SEMESTER 1 WEEK 12 26 MAY, 2010

HADRON Unlocking the Secrets of the Universe Campus Catwalk: the USyd Fashion Scene Interview with Tame Impala Countdown: Top 5 Cougars. Meow! Faking It: Drugs. Yep, drugs. 2

Walk This Week's: Walk Fashion, BabySmoke-free days: 0 CONTENTS Song: “I Know What Boys Like” by The Waitresses Phrase with most horrifically unexpected sado-masochistic HONI SOIT, EDITION 11 associations: Butterfly board 26 MAY 2010 It’s your moment Most surprisingly fruitful Google image search: Chicken Cow

The Post 03 The Arts-Hole Letters. We have some. Bridie Connellan reviews the Vampire Weekend concert. 9 The Uni-Cycle Pristine Ong gets inside outsider art at the 04 Callan Park Gallery. Gerard Vasta scores for the 1Goal charity. Lucy Bradshaw shows you how make cheese. Henry Hawthorne and Naomi Hart report Cheese! from the Manning sit-in. Jeff Li is part of the model UN society. Like Joes (Smith-Davies and Payten) write 10 in The Simpsons! up sounds in a sentence. Jeremy Leith on our fair state’s corrupt Bridie Connellan interviews Kyü. pollies. Kat de Jong on Judy Nunn (Ailsa from Confessions of an election addict by Hannah Morris. 05 Home and Away, you know!). David Mack and Naomi Hart heard what Bridie Connellan ate at Gordon Ramsay’s she said and printed it. maze restaurant. 11 06 Jacinta Mulders watched Bunny and the Tim Whelan on the David Campbell case. Wish we knew how to heist. Bull. Diana Tjoeng went to STC’s Honour. Chicken Schnitzel or Steak? Ed McGrath and Morris Schmengy fight the good (bar) fight. The Mains Jacqueline Breen on fashion at USyd. 12 The Usual Suspects 07 Arghya Gupta explains the Large THE HYPOTHETICAL: David Mack coves the media’s botches. He never Hadron Collider. 13 Would you rather really got over Monica Attard. The Lodgers Never be able toin go any higher building than the third floor Badass buddies Naomi Hart and Henry OR Hawthorne show you how to fake being a druggo. Tyler Drayton on the Rawson Cup. 14 Monica Connors counts down the top 6 cougars. Chelsea Tabart on butterfly smuggling. Always have sticky hands? Chini Ogundare for The International. FAQs The Profile 08 Lewis d’Avigdor knows what you like. What if I wore gloves? Yeah, you. They would become sticky. Laurence Rosier Staines interviews Tame Impala. What would stop me from going up another storey? The Score Various obstacles. Examples include force fields, burly Joe Smith-Davies thinks match fixing is bouncers, your own sense of impending doom and just not cricket. 15 aggressive woodland animals.

Are they sticky enough for me to climb walls SRC 16 Spiderman/actual spider style? No. This is really a lesser of two evils kind of conundrum. SUPRA 18 Bletchley Park 20 The Garter 21 - 23 EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Anusha Rutnam EDITORS Bridie Connellan, Carmen Culina, Naomi Hart, Henry Hawthorne, Ben Jenkins, David Mack, Joe Payten, Joe Smith-Davies, Diana Tjoeng REPORTERS Jeremy Leith, Tim Whelan, Ed McGrath, Monica Connors, Laurence Rosier Staines, Lucy Bradshaw, Kat de Jong, Jacinta Mulders, Jacqueline Breen, Chelsea Tabart, Chini Ogundare, Lewis d’Avigdor, Carlo Ritchie. CONTRIBUTORS Gerard Vasta, Jeff Li, Hannah Morris, Morris Schmengy, Pristine Ong, I paid $22 to get into this gay sex club and all I got was the end of my career #ripoff Arghya Gupta, Tyler Drayton, Tim Scriven. About 7 hours ago PUZZLES & CROSSWORD Ben Jenkins, Henry Hawthorne, Joe Smith-Davies, Mark Sutton ORIGINAL PHOTOGRAPHY Zeck Jones

DISCLAIMER Honi Soit is published by the Students’ Representative Council, University of Sydney, Level 1 Wentworth Building, City Road, University of Sydney, NSW, 2006. The SRC’s ion costs, space and administrative support are financed by the University of Sydney. Honi Soit’s editors and the SRC acknowledge the traditional owners of this land, the Gadigal people of the Eora nation. Honi Soit is written, printed, and distributed on Aboriginal land. Honi Soit is printed under the auspices of the SRC’s directors of student publications: Mel Brooks, Tim Mooney, Alistair Stephenson , Andy Thomas and Cherissa Zhou. All expressions are published on the basis that they are not to be regarded as the opinions of the SRC unless specifically stated. The Council accepts no responsibility for the accuracy of any of the opinions or information contained within this newspaper, nor does it endorse any of the advertisements and insertions. The Post 3 Vote or Die. assistance- that’s why they’re there. However, Lee’s wider actions in the I felt I had to respond to “Non-Voter” EDITORIAL campaign trail showed no courtesy to CONTENTS in the May 19 issue, who wouldn’t vote fellow campaigners. Not less than three HONI SOIT, EDITION 11 because the lines weren’t “short and I’m gonna put it out there: I don’t like Decidedly more up my alley is this times did Lee physically push me out the 26 MAY 2010 quick.” science. I find it weird, tricksy and too week’s other feature (yes, there are way to prevent me from approaching clever by half. While we’re at it, I don’t two! For the price of none!) in which voters on behalf of Peter Hong. Even think much of space either -– far too Jacqueline Breen talks up fashion at You’ve missed the point of voting, which if there is no rule against this sort of infinite for my liking. Oh, and I think our university. One of her interviewees is dangerously stupid. People around behaviour in the USU regulations, there the word ‘quark’ is patently ridiculous. is burgeoning design talent, Christina the world have fought and died for their is such a thing as common decency. Bouzios. The clothes from her label, right to vote. To exercise that hard-won These are all reasons why it was with Bou, display a coherent eclecticism right, people go through a hell of a lot 9 But to be fair, when Ben Tang saw one some trepidation that I approached this rarely seen in Australian fashion. It is more than waiting in a queue outside of his campaigners acting in this manner week’s feature on the Large Hadron a pleasure to feature her work in this Manning Bar, and you have the moronic Collider. How does it work? What is it? paper. he did step in (and props to him for it- I audacity to resent it because it’s not Why is it? These were all questions I had now have a lot of respect for him). It’s convenient. You must be an incredibly little interest in knowing the answers to. As for the rest of this edition, there just a shame that Lee continued to act misguided fool to write a self-righteous are some corkers; If you like your this way even after being asked to stop. letter about it to a campus publication. If you are a science dullard like women aged like a fine wine, we’ve got 10 You don’t have a valid complaint. You’re myself, the very words ‘Large Hadron something for you (page 7). Or perhaps Jo Twartz just so spoilt that you don’t realise how Collider’ won’t mean much. You might you fancy yourself to be an amateur B Com III lucky and free you are. Don’t keep that recall, however, how a group of Buzz lepidopterist (page 14). Or maybe you ignorant attitude when you become an Killington scientists filed a lawsuit in just really, really like Pride and Prejudice 2008 to halt the activation of the LHC, (Page 15). It’s all here, bitches. adult. Molly Schmengy claiming that the fancy machine would

bring about the end of the world. You’ve I am proud to have two such wildly Jason Dunn 11 is fired. gotta admit, that’s pretty awesome. different features running side by side. It Business 1st year postgraduate Dear Honi, is true that science-y articles have been Thankfully, Arghya Gupta’s article on rather thin on the ground this year… Walk it out, I did enjoyed Molly Schmengy’s article. the LHC is an accessible introduction to Our bad, we’re working on it. The point But note the factual error; Only By the what, I am told, is one of most important is that Honi isn’t meant to be just an arts chalk it out. Night is Kings of Leon’s fourth album... moments in the history of scientific paper and whatever gets your particles 12 you’re welcome! research. It seems quite marvelous, even colliding, we want you to find it here. I completely understand the aversion if I don’t totally get it. Even if for me the jury’s still out on to chalking. Too many Sundays spent science. Serena 13 kneeling on concrete. Anusha Rutnam Economics as a Social Science II human being. That destiny is why its life But I think the oldest I’ve seen around Secondly, I have appealed for special ought to be protected. is the commerce revue stuff. There’s the Last one. We consideration from the Science Faculty 14 giant MIT on the front lawns, but also and am absolutely appalled by the Perhaps I employed some hyperbole the chalking from the auditions in may promise. service. The instructions from the in equating abortion to homicide, for faculty are incorrect and misleading, the of 2008. Thank you Andrew Coleman Dear Mesdames and Sirs, they are indeed different acts. For that, and your (amazing?) chalk recipe. staff are rude and unhelpful and their I apologise. However, nowhere did I opening hours seem to be deliberately If we are to be allowed to end a zygote’s/ express any desire to bring children shortened so as to disadvantage students Jo Twartz foetus’/human being’s life by when that into the world, as Mr Watson asserted. (opening hours on Fridays are 10 am - 1 B Com II entity become conscious, as Josh Watson I’m not convinced of my suitability for pm) and when questioned, students are suggests, then we must identify the point 15 fatherhood. encouraged to miss classes to submit P.S. Vested interest disclosure: I in time when it becomes thus. Obviously their forms. produced Commerce revue in 2009 a zygote is not conscious, but surely a Yours faithfully, 16 (although – wasn’t involved in 2008) and foetus which is kicking in the womb This is completely unacceptable. Do the was producer for 2010 until recently. has some consciousness. Furthermore, Robbie Turnbull administration staff not realise that their if consciousness is the determinant of 18 BA/LLB III job is to make the academic’s and the right to life, then what of comatose student’s life run more smoothly as adults? Ought their lives be ended? I Jo, you seem opposed to causing more difficulties in 20 don’t find this test very attractive because which further special consideration need familar. it is arbitrary, as human life is not merely Honi Good, be sought? defined by consciousness, and fails to Dear Honi, The Garter 21 - 23 account for the different development Uni Bad Letter of Edgar Wakelin of every foetus. That’s why we should the Week! Please do not portray Tom Lee as a hero Dear Honi Eds, Engineering/Science III err on the side of caution and not abort of democracy. anything. There are two things I’d like to say. Yes, this particular action on Wednesday Misfiled mail. As to the sanctity of sperm, a sperm has highlighted a short coming in the First, this year’s paper is amazing, just or ovum on its own has no complete polling process, but that is no excuse the right balance between interesting Again capacity for human life. Only a zygote for blatantly flouting the rules. The interviews and silly comedy... except Dear Honi, does. A zygote or foetus’ only natural (impartial) polling booth keepers should anything by Ollie Burton. destiny is to miscarry or be born a have been the ones to provide any Thanks for returning Maisy Snuffington to her rightful, or shall i say, ‘writeful’ Love mail? Hate mail? Toe nail? the (*chortle*) spot in your papers. Remove SEND IT ALL TO her again and I will have to corner any editor I see, whether it is an appropriate Oh! I seem to have another afternoon off. Again. But [email protected] time or not, and drunkenly ramble on what ever shall Istalker do? Why, it seems my question is answered NEXT WEEK’S BEST LETTER PRIZE: The Dance, by Faithless. It’s an album. and on about how much I love her and by your unsuspecting presence, upon which my gaze now sympathise with her on a personal level. casually fixates with the power of a thousand suns, perhaps THIS WEEK: focused by the equally powerful lenses of your wire-frame Edgar Wakelin wins a copy of Philip Hui’s (Again). You’ve been warned. Also, a glasses. And yet I smell no burning hair from your big Superbia retrospective congratulations to the woolly beard, nor does your pint of beer begin to boil – editors of the Women’s Edition! perhaps you are saved by the umbrage of your baseball Submit to us. cap which is too loose by I’d say about three plastic-notch- Think you’ve got what Warm regards, button-holes. What a shame that my gaze is, once more, it takes to write unrequited – I’ll leave you to watching Pikachu battle something for Honi? Bec Santos Donkey Kong. Well listen up buddy... BA IV (Hons) you probably do. Send in any submissions to Editor’s note: this letter has been forwarded on to Think you were stalked? Send a photo of yourself to honi.soit@src. [email protected] usyd.edu.au and you may win a prize! the relevant parties. Again. 4 The Uni-Cycle 1Goal for Third World Education Heroes of Manning Take A Seat Gerard Vasta on FIFA’s official World Cup charity. Henry Hawthorne and Naomi Hart sat and watched history.

As World Cup fever is about to A collection of disenchanted kick off, it’s only natural that we students, galvanised by start offering to anyone who listens their hunger for the right to our all-knowing opinions on Harry self-volition and a Manning Kewell’s groin, Australia’s chances Burger, thirsty for the and when it’s not a good morning cooling waters of political to go to Leichhardt for a coffee determination and perhaps a (when Italy loses). cheeky James Squire, is a force to be reckoned with. Along with Australia’s recent campaign to get to South Africa, Wednesday of last week there is another serious side to saw the quiet drama of the football and it’s one that doesn’t Giving the Third World the finger Manning Sit-In unfold over demand a month of ridiculous bed four hours, from 3pm to The 180 Degrees social development 7pm, in the hope of rallying times. The Manning Red Shirts consultancy group on campus has student solidarity against the University’s teamed up with social development The global football body FIFA has, proposed plans to take control of Union “What are we protesting about?”; and agency Action Aid to deliver the in conjunction with the World Cup, bars and food outlets. there was an impressively sized rectangle campaign to Sydney University. The undertaken the task of putting its of cheesecloth onto which was painted events are all lined up for USyd’s 1Goal enormous following to good use in order An organiser and recent USU Board “MANNING IS OURS”, open for week for you to come down and get to make primary education a reality for candidate, Tim Scriven, admitted, signature by passers-by. YOUR WORLD CUP FEVER ON! all children worldwide. “We’re thinking, at this stage [3pm], it’s (NB: there will also be non-football not going to work”. Those who were involved did not take related events). This initiative works in line with one their duty lightly. In keeping with the of the United Nations’ Millennium Scriven suggested that the main difficulty trials of body, mind and spirit undergone All we’re asking at the events is that you Development Goals. In September the was that those who had arrived for the by Sitters-In of years past (perhaps the enjoy yourself, show a little support, UN will be meeting to discuss their Sit-In were indistinguishable from other, Civil Right Sit-In of Nashville, 1960, and also remember to sign the global goals, hopefully with the support of equally merry, patrons. Three things or the Indian Independence Movement petition to make the 1Goal initiative a various governments and corporations. did, however, suggest that the Sit-In Sit-In, Mumbai, 1949), the protestors reality. You could even do it now. Check Together they will work to give 72 was in full swing: a Facebook event relentlessly refused to abstain from an out joinonegoal.org and get along to our million people the right to education claimed that it was starting at 3pm; ice-cold beer, or a quick game of Super events! that we all deserve. two patrons were overheard asking, Mario SmashBrothers projected onto the “Is there some kind of protest?” and, Manning stage.

U is for UN, not Uni of Justice, the UNDP (short for General Executive Member of the Sydney University United Nations Society, the UN Development Programme, Jeff Li gets pumped about the UN moving to USyd. Unsurprisingly. or the UN Dance Party), or as an “Order, order! Do you kids want to be like the [insert exotic destination here] and your observer from one of the many real UN, or do you just want to squabble and pre-uni headache. non-governmental organisations. waste time?” - Principal Seymour Skinner. If you’re new, Model United Nations If you’re really new, AMUNC is Forget Winter School – who wants to sit (MUN) is a simulation of the workings legendary for its fabulous social in a lecture theatre from 9 to 3, only to of actual UN bodies, in which you role- events. AMUNC attracts students go home and study some more, when play as an ambassador of a country to all around Australia plus the Asia- you can spend the day debating serious the UN and work out a solution to an Pacific region. And we have lined international politics with actual human issue from that country’s perspective. up some super awesome venues for Not now, Martin beings and spend the night partying MUN is not just about giving speeches you to meet new friends and network Enough said: put down that list of with people from all over Australia and (as much as we understand that you love on an international scale. If you’ve been Winter School courses, head to www. beyond? to) but also about negotiating with your bragging about how “international” amunc.net and sign up for this MUN- fellow MUN-ers, making compromises your Facebook friend list is, how about licious event! Sign up now at www. For the past ten months, a group of on solutions and working towards a doing the same to your real friend list? amunc.net/register. Registration closes USyd students have been working hard consensus. There are as many flavours If you’ve been telling people how crazy May 31st. to bring the Asia-Pacific Model United of MUN settings as there are pizzas in your night out in the Ivy was, how about Nations Conference (AMUNC) to USyd. Parma: you can be a delegate in one of telling people about a cruise in Sydney Want more info? Head to www. It is going to happen from 10 – 16 July, the General Assemblies, the World Trade Harbour? (singing of “I’m On A Boat” amunc.net, or shoot us an email at sitting comfortably between your trip to Organisation, the International Court optional). [email protected]

MP Karyn Paluzzano (ALP, Penrith) In 2004, former MP Richard Face (ALP, made the rookie mistake of not doing Charleston) was found to have engaged FACT! her readings – the MP’s Code of in corrupt activities by misleading ICAC Conduct to be specific. Unfortunately investigations on his use of staffers to Camels are 90% water. for her, a knowing smirk was not enough create a consultancy business related to to fool the Independent Commission his portfolio, Gaming and Racing. Also, Against Corruption (ICAC), when she in 2003 former MLC Malcolm Jones Jeremy Leith smells the stench of admitted to signing false staff payment (Outdoor Recreation Party) was found State Government corruption. forms and previously misleading ICAC to have misused staff and resources Geoffrey Smith, who used his company during a compulsory examination earlier to support membership drives for 11 credit card in 2009 to pay for private Have you ever turned up late to a this month. ‘micro’ parties unconnected to his. This school fees, groceries, alcohol and club tute having not done the reading, and included The Marijuana Freedom Party. memberships which came to a grand attempted to fake your way through Corruption and misuse of taxpayers’ How dubious. total of $237,000. discussions of Kant with a knowing money by politicians will always be smirk? If you haven’t, there is a good considered particularly heinous as it is But it’s not just politicians on this Of course, if you want to go a little chance you actually go to UTS and just that: our money. However, despite illustrious list – public servants also further away from home, Wollongong therefore should probably return this the numerous cases of wrongdoing manage to pull a sly manoeuvre on us. Council is always willing to keep things copy of Honi to its rightful owner. investigated by ICAC each year, there My personal favourite? That would interesting... However, while the ‘Gong However, for us quad-bound ponces the still seems to be those ready and willing have to be former Sydney Ferries CEO may be in the same state, it’s another city perfected art may be in danger. to get their corrupt-on. entirely. 5 Reflections on an Election Hannah Morris isn’t totally jaded by the hackery. Yet.

I am a self-professed Union election to hold as a President of a USU society, tragic. I found that I knew several of this year’s candidates and their chief campaigners. In 2009, my first year at Sydney Even more surprising was the fact that, University, I was electrified by the lo and behold, some of the candidates excitement of Union election time, and were paying attention to me! From then as my friends bemoaned all the lecture on everything seemed to happen in a bashing and busied themselves with the rush. I began to receive personalized text free Sudokus I would actually listen to messages, Facebook messages and real the candidates and attempt to discern life messages from Union candidates! what this whole Union thing was all I was invited to join their Facebook about – was it a popularity contest? A groups! People would ask me to wear catchy slogan contest? Why were there their t-shirt! (A privilege I had never ZJ. rickshaws all over campus? And on been honoured with in first year) I began the Directors had been elected and the to leave home, go to your lectures and The Manning Red Shirts Election Day I would walk up and down to get caught up in the excitement of hangover had set in. I felt in a daze as tutorials and then go back home again Eastern Avenue an unnecessary number feeling like somebody important at I stumbled hesitantly down Eastern without seeing a single person you know. of times, soaking up the atmosphere university. Avenue, and could not help the feeling of Being involved in a student election whilst cheerfully allowing myself to be anticlimax that was growing inside me. I allows you to feel like you are part of harassed by different campaign groups. Election Day came and I hung around tried in vain to rationalise my feelings – something larger than yourself, that you After voting I would cover myself in Uni for three hours longer than I should of course I knew that student politics was are a member of an enthusiastic team campaign stickers as a colorful symbol of have for no real reason. I attended the in the end just politics; of course I knew with a shared purpose, and that you are my involvement in university life. Hermann’s election party and watched that the value of my friendship to these somehow important to the running of with keen interest the growing numbers people was dependent on the number the university. And it is sad that once the This year however I was much more beside each candidate’s name on the I put next to their name on the ballot chalk fades and the campaigning is over, politically savvy. I resolved to not base Excel spreadsheet, whilst incidentally paper; of course I knew that now May that fleeting feeling of importance and my vote on physical attractiveness, ruining my own chances of ever running 12th was over, I would probably never belonging disappears and you simply university gossip or the wit of campaign for Union Board by getting drunk and see any of the new directors again; of fade back into the anonymity of your slogans. Instead, I would base my vote falling over the back of a couch onto one course I knew I had been politically used everyday life. on policy! I spent many a lunchtime in of the candidates. I left Hermann’s at and abused. Manning poring over The Bull, reading midnight enraptured with the euphoria I am not writing this as a criticism of each candidate’s policies and, yes, of election fever. I really felt like I was Yet it has to be said that in a University student politics or the USU, for I suppose perhaps judging them slightly on the part of something special. as large as ours, it can be hard for it is just the nature of the beast and basis of their profile picture. However individuals to feel that collective this feeling of post-election isolation is due to my status as a second year and the The next day, however, everything had engagement and sense of belonging something I will just have to learn to live small pocket of influence I was perceived changed. The 13th of May had dawned, that we innately desire. It is just too easy with. 6 The Uni-Cycle THAT'S WHAT Out of the Cabinet SHE SAID On Thursday, the spin doctors’ mascara Deceiving covering NSW Labor’s love bites the public The best hearsay, gossip and rumours on campus. from the media melted away for the – even umpteenth time. In the inclement fury temporarily I DO SOLEMNLY DECLARE POSTMAN PAT: AN of a fresh news cycle, David Campbell – regarding APPEALING CANDIDATE? resigned in a storm of assent. For the one’s The Union Regulations stipulate that sexuality We received a note last week alleging first time this year, people started giving candidates in Board elections are hasn’t Pat Massarani was intending to launch the proverbial shit about state politics. required to submit evidence of their tarnished an appeal with the Union’s Electoral Why? Because sex – even gay sex in this expenses to the Returning Officer within the plebs’ opinion of Ellen DeGeneres, Legal Arbiter challenging the election of enlightened age – still sells. three days of the election. Elton John, Ian McKellen or Albus Alistair Stephenson, Sibella Matthews Dumbledore. The reason they delayed and Ben Tang to Union Board. The No one denies he sucked in his role This year’s Returning Officer, Ivan Ah their coming-out was through fear Union’s Returning Officer, Ivan Ah (figuratively, you perverts). Amongst Sam, has explained that this ‘evidence’ for their livelihoods That fear never Sam, would not comment on whether an a cabinet of fuckups (fuckcabinet), may extend beyond simply providing materialised. If anything, they were appeal had been lodged. he shone like the sun. Anyone who receipts (no definition of ‘evidence’ is masterminded – no, noobminded – the lauded for their courage and spurred on given in the Regulations). In an email to even greater heights. Initially, Pat told us that he was not F3 gridlock which delayed traffic for 12 to all candidates, Ah Sam suggested lodging an appeal but had provided hours or the car tax which put people at that he may request that candidates sign But put all these things together, and hell ‘evidence’ to Deb White, who Pat said the mercy of a disorganised bus system statutory declarations attesting to the hath no fury like a Premier scorned. If was launching an appeal of her own. should not be trusted with a portfolio. fact that their submissions constitute the these things are all perfectly acceptable Alistair was elected to Board over Deb He was crap. He stayed in his job for entirety of their expenses. in isolation, then why does putting them by just a handful of votes. the Government’s fear of enduring a fresh round of factional shit-flinging for together mean the death of one’s career, There are serious penalties for false dignity and respect of one’s peers? Deb denied she was lodging an appeal. an open portfolio and eventually being statutory declarations: the Oaths She told Honi she had accepted the forced to appoint someone crapper Amendment Act 1996 (NSW) imposes fines Because a shocked public seeing all these result, was happy with the way everyone still. And for that, we resented them. In and gaol terms. things in concert is too much for one’s campaigned and had moved on. this sense, pragmatists rejoiced in his dismissal. But they were drowned out tolerance system to handle. Even if they Some candidates have said to Honi that managed to overcome their contempt, Pat later admitted that Deb wasn’t by the rejoicing of righteously disgusted they would be reluctant to sign statutory however gradually, of the above criteria launching an appeal of her own, but voyeurs, which to this disgruntled declarations relating to their expenses; they are still unprepared to cop them would not comment as to whether he journalist, just isn’t cricket. that is, they are unwilling to sign a all at once. That is a challenge that our had lodged or will be lodging an appeal document legally attesting to the truth or society, sadly, is yet to be overcome. himself. Pat received the second lowest His dismissal was founded on three completeness of their declared expenses. number of votes in the election, and things. Being craptastic at his job wasn’t Though banished from the ministry, for him to gain a place on Board all the one of them. The media shrieked that This comes two weeks after two Campbell is still allowed to keep his elected candidates would need to be he had deceived the public, deceived his candidates who were ultimately seat. So why is a minor public figure disqualified. family, and this deception had allowed successful (Alistair Stephenson and him a gay old time. His professional excoriated for his crimes against Sibella Matthews) and one unsuccessful HAIL TO THE CHIEF record is what deserved attention. morality, but is still allowed to remain a candidate (Hiltin Guo) declared that they slightly-more-minor public figure? Honi has heard about three students who had breached the spending cap and were Firstly, it’s been shown that shopping in There seems no better explanation than intend to run for SRC President later penalised accordingly. another aisle does not exclude one from that Keneally, barred from firing the this year: Chad Sidler, a member of the politics anymore – or even from holding man because of factional constraints, Liberals on campus; Ross Leedham, who As Honi has previously reported, a portfolio. Penny Wong can attest to was looking for a plausible excuse. Any ran with the Whigs last year; and Tom numerous current Board directors have that. excuse. Lee, who ran unsuccessfully for Union expressed suspicion that other candidates Board last year, and, as Honi published also breached the cap but did not declare Deceiving one’s family in any sexual And that’s why this wizened turd of last week, walked a blind student across that they did so, and that even these sense is easily overcome these days even a Government is unfit to govern for the line and directed his hand to vote for three candidates may have spent even in a public role, whether through total another day. Ben Tang in this year’s Union election. more than they declared. denial or a teary contrition to Tony Jones. Bill Clinton can attest to that. Tim Whelan Naomi Hart & David Mack

from the bugs and plants they silicon, but it The Bar Fight: should be eating. Caged chickens contains nearly are essentially forced into obesity, all the amino and Ed McGrath believes in the chicken schnitzel, often with the aid of hormones. fatty acids that while Morris Schmengy is pro-steak. Who wins? They grow far too fast and die far the body needs. Not the chicken or the cow, that’s for sure. too young. Free the chickens I say! Okay so you can Morris Schmengy: As an Aussie birds by condemning them to a Well, thanks for proving my point. You name random male I feel as if it is my right, no, sorrowful life in a steel cage, barely just said it yourself, chickens are a ‘ready nutrients, but think my duty to order a steak at the pub. big enough to house a pigeon? And to go meal’ and that’s why we should eat of how much besides, you’re wrong: steak tastes them. God made them flightless so that saturated fat and Ed McGrath: If your name is Tony better! cholesterol there is they’re easy to catch, and ‘KFC family We can dream, can’t Abbott and you value being a masculine bucket’ sized so that they’re convenient in steak. we? douchebag over saving the planet, then Even if steak does taste better you have to eat. Hindus have qualms about eating go right ahead and order that steak! I to admit that cows are much worse for cows, Jewish people have qualms about Chicken schnitzel contains just on the other hand prefer to eat chicken the planet than chickens. eating pigs, but no one has any qualms as many kilojoules as steak. Lets schnitzel, not only do chickens produce about eating chickens, except for vegos, face it, chicken schnitzel is just a less methane but they are conveniently Okay, you may be right on the but who cares what they think? boring excuse for a meal, where’s cramped into tiny little cages, ready to environmental side, but think about the medium rare or well done, or be eaten without the need to cut down the ethics of raising chickens. You’re being ridiculous. I could the gravy or mushroom sauce? hectares of forest. Oh, and did I mention Not only are chickens housed in just as easily argue that cows are Chicken schnitzel is eaten solely that chicken schnitzel tastes better? tiny cages for their entire life, but only designed to be eaten, but I will by boring people who can’t handle they are relentlessly pecked and refrain from engaging in such a all the choices associated with Okay, so you’re going all prodded, making them featherless silly debate and instead inform you ordering a steak. environmental on me, but is the freaks resembling a ready-to-go of the health benefits of steak over environmental benefit of chicken meal rather than a living creature. chicken. Not only is beef loaded And steak is eaten by obese, blokey really justified when it involves They are also force fed grains with iron, zink, iodine, manganese, planet killers… kudos to you! torturing all those innocent laced with chemicals, a far cry selenium, chromium, fluoride and The Usual Suspects 7

"TAKING THE DRUGS"

The Scenario Thursday night saw Channel Seven (that family-friendly station who can do them it means “marijuana”. If they still You’re with your new friends, the cool no wrong) sink to a new low. Hidden call your bluff, stab them, and blame the ones. There appears to be forming some camera footage of David Campbell drugs. sort of informal ‘story circle’, in which learnt most about The Drug Taking leaving a gay sex club was broadcast each participant takes it upon him or Experience from tired analogies with on the evening news with the aim Try also to avoid tackling the subject herself to top the last story. The topic: Alice in Wonderland and Round the Twist, of keeping the public informed (and head on: instead, graft your habit onto drug use. Given your sound knowledge to discuss at length the ways in which sticking it to Channel Nine). Never an unrelated situation which simply of the Drug Misuse and Trafficking Act1985 the world becomes your iridescent mind the fact that the journalist who screams drug use. Your story doesn’t (NSW) (ss 10-14), there’s no way you’d playground of imagination and whim. broke the story once worked for the begin, “I was once taking drugs when ever risk taking drugs, let alone threaten Best just to say that you stole a disabled State Government and dated the former X”. No, you were “peaking at a your monthly income if your mum got child from the park because you thought Health Minister, Reba Meagher. Nor festival”, “getting high on New Year’s at wind of it. But they’re your new friends, it was a gnome. The fact that hundreds the fact that Channel Seven’s news boss, a warehouse rave party”, or “shooting the cool ones. of people all claim that this really did Peter Meakin, has stifled a story about up at the shops”. Your daily transitions happen to them only reaffirms its truth. his drink driving offences. CAMPBELL from neutral to high should seem as IS A POLITICIAN AND WE HAVE What To Say natural and probable as day begetting What To Do A RIGHT TO KNOW! All we can say night. is that when Miranda Devine reckons Pick a drug, any drug, even if it doesn’t exist. After all, the underground drug To put the icing on the ice, throw in you’ve gone too far, you have gone way What Not To Say too far. scene is a euphemism factory. Become some method acting. Measure out your a worker in that factory, and try to friends’ jasmine tea to the microgram. As the Mayans used to say “better to out-euphemism your competition. If Don’t use the microwave to heat up When the media seems to be awash remain silent and have people think you you’re in a tight spot, just start with soup, light your cigarette lighter under with young starlets with no self- are a fool, than speak and confirm it.” your surroundings and work from there: each spoonful. Stab a friend. respect, it comes as something The Mayans obviously knew how to fake got any ‘lamp’? Ever tried ‘mouse’? of a refreshing surprise that drug use with the best of them. Keeping Coming down from a ‘blink’ trip? So: follow these rules three and you teen-sailor-extraordinaire Jessica your mouth shut is the best way to avoid Riding on a wave of ‘velvet nightmare’ too can fake drug use, keeping your Waston turned down $250,000 claiming that you were “snorting weed”, (‘VN’)? Unhappy that the police have new friends (the cool ones) AND avoid for photographers to appear at “lighting up an E” or “shelving a bong”. intercepted a shipment of ‘one-eyed engaging in behaviour that’s been her 17th birthday bash. That’s a Such gaffes will do you no favours. quarter of a million dollars. She albino rainbow cake of paradise’? Of empirically correlated with brain and course you are! You’re outraged! immune system dysfunction… :) ! is 17. Just thought that was worth Don’t get overzealous in description repeating. While this may help her either. There’s a temptation, having promote a wholesome image that If they call your bluff, dismissively tell Henry Hawthorne & Naomi Hart will no doubt earn her more money in the future, we still reckon Lara Bingle should take note. TOP 6 COUGARS COUNTDOWN Monica Connors Stifler’s Mom 6 CHORAL Stifler’s mom makes the list because she made many boys watching American Pie aware of life options they never knew existed. Just like her male equivalent, Kevin Spacey’s Lester Burnham from American Beauty, the MILF of East Great Falls High claimed that 18-year-olds were “the way I like it”. Sleeping EVENSONG with her may be better than sleeping with a pie but remember kids, only one of the aforementioned will give you herpes.

Demi Moore 5 In Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore found the cougar version of a trophy wife. Together they have managed to make cougar dating look more politically correct than a Benetton ad campaign. With the St Paul’s College Chapel couple’s 15-year-age difference, Demi’s ex Bruce Willis is waiting for the day when Ashton reveals their marriage to be an elaborately planned episode of Punk’d. Tuesdays in Semester 5:45 pm Blanche Dubois 4 The St Paul’s College Chapel Choir Tennessee Williams’ temptress from A Streetcar Named Desire liked her men young and vulnerable. After seducing her teenage paper boy (think Apu’s role in The Simpsons), Blanche glimpsed the benefits of David Drury Director of Music dating a younger man; sexual impropriety, escapism and shared nap times. Despite her relationship with the paper boy going nowhere fast, there is no doubt that had pool boys existed in the 1940s Deep South, Open to All Blanche would have “depended on their kindness”. Ivana Trump 3 Ivan Head Warden With hobbies as diverse as nude swimming, Botox and ‘college guys’, Ivana Trump has sass to spare. When she isn’t skiing in the Swiss Alps, Ivana does Jell-O shots with her on/off Italian partner Rossano Location: 9 City Road, Camperdown Rubicondi, who is 24 years her junior. Host of the reality series Ivana Young Man, Ivana belongs to the cougar school of thought that if it’s leopard print, it’s fashionable.

Mrs. Robinson 2 In 1967 Anne Bancroft starred in The Graduate, seducing her neighbour Benjamin (Dustin Hoffman), who was the same age as Mrs. Robinson’s own daughter. Yes, she was a little scary but chances are she’d have packed you a peanut butter and jam sandwich before you left in the morning. Better start running boys; this mama cat can smell your fear.

Joan Colllins 1 The former star of Dynasty, Joan Collins is the ultimate cougar. Her fifth husband, Percy Gibson, is 32 years her junior and according to her autobiography, Mature and In Love, she and Percy like to spend their weekends washing each other’s hair and adding Lipitor to their bowls of high fibre cereal. Joan gets extra props for allegedly slapping Justin Bieber after he called her his favourite Golden Girl. 8 The Profile Hi, I'm Honi Soit, you must be

Laurence Rosier Staines gets electric with the Westtame Australian psychedelic rockers.impala

s I speak to Kevin Parker, the as it’s as close as possible to what they do Aaffable guitarist/vocalist of Western at home. This includes having enough Australian groove merchants Tame time to hang out, access to some wacky Impala, he’s busy absorbing the last tabaccy and, evidently, some impulsive vestiges of summer in his backyard. changing of instruments (Nick Allbrook “Interview time is sunbathing time,” and Dominic Simper – live guitar and he tells me. In fact, he sounds relaxed bass, respectively – recently switched enough for me to ask if my band can roles, and I’m told that the results have support his band, and if not then why been better for everyone). But one of the not. “You can! Just not on this tour. novel aspects of their newfound fame Because we’re bringing our friends that Parker admits to liking is having an along.” Touché. But I’m holding you to entourage. “When it’s just us four, when that, Parker. we have to make our own fun, if one or two people go to get a beer the other The tour – Australia in May, the US with two generally have to go as well. When MGMT in June – is for Innerspeaker, their there are more you can split off into little debut long-player released last Friday. groups and do whatever you want.” No But after rising to national prominence wonder they’re bringing their friends in 2008 with a four-track EP released by along. Modular Records (home to The Presets and Wolfmother), then consolidating Playing with MGMT – as they did their new position with a popular cover recently and will soon do again – was of “Remember Me” by Blue Boy in an invigorating experience, Parker says. Tame Impala, with new band member ‘Jane Doe’ 2009 that made it into that year’s Hottest “MGMT were good people. Cool guys 100 at Triple J, it seems apt to wonder who haven’t been changed by whatever with Phase-90 effects, delay, cosmic reverb I feel” – crazy bands with their obscure which parts of Tame Impala’s world have success they’ve had. That’s what I was and something called an Acetone Stereo song titles). Even the notoriously pedantic changed and which are roughly the same. wondering: whether they’d be these huge Phasor, which is apparently difficult to and hard-to-please Pitchfork Media are personalities. But they’re not, they’re identify but supremely cool. going crazy for it, and all the signs point They’re a band that seems to have kicked just really cool guys. That was really towards Tame Impala being one of their back (in as relaxed a way as conceivably inspiring.” At some points, despite knowing that Next Big Things. possible) and absorbed the different they must be guitars playing, I wasn’t pressures that one associates with different If an appreciation of comparatively ego- convinced that they weren’t maxed-out However, as with many bands whose levels of success. In the old days they less megastars and a touring motto of not synthesisers. This, he assures me, was sound recalls another band or another didn’t have their own sound guy when straying too far from what they would the whole point. But come to think of era in general, there are lovers and they played live; in terms of microphone normally do seems to point towards a it, has the whole process of writing and haters. The only genuine scorn is usually placement and live mix, Parker says, general desire to remain grounded and recording changed since the first EP, reserved for their less-subtle labelmates “we had to be a slave to the system and down to earth, there is still an occasional which was recorded to “have something Wolfmother, but Tame Impala do get just do whatever we were told.” Live healthy interest in hilarious extravagance: to listen to on the way to the beach”? Yes compared a lot – positively and negatively sound engineers can be a notoriously Tame Impala’s backstage rider consists and no. – to Cream and their contemporaries. conservative bunch, and Tame Impala’s of a puppy dog and three virgins – which requests for reverb and delay on the they decided to dispense with on the “The EP was just done for the love of “People always say we sound like the 60s, vocals were scoffed at, an obstacle that Japanese leg of the tour for fear that making songs, not for release,” Parker and I don’t mind, because I love that some bands never bother to overcome as their hosts might actually deliver – and says, “not for people to hear it. With the sound. But it’s not intended to sound ‘60s’ they get bigger. Today, however, these two in a perfect world their backstage area album there’s more of an approach. We – I like to think we’re far more evolved aural accoutrements are all you can hear. would double as a recording studio. wanted it to sound good so it’s a little than that. It’s low-fi dream-pop. Groove. Score one for clout and creative control. This mix of earthiness and surreal more premeditated.” flourishes is reflected in the music of Psych-rock.” Alas, my attempt to rile him up was ineffectual. Touring itself, Parker says, is fun so long Innerspeaker, a psychedelic melee awash I was surprised to learn that despite the flexing of instrumental muscle on the With their debut album only just released, album and the inclusion of a lot of what “People always say we sound like the 60s, and I don’t they are already planning the follow-up, sounds like jamming, there strictly isn’t where they plan to get even more cosmic mind because I love that sound. But it’s not intended any because Parker recorded most of the with synth-based Todd Rundgren-esque layers himself, while the others were off to sound ‘60s’ - I like to think we’re far more evolved tunes. “‘International Feel’ is one of our with their own recording projects. In this favourite songs now.” Parker tells me. than that.” way it was “just like the EP, except slightly “We’ll be using a lot of drum machines more professional.” and stuff like that. In fact we’ve already written a lot of the album.” As well as singing on it and playing it, Parker was even going to mix it himself Ultimately, it seems, touring is just before Dave Fridmann (Flaming Lips and something that needs to be done before MGMT producer extraordinaire) came they can get to the next project. It’s this along. “Dave loves anything that’s a bit eagerness to experiment, along with a weird. Most mixing guys would tell me to relaxed indifference to anything strictly take a running leap when I ask them to by-the-book, that make Tame Impala do some things. He’s my favourite mixing refreshing, even if they won’t let me engineer in the world.” Fridmann’s tour with them yet. As for mixing up trademark sound – warm, spacious and interviews with sunbathing, it’s only psychedelic – certainly meshes well with logical to get as much sun time as possible Tame Impala’s, as evident on the lead during the promo cycle. single ‘Solitude Is Bliss’ (the one that goes “you will never come close to how Parker. Three Page Special The Arts Hole 9 SOUNDS Vampire Weekend Bridie Connellan thinks this is one group that doesn’t suck. SNAP!

The best part about making a rather the foursome has tackled in Australia. fetching chandelier the central image As Columbia grads, these guys are smart of your debut album is how instantly enough to know that punters en masse good it will look on stage. Instant props want to hear songs they know, songs to (pun intended). With four twinkling which they have the lyrics down, and tame impala light fixtures punctuating the cavernous songs they can lose their shit over in expanse of Hordern Pavilion, the spectacularly uncoordinated fashion. aesthetic tweeness of Brooklyn four-piece Vampire Weekend was felt even before Unfortunately, Hordern was the wrong the place was full. venue. The shtick of Vampire Weekend lies in their ability to create intimate With a captivating introduction to the trinkets of sound, where the smallest evening, local openers Cloud Control guitar twang can change a bridge or displayed a kind of polished togetherness chorus into a delightfully incandescent Lazing about on the weekend rare in support acts, and for one extended gem. The spacious hangar seemed The band’s image of being preppy an almost mathematical quality to their moment the audience lost track of who responsible for diluting the wondrous collegiates was brought home by a roaring packages of sound. they really came to see. With their debut impact of the foursome’s tales of love, rendition of “Campus”, and Koenig album Bliss Release hitting shelves the next chapsticks and almond drinks. The acknowledged his main fan source: “This Fortunately for the cynics amongst the morning, the Sydney foursome could audience’s intolerance for impulsive one’s for all the students.” Conjuring bopping mass, the four-piece encored certainly expect some extra buyers after musical dexterity came to the fore with images of pressed polo shirts, Ivy League with gusto, with the beautifully nailed this brilliantly colourful set, a collection the group’s rendition of “Taxi Cab”, lawns and suppressed love between zest of “Horchata” paving the way for of ambient indie gems. Infectious single where the mood translated into a reason textbooks, the jaunt transitioned with “Mansard Roof ” to cap off the night. “Gold Canary” and the newer rolling to grab a beverage. This break in singles precision into the perfectly palatable With grins bouncing around the shed spooks of “Ghost Story” particularly was a moment of sonic intimacy that favourite “Oxford Comma”. “A-Punk” like a kaleidoscopic bout of good vibes, proved the quality of these Blue was lost in the expanse of the large sent the well-dressed crowd into a ska- Koenig coolly announced a mildly Mountaineers. venue. Keyboard solos from Rostam soaked Carribean cantina with shoulder predictable final farewell with a spray of Batmanglii transported the keen listener shimmies abounding. “Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa”. With a wink, a smile and hands up for into a capsule of dreams and quaint

Detroit, Vampire Weekend entered the contemplation, but the majority of head The spontaneity of live performance With a magenta edge completing this stage to the sounds of DJ Kool’s booming boppers seemed unappreciative. A truly is certainly not a main concern for this rainbow of sound, each colour of this rap extravaganza “Let Me Clear My beautiful moment in a less than ideal group of tightly rehearsed musicians. The infectious quartet’s set was expected and Throat”. They greeted their adoring setting. fool who attends a Vampire Weekend wonderfully anticipated. It seems the throng with beloved Contra number concert in hope of anything more than thing one must accept is that the beauty “White Sky”, whirling falsettos sending With the Australian penchant for violently two minute blasts of album content is of Vampire Weekend lies in their ability the excited fans into a cooing rush. burly anthems, the rousing chorus of swiftly disappointed, and with snugly to create safe sonic packages. Nothing Since the release of their self-titled debut “Blake’s Got a New Face” was perfectly regimented rhythms and beat control new, nothing virtuosic, nothing unheard; in 2008, the hype and avid following of catered to by lead singer Ezra Koenig; from Chris Tomson, the delivery of just good, clean, tight, brilliant, favourite the band has steadily grown, and the “We don’t have to explain it. You just favourites such as “Holiday” showed jumper fun. Horden held one of the largest crowds sing.”

Callan Park CANVAS Gallery COOK Pristine Ong goes inside the new home for outsider art. CHEESE! To get to Sydney College of the Arts, and an expert in the field. “It’s an art that Lucy Bradshaw cuts the cheese. you come in to Rozelle by bus, walk is seen to be speaking directly to a broad past the vintage or op shops that dot the public,” he explains. “The reason for the “Blessed are the cheesemakers, for they main street and turn into a path that gallery is to have an opportunity to bring shall inherit the earth” – so say Monty curves past a park. The signs on Darling examples of this work to a much wider Python, and they’re certainly accurate Sacrebleu! St might tell you that you’re near the public than just the academics who might words. Considering the hefty price one SCA, but you wouldn’t know it until be talking about it.” pays for a mere sliver of triple cream brie towel or piece of material – fold it over if you come to the cluster of sandstone (and have you seen those pathetically the fabric’s thin) and set over a deep bowl. buildings at the end of what seems a Peter Fay, a local artist and alumnus of small offerings they call cheese plates?), very lonely walk on a sunny weekend. the university, acquired and donated the the Cheesemakers’s Union could In a large, heavy-based pot, bring the Welcome to Sydney College of the Arts, gallery’s first exhibition, a collection of probably buy half of Mosman now. milk, yoghurt, cream (if using), vinegar formerly the site for Callan Park Lunatic José dos Santos works. Another exhibition and salt to boiling point. Keep boiling for Asylum for the Mentally and Criminally from last year featuring over 30 Australian But the real charm of cheese (and let’s 1-2 minutes, until the milk is curdled – the Insane. This is also home to the Callan and New Zealand outsider artists also face it, mould ain’t all that pretty) is that texture of the milk should have changed, Park Gallery for Outsider Art. came from Fay’s collection. He says, “I it’s really quite down-to-earth. Well, with stringy/clumpy bits rising to the top felt that here at last was something I was maybe not your high-falutin’ Pont- (these are the ‘curds’ which will become The gallery is the size of a small terrace passionate about and would really like to Leveque or Gorgonzola, but basic cheese your cheese). house in the Inner West, its white contribute to the university.” He added, varieties such as ricotta, mascarpone and walls and displays forming a kind of “I had no desire to buy ties or coffee cups labneh can be made with relatively little Pour the whole mixture into your lined maze. Since it opened in March last with horrible, horrible designs.” expense or difficulty in a home kitchen. colander and let it sit for 15-20 minutes. year, it has housed both Australian and Then gather the cloth around the curds international outsider artists. On May, The name Callan Park Gallery points to To make Ricotta (a soft white cheese and gently squeeze out any remaining 26 the gallery celebrates the opening the site’s history. Professor Rhodes says, which can be stirred through pasta, liquid. Discard the liquid, put the cheese of its latest exhibition, a collection of “Any Sydneysider above the age of 30 is plopped into salads, or mixed with herbs in a covered container and refrigerate for ceramic sculpture and drawings from likely to connect the name Callan Park and baked in an oven), you’ll need: 1.9 up to three days. Kevin Meagher. with mental health.” Perhaps appropiate litres whole milk; 1 cup yoghurt; (optional) then given outsider art is an international ½ cup heavy cream; 1 tsp salt; 2 tspns Similar methods work for a surprisingly The world’s first gallery for academic phenomenon practised by marginalised white vinegar. large range of other cheeses and even research of outsider and self-taught art, individuals, usually under-educated and butter. Callan Park Gallery is described as the with diagnosed mental health conditions. Line a colander or large strainer with “public face of a research venture” by muslin (or, alternatively, just any old tea- if you can’t inherit the earth, you may as Professor Colin Rhodes, Dean of SCA well widen your girth, right? 10 The Arts Hole : Bridie Connellan SOUNDS KYU joins the queue. SOUNDS Like shoes and socks, tea and cake, port touch an instrument,” says Dennison. IN A SENTENCE and starboard, some things are meant to “We’ll talk about it and say what we Joe Smith-Davies and Joe Payten keep just go well together. Freya Berkhout and want. It’s just we’re very much on it short and sweet. Alyx Dennison will finish each other’s the same wavelength and have a very Ash sentences thank you very much. With a deep understanding of one another. A-Z Vol 1 xylophone solo. When we’re together it just works.” This concept-compilation (a collection of Berkhout agrees, claiming neither 13 singles that were released individually For the symbiotic parts of Sydney could sleep the night they created on a fortnightly basis) from the PaddyPop musical duo Kyü, success has come with their first song ‘Sunny in Splodges’. veterans is replete with allusive, attention- streamers, as performances at last year’s “It’s hard to describe; the first Tête-à-Tête grabbing titles (I’d love to give in to a High & Dry Festival, This Is Not Art songs we wrote together I actually can’t even before we were making music,” says “Dionysan Urge”), but lacks in attention- and the upcoming Creative Sydney have remember writing them.” Berkhout. “I’ve never understood why grabbing choruses. made party hats a necessary addition people feel as though they have license to to their already colourful wardrobes. Kyü’s influences are relatively eclectic, criticise something in the public domain. Teenage Fanclub Dennison insists the duo would hardly as they cite “daggy Canadian harpists”, I think it’s great if you’re encouraging Shadows exist if not for the fierce competition of Bollywood superstars, indie grizzlies, people to listen to something and saying A delightfully bucolic, amiable set of the 2009 USU Band Comp, a contest and British composers as but a few of this is great, have a listen, but when hum-alongs from Kurt Cobain’s (but that saw their powerfully eccentric and their inspirations. This translates into you’re making the judgement for people, certainly no Nirvana fan’s) favourite Scots. unique set trounce 48 other acts for the a sound that is similarly undefinable. I find that aspect of the music industry crown. “We wouldn’t have written those With Berkhout majoring in Hindi completely baffling.” Slash songs if it wasn’t for Band Comp; we and Dennison having an affinity with Slash needed material worthy to compete,” she philosophy, the two are hardly shy about They needn’t pay any attention to dot dash dot Ozzy dot Fergie dot says. “We had the incentive to write music wearing their diverse influences on their naysayers. Kyü’s layered and textured Wolfmother dot Lemmy dot Iron Maiden when we otherwise wouldn’t have.” sleeves. “I guess our music is a lovechild sound expresses a unique fusion of style, dot not Guns’N’Roses dot com. of music that we’re passionate about,” as they blend world sounds, Indian Despite assumptions of a biological says Dennison. “We make music that we’d mantras and Celtic classical roots in Jason Derulo relationship, the pair only met recently want to be listening to.” one fine explosion of wonderment. Jason Derulo in English class, battling through Rolling percussion accents the serene Fifteen words into this sentence, I will ENGL1025 Fiction, Film and Power a But with such an uncommon sound in the reverberating vocals as the duo transports inexplicably write the name of the artist year and a half ago. “Everyone thinks Sydney music scene, it is not surprising the listener into an ether of Björk-ish JAAAAASON DEEEERULO responsible that we grew up together,” laughs that reviews are a point of contention for sonic bliss. The only question left for such for this irredeemable, self-serving Dennison. As Berkhout helps Dennison the duo. With their debut album set for a sound… where to listen? According to collection of faux-tunes. (on crutches) through the grounds of release and inevitable judgement, Kyü Berkhout and Dennison, their music is Sydney Uni, the kinship between the two are certainly not fans of cynical critics in a good accompaniment to walking and Gorillaz is palpable and that bond also shines in creative circles. Berkhout and Dennison sleeping. As they say, smiling in sync, Plastic Beach their collaborative songwriting. “A lot of just don’t see the point of negative listen to it “somewhere contemplative.” For their third album, the simians team the time we write a song before we even comment. “I never understood reviews up with Snoop Doggy Dogg, and Little Dragon (among others) to produce songs Judy Nunn about superfast jellyfish, empire ants and TALK “Neptune and his waterbreathers” on Kat de Jong heard from the soap star turned author. Flaming heck! the shrink-wrapped, zoologically diverse world of the Plastic Beach. I had a feeling, from how she sat with Australians and Indigenous Australians her hands over her eyes , that it might were exposed to toxic levels of radiation, LCD Soundsystem sometimes so strong that they could see have been a mistake to take my mum This Is Happening to Ridley Scott’s Robin Hood and that the bones of their fingers through their Ambitiously (and successfully) tackling perhaps I should have acquiesced when hands. “I’ve had so many heart wrenching Bowie, Eno, Iggy Pop and pretty much stories from people who have suffered she suggested we go see Letters to Juliet. As all things 70s art-rock, New York’s James as a result of Maralinga” Judy says. “I an act of contrition, on 18 May I took Murphy fuses his very obvious influences have spoken to women whose husbands Mum to see ‘Judy Nunn in conversation into another near-perfect dance record; died... Hundreds of still born babies”. with Tristan Bancks’ at Blacktown’s Max definitely one of the year’s best. Webber Library as part of the 2010 Most alarming however, was the cover up of this scant regard for human life until Sydney Writers’ Festival. The talk seemed Sleigh Bells the McClelland Royal Commission in particularly timely since only a few weeks Treats the 1980s. “Nobody really knows... If it earlier, Ray Meagher, who played Judy’s Infectious pop hooks and hip-hop and hadn’t been for that Royal Commission, Ailsa! husband Alf Stewart on Home and Away, electro beats combined with distorted I would not have been able to write that the feisty female protagonist in Maralingra, won the prestigious Gold Logie. production that roughly approximates to book”. Elizabeth J. Hopkins who rejects the ‘tears-welled-in-her-eyes’ stereotype often a bunch of metal shit thrown in a blender, However, the focus of tonight’s discussion this New York duo sound like nothing else It is therefore not surprising that following used in Australian literature. When the was not about Judy’s acting career, out there, and are most definitely worth her research of Maralinga, Judy was left predicted question of whether there is a listen. but rather her latest novel, Maralinga, with a lot of anger, as evidenced by her much of Judy herself in Elizabeth, Judy a romantic/historical/espionage story retort to an audience member’s hapless just laughs. “I’d love to be able to say, Broken Social Scene revolving around the nuclear weaponry defence of the Prime Minister during ‘Yes, they’re all me’, but no. I mean a bit Forgiveness Rock Record tests conducted in Maralinga, South that period, the late Robert Menzies. of the bolshiness might be, you know”. The most radio-friendly record yet from Australia during the 1950’s. “Well “Menzies said yes before he consulted the Canadian collective, Broken Social originally, actually, I was going to write his own cabinet, let alone the Australian After giving a brief summary of her Scene give us another indie mix-tape a book about Woomera... the long range people”. Although she acknowledges current work in progress (which includes collage that sounds exactly like what it is: rocket testing site in South Australia” says that the fear of Cold War with Russia writing “based in the mid-19th century to a bunch of people having a shitload of Judy, “and I sat down to do a little bit of that provoked Menzies approval of the WW1, about the early entrepreneurs”), fun making (very good) music. research and I bumped into the word atomic testing by the British Government, Judy draws the evening to a close. ‘Maralinga’. So I think the reason I ended Judy further adds, “I think scientists Although it is easy to dismiss Judy and her Foals up writing about Maralinga is because thought, ‘We’ve never had it so good, writing as just another soap star turned Total Life Forever I wanted to find out what happened we can get away with human guinea pig novelist, she is a highly passionate woman The Oxford quintet’s latest effort is a myself.” experimentation.’” with a razor sharp wit and her writing demonstrates a keen awareness of human shift towards the mainstream, with mixed results; at its worst, it’s stock British indie As Judy’s research discovered, what It’s not just the atomic testing that Judy rights issues. If the price of discovering blah, but at its best, it’s an expansion occurred at Maralinga was one of the has strong views on. As the evening these facts was to endure Robin Hood’s 141 of their calculated dance-punk sound, most appalling human rights breaches in progresses, her staunch feminist views minutes of battle scenes, it was well worth making the music more spacious and Australian history, in which hundreds of also come to light, which can be seen by it. accessible. 11 OM NOM NOM Maze Restaurant SCREEN Bridie Connellan has a taste of Gordon ‘Fucking’ Ramsay’s fucking Melbourne restaurant. Bunny and The art of enjoyable restaurant reviewing Ramsay; this ain’t Hells Kitchen after all. the decision to emulate Australian as an amateur (before you have to use For a second entrée nom nom, kitchen desserts did little in his favour, as the The Bull disguise to make an objective judgment) knives became paintbrushes, with a exotic fruit vacherin, passionfruit and Jacinta Mulders prefers the Boosh. is making the staff as nervous as possible. splash of enoki mushrooms, Jerusalem banana sorbet resembled a chewy Casually mention your publication, artichoke chips and finely sliced green pavlova while the restaurant heavily There’s a preferably a reputable cuisine journal, beans scattered across the immaculate markets its version of a ‘lamington’. certain irony place a notebook on the table, take a rectangular plate like a Cubist flowerbed. The successes of maze are instead found in the fact that The few snaps and watch the nerves (and Alright, so not all of us chew cud for where Ramsay has worked with resident Bunny and increased good service) appear. Attending breakfast and prefer something with New Zealander chef Josh Emett to the Bull tells UK rageaholic chef Gordon Ramsay’s a little flesh. With my carnivorous cultivate that Kitchen Nightmare branding, newly opened maze (NB. small ‘m’) compadre sampling the explosively rather than trying to put his own spin on the story of restaurant in Melbourne’s Crown named lamb cannon and shoulder, Aussie dishes simply for token tourist- a bullfight, because there’s only one way to Metropol was certainly made much more cauliflower puree, anchovy, and stinging pandering sake. describe this film: weak. interesting with a friend from a highly nettles, word has it things in meat country regarded travel magazine; spoiled is an are wondrous. On the vegie patch, With a décor of rich magentas, greys The director, Paul King, is responsible understatement. Ethics? Hell, we were cumin roasted cauliflower was the main and blacks, this slick little hub of the for directing the cult BBC comedy series The Mighty Boosh, and expectations are starved. And power-hungry. attraction, and the elegant way this Southside is sure to raise the bar of vegetable was roasted and arranged, with celebrity cheffing in Melbourne, while unquestionably high. Indeed, King is doing À la carte is not a menu option here; sautéed almonds and jus, was delightfully surprisingly affordable pricing keeps this nothing to dissociate himself from the series; you sign up for the long haul mini- fresh and perfect for daylight dining. And brightly-lit the phrase ‘from the director of The Mighty degustation. From the outset, selection look it’s a small finnick, but the restaurant sunroom Boosh’ is branded all over every piece of and sides are distinctly Ramsay, with a who upkeeps water refills gets my mark. accessible distribution material out. serving of bread arranged to look like the Kudos, pourers. to the most Sydney Opera House. blasé cash- In the case of this film, any comparisons We signed up for three courses, and by strapped to the Boosh are to The Bunny and the Bull’s With a wink and an accusation of being gum the sweet tooth was achin’. For the student. detriment. Instead of short and sharp a ‘token vegetarian’ our host provided the cocoa-alcoholics the lure of a chocolate Fake it until episodes which sparkle with the dynamism initial delights of luncheon. Beetroot is cremeaux and banana bread, macadamia you make of Noel Fielding and Julian Barratt, The hot right now, and with Ramsay placing nuts and pearl barley ice cream was too it, budding Bunny and the Bull presents a sloppy rendering this entrée on both the vegetarian and much to resist. This little baby was one reviewers. of the road trip genre, starring Edward meat-eater menus, it just had to be for the collaborative taste sensation, with Hogg as the introverted recluse Stephen and nibbled. Behold! Sunhats of marinated the best possible result coming from a maze by Simon Barnaby as his best friend Bunny (For beetroot atop turrets of goats curd, spoonful comprising all elements. Gordon Ramsay is now open at those who are interested – Lance Dior and cabernet sauvignon vinaigrette and Crown Metropol, Southbank, VIC Howard Boom in the Boosh episode, “The toasted pine nuts. Touché mu’fu’in Unfortunately for Ramsay’s Oz venture, Power of the Crimp”). The film is set in the apartment of Stephen, who hasn’t left his house since a road trip with Bunny the year before. Over the course of the film, objects and delusions in the apartment trigger Stephen’s memory, taking the audience back STC'S HONOUR in a series of instalments which detail the STAGE duo’s adventures around Europe. On the Elizabeth Schaffer gets honour bike. BOOM! way, they pick up Eloisa (Verónica Echegui), the token kooky Spanish girl who says ‘fuck’ a lot and then incidentally, fucks both the The gut-wrenching, frustrating and plays a Sydney Uni student and is thus leads. achingly beautiful Honour can turn anyone undeniably nifty. into an analytical, emotional wreck. Or The film does have some funny moments, it could make you laugh – it depends on Sophie looks on sceptically from the but not as many as are intended. There seem your mood really. sidelines and you want to shake a little to be a little too many gratuitous Boosh throw sense into her when she openly wishes to ins, which would be fine if King could pull The Sydney Theatre Company’s be more like her father’s new lover. She them off; they just don’t work so well in the production explores the collapse of assumes the role of the play’s black sheep absence of Fielding and Barratt. Bestiality, Honour (Wendy Hughes) and George’s perfectly. this point quite effectively. random hitchers and toilet humour just don’t (William Zappa) 32-year marriage. seem quite so snazzy. Although Hogg is good These two were the poster couple for Honour is fiercely intelligent and has In fact, the only thing that wasn’t in the character of Stephen, Barnaby as unconditionalPRINT love and if the phenomenal captivated audiences from London’s West realistic about Honour was the astounding Bunny gives a totally annoying performance, set, which would hold its own against End to Broadway. It retains the fresh style geometric set. Made from illuminated resulting from the dopey insensitivity of the most Biennale works, is anything to go by, and haunting insight that typifies writer beech-wood poles and a few white steps, character coupled with Barnaby’s inability to they were pretty comfortable in life too. Joanna Murray-Smith’s other works, this was symbolic stage design at its arty act it well. And they were smart – super smart. Bombshells, Rapture and Female of the Species. best. It allowed the characters to be in their own worlds as scenes merged fluidly On the plus side, the film looks quite good. So, even when the stunning and astute Joanna’s writing is fast paced, cleverly into each other. The sets are very inventive and follow Claudia (Paula Arundell) makes an structured and lyrical. When George in the tradition of Boosh-esque scrappy appearance, with her quirky boots and foolishly admits he’s being ‘generous’ in Honour asks its audience to question their collage of paper and cardboard. Aside from husky voice rising out of the opening dividing everything equally in the divorce, ideas of career and relationships and the contributing to the film’s charm, they are darkness, the split is anything but ignoring Honour’s numerous career ambiguous distinction between love and also effective in distinguishing the scenes expected. The home wrecking Claudia sacrifices, the audience’s scoffs literally passion. Indeed, Claudia’s view that love from Stephen’s memory from those inside his really doesn’t give journalists a good lifted the roof. I can’t remember the comes from knowing that the other person apartment. name. last time a script has caused that sort of couldn’t cope without you is disturbingly reaction … every night! thought-provoking. This is 90 minutes of Nevertheless, the visuals are not enough Regardless, your heart goes out to Yale insight you don’t want to miss. to maintain interest for the length of a full Stone, who plays the loving daughter However, you get the feeling that at feature. Additionally, the film is capped by a Sophie. Her vulnerability is palpable times Honour hits a little too close to denouement that’s as clichéd as waking up and every line of dialogue she utters is home. The exploration of gender roles, and finding out everything was a dream. drenched in emotion, disappointment sexuality, intellectual snobbery, regret and Honour plays at the Drama Studio, and self-doubt. She is brutally honest insecurity are bleak but real topics. The Sydney Opera House until May 29 It just ain’t worth it. Binge on Boosh instead. yet alarmingly familiar and this makes sheer amount of ‘wriggling in seats’ and her oddly beautiful to watch. She also nervous laughter during the play proved 2.5/ 5 12 The Mains Jacqueline Breen chats with fledgling fashionistas from across Sydney WHO WHAT WEAR Uni in an attempt to get under the skin of why we wear what we wear.

Deep thinking goes on behind these apathy. Substantial fashion discussion Building rocking knickerbockers on bunch of missed classes. “I’ve had so sandstone walls. Big questions are does not take up much space at Sydney a fixed-speed bike (him) and finger- much fun and learned so much, but it asked at this university, and thoughtful University, and yet its manifesta- perms with a fur stoll (her). is a huge juggling act,” Christina says answers carefully developed. Schol- tions and implications are walking all of her commitments to the label and ars and students debate the ethics of around you. Josh is also full of praise for Christina her studies. “At the best of times they stem cell research, the philosophy of Bouzios (Arts student by day, fashion balance well together as they utilise identity, the rule of law and the politics On the whole, fashion blogger and designer by night). For Christina fash- completely different parts of my brain, of art. Here, great minds are nurtured USyd Arts student Josh Whiley is ion is a lifestyle, a career path and an but time management can be really and tested, mapping out the past, pretty impressed with the sartorial all-consuming passion. The 20-year- tough. I don’t want to give up on either present and future of our world. One savvy of his classmates. Inspired by the old International and Global Studies of them, so I keep working on balanc- question, however, divides us like no street-style blogging phenomenon Josh student is the proud parent of a fash- ing both. I want to grow up and learn other, and a definitive answer remains picked up a cheap disposable camera ion label that has been bubbling along and live and pour that into the label.” elusive. Tights: are they pants, or are last year and started snapping pictures over the last year. Bou took its first big they not? of his housemates playing dress-up steps into the fashion world last month Diverse experiences are valuable tools (peachesandluigi.blogspot.com). His with a show at a youth arts festival in in creative pursuits like fashion accord- Discussion of fashion on campus passion for fashion started when he Chippendale, and Christina is still get- ing to Mark De Vitis, the Costume and generally hinges on the above lame was schlepping it in retail: “being a ting her smiley head around the roller Fashion tutor from Sydney University’s flash point, and is occasionally reduced giant lame-o when I was 16, I started coaster ride. “Like your typical Arts Art History Department. “In my class to the tired geographical stereotypes working at General Pants, which is not student I left it all to the last minute,” you get such a diverse combination of too often paraded across these here the greatest introduction to fashion. Christina says of her pieces created for students who bring a such rich range pages: if you’re wearing a tracksuit I’m from Wollongong and I used to the show. Today she’s perched at the of material and experience from their you’re from Penrith, if you’re rocking spend a lot of time in board shorts. grassy end of Eastern Avenue, swathed other studies,” he says. (For those a top-knot you’re from Darlinghurst, if Working in a chain store reveals just in black with a Japanese print top, af- of you playing at home, he’s a total you’re dripping in pearls you’re from how shit, boring, commercialised and fectionately greeting every second per- styler. At our interview he wore tan Mosman and if you’re not wearing utilitarian fashion can be, but it’s not son that strolls by. She’s nursing a bout brogues, beige chinos, a collared shirt nothing you’re a college fresher. What all bad. I also realised how everyone of glandular fever, which she acquired and tortoise-shell eye-glasses. Interview a science. could interpret things in their own way, through juggling a seedling fashion decorum only just stopped me from and I thought that was really cool.” label with full-time university. reaching forward to stroke his soft grey For some of you the fashion focus can cashmere sweater. Swoon.) stop right there, but for many others He took his cue from The Sartorialist/ Bou started small back in 2009, when clothing means something more. For Facehunter/StreetPeeper crowd, but Christina began designing the clothes “Their studies from outside my class- Coco Chanel, “fashion is not some- is bored by their predictability (there’s she couldn’t find on the rack. “Bou is room make for really lively discussion, thing that exists in dresses only. Fashion only such much you can say about all about the loophole,” Christina ex- and you get a real mix of ideas that I is in the sky, in the street; fashion has chinos and pocket squares). Josh also plains, thinking back on the origins of don’t think you’d get if you were study- to do with ideas, the way we live, what felt passionate about using his blog the venture. “I’d be getting dressed and ing straight fashion,” Mark says as we is happening.” Depending on your to lower the barriers to entry into the I’d think, ‘I wish I could wear this’, or, discuss the benefits of a broad educa- philosophy you might call this shallow seemingly exclusive world of fashion. ‘I wish someone had designed that.’” tion in liberal arts. “Gender Stud- wankery, or you might call it a grace- “Sometimes it seems you’re not right She decided to tackle these gaps in the ies students in particular offer really fully spiritual approach to one of the for the industry unless you’re 6”4’, market herself, and with no practical interesting material about the inter- world’s most accessible and personal blonde and named Agyness Deyn,” training but plenty of flair she began pretation of the body.” Mark says that art forms. Josh says of the rag trade’s reputation designing pieces and experimenting fashion theory is treated respectfully for vanity and materialism. “I wanted with colours and textures. She’d sell in Sydney’s academia, and is rapidly Everyone around you has chosen what to show that you didn’t need an her one-off wares at local markets and growing visual culture discipline on the to wear today, and they expensive camera or hot legs to enjoy galleries, and soon became interested global scale. chose it for a reason. fashion. Obviously if you get Karl in developing a narrative for her collec- Indulge my semiotics Lagerfield to make a dress, put Kate tion. That’s when the City of Sydney On campus, fashion operates on many for a second, because Moss in it and whack her in front of came calling, and Christina won a slot different layers (and textures and clothing choice acts an expensive camera of course it will in their 2010 smARTarts Youth Arts colours and styles). You’re as a cultural marker look amazing. The more interesting and Culture Festival. not a fashion victim if signifying your tastes, challenge lies in making you follow it, and you’re values or beliefs. something uncool look Drawing on inspiration from not uncool or snobby Fashion is an exter- amazing.” He’s pleased emotions, movement and if you don’t. And in nal expression of the to see the creativity and personalities, Christina case you’re wonder- internal you, and playfulness youse set about developing the ing what camp I’m that applies equally guys deliver on character of Bou. As the in, well, I believe in to the disinterested Eastern Avenue deadline drew near she freedom of expression. I and the fashion every day, and threw herself into cutting don’t care if that means die-hards. You com- he’s particu- and sewing, and when the tights, top-knots or tartan municate something larly taken with final model left the runway kilts: if it makes you feel about yourself through a duo he calls ‘the Christina earned herself good, wear it loud and your clothes, whether peasant couple’, who a whole lot of pride and a proud. that be inspiration or get about the Mills 13

Arghya Gupta takes a closer look at the world’s biggest science WHO WHAT WEAR HADRON experiment – and the Sydney Uni physicists involved. On September 10, 2008, 200 metres Controversy still plagues the machine under the ground of Switzerland and which was based on the brainwork France, an Earth-shattering moment of the European Council for Nuclear occurred. Two beams of protons com- Research – the same group also pleted a 27-kilometre circuit around partially responsible for the creation the world’s biggest science experiment of the internet. It was supported by apparatus, the Large Hadron Collider. funding and design ideas from over While it was perhaps more Earth- 100 countries, totalling a budget of defining than Earth-shattering, and $9 billion, and a lot of ideas, includ- it took less time than a conventional ing experiments such as ‘A Toroidal moment, it set in motion the wheels LHC ApparatuS’ (or, ATLAS) and ‘A for what could still be the pinnacle of Large Ion Collider Experiment’ (more A section of the 27km Hadron tube circuit human achievement – discovering the conveniently, ALICE). While both huge number of collisions are interest- might use to buzz, on a relative scale, creative forces which created the lands these experiments, and potentially nine ing enough to keep, and on the ‘Grid’ protons are exponentially smaller than we stand on, the stars we orbit, and the others, are under the LHC umbrella, which makes sure that all of the data mosquitoes. Currently, and for the galaxies that surround us. they all use different parts of the big is efficiently passed around the world, next 18 months, the plan is to run the tube, as well as other smaller accelera- and that all of the computers pro- beams at 3.5 TeV, already the highest But the initial high was short lived. tors outside the main collider in order cessing the LHC data are operating energy that proton beams have ever Nine days after the first beams were to shoot beams into the 27km circuit. correctly.” been fired. fired, excessive heat caused the mag- The ALICE, for example, is focussing nets in some sectors to bend, spilling on heavy ion collisions, and hoping The main goal of this experiment is to Speaking to Honi after this year’s ener- liquid helium and causing the loss of to see quark-gluon plasma generated. detect the ‘Higgs Boson’ – the hypo- gy increase from 1.18 TeV to 3.5 TeV, the vacuum state in which the particles This would occur if there was enough thetical particle meant to explain many CERN spokesperson James Gillies said flowed. energy and heat to stimulate such con- of the inconsistencies in the Standard that energy levels weren’t so much the ditions, creating what would essentially Model of physics used to explain the problem, but lining up the beams so “The LHC is a complex instrument,” be a dissection of the most basic units universe. But even if the Higgs Boson that they would hit each other after said Peter Limon, from the Fermilab of the universe as we know it. isn’t detected (though there is a 50 – circling the LHC was. Regardless, they USA research team working on numer- 96 per cent chance it does exist), the want to slowly increase the levels so ous LHC projects, in a statement last The ATLAS, on the other hand, is ATLAS experiment will not be a waste that a US$29 million error, like the year. “Events occur which stop opera- focussing on massive particles being of $550 million. one which occurred in 2008, does not tions, especially in the early phases.” created during collisions of extremely come into play again. high energies. “We know most of the universe is The project was put on suspension un- made up of stuff that we haven’t The LHC has attracted quite a bit of til November 2009, when low energy “Basically we want to find the origin of detected,” says Prof Varvell. “Dark press about its abilities to maybe one beams were once again sent around mass,” says Associate Professor Kevin matter particles ... supersymmetric day provide an answer to the universe, the tunnel at low speeds and in mild Varvell from the University of Sydney’s particles which overcome known short- or at least a stepping stone. But aside conditions. This year, the conditions School of Physics. Professor Varvell comings of subatomic theories, and from an error-riddled depiction in were amped up to allow scientists to leads the team of University of Sydney also, extra dimensions.” Dan Brown’s Angels and Demons, the start the research which may provide researchers involved with the ATLAS LHC and its projects are set to, and something akin to what may have been Project, currently totalling nine, five While Varvell slews extra dimensions have already, performed some of the seen at the start of the universe. But of whom are PhD students. The team off as matter of fact, there are worries most amazing feats ever achieved by the LHC is more than just a big sci- make sure that the ATLAS experiment over the energy levels and hypothetical humankind. ence stunt. is running smoothly, along with about conundrums which could result. 150 teams from around the world. But Liquid nitrogen has been used to cool While some argue that the Hadron is in Australia, only the University of “There are some concerns over the the magnets down to one degree above just a big tube in Europe that could Melbourne provides any company. Large Hadron Collider, and that’s absolute zero. Human planning has potentially cause the end of the world, understandable, given its size,” said sent beams of protons out at 99.99 per most of these suggestions are exagger- “We helped participate in the design Dr Bruce Yabsley, an ARC Research cent of the speed of light. Vacuums ated and unrealistic. and construction of the Silicon Central Fellow on Professor Varvell’s team, at as empty as the farthest reaches of Tracker (SCT), which detects the an earlier stage. “But the [fact is] that outer space have been created. And “The media gets a headline, then particles as they emerge from the col- the collisions occurring in the collider of course, the end result of over 600 forget about the real science”, a com- lision centre of the experiment,” adds are at low energies in the wider scheme million protons colliding with each posed Dr Karl Kruszelnicki said when Professor Varvell. of things.” other every second, at temperatures quizzed about the matter by Honi. 100,000 times hotter than the surface “The main thing people are worried “Now that the experiment is running, The energy behind firing proton of the sun, concentrated in the most about is that at such high energies, [we] help run the detector by taking beams is slowly being increased to the miniscule of places. They haven’t quite particles which collide could lead to our turn sitting ‘shifts’, both at CERN proposed 7 TeV (teraelectronvolts), reached the Big Bang just yet, but a disaster scenario ... such as a black and remotely, to make sure that the which when two beams collide, will they most certainly have shown what hole. Cosmic rays have been hitting the detector is operating properly. result in 14 TeV collisions. While that human intelligence is capable of when Earth at the same energy for billions of is equivalent to the same amount of the collective minds of the world’s best years, a hundred thousand times a day, “We take shifts on the SCT, on the energy which a handful of mosquitoes researchers, including the University and we’re still here.” ‘Trigger’ which decides which of the of Sydney’s team, are put together. 18

14 The Lodgers THE INTERNATIONAL COLLEGE Chini Ogundare gets global. levels of government. Tyler Drayton uncovers the secret recipe to College footy. As tempting as it is to be In light of recent crackdowns on sceptical about the likelihood of the It’s that time of year again when and Gordon Ramsay neck himself with student visas and rising tuition costs students’ suggestions being realised the whole world stops to hold their his own Miracle Blade – and that’s all for international students, along through government policy, the formal collective breath in anticipation of the before the bagpipes start to wail. with the repercussions of last year’s outcomes of last year’s roundtable most exciting thing on the RPA side of brutal attacks on Indian students, the should be irrelevant to how we, as Eastern Avenue: Rawson rugby. On the Let’s turn to the celebrated How to Cook a article offering advice to International students, apply what was discussed. eve of the second set of matches, we Rawson Rugby Team for Dummies for some Students in Honi’s last issue could should recap the season so far and delve much needed guidance on the matter: not have been more welcome. That Admittedly, addressing some of these into just what makes the boys tick. said, there are many more issues issues is beyond the control of your Paul’s – Add 250 law students. Pick out beyond those aforementioned that average uni student, and there is only Last week, it quickly became apparent those with chest hair for the team and are contributing to the discomfort so much we can protest; however, that the Drew’s cheque book was a let them simmer over past glory. experienced by international students it is not beyond our means to get little bit thicker than anticipated as across Australia. acquainted with international student they managed to scrape a very narrow John’s – Ordain Sam Carter as Pope circles and extend a hand in friendship. win over a tough Wesley team (more and add a sprinkle of Catholic funding. In September last year, the You may snort at the cheesiness, but impressive given the fact that one player Australian Government convened an also consider how much establishing got carted off in an ambo after coming Andrew’s – Poach the majority of the International Student Roundtable to a network of local friends can prove out second best to a Wesley kneecap). GPS 1st XV, scramble the offshore address the issues facing international a great comfort in a foreign place. An hour later, in an upset victory, the accounts and fry the opposition. tertiary education. It was agreed Indeed, it can help alleviate the Johnie’s boys also emerged victorious that matters pertaining to the cost feelings of loneliness and isolation from the rubble of Paul’s forward pack Wesley – Try to play clean rugby. When and quality of education received by that currently hound too many and added to the woes of the Paulines’ everything inevitably goes sour, just try foreign students, their access to basic international students and detract from unimpressive Rawson campaign. to break shit. life services and information, the their experience at Sydney University. fairness of the treatment they receive However, when push comes to spear At the end of the day, footy season in their institutions of choice, and the The article featured in the previous tackle, the real battle for college surely demonstrates everything great ease with which they integrate into issue highlighted language difference supremacy occurs off the field. The about Rawson sport; the spirited banter, Australian society, were in most need as a major barrier to academic increasingly ‘subtle’ and ‘delicate’ banter the strictly hetero bonding ‘experiences,’ of attention. excellence for many foreign students. issuing from the stands would make and Wesley losing. Again. While this is a given, having a healthy Chopper Reid tear off his moustache A number of recommendations social life is just as conducive to better were proposed by the forum of academic performance. Local students international students to address these are often too quick to point out that issues, all of which were welcomed international students tend to “stick by the Minister for Education, Julia together”. This may well be true, but Wanderlust Gillard, amidst promises to have them what is the glue? Chelsea Tabart fluttered by. reviewed and considered at various Whenever I used to watch Border Security, I was simply positive I would never STUFF USYD be one of ‘those people’ to have an claim to poverty and less argument with Customs. STUDENTS LIKE likely to admit that they don’t deserve this money. Border Security-style disputes always No one suspects the butterfly! #47 FREE MONEY FROM seemed completely preventable to They gave me back the butterflies and THE GOVERNMENT All this doesn’t stop the me. Customs-avoiding conduct can be I held them on my lap throughout the University of Sydney students love free USyd student resenting distilled into three simple rules: thirteen-hour flight. As we landed, I money. Despite the fact that 90 per cent that once a fortnight they have to 1. Don’t draw attention to yourself ticked the usual series of ‘no’s on the of us went to private schools, residing log online and declare their income. (think more ninja, and less Michael Customs Declaration form and waltzed in family mansions in the East or North This is actually the main reason why Moore). happily, butterflies in tow towards the Shore, Youth Allowance is seen not as a USyd students get cash-in-hand jobs: 2. Don’t make a false declaration (this ‘nothing to declare’ gate in Sydney. I privilege, but as a right: a right won by they never have to declare income. course of action also has positive was told I was going to be searched. those erstwhile yet marginalised student This aversion is based on the student’s legal consequences). Lesson two: when carrying mounted activists who demanded a better future. incompetence and irrational fear of 3. Don’t fight the man (because you insects, especially directly in front of you, Well the future is here. It’s bright and forms. ‘Bureaucraphobia’, we can call won’t win). you do have something to declare. Rule rosy for the USyd Student. this condition. two broken. Moments worthy of lowbrow television Youth Allowance and its sexy The recent changes in Youth Allowance seemed to be for the ‘other’ types of Customs considered the butterflies. bedfellow “Rent Assistance” are vital have made the student’s condition only people: the idiotic, the degenerate They took the glass off piece by piece, to maintaining that bohemian lifestyle sweeter – at least for those who already and the histrionic. This was until the and asked if they could run them associated with moving out to an receive it. It’s become harder to qualify butterflies. through the scanning machine one more authentic Newtown, Glebe or Surry Hills (students can no longer simply take a gap time. I said yes, but asked them to be terrace. They allow USyd students to year and earn $18k) but they get much It was mid-January, and I was bringing careful. Without lifting the ubiquitous enjoy the street cred which comes from more free money if they do, including 12 mounted butterflies home from plastic strips, they scanned the butterflies. living down the back of Erskineville a $600 a semester ‘scholarship’ in 2010 the United States. I had completely They came out completely ruined, a without any diminution in their lifestyle. which will double in 2011! forgotten they were in my bag, until kaleidoscopic disarray of shredded You can almost hear the law student a Customs Official at San Francisco wings. reminiscing in ten years’ time, à la This all makes the USyd student International, who bore a striking Malcolm Turnbull, “I lived in a four immeasurably happy. But it’s not simply resemblance to the Incredible Hulk, I was hysterical. I threatened to report bedroom sharehouse with five other about the money. As it’s now harder asked to search it. It was filled with them for being careless. They said they people!” to get on, they must surely deserve it. broken glass, and half the butterflies were already broken. I said there was no Paradoxically, the more money they were sliced into small translucent pieces. need for that to happen. They said, girl, Deep down, however, most students receive, the more they truly believe that I was devastated. you signed a false declaration. We are know that student poverty is a myth – they really are a poor struggling student. trying to help you here. You could go to just check out Bronwyn Cowell’s article I took a photograph for travel insurance. jail. Lesson three: seriously, don’t fight in the most recent edition of The Bull. The USyd student no longer has to save The Hulk grabbed my arm and bruised the man. Rule three broken. The USyd student knows that Youth for SE Asia, as this column stated last me, swore at me and threatened to call Allowance’s primary purpose is to buy week. They simply have to not spend. the police. Lesson one: you don’t take I took a taxi from the airport, sans cocktails at Kuleto’s. However, this only photos in airport security in America, butterflies: the perfect candidate for makes the student more insistent in their Lewis d’Avigdor unless you’re an idiot. Rule one broken. Border Security. The Score 1519

“Elizabeth Bennett is like A SPORTING CHANCE nobody else on this planet!!!” Joe Smith-Davies talks corrupt cricketers. (Storms out of room) - English Tutorial

It just didn’t seem quite right. In footage of a Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB) inquiry leaked to a television As the Pakistani middle order collapsed network in Pakistan, Senior Pakistan more easily than a summit meeting on coach Intikhab Alam and manager the Kashmir, I was astonished and, to be Aaqib Javed said they thought quite honest, a little suspicious. bookmakers might have been involved in determining the eventual outcome of the Kamran Akmal plays ‘Simon Says’ very seriously I had attended the first day of the 2010 match. SCG Test and watched spellbound as spinner Danesh Kaniera was recently the guile of Asif and the pace of Sami Particular mention was made of arrested in connection with a police Jane Austen fanatics say the made a mockery of the Aussies’ New Kamran Akmal’s exploits during the investigation into betting on English darndest things Year’s resolutions. The Pakistanis were match, especially a run-out that Aiqib county cricket, and Shahid Afridi’s diet imperious that day, utterly ruthless under “couldn’t believe” Akmal missed. seems to consist entirely of meaty sixes gun-metal skies. and the irresistible temptation of an If, as your tabloid cliché-monger would unadulterated seam. Somewhat ironically, given the unerring have it, there’s no smoke without fire, FACT! drabness of the weather and the pitch’s Akmal was as vaporous as the Wicked Mind you, the recent World 20/20 could ample moisture and verdant hue, it Witch of the West (post-dousing) as he really have done with some tampering of There is no alcohol in seemed as if they were at home, dictating grounded chance after chance. balls, results or otherwise. terms with an air of quiet nobility to the red wine. boorish colonial boys. However, whilst Mohammed Yousef and The 15 or so people that turned up to Younis Khan were banned indefinitely each match may have created a “carnival This deeply impressive first day from playing for Pakistan for their atmosphere” in the modern-outdated performance was why their abysmal role in the Antipodean nightmare, bric-a-bracs that are West Indian cricket fielding and abject second innings Akmal escaped suspension and played grounds, but the action out on the field At least we beat the Pakistani fair and capitulation seemed nigh impossible, at every game in Pakistan’s unsuccessful felt very samey. square this time, with Mike Hussey least in cricketing terms. campaign to retain the 20/20 World bludgeoning an almost impossible Cup. With most matches occupying the 23 runs off the last over to snatch an In light of recent developments, it graveyard slot on the Australian TV unlikely victory. Nothing fishy about that. seems more and more likely that the I’m not sure if it’s the board or the guide and cricket already dangerously Oh, wait. impossible became possible not through players, but Pakistani cricket has serious close to super-saturation point in this shortcoming of technique or application, integrity issues. country, the whole event was reduced No matter, England winning the whole but of morals. to a loud, vaguely Dave Warner-shaped thing is far more dubious anyway. Apart from the aforementioned antics, blur.

SRC Help... What if i am sick for every assessment in a subject? Is there any way not to get a fail? Every semester SRC HELP sees students who were unfortunately disadvantaged by illness or other extraordinary events for every assessment in one or more subjects. Hopefully this wont happen to you – but if it does, there is something you should know.

YOU SHOULD NOT GET A FAIL (If the faculty does not approve your Faculty will, where reasonable, determine If this does happen to you, come and – assuming you have documented why special consideration application decision alternative means of assessment. If this speak to SRC HELP about applying for you could not attend/complete each you can appeal this decision. Speak to is not possible, the Faculty will award a your fees back for the affected subject/s. assessment and successfully applied for SRC HELP for more information. You grade of DNF to the student.” Call 9660 522 to make an appointment. Special Consideration, as outlined in the must lodge an appeal with 15 working policy. days, or 3 weeks.) A DNF is a Discontinued, Not Fail. This To make an appointment is what should show up on your transcript. What is the policy? If they reschedule things, but you are This says that you discontinued the to see a caseworker: too sick (for example) to attend any subjects and you did not fail it. Compared Part 5 of the Assessment and Examination assessments, and you apply for special to a Fail (or Absent Fail or Discontinued p: 9660 5222 of Coursework Policy is about Special consideration each time and your Fail), a DNF is good for your transcript Consideration. If you have something applications are approved each time, you and good for your Annual Average Mark e: [email protected] extraordinary happen, such as an should not receive a fail. This is new as a and good for your Weighted Average or come and see us at: illness or something else that seriously result of a change in policy. Mark (WAM). Level 1 (Basement) Wentworth affects your studies, you can apply for special consideration so that you are SO if you cant do any of the assessments Bldg - City Road Entry not disadvantaged. There is a special Policy says (5.6.1.6): in a subject this semester, or in the future, consideration which you must hand in and you have successfully applied for For more information: within 7 days of the deadline of exam “The Enrolled Student, because of further special consideration EACH TIME, then date with supporting documentation. The illness or misadventure may be unable check that your mark is recorded as a www.src.usyd.edu.au faculty will then decide if they approve to attempt the replacement assessment DNF. special consideration and if they do within the specified time, of the Faculty what adjustment they will make – eg. may be unable to construct a valid Reschedule the exam for another date. form of assessment. In such cases, the 16 The SRC Reports President's Report Report of the SRC President, Elly Howse // [email protected]

Last year when I ran for SRC President, aren’t considering Summer or Winter there were several policies I ran on. School because they can’t pay that kind They were policies that were directed of fee upfront or they are so adverse at particular areas of the University to debt they don’t want to add a few that I felt, as a student, really needed extra thousands to their HECS debt improving. Running in the SRC elections for just one subject. It’s a big problem, and campaigning for almost 3 weeks and considering that nearly all of the straight gave me the opportunity to University’s Group of Eight competitors speak to other students about the issues (like UNSW, University of Queensland they cared about, on campus and off and University of Melbourne) offer campus. I know sometimes people deride HECS places for their Summer so-called ‘election promises’ as being programs, it’s a tiny bit embarrassing. just a way to garner votes (hello, Federal It’s also completely contradictory to the Government?) but I genuinely wanted University’s emphasis on social inclusion to have a go at improving these areas, and equitable educational access and luckily I was elected. So I thought outlined in the recent Green Paper. I’ve I’d give you all an update some of the written a proposal discussing the SRC’s proposals I ran on and what’s been proposal and our views about equity – happening. this proposal will soon go to the Provost, Professor Stephen Garton, who oversees HECS places for Summer Summer and Winter School. I’ll keep 100% Wireless Coverage and and Winter School you posted on the results, but fingers and Pharmacy (just to name a few!). crossed for even a few HECS places for Internet Quota Generally wireless is added building by each subject in 2011! HECS is something I was (and am still) building, and what they are working on is These are things which are a bit harder really passionate about seeing introduced more wireless access points to pick up the to do. I met recently with the Director in Summer and Winter School. It was 24-Hour Library Access network signal. of ICT, Mark Pigot. One thing that the a policy no-one had ever run on before, 2009 SRC President, Noah, managed to and while there had been some attempts At the beginning of 2010, I had it at As you can see, there is movement on do was increase the internet quota from to change it, nothing had ever really the top of my priorities to make sure these issues but alas, they are slow. 6MB to 12MB. ICT says there hasn’t happened. Essentially it’s inequitable and there could be an extension of library been a huge increase in traffic or usage, unfair that Commonwealth-supported opening hours around campus. I wrote a Next week I’ll update you on what are and that lots of students haven’t noticed students in the main semesters have to lengthy proposal outlining why I thought the ‘wins’ the SRC has helped out with, the increase. Even more of a reason to pay full fees (upwards of $2,500 per library hours should be extended at the whether they be campaigns or other increase it further! Whilst we would love subject) if they have a difficult semester, major libraries on campus, including aspects of University life. to have free internet like ANU, ICT fail a subject, are sick or simply want an extension of hours on Sundays. says at the moment it’s just not feasible to have an intensive period in a subject The Head Librarian has heard my After all, I’m not only your peak with the size of the student body. What area that they may have struggled with opinions and is now in the final stages of representative as an undergraduate they are looking at doing is going with in the past. But right now, Summer and discussing it with library staff and other student, but I’m also responsible for two different Internet Service Providers Winter School are not accessible to all. areas of the University. For example, running the SRC – an organisation depending on the kind of usage – The Director of S&W School informed they have liaised with security about that is your voice supporting you the ie. a different ISP for research and me that only 20% of domestic students extending the bus service to Redfern whole time you’re an undergraduate on academia, and another one for general enrolled in these courses defer the fee station. Ideally what the SRC would like whatever issues that matter to you. usage. Wireless coverage is even more payment using FEE-HELP. That means to see is Scitech run as a trial from 7am- difficult, and the focus at the moment 80% are paying a minimum of $2,500 midnight during Stuvac and the two So enjoy the last two weeks of classes, is getting rid of ‘black spots’ (where the upfront – which students can afford weeks of exams, with extended hours on and look out for my report in the next USyd network isn’t detected). You will that unless a) you have a really good the weekends (eg. 8am-5pm Saturday, and final Honi issue for Semester 1! probably know where they are – some job, b) have a lot of savings or c) have 10am-6pm Sunday). This almost mirrors bits of Carslaw, Merewether, Chemistry parents who can pay that for you? This the hours of UNSW’s main library, and means that a lot of students simply surely USyd wants to be better than UNSW!

Get involved! Come along to a collective... Notice of Council Meeting Education Action Group: 1pm Tuesdays, Quadrangle S441 The next meeting of the 82nd SRC will be held on June 1st at 6pm, room 405 Eastern Avenue On the agenda: proposed changes to SRC electoral regulations. Women's Collective: 1pm Thursdays, Holme Women's Room. For agenda please contact: [email protected] Queer Collective: 2pm Mondays, Queer Space Holme Building Environment Collectives: Quality of Education Survey Student Enviro Action Collective (SEAC): 1pm Mondays, Botany Lawns Climate Action Collective: 1pm Mondays, Chancellors Lawns www.unistudent.com.au - do it now! The Quality Campaign is about making sure that once you are at uni, you receive the International Students: Check your email for updates education that you deserve. 17 General Secretary's Report Ask Abe Report of the General Secretary, Donherra Walmsley // [email protected] Q & A with students Thanks to everyone who has stopped So what happens with all the first is workshops to learn new skills, who need help and a by the stall we’ve been running up information we gather from this survey? and the second is campaign planning dog who has all the near Carslaw to fill out a Quality The National Union of Students will for the second half of the year. Contact answers. . . Survey. We’ve had a great response collate survey data from campuses the Education Officer for more details. Send your letters to: from students, and the information all around Australia, and compile [email protected] you provide by filling out one of the that information into a report, which The National Union of Students surveys will be invaluable in shaping can then be used to lobby individual is the peak representative body the campaigns of the SRC and NUS in universities and the government to for undergraduate students, and Dear Abe the future. If you haven’t filled one out address the issues which students have has achieved things such as Youth yet, drop by the stall, and we’ll give you raised as particularly pressing. Allowance reforms, the abolition of Centrelink have told me I can’t get a lollipop as a thank you for taking the Domestic Undergraduate Full Fee youth allowance because my parents time to tell us about your perspective If you’re interested in finding out more places, and a Senate Inquiry into the earn too much money and I am on the quality of education at Sydney about the National Union of Students, treatment of International Students, ‘dependent’ because I am under 25. University. You can also sign the petition and how its campaigns are planned and so by doing something so small as That’s ridiculous. My parents don’t give calling for a Senate inquiry into student organised, come down to Education filling out a survey, you’re helping an me any money. Is there any way I can housing. Conference. This year it will be in organisation that has the power to become ‘independent’? Tasmania, and comprises two parts. The shape real change for students.

Love from Independent as I’ll Ever Be Bearers. Elly, the President of the SRC, Dee, the General Secretary, and I attend Education Report meetings of Academic Board, Senior Important Dear Abe: Executive Group committees, other Report of the Education Officer, Gabriel Dain // [email protected] 1 July 2010 deadline for decision-making bodies and ad hoc Independent Youth Allowance The Quality of your Education This is why we run campaigns such as the working parties and other committees. (REDUX) Our voice in these bodies is taken NUS Quality of Education Survey. By Dear Independent as I’ll Ever Be, seriously, and we can turn an anecdote formalising and recording the experiences When a lecturer starts a class with “Your about a lecturer who “has a life” into of students across all faculties, at all If you are ‘independent’ then papers have not been marked yet, because tangible changes to Teaching and universities in Australia, we can put our Centrelink will pay you youth unlike everyone else in the department, Learning. opinions, rants, and beer-fuelled expletives allowance. There are a few different I have a life”, you know someone’s to good use. ways Centrelink will consider you fucked up in the Teaching and Learning Next time you find yourself complaining ‘independent’ if you are under 25, Unit. Unfortunately, most of us have about something at uni, don’t let it end The survey is run at a national level, but the most common one is about to experienced the kind of attitude expressed there. Drop me a line, and I’ll make and will be used to put pressure on the end for most students – YOU HAVE by this lecturer at some point in our sure that the issue is taken up and seen government and individual universities UNTIL 1 JULY 2010. university life. to address problems that we identify through. They say that our generation is apathetic, but I don’t believe it. I as widespread in Australian higher The most common way of proving you The problem with quotes such as the one believe that we have opinion on pretty education, such as class sizes, student- are financially ‘independent’ of your above is that they are purely anecdotal. much everything; it’s just that sometimes to-staff ratios and availability of course parents is if you have been out of high They form part of the mythology of we can’t see the point in telling them, essentials. The problems that we face in school for at least18 months and you our university, but they cannot inform because we feel like it won’t change the classroom, however, are often very can prove you have earnt up to $19,532 decision-making in any way. No matter anything. In this case, it will. specific, and cannot be properly addressed in any consecutive 18 month period how much we complain about our by a survey of this scope. since you left high school. lecturers, tutors, assessments, readings, Quality of Education Survey – and all that over a few beers at Manning, NOW! (http://www.unistudent.com) The best way to make your problems be Note: the amount you need to have it will not make any difference to the way heard is by coming to the SRC Office earnt may be less than this, depending we are educated. on which 18 month period you are counting. Go to SRC HELP for advice. workers in the female-dominated social and community services sector by more This income must be through paid Women's Report employment – it cannot be gifts or than $100 a week. Alongside this case Report of the Women’s Officer, Rosie Ryan // [email protected] scholarships, and it must be official the ASU are running the Pay Up! No income - basically, income you have At the recent F conference in Sydney If you are interested in finding out more more lip service to equal pay campaign. declared to the tax office. Start going Anne Summers said that she believed about the existing laws and how they A Take Action for Equal Pay rally is through your income over different that equal pay and the right to control impact upon a woman’s right to choose coming up on Thursday 10th of June. periods. You can apply online and they our own fertility were the two major as well as the case in Queensland and Come along to support workers in these tell you what paperwork you need to issues left to fight for women. what reforms have occurred in other industries whose work is undervalued submit – it will include tax returns and states come along to a Reproductive and underpaid and make real inroads in possibly pay slips. This Saturday 29th May there will be Rights Forum hosted by Women’s addressing the pay gap. a rally for abortion rights starting from Collective this Thursday at 5pm in New To find out more about either of Other ways of being independent include being married (or de facto, Town Hall to demand that abortion be Law 340. It is a non-autonomous forum these campaigns, and to send a Pay including same-sex), being a refugee, removed from the NSW criminal code and everyone is welcome to attend. Up! Postcard to Julia Gillard, drop by having had a child or by being unable the Women’s Collective stall outside and the charges against the Queensland Now to the other major concern Anne to live in your family home. couple dropped. It will be the first rally Summers identified – equal pay. This is Manning this Wednesday and Thursday. Notice of Council Meeting for abortion rights to be held in NSW in often the issue that will first be held up as If you think that you might be eligible The next meeting of the 82nd SRC will be held on June 1st at 6pm, room 405 Eastern Avenue ten years. having been won long ago when talking EVENTS... for a payment or you want to find out On the agenda: proposed changes to SRC electoral regulations. about the feminist movement. The Reproductive Rights Forum 5pm more information, contact SRC HELP For agenda please contact: [email protected] The rally coincides with the reality is that the pay gap between men Thursday 27th May New Law 340 straight away with any questions you International Right to Life conference and women has grown in the past year – may have. being held in Sydney at the same time. wider than is has been since 1994. Rally for Abortion Rights 11am Don’t forget, you must almost always A large show of support for a woman’s Town Hall Saturday 29th of May right to choose is crucial in order Currently the Australian Services Union be a full time student to receive Youth Allowance or Austudy. pressure the government to appeal these has brought a case to Fair Work Australia Take Action for Equal Pay Rally archaic laws and raise awareness around which seeks to increase the pay of those 11am Town Hall Thursday 10th Abe this issue in the community. June

18 THE SUPRA POSTGRAD PAGES Reseach Students The national peak body for Career pathways postgraduate students, the If you feel as though your Council of Australian Postgraduate relationship with your supervisor Meeting the costs of research is The report also touched on another Associations (CAPA), recently is preventing you from progressing another serious and systemic issue. issue which SUPRA is very much released a report called The academically, you should make Even if you receive a scholarship, aware of, namely, the distinction Research Education Experience sure you act quickly to resolve the it can be very difficult to pay for between teaching and research in 2009. The report records the problems. This is something that conference or fieldwork expenses. during candidature. We are aware results of a focus group CAPA held you can come to talk to a SUPRA Of course, this can affect the quality that financial necessity is often the with postgraduate students in caseworker about. of your research. primary motivator for students’ December 2009. As well as supervisory relationships decisions to take up teaching The report also identified a need positions, and that those teaching We thought it was important to let which are less than desirable, for greater “access to information positions are almost invariably Sydney Uni postgraduate research some problems are also caused and advice on the challenges limited to casual positions. We said students know about the report, by a supervisor terminating faced by research students”. In as much to the University in our because it confirms a lot of what the relationship - for example, SUPRA’s experience, this means Green Paper response. SUPRA has been hearing from where the supervisor leaves the greater education for research students on campus. University or the country, or where students about your rights (in the supervisor does not want to This problem is compounded the supervisory relationship by the lack of support for early If you can relate to any of the supervise the student anymore. or otherwise), your options career academics, despite the experiences described below, This is an area where SUPRA (for example, about enrolment, feeling amongst students as and feel like you want to talk to has undertaken a lot of dispute- suspension, part-time candidature) recorded in the report that there someone about any aspect of your resolution and where we want and having someone to advocate are “tremendous research candidature, please come the University to provide better for you if things aren’t expectations upon to see SUPRA. Our caseworkers safeguards for students. working out. them to perform provide free and confidential both as teachers and advice. SUPRA is independent from Resources SUPRA has been advocating as researchers”. the University so our caseworkers for postgraduate students for can tell you about your rights The issue of minimum resources over 30 years – it’s our job to Completing a as a research student, as well as is also a focus of the CAPA report. look out for you! Come in to research degree give you advice which is in your This is another area in which SUPRA talk to us about your worries The final section of interests (not your supervisor’s has done a lot of advocacy because or just get some confidential the report deals with interests!). of how serious the situation is at advice. We won’t talk to Sydney Uni. For example, the the time pressures anyone about these things on students; financial support; and The Importance of the Student- University’s Green Paper admitted without your permission. We can non-financial support from people Supervisor Relationship that in the Faculty of Arts, there are make suggestions about how to 500 research students but only 150 outside of the supervisory team. approach your lecturers, or refer Even if you are the most talented desks! you to places which can help you. We know that it is common for student, a supervisor can either students to feel like they are make or break your candidature. We know that it is unreasonable Call 9351 3715 to make an running out of time to complete, We know there are a lot of success to expect research students to appointment with a SAAO, email and that, more often than not, stories regarding supervisory undertake high quality research in your query to [email protected]. there are very good reasons for relationships, but we also tight time frames without providing edu.au, or come and see us during this. For example, the mere fact hear a lot of stories where the adequate resources (including our ‘drop in’ times. See our web site that Sydney Uni knows that it has a relationship breaks down and has financial support) to support that for more details: www.supra.usyd. resourcing problem should result serious impacts on the student’s research. So SUPRA has been edu.au. in greater flexibility for students candidature. SUPRA’s 2010 Survival campaigning since 2006 for regarding completion dates! Whilst Guide and our Thesis Guide have Sydney Uni to introduce a minimum Caroline Vu some faculties are quite lenient in some handy hints about managing resources policy, given that it is Student Advice and Advocacy granting extensions to students, the your supervisory relationship. They the only Group of 8 University Officer issue is often not whether a request can be picked up from the SUPRA not to have one. We presented for an extension will be granted, office, and are available from our a draft Policy on Entitlements but the fact that going over-time website: http://www.supra.usyd. for Postgraduate Students to the means a student will lose their edu.au/article.php?id=31 University some years ago but it has only started to gain traction scholarship income. CAPA’s December workshop recently. Contact us if you want to group raised serious concerns know more about SUPRA’s work in about the nature of student- this area. supervisor relationships, saying they “felt research students were more vulnerable to bullying and The full CAPA report can be accessed at: intimidation than other student groups”. SUPRA has heard students http://www.innovation.gov.au/Section/Research/Documents/ at Sydney Uni expressing similar TheResearchEducationExperiencein2009.pdf views – we know it’s a live issue but, more often than not, students are silent about it.

Council Vacancies Did you think about applying for SUPRA Council but miss out on our official nomination period? The election for casual vacancies on Council is on now! There are 9 positions to be filled for General Councillors, and we want you to be a part of this vibrant and active team.

Contact the SUPRA office for a form, or email the secretary at [email protected]. 19 THE SUPRA POSTGRAD PAGES SUPRA’s Outreach Events YOUR Postgraduate Representative Association Why Does SUPRA Run Events? regular immigration seminars and Becoming a member of your a series of Tuesday Night Talks One of SUPRA’s main postgraduate representative on various topics such as tenancy responsibilities is to ensure that association gives you the following rights; women’s rights; research; the rights of students on campus benefits: are upheld and that every postgraduate student can pursue • Access to our confidential their studies with a minimum of student advice and advocacy trouble. As such, SUPRA tries service and legal service to keep in touch with all of our • Participate in SUPRA events and subscribers and supporters to activities make sure that their postgraduate • Receive regular email updates experience is a positive one. and electronic publications The outreach programs we run (eGrad) therefore serve a few functions. • Use the SUPRA Resource and The first is to give councillors and Meeting Rooms Student Advocacy and Advice • Vote or run in the SUPRA Council Officers (SAAOs) a chance to talk elections to other postgraduate students to • Actively participate in your find out what their problems are or representative student what issues exist that SUPRA can association. address. Another function of the outreach programs is to introduce Complete your subscription online at councillors and SAAOs to students and scholarships. Hosted by various www.supra.usyd.edu.au/subscribe in order to let them know who we experts, these seminars have then follow the links if you would are and that we are available to talk How Can I Get Involved? proven to be extremely popular in like to become a SUPRA Supporter. to whenever an issue may arise. The providing knowledge where there Alternatively you can complete a form final reason for the outreach events If you’re interested in attending any is often a lack of easily attainable at our stalls or drop into the SUPRA that SUPRA organises is to just of our events, keep an eye out here, information. office. give postgraduate students a good on the SUPRA pages in Honi Soit, or time. Postgraduate study can be an on our mailing list – eGrad. All of Where and When? extremely isolating experience – our events are publicised through by holding events SUPRA provides these mediums beforehand. So The timing of SUPRA events vary WHERE IS SUPRA? a space for postgrads to meet, come along and let us know what’s and there is no set schedule for thus helping to foster a postgrad going on. Have some food and Address: Raglan St Building G10 most of them but SUPRA does try community. drink on us, get to know your Darlington Campus to run regular events in order The University of Sydney NSW 2006 council and voice any concerns you to engage our postgraduate What type of events do we run? may have. If you’re on one of the constituency. Regular events that Phone: (02) 9351 3715 The university tends to sometimes satellite campuses and you want occur every year include our Toll-free: 1800 249 950 neglect the postgraduate cohort us to come out there, let us know O-Week BBQ; SUPRA’s Annual Fax: (02) 9351 6400 and it can often seem like it is as we’re always happy to do so. If General Meeting, and end of only the undergraduates who you have an idea for an event that E: [email protected] semester parties. SUPRA now also get the free barbecues and the you’d like to see, let us know and Web: www.supra.usyd.edu.au runs SUPRA Sports, which run every like. SUPRA, on the other hand, we’ll do the best we can. SUPRA week on Tuesdays and Fridays (see understands that postgraduates are is YOUR postgraduate council, eGrad for details) and allows for on campus at different times and run by postgraduate students for postgrads to get together for a bit have different needs and wants. postgraduate students and it’s your of social (not competitive) sport. We SUPRA knows that a loud, boozy support that makes it all happen. also try to get out to the university To Main Quad event at Manning Bar may not be Footbridge satellite campuses whenever we City Road exactly what you want after a long Sid De can, with trips out to the Sydney

day of work and class. As such, Activities Committee Co-Convenor Jane Foss Cr Maze Russell College of the Arts (SCA) in Rozelle, Wentworth Maze Cr we try to cater our events to you, [email protected] Building Cumberland Campus, and the postgraduates from all across the Camden Farms so far this semester. University. For example, we try to Cadigal Green

Butlin Ave hold events like postgraduate trivia City Road and movie nights - our most recent film screening was Last Train to Merewether Church Lane Freo (recommended by FilmSoc Maze Cr as the best Australian film ever) SUPRA Annual General Meeting & PARTY! Tennis Codrington St Sports & Aquatic Courts Centre - as well as events such as BBQs, Lander St Darlington Rd Services Building coffee meetings, and just generally Raglan St providing a space to socialise. Monday, 31st May is the most important day of the year for all of us at Economics and Business Building SUPRA and we want you to be a part of it. SUPRA is holding its Annual Fun aside, your postgraduate General Meeting. Come along, meet your Councillors, help SUPRA form Rose St To Redfern Station council is here for you; to help its agenda for 2010/11, give us feedback on how we’ve done, and enjoy Abercrombie St you with any problems you might FREE FOOD and DRINKS! have, and to keep you informed and educated to avoid any such This will be followed by our end-of-semester party! problems. As such, SUPRA also runs WHEN: Monday 31st May, 5:30pm WHERE: SUPRA Offices

20 Bletchley Park

21. Easy, I scab strangely (5) 22. Groove in odd roust (3) THE 24. Pigeon’s noise sounds like a takeover! 25. 10 B.C, without the alien, is Seinfeld’s network HONI SOIT (1.1.1) 26. Even reveal long fish (3) 27. Mad Eli is Hawaiian attire CROSSWORD 28. Braved broken clause qualifier (6) Across 29. “---! Heavy and a Bottle of Bread” – 1-Across 1. Original name of the singer who celebrated his song (3) 69th birthday on Monday (6,9) 30. Half a trauma for the Kill Bill star (3) 8. First part of a question asked by 1-Across (3,4) 31. Perhaps allowed month (3) 9. Slippery dune is naked (5) 34. Mouth is almost Othello (3) 12. Known to be gay in the exterior (3) 35. Bride of Christ sounds like nothing (3) 13. Second part of a question asked by 1-Across 37. Baffle the Old English letter (3) (5,4,1,3) 38. Church seat sounds like ‘What stinks?’ 19. Third part of a question asked by 1-Across 39. Crazy Ann – my grandma (4,4,6) 23. Brightly and indecently scan Harry (14) 29. Fourth part of a question asked by 1-Across (3,3,4,3)

32. Strange eve for the leader of the first

professional band 1-Across played in (3) Grandma 39.

33. Last part of a question asked by 1-Across (1,3) (3) seat Church 38.

36. “Ow!” Penny breaks Track 2 from 1-Across’s (3) letter English Old 37.

Street Legal (3,4) (3) Christ of Bride 35.

40. Where the answer to the question is (6’,2,3,4) (3) Mouth 34.

31. Pole peasants dance around (3) around dance peasants Pole 31.

Down (3) star Bill Kill 30.

2. Even Borneo hides Lennon’s wife (3) (3) (archaic) truly Indeed, 29.

3. Driverless helm is a tree (3) (6) word Qualifying 28.

4. Can Palestinians stay hidden? (3) (3) attire Hawaiian 27.

5. Without a mean group of males (3) (3) fish slippery Long, 26.

14. ‘--- Moore’ – song by 1-Across on the album album the on 1-Across by song – Moore’ ‘--- 14.

6. Every second friend in ‘The Walls of --- Wing’ – (1.1.1) network Seinfeld’s 25. MARK “MY WORDS” SUTTON

13. Mars colour (3) colour Mars 13.

song by 1-Across (3) (3) noise Pigeon’s 24.

29. Fourth part of a question asked by 1-Across 1-Across by asked question a of part Fourth 29.

12. Males (3) Males 12.

7. ‘--- Moore’ – 1-Across song is a mesh knot (6) (3) Groove 22.

23. Very brightly (14) brightly Very 23.

11. What baked beans come in (3) in come beans baked What 11.

8. She, objectively, is a half-mother (3) (5) fundamental Easy, 21.

(4,4,6)

10. Large type of tree (3) tree of type Large 10.

10. Crazy mule, without energy, is a German town (3) (3) connection Computer 20.

19. Third part of a question asked by 1-Across 1-Across by asked question a of part Third 19.

9. John Lennon’s second wife (3) wife second Lennon’s John 9.

11. Nickelodeon ends a very long time (3) (3) once Before, 18.

(5,4,1,3)

Down

14. Endless oval eggs (3) (3) tennis in serve, the off win A 17.

13. Second part of a question asked by 1-Across 1-Across by asked question a of part Second 13.

15. Old operating system goes up to drunkard (3) (5) married Not 16.

12. Not in (3) in Not 12.

40) Where the answer to the question is (6’,2,3,4) is question the to answer the Where 40)

16. Fun Wednesday hides the fact they are not (3) system operating CPU Old 15.

9. Naked (5) Naked 9.

36) Track 2 from 1-Across’s Street Legal (3,4) Legal Street 1-Across’s from 2 Track 36)

married (5) (3) Eggs 14.

8. First part of a question asked by 1-Across (3,4) 1-Across by asked question a of part First 8.

33) Last part of a question asked by 1-Across (1,3) 1-Across by asked question a of part Last 33)

17. WW1 flying is a win off the serve (3) (3) time long very A 13.

his 69th birthday on Monday (6,9) Monday on birthday 69th his

1-Across played in (3) in played 1-Across

18. Limitless wagon from before (3) (3) town German 12.

1. The former name of Bob Dylan, who celebrated celebrated who Dylan, Bob of name former The 1.

32) Bobby ---, leader of the first professional band band professional first the of leader ---, Bobby 32)

20. I escape from reverse nail to computer (3) she of form Objective 15.

Across

(3,3,4,3) connection (3) (6) Times Modern

*Questions themed around this week's issue. THE TAKE HOME SUDOKU 1. How many World Cup have Brazil won: 12. Who or what was Nosferatu: 3, 5 or 7? (a) the nom de guerre of Franco? (b) a cinematic vampire? 2. How much is a jug of Tooheys New (c) Ivan the Terrible’s second in during Manning Happy Hour (without command? Access)? 13. Is lepidoptery the study of leopards, 3. Who ousted Belinda Neal in the Labor butterflies or flesh-eating diseases? preselection for the seat of Robertson? 14. What is the closest star to Earth? 4. Which country was the last to join the UN General Assembly? 15. Which bird did Gordon Ramsay cook in a pie after it bit him in the face in 5. To the nearest thousand, how many 2008? votes were cast in the this year union elections: 4,000, 6,000 or 8,000? 16. Kyu is: (a) a Japanese term used in 6. The other David Campbell is the son of martial arts? an Aussie rock legend. Who is said legend? (b) the name of Frank Zappa’s second daughter? 7. More than six kilos of cocaine was (c) the Mongolian word for RATED: Easy like Sunday Morning found stuffed in a certain premium “queue”? confectionary over the weekend. What 1 a) Heliotrope was the sweet in question? 17. Who was named Player of the Tournament at this year’s 20/20 World Match the 8. True or False: Cougars are the largest Cup? 2 b) Chartreuse cats that can purr? colour to 18. To the nearest thousand, how many 3 c) Cerise 9. What is the national animal of Zambia? episodes of Home and Away have there its obscure been: 3,000, 4,000 or 5,000? d) Smalt 10. In which country is the annual 4 Cooper’s Hill Cheese Rolling and Wake 19. Who earned his 50th cap for the name. held? Waratahs last week? 5 e) Verdigris

11. Naomi Campbell made a cameo 20. True or False: Guns N’Roses last two 6 f) Aureolin

appearance in which Sacha Baron Cohen guitarists are nicknamed Buckethead film? and Bumblefoot respectively? 7e 6c, 5a, 4b, 3f, 2d, 1g, Answers:

7 g) Alizarin

12. (b) 13. Butterflies 14. Alpha Centuri 15. A puffin 16. (a) 17. Kevin Pietersen 18. 5,000 19. Kurtley Beale 20. True. How the mighty have fallen. fallen. have mighty the How True. 20. Beale Kurtley 19. 5,000 18. Pietersen Kevin 17. (a) 16. puffin A 15. Centuri Alpha 14. Butterflies 13. (b) 12.

11. England 10. impala the 9. True 8. Rocher Ferrero 7. Barnes Jimmy 6. 6000 5. Montenegro 4. O’Neill Deborah 3. $9 2. 5 1. ANSWERS: Ali G In Da House House Da In G Ali The Garter Press THIEF OF NINE WALKLEY AWARDS

ISSUE: Yeah, we have several. But we’ve learnt to keep quiet. EST 2010 BC Price: Your Dignity HUMAN ORGAN THE FREE GIVEAWAY! EARTH Willy. “Fucking Huge” - Reviewed on Page 19. Don’t ask how we got them. Science Liftout Nation’s Pissed- SEVEN NEWS REPORTER Up Slappers ADAM WALTERS NOT A Demand PEDOPHILE OR MURDERER Attention, Midori.

EXCLUSIVE Sally Hampton-Clams Donna Princeton Women’s Officer Uppity Bitch & Media Correspondent Pissed-Up Slappers across Australia In the interest of the public, The are demanding that the nation stop Garter Press can reveal that Adam whatever they’re doing, put down Walters, noted reporter for Seven their glasses and listen to what they News, has in no way engaged in acts of have to say because this is their night pedophilia, murder, arson, kidnapping, out. international racketeering, drugs or people trafficking – just to name a few In a statement released to patient things of which there is no proof Adam onlookers and long-suffering partners, Walters is involved with. the Coalition of Pissed-Up Slappers called for general acknowledgement Walters, who recently broke the news that their friend was the prettiest girl that NSW MP David Campbell had in the room, that their eyes are up visited a gay sex club, has denied that here and cowboys cowboys cowboys he buys dogs from pet shops, then it’s time to do some cowboys. drowns the dogs and distributes them on Christmas Eve, and we can confirm A self-appointed spokeswoman for the that he does indeed not lead a secret life group spoke exclusively to The Garter NOT pictured above : Adam Walters exposing himself in a playground. of animal torture. and anyone else in ear-shot, saying, “We demand ... we ... demand...”, for “That’s why I live a life of complete After trailing Walters for a week with Peter Meakin, the Head of News and five minutes before stopping abruptly virtue and innocence, and adhere to a a hidden camera, we recorded him Current Affairs at Channel Seven, to laugh uncontrollably and then cry strict moral code.” visiting several stores (none of which praised Walters for his private life: “I’m into her gin and tonic. sold drugs, guns or pornography) and please to see that Adam and indeed all “I have never broken into a maternity volunteering at a nursing home, during our reporters here at Channel Seven At the time of print, the demands of ward and switched the babies around which time no resident of the nursing lead clean lives of moral certitude the Pissed-Up Slappers were yet to be for fun or on a dare.” home was suffocated by a pillow, to the [including, but not limited to; not met, which included cabs to the Cross, best of our knowledge. engaging in nuclear arms trading and to be looked at, to not be looked Our research has also shown that dressing up like a homeless person to at and an end to sexist reporting Walters has never been called before the “I completely understand that, as receive charity from passers by]”. in satirical newspapers. Then they International War Crimes Tribunal for a public figure, I have no right to a vomited into their handbags. private life,” Walters told The Garter. committing genocide. However, The Garter can reveal that Walters is a spineless prick. Sex Farmers Record 10 Year Drought INSIDE Mick Haggarty been in my family for years, and now, hardship and strife of your average sex MINING TAX OPPOSTION Rural Reporter and Sheep Farmer it’s nothing but an un-stocked cellar.” farmer. These are people who buy the The Seven Dwarves call for product of the farmers’ labour from Rudd’s Head It is the worst drought in almost shops or the Internet and have no idea The State Government has refused to p3 150 years according to a report accept claims that it has allowed the of the process behind it. To them, this released yesterday by the Department industry to decline. A spokesman for drought is a political issue, not one with of Agriculture. Harvests have the Department of Agriculture assured a human face and a gimp suit tied up in a 13 YEAR OLD CLIMBS EVEREST reduced to 35% of the 2000 average, those farmers feeling the brunt of the cellar somewhere up north.” School principal says he knew unemployment in regional Australia has drought that “we want the farmers to the kid was faking a sickie. risen almost 2% in 5 years and the once But for the farmers themselves this is know that we are doing everything in p6 abundant sex belt of NSW has all but our power to keep the industry on its a problem for which there may not be dried up. feet. I grew up on a sex farm, I know a solution. For many sex farmers, this the life, I know the hardships, and I may well be the drought that broke the WORLD’S BEST AIRLINE NAMED No one has been hit harder than the Sex know how much of themselves these farmer’s back. Least crashing-est planes Farmers of our nation, with almost 1 in farmers are putting into their work.” and least unpleasant flight 3 Sex Farms now untenable. Joe Higgins In the words of Mr Higgins “Times attendants. is one such farmer who has been feeling John Rolly, National candidate for the were you could just let a few crops go by the brunt of the barren past decade. upper Hunter, does not believe the the wayside, dump them and start again, Travel Liftout “My Dad got this place from his dad, government is doing as it says. “These but now, we’ll be lucky if we even make who got it from his uncle. Place has are people who don’t understand the a harvest.” Comment The Garter Press

this? Why not just return under threat and so too are For starters, buy a dozen to informing and entertain- words! The internet, Clever papers every morning! Not ing us about the Wonderful Phones and paper’s vulner- only will you help the news- World of Words® at the ability to fire means that paper industry, but also the same time often? papers could be a thing of industry of Papier-Mâché the past in the future! (French for paper maché). Well readers, as old Shake- Also, destroy your computer speare once typed, “All that And so what happens to and the computers of your is required for evil to prevail all the wonderful words if neighbors with fire. (Hint: is that people don’t stop it newspapers die out? Well, you can use your many news- and instead do something I’m afraid the news isn’t papers as kindling). else”. And that’s why I care good (pun intended, but not so much, and why you should for humour). Imagine that Well, until next time my care too! you didn’t have newspapers friends (if indeed there will to remind you what a horse even be a next time). And I The fact is, loyal friends, means or how to spell Syd- hope the next time we meet that the paper that you hold ney Morning Herald? The it will be on happier terms. in your very hands is under fact is that it wont be long before we even forget the I can’t wait to keep journey- Hello my friends and hello! World of Words©, but now threat! Since the invention meaning of words! ing through the Wonderful It is my pleasure to open it is time to remove the of the printing press by World of Words™ with you, the gates once again and jangling jester’s hat and don Steve Guttenberg, newspa- “But what can I do, Maisy?” and my only hope is that I once more invite you in to a more serious hat. Today pers have been one of the you say. “After all, Maisy, can still do this proud tradi- the Wonderful World of we are looking at the death most important holders of I’m just one person, or two tion of printing on paper, Words™! of newspapers. words in the modern world. More important than books, people if someone is read- rather than computer goo. ing this over my shoulder on We have all had a lot of fun But why? I hear you ask out signs and small books! a bus.” Well my answer to And remember: newspapers and mirth so far in our jour- loud. Why does Maisy con- that question you just asked are the number one way of ney through the Wonderful cern herself with things like But now newspapers are is plenty of things! reading news on paper. them not to ask us first if we A Matter Of Style minded? Yours in Fear of Second Hand Smoke, With Gareth Munchen-Bunting Chesterton Fancyspoons Dearest Gareth, Dear Chesterton, to my home’ quite like hors d’oeuvres served off the naked I mulled over this question I have recently bought a house torso of a Cambodian man. of yours for quite some time, with my husband and we are Coincidentally, this also makes mindlessly puffing plumes of looking to have a small house- for a great activity to get the smoke from my smoking pipe warming event for friends night chugging along. whilst wearing my smoker’s and family. Should I invite my jacket in the smoking room in neighbours, and if so, how do I In the end though, nothing the smoking wing of my house ‘break the ice’ with my old and ‘breaks the ice’ quite like liter- (whilst smoking), but eventu- new friends? ally breaking the ice. So why ally decided that it was indeed not gather a bunch of hammers rude of your fellow patrons not Catherine, Mosman and other various blunt instru- to ask your permission before ments , head off to the depths igniting their cigarettes. My Dear Catherine, of Alaska and literally smash the igloos of the native Inuits! Although the law of the courts Meeting new people is always may be on their side, the law of a very tricky proposition, espe- Yours Fraternally, human nature and good man- cially if they don’t speak English Chesteron. ners is on yours. They should or are otherwise unattractive. have also checked whether Dear Chesterton, you were content with their My advice is to hire a small meal choices, lest an unpleas- band of trumpet players to My wife and I were recently ant Oriental aroma should waft ‘announce’ the arrival of each dining in the courtyard of a your way. I say make a citizen’s guest with fanfare. In addition small inner-city café, when arrest, lock the blaggards up to spooking the Wellingtons off some patrons at a nearby and throw away the key! Then “The Un-Photoshopped Poster” your guests, you’ll also make table began smoking. I know set them alight in an act of them feel welcome and slightly that the law states they are murderous irony. aroused. allowed to smoke in outside IN CINEMAS SOON! areas, but was it rude of Yours in Cancer, Also, nothing says ‘welcome Chesterton GOT A SPIDER ON YOU BACK? YES, YOU DO. Have You Considered The Following?

• Running around shouting • Getting your friend to care- “get it off, get it off!”? fully but violently whack it The important thing is to remain • Tearing off your jumper off with a broom? calm. then jumping up and down • Just taking the sting like a on it? man? • Remaining perfectly still? The Garter Press Lifestyle

print a retraction in the next TWO olives, I’ll wait till you’re money back for the birth CLASSIFIEDS issue. about to pay then jump in notice? COLUMN∞ and cover the cost. You’ll NO-Reason-Rhino. Exactly RETRACTIONS begin to suggestively tear up YOU know those people who More on the ‘Why is their what it sounds like. a serviette. I’ll accidentally die, and then the paper runs no apostrophe in the word apostrophe?’ debate $6,000. Call Eric (you know kick you in the shins. We’ll go a story which makes you feel (Column Infinity, November I would like to retract my guilty you’d never heard of the one) back to my place, BUT ONLY 1958-present), Donald comments about a poo table AFTER debating the pros and them? One of them has died. in the last issue....What do Hampton of Gymea says FOOSBALL table. Themed cons of yours and mine for you mean this is in the same there is one, it goes in the around the 1979 Arsenal 11 minutes 43 seconds. We’ll OUR pet snake. Tragically middle of the O. Thanks for issue....I thought you said the Squad, amazing detail. With have a sexual encounter that suffocated while swallowing clearing that up Donald! last one had already gone to accurate jerseys, player plays heavily on my fear of our youngest child. We’ll miss print....What do you mean positions and looks of terror goannas, your fear of heights. you Fangy! Thea Morgan of Gordon this is going to print as well?! as I shrunk each individual You’ll snort cocaine from my writes in to say that we used Oh fuck you all. and froze them in time in ear lobes while I awkwardly RETIREMENTS the wrong ‘their’ in the above this charming conversation try to asphyxiate myself with entry. How did you know in advance Thea? We are starter! a Ming dynasty vase. Then WANTED TO BUY genuinely baffled. we’ll never see each other DAVE Colletts wishes to tell FIRE Can warm hands, burn again. This and only this can everyone who works at SP&C More on the ‘How did enemies to death. For one satisfy me. finance group that they can PICASSO’S Guernica. Anyone Thea Morgan know about liver and eternity chained to a go fuck themselves and he the misuse of the ‘their?’ out there got Picasso’s rock it can be yours! MASTER seeking slaves. Not came in the water cooler. debate (Column Infinity, Guernica and would like to sex slaves, actual slaves. The Today), Tony Gibson of sell it, I’ll buy it. I don’t have SELF loathing. Would suit mills shan’t run themselves! ALL those at the Gold Watch, Bexley North says Thea much money but I’ll trade you student politician, student Fountain Pen and Expensive stole this paper from one of my wife’s brownies. journalist, actual politician or LIGHT bulb seeks socket. If Champagne Factory, would him this morning....But C’mon, don’t be a dick, sell it how did she?... if this?... actual journalist. you are thinking that this is like to thank Steven Franks, This is turning into a real to me. a metaphor, I assure you it who’s been with us for over Toby 95747263 metaphysical can of worms. SAXOPHONE. Play the is not. No more ‘sexy calls’ 50 years. Please accept a instrument of Kenny G, Bill please. HMV voucher as a token of INFLATABLE pool toy. Toys Lou Costello writes to ask Clinton and my sister, from our appreciation. suitable for your inflatable us “Who’s on First?”. We’re whom I have stolen this not falling for that again Mr. pool. No sharp edges. BIRTHS instrument. Quick sale! WORK WANTED Costello! Also, are you a ghost or what? YOUR wallet. Will pay you FRIDGE bar, that is, a bar in vouchers. These vouchers inside a fridge. Will trade for JOAN and Frank Carter are I HAVE a strong back, a Mary Face of Cremorne are redeemable for not being bar fridge. ambivalent to announce the truck and am willing to work wryly observes that this knifed in the stomach. Act birth of their daughter Lily. On hard. Looking for work as Twilight craze is nothing quick! new. She remembers having ONE of the walls to my house. the one hand she’s a precious a constitutional lawyer or a huge Wilhemina Murray surgeon. Can bring own lawn I’m 97% confident the roof darling who we love, but let’s poster on her wall at won’t cave in and kill my PERSONALS not forget that it hurt Joan mower. boarding school at the turn children. like hell and she’ll probably of the century. Seems like reasonable odds. become a spoiled bitch LOOKING for a job where I Call Steve 0403732828 because we’re bad parents. can use my hands. A hand job, Send your submissions to Column∞: YOU say it best, when you say if you will. I am looking for a [email protected] nothing at all. I suppose what GIVING away a horse! Does WILFRED and Eleanor Baker hand job. I’m trying to say is shut the everything a normal horse would like to announce the Tim 0347 737 837 fuck up. should, but has dental birth of their son Robert on problems that you should 12/03/1946. Sorry it took OH goodness me, I just The Garter wonders why I AM become death, probably look into. us so long to get around to realised how bad that read. destroyer of worlds. You are this Robert – better late than Forget about the hand job. a virgin, born of a madman ONE Poo Table. Sorry, that never! I have a leaf blower and can Carlo Ritchie, Tim and a saint. I shall impregnate should say Pool Table. What use it for any job that requires Scriven, Mark you and together we shall do you mean it’s already gone blowing. birth beautiful oblivion. Non to print? How is that even DEATHS Tim 0347 737 837 Sutton, Ben Jenkins, smokers only please. possible?...What... is this bit David Mack going to print too... If the bit LOOKING for work as a writer WE’LL meet in a bar. You’ll had gone to print before than WILFRED and Eleanor Baker of smutty puns for bawdy feign disinterest, I’ll push the Don’t have anything better how can this be in there....Is mourn the loss of their son British sitcom. See samples of point but not too strongly. to do with their time. this in too?... What about...... Robert who died peacefully my work above. You’ll order a Martini with THIS! But ... Oh forget it, I’ll on Saturday. Can we get our Tim 0347 737 837

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