Duke Sues Itself for Malpractice
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FRIDAY, MARCTHH 30, 1990 © E CHOMICLE DUKE UNIVERSITY DURHAM, NORTH CAROLINA CIRCULATION: 15,000 VOL. 85, NO. 126 Rothschild case takes bizarre twist Faculty complains about Rothschild, Noriega are one and the same SDI but passes it anyway ByPHILHIRSCHORNY By UTTER MADNESS The facility will include The Baron Maurice de The Academic Junta large viewing rooms with one Rothschild, who posed as a rich whined and complained a lot way mirrors to allow research frat boy at Duke for over two Thursday about the proposed ers from the arts and sciences years, is really Gen. Manuel Science Defense Initiative to . watch various physicians Noriega, the deposed dictator of (SDI) and then voted to ap consult with their lawyers. Panama, The Chomicle has lear prove it anyway. ned. Initially SDI was to be lo SDI is a pathetic little $7.98 cated off Erwin Rd., next to De Rothschild, who is also extension of the Medical Cen the Pizza Hut. But the doc known as Mauro Cortez, Jeffrey ter designed to combat the tor's didn't like the idea of all Locke and Old Pineapple Face, growing number of lawsuits the hepatitis you can stand for evidently lived a double life both faced by doctors. But despite only $3.95. as an unassuming member ofthe the project's utter insignifi French House of de Rothschild The money-hungry admin cance, everyone was bitching and as Maximum Leader of a istration sold out after Medi about it anyway. Central American banana repub cal Center strongman Dr. lic. Dr. Chuck Putzman, the ad Ralph Snideman forked over ministration's mouthpiece, some more bucks. The admin De Rothschild is expected to be said the facility will be a vic istration agreed to raze Sci arraigned today before Judge tory for interdisciplinary sci ence Drive and put the new Patty Wagon on charges of drug MAURO CORTEZ/THE CHRONICLE MAUR0 CORTEZ/THE CHRONICLE ence. But that is obviously a facility there. The administra running, fraud and schizophre Maurice and . Maurice? load of crap. tion will also build a monorail nia. The royal ruler faces up to "All scientists on the cam from the Medical Center to 421 years in prison and may Despite a record of major crim erful of crimson panties at pus can learn in this facility SDI so the doctors will not have to share a jail cell with Jim inal offenses as long as Alaa Ab Manuel's hideout in Panama by watching Medical Center have to walk. Bakker and Charles Manson. delnaby's right arm, the authori City. Then we found out from his doctors collect six-figure A number of faculty ex The FBI, U.S. attorneys and tarian aristocrat was ultimately frat buddies that Maurice also salaries and handle malprac pressed outrage at this turn of Duke Public Safety all collabo done in after investigators linked had an affinity for bright-red tice suits," Putzman said. Oc events. rated on the investigation, which Noriega and de Rothschild by his frilly underpants," said Pubic casionally, some of the doctors "Under the treaties of took 10 months and covered extensive collection of red linger Safety Det. Lewis Warishell, ad will practice medicine also, he Locarno in 1926 as well as the leads in 24 states and 4 ie. ding that the determining factor lied. See SHAM on page 22 • countries. "First the army found a draw- See FOOLED on page 17 ^ Palm City sparks campus uproar By CARRY FELTCHER shower and go to the C.I. to eat a sausage Thousands of undergraduates mobbed biscuit and read Palm City. Then I go to The Chomicle offices with shouts of class and go back to the C.I. and read protest yesterday upon hearing that the Palm City. Then I take a nap and go to immensely popular Palm City cartoon the C.I. and read Palm City. And then I strip was being discontinued. change clothes and go to the C.I. for a beer Chants of "Save Palm City" and "Hang and to hit on girls and read Palm City to the editor" could be heard throughout the them. Without Crispen, my life would be campus as the usually comatose student meaningless. But I might get a few more body decided to take a stand on some girls," he reflected. thing. Chomicle editor Dregs Whitless "Palm City is so cool," said Dim Whit, defended his decision to mercilessly ax chair ofthe Crispen and Thigpen fan club, the cartoon. "We're the media dammit," just one of many officially recognized he whined. "We can do whatever we want ASSDUD clubs. "Crispen is like, my hero, and there's not a thing you can do about." you know? What would my day be like As news of the decision spread around SPECIAL TO THE CHOMICLE without him? I mean, I get up and take a See THIGPEN on page 13 • These East Germans are some of the many folks protesting The Chomicle Alumni children shown Duke sues itself for malpractice By MEL PRACTICE not to comment when sued." liant legal strategy reminiscent to be genetically better In a shocking legal twist, the The University's top legal ad of Clarence Darrow, Cocky is Medical Center is suing itself for viser did tell The Chomicle off centering his case on the destruc By RICH MAMA misuse of the experimental can the record, "Don't believe any tion of evidence. he said. "They just don't pay cer test R2-D2. Children of Duke alumni thing about what the other side "It's simple actually. If we off." University Counsel David is saying. David Cocky is a have been found to be geneti In order to accomodate the shred all relevant documents Cocky said the decision for the sneaky sonofabitch." then clearly we don't have any cally superior to everybody el non-alumni children, the Uni University to sue the University se, including most administra Cocky said he has hired Iran- case against ourselves," Cocky versity has had to increase was a result of the University's Contra slut Fawn Hall to help tors, according to Lazy Thun- special facilities and begin a said. "Good ol' Fawn here will be sloppy and life-threatening use of prepare the defense. Using a bril See DEATH on page 21 • derbird, director of Alumni- new remedial studies the controversial cancer test. Who-Shit-Gold Affairs. program, featuring classes This malpractice threatened the This finding will result in a such as Basic Utensils and financial well being of the Uni Inside Weather gradual phasing out of non- Toilet Training. versity, Cocky said. alumni kids, who will have to "Alumni children are so su "We decided that if we sued the LotS Of Stuff: Long articles go to state schools and less-ex perior we are even giving LyriCS: I wanna know, have pants off of ourselves, we would nobody ever reads. Intelli pensive private schools. them a new theme dorm, air you ever seen the rain? Listen be unable to pay damages to any gence-insulting letters to the "After extensive research, conditioned and carpeted. to the rhythm of the falling of the other numerous litigants," editor. Classified ads nobody we realized that ordinary stu We're going to call it Sigma rain. South central rain. Love Cocky said. understands. Erroneous bas dents tend to have six fingers, Alpha Epsilon," said Dick Cox, rain on me. I love a rainy Speaking for the defense, ketball predictions. In other flippers, and no lower jaws," See FREAKS on page 10 • night. And I wonder, still I Cocky declined to comment. "The words, the usual stuff. wonder, who'll stop the rain? University has a standard policy PAGE 2 THE CHOMICLE FRIDAY, MARCH 30, 1990 World & National Nailfile Full Court Press Soviets, Trump wonder: Where's the beef? Ahhhhh . see ya! Global By MARLA MAPLES former Premier Leonid Brezhnev. Donald Trump and our Secretary of Fast warming caused icebergs to melt and N.Y. Times News Service Yet an underground faction of Food deserve to be boiled in their own oceans of the world to subsequently Thousands of Soviet McDonald's em McDonald's supporters suddenly showed scalp oil." rise by 300 feet yesterday, destroying ployees met dollar dealer Donald Trump's up on the sacred steps of Lenin's Tomb, Trump had scheduled a week-long tour many coastal cities and the entire state arrival in Moscow on Thursday with jeers declaring a nationwide hunger strike if of the Soviet Union to assess the present of Florida in the process, National and hollers. the Soviet government refused to let them economic situation there, and to see Weather Service officials reported. "Burgers and frieskis! Trump can't force American fast food down their "whether I could give those down-trodden, buyski!" screamed fuming Soviet Big Mac throats. poverty-stricken workers a helping hand," The big One hitS: A huge, enor consumers, toting grim-colored signs on Yet these supporters were greatly out Trump explained. mous tremor measuring something Red Square. numbered by the restaurant's opponents. like 28.6 on the Richter Scale hit Cali The American billionare, owner of "We refuse to accept anything less than He planned to press on with his tour. fornia at 3:54 a.m. Thursday, but went twelve states and thirty-nine Third World Deepfriedski's resignation for the intro "It's obvious these people love me," said unnoticed since everyone was asleep. countries, flew to Moscow to meet with duction of the heinous and decadent the sickeningly-rich spoiled brat, who Secretary of Fast Food Fyodor Deepfryski burger and fries establishment," stated doesn't understand a word of Russian out Big headaches avoided: The to discuss the possibilities of replacing the Leana Vegetarianskaya.