Carmilla the Series (2014) Season 1
EPISODE 1: DISORIENTATION
LAURA:
Silas University in picturesque Styria, where nothing, not even the homecoming goat sacrifice, disturbs the pursuit of knowledge. But under the surface of this placid institute of higher learning you’ll find mystery after mystery. Just last week, students using the catalogue reported a search window claiming it was lost, begging for help to find Dudley Chapel, which burnt down in 1904. So, harmless prank or terrifying mystery waiting–
BETTY:
[I couldn’t make out the first part of her sentence] test!
LAURA:
[addressing the camera] Betty Spielsdorf, ladies and gentlemen! Roommate extraordinaire and best friend of the last several weeks. [addressing Betty] So, how’d you do?
BETTY:
62%. Which is pretty cool. It’s like a gentlewoman’s C.
LAURA:
Hey–
BETTY:
We’re gonna go out and celebrate.
LAURA:
You are so much better than a 62. Maybe if there was a little less celebrating and a little more studying…
BETTY:
[overlapping] Come on, dude. This is what college is about. And finally you’re out of that hamster ball that your dad had you living in…
LAURA:
He just had… safety concerns.
BETTY:
And now it’s time to live. Like, right now. What are you doing right now?
LAURA:
My journalism project.
BETTY:
No. No, no, no, no, no. The quad mixer’s right now, ‘kay? I’m not leaving you here alone talking to the Internet about–
LAURA:
The library catalogue possibly achieving sentience?
BETTY:
‘Kay, so some library catalogue… prank… I don’t know. But all I know is that it is 6 PM on a Friday. We’re gonna get you in something cute… [looks at Laura’s button up and pyjama pants] Ooh, this is bad. ‘Kay, we’re gonna have fun. Let’s do it.
LAURA:
Okay, but I have to finish this before–
BETTY:
No buts. This is our college adventure, come on! Besides, the spooky library will be there tomorrow… Hey, Danny’s gonna be there, that TA. Will you come? Please come.
LAURA:
[considering] Yes, fine!
BETTY:
Yeah!
[getting ready montage, music]
[title card: “THE MORNING AFTER”]
LAURA:
Oh, crap. Have you been on this whole night? [beat] Let’s just do a little before and after, shall we? And how is the Jaegar bombinatrix doing this morning? [Betty’s bed is empty] Betty? Bets? Is this some kind of a joke? [notices card on the ground; picks it up] Ugh… What the…? [reading card] Dear Student, your roommate no longer attends Silas University… What the what?
EPISODE 2: MISSING
LAURA:
[on the phone] No, no, what I’m saying is there was a card, but it is wrong. There is no way that Betty decided to drop out and go home at 2 AM on a Friday night with none of her stuff. And even if she did, there is no way in hell or Hogwarts she left me with this “official” notecard. It is multiple choice!
[reading card] Dear student, your roommate no longer attends Silas University. He or she (A) lost his or her scholarship and decided to go home (B) has elected to attend another school due to your extreme incompatibility (C) experienced a psychological event that left him or her unfit for student life or (D) cited personal reasons, and really, why does anybody do anything? Exit procedures have commenced; no action on your part is required.
I mean, really? Not to mention that I found it next to a pile of ick that started growing mushrooms the next day. So, what I’m gonna need from you, since no one else seems to care that a girl is missing is to talk to the dean of students, okay? [dial tone]
I swear, that is like, the third time. [puts phone back on receiver]
Come on, Betty. Just text me back. Say that you’ve slept over with some subliterate gym shark or something. [re: her old flip phone] Don’t judge. My dad thought I’d use an iPhone to send high resolution selfies to potential stalkers. Okay. [picks up phone again, dials number] Come, join the fun.
ANSWERING MACHINE:
You have reached the office of student affairs at Silas University. If you know your party’s extension, please dial it at any time. [Laura dials number] You have reached Silas Campus Security. If an incident is in progress, please dial 4815 or active the nearest blue tentacle phone. For missing persons, please press 1. To report an escaped entity or poltergeist activity please press– [cell phone rings]
LAURA:
Uh, hi, Betty! Yes, oh, yes, yes! I am the girl with the missing roommate. Thank you so much for calling, nobody else seems to… What? No, I don’t need a new roommate! I already have a roommate. Or, I would if she wasn’t missing. No, you can stop yelling! I’m just– [dial tone]
The university doesn’t wanna help find Betty? Fine. I’ve got three weeks of a journalism class and I’ve seen all of Veronica Mars. I’ll find her myself.
[later]
LAURA:
This is insane. There were hundreds of kids at that mixer and nobody saw anything. Like our floor don, Perry. [imitating Perry] Um, I may have seen her dancing across the quad, but I don’t know, things just got so foggy after the alchemy guys released, you know, the fog… Or the creeps from Zeta Omega Mu. [imitating the dudebros] Uh, like a hottie in a pink halter? I hit, like, three of those last night, chiquita. Or, anybody really. [imitating anyone] Yeah, but wasn’t she with you? [back to Laura] She was. God, why didn’t I keep better track of her? What the hell happened last night? [door opens, Carmilla barges in]
CARMILLA:
Hey.
LAURA:
Um. Excuse me, but who the hell are you?
CARMILLA:
Carmilla. I’m your new roommate, sweetheart.
[END OF EPISODE]
EPISODE 3: THE ROOMMATE
LAURA:
My what?
CARMILLA:
Your new roommate.
LAURA:
I have a roommate.
CARMILLA:
Well, don’t you catch on fast.
LAURA:
No, I mean I have a pre-existing roommate. A prior roommate. Her name is Betty.
CARMILLA:
Oh, yeah? Where’s she?
LAURA:
She’s… missing right now.
CARMILLA:
I see. So, you can’t produce this Betty or anything, but you’d like me to leave?
LAURA:
Well, I wouldn’t put it exactly like tha– [Carmilla pocketing Betty’s things] What are you doing?
CARMILLA:
Well, you see, I may not have this roommate, but what I do have is a letter from your dean of students that says I live here now. [going through Betty’s clothes]
LAURA:
Stop that! Those are not yours.
CARMILLA:
Well, they’re in my half room, cutie. And possession is nine tenths.
LAURA:
[snatches shirt out of Carmilla’s hands] This isn’t your room.
CARMILLA:
Tell you what. You cough up Betty and I’ll hit the road. But until then.. [grabs shirt back]
LAURA:
Oh, this is not happening. You are not my new roommate! I’m gonna find Betty, and you’re gonna be out of here so fast there’s gonna be scorch marks on those leather pants of yours.
[later]
LAURA:
Well, it is day three of the incursion here in room 307 and Betty is still missing. She has been officially replaced with the roommate from hell. Don’t believe me? Let’s roll the surveillance.
LAURA “(V.O.)”.:
She keeps wearing Betty’s clothes. She steals my chocolate. She never cleans anything. She’s never awake before 4 PM, which is perhaps unsurprising when she’s up all night with some girl from an anthropology class. In my bed. But it’s fine, really. Because when Carmilla’s latest “study buddy” came over, I may have mentioned that Carmilla has raging cold sores and she should probably get herself checked out because they are like, super contagious. Boom. Revenge is mine. And so is Carmilla’s super special soy milk that I’m not supposed to touch because [imitating Carmilla] that’s just the way the world works, cutie. Ha. [pours “soy milk”. It’s blood.] Ahh! Ahhh!
[END OF EPISODE]
EPISODE 4: FREAK OUT
LAURA:
See? Blood. In the milk container. In my creepy roommate’s milk container. So, she’s gotta go, right? I mean, this is like, a death threat, or a health code violation. And the time has come for Carmilla to go.
PERRY:
Well, there’s no denying it’s a little odd.
LAFONTAINE:
Odd? That’s where you’re going with this? How many people you know take Type O with their Chokoa Crunch?
PERRY:
LaFontaine, you know you’re not here in an official capacity. So, as Laura’s actual floor don–
LAFONTAINE:
[overlapping] Are you really gonna try and pretend this isn’t a total freak show?
PERRY:
We haven’t even given the roommate a chance to explain herself! For all we know it could be some kind of like, protein supplement.
LAFONTAINE:
For extreme hemoglobin deficiency?
PERRY:
You’re not helping.
LAFONTAINE:
I know you wanna pretend the weird here’s all Doctor Seuss, Perr, but in my world the alchemy club press gangs [?] test subjects in the caf. As this floor’s unofficial truth speaker, I’m gonna tell frosh she needs to wise up if she intends to survive.
LAURA:
Oh, see, surviving. Yes. I like that plan. And in order to do that, we need to get rid of Carmilla.
PERRY:
Well, it’s not that I don’t understand, but don’t you think you oughta talk to her first? A lot of problems can be solved through good communication.
LAFONTAINE:
A lot of problems can also be solved by taking hair and blood samples to figure out exactly what kind of freaky it is you’re dealing with.
LAURA:
Oh, wow. That… oh, okay.
LAFONTAINE:
I’m a bio major.
LAURA:
Okay, if you can’t help me, should I go to the Dean?
PERRY:
Well, that’s really not a good idea.
LAFONTAINE:
Yeah, better just handle this yourself.
PERRY:
By complaining to the Dean, you’d probably just draw attention to yourself and you don’t want that.
LAFONTAINE:
They could stick you with someone much worse and you don’t wanna end up with some draco [?] pyromaniac, you know?
LAURA:
I’m sorry, “draco pyro" what now*? What’s that–
PERRY:
Besides, your old roommate will be back soon and then Carmilla will have to move out.
LAFONTAINE:
It’s a distinct possibility.
PERRY:
It’s what happened with all the other girls who disappeared.
[END OF EPISODE]
EPISODE 5: PATTERNS
LAURA:
I’m sorry, did you just say “all the other girls who went missing”? As in, this has happened before and nobody said anything?
PERRY:
It was nothing unusual. Just, you know, girls wanting to have a good time and getting a little carried away.
LAFONTAINE:
It was completely unusual. [addressing Laura] How do you not know about this? Both of them went missing for two days and then they just show up in a dorm room or a psych classroom with no memory of what happened to them.
PERRY:
It was frosh week. They had too much to drink.
LAFONTAINE:
Yeah, because that causes random disappearances.
PERRY:
Susan, I swear–
LAFONTAINE:
LaFontaine.
PERRY:
Really? Fine. LaFontain-
LAURA:
Okay, whoa. I need to talk to these girls. Like, right now.
PERRY:
Oh, yeah! Of course, you should talk to them. Um, except maybe–
LAURA:
Except maybe what?
PERRY:
Well, maybe not right now. Um. They weren’t hurt or anything, just shaken up, and you’re a little intense.
LAURA;
Intense?
LAFONTAINE:
She means they’re traumatized and you’re on a mission, girl.
PERRY:
But I’ll talk to them and see if they feel up to meeting you, okay?
LAURA:
Yeah, okay.
[Carmilla enters]
PERRY:
You must be Carmilla.
CARMILLA:
Must I be? [takes off shirt]
PERRY:
Well, then. So nice to have you on the floor. I’m sure we’ll be seeing a lot of you. Come on, Susan. And Laura…
LAURA:
Mm?
PERRY:
Remember, communication.
[Perry exits, LaFontaine approaches Laura to hand her the syringe. Laura refuses, and LaFontaine leaves]
[Laura puts away the cereal. Carmilla looks through the fridge for her blood.]
LAURA:
Yeah, you’re not gonna find your “soy milk” in there.
CARMILLA:
It was just a prank.
LAURA:
You filled a milk container with blood as a prank?
CARMILLA:
It was food colouring and.. and… and corn syrup.
LAURA:
Ugh, you are such a freak.
CARMILLA:
There are worse things to be.
LAURA:
Sure. How about a Carmy Cold Sore? That would be worse.
CARMILLA:
Oh, were you the one spreading those little rumours? Nice try. [sits down on bed] That bunched up little face you make when you’re angry is hilarious, buttercup.
LAURA:
I wonder how hilarious it’ll be when I get the dean of students to kick you out.
CARMILLA:
[chuckles] You running to the dean? I’d pay to see that.
LAURA:
Think I won’t?
CARMILLA:
Be my guest.
[Sarah Jane and Natalie at the door]
SARAH JANE:
Sorry. Are we, like, interrupting something?
CARMILLA:
Really not.
SARAH JANE:
Okay, cool. [addressing Carmilla] Hey, hey! Don’t I know you from an intro class?
CARMILLA:
I doubt it.
SARAH JANE:
Okay. Um. I’m Sarah Jane, and this is Natalie. The floor don said Laura… Laura wanted to talk to us.
LAURA:
Oh, yeah. Laura, that’s me.
SARAH JANE:
Okay.
LAURA:
Please, come in. Sit down.
SARAH JANE:
Thank you.
LAURA:
Ignore my roommate. She’s a sociopath.
[later]
LAURA:
So, earlier this year there was a thing where you guys kind of disappeared.
CARMILLA:
Devastating interrogation technique there.
SARAH JANE:
Yeah. It was freaky, okay? One second I’m at the swim team’s under the sea party. I’m, uh, downing Fizzy Dagons. And then, the next thing you know, I’m in my dorm room, I’m waking up, all these people are yelling at me, they’re saying I’ve been missing for two days…
LAURA:
[addressing Natalie] And the same kind of thing happened to you?
NATALIE:
Yeah, like, I was at a wine and cheese and then I was standing in the middle of a lecture hall a day and a half later. Nothing in between.
SARAH JANE:
Right.
LAURA;
And you guys don’t remember anything?
SARAH JANE:
No.
LAURA:
Someone that you saw, someone that struck you as odd?
SARAH JANE:
El zilcho. But Dagons do have a ton of sambuca in them, right? So…
CARMILLA:
Well, there’s the spook of the century.
LAURA:
Feel free to stuff it.
NATALIE:
No, nothing from the time I was gone. Nothing I can remember. But before that there were the dreams.
LAURA:
The dreams?
NATALIE:
Yeah, like, I kept on having the same dream before. Like, I’m awake in the dark, in my bed, and there’s something like a cat or a lizard on the floor by the bed prowling. And sometimes it was this strange figure with dark hair and a white dress standing over me. And the darkness is in my eyes and in my throat and I can’t breathe.
[Carmilla whistles]
LAURA:
What is wrong with you?
CARMILLA:
Right now I’m out of soy milk.
NATALIE:
Um. I’m sorry. Um. I… I used to be… But now… I’m not, like… I’m sorry, I can’t be here anymore. I have to go. Um. I really hope that it passes over you* and I hope it doesn’t touch your face.
SARAH JANE:
Nat?! Um, guys, I’m really sorry. Nat’s kinda PTSD about the creepy dreams, but I’m gonna go. I’m gonna talk her down. Sorry.
CARMILLA:
If someone’s going around kidnapping girls, I can see why they threw those two back. Oh, sorry. Did I mess up your big break there, Lauronica Mars?
LAURA:
I am going to kill you.
[END OF EPISODE]
EPISODE 6: WHY BOTHER?
LAURA:
That was a real actual person who had something terrifying happen to her and all you can do* is make crappy jokes. Are you really so damaged that you’re incapable of caring about anything?
CARMILLA:
And you really think you’re doing anything to help that girl? To help poor Betty?
LAURA:
At least I’m trying to do something.
CARMILLA:
Oh, are you trying your very best? Because I’m sure if you stay pure of heart and really believe that that’ll make a difference.
LAURA:
Well, it’s better than lounging around all day pretending to be all cool and disaffected when really you’re just miserable and alone.
CARMILLA:
And you really think you’re doing a lick of actual good? Do you know anything you didn’t know the day before she vanished? You’re a child, and you understand nothing. Not about life, not about this place, and certainly not about what it takes to survive in a world that– you know what? The sooner you stop playing Lois Lane, the better off you’ll be.
LAURA:
No.
CARMILLA:
What?
LAURA:
No, I’m not just gonna give up. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I am a child. A nineteen year old who had never left her city limits before she got here. Who thought that university was gonna be some big adventure full of books to read and parties to dance at. Who never thought anything bad could actually happen. Well, it turns out the world doesn’t work exactly how I thought it was going to. My university is creepy. And parties are full of numbskulls getting hammered and girls go missing and nobody seems to care. So, maybe that’s just the way it is, but that does not mean that I have to accept it. I deserve better. Betty deserves better. Hell, even you deserve better.
CARMILLA:
What are you doing?
LAURA:
Putting my journalism project up online so that all the students at Silas can see it. And if anyone knows anything about Betty and the other missing girls, then they can help. We can do this together.
CARMILLA:
That’ll be awfully annoying for the university. And the dean.
LAURA:
Well, then she can come and talk to me about it.
CARMILLA:
Oh, I think she might.
LAURA:
There. It’s up.
[alarms, flashing lights in the hallway]
LAURA:
What is that?!
CARMILLA:
You’ve done it now.
LAURA:
Is that a fire alarm?
[LaFontaine and Perry run by the door, Perry runs into the room]
PERRY:
It’s a town hall meeting! They’ve called a town hall! Remember your training*, we’ve got five minutes! Run, run!
[Laura follows Perry out the door. Carmilla steals one of Laura’s cookies and follows, smiling]
[END OF EPISODE]
EPISODE 7: TOWN HALL
[Title card: “a few hours ago”.]
[FLASHBACK]
LAURA:
What is that?!
CARMILLA:
You’ve done it now.
LAURA:
Is that a fire alarm?
[LaFontaine and Perry run by the door, Perry runs into the room]
PERRY:
It’s a town hall meeting! They’ve called a town hall!
[END FLASHBACK]
LAURA:
So, that was harrowing. They really do not like tardiness here. Sorry for getting all cliffhanger-y. Sometimes a girl’s gotta manufacture her own excitement, you know?
So, did Silas’ byzantine bureaucracy finally call a town hall to discuss the fact that girls have gone missing? Nope. Apparently, uploading anything inflammatory to the Silas ethernet, a word they can’t even spell properly, by the way, sets off an immediate security response.
DANNY (“O.S.”):
I think I got the worst of it out. [comes into frame] Thanks for letting me use your bathroom.
LAURA:
Oh, yeah. Totally. Sorry about the general level of filth. My roommate is kinda relaxed about hygiene.
DANNY:
Oh, no. Don’t worry about it. So, your roommate was the one who was glaring at us on the walk back, right? With all the eyeliner? [Laura nods] So where’d she go?
LAURA:
She dematerializes within twenty feet of unwashed dishes.
DANNY:
Oh. Hey, are you making another video? Like, eight hot seconds after almost being busted?
LAURA:
Uh, yes.
DANNY:
That’s pretty ballsy, Hollis.
LAURA:
Yeah, ballsy! That’s me. Besides, LaFontaine thinks she’s figured out a way to post them safely, and I have got to report on the crazy at the town hall, right?
DANNY:
Yeah.
LAURA;
Uhhh, but before I do that… [grabs stool and brings it to the desk] Hey, everyone, meet Danny Lawrence! [notices height difference] Should we…?
DANNY:
Yeah.
LAURA:
Okay. Uh, my very awesome English Lit TA and VP of outdoor rec for the Summer Society which is… an outdoor social club for all girls athletics?
DANNY:
Uh, yeah. We host the school’s annual Adonis Festival and Hunt. Uh, hi, Laura’s audience. It’s nice to be here.
LAURA:
Well, I wouldn’t say that I have an audience yet. But it is nice to have you. Here. Have you here.
So, the town hall. We’re all packed into the auditorium and the dean stands up, and holy crap, is she six feet of power suited, middle aged glamazon and says: [imitating the dean] it has come to the attention of the university that a certain individual or individuals are circulating rumours about students disappearing. Rest assured, if these disturbances do not cease, the perpetrators will be dealt with.
At which point, I’m pretty sure I’m gonna get expelled, because nobody is saying anything, probably because they’re afraid she’s gonna suck their souls out through their eyeballs, but then Danny gets up and just…
DANNY:
No, it really wasn’t that big of a deal.
LAURA:
Yeah, it was.
DANNY:
I simply wanted to point out that you shouldn’t be calling a missing persons report rumour when one of our own members went missing at a rush party.
LAURA:
See? Totally amazing. Amazing as in just, like, a really brave person who stands up for people who can’t stand up for themselves. Like, that kind of amazing.
DANNY:
Thanks. You know, not that it meant much after the Zetas started in on that safety patrol crap.
LAURA:
[imitating the Zetas] Uh, the obstreperous brothers of Zeta Omega Mu have decided that is uncool that hotties might feel unsafe going to parties or making their walks of shame at 4 AM, and as so have decided to personally protect any coed 7.5 or higher.
DANNY:
Which is just a faux chivalrous way of oppressing the female student body. We should be reinstating our night marches.
LAURA:
Uh, completely [laughs nervously]! But when Danny and the Summer Society suggested that, the alchemy department started freaking out because apparently, that’s gonna [imitating the alchemy department] ruin some mycological transitions.
DANNY:
They are such weird little creepers!
LAURA:
And then the Zetas piped in with this chant that pretty much sounded like pizza or death.
DANNY:
[laughs] And then some idiot started throwing salted* herring into the crowd.
LAURA:
[laughs] And then, the dean ended the town hall before anybody could actually talk about anything! Ugh!
DANNY:
Just… I’ll take it out… [pulls fish out of Laura’s hair]
LAURA:
Ugh… [laughs] Thanks. I thought I got them all out. The meeting may’ve sucked, but I’m really glad I ran into you.
DANNY:
Yeah, me too. Hey, you know, we should collaborate. Compare notes. You know, figure things out. You can document the investigation for your project here. I think we’d make a pretty great team.
LAURA:
Yeah, a team! You and me, absolutely.
DANNY:
Cool. Well, I’m gonna go get my notes on our missing sister, and I’ll see you later.
LAURA:
Sure.
DANNY:
Okay.
LAURA:
Okay. Bye! [Danny leaves] Yes! [Laura does a happy dance and sits back in her chair] [knock at the door]. Oh, Danny, did you forget something?
KIRSCH:
Hey, little nerd hottie.
LAURA:
Uh, hi. Who are you?
KIRSCH:
I’m your designated Zeta Omega Mu safety companion. Kinda like an escort. Only a dude. A dudescort. [chuckles] How awesome is that?
LAURA:
Yeah. Awesome.
KIRSCH:
Hey, is that fish in your hair?
[END OF EPISODE]
EPISODE 8: PITSA I THANATO
LAURA:
It is very, very nice of you large, large gentlemen to offer to keep me safe but, as you can see, I’m in my room. Snug as a bug in a rug. So, you’re good to go.
KIRSCH:
Yeah, but what if you wanna go somewhere else?
LAURA:
I’m sure I’ll think of something.
WILL:
Sure you wanna take that risk? I mean, this campus isn’t really safe for a girl alone at night.
KIRSCH:
Yeah. And we made a vow as Zetas. “If there’s a hottie, we’ll be on her”.
LAURA:
Sounds chivalrous.
KIRSCH:
Totally.
LAURA:
Okay, how about this? If I decide to go wandering down some dark alleyways late at night, you guys’ll be my first call.
KIRSCH:
Really?
LAURA:
Sure.
KIRSCH:
Great. But maybe we should just stick around. You know, just for a little bit. Wouldn’t wanna let a hottie down.
LAURA:
Okay, please stop saying hottie. My name is Laura.
KIRSCH:
I know. You’re in my Lit class! You helped me the first day with the book about about the Beobab guy… You know…
LAURA:
Beowulf?
KIRSCH:
Whatever. That’s why I picked you special. We can, uh, just stick around here for a bit. And seeing as you like British stuff so much, I brought stout. And uh, some tea. And, uh, these biscuit things, which I’m pretty sure are just cookies. And oh, hey, Will could go get us a [?] for…
LAURA:
Oh, that’s really not necessary.
KIRSCH:
And there’s even a movie about the Beobab guy. Uh, but in this one he gets it on with the chick from Tomb Raider.
[Carmilla enters, sees Will]
CARMILLA:
What the frilly hell is this?
KIRSCH:
Whoa. We’re your dudescorts, sexy lady.
WILL:
Here to keep you safe from the things that go bump in the night.
CARMILLA:
Get the hell out of here before I feed you each other’s spleens.
KIRSCH:
Whoa, angry hottie. [off Laura’s glare] Angry… sexy lady.
CARMILLA:
[to Laura] Why did you let these lackwits in?
LAURA:
Let? What part of this looks like let?
CARMILLA:
Isn’t this exactly what you wanted when you plastered your little plea for help all over the Internet?
LAURA:
No! And you haven’t even seen my videos.
CARMILLA:
[imitating Laura] Oh no, Betty’s missing! Oh no, Carmilla’s mean! [back to herself] Am I close?
LAURA:
Spot on. Except the girl playing you is kind of a raging… bad person.
KIRSCH:
Okaaaay. Laura and Carm… sexy. Babes shouldn’t fight. You know, unless there’s a kiddie pool full of cream corn somewhere.
CARMILLA:
[hits Kirsch in the stomach; Kirsch doubles over] Maybe I just don’t enjoy being hauled in front of the dean because of your ridiculous [hits Kirsch in the back; he falls to the ground] project.
LAURA:
Oooookay. Truce, truce! I moratorium on the Betty investigation just long enough to get these fine, upstanding, young gentlemen stalkers out of our hair, okay?
CARMILLA:
Alright, deal.
LAURA:
Deal.
CARMILLA:
[turns to Kirsch, seduction eyes are in full swing] Oh, my poor, poor boy. I’m sorry I have such a terrible temper. Could you possibly forgive me?
KIRSCH:
Yeah. It ain’t no thing. [Carmilla’s hand on his arm] That tickles.
CARMILLA:
Well… Oh, look at these. Such arms, such shoulders. The primitive by way of the neoclassical.
KIRSCH:
Yeah, well. I work out.
CARMILLA:
I could just eat you alive. [her face is on his neck]
KIRSCH:
Oh, whoa. Ah! Biting, biting, oh, ow!
WILL:
God, what the hell is wrong with you, psycho?
CARMILLA:
Oh, what? Aren’t you gonna stay and help protect us poor, vulnerable girls?
KIRSCH:
You bit me. [to Will] Dude, she bit me! That is so not cool.
[Kirsch and Will leave]
CARMILLA:
[off Laura’s WTF look] What? It was barely a nip. You said you wanted them gone.
LAURA:
Gone. Not hemorrhaging.
CARMILLA:
Guess that’s it for the truce, then.
[computer pinging repeatedly in the background]
LAURA:
Okay, I’m sorry everybody got dragged in front of the dean and I’m sorry for the whole town hall fiasco, but I’m not sorry for posting the videos and I’m not gonna stop.
CARMILLA:
It’s only a matter of time before you get caught. Are you really willing to risk that for a series that has, what, three viewers?
LAURA:
[re: computer pinging] What is that? [sits down at computer] Yeah. I don’t think the lack of viewers is gonna be the problem.
[END OF EPISODE]
EPISODE 9: NANCY DREW
LAURA:
I can barely believe this. I mean, when I put the videos up I thought there might be a few of you who had seen the weird and wanted to help, but the fact that there are so many of you… I mean… I’m overwhelmed. We’re gonna figure this out. And of course, when I say we I mean [turns to reveal Danny, writing on a chart] Danny and I!
We have been working nonstop and, not that we’re geniuses or anything, but I think we’re really close to a breakthrough.
DANNY:
Oh no, I totally think we’re geniuses.
[Carmilla makes gagging sound]
CARMILLA:
Oh, sorry. I just got really nauseous all of a sudden.
DANNY:
Oh, that’s too bad. Maybe you should lay down.
[Carmilla makes sign… thing… at Danny ???]
DANNY:
[to Laura] So, she’s kind of intense.
LAURA:
Yeah. You have no idea. But we’re not here to get hung up on my jerkface roommate.
DANNY:
You’re totally right.
LAURA:
Okay.
DANNY:
‘Kay. As far as we know, we have four missing girls. All have disappeared at parties. Two have reappeared. And both with no memory of what happened.
LAURA:
Exactly. But all the disappearances aren’t all the same, either. Sarah Jane and Natalie were having those super creepy dreams and we don’t know if Betty or…
DANNY:
Elsie.
LAURA:
Elsie were having them and nobody else got a weird card or an elbow full of proto-shiitake goop.
DANNY:
[laughs] I wish I’d gotten to see that.
LAURA:
You really don’t, actually. So, can we think of anything else that the girls or the parties have in common?
[Danny and Laura working, Carmilla hanging out montage]
TITLE CARD: “a whole three seconds later”
LAURA:
I think my brain has melted.
DANNY:
It’s okay. We’ll get you some carbs, some caffeine, you know, come at it fresh–
LAURA:
[running to fridge] Ooooh! Oh my gosh, I am a terrible host! I haven’t even offered you anything to drink or a snack. Would you like a snack? I have… peanut butter, grape soda, snack cakes.
DANNY:
Oh my god. How are you even alive right now? You know all that stuff is filled with polysyllabic chemicals.
LAURA:
I know, but it’s also really delicious. And chocolate is comforting in the face of epic failure.
DANNY:
It’s not epic failure!
LAURA:
We have been at this for ages and there is just nothing.
DANNY:
Hey… Not nothing! Okay, look at this. Okay, all four girls go missing at parties, right? The under the sea swim team party, the Summer Society rush party, the north quad mixer, the psychology wine and cheese…
LAURA:
All different events, planned by different groups…
DANNY:
Yeah, but look at the party gear! Okay, at the… uh, at the swim team party, small drink cauldron of Fizzy Dagons. At the wine and cheese, a three foot volcanic replica with melted brie. At the Summer Society, bioluminescent candy bugs. And at the north quad mixer…
LAURA:
Party fog.
DANNY:
All provided courtesy of…
LAURA:
The alchemy department. [re: dramatic, gloomy music] Wow, the glee club is really giving her, huh?
TITLE CARD: “Silas University Glee Club, Join Now, Sing Forever”
LAURA:
So, you think someone from the alchemy club is taking girls?
DANNY:
It’s thin, but it’s a start… Watson.
CARMILLA:
Have you even seen those lab rats you’re accusing? Most of them couldn’t carry off a Twizzler.
LAURA:
She’s right. Maybe we should talk to Sarah Jane and Natalie again, see if anything jogs their memory…
CARMILLA:
Oh, great. Another visit from Miss Madness and Terror. That’ll be a blast.
[later, Natalie in party gear, Laura looking horrified, Danny at the back of the shot]
NATALIE:
Oh my god, this is so awesome! So, are you like, gonna put this on TV or something?
LAURA:
No… Are you feeling okay?
NATALIE:
Oh my gosh, yes! I’ve never had more fun in my life.
LAURA:
Okay, because the last time we talked you were a little freaked out, you know? About the time that you were missing and the dreams?
NATALIE:
[overlapping] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, right. That was scary, but so glad that that’s over. Hey, do you guys, like, have any coolers? No, no? Okay, anybody wanna do some table dancing? [to Carmilla] You? No? [to Danny] You?
DANNY:
No…
NATALIE:
Come on, hot stuff. I know you like to dance…
[Natalie dancing up against Danny]
DANNY:
No… No, no, no, no.
[Laura turns to look at the camera]
[END OF EPISODE]
EPISODE 10: THE REAL BETTY
LAURA:
Something seriously wrong is happening on this campus. Because of the whole alchemy club sitch we tried talking to Natalie again. What could just suddenly turn this girl:
[FLASHBACK]
NATALIE:
I really hope that it passes over you and I hope it doesn’t touch your face.
[END FLASHBACK]
LAURA:
Into this girl:
[FLASHBACK]
NATALIE:
Anybody wanna do some table dancing?
[END FLASHBACK]
LAURA:
And it isn’t just Natalie who isn’t herself either.
[FLASHBACK]
SARAH JANE:
[to Kirsch] You’re tall. I like you.
LAURA:
How long has she been like this?
KIRSCH:
Oh, don’t get jealous, little nerd– Laura, just ‘cause Sarah Jane stole me away from you.
LAURA:
Alright, first, ugh. Secondly, I–
SARAH JANE:
Okay, no. Don’t be mean to my boo. He’s nice. He made me hot chocolate and he’s gonna take me to the party. Yeah?
KIRSCH:
Next week.
[END FLASHBACK]
LAURA:
But, I mean… That’s not just kidnapping. That’s… I don’t even know. It’s like they’re whole other people.
Danny’s gone to see what she can figure out about the alchemy club guys but… I don’t know. I mean, I know the alchemy club is into some pretty weird stuff, but there’s a difference between prehensile cheese and turning coeds into pod people.
Natalie was here on a full scholarship [photo, Natalie’s graduation; Natalie with her family] and Sarah wrinkly face Jane was a [photo, Sarah Jane with a medical team] freaking premed prodigy before that swim team party.
I mean, I know Betty was a party animal, but…
Holy crap. Betty was, wasn’t she? Or, what if whatever this is was already happening to her before she was even kidnapped? And what if there’s a way to figure out if she was actually… [typing]
TITLE CARD: “One 18 hour workday later…”
CARMILLA:
[waking up] Mmm… Mm… Morning.
LAURA:
It’s 5 PM.
CARMILLA:
What are you still doing here? Aren’t you usually in the middle of an 18 hour workday? Wait, are you skipping class?
LAURA:
I felt sick.
CARMILLA:
Huh. You do look like crap. Well, I’ve got a talk I wanna catch on Goethe. So, I’ll be back before Thursday [puts mug of cocoa in front of Laura]. Try not to get all sweaty and delirious before I get back.
LAURA:
Uh, thanks.
[Carmilla leaves]
Well, that was… [looks at mug] My cocoa. Of course it was.
So, after several hours of Facebook stalking, let me reintroduce to you: Elizabeth Anne Spielsdorf. High school valedictorian, mayoral page. Whatever was happening was happening before she even disappeared. And I didn’t have a clue. God, what the hell is going on here?
[LaFontaine and Perry run in]
LAFONTAINE:
Laura, you gotta hide quick.
LAURA:
What?
PERRY:
The dean! The dean is coming.
[the dean gets to the doorway]
LAURA:
Uh, hi, miss dean. Can we help you?
DEAN:
I’m here to speak with Miss Karnstein.
LAURA:
Who?
DEAN:
Carmilla.
[END OF EPISODE]
EPISODE 11: A VISIT FROM THE DEAN
LAURA:
And what kind of thrilling do we find ourselves on now, gentle viewers? Our terrifying dean of students has dropped by unannounced and she’s reprimanding my awful roommate in the hallway. So, naturally, I thought I’d share the fun with you.
PERRY:
This is so childish. You’d think we were still six.
LAFONTAINE:
Shh! I can almost hear what she’s saying.
[talking in the hall, indistinct]
Okay. “I didn’t go out of my way to have you accepted here to have you behaving like this”! Man, she is in trouble.
LAURA:
Well, she’s as* wonderful a student as she is a roommate.
PERRY:
Schadenfreude isn’t very attractive, Laura.
LAURA:
But so satisfying.
LAFONTAINE:
Oh, uh, “if you don’t take care of the situation I will”. Man, all that’s missing is “now straighten up and fly right, young lady”.
LAURA:
Yes!
[Perry clears throat]
I know, it’s just… she so had it coming.
[door opens]
LAFONTAINE:
Oh, hi, miss Dean sir, your disapprovingness.
PERRY:
So lovely to have you visiting the floor, ma’am.
[Carmilla enters the room, awkward pause]
PERRY:
Well, as much fun as we’ve all been having, I’m sure LaFontaine and I have a student crisis to attend to somewhere.
LAFONTAINE:
Oh, yeah, totally. [to Carmilla] But before we go, I have some questions for you about–
PERRY:
You can ask her later.
LAFONTAINE:
But–
PERRY:
Now, Susan.
[Perry and LaFontaine leave. Carmilla throws something]
LAURA:
Did you wanna talk about it?
CARMILLA:
No.
LAURA;
‘Cause a personal chewing out from the dean of students, that is impressively badass or something.
CARMILLA:
But I so had it coming, didn’t I?
LAURA:
Look, I didn’t mean it like that.
CARMILLA:
Please. You think the dean is raking me out over the coals because I don’t play along with your passive aggressive chore wheel?
LAURA:
No! But well, why would she be?
CARMILLA:
I said some things she didn’t like.
LAURA:
When, in your seminar?
CARMILLA:
[getting a tissue] God, this age doesn’t understand obligation. It’s like an undersea anchor; impossible to escape.
LAURA:
Ah. Worried you aren’t, uh, living up to expectations, huh? [Carmilla meets her eyes] Only child of a massively overprotective dad here? And I didn’t even have to get all Coleridge-y about it.
[Carmilla smiles. Laura brings the wastebasket to Carmilla, who drops the tissue into it]
[Danny enters]
DANNY:
Hey… guys. I return* from the alchemy department victorious.
LAURA:
Wait, they are the ones behind it, taking the girls?
DANNY:
Oh, no. More like they’re the ones using dander collected at parties to seed an immense interconnected fungus throughout campus…
LAURA:
I’m sorry, what now?
DANNY:
Apparently it’s a communications experiment. Or maybe a very complicated risotto recipe. I don’t know. That’s not the victory part [gets computer chip from pocket].
These creepy little proto scientists have been photo tracking every party on campus for their documentation.
LAURA:
We have pictures of every party where the girl has disappeared?
DANNY:
Yep.
LAURA:
And we can track all the girls through all of them! Danny, you are brilliant.
DANNY:
I like the sound of that.
CARMILLA:
[clears throat] Sorry. I just forgot that I have to be anywhere but here.
DANNY:
(sarcastically) Oh, that’s too bad. No, come back.
LAURA:
Don’t.
DANNY:
What? Why not?
LAURA:
She’s just had kind of a rough day is all.
DANNY:
Oh, no. You are entirely too sweet.
LAURA:
Yeah, yeah. Come on. We have hundreds of photos to sort through. Well, that is going to be incredibly boring.
TITLE CARD: “An incredibly boring amount of time later…”
[later]
LAURA:
(asleep) No, I don’t… I see the goldfish…
DANNY:
[laughs] Hey, Laura. Laura. Laura, you’re dreaming. [pokes Laura on the nose]
LAURA:
Whaaa! I’m awake.
DANNY:
Don’t bite my head off or anything. Okay, no, but I think I found something.
LAURA:
What? Where?
DANNY:
Okay, look: Elsie. The sister who’s missing?
LAURA:
Mhmm.
DANNY:
There she is at the party. And take a look at who’s with her.
LAURA:
Holy crap. Carmilla.
[END OF EPISODE]
EPISODE 12: EVIDENCE
LAURA:
Good evening. Danny had to hit an emergency Summer Society meeting, so it’s just me today. And I know that some of you watching think we’re overreacting, but you’ve got to admit it looks pretty hinky.
[picture, party]
The under the sea party. And yes, that is Sarah Jane dancing with a gentleman who apparently thought a shirt didn’t go with his seahorse crown. But the interesting thing is about five feet behind them where Carmilla is at a swim team party.
This is… [another picture, another party] the psychology wine and cheese. So what the hell is a third year philosophy dilettante doing there, giving Natalie the stalkerest-y stalker eyes ever? And then, there is the nail in the proverbial coffin: Carmilla talking to, possibly even arguing with, Elsie. Or, as you may remember her: study buddy.
[FLASHBACK]
[Carmilla and Elsie reading Laura’s diary, Laura kicks Elsie out]
[END FLASHBACK]
I may have no idea what’s going on here, but it seems pretty damn clear that my sleeps all day, chocolate pinching replacement roommate is up to her ultra thick eyeliner in it. And if she is, well, confronting her has historically been about as effective as using bug spray on Voldemort.
[FLASHBACK]
CARMILLA:
[hits Kirsch in the stomach; Kirsch doubles over] Maybe I just don’t enjoy being hauled in front of the dean because of your ridiculous [hits Kirsch in the back; he falls to the ground] project.
LAURA:
Oooookay.
[END FLASHBACK]
So, do I start not just surveilling her but actively investigating my own roommate, completely disregarding anything like interpersonal boundaries and essentially stalking her? We started yesterday. And the best part is, she’s too lazy to even watch these videos, so I can keep you guys in the loop and she’ll never even know.
TITLE CARD: “Laura in the loop”
LAURA:
Or if she is watching, then she’ll have to confront me.
[indistinct creepy wind and barking outside]
What the…?
[Danny runs in and locks the door behind her]
DANNY:
Are you okay? Did they try to get in?
LAURA:
Who are “they”?
DANNY:
The Zetas. They were trying to walk the women’s swim team home from the gym, but then one of the girls called us for help. But then someone shoved someone, and now it’s turned into this big turf war over who’ll protect the gym or the track or who knows what else! I didn’t know if it made it this far. I had to know if you were okay.
LAURA:
Oh, wow. That’s… Why are you wearing warpaint?
[knock at the door]
KIRSCH:
Hey, little nerd! Laura! Are you in there?
LAURA:
Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me [heading to door].
DANNY:
Laura? Laura! What are you doing?!
LAURA:
It’s only Kirsch! [opens door] We’re fine.
KIRSCH:
I was really worried about you because– [Danny grabs his ear and drags him to Laura’s bed] Whoa! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
LAURA:
Danny, geez!
KIRSCH:
Come on! Why are the hotties in this room always trying to hurt me?!
DANNY:
Karma?
KIRSCH:
Uncool, Summer Psycho. Not Mark of Kingsberry [sic] rules.
DANNY:
That’s boxing, dumbass. [to Laura] I can’t believe you let him in here. For all you know, he was trying to take this dorm for the Zetas!
KIRSCH:
Hey, we’re just trying to protect hot people.
DANNY:
The only threat to the girls in this dorm are you and your fratdaddy frats.
LAURA:
Okay, maybe we should just…
KIRSCH:
That is unfair, okay? ‘Cause I’m here out of the, like, bro-ness of my heart, alright? I’m not even trying to hook up ‘cause I got a girlfriend, alright? So why is everyone so pissed at us because we’re trying to keep the campus safe?
DANNY:
Because safe for you goons does not mean safe for everyone else!
LAURA:
Okay, no, no, seriously…
KIRSCH:
If you weren’t such a hottie, you’d be in big, big trouble.
DANNY:
[pushes Kirsch onto the bed, adopts fight stance] Bring it, popped collar.
LAURA:
Okay! Stop it! Stop it, both of you! I get it. You both wanna protect the campus. So, has it even occurred to you that while you’re duking it out, nobody is actually out there protecting anybody at all?!
DANNY:
But he’s the one who started–
LAURA:
He started it?! Really?!
KIRSCH:
We totally didn’t start it!
LAURA:
Not helping! All I’m saying is that the actually useful thing to do might be to skip the smackdown in the middle of my bedroom and go talk some sense into the idiots setting fire to security carts over who gets to protect people.
KIRSCH:
I knew from the first day of English Lit that you were smart. [to Danny] She is so smart.
DANNY:
Yes, she is.
KIRSCH:
And a hottie. That’s–
DANNY:
Aaaaand it’s time for you to go now.
[pushes Kirsch out the door]
Laura, are you sure you’re gonna be okay by yourself?
LAURA:
I’m fine. Besides, she doesn’t know that I know anything. I should be worried about you, turf war and all.
DANNY:
Ah, it’s mostly just paintballs and anchovies. I’ll talk them down.
LAURA:
Take care!
[Danny leaves]
Take care? Really? Not that my excruciating awkwardness should even be a blip right now. I’ve got a roommate to surveil.
[turns off lights, puts on pyjamas, gives camera a thumbs up, goes to bed]
[later]
LAURA:
Okay. There was nothing there. Because I left the stupid camera on and I’ve looked through all the surveillance… There was nothing here. It just seemed so real. Like… like that weird moment of clarity during magic hour or the moment right before a car crash. I was in my room and there was something in my bed. Something under my bed. This dark, prowling thing without a face. And then it was this little girl crying. I tried to pull the blankets over my face to hide but the darkness started seeping through them like blood, more and more, until I was drowning in it.
[long pause, scuttling noises, Laura turns]
[END OF EPISODE]
EPISODE 13: I, SPY
LAURA:
No, damnit! That was a whole update. Apparently, delivered to a dead camera. Fine. So, some of you have been kind enough to point out the unholy night terrors that have been ruining my sleep for the past several nights might not be related to my study diet of frosted filled treats and grape soda and kinda sound like the dreams that Natalie was having right before she got… pod peopled.
And between that and trying to figure out how Carmilla’s involved with the missing girls… I’m kinda freaking out.
[Carmilla enters]
CARMILLA:
You’re jumpy. [Laura sighs] Worried about your girlfriend making peace with the frat boys?
LAURA:
What? No. And Danny’s not my girlfriend. I don’t… think. Just, uh, some squicky dreams from the last few nights.
CARMILLA:
Well, dreams are supposed to be strange. Last night I dreamt I was trapped under a bed.
LAURA:
You dreamt you were under a bed?
CARMILLA:
Yeah. Above me someone was crying. A little girl in a white night dress. And then it rained blood around the edges of the bed until I drowned.
LAURA:
How creepily specific.
CARMILLA:
But just a dream. No reason for all of this… twitchiness.
LAURA:
There is no twitching. There is an absence of twitching.
CARMILLA:
Clearly. [turns to go, but then turns back] You know, if it’s really making you so miserable, I could get you something to help you sleep.
LAURA:
That’s… uncharacteristically considerate of you.
CARMILLA:
Yeah, well, I just don’t want you losing it and torching all my stuff.
LAURA:
Oh. [laughs sarcastically] Yeah, of course not.
[Carmilla leaves]
And yeesh, that has not been easy either. Of course Carmilla decides to start acting like a halfway decent human being the moment I figure out she’s probably kidnapping people.
[LaFontaine runs into the doorway, followed by Perry]
LAFONTAINE:
Where’s she headed?
LAURA:
Philosophy of tyranny in the Robespierre building.
LAFONTAINE:
Got it covered.
PERRY:
No, we don’t. This is insane!
[Perry and LaFontaine leave]
LAURA:
Because yes, gentle viewers, the roommate surveillance project has been active for over the last week, and the results are starting to look profoundly WTF.
[montage of stuff to illustrate Laura’s points]
LAURA (“V.O”):
First, of course, are the hours and hours of scientific evidence that she’s the worst roommate ever. But her preternatural ability to clog the shower drain with her hair is only the tip of the weird-berg. She’s nocturnal. She sleeps until four then vanishes like a puff of antisocial smoke until just before daybreak. She doesn’t eat anything except my chocolate and that protein slurry that she keeps in her soy milk container; a diet which I suspect means she should be dead. Not freaktastic enough? That’s fine, because here’s where we go full on weekly world news.
I know Silas has some quirks, but I’m pretty sure spontaneous combustion, super strength, and an all protein diet weren’t options on my roommate form.
[end V.O.]
I mean, we’ve all seen the pictures of [Carmilla in the doorway] her with the missing girls and now this? How likely is it that she– [notices Carmilla; changes tabs]
Uh, hey! I’m not doing anything.
CARMILLA:
Sure. Your Snape/Ron fic’s still on the screen, spaz. [Laura chuckles nervously] I just came to bring you this.
LAURA:
Is that a dried bat wing?
CARMILLA:
Yeah. It’s a charm or whatever. To help with the bad dreams? [putting charm on Laura’s wrist] You’re annoying, but if you burn out from sleep deprivation they’ll probably replace you with someone even more OCD. The devil you know, you know?
LAURA:
Uh, thank you. So, in the spirit of all this newfound closeness, maybe you could tell me where you go all night?
CARMILLA:
Mm. [leaving] Well, I have to keep some of my secrets. Otherwise I’ll lose my air of mystery, won’t I? [leaves]
LAURA:
Was that…? Was she just flir…?
[END OF EPISODE]
EPISODE 14: RESEARCH TRIP
LAURA:
Okay. So, if that really was flirting then there are two options here. One. My immoral, jerkface, possible kidnapper roommate has a crush on me and is giving me presents. Or two. My immoral, jerkface, possible kidnapper roommate is pretending to have a crush on me and is giving me gifts because [whispering] I’m next. Heugh! [takes charm off, shoves it under mattress. Reconsiders, then shoves it under Carmilla’s mattress] There.
[LaFontaine in doorway]
LAFONTAINE:
Hey. We lost her at the Shunde [?] house again. I swear I knocked on every stall of the ladies’. I’m developing a reputation. [off Laura’s sad look] Geez, frosh. What contaminated your control samples?
LAURA:
Oh, you know. I miss my dad. I have papers due. I’m about to be my roommate’s next victim.
LAFONTAINE:
You really think you’re in the crosshairs*?
LAURA:
I don’t know. Even if I am, what am I supposed to do about it? I showed Perry footage of Carmilla lifting, like, a 400 pound duffel bag and Perry suggested Carm must really be giving it her all at bootcamp.
LAFONTAINE:
Yeah. Perr likes normal. She’s been that way since we were kids. She used to play monsters, and she’d pretend to be the monster mommy. And wouldn’t it be nice if we brushed our monster teeth and did our monster homework? [chuckles] We could go over Perry’s head.
LAURA:
To whom?
LAFONTAINE:
Well, there’s at least one other person we know who has a vested interest in reigning Carmilla in.
LAURA:
Are you suggesting–
LAFONTAINE:
That you shower, change into your best cub [?] reporter duds, we crash the Faculty Club, and present your evidence to the dean?
LAURA:
The dean? Aren’t we supposed to be avoiding her at all costs?
LAFONTAINE:
Desperate times, desperate measures. Come on. Let’s get you changed into something with a little less whiff.
LAURA:
Are you saying that I smell?
LAFONTAINE:
I’m saying that I don’t want the way you smell to affect my credibility with the dean. I’ve got a couple of theories to run by her about the swim team… [leads Laura O.S.]
TITLE CARD: “Precisely one faculty club crash later…”
[LaFontaine looking beat up, Perry tending to their wounds, Danny lecturing Laura]
DANNY:
You should’ve never gone out that late!
LAURA:
I know.
DANNY:
And without telling anyone!
LAURA:
I know! We’re sorry, we’re sorry! For everyone just catching up at home, it’s been an… exciting evening. LaFontaine and I crashed the Faculty Club.
LAFONTAINE:
Brilliantly disguised as a young visiting professor and research assistant.
LAURA:
Sadly, our cover was blown before we could get to the dean because somebody decided to get into an argument with the head of gnostic mathematics about the longterm strategic plan for the Illuminati.
LAFONTAINE:
It was a chance to raise awareness.
LAURA:
But as we were being bodily dragged from the Club, I snatched victory from the jaws of total failure by snatching this [holds up photo] off the wall. This is the dean’s special council meeting in 1954. So, is that Carmilla’s grandmother, great aunt…? There’s no names on the back of the photo. But there was one way to find out…
DANNY:
Oh, sure. You know, tell it like this insane plan that the pair of you hatched was the next logical step. You know what this girl did? At 6:48 PM? These two geniuses decided to hit up the library.
LAURA:
Which I admit, in retrospect, was not the most brilliant idea. [Perry hands her a mug of hot chocolate] Thanks.
PERRY:
Everything in your fridge is made of glucose and palm oil. I’m surprised you don’t have scurvy.
LAURA:
I know, but delicious cookies? Everything was fine! At first… As soon as we got there, everyone was leaving the building… And yes, as the sun went down, we started to hear something…
LAFONTAINE:
Skittering?
LAURA:
Yeah, skittering in the stacks, you know? Just beyond your periphery. But we made it into the first subbasement just fine.
LAFONTAINE:
The online system was really helpful. It gave us a cross reference before I even started typing.
LAURA:
So we found most of the textbooks before, uh, between 19–
DANNY:
[overlapping] Before you realized the staircase wasn’t in the same place anymore?
LAURA:
Before we realized we might have gotten a little turned around. [looks at Danny, who’s glaring so hard this transcribe is getting second hand guilt] And that most of the computer monitors we could see were warning us to “run. Run now”. And the skittering was getting closer.
LAFONTAINE:
Which is when it became apparent that some of the books were, well, airborne. Aaaand that the card catalogue was attacking us. A copy of Absalom, Absalom! tried to slice open my left wrist. Ruined Faulkner for me.
LAURA:
So, we did what any normal person would do if they were caught in a flying vortex of modern literature and index cards from the 1970s.
LAFONTAINE:
We created a flamethrower using a lighter and some mace Laura’s dad gave her.
LAURA:
Which left us trapped in a flaming vortex.
LAFONTAINE:
Yeah…
DANNY:
I get a text that says: come quick. Stuck in library. Bring fire extinguisher.
LAURA:
Okay, yes, but it turned out fine. The sprinklers came on and we snuck out a basement window.
DANNY:
Oh, yeah, with god knows what on your heels…
LAURA:
Okay, yes! It was stupid, and we’re lucky that you didn’t have to save our souls. Now, can we please skip to the part where once every twenty years, like clockwork, this girl shows up at Silas. [pictures of Carmilla throughout time] Mircalla Karnstein. Arcillma Karnstein. Mircalla– Ugh, seriously, she just keeps switching around the letters in her name like nobody’s ever heard of an anagram. And every time she does, a bunch of girls go missing. Poof. Vanish. Never seen again. I mean, I know it sounds crazy, but she’s nocturnal. She’s so strong. She’s at least 80 years old and she drinks blood.
LAFONTAINE:
Well, yeah. We know she’s a vampire. I mean, we’ve known that since the blood in the milk container, right? [looks at Laura, Perry, and Danny in turn] Vampire, vampire, vampire, yeah?
[END OF EPISODE]
EPISODE 15: MY ROOMMATE, THE VAMPIRE
LAURA:
You all knew I was living with a vampire and nobody said anything?
LAFONTAINE:
You really didn’t know?
DANNY:
I didn’t know!
LAFONTAINE:
I thought you were just playing it cool, you know? Didn’t wanna seem all speciesist.
LAURA:
Speciesist?
PERRY:
She’s not a vampire. There’s no such thing as vampires. She’s a light averse octogenarian with extreme hemoglobin deficiency and really good skin. [off everyone’s “seriously” looks] I’m gonna go and make some more hot chocolate.
LAURA:
So, something is taking girls and the ones that have come back have gone full on Lucy from Dracula and you don’t think my roommate being a vampire is, I don’t know, pertinent information?
LAFONTAINE:
Well, when you put it that way…
LAURA:
And I’m next! She’s making with the creepy dreams and the charms…
LAFONTAINE:
And the seduction eyes…
DANNY:
Seduction eyes?
LAURA:
I am totally next! Quick, check my neck! Is there anything on my neck?!
DANNY:
Wait, seduction eyes?!
PERRY:
There’s nothing on your neck, Laura. You’re fine.
LAURA:
Oh my gosh. She’s a vampire. My roommate is an honest to Lestat vampire. How do we stop a vampire?
DANNY:
[reading off her phone] Staking, decapitation, immolation… Uh, there’s something here about driving an iron needle through her heart. You know, normally I’m not into this kind of stuff, but in the case of seduction eyes I could definitely warm up to the thought.
PERRY:
No! n-n-n-n-n-n-no! We can’t immolate everyone that Su– LaFontaine thinks is a supernatural creature.
LAFONTAINE:
Just the ones that are flammable.
PERRY:
Because only nutbars make plans to set people on fire without proof of anything. Does Salem ring a bell?
LAFONTAINE:
We have plenty of proof. Do you wanna put some soy milk into my cocoa? I’m feeling a little anaemic.
LAURA:
No, she’s right. Perry. Even if we can turn Carmilla into a vampire bonfire, we still wouldn’t be able to figure out what she’s done with Betty or the other missing girls. We don’t need her dead! Or, deader. We need her trapped. We need a way to get some answers.
DANNY:
Okay, so how do we trap a vampire?
LAFONTAINE:
Well, I have an idea [to Danny] but you’re not gonna like it.
DANNY:
What?
LAFONTAINE:
Well, we use something she wants to lure her into a rope net or a room full of garlic. We’ll have to figure out that second part.
DANNY:
Okay, so what do you… What do we use as bait in this case?
LAFONTAINE:
Well, uh, Laura.
[END OF EPISODE]
EPISODE 16: THE BEST LAID PLANS
Title note: I’m digging the Robert Burns/Steinbeck reference in this title. Best laid plans of mice and men often go awry, indeed.
DANNY:
Okay, explain to me again how offering yourself as bait is to your bloodsucking roommate is not the worst plan ever devised by womankind.
LAURA:
You think I’m excited about it? We have been following her for a week and we still have no idea how or where she is taking these girls. And LaFontaine’s plan is the only one that we’ve got.
DANNY:
Well, the fact that a terrible plan is our only plan is not really a selling point.
PERRY:
I’m sorry. Are we still really talking about all of this as though a vampire is really more likely than, I don’t know, just some guy putting something in girls’ drinks?
LAFONTAINE:
We don’t know she isn’t doing that too.
LAURA:
You guys know that I can hear you, right? Maybe instead of peanut gallery-ing you can help me figure out how we trap a vampire. [pulls out bag of bear spray] How do we feel about bear spray?
LAFONTAINE:
Probably not. Side note: you planning on invading a bear sanctuary?
LAURA:
My dad’s really into personal protection.
LAFONTAINE:
I can see that.
LAURA:
Ughhhh. This is not working. I don’t see how we’re gonna do this–
DANNY:
Good.
LAURA:
Without an army. And I don’t have an army in my back pocket, do you?
[Kirsch, Will, Natalie, and Sarah Jane at the doorway]
KIRSCH:
Hey Laura. Laura’s friends. Psycho society. We came to invite you to the Peace Augsburg luau that’s happening tomorrow night because peace was, after all, your idea. And hey, maybe we can talk a bit about the, uh, the pod people stuff? Because this isn’t pre-party [?] drinking anymore. She’s been like this all week. Which is cool, you know, but there’s only so much top 40 a guy can take.
LAURA:
Yeah, about that. If were to try and catch the person responsible for taking the girls, uh, would the Zetas want in on that?
WILL:
Do you think you know who’s behind it?
KIRSCH:
Oh, we totally want in. We’re honour-bound to pound that guy.
WILL:
Dude, pound that guy, really?
LAURA:
And how many of you are there, again?
[later]
LAURA:
I know. I’m betting most of you are about as psyched as Danny that I’ve enlisted the Zetas for help. They may be jerks, but when you’re about to become live vampire bait, suddenly, having an army full of mesomorphs on your side doesn’t sound so bad.
Which leads us to the even less savoury section of our plan. The part where I somehow, who knows how, lure Carmilla into our trap. What would Mina Harker do? Get bitten. Mina Harker would totally try and act all alluring the bloodsucking fiend and totally get bitten. Let’s not do that.
[Laura practicing acting all alluring to the bloodsucking fiend and then stabbing it montage: includes her reading Twilight]
TITLE CARD: “Later that night…”
LAURA:
[sitting up in bed] Black as the night and terrible… [puff of black smoke by the window] [Laura turns on the light, Carmilla now standing at the window] Uh! You’re here.
CARMILLA:
Been here a while. ‘Nother bad dream?
LAURA:
Yeah. What are you doing up?
CARMILLA:
Looking at the stars.
LAURA:
Oh.
CARMILLA:
It’s comforting… to think how small we are in comparison. All the lives we’ve led… the people we’ve been… Nothing to that light.
LAURA:
You are definitely a philosophy major.
CARMILLA:
Right now I think your subconscious is telling you to quit web journalism and finish your overdue lit paper.
LAURA:
What?
CARMILLA:
You were dreaming about your Kipling reading. “Black as the pit and terrible as the night was Bagheera”? I always loved that. It’s beautiful.
LAURA:
Or, you know, terrifying because giant black cat.
So. There’s this party tomorrow night that the Zetas are throwing and I was thinking, since we got off such to a rough start as roommates that we could go together? You know, maybe hang out for a while there. Look at the stars.
CARMILLA:
I think I might like that very much.
LAURA:
Okay! So, tomorrow then [goes back to bed].
CARMILLA:
Yeah… Tomorrow.
[END OF EPISODE]
EPISODE 17: IT’S A TRAP
LAURA:
Behold: vampire bait! Yeah. Danny took one look and said: you look like you’re about to flee your brooding lover across the moors. Which is accurate. The fluffy sleeves things, not the brooding lover thing. That’s not a thing.
So, the plan is to hit the luau, hang for a while, roast some marshmallows, lure Carmilla away so that Danny and the Zetas can grab her. Not end up digested in the process. Fingers crossed on that last part.
[Carmilla enters]
CARMILLA:
Don’t you look like a virgin sacrifice.
LAURA:
I’m not the one in a corset. Which… wow. Also, what is happening there [re: champagne that Carmilla’s carrying]?
CARMILLA:
Well, the more I thought about a bonfire with those lackwits, the less interested I was. Parties should be a shimmering moment of possibility, not a collection of brutes around a piece of flaming driftwood. So, I brought the party here.
LAURA:
The party being dancing in the hallway and ludicrously expensive champagne… Where did you even find that?
CARMILLA:
I have my methods. They served champagne at the first party I ever attended.
LAURA:
You say that like it was a hundred years ago…
CARMILLA:
Feels like more than that. Like something seen underwater from a great distance. God, I’m a nostalgic idiot tonight.
You’re not wearing your charm.
LAURA:
Oh! Yes! It just… didn’t go with my outfit.
CARMILLA:
Well, you shouldn’t’ve taken it off. It’s not gonna work if you’re not wearing it.
LAURA:
Oh. I’ll be sure to tie on my cool batwing bracelet first thing [laughs nervously].
CARMILLA:
If you didn’t like it, you could’ve just said something.
LAURA:
No! I-I totally liked it. It was really nice of you to think of me. [grabs phone, starts to text for help]
CARMILLA:
What are you doing?
LAURA:
Uh, just texting Danny and the girls, seeing if maybe they wanna join– [Carmilla snatches phones] Uh… hey.
CARMILLA:
Maybe I don’t feel like sharing you right now.
LAURA:
That’d sound more flattering if it didn’t make sound like a canapé.
CARMILLA:
[chuckles and pulls Laura’s chair over to her. Some of the tension goes out of Laura’s body] God, what am I doing? Hm. Naïve, provincial girl. Entirely too tightly wound. Such a cliché. I oughta know better.
LAURA:
Gee, thanks.
CARMILLA:
And yet there’s something about you.
LAURA:
Maybe it’s my keen fashion sense.
CARMILLA:
No, it’s definitely not that.
[Danny barges in, followed by Perry, LaFontaine, Kirsch, et al.]
DANNY:
You! Get away from her!
[tackles Carmilla onto Laura’s bed]
TITLE CARD: “30 feet of rope + 10 cloves of garlic + 1 mouth-sized strip of duct tape = ?…”
[Carmilla is tied to a chair, LaFontaine looks like they came out worse in a fight, Danny has a black eye, Perry is unharmed and tending to LaFontaine]
LAURA:
[to camera] Vampire captured! Even though I was unable to text for help, in an unbelievably lucky series of events, Danny got worried about my crazed plan and came to check on me. [to Danny] Thanks. How’s your eye?
DANNY:
It’s better now that you’re safe.
LAFONTAINE:
Also, I got my head smashed into a table, if anyone cares. And I’m pretty sure that Zeta guy Will has a fractured clavicle. I can’t believe he went back to the party.
LAURA:
Bumps and bruises and the dubious legality of holding someone hostage in their own room aside, I think this is cause for a little celebration. Guys, we did it! And now that her reign of terror and flirting is over, we’ll unpod SJ and Natalie, we’ll find Betty, and–
[screaming from somewhere off-camera]
What was that? We caught her fair and square! There is not allowed to be some new horrible thing.
[Kirsch barges in]
KIRSCH:
Laura! You gotta come quick. It’s SJ and Natalie! I think somebody’s trying to take them. I can’t find Natalie and I think SJ’s… I think she’s dead!
[END OF EPISODE]
EPISODE 18: WHILE YOU WEREN’T WATCHING
LAURA:
I don’t understand. We caught her. This shouldn’t be happening. Natalie shouldn’t be missing and Sarah Jane shouldn’t be…
[Danny and LaFontaine enter]
DANNY:
Well, you were right. These stupid cards were there in both their dorms.
LAFONTAINE:
And I took a bunch of samples. We’ll figure out what the sludge is.
DANNY:
It looks like the plan was to take both of them, so maybe what happened to Sarah Jane was an accident.
KIRSCH:
She fell.
LAURA:
What?
KIRSCH:
We were all watching the fire from the third floor balcony. And then… And she kept asking me to go to the party… And I kept telling her, babe, we’re at the party… And then… and then we noticed Natalie went missing, and- and everyone went to look for her. Except SJ, because well, I was worried about her, so I told her to stay put. And I locked the door and she should’ve been safe. And then we heard her scream, and then… they’ve must’ve tried to take her and she must’ve fallen. [to Carmilla] Hey, why’d you do that to her, huh? What did she ever do to you? [shakes Carmilla]
DANNY:
She wasn’t there, okay? She wasn’t there. [Kirsch hugs Danny]
KIRSCH:
Thanks so much, psycho. I’m gonna… You know, at times like these a dude needs to be with his bros.
[Kirsch leaves, Danny goes to close the door behind him]
LAURA:
[sighs] Oh my gosh. This is such a mess. What are we gonna do now?
[Carmilla coughs]
Oh, crap.
LAFONTAINE:
Yep. That is a dilemma.
LAURA:
This day just keeps getting better and better.
PERRY:
Well, don’t look at me. I didn’t want to kidnap anyone to begin with!
DANNY:
Well, we can’t just let her go! She still might be involved.
LAFONTAINE:
Also, and I’m just throwing this out there, but it took, like, eight people to subdue her and she seems kinda angry.
LAURA:
Right. Definitely not untying angry vampire.
PERRY:
You can’t just keep a hostage in your dorm room, Laura! I mean, I know this is Silas, but somebody is bound to notice if you keep a girl trussed up in here for god knows how long.
LAFONTAINE:
You really think that, huh?
I could take her to the bio lab. I’m sure there’s all sorts of things we could figure out through some minimally invasive probing. [off Perry and Laura’s “????” looks] Or a voluntary questionnaire.
DANNY:
We could take her to the summer society department. There’s a storage room in the back…
LAURA:
No! She’s our only lead. She stays exactly where she is until she tells us what’s going on and how she’s involved. If we get caught, you guys can just blame me. Worst thing they can do is expel me, and by comparison, that’s not seeming too dire.
LAFONTAINE:
It’ll seem dire once they start your tribunal.
LAURA:
My what now?
PERRY:
You really need to read your student handbook.
LAURA:
Okay, no. Focus.
[everyone huddles around Laura. Perry covers Carmilla’s ears]
If we’re gonna break her, we need to girl the hell up. United front. No mercy. Am I right? [looks at each redhead] Okay.
Alright, vampire. We know that you’ve been stalking those girls and we know that… you’re a vampire! So the sooner you ‘fess up and tell us what’s going on, the better this is gonna go for you because we have got a… spatula and a stapler and we are not afraid to use them, so you better start singin’!
LAFONTAINE:
Uh, Laura… She’s still got the… [gestures to mouth]
LAURA:
Oh, right. Uh, maybe this will get you talking. [rips tape off of Carmilla’s mouth]
Ooh. So, spill. How do two more girls end up kidnapped and murdered when we’ve got you tied up here?
CARMILLA:
Because I didn’t do it, you dimwits.
EPISODE 19: ADVANCED INTERROGATION TECHNIQUES
LAURA:
You cannot seriously think that we’re dumb enough to believe you’re innocent just because you say so.
CARMILLA:
Yeah, ‘cause that seems like a stretch. Look, if I were really a vampire, would I just stay here, tied up, proclaiming my innocence as some sort of trick?
LAURA:
Yeah. That’s completely, exactly what a vampire would do. We have, like, forty hours of video documentation. Bet you wished you’d watched my project now, huh?
CARMILLA:
Fine. So I’m a vampire. But I couldn’t have made off with either of the two cupcakes because I was here with you, and then I was here being ambushed by toddlers the whole time.
LAURA:
Well, maybe you have some kind of… vampiric accomplice!
CARMILLA:
Do I strike you as the type of person who plays well with others?
LAURA:
Well, if you weren’t snacking on coeds, what were you doing following them around at parties?
CARMILLA:
I’m a popular girl. I get a lot of invitations. Not everybody has to resort to bush league* investigative journalism to get their kicks.
LAURA:
You’re a vampire!
CARMILLA:
Yeah, but not a kidnapper!
LAFONTAINE:
She’s got us there. Assuming she’s up to something diabolical just because she’s–
LAURA:
An undead fiend from the pits of hell?
CARMILLA:
I’m from Eastern Europe. Potato, potahto.
[knocking at the door, Perry and LaFontaine run to answer it]
PERRY:
Oh, hey! Yeah, we’re actually good for beer shots right now. But thanks for thinking of us. What? Uh, no. We’re rehearsing a skit. Uh, yeah, the torture scene from Arsenic and Old Lace. Mhmm. Yeah, there’s a torture scene. Want more info? Buy tickets. [closes door]
Okay. As much as I appreciate that we have this whole hysterical vampire thing going on, I think it’s time that we just deescalate…
LAURA:
Deescalate? She just admitted to being a vampire.
PERRY:
I know. And that’s insane. So, maybe she’s just insane and instead of holding her here hostage we should take her to student health services. I hear they have a great collection of straight jackets and tranquilizers. [off everybody’s “WTF” looks] Well, what other option do we have? Keeping her here tied up, watching her every second? Starving her until she confesses?
[Danny and Laura exchange looks]
[later]
LAURA:
Good morning, viewers! And welcome to day nine of operation stupid, obstinate vampire roommate won’t talk. Which is all she has to do and we will totally give her this nice, yummy blood to drink. Ugh, I swear.
[knocking, Laura runs to answer the door]
LAURA:
Uh, hey. No, no, Carmilla’s not here right now. Uh, she had tickets to some angry, existentialist punk rock fight club thing… You know how she is…
[Carmilla having a seizure in the chair she’s tied to]
Yeah, I’m sure she’s totally gonna text you when she gets back. Okay. Bye. [closes door] I swear, if one more of your broken hearted study buddies comes knocking at the door I’m gonna start spritzing them like… cats. Carmilla! No! No, no, no! Please don’t die, please don’t die you stupid vampire! Here, look, I’ve got blood. Ah!
[Carmilla stops having a seizure, makes vague not (more) dead sounds]
LAURA:
Oh, thank god.
CARMILLA:
Damnit.
LAURA:
Do you want some more?
CARMILLA:
Fine.
[Laura holds the mug of blood up so Carmilla can drink]
Where’d you get that?
LAURA:
Uh, we figured we might need some leverage so LaFontaine got it from the campus hospital. She told them it was for an experiment about hematophagy.
Uh, you’ve got a little something right…
[she goes to wipe Carmilla’s face, Carmilla pulls away]
LAURA:
What?
CARMILLA:
The experience of being held captive by a clutch of imbeciles for something I didn’t even have the pleasure of doing is humiliating enough without having you wipe me up like a dribbling child.
LAURA:
Look, if you really want me to believe that you didn’t do it, you have got to explain what you were doing at those parties. ‘Cause the night that we caught you, it sure looked like you were about to eat me.
CARMILLA:
Wait, you thought that me trying to eat you?
LAURA:
Well, if you weren’t trying to eat, then what were you trying to– oh. Oh. So when you were hitting on me, you were really hitting on me?
CARMILLA:
Yes. And you were luring me into a trap. Could you just stake me now? ‘Cause I think that would be less mortifying than this conversation.
LAURA:
Wow. That is… Okay, even if I was to believe you, that still wouldn’t explain what you were doing at the parties and how you know all of the missing girls. If you want us to trust you, you have gotta tell us your side of the story.
CARMILLA:
My side of the story? Alright, then. Buckle up, creampuff. We’re gonna be in for a long night. Or, you know, Wednesday afternoon.
[END OF EPISODE]
EPISODE 20: SOCK PUPPETS AND EUROPEAN HISTORY
CARMILLA:
This need of yours to document everything borders the pathological.
LAURA:
Think of it as being for posterity.
CARMILLA:
Posterity doesn’t care. I should know. I live in it.
LAURA:
Alright, well, this is your chance! Tell us your story. Convince me and the folks at home that you didn’t guzzle Betty like a slurpee.
CARMILLA:
I was born Mircalla, daughter of the Count Karnstein in Styria, a duchy of Austria in 1680. Austria was embroiled in the great war against the Ottoman Empire, but such things meant little to a wealthy girl. When I was eighteen, I attended a ball where I was murdered…
LAURA:
Murdered? Whoa, you can’t tell it like that, like some boring history lesson! This is dangerous! This is exciting! This is flashback material! I know exactly what we need.
[enter sock puppets and apparently pre-constructed sock puppet stage]
CARMILLA:
You don’t think perhaps this makes light of my tragic backstory?
LAURA:
Oh, get over yourself. Come on. Okay, so you were murdered at a ball…
SOCK PUPPET CARMILLA:
Lalalala, oh, how I love dancing! Oh, how I love balls!
SOCK PUPPET VAMPIRE:
Oh, how I love to eat you! Hom nom nom nom nom. Muahahaha.
SOCK PUPPET CARMILLA:
Oh, oh! I die, I die! Cruel fate but to blast the blossom of my youth! [dies]
LAURA:
Okay, what happened next?
CARMILLA:
Mother raised me.
LAURA:
Mother?
CARMILLA:
Not my birth mother, but the mother I knew after death. I knew nothing of her, except that she was very old and very wise and had pried apart the jaws of death to enact my rescue.
SOCK PUPPET MOTHER:
Arise, arise! Oh, get up, you lazy thing.
SOCK PUPPET CARMILLA:
Now I’m a creature of the night. I can sleep until noon every day! Yeah!
CARMILLA:
The wide world… It opened before me in death as it had never been in life. We danced in the mirrored halls of Versailles. We watched the stars whirl over seas no man had named. We saw the birth of a new world in science and philosophy and revolution. Every night was a grand ball… a hunt… a feast. [music] But, every twenty years we would return here and perform a strange ritual. [music stops abruptly]
Mother would arrange for me to, uh, meet a young girl. I’d be abandoned at a ball or there’d be a carriage wreck and some kind stranger and his ward, like a niece or a daughter would be gallant enough to take me in. Pretty soon, she and I would become fast friends. Inseparable. But of course, my new friend would fall ill. I think you recognize the symptoms. Strange behaviour. Weakness of the mind. And before long it would be time for me to rejoin my mother in search of my next friend.
SOCK PUPPET CARMILLA:
Uh, yo, liquid diet? You aren’t exactly making a case for us not being a kidnapper here.
CARMILLA:
I-I was never an abductor. I was a lure. And that’s how I met Ell. It was 1872, and the Metropolitan Museum of Art had just opened in New York and I wanted more than anything to sail to see it. But Maman insisted.
The game started off the same. Carriage wreck, promise of shelter, fast friendship… Only this time, nothing was a lie.
SOCK PUPPET CARMILLA:
I heart you so much!
SOCK PUPPET ELL:
No, I heart you so much!
CARMILLA:
And when the time came to take Ell to my mother, I couldn’t bear to give her up. So I planned our escape and went ahead to make preparations.
SOCK PUPPET CARMILLA:
Come away with me, and the world shall turn only for us!
CARMILLA:
But, um, when the time came for Ell to meet me, disaster struck. I had… taken great lengths to hide what I was from her. But Maman went to her in secret and revealed my true nature in the most horrifying light. Ell believed me to be a monster, and led Maman to where I waited. And so, my price for the disobedience was to watch Ell be taken away to some certain doom and to be sealed in a coffin of blood so that I may waste away my long centuries in the dark.
For decades, I rotted under the earth. And then the war came. The last great war of the modern world. That ran the earth with tanks and mines and bombs. So, my punishment came to an end and I walked off the battlefield in Austria to greet the 20th century.
Maman found me in Paris in the 1950s and didn’t have the heart to reinter me. I was of more use here, where the details had changed, but the game had not. I was to meet girls and make friends and see to it that the blossoms were ready to be plucked when Maman decided.
LAURA:
So you went right back to abducting girls.
CARMILLA:
No, I pretended to go along. I had no choice. But I ruined opportunities where I could. I sent girls fleeing back to the safety of mothers and fathers and fallback schools. There can be… great satisfaction in small revenges. And I never knew what use Maman had for the girls. It was always a secret she had kept from me, but I could afford to bide my time so I watched and I waited… until I learned what I had truly been a part of all along. What I had betrayed Ell to before she had betrayed me.
All too tragic for sock puppets.
LAURA:
So you’ve been helping girls escape.
CARMILLA:
When I can.
LAURA:
Did you help Betty?
CARMILLA:
No.
LAURA:
So someone that she knew, someone that she thought was her friend was really a vampire. And they took her for your mother.
CARMILLA:
Yes.
LAURA:
Okay. So. We find your mother and we get our friends back. [Carmilla chuckles] What’s so funny? We caught you.
CARMILLA:
Yeah. And, as humiliating as that was, it doesn’t change the fact that my mother will scoop out your eyeballs and serve them in martinis. You’re already terrified of her.
LAURA:
Already? What do you mean “already”? I’ve never met your mom.
CARMILLA:
Yeah. Of course you have. She’s the dean.
[END OF EPISODE]
EPISODE 21: STRATEGIC PLANNING
LAURA:
So, in light of last night’s many revelations we are gathering to debate the benefits of releasing our vampire hostage, right?
DANNY:
Oh my god, Laura. I don’t care how soppy her tale of long lost love is. She just confessed to centuries of tricking girls into being her friend before she ate them.
LAURA:
Ugh, fine. But if her mother really is the dean then don’t we need all the help that we can get?
DANNY:
It’s not help if we can’t trust a word she says!
LAFONTAINE:
Sorry, L, not on board with untying someone who may eat me.
LAURA:
Perry? You didn’t even wanna trap her in the first place!
PERRY:
Have you been listening to what she’s been saying? We kidnapped the dean’s daughter. We can’t just let her go now. Sorry, Carmilla.
CARMILLA:
Oh, don’t worry about me. If you guys wanna go after my mother, I’m fine here. [addressing LaFontaine’s laptop] “Vampires don’t cry?” That’s almost as bad as that sparkly twerp… [Twilight reference]
DANNY:
(sarcastically) Yep. Clearly we’re lost without her.
LAURA:
Fine. But what are we gonna do about the dean?
[later]
CARMILLA:
[to the laptop] You’re a vampire, numb nuts! Eat her! Pop culture has so much to answer for…
[Will enters]
WILL:
Well… This is pathetic. Well, they sent me to see if you’d dealt with your roommate problem yet and I see that the answer is no.
CARMILLA:
That’s some big talk, fresh meat.
WILL:
This fresh meat took you down, Kitty.
CARMILLA:
I remember. How’s that collarbone feeling?
WILL:
Aaah, lucky shot.
CARMILLA:
Hm. Untie me and we’ll find out. That is what you’re here for, isn’t it?
WILL:
Yes [cuts Carmilla loose]. Mother says it’s time to stop screwing around. No more stalling. We’re gonna grab your prissy little roomie and we’re gonna—
LAURA:
(waking up) Carm, can you please turn down the television? [turns on light] This is not good! Will, you need to run right now!
WILL:
Oh my god, really? Why?
LAURA:
Because… I know that we didn’t really talk about this when you were helping us catch her but… she’s a vampire!
WILL:
[laughs] I know. She’s kinda not the only one.
LAURA:
Cool. Okay. Cool. So, with that information, I’m just gonna go… [turns to leave, but Will blocks her path]
WILL:
I’m really gonna enjoy this.
[Laura hits Will in the throat and runs into the bathroom]
Okay, ow. What the hell was that?
LAURA (“O.S.”):
Uh, my father is a raging paranoid! You think he sends me day of the week bear spray but didn’t sign me up for krav maga at age eight?
WILL:
Cute. Not gonna save you.
[he kicks down the door, there’s the sounds of a struggle. Will reemerges from the bathroom with Laura, whose arms are pinned]
See? This is why I miss the 1930s. You know, sure, you get the occasional gal who signs up for the ARTC, but you don’t get any of this chop saki crap.
CARMILLA:
(sarcastically) Yeah, victims who fight back are so inconvenient.
WILL:
Haha, laugh it up, Kitty. I’m sure mother’s gonna find it hilarious I had to cut you loose and finish your chores for you.
CARMILLA:
You… you are such a mama’s boy.
WILL:
I think I’ll just have a little snack now.
CARMILLA:
We don’t kill the targets. [Will laughs] And I bet you’re already in deep for losing the airhead.
WILL:
Well, it was an accident. I mean, how was I supposed to know that they were gonna lock her in an upstairs bedroom with a window wide open…
CARMILLA:
And now you wanna be the guy who lost two of them?
WILL:
It’d be worth it just to screw with you.
[Carmilla punches Will in the face, he lets go of Laura who jumps behind Carmilla]
You’re gonna regret that, Kitty.
[he leaves]
LAURA:
Thank you for not letting him eat me. Which was especially nice of you—
[Carmilla pins her to the bed and bites her. Laura shrieks. Carmilla runs after Will]
Uh! Oh my god oh my god oh my god.
[END OF EPISODE]
EPISODE 22: AFTERBITE
LAURA:
Oh my god oh my god oh my god! Mph! Okay. Okay. Not dead. Not dead. Oh my god, my dad is gonna kill me.
[Carmilla comes back in, starts throwing things into a bag]
Okay, seriously?!
CARMILLA:
What?
LAURA:
Uh… This! [indicates neck wound]
CARMILLA:
You’re not dead.
LAURA:
That’s it? You just use me as a human juice box and I don’t even get an explanation?
CARMILLA:
Ugh! I’m a vampire and I’m pissed off. What were you expecting? I needed the strength to catch Willy Boy before he ran off to Mother and ratted me out.
LAURA:
So, did you?
CARMILLA:
(sarcastically) Yeah, I’m preparing to flee the scene because everything went to spec. The little weasel got away. It’s only a matter of time before Mother comes after me.
LAURA:
So you’re just gonna run?
CARMILLA:
Have you been listening to a word I’ve said about my mother? Yeah!
LAURA:
And as soon as you leave they’re just gonna come for me.
CARMILLA:
Well, you know what? You never had much of a chance anyway. Sorry, cutie. Nothing personal.
LAURA:
But it is! It’s totally personal. Will was gonna kill me just to piss you off so you decked him. It’s his word against yours that you’re being all disobedient. Running, though? That’ll make you look guilty for sure.
CARMILLA:
So, coincidentally, my best chance is to stay here and figure out a way to justify protecting you?
LAURA:
Funny the way things work out, huh?
CARMILLA:
Fine. But only because I have nothing resembling a better plan. And don’t think that I’m not pissed off. I haven’t forgotten about the past two weeks.
LAURA:
You have been lying to me since the moment that we met. And you just bit me. I’m pissed too.
CARMILLA:
Fine. I’m gonna take a shower. I smell like the basement of an abattoir.
LAURA:
Terrific! See if you can scrape all of your hair out of the shower drain while you’re at it.
CARMILLA:
Fine!
LAURA:
Fine!
[Carmilla goes into the bathroom] [Laura looks at the bite]
Ohh. Holy crap. So a pack of vampires wants to kidnap me for reasons unknown and the only thing maybe stopping them is my quite possibly not as evil as they are roommate. Who just bit me. So that’s not complicated. Also, I have a Lit midterm in five hours. Ugh.
[END OF EPISODE]
EPISODE 23: WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT CARMILLA
LAURA:
So I’m pretty sure I just failed my first test ever in my life. And yes, I know that college isn’t as easy as high school and my attention has probably been wandering due to living with a vampire, but still. I just feel dirty.
[Carmilla enters]
CARMILLA:
Ugh. What are you whining about now?
LAURA:
Nothing. [pause] I think I failed my Lit midterm.
CARMILLA:
Big deal. Aren’t you practically dating your TA?
LAURA:
You mean ask Danny to… No, I couldn’t do that. An “A” is a sacred trust.
CARMILLA:
Fine. But if I was your TA you wouldn’t even have to ask.
LAURA:
That’s unethical. Considerate, but unethical.
CARMILLA:
Ethics are a ridiculous game played by children who think they can impose order on an arbitrary universe.
LAURA:
Yeah, but what can you do but try?
CARMILLA:
Well, if you were smart you’d take any advantage you can get. Speaking of which, where’s that bracelet I gave you? [Laura gets the bracelet from under Carmilla’s mattress] Okay.
LAURA:
So what does it do, exactly?
CARMILLA:
It makes you feel off to vampires. Like you’re leaking radiation. Like if I touched you, I might feel off.
LAURA:
Oh. Well, that’s good. That’s probably good.
CARMILLA:
Well, it might persuade them to move on to someone else.
LAURA:
Speaking of which, have you heard anything from the dean yet?
CARMILLA:
Radio silence. But the fact that we’re both not messily dead bodes well.
[LaFontaine and Perry enter]
LAFONTAINE:
And I say, “seriously, Nick? If you can’t even remember to keep the cage locked…”
CARMILLA:
Um, at what point in the last century did people give up on knocking?
LAFONTAINE:
Laura, the vampire’s loose. Why is the vampire loose?
PERRY:
I’ll get help!
LAURA:
No, Perry! [Perry is gone] Ahh!
LAFONTAINE:
Why would you let her go?!
LAURA:
I didn’t! It was beyond my control! But she really is on our side.
LAFONTAINE:
How do I know she hasn’t pod person-ed you? That you’re not just spouting the vampire company line?
CARMILLA:
It doesn’t work that way.
LAFONTAINE:
Yeah, completely plausible coming from you.
LAURA:
Do you want proof? [to Carmilla] You are literally the worst roommate ever. You have been untied all of eight hours and there is already sludge in every surface of the bathroom. And you just stole my pillow! [to LaFontaine] Good enough?
LAFONTAINE:
For now. [to Carmilla] You said that’s not how it works, so how does it work? What happens to the girls you take?
CARMILLA:
I don’t know. But whatever happens to them happens after I take them to my mother.
LAFONTAINE:
Wait, you’ve been taking girls for how many hundreds of years and you don’t even know what happens to them?
CARMILLA:
(sarcastically) Um, gee Mom, feel like telling me the secrets of your antediluvian vampire cult today? Oh, what’s that? No? Okay. And you’ll use my head as a doorstop if I continue asking questions. [pause] Whatever happens to them, it makes their blood undrinkable.
LAFONTAINE:
If it’s changing their blood chemistry, maybe it’s physically affecting their brains as well. We really need to find out what that goo we’ve been finding in the rooms is.
LAURA:
See, look? You’re helping already. Now we just have to get Betty and the other girls back.
CARMILLA:
Have I been stuttering when I’ve been talking about my mother? There’s no getting them back. There’s just staying out of my mother’s way.
LAURA:
You’ve been saving girls!
CARMILLA:
No, I’ve just been screwing with mummy dearest’s minions to annoy her!
LAURA:
So, after everything that she’s done to you– to Ell– your big revenge is to be annoying. Aren’t you some centuries old badass?
CARMILLA:
Yeah, and you know how you get to be centuries old? You pick your battles. My mother is an ancient supernatural being with the personal cabal of the undead. You are an annoying teenager whose only real skill is being nosy.
LAURA:
But you’re not! You’re some super fast super strong vampire!
CARMILLA:
Yeah, and you’ve got a better chance of taking me down than I’ve ever had against my mother. You feel like taking a shot?
[Perry runs back in with Danny]
PERRY:
See? She’s loose. I told you she was loose!
DANNY:
[holding up a stake] You. Me. Right now.
[END OF EPISODE]
EPISODE 24: BREAKING UP (WITH AN AMAZON) IS HARD TO DO
[Carmilla smacks the stake out of Danny’s hand and grabs her by the neck]
DANNY:
(choked, struggling to breathe) I won’t let you hurt her.
CARMILLA:
Not to ruin your big heroic entrance, Xena, but she’s not the one in trouble.
DANNY:
If you think that I can’t get up– [Carmilla snaps her head back]
CARMILLA:
I have been doing my very best to be patient about the ambush and the hostage taking and the starvation diet but I am having difficulty remembering why it is I haven’t torn out your spine.
LAURA:
No, don’t! Please don’t! Carmilla! Look, Danny’s sorry and she’s not gonna try and kill you again, right? Danny? Look, she’s nodding. That’s a nod. [Carmilla lets go, Danny gasps for air]
[to Danny] Are you okay?
DANNY:
I’m fine. I was just… I was scared for you.
LAURA:
I know, but look! I’ve got everything under control.
DANNY:
Under control? Laura, you think this is under control? In the past two weeks, you’ve broken into the faculty club, you have almost gotten killed at the library, you have offered yourself up as vampire bait and now she’s loose and you have a bite on your neck!
LAURA:
Okay, there are perfectly reasonable– [looks at camera] reasons for all of that!
DANNY:
Oh, could you stop playing to the cheap seats for all of five seconds?!
PERRY:
Okay, so this is none of our business so we’re just gonna go. Um, Carmilla?
CARMILLA:
Oh, no. I’m good.
LAURA:
The filming that I do… it is part of something important.
DANNY:
And I’m not saying it’s not. It’s just… you have to call me before you’re–
LAURA:
Have to call you? Because it’s, like, your job to keep me safe?!
DANNY:
Yes!
LAURA:
What?
DANNY:
I care about you! Of course it’s my job to keep you safe.
LAURA:
Well, I’m sorry that my making my own decisions and being reckless is making it hard for you to do your job.
DANNY:
I didn’t mean it like that!
LAURA:
[overlapping] Yes, you did! You meant that Laura’s too dumb to know what she can and can’t handle and needs to be protected by the big strong grownups. That’s all anyone ever wants to say to me. My dad, the Zetas, you. [looks at Carmilla] Everyone.
DANNY:
Laura–
LAURA:
I like you. I really do. I like that you’re brave and strong and all kinds of righteous but I don’t need a dad. I’ve already got that one covered.
DANNY:
[to Carmilla] Is this because of you and your–
LAURA:
No, no! It’s just me and you need different things, y’know?
DANNY:
Okay, fine. I’ll- I’ll back off.
[to Carmilla] Hey, dead girl. If anything happens to her, I’m coming back here with that stake, got it?
CARMILLA:
I’ll hold my breath.
DANNY:
[to Laura] And just… be careful, okay? [Laura nods] So… I guess I’ll see you in class.
LAURA:
Yeah, about that… I–
DANNY:
What?
LAURA:
Nothing; it’s not important. Just a dumb question about my midterm.
[Danny leaves]
CARMILLA:
Smooth, sundance. Smooth.
LAURA:
You suck.
CARMILLA:
Hm.
[whirring, growing sounds from outside. Laura and Carmilla run to the window to look]
LAURA:
Are those giant mushrooms?
CARMILLA:
God, I hate this place.
[END OF EPISODE]
EPISODE 25: BASIC PARASITOLOGY
LAURA:
So, it was kind of a long night last night. Seems the alchemy lost control of this giant underground fungus.
CARMILLA:
Idiots.
LAURA:
And these huge mushrooms popped up and started shooting spores at people and anyone who inhaled them kinda started lurching around like a zombie.
CARMILLA:
Actually, that part was pretty funny.
LAURA:
Right ‘til the moment they tried to burn down the Lustig theatre building.
CARMILLA:
Yeah, that’s still pretty funny.
LAURA:
And tried to attack anybody who stopped them…
CARMILLA:
Yeah, that’s still like a– Mm, mm. Okay.
LAURA:
[cutting her off] Okay, you can stop pretending to be all callous and indifferent. They saw you save me.
CARMILLA:
I was just saving myself from the spores.
LAURA:
Sure you were. Anyway, those of us who, for whatever reason, didn’t get a face full of mushroom dust spent the evening hacking apart six foot toadstools and rolling barrels of fungicide into any building within a half mile of the Lustig, which, side note: what is it with people trying to burn that place down? Didn’t they already torch it back in 1904?
CARMILLA:
Well, nobody likes theatre students.
[Perry and LaFontaine enter]
PERRY:
…some crazy cooking club park. My hair still smells like burning portobellos.
LAURA:
Hey, Perry, I don’t think that those were…
LAFONTAINE:
Don’t bother. She’s trying to convince herself Day of the Triffids out there has something to do with the caf greenhouse getting out of control.
PERRY:
Well, that is not beyond the realm of… [sighs] Giant mushrooms?
LAFONTAINE:
Did you see Danny out there? I mean, good thing she’s on our side ‘cause that was violent.
LAURA:
Yeah. I don’t think she’s taking our… thing from yesterday very well.
LAFONTAINE:
Yeah, I’d steer clear of her for a little while. Especially if she’s armed.
CARMILLA:
Um, not to be inhospitable, but why the hell are you two here?
LAFONTAINE:
The test results came back for the fluid we found in Sarah Jane and Natalie’s rooms.
LAURA:
And?
PERRY:
But maybe some kind of, um, cyclical, natural thing. Like a-a jellyfish…
LAFONTAINE:
So it was cerebral spinal fluid.
LAURA:
Is that what I think it is?
LAFONTAINE:
It’s the fluid in your brain sack.
LAURA:
So I stuck my hand in a puddle of Betty’s brain fluid. Ughhh.
LAFONTAINE:
Oh, it gets better than that.
LAURA:
Ugh.
CARMILLA:
And what exactly is your idea of better?
LAFONTAINE:
I looked at it through our electron microscope and [goes to computer] I found these.
LAURA:
Holy crapsticks. What are those?
LAFONTAINE:
I think it’s some kind of parasite. [everyone turns and looks at Carmilla]
CARMILLA:
Don’t look at me. I don’t know anything about parasites. Uh, I’m a vampire. Not a guinea worm.
LAURA:
Okay, but this could be what makes Betty and the other girls started [sic] acting so crazy! I mean, parasites do that, right? Like the thing in the amazon that makes ants climb up trees before it kills them.
LAFONTAINE:
Exactly. Or that protozoa that makes you like cats. [to Carmilla] Is there something you make them drink or something injected or inhaled?
CARMILLA:
No! Whatever’s happening to them happens after my mother takes them.
LAFONTAINE:
Think carefully. There has to be something.
CARMILLA:
Yeah, sure. [leaving] Okay, let’s just dissect my deeply painful past in excruciating details.
[Carmilla leaves]
LAFONTAINE:
I don’t wanna make her uncomfortable but… first hand witness, hello?
LAURA:
I know, it’s just… She kinda lost someone a while ago and I think talking about it makes her sad or guilty or… And those are things that a human might feel so she’s probably gonna go scour herself, lie, or eat somebody. You don’t think she’d eat somebody?
LAFONTAINE:
Uh, yeah, crushes-on-vampires.
LAURA:
I don’t… I just… I feel sorry for her is all. The way that her mom treats her it’s no wonder she has baggage.
LAFONTAINE:
Well, I wanna figure this out before her baggage crushes us. [Laura sighs] So, minion vamps take girls. They infect them with the brain parasites, hence pod people. Then they kidnap them again. Why?
LAURA:
What if they don’t?
LAFONTAINE:
What?
LAURA:
Parasites have life cycles, right? So, what if the girls disappearing a second time isn’t the vampires at all? What if it’s, like, the next stage of the parasite? What if it’s something that we’ve never even seen before at all?
PERRY:
No. No. N-n-n-n-n-n-n-no. That is… These are not things that happen. Vampires and evil, weird brain parasites, and giant mushrooms? No. We’re supposed to have a movie night and a-a formal dance at the end of term. And you’ll come to me with boy problems or… girl problems or… menstrual problems but not all of this evil, weird conspiracy. No. This, mm, this needs to stop happening. I demand this stops happening. Just… be normal. Just… BE NORMAL!
[END OF EPISODE]
EPISODE 26: THE STANDARD ISSUE
LAFONTAINE:
Gee, Perr. Tell us how you really feel.
PERRY:
Look, I get that this is all fake fun for you, Susan, but you can’t just expect everyone to go along with all this insanity.
LAFONTAINE:
Like it or not, Perr, weird is the way it is.
PERRY:
That doesn’t mean you need to fling yourself into every weird situation you can find headfirst. Like this nonsense where you won’t even let me call you Susan anymore.
LAFONTAINE:
I don’t wanna be Susan anymore.
PERRY:
Well, that’s too bad because she was my friend. I don’t even know who you are anymore.
[Perry leaves]
LAURA:
Are you okay?
LAFONTAINE:
Peachy. My best friend since I was five thinks I’m some sort of freak. [breathes deeply] I’d like to find something to experiment on now.
LAURA:
Yeah, or maybe just for tonight we stuff our faces with popcorn and watch bad scifi. Because I have been marked for death by a vampire cabal and you… are fighting with your best friend.
LAFONTAINE:
[nods] Yeah. That’d be good.
[later; Laura and LaFontaine are asleep on each other]
[Carmilla enters]
LAURA:
Mm… No, I can’t… [jerking violently]
LAFONTAINE:
What the hell?
CARMILLA:
Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Laura, Laura, Laura, Laura. Laura! Laura, you’re dreaming. It was just a dream. Hey…
LAURA:
[breathing heavily] Blood… There was blood everywhere again. Filled the room until it was an ocean and… and above it this light. Nothing should shine like that. Like… the rotted heart of the world.
LAFONTAINE:
So that’s not creepy. Do you think these are still the dreams that mean she’s been chosen?
CARMILLA:
She shouldn’t be having these dreams anymore. The charm should have chased the vampires away.
LAURA:
I-I don’t think it’s a vampire. It’s the girl. The girl in the nightdress.
CARMILLA:
You saw her?
LAURA:
I think so. She was… in the room as the blood rose. She didn’t even try and swim. Why didn’t she try and swim?
CARMILLA:
Did she say anything?
LAURA:
No. Maybe. Maybe not to go into the light ‘cause… the light is hungry.
LAFONTAINE:
Awesome. I didn’t need to sleep again ever.
CARMILLA:
That’s everything she said?
LAURA:
Yeah. I’m sorry.
You asked about her before. It’s her, isn’t it? It’s Ell.
CARMILLA:
I don’t know. I’ve never seen her. The girls we take talk about her sometimes. Little girl with a mole right here [indicates to just under her right eye]? But she’s never tried to say anything to me.
LAFONTAINE:
Who are we talking about now?
LAURA:
Her ex. Kind of. She got taken a long time ago. Maybe she can’t get to you. Maybe it’s, like, a non-vampire thing.
CARMILLA:
Sure.
LAFONTAINE:
“The light is hungry.” Not to get all fascinated by weird things, but maybe it’s clue. Maybe it has something to do with the second stage of the parasite.
LAURA:
Could be. But how are we going to cross reference some ancient evil light with weird parasitic brain worms in… Oh no.
[later]
CARMILLA:
How did you idiots ever trap me?
LAURA:
Just in case we… don’t come back, we are recording this message.
LAFONTAINE:
We’ve determined that a research trip which some of you may not approve of is a necessity.
LAURA:
And since the subbasement where the archives are held only exists after dark, a day trip was out of the question. So, if you’re watching this, Danny, Perry…
LAFONTAINE:
Oh, hell no. We are not apologizing to them. We are ready for the weird. We thrive on it. We tape our flamethrowers to our pulse rifles and we make the weird submit. We’re goin’ to the library.
[Carmilla and Laura exchange looks; Carmilla snorts]
[END OF EPISODE]
EPISODE 27: REQUIRED READING
LAURA:
So we survived the research trip! Which we should probably never speak of again. And here is our haul! One gnarly Sumerian book from before time began and..
LAFONTAINE:
The rescued digital consciousness of one JP Armitage, junior records clerk and Silas student, class of 1874. [they plug a USB into the computer] Say hi to the Internet, JP.
[Note: JP does not have a speaking role. All of his lines are typed and appear on the screen.]
JP:
Hello, Internet! Splendid to meet you.
LAURA:
Because somebody really did get absorbed into the library catalogue. Although, how he got sucked in, like, a hundred years before the catalogue was digitized…
JP:
Well, you see I was minding my own business one day way way back in 1874. The Autumn [sic] leaves were just turning their auburns and reds and golds when–
LAFONTAINE:
We really need to find you a better interface.
JP:
–you’re right… it’s kind of a long story…
LAFONTAINE:
Anyway, turns out JP has helped us before. Remember the truly stellar search results and timely warnings for us to flee from our last trip to the library? All courtesy of JP.
JP:
Glad I could be of service!
LAURA:
According to JP, there was a rash of disappearances in 1874 as well. And although he didn’t have an electron microscope to suss out the brain parasites, he did get way further along than we did with his research into the luce esurientem [sic; that Latin grammar is not right] or the hungry light and the cult of vampires serving it, AKA the dean’s special council. It even found reference to this special Sumerian tome that’s, uh, supposed to have a section on it. Which is what he was searching for in the subbasement when he got… absorbed.
CARMILLA:
Well, wonder librarian better have more than just hungry and eats girls because that pretty much describes everything in this book.
LAURA:
No, but there’s gotta be something…
CARMILLA:
No. Mm, no. Yuggoth, raised with twelve virgins, burned at the stake… Um… Khalos [?], sprinkled with the blood of… virgins. Smeared on the roots of the sacrificial tree… Niar Logoth [?]* prefers the livers of virgins. Force fed nothing but red wine for 96 days…
LAURA:
Eugh.
CARMILLA:
Thirteen-year-old boys have so much more subtlety.
LAFONTAINE:
Yeah, that’s the problem with horrors from beyond the dawn of time. Their lack of subtlety. Though it is pretty cool that you can read Sumerian.
CARMILLA:
Eh, 1871 was a dull year. I decided to read Gilgamesh.
[knock at the door. It’s Perry]
PERRY:
Oh, good. You’re all still here. Um, because I saw Laura’s last video about going to the library and I thought I’d just… check to make sure you weren’t dead. And you’re not. So, that’s fine.
[Perry leaves]
LAURA:
[to LaFontaine] She’ll come around. You’ll see. ‘Cause… you’re awesome and we would literally be nowhere without you. You know that, right?
LAFONTAINE:
Thanks. Come on, JP. Let’s you and I hit my homunclid anatomy course and see if we can figure out anything about these parasites.
JP:
Ta ta!
[LaFontaine starts to leave]
LAURA:
Great. And we will keep reading the giant Sumerian tome of do not want.
[LaFontaine leaves]
[to Carmilla] So, thanks, by the way for coming with us to the library.
CARMILLA:
I thought we were never speaking of that again.
LAURA:
Yeah. [chuckles nervously] You came along ‘cause you wanna know what happened to her, didn’t you? ‘Cause you’re hoping that you can save her somehow?
CARMILLA:
Don’t start expecting heroic vampire crap from me, cupcake. If I know better than to mess with my mother, I sure as hell know better than to spit in the eye of something old enough to think it’s a god. Besides, the wench is dead.
LAURA:
So are you. Doesn’t seem to be putting a dent in your social life. Besides, if you want me to stop having heroic notions about you, you should probably stop saving my life.
CARMILLA:
Then who would buy the cupcakes?
[the next morning]
LAURA:
There is just nothing like a good night’s sleep. Right, sleepyhead?
CARMILLA:
[grumpily] No.
LAURA:
I mean, I did dream about that weird black cat thing again, but I think that’s just my subconscious being weird.
This morning, after a long night of fruitless research, it is more fruitless research. [Carmilla sighs] This time for my final Lit paper, on which I am woefully behind. If anyone had told me before college that fighting evil required this much paperwork, I would not have believed them.
[Perry enters]
PERRY:
Where is she? Because if she thinks this is some kind of joke, that she’s trying to teach me a lesson, it is in such incredibly bad taste.
[Perry is tearing apart Laura and Carmilla’s room looking for LaFontaine]
LAURA:
Where is who now?
PERRY:
Susan. Uh, LaFontaine. And I know that she’s mad at me, but that is just no excuse for all this.
LAURA:
LaFontaine isn’t here.
PERRY:
What? No. No. She has to be. It has to be a joke.
LAURA:
What has to be a joke?
LAFONTAINE:
Her room was a mess and this was stapled to the door. [hands Laura a notecard]
LAURA:
[reading] Dear student: your nosy little friend no longer attends Silas University because (A) she meddled in things that were none of her business (B) did you really think we wouldn’t find out what you were up to (C) we are ancient and terrible (D) none of you are safe; we’ll take anyone we want. Exit procedures have commenced; no action on your part is required.
[END OF EPISODE] *Transcriber’s note: The myths I know the best are Greek. My Sumerian myth knowledge has huge gaps, so I’m essentially sounding it out. Except for Yuggoth, which I’m pretty sure is an HP Lovecraft reference.
EPISODE 28: BLAME ENOUGH FOR ALL
PERRY:
They could’ve taken her anywhere. They could be doing anything.
CARMILLA:
Sure. But any money, LaF is with the other missing girls. They’re down by two and they need to make up numbers.
PERRY:
What do you mean down by two?
CARMILLA:
Well, they already lost Sarah Jane and I stopped them from taking Laura here.
PERRY:
So you mean because you protected Laura they needed a replacement, and so they took… And you just let them? Why wouldn’t you have given her a bracelet too? Why would you have warned somebody?!
CARMILLA:
‘Cause whoever I help, they just end up taking more. I didn’t think it’d be one of your friends. [pause] Told you I’m not the hero of this peace.
PERRY:
[to Laura] What were you thinking, the two of you? Getting involved in all of this? And putting everything you do up online for everyone to see? What if they’re putting those things in her brain? What… What if the last thing she remembers is that I was awful to her? [curls up on Laura’s bed crying]
LAURA:
I did this. They took LaFontaine because they couldn’t take me. ‘Cause they could see my videos and they knew what we were up to.
CARMILLA:
[overlapping] Alright, just stop all of this before I get queasy. Cupcake, you are ridiculous and headstrong and naïve and this whole Lois Lane Junior gig is doomed, okay? But unless you’re going around kidnapping girls for some ancient unspeakable evil, nothing that’s happening right now is your fault.
LAURA:
Really?
CARMILLA:
Yeah, [indicates to self] former minion of the evil? Yeah.
LAURA:
[sighs] Okay, but Perry’s not wrong either. We need to be smarter than this. We need to make sure we’ve warned anybody who might be in harm’s way. [to the camera] Which includes you. If you are on the Silas campus, you are in danger.
CARMILLA:
Duh. Though, did anybody think to tell that big puppy that follows you around that his BFF’s a vampire?
LAURA:
Oh my god, Kirsch!
[later]
KIRSCH:
No.
LAURA:
Yes.
KIRSCH:
No.
LAURA:
Yes.
KIRSCH:
Dude, no, okay? Will’s my bro. He came with me to SJ’s memorial. Which was really sad.
LAURA:
Kirsch, I’m sorry.
KIRSCH:
Memorial’s nice, though. There’s, like, a little rock with her name on it. I bring her flowers sometimes. Pink ones. She liked pink stuff.
LAURA:
That’s sweet.
KIRSCH:
And look, I get it. You guys are trying to help me because you think I’m dumb.
LAURA:
No!
KIRSCH:
Alright, you think I’m not good at math or science or English or whatever. But… I know bros. And Zetas? We walk through fire for each other. And even if Will is a vampire, he’s a Zeta first.
CARMILLA:
Doesn’t work that way, beefcake.
KIRSCH:
Well listen, out of the two of you, my man Will never tried to bite me.
LAURA:
Just do me a favour, okay? Just be careful around him. I was not kidding when I said he tried to kill me.
KIRSCH:
Okay. Yeah. And hey, if you’re not too busy fighting evil, maybe you would come to the post- midterm bash on Friday? We’re wrapping the goat in bacon this year.
LAURA:
Yum.
[Kirsch leaves; Laura sighs]
CARMILLA:
You can send a dude to college, but you can’t make him think. [Laura chuckles]
LAURA:
Must be nice sometimes, though. To be normal. Or oblivious. Nothing to worry about except the midterm bash and whether the person you like’s gonna be there. That must sound so stupid to you. You’ve been to, what? A zillion dances.
CARMILLA:
Yeah, but most of the time I was bait in a supernatural con game.
LAURA:
So, you can’t remember what kids did for kicks back in 1698?
CARMILLA:
Ah, it wasn’t much different. We drank a lot and danced like fools. Waltzing was fun. It had a frisson scandal back then.
LAURA:
How is waltzing scandalous?
CARMILLA:
Well… [she offers her hand to Laura and they both get up] Partners were face to face. Chest to chest. All of that, um, whirling. [she spins Laura; Laura laughs] In 1698 it may as well have been sex.
LAURA:
So you had some fun after all.
CARMILLA:
Eh, once or twice. [Laura yawns] Why don’t you just take mine [indicating to her bed]? I’ll curl up on the floor.
LAURA:
No! I couldn’t make you…
CARMILLA:
Vampiric constitution trumps lower back pain. [she goes into the bathroom]
LAURA:
Thanks. Worst. Crush. Ever. [faceplants into bed]
[END OF EPISODE]
EPISODE 29: PTSD & BROWNIES
[theme]
PERRY:
Good morning, Laura’s viewers. So, some of you are probably aware that my best friend has, um, been kidnapped and there’s really, absolutely nothing that any of us can do about it. Instead of sitting around and panicking, I decided to make myself useful. There’s a lot to clean. So, that’s done. Oh. I should go check on the brownies.
[Perry leaves; cut to later]
[Laura wakes up]
PERRY:
Good morning, Laura.
LAURA:
It’s 6 AM.
PERRY:
I know. But I ran out of things to clean, so I thought it was time we have a little talk. Brownie?
LAURA:
Uh, thanks. [she takes one]
Sorry, I keep dreaming there’s this giant cat thing sleeping on the floor.
PERRY:
Oh, that’s probably just Carmilla. Carmilla. Carmilla. [kicks her]
CARMILLA:
[waking up] Ugh. What?
PERRY:
Want a brownie?
CARMILLA:
Seriously? I was just getting to sleep. Did you vacuum around me?
PERRY:
Okay. So now that you’re both awake, I think it’s time that we had a floor meeting.
CARMILLA:
So we’re in hell now.
LAURA:
Seems so. [to Perry] Brownies are good.
PERRY:
The two of you can be flip all you like, but the fact remains that LaFontaine is missing and we need to start doing something about it right now. So, first, I think we need to put this thing [gestures to camera] on some kind of delay so that we aren’t just giving ourselves away if something evil is watching. Second, are we calling the police? Possibly hiring a private investigator? Mercenaries? Bloodthirsty killers for hire? We can do that, right?
LAURA:
We went over all of this with Betty. The police won’t come unless campus security calls them and no private investigator will even set foot on this campus, which really is an indication, and I don’t even know how you go about finding mercenaries. But we’ll hit the book. There’s supposed to be something in there. In the meantime, I think I saw some mould behind the toilets, you could…
PERRY:
Okay.
[she goes into the bathroom]
CARMILLA:
And now for our daring daylight escape?
LAURA:
And now for hitting the book. She might be traumatized, but she isn’t wrong.
[hitting the book/cleaning montage; Perry bumps into Carmilla who spills her blood on the book]
CARMILLA:
Ugh, goddammit.
PERRY:
Oh, I’m sorry I-I-I didn’t mean…
LAURA:
Is that new stuff appearing on the book because you spilt blood on it? Right, of course it is.
CARMILLA:
It’s an entry from something called Lophiiformes. The light that devours. An ancient evil that demands… I’m not sure about the symbol there… five, shocker, virgins every twenty years. Uh, once victims are marked their world narrows to celebration.
LAURA:
It likes party girls. That’s it! That’s our thing! So, how do we stop it?
CARMILLA:
Uh, old as the ocean’s depths, light that betrays all, blah blah blah blah, draws the devoured to it and consumes their minds, which increases the light and draws in more of the devoured.
LAURA:
So, it’s absorbing their minds and using the energy to draw more people in. And if Ell is reaching out to us then…
CARMILLA:
They’re conscious in there.
LAURA:
God, this just gets creepier and creepier.
LAFONTAINE:
[from the doorway] Word. [off everyone’s shocked reactions] Hey. Why are we all freaking out?
PERRY:
Oh, you’re back! You’re back! You’re alright.
LAFONTAINE:
What do you mean I’m back? I didn’t go anywhere. Did I… go somewhere?
[END OF EPISODE]
EPISODE 30: MONSTERS, LIES & VIDEOTAPES
LAFONTAINE:
There’s just nothing. I remember being here, talking to you, and then I was in that corner like no time had passed.
PERRY:
Well, it was more than just today. We didn’t think you’d come back. That other girl, Elsie– she didn’t come back.
LAFONTAINE:
They really took me. If they did, those things are in my brain. How long do I have? [silence] Great. So, what do we know? [more silence] [LaF sighs] Please tell me you didn’t waste an entire day making brownies.
LAURA:
No, no! We found it. It’s this devouring light thing called Loopiformes.
CARMILLA:
Lophiiformes.
LAURA:
And it looks like the Dean sacrifices five girls to it every twenty years.
LAFONTAINE:
Wow, so much for the university’s progressive policies on feminism, huh? [chuckles] So, uh, why would the Dean do that?
CARMILLA:
Well, why does anyone start a cult? Wealth. Power. Eternal youth. To get back at people you knew in high school. [LaF chuckles]
LAFONTAINE:
So, uh, is there anything in the book that might…?
CARMILLA:
No, it’s just… it’s more in the all-hail-and-cower-muling-worms vein.
PERRY:
Okay. So maybe we don’t have to go with the book, but [LaF’s phone beeps] ancient evil brain parasites, yes, so maybe they don’t like, um, aspirin or cough syrup…
LAFONTAINE:
Sara’s** almost dead. What’s this? [plays phone recording]
LAFONTAINE (recorded):
I didn’t see anything when they took me but now I’m in this little room. It’s dark and it smells like limestone and water like a cave…
WILL (recorded):
I don’t know what she’s bitching about, I mean we’re fine. The third one went so fast we didn’t need to collect her again. This one replaced the airhead, so we just need to score one more for the ritual for the new moon. It’ll be cake. Ugh, damnit! This one’s fainted. Did you forget to water them again?*
OTHER VAMP:
Good news, smarty pants. The Dean will see you now.
LAFONTAINE (recorded):
Oh, that’s okay. I know she’s busy. [sound of LaF being hit] Ugh! [recording ends]
LAURA:
Did you record your own kidnapping?
LAFONTAINE:
Maybe?
CARMILLA:
Incompetent idiots. [off Perry and Laura’s glares] No, not you guys. My mother’s minions. Who lets a kidnapping victim get in with a recording device?! That’s just… [Laura elbows her] By which I mean, uh, well done, you.
LAURA:
You did amazing. They have three girls down there and they’re all still alive.
CARMILLA:
Yeah, but we still don’t know where there is or how to deal with my mother, let alone some ancient, unspeakable evil. So we’re still utterly screwed.
LAURA:
But there’s a ritual, right? So maybe we just need to stop them from taking any more girls until… what did Will say? The new moon. We just have to last until Friday. Which is also when my Lit paper is due.
CARMILLA:
Well, hey! If we get sucked into an underground evil, your deadline will be moved. [Laura snorts]
LAURA:
Thanks. [to LaFontaine] Hey. I gotta say, all things considered, you’re taking this really well.
LAFONTAINE:
Yeah. It really doesn’t seem to be that scary. It’s probably a bad sign, right?
PERRY:
Oh, no. No, no, no, no. You… you can’t be going yet. [hushed, Laura and Carmilla] The others? They didn’t go this fast.
LAFONTAINE:
Maybe it’s ‘cause the ritual’s so close. That might [?] the little wormy dudes in my brain right up. [gasps] Snacks! [takes a cookie]
CARMILLA:
That won’t be distracting.
PERRY:
Um, it’s okay. I’ll… I’ll stay with her and make sure she’s okay. She’s my best friend. Okay, come on, honey. Let’s go. We’ll, uh, we’ll find you some place to go dancing.
[LaFontaine and Perry leave]
[END OF EPISODE]
EPISODE 31: OF HEARTS AND HOLY HAND GRENADES
LAURA:
[picks up Carmilla’s underwear] Eugh. I am starting to miss having Perry around.
JP:
[at the same time] Commencing search: Campus historical records. Weapons/ Sub-class: Mystical. Override:// Access:// Restricted Stacks. Execute:// Searching…
[Laura picks up a necklace and puts it on]
LAURA:
So, with Carmilla and JP researching mystical weapons on campus— of which there are an alarming number, actually— I have decided it is time to tackle my scholastic progress or lack thereof by having a little conversation with my— [knock at the door]
[Danny enters]
DANNY:
(reluctantly) Hey, Laura. Uh, Perry said you needed to talk to me?
LAURA:
My Lit TA. Hey, Danny. You look good.
DANNY:
Thanks. And you’re still filming. Even after what happened to LaFontaine.
LAURA:
Oh, god. Are you still watching?
DANNY:
Oh, no, no. Uh, not after the library. I worry too much.
LAURA:
Well, I’m glad that you still care. But if you aren’t watching, then how’d you know about LaFontaine?
DANNY:
Oh, I ran into them in the hall.
LAURA:
Yeah, it’s not good.
Uh, so, I was kind of hoping that I could ask you something.
DANNY:
Yeah. Of course.
LAURA:
The immediate thing of all this is that it has been very stressful.
DANNY:
Yeah. I know. I haven’t exactly seen you in class lately.
LAURA:
Yeah. About that. Can I have an extension on my term paper?
DANNY:
What?
LAURA:
Just for, like, a week, until the big soul-sucking ritual I have to thwart is over. [silence]
Danny:
What?
LAURA:
Three days?
DANNY:
[sighs] Oh my god. I can’t believe I thought… No, instead, you had me come all this way because you can’t stay on top of your homework?
LAURA:
Seriously? Trying to save four people isn’t worth three days? And, wait, can’t believe you thought what?
DANNY:
Nothing.
LAURA:
Did you think that I invited you over here so that we could…?
DANNY:
No, not anymore I don’t! I can’t believe your nerve.
LAURA:
Can’t believe my nerve? I’m not the one being unfair and vindictive!
DANNY:
Well, you’re not the one who got thrown over for Elvira, mistress of the snark!
LAURA:
Okay, that is so unfair.
DANNY:
No, you know what? I’m not having this conversation. If you can’t keep your supernatural affairs in order long enough to get your assignments done, that’s your business.
[Danny starts to leave]
CARMILLA:
Come back never.
DANNY:
This place was cleaner when you were tied up. [to Laura] Don’t call me again.
[she leaves]
LAURA:
Oh my god, she hates me. Danny hates me and I’m gonna fail my Lit course. Please tell me you’re having better luck with the mystical weapon situation.
CARMILLA:
Mmm, not so much. [Laura sighs] Ascalon*, an enchanted spear that kills dragons, but only if you’re a Christian saint. The scepter of Kerykeion will heal them. The holy hand grenade of Antioch would be perfect for an influx of monstrous rabbits.
JP:
Match found! “The Blade Of Hastur” — Image loading…
LAURA:
Wait, what about this one? The Blade of Hastur, forged from the burnt bones of Star Spawn and meant to shatter all that oppose it. Yeah, that’s…
JP:
It may or may not be sealed into the face of a cliff in an underwater cavern, like, a thousand feet below seawater… :(
LAURA:
No.
CARMILLA:
Why no?
LAURA:
Well, it’s sealed into the face of a cliff in an underwater cavern, like, a thousand feet below sea level. Nobody could survive that, which is probably the point. We just need something a little less epic quest and little more borrowed-from-the-museum-of-warfare-and-atrocities. Maybe a nice bazooka…
CARMILLA:
I could get it.
LAURA:
What?
CARMILLA:
The sword. I could get it. Pressure depth and nitrogen narcosis aren’t really itches for a vampire.
LAURA:
That would be… I mean, you’d be risking your life and if your mother found out she would…
CARMILLA:
Yeah, well, my mother fed the only person I cared about to a monster and maybe I don’t feel like letting that happen again.
LAURA:
Wow, that’s… I mean, I know that you’re not just doing it for me, but seriously…
CARMILLA:
Don’t be an idiot. Of course I’m doing it for you.
[she gets up and approaches Laura]
[re: the necklace] Where’d you get that?
LAURA:
I found it here. I thought that you left it for me…
CARMILLA:
[overlapping] Get it off!
LAURA:
What?
CARMILLA:
[the necklace burns her hand] Ah!
JP:
Uh oh!
LAURA:
But… [she convulses and falls forward]
CARMILLA:
Laura. Hey, n-n-n-n-no. Laura!
JP:
[at the same time] SEARCH: Evil necklace. SEARCH: Invading spirits. SEARCH: Magical remedies. SEARCH: How to “exorcise”. SEARCH: Who you gonna call? SEARCH: Jim Jasper’s Ghost Tonic. SEARCH: What the heck!?!?
[Possessed Laura stands up and cracks her neck]
CARMILLA:
Mother.
THE DEAN:
Hello, sweetheart. I thought it was time we had a little talk.
[END OF EPISODE]
EPISODE 32: MOMMY DEAREST
CARMILLA:
What do you want, Mother?
THE DEAN:
You didn’t come when I sent for you. I can’t imagine poor William was at all unclear. Doesn’t quite have the brains for delicacy.
CARMILLA:
So if you’re gonna kill me, why not just come yourself?
JP:
Don’t give her any ideas!
THE DEAN:
Kill you? When you think of the lengths I’ve gone to save you from your own foolishness? No. But I thought we should talk without your little foolish friends listening in.
JP:
Oh no–she means me… I’ll be good!
THE DEAN:
Speaking of which…
JP:
No! Please Ms. Dean! I’ll be–
[the Dean unplugs JP]
THE DEAN:
Hm. [she crushes the USB] Now, that was satisfying. That little son of a glitch has been a loose end since he disappeared into that rabbit hole they call a library back in 1874.
CARMILLA:
You didn’t have to do that.
THE DEAN:
Yes, I did. Threats to the sacrifice cannot be tolerated. One day you’ll understand.
CARMILLA:
(choked up) Do you think I’m ever gonna understand why you fed the only girl I’ve ever loved to an abomination?
THE DEAN:
I think you’re a practical girl and you’ll see that everything I do I do for the best. That silly little creature couldn’t have loved you. The second she knew what you were, she spilled your secrets like an idiot schoolchild. She was a cockroach. A wretched, crawling thing like this one. And you, my glittering girl, are a diamond. Stone cannot love flesh.
CARMILLA:
See, all I’m hearing are your excuses for why you let a supernatural suckfest turn you into its kitchen staff.
THE DEAN:
And you think you’ll be the one to change all that? You’ll claw the Blade of Hastur from its underwater grave and strike out the light where we worship? [dips finger into the glass of blood and drinks] It was a good plan. But you won’t try it. It’s a blade meant to consume anyone who wields it. Why do you think the cult of Hastur buried the wretched thing? [sighs] Darling, there’s no way for you to fight; nothing to fight with. Sometimes that’s just the way of the world. And we must learn to bear it as best we can.
CARMILLA:
So if it’s all doomed, why even bother coming to tell me?
THE DEAN:
Because I would hate for you to become a threat to the sacrifice. And instead, I thought I’d offer you a deal. If you can keep your little pet here from making more trouble, I’ll let you keep her. Take someone else instead.
CARMILLA:
How could I ever trust you?
THE DEAN:
Why don’t I start us off with a gesture of good faith? [calling] William, why don’t you bring in your little friend?
[Will and Kirsch enter]
WILL:
[to Carmilla] Hi, sugar puss.
[slightly later]
KIRSCH:
Will said you needed some help with your big rescue plan. And I was like, the Zetas are in! Y’know, we’re up to being big damn heroes. Told you Will was a total bro.
THE DEAN:
Isn’t he darling? I do so enjoy chivalry.
KIRSCH:
Hey, Laura, you’re acting kind of, uh, kind of weird, even for you.
THE DEAN:
Hush, dear. The grownups are talking.
CARMILLA:
I thought your hungry little nightlight wanted virgins.
THE DEAN:
Oh, you’ve been reading Berkeley’s transcriptions. That man was obsessed. No, we just take girls because it’s traditional. Besides, the world’s just gonna grind them up anyway, so it’s almost a mercy.
KIRSCH:
Uh, what’s she talking about?
THE DEAN:
This one, though, believes some idiot accident. Perhaps depression over his lost sweetie. So, what’s it to be? Shall we take the prom king here and leave you and the little moppet alone?
KIRSCH:
Dude, I don’t get what she’s talking about.
WILL:
Oh, it’s cool, bro. You’re gonna save Laura.
KIRSCH:
Alright. Sorry.
THE DEAN:
Because the other option is I simply waltz this adorable little body right out the door and into the sacrifice.
CARMILLA:
[considers] Deal.
THE DEAN:
Excellent. William? [snaps fingers] [Will walks over to Kirsch and puts him in a chokehold]
KIRSCH:
(choked) Will, dude! What are you doing?
WILL:
Choking you, bro.
KIRSCH:
Okay.
WILL:
Just choking you, bro. [Kirsch passes out; Will drags him out of the room]
THE DEAN:
Remember, she’s safe so long as you keep her from meddling. If either of you get in the way again, all bets are off.
CARMILLA:
You’ve made yourself clear.
THE DEAN:
I should hope so. Now be quick. [takes off necklace] Catch. [Laura falls onto the bed]
CARMILLA:
Laura! Laura! Hey! [Laura coughs and sits up]
LAURA:
Carm, what the…?
CARMILLA:
Hey, you’re fine. It was… the necklace. It was just a trap from my mother. It was poisoned. But it- we got it off in time.
LAURA:
Your mom plays dirty. Man, she is gonna be so done when you show up all righteous with that sword.
CARMILLA:
Yeah, I don’t think she’s expecting anything like that.
[END OF EPISODE]
EPISODE 33: PEP RALLY
LAURA:
Welcome to midterm week at Silas. Students are scrambling for their exams. The stage is being built for the big party…
LAFONTAINE:
Party…
LAURA:
And in an underground cavern who-knows-where, a horrific sacrifice is being prepared. That’s the bad news. The good news is that we haven’t heard anything about any other girls going missing, and with LaFontaine still hogtied and headbanging, the vamps are still two shy of their magic number. Even more awesome than that is that we have totally researched up some mystical vamp-killing, evil-ending sword that is gonna level this tilt-a-whirl of a playing field. [to Carmilla] You’re gonna go out and grab that soon, yeah?
CARMILLA:
Soon.
LAURA:
Good. It will feel a lot better when we are all together and heavily armed. I wish JP was here, but someone seems to have misplaced our non-resident librarian. [sudden headache] [Laura grabs her head] Ahh.
CARMILLA:
Are you alright?
LAURA:
Yeah. That necklace did a number on me. I feel like I had a whole other brain crammed into my skull.
CARMILLA:
That- that’ll pass.
LAURA:
Ugh. That is not helping either. But I think it’s also this sit tight plan. I mean, what if the vamps just take two more tonight and make with the sacrifice anyway?
CARMILLA:
Laura, this plan keeps you safe. It keeps your friends here safe. That’s all we can do. [Laura gets an idea] Laura…
LAURA:
You’re right; it’s all that we can do, but what if there were more of us? Remember when I first put the videos up online and all those people that I’d never even met just wanted to help? There is a whole campus and what do you bet they don’t want some vampire cult kidnapping their friends anymore than we do?
CARMILLA:
Laura…
LAURA:
With that many people, we can search every basement and cave until we find them. It’s… perfect!
CARMILLA:
Laura, that’s…
LAURA:
I will go get the troops rallied, and you go get the sword, okay? Your mom and her loopy demon light thingy aren’t even gonna know what him ‘em. [she kisses Carmilla on the cheek and runs out of the room]
PERRY:
Don’t you have a sword to go get?
[later; Carmilla is out of the room. Laura is holding an icepack to her head]
[LaF mutters intermittently and incoherently through Laura’s dialogue]
LAURA:
Yeah. That could’ve gone better. Ugh. So, I got up on the big party stage and I explained to the assembled crowd that the dean of students was a vampire who planned on sacrificing five of their classmates to some ancient brain devouring hungry light, and then it was time for all of Silas to rally together… And then, unfortunately, I was hit in the head with a tomato. [sighs] Turns out Danny has really not gotten over… things. But, before the Summer Society could pummel me with more various fruits, the Zetas showed up. Turns out Will and Kirsch are missing and the last place anyone saw them was headed to this dorm. So, the only reason I sit before you now, untarred and unfeathered, is because they couldn’t agree on who had a better case of using me as a human piñata. And like all of their arguments, it quickly escalated into a free-for-all, with paintballs and quarterstaff combat and no concern for the destruction of property. So, I snuck to safety when they set the party stage on fire.
LAFONTAINE:
I wanna go to the party…
LAURA:
So much for my big plan. The campus is a war zone and I don’t know what could’ve happened to Kirsch and I don’t know what to do about LaFontaine or Betty and Carmilla’s still gone and I’m starting to get worried and… [computer pings] And apparently my video cache is full from a giant raw file from… Wednesday. But that should just be…
THE DEAN (recorded):
Hello, sweetheart. I thought it was time we had a little talk.
[later]
LAFONTAINE:
It’s time. It’s time for the party. I wanna go to the party.
PERRY:
I know, sweetie. Shhh.
[Carmilla enters]
PERRY:
[brandishing a stake] Not one more step, bloodsucker.
CARMILLA:
What is this?
[Laura plays the recording]
THE DEAN (recorded):
So, what’s it to be? Shall we take the prom king here and leave you and the little moppet alone?
CARMILLA (recorded):
Deal.
THE DEAN (recorded):
Excellent.
[Laura shuts off the recording]
LAURA:
Were you even gonna tell me? About JP? About Kirsch? About the fact she possessed me and used me to hurt my friends or was it just gonna be sorry babe, no sword, no rescue. That’s just the way the world is?
CARMILLA:
Laura, that’s not–
PERRY:
I won’t let you take her.
CARMILLA:
Laura, she promised to leave us alone.
LAURA:
Yeah, just so long as you let her kill my friends. Y’know, it’s not the sword. The sword would kill you and I get that. It’s that you just gave up. After everything, you didn’t even try.
CARMILLA:
Laura, that’s not what–
LAURA:
Go away, Carmilla. Go run and hide. We’re done.
[Carmilla leaves]
[END OF EPISODE]
EPISODE 34: DO NOT GO INTO THE LIGHT
LAURA:
So, college isn’t turning out quite like I thought it would. For those of you who have been watching, you know that a couple months ago, the dean, who’s evil, kidnapped my roommate Betty to feed some brain devouring hungry light under the earth. I thought I could save my roommate, and instead, all I’ve managed to do is get my friends brainsucked and kidnapped… and my heart broken by my sociopathic vampire roommate, who’s probably the only one who’s gonna survive any of this. Also, I’m pretty sure I flunked out. The worst part is that if I just sit here and do nothing, it’ll pass me over. I could be safe and go home to my dad. And all I’d have to do is accept the fact that I don’t understand the world and that I can’t change it. And that even trying would be throwing away my life for nothing.
LAFONTAINE:
It’s time. It’s time for the party. I have to go.
PERRY:
Calm down, sweetie. There’s no party.
LAFONTAINE:
There is and it’s now!
LAURA:
The party…
LAFONTAINE:
The party.
PERRY:
Laura, you are not helping!
LAURA:
No, I mean the party. When Carmilla did the translation, she said their world narrows to celebration. But what if it was supposed to be “their world narrows to the celebration”? [to LaFontaine] Is there a bright light at the party?
LAFONTAINE:
Yes. Party light. Glittering…
LAURA:
And do you know how to get there? How to get to the party?
LAFONTAINE:
I have to go.
LAURA:
[to Perry] I won’t try and force you. There’s no way that we can win. We might not even be able to make a dent.
PERRY:
I am supposed to be planning a post-midterms brunch and hassling my best friend because pipettes make crappy stocking stuffers. Some things are more important than whether you can win.
LAURA:
So sometimes you stand up anyway. [Perry nods and unties LaFontaine]
[to the camera] Um, Dad. If you’re watching this, sorry for all the stupid things that I’ve done. And I love you. And Carmilla, if you’re watching this, then… you know.
[Laura, LaFontaine, and Perry leave]
[later; Carmilla is watching the video]
CARMILLA:
Goddamnit. Of all the imbecilic, idiot, suicidal… You just had to go and get yourself eaten. Oh god, you’re somewhere getting eaten.
[Danny enters]
DANNY:
Where the hell is Laura because this isn’t funny.
CARMILLA:
What?
DANNY:
I just got a text. “Trapped in basement of old chapel. Come quick. Bring stakes.”
CARMILLA:
The Dudley Chapel. The Lustig Building! They’re under the Lustig Building!
DANNY:
You’re being serious? This isn’t a joke?
CARMILLA:
Only the part that’s happening right now, Xena. Okay. Get down there, rustle up your Brobdingnagian sorority sisters and- and get to the Lustig. Hell, even tell the Zetas that’s where the missing bros are.
DANNY:
And where are you going?
CARMILLA:
To do something really stupid.
DANNY:
[re: the camera] Is that thing still running?
CARMILLA:
Yeah, I think we’re supposed to be filming our soppy heartfelt goodbyes or something.
DANNY:
Screw that.
CARMILLA:
Good call. See you at the violence.
[Danny and Carmilla leave]
[fade to black]
LAURA:
So, a completely unexpected thing just happened. [Laura, Danny, Betty, LaFontaine, Natalie, Perry, Elsie, and Kirsch are gathered in Laura’s room. Carmilla is conspicuously absent.] We won. We actually won. We won. (starts to cry) And Carmilla’s dead.
[END OF EPISODE]
EPISODE 35: HEROIC VAMPIRE BULLSHIT
DANNY:
So, Laura’s kinda having a rough time right now. So.
PERRY:
So, Laura and I followed LaFontaine across campus to the Lustig building and then down through the basement into a series of caves.
LAFONTAINE:
I still cannot believe you used me as a human homing beacon.
PERRY:
I know, but just… we were getting desperate and then…
LAFONTAINE:
No, no, no, no. That was hardcore. We do not apologize for the hardcore.
PERRY:
I missed you, weirdo.
LAFONTAINE:
Control freak.
PERRY:
Um, right, so, then, uh, everyone was there. Um, the vampires, the Dean, uh, Kirsch and all the rest, and they were standing at the lip of this enormous chasm with their backs to us, so we rushed them. Which was a bad idea. But I did manage to stake that one guy. Will? [to Kirsch] Oh. Sorry, sweetie.
KIRSCH:
It’s okay. I mean, he kinda had it coming.
PERRY:
But then the rest of the vampires caught us and they threw Laura and I in an old broom closet to eat later.
DANNY:
You know the next part. They forgot to take away Laura’s phone, which apparently has really great reception. So, I get a text, and, with a little convincing, I rustle up the cavalry. A phalanx of sisters, forty odd Zetas, armed with the traditional tridents and salted herring. And, so, we free Laura and Perry and we rush the vampire line. And we totally had them on the ropes when this rumbling started. And from the bottom of the pit, you could see this light rising. And- and it was like…
LAURA:
Like the sun coming up underground, and you’re transfixed by the brightness. Everybody started walking right towards it ‘cause what can you do but give yourself over to this light? Which was the moment this huge cat grabbed me by the scruff of my neck and dragged me away from the edge. And then it shrank and shifted and there was Carmilla with a sword. A sword like a hollow in reality, eating light.
DANNY:
And when the Dean saw Carmilla, she screamed and came at us in this swarm of shadows like crows scratching and clawing. And they fought like that until the Dean transformed into a woman again, at which point Carmilla decks her in the face with the sword hilt and she falls into the pit.
LAURA:
But it was too late. The light was everywhere. You could see these figures in it, reaching out for you. And I think Ell was… was maybe reaching out for Carmilla and Carmilla was crying ‘cause in all this time she’d never been able to see her. But then Carmilla turned to me and said, “y’know, I really am starting to hate this heroic vampire crap.” [Laura, Perry, LaFontaine, and Kirsch chuckle] And then she leapt. Drove the sword right into the heart of the light and the light shook and sputtered like it was alive and the ghosts screamed. And they all fell together into the darkness.
LAFONTAINE:
Once the light was out, I guess the brain parasites died because everyone seemed to wake up, more or less.
NATALIE:
I was arriving at the wine and cheese and that’s it. I don’t even remember if I got any wine.
BETTY:
I was on a campus tour. I didn’t even wanna go to this school.
PERRY:
But we were all still stuck in an almost completely dark underground cavern with a gang of vampires. Except it wasn’t totally dark, because all over the walls and in the air were these beautiful glowing puffballs, courtesy of the alchemy club.
KIRSCH:
Yeah, it was like having a bar fight in black light. And then this other vamp tried to break my arm and Psycho Society here saved my bacon.
DANNY:
That was accidental.
KIRSCH:
Hey, even if, you save a Zeta’s life you become an honorary Zeta. You get a trident and everything. And, uh, you know, it’d be kinda cool if you would… When the chips are down, you’re kinda like a bro. Um, and I could sorta use one.
PERRY:
Well, finally, all the vampires surrendered. Except for Carmilla’s mom, who was fifty feet down the cliff face clinging on by her fingernails.
DANNY:
Oh, and she was doing the whole you fools, you don’t know what you’ve done, you’ll regret this, zombies will eat your liver, blah blah blah.
KIRSCH:
Yeah, and then Laura’s like, “hey, sorry, the students of Silas University would like a new dean because (A) you’re a callous, evil witch… Yep. That one’s it. A.” And then Laura goes and pushes this rock that’s been teetering on the edge and bam. Done with the Dean.
LAFONTAINE:
Even better than that, now that the ancient demonic brain lantern is off, people are finally coming around, realizing that maybe they probably should have been upset about going to a school that serves eyeballs in the cafeteria, has safety protocols for escaped cacodemons, and where mortal combat is a prerequisite for tenure. The administration is finally gonna have to listen to my long, long list of health… [Perry gives them a look] Yeah. Sorry, Laura.
LAURA:
It’s okay.
PERRY:
Laura, you did it. You saved Betty. You saved almost everyone.
LAURA:
Yeah. Almost everyone.
[END OF EPISODE]
EPISODE 36: LIFE GOES ON
LAURA:
Hey. So, after everything that happened, I didn’t really feel like filming anymore, but Perry seems to think that it’ll be good for me. It’ll provide closure or continuity or something.
BETTY:
[overlapping] Who was this girl, seriously? God, her sole possessions are, like, a pile of empty wallets and some punk rock t-shirts.
LAURA:
So, Betty’s back. Kind of. Turns out she was supposed to be going to Princeton, so she’s just here while she’s waiting to hear about a transfer.
BETTY:
The bleach. I’m going to need all of the bleach. God, how did you not die?
LAURA:
She’s still a pretty good roommate, as roommates go. She doesn’t steal all my things and she actually uses the chore wheel. Oh! And I didn’t fail. Danny got my grade switched to the pass side of pass-fail on account of my saving five students from being eaten and all. Professor Cochrane actually gave me an A- in journalism. She said that it would’ve been an A but desperate, last minute rescues are bad form.
BETTY:
Oh my god! There’s blood in the milk container. Why is there blood in the milk container? What is wrong with you people? Why would anyone go this school?
[Betty leaves]
[room shaking; weird noises outside]
LAURA:
Yeah. We’ve been having a lot of those since the battle. Aftershocks, I guess. Oh! And JP’s okay. Kind of. Turns out LaFontaine had a backup USB, which is a little weird, but better to have him than not. He and LaFontaine have been spending a lot of time together in the library lately. I think they’re kind of dating. Maybe. Perry is dealing with that as best she can. I’m gonna miss those two when my dad comes to pick me up for reading week. And look, I know that that she was a terrible roommate and kind of a terrible person sometimes, and that one big grand gesture doesn’t make up for centuries of what’s essentially murder, but… she was my terrible roommate and she made the big gesture for me.
[Perry knocks and enters]
PERRY:
Hey, Laura. Um, so, something happened, and, um, I just wanted to come prepare you so that you wouldn’t freak out. So Kirsch and some of his Zeta bros were, um, throwing cherry bombs into the big pit under the Lustig. And, um, they found, um…
[Danny enters, carrying Carmilla]
DANNY:
Okay, sorry, Easy Bake*, she’s heavier than she looks. [she puts Carmilla onto Laura’s bed] Okay.
LAURA:
Carm!
DANNY:
So, we think she’s… I mean, she seems dead, but she’s a vampire, right?
LAURA:
Well, blood! She needs blood! [grabs milk container and feeds it to Carmilla] Please don’t be dead. Please don’t be dead.
[Carmilla drinks the blood and sits up]
CARMILLA:
Whoa, that was a kick. [Laura hugs her]
LAURA:
Hey.
CARMILLA:
Hey.
[Perry and Danny leave]
LAURA:
Are you hurt? It looks like maybe you’re hurt. And I’m sorry I hugged you so hard that you’re hurt, it’s just that you were dead and now you’re not and- and I know that you’re probably going through [Carmilla stands up] a lot of stuff with your mom, it’s just that… [Carmilla kisses her] And I know that you didn’t do everything for me, I just… [Carmilla kisses her again] [Laura squeals] [Laura kisses Carmilla] Wow. So, you’re a giant black cat, huh? [Laura and Carmilla laugh]
[end credits to “Love Will Have Its Sacrifices” by SOLES]
CARMILLA:
I really can’t have one day without that thing?
LAURA:
Oh, come on. Don’t you wanna record it for posterity?
CARMILLA:
Posterity can bite me. I have better things to do.
LAURA:
Oh, come on! They are all dying to know how you survived. I will make it worth your while.
CARMILLA:
Well, it turns out that… [LaFontaine bursts in] I hate this place so much.
LAFONTAINE:
Where is it? Where’s the book? The big Sumerian book?
LAURA:
Uh, it’s in the washroom. I was using it as a… as a bathmat. It’s pretty cushy.
LAFONTAINE:
Uh, I don’t read Sumerian. [gives book to Carmilla] Uh, Lophiiformes. The page. I know it talks about sacrificing five virgins every twenty years, but does it say anything about what would happen if it ate, say, a very old, very powerful vampire like your mother? [room shaking; weird noises outside]
CARMILLA:
We didn’t kill it?
LAURA:
I have an idea. We just go. We leave for reading week and we never come back. I mean, we can do that, right? Right?
[Town Hall alarms]
[END OF EPISODE]