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Pornography Addiction & Betrayal Trauma Understanding PORNOGRAPHY ADDICTION &BETRAYALTRAUMA Second Edition AResourceforLDSLeadersandParents Prepared by Published by Forward Press Publishing San Antonio, TX rax™ 4c (dp) v2.1 (dp) 4c rax™ Copyright © 2011, 2017 All Rights Reserved Acknowledgments SA Lifeline Foundation This book is a compilation of information that represents Second Edition, First Printing 2017 thousands of hours of research and writing from many ISBN-13: 978-0-9819576-2-3 individuals, both professionals in the feld of sexual addiction Printed in the United States of America and non-professionals. All have extensive experience and expertise on the subject of pornography and sexual addiction and betrayal trauma. SA Lifeline Foundation wishes to express SA Lifeline Foundation is a non-proft 501(c)3 organization heartfelt thanks to those who have helped produce this manual. committed to providing hope, support, education, and Special thanks to the following contributors: Steven and resources for those impacted by pornography addiction and Rhyll Croshaw; Bryan Crockett; Linda Curley Christensen; betrayal trauma. SA Lifeline Foundation is not affliated with Jeff Ford, LMFT; Daniel Gray, LCSW; Katie Gustafson; Sam any religion or any organization. This publication is neither A. Hardy, Ph.D.; Derek Hegsted; Donald L. Hilton Jr., MD; sponsored nor endorsed by The Church of Jesus Christ of Craig L. Israelsen, Ph.D.; Jonathan Jensen; Rod W. Jeppsen, Latter-day Saints. LPC; Jill C. Manning, Ph.D.; Adam Moore, Ph.D.; Nathan and Becky Moller; Todd and Jill Moulton; Karen Porter; John Proceeds from the distribution of this manual will be used and Naomi Riding; Geoff Steurer, MS, LMFT; Dennis Tolley, to support the work of S.A. Lifeline Foundation, delivering Ph.D.; Ann Tolley, JD; Kathy Whitaker, RN; Kahi Winget; information and a message of hope that recovery from Daniel Woods, JD; and many anonymous contributors. pornography addiction is possible. We ask that you share this Sp resource manual as widely as possible. In doing so, you will ecial thanks to: Nathan D. Lee and Jessica Mockett for assist in the work of bringing key knowledge and understanding their generous contribution of the use of The Heart of the about pornography and sexual addiction to those who now Matter documentary. suffer silently and those who can best help them. Special thanks to: Jason S. Carroll, Ph.D. for his presentation of Safe Guarding Teens and Young Adults from Pornography. Front Cover: Journey’s End, by Derek Hegsted, used with Editorial staff: Bryan Crockett, Ed Brinton, Jonathan Jensen. permission. This powerful image of a man being embraced by Christ is a depiction of the power of the Atonement and the joy and peace of repentance. Note: Throughout this manual, masculine pronouns are often used when referring to those struggling with pornography. This was employed for the sake of simplicity and readability and is not intended to suggest that this is only a male problem. Women increasingly use and become addicted to pornography. rax™ 4c (dp) v2.1 (dp) 4c rax™ Contents Section Foreword DoNotDespairforThereIsHope. .v TheGameHasChanged...................................... vi 1 UnderstandingtheBasics ............................. 1 WhatisPornography? ........................................1 WhatisPornographyAddiction?. .1 WhatisBetrayalTrauma?.......................................1 5 Reasons Why We Use the Term “Pornography or Sexual Addiction” . .2 Pornography and the Brain: Understanding the Addiction . .4 Model of What a Sexual Addict Looks Like . .9 Betrayal Trauma: The Effect of Pornography on the Spouse of an Addict . 10 Short-termFirstAidforBetrayalTrauma. 11 Long-term Healing . 12 HowDoesPornographyUseAffecttheSpouse?. .13 HowDoesPornographyUseAffecttheMarriage?. .13 2 Recovery and Healing . 15 WhatBeginsRecovery?.......................................15 WhatDoesRecoveryInvolve?. .15 When is One Safe? When is One Cured? . 17 TheRecoveryPuzzle........................................18 1. Education . 18 2. Spiritual Guidance . 18 3. FindingaQualifiedCounselor. .18 4. Workingthe12-Steps.....................................19 Are12-Step Programs Effective? . 19 HowDo12-StepProgramsWork?. .19 RecoveryModels.......................................... 21 3 HowaLeaderCanHelp...............................27 Don’tTrytoFixIt..........................................27 BetrayalTrauma.................................... .......28 The Importance of Understanding the Impact of Pornography Addiction on the Spouse. .29 What are Specific Actions Some Church Leaders Have Taken to Combat this Problem? . 31 LetterfromtheSpouseofanAddict. .32 LetterfromaRecoveringSexualAddict. .33 LetterFromtheDaughterofaRecoveringSexAddict. .38 iii rax™ 4c (dp) v2.1 (dp) 4c rax™ Contents continued… 4 Questions and Answers (Q and A) . 43 GeneralInformation ........................................46 The12-StepProgram ....................................... 56 ProtectingAgainstPornography. .62 Do IHaveaProblem?........................................66 WhatAboutTraumatizedSpouses?. .72 Dating and Pornography. .....................................75 Leaders................................................77 5 Seven Personal Stories . 87 6 Tools for Parents to“Connect”. .........................101 1. WHY is it Important to Connect With Children?. 101 2. HOW Do I Connect With and Teach Children? . 102 3. WHAT Do I Talk About When Connecting With Children? . 104 4. Talking to Youth and Children About Pornography..................107 5.CreatingaSafePlacetoTalkAboutDangerousThings . 110 Beautiful Gift, Ugly Packaging..................................114 7 ConversationandLessonsIdeas. .119 A: Our Godly Potential . 119 B: The Importance of a Body and Gender in God’s Plan . 122 C: HealthySexuality........................................125 D:Pornography:WhatItIsandHowtoAvoidIt. 129 E:Sin,RepentanceandRecovery . 134 8 Handouts......................................141 9 Resources . .............................154 10 Bibliography . ...................................156 11 ABriefHistoryandOverviewof12-StepPrograms.. .157 iv rax™ 4c (dp) v2.1 (dp) 4c rax™ Foreword Do Not Despair for There Is Hope H. Dennis Tolley, PhD Given the rampant spread of pornography, it is easy The plague of pornography has become an intense to feel helpless against apparently overwhelming worldwide war between good and evil. The very odds. The children of Israel faced a similar sense of souls of God’s children are the prize. When we see hopelessness in the Book of 2 Kings.1 A Syrian king the expansive scope of this plague, it is easy to feel had invaded Israel. When Elisha’s servant arose one that we are but few and that anything we do is too morning and looked out over the city wall, he saw little, too late. the multitudes of enemy soldiers surrounding the city Because pornography has now entered even the and was overcome by fear. He felt certain that Elisha homes of the very righteous, it is tempting to would be captured and killed once the city walls were surrender to an overwhelming sense of despair. But breached. When Elisha saw the army and the servant’s the scriptures and the prophets have told us clearly fear, however, he spoke powerful words of faith and who will win this war. In the face of seemingly hope: “Fear not: for they that be with us are more than unbounded adversity, we need to remember that the they that be with them.”2 Lord’s armies are fighting beside us. Elisha knew that God was on their side and that the We are doing God’s will; we will prevail. As we take Almighty’s hosts were far more powerful than any active measures to become educated, protect ourselves, earthly army. At Elisha’s request, the veil was taken strengthen our homes, and appropriately help others, from the servant’s eyes and he saw an angelic army— we will receive the help we need. “They that be with amultitudeofhorsesandchariotsoffireawaitingthe us are more than they that be with them.” Lord’s bidding. God granted the servant a gift to see “the more” “that be with us.” 1: 2 Kings 6 2: 2 Kings 6:16 v Foreword The Game Has Changed Donald L. Hilton Jr., MD Even though airplanes had been used in World War I, how pornography causes a rewiring of the neural the United States seriously underestimated the ability circuits. The brain center that controls impulsiveness of air power in combat in the decades that followed. becomes supercharged, and the brain center for On December 7, 1941, at 7:02 a.m., at a small radar willpower shrinks. Those who have struggled with station on the northern side of the island of Oahu, drug or alcohol addictions, as well as pornography Privates Joseph McDonald and George Elliott noticed addiction report that pornography was the hardest alarge group of planes approaching from the north. addiction for them to overcome. They told Lieutenant Kermit Tyler about the planes. Bill Margold, a male pornography actor, said, “I’d When questioned by another soldier at headquarters, like to really show what I believe the men want to see: Lieutenant Tyler responded, “Well, don’t worry about violence against women. I firmly believe that we serve it. It’s nothing.” At 7:55 a.m., the bombing of Pearl a purpose by showing that.”2 Given that young males Harbor began.1 Air power thrust the United States into ages twelve to seventeen are the main group3 viewing World War II at Pearl Harbor and effectively ended pornography, we as a society have allowed Margold the war four years later when B-29s dropped the first and his co-conspirators to become the
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