Why are drones hovering over the upper school?

PHOTO BY PEPE MIRALLES’ DRONE Published biweekly by and for the Upper School students of Riverfield Country Day School in Tulsa, OK MARCHAPRIL 30,3, 2015 2018 THE COMMONS

n keeping with the spirit of I April Fools’ Day, material contained in this issue is inten- tionally fraudulent and meant to amuse. Any resemblance to reality is not coincidental.

IA drones terrorize ARCHITECTS’ VIEW OF NEW CAMPUS school

By Logan Payne COWERING IN FEAR

Over the past few weeks, the Riverfield campus has been under attack by drones. The attack has been traced to the Industrial Arts class run by James Wilson and Fredrick Jones. Neither of the teachers is implicated in the terrorist attack. On the contrary, this is the work of one of their students. The mastermind behind the ‘L ifelong learning’ at attack is Altug Delen, well known as a flyer and command- er of drones. Delen’s abilities are so advanced that students tremble in fear at the thought of going outside. The school has been on total lockdown since this rebellion started. Riverfield university At first it appeared to be nothing more than a funny game By James Morley One concern about this new university is whether or not Delen was playing. It turned FUTURE R.U. DROPOUT the school can gather sufficient funds to build and run a fully serious when the entire Industri- functional university on tuition alone. I spoke to Jerry Bates, al Arts class began using the iverfield Country Day School was founded in RCDS Head of School, to see what the plans are. drones to keep anyone from 1984 by a group of parents and teachers As soon as the interview started, I knew it will be an uphill entering the school. working with Marty and Tom Clark. When battle for Bates and his team to raise the money. When I asked At that , Mr. Wilson the school was first established, it only ac- what kind of fundraising would take place, I saw Bates nerv- and Mr. Jones plotted to stop cepted Infants through 2nd Grade. ously glance at a passing 4th grader with lunch money in his Delen and his cohorts. But R But every decade since, a new school has been added to hand. Delen soon learned of their plot RCDS. The 1980s saw the completion of a full elementary “One idea for generating construction funds is to ramp up to disrupt the charging of the school, and the ’90s saw the addition of the Middle School. In our egg production,” Bates explained. “The 10 current chick- drones. the 2000s, the Upper School was added. Now that the ’10s are ens we have will be increased to 10,000 so we can supply eggs Delen then locked the two well underway, Riverfield is overdue for another expansion to to local stores. Another idea is to install parking meters across teachers in a supply closet as its campus. the entire campus. We also plan to rename the main drive the punishment with only 10 Nu- Starting in the summer of 2018, RCDS will begin building ‘Riverfield Turnpike’ and collect tolls from all those who en- trigrain bars and a gallon of two Riverfield University. The college campus will be built on the ter the school grounds.” -day-old milk. Mr. Wilson is west side of the school’s 120 acres where cross-country trails These funding plans may not be popular with students. still refusing to eat the bars. are located now. The University will offer a full range of clas- When senior Brett Anderson heard of the new ways they plan Some students have been ses and a broad selection of majors for students. to raise revenue, he said, “Typical school establishment, able to make it past the drones With this addition of college-level studies, RCDS will be crushing the little guy. What do I pay tuition here for?” Brett to their cars, but as of this writ- realizing its oft-stated goal of promoting lifelong learning. may have just cost himself admission into the prestigious ing, no one has alerted the po- The idea for the new University was born because admin- Riverfield U. lice about this terrorization. istrators often see that RCDS Upper School graduates, particu- As for myself, I think it’s about time RCDS added a col- For now, everyone hopes larly those “lifers” who have attended the school since infan- lege. How else am I going to learn for my entire life at River- this situation will end soon, and cy, don’t want to leave the culture of the school. field if it only offers classes through high school? Altug Delen will find it in his heart to let the students of Riverfield go to their classes.

THE COMMONS is published biweekly dur- SPRING 2018 STAFF VOLUME XII ISSUE 11 ing the school year by the Upper School Newspaper elective class at Riverfield Country Day School, 2433 W. 61st Street, Tulsa, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF ...... James Morley FRIDAY, MARCH 30, 2018 Oklahoma 74132. The staff reserves the right to edit any article or MANAGING EDITOR ...... Brenden Paul letter submitted for publication. Send all submissions to the Editor-in-Chief at NEWS EDITORS ...... Logan Payne, Jack Bluhm [email protected]. All opinions SPORTS EDITORS ...... Noah Laubach, Brady Heinig DESIGN EDITORS...... Jake O’Shaughnessy, expressed are those of the individual writ- OPINIONS EDITORS ...... Quinten Nokes ...... Jack Jones, Mason Malloy ers and do not reflect positions of the staff, A&E EDITORS ...... Connor Keesling, Kip Derryberry GRAPHICS EDITOR ...... Elise Wagoner adviser, or school administration. REVIEWS EDITORS ...... Alex Milton, Andrew Jordan COLUMNISTS ...... Grace Clark, Grant Heinig, Online: riverfield.org/community/student-newspapers.cfm FEATURES EDITOR ...... Will Dozier, Hana Saad ...... …...... Alexis Lipe, Adaira Reid

THE COMMONS Friday, March 30, 2018 BREAKING NEWS: RCDS star brady heinig declares for SPORTS the and will forego his senior year at riverfield … 2 goes to golden state

By Noah Laubach This story broke just mo- report from Boston said the NBA INSIDER ments after I received a memo Celtics decided to burn down from the Cavaliers’ GM Koby the TD Garden because, “you After the Cleveland Cava- Altman. LeBron and I played can’t lose if you don’t play.” liers released him for “trying Fortnite later that day, and he I drove over to OKC to talk to cut Kevin Love,” LeBron confirmed the story. to reigning MVP Russell West- James decided to take his tal- “I was planning on leaving brook about LeBron’s move. ents to the Golden City and Cleveland this summer any- “I don’t know, man, just a join the Warriors. ways,” James said, “but now bunch of cupcakes. I’ll still get In a move that took the that I’m released, I’m going my triple-double though,” NBA by storm, the Golden straight to the Warriors. I gotta Westbrook said. State Warriors upped the num- catch that ghost.” But just this morning, in a ber of MVPs on their team last In the past, LeBron refer- shocking move, the Cleveland month from two to three. enced a “ghost” that he is chas- Cavaliers have released LeB- Seniors Katy and Jackson set a great example for younger thespians. PHOTOS BY LOGAN PAYNE Their starting lineup be- ing. Everyone assumed the ron James because he began came as follows: two-time ghost was Michael Jordan, but trying to release other players MVP Steph Curry, former LeBron told me himself that the on the team. MVP , LeBron ghost was Robert “Big Shot Moments ago we received “King” James, three-point Rob” Horry, who actually has word that LeBron has decided REDMOND AND EAGLE MAKE sniper , and one more championship than to rejoin the Warriors, the best Zaza Pachulia, who is on the Jordan. team in the league, and the team solely to hurt other After I broke the news via team that beat him in the finals IMPACT ON DRAMA PROGRAM teams’ star players. , the league blew up. A last year. Sound familiar? Rather than announcing two MVPs, two people who don’t spend their free time playing a Most sport will earn this issue’s hon- Valuable or. These students are closer to Exclusive! Interview with Kobe MVAs (Most Valuable Actors) Players than MVPs, and its important By Logan Payne had all the ballet studios in the footsteps. His daughter will have we honor their achievements in By James Morley BRYANT FAMILY FRIEND city shut down. to do a lot of work to play at his their field. The two honorees Kobe seems pretty serious level. are seniors Katy Redmond and So earlier today I had the about his kids becoming basket- L: I imagine you must miss Jackson Eagle. Theatre Co. put on shows. Ra- chance to sit down with the best ball players and following in his playing basketball. What is it Jackson Eagle — In his ther than acting, Katy literally shooting guard to ever play the about the game you miss most? final year of high school, Jack- runs the show. Assistant Direc- game of basketball, Kobe Bry- K: Truthfully, I don’t miss son is going out as one of the tor to all performances this year, ant. it at all. You know how tired you best actors Riverfield Theatre Katy makes everything work. I asked Kobe to answer a get being the best player to ever Co. has to offer. After being in What makes her so good at her couple of questions that every- play basketball? I was just too Drama for a couple of years job are her leadership qualities, one has been wondering about good for anyone I played now, Jackson sets an example but also her eye for art and cos- since he left the NBA. I started against. Even in my last game, I for younger and aspiring stu- tumes. If you need fashion ad- off with a few easy questions, scored 60 points, the most any- dents to become excellent per- vice, just go to Katy. She won’t and Kobe turned out to be a one ever scored in their last formers like himself. Jackson steer you wrong. Being the boss pretty good guy. game. It was just another acco- could definitely see himself in a is hard, but Katy does it best. Logan: What have you lade added to my great career. collegiate drama program. One Awesome job, Katy! been doing since you retired And with that, he was ready doesn’t achieve Jackson’s level Katy and Jackson are the from basketball? to leave. As you can see, Kobe of expertise without hard work. Un-Commons’ MVPs and rep- Kobe: Forcing my kids to isn’t missing basketball at all, Only his countess hours of prac- resent Riverfield well despite play basketball. My daughter and he truly does believe he is tice help him wow his audienc- their absence in athletics. Make wanted to do ballet instead, so I PHOTO COURTESY BRYANT FAMILY the best to ever play the game. es. Keep it up, Jackson! sure to look for the next issue of Katy Redmond — Katy is The Commons to see which two also in her final year of high athletes are honored for excel- school and helps Riverfield lence in their sport. returns NFL draft PICKS PROJECTED By Jack Bluhm from the league to the NFL. The 2nd pick: The New By Brenden Paul ular season games, the top four BOOKIE The 6th pick: The New York Giants are probably go- ASPIRING SPORTSWRITER slamball teams will make the York Jets are next, and it looks ing to do something stupid and playoffs. There will be a week The 10th pick: The San like they will be drafting Steph draft a kicker first, and if they The sport of slamball was for the two semifinal matchups Francisco 49ers need a good Curry from the Golden State do, it’ll probably be Cristiano founded in 2002. It is a combi- and a week for the champion- wide receiver, so I think they Warriors as their place kicker. Ronaldo. nation of basketball, gymnastics ship. will draft Jesus. This player From shooting baskets to kick- The 1st pick: Again, the and hockey. Nine arenas across the coun- has been very promising in his ing field goals, it will be easy Browns have a high draft pick, It is basically basketball but try have been randomly selected early career in the combine. for this amazing athlete. and with the first overall pick, with glass boards like hockey to host these games. For the The 9th pick: The Oak- The 5th pick: After bust- the best player in this draft and trampolines in the paint inaugural season, they have se- land Raiders need an offensive ing on their current quarterback class is LeBron James, wide area. lected Los Angeles, Detroit, lineman after suffering many Trevor Siemian that they need receiver, running back, kicker There were originally six Miami, New York City, Dallas, sacks last year. That is why I to draft a new quarterback, the and long snapper. teams that played in China, Aus- Las Vegas, Orlando and St. think they will draft Kevin Denver Broncos should go for tralia and briefly in the U.S. Louis. James. Retiring from acting to Lonzo Ball. Maybe his shot After a 10-year hiatus, the sport These venues are for the be an offensive lineman form is bad, but let’s see how is set to play again in the U.S. regular season and semifinal should be an easy transition his throwing form is. The Slamball Lague will matchups, but Tulsa, Oklahoma for him. The 4th pick: The Cleve- return with eight teams: the has been selected as host of the The 8th pick: The Chica- land Browns are straight up , the Diablos, the Mob, inaugural championship game! go Bears need a good wide horrible, so they need new eve- the , the , the This is very exciting news receiver. This is why they rything, including a running , the Riders and the for the city. It is a nice format need to draft Kevin Hart. He back. That’s why they need to Maulers. for the first season, but there is isn’t the fastest or the tallest, draft Usain Bolt. He’s fast and The teams will play a seven- speculation that next season but he can be a good red zone tall — perfect for football. week season with each team eight cities will be selected as threat. The 3rd pick: The Indian- playing each of the other teams host cities for the eight teams, The 7th pick: The Tampa apolis Colts need a good young once. They will travel to various and Tulsa is in these talks. Bay Buccaneers will benefit quarterback, so that is why I from drafting a linebacker. I have them drafting Harrison arenas around the country, simi- Hopefully, Tulsa will have Let’s hope the Browns pick some- Ford. I think they can get a solid lar to the Big 3 Basketball the chance to have a permanent think they should pick one better than Johnny Manziel. league. slamball team after the inaugu- Shaquille O’Neal, straight five years out of him. PHOTO COURTESY NFL In addition to the seven reg- ral season format is over.

THE COMMONS Friday, March 30, 2018 The easter bunny has cancelled easter due to the OPINIONS confusion between the holiday and april fools day. 3 VOTE COOK 2020! RCDS students forming

By Noah Laubach will be your goal for your first to de-escalate tensions be- a cult to avoid taxes REGISTERED INDEPENDENT 100 days in office? tween the U.S. and North Ko- Mr. C: What office? rea outrageously unique, but By Kip Derryberry still doesn’t seem real to me. Is One of Riverfield’s more N: What is your foreign policy he also plans to appoint Loren POTENTIAL CONVERT Oklahoma so desperate to be- notorious teachers for talking standpoint? Standley to a position that come famous for something about politics has recently an- Mr. C: Reverse the Monroe doesn’t even exist within the It’s never too early to start outside of sports that we resort nounced his candidacy in the Doctrine! And for North Korea, United States government! thinking about how to manage to praying for oil? Do Oklaho- 2020 presidential election. I’d try to woo Kim Jong Un If this interview hasn’t taxes, even as an angry high mans want Tulsa to become the Our very own Chris Cook, with a personalized version of compelled you to vote for schooler. Furthermore, it’s nev- Oil Capital of the World again? Lego fanatic and developer of “Rocket Man” by Elton John Cook in 2020, I’m not sure er too early to start thinking Not like that means anything Design Thinking, has decided with Trump on the bongos. anything will. about how to evade taxes. nowadays ... to run for office because he’s N: What positions would A gathering of high school At any rate, amidst discus- “fed up with the Man.” you first fill? seniors at Riverfield has banded sions of tax evasion, the stu- During our interview, I Mr. C: I would appoint together to form their own reli- dents had an idea: start a cult asked him some important Loren Standley as the Min- gion. that worships oil for recognition questions about why Ameri- ister of Information be- OK, maybe that sort of thing as an official religion and evade cans should vote for him. cause of that one time he happens all the time. Millennial taxes. called out Andrew Bates. kids will say anything for atten- “We’re a group that wor- Noah: You said you’re fed Then I would name Herr tion, but when it comes down to ships oil,” said cult member and up with “The Man.” Who is Day as Ambassador to action, they cower in fear. feral teen Loren Standley about “The Man?” Germany and also Head However, unlike most failed the cult. “It provides us with so Mr. Cook: The Mayor, or Hairstylist for the White religions, these Upper Schoolers much, so we should get tax rather the Mayor’s Facebook House. Oh, and I would have one defining motive for write offs from it.” page manager, because he make David Wright my starting a religion: to gain I was dumbfounded by the blocked me. Thunder Lizard. recognition from the govern- idea at first. However, these N: When talking to students, N: Wow. These are some ment and evade taxes. aren’t just a bunch of kids living the word they used to describe very … intriguing answers. Specifically, the Cen’gar of in their heads. They seem to you is “indecisive.” Would Thanks for your time, and the Flame cult worships oil. have a solid reason why they’d you agree? best of luck during the This preposterous idea arose start a cult that worships oil. Mr. C: I don’t know, maybe. election. from a discussion after lunch The idea of tax evasion N: What accomplishments Not only is Cook’s plan one day about how Oklahoma’s seems fitting for me, since I Governor Mary Fallin was try- may or may not be that success- ing to get people to pray for oil ful in the future. I should proba- … or something like that. bly go ask a member of Cen’gar I’ve found multiple sources of the Flame for some paper- Iran suspects lizards of spying that reported it, and that idea work now.

By Ava Fritts source of entertainment. My standards with lizards nearby SPYMASTER extensive research found no and thought, “That man is a connection to back up the minis- spy! Those lizards must be (EDITOR’S NOTE: Believe ter’s claims. some tool of his!” The paranoia it or not, this is a true story.) Firuzabadi references a case must be extreme. where westerners who were I love spies, and I am a bit Hassan Firuzabadi, Tehran's supposedly on an aid mission obsessive on the subject. My supreme military advisor, re- were actually spies trying to knowledge about their craft is cently claimed the U.S. is using find information on Tehran's extensive. reptiles to find out about Iran’s nuclear program using the rep- I partially understand the nuclear program. tiles. hysteria about lizards. I can Firuzabadi believes the U.S. I’m trying to piece together recall reading about instances has sent agents equipped with what was going on in the man’s during WWII where dogs with spy lizards and chameleons to head when he made this claim explosives on their backs were gather intel on Iran’s uranium about the reptiles. I don’t have used to blow up tanks. mines. These reptiles are said to enough information to prove the But the science does not have the ability to attract atomic people were spies, but I do have back up this claim. To put it waves. enough to prove that spy lizards simply, if chameleons were able While the claims in this don’t exist. to detect uranium radiation be- U.S. to sell Hawaii CNBC article from February Perhaps he saw some people cause of their skin, then humans were not factual, it was a good acting a bit strange by Iran’s would be able to as well. By Alex Milton During the briefing, Trump ASSOCIATED PRESS tweeted, “This one of a kind trade deal with Kenya will Despite it being nearly help the United States secure unanimously accepted that our borders and make America Kim Jong Un mad at Trump former President Barack great again. The US will make By Connor Keesling Obama was born in the United trillions of dollars from Ken- Offended by being ignored, found The Don. States, President Donald ya! #MAGA” D.C. GOSSIP COLUMNIST Kim turned to the only real Being the glorious leader of Trump appears determined to Kenyan President Uhuru

friend he had left, President Xi the United States of America, prove that his predecessor was Kenyatta tweeted shortly after Relations between the Unit- Jinping of China. Donny responded to the short born in Kenya. Trump, saying, “Early negoti- ed States and North Korea have Xi and Kim had been friends Korean boi’s request for friend- Earlier today at a White ations are going well, and we been on thin ice for months for a while, but Kim always felt ship by threating to launch House press briefing, Press hope to finalize the deal by the since President that Xi didn’t really care about nukes at him. Secretary Sarah Huckabee end of April; however, the refused to return a telephone him. So Kim set out on a search Little Rocket Man refused Sanders announced that after Republic of Kenya has no call from Kim Jong Un. for a brand new best friend and to take this and threatened to some consideration, Trump intention of paying the amount launch nukes of his own. has offered to sell the state of President Trump posted earlier But before either could do Hawaii to the Republic of today.” it, they came to their senses and Kenya. This announcement came realized they never could really Sanders stated that the goal days after Trump made nu- defeat the other. of the administration is to raise merous tweets saying that he They had hidden their true enough money to build was about to release proof that feelings from each other. Trump’s border wall while Obama was born in Kenya. Trump called Kim and also proving once and for all Despite concerns that the asked to meet. Kim agreed, but that former President Obama President doesn’t have the he realized they would have to was not born on U.S. soil. power to sell the state of Ha- come up with a plausible reason Sanders said that Trump waii, the ever-changing Trump for meeting. Kim told Trump to believes it will be the biggest administration appears confi- say the meeting was for “diplo- trade deal in the history of the dent that they will succeed in matic purposes,” and now both U.S., possibly the world. the attempt. are scheduled to meet for a PHOTO: NATIONAL ENQUIRER “summit” by May.

THE COMMONS Friday, March 30, 2018 RIVERFIELD WILL EXHIBIT the recently authenticated ‘SALVATOR MUNDI’ BY LEONARDO DA VINCI in the ROGERS COMMONS for the month of April. Expect heavy security at all entrances ... A&E 4

BOOKTALKBOOKTALK By Hana Saad

Here are five books you’ve copy of this book. From the de- never read (but should). tailed world-building to the cast 1. “The Hunger Games” of memorable characters, this is — Katniss Everdeen is one of an easy choice for any reader the most well written and who is bored of the common The Musical evolved characters in any book. tropes in today’s literature. The lack of a large fan base for 4. “Red Queen” — This the series is disheartening, espe- series by Victoria Aveyard is a cially since the book offers so favorite among scholars. The much to the reader. From valua- first book is not an easy read by ble lessons on starting the per- any means — it can take months fect rebellion to spot-on rela- to get through — but upon fin- tionship advice from Katniss, ishing it, you’ll find yourself this book is both poignant and looking at the world from a dif- enriching. ferent viewpoint. 2. “The Mortal Instru- 5. “Looking for Alaska” — By Hana Saad cameo in the opening act as Eddard Stark, ments” — Since Book One was John Green’s first book served STAGE MANAGER said, “The anticipation is killing me. I just published in 2007, there has as a template for all his subse- want to get my head in the game and give been no other series that rivals quent books. An average boy project that Isaiah R.R. Weaver it my all.” the originality of the characters meets a beautiful-but-sad girl has been working on for years is The musical opens with the entire cast or the storyline. Clary Fray, the who is way out of his league. finally becoming a reality. coming together for “A Song of Ice and title character, is an intelligent They go on a grand adventure “Game of Thrones: The Musi- Fire.” heroine. She is the exact protag- and try to answer a philosophi- cal” will make its debut on April 1 at the The cast plans a special treat during onist that our changing world cal question. Despite the intri- Tulsa Performing Arts . intermission. Free refreshments will be needs. guing storyline, the book is only For Weaver, this is a dream come true. distributed to the audience so playgoers 3. “Divergent” — There appreciated in the smallest of “I’ve been working on this project since I can become part of the show during the are many reasons to pick up a literary circles. was in college, and to see it finally be- song, “And They Called it the Red Wed- come a reality is everything to me.” ding.” Don’t worry, the treats will be Although he hopes audiences will love harmless (unless Olenna Tyrell, played by the show, he is more concerned about all Miss James, has a vendetta against some- the cast members surviving long enough one in the audience.) to make it to opening night. Daenerys Targaryen, played by Han- CHASE EXPERIMENTed Most of the cast are method actors, nah Sage, has two showstopper ballads which means they remain in character all during the second act. “Where are My By Elise Wagoner “Sir, vitals are stable,” said the time in order to better portray their Dragons?” and “The Iron Throne Was roles. Unfortunately, this has led to several Made for Me” will blow you away. ASSISTANT GUARDIAN a lady with a sleek brown po- close calls between Mrs. Knight, who Sansa and Arya Stark, played by Katy nytail. Her eyes were trained plays Cersei, and Herr Day, who is por- and Emma Redmond, take center stage in Previously … The guardi- to a heart monitor screen. Oth- traying Tyrion, the dwarf. the last act. Their duet, “Thank You for an in the afterlife tells Chase er doctors were nearby, moni- Brenna Maxey, as Margaery Tyrell, is Your Many Lessons,” is made even more he has to undergo a trial to toring everything from the roaming the Upper School with a perpetu- powerful considering they are sisters both rejoin the living … color of the liquid to the boy’s brain waves. al smirk. Jonathan Taylor is styling his on and offstage. hair and refusing to smile as he prepares to There will only be one performance, so creative fiction Just as they were about to pull the boy out of the vat, portray Jon Snow. get your complimentary tickets quickly, which had done seemingly Toby Clark, who will make a special for the night is dark and full of terrors. “Put him in. We have to nothing but make the boy wet, see what it does to him before a young man in the corner of we test it on anything worth- the room who was monitoring while,” the doctor said with a the boy’s brain scans said, cold, hardened expression. “He’s … adapting the chemi- His hands were like ice, and cal into his brain cells, sir …” they gripped his coffee mug “Get him out …” the doc- so hard that it was astonishing tor said. “GET HIM OUT!” it had not shattered into a mil- It was too late; Chase Saw- lion pieces. yer had entered an alternate A boy about the age of 14 reality. He had gone so deep was lowered into a vat of icy into his own brain that it in- cold liquid that was a pale vented a whole new world. shade of green and seemed to One in which he was in a car emit a bluish smoke. crash with his sister then trans- ferred to the afterlife. Everything he was wit- nessing was completely real to him yet completely fake. The vat that Chase had been placed into contained components to create a human who could use up to 100 per- cent of their brain.

The doctors placed Chase in a vat filled with a … to be mysterious liquid … ILLUSTRATION BY PENNY MUSICK continued

THE COMMONS Friday, March 30, 2018 On Tuesdays in april, the upper school cafeteria will REVIEWS offer Burn co. ribs instead of chick -fil -A … 5 A classic hamburger joint: GAME REVIEW: ‘4th and goal’ GOLDEN ARCHES By Mason Malloy change the difficulty and even PRO GAME REVIEWER match time! You also are al- Recently Adaira and I had Adaira had never tasted ketchup lowed to change your team

the pleasure of attending a new FULL so pure. Over the last few years, colors from the many presets and under-the-radar restaurant McDonalds not only serves many great games have come given. called McDonald’s. of amazing food, but it has the out of the shadows. But what is really amazing At this local family-owned IT most family-friendly atmos- The Fallout franchise and about this game is its graphics. establishment, the menu is vir- phere of any sit-down restaurant other fps games have sold These 2D graphics are even tually endless. From the Big By Grace Clark we know. Children are always millions of copies over the better than 3D graphics in & Adaira Reid Mac to the Oreo McFlurry, you welcome to ice cream since their years. But one of the best games such as Madden. And and your wallet will leave satis- machines NEVER break! games of all time is “4th and you can’t beat the massive 360 fied. No meals are more than I ordered the fresh-picked The employees were kind Goal 2016.” resolution that any computer $10, and the dollar menu is al- garden salad with a mango- and knowledgeable. They were This game runs on Adobe can run! ways a solid option. pineapple smoothie on the side. willing to answer any questions Flash on the website crazy- All you have to do is get a All their burgers are made All their fruits and vegetables we had about the menu. games.com. The game has so computer, install Adobe Flash, from 100% local grass-fed beef, are grown on site and are non- Therefore, it is our pleasure many great features … where then go to crazygames.com and their chicken is free range. GMO certified organic. to give McDonald’s 10 out of 5 do I start? and enjoy. Adaira ordered the classic After taking our first bites, ravens! Let’s begin with a general If you enjoy playing 3D fried chicken strip meal with we were blown away! Adaira’s We are LOVIN’ IT! description. “4th and Goal” is games, your mind will abso- fresh cut french fries on the chicken had the perfect crunch, a football-based game where lutely be blown away by “4th side. Her meal was served with and my smoothie also had the the objective is to get down and Goal’s” amazing graphics. handmade tomato sauce and a perfect consistency. Never have the field to the end zone with- In addition, you cannot beat tall ice water with lemon. I had a salad more fresh, and out being tackled. This is pret- the fantastic gameplay. This ty easy with the game’s realis- game retails for $0 on any tic physics. internet browser, so go check You also have the ability it out! I give “4th and Goal to play on the defensive side 2016” 5 ravens out of 5. and make sure the other team does not score. The game has many fea- tures and options. You can

MOVIE REVIEW:

Adaira and I cannot understand why we never heard of this restaurant before. PHOTOS BY GRACE CLARK ‘The Movie’

By Andrew Jordan There are no gaping plot holes WRITING UNDER DURESS whatsoever! The storyline will leave you MUSIC REVIEW: ‘under pressure’ is One of the most interesting speechless at the end. You will trends over the past couple of want to keep re-watching this years has been the increasing film because you can find new use of . With them pop- things in the plot that were not young Stabba and Lil Clip’s debut ping up in memes, vines and there before! That’s how good other popular media, they are no the plot is. It’s unbelievable By Quinten Nokes nitely a banger. song, they didn’t receive any longer limited to text messages. how much time and work the RAP LYRICIST The song is the best one out money from it. It’s sad, be- On July 28 last year, a major creators put into it. right now. It may be old, but cause good artists deserve to movie was released based on “The Emoji Movie” has an “Under Pressure” is one of everything about it is amazing. make good money. this pop culture staple, super- all-star cast which includes T.J. the best songs I’ve ever heard. The beat is from Lil Pump’s But overall, this song is so originally named “The Emoji Miller, the multi-talented Pat- It is literally the peak of musi- “Gucci Gang,” but these rappers good it literally can’t get any Movie.” rick Stewart, comedian Steven cal creativity. made it way better. The lyrics better. Too bad Young Stabba This movie made over $1B Wright, , Sofia Young Stabba and Lil Clip are just amazing, with “hopping and Lil Clip are not getting in its first month, smashing the Vergara, , Anna are the most underrated under- on ’em like a kangaroo” being a any profits from it. I give this record previously held by Dis- Faris, Rachael Ray, SNL alum ground rappers in years, and fan favorite. song 5 out of 5 ravens. ney’s “: The Force , and even Chris- “Under Pressure” was sup- According to their agent, Awakens.” tina Aguilera. posed to be their way out. these guys will be signed in a How good is this movie? Overall, this is one of the The single went platinum al- month or so. Due to the fact that (Spoiler: it’s amazing!!!) best, if not THE best movie of most instantly — it was defi- “Under Pressure” is their first The first thing that struck me all time. Its popularity proves was the outstanding dialogue. that, with the movie getting a The emojis talk to one another 1,000,000% on Rotten Toma- like it’s not even scripted. And toes. the jokes are top notch, such as At the end of the day, I give CLASSIC ALBUM: ‘I’m Not a Fan …’ when ’s Poop this movie a 6 out of 5! emoji character punches a fan. By Will Dozier field of aggression. skeet skeet, get crunk, skeet Classic comedy. ANTHONY FANTANO WANNABE The troubled, musically skeet, get crunk in the streets.” The plot is one of the most compressed screams of the sing- Throughout the record, the incredible I’ve ever watched. *Parental Advisory Warning* er on this track symbolize dis- album does not lower its song- satisfaction with modern socie- writing and production quality Throughout history, the al- ty, like what early Norwegian even once. It is simply a master- bums that remain influential and black metal artists did in their piece that transcends other mod- remembered are the ones that cult-based music. ern pop music. innovate their respective genres. The next track, “Skeet While not even a decade old, Brokencyde’s masterpiece, Skeet,” continues the album’s this album will go down in his- “I’m Not a Fan, But the Kids remarkable creative streak. The tory as a masterpiece that Like It!,” will be remembered as song is a meditation on the de- changed the game. While bound a modern classic that innovated structive forces of modern soci- to turn heads, true avant-garde genres like Crunk, Emo, and ety. It is understandly influ- and musically experienced fans Techno to avant-garde levels. enced by the dissonant, harsh will recognize how this album’s The album starts with noise of Merzbow and Rez Ral- innovation is masterfully done. “Freax,” a tour-de-force of mod- lizes Denudes as well as the off- I give this album 5 ravens ern pop songwriting. The song kilter societal satires of Cleve- out of 5. combines the profound tropes of land’s Pere Ubu. modern visionaries like Blood The following lyrics reflect on The Dance Floor, Lil Jon and the philosophical musings of the Death Grips, creating a sonic work as a whole: “Get crunk, PUBLICITY PHOTO: SONY

THE COMMONS Friday, March 30, 2018 SPECIAL OFFER TODAY ONLY! Dr Pepper $.50 each. No maximum quantity. See Mr. Hodges for details … FEATURES 6 the perfect ROLE MODEL Man hijacks Dr Pepper truck

She’s nice, she’s pretty, and she’s practically perfect. She THE has blond hair, blue eyes, and that classic, totally realistic wonder waist. She is undoubtedly the best female symbol for young, women impressionable girls to idolize. By Alexis Lipe She is Barbie. Barbie is the doll that all girls want (because, let’s be as a fashion model, a job dreamt honest, it’s not like any boys of by every little girl. actually play with dolls.) Barbie’s appearance was Barbie first debuted at the also best when she first debuted. American International Toy Fair In recent years, Barbie has been on March 9, 1959. She quickly manufactured with a variety of became popular across America ethnicities and sizes. But the as not only a doll for girls to best Barbie is the original Bar- Security cameras caught this photo of an unidentified man at a stop on the Turner Turnpike last weekend play with, but also as a model of bie: tall, with fair skin, blond just before he drove off in this vehicle. If you have any information about his identity, call Crime Stoppers. these girls’ future lives. hair, and blue eyes. With these PHOTO COURTESY OKLAHOMA HIGHWAY PATROL And what a model she is! looks, she represents the ideal Barbie was presented as a kind, woman of the entire world. respectable woman, an image And we can’t forget about she has meticulously maintained her waist! It’s smaller than her over the years. head, a look that so many wom- At her debut, Barbie was a en naturally have. fashion model, the best career So let’s embrace classic Bar- Hillary: life after the 2016 election she could ever have. Barbie’s bie, with a fully feminine ca- other careers — including a reer, an appearance resembling By Brady Heinig gers are perfect for weaving, bit more orange these days, as surgeon, astronaut, firefighter, those of all women, and bodily HILLARY IN DISGUISE and she weaves the fastest after she has been getting spray tans Marine Corps sergeant, etc. — proportions young girls should watching clips of President regularly for the last few pale in comparison to her time aspire to have. After losing the presiden- Trump’s news conferences, be- months. A source tells me that tial election in 2016, Hillary cause they make her so angry. she thinks tanning may be Clinton has been living the With all of her downtime, directly proportional to elec- good life. Now that she has so Clinton has finally found time to toral success. much free time, she has the work on deleting the rest of her Hillary Clinton is living a opportunity to do so many emails. Her inbox was quite luxurious life after losing the things. cluttered, and she had already presidency, and usually you According to TMZ, Clinton deleted some of them, so now can catch her in the Bahamas. has taken up the hobby of un- she has a nice, clean inbox with But I believe she may be in derwater basket-weaving, and no important government Russia right now asking Vla- it turns out she has quite a emails. dimir Putin why he rigged the knack for it. Her nimble fin- Clinton has started to look a election.

It’s real! It’s real! PHOTO COURTESY S.H.R.E.K. Durable and affordable: Scientists create a 2017 LT Cozy Coupe

I was recently handed the to the full extent it deserves. Snake/octopus hybrid plastic keys to a 2017 Little That may have been because Tikes Cozy Coupe. Here are TEST of his inability to say anything By Jack Jones but the amount of information my impressions. other than “Mommy,” but I’m OCTOPUS EXPERT discovered about it is uncan- For a long time, the Cozy DRIVE not sure that matters. ny. Heck, we know almost Coupe dominated the Ameri- I can only infer that the A common theme in sci- everything! can car market, outselling the By Grant Heinig ride quality was sub-par, be- ence fiction is the concept of The creature, unofficially Ford Taurus and the Honda cause he cried the entire time. “hybrid creatures” — crea- dubbed a “snaketopus,” ap- Accord. 0-60 will only happen if tures that have the genes and pears at first glance to have With unique features such that makes up the chassis. the car happens to be sucked characteristics of multiple the basic anatomic structure as the open floorboard, single This car is incredibly envi- up in an F5 tornado and different animals. It may seem of an octopus with slithery- door, non-functional steering ronmentally friendly, and it re- thrown half a mile. By those straight out of a movie, but sneaky-snakes replacing its wheel, and powered by a revo- quires no maintenance after estimates, I’d say it takes 1.7 it’s as real as anything! tentacles. lutionary Flintstone-style initial assembly. seconds to get there. Last week, a scientist on However, there is more to ChevroLeg engine, the Cozy Usually I put a car through Overall, the Little Tikes Reddit said, “We real scien- this creature than meets the Coupe ruled the 18-month to 5 its paces, but with a 50 lb. Cozy Coupe is a great way to tists at the center for Scientific eye. Octopi actually have -year-old scene. weight limit and a rather small get your baby playing in the Human Research for Endan- three hearts, but the snake- Not only is it affordable, cabin, I let my baby cousin do street, and with bright, high gered Kangaroos (S.H.R.E.K.) topus has none. Everybody but it is practical, too. The the tests. visibility colors, passing driv- have developed a genetic knows that snakes are simply only petroleum used by this His words couldn’t describe ers will be sure to know not to crossing between snakes and noodles with no actual inter- car is in the molded plastic such a high quality automobile hit it. octopi.” The user’s screen- nal anatomy, so naturally they name was ActualScientist666. don’t have hearts. The Initially this sounded like snaketopus is thought to have 2017 LITTLE TIKES a stupid prank, but shortly inherited its lack of a heart afterward, a user on Discord from the common snake. COZY COUPE (a special communication pro- Some close-minded indi- Specifications tocol used by educated and viduals are making ridiculous POWER 1 babypower intellectual individuals) up- claims about how this creature TORQUE 1 baby-torques The bestselling car loaded an image of the new is “fake” or that this newspa- for the 18-month to creature (see above) to a spe- per is “running out of ideas.” 0-60 1.7 seconds 5-year-old youth cial section (or “channel”) of But they are denying the obvi- ENGINE ChevroLeg market is remarka- the Discord server, titled ously legitimate evidence that TRANS 10 toe bly affordable, but

“dank-maymays.” The user’s supports this creature’s exist- MPG 100% assembly can be name was Duke of Jell-O. ence. Open your mind, and CURB WEIGHT 11 lbs. difficult. No one outside S.H.R.E.K. someday, even you might be has actually seen the creature, able to become a snaketopus. PRICE AS TESTED $54.99 PHOTO OBTAINED FROM ORIGINAL PACKAGING