Amazing Family guy quotes
Seasone 1 Episode 1
Season 1 Episode 2 summary from Wiki: Annoyed that Peter spends more time watching television than with his own family, Lois suggests he teach Meg how to drive. Peter reluctantly agrees, and unwittingly gives Meg a series of bad driving tips, including instructing her to "rev" her engine twice at stop lights and challenge other drivers to a race, which causes her to ultimately fail her driving test. As Peter drives them home from the DMV he notices that a show he wanted to watch is on television in a nearby house. Distracted, he crashes the car into a main cable television transmitter, knocking out reception for the entire town of Quahog. Panicking, Peter convinces Meg to take the blame for the cable outage, bribing her with the promise of a new convertible whenever she gets her license. Once they arrive home with the transmitter still attached to the car, Lois becomes furious with Peter for placing the blame on his own daughter. Meg, of course, is blamed. This shows an incredible lack of good judgment and morals by Peter. Meanwhile, Stewie steals the satellite dish in a plan to create a weather control device capable of destroying the world's supply of broccoli, since Lois had forced him to eat the vegetable earlier that day. Suffering withdrawal syndrome from the lack of cable, Peter straps a television-sized cardboard cutout to himself, making it appear as though his whole world is actually a television program. When Meg can no longer deal with the public scorn, she reveals that her father is really responsible for Quahog's loss of television, causing the town to turn against him. In an attempt to save Peter from further scorn and verbal attacks, Lois gives a heartfelt speech to the community about how television has kept them all from enjoying one another. Inspired by the speech, Peter drags the family to one outdoor activity after another, which quickly exhausts them. Once the family can no longer keep up with him, Peter decides to go off with William Shatner, who has appeared on the Griffin family doorstep after experiencing a flat tire, to a nearby festival. Meanwhile, Stewie's weather machine creates a huge rainstorm. The storm's lightning strike destroys Stewie's weather machine and blows Stewie off the roof and on the ground. While Meg is practicing driving with Lois, the storm causes her to accidentally hit Shatner and Peter, killing Shatner and hospitalizing Peter. As her father recovers, in a full-body cast, he is forced to watch television, causing him to become addicted once again, much to his family's relief.
Baby Stewie: “The first rule of war is to know thine enemy”
Baby Stewie: “Forecast for tomorrow is a few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom.”
Peter: “Are you implying that Rosie O Donnel can't drive?”
Doctor: “It's a girl!” Peter: “C-can you check again?”
Peter to Meg after telling her he would buy her a new convertible if she played it cool: “You're going to make a Jewish guy a great wife”
Peter: “Isn't bribe just another word for love?”
Peter: “Him and his crazy get-rich quick schemes”
Peter: “Oh I thought you wanted us to murder our children and harvest their bodies for beer money.”
Peter: “Meg, there will be plenty of time for you to drive when you are dead.”
Season1 Episode 3: Lois Griffin reserved a day at the family entertainment center, Cheesie Charlie's for her youngest son Stewie, who will soon become a 1 year old, and sends her husband Peter along with her older son Chris to drop off the deposit check at Cheesie Charlie's. However, once they arrive, Peter manages to lose their reservation — a move Peter immediately realizes will upset Lois. Peter lies to Lois, claiming Cheesie Charlie's is an evil place, though Lois does not believe his story. However, she decides to trust Peter after he says he has already planned an extravagant party at home. The Griffins' daughter Meg has been having trouble making friends and fitting in at school. She soon meets and befriends a girl named Jennifer. Soon Meg is invited to a party by Jennifer, but Lois does not give her permission as the party is the same day as Stewie's birthday party. Meanwhile, Stewie misinterprets the meaning of his birthday and assumes that the same mysterious "Man in White" who delivered him as an infant will be returning to force Stewie back into the womb. Stewie decides to travel to Nicaragua to hire mercenaries to help him fight back against the Man in White. He makes it to the airport before deciding that he should face the "Man in White" on his own after all.
Peter fails to put together a party in time for Stewie's birthday, finally rerouting a circus parade into the Griffins' backyard, saving the day—that is, until he reveals to Lois that he gave Meg permission to go to a party at her friend's house. Peter goes to retrieve Meg from the party, where Meg is oblivious to the fact that the "party" is a cult meeting where the members will commitmass suicide by drinking poisoned punch. The cult leader meets Meg and she is almost ready to drink the poison. But Peter soon arrives and delivers a heart-warming speech to Meg and invites other members of the cult to Stewie's party; they all (except for the cult leader) agree and have a toast; Jennifer and the rest of the cult members do and they die immediately. but Peter and Meg leave before they have a chance to drink it. The cult leader notices that Meg did not kill herself with the punch and has left, so he puts on his white robe and follows them to the Griffins' house. Peter and Meg race back to the party just in time for the erotic cake Peter bought. Meanwhile, Stewie traps and kills the cult leader, thinking he is the "Man in White". The episode ends with Stewie making his birthday wish. He firstly thinks of bombs dropping but changes his mind and wishes everyone in disco outfits dancing.
Stewie: [in his diary] Day 171. I've sprouted another finger. Counting the one from yesterday, [looks at his penis], I'm up to 11.
Cheerleader: “Boy it's so great being thin and popular” Another Cheerleader: “Let's go throw up!” In arcade, Peter: “No no Chris, we're not here for fun.”
Brian: “Bravo Peter, you are the Spalding Grey of crap.”
Peter: “Hey look, the two symbols of Republicans: An elephant and a big fat white guy afraid of change.”
Stewie: “No sprinkles! For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.”
Episode 4: Mind over Murder
Stewie: “For the love of God woman, shake me, shake me like a British nanny!”
Peter: “Daddy loves ya. I mean in a platonic way, I'm married.”
Season 1 Episode 5 – A Hero Sits Next Door
Chinese guy to Peter about Japanese baseball player: “What kind of compensation are you offering?” Peter: “Uhhh...Me love you long time?”
Peter: “I have this disease where stuff just pops out of my mouth. GO TO HELL GO TO HELL.” Black kid: “Hey you want a piece of gum” White kid: “Sure!” Black kid: “That was joke gum haha” White kid: “Whatever do you mean?” Black kid: “Now you're addicted to heroine!”
Joe: “Eat up everyone. Tonight my wife won't be the only one enjoying pig in a blanket”
Meg: “That is such Mom advice” Lois: “Well, did you try showing him the goods?”
Season 1 Episode 6 – The Son Also Draws
Peter Griffin: “A man never asks for directions because he's a MAN.”
Indian: “Well, technically it's not gambiling. We are just trying to rebuild our shattered culture after you raped our land and defiled our women.”
Meg: “How ironic” Peter: “Hey hey don't talk about your mother that way. She's not an IRON. (Moron)
Peter: “I come from a long line of you people. My father's name was Jeep Grand Cherokee.”
Peter: Omigosh Brian, there's a message in my alphabets. It says OOOOO. Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.
Tree at fallen down tree: “Ooh look. I'm playing the world's smallest violin.”
Peter Griffin: “Canada Sucks”
Season 1 Episode 7 – Brian: Portrait of Dog
Stewie: “May I strut about all day like a beggar child on the streets of Calcutta.”
Meg: “Chris you're hogging up all the fans.” Chris: “Yeah, well, you're hogging up all the ugly.”
Peter: “Lois, honey, I love ya, but you're sucking all of the energy from the room.”
Season 2 Episode 1 – Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater
Chris: “If I ever go back to Cohague, it's to poke poor people with a stick.”
Peter: “Your ancestors were nothing but pimps and whores.”
Season 2 Episode 2
Francis: “You're a good woman Lois. Maybe you won't go to hell but Purgatory instead with all the unborn babies.”
Season 2 Episode 3 Lois: “Now Meg, don't you give it all to him up front. Make him work for it.”
Peter: “You said Nuclear...it's Nooklur dummy, the S is silent.”
Stewie: “Game over, man. Game over!”
Peter: “Without guns, how would our forefathers have settled their differences?” Depicts George Washington counting to ten and the two men walk in opposite directions. At ten they turn around and attack each other much like a catfight.
Look up Rosie Perez
Season 2 Episode 4 – Brian in Love
Quagmire: “I've never had a Spanish chick before! Olay!!”
Season 2 Episode 5 – Love Thy Trophy
Peter: “Esoteric is DELICIOUS”
Meg: “Can I have Eleven...hundred bucks?” Peter: “Hahaha...you WISH I loved you that much.”
Quagmire: “I was always at bed by 8 and home by 11.Oww hip thrust”
Peter: “This is a lamp, this is a chair, and you have boobies...”
Peter: “Wait, Meg, since when did you become a teenager?” Lois: “Peter, she's sixteen!” Peter: “Wait, you KNEW about this?”
Random woman: “Poor Stewie. Pancakes must be street for crack.”
Season 2 Episode 6 – Death is a Bitch
Nothing man, nothing.
Season 2 Episode 7
1:05
Samurai: “A la la la Miss Saigon a la la la Miss Saigon”
5:35
“As first lady of the American stage Helen Hays once said, “I'm going to kill you “
Peter: “Hey, can someone give me a hand with all this talent?”
Classes - Peter at art: “Am, am I supposed to draw the penis?” Peter at sculpting: “Am ,am I supposed to sculpt the penis?” Peter at conducting: “Am, am I supposed to conduct with my penis?”
9:05
Spanish Woman when Peter falls from the sky: “He is the answer to all my prayers” Her husband: “Por queeeeeeee!!!!”
11:30
Tom: In a bit of breaking news we now go live to Diane being a bitch, Diane??
18:10
Lois: “I mean if I just came here to watch your father get humiliated what kind of person would I be? Chris: “...a bitch.”
Season 2 Episode 8 – I'm Peter, Hear Me Roar
Peter: “Women are not people. They are devices built by the Lord Jesus Christ for our entertainment.”
Peter: “Hey hey, here's what I'm thinking. I can be Charlie and you can all be my angels. Except you. You be Bosley.
15:50 – BEST SCENE EVER
Peter: “I think I need a breast exam. Oh god oh god a lump a lump, no a cheeto...”
Lois: “Oh noooo life outside my kitchen is soo bright and scary. You must have caught me between pregnancies.”
Season 2 Episode 9 – If Im Dyin, I'm Lyin
Peter: “Chris, everything I say is a lie. Except that..and that..and that...and that. And that.”
Peter: “You gonna eat that stapler? ...Wanna split it?”
Random girl: “Mardy, I wanna be your fine sweet ass bitch kiss”
Season 2 Episode 10 – Running Mates
Peter: “She's right son. Your mother is not an object, listen to what it says!”
Lois: “Oh my god Peter he's going to wipe that species off of the face of the earth!” Peter: “No no, the janitor will.”
Peter: “Yeah yeah I know you're a feminist and I think that's adorable but this is grown up time and I'm the MAN.” The clitoris: Nature's rubix cube.
Season 2 Episode 11 – A Picture is Worth a 1000 Bucks
Chris: “It's partly an expression of my teenage angst”
Bing Crosby: “Are you giving me the lip boy? I'm going to take this belt and lay the smackdown on you.”
10:20 – Walt Disney Forces Minnie Mouse to take off her blouse....
Season 2 Episode 12 – Fifteen Minutes of Shame
Peter: “Maybe now I won't give you that antidote?” Meg: “What antidote?” Peter: “For the poison you just drank mwuhahahaha.”
Chris: “Hold up! This kind of acrimony isn't going to resolve our differences.” Peter: “Just shutup and throw a chair.”
Meg: “When did he die?” Cleveland: “We think sometime between the Tonight Show and the Today Show.”
Producer: “It's in the contract!” Peter: “Oh yeah? Well here's what I think of your contract. *motions to rip* I think it's awful and I don't much care for it at all, good sir!
Season 2 Episode 13 – Road to Rhode Island
Stewie: “Ooh, Snippy.”
Stewie: “I've read that starlight gives you cancer, but then again what doesn't give you cancer anyway nowadays?”
Season 2 Episode 14 – Let's go to the hop
Peter: “Trust me you don't want to do drugs, things got real way too fast” (Paraphrased)
Lady: “If you wanna be a supreme court justice you have to pick up that cherry with your buttcheeks and get it into that beer”
Judge: “A girl answered a math problem. You know what that means...A witch!”
Stewie: “Without nila wafers its just another one of your wretched culinary abortions.”
Season 2 Episode 15- Damnit, Janet!
Peter: “Give him a can of beans and a pocketful of dreams.” Naked Man: “Glenn, it took me two hours to work up the courage to buy this porno, now are you going to watch it with me or not?
Arabian guy : “Mumkin takuni mirati.” Lois: “Excuse me?” Arabian guy: “I said may I have a blanket.” Lois: “Ohh yes of course.” Arabian guy: “Hah, I really said “Will you be my wife” and you said yes. So now it is official. Let me touch your face.
Season 2 Episode 16- There's something about Paulie
Peter: “Just like you dodged the draft” Lois: “Peter what are you talking about? I'm a woman.” Peter: “Sure you are. Now.”
Peter: “Oh no Lois, a guy at work bought a car from the newspaper. Ten years later BAM. Herpes.”
Peter to Don of Mafia: “Haha do you want me to whack a guy, off a guy, or whack off a guy?”
Peter: “He didn't mean you're crazy like Elizabeth Taylor. He meant you're crazy like that...that glue. You stick to things.”
Brian: “What the helll are you talking about”
GPS: “In Soviet Russia, road forks you!”
Season 2 Episode 17 – He's too sexy for his fat
None. LOL.
Season 2 Episode 18 – E Peterbus Unum
Joe - “YES! LOCK AND LOAD! LOCK AND LOAD! BRING ON THE PAIN!!”
Peter: “Wait wait. I HAVE to draw you...you're why cavemen painted on walls.”
Season 2 Episode 19 – The Story on Page One
Lois: “I haven't been in a college campus in ages. Everything seems so different” Stewie: “Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears. That would ring some bells.”
Nerd: “Run little rabbit run. But someday our two worlds will be one.”
Season 2 Episode 20 – Wasted Talent
Peter: “Why did all the dinosaurs die out?” Museum Tour guide: “Because you touch yourself at night.” Season 2 Episode 21- Fore father
Black kid: “Bang. Now I'm Daniel Boone.”
Hic-a-doo-la!
Quagmire: “Hey, are we in Tianenmen? Because I see a square”
Season 3 Episode 1 – The Thin White Line
Brian: “They're not kids, they're midgets. Filthy drug-peddling midgets.”
Cop: “Additional generic cop compliment, Brian.”
Stewie: “I don't have to fucking impress you.”
Peter: “In fact I don't pay you at all. Count it! Basketball shot motion”
Season 3 Episode 2 – Brian does Hollywood
Stewie: “You know what lady? You are some piece of work...”
Stewie: “Or you could make yourself useful and wipe my buttox. Circular motion and don't you look at me!”
In reference to porn shoot, Brian: “So this is some kind of shampoo commercial right?”
Season 3 Episode 3 – Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington
Brian: “Oh please. Your excuses are lamer than FDR's legs.”
Season 11 – Friends with Benefits
Asian kid “Haha I pass you because you lose focus! Asian kid #2: “Damn. Lost focus. Life over.”
Guy: “Are you sure you don't need a condom?” Guy #2: “No, its ok. I'm a lawyer.”
Season 11- Jesus, Mar, and Joseph
Just funny quotes:
“True g's move in silence, like lasagna.