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Intrinsic Shut Down by the Capitol No Bubble Tea This Week, Reopens Next Monday by Chan Comma Steven, Managing-Editor

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Intrinsic Shut Down by the Capitol No Bubble Tea This Week, Reopens Next Monday by Chan Comma Steven, Managing-Editor Stay connected with The Scalar on social media: Facebook: facenook.com/highlands_scalar Instabam: @scalar Nitter: @TheHighlandsScalar Issue 10 Volume LXXXVI April 1, 2015 Intrinsic shut down by the Capitol No bubble tea this week, reopens next Monday By Chan Comma Steven, managing-editor ue to an unforeseen “I wouldn’t worry about attack by Capitol forces, the Capitol pulling a stunt like popular bubble tea café this again,” said President Bobi DInstrinsic has been shut down for Maron. “They know that we are the week while repairs are being watching their every move. If they made. do something, anything public, The attack, which occurred we’ll catch them. We have to.They on the very early morning of are truly sad beings that need March 32, took District citizen some Capitol punishment.” and bystander Tom Wennerstraw If you have any information by surprise and left the café in that can lead to the arrest of the shambles. He told The Scalar what rebels, please send an email to had happened. [email protected]. reported being ushered into a establishment. They broke every “It is disgusting how the rebels “I was ordering my usual drink chair and tied so that he couldn’t table before they left and escaped went after my favorite bubble man, and then all of a sudden move. He then watched hopelessly capture in what appeared to be tea place,” said District member like this canister flew through the as they carved Capitol logos into a huge “hot dog mobile.” No Akelia Marina. “Now where am window at the front of the store,” the walls, counter, and every suspects were found and there are I supposed to get my fix of Taro Wennerstraw said. “Then like, the single croissant in the display. open warrants for their arrest. bubble tea? There is not other canister started pumping smoke “They were very thorough,” he Intrinsic café is a popular social great place in the Highlands to and I was all ‘I don’t like this!’ and remarked. “What they did before hangout for District members, even taste tea as good as this!” I went into a corner to crouch they left was smash every piece and the attack was likely politically Due to the attack, guards have down and cry.” of glass in the building. They motivated. The establishment been stationed at the Starbucks 6 armed individuals entered kept calling us ‘Basic *******’ and served exceptional bubbled tea, located on the Rutgers Newark the store wearing gas masks and I didn’t really appreciate that,” hot and cold drinks, as well as campus. The site, which as makeshift weapons. They yelled Wennerstaw held back tears. an assortment of delicious food. received a heavy increase of at all inhabitants of the café to put The forces left when the Unfortunately, all of this will traffic due to the surge of thirsty their hands up and line up against Highlands officers’ sirens were not be available until repairs are Highlands students, is being the wall. After a few minutes of heard within 3 blocks of the completed next week. carefully monitored. quiet discussion, Wennerstraw A Message about the dangers of the Sun By Collen Urbane, staff writergoer to buy pricey sunblock, and Additionally, sunlight is the even death. Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty, every commuter to buy over- #1 cause of sunburn. In many In fact, 100% of all people who and safely rid the world of the s winter retreats and priced sunglasses. All to the glee cases, sunburn will cause the have been exposed to the sun will dangers of nuclear war. In one fell the various migratory of the fat cats of air conditioner, skin to literally peel off the body, die. This is not a coincidence. It swoop, we will have ended global homeless and poor return sunblock, and sunglasses unions. much like a flesh-eating disease. is also no coincidence that many warming, solved the poverty Ato the north with the onset of The pro-sun media would like Sunburn will effect hundreds war criminals are from sunny problems of the Districts, stopped spring, I am once again put face you to believe that green house of thousands of unprotected places. Areas like Germany, where the scourge of sunburn, and will to face with the merciless poverty gases are the cause of global children this summer, as ignorant the Nazi party once rose to power, have united the world against that runs like a mud splatter warming, but green house gases mothers toss their children get on average over 250 sunny a common enemy, effectively through the fabric of America. I merely trap the sunlight, which outside, insisting that the fresh days a year. It is obvious to every creating world peace. wonder to myself, “how many of patriotic American that the Sun these poor, hapless individuals is a major collaborator in various I need your help so that I can run would instead be successful and terrorist activities. my grass-roots campaign to end vibrant citizens if not for their I know that many of you must the sun. Please call the toll free exposure to one of the world’s be asking “What can we do? Oh number at 1-800-KILLSUN and most dangerous substance?” what can we mere men do against give a generous donation. I wonder still, how many such a hateful presence?” Well, more children will be faced I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t with exposure to this substance have to be this way. There is a with the coming of this spring. solution. We must destroy the Children that will no doubt grow Sun. If we launch enough nuclear up to be burdens on society and missiles at it, there is no way the themselves. sun could survive. The destructive I speak of course of that most capabilities of the nuclear arsenal insidious of radiations; sunlight. of the Highlands are vast, but Sunlight is a plague upon our we cannot do this alone. If we great nation, and indeed the are to ensure the Sun’s demise, world. It may come as a surprise is in fact the root cause of global air will be “good for them.” the nuclear weapons of each and to many of you that sunlight is warming. Scientists predict that Unfortunately, the exact opposite every District must be used to this the cause of a great many ills. if global warming continues, the is true. In addition to sunburn, end. It causes poverty for ordinary entire nation of Bangladesh will prolonged sunlight exposure will This will give the nations working class citizens by forcing be underwater. Over 300 million also cause moles, heat stroke, a common enemy, which is every home to buy an expensive people will drown, and it’s all exhaustion, excessive sweating, the key to unity. Additionally, air conditioner, every beach- thanks to the sun. dehydration, deliriousness, and this will fulfill the goals of the 2 | Page The Vector Opinions and Editorials Campus Athletics Greek The Vector is published weekly during the Fall and Spring semesters by the students of New Jersey Institute of Technology. Located at 150 Bleeker Street, Newark, NJ 07102, the Vector Office is located in Room Editor’s Corner 466 of the Campus Center and the Business Office is down the hall in Room 449. The Vector is dedicated to the Memory of Dr. Herman A. Estrin and Roger Hernandez. Deadlines for Articles or Letters to the Editors are due on Thursdays prior to publication at 10 P.M. Submissions should not exceed 750 words. For more information and submissions, please Love the Capitol, It will love you e-mail [email protected]. Advertisement Reservations are due two weeks prior to publication and should be Everything is sunny all the time, always! sent to [email protected]. By Lilo Lee, Previous Hunger Games Winner Contact Information General Staff [email protected] (973)-596-3611 Editorial Board [email protected] (973)-596-3611 Business [email protected] ere in the Highlands, The and they have no friends. There, I (973)-596-5416 Capitol often gets a bad rap. said it. Sure, the Capitol makes us One time, a rebel actually touched a Hfight to the death for GDS catering, Capitol member’s face. An uncouth, Editorial Board budget, and dignity, but it’s only filthy rebel actually reached out and Editor-in-Chief because they care. The Capitol takes stroked the beautiful, perfect skin of Leonard-Angelo Valenzuela the time to “culturalize” us dum- a Capitol member. It was the most [email protected] dums, to make us better, cleaner horrifying thing ever for him, poor Executive Editor beings. Why wouldn’t we want that? thing. Us filthy District peasants Amarelis Bracero In truth, a lot of this division have all of the diseases, and basically, [email protected] actually comes from the foolish, the poor Capitol man just barely Managing Editor dirty rebels. Those rebels really suck! managed to ward off Ebola. Stephen Chan Here the Capitol is, trying to love So remember, fellow District [email protected] and accept us despite our problems, members, that the Capitol loves us. Business Manager and the rebels come to make their They need us to survive, and we need Effie Trinket job harder! them. We are meant for each other, [email protected] The rebels mistakenly believe and that is how it is meant to be. We Multimedia and Web Editor that the Capitol is lame. Well, the shouldn’t waste time “fighting” for Luke Memet Capitol is not lame.
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