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Grief & Bereavement Guide for Bishops Dear Bishop,

We hope this information will assist you as you serve ward members who are grieving because of the loss of a loved one. This guide has been published to complement the grieving- process materials printed by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and to serve as an easy reference for you and your counselors.

The staff of Memorial Mortuaries and is committed to assist you in creating a reverent and spiritual experience for the family. It is our honor to be supportive to you and to the people who seek solace and comfort during a mournful time. If we can be of any further assistance, please let us know. May God bless you in your role as bishop, and may God bless the members of your ward.

Respectfully yours,

The Staff of Memorial Mortuaries and Cemeteries

CONTENTS

1 ~ A Time for Reverance

2 What is My Role as Bishop

3 How to React to Grieving Ward Members

5 Talking to Children

6 What is the Role of Ward Members

7 Types of Services

8 Funeral Arrangements

8 Planning the Funeral

9 Conducting Funeral Services

11 Conducting Graveside Servies

11 Support and Bereavement Services

13 Scriptural References Funerals ~ A Time for Reverence

“One of the most solemn and sacred meetings of the Church is the funeral for a departed member. It is a time to soberly contemplate doctrines of the gospel and the purposes for the ministry of the Lord Jesus Christ.

“Except where is prohibited by law, we are counseled to bury our dead. There are important symbolic references to burial in the ordinance of baptism and elsewhere in the doctrines of the Church.

“A comforting, spiritual funeral is of great importance. It helps console the bereaved and establishes a transition from to the reality that we must move forward with life. Whether is expected or a sudden shock, an inspirational funeral where the doctrines of , the mediation of Christ, and certainly of life after death are taught strengthens those who must now move on with life.

“Many attend funerals who do not come to church regularly. The come subdued in spirit and are teachable. How sad when an opportunity for conversion is lost because a funeral is less than it might have been.”

~President Boyd K. Packer Ensign/November 1988

1 What is My Role as Bishop?

“Bishops always show tender regard for the family of the deceased, and insofar as their requests accord with established policy, they may willingly be met.” ~ President Boyd K. Packer

When dealing with the death of a loved one, people often reassess their religious convictions. They will seek answers to difficult questions and a bishop will become a key figure in their search. As a leader, you should be prepared to answer difficult questions, give advice, and help with the special needs created by the loss. This is a great time to review religious values and find comfort in spiritual wisdom.

1. Show concern. This will let the family know you care for them and are mindful of their situation.

2. Offer spiritual assistance such as prayers and blessings. Also, have an open ear and allow the family to express their grief and concerns.

3. Arrange for others from your ward to visit and give support.

4. Review with the family the plan of salvation.

5. Refer the family to proper books or literature dealing with death and overcoming grief.

6. Assist the family’s funeral planning. Other assistance you may consider is care of the flowers, home-sitting, meal assistance, phone answering, baby-sitting, yard care, financial and insurance counseling.

7. If the family has out-of-town relatives or friends, offer to arrange for drivers to meet them at the airport. You may also assist in finding places for the guests to stay.

8. While the funeral ceremony takes place in one moment in time, the grieving process takes place over many moments in time. Holidays, special days, family events—times that will affect the family for years. Reach out to bereaving families throughout the year and subsequent years.

9. Giving a eulogy is an important step in the family’s transition of having a physical relationship with a loved one to having only memories of a loved one. A meaningful eulogy helps mourners embrace the memories of the past and opens the future to new experiences. A eulogy should help families share memories and honor the person’s life.

10. Listen to the family. You should have a desire to listen to the family. Any hint of superficiality on your part, from body language to speech, will harm your chance to help a family. Be committed to listening when you attend to the family. Clear your 2 schedule, cancel appointments, and forget about taking phone calls. Your complete attention should be on assisting the mourning family. Finally, be patient. Don’t be in a hurry to take care of things. Let the family express themselves at their pace.

Additional helpful information

At the time of death, it is not required that a doctor be present. He will later be requested to discern the and sign the . The funeral home will arrange for this with the doctor. The state becomes involved if the doctor does not indicate the cause of death or if the doctor has not seen the deceased within 30 days. of a suspicious nature are also under the jurisdiction of the medical examiner.

A family can pre-arrange both financial and technical matters including pre-payment of merchandise and services. Planning ahead is a proven method for reducing stress at an emotional time. However, caution should be exercised when deciding upon a pre-arranged funeral. Numerous plans exist: some are excellent and some insufficient. Families should feel confident in what they choose knowing that the pre-arrangement program will fulfill all their financial and emotional needs.

How to React to Grieving Ward Members

Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. ~ Isaiah 41:10

Reacting to grieving members is difficult. What should you say to a person grieving? What should you not say? What should you do or not do? As a religious leader, people will look to you for guidance.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross has said that bereaved people are our teachers of grief. We need to allow them to teach us about their grief experience rather than develop a set of goals and expectations that we believe the bereaved should meet. The only expert on a person’s grief is the person undergoing the grieving process. We may have a general framework for grief developed by Kubler-Ross, but grief is a highly-individualized process and people will progress at their own pace. Let’s explore some ideas.

Listen in a supportive manner

1. Eye contact and facial expression: • Make eye contact. • Show you care through facial gestures. • Avoid gestures that hide your face. 3 2. Body language: • Be attentive and relaxed. • Face the person who is speaking. • Sit on the same level. • Create an open body posture: legs and arms uncrossed, body upright and centered.

3. Vocal style: • Use a natural vocal style. • Speak in a relaxed, warm manner.

4. Verbal following: • Stay on topic. Don’t switch topics or interrupt. Take your cues from the grieving individual. • Give the time the person needs. Don’t rush to respond. • It’s ok to have a pause of silence. • Speak in a supportive manner

Speak in a supportive manner

1. Use open questions: • These questions are useful to aid the individual in exploring feelings and thoughts. • Begin questions with “How,” “What,” or “Could.” • Avoid “Why” questions. • Examples: a. How do you feel about the situation? b. What are some things that trouble you most? c. Could you tell me how you feel?

2. Use paraphrasing: • Encourages more in-depth discussion. • Focus on using key words then say back to the person the most significant things that are said to you. • Example: “I have been having a terrible time sleeping at night. I keep waking up thinking he’s next to me and he’s not. In the morning, I can’t concentrate because I keep waiting for him to walk into the kitchen and sit down for breakfast. At work, I lose track of what I should be doing because I stare at the phone hoping he’ll call me.” • Example paraphrase: “It must be terribly hard to sleep at night without him and that can create a difficult morning for you. His daily phone calls must have meant a great deal to you. I can tell, he was a great man.”

3. Reflected feelings: • A feeling must be named. You may do this through the actual words expressed by the individual or through observation of non-verbal communication. • Start with: “You seem to feel…,” “Sounds like you feel…,” “I sense you are feeling…,” Then ask: “Is that close?” or “Is that right?” 4 • Examples: a. Sounds like you are angry. b. You feel very discouraged right now. c. I sense some feelings of confusion. d. You are feeling really sad at the moment.

Non-supportive behaviors

1. Verbal behaviors: • Responding too quickly • Changing the subject • Talking too much about yourself • Asking “Why” questions • Placating, lecturing • Over-interpreting • Asking too many questions • Interrupting silence

2. Non-verbal behaviors: • Rigid, severe posture • Taking notes • Clock watching • Letting your gaze wander

Talking to Children

“The Lord takes many away even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of the present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again.” ~Joseph Smith, Jr.

This can be the hardest act as the religious leader. As adults, we know about death and the terminology associated with death and funerals. Children, though, may not have an understanding of death and may be confused by the terminology and rituals of funeral services. Here are some helpful hints for talking to children.

1. Don’t use euphemisms to shelter children from the reality of death. Don’t confuse children with statements like, “He went to sleep” or “She is resting now.” These statements can be misleading for children. 2. Use simple, concrete language. Children are very literal. They will believe whatever adults tell them. How many times do you hear people say, “Nah, I’m just kidding” to children? Don’t use abstract or complex words and phrases. 5 3. Don’t over-explain. Children need developmentally-appropriate explanations about death. They don’t need complex details that will confuse and cause misunderstandings. Let the child ask questions, and let those questions be a guide for you when talking about death.

4. Show them. This is up to the family, but children often don’t understand something until they can see it, so showing children the funeral home, the caskets, or the grave may be an important step in understanding and not in harming.

5. Discuss spiritual matters. This is an important time to convey spiritual values about life and death.

Remember, a funeral experience should be a positive and healing experience for everyone—adults and children. As a religious leader, mourning family members will look to you for explanations about death, for guidance in the time to come, and for support and comfort.

What is the Role of Ward Members?

“We believe that due respect ought to be had to the memory of the dead, and the feelings of both friends and children.” ~Joseph Smith, Jr.

The emotional trauma experienced by a family in mourning is intense and unique. The mourning family goes through a wide range of strong emotions, and during this time ward members need to exhibit great forbearance and empathy. Ward members should comprehend that they are dealing with dear friends in extraordinary circumstances, and for a period of time the normal routines and normal behaviors of those friends will be disrupted. Know that the behaviors you and ward members are seeing from the bereaved family are a natural part of the grief cycle: denial, anger, confusion, sorrow, and acceptance.

Generally, denial is the first emotion expressed by the family or by members of the family. It is hard for the family to believe that a beloved person has moved on from this Earth, and that person will no longer be with them. Accepting the loss of a loved one is a difficult and somber act.

After denial, anger and confusion set in. The people suffering from their loss cannot understand why their loved one left them or why God has taken their loved one. The bereaved will be angry at the deceased or angry at God. As members of the Church, we may have a greater understanding of celestial matters, but that does not make such temporal losses easy to accept. At this time of anger and confusion, it is vital that ward members be there to give support and provide comfort and solace. Finally, sorrow will occur, acceptance will happen.

The support the family receives from ward members, from the bishop and his counselors, from home and visiting teachers, and from neighbors and friends is a key to the family’s healthy recovery from grief. Contacting a grieving family to offer support is appropriate and is what the 6 family needs. Contact with ward members after a tragedy gives the family a sense of community and belonging to a larger, loving group.

Ward members should not be afraid to talk about the deceased and share memories with the family. Talking to the family about the deceased reassures the family that the deceased is not forgotten and was well loved. Many times, simply listening and being there are exactly what the family needs. Don’t feel the need to direct or dominate conversation. Sometimes just the mere presence of a friend, neighbor, or religious leader is all that is needed. Tell the grieving person that you’re sorry for their loss, that you care, and that you love them. A hug, a kiss, a squeeze of the hand—simple actions that can provide needed comfort.

Members who want to aid friends may feel some apprehension about what to do and how much to do. How much to do will depend on each ward member. Some people will be able to give greatly while others may not feel comfortable with too much contact due to personal circumstances.

All ward members can provide valuable support during difficult times to assist in preparing the chapel for funeral services: cleaning the building and parking lot, setting up chairs, being present to assist the funeral directors with lights, stands, and other set-up activities. Any amount of support is valuable to a family in grief.

Types of Funeral Services

“When men are prepared, they are better off to go hence...The spirits of the just are exalted to a greater and more glorious work; hence they are blessed in their departure to the world of spirits. Enveloped in flaming fire, they are not far from us, and know and understand our thoughts, feelings and emotions…” ~Joseph Smith, Jr.

Traditional Funeral Service

This service is held at the mortuary or church. Viewings are held the night before and the day of the service.

Graveside Service

This is a short service held at the and does not use the chapel or church. Viewings are usually held the night before or the day of the service.

Cremation

A may follow a full traditional service. Cremated remains are then scattered, buried, or placed in a niche.

7 Direct Burial

The deceased is buried immediately after death. Usually no viewing or services are involved. Due to Utah law, this type of burial cannot occur until the attending physical or medical examiner has signed a death certificate.

Memorial Service

This is a service without the body of the deceased present. This service is commonly chosen when a direct cremation has occurred and can be held in a church, house, recreation center or any other place chosen by the family.

Funeral Arrangements

Mortuary Notification

At the time of death, the mortuary should be immediately notified by the family members or by the staff of the facility where the death occurred.

Arrangement Process

Upon receiving a death notification, a funeral arrangement consultation is scheduled. Family members meet with a funeral arranger who assists the family in making funeral and merchandise selections including scheduling the date and time of the service. The ideal time for services is between 10:00 a.m. and 2:00 p.m. If the burial is out of town, it is appropriate for box lunches to be made for the immediate family.

After the funeral arrangement consultation, you may wish to consult with the family about the order of the service and any additional family requests. Some common requests are for tables and easels to be set up for photos and memorabilia or a tv/vcr or DVD player.

Planning the Funeral

“With respect to speaking, it should be kept in mind that funeral services provide an excellent opportunity for teaching the basic doctrines...In a positive manner... Following these suggestions will help to keep our services in line with our established pattern and will avoid practices now so commonly followed elsewhere.” ~Priesthood Bulletin, April 1972

It is requested that all funerals conducted under the auspices of the officials of the Church follow the general format of the sacrament meeting with respect to music, speaking, and prayers. Music is used at the beginning of the service prior to the opening prayer, and possibly after the invocation, as in our Sunday meetings. The closing portion of the funeral follows the customary 8 pattern of having a final musical number before the concluding prayer. Where feasible, a choir could very well be used in the musical program.

It is appropriate for the bishop to gather with the family either in their home or at the church to develop the funeral program. The bishop may need to contact the program participants (the organist, chorister, etc…) to ease the burden of family members. It is the bishop’s responsibility to make sure the building is open and set up on the day of the service.

Conducting Funeral Services

“With the changes in the meetinghouse custodial program, Priesthood leaders are now responsible for preparing chapels for funerals. It is important to have meetinghouses open and available to funeral directors well in advance (one hour) of the scheduled time for viewings and funerals. The facilities need to be clean and brought to appropriate temperature and light levels. Sound systems should be activated and tested. Overflow chairs may need to be set up and arranged. At a time when feelings are very sensitive, a well prepared meetinghouse may be a source of comfort and consolation to surviving family members.” ~ Bulletin, 1991-2

If the service were to begin at 11:00 a.m., the following schedule would be a suitable format to follow:

9:20 a.m. Arrive and coordinate the service with the . Important considerations during this time are: when to begin the family prayer, proper names and pronunciation and the building preparations.

10:40 a.m. Be in the viewing area prepared to begin the family prayer.

10:45 a.m. Be positioned in the center of the room towards the middle of the casket and ask the family to gather near the casket in preparation for the family prayer. It is essential to have the family prayer at this time to start the service as scheduled. Often a large viewing line occurs, and it is necessary to ask all those who are not family members to withdraw to the chapel. The funeral director can assist in dispersing the line of people.

“Prior to the family prayer it is appropriate to introduce yourself and the name of the person saying the family prayer. It is not appropriate to have talks or musical numbers before closing the casket.” ~ Boyd K. Packer, Nov. 1988

9 Following the prayer, the family is invited to step to the casket a final time prior to its closing. You or the funeral director can perform this invitation. As the family steps to the casket, move to the podium in the chapel and prepare for the procession.

Usually, the order of the procession is: director, casket, immediate family members, and extended family members. Once the casket enters the chapel, invite the congregation to stand. The funeral directors assist the family to their reserved seats at the front of the chapel. People should be seated and the service begun at 11:00 a.m. or a few minutes after. Once the family is seated, the congregation is welcomed and appreciation is expressed for their attendance. The opening prayer is announced and the service format is reviewed prior to or following the invocation.

“It is suggested that you participate in the service according to the family’s request. If asked to conduct, any remarks should be brief. “If family members do speak, and I repeat, it is not a requirement, they are under the same obligation to speak with reverence and to teach the principles of the gospel. Sometimes family members tell things that would be appropriate at a family reunion or at some other family gathering, but not on an occasion that should be sacred and solemn. While quite humor is not out of order in a funeral, it should be wisely introduced. It should be ever kept in mind that the funeral should be characterized by spirituality and reverence.” ~President Boyd K Packer, Nov. 1988

Final instructions and announcements are given prior to the final musical number or speaker. Some of the items you may wish to announce:

1. Names of the pallbearers.

2. If traveling in a cortege, you may wish to say, “The internment will be in the _____ cemetery. There will be no police escort. However, those wishing to go to the cemetery are invited to follow the funeral coach. Please turn on your headlights and travel slowly at a safe distance behind the car in front of you. Please obey all traffic signals and laws. The procession will travel slowly so that you will be able to catch up in the event you become separated.”

3. At times a cortege is unnecessary or impractical. Under these situations you may wish to say, “The interment will be in the _____ cemetery. There will be no police escort or cortege to the cemetery. Those wishing to go the cemetery will meet at ______(given time) at which time the graveside services will begin.”

At the conclusion of the service, the funeral directors enter and proceed to the front of the chapel. The congregation is asked to rise, the funeral directors give directions to the pallbearers to meet them outside, and the funeral directors take the casket outside. The family is invited to follow the casket. The congregation is excused once the family has exited the chapel. You may want to express appreciation for those in attendance. 10 “It is important to teach members of the family the sacredness that should accompany the funeral service. Special requests must be taken into thoughtful consideration. “However, there are limits to what may be done without disturbing the spirituality and causing it to be less than it might be. When innovations are suggested by family members, morticians, or others which are quite out of harmony with that agenda, the Bishop should gently persuade them to follow the established pattern.” ~President Boyd K. Packer, Ensign, Nov. 1998

Conducting Graveside Services

The head of the casket is placed at the west end of the grave. The service is usually conducted on the west end of the grave as well as the prayers and talks.

Those attending the graveside service are invited to gather close to the grave to hear the proceedings. You may express thanks to those attending and then announce the service format. A graveside service may simply be a dedicatory prayer or have several talks and musical numbers. It is a matter of choice by the family.

When the service is finished, appreciation is expressed. It is also beneficial to announce that it will take the cemetery approximately one and a half hours to complete the burial, following which the family and friends can again visit the grave. It is suitable to encourage those present to not linger so the cemetery personnel can complete the burial. You may also want to announce any lunches or gatherings for the family and friends.

Grief Support and Bereavement Services

Our commitment to serving our families extends beyond the funeral service and interment of a loved one. We know that dealing with the death of a loved one is a process that will go through many stages and will take much time to understand and then to heal. We want to offer you and your ward assistance during a time of mourning. Therefore, we have created a grief support and bereavement service that is available to all families whether the deceased was serviced by one of our funeral homes or serviced by another funeral home. Our goal is to establish a nurturing relationship with the family during critical times.

The third Wednesday of each month is the meeting time of our grief support group, which is open to the community and held at Memorial Mortuary in Murray. The class is free and you can join anytime. Notebooks and educational materials are free to all participants.

On the following pages, we have given you some valuable resources for you and your ward members.

11 Grief & Bereavement Support Groups St. Mark’s Hospital Catholic Community Services 1200 East 3900 South, SLC St. Vincent’s Catholic Church: Carol Lee: (801) 268-7141 1375 Spring Lane, SLC Frankie: (801) 278-5404 The Sharing Place 1695 East 3300 South, SLC IHC Urban Central Region Groups for children ages 3-16, and their families LDS Hospital, Cottonwood Hospital, Gaylynn: (801) 446-6730 and Alta View Hospital Helen Rollins: (801) 405-5661 A Center for Grieving 1708 East 5550 South, #18, South Ogden Jordan Family Education Center Groups address death, divorce, separation, 8449 South 150 West, Midvale foster care, and anticipatory grief (801) 565-7442 (801) 476-1127

Pet Bereavement Support Group Columbia Lakeview Hospital 211 East 300 South, #203, SLC Golden Years Senior Center: Elaine Winter: (801) 521-8551 726 South 100 East, Bountiful Jean Weinberger: (801) 299-2302 University of Utah’s Health Sciences Center, Caring Connections: A Hope and Comfort Ogden Regional Medical Center in Grief Program. 5475 South 500 East, Ogden 10 South 2000 East Front Street, SLC Sister Gloria: (801) 479-2047 Beth Cole: (801) 585-9612 Sherry Poulson: (801) 585-9522 Following a Death Due to Cancer or Aids AIDS Survivors Bereavement Support Columbia Lakeview Hospital Utah AIDS Foundation: Golden Years Senior Center: 1408 South 100 East, SLC 726 South 100 East, Bountiful Closed groups for HIV + people, grief support, Jean Weinberger: (801) 299-2302 family and one-on-one counseling available. (800) 366-2437 Client Services: (801) 487-2323 Intermountain Donor Services 230 South 500 East, #290, SLC Cancer Support Center Also one-on-one counseling for family St. Mark’s Hospital: members of organ and tissue donors 1200 East 3900 South, Suite 50, SLC Karen Hannahs: (801) 521-1755 Carol Lee: (801) 268-7141

Memorial Community Grief Support Group Cancer Wellness House 5850 South 900 East 59 South 1100 East, SLC. Murray, Utah 84021 Groups for people with cancer, Rosalind Fretz, family and friends of cancer survivors, Bereavement Coordinator and Chaplain and brain tumor support. (801) 268-4162 Tika Beard: (801) 236-2294 www.cancer-wellness.org 12 Support groups for adults who have Following a Death Due to Illness of a Child experienced AGAST: stillbirth, newborn death or miscarriage Alliance of Grandparents Against (801) 272-5355 SIDS Tragedy, International Brenda Hicken: (435) 783-5344 Support to grandparents who have lost a grandchild(800)793-7437 SIDS Alliance Peggy Dell: (801) 972-8082 Utah Chapter, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome Group for parents who have lost a child to IHC Alta View Hospital SIDS 9660 South 1300 East, Sandy Troy or Lisa Hughes: (801) 261-4222 Groups for families impacted by the death of a baby or child Jane Rosentreter: (801) 576-2370 Scriptural References

Cancer Wellness House Old Testament See Grief & Bereavement Support Groups, Psalm 23: 1-6 “The Lord is My Shepherd” following a Death from Cancer or AIDS Psalm 110:16 “Death of His Saints” Psalm 121 Help cometh from the Lord—He keepeth Candlelighters for Childhood Cancer Israel Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the LORD with all your heart” 1147 Ramona Avenue, SLC Ecclesiastes 3:1-2,4 “To Everything There is a Season” Assistance to children with cancer, Isaiah 41:10 “Fear thou not; for I am with thee” their families, and staff who care for them Ezekiel 37:12,14,5-6 “Literal Resurrection” Erin Jordan: (801) 487-7844 Nahum 1:7 “The Lord is good, a refuge in times of www.childhoodcancer.org trouble.”

Compassionate Friends New Testament Matthew 5:4 “Blessed are they that Mourn” Groups for parents and grandparents Matthew 11: 28-29 “Come unto Me” grieving the death of a child. John 3:16 “ For God so loved the word” Salt Lake City John 11:25-26 “ I am the Resurrection” Pioneer Medical Plaza: John 14: 2 “ In my Father’s House are many Mansions” 3349 South 4155 West John 14:27 “Peace I leave with you” John 16: 33 “Be of Good Cheer” Foothill Family Clinic: Romans 8:38-39 “For I am persuaded, that neither death, 6360 South 3000 East, #100, SLC nor life, nor angels” Shanton Baldaus: (801) 969-3768 1 Corinthians 15:19-22 “In Christ shall all be made Alive” Primary Children’s Medical Center 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ” 100 North Medical Drive, SLC 2 Corinthians 5:1-2 “Now we know that if the earthly Groups for adults, teens, children, tent we live in is destroyed” and play therapy (ages 3-16) Revelation 21:3-4 “And I heard a loud voice from the Amy Brinkerhoff: (801) 588-3086 throne saying”

SHARE Davis County Hospital, Cottonwood Hosptial, and Alta View Hospital 13 Brought to you by Memorial Mortuaries and Cemeteries.

For more information or for more copies, please contact us.

1-801-262-4631 or visit us online at www.memorialutah.com.

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