volume 12 - issue 11 - tuesday, november 13, 2012 - uvm, burlington, vt uvm.edu/~watertwr - thewatertower.tumblr.com

by ambermenard

Putting it frankly: facial hair is awe- some. Th e sheer (haha) amount of styles available makes a studio art major such as myself shake with excitement at the pros- pect of what the men around campus may do with their faces. Th ey are their canvas on which they have done, and potentially will do, interesting things. Diff erent styles of facial hair have waxed and waned in pop- ularity over the centuries, from the burly mutton chops to the subtle sole patch, but in modern times I’m sad to see that most men do not sport any facial hair at all. Th is is why I almost jumped with excitement when I woke up on November fi rst, for this is the month of the glorious tradition of No-Shave November, the full month during which men get to ignore their most trivial bathroom activity and allow their beards to grow as they may come. Will yours be full and voluminous, or patchy and sparse? Men, this is the time to fi nd out without be- ing criticized, so put down that razor and just let it grow! While thinking oh-so-excitedly about this month (I like guys with facial hair), I started to wonder what started this tradi- tion. As a native Vermonter, I always as- sumed it was just a decades-old way that the guys got ready for winter, but upon a truly in-depth Google search, I found out the supposed true origins. It came as a partial blow to my Vermont pride when I found out that not only was No-Shave No- by georgel o ft u s vember not started in Vermont, but its ori- I came here exactly four years and Look at the Williams building on Cen- sold as being “Th e Front Door of the Cam- gins don’t even lie in America. Whoa! Hold three months ago. In the fall of 2008 there tral Campus. Really look at it. Th e intrica- pus”. It’s the biggest building in Vermont. on, you say? Not American? How could this was a meadow northeast of Coolidge Hall. cies of the facade, the care and detail put Did UVM need to be able to say that they be!? Wasn’t everything as great and glorious In that meadow, between the gym and into the columns, the stonework of the owned the biggest building in one of the as No-Shave November started by Ameri- WDW, there was a small circle of smallest states? cans? Nope. Turns out Australians rock too. thin trees that had heavy leaf cover. Th e school is also trying to be Way back in 1999, a group of Austra- Inside that small circle was the fi rst the school can’t sustain itself if it a prestigious learning institution. lian men were enjoying some brewskis at place I ever smoked pot at UVM, keeps actively pursuing two diff erent It relishes the buildings on Central the local pub in Adelaide, Australia when what I understood, at the time, to be Campus promoting their dignity they decided it was time to bring back the a UVM staple, and I did so calmly, personalities. and scholastic value—Williams, mustache. Aft er some talking, they decid- quietly, discreetly. If you’re familiar Waterman, Old Mill, and Billings— ed to grow their mustaches for only one with the Redstone Loft s then you know staircase that leads to the lobby. And then but then houses students in Redstone Loft s. month, the month of November, which where that meadow is. You just now know look at Jeff ords Hall, look at the Davis Cen- Th at building looks like Tim Burton’s di- they renamed Movember for the Australian it as the complex’s parking garage, the cor- ter. arrhea aft er he ate his three-month-old slang term for a mustache, “mo”. However, ner closest to the fl ying diaper. I’m leaving UVM is currently going through other-diarrhea. It’s an eyesore that’s not this group of young gentlemen actually here in three weeks (ideally). In the span growing pains, an identity crisis of epic modern, just ugly, and it clashes with the had character and were not satisfi ed with of four and a half years UVM has become proportions. On the one hand it wants to modern look of the Davis Center, and the just growing their glorious mustaches; they barely recognizable to me. Pay attention. be one of the bigger universities this side austerity of Waterman. instead wanted to grow for a cause. Th ey Th is could, and most likely will, happen to of Boston. Th e Davis Center is a multi-mil- Presidents construct buildings be- chose to use Movember as a promotion for you too. lion dollar, 200,000 sq. ft . building that was cause it reads like an accomplishment on the awareness of prostate cancer, which is

... read the rest on page 5 ...read the rest on page 12

welcome to the oc, bitch hurricane sandy’s eff ects meatless mondays no love for tswift by bendonovan and by laurafrangipane by lauragreenwood by lizcantrell and katjaritchie georgel o ft u s news ticker: Petrae-trae sticks his penae-nae in writer’s vajae-jae. +++ Israel fired “warning” shots into Syria. Oh. Good. +++ There’s been an earthquake in Burma, but hey, at least the Dow’s up.g

by nickpatyk Dear water tower, with michaelstorace Everyone knows that homework is Uva also rightly states that adding I’m writing to you regarding kittyfaraji. See, I’ve witnessed her work for the water Hurricane Sandy and Climate Change- not popular with elementary school kids, 60,000 teaching jobs in five years will tower over the years, and I have to confess something I’ve been holding back. I wish I Hurricane Sandy has left a wave of destruction in its wake. Nearly half of but is getting rid of it entirely a good cause an influx of unskilled and uninspir- was her. In fact, I believe we would all be better human beings if we were all more like New York City was left flooded and without power, and New Jersey was essentially idea? François Hollande, the president of ing teachers. Look at how tenure in the Ms. Faraji. Her kindness, artistic ability, and drop-dead gorgeous bod have convinced wiped off the map, sunken below the Atlantic Ocean. In total, Hurricane Sandy France, seems to think so. He has proposed USA prolongs the employment of incom- me that it would be in my best interest to model my lifestyle and personality after hers. killed about 179 people: 110 in the United States (mostly in NY and NJ), and 69 that homework be replaced by a slightly petent teachers; adding mass quantities of Please send along my regards and ever lasting adoration of her. Maybe someday I’ll have in Caribbean countries. Sandy marked the second devastating hurricane to hit the longer school week (4.5 days instead of teachers quickly will likely make teachers the courage to step up and confess this all to her in person. Until then, I will continue to northeastern coast of the United States within two years, and it begs the question, just 4), and that more teachers should be not have to work as hard for their posi- admire her from afar and attempt to perform as well in life as she so obviously is. are environmentalists correct? Is Sandy really the result of climate change? hired. Hollande justifies the abolition of tions. Sincerely, It sure looks like it. As climate change increases its effects on the globe, hur- homework by saying that homework gives However, while Hollande’s justifica- ricanes will probably increase in both frequency and intensity. Global warming An anonymous admirer kevin kennedy wealthy children an advantage over poor tions may not be perfect, and though his warms not only the atmosphere, but also the ocean. Hurricanes occur as a result children because wealthy kids don’t need plan is certainly an easy one to criticize, Dear anonymous admirer, of warm oceans, so higher surface sea temperature means a higher volume of hur- to work: well-off parents have more time the abolition of homework seems like We agree. While we love all of our staff equally, she’s a fierce one and we’re lucky to ricanes. With warmer oceans, there will be a longer tropical storm season and to help their children with homework. a good idea to me. I can recall saying have her. Growl power. more storms higher north. When questioned about this unprec- more than once that without homework, Love and kittens, There are a number of other factors contributing to hurricane formation, in- edented proposal, Hollande responded: I would actually like going to school. cluding vertical wind shear and relative humidity, and each individual hurricane “An education program is, by definition, School can be enjoyable. You can see your James and Liz cannot be traced directly to climate change. However, climate change is a largely a societal program. Work should be done friends. Youthful spirits can congregate Co-Editors in Chief contributing factor to hurricanes and will becomes increasingly more to blame as at school, rather than at home.” Hollande, and have a good time, and perhaps even this current hurricane pattern continues. a socialist who beat his conservative pre- learn something, should they so desire. Sometimes reading the water tower makes our readers want to get naked and fight the New York City suffered drastically from Hurricane Sandy. City officials shut decessor Nikolas Sarkozy in French elec- But when homework is applied to the power. But most of the time, they just send emails. Send your thoughts on anything in this down the 108-year-old subway line for about a week, taking quite a while to re- tions last May, looks like he’s going to vig- equation, kids begin to associate school week’s issue to turn to its full function and capacity. Also, Sandy forced the Wall Street Stock orously apply socialist ideology to French with intellectual overload and the usurpa- [email protected] Exchange to close for two days, the first time weather has halted commerce in by dannissim education. But people have long been tion of their free time. Furthermore, kids New York City’s financial district since 1888. Total damage to the city totals in- skeptical of socialism, and Hollande’s pro- should be encouraged to pursue more definitely to $33 million. Sandy’s impact extended throughout the East Coast, posal is no exception. Enrico Uva, a writer “real world” or experiential learning, and knocking out power in West Virginia, Philadelphia, New Jersey, Virginia, New With the recent release of Windows 8, were awkward, and I am concerned with for The Montreal Gazette, points out that to follow their personal intellectual in- Hampshire, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Massachusetts, Maryland, and even as by Hollande’s reasoning, all unfair advan- terests. Forcing children to “learn” from north as Maine. If hurricanes increase in frequency and intensity in upcoming Microsoft has made a push towards their the lack of taskbar at the bottom of the dis- the water tower. vision of “future computing”. They’ve made play. Windows 8 is by far best experienced tages should be gotten rid of. Extra books preset curriculums kills creativity and uvm’s alternative newsmag years, damage to coastal development will get worse, and allegations of climate are unfair and a quiet room to study in produces apathy in teachers and students. change will get harder to deny. see page 4 for more shit some ambitious changes and have taken a with a touch screen; its tablet-oriented in- uvm.edu/~watertwr tip from Apple in daring to innovate. I was terface feels somewhat forced and awkward gives students an undeserved leg up in While Hollande’s motives are question- ______Editorial Staff able to get my hands on a couple of the new on laptops. school. Anything that can be used to learn able in several ways, his proposal is one Editors-in-Chief is an “unfair advantage.” Uva’s critique that could end up producing a formal ed- James Aglio Windows 8 computers, and I was left with At launch, there weren’t many apps Liz Cantrell mixed feelings. available through the Windows Store, so I exposes “leveling the playing field” as a ucation system that better accommodates I would like to preface this critique by was stuck with the basic weather, mail, and hopeless and unrealistic goal, the only the free-spirited nature of youth. g News Editor effect of which will be the oppression of Kerry Martin with kerrymartin stating just how high my expectations were games apps. The key to success for Win- for the new operating system. I had been dows 8 will be drawing in developers to “advantaged” households. Around Town Editor George Loftus tracking its release and was very excited to make applications that support their new advertisement “Mr. President, this is your moment. We’re ready to be led—not as Democrats or try some of the new products. The new UI and will be sold through the Windows Reflections Editor software adds some interesting functional- Store. Phoebe Fooks Republicans, but as Americans. We want you to lead, not as a liberal or a conser- ity, but the most exciting thing about the Also with the release of Windows 8, Fashion Editor vative, but as president of the United States of America.” release of Windows 8 is the hardware: the Microsoft is launching their Surface tab - Sarah Perda -Speaker of the House John Boehner talking to the newly reelected Barack Obama. Washington Republicans know that both sides array of new tablets and other products. let. Starting at $499, Microsoft is placing Créatif Stuffé Editor must make compromises to accomplish anything in Obama’s second term, and some political observers predict the Republican Party The hybrid tablet is the newest category it as a direct competitor to the iPad. With Josh Hegarty undergoing a serious face-lift. As long as it doesn’t come out looking like Joan Rivers, that’s okay with me. of computer hardware. The tablet is paired the Surface, you get a more “computery”- Tunes Editor with a detachable type device as op- Dylan McCarthy keyboard that of- posed to the limited ten acts as a sec- “windows 8 is a sign that functionality of the Humor Editor Collin Cappelle “Every aspect of reform has an ondary battery microsoft is ready for change iPad. It will be in- “If they want war, we’ll give them with additional and will be attacking the tablet teresting to see how Copy Editor important precondition—that USB ports. these devices com- Laura Greenwood war. The cats need us.” Besides the market aggressively.” pete come holiday ______Staff Writers -Silvia Viviani rejecting Italian state archaeologists’ demand to the Communist Party remains in traditional twist- season. Ben Donovan shut down the Torre Argentina Cat Sanctuary she helped found. Laura Frangipane charge.” and-flip, there are When it comes Cait O’Hara The association has sheltered thousands of stray Roman cats in a couple of other interesting takes on the down to it, Windows 8 is a sign that Mi- the ruins of the site where Brutus stabbed Julius Caesar in 44 -Yao Jianfu, a former Chinese official, commenting on a recent Katja Ritchie speech by China’s top leader Hu Jintao, who is stepping down after a convertible tablet design. Both Sony and crosoft is ready for change and will be at- Sage Bierman B.C. This is Italy’s worst abuse of pussies since Silvio Berlusconi Asus are launching a convertible tablet that tacking the tablet market aggressively. All Rebecca Laurion left office last year. decade of rule. In what will likely go down as his last major address, Stacey Brandt Mr. Hu talked up his own legacy, warned against unrest, and pres- acts as a perfectly normal laptop, but when of the major hardware companies have one Beth Ziehl sured that his successor Xi Jinping stay the course. you close the device, a touch screen acti- or more new tablets lined up to launch by Michael Storace ______Art Staff vates on the backside of the lid. My worry the end of the year. Microsoft CEO Steve Art Editor for these devices is that the rear display will Ballmer announced that there have been Malcolm Valaitis get scratched and scuffed during normal four million Windows 8 upgrades in the Kitty Faraji “My son had the idea of creating the company’s calendar…so that we could show use. Lenovo has also brought an interest- first four days. ing convertible tablet to the table with their After walking out of the store I felt Art Staff something half-serious, colorful, beautiful; the beauty of Polish girls and the Caney Demars IdeaPad Yoga. The IdeaPad Yoga looks incredibly conflicted. On the one hand, I Ben Berrick beauty of our coffins.” like a normal laptop, but you can fold the saw a product with tremendous potential Tenzin Chophel -Zbigniew Lindner, a Polish coffin maker who sells a calendar of nude models posing by his caskets as a marketing tactic. These center- screen all the way back so that the back of for the future. But on the other hand, Mi- Katharine Longfellow fold shots look like collaborations by Hugh Hefner and Salvador Dali; a great gift for a horny grandfather who wants his heart ripped the lid touches the bottom of the laptop, crosoft has decided to change so many key Kevin Kennedy out by a buxom blonde in a corset. Mariel Brown-Fallon leaving you with a slate tablet. features that I believe it will be incredibly Lauryn Schrom the water tower is UVM’s alternative newsmag and is a weekly student publication at the University of Vermont in Burlington, Vermont. I spent most of my testing time at Best difficult for familiar users to easily transi- Amelia Garrison Buy with the IdeaPad Yoga. The new oper- tion. Ultimately, I think consumers will be contact the wt. read the wt. join the wt. Our generation stands at a ating system ran very smoothly, and I am a intrigued by Microsoft’s “fresher” design, Layout Staff Letters to the Editor/General B/H Library - 1st Floor New writers and artists crossroads. With sincerity and big fan of the Windows-8-style UI. Having and with a mix of new hardware hitting all Dan Nissim humor, we strive to make you Martine Wong [email protected] Davis Center - 1st Floor Entrance are always welcome consistency across all platforms (mobile, price levels, Windows 8 will be a big winner ______Special Thanks To Editors-in-Chief: Davis Center - Main St. Tunnel Weekly meetings reexamine, investigate, question, game, and computer) will aid in the fur- come this holiday season. g UVM Art Department Digital Lab [email protected] L/L - Outside Alice’s Café Tuesdays at 7:30 pm learn, and maybe pee your pants along the way. We are the reason thering of tech literacy: more people will be Advertising: Old Mill Annex - Main Lobby Chittenden Bank Room attracted to smartphones or tablets if they [email protected] Waterman - Main Lobby Davis Center - 4th Floor people can’t wait for Tuesday. Williams - Inside Steps Or send us an email We are the water tower. already know how to operate them. Online - uvm.edu/~watertwr Some of the new computer gestures - Anybody says “Chino.” - It occurs to you that high school was defi nitely NOT like that. by caito’hara - Every time Seth and Ryan have a bromantic moment. with bendonovan - Mrs. Cooper is a raging bitch. I’ve been on a kick lately of consistently eating some pretty awesome food and it’s led and Ri Ra’s off er a variety of burgers at bargain prices. While they’re both delicious and and georgel o ft u s - You just wanna give Sandy Cohen a hug. Come on. The dude is the me to some deep contemplations. I’ve come to the conclusion that there are few things each has their merits, I must say that only one can emerge victorious; Ri Ra’s. greatest fi ctional character since Han Solo more joyous than a delicious burger at a damn good price. Here in Burlington, we are Now hang on a second before anyone raises a ruckus. I have tried both, and both are We’ve been accused of focusing too heavily on male-oriented shows. Turns out when - Seth references something nerdy. lucky enough to have two restaurants that have half price burger nights. Both Th e Scuff er very good. But there are several reasons that I prefer Ri Ra’s over Th e Scuff er. two dudes are in charge of writing a weekly drinking game column, you get a lot of shows - Mischa Barton is a hilariously awful actress. Seriously, there’s a reason she’s done nothing but straight-to-DVD horror fi lms since. Horror movies are drinks that involve some combination of guns, boobs, suits, and swearing (or swords, when we’re burgers atmosphere feeling traditional). Anyways, fuck you guys. We watch other shows, we’ve seen Sex and the the Elephant’s Graveyard of hot chicks who can’t act. Th e Scuff -er A solid selection of traditional with a twist Th e Scuff -er Somehow it just feels a bit more upscale. Per- Th e Scuff -er If it’s half-price burger night you may as well City (Big sucks, Carrie should’ve been with Aidan), Downton Abby, Dawson’s Creek, Gilm- - You want to be a character on this show. and all made with quality meat. From the always-delicious haps because it’s a steakhouse versus Rí-Rá’s pub, I just feel get a drink too right? Well at Th e Scuff er you kind of have ore Girls, My So Called Life (even we pine for Jared Leto sometimes, when we can get Re- - You want to bang a character on this show. Portabella Burger (sautéed portabella and onions with your as though I have to be a bit more presentable than I do to. See, in order for their Tuesday night burger special to quiem for A Dream out of our head); all of it. We love the fuck out of “eff eminate shows”, but - Seth Cohen is the ONLY believable high school character on this entire choice of cheese) to the wonderful and tasty Smokey BBQ at Rí-Rá’s. While I’m not saying it’s uncomfortable, it’s just count, you have to purchase a beverage with it as well. none of them speak louder to us than Kid Chino and the other denizens of Atomic County. show. Burger (BBQ sauce, BACON and onion rings) that yes, I not necessarily a jeans and T-shirt kind of place. I loved Coke, beer, juice, whiskey, whatever fl oats your boat. But Th is show was a cultural phenomenon. I lived in South America where they barely had am willing to go back for. Bacon Avocado sounds good, the woodwork, and the fact that the dining room is open you have to get one. While I suppose it makes sense con- running water and watched it as it was coming out. Ben lived in Virginia, where they barely Finish your drink when: Ryan hits someone or something. but I just can’t get over the avocado. I will admit it, I’m not to Church Street when it’s not balls cold out and will never sidering that you are saving a decent sum on their burgers, have literacy, and he saw it as it was coming out too. Th is show is fantastic. It’s the greatest a fan. Th e Burlington Burner (chipotle mayo, red onions, be upset by sports being on a TV. I just suppose that what I don’t like when people tell me what to do. IT’S MY LIFE guilty pleasure to come about since masturbating. Watching Seth and Ryan perpetually hit Please send us your game. We’re running out of ideas. [email protected]. jalapenos, and pepperjack cheese) is just spicy enough to I look for in a half-price burger night is something a bit MAN.[+.5] on Summer and Marissa is the most comfortable exercise in television this side of Th e Price Seriously, you’re probably smarter than us. Help some dudes out. Write something funny in be enjoyable, without lighting my mouth on fi re. A classic more laid back. [+0] is Right. Seriously, it’s like sweatpants for your eyes. the subject line, like, “boobpretzel”, or “chicago smells good” or something. But please don’t cheeseburger and a house made veggie burger round out a Rí-Rá’s- Although I really have to be in the mood for Guin- Be careful though, this game is potent. Turns out when you make “every time you want send us the rules to Roxanne like that one kid did. We know it’s a game. Much love. g decent menu. [+1] Rí-Ra’s- Maybe it’s because I will always be a beer/jeans/ ness to enjoy it, there is something to be said about having to bang a character” a rule, you drink. Heavily. Hangover, thy name is Seth Cohen. T-shirts girl, but Rí-Rá’s feels like that homey little pub I it on tap. And they usually have Switchback on tap too, giv- Rí-Ra’s- To me, Rí-Ra’s burgers, from selection to creativ- never had growing up in East Bumfuck Nowhere. Cozy, ing you a good yet inexpensive beer to pair perfectly with ity to use of bacon and beer, takes things to a whole new oft en with live music, it’s one of those places you wouldn’t your delicious burger. Although you aren’t required to get level. If you were to guess, what’s on a Frickle Peño Burger? mind kicking back at with a pint and some friends for a a drink to make the half price burger half price, with what IDENTITY CRISIS- continued from page 1 (it’s habanero jack cheese, fried pickles, jalapeño rings and while. Although no one there does, it gives you this sense you’re already saving, why not go ahead and indulge? [+1] their resume for the next college they preside over. I like a sports bar themed restaurant. It happened the year later. of the failures are on account of the students who misjudge ranch dressing) Excuse me as I try to pick my tongue up that everyone there knows you by name, and it’s totally fi ne the Davis Center, but it’s not UVM. Instead of hiring new Former Fashion Editor Colby Nixon wrote an article in the the values they claim to understand, myself included. off the fl oor. Th e Rí-Rá Burger (cracked pepper, grilled to laugh, shout at whatever game is on and enjoy yourself. teachers, lowering tuition, raising the pay of the work September 15th 2009 issue entitled; “Can it be? Brennan’s Th is doesn’t feel like my school anymore. It’s lost the Irish rasher, swiss and onion rings) is gooey, cheesy, ba- [+1] staff , any of a thousand options, they built a place to costly isn’t gross anymore!” Yeah. Th at’s how it was. humility that I once found so endearing. Now I’m an ass- cony goodness. Th eir answer to Th e Scuff er’s BBQ Burger the verdict: LEED Certifi cation. And then bumped up tuition to cover In the same vein, we also lauded the bottle ban as a hole if I smoke on my way to class. I’m ostracized if I don’t is the Guinness BBQ Burger. If only for the fact the Guin- So accuse me of being biased if you like, however I be- it. victory because it echoed the sentiment of the activists you care where my chicken is raised because I’m too busy car- ness in a barbeque sauce on a burger is enough to send my total: lieve I’ve laid out many good reasons as to why I love Ri With just over 10,000 students, UVM’s average class see in front of the library, but walk through parking lots ing about why it’s $8 for three small breasts (haha... small). taste buds into foodgasm instantly. Th ey also carry a house Th e Scuff er-1.5/3 Ra’s. I’m not saying that Scuff er’s isn’t good, in fact it is! size is listed as 31 students/class. Students are overstuff ed with the majority of out of state plates (the majority of the I’m leaving in three weeks. I hardly recognize my made veggie burger that sounds delicious….but it doesn’t Ri Ra’s- 3/3 I’m just saying that you’re far more likely to fi nd me at Ri into classrooms with the universe’s most uncomfortable students here) and you’ll see SUVs, with the occasional school anymore. I feel no affi liation, no ties to what in a have bacon on it. [+1] Ra’s on Wednesday nights than you are Th e Scuff er. g chairs. Th e only reason people don’t have an anxiety at- Subaru Outback. Most of the compost and recyclables in month I’ll refer to as my Alma Mater because it’s changed tack in lecture halls is because about 30% of those in most the Davis Center end up at the landfi ll because of the stu- so much in my short time here. Gone are the humble days Halo 4- Like I didn’t have enough free Mitt Romney- I don’t really give Steven Spielberg- He announced [sic] lecture classes skip. In 2009, incoming freshmen were sub- dents’ failure to recognize the appropriate bins. Th e ma- where standards weren’t astronomically out of sync with time between school and a social life, two shits about politics, and I hate “No, I won’t make the new Star Wars, jected to force triples. Th ose dorms were not meant for jority of students here aren’t political activists, they’re just reality.Your ties might run deeper, but in case they don’t, now I have this beautiful piece of soft - talking about them, but CNN re- that’s my best friend George’s thing!” more than two people. Th ey were barely meant for one. loud, aff ecting no real change, instead clinging on to major do what I should’ve; take pictures, everyday. continued ware to deal with too. I was growing ported that the morning of the Oh, seriously? Th e guy who’s made 4 On the other hand, UVM wants to present a holis- victories that passionate, genuine activists accomplish, like More than ever I realize this time will never hap- a mustache for No Shame November election Romney didn’t even good movies in the last 14 years (Mu- tic, granola and kale-crunching personality, boasting or- VSTEP’s bottle ban last year. pen again. Relationships between people, walkings paths with georgel o ft u s (I’m making it a thing) before, but now have a concession speech written. nich, Catch Me If You Can, Minor- ganic, locally produced foods made in Brennan’s. In 2008, I don’t think the school can sustain itself if it keeps to class, the buildings, the ethos, everything. Everything it’s tripled in length, since I haven’t Umm, ok. Th at’s like me going ity Report, and Saving Private Ryan) is Brennan’s wasn’t like that. At all. For all the bad press the actively pursuing two diff erent personalities. It’s one of the changes, even a place that prides itself in being established General Patraeus- Really? Dude, you’re the head of seen sunlight from all my time invest- to a brothel in Amsterdam, be- passing on directing the sequel trilogy Grundle gets, Brennan’s used to get it worse. Th ey had original eight public ivies, but buildings like Red Stone in 1791. It’s similar, sure, but it’s embracing the 21st cen- the CIA, the only people to beat the KGB, and you ed in Master Chief’s new saga. Great. ing confused when I had sex, and to one of the most successful franchises food, technically, but all people ever really got there were Loft s catapult it into something gaudy, like it doesn’t even tury in an awkward, uncharacteristic way. Take a photo. can’t keep an aff air off the radar? You’re the king of Now I look like a pedophile AND my then mad at myself for not bring- that’s ever existed? OH NO! What will the chicken strips. All you could really get to mix it up was take the students seriously. It boasts about its eco-aware- Remember. Soon, you may fi nd yourself saying “Once, we spies, you can’t lock that shit up? My friend Mike said legs have suff ered muscular atrophy. ing a condom twenty minutes af- he ruin next instead, Indiana Jones 5? sauces. Buff alo 1-3, Th ai peanut, and others I’m sure. It was ness, but those victories are few and far between, and most were here.” g it best: “... the man’s good at hiding things. He hid his It’s ok, sexual chemistry with women ter I paid. Ridiculous. And itchy. PS Please don’t make Indy 5. If anything, penis all the time, he just didn’t hide it in his wife.” is overrated anyway. go back in time and unmake Indy 4.

words by laurenmacklin art by caneydemars by stacybrandt I’ve always wanted to go on a hike, but the only per- vorite of my friend’s mother. We arrived at Camel’s Hump to collect a modest, mica rock (a little souvenir) when my Th ere are a number of reasons that the University of Vermont is a unique and amaz- 1. Being pelted with water balloons by the craziest of Burlington landlords, while dig- son to explicitly propose the idea was a former boss who 45 minutes later where there was a slight gust in the breeze friend shouted “LEAVE NO TRACE!” and slapped the ing place, but Friday the 26th exemplifi ed the fact. I caught myself pinching my arm as I ging through a garbage bin fi lled with mushed apples. I’ve never worked so hard for told me that I’d better “take a hike”, which I interpreted in and the sky was gray and sprinkling (the weather had stat- rock out of my hand. She subsequently informed me that watched Captain Jack Sparrow attempt to dizzy bat, spinning around ten times before try- a PBR… the colloquial. So I off ered the idea to three friends who ed “partly cloudy” and we had managed to fi nd the cloudy she is a certifi ed “Leave No Trace” educator (a.k.a. quasi- ing to shoot a basketball in a hoop. It was House 3 and the race was starting to take its toll 2. Decatur Street is a real place. It exists, I swear. I know to have ample hiking experience and who always part). Nonetheless, we began our adventure with energy environmentalist with no actual authority) and explained on the participants. Captain Sparrow had now fallen on his face. Could this absurdity really 3. Bathrobes should be double-knotted prior to bike riding if you don’t want to fl ash seem to be basking in memories of Such and Such Peak and optimism. in a voice directed at my inner seven year old that if every- be happening? No, I am not dreaming; this is where I go to school. all of North Street (that wind will get you). in Acadia National Park and how one time at Yosemite As we trudged our way upward, I recalled having one took a rock then there would simply be none left to As we raised our beers-- ahem, sodas-- high and belted out the fi nal notes of the na- 4. Also, there actually are opportunities to befuddle North Street inhabitants who they had to carry a hundred pound log up a fi ve thousand dreamt of hiking under a pristine blue sky and explo- take. I reminded her that she had just ‘left her trace’ behind tional anthem (quite off -key, I might add), we were united as one. Or the land of the oft en befuddle me (starting with fl ashing them while biking). foot rock face dangling from a rope ladder. It was eagerly sion of leaves at their fi ery autumnal peaks. Presently, our the tree over there and pocketed the thing. freeeeeeee… I was standing between a Native American and a frog… And the home of 5. It really is about the journey, not the destination. decided that Camel’s Hump, a peak about an hour south boots were squishing through mud, brown and orange and I like to believe that our fi nal, quarter mile ascent to the… the bikes lined the backyard; we were ready… Bravee… And the air horn sounded. east, would be the place. Neglecting the extent of our pro- red leaf fragments. It was messy and natural, just the way the summit of Camel’s Hump brought most risk and gave Th e tabs were opened and, simultaneously, we shot-gunned. And the race began. Th e rules spective hangovers, we would hike on Sunday because the losing one’s hiking virginity is supposed to be. My heart my illusionary hiking skills a suffi cient testing. Finding were simple: a team was composed of three people with some sort of unifying costume. weather would be nicer than on Saturday. We selected the pounding with adrenaline, I came to the realization that I ourselves between layers of clouds, we were at an altitude All joking aside, this event was unimaginable, unreal, and unbeatable. I had high Each team would buy an 18 rack (of soda) to be dropped off at the starting house, prior hopes when entering the situation, and my expectations were exceeded ten-fold. My team “advanced” trail 3.3 miles to the summit then to come was actually exercising and, in fact, having my ass handed of about 4,000 ft ., but could see only white past the rocky to the race. Th e drinks were then divided between six houses, three cans per house (one straight back down, making it 6.6 mile round trip. “No too me. Fortunately for me, one of my companions needed mountain edge. I imagine this is how J.R.R Tolkien imag- and I were not anywhere close to winning, as we were one of the fi nal teams to arrive. Still, can per team member, per house). Right before starting, teams received a rather elusive as soon as we reached the fi nal destination and fi nish line we were met by the faces of our problem!” I chimed in, “I’ve run a 10k.” Blind to the irrel- water and one needed to pee, so I quickly seconded the ined the surreal Misty Mountains in his Lord of the Rings and cryptic scrap of paper with the addresses of each of the six houses. When the air horn evance of my comment, I skipped off to prepare for Sunday idea. Th anks to many drunken endeavors, which always novels. Unfortunately, Orlando Bloom did not appear out friends and their corresponding teams. Not only were we all dressed in our absurd outfi ts, sounded, it became search and destroy; every team for themselves. Th e objective was to get but more noticeably were the goofi est of grins plastered on everyone’s faces. I found my- morning. lack proper bathroom facilities, I relieved myself behind a of the mist. It was cold, and, no longer protected by a bar- to each house, complete some sort of task, drink your teams’ three beers, and get back to With full intention of embodying every Vermont hik- tree quite professionally and we continued forward in high rier of trees, we braced ourselves against forceful winds self laughing with people who were complete strangers not an hour before; Red necks in the starting point fi rst. cutoff jorts, Carrots and Indians, the burliest of men in the tightest of cocktail dresses, the er stereotype in the known universe, the four of us left the spirits, belting the latest hits of Tay Swift in tone deaf har- which almost knocked me off the mountain. I felt as un- For the next hour, the streets of Burlington (North end to the South) were a sight to dorm Sunday morning at 8 am looking like we had just mony. stable as an on-sight news reporter in a hurricane to be Ghostbusters, and an Irish clan sporting plaid kilts. Th e camaraderie created was rare and behold. Sporting nothing but bathrobes and towels, my team biked up Main Street to- it was all thanks to this ludicrous event. I want to thank our hosts and fellow classmates ransacked a camping outlet store and left the mannequins Th ough my legs became numb aft er traversing a verti- trying to be impossibly composed. wards one address, zooming past bewildered pedestrians. I would have been bewildered naked. Sporting Patagonia fl eeces, Bean Boots, Colombia cal waterfall at mile 2, I began to feel a sort of ‘hiker’s high’ We made it to the top! Except for a few breaks in the who simply grabbed ahold of their Halloween spirits and took the opportunity to cause too, due to the fact that screaming down the other side of the road was John Travolta on a little chaos. Supposedly, the world is going to end in December. I don’t know if this is a hats, and backpacks equipped with Nagenes and an exces- as my endorphins fl owed through my head. A transcen- fast moving blur of clouds, there was no view. But the feel- a Schwinn, followed by two sexy pink ladies on bicycles of their own. All in all, the event sive amount of buckles, we packed up the Subaru (com- dental awe swept over me. Th e trees swaying ,the moun- ing of reaching the summit was brilliant, and I had brought load of Bull-pucky, or if the Mayans really had it right. But one thing I do know is that in was ridiculous. More than that, it really illustrated the incredible uniqueness found in the the off chance we do make it to the year 2013, I know where I will be and what I will be plete with Vermont plates and a suffi cient layer of dirt), tain air thick in my lungs, the blending shapes of rocks and no prior expectations. I think every UVM student should student body at UVM. Th e entire event was coordinated through a simple internet message and were off to hump ‘Th e Hump’! Asking ourselves pure stream of run-off - and no, drug enthusiasts, unbe- have a hiking experience at least once. So get up off your doing on October the 26 th and I highly recommend you and two friends fi nd the and word of mouth, but there were at least 20 teams in attendance. Each house added their time to join me. g what a hike would be without freshly baked crois- lievably, I was not on shrooms. I became transfi xed by the ass (Netfl ix does have this thing called a pause button) and own twist on the event, creating obstacles or challenges to be completed before rewarding editors note: the water tower does not endorse drunk bik- sants, we took an obligatory, not-quite-on-the-way mica glinting off the rocks like fools gold. “OMG, SPAR- go get your Hump on! g a team with their next can…of soda. By the end of the race, I had experienced and learned ing, driving, rollarblading, skateboarding, or heelys-ing. pit stop at On the Rise Bakery in Richmond, a fa- KLES!” exclaimed my inner seven year old. I reached down so many new things about my classmates and Burlington. Some highlights: -george loft us by phoebefooks by laurafrangipane After receiving as many awards for High hopes were definitely one aspect Even for lasting 172 minutes, this was all katharine longfellow writing Cloud Atlas as the water tower of my dismay, but even my friend who had too rushed. As Hurricane Sandy crept up the East Coast, People began wondering how to help. The has for being awesome, it probably came as not seen the trailer and had no idea what It’s really a shame that money spent I had several things on my mind. My first worry marathon was cancelled; wirey men and women no surprise to British author David Mitch- he was walking into when we saw the film on actually very impressive special effects was my family in my hometown outside Philadel- moved wreckage and flood damaged items all day ell a few years back that his third published agreed that the primary flaw of Cloud At- and a cast that included Tom Hanks, Halle phia, which was braced to be hit by the brunt of the instead. New York City waited in lines, so many book was to be made into a movie… a las was its confusing, not one, but six plots. Berry, Jim Sturgess, and Hugh Grant creat- storm. The second worry was for all those I know lines, to vote on Election Tuesday. movie with an enormous budget. We’re This feat was done rather eloquently by ed such a flop of a film. Critics have mostly scattered along the East Coast living in places like I’m not a New Yorker (I’m quick to point out I talking about 102 million dollars, folks— Mitchell in the novel, but the film jumps agreed that separating the project into two New York City and New Jersey that the storm had love my hometown of Philadelphia) but I am born even that puts Fogel’s infamous package to back and forth between stories too quickly movies could have worked better. Spending in its crosshairs. Lastly, I thought of Vermont, of of a great city. An East Coast, hurry there, hurry shame. The film was released in theaters on without leaving time for plot development more time on each of the six stories could Irene, and what it would mean for us. Vermont here, city. I October 26th, and its most recent box office to sink in to the audience. have spared the script from cheap, time- had barely finished rebuilding from the damage of was reminded, estimates stand at about twenty million. The plots were further complicated saving clichés, and allowed audiences to get the year before. It wasn’t clear immediately where these weeks, What I’m trying to tell you is that the feel of the characters so that the storm would hit; it seemed safe to assume that that us East this was a movie with high expec- they can remember what has it would hit everywhere. Coasters are tations, but the sad truth is that “watching cloud atlas was like what it would happened to them as the camera The storm hit New Jersey, Philadelphia, and more similar it did not meet those, and I don’t be watching a movie that told the entire tale jumps from plot to plot. Emo- my family first. They sounded calm on the other than differ- recommend you go see it. tions are what connect people end of my phone calls; they sounded safe. A ner- ent. We love to Summarizing Cloud Atlas of the avengers and the stories of its individual to stories, unfortunately not just vous few days went by when our contact was lim- hate on Jersey, would not only take up a full page characters—hulk, ironman, etc. (you know the smoke and mirrors. ited because cell towers were down and power was but we love of this newspaper, but doing so Overall, I could see the po- out in our house. to go to its would be impossible without giv- lot)—all in one three hour long production. tential in Cloud Atlas, because I Watching the news in New York, waiting for beaches. I was by georgeloftus Sandy to come so homesick, ing away one of the many surprise talk about a clusterfuck.” would not have decided to see it “connections” between the tales immediately after watching the to Vermont was so far away in it tells of six different characters. trailer otherwise. However, its different. I didn’t Vermont, and Those of you who have read the book or by the motif of having actors play mul- production was far too ambitious. I’m dis- have a way to felt so helpless seen the movie will understand what I’m tiple roles. Throughout the entire movie, appointed that the producers chose to put reach friends; texts while Sandy talking about, but for those who haven’t, I searched for a connection between these the majority of their budget and effort into went unanswered. came. I keep I’ll clarify by making this analogy: watch- characters (other than their similar birth- production and popular actors at the cost I looked at scenes hearing the ing Cloud Atlas was like what it would be marks—a part of the story that was never of a quality screenplay, especially because that reminded same call to As if George Lucas needed more and Episode VI was teddy bears in space. Zahn. Give those stories a shot, then hand watching a movie that told the entire tale of actually explained), only to find out to- Cloud Atlas was such a highly acclaimed me of the flooded help, the East money, two weeks ago he sold Lucasfilms Episodes I through III were a detriment to me a tissue. Lucas gone is a blessing. The Avengersand the stories of its individ- wards the end that they were connected by novel. All too often our favorite books are streets of New Or- Coast spirit properties to Disney for a whopping four the series. Spoiling mysteries like where My only concern is since Disney owns ual characters—Hulk, Ironman, etc. (you the broad, didactic theme of the deeds and exploited at the hand of profit-seeking Hol- leans from Katrina of hustle and billion dollars. That’s six percent of what the force comes from, fuckin’ Jar Jar, and Marvel, who until last year had the big- know the lot)—all in one three hour long crimes of their past lives carrying on forev- lywood producers. Occasionally, such as and I cried. I cried, bustle. the United Kingdom spends on national the worst offense of all: we saw Darth Va- gest market share of comics produced, production. Talk about a clusterfuck. er… or something like that. The revelations in the case of Harry Potter or Lord of the and I cried. The If you defense. On top of that, they announced a der cry. The whole point of starting with released, and sold, the comic rights will Maybe it was because the trailer of characters within the stories seemed Rings, film adaptations of books are done subways flooded, too heard the new Star Wars trilogy, with the first part Episode IV was the idea of coming into an probably revert to them. Dark Horse was looked so incredible or because my room- always too preachy, and often cliché. The well, seldom are they done better than the Rockaway Point call, here’s a releasing 2015. already living universe. We don’t need to the only source of Star Wars stories until mates and I talked about nothing all week “message” contained, but was not limited book, and more often than any other sce- gone, the small list of sug- Holy. Shit. see Michael Jordan’s first breakup in the the novels and video games flourished in except our Friday night movie plans that to, a critique of global consumerism, a peg nario the films are worse, for which Cloud spinning broken gested ways to I’m the biggest Star Wars fan you do sixth grade for a movie about the 1996 the mid nineties. Some of my favorite sto- set my expectations for Cloud Atlas so high, against Climate Change and nuclear en- Atlas is just another example. g Jane’s Carousel in get involved or do not know. On top of seeing the mov- championship series. ries were told by Dark Horse, and I’ll be and consequently caused me to be so disap- ergy, a couple predictable love stories, and DUMBO. The im- and help out. ies countless times (and every iteration, Now that Lucas can’t put a finger on sad to see those creative teams and editors pointed. a metaphor for the meaning of freedom. age of the Manhat- The most ef- no less), I’ve played ninety percent of the the franchise, it has the potential to be leave the franchise. But that’s not to say tan skyline half fective way to video games, read every Marvel doesn’t have a more- out sears into my help is usually comic that’s come out in the than-capable list of creators brain even now. money, so that last twenty years, collected “imagine someone like casino royale’s who can make an indelible I received a it can be spent figures, watched the car- mark on the franchise. on giving thanks as a vegetarian phone call that on things that toons, everything. I have a martin campbell behind the camera Disney bought Pixar by leerogoff the school dis- are actually Darth Malgus statue next to (who, ironically used to be As a vegetarian of eight years, I’ve key-time foods. Last year, I spent Thanks- of the best universally accepted non-meat trict where I teach needed: my TV, an original Y-Wing with a license like star wars.” a part of Lucasfilm) and experienced my fair share of being con- giving with my aunt and uncle in New foods and almost anything can be added would be closed -D onate bomber above it, and both a they’re still making fantas- fronted with large ceremonial meals York, and we had the most diverse feast to it (well... maybe not ketchup). Or, con- the following day. money, OR stormtrooper and a Boba Fett helmet on good again. Selling to Disney opens up the tic movies, Cars 2 aside. In 2009, Disney where I have to turn down sixty-five we’ve had in years, featuring ravioli (that coct a roasted veggie salad with beets and I woke up startled even more either side of that. I. Fucking. Love. Star franchise for new competent producers bought Marvel. All of the comic creative percent of what is served; my family and I made), traditional Thanksgiving turkey, squash. Get creative with making dishes at 6:00 am, con- important, Wars. So, you can trust my opinion. and directors. As great as Episode IV was, teams stayed the same, the movies got big- friends consist of mostly carnivores. This mashed potatoes, and even homemade that you and others could enjoy. fused because it blood, to the I was elated. it was formulaic as fuck and ripped off Ku- ger budgets, and the good effects of most means I’ve dealt with many Thanksgiv- Chinese dishes; it was fantastic! 4. If there are some appetizers like was sunny. Where was the hurricane in Vermont? American Red Cross. Star Wars is a cash-cow and Disney rosawa’s The Hidden Fortress (yes, the same major tentpole blockbusters—The Aveng- ing dinners where all I had to eat were If you are one of those going home cheese and nuts, definitely take advantage It turned out we were lucky; there was no power -Most animals made it through the storm, but has unrivaled marketing and demographic Kurosawa mentioned in “One Week” by ers included—are handled by Industrial roasted vegetables, cranberry sauce, and for Thanksgiving break as a vegetarian or of that to get your protein fix, because al- loss, no major winds, no flooding, and minimal those living with their owners at shelters are in penetration. They know what they have The Barenaked Ladies, it’s a real thing Light and Magic... a subsidiary of Lucas- salad. Other times I’ve been offered some vegan for the first time, here are some tips monds are great for protein. rain here. I couldn’t help, however, being struck need of food, as food supplies at existing shelters on their hands and they’re going to take too). Imagine someone like Casino Royale’s film. fish by family friends who do not seem to for surviving the holiday: 5. Remember that beer and wine and solemn on the warm, seventy degree weather got wiped. Help by giving money to one of the Hu- full advantage of it. Toys, amusement park Martin Campbell behind the camera with I really think Star Wars is going to realize that vegetarians do not eat animals 1. Inform your parents or the host(s) aren’t meat, and if you’re underage and we were having. mane Society or the ASCPA in New York. rides (besides Star Tours <3), cartoons, in- a license like Star Wars. Or Christopher be fine. While I have reservations about period, and I consider eating fish cheat- that you will not be partaking in any your family is lenient, you can totally have New York, New York. -Many churches or relgious organizations in teractive software, you name it; under the Nolan? Michael Arndt, writer of Toy Story a continuation of the original trilogy, I’m ing. While I am a vegetarian, I am in no turkey or meats and ask if there will be some (or a lot). Wine makes the “What, My thoughts were also with New Jersey, on liv- Burlington are setting up trucks and driving down Disney umbrella, Star Wars is a franchise 3 and Little Miss Sunshine is at the writers also optimistic. The best part? If they do way judging others for eating turkey at enough non-meaty things there for you to no turkey for you?!” conversations less ob- ing summers on the shore there with mother and to New York City with supplies, or collecting mon- that can somehow flourish more than it helm of Episode VII and I have complete suck, then the original trilogy isn’t in a Thanksgiving dinner; if anything the fact eat (and non-dairy if you are a vegan). noxious. brother, far away from the city and from our nor- ey. Contact them to see what you can do to help had before. faith in him. He made the third Toy Story galaxy far, far away; it’s on your shelf, right that people like me are not having any just 2. Make sure the stuffing did not 6. Eat all the dessert! Typically, its mal lives. The family house in Sea Isle contained so out. As far as the movies go, the best film comparable to the first, a monumen- where you left it. Or on my shelf. You can means there is more for you! come out of a bird’s ass. (Really, you can’t hard to find steak as the desert of the many physical memories of my mother, now de- -Lend an ear to a friend or relative who needs movie had the least involvement from Lu- tal feat. A good writer dictating the story? borrow it if you want. Where things get awkward and trust anything that’s been in a bird’s ass at night. ceased. The images on the news showed the streets to share their story or talk it out. Listening and be- cas himself, save Episode IV. The Empire Sign me up. Lawrence Kasdan and Leigh Plus, now I’ll actually have a chance confusing for vegetarians like myself is all!) Remember that you do not need to 7. If all else fails, pull a Napoleon Dy- flooded on the first floor. ing there in times of loss is so important. Strikes Back was a complete deconstruc- Brackett were in charge of the greatest Star to be an extra in a Star Wars film. Dream: whether or not the group of people I am have a “tofurky”—personally, I don’t think namite and line your pockets with tater My family made the trip to New Jersey instead -Take a trip to New York City. Maybe not tion of Hollywood cinema at the time. The Wars story, The Empire Strikes Back. The realized. Also, I make a lot of jokes about dining with are willing to provide me with they are that great in general. I don’t like tots. (I’m pretty sure I did this in the sec- of a planned trip to see me in Vermont that week- this weekend, but maybe on your way home for big battle was fought at the beginning on second best Star Wars story? Knights of having masturbated to Disney princess some other food to eat. I have managed the taste, and they’re sort of expensive. A ond grade.) end. We, I think, had been holding our breath for Thanksgiving break, or maybe instead of going Hoth, the good guys lost when Han got the Old Republic, written by Drew Karpy- Jasmine. Now I can say I’ve actually done to alleviate this by offering to make meat substitute is not required to enjoy a 8. In general, be polite. You’re much the week. The house had been flooded, but only on home. Not only could you do some help with ac- frozen and Luke lost his hand, love did not shyn. The third best? The Force Unleashed so to a Disney princess. g my own food, and I am totally fine Turkey Day feast. more likely to be compensated with food the first level, the crawlspace and garage. Drywall tually clean up, your dollars will help rebuild the conquer all, and we learned that the ulti- by Haden Blackman. That’s not even with having anything vegetarian 3. Offer to make a dish or two of you can eat if you’re not fussy about it. g would need replacing, and so would beach chairs, shattered city’s economy when you visit. g mate hero was spawned from the ultimate mentioning Dark Empire I and II by Tom for Thanksgiving dinner even if its something you can eat, and make enough nothing more. villain. Episode IV was a technical marvel, Veitch, or the Thrawn Trilogy by Timothy not not necessarily traditional tur- to share with the other guests. Pasta is one New York, New York. overheard a conversation in b-town? was it hilarious? dumb? inspirational? tell the ear and we’ll print it. you make me nervous and awkward like when i smile somehow it’s twisted uvm.edu/~watertwr/ear.html by sarahperda but nothing makes my stomach bunch Redstone like waving to you while i eat my lunch It’s been a long, tough semes- bigger the hoe.” I am not person- fi st through the earring Guy 1: You have a drinking problem. and so maybe someday you could say something more Girl: I don’t have a drinking problem; I’m great at drink- ter, so let’s lighten things up with ally acquainted with any scientifi c is like throwing a hotdog than hi a riddle: what do male ponytails, proof supporting this theory, but down a hallway, it’s too ing. like maybe hey or what’s up or i like your eyes Guy 2: I think that’s the problem. pre-Th anksgiving Break exams grapefruit-sized hoop earrings big—your disproportionally and we can both stop being weird and Obama’s reelection all have in don’t oft en convey a wholesome small head will resemble a maybe you won’t reject me as i feared Th e L o s ft common? Th ey all teeter on the message when you live in a soci- Bratz doll, and that fad died someone on campus catch your eye? either way fi ne line of what is acceptable, and ety that judges books by their cov- many moons ago. couldn’t get a name? Guy to Girl having a deep conversation: Yeah, it was a it’s good to know shocker when I found out I was smart. what is not. Unsurprisingly, this ers. If your overarching goal is to How classy you look submit your love anonymously that now, as it begins to snow dilemma oft en occurs in fashion avoid the hoochie mama look, a when wearing hoops is also uvm.edu/~watertwr/iwysb.html i fi nally submit this i want you so bad L/L as well. Sometimes, it is diffi cult good rule of thumb when assess- fairly contingent upon the and i won’t feel like i’m going mad to distinguish between what actu- ing hoop size is the fi ve-fi nger-fi t rest of your outfi t. For ex- Your hair is brown and curly and your eyes blue like the Girl: It’s all about Gary Derr, man. He’s your best friend sea, I know you love your hockey boy but you should When: every fucking day and you don’t even know it; he emails you EVERY DAY! ally looks good, and what you just ample, if you’re Where: every fucking where want to look good. Are leggings wearing a come hang with me. “a good rule of thumb When you look at me I drown, it’s hard to stay afl oat. I saw: an average guy Slade, Wednesday Night really pants? Can L.L. Bean moc- sweater-scarf- I am: confused and annoyed casins pass for real shoes? Will when assessing hoop size is boot combo, My bed should be the next place you decide to rowE your Intellectual Young Man: I’m not into fellatio anyway, espe- boat. cially not with whales. anyone actually notice the hole in the fi ve-fi nger-fi t” hoop earrings To the assistant of a man named Greg the armpit of my shirt? can add a little When: Everyday Where: Th e gym Dont worry I’m not trying to fertilize your egg Walking towards Redstone Th is predicament also mani- sass to your hoops, never succumb to vanity a love aff air with hoop earrings But I can tell by using a punnett square fests in the form of accessories, (copyright pending). If you can rather conservative ensemble. I saw: A beautiful novice Girl on her phone: If Mitt Romney loses tonight I’m gonna jewelry. While any accessory you comparable to Amanda Bynes’ I am: Interested Th at our babies would have awesome hair have to streak across campus. specifi cally hoop earrings. Let me fi t less than fi ve fi ngers within the Conversely, if you’re wearing wear with your name on it auto- newfound affi nity for public nu- I want you so bad you don’t even know be clear: I am by no means advo- hoops, they’re probably an ac- anything resembling a skin-tight matically makes you tacky and dity (though she only streaked In lab it’s not only the bacteria that grow cating for the abolition of hoops, ceptable size for day-to-day wear. graphic tee shirt purchased circa O cracklin’ Rosie WDW Front Desk narcissistic, hoops have, by far, through a tanning salon, the ya make me smile Beneath the sheets, I want to tussle Aspring Mathematician: Th ere is a 97% chance that I had I am simply pleading the general If you can comfortably fi t all fi ve 8th grade, a Juicy Velour sweat the worst connotation attached to weenie), this particular accessory My desire for you moves past one muscle public to wear with care. While fi ngers, you’re starting to push suit, any form of sports jersey, or you’ve got mad style. sex 7 days in a row. them. If you really want people oft en straddles the line between How can you deny it, mate? It might have something to do with you being in charge a little good-girl-gone-bad is re- the envelope and might consider anything accented with faux fur, to know your name that badly, do looking cute and looking cheap. More likely it is because your brain is so large freshing now and again, no one saving them for the nightlife. Th e you might look a little like you we’ll have another lunch date In da Grundle something worth talking about Th e next time you’re feeling saucy and i’ll take a plunder Maybe it’s because I want things I can’t get Guy telling a group of friends: He was letting his cock likes to see more sleaze than is threat of unacceptability arises lean more toward the Ke$ha side like curing cancer, posting selfi es and decide to wear hoops, just be But I’ve liked you since the fi rst time our eyes met necessary. when you can fi t your fi st, arm, of the fashion spectrum, rather and come down under. swing about his promotion at Dick’s Sporting Goods. in every “Class of 20__” group, wary of the fact that you have the don’t be frigid I know you have a boyfriend and that’s okay First thing to consider is size and waist through the hoop, and than someone who’s just tryna or being “that girl” who streaked potential to cross that fi ne line these are some things I just had to say. (obvs). Th ere’s an old saying con- quite possibly utilize the acces- spice up their life with a little get me rigid. Redstone Brunch through the hockey game in the between classy and crass-y. De- Good Day. When: Wednesday Evening Guy consoling Friend: It’s not that you failed. It’s that you cerning hoops that goes some- sory for hula hooping between bling. middle of the third period. spite what others may want you to Where: Jeff ords thing like, “the bigger the O, the classes. In short: if putting your If you are going to rock the When: a fortnight ago friday were destined for your own bed by yourself. While I’m sure many have think…size really does matter. g Where: carnival I saw: A coy TA I saw: a cute sheila I am: A water tower editor Greenhouse I am: the better Kevin Guy to Trusted Mate: Remind me not to push out any farts I was very impressed by your prose this evening because I will likely shit insted. I want you (to shut up) so bad And I hope we could shed all our clothes everyday in class you talk so much To my pleas don’t be deaf Marche with your stupid fucking slurp And if your DTF Girl to Girl: I like my president the way I like my coff ee. keep your spit in your mouth Th en lets see that our body fl ows. answering 6 questions a class is never okay When: Last Week Cyber Cafe I didnt know EDSP 005 was your personal class Where: the water tower Hipster: Earl looks friendly and Speeder looks like a so literally, get out of the front row I saw: An intriguing poem DICKKK. Earl is like Ben and Jerry’s love child or some- and shut the fuck up. I am: A very interested bear thing. Speeder looks like he should be smoking a cigarette When: every education class outside of a children’s hospital...or outside the mall down- Where: waterman 413 To the prettiest girl at the water tower prom town. Yea, he’d fi t there. I saw: a self-obsessed education major I’m glad to have won the approval of both your moms by lauragreenwood I am: annoyed as fuck Th ey took pictures of us against your will At a nearby table in the Simpson Dining Hall. Our stomachs with alchohol we did fi ll Guy 1 to his Friend: She slapped the cancer out of him! I give no fucks Liquid courage for what was in store To dance our asses off on the dance fl oor I am going to assert that UVMers are generally envi- turkey at Th anksgiving, so all that aside let’s just vow to when people stare, Lafayette I know that we Th at never happened and that’s okay Professor: Never bite a potato chip and put it back in the ronmentally conscious and locally inclined. Th at’s safe to skip the meat on Monday. You met a lot of my friends anyway say, yeah? Riding this same sentiment, wouldn’t it be a rea- Th at being said, half-assing Meatless Monday is prob- are one hot pair. bowl, that is nasty! We always ask Th ey joke and ask what you see in me sonable and awesome opportunity to have one day every ably the worst way to actually reap the benefi ts of eliminat- For they reconize that you are a true beauty week be dedicated to just this. While I’m not the innova- ing meat consumption. Th e entire point of the day is to not “What are you thinking?” Redstone Hall And practice our attempts And I’m just a boy who likes to laugh Girl: He was on me; I had to smell him! tor of Meatless Mondays, I am more than gung-ho to push serve ANY meat. Yes, Brennan’s, that means the daily spe- It’s really funny when I tickle your calf forward this Recession of the Meat Revolution on campus cial on your “Meatless Monday” should probably not be a at sensual winking. I love your freckles I can’t take things seriously and you like it that way Monday, Bailey Howe (on that same vein: suggestions for the revolutions name “Th ree-Meat Chili”. I understand that Sodexo is a complex Th ey way things are, I would like them to stay are very much welcome). autocratic dictator over all food consumption on campus, and baby talk; Girl referring to Russian Roulette: Why do humans do that I blame them for Maybe someday I’ll hold your hand shit? One day of the week, arguably the worst day of the but I assert that, as the “Most Vegan-Friendly Campus”, we As best friends we shall stand. week, ought to be reenergized should be able to allow one day of our my frequent, lusty gawk. Dude tutoring Girl: How do you fi nd the horizontal as- I love your passions When: Saturday night ymptote? by this eco-friendly movement. dining halls menus’ to be truly meat Where: An old frat house By going meatless, we are go- “going meatless on a free. Other colleges worldwide have and honest will to live. Girl: Would you be mad if i bit you? I apologize for this delay- I saw: A foxy lady Dude: ...how do you fi nd the horizontal asymptote? ing to eat healthier and fresher already taken the pledge; heck if the I am: narcissistic foods which in turn will lighten monday is the ritalin of Wageningen University of the Neth- please do forgive. Girl: I was gonna get you a Christmas present but I guess our hearts and ruthlessly drag getting your shit together erlands and Yale University can do it, You instill a happiness in me not. our bodies from the pit of self- why can’t the University of Vermont? that I’ve never known; Dude: ...horizontal asymptote...? for the week.” Now please don’t destruction we induced upon Th is is a call to the school and ourselves last weekend. Instead the students. If we really want UVM leave me all alone. Bailey Howe, 2nd fl oor of letting Monday get the best of to live up to its environmentally con- You’re unlike no other- remember to check out the overfl ow Girl 1: It’s like your backpack is the same as Mary Poppins’. us, we can fi ght back the hangover, fi ght back the dread scious reputation, we must make a greater eff ort to lower the one I most adore. on the blog! Girl 2: Yeah I’m just waiting till I fi nd a small British child I want you to be my girl, of impending classes, and the usual crappy feeling aft er a our carbon impact. One day a week, no meat. It’s that easy. thewatertower.tumblr.com in there. bacon-coma. Going meatless on a Monday is the Ritalin of Th e quality of meat on campus is not even good enough to and for me to be yours. getting your shit together for the week. argue against not eating it for a day. If the school won’t go You’ve truly made water tower Layout Arguably, it would be ideal if you went vegetarian ev- meatless every Monday, then do it on your own simply to my world transcend- Girl: What can I do for you? ery day of the week; did you know a vegetarian who drives be a responsible global citizen. So, screw you Mondays, I’m Will you please be my girlfriend? Guy: Honestly, all I want is a cigar and a handjob. But a gas-guzzling Hummer will contribute less to climate not going to eat your left -over burger patties or your fried When: Everyday since we’re in public and you have a boyfriend, I guess I’m change than a Prius driving carnivore? Dude, it’s all about chicken strips and neither should anyone else. g Where: Everywhere shit out of luck. the total carbon footprint created throughout the entire I saw: My favorite babe production of making your steak. But, hey, maybe you like I am: Your “red-haired Taylor Swift ” by laurafrangipane To Mom and Dad She was a NICU nurse 6 months his junior. He was the cipher an OB/GYN who worked in the same hospital. She venti- Stretch out those hip-hop hamstrings, UVemcees, because it’s time to bring your rhyme- lated tiny mouths and lungs that couldn’t breathe on their slingin’ back to the water tower. When you work hard and play hard all week long, own. He caught their tiny arms and tiny legs as they flew, nothing puts your mind at ease better than lyric therapy. This week, we smearPeanut often backwards, into the world. They worked long hours, Butter. by lizcantrell by katjaritchie often on different shifts and different cases, as people in this field are to do. by raunchy rhymesayers Kerry Martin, MC Derek Skeet-her, and Rick Floss Let’s start with a confession: I’m an unabashed Taylor fan. I’ve been to Let me preface this by saying that I, like Liz, am a shameless fan of both of her headlining tours, I have 40 + of her songs on my iTunes, and I’ve That day, the doctor was called into the delivery Taylor Swift. I fell in love at “Teardrops on My Guitar” and never looked room. The case didn’t look good; the mother was in labor shelled out an unacceptable amount of dough for some Swift swag. I love the back. And say what you will about her country-lite twang and her for- girl. I think she’s wholesome as apple pie, down to earth, and a great role model way too early. That day, the nurse was called into the CHORUS: CHORUS mulaic verse-chorus-verse-chorus-bridge-chorus-chorus structure to delivery room. The case didn’t look good; the baby was for her target audience. every song—the girl has a hell of a Skippy on the titties, Skippy on the titties But here’s the cold, hard truth: going to be born way too early. He put on his goggles and Get that peanut butter all over your biddies Peanut butter is my favorite food knack for songwriting that is seri- gloves. She rolled the incubator and equipment for the her new album, Red, is hugely dis- ously catchy and purely fun. Never We all about the Skippy in the cities and com- And it always tastes best in the nude appointing. Late this summer and baby, not yet 27 weeks old, into the room. mittees You can put it on a banana or your dick before have I actually wished I The baby lived. It was little. It could fit into the palm into the fall, no one could escape the had seventeen ex-boyfriends who So you better deal with us, we’re creamy but we’re Or on any surface, it will always stick whimsy soundbite of the album’s first of one’s hand. It could not breathe on its own. It could not gritty So let’s go to the store, buy some nutty goodness broke my heart just so I could belt move or cry or eat. It turned blue from the cold world, single, “We Are Never, Ever Getting along with that much more punch. 30 jars or more, and we’ll make a big mess Back Together”, since it received sat- unable to keep itself warm. The doctor and the nurse did Late Friday night, I’m feelin’ alright Then pick some weed up too, that dank ass green I love her. Sadly though, our rela- not think the baby would make it. They caught each other urated radio play. When I heard it, I tionship has hit a rough patch with Man I’m dreamy and creamy, got a hot date And we will smoke it all up as we clean. was skeptical, but held out hope that visiting the baby, visiting the mother, in the NICU. They tonight her newest release. kept running into each other on this special case. the rest of the album would compen- Red is intended to be a depar- Her name is Ms. Jif and she’s just the right height CHORUS sate and would be on heavy rotation They began talking. About the small human at first, And if I play my cards right I might get a bite ture from her three previous al- and then each other. They learned to laugh with each in my headphones throughout the bums of acoustic guitar, daydream- Of that peanut butter, I might wanna nut her Got that peanut butter, it’s all organic rest of the semester. Much as it pains other, in the presence of the dangers of life, of the little Either way, Ms. Jif got my stomach aflutter. Rub it on your titties if you’re feeling romantic ing, and the boys next door for a tiny lungs breathing in, and out. me to admit, I honestly can’t find one more mature and “dangerous” feel. I might get it in quick like a good golf putter, Oil on the top, the shit’s so manic song that I don’t have to try to like. The doctor asked the nurse if he could take her to But she’s not some kind of slut I would leave in Chunky underneath, girl looking like granite But there’s nothing that makes it a dinner. The nurse was a little surprised, but mostly felt So, what went wrong? Taylor Swift album as opposed to a the gutter. Don’t buy from Trader Joe’s or you’ll get salmo- For one, the album’s all over the ashamed. She said, “No.” The doctor did not know why. I respect peanut butter, I’m not misogynistic nella collection of dime-a-dozen top-40 They stopped running into each other at the incuba- map, style-wise. Random dubstep pop singles. Pseudo-dubstep beats Especially when I rub Peter Pan all over this dick Just pour it on some hoes and call ‘em Cinderella makes an appearance on “I Knew tor. Weeks went by. The baby lived, and finally weighing What you might call sadistic is my form of Some marshmallow cream now you got Fluffer invade the chorus of “I Knew You the four pounds doctors asked, went home to its big life You Were Trouble”, and techno Were Trouble”, and the title track artistic Nutter creeps into several places. Plus, there outside the hospital. Cuz when there’s PB involved, the sex is ballistic That’s how you get freaky with organic peanut features synthesized, auto-tuned The nurse ran into the doctor. She flagged him down. are two entirely unimpressive duets: backup vocals. Nothing is real or So Ms. Jif, let me stand up and make a toast butter. one with Ed Sheeran, whoever he is, “Do you believe that women have the prerogative to That you and I will roast this land coast to coast heartfelt or even easily sung, which change their minds?” and another with Gary Lightbody of is half her appeal. When I put on a Snow Patrol. Also, her usual country “Sure,” said the doctor, taken aback. He was not sure ANYONE WHO HELPS US FILM THE MUSIC VIDEO WINS THE BOLOCO GIFT T-Swift album, it’s because I want what this was about. roots are missing; even though “I to drive down backcountry roads CARD!!Next week, we spray on Pornography. Send your raps for either week to thewa- Almost Do” almost harkens back to “I’m sorry that I turned you down before. My last [email protected] with the subject “My flow is too grimy, Ganges River” or some- in my Subaru and belt a melody, relationship was very heartbreaking and my heart was still her twang, it loses it once the chorus not awkwardly car-dance to weird thing to that effect. Best rapper of the semester wins a $25 gift card to Boloco!g is over. healing. But, I think now, I might be ready for a dinner.” techno harmonies that have no “O k ay.” For another, Swift seems to have place in anything Taylor Swift any- abandoned the one thing she’s usu- The doctor and the nurse went to their dinner. They way. went to many more dinners after that. A year later, they I run away from the label ally praised for: her crafty lyrics that I was hoping that “We Are As though if I were to use it, weave parts of her life into a relat- were engaged. Never, Ever Getting Back Togeth- The doctor, who is my father, likes to say he is a doc- It would make me weak able story. Let’s take “22” as exhibit er” wasn’t an indicator of the rest A. This song is so bad, a drunk girl tor because he likes to witness the miracle of life as he of the album, but unfortunately it’s welcomes a new baby into the world. The nurse, who is by bethziehl I hold back the flow of tears doing karaoke to Katy Perry’s latest one of the more bearable tracks. Because I cannot explain their source single could do it more justice. Swift my mother, would have said the same. Trying so hard to make an edgier, The nurse, who is my mother, believed strongly in And I’d be giving in if I let them fall croons, “I don’t know about you/But “older” album backfires and Swift I’m feeling 22/Everything will be al- the power of women. The doctor, who is my father, would comes off as juvenile. The contrast have said the same. g I hide myself right if/You keep me next to you/You gets weirder when you take into When all I really want don’t know about me/But I’ll bet you account all the covert references Is for someone to see me want to/Everything will be alright if/ that add up to a not-so-subtle al- We just keep dancing like we’re/22”. lusion to the fact that Ta y l o r Sw i ft by beckymakous Um, excuse me? Did Ke$ha just has sex now, guys. Take “Treacher- Sophia was groggy when her alarm went off Thursday her roommate, had she have come back the night before, ations. She felt like this day being cancelled was far bigger write that for you? ous”, with “I’ll do anything you say/ Sadly, this is the norm with the morning. Her limbs were heavy as she nestled around in wouldn’t have either. She tried to open it with her keys, but than her university or state, or country even. More simi- If you say it with your hands” and, her bed, trying to find the snooze button on her cell phone. to no avail. The key just wasn’t turning in the lock. lar to something of the work of the gods. Whoever usually rest of the album. The title track, in “I Knew You Were Trouble”, “A “Red”, attempts to describe the pas- The window was cracked and the cold, late-fall air sur- Coming to terms with her lateness, and realizing that makes the day go just didn’t feel like it today. She under- new notch in your belt/Is all I’ll rounded her. She drew the comforter closer around her in she probably missed class, Sophia sat back down on her stood; there were some days that she didn’t feel like get- sion of a previous relationship, but ever be”. Acknowledging her ma- burns out when Swift tries to use the a nice burrito shape. She felt like a caterpillar in a cocoon, bed. “What the fuck does this mean?” she asked herself ting up either. Who or whatever was in charge of making turity is one thing (and bound to safe from the outside world, away from all the stresses of as she looked as her phone screen. TODAY HAS BEEN the day go by had called in sick. Her thoughts briefly went colors “blue” and “gray” to contrast happen—she dated John Mayer the excitement of “red”. The relation- the day to come, and away from the crisp, morning air. She CANCELLED. GO BACK TO BED. “Today has been can- to the ancient Egyptian sun god, Ra. “Maybe he’s the one and Jake Gyllenhaal, after all), but moaned softly as she found her phone and fell back onto celled?” She wondered where this message had come from. who’s called in sick.” But then, perhaps it was some other ship wasn’t a color wheel, Taylor. Give us something concrete, please. it’s not done with any taste, no storytelling, none of her butterflies-in- The one exception to the album’s flaws is the opener, “State of Grace”, which is her bed. Sophia was too tired to notice that her phone did She tried restarting her phone. The black screen with little god, Aztec perhaps, or Greek. Sophia knew intuitively that the-stomach charm. not look the way it normally did. Instead of the little, blue white words came back. “Ughhhh, why is this happening picking favorites among the gods could be a dangerous consistent with Swift’s typical storytelling style and is the most lyrically decent The worst part, though? None of this even matters because I’ve al- track. bubbles floating around as the background, there was a to me?” she whined out loud. She wondered why her door game. ready downloaded the entire fucking album anyway. And listened to it. black screen with the words, TODAY HAS BEEN CAN- was locked. She felt concerned that her phone wasn’t work- Knowing that nothing could be done, and realizing But one acceptable song does not a superstar album make. Honestly, Repeatedly. Long as I might for the golden days of “Our Song”, “Fearless”, none of the tracks on this album would make her mildly famous, much less CELLED. GO BACK TO BED. As Sophia lay there, half ing and that her door was locked, and she had no way to that the rest of the day would bring similar results, Sophia and “Speak Now”, Red has firmly lodged itself in the back of my head, asleep, she promised herself that she would lie there for five communicate to anyone. But wait! She had her laptop. She sat down. “Well, there’s really nothing to be done at this the sensation she has become. There is no “Tim McGraw”, no “Love Story”, no and it’s only a matter of time before I inevitably come to love singing this “You Belong With Me”, no “Mine”, no “Fearless”. Not a single lasting hit, not minutes and then get up and go to class. grabbed it off the pile of previously worn clothes on her point,” she thought mildly. She knew that the day had been one in the car, too. I can’t quit you, Taylor, and right now it’s breaking my Forty minutes later she got up in a frenzy, wondering desk. She nervously picked at the pimple on her chin as cancelled, and she wouldn’t get in trouble for missing class one song that a heartbroken (or blissfully in love) girl could actually identify little heart. So for the love of god, take off the American Apparel and put with. how long she had slept and if she could still get to class she waited for the machine to start up. After what felt like or anything because everyone else was in the same boat. your cowboy boots back on. I want to hear some strong melodies, some on time. She checked her phone looking for the time, but hours, but was probably just a few minutes, a blue screen While she was completely awake, the bed did look inviting, I want to love Red, I really do, but it’s just not cutting it. It’s lazy and un- relatable breakup angst, and some blissed-out love songs. Let Carly Rae finished, without the sparkle, story, and sincerity of her previous work. Taylor, all she could see was the black screen with the same mes- came up. At the top right hand corner were the little white and she had been behind on her sleep schedule. After all Jepsen have her songwriter back and pick up your guitar again. sage on it. Now fully awake, but still cold, she was confused words, all in capital letters, TODAY HAS BEEN CAN- of those essays, mid-terms, and quizzes, and getting over you don’t have to completely revert to high school football games and your Overall Rating: 2 out of 5 cowboy boots. g momma’s porch, but you’ve gotta do something. and feeling scattered. She needed to know the time, and CELLED. GO BACK TO BED. a bad cough she could use a day off. Sophia jumped back Overall Rating: 1.5 out of 5 cowboy boots. g there wasn’t another clock in the room, and the closest one Sophia didn’t know what to do. She felt like she should into bed, snuggled up to her comforter, and fell was in the dorm kitchen. She got up and headed towards panic, but was calm for some reason. There was nobody into an easy slumber that lasted the rest of the the kitchen, only to find that her room door was locked. wandering around outside her dorm window. And she day and most of the night until a few moments Sophia never locked the door before going to bed. And suspected that other people were probably in similar situ- before her alarm rang the next day. g collincappelle

Th e condom Th e I wanna live in a diff erent era

Th e strictly for warmth

Th e OG wannabe

Th e octopus

mariel brown-fallon

NO SHAVE- continued from page 1 the cancer that men are diagnosed with the most. By 2003 their tradition fi nally caught on in Australia and they were recognized for their eff orts... but not just on a national level. Th e movement is now an international charity organization with it’s own website (movember.com) and men all around the world are putting down their razors in an eff ort to raise money and awareness for prostate cancer. But leave it to us Americans to steal such a great idea and attempt to make it our own (either this, or we were just too lazy to shave everything off but the mustache). As a result, Americans took the momentum of this organization and stopped shaving entirely for all of November. As a result, we also changed the name from Movember to No-Shave November because what the hell is a “mo”? I was left with some of my dignity as an American, however, when I read that Americans do still do this for charity. So hey, we haven’t been complete assholes about this tradition, or at least that was what I thought until I realized that around UVM this charitable movement has been degraded to a standard tradition during which no money or awareness is raised. Remember how I said you wouldn’t be criticized for just letting it grow? Well, if you don’t raise some awareness some Australians may be critical of your American- ized Movember participation. But have no fear! Th is article is saving you from such critics because now, if you’re ever asked why you’re not shaving, you’ll know and you’ll look all the better to the girls when you say it’s for charity. So, as I said at the start, put down your razors men, and just let it grow! g