lips. Taking a small sheet UK-Russia coalition rolls past, the sheer is granted for US troops who took up leader was repaid. of paper from his top pocket he begins level of planning needed to manage this temporary residence in the UK during We have a new flag now.

Super UniS: big but not clever in And so it begins. The merging No more subsidised accommodation, of UCL and Imperial College JOHN SLATER no subsidised union – well let’s face your chance to win a motorola t191 handset looks certain, a creation of a huge it, where’s the profit? No cheap university with a research budget If the government decides restaurants, and forget multiple greater than Harvard’s, and greater to put the boot in then we disciplines. Universities are built even than those of Oxford and can be sure of only one on research and student need at the Cambridge combined, according thing: change. moment. Once everything is profit to Monday’s Guardian. Leaving driven, and top-up fees are the norm, jokes of an Imperial takeover, or of the price of a degree will have risen: It all adds up to a rather scary Empire College London, we have My quick Excel guesstimate puts outlook. Our own federal University the beginnings of a sinister academic current total cost of university at of Surrey and University of Surrey future. This is not a one-off. around £18,000 and future total Roehampton pairing stands us in UMIST and Manchester University cost at £60,000. At the end of my some stead for the future, but if are also looking to merge, and at degree my parents will have spent the government decides to boot www.newuniversity.co.uk we find around £9,000 on me (a squeeze for the UK’s academia into the free the base of London Metropolitan them at that) and I’ll have around market we can be sure of only University – formed on 1st August £9,000 debt. The future would have one thing. That everything will this year from the University of North me leaving university with the change. Currently most universities London and London Guildhall. ridiculous sum of £50,000 to repay. Do you want there to be somebody who reside on one campus, with The instant parallel to draw is to the Mortgage anyone? academic schools covering the will always listen? pharmaceuticals industry. Speaking Of course this is all very well whole range of disciplines and from my father’s perspective, we’ve and pricey, but what on earth is onsite accommodation and union. Do want to help others? seen Borroughs Wellcome (think the government playing at? In its you If mergers and free market forces Calpol) swallowed up to Glaxo to attempts to push more of the cost of come into play then we can forget product GlaxoWellcome, which education onto students it is merely Do you want to get accreditation for doing campaigning over 4% annual rent merged with SmithKline Beecham taxing parents who see fit to send rises, and begin to look at 10% rises. something worthwile through the DAVE to become the current megalith their children to university. Since project? GlaxoSmithKline, or ‘gsk’ as they parental influences are probably the have it now. Seeing how many largest factor in whether school- names get lost in the merging I can leavers decide to take a job or apply Could you give up a night every now and only guess at how many companies for university, this is possibly the one then? make up gsk. The reason that all most stupid thing the government these mergers have taken place (a can do. The days of picking up a Nightline offers information and a similar story for its smaller rivals, government grant, picking a course listening service as well as a drop in AstraZeneca and Pfizer) is a free and getting a degree with little debt market and an economical squeeze. and no need for a part time job are center to this uni during the times where To cut overheads companies merge gone. We are moving towards a everything else is closed. BUT we can only and so reduce both competition level where students work all the function with enough volunteers. and staff expenditure. And the time they’re not studying, where government seems to want a free commercial loans mean that debt market for UK universities. Of rises to mind blowing levels and If you are interested in becoming course the parallels run even closer where universities compete with a “Nightliner” please e-mail us at when you know that the CEO of each other from their mega-merged Imperial is Sir Richard Sykes, of multiple campuses. So it begins, but [email protected] GlaxoSmithKline fame. where will it end? 6 COMMENT 24 October 2002 Car-parking on campus: the University speaks AN AMERICAN PROFESSOR once related subjects, plus staff. easier for a university in an improvements over the years, costs a lot described the typical university as a The upshot was permission BRIAN BARNARD urban location with good of money and goes a long way to explain community of intelligent people in constant for only 20 extra parking public transport links than the level of parking charges. However, it is conflict with each other, “united only by spaces and a requirement UNIS DIRECTOR OF it is for Surrey, set in the also true to say that permit fees have been a common grievance about car parking”. for the University to prepare BUSINESS SERVICES middle of the region with deliberately hiked over the last four years in The grievance at Surrey has been more a “green transport plan” the heaviest car-usage in an attempt to persuade more people out of widespread and vocal this year. Car parks by 1999 for approval by the country. We could easily their cars and into public transport, walking that do not usually get full until 1100 to 1130 the County and Borough The grievance at Surrey have three members of staff or car-sharing. have been turning away cars at 1000 and for Councils, with legally has been more or students for each one of Unfortunately, trying to forecast demand the first time in years the overflow had to be binding covenants as to what widespread and vocal this our parking spaces every for the car parks has proved to be difficult, put on to the playing field. Students (and it should cover, including year. For the first time in day, each convinced they especially this year. This is partly because lecturers) have been late for classes while the following: (a) all nurse years, the overflow on the “need” to come by car. From the University was successful in getting they hunt for a space and many have asked education students attending field has had to be used. an early stage it was obvious some exceptions to the blanket bans wanted two simple questions: the EIHMS building to be to the University that if some by the local authorities. For instance, the • Why doesn’t the University build more prohibited from bringing a car categories of staff or students only nursing students who are automatically car parks or build a multi-storey car into campus; (b) a ban on all were to be ineligible for not eligible for parking permits are those park over the existing ones? staff living in the GU1 and GU2 postcodes parking permits they would genuinely find provided with a University coach each day. • Why does the University charge so from bringing a car on to campus; (c) the it difficult to get to the University unless Despite the GU1/GU2 ban, students and much for parking permits and sell more University to consider providing subsidised alternative modes of transport were made staff can appeal for a permit if their personal than it has spaces? season tickets for buses; (d) provision of more convenient. With that in mind, since circumstances make a car necessary. As a The reason the University has not increased secure covered cycle parking facilities close 1999 the University has been using the general rule the University aims to sell no the number of parking spaces on campus for to the EIHMS building; (e) consideration of income from parking permits sales towards more than four annual permits to every three some years is because it is not permitted increasing the frequency of the Link buses subsidising Arriva to run extra public spaces, but as student numbers increase to, not because it doesn’t think it needs to. in the evening. services in the morning and early evening more members of the University will travel This goes back to the latter days of the last Whatever one’s view of the Government’s peak periods, and to run evening services in from outside the GU1/GU2 exclusion Conservative government when it suddenly “green” image at national level, there is no (previously non-existent) serving the zone. Couple that with an unpredictable changed its stance towards the motor car and doubt that the objective of reducing car usage campus. A modest subsidy also goes towards number of staff and students satisfying roads and adopted a “green” approach. Local is still being pursued relentlessly, using local the evening Link services. In addition, the appeals committees and it is inevitable authorities were given strict guidance about authorities and the planning mechanism to parking income goes towards a significant that from time to time more permits will be reducing the number of parking spaces to put pressure on large employers to carry out subsidy for the Arriva Travelcards which issued than the 4:3 model allows for. be allowed for new building developments. measures which are often unpopular. the University sells to students for £100. The only way of dealing with that in the short term is to persuade holders of annual permits who do not actually need the 365- day permit to hand it in for something more “THE REASON THE UNIVERSITY HAS appropriate, like a car-share or occasional permit. Hence the current offer (see last week’s “Bare Facts”) to refund £159 for NOT INCREASED THE NUMBER OF every student annual permit surrendered up to 1 November. In the longer-term the University will have to put a further squeeze PARKING SPACES ON CAMPUS FOR on permit eligibility. One way is to see whether there are areas outside Guildford with relatively high concentrations of SOME YEARS IS BECAUSE IT IS NOT student and staff addresses where it would be economic to enter into agreements with the local bus operators similar to the one the PERMITTED TO AND NOT BECAUSE IT University has with Arriva in Guildford. The research into this is about to begin. And finally, why the 4:3 ratio in the first DOES NOT THINK IT NEEDS TO.” place? Why not 1:1 so that the £127 paid by a student (or £225 paid by a member They were also encouraged to use their Not only do the planning conditions put on The equivalent for a member of the public of staff) for an annual permit guarantees powers to demand binding agreements from the University prevent any more purpose- would cost well over £400. In recent years a space? That is a beguiling concept but organisations to reduce traffic in return for built car parks, they also stop the University there have been a number of additions totally unrealistic. It does not take account granting planning permission. This policy putting down temporary car parks. We and upgrades to the facilities for bicycles, of the constantly changing nature of the was continued with enthusiasm by the were able to use the playing field a couple with more cycle parking currently under University’s population during the year. incoming Labour government, which made of weeks ago because conditions were dry consideration, all paid out of parking fee Even if a straightforward way can be found clear that one of its aims was encouraging and cars could be parked on the grass. But income. of identifying the 1700 people to get 1700 people to use other forms of transport than if we had put down a temporary surface Specialist software to run a car-sharing permits, they would not all want to use the the car. of any kind the playing field would have database was bought in 1999 and a new car parks every day. Some students start in The University first felt the effect of the become a “car park” and would have needed publicity campaign about this is being September and go on placement or field change in Government policy in 1995 planning permission (which would have organised. The rules on the buying car- trips during the year, some start at other when the County Council made clear that been refused). Now the weather has turned sharing permits were relaxed this year, so times than September. Staff join and resign it regarded the University as a major factor wet we cannot risk the damage to the field or that an official car-sharing group needs at any time during the year. Some staff and in generating traffic into Guildford. In short, the danger of cars getting bogged down. only a minimum of two car-owning students, of course, are part-time or start or the University would not be permitted to As for the questions about parking permits members (students or staff) living outside finish at unusual times during the day. In build any more general car parks and the and charges, the answers lie largely in the the exclusion zone. The car-sharing permit short, if we sold at 1:1 we would be likely only additional parking spaces would be measures which the University has been is excellent value at £75.60 a year and to have numerous spaces empty at any one those which would be approved in relation obliged to include in its Transport Plan. guarantees a parking space up to 1300 each time and a lot of cross people who had been to each new building. Then discussions If Government’s “widening participation” day. A new feature this year is the guarantee denied a permit would be looking at them began with the local authorities over policy requires the University to expand of reimbursement of a taxi fare home for any enviously. The one sure way of guaranteeing planning permission for the Duke of Kent while its number of parking spaces remains member of a group on up to six occasions that every space is used but no-one pays for Building, the largest building to be built on virtually constant, the only practical a year. (Full details of the scheme from a space they can’t occupy is to turn the car Stag Hill in 30 years and designed to serve approach is to restrict the number of people Security). parks over to first-come-first-served pay and more than 1000 students in nursing and eligible to park on site. That is somewhat All this, and various road and pedestrian display. A dream, perhaps, but a nightmare for members of the University! 24 October 2002 COMMENT 7

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Letters must be received by 5pm on the Friday before publication to guarantee their presence in the next newspaper. Letters may be edited for length or clarity | E-mail: [email protected] Trying to get home without going “alone” “The Surrey Scoop” considered ‘offensive’ is not that easy Does barefacts really want to be an organ for the perpetuation and More responses to Toni Borneo’s safety article of two weeks ago dissemination of such sexist and damaging discourses?

Dear barefacts, associated dangers by asserting that “no- Dear Editor, one gets attacked in the main streets” (not In response to your comment in barefacts true) or even with comments such as “I I was shocked and saddened (it’s a cliche I know) by the contents of the Gossip column that you are “always a little confused by wouldn’t worry – who would attack you?” in the 17th October edition of Barefacts. Specifically I am referring to the “WARNING” people who say they had no-one to walk I can’t blame them: single, fearful women regarding the “serial flirt on the loose”. The entire tone of this section of the gossip column home with after a night out”, I thought I must seem like a millstone if you do not can only be described as sexist and offensive. would provide a little clarification. believe that the threat is a real one. The representation of a woman as a “serial flirt” and as a “prick tease” (somebody remind Not everyone living in private Everyone goes through a period in their me what century this is) sounds very much like the voice of disappointed and disgruntled accommodation is fortunate enough to be lives when their friends fail them, or even masculinity. Indeed, it seems that the main concern of the “WARNING” is to protect fragile sharing a house with their mates. When when circumstances just keep them apart. male egos. From what? From the realization that not every woman with whom they share a your friends live near university and you The break-up of long relationships often friendly or even flirtatious word actually wants to have sex with them. Certainly, from the live in Bellfields, for example, it is not leaves a woman without a partner or close tone of the piece, it seems that her behaviour would not have warranted the publication of easy to persuade them to trek all the way friends to hang around with. But what can a “WARNING” if she had done the presumably ‘decent’ thing and followed through and across Guildford at 2am just to walk you you do? Hide in the house every night actually slept with these idiots. home. Scrounging for an escort every because you are afraid to walk the streets Some ‘final thoughts’ for you: In this world of date/acquaintance rape how great is the time you go out can quickly make you alone? Been there and done that. You have distance between calling someone a “prick tease” and claiming that “she was asking for feel like a burden to your friends. Those to get on with life; alone if necessary. it”? Does barefacts really want to be an organ for the perpetuation and dissemination people who are shy can be disinclined to The fact is that there are a lot of people of such sexist and damaging discourses? Is barefacts really in the business of damaging ask twice, or worse, they may not have who have to run this gauntlet, not out of peoples lives through the application of offensive names and labels? And was no thought anyone to ask. For example, being a shy choice, or a lack of planning, but because given to the effect that this might have on an individual in the first few weeks of the first girl myself, I was invited out clubbing by they cannot do much else about it. term of their University life? my more social housemates. At about one Incidentally, this is also about men: how I for one think barefacts owes this woman a full and sincere apology. am, they exchanged glances and informed hard is it to ask another man to walk you me gently that they were “off to find some home? Single men are just as likely to be Yours in all earnestness, blokes now”. Luckily I spotted a girl from mugged – it has happened to friends of CHRISTOPHER WALTON my course, or I would have been left alone mine. from that point onwards. It is scary and it is real, and for some Dear barefacts, I feel it is important that you realise that people it is an everyday occurrence. I hope due to poor planning and an aversion the situation of walking home alone in the this letter has opened your eyes a little. It is with interest that I read the request to learning from past mistakes? Please dark is not an “ordeal” to many – it is a fact from Mr Barnard in last weeks edition, can someone- be it the University or the of life. Many people, who do not want to Yours sincerely, regarding parking inconsiderately in Borough Council- please wake up to the walk home with you, even play down the JESS RIDOUT Onslow village. Only last week, I (along reality that people will continue to use with many other BF readers) attended a their cars. There is no alternative, and the presentation by the University outlining costs involved in putting on reliable public Dear Ms Borneo, their plans for Campus 2 on Manor Park. transport-one that picks up and drops off The University plans to build a campus everyone where and when they want- are I’ve just read your response to a letter in this weeks Barefacts (17/10). How come you much larger than the existing one, but with just too much for any organisation to bear. instantly assume that all people who need to walk through the subway after dark are a fraction of the parking spaces (They To sum it up- someone needs to build coming from a night out? As a postgrad I now have friends who do experiments that mean blame this on regulations imposed by more car parks, not buy permits back, or they are required to stay to past 7pm, meaning that they will have to walk through the the borough council). Surely if we have widen exclusion zones. They don’t have Southway subway alone. It is therefore quite inadequate to say that you should plan to walk problems with students, staff and visitors to be eyesores, a nice underground multi back with friends afterwards. driving to the current small campus (which storey or two would look lovely. Maybe Also if you’ve been to a friday night out at the union it is probably one of the safer times is comparatively well provisioned in terms our resident architect of strange shaped to walk that way, as there will be a fair legion of students also heading that way making an of parking) then knocking up a bigger site buildings could knock one up? attack far less likely. with nonexistent on-site parking is going to make matters worse. Regards, Yours sincerely, Are the roads in Park Barn going to be CONCERNED IAN PURVEY similarly infested with vehicles simply NAME AND ADDRESS SUPPLIED

barefacts is an editorially independent newspaper and is Do you have a complaint against published by the University of Surrey Students’ Union Communications Office. this newspaper? If you have a complaint about any item in this The views expressed within the paper are those of individual newspaper which contains inaccuracy, harassment, 2002 - 2003 authors and do not necessarily represent the views of the intrusion or discrimination write to our editor about Editor, the University of Surrey Students’ Union or the it. University of Surrey. If you remain dissatisfied please contact the editor in chief | richard watts This publication may not be reproduced in whole or in part, Press Complaints Commission - an independant stored in any form, copied or distributed, without the express organisation established to uphold an editorial Code permission of the publisher beforehand. of Practice for the Press. This newspaper will abide All submissions must include the author’s name and Union editor | position vacant position vacant | art editor by their decision. deputy editor | position vacant position vacant | sports editor or Staff Number. Submission is no guarantee of publication. news editor | position vacant position vacant | lifestyle editor Anonymous and Pseudonymous articles will not be published. Press Complaints Commission music editor | alex read + simon robinson position vacant | features editor 1 Salisbury Square barefacts reserves the right to edit submissions. London EC4Y 8JB film editor | stewart fudge + jolyon hunter chris hunter + mike chang | photography Telephone: 020 7353 1248 theatre editor | sara li + rachael bemrose chris ward | literature editor [email protected] Facsimile: 020 7353 8351

WWW.USSU.CO.UK If you are interested in a position on the editorial team or writing for barefacts, please come along to the Printed by South West Wales Publications Adelaide Street, Swansea editorial meeting | thursday | 5pm | in the media centre | e-mail [email protected] © USSU COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE 2002 Tel: 01792 510000 8 UNION 24 October 2002 So: what exactly is the Union? oney

For most students starting sports clubs, societies, atters university for the first time student media, welfare the student’s union is possibly support, representation to the LastM week’s article highlighted the possibility of part- perceived as a night time university and other bodies, a time employment to supplement your income whilst venue however hopefully safe social environment and at university. If you are planning to get a job, or do so with activities like Freshers the opportunity for students already, then it might be helpful to know a little about Fayre and the Sports Fayre to have a real say in their your work rights: you have seen the other side university environment. The minimum wage must be paid to anyone who is 18 or over: it is currently £3.70 if you of the Union in it’s student It’s not difficult at all to scoff PAUL WRIGHT are 22 or older or £3.20 for those between 18 and 22. services role. You may well at all the above and think that From the 1st October 2002, this will rise to £3.60 if you are in the lower age-range and have read that students’ it’s something that only ‘other £4.20 for those who are older. unions are “run by students, It is always easy to think people’ get involved with; It is your legal right to be paid the minimum wage and you cannot be sacked or victimised for students” but many are that the Union is is some- after all, with coursework if you complain. unaware how this works. thing that only ‘other and a possible part time job Contact the national minimum-wage hotline on 0845 6000678 if you are having any Each year the Union runs a people’ are involved with there’s just no time left for problems. cross campus ballot to elect some silly student union. The You should note that part-time workers have the same rights as full-time workers, as well, sabbatical officers. These officers are the problem with this attitude is that if you do including holidays and sick pay – the Department of Trade and Industry and the TUC have trustees of the Union and they each have go through your academic career with just further details on their websites: a specific area of responsibility - Sports, your coursework and the occasional night Societies + Culture, Education + Welfare, out then you really are missing out on www.dti.gov.uk www.tuc.org.uk Communications and Marketing. Finally opportunities, opportunities that may never we have the President, that is a bit of a catch be within your grasp again. Don’t forget that if you are very hard up and in your final year or have nay special needs all post whilst liasing with the university, Simple things like taking advantage of or problems then you are a priority for help from the university hardship funds – for more representing student viewpoints on the top the facilities that the Union has to offer or details, come and see us at SAIS. level university committees. becoming experienced in how to participate Any student (considered a full member in meetings ranging in size from a handful Student Advice& Information Service (SAIS): Wey Flat 2 | Surrey Court in the eyes of the Union) can stand in the to a hundred people or even learning how t: [68]9261 | e: [email protected] election and all students vote for their to fly a glider. If you are willing toput chosen set of officers for the next year. more into the Union then you can only gain Once in post the new sabbatical team goes from it. Involvement in societies and sports through a handover period with the current clubs can give you a real sense of belonging sabbatical team. They also receive training, and making achievements. For students enabling them to be effective in their interested in bringing about positive change A guide to Student Council respective new roles. there are a number of different Union roles How the governing body of the Union works Although the sabbatical officers are a team that can be comfortably balanced with and considered the trustees they run the study. Union on a day-to-day basis to ensure that it These are all things that employers like fulfils the mission statement: to see on CVs, the fact that you have done more with your time at university than just studied, that you have developed as a “TO UNIFY, individual as well as just a student of your chosen discipline. With the government REPRESENT, aiming for 50% of young people to have experienced higher education in future it will take more than just a degree to stand out DEVELOP AND from your peers - extra-curricular activities and experiences will be key. SUPPORT THE From my personal experience I would say the Union more than anything else has changed me into the person today, back in STUDENTS the first year there would have been no way I would have contemplated running for Union OF THE Chairperson, let alone President. Through In terms of control of the Union that power motion are noted. “This Union Believes” getting experience in running a society and lies with the student council - the sovereign is the section in which the opinion of the being a student representative I gained the body of the Union that votes on policy to motion is stated. “This Union Resolves” is UNIVERSITY confidence to not only run for election, but be adopted. How student council runs is the section where the actual action / policy is also believe that I could change things for laid down in the Constitution, the governing explained, it is this section that is acted upon OF SURREY.” the better and actually make a difference. document that explains how all aspects should the motion be passed by the voting These are not things that happened overnight Now that may sound a little grandiose of the Union should operate. Currently members of Council. but the time I put into Union activities has but it really is what the Union is about, student council is open to all members of The motion has a speech for and, if certainly been worthwhile. giving students opportunities they want: the Union though in past years it tends one is forthcoming, a speech against. It to be only attended by society and sport is then opened to the floor for questions club representatives in fear of having and comments, then finally a summing their budgets frozen. As such the council up speech is given by the proposer and NOTICES could not really be currently considered the motion is voted upon (for, against and representative, this is set to change with the abstentions). For more information and Physoc 24th October 1pm Jackson Room AC 5th Floor new constitution that will be shortly released / or advice on how motions and student Gamesoc AGM 24th October 7pm LT B for review. The new constitution will be council work don’t hesitate to email me, Cathsoc AGM 27th October 6pm Quiet Centre explained in next week’s barefacts whilst [email protected]. Stage Crew EGM 28th October 6pm HRB also published on www.ussu.co.uk One of the biggest tasks ahead in future EARS AGM 30th October 1pm 32AA21 For Council to adopt policy a motion needs Councils is voting through the new Ballroom Dancing AGM 7.45pm University Hall to be put before it, this takes a standard constitution, this will hopefully make the OFU AGM 31st October 6.30pm Media Centre format with three main headings: “This Union a more democratic and representative Singapore Society AGM 6th November 7.30pm LT F Union Notes” is the section in which actual, body for students here at Surrey. Womens rugby AGM tuesday 29th october 9pm varsity centre concrete facts about the subject of the 24 October 2002 PROFESSIONAL PAGE 9 The art of the covering letter This weeks careers & skills talks

I once interviewed someone The opening paragraph should PRACTICE APTITUDE TEST PROCTER & GAMBLE* who had made 350 applications introduce who you are and WEDNESDAY 30 OCTOBER | 2.15 pm | LT B MONDAY 28 OCTOBER | 6pm | OAK SUITE 1 & 2 to employers and had got why you’re writing to them. The tests we run are parallel to those that many Information for finalists and placement students in all employers use as part of the selection process. There science disciplines, particularly chemistry, material absolutely nowhere. It was You might consider including are three sections designed to test your logical science and biological science. The session will be almost as if she’d written “please something about how much thinking. followed by an aptitude test, you will need a calculator don’t employ me” across the you are attracted to the work and pencils. P & G recommend trying out their envelope. As it happened, the for which you are applying AMEC* aptitude test before attending this event. MONDAY 28 OCTOBER | 6.15pm | LT M only thing she’d done was fail to and also why you would like to Details of 70-100 opportunities in a range of business FIDELITY INVESTMENTS* include a letter with any of her work for them in particular. DR RUSS CLARK areas for civ and structural, building services, MONDAY 28 OCTOBER | 1pm | LT F applications. But it does prove The next paragraph is crucial. chem/process, mech and elec enginers, architecture, Information for finalists and placement students in all how important they are. You should highlight, possibly construction management, instrumentation and disciplines about opportunities in IT, Equity Research The word ‘covering’ is controls safety and commercial management/quantity and Marketing. Basically, employers are not using “bullet” points, what you surveying with this firm of consultants. mind-readers. You can’t assume a bit misleading - you have to offer. Even though *Please register with Careers by email [email protected], or in person. they automatically know why shouldn’t cover anything! this invariably repeats things Please keep an eye on your University email and www.surrey.ac.uk/careers for the most up to date information you have written to them. If you you’ve already covered in your are sending an application form, CV, it still draws their attention it’s more obvious what you are applying for to the specific relevant attributes which you LUCY ANDREWS than if it were a CV, but they still like to see are offering. The final paragraph is simply MUSIC | GRADUATED 2000 a covering letter almost as a mark of respect. a wrapping up affair to include how much The only time you are unlikely to need a letter you look forward to hearing from them and I studied Music at Surrey between 1997 is when you are applying to employers using summarising your availability for interview. and 2000. There was no placement year an on-line system. A letter accompanying an application form, involved with the degree course, so my first Actually, the word ‘covering’ is a bit on the other hand, need only be brief. State proper job really was my first proper job! misleading. The last thing you are trying to simply that you are enclosing your completed As is becoming more and more necessary do is cover up what is to follow in either your form, tell them when and where you saw these days, I held down part-time work application form or your CV. On the contrary, the job advertised and then thank them for whilst studying – oh, how I loved selling your letter should encourage the employer to considering your application. sandwiches, beers and gallons of petrol – but want to read more about you. If you’d like to see an example of a covering the time eventually came to head out into the If your application is speculative, in which letter why not drop in to the Careers Service real world. case the main thing you are trying to do is to and pick up a copy of the leaflet ‘Curriculum So, where did I get my first job?? The bring your CV to their attention, you can’t go Vitae’. A good letter can make the difference University of Surrey Students’ Union! far wrong in constructing your letter along the between outright rejection and an invitation to As Vice President Societies and Culture following lines. interview. computers to community venues throughout for 2000-2001, I looked after around sixty Surrey and teach the public how to use a Three months. What were you doing three student societies and ran events such as the wide range of computer programs and surf months ago? Possibly on holiday, maybe at Freshers’ Fayre and International Week. the internet. It’s a satisfying job, allowing home with your family, or you could have I was lucky enough to have been involved me to combine office work and being ‘out been doing as I was and making a move with the Union throughout my time at the on the road’, involving the management of even further away from your home and lacement University – something I’d recommend finance and staff, but also having personal friends than the move to Surrey was two to any Surrey student - through student contact at grass roots level through being years before. Having only been as far a field radio, the Arts & Entertainments committee one of the trainers myself. I’m much in the UK as Birmingham in the North and and the Union Executive, so it was a real happier working for an organisation who Bournemouth in the south moving to Bristol, challenge and an honour to have the running actively support communities and go out of as I had to do was for me almost like moving S EAK of the building entrusted to our team for the their way to work towards better county and to the other side of the planet! During the year. improved skills amongst its residents. exams at the end of last semester I eagerly But, all good things must come to an It’s quite a transition from having done a asked around to find out who else would be end, and as my term of office drew to a music degree – the wrong sort of keyboard close, off I trotted to a friendly recruitment joining me in this new adventure to find that By Adam Hatton for a start- but it seems that well-paid arts nobody else would. agency, which found me a job in conference jobs are few and far between, and there’s no co-ordination. Off to the private sector The initial days were very stressful, the tidy to the absolutely horrific and every harm in diversifying and learning a few new I headed, armed with high hopes for most awkward being finding way to get a stageP in between. At lunchtime we visited skills – I’m even heading back to University international travel opportunities and pay roof over my head in a place nearly four a house so nice inside and perfect to my (well, the Open one) to start a diploma in rises, only to realise that the conferences I hours drive from Kent. Feeling already I had requirements (bus route, cable, broadband Information Technology to help me along was co-ordinating were on topics I disagreed left things dreadfully late a fortnight before internet...) I was absolutely besotted. We my way in my new career! with and the private sector way of thinking the placement was due to begin I leapt into looked at one last house, but only because So, to sum up what I’ve learned from wasn’t entirely akin to my own ideology of a car with my parents and a bit of advice we had set up the meeting earlier, I had my my first two years out of university:- don’t how a business ought to work. from a relative and set out on the journey. heart set on this and was already making sacrifice your principles, but do think what Now, 18 months on from my graduation, Being very much spur of the moment people the mental plans. Having left the last house salary you’ll realistically need to live around I’ve moved into Information Technology many of the agencies we visited were very we trotted down to the letting agency and Guildford and don’t assume that the area in and Training and project manage a UK surprised at us turning up on their doorstep I signed on the dotted line and paid my which you did your degree is necessarily Online scheme called ‘Tech-IT-Up’. We take and expecting to be shown around as many deposit. All of this though was pending one your concrete career plan for life! houses as possible in just that day. I have very important issue: the agreement of those to thank them greatly for even allowing remaining in the house for another year In retrospect it was fair enough if the people promise. I called the landlady on the way up us to look as many places as we did with agreeing to me moving in. in the house wanted to move some of their and arranged for her to meet us at the house, such little notice. One thing I do have to This issue weighed over me and lead to a friends in, but if anyone is on the other side planning for the worst I had a suitcase with recommend though if you do head off on a week of continual calls to the agency to find of this situation in the future, please tell your a suit and the minimal clothing and gear I placement and know nothing about the area out if they had word yet. It was now the agency or landlord ASAP so you don’t leave needed to slum it in a B&B for a while. After it may be worth giving the local University’s Tuesday of the week before my placement people like me with nowhere to live at short a week and a bit of worry and stress I was Accommodation Office a call as they may was due to begin and we had heard nothing notice. willing to settle for almost anything at that be able to give you some advice, I have to from the agency or the residents of the So it was now an emergency situation by point and I accepted the offer from this lady thank the staff at the University of the West house themselves. Finally I got into contact this point it was Wednesday and I found and we marched off to sign everything. of England’s Accommodation Office for with the agency and discovered the current myself back in the car heading up to Three months, it really doesn’t seem giving me a map some information on the occupiers of the house had planned to move Bristol for the second time in just over a like I have been here in Bristol all that local area, where students live and where some of their friends in instead and had said week in desperation. I did have a plan in time (aside from a visit to Rockingham, they go to enjoy themselves! no! So with less than a week to go before my mind though, we had visited one house the Northamptonshire via London), my Using this map we navigated the streets of placement I was looking all set to be staying previous week that though being a bit tired placement, I’ll save the start of that story for Bristol exploring many houses from the in B&Bs or hotels in my first week at work. and in need of a lot of tidying had some another time. 10 SERIOUSLY SEXY WEEK 24 October 2002 Seriously sexy week special

Welcome to the Seriosul sexy Farnham Road Hospital, Raft week special in barefacts! Surrey (see article) and Sex This week I get to talk about Care in Guildford. We’ll also my favourite subject. Yep, have some fun stuff to pick up, you guessed it. Sex, sexuality. and you don’t have to talk to sexual practices, sexy toys… anyone if you don’t want to. ..and condoms. Friday night is the infamous This is the sexiest week of the TONI BORNEO Drag and Fetish Night. It’s year, and the idea is to promote VICE PRESIDENT EDUCATION always a great night anyway, st sex and sexuality as a really AND WELFARE but this time – 1 November positive part of life, and how – you can enter a Seriously to avoid the problems it can cause if treated Sexy raffle to win a variety of girls’ and irresponsibly. Whether you are holding out boys’ toys. You can’t have safer sex than for the right person, prefer going solo, want with a toy, can you? You can even pick them to get married first or are a gorgeous guru of up anonymously if you’re that embarrassed lovin’, there’s something for you all. It’s all (don’t be!). about seeing sex for what it is, a fantasmic Also check out a Sexy quiz round at “HOW WE MAKE experience in the context you feel is best for Chancellors Challenge, a competition in you. this week’s barefacts to win 20 flavoured We’ll have some helpful information on and coloured condoms (with BSI kitemark, UP OUR SENSE Thursday 31st October, at our info fair in of course), and our own Health Centre and the Students Union. We’ll have information Counselling Service have also contributed on everything from contraception choices, to this week’s Barefacts with their views on OF SEX IS to abortion support and services from students’ sexual issues. the British Pregnancy Advisory Service. Have a Seriously Sexy week – and use a We’ll also be visited by the GUM clinic at condom! WHAT IS IMPORTANT. Sex, counselling and George Bush FOR SOME IT An article by Les Mcminn - the head of the Counselling Service IS LOVE; FOR You might well ask what George Bush has to do with sex as devoid of emotion - its just something to get on with and and you even might be wondering what counselling has to do - after all everyone is at it somewhere on campus aren’t do with it as well. This might just be a smart arse counsellor they???? Perish the thought, but maybe even our parents are SOME IT IS trying to grab headlines (might be true……….??) or just at it somewhere…. trying to show off his literary skills by filling half a page For some it is about performance. For others it’s a with (unintentional of course) double entendres (if you don’t compulsive and destructive addiction. Last but not least for PERFORMANCE; know ask a friend). some couples it is an integral part of an intimate relationship Which kind of leads me to the point of this article - how which is a source of real pleasure. In other words, when many of us can talk openly about sex? What we think, what good, a sexual relationship can be an important feature of FOR SOME IT we like and don’t like, what worries us and what it makes sharing another person’s intimate world - when bad it can be us feel like? I’m not talking about the loud showing off hurtful, painful and destructive to our self and others. after several pints of lager or the ‘Ten Top Tips to Keep But you don’t have to be in a relationship to think about IS DEVOID OF your Lover Happy….’ kind of thing…..although some of sex. Most of us spend more time thinking/talking about it these are actually quite good. Type in sex and advice to the than actually doing it - when it comes down to it, thinking Google search engine and lo and behold over 1 million sites about what you do is an excellent form of contraception ..(on EMOTION.” are listed - enough probably to answer all your questions ( by that one do go and see the Health Centre Staff). the way typing in sex and advice and George Bush to search Getting used to being on your own is a factor in University gives some interesting results…..). life - for some students this sense of freedom is quite brilliant telling us. Counselling is about making sense of ourselves What is sure is that we are all hard-wired for sex - but for others being on your own is an all too familiar place. and the world we live in. Darwinists among you will know why. But whether we take It can mean isolation and loneliness and feeling excluded - as For lots of us, relationships….whether this is the lack a serious ethical and moral stance on sex or something based you peer out your windows you see every other student in a of, or too many of the wrong type…. and the sexual and on the pleasure principle we find it hard to escape from. relationship, fully satisfied with their sex lives. That fantasy emotional parts of them can benefit from being talked about. Even if we shut ourselves off from the world and never read - which it is - can lead to further withdrawal and isolation Yes I know ‘Just talk about it!’ has now become a cliché, but a magazine, watch a movie or evesdrop on a conversation and for some it can trigger off a cycle of despair. Enter the if you can get over that then maybe, just maybe, having a on the bus or on Guildford High Street (I cant be the only world of the internet with its promise of chat-rooms and chat with one of the counsellors might help a small problem one doing that…. eh????) you can be fairly sure that at some sexual imagery of every type imaginable. A whole new become a large one. Equally having a look at a large problem point in our splendid isolation we will be visited by thoughts world of internet relationships emerges with something to might begin to make it more manageable. and fantasies about sex. Most of the time this is normal - its suit every taste. Now I’ve forgotten why I mentioned George Bush, but you been said that men think about sex every three minutes and But I hear you ask what has this to do with counselling? must admit it did get you reading…… women less so. But just like sex, it isn’t the frequency that’s Well the Student Counselling Centre on campus offers a (The Student Counselling Centre can be contacted by phone important its what it means to us. free, confidential service to all students and whether its on 01483 689498 (internal 9498), by dropping in to fix How we make our own sense of sex (and our own about sex, or anything else for that matter, we would be an appointment (were between the Duke of Kent and the sexuality for that matter) is what is important. For some it is more than happy to talk with you. We wont preach at you. Student Health Centre) or by email at …..Alternatively if inextricably tied up with love - both loving an other person We don’t tell you what is right or wrong although we might you want to discuss a specific issue by email then contact me and hopefully being loved in return. Others experience sex well let you know what we think and feel about what you are directly on [email protected]). 24 October 2002 SERIOUSLY SEXY WEEK 11 So who exactly is chlamydia everyone talks about? An article by Jodi Saunders- senior nurse, UniS Health Centre

The STI’s big sitting in the waiting room of the local mean that you have got Chlamydia, but if you GUM (genito-urinary medicine) clinic are concerned then make an appointment at …isn’t it?….waiting for your number to the health centre or pop down to the GUM day out be called….praying no one will come in clinic- I promise that both these places will that recognises you….hoping they won’t be nice to you and don’t really ‘poke’ swabs Once upon a time, there was a group of have to ‘poke’ a swab too far!....and d) … up too far…honestly! We’re also happy to sexually transmitted infections, all of whom well this article does come from the health talk about any of the other STI’s (sexually had gathered at the annual convention Tall, blonde, beautiful eyes, great figure, centre and of course we’re always extolling transmitted infections) and would love to for the Result of a Lack of Appropriate fantastic sense of humour…..or dark, strong the virtues of safe sex and actually using discuss contraception with anyone! Precaution During Sexual Encounters. with rippling muscles, ‘let me spoil you’ contraception…! Left untreated Chlamydia can lead to: Present at the convention were Chlamydia, being his middle name. Let me see, you’re Now it’s time for the serious bit- Chlamydia • Ectopic pregnancy Thrush, Syphilis, Genital Herpes and thinking this’ll never happen to you? If you is a nasty infection, but the good news is it’s • Infertility in women Gonorrhea to name but a few and they were are you’re probably joining millions of other treatable, and as long as it’s not left too long • And sometimes infertility in men all really happy to be there discussing their people who think about Chlamydia the same shouldn’t have any long term side affects So you see it is worth taking this matter characteristics because their great foe, Evil way. (apart from on your pride perhaps if you seriously- How can you prevent/protect Dr Condom, had been rendered useless Ok…want to know a bit more? Read below didn’t bother to use condoms and had to yourself from catching it?....Use a condom. by worryingly casual attitudes towards to test you knowledge in the matter… go round sheepishly telling all the people How can you make sure you avoid the protected sex. Chlamydia is…. you’ve slept with that you were infected!) embarrassment of telling a partner you’ve Chlamydia, who could normally be The problem is that often there are no had it?....Use a condom. How can you found in the watery locations of semen a) a variety of avocado b) an infection of symptoms of the infection being present in protect yourself against other STI’s….Use and vaginal fluids, was, as ever, boasting the bits c) the medical term for sweaty your body- but do seek help if any of the a condom. How can you help make sure that it was difficult to pick up whether or hands or d) a contraceptive cream following symptoms occur: you don’t get pregnant, or get someone not it had been contracted and that people In the female: pregnant…..Don’t have sex…..or failing didn’t seem to bother with the test to see if Baffled? The answer of course is b) a rather • Bleeding between menstrual that- you’ve got it…..use a condom! it was there or not, whilst Genital Herpes silent and potentially dangerous infection of periods or after intercourse How can you get hold of condoms?...... we moaned continuously that the itching and the bits…so why the other stupid answers? • Painful intercourse give them away free at the Health Centre appearance of a fluid filled blister around Perhaps because they can all be related • Abnormal vaginal discharge and GUM clinics and they’re also available the genetalia was a sure give away of its to the matter….I’ve heard that a rich diet • Painful and/or frequent urination at the Students’ Union……or you could presence. in avocados is helpful in preventing the • Low grade fever always go and spend some of your beer Thrush agreed that the itching sensation disease…or was it you needed to smother In the male: money on buying some of course! associated with it was a little annoying, yourself in avocado pulp…or maybe • Pus or watery or milky discharge (The Student Health Centre can be contacted but was quick to point out how happy it I’m mixing it up with cranberry juice from the penis by phone on 01483 689051 (internal 9051), was that it could be found in both men and cystitis….(please don’t take that last • Pain or burning feeling while or you can call in to make an appointment. and women and that people didn’t seem to answer seriously, I don’t want to lose my urinating Alternatively if you want to discuss a realize this fact whatsoever. Syphilis and job!) c) …the medical term for sweaty • Swollen or tender testicles specific issue by email then contact me Gonorrhea, however, simply sat quietly, hands- that is after all what you get when Don’t panic, these symptoms don’t always directly on [email protected]). glad that they have a period of time in which the infected person has no idea they are there at all – although Gonorrhea was a little worried that a burning sensation during urination might alert men and women alike to its presence. They ended their convention with the usual prayer against the place where people can get information about sexually sex cells transmitted infections, known commonly as the welfare section of www.ussu.co.uk/yourunion and wished each other the best with their efforts during the term-time activities of students everywhere.

What is your definition? sex (sks) n. 1. a fantastic way to pass the time if you can’t get to sleep and you happen to have a member of your chosengender in your bed at the time. 2. an ideal word to include on a poster if you are trying to get people’s attention. Seriously Sexy Week 3. the perfect way to contract yourself a sexually transmitted infection if not week eight | 28.10 - 01.11 considered in a proper and reasonable for more info e-mail [email protected] fashion. 4. damn good fun and generally enjoyable. 24 October 2002 SERIOUSLY SEXY WEEK 13

Abortion: what do you think? An article by Toni Borneo: VP Education & Welfare

What do you think of when you hear the word ‘abortion’? of unplanned pregnancy despite using some form of operations and greater risk, and more women traveling You might think it’s a tragedy, or a means to an end, or a contraception. Scary. to obtain it. There would also be tens of thousands of turning point for women’s right to choice, or you might In Britain, we are lucky. Women can request a unplanned, unwanted babies born each year. This would think it will never touch your life. The Surrey area has the termination, and two doctors must confirm her conditions. have serious consequences for each of those women, for highest rate of terminations in the country, according to the It’s not a case of granting it just because she wants it. But public health and society as a whole. Health Promotion Service, and that’s because it’s such an those conditions are realistic and we have considerably I would hope that our student population is, on the whole, affluent area. The theory is that, in this area, people have greater choice than in some other countries. That means we pro-choice. And certainly in favour of supporting women more at stake and are less willing to sacrifice that for an are protected too. Because abortion is legal (Abortion Act (and their reproductive partners) in making that choice. unplanned pregnancy. 1967), it can be regulated and is relatively safe. In countries Certainly, polls in Britain show that most people support a But regardless of where you are in the country, abortion where it is illegal, it still happens, but in sometimes quite liberal law, with only a small minority opposed to abortion is bound to be a student issue. The age, lack of security, shocking, dangerous conditions. Or women simply travel in all circumstances. need for qualifications, pressure to succeed academically to countries where it is legal (especially Britain) which is But, it’s not the ideal preventative method, and it’s not to and many other factors will mean that some students have possibly even more of an ordeal. be relied on instead of using contraception. So, the Health to make that choice. The age group to call upon this service There are so many issues surrounding abortion. At what Centre (and I) would implore everyone to be as careful as most frequently is 20-24 years. The important thing is that stage of pregnancy can it be carried out (up to 24 weeks)? possible in the first instance (free condoms in both places!). their choice is properly discussed with health professionals What do people think? How does religion fit into it? Is it a And in case of accidents and unplanned pregnancy, and that that person is supported entirely. health risk? Etc…I think the simplest idea is to give you the please know that the University and the Union are totally The British Pregnancy Advisory Service have provided reasons for and against having an abortion, as outlined by sympathetic and supportive. So don’t think you have to the Union with information and literature should any of you BPAS (see charts). struggle through alone. be interested in understanding the process a little better. I So, is there an alternative? In a word, no. If abortion were will outline the main points here. still illegal, there would simply be more ‘back street’ Arguments for legal abortion Contraception and abortion are both ways of avoiding The embryo or fetus should be respected, as potential unplanned pregnancy, but contraception is considerably Arguments against legal abortion human life but does not have the same value as a born less traumatic to deal with. Opting for a Pill, condom, IUD, Human life begins at conception and abortion destroys person. progesterone injection or whatever (the list goes on) can respect for human life Women are capable of making the right moral choices and prevent such a choice ever having to be made. But it has to Abortion is a violent act that damages a mother and her can follow their own consciences. be right for you. The Health Centre on campus or Family baby. It is uncivilized and unjust. A pregnant woman understands her own personal Planning Clinic can talk through contraception choices with There are alternatives to abortion, such as adoption. circumstances better than anyone else and so is in the best you. Abortion damages women because they suffer post position to know whether she should or should not have But even if you are careful in the first place, no abortion guilt and trauma. the child. contraception can guarantee 100% to prevent pregnancy. Abortion is rarely necessary to save the life of the woman. Legal abortion is relatively safe and is likely to cause In fact 60% of abortions handled by the BPAS are a result Abortion encourages brutality towards children and child a woman far less harm than forcing her to continue her abuse. pregnancy and have an unwanted child. Abortion on grounds of fetal abnormality encourages It is better for children to be born to parents who want and “EVEN IF YOU discrimination against disabled people. love them. ARE CARFUL, NO CONTRACEPTION Competition CAN 100% You see, even when we are helping you out and giving you the facts on things that are good for you, we’re still giving you things for free. As ever, all you need to do is answer a GUARANTEE simple question and some condoms will wing their way to you. For the grand prize of 20 flavoured non-spermicidal condoms (ok- normal ones if you PREGNANCY prefer) do you know which statement is false? (a) You can’t catch HIV or AIDS by kissing an infected person. PREVENTION. (b) The age limit for buying condoms is 12 years old. (c) Chlamydia is often symptomless in women. OVER 60% OF (d) Free condoms are available from USSU, the Health Centre and Nightline. It’s all quite simple really. Just think of all ABORTIONS the fun you could have with those! HANDLED BY THE BPAS ARE DUE TO UNPLANNED PREGANCIES. THAT IS A SCARY FIGURE.” PERSONALS COMPETITION

We know it’s not art, more free clothes! but a whole page of £100 worth of miss personals deserves a selfridge vouchers to mention somewhere! be won by [maybe] you - hurrah!

Now I don’t know about you guys, but this week my mind is all over the place. The coursework is piling up and the lectures are possession getting more and more complicated so at times like these I tend to kick back with movies that I don’t have to concentrate too hard. Possession, directed by Neil LaBute, is an Delving back into the depths of my childhood, I give you House adaptation of the booker prize winner by Party, featuring the rap duo Kid n’ Play, a brilliant film with so A.S. Byatt. Hoping to appeal to the ‘I liked many great lines. You will not be sorry if you ever manage to the book so I’ll like the movie’ audience the find this movie (I have had some problems getting hold of a copy director has unfortunately over looked the recently). Should you fail in that quest then grab a copy of Bad sheer dullness of the subject matter. Boys from the rental store. I could watch this movie over and over The story follows a pair of academics and I have done. The ideal movie to chill out to; a bit of action, a (Gwyneth Paltrow and Aaron Eckhart) who bit of comedy and again some great lines. To complete this week’s stumble across an ‘amazing’ discovery line-up I have to include Rush Hour. I believe the quote is: The about the amorous past of a previously th fastest hands in the east meet the fastest mouth in the west, which considered frigid 19 century poet Ash. pretty much sums it up. Chris Tucker provides all the wise cracks The film then oscillates between the present and Jackie Chan chips in with his usual dose of high kicks and and past - as Gwyn and Aaron fall (so impressive stunts. An enjoyable flick that is a must-see. Enjoy unsurprisingly) in love (with all the Oprah your week peeps and these movies style complications that follow suit) and the mystery of Ash’s life unfolds. Added to put on a decent English accent, but after screening Q&A with the director. He complications arise with introduction of it’s difficult to keep a straight face whilst was quick witted and engaging, something a bisexual element to poet’s mistress, but picturing Paltrow as a character called his film was not! in true keeping to Victorian society the Maude. lesbians merely live together and share the Ok, so it wasn’t all bad. Some of the odd cuddle (sorry boys!). period drama was very well shot, had a In true movie adaptation style, the good soundtrack and was enjoyable to hero has been changed from a repressed watch. But, the vast majority of the film Englishman to a dashing American hunk. set in the present reminded me of “Sliding Unfortunately the transition leaves the Doors” but not funny (Not that you character shallow. The biggest emotional could ever say “Sliding Doors” was side revelation Eckhart can muster is when he splitting). It’s probably more of a film your asks Paltrow, “Is there an Us in You and Mum would like, a bit of eye candy, not Me?”, we sat and cringed with the rest of much plot and Victorian drama. For us, the the audience. At least Gwyneth managed most enjoyable part of the evening was the Director’s cut Steven Soderbergh Atlanta, Georgia. 1963. Born the second During the 90s,: Soderbergh directed up by Brad Pitt, Matt Damon and Elliot of six children, the young Steven and the films such asKafka (1991), King of the Gould. The movie was slick, cool and rest of the Soderbergh family moved when Hill (1993), Gray’s Anatomy (1996) and entertaining – and it just came out on DVD he was still young, to live in Baton Rouge, Schizopolis (1997) - all of which were as well, so go check it out if you haven’t Louisiana. Steven’s father was a professor fairly unremarkable movies. However, already. and dean of the College of Education at 1998 turned out to be a good year with the Forthcoming movies include Full Frontal LSU, and while Steven was still in high release of Out of Sight starring (then) ultra- “THE MOVIE (Rom-Com starring David Duchovny, Julia school he enrolled in the University’s film hot properties George Clooney and Jennifer Roberts and Catherine Keener), Solaris animation class and began making films Lopez. The chemistry between the leads WAS SLICK, (Sci-Fi/Romance starring George Clooney with a second-hand 16mm camera. clicked, the screenplay and editing were and Natasha McElhone) and The Informant The start of what turned out to be a perfect and the film oozed with “cool” to (currently in pre-production). stellar career in Hollywood began after he become one of the sleeper hits of that year. COOL AND Soderbergh’s films usually have a graduated from high school – from there The following year saw Soderbergh’s gritty distinctive look, and he is known for he went straight to Tinseltown and began Terence Stamp vehicle The Limey (1999), ENTERTAINING being a modern-day master of his art. For work as a freelance editor. As it turned out, replete with a dodgy Cockney accent. example, check out the gun-metal blues of this stay in Hollywood was a short one and Soderbergh’s mainstream recognition Detroit in Out of Sight and compare them he returned home to Louisiana to continue came in 2000 with two remarkable films SO GO CHECK to the vibrant colours of the scenes set in writing scripts and making short films. released in that year. First was Erin Miami. The same goes for Traffic – the The big break came when rock group Brockovich starring Julia Roberts as the IT OUT.” grainy dust-coloured effects Soderbergh “Yes” gave him the task of shooting a tart with a heart… putting in a noticeably applied to the scenes set in Mexico really full-length concert film for the band which effervescent performance as a champion lend a tangible quality to the visual earned him a Grammy nomination for the of the people. Shortly after that was Traffic experience. Add this to his slick Directorial video “Yes: 9012 Live” (1986). The next – the epic “war on drugs” thriller starring skills, and close work with his Editors, year he directed “Winston” (1987), a short Benicio Del Toro and Mr. and Mrs. Zeta- and you get a modern auteur who creates film intended to attract investors for his first Douglas to name but a few. Both Erin words: jolyon hunter a fantastic visual canvas for his films to full-length feature. It worked, and in 1989 Brockovoch and Traffic received Oscar take place on. Also look out for regulars “Sex, Lies and Videotape” was released to nominations: Traffic won four Academy Don Cheadle and Luis Guzman in many much acclaim and controversy – it appears Awards in 2001 and Soderbergh picked up Soderbergh movies, they usually turn out to there was a good mixture of both as the the Oscar for Best Director. be memorable members of the cast. film provoked much discussion for its The New Year… 2001 saw Soderbergh Which just goes to show, if you join a examination of modern sexual attitudes and return, still on form, with the remake University Film Society you might just morals. The critics loved it, and Soderbergh of that classic Rat-Pack movie Ocean’s make it big… Why not go along to our very walked away with the Palme d’Or at Eleven, starring an A-list cast to be envied own Oscar Film Unit? They meet at 7pm Cannes and received an Oscar nomination the world over. Once again Clooney and every Thursday in the Media Centre of the for Best Original Screenplay. Roberts turned out for Soderbergh, backed Main Union Building (www.ofu.org.uk). 24 October 2002 MUSIC 17

SINGLES GIGS NEWS We’re a friendly bunch here in the music YOU KNOW YOU’RE RIGHT bit so we thought we’d give you a quick NIRVANA | GEFFEN RECORDS Nirvana’s eagerly awaited lost work recommended guide to some of the gigs recorded a few months before Kurt Cobain’s coming up in November. tragic death reappears. With a greatest Incidentally, you’ll notice there is a sack hits album out in the near future it’s hard load of gigs reviewed this week - that to ignore the commercial whiz kids and is because we have all been busy little Courtney Love cashing in. For Nirvana bunnies and run around the country fans, a nostalgia trip but is this a chapter that checking out the best stuff to bring to should have been left alone and remembered you. Though we put ourselves out for at their peak. This is by no means Nirvana’s you, we don’t mind. In fact, we kind of finest work but would sit pretty on an album enjoy it, you know. as a none single. Even though it could Anyway, here’s that list we were talking never live up to expectations its still got that about. Keep your eyes fixed here for the quality with Cobain’s breathtaking vocals reviews... that highlights the tragedy of the band being cut off at its prime. six | m.b. Vines | Shepards Bush Empire 2nd – 4th Foo Fighters | Wembley Arena 22nd– 23rd Underworld | Brixton Academy 1st – 2nd words by: alex read Koop | Jazz Café 22nd – 23rd simon robinson Alicia Keys | London Arena 8th jon swarbrick | duncan hills King Prawn | USSU 16th matty b | anthos chrysanthou Nitin Sawhney | Shepards Bush 8th anna wheeler | mark iyer Ryan Adams| Royal Festival Hall 11th Richard Ashcroft | Brixton Academy 7th if you are interested in writing for the music Moby / Lamb | Wembley Arena 4th team, then come along to the cd hand-out in the media centre on mondays at 5pm ON MY WAY DOWN SPAN | UNIVERSAL/ISLAND Media including Kerrang and NME as well as the Evening Standard and the Independent MUST BE DREAMING – THE MIXES has praised Norwegian rockers Span. The band has even opened for the mighty Cheap FROU FROU | UNIVERSAL Trick. However, it isn’t easy to figure out why from this single. Fast guitars and drum beat ‘Must be dreaming’ is the second single to be rawk, this is nothing new and sounds like it comes straight out of the eighties. If you like taken from the Frou Frou’s acclaimed debut the Nickelback sound around at the moment, you might like this. Otherwise, avoid. four | album ‘Details.’ Seems as though Frou Frou a.w. have gone to work on this release with some good remixes. The second ‘ruff and jam’ remix stands out as one of the better ones. WHATCHULOOKINAT The single sounds a little sanitized in places, WHITNEY HOUSTON | BMG relying heavily on Imogen Heap’s sensual Soul Diva Whitney Houston releases her first single off forthcoming album,Just Whitney. vocals to lend a helping hand against a With unprecedented success over the years her style changes with time that’s been the background of synthesisers and all things key to Whitney’s survival. Whatchulookinat uses elements of R&B and a slight bizarre digital. Worth a listen. six | d.k. likeness to Posh Spice’s duo with Dane Bowers many moons ago. Its not as cutting edge as you may expect from Whitney but its not that bad even though lacking that sparkle that BUS RIDE previous hits have shown. five | m.b. ALEX LLOYD | EMI The latest single from Alex Lloyd sees him asking to ‘get on that bus and ride it LBUMS * on home.’ Still, with no real destination A the new single is a laidback mellow track with good vocals and some beautiful string The Kiss of Morning arrangements. Overall it is a nice sounding “A SUBTLE, graham coxon | transcopic track made soulful by Alex Lloyd’s voice. If The now ex-guitarist of Blur releases hi 4th you are ever found stuck on public transport INTIMATE solo album and shows how much he has after missing your stop then plug this track * come of age outside of them. Always the in. Perfect bus riding music. seven | d.k. AFFAIR. ONE quieter member of Blur and never excited THAT SHINES.” about his position in the limelight, ‘The Kiss of Morning’ reflects this attitude. It is a subtle, intimate affair but one which Elviss th shines. I’m not suggesting anything about saturday 19 october | main union his state of mind but throughout Graham seems to draw influences from estranged The student Kerrang tour rocked into a well packed Student Union for a night of bish, sixties musicians such as Syd Barret (who bash, mosh last Saturday. Up went the barriers around the stage, a sure sign of a metal originally in Pink Floyd is now a recluse onslaught tonight peddled by Kerrang darlings the Elvis’s. With a Lostprophets sound and after going mad from taking too much acid) a Stussy dressed lead singer this was definitely a more modern take on the metal genre. and Nick Drake (who overdosed on anti- None of the band looked any different to you or I with the possible exception of the depressants). This fragile beauty comes bass player who may or may not have been operating on any number of pyschotropics. through especially on ‘Latte’ and ‘Bitter Personally I’d been free basing a combination of wine, lager and whiskey off mates with Jeans’. But perhaps the most notable song jobs for much of the night and consequently found myself in that special place just when on the album is ‘song for Sick’ as it seems the Elvis’s came on. The sweat soaked jock-rock was great for the mosh pit that had to reflect on his relationship with Damon, formed to my left – things kicked off and didn’t subside for the whole set. I loved the “you stabbed me in the back, your lower singer’s use of a citizen band like microphone to give a vocoder vibe and more venom to than a snake, your brains are in your sack, the vitriol. He’s decked out in Stussy life ain’t that bad! Some peeps thought they were you two faced fucking fake”, OUCH! A a little unimaginative, sure I hear where your coming from but my they were fun! More vulnerable gritty affair but his best yet. please Mister Ents Manager. Alex Read seven | s.r. 18 MUSIC 24 October 2002

Human Conditions Life On Other Planets richard ashcroft supergrass | parlaphone I can truly say I have ‘lived’ with this record for the past week – despite no car radio play This 4th album from those cheeky Oxford due to a mate destroying my ICE when ‘reinstalling’ it in my new motor. I’ll tell it how it is boys is slightly more relaxed than some with no unnecessary expletives, there’s two or three excellent songs much like his first solo of their previous offerings. There aren’t LP about another three that are alright and the rest are absolute shit. How I wish Ashcroft many stormers like ‘Richard III’ or ‘Caught would not revel so blatantly in his ‘old-age’ Richard you’re not that fucking old! (sorry). By The Fuzz’ here, but the album is still Tonight Matthew, Richard Ashcroft is Bob Dylan. Or rather Dickey A wrongly believes chock-full of pop gems. Although the band he is of the same song-writing stature. He is undoubtedly sharp, always picking the best sound like they may have grown up a little, tune as lead off single, misleading the public into thinking the rest of the album will be as the stoner aspect is still there. The sound good. So apart from Check The Meaning and Science of Silence we’re left with a mediocre is unmistakable Supergrass, with catchy record. Fortunately like Ian Brown I’ll still forgive any past wrong doings because of what guitar choruses and plenty of ooh and aah they’ve done before, oh and Ashcroft plays Luckyman, History, The Drugs Don’t Work etc. harmonies. ‘Seen The Light’ complete with live which just accentuates the fall from grace. You won’t see the Mad Monkey digging out wah-wah guitar and sheep noises (!) is 60s old Roses’ tracks. six | a.r. psychedelic rock and sounds great. ‘Brecon Beacons’ is slightly unnerving as it is about finding a girl’s body, not the lyrical content we have come to expect from the ‘Grass. ‘Never Done Nothing Like That Before’ (due to be released as a limited edition A New Day At Midnight single shortly) finally ups the tempo a bit david gray and is a cracking 90 second blast. However Writing and producing this record was a the album’s standout track has to be first huge challenge for David Gray. To follow single ‘Grace’, the singalong anthem up the colossal White Ladder Monsieur (“Save your money for the children”), Gray would have to come up with which I’m sure, has ingrained itself in all something that not only appealed to his your brains at some point over the last few now huge fan base but also demonstrated weeks. This album is nothing like as* fast a progression, as we are now several years and furious as classic debut ‘I Should Coco’ on. What we get, is a very much more of or as immediate as second album ‘In It For the same i.e. no pointless strings and brass The Money’. It is the sound of a band who bits just good old-fashioned emotion on are completely comfortable with what they the sleeve and acoustic guitar. This is a do. No radical departures then, this is the lets give em more of what they want love Supergrass we all know and love. seven | affair. David is clearly not in the slightest a.w. bit disenchanted with the music biz and appears to love every minute of his success. Some dubious computer samples at the start of Caroline are frankly terrible and there are a few moments of experimentation that left me thinking thank god he didn’t try anything too Jean Michel Jaare. At his best when things get really down in the dumps David Gray peaks on Dead in the Water. There is brass on Freedom which conjures thoughts of Badly Drawn Boy before dashing them with more melancholy. Complaint music for the David Brent generation. seven | a.r. Details frou frou | wild Disillusioned with dance? P****d off with pop? Frou Frou think they might ALBUMS just have the answer* with their intriguing, and admittedly rather fresh debut album, Details. With the programming talents of Guy Sigsworth (former Bjork and Madonna collaborator) and the gorgeous, ethereal vocals of Imogen Heap, the duo, with their abundant talents, have crafted a record that could genuinely give something fresh to the charts. Something that is so sadly lacking with Tricky on 1995’s classic Maxinquaye. in today’s processed, half-baked world of However, the album unfortunately runs out 1 Love re-makes and cheap ballads that currently of inspiration, and in the end I struggle to nme warchild infests the charts. The album starts off all pick more than four or five decent tracks. This is a money raiser knocked up by the NME and some big name stars oh and McAlmont guns blazing with Let Go and current single The later songs slip into a very tired, & Butler have done a track too– nuff said. There’s diversity oh yes; we go from the Manics, Breathe In. Soaring, breathy vocals from Dido-esque sound and the lyrics rapidly to More Fire Crew via pop sensation Darius. The deal is this: sixteen groups/musicians Imogen are complemented excellently degenerate into run-of-the-mill, lovey- select their favourite number one song from the last fifty years and then they cover it. by Guy’s complex layering and fractured dovey pop fare. Pop music is admittedly The best tracks without question are Jimmy Eat Worlds’ amazing emo soaked rendition beats. However, this sets a pace which not my thing, which is why I give credit of the Prodigys’ Firestarter – words can’t do it justice. Other highlights include Elbows’ unfortunately they struggle to maintain over to Frou Frou for attempting this record Something In The Air where real emotion again punctuates every aspect providing ever the course of the record. Imogen however, and managing to produce something that more dimensions of interest. My other fave is Badly Drawn Boy on Come On Eileen shows why this classically trained pianist doesn’t irritate me! In the end though I something very appealing about the woolly hatted one and risqué lyrics – great. Amongst and singer has drawn comparisons ranging can’t help thinking this upbeat direction these gems there’s some awful chipped glass: The Prodigys’ version of Ghost Town is from Bjork to Beth should have been sacrificed for the darker comparable to the 16 bit Super Nintendo sound of the Ghost Valley levels on Super Mario Gibbons to Cyndi Lauper and even Sinead side we see on tracks like Psychobabble. World i.e. trying to be scary but not actually. Starsailor oh dear, More Fire Crew no! the O’Connor. Her hauntingly beautiful voice The record deserves a decent mark though chicken shed production is embarrassing – I feel I should contribute some of my student has that same addictive sadness and beauty for what it is but gimme some nice, dark loan and the Stereophonics what the fuck are those vocals (please don’t take out the f-word to it that I don’t remember hearing since Tricky any day of the week! six and a half it is appropriate when criticising Kelly Jones). Anyway there’s enough lines amongst the Martina Topley-Bird burst onto the scene | d.h. rocks so buy it. eight | a.r. 24 October 2002 GIGS 19 Made famous by Celine Dion-type ballads

COLDPLAY It’s so gloriously OTT that you half expect member makes some kind of disrespectful Brighton Centre | Monday October 14th Matt Bellamy to fall through the roof in a comment toward the Fatboy and Chris transparent egg. Coldplay follow this with Martin (yes that Chris Martin!) responds Coldplay. Their very name is synonymous the spine-tingling Shiver, where Martin with ‘whoever said that is a twat!’ Rock with drug fuelled antics, chaotic live sets grabs his acoustic and leaps around the n Roll! Drunken Anarchy! Lock up your and outright rock n roll mayhem. Or maybe stage, whirling and hopping about to the sensitive cardigan-wearing older sisters! it isn’t. But tonight excitement is running delight of the crowd. At this point we’re But, alas, Martin blows it a mere one song high in the ‘cultural capital’ as Chris Martin starting to think he’s pissed. He doesn’t later by apologising profusely to the Slim and his merry men bring their increasingly get his knob out, or steal a traffic cone or hater. explorative brand of ballad rock to anything, but surely this can’t be typical The set closes with the immense ‘A Rush Brighton. behaviour? of Blood to the Head’ and a seed of doubt Soon enough, it’s time to ROCK. The lights It’s obvious that Coldplay now have a is sown in the crowd as to whether we will dim and the crowd go mental as Chris wealth of great songs to choose from, and get to hear ‘In My Place’. Will there be an Martin charges on stage like some kind of they play nearly all them. The genius of encore? deranged man-sized stick insect in a suit, all songs like ‘The Scientist’ and ‘God Put A Eventually emerging to huge relief and elbows and knees as he unleashes the kind Smile Upon Your Face’ shine through live, enthusiasm, they continue with ‘Clocks’ of outrageously wacky dance you only ever aided by the fact that Martin radiates star and then, finally, the drum intro to ‘In different portions of the crowd, and gallops see in a cartoon. As he grins away, the rest quality throughout. Now well in the mood My Place’ begins, taking the roof off offstage, still grinning like a loon. While of Coldplay slink over to their instruments for a singsong, the crowd actually sing two the Brighton Centre. The folk in the the mighty Radiohead hunt bears in sardine quietly in the background. thirds of yellow before he joins in. Martin seating area are mostly standing now, tins somewhere in the lower stratosphere of The apocalyptic first chords of ‘Politik’ appends a bit of Fatboy Slim vocals to the and the entire venue is singing along Neptune and communicate to their devoted break the expectant silence, the crowd are end of ‘Daylight’ and like the nice guy - ‘Yeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhh, how long etc…’ fans through an occasional series of bleeps, blinded by lights and Martin appears to he is proceeds to tell the Brighton crowd After the final song ‘We Never Change’, Coldplay may soon be in a position to fill * be having a fit of some sort on the piano. how great Norman Cook is. Then a crowd the band takes a bow. Martin thanks 19 the void. words: anthos chrysanthou

only thing really missing is a larger than life stage presence. The most outrageous character in the band is the drummer Mike Death in Vegas Portnoy and he does well but is hard to see Hackney Ocean | (19/10/02) behind his x million piece drum kit. Singer James Labrie looks like something from In 1967 John Cale, Lou Reed and a few others took a show around America called the the Arthurian legends but really plays vox Exploding Plastic Inevitable. It was indeed an explosive affair with whirling electronic rather than fronting the band, and although feedback, stunning visuals and the frail vocals of Nico. This band eventually became the he makes all the right noises he lacks the legendary Velvet Underground. Move forward 35 years and the show has finally arrived in raw charisma to become a great frontman. London. Technology may have moved forward, but Death in Vegas apply exactly the same But for these two nights at the Astoria that idea, be loud, blind them with visuals and haunt them with echoing samples through a wall doesn’t matter, because it’s all about the of feedback, a kind of sado masochist frenzy. Right from the moment Death in Vegas take fans. Eighty percent of the people in the to the stage and begin ‘Leather’ its dirtiness and loudness is impressive and reaches straight room know the songs, every word, every for the jugular. Juxtapose this immediately with ‘girls’ which allows the audience to take Dream Theater note, every bizarre time change, and they’re in what has just grabbed them round the throat. What with the visuals on the screen the The Astoria London | 20&21st October here to see their idols play the music they opening few tracks amount to a real sensory hysteria. love. The set continued along in the same destructive way with Death in Vegas continuing with Mention Dream Theater to a lot of heavy The format for these two shows was; no tracks from the new album ‘Scorpio Rising’. However, an inherent problem with Death rock fans and they’ll look at you blankly. support band to play, two Dream Theater in Vegas becomes apparent after they begin to slow down. Throughout their two previous Either that or make some derogatory sets a night with a “special surprise” on the albums they have used a range of guest vocals from Liam Gallagher to Hope Sanderval remark about “progressive pants” or “self- second night. On the first night we received (formerly of Mazy Star). When it comes to perform these tracks live, as they are unable indulgent arse”, which is a real shame a slightly odd first set, mostly things they to get the singer, they play them as instrumentals. After a while this becomes tiring and because this is a band with talent best don’t often play live, pleasant surprises but the monotonous drone of the guitars becomes apparent. For those actually watching the measured by the metric tonne, not only odd choices nonetheless. For the second set band and not the visuals (except the crazy bowl-cutted keyboardist) it becomes a lesson in as players but as songwriters, and the the band run through Six Degrees of Inner shoe gazing. ‘So you say you lost your baby’ Turbulence in its entirety. This is a forty- is a clear example. Featuring Paul Weller on five minute song comprising the second the new album, but live there are no vocals disc of the album of the same name, and at all, it just ended up sounding like a long was, according to one fan ‘awesome’. I left introduction. ‘Scorpio Rising’ which features before the encores and was disappointed Lima Gallagher just had echoes of his voice to be told that I’d missed home and the whispering through the feedback and fuzz (but duelling solos between the guitar and the this is probably a good thing, as his voice tends keyboard… curse you Southwest trains! to grate these days). The second night was definitely the You can forgive them at times because there better. Featuring more of the greatest is so much going on musically and visually hits that the fans shout for, a guitar solo the most of the time it is easy to forget about played on the keyboard and the ‘special singing, it’s only the down tempo tracks like surprise’ of a complete run through Iron ’23 rising’ where it becomes noticeable. All Maiden’s ‘number of the beast’ album it is certainly forgotten when they return for was a triumphant tour de force, the shame the encore with ‘hands around my throat’ and of it is that it should’ve been at Wembley ‘dirge’ spinning round the room in a frenzy. stadium in front of a crowd of ten thousand For they finish at their best, dirty and loud people. If only they knew what they were and leave the stage in a screeching crescendo. missing… Simon Robinson words: morgan gooch | photos: chris hunter 20 LITERATURE & COMPETITIONS 24 October 2002 Literature classic | the wasp factory | iain banks The literature section is now island. Frank has been brought up in the very capable hands of “IF YOU DO NOT LIKE TO without the strict rules of civilisation, and Chris Ward, who is the new is a pure specimen of the innate selfishness literature editor. If you are HEAR THE WORDS ‘DOG’, shown by humanity. At a younger age he interested in anything to do with killed some of his younger relatives, eluding the written word, or have any suspicion from the police. His brother has suggestions as to how we can ‘PETROL’ AND ‘MATCHES’ recently escaped from a mental asylum, and make this bit better, then Chris his imminent return to the island provides a is the man to contact. IN THE SAME SENTANCE, fluctuating suspense throughout the entire Simply drop us a line at novel. [email protected] with THEN THIS BOOK IS NOT The conventions that Banks uses in this the subject matter as “litera- novel are unclear, and perhaps mirror the ture” and we will get back FOR YOU.” tools employed by the famous playwright to you. Until then, happy Bertolt Brecht. He believed that by reading. exploring taboo in his works and by placing Perhaps I am signing my death warrant as shocking incongruities in unexpected areas a writer by writing my first literary article would force the reader to take a step back AUTHOR OF THE WEEK on possibly the most controversial and and question. He called this “gest”. This unconventional novels of modern (maybe is not to be confused with the subtle Oscar even postmodern) times. This novel was Wilde style satire. Banks grabs hold of Thomas Harris frowned upon in 1984 when it was released, satire, bitch-slaps it, and rips it to shreds in and sparked many contrasting debates as order to achieve his effects. Banks clearly In light of the recent release of Red Dragon words: chris ward to whether it was a good piece of literature goes a step further than Brecht, due to the (the adaptation to Harris’ first book sharing or not. It seems so, as I was allowed (and fact that his story is so warped and alien the same name), I thought it would be in order to catch the aptly named “Tooth urged) to take this on as a comparative to the world that we know. As a result, appropriate to provide a commentary on the Fairy”. However, his biggest fears need to coursework text for A-Level English you will either read this book till the end, elusive figure behind the twisted darkness be realise as he finds no alternative but to Literature – alongside Lord Of The Flies. or you will throw it down with a gesture of four outstandingly successful suspense seek help from the man who maimed him The controversy of The Wasp Factory lies of disgust. I recommend it for those who novels. These are by no means any all those years ago. The entire situation is within the plot. We see the world through are studying literature, but I must attach ordinary suspense novels. This man spends made public by Freddy Lounds, a reporter the eyes of Frank, a sixteen year old boy a warning to all those who decide to read a lot of time researching and working on his for the National Tattler, who puts Graham’s who lives on a secluded Scottish island with it. DO NOT buy this book if you don’t novels (between six to eight years), in order family in immense danger, as well as his father. There is a small town nearby, but like to hear the words “dog”, “petrol”, and to achieve ultimate perfection and clarity himself. This culminates in a personal it is clearly detached from the events of the “matches” in the same sentence. in his work. It seems to confrontation that risks have paid off. This man is the lives of Graham, his responsible for possibly the wife, and his young son. biggest ambivalent blend of The most famous and sophistication and evil ever prestigious of Harris’ imagined. Dr Hannibal novels is, without a doubt, Competition[s] “The Cannibal” Lecter. The Silence Of The Thomas Harris was born Lambs (1988). FBI Agent So popular was last week’s competition that in Jackson, Tennessee, Clarice Starling must we have decided to keep it open for another in 1940. As a youth he trade in personal secrets week. The questions are thus: enjoyed writing, and he about herself in order to invested a lot of time in obtain information from For the Miss Selfridge vouchers: the activity. He continued Dr Hannibal Lecter about how much discount is available at Miss this by attending Baylor the serial killer known as Selfridge during the month of October? University in Waco, Texas, “Buffalo Bill” (named so to study English. He later for his tendency to skin For the motorola t191 handset: married one of the students parts of his victims after what is the name of the mobile phone he met there, although this killing them). Lecter company who are running the mixitmoto did not last long. They divorced in the escapes at the end of the novel, leaving dj challenge at universities across the 60s with one daughter. Unfortunately for Starling to bask in her “15 minutes of united kingdom? Harris, his father also passed away quite fame” after capturing Jame Gumb, aka soon after. Buffalo Bill. If you could e- mail your answers Harris spent six years as a crime reporter The final novel in the Lecter series is along to the usual address then for the Associated Press in New York. This simply named Hannibal. It presents t h a t would be great. provided him with the knowledge and Starling’s “fall” after an unsuccessful Well, it will be more insight needed to craft a dangerous criminal stakeout results in a bloodbath. Starling great for you than it and bring it to life; but moreso the power had to choose between being killed, or will be for me, but to craft a complex story-line laced with shooting a HIV+ mother holding a baby that is swings and suspense and fear. (as well as a gun). The picture of Starling roundabouts. His first novel, Red Dragon (1981) holding a baby covered with the blood of My girlfriend’s introduced Dr Hannibal Lecter. An insane her mother is plastered all over the national decision is final cannibalistic psychiatrist who possesses an press. In order to “atone”, she must return and all that, but intelligence far greater than any average to a different case, more personal than any rest assured she is human being. It tells the tale of Will of the others. She must find and capture a very reasonable Graham, who years ago managed to capture Dr Hannibal Lecter. The conclusion to this person. In fact, Dr Lecter; he still bears the scars. He, like book is extremely different to the film, so she’s loverrrly. Lecter, has the ability of placing himself I will keep it under wraps in case anybody in the mind of the killer in order to trace decides to read it. For those who have the steps. However, a new killer is on the never read any of Harris’ novels before, I loose. One who slaughters entire families urge you to do so. Harris has the powerful in the most gruesome manner. skill of making the readers’ heart race, and Finding this string of murders too close to in doing so, creating a frightful awareness home (he now has a family), Graham takes of what could be standing outside the it upon himself to return from retirement window... 24 October 2002 COMMUNICATE 21 Joe ‘Chungo’ Holloway – a tribute by the entire j-team j-team.biz j-team.biz was spelt out to me on a particular weekend trip away to a place called Cromford, in the - North. The troop were staying in a converted railway station and a few of us, Chungo team excluded, had invested in a fortunes worth of ‘Bomb Bags’ or Lemonade Bombs with which to cause havoc with over the weekend. We subsequently spent the entire first night creeping into the leader’s rooms and setting them off. When the morning finally rolled around we were all lined up before breakfast and quizzed. The genuine look of surprise on the scariest of all leader’s face when she was told that Joe and his brother, Billy, had had J nothing to do with the proceedings the night before was absolutely priceless. Check out the ‘classic tomorrow for an impersonation of what she said! I have always regarded Chungo as none other than ‘the tutor of my madness’. He was also, however, one of the nicest people I have ever met. We never once argued, and although I don’t remember a time when I wanted to, but you really couldn’t stay annoyed with him. Everyone he met, provided they gave him half a second, could get on with him. That is the mark of a real good person. It is for this reason that Mr. Tea found no difficulty in liking him, which is why the rest is up to him. I just want to say that he was an immense person, no less. I, Mr. Tea am incredibly proud and privileged to say that I knew Chungo. The fact is that I gave this guy the tag ‘the funniest person I have ever met’. I had never before met someone that could constantly make me laugh. He made me laugh whenever I was with him, from words: Judge Mental and Mr Tea dancing in the Union with our trousers round our ankles, to having a barking competition We interrupt our schedule of articles to bring you the sad news of the passing away of a on a beach in Kent! It wasn’t even just what he said, the guy was an unbelievable actor and dear friend of ours, Joe ‘Chungo’ Holloway. Monday 14th October saw the loss of a truly born entertainer. The mark of his entertainment skills was the way he could make me laugh immense person from this Earth, almost simultaneously. As his name displays, Chungo was without saying anything. By using a ridiculous dance or just by sending one of his many no ordinary guy. Despite being plagued with terrible asthma for the majority of his life, as comedy facial expressions my way, it didn’t matter – he made me laugh! well as pulling through a nasty accident to his ankle a few years back, Chungo was always The sad fact of life is that people pass away everyday. Although I believe that Chungo’s capable of producing fits of laughter out of anything at anytime. It was for this exact reason life was taken from him before his time, I am so happy that I was blessed with the honour that Chungo had recently taken up the part of ‘random caller and creator of the Universe’, of getting to know him. Matthew, on The J-Team Classic. Join us on Chungo’s J-Team Classic this Thursday for a musical tribute to the great man I, Judge Mental, have known Chungo for over half of my life. Despite being a year older himself. We will endeavour to play all Chungo’s favourite tunes, as well as having some than him, I knew him through his brother at primary school. It wasn’t until Scouts a few very special guests in the studio. Chungo’s brothers Harry and Billy (Drum and Bass DJ, years later that I can say that I ‘got to know’ him. Chungo was always the ‘morale booster’ Holla B) and Forest (close friend of Chungo) will be joining us amongst others. So be of the troop, if someone had done something cheeky, it was him! His prominent reputation there, 7-10 pm, 1350 am, GU2! the.net bringing you the randomness from cyberspace words: chris “funkyberry” hunter The first site I shall talk about this week is our very own Bulletin Board. At http://bb.ussu.co.uk you can talk about anything you like. The topics range from music to life, from people looking for housemates, to discussing love problems. A lot of people just like to look at what’s being written, but there are a lot more people who feel they need to express their views. I’ve been looking at a lot of other Student Union Bulletin boards, and I have yet to find one that is as well used as ours! Its Nokia Game time of year again. Nokia Game is basically a game where you get clues via different types of media (i.e. a txt, phonecall, newspaper, TV advert, radio, etc), which tell you to do certain things by a certain date – usually playing an online game to submit a score. Its played in 13ish other countries at the same time, and you can get more info at www.nokia.co.uk . I’ve got to the final for the last 2 years running, so it can’t be that hard! If you like animated films, then you may want to check out Rustboy. Rustboy is the creation of Brian Taylor, and the website is at www.rustboy.com . Although it started out as just a small home project, he has been given funding to proceed full steam ahead with a Rustboy film, and if you check out some of the preview animations you’ll see that it is already looking good! For people interested in mobile phones, you may want to register with www.thefuturelook.com as I entered a competition there, and actually won something (I’m rather sceptical about a lot of online competitions). The site also has a lot of good reviews of phones that are just out, and ones that are round the corner. This is the site where I first learned about the Vertu Platinum Phone (that costs £15,000), and then on Sunday met a guy at Waterloo Station that had one (although his was the cheap stainless- steel version, at a measly £4,000!) have your say 22 INTERACTIVE 24 October 2002 The top-five addictions of a male teenage adolescent existence

This article, says Andrew Mendes, is not meant to be educational, it’s just been collaborated through my own experiences with close friends, it’s not judgemental but an insightful look at the behaviour of teenage males through my eyes. alcohol There are four stages experienced on of the weekend. For example, ecstasy for a lads ‘booze- up on the town.’ To the clubbing stage, progressing to snorting begin with there is the ‘intoxication’ or cocaine in the toilets (if you can afford to!!) ‘wankeredness’, where everything starts to for that extra buzz. Once you get home, become a blur, if extreme amounts of vodka the side-effects of ecstasy kick in such as are consumed then one will feel an extra insomnia. You might then smoke some boost of happiness combined with a very cannabis as this induces a relaxation for the heavy dose of hyperactivity. Moving along ‘come down’ stage, which will help you to to the womanising which, with the habitual sleep. beer goggles, is a very common side effect In a way, the drugs distances the user from which almost every teenage will testify in reality, achieving a higher train of thought understanding and probably boasting to away from exams, financial difficulties, ‘first hand’ knowledge in the subject! The moaning girlfriends, hassle from parents where 22 men embark in an enthralling addictions in all extremes maybe combined, third stage develops, the inevitable stage etc… However, the ill-effects of the match (in most cases), which inevitably but that it is quite rare, in most cases of of being kicked out by the bouncer for majority of the drugs are very evident, results in whether ones week is satisfying teenage boys, there is always one major being too drunk, after realising that you especially if you have known the user for a or not. Where one win against a local rival addiction which fuels their life, passion and have spent almost all your hard earned while; the memory loss, the almost ‘senile or a fellow mates’ team could mean half a ‘energy’!! cash, the hunger sets in. Digging into your dementure’ teenagers seem to suffer from year of abuse ‘dished out’ and perhaps, in a In my opinion, every man lives in search pockets for that spare change; the search prematurely. In some cases, following the small way almost ‘control’ and ‘dominance’ of pleasure, that is why addictions are so for the kebab van becomes a treasure hunt, road away from the ‘straight and narrow’ in arguments, where the mention of this common to all of us, the ecstatic feeling the complete rip-off of a kebab feels at the into a zombie-like state, sadly throwing one result could reduce a man to tears!!!! when your team scores, the ‘highness’ time, PRICELESS!!! Once managing to away any chance of a great career that they The love for the game becomes the most from a pill, the feeling of invincibility stagger home, you sleep in a drunken state, once had the potential to achieve. important part of the mans life, travelling to from drunkenness, an orgasm from sex and this is a very bad form of sleep, where you ‘home’ and ‘away’ fixtures every time the the sense of achievement and pride when never have a ‘deep’ sleep but end up as an education team plays becomes the norm, finances are achieving fantastic exam grades!!! awful heap on the bed. Morning, the fourth stretched trying to keep up with increasing However I do believe that a sense of stage; the struggle of getting out from bed, This may be surprising for the reader to ticket and kit prices, all this to watch dependence grows with these addictions, the stumble into fridge or kitchen for a swig believe, but I have been associated with 11 men trying to kick a ball into a net!! in one extreme, we might not be able to of any available fluid, like that English cup a few people in which this subject is the Fantastic, ISN’T IT???? survive without them...There are, of course of tea, not forgetting the nine sugars (the only thing of any relevance to there lives!! all the negative effects to add; hooliganism, dentist’s field day!!). They refuse to go out, never watch TV severe depression, hangovers, diseases Alcohol is also a form of a pick up, it’s a (apart from the educational stuff), don’t sex and social isolation which can all be way of taking away the insecurities of life, play sports, the reader may disagree with Its very hard not being addicted to consequences from our actions. feeling confident, losing inhibitions, doing me, saying that no such person exists, this (without being too explicit), it’s the I hope that I have not offended anyone or saying unusual things and even reacting however they do!!! In most cases, studying something about the way that you have in this article and that I have not been in completely different ways compared to medicine, where their whole of a teenagers’ released energy which you never realized interpreted as a male chauvinist, sexist pig, your sober self!!! Of course, not forgetting life has been stuck with their head in you had in you, it’s the smile from a great I have spoken from the heart, generalised the liver and kidney damage (!). But the books, fuelled by the belief that this orgasm, the glow, I don’t know, but it can experiences that have happened to me or when telling everyone that you will never will help them to achieve great things. dominate ones life quite dramatically. what I have seen with my own two eyes, let yourself repeat the drunkenness…. However, this also means that they struggle Sometimes it’s the only thing on your and I hope you have enjoyed reading… that feeling of head-thumping….. one is severely in socialising, which is very sad. mind, the subject always discussed (and that no-one belonging to the opposite GUARANTEED to lie. I think that everyone would never disagree with friends!! Eyes never seem to stop sex will slap me!!!) that receiving high grades and excellent wandering, either at the opposite sexes’ drugs accolades is one of the most pleasurable cleavage or other assets (no imagination feelings that you can have. By doing this needed!!!), searching like a lion looking The reliance on a chemical substance(s) above left and below: two fine specimens of this race you can have immense pride in yourself for that next piece of meat, hormones run we like to call “human” affects every type of relationship you wild, you become an uncontrollable sex- could have; family, friends, social and football crazed fiend! Of course, the introduction with yourself. Where a weekend will fully of self-discipline becomes highest on the utilise the fact there are 48 hrs in which to and, at the end of the day life is about agenda; you would never want a girl to ‘PARTY’!!! In most cases, a ‘cocktail’ of oneself; pleasure can be a fortune or a loss. know what is really running through your drugs are used for the different ‘stages’ Existence depends on a weekend fixture, mind (especially as they’re all running through topless.) Arguably, the greatest invention known to man, the Internet has to be mentioned. The downloading of copious “EVERY MAN LIVES amounts of hardcore pornography has made life so much more satisfying, spending the night with the one-eyed milkman has never IN SEARCH OF sounded, or felt so good…. Porn mags, Maxim, FHM and a hundred others have all been items for discussion for every group PLEASURE: THAT IS of male friends, who’s the gorgeous lady on the front cover revealing all this month??? I feel that this is the only subject that I have written about that has applied to all men!!!! WHY ADDICTIONS ARE It is a common thought and statistically we are meant to think about it on average every 10 seconds; statistics never lie….. SO COMMON.” Of course, the combination of these 24 October 2002 COMMUNICATE 23 GU2 radio station: this is an update Lyrics Quiz Lyrics Quiz Lyrics Quiz

Last week was an absolute clinker for Feeling there was probably enough titilation for the men amongst you this week with the GU2. Those of you listening last Tuesday “HE HAD THE pictures on the opposite page, there follows just a wee treat for the girls. I’ve often heard would have heard Bf’s own Richard Watts it said that old Gerard can be quite sexy in some films, so here’s a little wobbly-nosed treat in an exclusive interview from Shane TRICKY JOB OF for all the female lyrics-quizzers out there. Apart from that, just the usual peops... Lynch formerly of boyzone about his There is an element of confusion regarding the new process by which you receive the new band called Redhill. Rich had the STEERING THE answers to the lyrcis quiz: no longer do you have to wait until the next issue of barefacts, tricky job of steering the conversation for the answers are to be found, somewhat up-side down and certainly a little smaller, in away from Boyzone and shifting more CONVERSATION a place not too far from here. One week, we might even project them on to the side of towards the new music style which is more Senate House – now that would be fun...anyway, there’s no more alphabetical restrictions reminiscent of Cypress Hill than a Ronan anymore, so put your thinking caps on: Keating effort. Shane had come along to AWAY FROM see the Canyheads at ‘Live’ last Tuesday 1. “Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees” so some of you might have recognized BOYZONE.” 2. “Warm smell of colitas rising up through the air” him. Anyway, over the next two weeks rich watts meets shane from boyzone 3. “I could spend my life in this sweet surrender” there will be even more variation to the 4. “There’s a feeling I get when I look to the west” shows on GU2 1350am. More new dj’s and 5. “We were hitch-hiking down a long and lonesome road” presenters have been recruited so pretty 6. “At least I have her love – this city she loves me” much every style has been catered for. For 7. “I said I love and I swear I still do” a more detailed schedule visit our brand 8. “There’s a shadow hanging over me” spanking new website www.gu2.co.uk. You 9. “Kicking your can all over the place” can even see picture of the presenters on air the new Suede album, ALSO many many 10. “It’s not that I want you, not to say but if you only knew” at the time. other albums to be won in between. But Remember - we are still Last week lucky prize winner walked If you already own all of the albums you having the “who shall the away with copies of the new Foofighters could ever wish for…. You can enter the token attractive person single and Odeon competition that runs every Friday 11am- be this week in the lyrics cinema ticket. 1pm to win Cinema tickets and goodies quiz area of barefacts.” COMPETITIONS with Big Al and the Sex Machine. Last week, in its inaugu- COMING UP It’s not too late to become involved ral week, the presenters IN THE NEXT at GU2. Next week we are keen to of Newsround were the FEW WEEKS: recruit more news team members and visual treat for all those Next week win a technical support staff…….email who ventured that far. meal for 2 at the [email protected] for more Perhaps if you have a Emandel restaurant information. suggestion, or perhaps in Richmond, plus a ONLY 3 MONTHS TO GO NOW even a picture, then you Limited edition of BEFORE GU2 GOES ON FM! should let us know your thoughts. I’m sure I don’t have to remind you, Ballroom dancing society but just in case: A quick glimpse into the world of the fancy-feet folks [email protected] We thought we’d write this article to dispel the cynic’s view that all ballroom and latin Oh, a mobile phone or dancers are either over 70 or scarily made £100 of Miss Selfridge up men and women. Well we’re not Come vouchers if I win this Dancing, we don’t look like we’ve just week’s competition been tangoed and we’re not all doddery on page 20? You pensioners! know, I think I might So what are we? Firstly we are one of just have a go at that. the largest social societies at UniS and Crumbs, this basically we dance for fun and for trophies. barefacts paper is The society has been running for 5 years jolly good when it and this year showed our biggest turnout comes to things like ever, with over 100 of you coming to our this, isn’t it? beginners session! Our lessons are held What a lucky person every Wednesday in the University Hall at I could be if I win... 7.45pm for beginners – you can come to this one even if you have two left feet! – and an we’ll be off to 2 or 3 comps this year, the advanced lesson for people with previous first of which is in December at Oxford. experience at 8.45pm. We also are planning trips to go and watch What have we been up to? Over the last 2 international dance competitions and other Catholic society years, we have managed to successfully strut events around the country. If that wasn’t our stuff through bronze and silver medals, enough we will be out and about on other After a bit of a bumpy ride last year, where this is a group will meet outside as well as representing the university in less ‘dancey’ social evenings throughout the CathSoc is up and running once again. the library steps at 5:05pm). This will be national inter-varsity competitions! This year aswell. CathSoc is the university’s Catholic followed either by a meal or by drinks in kind of stuff isn’t just for professional So what do our members think? We Society (not CAT society, as one misguided Chancellors. dancers with years of experience – all of our picked up these quotes: “It wasn’t what we member of the public thought, though So come along and see what its all 1st timers that participated did well in their expected”, “I really enjoyed dancing with it was our fault really - the banner said about, we’ll be happy to give you more sections at the comps and all passed their different men”, “the latin music was funky”, CatSoc), and it’s open to both students and information if you’re curious. Alternatively exams. “I was pleasantly surprised”. staff, Catholics and non-Catholics. But of pop into the Chaplaincy at Bourne Flat, or What’s the plan for this year? Being So what’s the problem? If you think you course, we need you to get involved.. email [email protected] to be put the sociable bunch that we are, we’ll be in can dance, come along and prove it! If you Our meetings are held on Tuesdays 7: on our mailing list. the union every Wednesday night after the think you can’t, come along and we’ll teach 30-8:30pm in Bourne Flat, and are a mix And a note to all our old members – please class! Drunken antics aside, we have our you! of social events and discussions, with the get in touch as we have started our mailing annual Christmas Ball planned for week 13 University Hall Wednesdays 7.45/ occasional guest speaker. And naturally list from scratch this year! And don’t at the Holiday Inn, with the “International 8.45pm. For more information contact Mass on Sundays: this is at 5:15pm in forget that the Christian Union meets every DJ” Ross Mitchell! Competition wise [email protected] the Quiet Centre (if you don’t know Thursday at 7:30pm in Wates House. 24 INTERACTIVE 24 October 2002

£100: which artists won the Turner Prize in 1986? WORD a: topsy and tim | b: gilbert and george | c: renet and renato | d: little and large An Ex-pat is not an ex-pat until they have at least been a pat in the first Who Wants to Be A Millionaire? place. An X-pat, however, needs no prior qualifications. £200: in the sitcom “Are You Being Served”, whose catchphrase was “I’m Free”? X a: mr lucas | b: captain peacock | c: mrs slocume | d: mr humphries £300: what is the sum of the interior angles of a triangle”? a: 360 | b: 90 | c: 180 | d: 3

£500: what was the name of Napoleon Bonaparte’s first empress”? a: claudette | b: marie antoinette | c: emma | d: josephine

£1k: in which country was the 1992 film “Strictly Ballroom” set? a: south africa | b: canada | c: new zealand | d: australia

£2k: which of these wars began in 1950? a: spanish civil war | b: vietnam war | c: suez war | d: korean war

£4k: what is a “yashmak”? a: a veil | b: a bracelet | c: a prayer mat | d: a belt

£8k: in which city is the Hermitage Museum? a: paris | b: helsinki | c: copenhagen | d: saint petersburg

£16k: who played nicole kidman’s husband in the 1995 movie “To Die For”? a: matt dillon | b: tom cruise | c: rob lowe | d: brad pitt across down 1. wed [5] 1. sensitive plants [7] £32k: who painted the ceiling of banqueting house of Whitehall Palace? 4. made equine sound [7] 2. governor [5] a: rubens | b: rembrandt | c: renoir | d: raphael 8. inattentive type [7] 3. veil [7] 9. relish [5] 4. italian city [6] £64k: the world’s second largest barrier reef is off the coast of which country? 10. play indifferently [5] 5. bar of metal [5] a: belize | b: kenya | c: dominican republic | d: papua new guinea 11. interlace [7] 6. unfriendly [7] 13. recess [4] 7. went by car [5] £125k: in which of these disciplines did Vitaly Scherbo not win Olympic gold in 1992? 15. bird of prey [6] 12. tidy [4] a: floor | b: parallel bars | c: rings | d: pommel horse 17. stress [6] 14. saucy [4] 20. assess [4] 16. lean back [7] £250k: which was the first film to feature the on screen pairing of Spencer Tracy and 22. bowler’s aims [7] 18. sure [7] Katharine Hepburn? 24. religious teacher [5] 19. ancient greek vessel [7] a: morning glory | b: adam’s rib | c: guess who’s coming to dinner | d: woman of 26. covered in climbing plants [5] 21. facet [6] the year 27. instance [7] 22. chess player [5] 28. consistent [7] 23. invest [5] £500k: which country has a new parliament building known as the beehive? 29. slight push 25. two-legged creature [5] a: australia | b: canada | c: ireland | d: new zealand

£1m: which of these members of the royal family was born in 1961? a: the earl of wessex | b: lady helen taylor | c: duke of york | d: viscount lindley

Last weeks photo was of the footbridge to the AQA building, somewhere that I think anyone that has ever been to AP must have walked under. This week’s one is from probably the most central point on our whole campus. Remember that photos taken from certain angles can hide depth of field. - funkyberry - 24 October 2002 GOSSIP & LatWOMB 25

ife After The Womb words: rich w Final years Funkyberry (CIT) and Ickle Sarah (Music) give As a child, I was not particularly popular. It might have been a random slice of campus life from their humble dwellings L something to do with my ridiculous lankiness (where my height to within Battersea Court Rawson… weight ratio plummeted within days of my voice breaking) and the FOR THE LAST FEW DAYS AROUND MY SINK OVER THE PAST FEW WEEKS, BATTERSEA local outbreaks on my face of what could only be described as spots. In fact, it got to one area there has been this rather biological Rawson has been invaded by a hoard of point, once the bullying had started, that I told my aunty how bad the situation was to be smell. I’d attributed this to my ski boots, foreign killer ants…. well, maybe not killer, greeted with the possibly obligatory “sticks and stones may break my bones, but word will but after investigation I found my 5KG but it’s a bit disconcerting when little black never hurt me” reply, thus making that physical abuse all the more endurable. So there I bag of white potatoes that I bought on the dots start appearing all over your loaf of was, confronted by my tormentors, just about to knock seven shades of the pooey stuff out day I moved back. I’d never really know bread. They’re apparently called Pharaoh’s of me, when I repeat what my aunty had told me: “sticks and stones may break my bones why they were called white potatoes, when Ants, but are fast becoming known as but words will never hurt me.” At this point, I should probably applaud the bulliers, for, they are a kinda yellow colour – but I can Egyptian Pants on Rawson 2. Appropriately, using both quick wit and intelligence (two characteristics not normally associated with bul- say for sure, these potatoes WERE white! the sign on our kitchen notice board now lies) they proceeded to find half-bricks and throw those at me, the logic presumably being Still, I shaved the fluff off and made jacket asks residents to “report all sightings of “he’s right you know - words can’t hurt him...” potatoes out of them…..ok I didn’t really! pants to the housekeeper”! As a result of years of this kind fo treatment, therefore, I became somewhat of a recluse Lets talk about Rawsoners and an apology SO how many of you went to the Toga Party - not venturing out of the house and not doing much, in fact, except read my dictionary. I have to make. Last week I mentioned on Friday? For many it will have been the Though this might seem somewhat strange, the months of enjoyment I got out of reading Amy’s name. Amy has told me off about initiation into the bizarre Surrey tradition the dictionary (and other associated dictionary practises, like word-counting and dictionary this, so I’m sorry Amy, and I won’t mention of theme nights! Seven of us made our way hopping) somehow transformed me into a much more socially-confident person. With im- your name again. (rather quickly – it was cold!) to the Union, proved word power (a natural result of reading a dictionary, I find) it was suddenly possible WHILST looking around at what big name dressed in identical blue togas, golden to strike down an opponent when things did remain purely verbal. Pen. Sword. Mightier. acts other Student Unions have, I came sashes and ivy leaf head gear for one of the And all that. across the Greenwich University Students best nights out so far this year. Though most Anyway, LATW was intending to give you a brief exmample of dictionary hopping: let’s Union page. Under their News page, I of the Freshers on my floor don’t seem to start with redact, which means to put into a literary form or edit for publication. Given found sub headings for: News Archive, be able to comprehend the obsession with that this is a newspaper, this redact business happens quite a lot in these parts, giving rise General News, Campaigns News, Sport & dressing up, I’ve got just over a week to to such articles as Rawson’s creek (to my left) and a plethora of letters moaning about Societies News, Union News, and Website persuade them that they ARE dressing up car-parking. A car is defined as a road vehicle with an enclosed passenger compartment, News. It seems the only thing they lacked for Drag and Fetish Night... powered by an internal combustion engine. It says nothing in there about alloy wheels, was News About News! THIS brings me onto the subject of our spoilers or the use of one’s automobile to further one’s social standing, but that is because ON Sunday I learned that my concept of cleaner, known as “Cleaning Bloke” by the notion of what car you have refelcting how brilliant you are is redundant, bordering on “shortly” is totally different to British my floor. He seems to have an unhealthy facile. Rail’s. I was on the last train to Guildford addiction to the soundtrack of Twin Peaks Combustion is more your sort of exciting word, because it means consumption by fire. on Sunday night, and we got to Clapham – after Neil left his tape in the hi-fi during Grrr - how manly! As soon as you mention fire, most men grunt their approval and long Junction where the engine that powered the the first week, you can now hear it blaring for a stick in hand; saying that, as soon as you mention engine or car, most men grunt but lights broke down. Obviously not wanting out of the kitchen every single weekday have something else in their hand (almost literal ego-massaging you might think), but that to strain our eyes, BR then pulled that train at 10am, without fail! He also insists is a digression. The success of combustion as a word comes as a result of its association from service, and said the replacement on piling our nine chairs up against the with fire and cars and also because it is one of those processes everyone knows about but would be with us “shortly”. It then took a radiator as soon as he arrives each morning has no idea how it actually works. “Yeah, the air goes in there and then the fule ignites it, very very cold hour to get a new train out of – not a problem unless you’re in the room but only on the down-turn of the piston, and then it forces out the air and makes the car go the yard so we could continue our journey! right next door, where the radiator links forward.” It’s a little like cake-baking in that sense: everyone knows how to bake a cake, If it took an hour to get it from the yard, directly to the one in kitchen. The result: yet very few can actually do it successfully. how long would it have taken to get one reverberating bangs around my room (and After a random page turn and a bit of closed-eye pointing to the page, we find ourselves from somewhere else? “Soon”?! it’s not me, honest…)! with swankpot, meaning a person who behaves with swank (and not a person who performs chris ‘funkyberry’ hunter ‘ickle sarah butterworth with Hilary Swank, because, considering her last film, that would be Al Pacino). So to

qualify as a swankpot, you need to be someone who is ostentatiously smart or showy. I

Extreme – “more than words” (is numbers) (is words” than “more – Extreme

me” (by telling me) 8. The Beatles – “yesterday” (is the day before today) 9. Queen – “we will rock you” (until you feel sick) 10. 10. sick) feel you (until you” rock will “we – Queen 9. today) before day the (is “yesterday” – Beatles The 8. me) telling (by me” remember being by a swimming pool in France when this woman once described a fellow

the world (tribute)” (maybe) 6. Red Hot Chilli Peppers – “under the bridge” (over the road) 7. Nickelback – “how you remind remind you “how – Nickelback 7. road) the (over bridge” the “under – Peppers Chilli Hot Red 6. (maybe) (tribute)” world the holidaymaker as an “ostentatious swimmer”. Quite how she could defend this, whilst sit- Tenacious D – “the greatest song in in song greatest “the – D Tenacious

being the last to know) 4. Led Zeppelin – “stairway to heaven” (escalator to beelzebub) 5. 5. beelzebub) to (escalator heaven” to “stairway – Zeppelin Led 4. know) to last the being ting there with her “considerably richer than you”, gold-chain wearing, Queen of the Castle in hell) 2. The Eagles - “hotel california” (blackpool b&b) 3. Aerosmith – “i don’t want to miss a thing” (because i’m sick of of sick i’m (because thing” a miss to want don’t “i – Aerosmith 3. b&b) (blackpool california” “hotel - Eagles The 2. hell) in

: 1. Eric Clapton - “tears in heaven” (cuddles (cuddles heaven” in “tears - Clapton Eric 1. : Quiz Lyrics

certain | 19. trireme | 21. aspect | 22. white | 23. endue | 25. biped biped 25. | endue 23. | white 22. | aspect 21. | trireme 19. | certain (with belly to match) look, LATW still ponders, but likes the word swankpot nonetheless.

1. mimosas | 2. ruler | 3. yashmak | 4. naples | 5. ingot | 6. hostile | 7. drove | 12. neat | 14. pert | 16. recline | 18. 18. | recline 16. | pert 14. | neat 12. | drove 7. | hostile 6. | ingot 5. | naples 4. | yashmak 3. | ruler 2. | mimosas 1. down:

29. nudge nudge 29. In a funny way, a swankpot is what I secretly hoped to be when running from those half- | 10. strum | 11. entwine | 13. apse | 15. shrike | 17. accent | 20. rate | 22. wickets | 24. rabbi | 26. ivied | 27. example | 28. element | | element 28. | example 27. | ivied 26. | rabbi 24. | wickets 22. | rate 20. | accent 17. | shrike 15. | apse 13. | entwine 11. | strum 10. |

1. marry | 4. neighed | 8. milksop | 9. gusto gusto 9. | milksop 8. | neighed 4. | marry 1. across: | merry 1. across: oral | 11. allocate | 12. approximately | 15. straight | 17. opus opus 17. | straight 15. | approximately 12. | allocate 11. | oral bricks mentioned earlier: the premise of walking into a bar, every girl swooning and every

1. shore | 4. tall | 8. minicab | 9. peach | 10. 10. | peach 9. | minicab 8. | tall 4. | shore 1. across: : Xword . d]. : £1m [ d]; : £500k [ d]; : £250k [ a]; : £125k [ a]; : £64k [ a]; : £32k

[ guy nodding a congratulatory nod was the Holy Grail of a post-pubescent, lanky, spotty

: a]; : £16k [ d]; : £8k [ a]; : £4k [ d]; : £2k [ d]; : £1k [ d]; : £500 [ c]; : £300 [ d]; : £200 [ b]; : £100 :[

WWTBEAM teeneager. Fortunately, though, I have had my Road to Damascus moment since and am Upside-Down Answers Upside-Down therefore happy sitting where I am, happily redacting away. Cheers and good health.

Luckily for us, maybe not so luckily for all of you, the why would these unlikely suspects need chocolate spread in news is still flooding into the surrey scoop headquarters. the surrey scoop their bedside table we wonder? With so many of you e-mailing in your gossip and our team bus ride to campus and back again every day and using the Last week a rather large Union doorman was spotted of on-the-ground investigators rapidly growing were are time to flirt with just about any young lady who is brave walking around campus very depressed due to his recent discovering more and more of what has been happening out enough to sit near him. Don’t worry, one day all this work break-up with an ex-student. That was until he found there- and that means we can expose more and more of the will pay off! consolation in the form of a ‘rebound shag’ with a rather truth. It seems that two members of the ski team who have small member of bar staff. Well, it was a bit of a massive During Chancellors Challenge last week a final year recently shacked up together in their own love-den in turn-around in such a short space of time wasn’t it? physics student and barefacts article writer’s long-kept The Oval have some deep dark secrets which until now Yes, we did see you! And you thought you’d got away secret was exposed. It seems that for the past 3 years he remained in the privacy of their bedroom. An undercover with it didn’t you? You thought noone was going to find has been running away from a name which he thought he investigator discovered that the contents of their bedside out what you did last week! Well now everyone is going to had left at school. We think that for keeping this to yourself table largely consisted of jars of chocolate spread. Now find out! Yes we’re talking about you, the gentleman from for so long and lying as to your true identity we should let words: a nonny mouse Surrey court who, when his girlfriend went home early, everyone know what you should be known as from now took two very intoxicated young ladies back to your room, on! It was revealed that throughout his school career he was none of you emerging for at least 3 hours. The poor guy called ‘Bernard Manning’. How could you not have told downstairs couldn’t possibly get to sleep with the noises everyone sooner? that were coming out of your room! Forget dating agencies and adverts in newspapers, the new If you see something going on which should not be going way to find your perfect partner is clearly the Hazel Farm gossip un-reported please let us know by e-mailing thesurreyscoo bus! A certain young man has been making the most of the [email protected]. We’ll be watching you all! 26 PERSONALS 24 October 2002

i think a congratulatory word is in form!- bring on Solley after christmas! Jusin! Stop biting my kneck!!! top floor of Senate House order for everyone who has contributed a personal over the last few weeks for You drop that wok again + I’ll fuckin Maureen! Get your self a job you lazy Left your gloves behind SexGod? Should finally we have reached the target of one kill ya! bum!!! have just used marigolds mate whole page of personals. it has been a bit of a slog, but we’ve made it there in Rampant rabbit sales due to soar after Yes....I am aware that you know where Rich, you may have won the first round the. a big pat on the back to everyone tonight?? I live! but Sarah will come through for (not a cow-pat mind: bom bom) and all us in the final!! that is left to say is keep ‘em comin’ and Oi! Pegleg Matt! Stop drinking wine BJ. Vladimir called and said the dove remember that [email protected] and eating crepes for a second and go to flies high above the setting sun. Any A vibrating toothbrush?! You’re with the subject matter “personals” is lectures... I talked to your tutor and he’s ideas??? supposed to wait til Ann Summers the coolest e-mail to be sending these not impressed! –Phil tonight!! days. all that is left to say is... Hmmmmm java is the answer rrrrrrrip would the big randy squirrels on the Nurse Sam, you are get up! ground floor please pipe down a bit, Malibu. Have you thaught of entering just listen to the boggs and rejoice some of us need sleep! Dance Idol?? To the life of Joe ‘Chungo’ Herbert i think i was a little harsh to her but she Holloway. Rest in peace my tutor of Bashful - Once again you’ve saved my Mabs, it appears that you have a small deserved it madness! You will not be forgotten. All neck, thank you so much for the help following! Well.. the morris dancing my love, Duncan Wilson. with my essay you are a star. (Have I crew anyway!?! please do not ask to borrow my hat mentioned you have a nice arse!) xxx or any other article of clothing i am Amy, if you put in 750ml to a cake mix Look, look..... I’ve told you all before, wearing because i would rather it wasn’t that needed 75ml… can I borrow £7.50 can i just set some ground rules? I’m drinking to absent friends. Now if passed on to another person. please please?! I have lots of absent friends then I have respect other people’s property hideous, hideous, hideous to drink a lot, that’s just the way it is. Rawson 3 Mummy and Daddy give a Right! snogs away for someone we know... shout out to all our children to the girl who lives in battersea court: look out for your admirer - he’s a jolly Minty! what would you say if i told you so then Mr Jackson, how the bloody hell Craig, how’s Lauren’s pants? nice chap. that mint source made you infetrtile!! are you?

Lauren, your not even at this University, surely you should be setting an example? Personals hey dr - doing a PhD so that you can and you are still in our student paper! well yes - if i don’t wear toga then i am become, well, Drrrrrrr. setting the example of paying a pound amelia - you’re loverrrrrly: you can Jo & Lissia didn’t want me to put a more. capiche? hand me a leaflet any time. could you put no-wave on the ents Barefacts personal in about them… so planner please? I won’t write anything about them… Im a scatt man, bee bop bop bop bopda! Wanted: Clothes for hockey girl. Bless! Anything goes, especially when maybe we could see something other Take me to your nucleus!!! DRINKen! than error messages on them L. Wilko, good luck with CIT!! HALLOWEEN PARTY on 31st Wanted: Some decent puns (see above!) wanted: work for placement student, to Little Fishy.....Swimming along....Saw a October!! Fancy dress!!. Organised stop him living a student life. it not fair hook.... by Cathedral and Guildford Court Minty. have you had women in 27 Committee- see posters for details. different countries too?? Just a coupe of personals, Tim may SM, you’re very “nutritious”. love, NJ. repeat them so beware SM, you’re very “nutritious”. love, NJ. Perhaps you should pay me to write Can I just change the subject quickly? the personals. Oh....that’s what my To the man with a now red toga, I am so I forgot to wear a belt this morning and so exactly how many mp3’s should we placement do!!!! sorry now these trousers won’t stay up! have gorgeous? I am BJ’s complete lack of employment. Naked three man is only for tour. Naked Text The J-Team about anything, well, i wouldn’t like to risk it on 3 bottles 21’s however can be done anywhere, anytime: 0773 288 53 57 of whisky So do you come here often? Well every even in House 65 Uni Court day actually (doh!) Well, at least the second lovebite should make sure you lock your valuables up in Dressing like Beckham is a fineable be easy to cover up!!!! the boot JMTW (c) Balckpool 2002. Ave it! offence

What are you gonna go to the gym in warning - ex cricket captain posing as MI Dole! Viola and not shaving doesn’t work.... now I’ve got my zip-top back? badminton player, can regularly be seen viola and shaving doesn’t work... then frequenting joints such as cindy’s Sorry BJ..... I did forget last week so I again, violas don’t work anyway!!!!” Dave- you’ve still not told us how big the have to make up for it this week! pole dancer’s tits were? jay’s mum is the tour whore So, I have fans in high places, eh? Pay day on friday. Carnage!!!!!!! Naughty fresher snogging a yankee in TRY THIS!! Put mint source shower Rawson 2 - the ideal setting for a town?? (don’t worry- you’re secret’s gell on your balls and feel the tingle. To our neighbours. Yes we do have an romantic date! ;o) safe!) Record currently stands at 4 minutes - extremeley poor/random taste in music. well done ben!!! Just accept it! Remote control car race, Battersea You’ve the cutest ass ever!! Court Hill - tomorrow night? It’s a date! mrs brander We’re all going to the dogs (no jokes Anyone thought about not booking out Knickers!) Neil: “But I didn’t have anyone in 90% of AP for the whole working day?- Darius for King!!!!!! my room last night... maybe you were gimps I’d just like to praise the attitude of the hearing those two all the way down the 3 times in 1 night Nat - very senior memebers of my club (yes it is corridor?!” Does Clive want some petrochemical impressive!!! more fun watching trampolening) advice in the near future? Oi, leave Kat’s nose hair alone! Where’s your red toga gone? Hop On! Which bloke is it this week Lisa?. You’re 1 roast dinner, 9 bottles of wine, and little black book is bigger than my I love Belinda Carlisle!!!! Nipple leaf? Honestly Flash, what will 5 students... sorry, 6.... hang on.... 7... thesis!! you think of next! where will it stop? Seems the Roast Nice muff Hannah! Dinner Soc idea is actually catching on! Nice to see the caged tiger back on Man seeks Toga Queen for ugleness on 24 October 2002 SPORT 27 This week at UniSport Optimum injury clinic

Tango Workshop | Sunday 27th October | 2 – 6pm Well it is injury season already! It surprises me how few of You may have seen Antonio Banderas lead Madonna around the floor in Evita or Al Pacino you sports mad peeps don’t use ‘RICE’ the golden rule after show off his moves in Scent of a Woman well now here is your chance to impress your any injury no matter how small! friends with this sexy dance. Learn the Tango in a 4 hour workshop this Sunday. Students Rest immediately! DO NOT play on after acute trauma to get a discounted rate at £15 Contact the Sport Centre for more details and bookings: Tel. any injury 68(9201) Ice! Always use Ice to reduce local swelling and turn oxygenated blood away from the area (if you do not have ice Class Profile: Modern Jive available then use water from water bottle) This weekly class is easy to learn and quick to build on the basic movements. A structured Compression! Use a Bandage or rugby/footie shirt or any yet informal class guaranteed to have you dancing by the first lesson. A fun energetic social piece of material to use as a ‘compression’ on top of the dance and no partners are required. ice. Day: Tuesday | Time: I – 7.30 – 8.30pm | II – 8.30 – 9.30pm | Venue: Studio Elevation! Once the above have been sorted then raise the Teachers: Jane & David | Cost: Students - £2; Staff - £3; Public - £4; Cardholders – Free, ankle/leg/knee injury up so as this will again send the blood away from the area which will aid in reducing the swelling University Sports Leagues Update Continual exercise can cause many problems especially if All the entries are in and after putting the start date back to Monday 28th October, the the body receives inadequate rest. By-products of exercise USL are ready for another term of action. Those of you involved will be sent fixtures include the build up of lactic acid and continual micro- shortly which will also be posted on the USL notice board at the sports centre. If you are trauma of muscle fibres causing a build up of scar tissue, still interested in taking part it’s not too late. Get hold of your department rep or come to therefore decreasing the bodies ability to deliver oxygenated UniSPORT and we can get you playing in one of the many different sports on offer. These blood to the muscles, which in turn causes fatigue and loss tournaments, although advertised as fun, have proved to be extremely competitive in the of performance. The body is still being asked to perform at past. So make sure you get as many people down to the sports centre to cheer on your a required level, if it is not fit to do so, it will increase the department, court or team and create the atmosphere that these games deserve. risk of injury or re-injury. Sports massage will break down Remember these games are free to UniSPORT cardholders, 50p for student non- any build up of scar tissue realign all muscle fibres and cardholders and 75p for staff per week. Lets get it on! increase the elasticity of the muscle. In effect the muscle will be clear of all ‘crap’ (technical term in the world of Spaces Available sports massage!) making the whole system more efficient. This term has seen most of our courses full to the max, so much so that we have had to More blood, therefore oxygen can get to the working muscle put on extra courses. If you have missed out there are still some places available on the meaning it will perform for longer at a higher level and will following courses: drastically reduce the risk of injury. [ Pilates | Tuesday 4.30pm ] [ Squash Beginners | Tuesday 5.30pm ] [ Yoga | Please contact us at OPTIMUM tel. 01483 452028 or email Wednesday 8pm ] [ Feldencrais | Thursday 1pm ] [ Creative Dance | Friday 6.30pm ] [email protected] if you need any help.

ALMOST ACCURATE ASTROLOGY Scorpio words and predicting: ‘ickle sarah butterworth appearance on Sunday, and you should think Anticipation has been building all twice about taking up a seemingly tempting week, and the coming weekend You’re worrying too much about what people think of offer. Everything is not as it seems. Also, will live up to all your expectations. Play it cool and you you – be careful not to do yourself more harm than good. that 9am lecture is really worth going to, if only to stop the might just find exactly what you’ve been looking for. Make sure you spend enough time with your close friends; rumours! Steer away from white wine and John Smiths (you know you don’t want to loose them. Friday night will give you a the effect they have on you all too well) but make sure clearer view on an important situation. Leo you employ that partying streak you’ve been cultivating Good to see you’ve been calming yourself down recently. Enjoy! Aries a little recently – it’s never good to run yourself This week hasn’t been easy, but don’t let it get into the ground before we’re even half way Sagittarius you down too much – from tonight life will through the semester. Probably best to steer away from Your exploits from Freshers’ Week will finally definitely be taking an upward turn. Make sure excessive Java consumption on Friday – we don’t want a be catching up with you this week. Don’t think you’re at the Ann Summers Party/Disco - there’s nothing repeat of the Toga Party’s little incident. Towards the end those security cameras weren’t watching you – this isn’t the like a bit of good clean fun to cheer you up! This weekend of the week the ants will make another appearance, and last you’ll hear of that incident by the lake. There’s more to an unusual outing will bring you good fortune – and a beware of kleptomaniacs – they’re having a bad influence your mysterious housemate than meets the eye, and things Saturday night to be remembered. on you. you never even considered will become clearer by the end of the week. But remember, stay away from the ducks Taurus Virgo Not actually opening you curtains all last You may be feeling like you’re banging your Capricorn weekend doesn’t make for the most productive head against a brick wall at the moment - it No matter how much you try to convince two days ever, does it? You’re taking the hurts, trust me – but never fear, after an inspiring yourself, locking yourself in your room with meaning of chilling out to a new level! Provided you moment on Monday everything will seem clear again. You the music on at top volume does not constitute stay on the sober side, you should discover an exciting will walk round campus for the next four days with a giddy doing work! You’re going to need to pull your socks up revelation on Friday night, but take care not to push things smile on your face, cheerfully greeting everyone you know, a bit, or else you’ll find yourself in a bit of a mess come too far during the weekend. And don’t believe everything and some whom you don’t. Never mind, it won’t last too November. And that shopping trolley really should be you hear…. or read…. long…. returned to its rightful home before too many more people notice – don’t want you getting a reputation! Gemini Libra The movement of Pluto into your opposite As Mercury approaches Pluto this week, your Aquarius sign of Sagittarius this week is causing no enthusiasm is going from strength to strength. Things have been going pretty swimmingly small amount of upheaval in your life – many But remember, while it may be alright to go recently, but you need to get your head out good things will come to light this week, but watch out for to the Union a three or four a week, spending all day and of the clouds for a moment and sort out those those problems lurking in a dark corner, waiting to strike. night in there is not healthy – in fact, it’s bordering on the issues you’ve been putting off. You’ll feel a lot better once Never leave home without your light sabre. It is your most obsessive. Make sure you take some time out to familiarise you know where you stand. Follow the sound of the ducks, powerful weapon… yourself with the real world – it does exist! they’re the wisest of all creatures. Cancer Pisces I know you like to be in charge, but remember Remember: all of our astrologers are accredited by the With the problems from last week now in the to take a back seat occasionally – it’s all about Society of Fake Astrology (SOFA) - your future isn’t safe in past, give yourself some time to clear your head. delegation! An old friend will make a surprise their hands at all... 28 24 October 2002 SURREY PRIDE Surrey Pride just about intact after King’s ski races

Saturday the 19th saw around 80 racers from By Chris Hunter different Universities in the South East region of the Kings Ski Club race series. able to be claimed by members of the ski We had 2 mixed teams, and a ladies team. club committee?) and some cheap peach The weather was really quite cold, but alcohol stuff. The team that won the boarding this helped freeze slightly the water they were rather insulted to find that their bottle sprayed onto the matting, meaning we could of alcohol stuff had only 1%VOL, but their ski faster. mixed ski team (who came about 10th) got The theme this time was Emergency a bottle with a whopping 4%VOL!! No Services, with one team turning up dressed expense spared! The ladies team did quite up as all the characters from Thunderbirds. well, and achieved about 3rd out of about The racing got underway, and Surrey 1 were 7 teams. doing better than Surrey 2. The racing this For some of our team, it was the first time year seemed more fair than last year, with they have raced. They did really well, and far fewer teams having ex-England ski I know that Surrey 2 will be on Surrey squad, or just generally really really good 1’s heels soon! The next race’s theme is skiers in. The Romans, so does anyone know where Even so, Surrey 2 managed to come 18th we can get a lion costume from? Oh, and out of the 18 teams, thus winning the much finally… watch out for our Race Captain coveted Wooden Spoon award. Surrey 1 Andy at the Union fruit market, as he seems faired slightly better, and came 6th – winning to have developed a rather disturbing love a tee shirt (that for some reason is only ever of cabbages! Left: the University of Surrey ski team and right: a couple of folks whizzing down the dry ski slope last Monday.

Mixed fortune for netball teams Women’s football slump to defeat After our performance By Nat Tarrant We had several goal This week saw the first BUSA and SESA By Beth last week, we were mouth scrambles matches played for the new netball season. expecting to come Roehampton Institute 8 that were cleared off While the firsts traveled away to St George’s St Georges 30 away with a result. University of Surrey 0 the line. in London, the seconds and thirds stayed University of Surrey 1st 22 However it was clear We went in at half at the Varsity to play Sussex and the Law after 10 minutes that time four nil down. College respectively. we were up against a very experienced team. A couple of substitutions were made and University of Surrey 2nd 21 For a change, the away match for the They were passing well and were always we were determined to get some goals back. Sussex 40 firsts did not result in the team ending up first to every ball. Their forwards were very However they never came! Collette was the in a completely different place to where the quick and managed to break through the only person who came close with a shot match was to be played - we actually got University of Surrey 3rd 61 defence to score two excellent goals. Goalie tipped over the bar. there early! Unfortunately there was a slight Law College 28 Rach had no chance! Superb performances by Linda, Steph hitch… As our very old and very battered We eventually settled down and managed and Tilly Nat but player of the match netball locker would not open (despite BBF to keep them at two nil. We even looked went to Collette for her commitment and doing all but throwing it down the Unisport St George’s claimed the game 30-22. An like scoring when my free kick was tipped determination. Highlights of the match were stairs), we had to travel to the match with appeal is to be made against St George’s and over the bar from 25 yards out. I was also D falling over in the middle of nowhere and no bibs, no skirts and no balls. We finally their lack of qualified umpires! The firsts are unlucky not to score direct from a corner. a comical display by the ref. managed to get down and play some netball very much looking forward to the rematch after borrowing some skirts and bibs from on home turf with qualified umpires! St George’s! The first quarter saw a close The seconds played Sussex University at The thirds were the only team to register result with St George’s just pulling ahead the Varsity. Due to problems with lectures a win this week, and a very good one at by 3 goals. Surrey firsts soon pulled their being timetabled for a Wednesday afternoon that! Luckily by the time the thirds came game back in the second quarter with some we were grateful for those players who to play, at 3:30pm, many more players were excellent defense by Vacant, Monica and managed to get there for two o’clock. available. The team worked well together to BBF. Stripper and Pussy played well in Unfortunately the Sussex team was one pull away right from the start. All players on the circle together and put some goals up, of a very high standard and the seconds court battled consistently to move the ball bringing the score line even. In the third played hard but could not stop the excellent up the court and the shooters just did not quarter, the firsts battled hard against some attacking players. The team did well to miss a shot. Maybe the thirds can show the awful umpiring decisions and kept a win notch up 21 goals, not letting Sussex BUSA teams a thing or two! within their reach. Frustration began to get completely run away with the game. Well Netball training is on a Monday night 6: the better of them in the fourth quarter as the done girls and hopefully the timetables will 15-8pm in the sports hall on campus. New umpiring became something of a joke and get sorted for us! players are welcomed at any time!