Crimson Bull

THE CRIMSON BULL Price 25 cents Graduation Issue The Magazine for Indiana University I TRIED MANY DIFFERENT Champion BRANDS-CAMELS Outboard Racing Driver ARE THE CHOICE OF EXPERIENCE He holds the world's record for WITH ME! Class C Outboard Motorboats- 57.325 miles per hour for 5 miles! 1947 winner of the famous Albany- to-New York Outboard Marathon. "In 12 years of outboard racing, I've found that 'experience is the best teacher,'" says Vic Scott. "And that's true in choosing a cigarette, too. Through the years, I've tried many brands. I've compared them- for mildness, for cool smoking, for flavor. I learned from experience that Camels suit me to a T'!"

R. J. Reynolds Tob. Co.. Winston-Salem. N. C.

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ALL OVER America, more people are smoking Camels than ever before. Millions of smokers have found by experience that Camels suit them to a"T. Try Camels yourself. Compare Ad them - for mildness, coolness; for rIlk T full, rich flavor. Let your "T-Zone" - that's T for Taste and T for Throat-tell you why Camels are the "choice of experience."

According to a Nationwide survey: indep nd*e nt"rar"" organizations asked do t oro to than " , 6 1 13.,5 97 nameth cigarette they "' More doctors Dxwrs Csmked..-Sff 106 named Camel than any ------t-ther brand. THE CRIMSON BULL

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EDITORIAL STAFF ADVERTISING STAFF CO-EDITORS...... Bennie Graves and Bill Terhune Solicitors Layout and Art Assistant Editors.-...Doan Helms, Jr. and Val von Bob Patterson Jean Frantz Steinberg. Joanne Smith Joan Janda Contributing Editors Harriet Turner Marilyn Fuller c ,Stan West Bill Negron Phil Buecher Business Robert Wanderman Don Campbell Dick Dye Chris Hinkle Fred Corts Ed Binai Charles Robinson Betty Demo lMerrill Pollinger Sy Mallis Bob Beaty Carolyn Lucas Sara M. Toyein Ken Geiger CIRCULATION STAFF J. C. Haberma n Eli Adams Co-Managers-...... Kay Brown and Ronnie Duncan Crimson Bull Executive Board Supervisors...... Jackie Saunders, Si Kaufman Irwin Boretz Doan Helms, Jr. and Phil Lux. Don Campbell Jack Pressley Representatives-...... Dick Dye, Bud Rudd, Dan Bill Dyer Robert Wanderman Chambers, Jim Jordan, Mote Turner, Phil Lux, Carl Foster Stan West Norm Pearson, Bob Brown, Hershel Stroyman, BudWharton Jay Collins and Phil Buecher. Faculty Adviser--.....------John E. Stempel Photography Adviser...... James Mahler OFFICE STAFF Promotion...... - ...... -...... Doan Helms, Jr. Manager ...... ------...... Phil Ratliff BUSINESS STAFF Staff-...Bobbie Bowden, Coe MacKenzie, Betty Lou BUSINESS MANAGER...... ------...... Bud Wharton Bryant, Pat Center, Doris Jean Sells, Betty Dun- Assistant Business Manager...... Jim R. Johnson can and Barbie Holder. Advertising Manager...... Jim Ford Assistant Adv. Mgr.....------..Jack R. McCormack Mailing...... ------...... Les Powlen and Don Eucher

What with sheepskin time upon We plied him with a dozen or completely, deciding that what with us once again (well, upon a few of so Redeyes (gin bucks plus a dash a couple of hot major league pen- us anyhow) the weary but indus- of grenadine), his favorite bever- nant races to chew our hangnails trious Bull has been pawing and age, and he finally broke down over, and a couple of hot political snorting :around in a rather vain and told us that sheepskin is a conventions in the offing to stew attempt to find whereinell this combination of two old English over, we couldn't fool with the quaint expression ever came from. words, sheep, meaning the time sheepskin business after all. Who The Bull regrets to state that his Aunt Edna went berserk in a Terre started this anyway? research on the subject has not Haute gin mill, and skin a con- Speaking of beautiful women been as thorough as he would like traction of the surname of Horace (we weren't, but it's high time to it to be, unfortunately. But then, Skinner, composer of that famous he adds, he's had a lot of weighty wartime hit, I Lost My Heart at get started), there has been a lot of things on his mind lately. Like the Folies Bergere. loose talk floating around usually Union reliable circles that the Wellhouse the Sanskrit proficiency and This, the Bull admitted, was as (you know, that little building that bridge tournaments. far as his research got before he burns lights all night long) chased off to Chicago in search of would The Bull confides, however, that an old female friend, who he be re-named Kinsey Hall. This his study of the sheepskin prob- learned was in town for a snake seems plausible on the face of it, lem (and it is one hell of a prob- charmers' convention. but Jackson B. Pressley, who lem, come to think of it) has made sounded the cry heard round the it necessary for him to interview Just how the two words ever got campus (the cry: Let's Name the more odd people than Kin- together would have us completely Buildings) says no, that he's agin sey ever dreamed of. Matter not for the fact snowed if it were this move. He's given up this cru- of fact, the Bull seemed a little that there are a hell of a lot of sade, in fact, and is now heading more articulate on the subject of strange bedfellows in the world as the pinball the people he had interviewed than it is. a movement to name he did on the material he had gath- machines, instead. ered. We finally dropped the subject CRIMSON BULL REPRESENTATIVES

Lois Moran Art Day Marge Hartman Jack Murray Dee Bennett Martin Hill Tommy Van Ives Tom Graessle Jo Justice Al Walker Sue Anderson Harry Shoenberg Anabeth Sherdy Dick Thompson

Elaine Butler Rudy Harrison Doris Wilkenson Marge Beard Barb Goldsmith Audrey Elman Gene Fahr Phyllis Templeton Don Pendagast Dottie Ray Mason Plank Mary Lou Kuhn John Plamp Wanda Koontz Hugh Harrison Rosemary McDonald Joe McQuiney Gloria Thomas Mary Sicker Jean Molling Mable Kuster Garret Cope Helen Iswald Del Woodcart Joann Brown Dick Gallette Bernice Ivy Russ Seyboldt Jane McEntee Don Nickelson Complete line of Jan Bennett Barney Brooks Photographic Supplies Helen Price Ed Cronin and Lee Bozarth Equipment for the amateur and professional The CRIMSON BULL is published monthly during the college year photographers by Sigma Delta Chi Publications, Indiana University, Bloomington, Indiana, from contributions by the students of Indiana University. Copyright by Sigma Delta Chi, Indiana University. All rights re- served. All communications should be addressed to SDX, Union Buildings, Indiana University. Printer: Graessle-Mercer, Seymour, Indiana. National advertising representative: W. B. Bradbury Co., 24 HOUR PHOTO SERVICE Inc.. 122 East 42nd St., New York City, N. Y. Subscription price, $2.00 per year; single copies, 25c.

THE CAMERA CENTER 424 E. Kirkwood THE CRIMSON BULL 3

Sex? t/ha, Ale?

Being a startling inside-the-inside expose of the perils in looking for shortcuts. By Sy Mallis

I remember the day quite clear- the Sex Life of Female Rice Kris- ly, because it didn't rain. Un- pies at the Indiana Home For the wittingly, I had cut through Bi- Harmless, so wise up and play ology Hall on what I thought was ball." a shorter route from Nick's to the Being easily swayed by this Pigalle. Of course I had heard scholarly remonstrance, I decided of the doings of Prof. Kidney, but to change my policy. all this research and sex what-not "Question 2," he said, selecting too deep for my beer- was much a beige pencil. "How old were dulled brain. you when you were born?" As I ascended the steps of Bio "No," I answered unhesitantly. Hall, two eunuchs of medium build He looked up at me over his assaulted me, and before I had a trifocals and sneered. Then he chance to utter MAZAHS (shazam made a mesmeric pass at one of backwards), I was searched for my guards, who promptly pulled any concealed wire recorders and aside a curtain which revealed an then deposited in the inner sanc- elaborate system, easily tum of Dr. Kidney (& staff). All discern- able as the Chinese Water Torture. around me were fragments of cast- off fraternity pins, the significance "O.K., O.K., I'm convinced," I of which did not strike me until said. "I'll be a man about it." some time afterward. "Aha," he snapped, "definite signs of pseudohermaphroditism! "So you want to be inter- Tell me, son, do you have pains?" viewed?" a voice behind me said. I mumbled something unintelli- "No, I chew Feenamint regu- gible, which he said of course larly." could be used against me. Re- The doctor furiously began writ- signed to a fate worse than death, ing with both hands. I reclined in the soft, mahogany- "Boy," he said, "When did you hewn stool. Dr. K. made ready a first learn about-?" stack of 79 pencils (all of differ- "You mean sex?" I inquired ent colors) and sat down at his blandly. desk. The eunuchs took up a posi- The eunuch cuffed me squarely tion immediately adjacent to me on the other ear. and gazed into space with a clearly rehearsed air of unconcern. My "We never use that word!" heart pounded as he prepared to I was hurled back to my youth, ask the first question. Seeing that back to those sublime days when there was no escape, I decided to our boyhood clique used to sit in play it safe and answer "yes" to the gutter in blissful comraderie, every question. pondering such worldly problems "Are you a male or a female?" as the potato crop in Southern he queried, selecting a magenta Baluchistan. It was then that I pencil from his stock. first learned - life. My dearest "Yes," I mumbled incoherently friend, Comrade X (his first name and was immediately cuffed round- was really Henry, and we called ly on the ear by the more robust of him X because that was his last the eunuchs. name), could always be heard en- treating me with plaintive tones, The doctor laid aside his pencil "Buster, get out of the gutter, and (magenta), removed his monocle, come down in the sewer with me!" took a pinch of snuff, and said in I would follow in blind faith and a fatherly voice, "Look, Mac, an- in the confines of the sewer, our other kid came up here once and home away from home, we would answered 'yes' to every question mull over the latest French post just to find out what the next one cards . . was. He's now binding books on (Continued on Page 7) I4t THETH CRIMSON-IMSON - BULLBULL The Last Round up . . . or a prescription for nerves. By Sara Toyen

Except for two weeks of every picture, do not let your morale be just test his students on the ma- year, college life is great. Then broken. terial covered since the last class the blows fall-FINAL Week! Not Once it is apparent that there quiz. This type of final requires wanting to take advantage of the will be no earthquake or other no more exertion than a regular students, the faculty releases exam miracle to head off the impending exam. Give it no more than its 4 schedules weeks in advance. Or disaster, it is time to make a plan due! is that the reason? of proposed study. What subject, Perhaps the call to a bridge To know about an exam four or when, where, and with whom. This game was too good to turn down. five weeks in advance just gives depends a lot on individual apti- It is deplorable that most finals the student more time to worry tudes and tastes. High on the list are well proctored. This eliminates about said ordeal. More time to of preferred locations are the the chances of receiving a few fret, try to dig up previous quizzes, quarries and Cascades. Never let hints from neighbors. One must buy the textbook, and in general, it be said that a student failed to cope with the situation personally. go about having a nervous break- kill two birds with one stone when- Shirt cuffs can come in handy. Or down. Thus do professors wage ever possible. At the quarries one a few well-crowded slips of paper get a suntan, and a terrific type of psychological may keep cool, in a pocket. A wonderful method warfare. also study. Cascades is closer to of cribbing is to have notes written town, but (sigh) no swimming. on the desk before classes end. In However, the ax has fallen, and To combine social activities with fact this is the best place to write all that is left is to try to prepare one's cramming, the Main Library if one must take notes. Finally, for the worst. Let us take a hypo- is recommended. A fine place to if all other methods fail, just trust thetical case. Gloria G. is taking see and be seen. For really in- to luck and good guessing. six courses. Tough luck, but all tense concentration, just throw The six of the profs are giving finals. your room mate out and lock the following information is re- served for Gee-Gee has been praying for door. This is advised for only the those who are interested in hitting weeks that they will be well spread last hours before each final. a three-point average. out. What happened? Three the Each hint is highly specialized and first day, and three more the sec- The book is open. The notes most successful. ond day. The problem now is- spread out. And someone is 1. Psychology and sociology are how to read six textbooks in two screaming, "Fourth for bridge!" 50 per cent common sense. Learn one but a Resist the temptation. Fight brave- days. (Naturally no the statistics and names involved ly. Always buy secondhand books. moron would start studying before and that is it. final week actually began.) Then you can just skip through and read someone else's under- 2. Advanced mathematics there is the other side of Then scoring. This saves much time courses usually have open-book Sally is taking three the picture. and energy. After a brief perusal exams. Learn where all the for- five-hour courses. She had hoped of above-mentioned underlines, mulae and tables are located and early to attend a to be through turn to the notes you copied index the margins. wedding. Result: Two on the earlier. If they follow the book 3. Essay tests last day, and one the day before. can only cover a closely, throw away the text. It few highpoints It would have been nice. of the course. Study is useless. Or else discard the only what the prof has emphasized Enough of this though. The notes. Either will suffice; why most in class. real problem ahead is how one is waste time on studying both? 4. Never change to get through the torture without After this decision is made, read an answer on a true-false or multiple-choice ending up in an institution. The the selected fare twice hurriedly exam. First instincts main thing is to relax. Yogi would and rush to the exam before lapse are usually the right ones. be helpful, but there are other of memory has time to set in. (Exception: When both neighbors disagree ways. Try a good movie, a play, with your A genuine problem exists if the answer.) or anything that will keep you mean professor has not followed from sitting at home and worrying. 5. Always fill the blue book, his textbook. Then it is necessary and Or even worse, actually hitting the start another one. This shows to scan both. Divide your time That would only result in interest and effort, books. equally. When the first half hour if no knowledge. eye-strain, headaches, and a fur- has passed, drop the book and 6. Try to be the first ther realization of how much there person to start on the notes. This way it is leave. This is sure to upset the is yet to learn. It is recommended possible to get a scanty knowledge others trying to concentrate. that one give the brain a rest be- of both sides of the course, and fore working same overtime. A So do not give up hope. The also to hope that you may possibly person with a strong constitution curve may be low. Who knows? just hit what is going to be asked. might even try a week in the In- Some person might have even firmary. No matter how dark the A truly wonderful educator will studied less! THE CRIMSON BULL 5

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"These beastly little brats are getting under my skin!" 6 THE CRIMSON BULL 6 THE CRIMSON BULL WILLIE THE WHEEL By Val von Steinberg

Willie dangled one leg over the The shirt he had worn all week Nothing except his car key. Last edge of the bed as he groggily was hanging on the bed post. He night had really cleaned him out. peered at the clock. He flopped put it on, buttoning it as he walked "Let's go eat," he said to Bob back and pulled the sheet up over over to the dresser. There was a as he walked into the other's room him. It was 11:45; too late for large rip down the front, right be- without knocking. Bob always had his morning classes and too early low his Beta Chi pin. He ran a money. for the afternoon ones. comb through his hair. Taking Bob, who had been tilting back An hour and a half later, he his new pod from the bedpost- in a chair cleaning his finger nails, eased out of bed. His head ached. he'd been initiated into the Stinx let the chair come down with a He ran his tongue over his teeth, Club the night before-he placed thud as he stood up. "Gad, what tasting last night's beer and cig- it on his head, twisting and turn- hit you?" arettes, and groaned. From the ing it to get the right angle. He "Didn't take my vitamin pills. chair, he pulled a pair of slacks finally decided that it looked best Come on, let's go." that had been carelessly thrown pushed over his right eyebrow. They walked across the street there about 4 a.m. that morning. With another look in the mirror to the restaurant and joined the He pulled them on, catching his to see the effect, he was satisfied. rest of the Beta Chi's at the back toe in the cuff and ripping it out At the door, he stopped. He table. Susie was sitting with the even more. "Damn it," he mut- was hungry. He dug his hands boys and whispered something as tered. into his pocket. No money. (continued on Page 22)

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V 7,o / THE CRIMSON BULL 7 THE CRIMSON BULL 7 Ode, 1948 Oh pity the poor Exchange Editor, The man with the scissors and paste. Oh think of the man who must read all the jokes, And think of the hours he wastes.

He sits at his desk until midnight, How worried and pallid he looks. As he scans through the college comics, And reads all the funny books.

This joke he can't clip-it's too dirty. This story's no good-it's too clean. This woman won't do-she's too shapely. This chorus girl's out-it's ob- scene.

The clips must be clean for the mother, The clips must have sex for the boys, The clips must be packed full of humor, Or the editor raises a noise. BLI BRASSIERE CO., INC New York. Chicago . Los Angeles O pity the man with the clipper, He's only a pawn and a tool. purpose of all this so-called scien- genius!" He smiled and, as he did so, he In trying to keep his jokes dirty tific information?" shoved a copy of his and clean "When these years and years of book out with his foot. He's usually kicked out of work are done, my boy," he said, "That's all, son. You've been school. breaking his trifocals with the a great help." -Dodo. thumb and index finger of his left "You mean I can go?" I said, hand, "the entire report will be unabashed. condensed to eight lines in Read- "Yes" he replied, and immedi- SEX? WHO, ME? er's Scope under the title, 'Sanskrit ately the eunuchs teamed up and (Continued from Page 3) the Easy Way'." heaved me out of the window. I I nudged one of the eunuchs picked myself up and stumbled on reverie was interrupted by a My who had carelessly fallen asleep.. to Pigalle. The hell with short- moan from the torture cham- low "Doctor" I said, "you're a cuts from now on. ber. In the half light of the two Roman candles that illuminated the room, I made out the figure of a man stretched out on the rack. "Who is that?" I inquired non- WILLIAMS JEWELRY STORE chalantly. "My publisher's agent," the doc- On The Square tor said, and spat. "He was fourteen cents short with this month's royalties." Watches Silver Suddenly, the doctor whipped out a worn tape measure. I Diamonds cringed in modesty and terror. "Will you kindly measure your China Gifts hang-nail?" he said. I almost a wise retort, but remember- made FORTIETH ANNIVERSARY ing my bruised ears, I thought better of it. "Dr. K." I asked, "what is the 8 THE CRIMSON BULL 8 THE CRIMSON BULL KISS AND TELLS A drama in one act, suitable for production by Hollywood, B'way, or Kindergarten Little Theatre groups. By J. C. Haberman Cast of Characters MAJOR X: How gorgeous they We discover our gay revelers in ROSCOE G. TELLS, aesthetic ex- look in the moonlight, with their a blissful state. They are recount- traordinary and home brew ex- smooth, velvety skins and plump ing the night's experiences in low, pert. Adviser to the Amorian contours. boastful tones. Military Government in Alle- (So help me, his tongue is out SENATOR: Waal, yes, Majah, it's magne. a foot.) a fac' that we raise 'em just as SENATOR SOWDEMO, a way ROSCOE (licking his chops greed- plump an' tantalizin' in mah down, low down gentleman, suh. ily): Hmm, yes, but enough of home territory. But Ahm forced MAJOR X, bon vivant and dealer that, gentlemen. Plenty of time to admit that these hyah ones in the black market. to feed fat on the objects of our have a quality that is plumb SEVERAL BOON COMPANIONS, passion, to rip the tender beau- hard to beat, namely, the soft, ties from their warm, dewy beds pink, mealy texture that - wal properly inebriated. when we have surmounted this suh, if Ah wasn't so satisfied SLOBBOVIAN SENTRIES last obstacle to our feverish de- Ahd be tempted to have another CERTAIN EXQUISITE SPECI- sire. go at 'em. MENS (At this, some of the boys are ROSCOE: Indeed, gentlemen, it THE TOP WIRE quite ready to clear the fence with has been a night of pleasure fit The play is in one lewd act and sprightly grace, but think better of for the gods. Jupiter himself two highly suggestive scenes, with it on considering their p o r t l y must never have feasted on more an epilogue thrown in to add zest selves.) scrumptious, to resort to the to the whole. SENATOR (steps awkwardly be- vernacular, delights. But it is SCENE I tween the barbed strands which getting late and we must tear The scene is laid somewhere at Major X, fawning, holds apart (Contiue on Page 23) the crossroads between the Amor- for him): Oh Mammy, hyah ian and Slobbovian sectors of de- come. (Hustles off into the Krautzified ahh, ahhh, oh hell- night.) Germany! The time is ripe and ROSCOE: One at a time, gentle- For MALT in pregnant with possibilities. If the men, and please be quick. It elements were so disposed, it might has been entirely too long since its best form rain. If they were pleased to ex- I have tasted of these Exquisite pend a little more effort, it might Specimens. shower beer or giggly gin on our (The Boon Companions contrive little drama. somehow to slip through the fence, As the curtain rises, the itinerant not without severe damage in the university president, Roscoe G. shape of large holes ripped in their Tells (the G is expressed as when breeches and considerable loss of flabbergast) is startled while con- dignity, to say nothing of decency. versing with Several Boon Com- .They are followed closely by our panions next to a section of barbed hero.) wire fence. They are contemplat- ROSCOE: Fellaaasss, wait for ing climbing through the fence. meee- Some of the party are evidently a (The ardent group reaches its bit tipsy, and pocket flasks are goal severally and finds the Sena- occasionally whipped furtively to tor feverishly at work, satisfying I eager lips. his gluttonous craving to the very ROSCOE: Now if one of you boys zenith of his rare ability and stam- Tip a Few will just hold the strands apart, ina. The boys then emulate him I'm sure that we can all sneak with amazing rapidity, like a pack aN through without being caught, of hungry wolves. Soon nothing and think of the juicy prospects can be seen of them but an oc- that lay on the other side. casional back rising above the N ICK'S SENATOR: Why, suh, it faihly moist foliage. They grunt softly makes mah mouf dribble to con- with pleasure.) template those deelicyus, temp- SCENE II (91b Engott17 tin'- But The place is the same. It is the (And does he drool, like the hushed, misty period just before 423 E. Kirkwood Phone 5029 damned southern pig that he is.) dawn. A heavy dew has settled. THE CRIMSON BULL 9 THE CRIMSON BULL 9 Eating Unetiquette By Eli Adams Nothing turns a person's stom- it full force. Both hands are used of fine mess hall pasturage. Little ach more than horrible table man- in the process. This way he con- does he know where the stuff comes ners. And where do you find serves energy and makes use of from. these manners performed? At a every moment of masticating time. After each mouthful our char- table, of course. During this operation his forearms acter quietly sips his tea, holding There are many types of table never leave the table. His head it daintily between the thumb and manners displayed, but let's just meets the fork half way. This also forefinger with the immaculate lit- use three categories so as not to conserves time. tle finger fanning the breeze wav- discourage Emily by making her The kicker comes when he looks ing at a friend at the next table. think that her work all these many up to see who is seated next to With this position of the little years has been in vain. him. He lifts a glass of milk to finger, he shows that he is avail- First, there is the type of guy, his lips and raises his eyes and able for any donut pitching con- that gives the impression that he peers over the outer ridge to see test that might come up. His left is in a hurry and does not want to his neighbors. During this act he hand is daintily folded in his lap, be seen eating. He'll come to the never raises his face more than catching the gravy drippings, and table, set his tray down gently so three inches from the plate. In he has an innocent smile for every- as not to shake any aroma off the this way the guy can smell the full one that passes his table. fragrance food, and when he has himself of the chota hazri and His conversation is light, so light rigidly seated, he clamps both fore- not lose any of its delightful es- in fact that friends have given him arms squarely on the table and presence, drink his milk, and smile the name of "Agnes." pares for the big drive. at the dopes looking at him. They all talk about the junior Armed with a knife in one hand The next type is the slow, cau- bird man who likes to have his and a fork in the other, he starts tious man who deliberately tastes room at the table. When he sits to shovel it down. Never taking every bite, showing everyone that down, all of his retractable gear time out to say a word, he goes at he is the world's finest connoiseur (Continued onPage 22)

THE IICCSI [IL IEUT IS NOW SERVING IFUJI For DIFFERENT and ENJOYABLE ENTERTAINMENT Come to BLOOMINGTON'S

NEW RESTAURANT - ARCADE

1. Music in the Juke Box 3. Fortune Telling Machine 2. All of the Newest Pinball Machines 4. Many other amusements 5. New machines added at your request. Dr. A. C. Kinsey, author of that book on sex, receives the Leather Medal as the most out- standing professor on the I. U. campus from Doan Helms, Jr. (How did he get in here again?) at Sigma Delta Chi's annual Gridiron Banquet.

The 1948 Junior Prom committee and The Queen pose during the festivities. From left to right: Marion Tarr, Independent; Jim Toy, Sigma Chi; Lois Cortelyou, Independent, The Queen; Doan Helms, Jr., chairman of the Prom; Beverly Murphy, Sigma Kappa, and Sheldon (Shamrock) Steckel, Independent. THE CRIMSON BULL THE CRIMSON BULL 1111 The Wife of the Party By Vada Smith

The shuffle of confusion poured in a hole in this hyar rock. He It's war then. Synchronize your through the open door. Henry, the ain't borned yet, and I'll be watches. What time is it? electric eel, chief bouncer and so- damned if he's going to grow up Monday afternoon. cial outcast, of Carp-Grove-in-the- a Communist. your bat- Swamp-Bottom, flashed Okay. Everybody, man warnings Time's wasting. To heck with the over the tle stations. radar set above the bar. kid. We gotta find the Wife or The Reds are coming. Jeepers! The Reds there won't be any more kids. are coming, over and over. Two young carp hovered over a The Reds are coming! Clea-a- Clear the town! Clea-a-arrr dead barracuda, each with a hack the arrr the town! yelled the bartender. town! yelled the bartender. Make saw in hand ready to drop the Wife-? way for the Reds, durn their hides. But, the mess on the head of the first lousy She isn't here. Not anywhere. Red that appeared. Three more Somebody grab the wife. Fer We got to go. This way, boys. He manned an octopus. Fourteen the luvva Mike! Where is she? turned into the barroom. He was swarmed into the bar for rein- Mike replied, Last I saw of her followed. forcements. was last September. That was A small group of adolescents It's war! We came for rein- enough! gathered and whispered indignant- forcements. Anybody want to joi- Anybody seen the Wife around? ly under the lamp post. i-What's that? Beer? Nope, not lately. Jeepers, fellas. Are we going to Son, anybody old enough to Nope. Would you help me load let this happen to us? Here we are. fight for us is old enough to get my fish hook collection for evacua- Nearly men now, and what good a drink when he wants it. Have tion? will it do us without the Wife? one. Go to hell. Hey, fellas. The Jeepers, fellas. We could stay Aw-w-w-Don't mind if I do. Wife's gone. here and carry on guerilla war- Someone said with a wry sense fare. A small school of fish soon gath- of humor. At least your mother Besides, ered around the bartender, who being the Wife, she's isn't going to complain Ha! She'll our mother. stood all omnipotent in his fish net It's our duty, by never know. apron. Each Jeepers. carp cast a bewilder. (Conitiniuedoni Patge 26) ing glance around the others and gasped. She's gone. She can't be gone. Didn't the Professor Katzenbugel drill her at length on the duties of a female fish in the inert season? Wasn't she taught the dangers of a de- creasing population? As one voice, the cry arose, Yes! We must look for her, the bartender cried profoundly. Yes. We must look for her. We must find her, cried a chorus of voices. Find who? shrilled a youngster. The Wife, you dumbo. The Wife. Who's that? That, my son, is your mother. Oh. Hither, thither, and yon. Fish under the barnacled bed post that someone had dumped in the Grove. Fish fishing through amoeba beds. Fish rushing here; fish rushing there, picking up scat- tered belongings in their search. One old carp codger was seen with his eight children lugging a huge piece of coral. Whatcha got there, Mr. Bells?

Now once upon a time there did reverence, Jeez, what a character. gnash his teeth. So great was his dwell in the village of Podunk a Yea, verily, he did make like unto anguish and remorse that his fra- youth named Shrdlu who did a rod. ternal brothers were forced to hold hanker greatly for learning. This Alas, 'tis said he did oft-times him, lest he do unto himself bodily desire grew so strongly within him plunk down his hard earned shek- injury. that he did enroll in Indiana Uni- els in exchange for foamy, amber Even as he boarded the night versity so that his wish might soon liquids. Huge callouses did de- train to Podunk he was seen still be fulfilled. Therefore did he velop upon his elbows. Anxious to rend his hair and call himself place himself in bondage to his friends he did brush aside with all manner of vile and evil names. beloved father and the Bill of caustic phrases such as, Drop But Shrdlu's cup of G. I.'s. misery was dead. not yet full - 'tis said his father Diligently, for three and one- Truly, he did neglect his studies did likewise. half years, he did labor and sweat not entirely, but sufficient it was and thriftily husband his shekels. that his grades did greatly suffer. Many a man has made a monkey During this period of penance he He had thought it mattered not. of himself by reaching for the did truly distinguish himself and Yet, when did come about a final wrong limb. his fame did become wide-spread. reckoning, his peers did see fit -Syracusan. His fellow-students did strive him not to graduate, and, forsooth, mightily to seat themselves near so low was his tally that they no "Did the doctor mean it when him at time of test. longer his presence wished at all. he said you wouldn't live a week Instructors were seen to display Then did the Bill of G. I.'s take if you didn't stop c h a s i n g somewhat their dentures with pride upon itself to disaffiliate with him women?" when he did honor them with his likewise. "I'll say he did-I was chasing presence. When report of this was brought his wife." A fraternal order of Mugwumps to Shrdlu then did he groan and Record. did see fit to initiate him into their clan with fervent pomp and cere- mony. Greatly did his fanny smart. Shrdlu then was filled with joy AND GHT SPOTS and did exclaim, Oh, you brain ADHOW TO GET OUT OF 'EM you! You're in, you're in! Thus it came to pass that as he did enter upon his final semester he did place his order for graduation invitations and suitable garb for so great an occasion. Often he was seen his bunk to lie upon with dreamy eye. Then fair visions did come to him of a degree printed on skin from sheep with his name in large and skillful lettering. Boy, oh boy! he exulted, wait till the lugs back in Podunk cast their glimmers on that baby. 'Tis sad to relate, but the lugs did never see the child. For Shrdlu, perceiving that the end was near, did cast discretion aside He proves he's your Best Friend by lending you his and take upon himself to have best tie, but there's almost an amity calamity when one fling before his quest into the he sees you with his best girl. Don't pale. Just hand world. Obvious it did seem that some handy little Life Savers all around. There won't no harm could now come if he did be tension worth a mention. Delicious! but relax a bit. Then was his gentle face seen often at all manner of social func- tion, and the fairer sex he did woo with great diligence. He was heard to make unseemly noise and jest. Onlookers did whisper in THE CRIMSON BULL 13 ... +. .. pI

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/1 THE CRIMSON BULL s 14

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Visitor at Asylum-Do you Guest: Just straight ginger ale chug and hoot and toot and whis- have to keep the women inmates will do. tle and wheeze and howl and clang separated from the men? Host: Pale? and growl and thump and clash Attendant - Sure. The people Guest: No, just a glass. and boom and jolt and screech here ain't is crazy as you think. -Log. and snarl and snort and slam and -Columns. throb and roar and rattle and hiss Coach: What's his name? and yell and smoke and smell and Why, mother, what makes you M a n a g e r : Ossscowinsinskie- shriek like hell all night long when think it was cold out on the porch wskz. I come home from a hard day at last night? Coach: Put him on the first the boiler works and have to keep team! I never did like The Daily the dog quiet and the baby quiet I heard you tell your boy friend Student, anyway. so my wife can squawk at me to keep his shirt on. about how I snore? -Spartan. The professor rapped on his Yours, deskand yelled, "Gentlemen, or- Oswald Schmergeldurgle. Waiter, what is this? der!" It's bean soup. The e n t i r e class shouted: ENDING I don't care what it's been, what "Beer!" ALL is it now? "WAITER, THERE'S A FLY IN MY -Log. Beggar: "Have you got enough SOUP" JOKES money for a cup of coffee?" Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! Prof: What are you late for to- Student: "Oh, I'll manage That's all right sir, it won't day? somehow, thank you." drink much. Frosh: Class, I guess. OH SPINACH! Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! -Covered Wagon. It wasn't my fault. I wouldn't That's quite all right, sir, it can have taken the date, but Harry's swim. The automobile motor began to girl liked her and wanted to see Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! pound, and finally stopped. The her get around. I didn't have any worried boy friend said to his com- That's all right, sir, it's not hot excuse and they bought my ticket panion: I wonder what the knock enough to burn him. the Senior Siwash. could be? to Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! Maybe, said the blond girl When she came down the stairs It will be all right, sir, if you'll I shuddered. I grabbed Harry. friend, It's opportunity. strain the soup through your or -Ski-U-Mah. She was dressed in lavender teeth. something, her slip showed decid- Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! edly, her dress was low in the A census taker asked the woman Well, what ya want me to do- back, and I could see her skinny, many in your at the door: How bare shoulder blades. Her hair put a zipper on it? family? was corn color, and she wore Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! Five, snapped the answer. Me, horn-rimmed glasses. I might add that it's a Droso- the old man, kid, cow, and cat. She liked me, of course, and phila melanogaster, sir. And the politics of your family? made passionate love all the way Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! Mixed. I'm a Republican, the- down to the dance. When we It's flies to me, gnats to you! old man's a Democrat, the kid's danced, I held her away as much Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! wet, the cow's dry, and the cat's a as possible but I couldn't prevent You see, sir, our cook used to be Populist. her knees from knocking mine. -Whirlwind. a tailor. On the way home she said she Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! liked my car better than hers. I Are you a college student? Not, so loud, sir, everybody'll asked her what kind of a car she want one. No, a horse stepped on my hat. had and she said a Packard con- -Frivol. vertible. I wondered what busi- Stoodent: Let's cut classes and ness her father was in and she said take in a movie. Did you pick up any French he was president of a big bank in during your furlough in Paris last Omaha. In June we were married. Second Stooge: Can't do it, old month? man, I need the sleep. A LETTER I'll say I did. The Moron and Purdue R. R. Co., People who are going steady Let's hear you say some words. Pittsburgh, Indiana. find it takes an awful lot of pin I didn't learn words. Gentlemen: money. -- Frivol. Why is it that your damn switch engine has to ding and dong and Song title: "Since I've lost my Scene: Cocktail Party. fizz and spit and pant and grate glasses-I wonder who's kissing Host: Highball or Martini? and grind and puff and bump and me now. THE CRIMSON BULL 17 THE CRIMSON BULL 17

son's son also lived peacefully and The Curse o the happily till they died of old age. And so it went for six generations. Rumpletwits, The seventh descendant of the One fine spring afternoon in the old baron, Luther Rumpletwit, was early years of the 18th century, a handsome lad, popular and well Baron Rumpletwit was spurring liked by all who knew him. He his roan mare down a shadowy was brave as well, and had no fear path on his country estate. Sud- of the dire curse of the Rumple- denly, a gypsy woman, old and twits. In fact, he hadn't even picturesque, appeared from the heard of the dire curse of the underbrush and grasped his bridle. Rumpletwits. The baron casually tossed her a Luther Rumpletwit, too, died of shilling. old age. The gypsy was sore as Only a shilling? screamed the hell. hag. Only a shilling? Curse ye for -Lampoon. your parsimony, Baron Rumple- twit! Curse ye and your son and your son's son, and every man- The teacher was explaining the child born in your castle to the difference between "abstract" and seventh generation! The gypsy's "concrete", pointing out that con- curse be upon ye! crete is something that one can see while abstract is something that The baron paid no attention and can not be seen. cantered cheerfully home. Little he did dream of the future that was "Now," she said, "Willie, give in store for his descendants. From me an example of something con- then on the castle was mantled crete." with the dread shadow of the "My pants," piped Willie. curse of the Rumpletwits. "Correct; and now something The baron lived on to a con- abstract." tented old age. His son and his "Yours," said the prodigy.

Sonnets From The Bloominguese

I sat alone, and through the window pane I watched the rain come beating 'gainst the glass. I wondered if the wetness soon would pass And if the sun would soon shine forth again. I wondered if the knowledge I would gain By splashing through the water to my class Three blocks away could possibly surpass The grief I'd suffer walking through the rain. As I sat pond'ring, in my mind arose This thought: if Noah in his ark had sailed Here, seeking land the water didn't fill- "Have a pack of Dentyne. It's fine If he had sent the dove out, I suppose That he'd have realized soon his search had failed When the bird returned with rain boots in its bill. 18 THE CRIMSON BULL 18 THE CRIMSON BULL

ReImeme4 the /o4d Idh? By The Editors

We were nosing through our Dear Mr. Blotso: P. S. We don't like to be nasty files the other night and found We have considered your appli- but since your last visit, we have some old issues of the Bored Walk. cation and regretfully wish to in- also missed 14 salt shakers, 21 beer The Bored Walk, you know, was form you that at present our posi- mugs, 1 sandwich toaster, 1 electric the I. U. college mag back in the tion of head beer taster is filled by fan, and 25 pounds of ice. middle '30's. There was an arti- Mr. Guzzlesdrip, a man of some cle in the May, 1935, issue that es- experience in the field. Should a Dear Mr. Blotso: pecially struck our fancy. We de- vacancy arise, on the basis of your Your watch and fraternity pin cided to pass it on to our readers fine qualifications, we will immedi- will be sold, if not redeemed in so they could see what college ately notify you. ten days. humor was like back in those days Belcho Brewery. Abie's Pawn Shop. 13 years ago. Here 'tis. . .. The girl who used to go to the Dear Mr. Blotso : Letters in the Life of A Senior city and stop at the YWCA now Our records show that you Feeling curiosity on the subject has a daughter who goes to the checked out one complete military why seniors city and stops at nothing. receive so much mail, uniform in September 1932. This Private Agent 48 after rifling one has not been returned. We cannot day's letters received by J. Her- Many a nurse knows how a find any evidences of your attend- man Blotso reports these epistles as patient feels without asking him. ing any military classes. Will you follows: help straighten the matter out? She: "Do you mean to say you Dear Mr. Blotso: Military Department. are worried just because you took We will consider it a favor if a blonde away from a drunken you will drop in and pay us the Dear Brother Blotso: party?" $1.50 owed us on account. You Your name has been suspended He: "I'll say! The drunken will recall that you sent a corsage from membership in Nu Theta be- party's sober now-and he's look- to a Miss Appelsbiff in November cause of failure to pay dues since ing for me." 1932. (31st notice.) October 1933. Get-Yur-Gal Flower Co. Supreme Executive Treas. Nu Theta. Dear Mr. Blotso: Your library fines now amount Dear Mr. Blotso: to the sum of $4.30. Credits are Being fair-minded about the withheld until the same is paid. IJIANA SHOPS thing, we are willing to buy back Librarian. from you our towels. Will you please send us an estimate quoting Are the places to Dear Son: price per gross at which you will Received letter stop Just how sell. Shop many times a year does this Ar- Mountain-Breeze Hotel. butus come out stop It seems an unnecessary expense stop Can you Dear Blotso: for moderately priced do without this last issue stop. We give up. Where did you hide Dad. that other table? Feminine Wear Palms Cafe. and

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'Twas Commencement m o r n . was it the night before? But they afternoon became hot, the speak- The half-cocked crew . . . oops! mustn't! Not yet, I mean. That er became long-winded, the grad- . . . the cock half crew, half croak- is. . . . uates became impatient, the A.B. ed his reveille to the slumbering You can see (if you can't we're became a reality, and some seven world. Gertie Graduate awoke sorry, but the mag isn't printed in hundred university seniors became with a start, only it turned out to braille) that Gertie was one wor- a national problem. be the house mascot. She bounded ried kiddy. Here she was on the Back in the sorority house again, out of bed like the little dear she threshold (that has nothing to do Gertie said, Well, Ethel, it's tonight was-her papa had the dough- with wrestling) of a new life be- or never. and descended the stairs of the yond Joe spots and merit systems, Peter Peegee, Gertie's man of dorm. When she reached her room and her college life wasn't quite the last several moments, arrived in the Mu Mu house (the sisters complete. were all cats) she found her room- at the portable hospitals-'scuse it Ethel, she confessed (her mother mate Ethel, a gorgeous red head, -at the hospitable portals of Alpha was a McFadden) I had a peculiar there ahead of her. Ethel was only Chapter of Mu Mu on the stroke of dream last night. I thought I was a poultryman's daughter, but she eight. With all the originality of an old maid. I take that for an was a mighty smooth chicken. the clan of Peegee, Pete suggested evil omen. Trust a Mu Mu to find that they celebrate Gertie's last Darling, said Gertie, do you a word with men in a case like date of her college career by going think they are really going to that. to a show. Owing to a trip to the graduate me? I wouldn't worry about that for Dusty Star afterwards and other Yes, responded Red Crown another year yet, replied Ethel. such incidentals, the clock was just Ethel, I don't see how they can And don't give up hope yet; the chiming twelve when Pete brought avoid it. day isn't over. her up to the door. Oh, calories! stewed Gertie, or Morning became afternoon, the (Coninued on Page 2-5)

"What did you make in Corp. Fin?" 20 THE CRIMSON BULL 20 THE CRIMSON BULL He: "Gosh, you have a lovely Bait: Paw's the best shot in the Visitor at insane asylum: "How figure." country. do you know you're Napoleon?" She: "Now let's not go all over Wolf: What does that make me? Inmate: "God told me." that again." Bait: My husband. Second Inmate: "I did not." -Banter. -Covered Wagon. She: "For goodness sakes; use Chaplain: "My man, I will al- No. 1 on the Wolf Parade: "I'll both hands." low you five minutes of grace be- be seizing you in all the old famil- He: "Can't. Gotta drive with fore the electrocution." iar places." one." Condemned Man: "Fine, bring -Covered Wagon. -Banter. her in." -Ranger. Professor (to class): "There's Upper Crust: A lot of crumbs a young man in this class making held together by their own dough. Midshipman (at basketball a jackass of himself. When he is -Log. game): "See that big substitute finished, I'll start." down there playing forward? I -Tomahawk. Manager: "What's this big item think he's going to be our best on your expense account?" man next year." Nurse: "I think that college boy Salesman: "Oh, that's my hotel Drag: "Oh, darling, this is so in 312 is regaining consciousness." bill." sudden." Doc Miller: "Yes, he tried to Manager: "Well, don't buy any -The Log. blow the foam off his medicine." more hotels."

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I __ _ THE CRIMSON BULL 21 THE CRIMSON BULL 21 The Last Time I Saw Paris Green Our boy Pollinger, on the verge of graduating from this here institution, takes one last parting shot at the jernt. By Merrill Pollinger

Ah, the Gridiron Banquet! Now is the time when all seniors them. I applied for a commission Everybody that was a rod got a are interviewed for jobs. Inter- and explained how talented I am. bid. My bid came by special mes- view, that's French for - are you I don't know what happened to my senger, it wasn't exactly a bid - a rod and who do you know in the application but I get fan mail what's a restraining order ? And company? I showed one interview- from a janitor. And my fan mail the price per ticket was very cheap er my scrapbook and told him is picking up - a post card came - I'm writing with my left arm how terrific I was. Sure enough, pouring in last week. If the mail now. Everybody had a number ac- my scrapbook is working for Swift doesn't stop I'll have to get an- cording to his rank on campus and and Company. Eli Lilly said they other cigar box. After my nice re- that was the way the place cards had just the position for me, it marks about sororities somebody were arranged. I won't say what fits my personality. What's a sup- sent me a lovely bouquet of flow- my number was, but from where I pository salesman? ers - I was out when it exploded. sat the speakers' table looked like Who's worried about the future? The Crimson Bull has a new office a hyphen. -me. The Army calls. I passed one now. It's a lovely room and as Fellows sitting around me were of those signs that says Uncle Sam soon as we get the mops out we hungry. You should have seen Wants You and Uncle Sam can have a dance. Every now and the first three courses - I didn't. dropped his eyes. We really don't then it gets crowded when the ele- I stuck out my hand for the need a draft. In case of war all vator comes down. Sigma Delta salt, and it came back as the the veterans will be happy to re- Chi is right across the hall and all third course. I noticed one guy enlist. And the Army can find them the talk is about the Mann Act, and working on my shoe with a knife easily, the woods will be full of (continued on Page 22) and fork. I told him he couldn't eat it and he said, too late - I got gravy on it. They really ate fast. It was the first time I ever saw sparks fly from a knife and a fork. Really the meal was the finest eight-course dinner I ever had, seven baked beans and a finger AT LAST I'VE FOUND bowl. Bicarbonate was extra. Everybody had the same dessert except Lyman Smith - he had a aBetter Dry Cleaner sundae sprinkled with aspirin. Happy INDAC. After the Banquet they started He Sews On Buttons . .. Gets Out More the Razz. It was so crowded one Dirt . . . Removes guy couldn't raise his arm to cut Stubborn Spots . . his throat. Therawards were given out to some grand men. When Dr. More and more discriminating people are demanding our Sanitone Service. Notice how your garments Kinsey received the Leather Medal, come back with the "feel of new-life" all of the rods stood up and Dr. in the fabric-no loose buttons Breneman looked so fine in his -no dry cleaning odor. Discover for yourself the advan- Brown Derby, I tipped my neon stages of Sanitone Service. So call us now or, if you prefer, hat. When the award for the out- bring your garments to us. This fine serv- standing journalist was given out ice costs you nothing extra, and note, I applauded like crazy, in fact the press lasts longer. there were tears in my eyes. Any- body want to buy cheap an unused acceptance speech. CLEANERS About this time they asked me to do a little something on the LAUNDRY stage, so I did and they threw me HOME out. Lincoln at 3rd Phone 6344 All in all the Banquet was mag- nificent; in fact, the skits were so good two men were carried away by it all. 22 THE CRIMSON BULL 22 THE CRIMSON BULL

"Thank you, Admiral Byrd," Willie grinned, picking up his a check. "Got a dollar, Bob?" "How about "Nope. Just fifty cents to cover my check." "Well, that's nice," Willie said. The three of them were walking toward the door. "I haven't got a cent." He yawned, too tired to take his hands out of his pocket, so that his words were muffled. "Sure you haven't got a dollar? Need ninety-five cents to cover this." He waved the check carelessly back and forth. "Honest, Willie, I haven't." Bob was embarrassed and Willie noted, amused, that Bob looked like he had walked into the wrong john. Willie shrugged his shoulders and leaned against the cash regis- ter, moving a toothpick noncha- lantly around between his teeth. Susie had paid her check and turned back to them. She put her hand in her pocket and pulled out a dollar bill. She raised one eye- -COCA-COLA BOTTLING CO. - BLOOMINGTON, IND. brow, shook her head, and offered EATING UNETIQUETTES WILLIE THE WHEEL it to him. (Continued from Page 9) (Continued from Page 6i) "Thanks," he said, taking it and is unfolded and as a result we have he pulled out a chair. They all handing it to the cashier. a conglomeration of legs and arms. laughed and stood up, bowing, Susie walked out the door. As He gives the impression that he is "Willie the Wheel," they howled he waited, he saw her going down in his final phase in winning his between laughs. the steps. He walked to the door. wings. Everyone likes him be- "At ease," he said, sitting down "Hey, wait a minute," he called, cause he tickles them when his across from Susie. "What's for "you've got some change coming." elbows punch his neighbors in the chow?" ribs. "Well, we peasants ate the This same guy has the habit of ham . ." LAST TIME I SAW playing "footsie" with the person "Chopped up baloney," Bob cor- PARIS GREEN sitting across from him. The guy's rected her. (Continued from Page 21) arms and legs are spread out over " . . . but a wheel like you," how it will affect Campbell and floor to not only personally shake Susie said, mockingly serious. Graves. hands and rub knees with everyone "I suppose I could stoop to it," The new movie taken on the I. but to be able to seize everything he said. U. campus is a smash hit; you on the table. This type of indi- The waitress brought his food, know, State of the Union. vidual reminds you of Sherwin- and he began to eat, only half The Senior Siwash was its usual Williams paint in that he, too, cov- hearing what Bob and Susie were gay time. All the seniors smiled ers the earth. He waits for no one saying as they quipped back and bravely as they thought about when he eats, and gulps things forth. "Got a cigarette?" he asked working for a living. Place was down as if this was to be his last Susie. mobbed, what crowds, what hilar- meal. After the first two mouth- She gave him a disgusted look, ity, what pickpockets, what com- fuls, all spices and seasonings are but pushed the pack toward him. petition. Somebody asked me who at his end of the table, just in case "Have a good time in Bedford?" that lady was that I was with last he needs them. Chances are that she asked. night. I said that was no lady that he will never use any, but he ap- "Listen to the kid," Willie said. was Doan Helms, he always walks pears important anyway. "Steady there." He tilted back in like that. his chair and wrinkled his fore- There are more, but to go fur- My date took me to Nick's after head so that the pod moved up ther into detail, they would be too the dance. Somebody lost the bot- and down. The rest of the guys nauseating to describe, too appall- tle opener so I used my girl's had drifted off one by one, leav- ing to witness, and too foul to teeth. All she eats now is Pablum ing just Bob and Susie. read. But here is a bit of second- and Sweiback. And when it comes hand information - most divorce Susie laughed. "You ought to to paying a check - I can't stand suits start at the breakfast table, take your new pod down and im- to see a girl pay a check, so I so shape up and watch the food go press the girls next time." waited outside. And on our way down. "He doesn't need a pod to im- to the dorms we passed a gas sta- press them," Bob said. tion with a sign that said "We Fix THE CRIMSON BULL 23 THE CRIMSON BULL 23

Flats." As my eyes lit up, my girl cape with his prize. Accordingly, I know. I guess she he strains himself in a gigantic ef- r said I know, ,. wonders how the light in my eyes fort which is almost, but not quite ' can be on and the rest of my head sufficient.) off. She's my dream girl-say THE TOP WIRE: Twwaanngg! what you will about Freud and (And there is our hero, suspend- you're right. ed ignominiously from his breech- Usually graduates receive sheep- es by the barb wire, looking very skins from the University. They're crestfallen, indeed, still holding not giving me a sheepskin; the fast to the biggest, fattest, WATER- dean will just look at me and say, MELON you ever saw. Now the Baaa. Yessir, and it will be like sentries are upon him.) seeing an old friend when they 1st SENTRY: My, my, and just hand out the sheepskins. Seniors what do you think you are do- have been pulling the wool over ing up there, big boy? people's eyes for four years. And ROSCOE: Ahb, blub, bub dabbit now that the time draws near for -OH, HELL! can me to leave Bloomington, I 1st SENTRY: I see. Well, just only say that unless somebody puts come along with us, old butter starch in my beer it will be diffi- ball, and we'll see if we can't to keep a stiff upper lip. cult find a nice, quiet place in which you can recover from last night's orgy. I don't quite get what KISS & TELLS you are mumbling, but the same BRIDGE WATER (continued from Page 8) to you. MOTOR SALES ourselves away from all this. (They lift Roscoe off the wire, (Suddenly, two armed Slobbov- take the watermelon into custody, Qur ian Sentries appear on a ridge and and lead off our sputtering, pro- open fire.) testing hero, prodding him now 1st SENTRY: Haltsky! and then in a tender section with 2nd SENTRY: Spiesky, sabotage- the caressing tip of a bayonet.) sky! You had really better give ROSCOE (muttering): Yumpff, sputter, blurb-Crimson Bull- yourselves up, gentlemen. 115 E. 6th Street Phone 6316 (They give chase.) those guys, believe me, play ROSCOE: Good heavens! My de- rough - university president - corum, my prestige. Oh, the never live it down. OH DAMN! shame of it! And how will I (Continued on Page 25) ever explain this to the editors of the Crimson Bull? Believe me, those guys will verbally hamstring me. Run, gentlemen, flee! (The flushed troupe sprints indi- vidually to the fence, diving and crawling through it with frenzied effort. The angry barbs wreak their vengeance and are soon tuft- ed with bits of cloth, skin, and blubber. Now all but Roscoe have made good their escape. He looks behind him, measures at a glance the distance between him and his pursuers, and decides to chance carrying off the most delectable specimen immediately available, perhaps with the intention of transporting it with him to the safety of his apartment in the Amorian sector, there to dally with it in undisturbed ecstasy. Roscoe cradles the lush object lovingly in his arms and dashes toward the fence. He feels the hot breath of his pursuers on his back and realizes that he must clear the fence in a single leap if he is to es- "Look here, Shelby, neither of us is getting nowhere fast." 24 THE CRIMSON BULL

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"Really, Cadwalder, ij you don't like me, you don't have to be so damned obvious about it." THE CRIMSON BULL 25

Put Your Money on Nimrod By Loy Baxter Reprinted from the May, 1936. Bored Walk

(Editor's note: Once you get ever, he was undaunted, and pro- KISS & TELLS started reprinting stuff from ceeded to build a bigger and bet- (Continued from Page 23) the good old Bored Walk, it's ter outfit. This gigantic piece of 1st SENTRY: I hope you're tak- automobilery was concocted by hard to stop.) ing this down, Ivan. Such lan- personally. It was made Nimrod guage. Keep moving, bristle- When the 33 speed-wagons line possible by the bottom from an lip. up at the Indianapolis Speedway abandoned ferry boat, the motors Epilogue on May 30th, there will be one from two cocktail mixers, three An embryo journalist reads an gent who will be a top-heavy fav- pairs of roller skates and a pup Amalgamated Press dispatch as it orite to cop the crown. That lad tent. In its first time trials, this comes off the wire: is none other than Nimrod Cylin- super-colossal machine attained der, breeze-burner deluxe and all- the terrific speed of 1412 miles an " . . President Tells, who was around flat tire. It is a known hour going down-hill with the recently caught filching watermel- fact that racing fans everywhere wind. ons in the Slobbovian sector and are betting their hard-earned shek- Hence Nimrod is all primed to subsequently arrested, has been els on the radiator-cap of his cop the benzene derby-that is, if officially forgiven. The Slobbovian speedy benzene mount, the Miss the warden will let him out for a government today extended its offi- Piston Rodd III. That is to say couple of days. cial pardon to this eminent indi- that there are at least three dollars vidual through the Military Gov- bet on him. Nimrod is just the LOVE IN A STRAIGHT ernor of the Amorian zone. type of fellow that you could trust JACKET "So that it might not seem in- to haul away your ashes. His gen- (Continued from Page 19) ordinately gracious on the part of tle open face strikes confidence in Gertie, he said suddenly, would the Slobbovian government to drop the hearts of all who know him, you wear ..- the matter without imposing pen- even though they do instinctively Yes, urged Gertie breathlessly, alty, it should be noted that the feel for their wallets. (hurry, Pete!) watermelons in question were Would you wear a red tie with grossly overripe, causing severe Cylinder's experience on the a pale lavender shirt if you were gastronomic discomfort to the said tepid bricks is one that would put I? Mr. Tells, who, it is reported, to shame such lads as Barney Old- in- Gertie gave a little yelp and then field and Sir Malcolm Campbell, sisted that he be shot at the hear- sank into blessed oblivion. Her ing to end his suffering. It is evi- who also drive race-cars, to say college days were ended and she dent that the Slobbovian officials nothing of Uncle McSnarph who had never, never annexed a frat light of this drives a milk wagon. Many are considered, in the pin. suffering, that any further sentence the feats which our hero, Nimrod, MORAL: He saw it in Esquire. would be a travesty on justice." has performed. At one time he de- -by Jane Dillin, '37 fied danger by driving from Potts------ville to Cowlick Crossing with the - - windshield laid back and with the right front door-handle broken. FOR THE FINEST IN FURS - There is no stopping that dare- devil. Nimrod's name will go down in history while Nimrod will go down to the first tavern he can find. Cylinder always has driven. He drove an ice-truck at ten, a bicycle at eight and when but a mere tod- dler, drove his mother insane. As a fitting climax to his adolescence, his father drove him away from home. Owing to the fact that he was distinctly adverse to walking, Nimrod decided to become a race *OIENGTON i driver. Since no one could pass our hero, he won every time. How- ever, some one became suspicious, Complete Fur Service and the narrow-minded officials disqualified the young genius, 431 E. 10th STREET PHONE 3404 nearly breaking his heart. How- I ------\ 26 THE CRIMSON BULL 26 THE CRIMSON BULL

THE WIFE OF THE PARTY Scouts were sent out from the Minister (at a funeral): (Continued from Page 11) Grove to scout around. One saw "Friends, all that remains here is their great, hoary mass of bodies the shell; the nut has gone." Dead silence fell. Each beer glass crouched low around a dying bon- bubbled with great salt tears. fire. He went home and reported She took my hand in sheltered Well, someone put in bravely he saw them very occupied-pick- nooks, We came for rein- after a while. ing lice off each other's backs. She took my candy and my books, forcements, didn't we? Lice! The Wife never could She took that lustrous wrap of fur, later, the far off Fifteen minutes stand the lousy things. She took those gloves I bought for heard. Havoc din of battle could be We'll be an epidemic of them! her. ran wild in the barroom. Henry, Lice in our happy homeland ! She took my words of love and flashed the electric eel, no longer Never, so long as I'm here! care, radar signals. His last message Let's get out! She took my flowers, rich and rare, will long be remembered. He said, Okay. Clear the town. Clea--arrr She took my time for quite awhile, Wife can't Buck up, old boys; the the town. She took my kisses, maid so shy- be too far away. First a n o t h e r round. Fists She took, I must confess, my eye, A cheer went up. Henry was pounded on the smeary table. She took whatever I would buy. exile later captured and sent in Voices sang lustily. So, drink chug- And then she took another guy. into Lower Slobovia for kidnap- a-lug, chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug, and -Anonymous ing the bartender's youngest in a drink- panic-stricken moment. Someone in the corner began to Well Dressed Man, Cigar in Fifteen minutes later, havoc sing, I want a gal, just like the gal, Hand, Falling Through the Air the barroom. again ran wild in that married dear old Dad, with from an Airplane: "Gad, that leaflets drifted A mass of printed great tears in his drooping eyes. wasn't the wash room after all." into the front door. The next morning dawned. To More of that danged propa- no avail. Not a creature was stir- Soft, the new love tells his lies, gand-y, said Mr. Bells. ring. A casual visitor might per- And ah, he tells them well; Don't touch it! It's Red hot! chance wander aimlessly into the Demurely, I turn down my eyes-- Fourteen fish were clownishly bar and be quite taken aback. For Alone, I laugh like hell. on the bar. performing a can-can what he would see is not what one The Reds -Log. The Reds are coming! would expect to see in a self-re- a tiny voice are coming! screamed specting carp colony, assuming this doors. from under the swinging one to be self-respecting. First of Who wants to join the Navy? all he would have to wade through dear father, come home Father, fourteen prostrate bodies lying face with- down in a carpet of red and white your beer. Shut up and drink leaflets. On a second glance, he Wanta join the Navy, son? would notice a faint stir. Fourteen Get away from those swinging pair of fins covered fourteen pair like a bat doors. Like a tornado, of bloodshot eyes. Fourteen sag- TAYLOR'S out of hell, like Mighty Mouse, a ging mouths emitted strange mut- outside squadron of fourteen shot terings. Fourteen tails stretched into the dazzling sunlight. limply across the sprawled papers I'd love to join the Navy, but which read: I'm only three and a half years YOUR WIFE HAS JOINED THE old. Will the Waves take me yet? GRILL PARTY. Sure, sure. This is war. They'll WE HAVECOME TO take any-huh? What? Huh, hell, Pop. Pay attention. ARRANGE A CONFERENCE. You didn't say Waves, did you? Make It Sure. Natch, Pop. You're a girl fish? Nbatch. FUNNIES WE My Gawd! How old did you say YOUR you were? HAVE STOLE Why? Oh, nothing. Just don't tell any- I feel rotten in the morning body else what you just told me. When I'm standing at the sink Rendezvous! Just be a boy fish for a while, I squeeze the toothpaste on my Okay, kid? My Gawd, a girl. brush The Reds, a great, hoary mass "Dawgone-the thing looks pink!" of them, swept into the Grove. The -BRG first were met with a barracade of 327 S. Woodlawn decayed barracuda. The great, She: "My dad has a hobby of hoary mass made a hasty retreat, taking things apart to see why muttering gutteral sounds that they don't go." sounded strangely like, Mmrp He: "So what?" grumpinsky fluskyl stinking place. She: "So you'd better go." I THE CRIMSON BULL 27 THE CRIMSON BULL 27

lost chord in Romey Gauze's Play- For-Drinks Sextette, who, at the THE DESERT SONG moment were playing a revived By Sir Roger de Coverly version of "My Father Takes Num- bers Blues" in be-bop. was a wonder- cut plug. We went on talking. Beresha Sexdrive "So long, 'ya old jerk," she ful girl. Beresha Sexdrive was a "My name is Gutstrain La- roared. Sexdrive was nuts! Hernia," said I, "and your's?" lady. Beresha I was happy. She had spoken is how it But I loved her and that "Beresha," she blurted in a first. pass that I am now work- came to breath that strongly resembled a "So long, Beresha. I am glad as a camel currier in Sahibi's mixture of mildewed herring milk- ing to have met you." And then she and feasting on Drive-In Oasis ers and orange-flavored vodka. was gone-down the gutter sewer. llama flanks and boiled breadfruit. "I regret having awakened you I stood above the sewer and lis- But I am getting way ahead of my- but the street cleaners will be along tened as she descended rapidly into self so let us see how I came to be soon. what I might call a stinking situa- driven to this jackpot of trouble. "Shut up, ya old jerk," she an- tion. From the depths came a I first met Beresha lying in the swered. splash and then a muffled gurgle gutter in front of Lem Onpeel's We walked slowly along the gut- that seemed to say, "Shadd' up, Joint on Azuza's lower east ter-her limp was less noticeable Juice 'ya old jerk." side. Her head was resting lightly that way. As we reached the cor- upon a portable cushion made ner I offered her my arm and The next day the papers printed from second-hand buffalo chips. cringed as she grabbed it in a the story of how Beresha Sexdrive, Her wax ear was slightly moist. quarter-Nelson. an Azuza sand hog who worked as It was hot that day. Even her "May I buy you a drink?" I sewer cleaner, had been found wooden leg was s p r o u t i n g ventured. floating down Mugwump Creek. branches. Ah! but she was lovely "Shadd' up 'ya old jerk." In an adjoining story it mentioned lying there. My heart did a three- I shrugged off her slightly the fact that a surprise epidemic of rail carom mache as I stood above friendly reply and massaged my beri-beri had been traced to the her and rolled her over with the lifeless arm. local waterworks. tip of my ski-boot. "May I see you home?" I tried Sad at heart, I left town. She yawned, stretched, and open- again. Yes, Beresha Sexdrive was a ing her good eye, looked at me. "Shadd' up, 'ya old jerk." wonderful girl. Beresha Sexdrive "Hello," I cooed softly. I was getting frustrated. Her was a lady. Beresha Sexdrive was She arose abruptly and offered attitude was so indifferent. We nuts. And that is how it came to me peanuts. walked on - how long I do not pass that I am now working as a "Whadda' ya want, you old know-when, suddenly, she stop- camel currier in Sahibi's Drive-In jerk?" she inquired. ped beside a gutter-sewer. She re- Oasis and feasting on llama I offered her a pinch of snuff leased my arm and the crack was flanks and boiled breadfruit. and she returned the offer with heard seven blocks away as the 28 THE CRIMSON BULL 28 THE CRIMSON BULL

THRILLING GOOD LUCK STORIES NO. 5,253,646

AINiNTHG TS ROOM MAKES !T LOOK S0 NICE !'M SORRY ! DIDN'T DO THE .J08SOONER

Fraternity Jewelry

* PINS * RINGS * KEYS

Quality Workmanship by The Maxwell Lang Co. of Indianapolis

Indiana Universitys Representative is BUD GARDNER 316 E. 7th Street Phone 4619 Here's the character study (and we do mean "character") that dragged down two iron men for Mauro Montoya of Univ. of New Mexico:

Our own inimitable Murgatroyd (better known to his intimates as "Meathead") was discovered a few days ago carefully holding a large bucket beneath a leaking As the late, great Gertrude Stein might We pay only for those we print. Yes, you faucet. Naturally he was asked the reason. have said-but didn't-"a buck is a buck collect a rejection slip if your masterpiece "Duuuuh," replied the outsized oaf, with is a buck." And bucks-up to fifteen of lays an egg on arrival. his customary ready intelligence, "I'm 'em-are precisely what Pepsi-Cola Co. Will we hate you for mentioning kicks in for gags you send in and we print. "Pepsi-Cola" in your gag? Au contraire, collectin' trickles for the Pepsi-Cola jingle!" Just mark your stuff with your name, to coin a phrase. It stimulates us. Even address, school and class, and send it to better than benzedrine. So come on- Easy M oney Dept., Pepsi-Cola Co., Box A, bandage up that limp badinage, and Arthur J. McGrane of Duke Univ. also Long Island City, N. Y. All contributions send it in-for Easy Money. Then just raked in $2 for his moron gag. So can become the property of Pepsi-Cola Co. sit back and cross your fingers. you, if yours clicks. Just be yourself!

DAFFY DEFINITIONS HE-SHE GAGS $1 apiece to Herbert W. Hugo of North- Ounce-one-twelfth of a bottle of western Univ., Richard AM. Sheirich of Pepsi-Cola. Three bucks apiece went out to Mammon. Colgate I niv., Tad Golas of Columbia Funnel-faster way of drinking Pepsi. worshippers Bill Spencer of Hardin-Sim- mons Univ., Nick G. Flocos of Univ. of College, Bob Sanford ofNotre Dame, and Ghost writer-writes obituary Jo Cargill of Bates College for these. notices. Pittsburgh, Shirley Motter of Univ. of And when we think of what a dollar Cincinnati, and Carson A. Ronas of used to buy! Brooklyn, N. I., respectively, for these Mushroom-the girl friend's front Suffering from the shorts? Here's bits of whimsy: parlor. your answer-one buck each for He: O. K., stupid, be that way. Dime-a buck with taxes taken out. any of these we buy. She: Don't you call me stupid! He: O. K., ignorant. GET FUNNY... WIN MONEY... WRITE A TITLE She: Well, that's better!

She: I'm thirsty for a Pepsi-Cola. le: Okay, let's sip this one out.

He: Does your husband talk in his sleep? She: No, it's terribly exasperating. He just grins.

He-Bottle on Pepsi Truck: At least we're better off than those two empty bottles on the sidewalk. She-Bottle on Pepsi Truck: How do you figure? He-Bottle on Pepsi Truck: They've been drunk since yesterday, and we're still on the wagon.

$3 each-that's a lot of bonanza oil! But that's the take-home pay for any of these we buy.

A very special contest-for cartoonists who can't draw. If that's you, just write EXTiRA A a caption for this remarkable cartoon. (if you can't write, either, we can't do business.) $5 each for the best captions. Or if you're a cartoonist who can draw, we're po- send in a cartoon idea of your own. $10 for just the idea... $15 if you draw it Atteedof the year, Atg the enit'"all the sug ev ... if we buy it. bigto neO heitemwethinkwas December winners: $15.00 to: Kathy Gonso of Michigan State College; anextr bet of all is goingoget $5.00 each to: 4lex. H. Veazey of Philadelphia, Leroy Lou of Univ. of Texas, $100.00 and Robert A. AL. Booth of Univ. of ColorUdo. Not a conscience in the crowd! 2 S~

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