FRIDAY, MARCTHH 30, 1990 © E CHOMICLE DUKE UNIVERSITY DURHAM, NORTH CAROLINA CIRCULATION: 15,000 VOL. 85, NO. 126 Rothschild case takes bizarre twist Faculty complains about Rothschild, Noriega are one and the same SDI but passes it anyway ByPHILHIRSCHORNY By UTTER MADNESS The facility will include The Baron Maurice de The Academic Junta large viewing rooms with one­ Rothschild, who posed as a rich whined and complained a lot way mirrors to allow research­ frat boy at Duke for over two Thursday about the proposed ers from the arts and sciences years, is really Gen. Manuel Science Defense Initiative to . watch various physicians Noriega, the deposed dictator of (SDI) and then voted to ap­ consult with their lawyers. Panama, The Chomicle has lear­ prove it anyway. ned. Initially SDI was to be lo­ SDI is a pathetic little $7.98 cated off Erwin Rd., next to De Rothschild, who is also extension of the Medical Cen­ the Pizza Hut. But the doc­ known as Mauro Cortez, Jeffrey ter designed to combat the tor's didn't like the idea of all Locke and Old Pineapple Face, growing number of lawsuits the hepatitis you can stand for evidently lived a double life both faced by doctors. But despite only $3.95. as an unassuming member ofthe the project's utter insignifi­ French House of de Rothschild The money-hungry admin­ cance, everyone was bitching and as Maximum Leader of a istration sold out after Medi­ about it anyway. Central American banana repub­ cal Center strongman Dr. lic. Dr. Chuck Putzman, the ad­ Ralph Snideman forked over ministration's mouthpiece, some more bucks. The admin­ De Rothschild is expected to be said the facility will be a vic­ istration agreed to raze Sci­ arraigned today before Judge tory for interdisciplinary sci­ ence Drive and put the new Patty Wagon on charges of drug MAURO CORTEZ/THE CHRONICLE MAUR0 CORTEZ/THE CHRONICLE ence. But that is obviously a facility there. The administra­ running, fraud and schizophre­ Maurice and . . . Maurice? load of crap. tion will also build a monorail nia. The royal ruler faces up to "All scientists on the cam­ from the Medical Center to 421 years in prison and may Despite a record of major crim­ erful of crimson panties at pus can learn in this facility SDI so the doctors will not have to share a jail cell with Jim inal offenses as long as Alaa Ab­ Manuel's hideout in Panama by watching Medical Center have to walk. Bakker and Charles Manson. delnaby's right arm, the authori­ City. Then we found out from his doctors collect six-figure A number of faculty ex­ The FBI, U.S. attorneys and tarian aristocrat was ultimately frat buddies that Maurice also salaries and handle malprac­ pressed outrage at this turn of Duke Public Safety all collabo­ done in after investigators linked had an affinity for bright-red tice suits," Putzman said. Oc­ events. rated on the investigation, which Noriega and de Rothschild by his frilly underpants," said Pubic casionally, some of the doctors "Under the treaties of took 10 months and covered extensive collection of red linger­ Safety Det. Lewis Warishell, ad­ will practice medicine also, he Locarno in 1926 as well as the leads in 24 states and 4 ie. ding that the determining factor lied. See SHAM on page 22 • countries. "First the army found a draw- See FOOLED on page 17 ^ Palm City sparks campus uproar

By CARRY FELTCHER shower and go to the C.I. to eat a sausage Thousands of undergraduates mobbed biscuit and read Palm City. Then I go to The Chomicle offices with shouts of class and go back to the C.I. and read protest yesterday upon hearing that the Palm City. Then I take a nap and go to immensely popular Palm City cartoon the C.I. and read Palm City. And then I strip was being discontinued. change clothes and go to the C.I. for a beer Chants of "Save Palm City" and "Hang and to hit on girls and read Palm City to the editor" could be heard throughout the them. Without Crispen, my life would be campus as the usually comatose student meaningless. But I might get a few more body decided to take a stand on some­ girls," he reflected. thing. Chomicle editor Dregs Whitless "Palm City is so cool," said Dim Whit, defended his decision to mercilessly ax chair ofthe Crispen and Thigpen fan club, the cartoon. "We're the media dammit," just one of many officially recognized he whined. "We can do whatever we want ASSDUD clubs. "Crispen is like, my hero, and there's not a thing you can do about." you know? What would my day be like As news of the decision spread around SPECIAL TO THE CHOMICLE without him? I mean, I get up and take a See THIGPEN on page 13 • These East Germans are some of the many folks protesting The Chomicle Alumni children shown Duke sues itself for malpractice

By MEL PRACTICE not to comment when sued." liant legal strategy reminiscent to be genetically better In a shocking legal twist, the The University's top legal ad­ of Clarence Darrow, Cocky is Medical Center is suing itself for viser did tell The Chomicle off centering his case on the destruc­ By RICH MAMA misuse of the experimental can­ the record, "Don't believe any­ tion of evidence. he said. "They just don't pay cer test R2-D2. Children of Duke alumni thing about what the other side "It's simple actually. If we off." University Counsel David is saying. David Cocky is a have been found to be geneti­ In order to accomodate the shred all relevant documents Cocky said the decision for the sneaky sonofabitch." then clearly we don't have any cally superior to everybody el­ non-alumni children, the Uni­ University to sue the University se, including most administra­ Cocky said he has hired Iran- case against ourselves," Cocky versity has had to increase was a result of the University's Contra slut Fawn Hall to help tors, according to Lazy Thun- special facilities and begin a said. "Good ol' Fawn here will be sloppy and life-threatening use of prepare the defense. Using a bril­ See DEATH on page 21 • derbird, director of Alumni- new remedial studies the controversial cancer test. Who-Shit-Gold Affairs. program, featuring classes This malpractice threatened the This finding will result in a such as Basic Utensils and financial well being of the Uni­ Inside Weather gradual phasing out of non- Toilet Training. versity, Cocky said. alumni kids, who will have to "Alumni children are so su­ "We decided that if we sued the LotS Of Stuff: Long articles go to state schools and less-ex­ perior we are even giving LyriCS: I wanna know, have pants off of ourselves, we would nobody ever reads. Intelli­ pensive private schools. them a new theme dorm, air you ever seen the rain? Listen be unable to pay damages to any gence-insulting letters to the "After extensive research, conditioned and carpeted. to the rhythm of the falling of the other numerous litigants," editor. Classified ads nobody we realized that ordinary stu­ We're going to call it Sigma rain. South central rain. Love Cocky said. understands. Erroneous bas­ dents tend to have six fingers, Alpha Epsilon," said Dick Cox, rain on me. I love a rainy Speaking for the defense, ketball predictions. In other flippers, and no lower jaws," See FREAKS on page 10 • night. And I wonder, still I Cocky declined to comment. "The words, the usual stuff. wonder, who'll stop the rain? University has a standard policy PAGE 2 THE CHOMICLE FRIDAY, MARCH 30, 1990 World & National Nailfile Full Court Press Soviets, Trump wonder: Where's the beef? Ahhhhh . . . see ya! Global By MARLA MAPLES former Premier Leonid Brezhnev. Donald Trump and our Secretary of Fast warming caused icebergs to melt and N.Y. Times News Service Yet an underground faction of Food deserve to be boiled in their own oceans of the world to subsequently Thousands of Soviet McDonald's em­ McDonald's supporters suddenly showed scalp oil." rise by 300 feet yesterday, destroying ployees met dollar dealer Donald Trump's up on the sacred steps of Lenin's Tomb, Trump had scheduled a week-long tour many coastal cities and the entire state arrival in Moscow on Thursday with jeers declaring a nationwide hunger strike if of the Soviet Union to assess the present of Florida in the process, National and hollers. the Soviet government refused to let them economic situation there, and to see Weather Service officials reported. "Burgers and frieskis! Trump can't force American fast food down their "whether I could give those down-trodden, buyski!" screamed fuming Soviet Big Mac throats. poverty-stricken workers a helping hand," The big One hitS: A huge, enor­ consumers, toting grim-colored signs on Yet these supporters were greatly out­ Trump explained. mous tremor measuring something Red Square. numbered by the restaurant's opponents. like 28.6 on the Richter Scale hit Cali­ The American billionare, owner of "We refuse to accept anything less than He planned to press on with his tour. fornia at 3:54 a.m. Thursday, but went twelve states and thirty-nine Third World Deepfriedski's resignation for the intro­ "It's obvious these people love me," said unnoticed since everyone was asleep. countries, flew to Moscow to meet with duction of the heinous and decadent the sickeningly-rich spoiled brat, who Secretary of Fast Food Fyodor Deepfryski burger and fries establishment," stated doesn't understand a word of Russian out­ Big headaches avoided: The to discuss the possibilities of replacing the Leana Vegetarianskaya. "People like our side of rouble. four remaining residents of East Ger­ failing McDonald's burger outlet with a many migrated to the West on new Trump Borsche King chain. Wednesday, eliminating the need for "Yes, borsche with all the fixings is a long, drawn out talks about unification new idea, but I am confident that the So­ plans between the two Germanys. viets will be flocking to Borsche King with Quayle plaything convicted a rouble in one hand and a soup spoon in $$$$$$." In a surprise move by the the other," the money mogul said with a Federal Reserve to boost consumer gleam of silver in his eyes. By CRASS N. PERVERTED most embarrassing things . . . Can- spending, thousands of Army planes "The recent installation of the Hydraulic Press dyland's no fun when you have to play dropped $100 bills over several major McDonald's eatery has been infested with Concerned parents have been bolting with a pervert." US. cities, including Durham, a plague of hardships," Soviet McDonald's doors and keeping children under close Hugh was caught peeking under the Thursday afternoon. manager Crisco Greasedenov squeaked watch, ever since the recent exploits of curtains in the women's dressing rooms in out. The Soviets just don't seem to appre­ Vice President Dan Quayle and his doll a Honolulu K-Mart Thursday. Quayle was Hi, Dan . . . George Bush resigned ciate the American delicacy. The concept Hugh. nowhere to be found, officials said. as President of the United States yes­ of actually eating those putrid meat con­ The doll, which has been satirized in terday, causing millions of Americans coctions doesn't seem to appeal to even the cartoon strip Doonesbury for the past "The only answer for Hugh's problems to flee to Canada or Mexico. our average Soviet teeny bopper," week, displays an erection when manipu­ is close attention and treatment," said the Greasedenov said. lated. (Ed. note: We are not making this famous Doctor Ruth, renowned for her Nation seeks publicity: Com­ Pepto Bismol shipments have increased up. Dan truly bought the thing.) psychoanalytic treatment of Vice Presi­ plaining that their nation was the only 200 percent within a ten-mile radius of dent Quayle's various illnesses. the restaurant in the last couple months, Hugh has been scheduled to go on trial obscure Eastern European country not officials said. to have been on TV in the past year, on Monday for illegal perverted acts. Quayle said that he would be on an im­ "Borsche King will be better for the thousands of Albanians demonstrated "Hugh just can't seem to behave portant top-secret mission in the Baha­ health and fitness of our people," panted somewhere in their capital city. himself," whispered Danny with a blush. mas next week, and "won't be around" for Olga Fondarovna, dance instructor for "Whenever I take him out, he does the the trial.

o/^DUKE DRAMA^W, The Black Student Alliance A7 presents f| presents 3rd Annual JULIAN BOND, World Premieres political activist and leader Festival

Saturday, March 31 7:00 p.m. Bryan Center APRIL 10-14,17-21 Sheafer Theater, Bryan Center Van Canon Hall no late seating

Two nights of new plays by Duke writers Reception to follow in Mary Lou Williams Cultural Center Page Box Office: 684-4444 J FRIDAY, MARCH 30, 1990 THE CHOMICLE PAGE 3 Condom machines getting plenty of use in the Allen Building

By LIFE STYLES — they're stronger than skulls!" The recent addition of condom ma­ "Nobody uses them for sex here at Duke chines into the offices of administrative anyway. Nobody here is getting any. This offices is expected to liven up the Allen isn't Bennington," said Jason Rockefeller, (iXmJlsil'D'n] •_33jJ.9Si lii; UiJ_!sy Building while making administrators a Trinity junior. even less accessible. PISCES spokesperson Omid Soojoodi- "It gives a needed break from the pres­ Hahaha verified that while dormitory •;;,: , 5 sures of finding new ways to screw the condom sales are up, the student body V students," said President Hearthrob remains sexually inactive. Keith Hard Body. "No one ever comes to us with sexual "Students don't understand how lonely problems, except for an occasional Kappa and boring it gets up here on the second Schmeg pledge who has gotten emotion­ •.•.•.!>.?^::w^-:<.-:^ floor," sobbed Old McDonald, executive ally involved with a chicken. We do get a vice president for money and other lot of questions about where to find heavy nebulous greedy things. "I look at all water," Soojoodi-Hahaha said. those students bringing in all that money, Students have complained that all Al­ and I realize that they just don't appreci­ len Building administrators have given «* II ate what they're getting. Gothic architec­ up their office hours since the installation O I ture, star professors, and now condoms. of the condom machines, and are in fact El O Well, we decided we wanted a piece of the spending their time behind magnetically •:-:&:M: HI MM action. But we wanted to do it safely." sealed doors. However, campus rumor has Instead of installing the spermlcidally it that waiting in the bathrooms for the administrator of choice can be rewarding. lubricated Prime condoms, located in the LJ.UJS;SS-S yj^izAzm.i^: dorms, the administration opted for rib­ "There's always a line to the condom 21 bed, Magnum condoms (for the extra-inse­ machine," said Shelly Marxist Major, a cure man), with pina colada flavored sper­ Trinity sophomore. "At first I thought micide. they were all buying tampons." "Like I said, safe and fun. You wouldn't expect us to be satisfied with just any condom," said McDonald. Auxiliary Services installed the condom Deane makes bid for Wasiolek's affection machines in the Allen Building after the incredible success in the dorms. Although By DAVID BLOOM impressed by his recent come-ons to her demic freedom or throw the faculty into a no one uses the condoms for disease or A wealthy alumnus said Thursday he at University social functions, but wanted hissy fit or anything," Baudy droned. pregnancy prevention, students have would pledge $50 billion to the University to make sure she got the message. Wasiolek was less than enamored ofthe found them to be even more fun when on only one condition — that he be able to "Sue's a right foxy lady. She really idea, but seemed resigned to the fate of filled with water and dropped from high marry Dean for Student Life Sue plows my garden," Deane said in an inter­ becoming Deane's personal dean. places. Wasiolek. view at the Power Company club in down­ "Disco's no young buck. He's not like "We just fill them up with water and Real estate magnate Disco Deane said town Durham. "She's been playing hard some of those studly Kappa Sigs I keep drop them from Trent," said Engineering he would be glad to donate to the Univer­ to get, but that's nothing a few Swiss company with," Wasiolek mused. "But as freshman Mort Gearhead. "Sometimes we sity, but that he needed a wife. banks can't fix." long as he hires a personal hairdresser for even fill them with heavy water. But "Real bad," he added. When asked if Wasiolek was worth $50 me, I think I could deal with it." those little rubbers don't even break then Deane said he thought Wasiolek was billion, Deane replied, "Sue's not cheap, if Deane added that he only paid $15 mil­ that's what you mean. And boy, she can lion for his first wife, Bertha, whom he really slay my dragon." divorced two years ago. "But that was in President H. Keith H. Baudy said he 1934, during the Depression. Women has not decided if he will accept Deane's were less expensive then," he explained. Incorrection offer, and likely will appoint a campus- If Deane's pledge can be worked out, it wide task force. will resolve a decade of disagreement be­ Wednesday's front page of The Chomicle uncovered scandals in the Medical Cen­ "Gee, Sue's certainly been a delightful tween the New Yawk financier and the ter, ASDU, development office, athletic department, Durham City Council, administrator to be associated with," University. Deane originally made the of­ Women's Center and Sigma Phi Epsilon. Baudy said, hiking up his baggy corduroy fer in 1979, but since has demanded cer­ Well, we really didn't mean it. In fact, everything was made up. A big lie. Irre­ pants. "But golly, we could build another tain strings be attached to the deal, in­ sponsible, yellow journalism you understand. You see, we were bored and had Medical Center with all that dough. " cluding renaming the Chapel the Deane nothing else to do. "And my goodness, I really don't think Dome and majority ownership of the The Chomicle regrets the errors. Forgive us our trespasses. the arrangement would infringe on aca­ Boyd-Pishko Cafe.

Our Congrats Blue Devils on a Terrific Seasonl Walk to lunch! Papagayos Creative Mexican Buffet Featuring Traditional Favorites: Chimichangas, Burritos, Enchiladas Plus... Design your own Nachos, will sponsor a lecture by Tacos, Fajitas, Taco Salads Professor Lee Poh Ping $ University of Malaya Visiting Fellow at the 4.95 Program on U.S.—Japan Relations Harvard University Includes Beverage Speaking On: Come join us for a "JAPAN, S.E. ASIA festive luncheon feast AND THE 11:30am until 2:00pm PACIFIC COMMUNITY' Monday through Friday Friday, March 30 at 3:30 p.m. FEATURING THE Hll SONGS "Al. OVER YOU" HUNGRY FOR ME AGAIN": "IN A SEXY MOOD-

ORPHEUS PICTURES--. A BONDED FILMWORKS PRODUCTION -A JAMES BOND III MOTION PICTURE Breedlove Room (204 Perkins Library) JAMES BOND III KADEEM HARDISON "DEF BY TEMPTATION" —BILL NUNN Papagayo SAMUEL L JACKSON MINNIE GENTRY RONY CLANTON... JOHN CANADA TERRELL Duke University—West Campus •. CYNTHIA BOND-".-....'.^FREDDIE JACKSON NAJEE.. MELBA MOORE, MADAM SONYA ~ .-;..DAVID CARRINGTON-.:.__.£..'_• FAW LAURENCE . ____ !"___TSROB BENEVIDES " '.ERNEST DICKERSON __.,,.'CHARLES MUGGINS KEVIN HAREWOOD NELSON GEORGE The lecture is free and open to the public. 501 Douglas Street • (919)286-1910 ...... KERVIN SIMMS HAJNA (_, MOSS "-- -'" - JAMES BOND III RESTRICTED r| •RmajS" fr' __ R i * *»_».*_•_* .» »_•.•_*.*.-# PAGE 4 THE CHOMICLE FRIDAY, MARCH 30, 1990 Farts CALENDAR Helms presents minimalist art Sunday, April 1 By ANDRES SARANWRAP Rickety said the next Puke Review is­ Everything We Know About Art Art is pure, art is life. Art is alive, art is sue will include photos of the exhibit, but Puke Review Staff dead. And thanks to local artist Jesse with black boxes strategically placed over Helms lodge, 7:30-7:31 p.m. Helms, art is inoffensive. the work to avoid offending the sensi­ The staff of (he Puke Review will discuss Helms, also a senator from North bilities of their reader. its knowledge of current trends in art, art throughout history and genera! topics of Carolina, recently opened his exhibit of Helms's work is astonishing in its use of aesthetics. The remaining 45 seconds will inoffensive art in the East Campus Gal­ nothing. No exhibit ever brought to the be used to plan the Review's upcoming lery. The exhibit consists of plain white University has ever done so much with "Burn A Book For Jesse'' party. canvas panels, with no images whatso­ absolutely nothing at all. The Joy Of Sackbut ever portrayed on them. When asked how the art exhibit relates Nelson Music Room, 8 p.m. "Ah feel that this art is somethin' peo­ to his upcoming campaign for re-election, A bunch of graduate students will play ple can look at without offendin' the Helms replied "Ah think the imagination sackbut music of the 15th century on au­ Christian heritage that makes this coun­ and creativity mah art shows reflects the thentic instruments of the period. Although try great," Helms said. kind of job ah will continue to do in the the music is more contemporary than that The Black Student Allies (BSA), howev­ U.S. Senate." of most music department offerings, it has ROBERT MAPLESYRUP / PANCAKES been gaining acceptance among the music er, plan to protest the exhibit. "We feel When asked how his work relates to department because the department just that this is a blatant portrayal of white minimalist works in other oeuvres, Helms The art of Helms: Inoffensive, invisi­ happens to own twelve of the damn things. supremacy," said former BSA honcho said "Ain't you such a cute thang?" ble Crane McQuigman. "We demand that the Monday, April 1 Galleries Committee, the University I Want Your Sex Union and East Campus itself should be Workshop production by Duke Drama defunded for allowing this ignorant junk Artist teases, pleases in Sheafer Branson Theater, 8 p.m. to be displayed on campus." Artists-in-residence Yousure El Linguini Helms responded by stating that no By SHA SHA HUMMINGBIRD cluding scene of Blue Velvet, an early and David Bull present a work-in-progress. government money was used for the ex­ Buddy Holly single and Beethoven's The play examines the topics of sex, poli­ A mystified audience was captivated by hibit. "Ah merely skimmed off some a my Ninth Symphony all played simultane­ tics, sex, relationships, sex, sex, music, sex, campaign treasury to pay for this art. Ah the cosmological and astronomical work aging, sex and sex. Viewer discretion is ad­ ously erupted from the quintophonic am wounded that people thank ah would of performance artist Xythos Strptezer in vised, as the subject matter is considerably Sheafer Theater last night. sound system. As the music started, tamer than most Duke Drama productions. use hard-earned tax money for frivlus Strptezer's work is profoundly influ­ Strptezer began to punch herself in the purposes." face repeatedly, symbolizing the inherent Poetry Reading Helms then excused himself, explaining enced by the writings of Thag, a Norwe­ letters to the Chronicle Editor masochism of history. that he was late for an important vote on gian househusband who revolutionized Flowers Building, 10 p.m. When the music ended abruptly, a Senate pay hike. amphibious performance art in the 12th The reading will include such master­ century. She also has many obvious repre­ Strptezer removed her clothes and Staff members of the Puke Review ex­ pieces as "The Chapel Bells are really loud," sentations of existentialist am- shouted "Ronald Reagan makes good pressed excitement over the exhibit. "I am "May I have two entrees, DUFS," "Sorority bisexualism in her work. pastry" several times, eliciting resound­ rush isn't superficial and anyone who says if just pleased to bee heerrrreeeee ttoooooo ing applause from the audience. is just needs to wear more makeup," "The ... ," said Puke Review co-founder The program began with Strptezer The artist then focused her attention on sports staff didn't come to yesterday's pep Stankey Rickety before Helms returned to standing atop a microwave oven, sym­ rally," "All men are rapists at heail" and a wading pool at the other end of the turn the wind-up key on his back. A photo bolizing man's supremacy over tech­ "You people are just irresponsible Pinkos." stage. Strptezer jumped into the pool and of the key-turning will be on the cover of nology. Suddenly, background music con­ the next Puke Review. sisting of Scottish bagpipe music, the con­ See KUMQUATS on page 8 \> HOME Walk to Campus. COURT FIFTY YEARS OF CAMERON INDOOR STADIUM _&,ke

For fifty years, Cameron Indoor Stadium (renamed in 1972 for Eddie Cameron) has been regarded as one of the best home courts in college basketball. Duke's 80 percent win­ ning average, its long line of championship teams, and its zany fans have given Cameron a spirit unrivaled anywhere.

Home Court brings together for the first time the complete story of Cameron Indoor Stadium, from construction in 1939 to appearances by renowned performersrprestigious speak­ ers and some of college basketball's greatest teams. This limited edition book with over 150 photographs is a must for your personal library. May it be The Apartment People OfKlHTIIMUT the Devils that or Ride (919) 684-3986 cut the nets. Upper Level Bryan Center Student Flex Cards Accepted Monday & Wednesday 8:30am-8pm the Duke Shuttle! Visa, Master Card & Tuesday, Thursday & Friday 8:30am-5pm American Express Saturday 10__m-4prn FRIDAY, MARCH 30, 1990 THE CHOMICLE PAGE 5

Elvis fanatic replaces exhibit with velvet Tuesday, April 1 Function of musica ficta on the 322nd note of the third movement of By DAVID LYNCH MOB against Mr. Mann. We just thought it was A 24-hour guard was placed on the Beethoven's Third Symphony and its In yet another daring art-world crime, a shame that as great a University as Perkins gallery and the Institute of the foreshadowing in the work of Palestrina, two men disguised as Public Safety of­ Duke didn't seem to have an appreciation Arts gallery after an anonymous phone Lassus, Josquin and Plato ficers broke into the Bryan Center art gal­ of real culture. We just thought it was our caller threatened to establish a shrine to Lecture by someone obscure lery late Thursday night. The thieves patriotic duty to do something to cure the Marilyn Monroe in either gallery. Diddle Music Building, 12:30 p.m. removed seven works by exhibited artist problem. The King lives!" In another program designed tor the un­ Artie Mann and replaced them with black Attributing the crime to the Alannah Students however, have begun a peti­ dergraduate layman, the music department Myles hit "Black Velvet," Tippy Gore of tion drive, stating that the denial of equal presents a lecture by Welsh professor velvet air-brushed pictures of Elvis. Sloven McCoggies. McGoggles is an expert A note found on the scene indicates that the PMSRC issued a statement condemn­ exhibition space to Elvis fans is not in on the 313th-345th notes ol the movement. the thieves' primary intent was to estab­ ing the crime as another indication of the keeping with Duke's Vision. President lish an Elvis shrine on campus. The let­ harmful effects of rock music. Jesse Tootie announced the formation of a task Friday the 13th Helms seconded Gore's assertion but com­ force to study the Elvis paintings and pos- ter, pieced together from People magazine Blood, Guts And Gore clippings, reads as follows: mented, "Those new pictures are much sibe tensions between Elvis and non-Elvis groups on campus. Workshop production by Duke Drama "We don't have anything personal better than the old ones anyway." East Duke Theater, 6:66 p.m. Not a play, not a one-act. (list live dis­ New exhibit displays the aesthetics of DUFS memberment for vour entertainment. Annoying By LEIF ENLADLE waste of the student activities fees which Wandering Guy, harmonica The aesthetic beauty of food will be on are so grossly extorted from us." The Puke East Campus, late at night display in the Brownie Gallery in the Review recently ran an opinion poll which We don't know who sponsor this guy, Bryan Center as the Galleries Committee used pictures of the works with black and we don't care. We just wish >'d cut it ofthe University Union presents "The Art boxes covering any exposed carrots or out. of DUFS." cucumbers. The food will be on display until April Brickhaus responded by accusing Lush Upcoming annoyances 14 thanks to the magic of preservatives. of eating certain works in the exhibit. "I "We're very excited to have this exhib­ was at the opening reception when all of a Damned Hanky-Pankees it," said Kim Brickhaus, chair of the Gal­ sudden this guy comes in and goes 'Great! Reynolds Theater, 8 p.m. leries Committee. "I feel that the work of I haven't eaten for almost 15 minutes!' Hoof 'n' Homy opens its latest musical, these fine artists has gone unnoticed for and the ziti piece was history," Brickhaus based on the life and times of Southerners who still think they won The War. Come sec too long." said. your friends perform classics such as The central work of the exhibit is the Lush was in the midst of responding to "We're Just As Good As Duke Drama .Really majestic "Dwight's Ultimate Nachos" this accusation at great length when a pa­ We Are)", as well as exciting new showstop- created at the East Campus Food Court. tron of the gallery exclaimed "Hey! The pers, including the funky rap/tap dance/ sex-oozing second act finale extravaganza. The work is stunning in its use of color, rice krispie treats disappeared," causing texture, shading and jalapenos. Lush to run from the gallery along with Exhibits several former staff members of Jabber- "I detect a distinct Bauhaus influence," witless. Playboy discussion said some idiot from a really annoying TV Other works in the exhibit include a Von Canon A, 8 p.m. commercial. particularly colorful example of East "Studies of a Male Nude" by student att The work has aroused controversy. Campus chicken teriyaki, turkey a la king BARRY SCERBO / DEL TACO ist Ian Wtckerbasket will be on display until Steve Banbaby runs him out. John Lush, publisher of the Puke Review, from Trent cafeteria and a look at the dif­ Dwight's Ultimate Nachos are the has labelled the work "obscene and a ferent styles found in C.I. pizza. ultimate in art, too.

DELICIOUS THINGS ARE Congratulations to the ALWAYS HAPPENING AT DUKE Basketball Team on a Spectacular Season!

GOURMET Good Luck in D tsiivtjrj EASIER LAMB Doug and Teresa Bartee WITH GARLIC POTATOES A tasting with Catherine Blue, Sat March 31, 1-5. Lots of other lamb ideas, too, and recipes are available. Accompaniments and lamb perfect wine suggestions. PAULINE 81 SID WAYNE Creators of "Honeycup, * Fowler's best selling mustard, will be in the stores Sat. April 7, 12-5 to sample the many uses of Hon­ eycup mustard salad dressing and antipasto. Gael Greene, food critic of New York Magazine, says "It's hot. It's sweet. This delicious mustard with a fiery aftertaste is a blessing..." LARGEST SELECTION OF PASSOVER WINES WE'VE EVER HAD mr$ 1A CAMPUS FLORIST GOURMET 700 9th Street Brightleaf Square • Durham • 683-2555 905 W. Main St. • Mon-Sat 9-7; Sun 1-6

* * * • « A « «. a « » * *. . * * < PAGE 6 THE CHOMICLE FRIDAY, MARCH 30, 1990 Administrators of the ACC Dookie big-wigs show where our tuition goes in latest Playbody special issue

By DAVID CHAN Does that sound strange to you?" Name: Keith Body The latest issue of Playbody has just hit Speaking of strange and money, Joel the stands with its feature Fleishman-Margarine bared his all for a Age: over 18 "Administrators of the ACC" and the stu­ few bucks, too. "Hey, it all goes to the dents are snatching them up. Capital Campaign. I didn't keep a penny," Measurements: Small enough to The issue, shot on campus last fall, Fleishman-Margarine said. "Well, okay, cause him to hitch up those blue cordu­ sports several top Dook administrators of maybe a few bucks. But I needed an eye­ both sexes strutting around in the buff. brow trim, and those things don't come roy trousers all the time. President and cover boy Keith Body cheap." said he was a little nervous posing at Connie Peacefreak, ASDUDE presi­ Turn OnS: Yellow Mercedes station- first. "It's not like undressing in front of dent, said she had no plans to protest wagons, task forces and committees, your doctor or your mother. But I just Body's and Anlyan's actions. "No one was trustees, yellow rain slickers pretended like I was back in high school exploited, so why should we protest. A lit­ changing with all my buddies for gym. Ex­ tle humiliation is exactly what those peo­ Tum OffS: Problems, controversy, cept this time one of them had a camera." ple need. Besides, did you see Anlyan's peace vans, public relations, tight Body said he originally planned to ap­ tush?" she swooned. pants, Joel Fleishman's bushy eye­ pear in his tighty-whities. "But I was just Playboy spokesperson Liz "Traitor to brows having so much fun and I got so carried her Gender" Norris spouted the typical away that I couldn't seem to keep them magazine party line. "Everybody wants to on." be in Playboy. Besides, no one looks at the Also included in the issue were Mar­ pictures anyway; they just read the arti­ garet Butes and Paula Burgermeister- cles." Name: William Anlyan meisterburger. Both hold some kind of job in the provost's office, but nobody's really Gene Hardcorrigan, head honcho of the Age: birth certificate not available sure what. "We wanted to appear togeth­ ACC, said the league supports adminis­ er," they chimed out in unison. "We work trators right to appear in the magazine, Measurements: 411"; 35-35-35 together, we eat together, we sleep to­ and even plans to buy a few copies him­ gether, we share everything." self. "We are an athletic league, but Turn OnS: Big NIH grants, cute little there's nothing wrong with spicing our Dookies received a special surprise to bowties, Schlitz malt liquor, medical find that William "Beef Anlyan was cho­ image up a little," he said. "Besides, empires, hospital towers, competitive sen to grace the centerfold. "I haven't had Brodie has a cute tush. And that Mar­ tennis so much fun in over a hundred years," garet Butes, what a hot little number!" said Anlyan. Hardcorrigan expressed some disap­ Turn OffS: Betty Eldreth, short "Besides, I'll do anything for a buck," pointment he was not asked to strip for jokes, snotty rich undergrads, Disco Anlyan added. "Money. Boy, I just love posterity himself. "I'm not so bad looking. Deane the stuff. I love to sleep in it. I love to get In fact, as far as directors of athletic con­ that green ink all over my hands. Then I ferences go, I'm pretty damn cute. I think wipe it on my face till I'm green all over. I'll go stand naked in front of a mirror."

UNDERGRADUATE HUMAN DEVELOPMENT PROGRAM ftfS Fall Semester, 1990 This certificate program • is easily integrated with a variety of majors • provides an intellectual focus within a major • illustrates the complementarity of disciplinary knowledge CONSCIOUSNESS: • offers curriculum planning advice A Requirement for the 90's • prepares students for post-graduate study with a research apprenticeship and related seminars Part II Core program courses for the Fall Semester are of a series of VI forums IDC 124 (Psy 124/Soc 124) Human Development TTh (12:10-1:25) George Maddox and Staff sponsored by the This first program course (especially for sophomores) is Black Student Alliance typically taught by faculty whose research demonstrates the complementarity of disciplinary knowledge. Limited enrollment. PSY 159S Biological Psychology of Human Development. Sunday, April 1,1990 Mondays (TBA) Robert Thompson (Medical Psychology) 2:00 p.m. - 3:30 p.m. This limited enrollment course uses clinical case Bryan Center- materials to illustrate normal and pathological development from infancy through old age. Program Film Theater second level course. By permission. For information about other recommended electives, request a program brochure. Everyone is Welcome!! George L. Maddox, Ph.D., Program Director Box 2920, Duke University Medical Center Durham, NC 27710 684-6118 FRIDAY, MARCH 30, 1990 THE CHOMICLE PAGE 7

Name: Paula "Blah-Blah" Burger Name: Margaret Bates

Age: On the young side Age: tenure track

Measurements: quite reasonable Measurements: bigger than An­ lyan Turn OnS: l-900-LETS-GAB, lec­ turing, tuition-fixing, admission of­ Turn OnS: Old musty classrooms, the ficers, The Chomicle Third World, high heels

Tum OffS: Child care, administra­ Turn OffS: The Medical Center, tive bullies, moments of silence, teeto­ trustees, ASDU, men's facial hair talers

Name: Phil Griffiths Name: Dick White

Age: (-8x + c)*3.14159 Age: over the hill

Measurements: a2 + b2 = c2 Measurements: my sense is that he's of medium size Turn OnS: Unbreakable combs, graduate students, academic plans, the Tum OnS: Pretty flowers, black C.I., the English department faculty, happy hour, tight schedules, ice cream Turn OffS: Undergraduates, The Chomicle, the English language, com­ Turn OffS: Marxist faculty, under­ puter problems graduates

* DUKE UNIVERSITY MUSEUM OF ART THERE IS STILL TIME TO REGISTER i^^THE^rtH for this new, on-campus program -tt J J j RUTRS ^^ Asian and African Languages and Literature and the Summer Session will offer a nine-week, two-course J". J J I AESTHETIC WW* INTENSIVE JAPANESE BLACK CULTURE AND MODERNISM Sunday, April 1 3:00 P.M. Etta Baker LANGUAGE PROGRAM Blueswoman Etta Baker will give a talk and concert ON CAMPUS DURING Film Wednesday, April 4 7:30 P.M. SUMMER SESSION 1990 Let the Good Times Roll (98 minutes)

Courses offered are: Sunday, April 8 3:00P.M. Renowed chef Edna Lewis will demonstrate traditional Southern JPN 10-11: Intensive Elementary Japanese cooking JPN 60-61: Intensive Intermediate Japanese Concert Wednesday, April 11 8:00 P.M. Students in the program will be housed in Mitchell Blues, Boogie, Swing, and Jazz Dormitory, take meals together, participate in Featuring Robbie Link, Steve Wing, and Brother Yusef Salim, co-curricular activities such as calligraphy, Japanese Ray Codrington, John Hanks cooking, films, tv, origami in order to create an ideal Tuesday, April 17 7:30 P.M. environment for intensive language study. "R. Crumb on Blues." Lecture by cartoonist R. Crumb Concert Wednesday, April 18 8:00 P.M. For more information contact: Jazz- The Mainstream with a Touch of Blues Yasumi Kuriya, Japanese Instructor Featuring Ed Paolantonio, Scott Sawyer, David Via, Asian and African Languages and Literature Charles Dungey, and Carter Minor 2111 Campus Drive, 684-2604 Film Wednesday, April 25 7:30 P.M. Totaling 100 minutes. Give My Poor Heart Ease; Mississippi Delta Bluesman; St. Louis Blues; Dizzy, Boogie Woogie Dream, Rhapsody in Black and Blue, Black and Tan; Josephine Baker at the Folies Bergeres; Symphony in Black Concerts made possible by Ford Motor Company SUMMER SESSION Films cosponsored by Duke University Film and Video Program PAGE 8 THE CHOMICLE FRIDAY, MARCH 30,1990 Strptezer shows joy Theme dorm asks students to take it off By BUCK NAKED I've been eyeing since freshman year," whined Herewego of nudity and ravioli In an attempt to get back to the way things were Again, Buchanan resident. "Besides, Buchanan is air- meant to be, the Committee to Destroy West Campus conditioned. What do a bunch of nudists need with an Housing for Independent Males (SCREW EM) has ap­ air-conditioned dorm? They'll freeze their buns off." • KUMQUATS from page 4 proved a student proposal for a nudist theme house. Residents of neighboring Sigma Alpha Epsilon were imitated several animals, including a piranha, a seal The Bare's Den "will help bring us back in touch with overjoyed at the decision. "When we found out, I got so and a brown otter. This display of uninhibited eroti­ our true selves by stripping away the rhetoric we wrap excited I spilled my beer all over myself," said Montgom­ cism elicited gasps from the audience. ourselves in," said dorm founder Ian Candlewickersham. ery Sloop, an SAE brother. "We and our alumni lobbied Strptezer then turned to an on-stage motorcycle "By disrobing, we will remove these man-made barriers hard for the dorm to be placed right back of us." and danced sensuously around the handlebars while from our lives and open ourselves to the true meaning of The dorm will also be right across the bus stop from reciting the lyrics to Led Zeppelin's "The Lemon life." the offices of several University administrators, a factor Song." To illustrate the poignant irony of this scene, Interest in the dorm has been high, he said. "As soon Griffin said had no bearing on the decision to place the Strptezer pulled a long cord, causing a bushel of as the guys found out it was coed, we had to have dorm in Buchanan. "That's prepostorous! The fact I like lemons to fall on top of several audience members. ASSDU send out line moniters to patrol the students to work late at night had no bearing on my decision." waiting to pick up applications." Other Allen Building denizens were out buying binoc­ Jazz played an important role in the next segment, Response from females has also been good, Candle­ ulars and could not be reached for comment. as every Miles Davis album played simultaneously wickersham drooled. The Neuter Coalition expressed diappointment with while Strptezer writhed on the floor and moaned The tremendous student reponse was instrumental in the new dorm. "There's nothing for us to protest, gosh "Packed with peanuts, Snickers really satisfies," ef­ SCREW EM's decision to approve the dorm, said Wil­ darn it," said Ding A. Ling. "It's not like Playboy insti­ fectively capturing the eroticism ofthe music. liam Griffin, vice president for student affairs. "The stu­ gated this. The students said they wanted it. Because Strptezer then abruptly segued into the grand dents have spoken, and for once we decided to listen." it's coed, it doesn't objectify anybody. " statement of her performance, rising from the floor to Not all students are happy with the decision. The ASSDU plans to debate a resolution Monday night exclaim "I am neither zombie nor fish nor board nor dorm is scheduled to split Buchanan Dormitory with the protesting the new dorm, but who really cares? wood nor farm boy! I am ravioli alfredo!," prompting Square Table theme house. Current residents of "Other than a few screwed up wackos and the frat an immediate ovation from the audience. Buchanan protested strongly. brothers next door who think this is the next best thing "Why are they taking more prime student housing? to being in the dogpound when every dog is in heat, Pretty soon there will be no housing left for independent there is no widespread support for this issue," said Skip males. Besides, I want that single on the second floor Assdumeetings, ASSDU representative for Bassett. HOLLOW ROCK RACQUET & SWIM CLUB The OPEN HOUSE Duke University March 31 (10-5) Department of Music presents the April 1 (12-6) «•______«______«/ ]_-_____«,» Llie 1 ^m^m^mmm^m Draw for Prizes V) President's Concert \(j (free membership, free dues, pro shop gifts) honoring Refreshments Play Tennis Tours Dr. and Mrs. H. Keith H. Brodie 50% Discount featuring the on initiation fee for new DUKE WIND SYMPHONY members through June! George Naff, conductor Call 489-1550 for more information with pianist TIBOR SZASZ performing George Gershwin's Rhapsody in Blue Admission Free - Public Invited Friday, March 30,1990 - 8:00 p.m. Baldwin Auditorium - East Campus

THE PARTISANS OF VILNA One ofthe most important films on the Holocaust will be shown MONDAY, APRIL 2ND First Showing: 9:30 AM Room 201 SUMMER SESSION STUDY ABROAD PROGRAMS Perkins Library Second Showing: 7:00 PM Video Viewing Room Dublin/Edinburgh/ 114 Languages Bldg. London This program is sponsored by the Duke Center for Judaic Studies. Space is limited, so please call 684-5654/6796 Durham/ to reserve a space. The film is free and open to the public. England

KEEP THAT SPRING BREAK TAN! GREAT PRICES! Individual visits $5.00 180 minutes for $25 550 minutes for $45 780 minutes for $60 1350 minutes for $100 PLUS 1 FREE VISIT with purchase of any package. Bring this ad with you and receive an additional 45 minutes. Contact the Program Director Wolff Tanning Systems • New Bulbs/4 Beds or Offer expires 4/10/90 121 Allen Bldg. 2635 Chapel Hill Blvd., Durham 489-SUNNY (7866) 684-2621 just 5 minutes from Duke Campus iii_fii*ii__*_rfiiTT___a«a-___fa FRIDAY, MARCH 30, 1990 THE CHOMICLE PAGE 9 ASDU Uber Ailes: students declare war on new Germany

By ALLEY OOP committees. In a special session last night, the "ASDU who?" asked Hans Mueller of remaining five ASDU legislators ratified Frankfurt, when told of the legislature's president Commie 'Screaming' Piercing's vote. call for war with soon to be re-unified Ger­ many. IN OTHER BUSINESS: Laura "We think peace is a stupid waste of Brownnose, head of Bothersome Line time," said Seth Sauerkraut, Trinity Monitoring Policy, announced that, be­ sophomore and SOCK member, who had cause of the lack of legislators to work the no qualms about declaring war on the lines, next year's policy would be differ­ land of his ancestors. "Someone had to ent. HANZ UND FRANZ/THE CHRONICLE take the initiative. If we didn't do it, the Brownnose said an hour before the Brady Bunch Club would have. They're game students will race from the Chapel ASDU announced that it was going to attack these East Germans. But these bigger than us now anyway," he said. steps to Cameron Indoor Stadium, duking folks don't look none too scared. In fact, they sure looked pissed off to me. If The formal vote for war came after 80 it out for seats on the TV side. you ask me, ASDU screwed up. But that's just my opinion. legislators were declared in bad standing Attorney Five-Star General Joan and stricken from the roll, leaving five "Gimme a Hand" Towel announced that, members officially in the legislature. while she is leading the assault on the "Thank God no one called the quorum," Sudetenland, class elections will be de­ said Bill "The Fonz" Greaser. cided by the flip of a commemorative coin. There was furious debate, most of it by Towel showed the artistically embossed Jon Rosencrantz, SOCK chair, who al­ coin to the legislature, which has one side most came to blows with himself. bearing a Med-Center doctor strangling a "We should kill them all! No mercy! Kill patient with a stethoscope and the flip kill kill the Krauts!" exclaimed side depicting Brodie from a recent Play­ Rosencrantz. "No offense to you, Seth." boy pictorial. "No one's paying attention to reason Don't-Eat-Me Korahigas was taken here," retorted Rosencrantz. "This war is kicking and screaming from the assembly Restaurant going to raise the activities fee by 3.5 bil­ hall after attempting a disorganized, one- since 1759 lion dollars and 67-cents. Students just man coup. The Chomicle learned about won't have it." the coup in advance from a Korahigas Bed and Breakfast Rosencrantz dismissed his previous press release they read by mistake, but point as insignificant, saying he would promptly ignored it. 153 West King Street, Historic Hillsborough • 15 minutes from Duke 732-2461 pay the 67 cents himself. "Besides, I'm "The executive committee is behind me sick and tired of being called apathetic, 100 percent! The election was a sham! Ev­ Steaks • Seafood • Homecooked Vegetables just plain sick and tired," he said. "People eryone loves me! Everyone! They can't get Homemade Desserts • A la Carte or Family Style Dining are going to take notice of ASDU now!" enough of me!" Korahigas wailed, as he The ASDU army will consist of mem­ was being tossed out of the assembly hall Lunch 11:30-2:00 Tues. -SaL • Dinner 500-8:30 Tues-Sat. Mr. and Mrs. H. Carlton McKee, Jr. bers of the more than 400 pointless ASDU by Greaser, who'd had enough. Open all day Sunday - Closed Mondays Beer and Wine • Major Credit Cards Innkeepers luality Service - Outstanding Pric CD 286/12 • 8028612MHz " • 512KB RAM expandable to 4MB • 5.25" 1.2MB or 3.5" 1.44MB • Enhanced 101 -key keyboard • Monitor included When it comes to food, we take our jobs very seriously. We have a 100- 20 MB $995 item menu and two separate kitchens to cook our meals. You 40 MB $1149 have not eaten the finest cuisine until you have lasted ours. Chefs CD 386SX CD 386/20 Simon Chan, Giovanni Caligari, Chung Yuan and Dima Hernendez have a combined experience of 80 years in cooking. W 80386SX-16MHz • 8038620MHz • 1MB RAM expandable to 16MB • 1MB RAM expandable to 16MB • 5.25" 1.2MB or 3.5" 1.44MB • 5.25" 1.2MB or 3.5" 1.44MB drive The Best Italian & Chinese cuisine served • Enhanced 101 -key keyboard • Enhanced 101 -key keyboard in one unique restaurant! • Monitor included • Monitor included Please Bring Your Friends for a Lavish International Sunday Buffet

20 MB $1399 Prime Rib Shrimp Vegetables Chicken Picante Eggplant Parmagiana Curry Chicken Spring Rolls 40 MB $1549 40 MB $1749 Beef Broccoli fresh fruit & dessert 6 mixed salads Shrimp Cocktail 3 Year Parts and Labor Warranty All You Can Eat $8.95 Lunch: 11:30-2:30 (except Sat.) children under 10 half-price Sunday International 933-5565 fJ fi Computer Directions Luncheon Buffet: 11:30-2:30 INCORPORA E D Dinner: 5:00-9:30 Weekends: 5:00-11:00 Marco Polo DURHAM * LOCATIONS ALSO US 15-501 DUKE Parkway Plaza AVAILABLE: Raleigh, Chapel Hill 4201 University Dr. Cary, Greensboro, Rocky 1813 Durham-Chapel Hill '\ Exit 270 (919) 489-8994 Mount, Fayetteville, Blvd. Performance Richmond, Virginia Beach located next to Iirendle's 10 minutes from Duke Chev/BMW Congratulations Duke Blue Devils On A Job Well Done! "ET All Major Credit Cards Accepted PAGE 10 THE CHOMICLE FRIDAY, MARCH 30, 1990 Administrators want poor six-fingered freaks out now • FREAKS from page 1 dean of residential life. snugglebums?" Thunderbird's announcement rocked Snugglebums absently nodded agree­ the scientific world. Dr. Hal ment from under her purple and blue "Breakthrough" Bollinger, pioneer of spiked hair with the walkman CD player room temperature fusion and spontane­ blasting out Corrosion of Conformity. ous generation at the University of Utah, Thunderbird also announced a new ad­ made a personal call to Thunderbird. "He missions plan for alumni children. "For told me he'd try to get me one of them applicants with two parental alums, the Nobel prizes," said Thunderbird. application is quite simple. They include a The folks in the Duke — Admit 'Em If bit of information on their family's income They Got the Dough — Office have in­ and register for classes. If only one parent creased alumni recruitment by leaps and is an alum, the process becomes a bit bounds since Thunderbird's announce­ more complicated. They may have to send ment became public. "It was simple. We a transcript or something. We do want to just convinced them they really didn't keep this as fair as possible to the spe­ want their children going to school with cially gifted." six-eyed mutants and told them if they Thunderbird said non-Duke alumni sent their children to Duke, the only mu­ children would also be considered, espe­ DON'T YOU KNOW BY NOW WHO TOOK THIS? /THE CHRONICLE tants they would see would be the escap­ cially those from schools like Harvard and These East Germans weren't too happy to find out they probably won't ever be ees from the Medical Center," Thunder­ Yale. "They're almost up to our level of in­ able to get into Duke. In fact, if you ask me, they look kind of pissed. But that's bird said. telligence, wealth and arrogance." just my opinion. "I was shocked when I found out what He added that those students would be those other children are like," said Ginny housed exclusively on East Campus. Ann Shitgold, cradling her own perfectly "Everybody knows the Ivies don't party, formed little one. "I could never let my lit­ so why should they take up valuable West tle sweetie-pie near those horrid crea­ Campus space," Thunderbird asked. tures. So the only reasonable course is to "They'll be much happier in the quiet con­ We're proud of the Duke Blue Devils! send her to Duke. Isn't that right fines of East anyway." Congratulations for a Super Season

am'di__^ S Qulkl fe Shop] %^fr Make Sam's Your One Stop Shop For: *Beer specials in just about every brand. FESTIVAL KEGS available if you're celebrating in a big way. •One Hour Photo Processing. APRIL M5,1990 •International wine selection. •Easy Car Wash with 2 options SPECIAL THANKS TO: The Durham Hilton, Host Hotel of the /5 bays for the personal attention North Carolina Intonation Jazz Festival Trans World Airlines, for air transportation that only you can give your car. South Square Motors, for grourd transportation /Automatic slant brush when you prefer

and th* following to let the machine do the work. Duko Unhroratty Programs: •Videos with over 2,800 titles. Jazz Studies Program Office of Cultural Affairs •Newspapers, magazines and paperbacks. University Union Mary Lou Williams Cultural Center ERWIN ROAD (between East & West Campuses) SUNDAY, APRIL 1 OPEN 6:30 a.m. to MIDNIGHT 286-4110 JAZZ MEETS GOSPEL • Newsstand • Special party prices on • Out of town large beer or wine orders Jon Metzger, vibraphone, newspapers • Hundreds of magazines plus the Twilights Gospel Group 8:00 p.m., Nelson Music Room, Duke University East Campus. $5 public, $4 students, part ofthe Festival Package.

SATURDAY, APRIL 7 The Italian Jazz All Stars, Valery Ponomarev and the Paul Jeffery Quartet WALTER NICKS 8:00 p.m., Nelson Music Room, Duke Teacher/Choreographer University East Campus. $8 public, $6 students, part of the Festival Package. of Jazz/Dance

THURSDAY, APRIL 12 Curtis Fuller, trombone with the Duke Jazz Ensemble 8:00 p.m., Baldwin Auditorium, Duke who will discuss University East Campus. $6 public, $4 student, part of the Festival Package. "My Ufe in Musical Theater" Friday, March 30 at 3:00 p.m. SATURDAY, APRIL 14 The Giants of Jazz, featuring Curtis Mary Lou Williams Center Fuller, trombone; Walter Bishop, 02 West Union piano; Wallace Rooney, trumpet; Gary Bartz, alto sax; Cameron Brown, bass; Carl Allen, drums; and Paul Jeffery, Walter Nicks is internationally known as a tenor sax. teacher of jazz and contemporary dance and 8:00 p.m., Page Auditorium, Duke has choreographed for theater, film, and University West Campus. $12 public, television. He began his career as a dancer $9 students, part of the Festival with a Benny Goodman national tour and Package. over the years has worked with many other leading choreographers on Broadway, Festival Package: including George Balanchine, Herbert Ross, Duke University concerts and Jack Cole. April 1,7, 12 and 14 Everyone is invited to this free, informal presentation. General public $20, students $15 Walter Nick's visit is co-sponsored by the American Dance For ticket infomation Festival The Duke Dance Program, and the Duke Institute of _ and a complete schedule, the Arts. For more information call 684-6654. __* call Page Box Office at 684-4444. FRIDAY, MARCH 30, 1990 THE CHOMICLE PAGE 11 NOTICE! Rosebud's® TO ALL STUDENT LOAN BORROWERS Restaurant Win or Lose, Duke is Always # 1! All May 1990 graduates who have received loans through the £ irving Authentic 9{prtttern Italian Cuisine Duke Student Loan Office should arrange for an Exit Interview Traditional Entrees and Elegant Specialties March 28,1990 thru April 6,1990. • Veal Marsala • Fettucini, Salmone, Afifumicato-Smoked Please call 684-3038 immediately Salmon in a dill cream sauce for an appointment Scallops Marinara

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Don't miss your chance to get rid of those stinky, sweaty smelly sneakers. Just bring old sneakers and DSG SPORTS will give you up to $Ort in trade on a new pair! ™^^ Choose from over 400 Sanders Florist 1100 Broad Street different styles 286-1288 including Nike, Reebok K-Swiss and many more. The Creation HURRY! by Franz Joseph Haydn Sale ends Sunday, April 8 Open Mon-Sat 10-9 Sunday 1 -6 DUKE UNIVERSITY in & A Will CHAPEL CHOIR Sports specialists and team outfitters AND ORCHESTRA Rodney Wynkoop, Conductor Sunday, April 1,1990 DSG SPOUTS 4:00 P.M. Duke University Chapel Northgate Mall, Durham Golden East Crossing, Chapel Hill North Hills Mall, Raleigh Oak Creek Village,Durham University Mall, Chapel Hill South Square Mall, Durham Tarrymore Square, Raleigh Now open til 9 Parkwood Mall, Durham Tickets priced at $5.00 available March lat Page Box Office or by writing CREATION, 110 Page, THE CHOMICLE. Nothing but the facts Durham, NC 27706 PAGE 12 THE CHOMICLE FRIDAY, MARCH 30,1990 Bird seed, tgg prices among top state news stories ofthe week

From off the tops of our heads Tar Holes ripped Off: Several thousand copies of the The Daily Tar Hole were stolen from newstands NJ briefs around Chapel Hell and Durham on Thursday. Birdseed recalled: The U.S. Food and Drug admin­ Daily Tar Hole general manager Why Me said he istration today issued a recall of a popular brand of bird­ • A general feeling of well being. blamed the paper's editorial position for the theft. Mon­ seed because of concerns it might actually be healthy for • A clearing up of conditions such as blocked arteries day's Tar Hole blasted Duke University simply because humans to eat. or some forms of cancer. they have a basketball team that has gone to the Final Studies by the FDA show the birdseed, Purina's Ca­ • A reduction of cold symptoms. Four again this year. nary Chow, does not cause cancer in humans or lab ani­ "Them Dookies found out we was planning to run an­ mals, and even prolongs life by a number of years. The Egg prices rise: For the fifth week in a row, egg other edit Thursday. This time we'all was going to blast FDA, in its recall order, said anything prolonging hu­ prices in North Carolina made modest gains. This fol­ them because their fans stood up and yelled during man life that much is inherently dangerous. lows an earlier slump in the egg market in late January games, and that is just downright impolite. Somehow "If people are allowed to live longer, they will draw on and early February, NCDA officials reported. they must have found out about it and come over to steal Social Security longer, using up the Social Security trust Eggs Over the Rainbow, an Easter and Passover sea­ the papers." fund, thereby increasing the deficit and reducing our son publicity campaign to sell more eggs, is credited for Duke students denied the charges. "What paper? budget. Therefore, we urge all consumers who have much of the increase. " 'Eggs Over the Rainbow' has What school? Don't bother me now, I'm too busy running Purina'a Canary Chow to discard immediatly, and under been instrumental in the increase in egg sales and around sliding in the mud, getting trashed and burning no circumstances should they allow it to pass through prices," eggsclaimed Jim Bob Egghead of the North benches," said Braxton Perkins, a BOGger and sopho­ their lips," said the FDA's statement. Carolina Egg Board. more from Nashville, Tennessee. "Where's the keg?" The North Carolina Department of Agriculture (NCDA) echoed the federal warnings. "We don't need any more senior citizens out there. We don't even have room for the ones we have now. The last thing we need are more of them, living longer and healthier, and spending more of our inheritance," said N.C. Agriculture Commisar Jim Grahamcracker, biting into a thick, greasy slice of bacon. Symptoms that the seed might be affecting you: EXTRA, EXTRA, READ ALL ABOUT IT! SUMMER SESSION REGISTRATION BEGINS PRINTING • T-SHIRTS • UNIFORMS MONDAY . APRIL 2 • CAPS • GOLF SHIRTS • JACKETS SUMMER 1990 TARHEEL SCREEN PRINTING TERM 1 TERM II MAY 17 - JUNE 30 JULY 3 - AUGUST 16

'SPECIALIZING IN COMPUTER GRAPHIC ARTWORK & SERVICE Summer Session Office 121 Allen Building 684-2621 477-8989 3316 GUESS RD ACC TOURNAMENT SHOCK YOUR PARENTS! Cameron Study Yiddish and Jewish Literature March 31/April 1 Ydh. 181 Elementary Yiddish Indoor Stadium TTh 3:20-4:35 M:*%. Explore your Jewish roots or learn about Duke University g University of Maryland another culture! Learn Yiddish through conver­ sation, literature, songs, proverbs, and jokes. University of m >4 s University of Virginia Small, informal classes. North Carolina State Lit. 131.02 Literature and the North Carolina Judaic Tradition: Modernity Georgia Tech and Jewish Literature TTh 1:45-3:00 ; Read some of the great works of the 19th •'" '-S. i '• mi:: and 20th century Jewish Literature. Explore modern Jewish life in Eastern Europe, America, im. .•.*$> and Israel through novels and poetry. Read Sh- olem Aleichem, Peretz, Singer, Potok, Roth, Amos Oz and other great writers! Both classes are taught by Dr. S. Zucker and count toward the judaic Studies certificate. For more information please call 684-6796 or 684-5654. MEN'S VOLLEYBALL FRIDAY, MARCH 30,1990 THE CHOMICLE PAGE 13 Palm City sparks uproar; students protest, Brodie vacillates

• THIGPEN from page 1 bounds, K said. this whole nasty episode." die? Just the trustees puppet. Boy, if I campus, dozens and dozens of emergency Athletic director Tom Butterball backed Bowdie announced the formation of the were president, I'd kick some ass around meetings were called throughout the day. his coach up with lots of macho rhetoric Crispen and Thigpen Task Force on here." Head Basketball coach Mike K-what's- like a true Rambo. "If The Chomicle Funny Things. The task force will be Babaar also questioned Bowdie's his-name called The Chomicle staff in for doesn't keep Palm City, someone's gonna charged with getting to the bottom of decision to let administrators run the task a meeting. come out the loser," Butterball said as he what's really funny and what's not. In ad­ force. "Hell, they're trying to find out "You guys are really screwing my polished his shotgun. "Now squeal like a dition, it will give a lot of administrators what's funny and what's not. Administra­ team," he said in his little nasally voice. "I pig, boy." something to do and The Chomicle some­ tors have no sense of humor. If you want a wish you guys would pull your heads out President Humbug Keith Heartburn thing else to write about, Bowdie said. funny person to run it, get Rick Rhetoric of your asses and keep Palm City." Bowdie meanwhile moved with unusual "I love being president of the Universi­ and Studley Ridgeline to co-chair. They Coach what's-his-name explained that speed to issue a statement on the whole ty," Bowdie continued. "I could do this for might never come to an agreement, but little ole Chrissy Laettner hasn't been matter. "I recognize Palm City's contribu­ the rest of my life and never get tired of it'd be funny as hell to watch 'em try." sleeping well at nights just knowing that tion to the community. I recognize The it." "What a bummer," said Crispen. Crispen and Thigpen are getting the boot. Chomicle's contribution to the communi­ James David Babaar, an expert on egos, "Yeah," said Thigpen. And Bobby Hurley keeps getting that ty. I recognize my contribution to the com­ blasted Bowdie's response to the problem. The two originally got their start as ex­ wrinkled up annoyed look on his face that munity. I recognize the Medical Center's "I oughta be president. Do you realize how tras in a Ziggy cartoon. From there they he gets whenever he throws the ball in­ contribution to the community. And I'm famous I am? I've been on Dan Rather. moved into multiple frame strips such as side to Alaa and Alaa loses it out of delighted to say I stand behind them on Everyone knows who I am. Who's Bow­ Calvin and Hobbes and Bloom County.

Everyone is invited to

"My Life in Musical Theater DESTINATION an informal discussion with Walter Nicks Teacher/Choreographer of DENVER Jazz/Dance Friday, March 30 at 3:00 p.m. Mary Lou Williams Cultural Center Congratulations Blue Devils 02 West Union Walter Nicks is an internationally-known and Good Luck in Denver! teacher of jazz and contemporary dance, has choreographed for theater, film, and TV and has worked with other leading choreographers on Broadway, including Eastern Regional Balanchine, Herbert Ross, and Jack Cole. Co-sponsored by American Dance Festival, Duke Dance Program, Institute ofthe Arts, Championship and and Mary Lou Williams Cultural Center.

SELLING HOUSS TO DUKE Final Four T-Shirts PEOPLE SINCE 1964 FIRST IN DURHAM IN SALES PER AGENT available now! NEW LISTINGS 3212 Lassiter Dr. Favorite street for Dutoe people. Two story with 3 BR. 2 1/2 baths. Like new. on deep lot. $96,500 2506 A Chapel Hill Rd. Victorian Townhouse 2 BR. 21 /2 bath. $79,000 2900 Harriman Rd. Beautiful split level with orkted MBR suite and sun room. 4 BR. 3 1/2 Baths. Completely renovated GO BLUE DEVILS! with hwd floorsCountr y setting ten min. from Duke. $145,000 1103 Queensbury Cr. Near the triangle, good schools shopping. Well planned community with swimming & tennis. Beautifully built Cazwell Traditional with ten ft ceilings, hwdfloors, contemporary features extras. 4 BR. 2 1/2 baths. 2 oar garage. $167,500 4006 Westfield Dr. SpeaaUy good forDuk e doctors, lOmin. from Duke. Oasstc 3 BR. 2 story in American Village with University Store a den aided on & study oould be 4th BR. 2 decks, patio. 2 1/2 baths, extra nice large lot. $139,900 •'at the Bryan Center SUBDIVISION IN THE COUNTRY 6808 Kiger Rd. Country style 2 story w/wrap around porch. 3 BR. 2 B. & 2 hcttf baths. 2 car garage w/ apt. above, open wooded 1 one lot. partiaUyfenoed jaajza&many Mon.- Sat. 8:30 a.m. - 5 p.m. 684-2344 extras. $165,000 6820 Kiger Rd. Subdivision in the country. 1 acre lot. new2 storywith 1.872 sq. ft.. plus a full heated basement; laar The American Express® Card. garage, detached workshop with 2 oar garage. Incred­ ible buy at $130,000 Don't leave home without it.® Ccdl Dana Ripley, Ph.D_, GRI Home 493-2651 • Office 688-1341 518 SOUTH DUKE STREET - DURHAM, N.C.

: -v_v* _-__-_Ji_.--_-_._-__.- • ...... ---_• - •.-;. :.:. •._- _ - . » - , ..-.»_-_-j..-^.w_ ,-.»»->»-.-„;,-", V* . .__.•.» _"»__ _> •"• »V, .--._«»••••»•> Letters? sH APING THE1HE N EWS PAGE 14 MARCH 30, 1990 It's not what you've got, it's how you use it

To the editor: penis, penis, penis, penis!H. t Penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, Ian Wickerbamboosham An editorial Expelled Lower the drinking age to 12. Get Never eat anything that protests We'll fix you worthless commie bastards rid of the national speed limit. Save Avoid men who ask you if you've seen the whales. Practice safe sex. the salami. Let sleeping slugs lie. Better safe than sorry. Dan Rather Leave well enough alone. Ed To the editor: values, where people like you would be is a lemon-sucking liberal pig. No­ McMahon should be the next host of Murderers! Baby killers! Lying, corrup­ put against the wall and pumped full of body cares if San Francisco washes the "Tonight Show." Do unto others, ting, liberal, left-leaning anti-family lead! into the Pacific Ocean. Legalize pot. then sue. When the going gets tough, pinko bastards! I bet you have sex, too! I Never use condoms after they've been the tough hire consultants. had sex once — but it won't happen again! God bless you. micro waved for more than 12 hours. You think you can hide behind the Consti­ Always take time to stop and smell Biff Stalin If a stranger offers you a ride, ask the poppies. It's not whether you win tution and spout your filthy pinko lies. We need a return to traditional, family President, Dook Nazis for Progress him where he's going first. or lose; it's whether you got home Make camping legal at Dead shows video rights. It's not over till the fat again. Never stick Q-Tips so far into lady sings. An apple a day keeps the your ears that you can't get them out. supermarket in business. When you Don't drive drunk — you might spill need a bear really bad, we've got a Whxt's xll the fuss about around here? something. If we outlaw abortions, really bad beer. only outlaws will have abortions. I To the editor: before E except after C. Don't call us; we'll call you. When in more deserving of criticism? Those fine I xm writing to express my disxpprovxl people xt the Medicxl Center certxinly doubt, punt. Leave it to Beaver. Don't Buy low, sell high. Women should of your recent xrticles xnd editorixls on helped me, xnd they could probxbly help be barefoot, pregnant and in the worry; the plumber will fix it in the the Medicxl Center. I feel you xre being you, too! kitchen. Ronald Reagan really didn't morning. Why rent when you can unfxir to these wonderful people. Just lxst know anything about illegal aid to the own? Never spit on a guy named month, I underwent xn importxnt xnd Kenneth McCxrty Nicargauan Contras. George Bush "Mongo." You show us yours, and very delicxte brxin operxtion thxt my doc­ Dook University Medicxl Center didn't know anything about Ronald we'll show you ours. tor sxid I needed right xwxy. He did x Reagan. Dan Quayle didn't know any­ And most of all, remember: A friend wonderful job, xnd I think he deserved the Editor's reply: Thxnk you for your letter. thing. in need is a friend indeed. vxcxtion house and Mercedes he bought We were xt the Medicxl Center for a xfter I pxid my bill. I xm feeling x lot bet­ checkup just lxst week, and we completely ter. agree with your xsessment. Why don't you pick on a group thxt is EDITORIAL BORED

The editorial bored meets on Sundays after the edit page editor is done vomiting into his bathroom sink and manages to show up. It sits around, gains weight eat­ ing stale doughnuts from Uncle Hairy's and uses its anonymity to slander the self- What does it look like when it's angry? important asses who run the University. The board is composed of Chomicle edi­ tors, their cronies and various other hangers-on who form our little journalistic To the editor: Politburo. Meetings are open to the public, but if you show up we'll be forced to kill really mad. She said I should not read you in the name of secrecy. I am seven years old. I am a student at your paper any more, and that I did a bad Westside Elementary School. My teacher thing. Why did she do this? I don't know. I said we should read papers and learn also don't know why I saw her looking at about new things. I read your paper a few the picture after school when no one was LETTERS? POLICY weeks ago and I saw a new thing. It was around. She looked really happy, and she on the cover of "R & R." I saw a picture of was sweating. A lot. I don't know why. I The Chomicle loves seeing college students make complete asses out of them­ a man on the cover. He was not wearing was hoping you might. selves in front of their peers. any clothes. There were three of him. Therefore, we welcome your letters. Unfortunately, most of you don't bother read­ I have not ever seen a man with no Bobbi-Lynn Cobbles ing these simple guidelines; you're what are referred to as "assholes" in newspaper clothes before. I have a question. When I Westside Elementary School jargon. showed the picture to my teacher, she got For the rest of you, letters must be signed and dated and must include your class, I.Q., favorite seafood recipe and a signed, notarized statement that you won't go slinking over to the Duke Review when we ignore your letter. The Chomicle will not publish anonymous or form letters; that's why we have editorials. The Chomicle reserves the right to reject letters, hunt down the authors like dogs Don't wind up like this, boys and girls and unleash one of Sclafani's Sicilian "associates" on them. Letters to the editor should be mailed to Box B99, Duke Station or delivered in To the editor: person to The Chomicle office behind the urinal in the Hideaway men's room. If we from my rightful place as the GREATEST think you look funny, we'll introduce you around and give everyone a big laugh. As usual, I carefully scanned the POLITICAL SCIENCE AUTHORITY Chomicle this morning to see if you had WHO EVER LIVED . . . printed my picture or quoted me. Imagine Sorry, I got carried away. That always my shock when I saw yet another letter happens when I start hearing the voices THE CHOMICLE billions served from Professor Stanley Fishy attacking again. God, I hate the voices. Thorazine me for spreading the truth about this rot­ helps, but not always. Have you ever no­ The Bruiser, Maximum Leader ten sinkhole of a university. Fishy has al­ ticed how you never notice the spiders un­ Weasel Sclafani, His Little Buddy ways been out to get me; I bet he's in til they're almost all the way up your Bjorl Eriksen, Death From The North league with that rotten little fink Keith arms and legs. God, I hate the spiders. Matt McMensa, Elitist Pig Grodie, who is also out to get me. In fact, Excuse me, I have to go now. The voices Christine O'Brien, I've Changed! Jamie O-My-O, Full of Surprises it wouldn't surprise me at all if everyone want me to go upstairs and look at some­ Rod the Bod, Coach K's Plaything Keith O'Dublin, Homeboy at this University were out to get me. thing on the roof. O Dure, Artsy-Fartsy Hay Fever, Bless You Ever since I took that bad acid at a Budd Flowers, Pornography Editor Jiff Joffers, Groupie Foghat concert in '79, it seems as if I'm Eric Garnish, Bjorl Junior Sue Mesome, Designated Scapegoat never safe from these legions of insulting Jim-Bob Greg Joey David Burbur Stinging Nettles, Mis-Manager Beef Shank, Good and Good For You voices trying to slander me and drive me Political Science Department Chuckles Carson, Clean-Shaven Carolyn "Spuds" Poteeto, Obscure Underling The divine truths expressed in our little rag are not necessarily those of Dook University, its students, flunkies, corrupt administrative tools or those scapel-wielding neo-Stalinist pigs run­ ning the Medical Center. Unsigned editorials represent elitism at its best. Columns, letters and those groovy cartoons clearly reflect the dangers of heavy, continuous drug use. On the record Phone numbers: Editor: 684-BONE; News /Features: UNLISTED; Sports: 684-6115 (let it ring a few days): Business Office: 684-D0NT; Advertising Office: 684-C0ME; Classifieds: 684-HERE. Eat me, I'm a pickle. Editorial Office ("Newsroom"): Who Wants To Know?; Business Office: Right Where We Want Dook President H. Keith H. Grodie after hearing underling Dick Osteel's request Them; Advertising Office: A Facade Designed To Impress The Public. for a $20,000 line of credit for student Nelson "Julio" Rockefeller, V to "buy books." v?1990 The Chomicle. Box B99, Duke Station, Durham, N.C. 27706. All rights reserved. No part of this black-and-white travesty may be reproduced, folded, spindled or mutilated in any form without the prior, written permission ofthe Post Office and Major League Baseball. FRIDAY, MARCH 30, 1990 THE CHOMICLE PAGE 15 Hey there, babies! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, etc. etc.

A scene in the Chomicle edit office. Spuds McKensie University administrators came in, saying "All right, walks in, just back from the subplot we started in Janu­ • Monday sucks Spuds, let's rock and roll!" SM smiles, says "Come in ary where SM runs off to Mexico with a tequila-addled closer, everyone. I've got a big surprise for you ..." Dean Snooze, only to return and declare his true love for DEF AND DUMB SM:(returning for real this time) What the hell! You yours truly while assistant edit page editress Krispy guys really must be lame to not come up with anything Corncob goes on a rampage of terror. . . OK-FH-get-funnier-Dept.: Boy, what an obnoxious the whole time I was gone. SM:(storming into the office) Dammit, I told you to letter to the Chomicle the other day, huh? What gram­ DEF: No, wait! It's funny, really, it is. Read it again leave me out of these things. Nobody outside the mar, what syntax. Maybe they wrote it on the toilet in slowly, it grows on you. Chomicle office cares about this shit, and very few of the C.I. Hey, that's pretty good. What, Hirschfeld did it SM: Yeah, right, it grows on you. END said they would them know what the hell you're talking about. already? Oops. It was pretty funny, though, wasn't it? grow on you, too. Don't you realize we have doctors who DEF: But last week you said you cared. You told us we Getting-Desperate-Now-Dept.: Has anyone ever run the Medical Center like pre-Stalin Russia, a student were different, (sniffles) noticed that President Toadie has really, really big ears? legislature that's mostly absent and a bogus baron run­ SM:(throwing up his hands in disgust) Just when I No, wait, maybe it's Paula "Blah-Blah" Boogoo. Or ning off* to Florida with our tuition money. Can't you thought I couldn't do worse then that English major and maybe, it's Bill Anyran and he has a really big nose. write anything funny about that? his hungover sidekick. You guys are the pits. If you don't Just-Remembered-The-Med-Center-Dept.: Oh, DEF: No! It's too funny already. come up with something that relates to something that's boy, those doctors at the Medical Center are really SM: (pauses) Hey! You jerks are right! So now what? not five feet away from you, you're both fired.(slams door messed up, aren't they? Boy, the corruption, the sleaze, DEF: I guess we just can't keep up with the real world. behind him, breaks glass in window AGAIN) the, uh, R2-D2 stuff, the, uh, uh, oh yeah, the Siberian You'll just have to run some more of those BOGgers' car­ OK, something campus related . . . treatment, no wait, the, uh, Black Russian drinking par­ toons. We're outta here! I'm-Trying-Dammit-I'm-Trying Dept.: Hey, did ties, no, um, um . . . you hear about that bonfire after we beat UConn. We And then SM returned from kegs, poked his head in DEF and DUMB didn't really think that Dean Snooze really sent UConn. back to Canada, didn't we? the door, and said "OK, you can all come in now." All the storyline was all that funny, either. Fm not trying to piss everyone off; it just happened • Sportin' awoody Chris Changeup

The other day, I was slumped over my computer, drunk as usual, when the phone rang. When I tried to answer it, I tripped over the cardboard box that ser­ ves as a coffee table in my room and tore the cord out ofthe wall. Still, it made me think, which doesn't happen often. I thought about the plantar wart On my big toe that a friend said he could remove next Friday after the Purple Passion party. I thought about why you never see women urinating on trees. I thought about how when I throw up, the really gross stuff always comes through my nose instead of my mouth. All this thinking made my nose bleed, so I went to the Hideaway. While I was there, I noticed lots of NW«tt& T»Ot P6fc MOST Of VX_, XT»_ NO things. Most of all, I noticed how this big guy named AMD INROtte W\__AO. Gary comes over and beats the living shit out of me A m_l_U\$V". W-pfeAU,,,/ whenever I put a full beer on the pool table. Isn't that interesting?

Now that I've given you a little background, I should start discussing what this column's about. It's about how the University sucks rotten eggs. Wow, Here's another kinder, gentler column wasn't that interesting? Later in the evening, I went to SPE kegs. People keep telling me how I shouldn't call them SPEs and Last Monday was an exhilirating day to be alive. I was how I really pissed them off when I wrote a column sitting on the nice, cool green grass in front of Perkins • Out for lunch about them a few months ago. But I knew better. I Library — my favorite hangout. The skies were bright went over, and said hello, and the SPEs were really blue and splotched with nice, cute, white, puffy cumulus Not-so Tiny Tim nice. clouds. It was a great day to be alive. They shook my hand, and introduced me to about I was simply taking it all in, momentarily forgetting suspecting earthworms became caloric fodder for the 40 of their friends in the Dook Marching Band. They about all of life's many injustices, when suddenly a com­ evil, conniving sparrows ofthe world. weren't so nice. They called me lots of names, and mon sparrow landed softly under a tree. I observed the I feel deeply for the common earthworm. I can identify then one of them asked me how I'd like a trombone avian species with silent excitement, but was soon in for with the cool, soothing mud that all of us at one time or enema. I said that would be great, so they gave me a bad-tasting dose of stark reality. another want to use to shut out our worldl worries? Why one. They didn't know I was kidding, I guess. The sparrow, so symbolic of nature at its most basic should it not be permitted to burrow contentedly in the level, suddenly lurched over and pecked at the ground. I bowels of Mother Earth without a negative care in life? After that, I wasn't feeling so good. I crawled out of did not understand the severe gravity of the act until I Why should the rest of the world burden the innocent the SPE section, and saw a group of women walking saw the common sparrow rise up to its former height — worm's simple mind with such complex, ugly and purely on the quad. Isn't it funny how you always see women WITH AN OPPRESSED, DEFENSELESS, LIFE-LOV­ evil issues as the military-industrial complex, hate and walking around on campus? I never realized there ING EARTHWORM DANGLING FROM THE BIRDS elitism? WHY? WHY? WHY? were so many of them around. These women recog­ CARNIVOROUS MAW! The more time that passes since that horrid incident nized me, which I thought was really cool. Then they Needless to say, I was shocked and saddened beyond last Monday, the more I realize I love the earthworm started calling me names and beating me with tree belief. A poor, unsuspecting worm fallen victim to the with all the power my heart can muster. Similarly, I branches. Isn't it funny how women beat me with tree emotionless, predatory bird. The worm had no choice in hate that goddamn bird. Not just an bird, either. But branches, but men beat me with steel pipes? the matter whatsoever: it simply had to accept its grue­ any and every shithead sparrow that ever so much as Anyway, all of this gave me a great column idea. some fate. thought about slashing the carefree life out of a tiny, Maybe I'll share it with you next week, after I share it Shaken by this heartless, cold, cruel symptom of the holy worm with a razor-sharp beak. with to BOGgers to see what they think. I give them survival of the fittest, I vomited and ran back to my Now whenever I go to the beach I gleefully toss tablet reading lessons every week, and they're really nice to apartment. Not sure what to do to wash away the guilt after tablet of Alka-Seltzer to every seagull I can find. me. Next time, they said they'd introduce me to a of observing such a travesty without intervening, I im­ The thought of them senselessly crashing harmless friend of theirs. I think his name's Mumby. I'm not mediately telephoned a comrade in the history depart­ shellfish on the jagged rocks below is more than enough sure, because my head really hurts and I'm bleeding ment to share my sorrow with and to seek counsel. to make me puke. But whenever I can stand up for the from both ears right now. Andy and I soon after made a joint decision to act poor mollusks and worms ofthis world by bursting a Chris Changeup loves the way they put the Chapel swiftly. We weren't immediately sure what we would — seagull's stomach, I erupt in blissful ecstasy. right in the middle ofthe quad. or could — do. But we were determined not to sit idly by Not-so Tiny Tim is a history graduate student who is as hundreds, thousands, perhaps even millions of un- really aware. PAGE 16 THE CHOMICLE FRIDAY, MARCH 30,1990 Comics

It Just Doesn't Matter/ Rob Hirschfeld THE Daily Crossword by Mark S. Kaibach

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THE CHOMICLE

•_) 1990 Universal Press Syndicate Assistant sports editor: Mikey Krzyzewski Copy editors: Victor Strandberg, Reynolds Price "OK, Zukutu - that does it! Remember, those who Dim Korahais, Marty Padgett, Paul Jeffrey live in grass houses shouldn't throw spears." Wire editor: Hodding Carter Associate photography editor: ....Alex Harris, David Chan Layout artist: Kristine Stiles, Mike Mezzatesta Production assistant: David Ball Calvin and Thigpen /Bill Watterson Account representatives: ...Jack Adcock, Gene McDonald Advertising sales staff: Dave Roberson MlfcOSMHN, COM E OH \W. BUT NE GIIT I DOW CARE Kay Miller, Len Pardue THANKSTOR. CDMlN G AGAIN SO WHAT ARE I DON'T IcNOUA HER AN MNAHCE JUST PA1 Stan Ridgley, Dan Manatt, David Rollins ^< 701/ faOINtj TO EITHE2 A S-«-U6) OB. OHTOWGUT | VW AT IT TAKES 86 FOR. WAU,0U/_S\? A JELLY ASPIt.THCyRE WHEN SHE LEFT TO SET US Creative sciences staff: William Johnston K/NPOF glMJCAR.. LAST TIME/ OUT OF HERE Alan Whanger, John Madey Subscriptions manager: Jerry Campbell Classified managers: David Adcock, Jerry Hudson Payables manager: Harry Gotwals Credit manager:. John Piva Business staff: Dave Singleton, Jon Rosenzweig Peyton Fuller, Larry Glazer Secretary: Allison Haltom Calendar coordinator: Paul Levinsohn

Today Saturday March 31 Intervarsity Christian Greek Athletes Fel­ Community Calendar lowship Crusade, Duke Chapel 9 p.m. "Resume Padding," Dimitri Korahias, ASDU "Marxism without the guilt," English dept. "Legal ethics in the Stalin era," Univer­ Swine Lake performed by the Dancing office. 8:30 p.m. chair Stanley Fish. Brian Center Film sity Counsel David Cocky, Meyer Ward, Devils, Page Auditorium. 8:30 p.m. "Investigations in psychosurgery," Medical Theater. 7:30 p.m. Hospital North. Noon. Center pathology department. "Blood regurgitation provocation through A Nosefui of Pickings," sponsored by "Ovaries: the anatomical imperialism of excessive alcohol inducement," Dr. Hell Duke Drama chair David Ball. Reynolds men," Women Studies Dorm. 10 p.m. "Shaping the News," Coach Mike Industrial Theater. 8:30 p.m. Krzyzewski, Locker Room Cameron Indoor Knight. Sigma Phi Epsilon Commons "Virginity-it's not just for breakfast Stadium. 3:30 p.m. Room. 8:30 p.m. "Genital warts and you," sponsored by anymore," Adam McAnus, BC Walkway. PISCES, who cares where it is? "Tolerance whether you like it or not," All week. Duke Vision seminar, Alpha Tool Omega ASDU meeting, 8 p.m. 230 Soc. Sci. Bldg. "How to meet friends and influence "Enemies: A love story," sponsored by commons room. 8 p.m. Pleaseshow up. Anybody, people," sponsored by Kappa Delta Delta Kappa Epsilon and Kappa Alpha. 7 sorority, Central Campus Center. 10 "Insecurity: how to cope" CAPS lecture, Phi "The role of pus in Native American p.m. p.m. Kappa Sigma Commons Room. 7 p.m. culture," sponsored by SPECTRUM, East "An evening with Public Enemy's Puke Bldg. 8 p.m. Anatomy Lecture series, Arden Lark, Motel Professor Griff," sponsored by Duke "Corporate sellout," the Placement "Wiretapping and Watergate," The Chron­ Six. 9 p.m. Hillel, AIPAC and Alpha Epsilon Pi. Office. icle Sports staff, 3rd Floor Flowers Bldg. "Soul Food Dinner, sponsored by The Duke "This old house," sponsored by Chi Psi, "How to liven your campus yearbook," 8:30 p.m. Review, Mary Lou Williams Center. 7 p.m. Pi Kappa Phi and Old Phi Kaps. David Chan, Motel Six. 9 p.m. •*»-•»»»**•*'***.- . i ..v. FRIDAY, MARCH 30,1990 THE CHOMICLE PAGE 17 Mauriee and Noriega are the same guy. No, really, it's true!

• FOOLED from page 1 great leaders." "What a success story! He could sure tory of acne problems. was a logo on the underwear that read The president of de Rothschild's frater­ teach our students a thing or two about • Both support the death penalty. "BigHoss." nity at Duke said he too was surprised at international finance," bellowed Dean • Neither one voted for George Bush in De Rothschild is currently being held in the revelation, but declined to condemn Thomas "Don't call me black" Kettle. the 1988 presidential election. a jail cell in Fort Lauderdale until his the surreptitious strongman. In addition, the Capital Campaign for • Both have gone on yachting trips hearing tomorrow. Although the court "I never thought Maurice would have the Medical Center and Athletics is ac­ with the Kennedys in Hyannisport, Mass. says he does not yet have a lawyer, the the balls to pound a machete before a tively stroking the celebrated con man for • Both were potty-trained at a late age. bogus baron is reportedly considering crazed mob and get involved in the co­ a big Christmas present. "Maurice and I The ousted opportunist could not be hiring noted attorneys William Kunstler, caine trade. Maybe he should have been a both come from respectable families with reached over the phone for an interview Edwin Meese, Bowie Kuhn and David Ad­ Beta," condescended S(P)A(Y)E(D) emi­ a long tradition of excellence in Thursday, but The Chomicle immediately cock. nent archon emeritus Graham Cracker. winemaking. I'm sure he would feel a dispatched intrepid News Editor Crispy Campus reaction to the news ranged "Of course, those European bank accounts need to honor his alma mater," murmured O'Brien to Florida on the American Air­ from shock to sympathy. and money-laundering schemes only go to Campaign Director Joel Fleshpresser. lines redeye flight last night. "It is unfortunate to learn that someone show that he is most qualified to remain The revelation that Noriega and de O'Brien said he hoped to interview the caliber and heritage of Monsieur de in honorable standing as a brother." Rothschild are one and the same is based prison guards, local senior citizen gossips Rothschild has evidently run afoul of the Despite his shaky standing with the on a slew of evidence in addition to the and the displaced despot's 3rd grade American legal system," said President law, de Rothschild is being flooded with "pair's" shared passion for fine, brightly teacher to learn as much as possible about Hopalong Keith Horsefeathers Brodie in a offers for endorsements and speaking colored lingerie: the mysterious madman. characteristic press statement. engagements. • Both have Latin American back­ "Nevertheless, Duke University is ex­ The Fuckyou School of Business, for grounds and speak excellent Spanish, al­ "If I'm lucky, and not too tired, maybe tremely proud to know that it is responsi­ one, would love to include the toppled to­ though neither are fluent in French. I'll get around to scheduling an interview ble for educating one of the world's truly talitarian on its roster of guest lecturers. • Both are short, squat and have a his­ with Maurice himself," O'Brien explained.

ClNEPLEX ODEON ^THEATRES CENTER SHOPPES AT LAKEWOOD 489-4226

S|— M\ |_f^% PAGE 18 THE CHOMICLE FRIDAY, MARCH 30, 1990 Classifieds

Announcements AFTER THE GAME BLUE DEVILS' ADVOCATES: If you Entertainment PART-TIME SUMMER child-care for Wanted to Rent Come to Baldwin for a night of a are interested in chairing one of 2 to 4 boys, ages 4-8. in SW Dur­ INTERESTED IN WORKING IN BRIT­ capella music with the Pitchforks. the BDA Committees next year TRUST ME! ham home. Kids play well together, NEED $100? Responsible drivers AIN? A representative from BUNAC Sat Mar 31, 8 p.m. Tickets $3 (Tourguides. Hosting, or Visitors), The workshop premier of Hoof-n- just need competent, fun super­ need car from 4/6-8 Will Pay. For will be on campus to meet with stu­ (Page, BC Walkway) $4 at the door. please call or come by the Admis­ Horn's student written musical will vision. GOOD PAY. 20-25 hrs/wk. info call Jessica 684-0510. dents interested in job oppor­ Don't miss this evening with "The sions Office to sign up for an inter­ be on Apr 6 & 7 at 8 p.m. in 209 Prefer afternoons but flexible. Call tunities in Britain. 3 p.m., Mon, 'Forks ofthe ACC"! view. The interview schedule will East Duke. Seating is first come, 489-0733. Real Estate Sales run as follows: Tourguides 4/6 April 2, 1990 in the International ADPi Formal first serve and admission's free! Work-study student with mechani­ House. 2022 Campus Dr. from 3-5 p.m.: Visitors 4/12 from House Sale-Rent Pledge formal tonite. Buses leave 3-5 p.m.: and Hosting 4/24 from 5- HOME RUN! cal aptitude and chemistry/biology In RTP, "Pemith" (Near All) Spa­ SUMMER JOBS: All land/water WCBS at 6:45 and 7.15. Pledges 7 p.m. Have you slid into home base background for research laborato­ cious Ranch on 1/2 acre, exc cond. sports. Prestige Children's Camps take first bus. Bagel breakfast with lately? Do it with Hoof-n-Horn's ry. Responsibilities include media Adirondack Mountains. Near Lake PiPhi's will follow at 1 a.m. in POLISCI CHANGES and reagent preparation inventory 3 BR/ 2BA: Fireplace, deck. Rent "Damn Yankees". Apr 13, 14, 19, $700: Sale $83,500. 919-544- Placid. Call 1-800-343-8373. House G PS 164 (new course) "Organization 20. 21 and May 11. 12 at 8 p.m. and supply ordering, maintenance Theory" (New regular professor of lab equipment. Call Hal or Jan 4931. UNDERGRADS REGISTERING FOR and May 12 at 2 p.m. KAPPAS Brehm) and PS 180 "Media in Com­ 684-8244 for additional infor­ FALL 1990: 2 Distinguished ST. MARY'S RD — 2.5 mi. north of MANDATORY meeting for both sis­ parative Perspective" C-L as Soci­ FLYIN' MICE — tonight at the mation. Full-time for summer and/ Professor Courses being offered Hillsborough — 4 BR, 2.5 BA, ters and pledges tonight at 6:15 in ology 182 (Prof. Joel Smith) are Hofbrau (next to A&P). Acoustic or part-time during school year. this fall. 1) DPC 196s: Current Po­ livrm.dinrm, famrm, kit, double car 114 Physics. You'd better be there! added: PS 153 requires no permis­ blues, originals and duplicates. litical Problems in Western Euro­ LSAT and MCAT instructors needed attached garage. All on one level. sion: PS 200A.18 (Contemporary pean & Commonwealth Countries. HILLEL SERVICES for Stanley Kaplan Educational Swimming pool. 10.86 acre lot — American Feminism) meets Tue 2) DPC 199s: The Changing Bio­ Join us for special Shabbat Ser­ Help Wanted Ctr's classes. Call 489-8720, front half cleared, horses permit­ 1:50-4:20 p.m. in 207 East Duke: sphere (C-L Botany). See Schedule vices tonight. Reform and Conser­ days. ted. Home located on back half PS 201S meets Fri 1:50-4:20 p.m. of Courses Booklet and Bulletin for vative services will meet at 6 p.m SUMMER JOBS! among hardwoods. Nice creek in 208 Languages: PS 240, PS details. in the Chapel Basement Hillel Of­ Applications will be accepted through center of property. Quality, fice. 132.01-.07 ans PS 151 are drop­ through Apr 2, 1990 for full-time Child Care large tract neighborhood. CLASS 0'91 KEGS ped. summer positions with DUKE UNI­ $220,000. East Coast Land Co. First time ever Junior Class Kegs CLASSo'90TRENT3 WANTED: 'NANNY,' live in/out, 4 (919)-732-7569. After 6: 732- Reunion! Fri 3/30/90 at Kim & VERSITY CONFERENCE SERVICES. at the Hideaway. Pitchers only STSTOTHERESCUE! Applications and job descriptions children, near DUKE, permanent/ 7586. $1.75 from 4-7 p.m. Fri Mar 30 Lyda's #54 Erwin Sq. 9 p.m. Come ARE YOU SICK OF DUKE FOOD? summer, 383-8440 after 6 p.m. enjoy Free Beer! available at Bryan Center informa­ OFFICE SPACE Alternate beverages will also be Order SJS Sunday Food Delivery tion desk. QUESTIONS? Call Janice Co-op office space, one block from served. Brought to you by your BENCH AND BAR Service. Devines, China Inn. and Meisenbach at 684-5791. class officers. Position Wanted Brightleaf Sq. FAX. kitchen, stor­ Attention all Bench and Bar Mem­ TCBY food will be delivered to age, free parking. Single offices STUDENTS!! bers, elections for next year's of­ your door. Call 660-3030 from 5 SUMMER JOBS p.m.-midnight. TO SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT. EARN HOUSING BARGAIN $150/mo. 687-0217. Fuqua! Law Students! Arts and Sci­ ficers will be held on Thu Apr 5 at 7 Creative writer seeks summer ref­ $2500-$3500. National campaign ences! Med Students! Forestry! p.m. in Rm 226 Allen Bldg. All GO CHI-O!! uge. Will housesit and/or serve as positions to pass clean air act, Autos for Sale Divinity Students! Engineering Stu­ members who are interested in You're all awesome! Good luck at your administrative assistant in ex­ stop toxic pollution, tighten pesti­ dents! Participate in the Durham running for one of the four offices the Greek Games this weekend and change for housing. Female, 32, cide controls & promote com­ Can you buy Jeeps, cars, 4x4's HUNGER CLEAN-UP on Sat Apr 7 must call Ray at 684-1164 before remember — GoChi-O!! excellent references. Call collect: prehensive recycling, avail, in 18 seized in drug raids for under from 11 a.m.-2 p.m. Help out in midnight on Apr 4. 831-2647. MAJ ATTRACTIONS states & DC. Intvs on campus 4/4. .$100? Call for facts today. (805)- the Durham Community: meet, TRIDELTS 644-9533. Dept 364. work with other graduate and pro­ Meeting 7p.m. Mon, Union Office. Call Kate toll-free at 1-800-75- Come have fun at the Pre-Twister fessional students. For more info Get psyched for a screamin' EARTH. Pledge and Sister Mixer! 3 in the Services Offered HONDA ACCORD 82 call Jerry, Fuqua 286-7845: Lisa, springfest. LX 3DR 5 SP, AC, AM/FM tape Gardens, Fri! The Autism Society of North Law School 493-9023; Laura GPSC CLUB TENNIS Carolina is currently recruiting TYPING — Same or next day ser­ equalizer. Good cond. $1600. Eves at 684-6432. vice. $2/pg. Emergency typing wel­ — 493-0264. DG-House CC Women Club Tennis beats UNC and counselors to work at our 8-week Get ready to celebrate at the Final come. Call Nick at 684-7620. IT'S COMING! Davidson. Congrats! residential summer camp for per­ MAZDA RX-7 '86 sunroof, alarm, Four mixer! Tonight, 9:30 at House sons with autism. The camp is held IT'S COMING! Accepted Students PHIS LET'STWIST JUST YOUR TYPE Word Processing Alpine. $7300. Must sell. Call CC. Be there or be a razorback! at Camp New Hope near Chapel Service will type your papers, dis­ 490-6334. Week (Apr 16-20). The Blue Devils' Twist on Fri! B-ball on Sat! Mtg on Advocates need undergrads to host ATTENTION DUKE IN OXFORD SUM­ Hill and begins May 20 running sertations, letters, etc. quickly and Sun! 8 p.m. 11 Bio-Sci! See ya '62 Ford Falcon, mechanically re­ visiting students who have recently MER 1990 PARTICIPANTS — Man­ through July 28. Academic credit is professionally. Emergency typing there! P.S. The mtg is formal. stored (documented), radials, very datory information and orientation available. For further info, please welcome. 489-8700 (24 hours). been accepted to Duke. Sign up good cond. $1800, Burlington, 1- Wed or Thu at the Bryan Ctr Walk­ meeting Tue Apr 3, 1990, 4:30-6 HABITAT contact: Greg Beck at (919)821- 0859. VCR have snowy picture? Tracking 229-4499 eves. way or at the Bryan Ctr Info Desk. p.m., 136 SocSci Bldg. Picnic is Sun Apr 1 at 2 p.m. Any­ lines? Professional cleaning done. Questions? Call the Admissions Of­ one who needs a ride or can give DUKE IN OXFORD YEAR PARTICI­ Wanted: Sectretary, 10 hrs/wk. $15. 477-0718. fice at 684-3214. one meet at WCBS at 1:45 p.m. For Sale — Misc. PANTS 1990-1991 — Mandatory $4.50/hr. Call 286-6950. Interested in work abroad? The information andorientation meet­ TRENT 31990 SUMMER JOB Roommate Wanted PC/XT CLONE 1990 BUNAC Spring Road Show ing Tue Apr 3, 1990, 4-4:30 p.m., The Duke Faculty Club is now ac­ Tandy 1000SX w/lntel 8088 CPU, will visit campus on Mon Apr 2, Reunion rescheduled for Fri of 136 SocSci Bldg. John Rowett will cepting applications for lifeguards. M/F prefer upperclass or graduate 640K RAM, dual 5.25" floppy, 3:30-5 p.m. International House, be on hand to discuss life at Ox­ reading period due to too many Only qualified lifeguards should student. Furnished 2 BR 2 full BA. color monitor, Epson LX-800 NLQ 2022 Campus Dr. ford, and answer your questions. conflicts. Spread the word! apply. Apply in person or call 684- Mature nonsmoker clean. Great printer, software, original pack­ Please note, this meeting is for ATTENTION Pi Phi pledges: Meeting on Sun is 6672 for more information. location $250/mo. Call 490-5620 aging, like new, $800 negot., call 1990-1991 participants in House G commons at 6 p.m. Chris at 489-2548. Juiors interested in applying to Reliable dog/ house sitter wanted leave message. graduate business schools — TOURGUIDES! TOURGUIDES! There Need to sell plane ticket — RDU to Pi Phi Pledge Formal! Let's cele­ monthly. References. Dr. Pirrung Prebusiness Info Packets are avail is a mandatory meeting on Tue Apr Tampa — May 5, $75 or best offer. brate our awesome pledge class 684-2409, 489-8458. in 113 Allen Bldg., Prebusiness Ad­ 3. at 5 p.m. It will be in SocSci Rm Apts. for Rent 684-1418. vising Office, beginning Apr 2. 139 and...it will be short! tonight! Buses leave WCBS at 6:30 and 7:15 p.m. and swing by Qualified candidates for lifeguards FOR RENT. Duplex apt, 2 BR, un- BIKE FOR SALE FOUND that class you've been CHI-0 SISTERS! East afterward. Breakfast with and Swim Team Coach shall be in­ furn, HW floors. Near East Cam­ Motobecane Mt Becane mountain yearning for? If not, see complete Chi Occassion is this Sun at the ADPis at 1 a.m. in House G. terviewed Tue Apr 3, 2-5 p.m., and pus-Duke Park. $300/mo. $100 bike. Made in France, where there list of Women's Studies courses in Episcopal Ctr. Come at 1 p.m. for Fri Apr 6, 2-5 p.m. Hope Valley deposit, references. Avail Apr 1. THANK YOU are mountains. Columbus 207 East Duke Bldg. pizza and 1:30 p.m. for the sister Country Club, 3803 Dover Rd, Dur­ Call 682-6875 eves and weekends chromoly frame. Huret Derailleurs. To all women who participated in retreat. DONT FORGET! ham. for appointment. Dia-compe cantelievered brakes. the Study on Sexual Experiences HIGH NOON: An epic party Wolber alloy rims, big fat treads. PRE GAME PARTY! and Coercion. Summer rental — 1 BR, furn, close thrown for YOU celebrating our 4 Summer positions at Hope Valley Orig $450, now only $300. Dave Can't study before the game? to Duke, safe, quiet, A/C, DW, years at Duke. The time has Country Club: Terrace/ Pool waits, 684-0495. Come have fun at the Greek AOPis — for your convenience, pic­ pool, tennis. 382-0526. finally come for HIGH NOON. Snack bar. Sports bar, and Ban­ Games. Sat 2 p.m. — IM Fields. tures from the pledge formal are posted outside of Pam's room — quet staff. Apply anytime at Hope NICE 1BR APT Apple tigs, 768K 3.5 in. Drive, 203 House P! They will be up until Valley Country Club, 3803 Dover Trinity Park area, avail for summer 5.25 in. Drive, internal modem, Apr 2 Rd, Durham. sublet, possible extension of lease color monitor, system saver; plus in fall. $385/mo incl water, furn, software. Call David at 684-1516 THE OLE BALL & CHAIN SUMMER WORK/STUDY STUDENT: or write Box 5220 DS. Office Assistant needed for Sum­ window AC, ceiling fan. New appli­ THE CHRONICLE Jamie (no relation to Chris) O'Brien ances. Phone 688-6440. will become forever entrapped in mer Sessions I or II or both. No ex­ CLAPTON TICKETS the oh-so-holy sacrament of mar­ perience needed — will train. Clapton Tickets — 2 tickets to see CLASSIFIEDS INFORMATION riage with Matt (Yes I have an ear­ Learn new skills, call Linda Ellis at Eric Clapton Sat night. Call 688- Student Activities 684-2163. Houses for Rent 8623. Best offer. . BASIC RATES ring) Kelly. Happily ever after. HA. Large historic mansion for rent Wanted to Buy $3.00 (per day) for the first 15 words or less. near campus. 6-8 BR. $l,200/mo. 100 (per day) for each additional word. Also 3 BR, $650. 682-2077. NEED TICKETS Tor those who care Mtn retreat w/o ownership hassle 2 Duke grad living in Denver needs SPECIAL FEATURES about their clothes... BR, 2 BA log house, 35 ac. approx. tickets for Final Four. Willing to pay one weekend/mo. near Parkway, premium. Days: (303)-778-7737; (Combinations accepted.) New River. Nontourist area. Call Eves: (303)-733-1004. $1.00 extra per day for All Bold Words. 467-4332. $1.50 extra per day for a Bold Heading White Star rGo^ Denver — 4 BR in nice house, 3 BR house with great yard that use of car, and knowledge of city (maximum 15 spaces). backs up to farm. 5 min. from Duke Cleaners in exchange for NCAA Final Four $2.00 extra per day for a Boxed Ad. VISIT™ and UNC. $625/mo. 493-6852. ticket. Tom (H) (303)-773-3357, 900 9th Street Spacious 6 BR House. 2-1/2 BA, (W) (800)-759-4268. DEADLINE Central Air. Hardwood Floors, Fire­ 286-2271 place, W/D, Stove, Refridge, Dish­ 1 business day prior to publication UEEN washer, 2 Car Garage. $1500/mo. Ride Needed Avail 6/1. 489-1989. by 12:00 Noon. from DEADHEAD seeks ride to Atlanta FULL SERVICE LAUNDRY Raleigh/ Durham Apr 1. Usuals or extra tix. Call Kay. PAYMENT DRY CLEANERS LONDON $510 682-7807. ALTERATION SERVICE BERLIN 578 Prepayment is required. ...with Complete Box ATHENS 730 Lost and Found Cash, check or Duke IR accepted. Storage VIENNA 578 Spread Your Horizons. (We cannot make change for cash payments.) MADRID 578 Live and work in Brit­ LOST: Gold ring with a pearl and 2 TOKYO 749 diamonds. If found PLEASE call WHITE STAR JR. SYDNEY 1,071 ain legally for up to 6 684-7431. Thanks! 24-HOUR DROP-OFF LOCATION Taxes not included.Restrictions months on the BUNAC 3rd floor Flowers Building (near Duke Chapel) Corner Cole Mill apply.One ways available. WorK/Study abroad programs. program. Meet advisors See page 19 • where classifieds forms are available. & Hillsborough Rd. Intl Student ID.EURAIL from London, England 383-3256 PASSES ISSUED ON THE to learn how on Mon­ OR MAIL TO: SPCTIFREE Student Travel Catalog day, April 2 at 3 p.m. in ESOTERIC Chronicle Classifieds The Laundry featured by the International House, BOX 4696 Duke Station, Durham, NC 27706. CHRISTIANITY Maytag in a National Council Travel 2022 Campus Drive or Without a strict discipline Advertising Campaign 703 Ninth Street.Suite B2 contact Jeanna Hudgins of interior practices, CALL 684-3476 IF YOU HAVE QUESTIONS ABOUT CLASSIFIEDS, external life is not possible. Durham, NC 27705 at 684-2174. NO REFUNDS OR CANCELLATIONS AFTER FIRST INSERTION DEADLINE. E.C. Smart, President 919-286-4664 787-4658 Raleigh FRIDAY, MARCH 30, 1990 THE CHOMICLE PAGE 19

From page 18 JuniorSlideaway CUTE ASS RONNIE SWAIN ELMO'S BEST FRIEND — Wouldn't it Never before attempted Calvin and Prince notwithstanding, Get your head out of those books be awesome to celebrate a Duke The Chomicle Slideaway at the Hideaway for you're still my oregano. Happy long enough to celebrate your win over Arkansas exactly 6 Juniors. Fri Mar 30 from 4-7 p.m. quarter-century — and are you free birthday! Your long lost SAC! I miss months after beating Clemson in Lined denim men's jacket in South- CLASSIFIEDS Pitchers only $1.75. Alternate for the next one? ILY, Sue. (Smile!) you! Wally Wade? Thanks for being you! gate Gym. If found please call 684- beverages will also be served. 0870. RAP: Call prospective freshmen to Fri Mar 23, '90 was brought to you Have a house to Brought to you by your class of­ M EWLYM EWLYM EWLY welcome them to Duke and answer (AM/SR/SIVRO) by the letter "H"" LOST CAT ficers. I'll race you for a seat on that last sell? Want to buy a their questions. RAP is Apr 10 & bus! Let's show Julie how to rage in Hoover, Helvey, Hookup, Hickey, Brown, gray and white tabby lost in SUMMER WORK/STUDY STUDENT: 12, 7-11 p.m. Sign up to be a our familiy's style. P.S. Happy 20th and the 'Henge. Special thanks to spouse? Need a quick Duke Manor Apts. Cat is 3-yr-old Office Assistant needed for Sum­ caller on the Bryan Ctr Walkway Apr Ronnie! the lethal beverages and Steve, female, white chest, white paws, research paper? Want mer Sessions I or II or both. No ex­ 3, 4, and 5. who inspired me to slur "Why do I green collar. Please call 286-5423 Donna, Jesse, Greg, Steph, Jack, perience needed — will train. call you Blondie? Beacause you're or660-6528. Reward. SEE LITTLE VERA Karen and Jon are all pretty GUAIS! to send annoying and Learn new skills, call Linda Ellis at HOT!" caught in the hopelessness of Student Activities 684-2163. Has anyone told them that lately? revealing personal Personals modern Soviet life. Freewater COWGIRL! Just getting you back. PROUST!!! Films. 7 and 9:30 p.m. BE THERE! THANK YOU Don't worry about me. Take care of messages to your To all women who participated in PLEASE call me if you found 2 big yourself. Evrything's cool 'cause SHOOT A FRIEND? VERA AND SERGEI the Study on Sexual Experiences enemies' boyfriend silver Proust books in Soc-Sci last you're my big sis. You can and live to tell about it at A punk/rebel and a nihilist. and Coercion. Mon, Mar 19. I'll give you money or girlfriend? Triangle Adventure Games. TAG is Freewater Films. 7 and 9:30 p.m. KAREN PRICE for INFO regarding their where­ "Capture the Flag" played with Miss it? — you're so lame. SERINA Good luck to the best damn MISS abouts. Jennifer: 684-0069. paint pellet guns. Get your group Get psyched for your pledge formal CHERRY BLOSSOM North Thanks! together and try something a little FREEWATER RULES tonght! We can finally get a picture Carolina's ever seen! We're rootin' Then advertise in different. Call 544-6946 for more Had a close call with sexual as­ Will be deciding/voting on Fall Se­ together — sisters and partners in forya! —00. The Chomicle. We'll info. sault? Confidential counseling and ries this Mon. Please show up and crime. But let's not sign any auto­ vote! Imelda. graphs — or anything else! Love. conversation now avail, through PAULA CHAIKEN make sure you find SPECTRUM CULTURE WEEK! Cele­ YBS. brate multiculturalism in the US. the Women's Ctr, Tuesdays 9 a.m- WANT TO LEAD? Happy Birthday to the best little that cheap toupee Free ethnic lunches. EVERYDAY! 3 p.m. Call 684-3897 to make an Run for a position on Hoof-n-Horn's sis! Thank you for being you! I love VIJIMA MLWC. 12:30 p.m. Mar 26-30. appointment. exec council: president: secretary: you! Jill. and sell your room­ Friky wanted me to place this ad HYDROCONDUIT business mgr; social; publicity; musical director; technical di­ to say Happy Birthday. He loves mates' 1990 BMW CALLTHE FORKS Official Greetings! Happy 364 day- you very much. So do I! Have a CYRUS PLAYFORK MAGAZINE EXTRA: si! Let's go daybed shopping. rector; historian, member-at-large; Ml. Results guran- producers for all 3 shows, chil­ wonderful day! Love, Eli. happy happy happy happy happy Call 490-6554 to hear a re­ Roadtrip to Alabama this summer? birthday tish's brother. teed. corded message from the Pitch­ dren's theater, and student written Backwards hugs and nose snorts CHICKEN! forks. Then vote for your favorite musical. Sign up for a position in — Chick. It's not Reimer but we still want to 'Fork! front of Fred Theater. Elections SONYA Sun. wish you the best birthday EVER! And the 'Fork ran away with the HAPPY BIRTHDAY! (Told ya I Be wary of shady characters in the near future. —J2/3. tune. Sat night, 8, Baldwin Aud. wouldn't forget). Off to Russia, H'N'H ELECTIONS Open some champagne. Pop the hopefully you to Hungary. Thanks Elections for the Hoof-n-Horn's CHRONICLERS 'Fork. Sat night, 8, Baldwin Aud. for making my second semester so exec council will be held on Sun Today. 4pm until we pass out. The wonderful! Thought you'd never get Apr 1 from 4-6 p.m. in Fred The­ Power Lounge. The event of the A NEW LOCATION Sweet'n'sour 'Fork. Sat night, 8, a personal, eh? Phil. ater. All members are invited to century. This means you! Be there Baldwin Aud. DG Senior Spotlight Clue #3: She help decide on next year's leaders. or be Braxton. ONE UNIVERSITY PLACE I wanna be a part of it, New 'Fork, sends birthday cards and presents HEY CLOVIS! New 'Fork. Sat night, 8, Baldwin to her dog. SICKOFDUKEFOOD? SUITE 150 Hi! Du bist sher saftig. Want to play I 1 SOUTH SOUAHE _____ SJS is on again. Have Devines, Aud. cooties? Love, Buttercup. UNIVERSITY DRIVE ' ' CAREY McKEARNAN — Happy Birth­ China Inn, and TCBY delivered to Pitch a ride. Sat night, 8, Baldwin day to the greatest little sister! Get your door. Call 660-3030 on Sun UNION, ANYONE? Aud. psyched to rock with me tonight! from 5 p.m.-midnight. or how about the Pits this time? For I I K-__urr Love, YBS. -I J ^~ Totally Pitchin'. Sat night, 8, all of you who lived on my hall or UNIVERSITY PLACE Baldwin Aud. Eileen's last year, let's meet at GLADSTONE MAR-BO 105 House A at 6:30 p.m. Sunday. And here's the Pitch. Sat night, 8, Hey Mr. Ten and a Half! Obliviscor? So it's your birthday? Well, uh, how Nofoolin'. 3/4 mile from K-mart on University Dr., Baldwin Aud. No Way! Happy Birthday! Love, 'bout a date sometime? Not with Rachel. me, but with your friends... Hope GREGG'S RECITAL going toward Chapel Hill A Pitch in time saves nine. Sat youu have a wonderful day. is Sat at 3 p.m. (not 5 p.m.!) in the night. 8. Baldwin Aud. Bill: Happy 1 year tomorrow! I know Rehearsal Hall. Please come listen Will search for lowest possible airfares now that third is always the very THE CONNELLS best choice! Feeling mutual al­ to beautiful music! NELLIE are coming to Springfest. Wanna ways, Christy. All student requests welcome Cow mixer with the Pigs, Bo Did- help? Then come to Maj Attrac­ PLEASE COME LISTEN to Gregg dley. Gladys, and Mr. P.V. — Love HAPPY BIRTHDAY BETH! Love, tions mtg, Mon 7 p.m. in the Union Hayes' viola recital, 3 p.m. Sat, Re­ your Big Sis. Mel. Office behind the BC Info Desk. hearsal Hall. See you there! /fcactyotravef 493-7441

EXPERIENCE THE EARTH Badminton §

EXAMINE THE EARTH AND THE PROC­ Tournament ^A ESSES THAT AFFECT OUR ENVIORNMENT. REGISTER NOW FOR FALL GEOLOGY COURSES. A NUMBER OF GEOLOGY COURSES ARE SUITABLE TO SATISFY THE RE­ QUIREMENTS IN THE NATURAL SCIENCES AREA OF KNOWLEDGE. THEY INCLUDE: GEOLOGY 41. introduction to Geology The composition ofthe Earth, the processes working on the Earth's surface, and the structure of the Earth are the major topics of study. Lectures on a particular subject are followed with slides that illustrate and recaptivate the topic. Some of the subjects studied include sea floor spreading and plate tectonics, minerals and rocks, earthquakes, streams, groundwater, etc.

GEOLOGY 43S. Application of Geologic Principles This course meets once a week for about 2 hours. Hands-on experience is acquired with rocks and min erals, topographic maps, aerial photographs and geologic maps. GEOLOGY 1 OS. Analysis of Outcrops Pisi y oni S atvir da y lai ch! ii \ I This course meets four times during the semester on len_ : • lai chi selected Friday afternoons from 1:50 to 5:00 PM. A En tri es _6 X bus trip to nearby geologic features allows the En tri es cl OS!s : lai chS student to see the Durham area and the rocks that to \J hold it all together. Each field trip focuses on one HI grad s an dun der gtad s topic such as rocks and minerals (includes a trip to opi only Duke Quarry), weathering and soils, streams, and the Triassic Basin.

- - - . _ _. _ . vvv, •-:« » mV_ » . . PAGE 20 THE CHOMICLE FRIDAY, MARCH 30, 1990 EDUCATION a vital influence in our world EDU 100.01 Social and Philosophical Foundations of Education Carbone, TTh 10:35-11:50, EA212 EDU 100.02 Social and Philosophical Foundations of Education DiBona, MWF 10:20-11:10, EA202 EDU 100.03 Social and Philosophical Foundations of Education DiBona, MWF 11:30-12:20, EA202 EDU 109S.01 Early Childhood/Elementary Curriculum Bryant, M 3:25-5:50, EA212 EDU 118.01 Educational Psychology Page, TTh 10:35-11:50, EA202 EDU 120.01 Early Childhood/Elementary Education: Internship WILLY BRANDT/THE CHRONICLE TDA Those crazy East Germans are royally pissed off that BOG wants to be the dam­ EDU 140.01 The Psychology of Work ages theme dorm. Ballantyne, T 3:30-5:30, EA202 EDU 149S.01 Exceptional Children Davis, T 3:20-5:30, EA212 EDU 168S.01 Contemporary Education Criticism BOG joins theme dorm clique Carbone, W 3:25-6:00, EA202 EDU 189S.01 The Teaching of Composition, Grammar ByOLYM.PIA theme dorm." and Literature in the Secondary School The BOG [Bane of Godl living group an­ This was considered a surprise by Dean Page, M 3:25-5:55, EA202 nounced yesterday that they would follow of Student Grief Sue Wasiolek, who said, EDU 225S.01 The Teaching of History and the Social Studies "I would never have expected a group in the footsteps of Buchanan and other Wilson, W 3:25-5:25, EA212 puppets of the administration by joining with a spotless record such as BOG's to Teaching Developmental and Remedial Reading the new theme dorm fray. have chosen damages for their theme." EDU 236S.01 "Ever since our bench was maliciously BOG's recent performance in the cam­ in the Secondary School burned after the basketball game by those pus damage index race has been a tour of Malone/Peete, Th 3:20-5:35, EA202 deliriously drunken Cleland girls, I feel glory unmatched by any other living EDU 242S.01 Group Interactions that BOG has lost its sense of identity," group, even Maxwell House. "I decided Ballantyne, M 3:30-5:30, EA101 said dorm president John "Keggo" Schaef- that BOG had reached its peak in perfor­ EDU 246.01 The Teaching of Mathematics fer. "We decided that we needed a new mance in all categories except damages. TBA theme to bring our members closer to­ We could really use a few more," Schaffer EDU 276.01 The Teaching of High School Science said, "We certainly wouldn't want to be gether. TBA considered as different from any of the "After discussing the issue with our EDU 191,193 Independent Study R.A., we decided that he had absolutlely fraternities." nothing worthwhile to say and that we Staff should decide the dorm's future by our­ "Keggo" added that the idea originally selves. We pondered a number of possible entered his head after the near inferno re­ themes, but finally decided that BOG portedly set by a group of unidentified FALL • 1990 would exist in the future as the Damages Cleland residents last December.

Study an Asian or African Language at Duke this Fall!

vrs°^ 00 °* Vo$ 8 Elementary, intermediate and advanced courses are offered in 8.8 "•a IL! Hi ' ° f^ ^r"\ Arabic, Chinese, Hebrew, Hindi, Japanese, and Swahili. In Bj So ^ftetce V40<*^hso\*TspetSu^^p PGerma n addition, consider one of the literature or civilization courses in SS* I English translation below. Do you want to create the neat little graphics in THE CHRONICLE? c^ssa-o^ dheW- ASIAN AND AFRICAN LANGUAGES 107. Comparative Orthography. \-TtoW T^ve Do you want to gain The major writing systems of the world; the basic mechanics of each $2 £Sz£ valuable design experience? system, the relations ofthe system to its culture and society, and its

technological trajectory through printing to word processing. Emphasis 3* THE CHRONICLE is now £ given to comparative/theoretical issues concerning the relations of accepting applications for «*§?'' literacy and society. ht 1 >n the "*etec,( 'Nan Professor Douglas and staff Tujh 12:10-1:25 120 Social Sciences •rial C'°four.,

nj GRAPHICS <^"sS^"S/70 nn ASIAN AND AFRICAN LANGUAGES 173S. Women in Arab Literature. c/ea. mi"i0"v a 0lB e 'ties _, ' Comparative readings of major Arabophone and Francophone women's Sco 0s larch : °<-stir,, °'ro, writing from the nineteenth century until today, including al-Saadawi, EDITOR *S/i 'ered al-Shaikh, Andree Chedid, and Djebar. D\ Responsibilities include working eyed Ian Professor Cooke Tu,Th 1:45-3:00 421 Perkins Library r«/e, with a staff to create new graphics °Ppoll i,04Hc as well as working with Associated ._. *'">? °and, '"fofes. CHINESE 141S. The Fantastic in Chinese Fiction. A survey of Chinese 7oo, Press graphics. narrative convention with special emphasis on the genre of the fantastic in premodern fiction. Topics include the influence of Chinese Macintosh experience preferred literary conventions and religious modes on the fantastic in tales and but not necessary. full-length novels. >(j°°v Call Matt Sclafani at 684-2663 by Professor Wang M,W 1:50-3:05 113 East Campus Library Wednesday, April 4.

JAPANESE 161. Modem Japanese Fiction in Translation. An exami­ nation of the major forms of long and short fiction from 1890 to the present and the tradition from which they arose. Professor Fowler Tujh 3:20-4:35 124 Social Sciences FRIDAY, MARCH 30,1990 THE CHOMICLE PAGE 21 Cocky thinks he did something smart, but we know better

• CERTAIN DEATH from page 21 who is going to be doing any shredding is Brownie, opposed the University's ing "A house divided against itself cannot helping us with that little project," he me," Cocky said defiantly. "Oh yeah, it is decision to enter into a long, costly legal stand. Oh! What a delightful quote." added slapping Hall on the butt. me." battle with itself. The Chomicle has ob­ Unfortunately the remainder of the "Of course with some of the more sensi­ Recent reports suggest that high-level tained a suppressed Duke Spew Service release was illegible because it was tive documents, shredding simply will not administrators, including President Keith press release that quotes Brownie as say- drenched with a gooey mass of chewing do. That's why we are going to petition tobacco. the judge to allow us to alter the evidence. Brownie could not be reached for com­ Take this patient chart for example. Here Just between you and me, this whole thing is a ment. His secretary said he was visiting is the patient's heart stopping," Cocky the Medical Center's Oscar Meyer Ward said pointing to a straight line on the big fat lie. We're really screwing everyone over. for a routine psychiatric checkup. graph. "Oops! I spilled a little coffee on it. But don't tell anyone, okay? This is all off the In fact, many top administrators were See now you can't read the chart any­ absent Thursday, all reportedly undergo­ more," he continued. record, right? ing their annual psychiatric checkups. Critics call Cocky's technique of pollut­ Cocky assured reporters that all was ing evidence "the New Jersey Treatment." David Cocky well in the Allen Building. "The pressures Speaking for the prosecution again, of being a top University requires periodic Cocky said he would not stand for the University Counsel reeducation . . . uh mental health exams destruction of evidence. "The only person in order to keep everyone sane. Ha, ha." Spring ahead with an IBM PS/2.

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NEW COURSES FOR UNDERGRADUATES Get a jump on your work with an IBM Personal System/2.® DEPARTMENT OF PHARMACOLOGY Just turn it on. It comes with easy-to-use, preloaded software FALL 1990 an IBM Mouse and color display. From writing and revising PHR 150: Pharmacology: papers to adding impressive graphics, nothing beats the Dr us Actions and Reactions IBM PS/2.® 10:35-11:50 Tues, Thurs/Dr. R.D. Schwartz, 684-5181 •Introduction to pharmacology. Mechanisms of drug You'll receive an added action,- concepts of toxicity, resistance, tolerance, lift from the special student PS/2 it! dependence and interactions. Drugs acting on the prices and affordable loan nervous, cardivascular and endocrine systems; therapy of payments* infections and cancer. Let us show you how the PS/2 can get you moving ahead Prerequisites: Introductory biology and chemistry. by leaps and bounds. PHR 233: Principles o! Pharmacology and Toxology 3:25-4:40 Mon,Wed, Fri / Dr. T.A. Slotkin, 684-2315 •Drug absorption, distribution, excretion and metabolism; For details, visit the Duke University Computer Store in the Bryan pharmacokinetics; correlations of structure and function. Center or call our Collegiate Representatives, John Brandt and Rachel Drug and hormone receptors and target cell responses; cellular actions of drugs and toxic substances. Mandell at 1-800-662-8709 ext. 7835. Prerequisites: Introductory biology, CHEM 151, MTH 31,32

PHR 254: Mammaliam Toxicology 3:20-4:35Tues, Thurs/Dr. M.B. Abou-Donia, 684-2221 •Molecular basis for toxicity of chemical and physical •This offer is available only to qualified students, faculty and staff who purchase IBM PS/2's through participating campus outlets. Orders are subject to agents, environmental toxicity, epidemiology and risk availability. Prices are subject to change and IBM may withdraw the offer at any time without written notice. assessment. -.IBM, Personal System/2, and PS/2 are registered trademarks of International Business Machines Corporation i> IBM Corporation 1990. Prerequisites: Introductory Biology, CHEM 151 -.kJk_.y_.__. _•'•:'• ji'iif- .j.ji.jL.1 _IJ .1.-' _T PAGE 22 THE CHOMICLE FRIDAY, MARCH 30, 1990 Those damn faculty just won't shut up and leave us alone

• SHAM from page 1 school of open government and lives and "Just because the sausage-making home. "Besides none of those other Geneva Convention and the Helsinki Ac­ dies by the principles he learned there. process is messy, it doesn't mean we can't departments are real sciences anyway. cords, these actions are clearly prohibited. "Watergate, schmatergate. People should eat the doughnut, as long as it's a jelly," They don't deserve the money that should The administration is violating every keep their noses out of other people's responded Earl Dull, dean of the Engi­ rightfully be used to allow me to invite tenet of international law," said mechani­ business." neering School. Dull recently wrote a big, Physics faculty over for barbeques," cal engineering professor and arcane Uni­ "God, if word got out what we are doing, fat check to the administration trying to Lawrence said. versity historian Edward Suremessy for then some faculty might even dissent. buy some space in SDI. The administra­ At 5 p.m., as the Chapel Bells played in absolutely no reason. EEK! Then we would be on a real slippery tion is unsure about Dull's proposal, but the background, most of the faculty stam­ Suremessy proposed a resolution con­ slope. The press might even publish unfa­ cashed the check anyway. peded out ofthe room, led by Political Sci­ demning the administration as "icky." vorable information about SRI. No we "Oh, wonderful," Arnett said. "All of a ence professor Peter Languish. Korndog The resolution passed unanimously. couldn't let that happen." sudden, Dean Dull's got religion." called a vote to approve or reject SDI. No "Why are you doing this?" Suremessy Desi Arnett Jr., chemistry chair, used "At least he's not Muslim like that faculty voted against the proposal. Unfor­ demanded ofthe administrators. one of his food metaphors to protest the damn Armenian, Teekytokky ... uh tunately at 5:01 p.m. no one was remain­ "I would tell you, but then I'd have to administration's decision. "Imagine the Teryaki . . . uh whatever his damn name ing to approve SDI, so Korndog adjourned kill you," said Dr. Melvyn Lubricate, chair faculty as a doughnut and the administra­ is," said Academic Junta lame duck Al the meeting. of SDI's figurehead faculty committee. tion as a sausage. Now, if you will, picture Korndog. Thursday's meeting was the faculty's "Secrecy on this project must be main­ the administration ramming the sausage Physics department chair, Lawrence of last chance to blow hot air about SDI tained," said Lubricate. into the doughnut. That is what is hap­ Arabia, demanded the money for SDI be before the Bored Trustees rubberstamp Lubricated graduated from the Nixon pening with this SDI project," he said, used to build a new patio for his split-level the project in May.

When it comes to Sports Come to Sheraton University Center Extra large rooms and children under age 18 stay free with parent Indoor pool & Jacuzzi Sundeck Special "training table" meals for teams Restaurant & Lobby Bar for boosters Complimentary airport shuttle Coin operated washers & dryers Special Sports group rates tGLS Sheraton Inn The "MVP" University Center of Hotels The hospitality people of I I III II 2800 MIDDLETON AVENUE DURHAM, NORTH CAROLINA 27705 "Spring Fever PHONE (919) 383-8575. TELEFAX (919) 383-8495 Refuge from the ordinary Fitness Saie!" • Unique interior designs in 16 different styles • Pleasing, scenic landscape Join us Saturday, March 31 st from 9am-9pm. • Sauna and exercise facility • Indoor racquetball courts For 12 hours only, join MetroSport for only... • Solariums • 4,500-sq-ft. clubhouse • Private gated patios and sun decks s 0-= Located on University Drive 3 blocks north of South Square 95 only 3 miles from Duke, 49 * 7 miles from RTP

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By SPEEDY GONZALEZ schemes for baseball. I mean Bull Dur­ The Durham Bulls class A baseball ham was a good idea, but it's not like it franchise is preparing to depart the City boosted attendance or anything." of Malpractice due to the failure of the The effect of the Bull's departure on latest bond referendum for the construc­ Derm remains a question mark, but many tion of the Durham Dome athletic stadi­ people have expressed displeasure with um. Bulls owner Big Bad Wolf recently Wolfs decision to cruise. received a promising offer to head south by a former business partner from Mexi­ co. Shit, What the hell am "Pedro offered me a cool mil if I'd agree to bring my leetle ball club down to to I supposed to do with South ofthe Border," Wolf said over lunch this boring city now. while finishing a cheese sandwich. "I mean how could I resist. After all I'd never sausage a place, and I figured it Mike 'Chuster' Jenkins would work out real well 'cus your always Durham mayor a weiner at Pedro's. If we can keep the cheeze from running into the dugouts we might be able to win the Kraft league "Shit, What the hell am I supposed to championship." do with this boring city now." said Dur­ "Beesball been berry berry good to me," ham Mayor Mike "Chuster" Junkins ex- Pedro said. "I feex dem Bulls up reel good Duke football standout and steroid ex­ and make my leetle wonderland even periment. "It's not like there's anything to beetter. do is this town or anything. Without them "Last week I said, 'Pedro you need damn shitheads up there at that school sometheeng to make thees place seem like from the goddam Middle Ages we your leetle hacienda back home.' And wouldn't even be on the map. Dammit go then after my donkey keeked me in the get me some cheese nachos." heed it came to me. Bull fights. Reeel live Pedro would not release much informa­ bull fights." tion about the layout of the new stadium, PEDRO / SOUTH OF THE BORDER Although the stadium was the primary but said that it's architecture would reason for Wolfs decision to take his remain in keeping with the fine mex-deco Ole! Pedro welcomes the Bulls to his hacienda. ballclub and head out, he was also at­ look that has made his tourist establish­ tracted by the publicity campaign that ment one ofthe finest on the east coast. Pedro was planning for marketing the "That Disney place ain't shit," said franchise. Pedro as he hailed the Dominoes pizza DUKE VS. MARYLAND "He told me he had a line on getting man for a pie with extra cheese. "I mean some billboard space in Maine and Key where else can you find mexico shop east, COLLEGE PARK, MARYLAND West el cheapo," Wolf said. "He had this fireworks, mini-golf, a hotel, and a som­ dream to string his billboards the entire brero elavator ride, where you can see all GAME FACTS: distance of 1-95. He even considered even­ of pedroland." tual expansion of those tacky little things "I hate that goddam eyesore on 1-95," Time: 5:42 p.m. Place: McNichols Sports Arena, Denver, Co. on 1-10, 1-66, and 1-85. I said as long as Junkins said. "If only that Hurricane had Radio: WDNC-620 AM Television: CBS (WRAL-5) you put my Bulls on a few of them I was moved a little further north maybe I'd Series record: 0-0 Last meeting: No previous meetings up for it. still be able to keep my front row seats for Team: Maryland Duke "I'm just not good with publicity the Bulls at the DAP." Overall Record: 34-0 0-36 Record vs. Sweet Sixteen: ->_"? Record at Home: 11-0 0-11 Record on Road: 10-0 0-18 Record at Neutral Sites: 12-0 0-9 Record in November: 0-2 Record in December: 0-7 Record in January: 10-0 0-9 Record in February: 9-0 0-8 Record in March: 0-1 MARYLAND Tl Head coach: Lefty Drie Career college coachir Record at Maryland: Gi Record in NCAA Tournj Probable starters: Guard — The Wizard Guard — Len lousy a Forward — Tom sup. Forward — Albert all Center — Jerrod, my

Strengths Who cares about th< biggest Maryland bask mother. Sure, I go to D land to win every chan wrong on every occass my best friend, so if a drive down from Coliej

back' TOMMY TURTLE /BIG TERP BOOSTER If Jerrod and the rest of the guys play like we know they can, screw everybody. PAGE 24 THE CHOMICLE FRIDAY, MARCH 30,1990 The Real Big Dance No, not the Final Bore. This time, it's a ho down

I SENT UCONN HOME PACKING/CHRISTIAN DAVE QDOM/I'M AS BALD AS LEFTY Billy Bob/Ho Down Herald Lambada ... the forbidden dance! Ralph Kitley shows Alaa the mustache mombo. Bobby Hurley does the Bart Simpson stomp.

SIX ON SIX SPRING OUTDOOR SOCCER TOURNEY SESSION '90 Sponsored by Men's Club Soccer TERM I TERM II West Campus Turf Fields May 17 - June 30 July 3 - August 16 April 3-7

$25 Fee Per 8-Person Team (Two subs) Payable by check or cash to IM/Ciub Office REGISTATION BEGINS MONDAY APRIL 2 WINNERS GET TROPHIES SUMMER SESSION OFFICE (limit 8 Per Team) 121 Allen Building First 16 teams to sign in IM office with payment on Monday April 2. WWWWWWWWWr^^ FRIDAY, MARCH 30, 1990 THE CHOMICLE PAGE 25

CONNIE PEARCY/PLAYBOY WHO CARES/THE CHRONICLE JIMMY DIP/I LIKETO CHEW SNUFF. Devil with the mini dress on. The Blue Devil does another long, boring skit. Brian Davis got a big ol' butt. GOOD LUCK

Congrats Blue Devils! DEVILS Great Season! BEAT ARKANSAS! SPRING INTO SUMMER! _v HO COMPLETE LINE OF #^?\ Ifl £ oft TENNIS APPAREL & EQUIPMENT!

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• For Water Lovers! We Now Have Water Skis! • • Connelly • Kidder • Ho O'Neil Wetsuits 493-9251 The Shoppes of Lakewood 4221 Garrett Rd., Durham, NC M-F 10-6 490-1111 Durham OPEN: Mon.-Fri. 11 a.m.-l:30a.m. (Behind Darryl's) Sat 10-5 968-0731 Chapel Hill Sat. & Sun.. 1p.m.-1:30a.m. A*. MM. JAM,! i PAGE 26 THE CHOMICLE FRIDAY, MARCH 30,1990 Shashefski bags fourth recruit, first convict in Daniels

By DEAN SMITH Stadium, Shashefski tried to diffuse questions and Campus reaction to the Daniels' signing ranged from Duke head basketball coach Mike Shashefski com­ doubts from the ever-inquisitive Durham media about "deliriously happy" to merely "pleased." Not surpris­ pleted his recruiting for the Class of '94 with the signing Daniels' academic qualifications to enter Duke. Daniels ingly, no one at this basketball-mad university ques­ of 6-9 power forward Lloyd Daniels, of New York City never graduated from high school, but was reported to tioned his recruitment. drug-hustling fame. have once checked out a book at the prison library, al­ "I'm sooooooo psyched," squealed an unidentified dizzy "I think he completes our class in a very special way," though rumors that he used the pages to roll joints to blonde, who admitted she knew nothing about basket­ waxed Shashefski eloquently. "He's a very special thug sell to his fellow inmates could not be confirmed. ball but just liked to be seen talking with an athlete any­ whom we feel can bring a lot to our basketball team, and "That's a stupid question," snapped Shashefski as the where on campus. be a part of a good group of kids." media bowed meekly. "Lloyd's a good kid. And everyone "Dude, it's fucking awesome," crowed a cool member of Daniels is currently laid up in a hospital in New York knows that prison education is better than the New a certain fraternity currently on social probation. "Who after being shot in the leg over a disputed drug deal. Ac­ York City public schools." cares if he's a good ambassador for the university as long cording to Duke athletic director Tom Sputters, the Blue When asked what he hoped to get out of Duke, Daniels as he can dunk — dude." Devils will use their sizable proceeds from the 1990 shrugged and said, "Shit, I don't know. [Duke academic "Coach S is god, Coach S is god, Coach S is god," Final Four in Denver to transport Daniels to the Duke adviserl John [F. Kennedy! is working on something for chanted a delirious group of students as they burned a hospital and pay for his speedy recovery. stack of Chronicle outlook boxes. The money could also come in handy in paying off Daniels' parole officer, who is supposed to keep Daniels from leaving New York State. Daniels served time in At­ tica Prison in upstate New York after being convicted for cocaine trafficking. Separated at birth? You make the call! After sneaking past an unusual amount of security in Duke South Hospital, the Chronicle was finally able to track down Daniels in his suite in the Mauve Zone. "I think I could bring a lot of diversity to Duke," crowed Daniels. "Plus, I think it's a good market for my business. The cops on 1-95 were stopping my trade. The Durham-Charlotte-Atlanta corridor on 1-85 is where it's at now. And if things get rough, I'll always have the Betas." Shashefski's signing of Daniels could produce some bad blood should the Blue Devils win their game with Arkansas Saturday and face UNLV for the NCAA title. Two years ago, Runnin' Rebel head coach Gerry Sharkanian tried to recruit Daniels, but ran afoul of that always fair and impartial governing body of intercolle­ giate athletics — the NCAA. "I thought we had Lloyd in the bag," said Sharkanian. "We had him a busboy job at Caesar's Palace and his own prostitution ring. But those dirty bastards at the NCAA put the squeeze on me, and we had to let him go. "Sure, I'm pissed off. What does Duke have that we don't? They don't even have a hotel management major JIM VALVANO / UNEMPLOYMENT WEEKLY KING RICE/AT HOME AGAIN at that Ivy League pretender." Nigel the Lemur At a Wednesday press conference in Cameron Indoor Dean Smith

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By REBOK PUMP are the worst. And how can I get a con­ Popular Playground basketball star tract with CBS to cover the big dance. Mars Blackmon will visit Duke today to Dammit Keith, was that thunder outside begin a nationwide tour promoting his or did you float another cumulus cloud of latest book entitled "Shoes: how to make a methane." shitload of money by smelling up a pair of "I'm the best to ever play in Walaa Air Jordans." He will be giving a lecture Walaa, Budapest or the Sea of Tran­ entitled "Do you know, Do you know, Do quility, shut up I'm doing an interview you know?: The dangers of bungee jump­ here, shut up!" said Blackmon. "Bo who? ing in a pair of Nike airs" in Page audito­ Money? Ali? Reggie? Shit, Reggie think he rium a 9 p.m. this evening to all Duke stu­ bad because he got a goddam candie bar dents that bothered to roll out of the sack named after him. I'm so bad I got a whole early enough to get a ticket or knew some­ damn company named after me." body that was passing them out. Blackmon was a premier player in his Blackmon is perhaps one ofthe greatest day and is sure to pass some of his secrets playground legends to ever play the game on to the Blue Devil faithful. of basketball in some people's estimation. "Back, Back, Back, Back, Back," said "He's almost as good at playing with the ESPN's Chris Bummin'. "Prime Time, round ball as the Fonz was at picking up Prime Time, Prime Time. He could go all chicks," said NBC TVs Al McGwire. "But the way! Holy Shit, Keith Jackson just let he can't disco like the Alster. He could a big one. Dick. Dick. Are you OK Dick." have never played for my team at Mar­ Blackmon's latest book is the third in quette in a million years." the trilogy of his life story, that has made "Yea, Al that's because he was too best seller lists across the world. His pre­ good," chimed CBS's Mike Francessa. vious works entitled "Bo Jackson Ain't "He's the player of the 90's. He's the pro­ Shit!" and "Nobody knows Diddley like I totype of the new breed of college hoops. know Diddley." are currently out of stock It's fast paced, and Blackmon has the everywhere. Blackmon is planning to court savvy to play this game. He can run, make a TV series as well to commemerate he can shoot, but he can't pick out ties like the 10th anniversary of his monster star­ the one I've got on today. Over to you dom. It's due to come out next fall... Brent." "On CBS," interrupted Hamburger. "That's the ugliest thing I've ever seen The 14-hour Doccu-drama includes here on CBS," CBS comentator Burnt detailed accounts of his close friendship Hamburger said. "I'll bet Mars eats his with Charles Shackleford and Mars broccoli. Over to you Dick" recent problems in getting the five bucks "No the other Dick," said Dick Stockton. that the Shack owes him. It will be called "Forget Mars," said ESPN's Dick Vitale. "This you can buy, and this you cannot "What I want to know is how long I have do." DON KING/BUSINESS WEEK to continue doing commentary with Keith "I'm Amphibious," said Shack. "Ribbit. No Mars. YO!!!! Jackson. The man is fat and he his farts Oh my!, that stinks"

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Low, low prices on six packs, case's & kegs (domestic & imported). 1916 Perry St. 1 East Campus! A quick walk from Broad Street 5_ 489-1493 _>_. Hours: Mon-Thurs 10 a.m.-l2 midnight East Campus _> _$• kFrl & Sat 10 a.m.-l :00 a.m. Sun 1 p.m.-10 p.m. 286-5655 Ninth Street ___• PAGE 28 THE CHOMICLE FRIDAY, MARCH 30, 1990

SATURDAY, MARCH 31 MONDAY, APRIL 2 CAMPUS-WIDE 25-FOOT BONFIRE SCREEN Celebrate the season on the quad IN CAMERON after the game. Don't miss our Firewood provided. last "Home Game"! Doors open at 7:45, game at 9:40 SPECIAL SEASON HIGHLIGHTS FREE & A MESSAGE PIZZA, FROM DENVER HOT DOGS, Hear our team's special pre-game SODA, CHIPS. message, tapes from Denver. NO BEER/ALCOHOL IN CAMERON!

BRING VALID DUKE I.D. Sponsored by ASDU and the Athletic Department ith special support from Housekeeping. Public Safety, Student Affairs, Grounds, Sanitation, DUFS, Bryan Center Special Events Services. Technical Services; University Relations, Duke Transit, and The Chronicle. GO DUKE! Look forward to the welcoming of the team in Cameron on Tuesday at 4:00 p.m.