Becoming Attached: First Relationships and How They Shape Our Capacity to Love
Total Page：16
File Type：pdf, Size：1020Kb
This article appeared in The Atlantic Monthly (February, 1990). It was subsequently expanded into an award winning book: Karen, R. (1994). Becoming attached: First relationships and how they shape our capacity to love. New York: Oxford University Press. BECOMING ATTACHED BY ROBERT KAREN The struggle to understand the infant-mother new combinations, and with debates r aging about bond ranks as one of the great quests of modern psy- the emotional needs of schoolchildren and the ad- chology-one that touches us deeply, because it holds vantages and disadvantages of day care, understand- so many clues to how we became who we are. I ing all this seems more urgent than ever. One group have a friend who does not want to be a father, be- of researchers and clinicians, known as attachment cause he fears he will be as emotionally stingy with theorists, claim that they've discovered some an- his child as his mother was with him. This dread, swers and are on the road to finding the rest. But that our character mirrors one of our parents', is very although they've dazzled many of their peers, alter- common, and the terrible certainty some of us have ing some of our most basic attitudes toward early that we will re-enact the worst aspects of our up- child care, their contributions have frequently met bringing with our own children is not only wide- with skepticism, opposition, or rebuke. spread but seems distressingly well founded. The In 1958 Harry Harlow reported a study that abused child does indeed often become the every student now learns of in Introductory Psych. child-abuser, and evidence suggests that many other Inspired by the pioneering work of the psychoana- behavioral and emotional tendencies are passed lyst Rene Spitz, who had shown that infants raised down through the generations. in foundling homes without handling or loving at- Theories to explain this unwanted inheritance are tention withered away and often died, Harlow, an plentiful. But scientifically verifiable explanations animal-learning theorist, devised an experiment with have been elusive. Indeed, until the past two decades rhesus monkeys. He took infant monkeys from their nothing could be said with scientific authority about mothers shortly after birth and raised them with two almost any dimension of the mother-child bond, let surrogate "mothers" one made of wire mesh, the alone how aspects of relatedness, good or bad, are other covered with terry cloth. Either "mother" could transmitted. The multitude of voices confuses not be equipped with a feeding nipple. Even when the only parents but also the judges and government wire "mother" was the only one providing food, the agencies that make decisions about young lives. infant monkeys became more attached to the ter- ry-cloth "mother," cuddling it, running to it when What do children need, at a minimum, in order frightened, and using it as a base (or explorations. to feel that the world of people is a positive place The experiment appeared to disprove the assump- and that they themselves have value? What experi- tion, common among both Freudian and social ences in infancy will enable them to feel confident learning theorists, that infant attachment to mother is enough to explore, to develop healthy peer relations, mainly a function of feeding. To rhesus infants at to rebound from adversity? What custody or fos- least, warm contact seemed more important. ter-care arrangements will best serve their emotional needs if the family should dissolve, and at what As persuasive as Harlow's study was, experi- point do we decide that a neglectful or abusive ments with monkeys can tell us nothing definitive mother is worse than a kind stranger? Which of us about human attachment. And given the restrictions are at risk of being parents who will raise insecure on what a researcher can do with human subjects, a children, and what can be done to minimize that more conclusive statement on the infant-mother risk? These are all questions of huge theoretical and bond seemed unlikely. practical interest. But a decade after Harlow began putting infant Today, with mothers spending less time at home, monkeys through a variety of extreme deprivations with families falling apart and being reshaped in in order to capture the essentials of mothering, Mary The Atlantic Monthly Becoming Attached Ainsworth, with much the same goal, was conduct- anxiously attached children were inconsistent, unre- ing experimental observations of human babies in a sponsive, or rejecting. The three patterns seen in Baltimore lab. Using a technique called the Strange laboratory observation proved directly related to the Situation, Ainsworth embarked upon a longitudinal way the babies were being raised. study of attachment during the infants' first year. In The importance of the Strange Situation was an approach that was extremely unusual at the time, not immediately apparent when Ainsworth's article researchers closely observed mothers and children in describing her research was published, in 1969. But their homes, paying careful attention to each her findings marked the beginning of a critical shift mother's style of responding to her infant in a num- in perceptions about infancy and child rearing, set in ber of fundamental areas: feeding, crying, cuddling, motion a prolonged debate that divides infancy re- eye contact, and smiling. At twelve months the in- searchers to this day, and signaled a revolution in fant and his mother taken to the lab and the infant the field of developmental psychology-the branch of was observed as the mother was separated from him. psychology that studies the processes by which we During two intervals a stranger was in the room; progress from infancy to adulthood. Before Ains- during another the baby was alone. worth, numerous methods had been devised to Ainsworth spotted three distinct patterns in the measure conceptual and cognitive development. babies' reactions. One group of infants protested or Many of them had been introduced by the Swiss cried on separation, but when the mother returned, psychologist Jean Piaget, who showed the steps by they greeted her with pleasure, frequently stretching which a child's mind grasps the complexity of his out their arms to be picked up and molding to her world. But almost no procedures were available for body. They were relatively easy to console. Ains- assessing or measuring an infant's social and emo- worth labeled this group "securely attached." tional development - certainly none at this level of complexity. Although real-life experiences were She labeled the other two groups "insecurely" or widely assumed to shape personality, no one had "anxiously" attached. One group of anxious babies, been able to demonstrate exactly which experiences called "ambivalent," tended to be clingy from the mattered. Ainsworth, at a stroke, changed all that, beginning and afraid to explore the room on their and in subsequent research she and her followers own. They became terribly anxious and agitated laid siege to much of the received wisdom of the upon separation, often crying profusely. An ambiva- field, offering new explanations of how our inner lent baby typically sought contact with his mother world is developed and organized and what all this when she returned, but simultaneously arched away means in terms of security, personality, and future from her angrily, resisting all efforts to be soothed. relationships. The second group, called "avoidant," gave the In succeeding studies attachment researchers impression of independence. They explored the new found that without intervention or changes in family environment without using their mothers as a base, circumstances, attachment patterns (armed in in- and they didn't turn around to be certain of their fancy persist. At age two, insecurely attached chil- mothers' presence, as those labeled securely attached dren tend to lack self reliance and show little enthu- did. When the mother left, the avoidant infant didn't siasm for problem solving. At three and a half to seem affected. And on her return he snubbed or five years, according to their teachers, they are often avoided her. problem kids, with poor peer relations and little re- Without the painstaking observation that had silience. At six, they tend to display hopelessness in come before, Ainsworth's findings would have been response m imagined separations. Reliable, statisti- relatively insignificant, no more than a demonstra- cally verifiable information like this-about what in- tion chat babies reacted differently when separated fants need in order to feel secure and how they are from and reunited with their mothers. But because likely to feel and behave in later years if they don't Ainsworth's team had observed each of these get it-had never before been available. mother-child pairs for seventy-two hours over the Parents, too, were examined. Mary Main, a for- prior year, they were able to make specific associa- mer student of Ainsworth's and now a professor at tions between the babies' attachment styles and the the University of California, Berkeley, found ;hut mothers' styles of parenting. Mothers of securely the way parents remember and organize their own attached children were found to be more responsive childhood experiences is a powerful predictor of to the feeding signals and the crying of their infants, which attachment group their children will fall into. and to readily return the infant's smiles. Mothers of This was the first research bolt to show intergenera- 2 The Atlantic Monthly Becoming Attached tional transmission of secure and insecure attach- The day-care issue has been the most explosive ment and to attempt to distinguish between adults (see "Babes in Day Care," by Ellen Ruppel Shell, who have retained the negative legacy of their child- August, 1988, Atlantic).