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The Hottie and the Nottie

I’ve always harboured a desire to punch Paris Hilton in her stupid face. And after seeing this film, I want to nuke the entire state of California. (Note: I won’t, because that would be bad, but I want to – part of me wants to, if only to serve the comic narrative of how much I actively dislike this film.)

By Christopher Fraser, Deputy Film Editor (2010/11) Tuesday 25 January 2011

I’m not a violent person. The closest I’ve ever come to being in a fight was when someone punched me in the face at the age of 15, leading me to break down in tears and do absolutely nothing to defend myself. I’m not even confrontational – I might spout a ton of vitriol in this column, but face to face I’m more likely to cower in fear. I say this because despite all this, I’ve always harboured a desire to punch Paris Hilton in her stupid face. And after seeing this film, I want to nuke the entire state of California. (Note: I won’t, because that would be bad, but I want to – part of me wants to, if only to serve the comic narrative of how much I actively dislike this film.)

A brief summary to the billions of lucky people who haven’t seen this film: The Hottie and the Nottie stars the aforementioned heiress as Cristabel Abbott, a supposedly attractive girl and object of the desires of Nate Cooper (played heroically by Joel David Moore, turning a total bastard into a vaguely annoying screen presence). But wait! There’s more! Apparently, because it’s how women work, right, Cristabel “I’m A Whore” Abbott has an ugly friend called June Phigg (get it? It’s like “pig”! Oh, HA, HA, HA), and she’s made some sort of chastity vow that can only be broken when June gets laid. Because that happens too.

Before focusing on all the minor atrocities in this film, here’s the central problem: it has a really ugly message, namely that you have to be stunningly attractive if you want anyone to love you. This is obvious from the first ten minutes – as the sort of beast that doesn’t technically exist in the real world, June is quite clearly a beautiful woman (Christine Lakin, doing her best with a crap script) under a few layers of stage makeup.

As time goes by (prepare yourself for this), June has plastic surgery and her teeth re-done, along with a ton of other beautifying treatments which manage somehow to raise two contradictory questions. First: why hasn’t the character already done this in a context other than furthering this dismal narrative? And http://nouse.co.uk/2011/01/25/the-hottie-and-the-nottie Archived 11 Dec 2018 01:13:42 Nouse Web Archives The Hottie and the Nottie Page 2 of 3 second, what sort of awful people openly and obviously shrivel up their faces in disgust when they see someone ugly? Is this the society we live in – where anyone less than the apparent ideal of a braindead heiress most famous for doing porn has to be shunned and spat on? Actually, that’s probably about right. We’re doomed as a species.

Things from here are fairly formulaic – a braindead hunk to match Hilton’s braindead whore shows up, there’s some interpersonal tension, and eventually Nate lives happily ever after with the newly-beautified June, a woman who 80 minutes ago was making him retch.

In the periphery are an assortment of pathetic characters – a midget mime artist (who Nate punches in the face – yay, abuse!), a retarded albino stalker (yay… stereotypes?), and Nate’s best friend, Arno, a sort-of easy-to-despise version of Seth Rogen. The script is completely unfunny (though with occasional gems: “only a true romantic would keep their elementary school photo… that, or a paedophile”), the plot’s sloppy, and we’re treated with endless montages that scream “HEY! ISN’T PARIS HILTON SEXY! BUT, LIKE, IN A LEGITIMATE WAY, RATHER THAN THAT FREAKISH NIGHT-VISION BLOWJOB WAY? YEAH?” Seriously – there’s a scene where Hilton strips down to a bikini, and the camera spends about three straight minutes roving around her body, before finally resting on her stupid face.

There are some films that are so bad that they become brilliant, and depressingly, I think this might be one of them. The making of an awful cult film is a series of moments that leave you open-mouthed, going “wait – did that just happen? Did a sane human being think that would work? Did they not get the memo saying that whoopee cushions stopped being funny five minutes after they were first produced? Can it be possible that a sex tape featuring the same lead has more of a plot than this?” This is a film that begs those questions, and a ton more. Watch it drunk, you might even enjoy it.

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3 comments

The Answer 25 Jan ’11 at 10:25 pm

“And second, what sort of awful people openly and obviously shrivel up their faces in disgust when they see someone ugly?”

I have The Answer, and, unfortunately (brace yourself) The Answer is Paris Hilton. Unfortunately it seems moreso each day, month and year that Paris Hilton is genuinely someone who thinks like this and that this film is a legitimate summary of her entire political, philosophical, religious and moral belief system. I shall steer clear of this movie, I think.

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Switch off 25 Jan ’11 at 11:41 pm

Nice piece, but I only read it because of the picture… haha.

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Henry Cowen 26 Jan ’11 at 1:38 am

Hilarious piece. I quite fancy watching this, I love a ‘so-bad-it’s-good’ movie.

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