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Jewish Guide to Funeral and Mourning Customs

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Jewish Guide to Funeral and Mourning Customs A Jewish Guide to Funeral and Mourning Customs Introduction At no other time do we reach out more for wisdom, comfort and guidance from Jewish tradition than when we are confronted by death. So many emotions, some predictable, others unexpected, well up inside of us with a disorienting intensity. Even when the arrival of death is a relief from prolonged suffering or we thought we had prepared ourselves for the inevitable, we discover that the well of grief is deeper than we imagined. We Jews have a very distinctive approach to death, dying and bereavement. Judaism teaches that death is a natural part of life and something that reveals the preciousness of life. With its customs and practices, it helps us accept the finality of death in a healthy way. It encourages us to confront the reality of death and provides a structure with which to heal and find wholeness again. It gives us space to experience the full brunt of our grief and then nudges us carefully, patiently back into our everyday world. It shows us how to honor the memory of our loved one and how to act in the shadow of our loss when we feel so alone and so many eyes are watching us. This booklet is designed to help us answer questions and provide information about Jewish customs, practices and beliefs. The booklet is meant as a guide, not as the final word. It will not make death or coping with death easier. It will provide knowledge, which can be very helpful when the time comes for us to face this difficult period in life. We also hope it will encourage thoughtful conversation with family and loved ones. Our doors are always open, too. 1 1111 West Franklin Street Richmond, Virginia 23220-3700 804.358.6757 Bethahabah.org Planning ahead Wills It is critical for people to prepare a will. It provides for the orderly distribution of one’s assets and other special arrangements for one’s family. It also assists one’s loved ones in making important decisions at a difficult, painful and confusing time in their lives. The absence of a will can unnecessarily complicate their lives and may undermine one’s plans and intentions. The size of one’s estate has little bearing on the need for a will, and the advice of an attorney can provide guidance for making sure all of the details are properly considered. In addition to making a will, one should prepare a list with the location of important documents and information about other essential matters. It is preferable to make requests about funeral arrangements in a separate document and to make the existence and location of such requests known to a family member or lawyer. People may deposit their requests at the Temple, which will keep them on file and open them only at the appropriate time. When information about funeral requests is contained in a will, it may go unheeded because wills are often read after the funeral. Ethical Wills Besides bequeathing a material legacy, some people also pass on a spiritual and moral legacy in the form of an ethical will. In Judaism, the custom of expressing a lifetime of accumulated wisdom and ethical values, especially to one’s children, dates to the early Middle Ages. Living Wills and Advanced Medical Directives Jewish tradition encourages people to make known to their family, physician, lawyer and Rabbi their wishes concerning medical decisions in situations when they are unable to make them for themselves. At the same time Judaism insists that we actively pursue medical treatment, it also recognizes the challenges which can arise, especially at the end of life and with the use of modern medical technology. Most states have laws governing these situations so it is worthwhile to express one’s wishes with the advice of an attorney. In general, Judaism does not insist on prolonging life by artificial means when there is no hope for a cure and when it is interfering with the natural course of life and death. Judaism also prohibits actively hastening death by euthanasia. Balancing these two positions can be difficult, and the advice of one’s physician and Rabbi can be helpful in finding the best course of action. 2 1111 West Franklin Street Richmond, Virginia 23220-3700 804.358.6757 Bethahabah.org Planning ahead continued Prearrangements for Funeral and Burial While the conversation may be difficult, it is a good idea to discuss one’s wishes concerning funeral and burial arrangements in advance. Many family members want to follow the wishes of their deceased loved ones, and prior discussion makes that possible. Discussions may include preferences about funeral homes, location of the funeral, burial site, and even the contents of the funeral service. It is not unusual for people to purchase cemetery plots in advance. Most Beth Ahabah members are buried at the Hebrew Cemetery, the Temple’s historic cemetery at 5th and Hospital Streets. Information about plots at Hebrew Cemetery is available from the Temple’s Executive Director. There is no objection if burials occur in other cemeteries, but it is customary for Jews to be buried in Jewish cemeteries or sections of other cemeteries consecrated to Jewish burials. Above ground burial, i.e. in a mausoleum, while not common, is permitted in Reform Judaism. Some people also make funeral arrangements with a funeral home and pre-pay in advance. This may relieve some of the stress on family members at the time of death and ensures that most details will be carried out in accordance with the wishes of the deceased. The Rabbi is available to discuss funeral arrangements as well, especially the funeral service. Organ Donation Pekuach nefesh, saving life, is the greatest mitzvah in Judaism. In keeping with that, Reform Judaism encourages organ donation. Some people choose to make arrangements about organ donation in advance, e.g. with a designation on one’s driver’s license; others make their wishes known to family members and let them make the decisions at the appropriate time. Autopsies While Jewish tradition objects, Reform Judaism permits autopsies. Autopsies may provide important medical information to surviving family members as well as add to the body of medical knowledge. Autopsies should be done when there is a legitimate medical reason. Cremation While Jewish law prohibits it, Reform Judaism permits cremation. Reform Judaism encourages the burial of cremated remains either in a cemetery or mausoleum with an appropriate committal ceremony. 3 1111 West Franklin Street Richmond, Virginia 23220-3700 804.358.6757 Bethahabah.org When Death Occurs In Judaism, it is a mitzvah, called bikkur cholim, to visit and show kindness toward the sick. Families may understandably prefer greater privacy when a loved one approaches death, and people should honor their wishes. Even when visiting is difficult or impossible, people may express their feelings of support through messages of caring. Upon Learning of Death Judaism refers to this earliest stage of mourning, the period between death and the funeral, as “the time of tenderness” or aninut in Hebrew. The name suggests the distress felt by the family of the deceased and hints at the manner in which they should be treated. There is so much to do during this period and so little time in which to accomplish it that Judaism removes the family from all social obligations. It is one of the reasons why a viewing or organized visiting period are not Jewish customs and are strongly discouraged. Preparing for the Funeral After notifying family members, the next step is planning the funeral. One begins this process by notifying both the funeral home, which arranges for the deceased to be transported to the funeral home, and the Temple. Often a hospital staff person will contact the funeral home. The funeral director or a family member contacts the Temple to arrange the day, time and location of the funeral. The Rabbi disseminates the information to the Executive Director. When the burial is at Hebrew Cemetery, the Temple office works with the funeral director to make the necessary arrangements. The funeral and burial should take place quickly. Jewish tradition teaches that they should occur within one day although two and sometimes three days are customary. The reason for the delay is to permit distant relatives to arrive. Jewish funerals are not held on Shabbat or Holy Days. Most funerals consist of a service at the funeral home or, if the deceased is a Temple member, in the sanctuary or chapel at Beth Ahabah followed by an interment service at the cemetery. In some cases the entire funeral is held at the graveside. The Funeral Home Planning the funeral usually involves a visit to the funeral home, which handles all of the funeral and burial arrangements except for the actual service. The person who is the next-of-kin and who is responsible for making the arrangements should always be accompanied by a family member or friend. The funeral home leads the family step-by-step through all of the details, including how to place an obituary in the newspaper. By law, the funeral home must explain all its services and charges. 4 1111 West Franklin Street Richmond, Virginia 23220-3700 804.358.6757 Bethahabah.org The Funeral Home continued The funeral home prepares the body for most Reform funerals. Clothing should be simple and dignified. Some people wish to be buried in a tallit, or prayer shawl, and kippah, yarmulke or head covering, and with a pouch of earth from Israel. Upon request, the funeral director will instead contact the Jewish burial society, called the chevra kadisha, to arrange a traditional preparation that includes washing the body, wrapping it in a linen shroud, and staying with the body until the time of the funeral.
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