z Calliope's Update Girl – Book One by ASBusinessMagnet

Summary for the series: "The life of a Homestuck character, within the bounds of Homestuck, is hard. The life of a Homestuck character, taken entirely outside of the context of Homestuck and placed in a universe where Homestuck exists, is somehow even harder. It doesn't help that, whenever you go anywhere, people are always insisting you are a roleplayer and/or a cosplayer, but yet, somehow things become even worse when a madman, one who calls himself Andrew Hussie, makes you read about the adventures you never had.

Little do you know, though, that you're literally entering an epic of space and time, of joy and sorrow, of hilarity and sobriety, and that it'll change your lives. Is it for the better? Is it for the worse? You will have to decide for yourselves."

Summary for Book One: "Calliope and Caliborn are pretty much your ordinary neighborhood aliens, mocked for not being human but otherwise living on just fine. However, this is about to change as four long-term friends enter the scene, followed by another man, seemingly a full-time Internet resident. Suffice to say, he has been holding a dark secret concerning them all."

Reimagining of Calliope and the Final Update.

Full1 clarification of AU:

• The beta kids never played Sburb. They have been living with their guardians and leading ordinary human lives. • The cherubim don't share a body, but that doesn't mean they have a human form (think their dreamselves in canon). Likewise, they never played Sburb. They have been living together on present-day Earth ever since they hatched. • The post-Scratch trolls (who make a debut in Loading Screen 1) have successfully completed Sgrub and were granted access to the Earth, but instead of becoming literal gods, were scattered across the United States and have been struggling to live human lives ever since.

Drop a comment on one of the online versions of the story: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10726027/1/ http://archiveofourown.org/works/2382974/chapters/5264753 http://nanowrimo.org/participants/asbusinessmagnet/novels/calliope -s-update-girl-book-one (doesn't contain the entire text of the story or allow comments)

1 Clarification does not include anything that could be a potential spoiler. TABLE OF CONTENTS

SORTED BY THE STAGES AND CHAPTERS OF THE STORY

Stage 1: Together at Last – Chapters 1 to 14

1.1. The Cherubim ...... 1 1.2. The Home Thing...... 2 1.3. Green Ghost ...... 4 1.4. Blue Atom ...... 7 1.5. Orchid Horror ...... 10 1.6. Red Disc ...... 12 1.7. The Incident ...... 14 1.8. The Revelation...... 17 1.9. Zoosmell Pooplord ...... 22 1.10. Captchalogue ...... 26 1.11. Arms ...... 30 1.12. The Calendar ...... 33 1.13. The Breakout ...... 36 1.14. The Anniversary ...... 39

Stage 2: Acts of an Unscrupulous Puppetmaster – Chapters 15 to 28

2.1 (15). Blue Atom Redux ...... 43 2.2 (16). First Shots Called ...... 46 2.3 (17). A Strange Turn of Events ...... 48 2.4 (18). The Afterthoughts ...... 51 2.5 (19). Getting Ready ...... 55 2.6 (20). Zoosmell Pooplord Senior ...... 59 2.7 (21). Actual Story ...... 61 2.8 (22). Mere Human Minds ...... 63 2.9 (23). Support Group ...... 66 2.10 (24). Purple Prose ...... 69 2.11 (25). Second Read ...... 72 2.12 (26). Full of Blocks ...... 75 2.13 (27). Style of Humor ...... 77 2.14 (28). Other Fandoms ...... 80

Loading Screen 1: Scattered yet United – Chapters 29 to 42

I.1 (29). Judge Pyrope ...... 83 I.2 (30). Marquise Mindfang ...... 86 I.3 (31). Trollsonas ...... 89 I.4 (32). OB...... 92 I.5 (33). Eternal Futility ...... 95 I.6 (34). Deep History ...... 98 I.7 (35). Terminal Condition ...... 101

ii Calliope's Update Girl – Book One I.8 (36). Walks Without Legs ...... 104 I.9 (37). Good Grammar Books ...... 107 I.10 (38). Disrespectful ...... 110 I.11 (39). Blackrom ...... 113 I.12 (40). They Play a Game ...... 116 I.13 (41). In the Middle of Packing ...... 119 I.14 (42). Cosplayer ...... 121

Stage 3: Painful yet Consistent Progression – Chapters 43 to 49

3.1 (43). Talking to Himself ...... 125 3.2 (44). Dying Twice or Thrice ...... 128 3.3 (45). Tommy Wiseau ...... 131 3.4 (46). Non-Choice...... 134 3.5 (47). Representation of the World ...... 137 3.6 (48). Greco-Roman Stuff ...... 140 3.7 (49). Peculiar Arrows ...... 143

Stage 4: So You're Karkat Vantas – Chapters 50 to 63

4.1 (50). Tenderness ...... 147 4.2 (51). Missing in Action ...... 151 4.3 (52). The Bills ...... 154 4.4 (53). Mandelbrot Set ...... 157 4.5 (54). A Strife Scene ...... 160 4.6 (55). Queen Elsa ...... 162 4.7 (56). A Hat and a Pipe ...... 165 4.8 (57). Earth Connoisseur ...... 168 4.9 (58). Spring Fixation ...... 171 4.10 (59). Oblivion ...... 174 4.11 (60). Inconvenient ...... 177 4.12 (61). Meteors and Mafia Gangs ...... 179 4.13 (62). Outdated ...... 182 4.14 (63). Too Fast ...... 184

Stage 5: Her Imperious Condescension – Chapters 64 to 77

5.1 (64). Fake Prophet ...... 187 5.2 (65). Human Karkat ...... 190 5.3 (66). Not Even Speaking ...... 192 5.4 (67). Foreign Languages ...... 195 5.5 (68). Fandom Chat ...... 197 5.6 (69). The Old Days ...... 200 5.7 (70). Dualscar ...... 202 5.8 (71). The Multiverse...... 205 5.9 (72). Speedrun ...... 209 5.10 (73). Foodstuck / Fuchsia Ruler ...... 212 5.11 (74). Boring Uninteresting People ...... 214 5.12 (75). Creative Vision ...... 217

TABLE OF CONTENTS iii 5.13 (76). Cheating ...... 220 5.14 (77). The Anime ...... 223

Stage 6: Stupid Important Things – Chapters 78 to 91

6.1 (78). Empress and Heiress...... 227 6.2 (79). Horse Weirdo / Teal Seer ...... 230 6.3 (80). The Action of Grounding ...... 233 6.4 (81). Mutilated Cakes ...... 235 6.5 (82). Wizords...... 238 6.6 (83). Troll Logic ...... 241 6.7 (84). Less than Everything ...... 243 6.8 (85). Confirmed ...... 246 6.9 (86). Something Called Wet ...... 249 6.10 (87). Macintosh ...... 252 6.11 (88). Privilege ...... 254 6.12 (89). Senpai ...... 256 6.13 (90). Summaries ...... 258 6.14 (91). Crockertier ...... 261

iv Calliope's Update Girl – Book One TABLE OF CONTENTS

SORTED BY THE ACTS AND PAGES OF HOMESTUCK

Homestuck Beta – Stage 1

1893–1900 "Homestuck BETA" to "John: Quickly retrieve arms from MAGIC CHEST." ...... 1.13

Act 1: The Note Desolation Plays – Stages 1 to 6

1901–1905 "Homestuck" to "John: Quickly retrieve arms from drawer." ...... 1.9 1906–1910 "Remove CAKE from MAGIC CHEST." to "John: Equip fake arms." ...... 1.10 1911–1915 "John: Examine Problem Sleuth Poster." to "John: Take nails." ...... 1.11 1916–1922 "John: Squawk like an imbecile and shit on your desk." to "John: Examine calendar." ...... 1.12 1923–1925 "John: Eat cake." to "John: Open Pesterchum." ...... 2.6 1926–1927 "John: Open message." to "John: Look out window." ...... 2.7 1928-1931 "John: Examine mailbox." to "John: Examine games on CD rack." ...... 2.8 1932-1935 "John: Read COLONEL SASSACRE'S DAUNTING TEXT." to "John: Answer chum." ...... 2.11 1936-1941 "John: Combine fake arms with cake." to "John: Examine GameBro Magazine." ...... 2.12 1942-1945 "John: Read article." to "John: Get funny glasses too." ...... 2.13 1946-1950 "John: Wear disguise to fool dad." to "John: Examine fireplace." ...... 2.14 1951-1958 "John: Toss GameBro into fire." to "John: Combine ashes with urn." ...... 3.2 1959-1965 "John: Put urn back." to "John: Attach arms to doll." ...... 3.3 1966-1976 "John: Inspect burnt paper on the floor." to "John: Captchalogue captchalogue card." ...... 3.4 1977-1982 "[S] John: Play haunting piano refrain." to "[S] ==>" ...... 3.7 1983 "==>" ...... 4.2 1984-1988 "John: Leave a surprise for the mailman." to "[S] John: Enter." ...... 4.3 1989-1992 "==>" to "John: Equip disguise for defense." ...... 4.5 1993-2001 "John: Captchalogue pie tin." to "John: Exit kitchen." ...... 4.7 2002-2013 "John: Get cake on couch." to "John: Install the Sburb beta." ...... 4.9 2014-2019 "==>" to "John: Switch back to Stack Modus." ...... 4.11 2020-2032 "John: Put down razor." to "==>" ...... 4.13 2033-2037 "John: Check status of Sburb beta." to "[S] ==>" ...... 4.14 2038-2042 "==>" to "John: Get the card." ...... 5.3 2043-2044 "==>" to "TT: Select stuff in yard and move it back into room." ...... 5.4 2045-2047 "TT: Select John." to "TT: Put the bunny back in the box." ...... 5.5 2048-2053 "TT: Revise room." to "TT: Open Grist Cache" ...... 5.9 2054-2063 "==>" to "TT: Grab the soiled toilet." ...... 5.11 2064-2071 "==>" to "==>" ...... 5.12 2072-2082 "John: Examine wheel on the Cruxtruder." to "John: Get card." ...... 5.13 2083-2097 "John: Captchalogue fanciful harlequins." to "==>" ...... 5.14

TABLE OF CONTENTS v 2098-2104 "John: High-five Kernelsprite." to "John: Answer chums." ...... 6.3 2105-2113 "John: Use pre-punched card on totem lathe." to "==>" ...... 6.4 2114-2118 "==>" to "Rose: Retrieve arms from the purple box." ...... 6.5 2119-2122 "Rose: Writhe like a flagellum and puke on your bed." to "Rose: Play a haunting refrain on the violin." ...... 6.6 2123-2128 "John: Tell Liv Tyler you love her before impact." to "Rose: Take book." ...... 6.7 2129-2132 "Rose: Go explore the house." to "Rose: Sneak by." ...... 6.8 2133-2138 "==>" to "Rose: Stack laptop on Grimoire to maximize elevation." ...... 6.9 2139-2142 "Rose: Access laboratory wifi network." to "Rose: Put bathtub back." ...... 6.10 2143-2145 "John: Take totem to alchemiter." to "==>" ...... 6.11 2146-2148 "[S] John: Take bite of apple." to "Years in the future, but not many..." ...... 6.12

vi Calliope's Update Girl – Book One

STAGE 1 ==>

Chapter 1.1. The Cherubim

Author's idiotisms: Explanation of the title: several early drafts of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory were named Charlie's Chocolate Boy.

This is the story of an ordinary cherub girl named Calliope.

Ever since the day of her hatching, April 13, 1996, she was living in an inconspicuous house in Easthampton, Massachusetts with her brother, Caliborn. Their life, given that they were raised on Earth, was similar to that of any Earth child. They ate local food, went to a local school, spoke and wrote in the English language and sometimes they even felt like they were truly human.

Unfortunately, it was pretty obvious that they were not human. They both had green skin, and they didn't quite understand why. They had spirals on each of their cheeks: Calliope's were bright green, while Caliborn's were bright red. Last but not least, they didn't have a family. They referred to each other as "brother" and "sister", but only because they weren't quite aware of their own biology and couldn't tell the actual term, and they sure as hell didn't have any parents; at least, not in the very same place.

Eventually, Calliope became sick of being regarded as an alien all the time. Through various means, she found out about things like face paint, gloves and wigs, and eventually learned how to obscure her actual appearance and look more like a human. The look given to her by these tools wasn't quite what she desired, but at least it made the obvious alien features less obvious. Caliborn regarded them as offensive, though, and it just added to the long list of reasons why he hated his sister.

And Caliborn was really born to hate. He hated the Earth, he hated humans, he hated his sister, he hated the house where they were living, he hated the idea of computers, he hated everything. The only thing that he liked, at least in his early days, was himself. Eventually, he developed some interests, like human romance (he only liked observing it, though, and did not wish to participate in such a frivolous activity), but nevertheless they were scarce.

Calliope, on the other hand, was born to like. She still hated her brother (mostly because he hated her) and was disgusted by not being the same as other humans, but she saw the sweetness in the world. She wanted to capture the sweetness and hold it dear to her forever, and thus she began doing creative work after she learned about it at school. She mostly drew and wrote - since these were the two media immediately available to her - and she had become really good at both.

Thus Calliope and Caliborn lived. While they were really cherubim, instead they looked like living stereotypes: a stereotype of endearment and a stereotype of disgust, if they were given bodies that were humanoid but not quite human. No one around them had any explanation on what was going on, and it seemed they were to live such a life for their lifetimes, and, to be honest, they weren't even aware how long cherub lifetimes were.

STAGE 1 ==> 1 Unknown to them, though, in the very same town, there was a man who would tell the answers. The circumstances in which he told the answers would be rather strange, and his personality, adjusted by these circumstances, also would be rather strange, but nevertheless, he would be the only one with insight into the cherub biology, society, history and personality. Like Calliope and Caliborn, he lived in an ordinary house, but that didn't stop him from being an extraordinary man, heavily influenced by the world wide web.

But for now, Calliope resigned to her side of the house, locked it with a key she had since she was small - one she would never dare lose or give to anyone, given who she was living with - and continued her current writing project. Chapter 1.2. The Home Thing

The first time she had met them was in the summer of 2012. At that particular time, she was in a local grocery store with Caliborn. She had learned to make trips to the outside world as rarely as possible, given that, even in her human cover, she still looked alien, and her brother even more so. However, she didn't quite expect a passer-by to make this remark:

"Nice cosplay there, dude!"

Nice what? Since the sentence was followed by "dude", it was most likely directed at Caliborn, but he didn't even care enough to respond to random people with "I HATE YOu.", and therefore continued on with the matter at hand. Though, Calliope's curiosity was piqued, and thus she backed away to meet the passer-by.

"NO. CALLIOPE. COME BACK HERE." He shouted, but Calliope was already with the stranger and asked him: "excUse me, what?"

"That guy's a fan of Homestuck, right?"

"a fan of what?" Calliope was the most confused since the time when she actually learned that having green skin is not normal for a human.

"Homestuck. Maybe you're out of the circles, I'll tell you: it's a web- a webcomic... a webcomic where these four children play this game... and there are these aliens called trolls... and it's basically awesome and you should read it. Hey, its creator lives here, too."

"CALLIOPE. I TOLD YOu TO COME THE FuCK BACK HERE. AND CONTINuE WITH OuR BRIEF INTERVENTION. INTO THE OuTSIDE WORLD."

"Calliope? You mean this guy is actually in-" The stranger continued, but Calliope interrupted him: "sorry! my brother can be sUch a nUissance sometimes!" and left him for her brother.

She thought about what happened that one time for the rest of the day.

2 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One Apparently, Caliborn, unknown to Calliope, had read something, a web comic, called Home... something, and was in cost... pay. Not to mention, it wasn't too unlikely that Calliope was also part of the Home thing. Was she one of the trolls? She didn't even know how the identity as a "cherub" came to her. Perhaps she was really a troll, an integral part of the web comic where these four children play this game. Who would even read such a comic? Not to mention, since it's on the web, where people's attention spans drop by ninety or so percent?

And its creator... lives right here. So perhaps the comic wasn't traveling through tubes to reach this guy, but instead was relayed to him by the man who wrote the comic himself. Or perhaps the author of the web comic was actually a woman, since it's not exactly like people's identities are clearly known on the Internet. Or perhaps the author was a part of something called non-binary people, which Calliope had heard of the other day.

Calliope wanted to know more about the Home thing and the concept of cost-pay, but didn't precisely remember what to search for on the Internet. Not only did she not remember the comic's name, but the guy never mentioned the author's name. Worse yet, the guy was probably one of many in the town, and since it was the first time when she met someone who mentioned the Home thing, it most likely didn't have too many fans.

Calliope wanted to know more. Perhaps, since Caliborn was recognized without disguise, she needed to take her disguise off and walk in the streets. Though, Caliborn wouldn't let her out without him, and she didn't want to take the disguise off, since it felt like a part of her by now. She truly wanted to be human, rather than partake in the cost-pay thing. No, it was probably cost-play. The entire scene had thrown Calliope to shock, and since it was so brief and came out of the blue, Calliope couldn't remember it particularly well.

Nevertheless, Calliope could pursue the concept of web comics. She found out that they seemed just like the comics that were printed in books that one could buy on the grocery store, like the one where Calliope just was in not too long ago, and yet they were published on the Internet and could be read by anyone. There were comics like xkcd, Penny Arcade, Sluggy Freelance, Cyanide and Happiness, Kevin and Kell, and the list went on, and on, and on. And yet, Calliope could not find the Home thing, no matter how hard she tried.

At times like this, she really wished that she was born a human. With human parents, who would very likely make Caliborn's life much harder until he started to behave. Without needing to look into ways to disguise herself, so her look brings less attention to herself. And most likely, if she and Caliborn were actually human, this encounter would have never happened.

But alas, the past is in the past, and Calliope's mind was full of web comics and how she and her brother were somehow in one. She turned the lights of her locked room off and went to her sarcophagus-styled bed, but she couldn't put herself to sleep with all the thoughts about the Home thing and the cost-pay... cost-play... whatever.

Home... stuck? That's how Calliope felt, in the very least. Not only her brother did not allow her out for most of the time, the fear of unwanted attention that she got kept her inside her and Caliborn's home, at all times. Perhaps the web comic - the one that the stranger told her of, not the ones she glanced at after the encounter - could reciprocate Calliope's feelings.

STAGE 1 ==> 3 Though, Calliope didn't feel how her thoughts started to drift away, and she fell asleep. When she woke up, she didn't even have any memories of web comics or the Home thing; she only regarded the event as another occurrence when she and her brother were mocked for their appearance.

Little did Calliope know, though, that the one thing that would help her put the puzzle pieces together was coming on its way, quite literally. Chapter 1.3. Green Ghost

"dad, did we really have to move to the other side of the country?"

"IS THIS NOT WHAT YOU WANTED, SON?"

"Besides, I know your type. You will make friends with the locals pretty quickly. I'm sure of it!"

John Egbert was, to put it very briefly, conflicted about the move.

The place he was moving to, as far as he was concerned, was still far away from everyone else. What John really wished, though, was to meet up with the three dearest internet friends, with whom he had talked the most: Jade Harley, from a remote island in the Pacific; Rose Lalonde, from upstate New York; and lastly Dave Strider, from Austin, Texas.

Oh, speak of the devil. John saw that Dave had messaged him on his iPhone, which his dad had gotten him for his last birthday, almost a year ago.

-- turtnechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiolagist [EB] --

TG: john is this you TG: the real john egbert who just moved EB: yes, it is me. EB: the real john egbert who just moved. TG: id card number? EB: sigh. EB: here it is, for the record. EB: sorry, no pun intended. TG: heres mine TG: pretty annoying huh isnt it TG: ever since we got this pesterchum there has been an unending flurry of people wanting to be us TG: and to make matters worse TG: there are people who want to be us who are willing to misspell TG: i dont even get it TG: everywhere i want to register TG: someones already turntech godhead TG: and someone else is ecto biologist TG: and theyre in a romance TG: whos enough of an idiot to think i love you more than a bro EB: well, i see reasons...

4 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One TG: really? EB: jk no. EB: that's gross. EB: and besides, i am not a homosexual. TG: i know john you stated like a million times TG: still were best bros right TG: even though we disagree over things sometimes TG: those times are definitely not fun times EB: dave, no. EB: you can rap your heart out sometime else, but not now. TG: okay anyway lets get down to business TG: what is it even with long comforting talks that develop emotions TG: you think a lot of movies you watch would be shorter if it wasnt for all the tension and the breakup and the makeup TG: like what did i come to see an action movie or a romance TG: guess a movie needs a plot to pull in TG: and a romance plot seems like just the right thing EB: didn't we agree we're not in a romance a couple of minutes ago? TG: oh right TG: anyway TG: im moving too EB: what, where? TG: easthampton area code 413 massachusetts TG: your own birthday just for you john EB: whaaaaaaaaaaaaat. EB: that's where i moved! TG: sweet coincidence isnt it TG: nah i actually overheard my bro TG: turns out hes been talking with your dad roses mom and jades grandpa TG: and this whole move deal is very much arranged TG: he didnt want me to know though TG: but i did get some intel anyway TG: busted through that problem like a real sleuth TG: heres how its planned TG: you move first on april 10th TG: jade a day later TG: rose another day later TG: and im the last three days after you TG: just in time for your birthday april 13th EB: whaaaaaaaaaaat. EB: that is some serious level of organization right there. TG: happy upcoming birthday dude EB: uh, thanks? EB: and you said my dad's in it too? TG: of course he is TG: he was the easiest to find actually TG: just search pipefan413 on serious business and voila EB: listen, what you said makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. EB: airplane flights don't even work that way. EB: they're like, really hard to schedule that precisely. TG: it was a thing they discussed months ago TG: just bear with me TG: and better start thinking of nice words to say to jade when she comes TG: peace out

STAGE 1 ==> 5 -- turtnechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiolagist [EB] --

John was really puzzled now. The whole thing was prepared? He was going to ask his father right away.

"hey, dad?"

"YES, SON?"

"were you talking to dave's bro and others recently?"

"HMM."

"about this move thing?"

"OH, IT IS A SECRET. BUT I THINK IT IS A WONDERFUL SECRET. ONE THAT WILL REALLY WRAP YOUR YEAR UP. AND SHOW HOW MUCH YOU HAVE GROWN SINCE LAST YEAR. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU, SON."

"huh." John went back to his new room and began unpacking stuff and placing it wherever he wanted to.

John found Dave's revelation to be mind-blowing, in the very least. If the rumor was true, then that meant that the four were now to live together. This did feel like a dream come true, but the circumstances also made it feel like too good to be true. Meticulously planned, months ago in the very least? Even with the place in mind being carefully chosen? John really thought he would wake up now, back in Maple Valley, Washington, and simply get on with his life.

John remembered the first time that the four had met. If he remembered correctly, the four met through Pesterchum, back in the day when no one used it. There were literally just the four kids who had found each other and became entangled in this wonderful human emotion called friendship. Over years, the friendship developed, and as the years went by, the four could always discuss the newest affairs.

That is, until one day John logged onto Pesterchum and found someone at the "turntechGodhead" chumhandle who didn't really act like Dave. Confused, John had outright asked "dave, is this really you?", only to be responded with a line that brought many questions to his mind: "((Sorry for being so OOC.))". What is OOC? And what is up with the double brackets?

He made sure to double-check, but found himself locked out of his own chumhandle. They had been switching between chumhandles ever since, requesting images of their ID cards from each other at the beginning of each conversation. Quickly, they discovered that the best way to relay which misspelling they were on as was through their mobile phones, as John had posted his earlier today, just as he got a WiFi connection and could log onto Pesterchum.

6 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One Jade was a bit of an issue, though. Living so far away, she wasn't hooked to any mobile network. Luckily, her grandpa owned an enterprise which allowed Jade to have her own website, and she would publish the chumhandle on a password-protected part of the website. John really liked the ring of the password: 0413120112031204. It really reminded him that no matter what happened, the four were a group.

John finally got everything arranged. His desktop computer finally could be turned on, and everything else was in place as well, which meant nothing would be bothering him while he was playing his games. Unfortunately, once the computer was on, John was shocked to see the time: 10:11 PM, April 10th, 2017. Deciding that it would be for the best if he played his games another day, he simply shut his computer down and lay for a night's rest. Chapter 1.4. Blue Atom

-- tentacleTherapist1204 [TT] began pestering ectoBialogist [EB] --

TT: Morning, late bird. TT: My ID card, just in case. EB: wha? EB: rose? TT: How's the new place? EB: i don't know, cool i guess. EB: something's been worrying me, though. TT: Yes, John? EB: i was told that... EB: i was told that all four of us are moving to the same town. TT: Oh? TT: I presumed your father would not have let the secret past until your birthday. EB: no, dave told me. EB: it was an arrangement... TT: Between your father, my mother, Dave's elder brother and Jade's paternal-side grandfather? TT: Since you seem to have worked at least somewhat in recovering the mystery, I can confirm that the rumors are true. TT: Jade's flight descends today, at 1:25 PM on your current time zone, which happens to coincide with mine. TT: My own car ride arrives 5:20 PM tomorrow, approximately. TT: Lastly, Dave's flight descends the day after tomorrow, at 7:15 AM. TT: I have no idea why he chose to arrive so early. TT: But if I had to guess, likely his brother initiated the plan, and he, together with Dave, is planning an all-day activity. EB: hey, since you're moving, what is going to happen to your psychology studies? TT: Sociology. EB: blah blah more smart words. TT: That has been taken care of as well. TT: In fact, the date of the move was pretty well-chosen for this year, seeing as we all have graduated from high school already, and I'm the only one in college studies. TT: It would have been an irreparable clutter of timetables and grades if we had decided to move earlier, despite the fact that the friendship that

STAGE 1 ==> 7 bonds the four families together was as strong if not stronger in the previous years. TT: Anyway, they have something in place to allow moving between colleges, it turns out. TT: Due to my exceptional progress, the college year ended earlier for me, and a couple of treaties was signed allowing me to transfer between places of higher education seamlessly. TT: The grades from last year carried over, in fact. TT: That's my understanding of the legalese, in the very least. EB: whoa. TT: Have you and your guardians determined the perfect place for you? EB: i don't know, my dad is probably going to make me something dumb like a baker or a jester. EB: the prospect of a river of cake two days after today is already making me sick. EB: to think i would have to do things like this for the rest of my life just seems... bleurgh. EB: not to mention i didn't get into that programming class i wanted to. TT: Your career path is yours. TT: Perhaps, if computer programming is truly your passion, you don't need the validation of your parent or your results. TT: You just need motivation and determination. TT: Consider these my thoughts for you to ponder the next year. TT: After all, if I understand everything correctly, the 13th is going to be an all-day party. TT: Happy birthday, John. EB: uh, thanks, rose? TT: I think you should be saying hello to Jade, for the first time ever in person, about right now. TT: I'll take my leave now.

-- tentacleTherapist1204 [TT] ceased pestering ectoBialogist [EB] --

The words did cause a turmoil in John's mind for a bit. He thought that he should save them for this August, when college applications begin rolling out again, and carefully placed the file onto his computer desktop. Then, he was about to click on the Ghostbusters II MMORPG when he felt a hand touch his own left hand.

Startled, John turned around and saw a friendly girl, almost a woman but not quite that grown. Like him, she was wearing glasses and didn't keep her teeth all that well, and like him, she dressed almost entirely in white, with only a light blue and black atom sign sticking out.

"john you really seem shocked!" She spoke. John felt that the voice was familiar, but couldn't quite put his finger on it.

"john its me jade! like yknow your friend?" The girl spoke again. Oh, that's who she was. John now immediately recognized her. He had seen a photo of her, after all.

8 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "jade! i just didn't expect you to... i mean, i did see you on your card... but to see you in person..." Before John could blurb anything else, he found himself wrapped in Jade's arms; she was hugging him.

"john you have NO idea how exciting it is! the four of us will be united just for your birthday! and even the place is your birthday!"

"listen, jade. we'll talk on the 13th. we can even have some sort of party for the day. right now i just need to... need to relax. and you need to work on your new place. i bet your grandpa..."

"john is everything okay? arent you in mood for your birthday?"

"listen, jade. i... it's shocking and all, but what if it's just a dream? what if..."

"hey is this your computer?" Jade suddenly glanced on the table besides John. His desktop was nearly filled with programming projects and video games. He was always conflicted between these two passions, and pursued them in equal parts.

"jade, i just... i don't want you here right now. i want my time all alone." John was embarrassed just for the fact that someone other than his father or Nanna saw his computer.

"john... you cant mean... you would rather the move..." Jade suddenly was reduced to tears.

"no! everything with the move is okay! it's just that... oh god dammit." John watched as Jade sat on his newly constructed bed, crying like she was much younger, unable to string a word anymore.

Still crying, Jade walked out of John's room. Part of John felt bad for Jade and wanted to run across the house to find her, and another part wanted to just go back to playing the Ghostbusters II MMORPG.

John stood at his doorstep, unable to choose, and felt that he would cry too.

"SON. ABOUT YOUR GARDEN FRIEND." John heard his father through the door.

"yes?"

"IT IS ACTUALLY OKAY. I TALKED TO HER. SHE MISUNDERSTOOD YOUR WORDS. AND BESIDES, SHE DOES NOT HOLD HER EMOTIONS THAT WELL AROUND OTHER PEOPLE."

"huh." John was surprised that somehow, his father knew more about Jade than he did.

"REMEMBER, SHE IS STILL YOUR FRIEND. AND THE FACT THAT YOU HAD HER AS A FRIEND FOR SO LONG IS AMAZING IN AND OF ITSELF. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU."

John said nothing. He simply sat on his bed, thinking about his father's words.

STAGE 1 ==> 9 Chapter 1.5. Orchid Horror

Rose Lalonde was looking for ways to pass the time in the car ride.

She never felt so disconnected before. It seemed that she lived in the middle of nowhere, with only her mother for company, but that wasn't quite true. Even upstate New York was populated, and Rose could find commodities around her. But right now, it was only her, her mother and the car, with everything she ever needed during her life in heartless boxes.

She tried writing on her laptop, but felt she just couldn't do it anymore. Everything she wrote now just felt like a Sociology study, and it was rather a shame. Back in the day, her writing was rather developed, and insights into other people's minds served meaning, as they progressed the story. But as of now, the very same insights, once they were integrated with scientific terms, lost meaning as the conclusion was to be a factual statement that could be used for other studies.

Therefore, she picked up a Spanish e-book and started reading. Foreign language learning intrigued her before, but with the rise of Duolingo learning more and more languages now felt like a game; a game with an actual purpose, in which you gain insight into other cultures. At first, she had learned French at school, but couldn't quite piece the separate words and grammar structures into a coherent language until she started reading literature. With the rise of Duolingo, the same happened for German, and now, the story was repeating for Spanish.

As she was reading the book, the plot of the book became a vivid image in her head. There was, of course, a part of the image which scrutinized the personality of every character and how they communicated, but luckily, at least when she was reading stories by others, there was a part of the image which was an uninterrupted, flawless picture. This picture set a mood entirely different from the one of the car ride, and therefore the passage of time felt faster, or in the very least less noticeable.

The story was familiar to Rose. After all, she carefully picked her literature to be translations of English literature she was familiar with. In fact, at some point, via acquaintances and subliminal persuasion, Rose even got her own literature translated to the languages she was learning at the time. The familiarity, though, was what allowed Rose to see the same story from a different angle, as each language had a different personality. Some of these views from a different angle strengthened views from other angles, and a more complete picture developed in her head.

And yet, she found herself not able to create such a complete picture from scratch herself. She only served the purpose of a biologist, dissecting frogs for anatomy analysis. The frogs were already dead by the time of the procedure, and the procedure itself didn't do any help.

As these thoughts, intertwined with thoughts about the story, passed in Rose's mind, she noticed that her laptop's battery was getting low. Nevertheless, the story had done its deal, and now she could think of the cornucopia of thoughts with only her own mind, covered by thick layers of bone and blonde hair, so that even her mother was blissfully unaware of what her own only daughter was thinking.

At last, they had arrived. At 5 PM in April, the sky was still bright, but the sun was already growing tired of staying in the sky. Likewise, Rose was tired of staying in the car, bur nevertheless someone

10 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One had to take all the boxes from the car to her new house, and herself and her mother were the only candidates. Luckily, Rose seemed up to the task, having taken martial arts classes years ago and remembering to keep her body shape just perfect all the time.

In what seemed neither too long nor too short of a time, all the boxes were moved. Rose herself, however, was still pondering one last thought: Should she present herself to John today? Luckily, the answer already came her through the phone from Dave: "leave john alone everything for tomorrow".

The subsequent texts clarified the situation. As Jade had told Dave, she wasn't quite as ready to meet new people as she had thought, and ended up misunderstanding what John said her. As a result, she broke down emotionally, thinking the friendship was over. Given that Rose was in a similar situation, she was also to be cautious.

Nevertheless, she still wanted to inform John somehow that she was where he was. However, she couldn't bring herself to type anything anymore, and simply passed out on the couch where she was laying.

Perhaps it was for the better. That day, John spent all day playing the Ghostbusters II MMORPG. The fanbase of the game had significantly dropped since its launch in 2008, but nevertheless it was playable and the few people that played the game felt like friends to John.

They could never replace Jade, Rose and Dave, though. The people on the Ghostbusters II MMORPG were united by a single interest, while the early Pesterchum users were united by different interests, which, via various combinations, made the resulting friendship stronger with each passing day.

Eventually, the game session came to an end. The players wished each other good night, and John turned the game then the PC off. Then, he got to lay down and think about what happened today.

Oddly enough, while Jade came around, Rose didn't. Did something in the whole arrangement go wrong? Or perhaps maybe this was really proof that this was all a dream? John remained highly skeptical of whatever was to come.

Though, one thing that no one could deny that a special day came tomorrow: John Egbert's birthday.

STAGE 1 ==> 11 Chapter 1.6. Red Disc

"Good morning, late bird!"

What John Egbert certainly did not expect was for three ghastly-dressed white people to greet him and wake him up. One of them was definitely Jade, and the others...? Were they really...?

"jade? rose? dave?" John blurted out, still half-sleeping.

"hey thats so uncool / you mentioned my name last / i thought i was your best bro / but i guess since youre so "not homosexual" / you want to be ladies first / jk john / happy birthday"

"happy birthday john! a new exciting page of all of our lives turns"

"Happy birthday, John. And may we all have a good time today." Rose finished and took Dave and Jade out of the room, so that John could get dressed. Once he got dressed - the same white Green Slime Ghost shirt and shorts - he walked out of his room and thanked everyone.

"well, THAT was certainly an awesome birthday present. now no one's going to separate us anymore!"

John wasn't aware, though, that the day just began and that it certainly had chances of being ruined anytime. That didn't matter to him, though. It was his birthday, after all, and he needed to celebrate.

And the four teenagers did celebrate, for a while.

Of all the friends, Dave Strider was concerned by the move the least.

He actually initiated the plan. Given how everyone else mused about how awesome it would be to meet in person, he and his brother got into several talks about it, and the talks ended up involving John's dad, Rose's mom and Jade's grandpa. John should have felt grateful towards Dave; but no, he always had to dismiss the bro-ship by using his standard phrase "i am not a homosexual." Not to mention, Dave had always tried to keep the coolkid facade up, and whenever he mentioned something like this, he always had to follow with "jk" and continue his persona, established and polished for years.

Dave didn't even feel like the whole move changed anything for him. Still, most of his life was on the Internet, following celebrities and fans of his own webcomic, Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff. Each of these groups had its own stories, and Dave would gladly share those stories, even if no one wanted to listen. They would have to listen someday. The information couldn't be simply lost. It had to reach someone, be it a disinterested teenager or a historian from the distant future.

Dave was glad that Snoop Dogg decided not to stick with the newfangled nickname Snoop Lion. Like Snoop Dogg himself, Dave thought that the nickname sounded lame, and wasn't quite suitable for a true rap star. Dave wondered what would happen if Mr. T was to change his own name to another letter. That would be stupid. Removing the designation of any celebrity's character and

12 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One tacking on another designation is not thought of, and the same rules applied to Snoop Lion... well, Snoop Dogg. Dave had to rethink the phase where he would mention Snoop Lion to everyone, and had to convince himself that the thought that a name remains a name is much better.

Dave followed Ellen Degeneres and the fact that she gave pizza to everyone on the Academy Awards, and wanted to have his own pizza party, where everyone gets a pizza, with his current friends. He didn't know how John would react if he were to knew this was really a cheap imitation of the Academy Awards, but that wouldn't have mattered for the pizza party itself; everyone loves pizza and nothing can change that.

Dave was already thinking of a Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff comic that wasn't topical in any way. He already had the idea of having one of them get a Hitler moustache, only to be accused of being a stinking Nazi, and that's where the comic ended. No moral about the Holocaust, no anything. Just the moustache and that's it.

Dave had another Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff idea. It would be a lengthier series about sports. Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff would, in each strip of the series, try on a different sport, but it would always be ruined due to the red guy's escapades which ended up in failure. The red guy was so much clumsier than the blue guy. In Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff, the clumsiness defined the character. At the very top was the yellow Big Man, who manipulated the rock like it was nothing, then there was Geromy in the same tier, then there was the suave blue guy, then there was Barack Obana, who just couldn't not fuck up the econony, and at the lowest rung there was the red guy, most known for falling down a flight of stairs.

Dave was wondering if he could sell the idea of the comic and have the people right here, right now believe it. Getting fans on the Internet was so easy, but getting a particular person was hard. In fact, it was a miracle that John, Jade and Rose even knew of the online persona that Dave cultivates, and that was through extensive persuasion and "the power of friendship", whatever that was. Friendship isn't even an emotion, for fuck's sake.

Of all things, Dave remembered that he was the cool guy. It was a good thing that friendship wasn't an emotion, because a coolkid must not show any emotion. No happiness, no disgust, no fear, no pity. No excited glances, no tears. No twisting of mouths in any direction, because the fact that humans did it was disgusting and stupid, and the way it was shown in animation just emphasized that it was disgusting and stupid. A coolkid only has his own very clear stance, and nothing is going to mold it. A coolkid is a literal living statue. Not like those living statues that coat themselves in white and move to surprise children. Dave was a better kind of a living statue.

Dave Strider was a coolkid, and no one could ever take that away from him, even in the context of years or decades.

STAGE 1 ==> 13 Chapter 1.7. The Incident

Calliope and Caliborn decided to celebrate their hatching day in their own way.

Since both Calliope and Caliborn were human graduates, they couldn't get a preposterous amount of allowances anymore. Luckily, Calliope had already begun selling her own artwork on the Internet, and that earned them a fair amount of money. It certainly wasn't enough to live the same life as before, but they could live some sort of life, at least. They could even celebrate with the money that they saved.

And so, they both were off in the streets, just looking forward to buying the strangest cake ever. For the first time since last year, they were truly wandering the streets, still fearful that people would recognize them as the whatevers they always were implied to be.

And luckily, they weren't. Instead, the strangers had picked on a group of four people, two men, two women, who all dressed in white, and their only distinguishing feature was the symbols that they wore on their chests.

"Hey, look, a group of beta kids cosplayers!"

"It's a shame they didn't go for God Tier pajamas, that would have made a much more striking picture..."

"...though, the level of detail paid to the cosplay and the cosplayers' personalities..."

"Hey, is that guy over here supposed to be Caliborn?" Oh, god dammit. Now people were onto Calliope and Caliborn as well.

"And who's with him? Is she a non-Homestuck guardian looking after him?"

"If they aimed for consistency, Caliborn should have red circles, not red spirals..."

"AHEM." Caliborn spoke for the first time in several years of his torment. "YES, I AM CALIBORN. YES, I HAVE RED SPIRALS. NO, HAVING RED CIRCLES IS DuMB IN AND OF ITSELF. NO, CALLIOPE, STOP INTERROGATING THE FOuR HuMANS. AND GO THE FuCK BACK HERE. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL THIS. YOu WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT OF A SISTER."

"If that's Calliope, then I'm Her Imperious Condescension."

"No, I understand, that's Calliope who's cosplaying as a human..."

"...though, it is rather OOC, since Calliope is more interested in trolls and has created a trollsona..."

"excUse me, trolls?" Calliope was confused once again.

"What, you don't know what the trolls are?"

14 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "CALLIOPE. I SAID. COME THE FuCK BACK HERE." Caliborn shouted. The situation was quickly becoming pear-shaped for everyone involved.

"no! please! i have to know!" Calliope pleaded, only for Caliborn to come over her, punch her in the face and kick her in the stomach, knocking her over and sending her to tears.

"Hey, I understand you're Caliborn and all, but that was fucking rude. You apologize to her this instant."

"alright WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON" Dave was the first one of the "beta kids" to respond.

"NOTHING IS WHAT'S GOING ON."

"you punched and kicked that girl dont lie i saw it"

"WELL. SHE WAS REFuSING TO STAY WITH ME. WE WERE EVEN GOING TO BuY A CAKE. FOR OuR HATCHING DAY."

"hatching day"

"calliope, is everything okay?" John quickly walked over to the coated girl. She didn't respond; she was only crying now.

"YES. HATCHING DAY. LIKE YOuR HuMAN BIRTHDAYS. BuT THEN. SHE HAD TO TEAM uP. WITH THE "HOMOSuCK" PEOPLE."

"hey she didnt team up / she was just genuinely interested"

"HEY. DON'T MAKE ME PuNCH YOu. LIKE I PuNCHED HER."

"oh you wanna fight / you wanna fight now" Caliborn was already launching a punch towards Dave, but he flashstepped and avoided being punched.

"HEY. WHERE THE FuCK DID YOu GO."

"idk / was right there all this time" Once Caliborn oriented and realized where Dave was, he was about to kick him, but Dave flashstepped again.

"YOu DID IT AGAIN. DON'T LIE TO ME. IT'S ONLY FAIR. SINCE YOu ASKED ME NOT TO LIE TO YOu."

"nope"

"Alright, everyone, listen. Violence is not a solution." Rose announced, already having a couple of locals by her side.

"OH, YOu'RE SHOWING uP. WELL, WHAT ARE YOu GOING TO DO. CRY SADLY LIKE MY SISTER?"

STAGE 1 ==> 15 "No, it's perfectly simple. I have to persuade you, so that you show mercy towards Calliope. In addition, she will have to undergo post-trauma therapy and it's very likely that you will receive punishment for..."

"BLAH BLAH BLAH I'M SMART AND I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOuT BLAH BLAH BLAH."

"You've been warned."

"ALRIGHT. THIS HAS LASTED FOR ENOuGH. CALLIOPE. COME OVER HERE."

"no! i'm NOT letting you have her." John stood up defensively.

"WHAT THE FuCK IS GOING ON. WHY IS EVERYONE AROuND ME."

"well maybe YOU PUNCHED CALLIOPE AND NEED TO APOLOGIZE!!!!" Jade snapped.

"A Calliope cosplayer." A local corrected Jade.

"whatever"

"hey, calliope, everything okay now?" John was still by Calliope, who still was crying and in pain.

"oh, it's nothing. i'm Used to my brother behaving like that."

"that is so wrong on so many levels."

"bUt on my hatching day..."

"a hatching day? you mean your birthday?"

"well, yeah. like yoUr hUman birthdays..."

"hey, it's my birthday today. anyway, happy hatching day."

"and happy birthday to yoU, i suppose..."

"ALRIGHT. THIS HAS TO STOP. CALLIOPE. I'M NOT GOING TO SAY IT AGAIN. COME WITH ME."

"well, goodbye... who are yoU?"

"john egbert."

"No. No, no, no. These Calliope and Caliborn cosplayers are not staying together." Another local, who was on Rose's newfound group, announced.

"YES. YES, YES, YES. SHE IS MY SISTER. AND NEEDS TO STAY WITH ME."

16 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "We already talked this over. You're abusive and the Calliope deserves better than this."

"OH. YOu WANNA BE PuNCHED LIKE HER."

"Don't you fucking dare."

Suddenly, the scene was pierced by several claps, and people looked over to see who clapped. He was wearing a Space hoodie, had blank eyes, luscious lips and slightly messy hair. He also looked severely undernourished, as if he was on nothing but work on his computer for several years.

"They're with me."

It was Andrew Hussie, the man who created Homestuck, himself. Chapter 1.8. The Revelation

"IT'S ANDREW HUSSIE, THE CREATOR OF HOMESTUCK!" one of the fangirls squealed.

All the locals, sans Calliope and Caliborn, had recognized Hussie. In a momentary lapse, they had forgotten the abuse scene that just happened earlier, and instead were ogling the one man who they had practically sold their souls to. Not even the actual people - the ones who were not really cosplayers - were going on about it anymore, since they, too, were interested in just who was the man that the others adored.

He wasn't quite something to adore. But, since he was "the creator of Homestuck", perhaps he had an interesting story to tell.

"John Egbert, Jade Harley, Rose Lalonde, Dave Strider, Calliope and Caliborn. They're with me. Come with me." Andrew announced. The six non-cosplayers thus went up to Hussie (though, Calliope still wanted to stay as far as possible from her brother).

"Hey, Hussie, will you sign this poster for me?"

"This copy of Homestuck Book Three?"

"This piece of fanart I drew?"

"My own celebrity autograph book?"

"No, no, no and no. Not until I have a talk. Now, everyone. Please be silent." Andrew said and continued walking. Quite presumably, everyone else was following him, therefore he had to pick up a faster pace. But even the faster pace wasn't enough to get rid of these people.

Not again... Andrew thought. He briefly concentrated his mind, and in a moment he and the six people he needed were above the ground and flying through the streets. Once they flew to their destination, which was Andrew's own home, they carefully landed. The act of flying was simple and methodical... which was completely unlike what Homestuck was.

STAGE 1 ==> 17 "what on earth was that." John wondered.

"Authorial powers." Hussie replied. The seven people then walked into Andrew's home, sat down wherever they could, and glanced at him, noticing that he locked the door so that no fangirl or fanboy could come in.

"So, what is the big deal? We just moved here recently, and?" Rose asked.

"hey also / was the locking even necessary / one even has to think / are you locking them out / or are you locking us in"

"Yes." Andrew answered (ansrewed?).

"well we were about to have a birthday party right now..." Jade got sad.

"YES. WE TWO WERE ALSO CELEBRATING. A "BIRTHDAY.""

"don't lie, caliborn!"

"SHuT THE FuCK uP, CALLIOPE."

"Well, then I have a birthday present that will shock you right out of your lives. And besides, you needed to be told this long ago. It's not even funny how all of you graduated high school, not knowing this, yet feeling something wrong."

"feelin something wrong / now i know youre shittin me i feel nothing wrong / im cool as ever"

"Oh, really, Dave?"

"No, but seriously, what do you mean?" Rose, again, was curious.

"You never came across a thing where people were trying to be you?"

The four kids got to thinking. Surely, they were consistently locked out of their Pesterchum chumhandles, yet seemed to ignore this as a natural thing, since people were bound to imitate the early days of Pesterchum.

However, the two cherubim were still as bored as ever, since they didn't use Pesterchum and didn't talk to each other or anyone on the outside that much.

"People who were typically known as roleplayers, or cosplayers if it was in real life?"

Now, the two cherubim were thinking as well. Surely, they were called cosplayers of Homestuck a couple of times.

"People who would try and pry your "real" identities out, as if you weren't the people you claimed to be, and those who revealed their identities once they had done their fooling?"

18 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "nah" Dave was lying, like a filthy liar he was. His whole life was a big lie.

"Really?"

"i said nah you think nah doesnt mean what it means"

"he's into it. we four are definitely into it."

"dammit john"

"As for you, Calliope and Caliborn, didn't the fact that you aren't human offset you?"

"YES. IT VERY MuCH OFFSET ME. uNTIL I REALIZED. I HAVE TO BE PROuD OF WHO I AM. THE RuTHLESS, FEARLESS, NON-NEGOTIATING BEING. THAT IS CALIBORN ENGLISH. WHO IS ME."

"Is your last name really "English", or did you come up with it so a full name sounds better?" The mention of Caliborn's "full" name confused Hussie.

"IT'S A MARKER OF MY NATIONALITY. AS AN ENGLISH-SPEAKING EARTHLING. THAT SHOuLD DEFINE ME. IN A GALAXY FuLL OF CHERuBIM."

"In that case, shouldn't it be "Caliborn American", given that you grew up in the United States of America?"

"THAT SOuNDS uGLY AND YOu KNOW IT. AS DOES "CALIBORN EARTHLING." I WENT FOR THE NAME. THAT HAD A RING TO IT. THAT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT. THAT I AM AMERICAN, ENGLISH AND AN EARTHLING."

"I thought English people were actually from England? And not New England, which is the place I believe this to be." Rose inquired.

"NO. I MEAN AN ENGLISH SPEAKER."

"Then, wouldn't it be Caliborn Anglophone?"

"NO. WHO WANTS "PHONE" TO BE IN THEIR NAME? I AM NOT AN APPARATuS. THAT HuMANS uSE FOR COMMuNICATION."

"Well, that certainly is proof that you made the name up." Hussie concluded.

"IT IS STILL SOMETHING I WAS BORN WITH. OR, WELL, HATCHED."

"What if I told you you weren't born nor were hatched, in a sense?"

"WHAT."

STAGE 1 ==> 19 "I'm saying this with a painful heart but... (That's where you all listen.)" Andrew was not quite sure how he inserted the parentheses into a spoken part, and didn't think that the added remark would make the six listen, but, luckily for him, they listened.

"You are actually fictional characters."

"Well, that would explain why I am at one with other fictional characters." Rose immediately concluded, leaning back.

"fictional... you mean we're not real?" John wondered.

"No, you're real. I brought you to reality. It's just that you're my creations, and you're read about."

Everyone was now freaked out. The implications were ambiguous, but in the very least implied that this Andrew Hussie man had complete control of their lives.

After the shock sank in, Caliborn asked: "IF THIS IS CORRECT. WOuLDN'T THE STORY THAT YOu WROTE. THAT FEATuRES uS. BE IN FACT "HOMOSuCK?""

"Homestuck."

"WHATEVER."

"home what?" Calliope felt that she was ever closer to knowing just who she is.

"Home - stuck. Part of MS Paint Adventures."

"so the answer is yes" Dave concluded.

"Yes. I wrote Homestuck and you are my creations."

"WELL. THAT WAS A WASTE OF TIME. WHERE COuLD I APPLY THIS KNOWLEDGE?"

"Huh." Hussie didn't know what to say. Fictional worlds certainly weren't applicable in many places.

"ALSO. SINCE WE KNOW THAT. CAN I GO OuTSIDE. AND CELEBRATE MY HATCHING DAY."

"this is the weirdest birthday i have ever had."

"You will. I will let you out... let's say we will read Act 1, and then you're free for the rest of the day for whatever you wanted to do for the day."

"wait wait wait / so youre actually insisting that we should read homestuck"

"Why not? It will certainly help you enlighten yourselves."

20 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "on what / that im dave strider and that im cool at all times"

"You will find that you have a much richer personality than this. I can tell that behind the coolkid facade hides a guy who isn't that great at any social or emotional behavior."

"nah / that aint me"

"As well as that, the cherubim will learn a great deal of stuff about themselves. How one of them is supposed to become dominant over the other."

"yes! i want to learn more aboUt the cherUbim!"

"FOR ONCE. I AGREE WITH MY SISTER."

"Well, then let's get started. Fair warning, though, that it isn't the fastest-paced novel ever, and that the cherubim and even the trolls will have to wait."

"the trolls?" These were Calliope's real question, even surpassing her own identity crisis. The trolls were mentioned everywhere this Home-stuck thing went.

"What, you don't know who the trolls are?"

"no, who are they?"

"Then you will learn. At any rate." Hussie and his creations went to his room, where a computer and a ridiculous projector were propped. "Ever since I completed Homestuck, I was meaning to re- read it and came up with this set-up. I even got it set up so seven people could read it. Not that I knew it would happen."

"Yes, you did." Rose opposed.

"No, I didn't."

"Haven't you looked into the concept of fate?"

"Don't believe in fate. Anyway. You're distracting me." Hussie entered the MS Paint Adventures site, and right there, labeled as "s equals 6", was a story called:

"Homestuck."

STAGE 1 ==> 21 Chapter 1.9. Zoosmell Pooplord

Author's idiotisms: Due to obvious reasons, the precise text of Homestuck, in its entirety, won't be reproduced here. If you want to follow, I highly recommend actually having the MS Paint Adventures page open on a different tab, or Homestuck Book One by your side.

"a young man stands in his bedroom." John was the first to read the very first page of Homestuck. "it just so happens that today, the 13th of april... hey, that's me! that sure looks an awful lot like me on the screen. though, i'm definitely younger here. and where are my arms?"

"In your..." Hussie almost spoiled the next few pages.

"though it was thirteen years ago he was given life... yeah, that was definitely from, like, 2009."

"I started Homestuck in 2009."

"what that long ago?" Jade wondered.

"There is a reasonable amount of sense in setting your story in the present day," Rose started the discussion, "seeing as, if you were writing a story about the distant past, you can fall victim to anachronisms, and, if you were writing a story about the distant future, you risk predicting the future wrong and failing to appeal to future readers, re: what happened to Back to the Future Part II."

"That, or I could write a story that wasn't bound to a particular time, like Jailbreak. Though, those are the most difficult to do."

"But, perhaps, the challenges in writing are what makes the story distinguishable. A story set in the past or the future gives the reader a sense of what life might be like during those times, while a timeless story could be passed down through generations, like the story of Cinderella or the Thousand and One Nights stories."

"Then again, Jailbreak isn't exactly a timeless story that could be passed down through generations, what with the copious excrement scenes..."

"uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuGH." Caliborn chimed in.

"What?" Rose was puzzled.

"THAT WAS THE CHERuB NOISE. THAT INDICATES. THAT WE NEED TO SHuT THE FuCK uP. AND GET TO THE MATTER AT HAND."

"right on it." John helped. "...it is only today he will be given a name! what will the name of this young man be? well, i don't know, john egbert?"

22 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One Andrew subtly smiled as he clicked on the next page, reading "Enter name." What John read there, though, shocked him.

"ZOOSMELL POOPLORD." Caliborn got excited over John's "name". "THAT'S IT. THAT'S YOuR NAME. HEY, ZOOSMELL. YOu STINK SO BAD. ONE COuLD EVEN SAY. THAT YOu SMELL LIKE A ZOO. HA. HA. HA."

"hey, that wasn't funny! you take it back this instant."

"YES IT WAS."

"maybe to your dirty mind it was / but remember were still reading homestuck / :/" Jade commented.

"NAH. I ALREADY READ ALL OF HOMOSuCK I NEED. AND ALREADY, I CAN MAKE AN ENDLESS WELL OF JOKES. HEY, ZOOSMELL."

"i'm john."

"NO, YOu'RE ZOOSMELL POOPLORD. OR DON'T YOu REMEMBER? SINCE YOu SHAT YOuR MEMORY OuT? OH MY GOD. HOMOSuCK IS SO AWESOME. SINCE IT MAKES FuN OF ITS OWN CHARACTERS. AND DOES SO. COMPLETELY VOLuNTARILY. WHILE THE CHARACTERS. JuST FROWN WITH THEIR SHIRT FIGuRINES..."

"try again, smartass!" Calliope read the text that Caliborn forgot to read.

"GO BACK TO CRYING, WORTHLESS SISTER."

"friendly reminder that you still didnt apologize to her for punching and kicking her" Dave reminded. While the joke was going on, Hussie had already clicked on the next page, and in it the boy was given a proper name: John Egbert.

"so he is me."

"HEY, ZOOSMELL. ZOOSMELL, ARE YOu HEARING ME? OR ARE YOu A RESPECTABLE BuSINESSMAN. MR. POOPLORD, CEO OF SHIT AND PISS INDuSTRIES."

"i am not a businessman, i am just an aspiring programmer. and once again, it's john. see, even the webcomic agrees."

"I FAIRLY REMEMBER. THAT IT DIDN'T JuST A MOMENT AGO."

"well, it didn't want to, but something put it on track."

"I REFuSE TO ACCEPT THAT, ZOOSMELL."

"john."

STAGE 1 ==> 23 "ZOOSMELL POOPLORD. IT'S ME, CALIBORN ENGLISH, AND I'M TRYING TO SMACK SOME SENSE INTO YOu."

"john egbert. look, hussie's already switched onto the next page. clearly says: your name is john. as was previously mentioned..."

"WHAT THE FuCK. I'M NOT JOHN. WHAT KIND OF IDIOT WOuLD WANT TO BE JOHN."

"what kind of asshole would want to be caliborn" Dave interrupted.

"THE BEST KIND OF ASSHOLE, THAT'S WHO." Caliborn remained as proud of himself as ever.

"The fact that there are people aspiring to acquire the title of "the best kind of asshole" is kind of depressing, to be honest." Rose dropped her remark.

"JUST WAIT uNTIL YOu'RE NAMED ANNOYING BLABBERMOuTH OR SOMETHING TO THAT EFFECT." Caliborn felt it was only right to put the human back to her place.

"...you also like to play games sometimes. what will you do? well, that... was surprisingly accurate, i must say."

"NO IT ISN'T. YOuR INTERESTS. ACTuALLY PERTAIN TO YOuR NAME. OF ZOOSMELL POOPLORD. THAT IS, YOu LOVE SMELLING LIKE A ZOO. AND..."

"hey youre not his internet friend shut up" Dave stopped Caliborn.

"NEITHER ARE YOu."

"yes i am"

"caliborn, we're never going to read homestUck like this when yoU're dropping yoUr remarks all the time!" Calliope was perhaps the angriest at Caliborn, even if she said the least.

"HEY. YOu WITH THE COATING ON YOuR FACE. SHuT uP."

"Alright, this has lasted for enough." Hussie clicked the next page.

"HAHAHAHA. I KNEW IT! NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I AM A SMARTASS AND WILL HAVE TO TRY AGAIN, JOHN IS ZOOSMELL POOPLORD! I AM SO AWESOME."

"how does one even retrieve his arms that doesnt make sense"

"On the other hand..."

"geddit"

"...perhaps the story is simply making fun of its stylistic decisions."

24 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "HA."

"well i hope the terrible names are forgotten by the time im a character..." Jade couldn't help it.

"HA."

"So, are you actually reading Homestuck or..." Hussie wondered, only for Caliborn to say it again:

"HA."

The room fell into silence. Evidently, no one could take Caliborn seriously but himself.

"HA. HEY, ZOOSMELL. ZOOSMELL POOPLORD, I'M TALKING TO YOu."

"right here it says "john"."

"WELL, RIGHT HERE IT SAYS "POOPLORD.""

"i'm giving up on your logic."

"HA."

"ha" Dave finally thought. "i just realized / to appease the monster we must think together with it / anyway here i go / ha"

"HA."

"ha"

"HA."

"ha"

"HA. THANKS FOR LAuGHING WITH ME. NOW LET'S CONTINuE THE ADVENTuRES OF ZOOSMELL."

"fuck"

"my name isn't fuck either." John was slightly angered on the inside. Was his friend really enjoying the company of this... this monster? Given that it was Dave, it was probably just irony, but that didn't stop John from feeling the raw emotion.

"HA."

"hey you thanked for laughing its unfair" There were certain rules Dave was playing with, and he knew in his heart that Caliborn was violating them right now.

"HA."

STAGE 1 ==> 25 "Alright, Cali, we've had our laughs. Now let's get back to Homestuck."

"OKAY, JuST ONE LAST TIME."

"Well, five pages in and already we're losing interest." Rose commented on the situation. While everyone was pondering her thoughts for a good minute, Caliborn finally said:

"HA." Chapter 1.10. Captchalogue

"remove cake from magic chest." John read.

To be honest, after five pages Homestuck didn't seem that interesting to anyone. Likely, like the Jailbreak thing that was mentioned several minutes ago, Homestuck was simply enjoying vulgar humor, and its fans who wanted to be John and Dave so badly were similarly uncultured. Though, as some realized, those that claimed that the four... young adults were in fact "beta kids cosplayers" did seem to be properly dressed and outgoing, and the fact that Homestuck took several years to complete, as well as its structure with an Act 1, which almost definitely implied an Act 2, put these convictions to a question.

This page, though, was something else. This page was seemingly part of a video game, where one could pick stuff up and move it at will. And not to mention, the hypothetical reader/player being was doing it "out of sympathy for John's perceived lack of arms".

No one, as of now, felt like dropping a comment. Caliborn, of all people, disliked the sudden change from vulgar humor to faux gameplay, and decided to remain silent for the following pages, while Calliope was still feeling uncomfortable around him. John himself, as well as Rose, had their eyes up on the projector, wondering what will happen next, while Dave and Jade acted like their own couple, just refusing to comment for the sake of cool.

Therefore, it was time to move onto the next page.

"quickly retrieve arms from magic chest. oh, you should have told me those were FAKE arms."

"HEY. HEY, ZOOSMELL."

"oh my god, caliborn, what again?"

"ONE WONDERS, THOuGH. WHAT WOuLD HAPPEN. IF I REALLY RIPPED YOuR ARMS OFF? AND MADE YOu RETRIEVE THEM."

"well, obviously, i wouldn't be able to pick anything up anymore, since i wouldn't have arms."

"DAMMIT."

"Why joke about a stylistic change all of a sudden?" Rose wondered. "In the comic, John's arms are only drawn when they're relevant to the story, e.g. when he's picking stuff up. Perhaps the supposed

26 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One game does not want to show John's emotions through his arms unnecessarily, since his face already serves the purpose pretty well."

"BECAuSE IT'S STuPID. I DARE YOu. I DARE YOu TO DRAW ME WITHOuT ARMS."

"Coming right up." Hussie quickly tabbed away from Homestuck to open a page on the MS Paint Adventures Wiki, titled "Caliborn". True to the story, Caliborn was depicted in the same style, without arms.

"I'M GOING TO STAB SOMEONE."

Hussie quickly switched back to Homestuck. When he did, John noticed the clutter in his fictionalized counterpart's "magic chest".

"gee, there's a lot of stuff in there. anyway, let's go examine contents of the chest."

Hussie thus clicked on the next page.

"well / lets see" Dave commented. "worthless stuff / more worthless stuff / a captchalogue card / the magic chest / a picture of a complete douchebag / and yeah thats about it"

"this stuff isn't worthless! see, it could make a pretty good prankster. maybe i could really begin work as a street comedian."

"But I thought you had a burning desire to be a computer programmer?" Rose inquired.

"AUGH. if only i was born a century ago or something..."

"then you wouldnt have all these movies you mack on" Dave began consistently crushing John with his words.

"rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr."

"hey jade / youre out of this homestuck trash as well right" Dave asked.

"well it does seem like itll go about john forever and ever / and i do wanna see myself faster..." Jade replied.

"wanna play minecraft pocket edition with me"

"what / to pass time????? / no way / ill miss it"

"look well basically read homestuck on our own later if youre so into it / in case we miss a WHOLE bunch / and john and rose keep bugging us about it" Dave was playing up his own feelings, but as per the coolkid façade, that was the thing that worked to persuade Jade.

STAGE 1 ==> 27 "okay i get it..." Jade pulled out her own mobile device that she recently acquired. Dave then quickly organized it so Minecraft was installed, and in no time the two were simply killing time, rather than being into Homestuck.

John, though, was quite into Homestuck for someone his age, and that puzzled him and Rose. "i wonder what's inside these books."

"You'll get to read them soon."

"i, for one, woUld like to learn something from the wise gUy!" Calliope finally chimed in.

"Everything in the future acts. Now. Let's keep on moving with the smoke pellets."

"i just realized."

"What?" Rose was curious how, despite the fact that she looked into Homestuck much more deeply, John could have figured something out faster than she did.

"this blue link actually leads to the next command that will be executed."

"Really?" Rose leaned back. That was what John figured out? He still had a long way to go before he could work with logic. After all, logic is what a computer programmer needs, right? As an aspiring sociologist, Rose had no idea, to be honest.

"okay, so i captchalogue the smoke pellets, and will need the fake arms again for some reason."

"But wait." Hussie grinned and clicked to get to the next page.

"what" Dave couldn't even properly start his game and already he was interrupted. "pffhahaha / already egderp got the game system to show a big red X"

"WHAT." Caliborn was also distraught from the trance. "OH MY GOD. WELL, HOW SMART DO YOu EXPECT A GuY NAMED ZOOSMELL POOPLORD TO BE?"

"says one who isn't even willing to disgUise himself as a hUman."

"SAYS ONE WHO IS, BuT FAILS SPECTACuLARLY AT IT, THEREFORE BRINGING EVEN MORE ATTENTION THAN WE WOuLD DO uSuALLY."

"Wait," Hussie wondered for the first time since reading Homestuck, "so you usually come everywhere together... and one of you does disguise herself as a human and the other doesn't? Talk about breaking the immersion."

"WELL, WEBCOMIC MAN."

"Andrew Hussie."

28 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "ANDREW HuSSIE. YOu HAVE TO REALIZE. THAT BOTH OF uS HAVE WILDLY DIFFERENT PERSONALITIES."

"That doesn't explain why you always are together."

"THERE IS NO OTHER CHOICE. I CAN'T SIMPLY BARGE IN AN EARTH HOuSE. AND BEGIN CALLING IT HOME. NO MATTER HOW MuCH I WANT TO BE SEPARATE FROM MY DOuCHEBAG SISTER."

"yo yo yo / hey hussie whats a fetch modus" Dave asked.

"Basically, it's a way for you to retrieve things from those cards."

"got it / a thing that doesnt really exist"

"Can you just imagine for a moment that it does exist?"

"hmm / okay im with you"

"Would you want a fetch modus like this?"

"well if youre designing a card system to stow away objects in a parallel dimension / obvs you want a way to retrieve EVERYTHING AT ONCE / like the ender chest"

"The Ender What?"

"ender chest / a thing from minecraft / you plop it down / put stuff / put another ender chest somewhere else / and bam / everything you had is there / no stupid restrictions or Xes"

"Oh, so like the Array Modus."

"dave, i didn't know you play games." John looked at Dave.

"only this one" Dave made sure to turn his phone to the audience, so that it was clear that he was playing Minecraft and talking about it right now. "but this game replaces all the other games that exist / so its a win win / i get entertainment / and dumb companies get no money for putting out shit after shit / anyway / me and jade will just be chillin out there"

"and rose and me will be reading homestuck, in that case."

"and me!" Calliope was excited.

"and you too, calliope."

"AND I. I JuST SuPPOSE I'LL BE FOREVER DECIDING BETWEEN TWO FATES. GOD. I AM IN THE WORST POSITION EVER."

STAGE 1 ==> 29 Chapter 1.11. Arms

"examine problem sleuth poster."

No one had any idea why Homestuck's style changed all of a sudden. These commands, given to characters, had a great deal of importance, after all. Perhaps they were actually taken from other people, and not all people, in Homestuck's early days, viewed the adventure as the same. Or perhaps everything was written by Hussie after all, and he was simply imitating the style.

Though, even though Andrew Hussie, the man who created Homestuck, was supposed to give an explanation, he instead went to another room, where he kept every poster ever produced from MS Paint Adventures. As it turns out, MSPA was fairly famous even before Homestuck, and was selling posters of the adventure that came before it, Problem Sleuth. Naturally, the four readers followed, while Dave and Jade thought they weren't missing that much out.

"Let's see... Homestuck... Homestuck... Homestuck... Vriska..."

"excuse me, vriska?" John inquired.

"She's a Homestuck character."

"then why did you mention vriska separately from homestuck?"

"Let's say... let's say..." Hussie was confused. "We have special ties."

Everyone, for a while, looked at the poster Hussie called "Vriska". There were eight versions of the same girl, with gray skin and horns that reminded the human characters of candy corn, in various combinations of dead, alive, enjoying herself and being depressed, as well as a different clothing style for each incarnation.

"i can see that!" Calliope was excited.

"LISTEN. IF YOu START MACKING ON THIS VRISKA GIRL. THEN YOu MIGHT MOVE WITH HER."

"bUt we don't even know if she exists!"

"THAT'S THE POINT."

"...Homestuck... Homestuck... Ha! I knew it was somewhere. The same Problem Sleuth poster, live." Hussie pointed at the poster, giving it a slight hit and making the characteristic poster sound, then put his arms away.

"pretty nice." John remembered the early days (of both his life and MSPA, that is), when he tried getting into Problem Sleuth, but didn't find himself being stuck with every single joke. "let's just hope you don't also have the note on the drawer around."

"What? No. Who would buy that?"

30 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "Did you just imply that Homestuck is actually a massive money-driving machine?" Rose's suspicion grew.

"Oh my god, no. No. It's its own story, that I tell as I wish, and simply see the fanbase grow as people become interested in troll romance or something. The merchandise is just a secondary point, and how I make my living."

"You... your entire subsistence is derived from Homestuck? Huh." Rose felt like she was receiving more and more puzzle pieces that didn't quite come together yet. Perhaps, if she, in the future, got even more puzzle pieces, the big picture would finally start to appear. Was the MS Paint Adventures Wiki a good place to start investigation? Rose wasn't sure, and she didn't want to have her experience interrupted by her own trip to the magic world of the Internet.

"IT'S ITS. WOW. WHAT A GREAT WAY TO GIVE ME A HEADACHE." Caliborn, on the other hand, was still getting around to being among humans.

"Listen, if you don't want to read Homestuck that much or hate me personally..."

"I'M TENDING TO CALLIOPE. NO, I WON'T SIMPLY LEAVE."

"Very well." Hussie and the "kids" who were really adults returned to reading Homestuck, starting with the next page, "John: Read note on drawer."

"that is so my father... what, will my nanna show up next?"

"What? She's been dead for, like, since you were born..."

"no, she's alive. and probably helping dad bake cakes or something, since they want more cakes for this birthday than their last."

"Look, she was killed by the meteor that..."

"METEOR. METEORS DON'T EVEN KILL PEOPLE. NOT EVEN THE ONE IN RuSSIA, WHICH EVERYONE SAW. THAT'S HOW WEAK THEY ARE."

"Actually, yes, they do. In India, that one time..."

"next page!" John felt like a lot of this commentary could be avoided if people simply got on with reading Homestuck. Hussie obeyed his order and clicked the link, and John began reading the newly opened page: "you wonder what is printed on the poster."

"NO, I DON'T."

"These aren't even your thoughts, Cali. They're John's."

"THEN WHY ARE THEY WRITTEN IN SECOND PERSON. EITHER IT'S THIRD PERSON. WHERE THE NARRATOR COMPLETELY DISINTEGRATES HIMSELF FROM THE REST OF THE STORY. OR FIRST PERSON. WHERE THE NARRATOR IS AN ACTuAL

STAGE 1 ==> 31 CHARACTER. BuT NO. YOu HAD TO CHOOSE THE LAMEST WAY. AND INSIST THAT I AM SOMEHOW IN THE STORY. BEING JOHN. I MEAN ZOOSMELL."

"It's actually John."

"SEE? YOu'RE DOING IT AGAIN. MAKING ME HAVE THOuGHTS. THAT I WOuLDN'T HAVE. IF YOuR GNARLED CLAWS DIDN'T LITERALLY REACH MY MIND."

"alright, calm down. i still have a birthday party to have, and i am... let's just read this. acquire hammer and nails..."

"what / hammer / nails / since when are they in minecraft" Dave briefly got from his trance again.

"They're in Homestuck, actually." Rose filled Dave in.

"oh / your homestuck thing / im telling you / me and jade will be catching up later" Dave returned to his game.

"let's see. so i pick up the hammer and then the nails... ouch." John actually felt physically hurt, even though it was his Homestuck counterpart who was slapped in the face with the fake arms.

"OH MY GOD. IT'S A PERFECT METAPHOR, WHAT I SEE RIGHT HERE."

"Really?" Rose was already sick of Caliborn's metaphors.

"YOU SEE. JOHN... I MEAN ZOOSMELL SuBCONSCIOuSLY WANTS TO FACEPALM. BuT HE CAN'T. BECAuSE HE DOESN'T WANT TO uSE HIS ARMS. THAT DON'T EXIST. SO THEREFORE. THE VERY FIRST THING THAT HE TAKES. IS THE FAKE ARMS. THAT ALSO EXIST IN THE STORY. SOLELY FOR THIS METAPHOR. AND ONCE HE CLOGS uP HIS SYLLADEX. THE FAKE ARMS ARE OuT. AND JOHN FACEPALMS HIMSELF. WITH HIS SYLLADEX. AND, IN FACT, DOES IT TWICE."

"Look, John's arms were..."

"I MEAN ZOOSMELL. BECAuSE THAT'S WHAT HIS NAME IS. ZOOSMELL POOPLORD."

"His arms were actually depicted, holding the fake arms, very briefly, a couple of pages ago, when he was holding the fake arms."

"WHAT. YOu MEAN THERE WAS A PICTURE. OF ARMS THAT HOLD ARMS. I BET. YOuR HuMAN ARTISTS. HAVE COME uP WITH A VARIATION. WHERE THE ARMS HOLD THE ARMS. AND THOSE ARMS HOLD A PAIR OF ARMS AS WELL. AND SO ON. AND SO ON. EITHER IN A TWISTED LOOP. OR CONTINuING FOREVER."

"Sounds like something M.C. Escher would do."

"M.C. WHAT?"

32 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "M.C. Escher. Oh, I think he actually did something similar. It was about arms drawing arms."

"WHAT. HOW ON EARTH DOES AN ARM EVEN DRAW ITSELF."

"No, an arm was drawing a second arm, which in turn was drawing the first arm..."

"THE DRAWING IS AN INANIMATE OBJECT. uNLESS IT'S A DEPICTION. IT CAN'T POSSIBLY DRAW THE DRAWER. IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE."

"Well, it's an illusion..."

"LET'S JUST AGREE THAT YOuR HuMAN ARTISTS DON'T MAKE SENSE AT ALL."

Everyone was pondering Caliborn's words. Perhaps, the true way to art would be to just ignore the efforts of "human artists" as having any hidden meaning, up to and including Homestuck. Chapter 1.12. The Calendar

"squawk like an imbecile and... no. no. just no. i hope i don't do this."

For some reason, the group seemed to pause each five pages to gather their thoughts, and after that happened, John was always the one to begin the reading again. After all, John was perhaps the most interested in Homestuck, given that he was, at least for now, the main character.

"YEEEEEEEEEEES. COME ON, ZOOSMELL. DO THIS."

"okay, but with one slight change: i shit on you. kay?"

"NO. I DON'T WANT TO TOUCH YOuR HUMAN EXCREMENT IN ANY WAY."

"if you want my excrement, that's the only deal i can offer."

"NO. BACK AWAY. DON'T DARE SHIT ON ME. NO. NO!" Caliborn ran off and tried to exit the house, but found that the door was still locked. "NOOOOOOOOOO!"

"how did he get him to break so fast?" Calliope wondered.

"hey, did i actually squawk like an imbecile and things in homestuck?" John got back to Homestuck, and was relieved to find the answer. "thank god. see, some things are too stupid even for me."

"Yet, you also posit that some things are too smart for you." Rose, once again, offered her insight.

"anyway, seems like the next thing that comes will definitely be smart." As John said this, Hussie clicked on the next page.

"well, that's meaningful. i'm finally learning the underlying system."

STAGE 1 ==> 33 "The page was largely written so the reader could learn the underlying system as well." Hussie began. "After all, one does need some sort of a guide into a new method of storytelling."

"On the other hand, no one ever told me that the very foundation of Homestuck is going to be separate pages..." Rose tried to explain herself after a period of confusion.

"Updates."

"...separate updates that were connected as if there was a reader who was inputting commands."

"How did you know that?"

"I just assumed."

"Well..." Hussie couldn't believe Rose's insight. "There were actually people from whom I took commands, for the first three acts."

"WHAT. YOu MEAN THERE'S THREE ACTS OF THIS HORSESHIT?"

"Seven, actually. Though, for some reason, the fifth and sixth acts are unusually long, and comprise a majority of Homestuck for reasons that I cannot comprehend."

"FuuuuuuuuuuuCK." Caliborn did not expect Homestuck to be this long.

"Look, today we're only going to read Act 1. We're barely scratching the surface."

"THAT IS ALREADY TOO LONG. AND THE STYLE IS PROBABLY GOING TO CHANGE SHARPLY. SEVERAL TIMES THROuGHOuT THE STORY."

"No one's forcing you."

"YOu'RE FORCING ME."

Both Hussie and Caliborn were suddenly silent, thinking about each other's words. After all, Hussie did need a way for the children and cherubim to know that they are characters of a webcomic, but perhaps reading the webcomic wasn't the best way. That, or Caliborn was probably just being a huge crybaby, like he is all the time.

While Hussie and Caliborn were pondering these thoughts, John had already looked ahead, to the pages where the hammer, nails, poster and wall were used together. "oh man, little monsters. the movie is brilliant in every way."

"what" Dave couldn't believe he was interrupted every now and then. Jade, who was playing Minecraft together with him, had earmuffs and was better immersed in the game, but Dave couldn't stop listening to others. "that movie blows so much"

"no, it doesn't."

34 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "Yes, it does." Hussie commented. "Howie Mandel parades as this punk monster who is a part of the punk monster legion..."

"who says that punk monsters suck?"

"I did."

"me too" Dave agreed with Hussie.

"oh my god, so you're also implying con air sucks?" John clicked on the next page.

"yeah / the bunny is kind of atrociously a large part of the movie / and nicolas cage is a clown who dresses like a criminal"

"he's a jerk with a heart of gold."

"hes comedy gold with a heart of jerk douchebag"

"Vriska keeps crushing on him while I crush on her." Hussie was also disappointed in Con Air.

"listen... so while we're arguing about movies, you mean deep impact sucks as well?" Next page.

"yeah / also an unnecessary amount of spotlight is put on liv tyler"

"that's armageddon."

"dont care"

"Also, the black presidents thing got old in 2008."

"oh my god... next you'll be telling me the calendar sucks as well." Next page.

"the calendar / since when is there a movie named the calendar"

"Oh, you don't know The Calendar?" Rose finally chimed in. The Calendar wasn't actually a movie that existed; Rose just felt like snarking.

"look, rose, we can actually see that it's not about the movie. this is an actual calendar."

"what kind of douchebag gets the mail in 3 days" While Dave was pointing out what was on the Homestuck page, Rose was getting the hang of attempting to construe a narrative, and began her own tirade: "A very compelling protagonist, I must say. After all, romance is unbound by physical and temporal limitations."

"what / romance / you mean this was a movie based on a book" Dave suddenly wanted to know more about the fictional movie.

"A book that I read and became a fan of even before the movie."

STAGE 1 ==> 35 "and what / did you write fanfic about it"

"No, because the book was mostly about depicting the romance, rather than about the characters. Nevertheless, I think the movie captured this aspect pretty well."

"WHAT THE ACTUAL SHIT IS GOING ON." Caliborn wondered.

"No idea." Hussie answered, yet it didn't make sense to him. Those were his characters! Obviously he would know if they did something similar.

"movies with too much romance are dumb and would definitely not be on my posters." John reminded everyone that it was about him.

"Oh, right, the posters! I never mentioned how the man took pictures of the girl that she took and sent and printed them as posters."

"so basically the way john praises fictional heroes that guy praised a real hero"

"Neither of them was a hero, I would say. They were simply bound by the power of love, as it is in stereotypically written novels. However, as I said before, it was the way the love established, rather than anything else, that made it exceptional."

"oh my god... stop. stop. we're talking about an actual calendar, not about a movie." John finally snapped. "beta's on friday the 10th, my birthday's on monday the 13th. that's it. nothing to talk about."

"so back to minecraft" Dave couldn't believe he was interrupted again.

"So, back to Homestuck." Rose leaned forward. "I still like the idea that I came up with."

"so the calendar isn't actually a movie."

"No, I'm afraid not. It was fun pretending it is, though." Chapter 1.13. The Breakout

"hold on, beta launch? why can i click on it... oh." Without knowing it, John was taken to an entirely different adventure, "Homestuck BETA".

"WHAT. YOu IDIOT. YOu PUT uS RIGHT ON THE BEGINNING!" Hussie swore that there was nothing Caliborn wasn't disgusted by.

Homestuck Beta looked almost too similar to the original webcomic. John Egbert was still standing there, and it was still his birthday; however, the date was now April 10th, and the story's version of John was 10 years old.

36 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "LOOK, IT'S BASICALLY THE SAME WEBCOMIC. ENTER NAME. ZOOSMELL POOPLORD. I DON'T CARE THAT JOHN IS NOT ZOOSMELL; JOHN IS ZOOSMELL. TRY AGAIN, SMARTASS. EXAMINE ROOM."

"Don't you notice anything different about the format?"

"NO."

"Look closer."

"NO."

"Well, if you're not willing to look closer then I cannot help you."

"IT'S THE SAME WEBCOMIC, I'M TELLING YOu. THERE IS ONLY ONE PART THAT IS DIFFERENT. IT'S THIS PAGE." Caliborn had opened the page called "John: Move green icon to MAGIC CHEST and click.".

"our sweet sweet egderp / cant even survive ten pages without fucking stuff up" Dave commented, from behind Minecraft.

"i wasn't born on the 10th, though."

"still youre egderp / was named right then and there / john egderp"

"ZOOSMELL POOPLORD."

"egderp"

"POOPLORD."

"I thought that your opinion was now that his name was Fuck?" Rose asked Dave.

"He's actually Clint Newton." Hussie commented.

"stop. stop right there." The more John got into Homestuck, the more it seemed to be a John Egbert Mocking Simulator. "it's egbert. J-O-H-N E-G-B-E-R-T. can't believe i have to spell it out for you."

"I was still rooting for Clint. However, the suggestion for John came in first, and I had to use it."

"suggestion?"

"Yeah? Everything was suggested, up to and including your names." Hussie quickly tabbed away to MSPA Forums, where, tucked deeply in the crannies of discussions of the latest update, was one of the old suggestion boxes.

"See? Right there. Name: John Egbert; name: Clint Newton."

STAGE 1 ==> 37 "uh... sly mcglassesface? norbert? arms johansson? what on earth is going on?" John took the computer mouse from Hussie and scrolled down to read the thousands of suggestions of the name for him himself. "alex thumblicker? who came up with these names?"

Minutes later...

"septimus ulysses christopher tudeski? i swear, if you did name me that, i'd..."

"Get it? SEP-UL-CHRI-TUDE. Sometimes my fans output pure gems."

About an hour later...

"I vote we name the character in honor of "Tyler Pope".

For 10 years ago on this date a 19 yr old man (Tyler Pope) was tied up by 4-6 robbers and shoved in his closet. He was "homestuck" (even if only for half an hour) on the day that the main character was born. What better reason could there be? Those are my two cents. Any thoughts?" Rose smiled at recognition of relatively unknown heroes. "Priceless."

"oh my god, no. no. this discussion cannot exist. and even if it does exist, it cannot go on for thirty forum pages. i'm john egbert. period."

"look in the time you read that we couldve already finished act 1 / talk about ruining your own birthday" Dave shut off Minecraft and tried to go outside, but found himself at a locked door, once again. He looked around the house once more, and finally found a way to escape through the window. "come with me"

"No! Stay with me. Act 1 is still ongoing." Hussie desperately tried to convince the "kids" to still be on his side.

"well it was / but then it became an argument about johns name / yeah some other day" Jade followed Dave through the same window. Hussie wanted to close and lock the window, but found himself pushed by others - yes, even Calliope - and once he was by the window, everyone was already out.

"My own characters left me. What did I do to deserve this?" Hussie sighed, closed the window and unlocked the door, still hoping to catch some of those people who wanted signatures drawn by him.

At this point, though, he would only sign anything out of spite.

"Unbelievable. this is what everything devolved to! i'm not visiting hUssie again."

38 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "HEY, I DON'T KNOW ABOuT YOu. BuT OuR HATCHING DAY IS STILL ON." Caliborn was now deliberately acting nice towards Calliope, since otherwise he would have been caught again, and the last time he was caught, he just so happened to encounter the terrible man who dares call himself Andrew Hussie.

Eventually, they found a cake store with a cake that was ridiculous enough, and bought it.

"so / pizza party" Dave told his group, once they were outside.

"yay!!!!"

"At least it's something less foreboding than reading Homestuck and arguing about it all day long."

"that is definitely true."

"well then lets go" Once again, there were wide smiles on John's and Jade's faces, while Rose and Dave, even though they didn't show it directly, were also more upbeat. This was a day of celebration, after all. This was John Egbert's birthday, and no one could take that away from him.

Not even an alternate version of Homestuck which insisted that his birthday was three days ago and that he was three years younger. Chapter 1.14. The Anniversary

"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you! Happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday to you!" Everyone in the room had sung excitedly as John had blown out the candles on his cake - there were 21 candles, and this was in fact the 21th cake that John's father had baked for the day. Most of them were eaten by Homestuck fans that John's father invited over, but the 21th and last one had to be kept for John.

April 13th was almost coming to a close, and after a whole day in an outdoor party, trying to get themselves familiarized with the new city, the four kids had come together to John's house. They even got Rose's mother, Dave's brother and Jade's grandfather around. And even Calliope, since she and Caliborn weren't celebrating their hatching day anymore. Though, taking Calliope away from Caliborn was... tricky.

"NO. SHE'S WITH ME." Caliborn hugged Calliope as tight as he could. She was like treasure to him, and he was not letting go.

"no! get away from me!" Calliope was trying her best to free herself. They both, once again, had somehow gathered the kids and more Homestuck fans.

STAGE 1 ==> 39 All the people inside the house shrugged and decided to forget it. Their birthday experience, after all, was a happy one, and neither Caliborn nor Andrew Hussie could take that away from them.

"oh my god, this is, like, the best present ever. i couldn't thank you all enough if i tried."

"And I couldn't thank you enough for all the friendship that you provided us with if I tried. You go, John, and might we have many, many years bound by friendship." Rose began the birthday wishes.

"for the new beginning! / itll surely be a nice break from being all alone with my grandpa in the island / and well just be able to see each other without needing to go through the trouble that pesterchum causes"

"so i guess thats official / since we live together that means that in some way well have to make kids / quick whos getting dibs on who"

"YOU SEE NOW, SON. THIS IS WHY IT WAS IMPORTANT TO KEEP THE SECRET. BECAUSE THE IMPORTANCE OF THE GIFT THAT WE PROVIDED IS BEYOND ANY COMPREHENSION."

"It's amazing what the power of friendship can do! This wouldn't have been possible if some of you fell in love years ago. Love is only a recipe for sorrow and broken hearts." John's grandmother also had kind words.

"well its certanely a swell party / party like theres no tomorrow / cept pplz had to keep me out from the party cos im too old or stuff / doesnt matter cause well just have an all year long party ou ca mest egal"

"Well the adventure has reached this point. But that certainly doesnt mean the adventure is over! Keep being the awesome friends that you are."

"This isn't even ironic. I am genuinely crying over how there's a happy moment like this. Most stories don't even get one, so one in real life has literally 0% chances of happening. And yet it's happened."

"well, i sUppose other people already said everything they wanted to say aboUt yoU, john! jUst one thing..."

"it's okay, calliope. happy hatching day, and may you spread your wings or whatever the cherubim have and fly away from your terrible brother one day."

"SON. ONE MORE THING." John's father gave his son one more packed present. John ripped it open, and found out that it was a DVD of Data Structures for Assholes: The Animated Edition (in Case You Are Literally Illiterate, Which, believe it or Not, Some of Our Readers Are). John smiled, knowing that he would definitely be making his own destiny as a computer programmer, rather than continuing his family legacy.

"AS YOUR TENTACLE FRIEND SAID PREVIOUSLY, NO AMOUNT OF DISTRACTION CAN TAKE YOU AWAY FROM YOUR TRUE DESTINY. THIS IS FOR ALL TWENTY

40 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One YEARS WHEN YOU COULDN'T EVEN HAVE THOUGHT OF IT. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU."

And thus, for the first time since first meeting his friends through the Internet, John Egbert felt truly happy. Eventually, the evening had come and the people were let out, but John simply couldn't let happiness out, and it carried him to his newly arranged bed.

Andrew Hussie continued staring through the open window.

He couldn't believe it happened to him. His own characters, on his own adventure's beginning day, April 13th, which was subsequently integrated as the numerals 413 everywhere, just plain left him, while reading the very own webcomic they were in. This was an event almost like his birthday. Hell, it was an event bigger than his birthday, since his birthday wasn't exactly publicly known, yet Homestuck fans celebrated 4/13 with all their might, all over the world.

Each April 13th since 2009, since then, was even marked with a celebration from Andrew's own side. 2010 saw [S] Jack: Ascend, which finally led into the epilogue of Act 4. 2011 saw END OF DISC 1, and a slow transition to events that marked the end of adventure for one characters and the beginning for others. 2012 saw Jane's Myst-style adventure, which was a great way of reminding everyone that the big events were yet to come. 2013 saw END OF DISC 2, as the villains had threatened the medium of Homestuck itself and the battle became increasingly meta. 2014 saw Paradox Space, a way for the lifespan of Homestuck to continue even after the adventure was over. 2015 saw the Act 6 Act 6 Act 5 "Caliborn's Masterpiece", showing what could happen in the future, but also reminding that the end was near. And finally, 2016 brought with it the entirety of Act 7, and thus a fitting conclusion to Homestuck, exactly seven years later in seven acts.

And yet, April 13th, 2017, seemingly supposed to continue the streak of anniversaries, brought him a much darker event. One in which his own characters abandoned him, as if, since Homestuck was over, the characters just wanted to live their own lives, free of Sburb forever, free of Hussie forever. Hussie supposed that they will.

But hell, if they weren't going to read the rest of their adventures, Andrew Hussie swore something really, really bad would happen.

Author's idiotisms (January 20, 2015 & April 4, 2016): I didn't predict anything. The chapter was edited after the fact(s).

END OF STAGE 1

STAGE 1 ==> 41

STAGE 2 ==>

Chapter 2.1. Blue Atom Redux

Jade Harley got out from her own new bed, got dressed and started her own brand new day.

Even three days after moving, she couldn't help but remain as excited about the move as ever. She and her lifetime friends were finally going to live together, without something as stupid as lost Internet connection severing her from the others for quite a while. Her grandfather was an extraordinary man and all, but he always sounded the same and Jade always longed for different people, like the ones John, Rose and Dave turned out to be.

She was glad that she found Pesterchum and came to be friends with the others to begin with. Pesterchum always seemed to her like a mistake gone right. Her grandfather had always had a penchant for writing his own programs to use instead of commonly found consumer ones. He resented things like Skype and MSN deeply, and really needed something to use to talk to his friends, and as such wrote a chat client that simply repelled anyone who dared come close to it. This way, he was sure that whoever he would meet here would be bound by special bonds, and it became true, if not for him then at least for his granddaughter.

Though, these were days long gone by. As of now, messages from strangers on Pesterchum came to Jade almost every day. She excitedly answered most of them, but still felt like she just wanted to be alone, and changed her chumhandle into a slight misspelling every now and then. She didn't even remember the last time she was in her original form of gardenGnostic, nor who took the handle to begin with. She just remembered the double brackets and how strange of an invention they were.

She already wondered how the others were doing. She quickly checked who was really who on her website, and began messaging each of them.

-- gardnerGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiological [EB] --

GG: hey john!!! GG: it is you right? GG: the one who moved recently?? EB: yup, i guess. EB: jade? EB: i'm still worried to talk to you after... EB: you know. GG: oh its fine GG: sometimes even a cheery girl like myself gets fed up with things! EB: i suppose so. EB: and worse yet, you don't even really know anyone besides us three and your grandpa. GG: that is true :/ GG: but nevertheless im here and im happy!!! GG: isnt the fact that we can be happy together amazing already??? EB: yes, yes it is.

STAGE 2 ==> 43 EB: but that still doesn't negate all the troubles that we go through. EB: never being able to just be ourselves on pesterchum, being called cosplayers all the time... EB: and the hussie freak just called us fictional characters yesterday. EB: and assumed i'm still 13. EB: dreadful times, those were. EB: oh, and that i'm named clint newton. GG: well a name is yours from birth GG: youre john egbert and no one can change that!! EB: yeah, but the very fact that my name was at stake of people i don't even know... GG: well at least hussie was well intentioned and named you john! EB: no, he wasn't. EB: he said right there that he just went with the first name that he saw. GG: really? EB: yes. EB: and those fans, even though they KNEW that, went on to submit names for thirty-five pages. EB: THIRTY-FIVE. EB: that's a whole lot of names for one guy. EB: and it probably would have been more if that wasn't the case. EB: and hussie just picks the first one. EB: what a jerk, if you ask me. EB: what kind of creator would disrespect his characters this badly is my question. EB: i just want to forget about homestuck and get on with my life. GG: oh no im afraid thats not possible GG: we learned the truth GG: its a point of no return GG: well have to make do knowing we were created GG: and thats wonderful in and of itself! GG: some people ive met could really use a creative hand to manipulate them EB: seriously? GG: you never realized how nice we act towards each other, at all times? GG: and how we retained a sense of friendship for nearly a decade? GG: and yet everyone else ive talked to on pesterchum... GG: oh dear lord GG: turns out theres already someone GG: brb EB: i suppose.

-- scatteredPhilosopher [SP] began pestering gardnerGnostic [GG] --

SP: Jade Harley? GG: im not even going to question how you know my name GG: i just learned im a homestuck character SP: Yes. Yes, you are. GG: and that means im forever subject to taunting from homestuck fans GG: its for the better i suppose! GG: all those people like you could use some creative manipulation

44 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One GG: they just post some memes or something to deliberately harm me SP: Listen, Jade, I'm not going to harm you, okay? GG: lies and slander GG: homestuck fans arent good people GG: homestuck fans only want me to suffer GG: because it "ADDS TO THE STORY OMG" GG: i wonder if there are actual stories involving us SP: https://www.fanfiction.net/comic/Homestuck/ GG: see??? GG: everythings seemingly done in favor of these people GG: making our lives as terrible as possible GG: just for the sake of the story GG: and most of these stories for the worst arent even about us! GG: whos karkat v for example?? GG: huh? GG: huh???????? SP: Basically, Karkat Vantas is this troll... SP: He's, like, representing the Zodiac sign Cancer and he usually comes around a lot to troll you... GG: no he doesnt GG: otherwise id know him SP: Look, Jade, I... GG: i dont want to hear anything from you GG: or anyone else who just randomly messages me or my friends GG: so ill be blocking you but i doubt itll do any good GG: since i constantly change handles GG: but anyway goodbye SP: No, wait!

-- gardnerGnostic [GG] blocked scatteredPhilosopher [SP] --

-- gardnerGnostic [GG] is now an idle chum! --

GG: sorry i left you hanging there GG: but i kind of really need to clear my head GG: ill be outside hopefully youll recognize me EB: be right there, jade!

-- gardnerGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ectoBiological [EB] --

Jade Harley sighed. Perhaps spending her days by the computer wasn't the best choice.

Therefore, she opted to take a walk out of her house, to get better acquainted with the place where she just moved.

STAGE 2 ==> 45 Author's idiotisms: You see, it's funny because scatteredPhilosopher (the real girl; she follows my story on FanFiction.Net) thought something about Jade was out of place, and I told her I'd write a chapter solely about Jade. Chapter 2.2. First Shots Called

Andrew Hussie began preparing for the second version of his plan to get his own characters to read Homestuck.

He had several things to keep in mind from his first read. To begin with, the time, just as in the last read, had to be sufficiently early, so there was as much Homestuck reading crammed into one day as possible.

As well as that, his characters needed to be kept together, at his house, at all times. Therefore, Hussie wanted to lock the windows. And, since he had authorial powers in real life, he simply had to think, and the windows locked themselves.

However, there was a much bigger problem at hand. The house where he lived wasn't designed to hold seven adults at all. Perhaps him, Rachel and their kids, until they grew up, that'd be maybe four or five people, and even that was considering extensive redesigning, but definitely not seven. And Hussie couldn't just rearrange the rooms so there were more bedrooms and a larger kitchen/living room; there was too little horizontal space for that, and Hussie couldn't just focus on creating more vertical space.

But nevertheless, he focused. After a good minute of focusing (which felt like an eternity, since Hussie wasn't usually doing things this complicated with his authorial powers) he finally noticed that the roof above him started to lift, and the entire house was gaining another floor full with bedrooms, chill-out rooms and an attic. Literally. Andrew Hussie even found himself next to the stairway that he just created.

Without much hesitation, Andrew Hussie began exploring. He felt like a kid in a theme park, even though he was also the designer of the theme park. That, however, didn't make him drop his jaw at each room. In the aforementioned theme park analogy, each attraction was meticulously sketched out, and yet when entering, one was taken in by how the various elements worked together. It was a bit of a case with Andrew's works, especially Homestuck, where people discussing Homestuck found connections that Andrew didn't even intend. And thus, the same was the case with his newest creation: his house's second floor.

Going through other things, Hussie decided that this was enough, and it was back to getting the kids, Calliope and Caliborn. Hussie thus stepped outside and walked over the street to the building opposite to him, where, as he knew, Calliope and Caliborn lived.

Calliope was working on an art commission, locked in her room, when she heard a doorbell ring. Funny, she thought, she didn't even remember installing a doorbell in the first place, since no one ever visited her. Was it the four hospital attendants... er, sorry, "beta kids cosplayers"? Calliope

46 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One stepped outside, making sure to lock the door of her room behind herself, and opened the outside door, looking at who was there.

"oh no." Calliope only had a brief glance of the man behind the door before she immediately closed it.

"What is it?"

"yoU're andrew hUssie, the man who rUined my last hatching day!"

"I'm Andrew Hussie, the man without whom you wouldn't even be there."

"hmph." Calliope leaned onto her door, crossing her arms defensively.

"Dammit, Calliope. Tell you what, the cherubim, since they're involved with the protection of the universe on a larger scale, have lifespans similar to those of planets and stars. You will literally have billions of hatching days to celebrate, and hundreds of millions which end with a 1."

"so what? that's even worse news. since hUmans live for mere decades, all the people aroUnd me will sUrely be gone before i'm even an adUlt!" Hussie really needed to work on his manners when talking to his own characters. Not that he would ever think that, though. In Hussie's mind, he was the perfection, and his characters were simply different facets of his mind.

"Dammit, Calliope. Look, you still interested in Homestuck and the trolls?"

"not anymore."

"Not anymore?"

"yeah? yoU didn't even create it. yoUr readers created it, and yoU simply pUt the pUzzle pieces together to create a story!"

"Well, without me to put them together to create a story the story wouldn't really exist."

"hmph. i don't want to hear anything from yoU." Calliope went back to her room. Hussie heard footsteps and locking sounds, and slammed his fist to the door. He swore that giving his characters independent lives was the worst mistake, even though he himself wasn't sure how he could have made such a mistake.

He slammed the door again, this time actually implying that he wants to see someone. "Caliborn?" he called out.

"FuCKING FuCK." Caliborn, at the time, was playing Flappy Bird, and Hussie just made him lose. Like Calliope, Caliborn made sure to protect his belongings, so it was quite a lot of locking before the door to their common apartment was open again.

"OH. YOu'RE THE HOMOSuCK GuY. I KNEW THE NAME WAS FAMILIAR."

STAGE 2 ==> 47 "Well, Caliborn? Reading Homestuck again, from where we left off?"

"WELL. MY SISTER ALREADY SAID NO. SO I'M NOT TOO SuRE."

"Come on, Cali! It'll be a fun ride."

"WELL. YOu DID SAY IT WAS ATROCIOuSLY LONG."

"Yes. Yes, I did."

"YOu KNOW WHAT. IF YOu CONVINCE THE FOuR GHOST PEOPLE. THEN I MIGHT CONVINCE MY SISTER. AND EVEN IF I DON'T. A COMPANY OF FIVE MAY BE GOOD ENOuGH. TO SuFFER THROuGH YOuR HOMOSuCK."

"Alright, understood. Bye!" Hussie closed the door. So all Caliborn needs is the beta kids. Hopefully it'll be easy enough. And besides, I wanted them too anyway. Chapter 2.3. A Strange Turn of Events

John Egbert and Jade Harley were walking around. They actually felt lost; most likely a detail that they didn't see before threw them off, and now they were wandering the streets, not sure where their new homes are.

"augh!" John had trouble remembering all the streets and houses.

"hold on / i think my islander senses are tingling..." Jade suddenly began gathering her thoughts as she noticed that one house didn't look like it did before.

"john look! i figured out whats wrong"

"well, lay it on me, but i'm not sure it'll help us find where we live in any way."

"this house / im pretty sure it only had one floor before"

"what. that doesn't make sense. in fact, i think this is the first thing in this neighborhood to make NEGATIVE sense, and that's quite an achievement. seriously, though, how does a house even grow an entire floor overnight?"

"idk / but this one did for sure" John looked at the house. It felt a bit familiar, and if you took it out of context...

Suddenly, once he had gathered what everything was about, John took a spit at the modified house.

"hey what was that for??"

"almost naming me clint newton."

48 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "look john we talked this over already / the fact that youre fictional means that you were cared for better than real people / hold respect to your creator!"

"i will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER hold respect to a man who simply puts his fictional universe at the mercy of a bunch of forumgoers."

"hmph!" John and Jade turned each other their backs and crossed their arms defensively.

"Hey, was that eight "ever"s?" Suddenly, without warning, Andrew Hussie was there. He loved noticing everything tangentially related to his webcomic, and especially loved it since it was his webcomic's main character who said that.

"that was seven "ever"s and one "never", IDIOT."

"Hey, John, no fair. I'm your creator."

"do you even REALIZE what you're the creator OF?" John completely snapped. "like, seriously. imagine that, out of the blue, on your 13th birthday, someone named YOU something obscene like zoostink shitlord, DESPITE the fact that you already have a name, then told YOU to retrieve your arms that you clearly have already and told YOU to squawk like an imbecile and do things. would you want to live life like that? DIDN'T THINK SO. nuff said."

"Well, the impression... I was only looking for entertainment when I created Jailbreak. The characters weren't as important as Gangbunch Fora moderators. But then it grew out of hand with Problem Sleuth and especially Homestuck..."

"blah blah blah so basically i'm guilty and admit it. look, jade and i are lost and we wish we could get out of your part of the town."

"Why would you? I'm Andrew Hussie, the best guy in the universe, even ignoring Homestuck. You should be honored to talk to me and even live in the same town as me."

Andrew should have really watched what he said. Surely enough, John took another mouthful of spit and launched it, with all of his cheeks' force, at Andrew himself.

"Okay, fine. I'll go talk to Rose and Dave instead; they won't diss my work that easily." Andrew immediately brushed the spit off of his face and took fast steps, one after another, to where Rose and Dave now lived, while John and Jade remained in the same place, between the modified house and the other house.

Dave was playing Minecraft, yet again. Ever since the December 2011 issue of GameBro, which was a full-issue feature of Minecraft, complete with an 8 hour-long Let's Play DVD, Dave found that truly, this was the one game that replaced every other game in existence. Like some sort of hub for games. You get into Minecraft, you begin forming a general idea about what games you like and can continue from there. Or you can stay with Minecraft, and that way you save money, since you

STAGE 2 ==> 49 don't have to buy many other games. Games are like a costly addiction; Minecraft was the electronic cigarette to the vast cornucopia of drugs.

This time, he was on a brand new Survival server. Once he and Jade had moved, he had convinced her to get Minecraft as well, and now they were starting from a clean slate, and Dave would guide Jade through everything. Though, she hadn't been on the server for nearly three days... er, an hour. Dave hoped she was okay...

Suddenly, Dave heard his doorbell ring. His brother was the one to open the door to strangers, on most occasions, and this one was no exception. But what was an exception was that the stranger wanted Dave specifically, and even more exceptionally, the stranger didn't seem that stranger-like at all. Once Dave got away from Minecraft and met the man, he definitely thought that he was familiar.

"So... reading Homestuck with me?"

"oh youre the homestuck guy / should have known" Dave fixed his sunglasses. "well idk"

"Is there anything I can say that will change your mind?"

"hey since jade is your character / do you have any idea where she went"

"She was with John near my house when I left and decided to meet you. No idea where she went after that."

"damn"

"So?"

"that was a waste of time if i didnt know what a waste of time is" Dave closed the door in front of Andrew's face and went back to Minecraft.

Andrew sighed. Now, only Rose was left. If she disagreed, then the whole plan would be foiled.

But wait, Andrew thought, didn't Jade say nothing when I met her? Perhaps she could be given a chance. Nevermind, though. Rose first.

50 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One Chapter 2.4. The Afterthoughts

John and Jade felt like they were standing there forever. Sure, it was only 20 minutes or so, but that was long enough for Jade to gather all her courage and knock on the door of the house opposite to the modified house.

After what seemed like a shorter forever after a longer forever, the door that she knocked opened, and out came a familiar forest green lady.

"hey, calliope."

"john! jade! do come in." Calliope immediately invited both of her guests to her room. Once again, she fiddled with the keys, to make sure a particular person who she grew to hate didn't come in, Calliope got the two people to actually enter, and then immediately locked the door behind her.

"hey, but what if we want to get out whenever we want? you're making the same mistake hussie did."

"hey, bUt what if my brother saw that i invited two complete strangers? he'd kill me! please do respect the rUles of the game that is called my life."

Hesitating for a bit, John looked over the room that he was now in. Calliope had posters of artwork hung everywhere, and since they all shared the same cartoon-ish style, those were most likely all Calliope's own drawings. John's suspicion was confirmed when he saw that on the computer, she was working on yet another piece of artwork.

"woah, and you did all of these?"

"it's amazing what i can do with a tablet and a hUman decade of time, right?"

"yeah."

"yeah!! i also enjoy drawing but i dont think i could spend that much time drawing all alone" Jade wondered.

"oh no, i don't do it all alone. those are mostly commissions. people pay me to draw what they want. it's actUally how we with my brother are still holding Up!"

"huh, so just like the hussie jerk." John felt that the parallels between Calliope and Hussie were uncanny, and yet Calliope was so nice to her guests. Maybe if she was the one to draw and write Homestuck...

"well, i digress. if he wanted me to be some sort of his own image... at least i still can think i'm myself."

"hey, cal, it's okay. perhaps we can form some sort of support group for homestuck characters."

STAGE 2 ==> 51 "i sUppose..." Calliope continued, a bit aggressively, to work on her commissions. "it's jUst that... it's jUst that he told me i'd live for billions of years."

"cool! so you could, like, see civilizations rise and fall and remain an eternal source of wisdom?"

"no, john! yoU don't Understand! that means that yoUr lifetime is a mere blink in my lifetime! how coUld i live when friends like yoU die, and die, and die again, while i continUe to live?"

"huh. well, then hussie will DEFINITELY pay." John clenched his fist.

"April 14, 2017", Rose wrote on her computer.

She had a plethora of writing projects on her computer, and was still struggling to move beyond the analysis of her life to an actual fictional story. Two years of college studies had already corrupted her enough. Therefore, she was now simply writing what she thought, as a form of a diary.

"For the past two years, I would usually write because it was a college assignment. The lives of various people with varying realness attributes were laid before me, and I had to make sense of what precisely is wrong with them and how I could reintegrate them into society. This was sufficient for me to get the best marks that I could, and eventually move on from the first and second grades of college.

However, during the summer of 2016, once the burden of college was raised from my shoulders and I had every opportunity to return to creative writing, I found that I just couldn't. The rules that governed my assignments passed onto my creative writing, and shred all of my hopes to tiny little pieces.

What I didn't know in retrospect, though, was how this problem was made irrelevant in the greater scale.

What I learned yesterday, on the 21st birthday of one of my friends, was that I was actually a fictional character myself, governed by the rules of the fictional world that I was placed in, without consent.

So far, I have only collected few details on the aforementioned rules. These are as follows: Andrew Hussie, the man responsible for the existence of me and my friends, threw together a bare-bones scene with a single character, whose identity coincides with that of my birthday friend. He allowed that character to be developed via suggestions from his peers and/or subordinates, allowing them to suggest a name for the character, as well as actions for the character. I imagine that, once he moved on from John, he would develop each of the four of us and our families, as well as the two cherubim, an indeterminate amount of trolls and any other characters required for his image of the story.

Then, once he had his characters, he could feel free to write a story about them, since by then Homestuck proved to be popular and people were already speculating on what could happen in the story, and Hussie was simply cherry-picking what he liked. After all, even if the majority of the

52 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One setting was determined via the readers, the format was still his intellectual property and he was free to use discussion of his own work.

Since this format allows the readers, who now also perform the role of the writers, to have anything they desire, it thus leaves nothing to be desired, and the general public could very potentially marginalize me and my friends. While the adventure was still solely about John, he was suggested things like "retrieve arms from drawer" and "squawk like an imbecile and shit on your desk", suggesting that Hussie's readerbase hadn't grown and attained a level of self-consciousness.

The experience, I must say, was eye-opening. Perhaps I could imitate the style myself. I could create a fictional universe, one "update" at a time, from a single idea and the consistent input of my friends. This would allow projection from my college student self to be minimized, and once the universe grew large enough, I would be able to spread my metaphorical wings and become an acknowledged writer.

But perhaps I am jumping to conclusions too quickly. Until then, I must"

Rose was suddenly interrupted. She saved and closed the document containing her thoughts and looked who was on the door. Her mother was almost always in the state where she would mostly ignore others, and therefore it was usually up to Rose to greet strangers.

"So, reading Homestuck with me?" the man behind the door said.

"Oh, you're the person responsible for my existence." Rose sighed at the sight of Andrew Hussie. She had no idea how she could hate a guy who she met yesterday that much.

"I'm kind of running out of options here. Calliope, John and Dave all said no, and Caliborn said he wants company, so it's really up to you and Jade."

"Your story, I must say, is very different from every other story. Other stories are created by their creators, from the first concept up to publishing. Yours, however, is created by your acquaintances, allowing wildly different ideas to coagulate together and create a story more complex than anything a single person could create all by themselves."

"Huh, I didn't catch any of that. So is it a yes or a no?"

"On the other hand, any fictional character would be devastated to know that they're represented by mere words on a sheet of paper, or, in your case, on a computer screen. As well as that, since you let on that Homestuck is fairly long, I'm not sure if I can take weeks of reading under this impression."

"Listen, Rose, don't mess with me. Yes or no. It can't be simpler than that, and yet you keep expanding it."

"It is a hard decision."

"Okay, you're still messing with me. What you're doing is you're putting psycho-babble into my brain, hoping I explode or something, because you hate me that much."

STAGE 2 ==> 53 "No one said I do. You seem quite sure about what I think, even though you really have no idea."

"Of course I have an idea on what you think, I created you!"

"Oh, really?" Rose invited Hussie over to her room and computer, and showed him today's writing. Hussie immediately began reading: "For the past two years, I would usually write because it was a college assignment. The lives of various people..."

"But perhaps I am jumping to conclusions too quickly. Until then, I must... gather evidence that will help me put the puzzle pieces together and help me resolve who I truly am..."

"I didn't write that."

"I swear you did."

"I swear I didn't."

"I swear you would."

"Look, Hussie, you're projecting your wishes again. In your mindset, I will eventually come to you and read Homestuck. Since you also have the general idea of how I act, which you pride yourself on having created, you assume that I will act according to your will, and fill in the gaps according to my personality that you think you know. Which, let me remind you once again, you do not."

"Holy shit. Perhaps creating a psychologist for one of my characters wasn't that bad an idea." Hussie was staring at Rose in awe.

"Is there anyone else that you convinced to join your cause?" Rose asked, having had a change of heart.

"Well, Caliborn said he would if I could gather you and your three friends, but..."

"I'm in."

"...but John and Dave already refused and..."

"I said I'm in."

"Oh, okay then." Hussie and Rose thus went outside, in hopes of meeting Caliborn.

54 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One Chapter 2.5. Getting Ready

John, Jade and Calliope had already gathered some ideas on what they provisionally called the "Homestuck Character Support Group". Every day, the members would gather in a set place and discuss what they learned about Homestuck and Hussie. Though, where would that set place be, free of Homestuck fans? And what would they, those who avoided Homestuck with all their might, discuss?

While they were talking, Caliborn hit Calliope's door repeatedly. "HEY. WHAT THE FuCK. ARE THOSE GuESTS I HEAR."

"oh for the love of... SCRAM!" Calliope opened her room's window, and she, John and Jade jumped through the window onto the ground. Calliope struggled for a bit to close the window, but realized she couldn't quite do it from the outside.

"CALLIOPE. WHY THE FuCK AREN'T YOu ANSWERING ME." Caliborn continued hitting the locked door.

"psst. hey! can you get us back home?" John asked.

"don't worry! i still know where yoUr hoUse is, john!" The three went on to run through the streets, trying their best not to be noticed by any strangers and especially Homestuck fans.

Without much running, they were already at John's doorstep. "kay ill find my way from there! thanks cali!" Jade felt gratitude.

"no probs! i'll deal with my brother myself... i hope." Calliope walked back to her home, hoping some idea on dealing with her brother would come to her.

"WHY THE FuCK... YOu MEAN YOu BROKE OuT? DON'T TELL ME YOu BROKE OuT." Caliborn was still banging at the locked door, contemplating breaking it, when he heard the doorbell that wasn't there yesterday ring. He already couldn't stand that noise. One wasn't joking when they said that Caliborn was born to hate.

"ALRIGHT, WHAT KIND OF SCuMBAG..." Caliborn opened the door to two familiar people. "OH, HuSSIE. AND IT SEEMS YOu HAVE A VICTIM WITH YOu."

"On the contrary, the situation, coupled with my behavior, doesn't quite lend itself to a typical victim scenario..." Rose was about to comment when she was interrupted.

"BLEuRGH. SERIOuSLY, HuSSIE? YOu ONLY GOT ANNOYING BLABBERMOuTH?"

"Rose Lalonde." Hussie corrected Caliborn.

"DOES IT LOOK LIKE I CARE?"

STAGE 2 ==> 55 "Anyway. So... Homestuck?"

"Yes." With each word, Rose seemed to be more and more confident.

"WELL THEN ALL FuCKING RIGHT. WHERE DO YOu LIVE ANYWAY."

"That house over there."

"DON'T LIE TO ME. THAT HOuSE HAS TWO FLOORS. YOuRS HAS ONLY ONE."

"Listen, you'll see on the inside that it's the same house. Anyway. Let's go."

"uNBELIEVABLE." Caliborn locked his house's door behind him and was walking with Hussie and Rose.

Calliope watched the scene from a distance. Now seemed like a good time to enter her house and lock herself inside, since her brother wasn't watching. And once he was back, he will probably have forgotten everything. Cherubs didn't have the best memory ever.

She tip-toed to her house and made sure to swiftly unlock and lock the doors, so that no one would take notice. Once she was safely inside the confines of her room, she immediately started work on another commission.

After all, she had a lot of commissions and improving her popularity to work on before she could truly live the life that she wanted, in her own house, separate from Caliborn once and for all.

"OKAY, THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE." Caliborn immediately commented. "THERE IS THE SAME FuRNITuRE, THE SAME PROJECTOR AND EVERYTHING, AND YET THIS HOuSE HAS AN ADDITIONAL FLOOR."

"Well..." Hussie chuckled. "Crazy things happen, am I right?" He was trying his best to hide the fact that his authorial powers were at work, even though everyone already knew he had them, and in this case, it was pretty obvious they were at work.

"BuT THAT'S NOT ALL." Caliborn was shouting from the newfound second floor. "THESE uPPER ROOMS. LOOK LIKE THEY WERE DESIGNED SPECIFICALLY FOR uS. uS SIX I MEAN. YOu TOOK ACCOuNT OF OuR INTERESTS. AND POPuLATED THE CHAMBERS. WITH PARAPHERNALIA RELEVANT TO THOSE INTERESTS. LOOK. THIS MuST BE ZOOSMELL'S ROOM. SINCE THERE ARE ALL THESE MOVIE POSTERS."

"What?" Hussie rushed upstairs to where Caliborn was. He needed to check his own creation out. This was way too awesome to be described with words, no matter how hard Caliborn tried as he continued:

56 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "AND THIS IS MY SISTER'S ROOM. THERE ARE ALL THESE DRAWINGS THAT SHE DREW. THAT SHE DIDN'T GIVE THE PERMISSION. FOR YOu TO REPRODuCE."

Hussie didn't say anything, he simply smiled at his subconscious's genius. This was simply perfect. This needed no explanation.

"And this must be my room." Rose had already been looking inside various rooms together with Caliborn. "As neatly arranged as I can make it, features pictures of some of my personal heroes... in fact, this looks even better than what I have currently."

"Make yourself at home... stuck." Hussie began chuckling. "I'm sorry, I couldn't resist."

"Am I sensing subconscious context, a burning desire within you to keep us six locked within your apartment, so that no one knows about us?"

"No! Nonononono. Was just a pun on the webcomic's name." Hussie had almost blown his cover away, and feared for a while.

"With this as a topic that is already breached, why don't we get to the big advertised feature of our stay?"

"Coming right up. Oh, hey! I forgot that I still hadn't asked Jade about it. Be right back." Without giving much warning, Hussie was already dashing through the street.

"So, I guess there's the two of us now." Rose and Caliborn were already back downstairs, at the projector room.

"NO. STAY WITH YOuR MOuTH SHuT."

Rose remained silent.

"MuCH BETTER."

Andrew Hussie rang on Jade's doorbell, but no one answered. As luck would have had it, both Jade and her grandpa were outside, for different reasons. Frustrated that he didn't hear from anyone in a minute or so, Hussie rang, and rang, and rang again.

"looking for me?" Someone said while Andrew was still ringing. He looked behind him and saw that it was indeed Jade.

"Well, yeah... Reading Homestuck?" Hussie immediately jumped to the matter at hand.

"honestly ive been trying to make do with what i already know / and some fictional adventure of one of my friends isnt exactly helping / :/"

STAGE 2 ==> 57 "What do you already know?" Hussie was genuinely curious. Perhaps his worst fear was that Jade had been reading Homestuck in advance.

"well you were well-intentioned when you made me and my friends / since we somehow retained a sense of friendship for nearly a decade and all / but then theres calidude"

"Caliborn."

"and i honestly imagine that the awful models that the homestuck fans are made you worse off than you were when you started off / and thus you created him"

Ouch. That hit Andrew right in the heart. Since Homestuck, for him, meant the transition from being moderately popular to being immensely popular, he had changed a lot. The particularly awful fans and anti-fans, who had become both greater in number and more persuasive, made him much more secretive about his works, and when he introduced the characters to represent the fandom and the anti-fandom, well, those were Calliope and Caliborn. And by now, everyone already knew how awful Caliborn was.

"Uh... understood then." Hussie hurried back to his own house to tend to Rose and Caliborn, while Jade proceeded to unlock the door to her house and return to playing Minecraft with Dave.

"So, I'm back. Jade didn't want to join us."

"Wait, so you're telling me that you went to Jade's house, got the answer from her and returned here... in two minutes?"

"Authorial powers." Hussie shrugged. "Anyway, I hear there's a webcomic to be read!" He quickly went to the MS Paint Adventures site and looked up the last page that his company had read, "John: Examine calendar."

Without much hesitation, Hussie clicked on the next page, glad that the reading resumed, though not in the ideal state.

58 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One Chapter 2.6. Zoosmell Pooplord Senior

"John: Eat cake." Rose was now the go-to reader for the significantly reduced group.

As she had written, Rose simply viewed Homestuck as an experiment in a new paradigm of storytelling, where instead of creating the fictional universe yourself, you let your fans create it. Those fans spawn more fans that further the creative process, and soon enough the fandom spins out of control, as Homestuck's did.

Caliborn, on the other hand, was an example of such a fan, rather than an outside critical observer. If anything, Caliborn represented the fans who had tagged along since the beginning of Jailbreak, but left during the progress of Bard Quest, because, as it turns out, Bard Quest was nothing like Jailbreak. Such kinds of fans would turn up for the first half of Problem Sleuth, once again driven by nonsense, lose interest in the second, science-laden half of Problem Sleuth, turn up again for early Homestuck, leave approximately during Act 4 and then, years later, wonder how come Homestuck became so popular.

These two different views towards Homestuck clashed right then and there, as Rose said: "So, continuing the hit-and-miss strategy of the past twenty-two pages?"

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH ZOOSMELL POOPLORD SENIOR, THOuGH? HE BAKED AT LEAST TWO CAKES FOR HIS SON. IF NOT MORE."

"Zoosmell Pooplord Senior?" Hussie raised an eyebrow at Caliborn's increasingly esoteric nicknames for the Homestuck characters. Though, there was no real question over his argument. John's father was truly a strange man.

"As for you, Rose... I'd love to see you continue naming the number of pages like that when we get into the thousands."

"The thousands. Thanks for indirectly telling the scale of Homestuck."

"THE THOUSANDS? THAT COuLD TAKE MONTHS TO READ!"

"Not my fault."

"OF COuRSE IT'S YOuR FAuLT, YOu WROTE THE DAMN ADVENTuRE TO BEGIN WITH!"

"Hey, I'm the one who created you, I can say whatever I want." Hussie was slowly getting tired of always playing the "I created you" card from... uh, Cards Against Humanity. That will suffice. Perhaps the way to his characters' hearts was entirely different from what he had always anticipated until now. Hussie himself was curious, and there was the slight sliver of chance that re-reading Homestuck would actually tell him something informative.

Hussie pointed his mouse at the announcement from John's computer, for no particular reason, other than that comics with moving panels enticed him, as they enticed the hundreds of thousands of fans.

STAGE 2 ==> 59 "WHAT. WHAT IS THE HuMAN MEANING OF THESE THREE DOTS." Caliborn was never satisfied with anything Hussie did, and the thought that three dots could somehow be important was even more preposterous than the idea that the same nonsense could go on for thousands of pages.

"You've been living with humans for twenty-one years, you should know."

"I DON'T KNOW. HEY, TRY CLICKING ON THE NEXT PAGE, MAYBE THE DOTS WILL DISAPPEAR."

Hussie clicked on the next page. "Nope."

"HEY. WHAT THE FuCK IS THIS COMPuTER I'M LOOKING AT."

"Is this really John's computer, or just a parody of it? I don't quite remember an operating system with a button named "Actuate"." Rose commented.

"It's a parody, just like Pesterchum is a parody."

"Pesterchum is a parody? I thought it was just a really obscure chat client. Like, really, really, really hidden deep beneath the tons of Internet material. I don't even know what was going on in my mind when I found it."

"I don't even think there was a Pesterchum until after Homestuck."

"Well, my memory might be a bit fuzzy, but most likely I was talking to my friends back in 2008, which is a time before your Homestuck."

"Hey, you didn't exist before Homestuck. How can you know what happened before then?"

Rose, briefly, put her right hand's index finger in a straight position, as if to posit something similar to "I fairly remember that I was told that I was born in 1995 and have memories and photographs from ever since I was a child". Though, deciding it would be for the best not to argue with her creator, she put her hand back to form a fist and rested the hand on her chair. She had quickly learned that the way to talking with Hussie was to bow down to him, metaphorically, all the time. Though, Homestuck, as its pages went on now, was also cooperating, in a sense, since the story hadn't featured her yet.

Well, as a character with lines, Rose thought while sighing. She could now clearly see that the Pesterchum window featured "tentacleTherapist" as one of the chums, and even though she, alternate Rose, was offline, it was only a matter of time before she appeared in text, and later, in person.

As Hussie clicked on the next page, in which it was shown that Dave pestered John, Rose suddenly got to think. Despite being friends for nearly a decade, Rose didn't get to see conversations that didn't involve her. How John and Dave talked to each other remained a complete mystery to her, and she didn't expect Homestuck, the webcomic, to reveal the mystery in a roundabout way. She leaned forward, interested in the next page.

However, knowing who she was with as of right now, perhaps this was mistaken thinking.

60 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One Chapter 2.7. Actual Story

"John: Open message." Rose kept her eyes at the projection of the computer screen at all times while Hussie clicked on the button below the panel, simply named "Show Pesterlog".

Caliborn was considerably less interested in Homestuck, but nevertheless, the amount of attention was sufficient and therefore, somehow, the action of the opening of a pesterlog seemed to do a number in his brain. "AAAAAAAAAAAH! TEXT! TEXT! HIDE IT! HIDE IT!" he started shrieking, as if he had gotten a burn, and ran out of the projector room into his own newfound second floor room.

Rose and Hussie glanced at each other. The blonde only had these words: "I wonder what kind of pain reaction was that."

"Well, Caliborn never liked pesterlogs in Homestuck." Hussie could only answer with knowledge of Homestuck, rather than knowledge of the "real-life" Caliborn, who until this point had never even read a pesterlog. Rose shrugged and decided to check on Caliborn herself, and thus left the projector room.

Rose found Caliborn covered with water. Perhaps truly this was a physiological reaction, rather than an expression of an opinion. However, he wasn't too happy to see Rose around in his own room either. "HEY, BLABBERMOuTH. THIS IS MY SPACE. GET OuT OF IT."

"Can't I just pay a visit?"

"NO."

"Also, I understand that you're a cherub and all and that your reaction to text might be different to that of a human, but please. Homestuck is still ongoing."

"ALRIGHT, FINE." Caliborn brushed the water off of his face and exited his room. He and Rose then went back to the projector room, where the same pesterlog between John and Dave was still displaying.

However, this time Caliborn didn't show any sort of negative reaction. Perhaps the fact that so much text appeared in the blink of an eye scared him almost to death. If anything, Rose and Hussie were both some sorts of detectives, like the proverbial Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson, solving any mystery in their sights, including the mystery of how cherubim act in the light of their reality and other cherubim.

...Was Dr. Watson's first name really "John"? Rose wondered where she picked that up from.

At any rate, Rose began reading the pesterlog. She narrowed her eyes in disgust immediately after the mention of Little Monsters; Hussie had a point that horned punk monsters were a terrible idea. And if that wasn't the worst thing, John and Dave were apparently discussing that scene where Howie Mandel, playing the role of the horned punk monster Maurice, peed in a bottle of apple juice, as whatever prank he and Fred Savage's Brian had construed to be funny. Not to mention, the whole idea of Little Monsters was just that there's a monster dimension from which the monsters do

STAGE 2 ==> 61 all sorts of mischief towards innocent children, who get blamed for the mischief in turn. If Rose was somehow in the movie, she would probably have ended up dismantling the whole monster dimension to begin with.

At any rate, the conversation eventually reached the matter at hand; the Sburb Beta, which for some reason was one of the main focal points of Homestuck, despite the fact that Rose was hearing of it for the first time. Apparently, while John hadn't gotten the beta, Dave already had two copies, and yet John was willing to play the game and Dave wasn't. And since the circle of friends – both in real life and in Homestuck – was rather limited, there was no question that Rose, the one in the story, would have been involved into the matter as well. It was only a matter of time before...

"WHO EVEN CARES ABOuT THESE DOuCHEBAGS AND THEIR MOVIES ANYWAY. IS THERE AN ACTuAL STORY TO HOMOSuCK?"

"All in good time."

"LOOK, IF THAT "GOOD TIME" INVOLVES THOSE THOuSANDS OF PAGES. EVEN IF REAL PLOT IS ON BY THE PAGE ONE THOuSAND. THAT WILL ALREADY BE TOO LONG FOR ME."

"Look, you're not even tending to your sister now. You have every opportunity to leave..."

"THE TRUTH IS. THAT YOu WANT ME TO READ THE WHOLE ADVENTuRE ANYWAY. YOu ASKED ME. DON'T YOu REMEMBER?"

Hussie sighed and clicked on the next page. Luckily for Caliborn, there were no more pesterlogs with their text traps; instead, there was a simple picture of John's front yard.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS ROUND OBJECT HANGING FROM A TREE."

"The tire swing."

"TO ME, IT'S STILL AN uSELESS APPENDAGE. TO AN ALREADY BORING NEIGHBORHOOD."

"Couldn't we have gotten more people, really? As of now, the whole readership of Homestuck is basically me and the ornery alien fellow."

"Don't you dare insult the almighty Homestuck fandom like that." Hussie's eyes remained blank, but that didn't mean that he couldn't give Rose a death glare anyway.

"I meant the readership that is right here, right now."

"Oh." Hussie felt a bit stupid; though, being stupid and misunderstanding his own characters was what happened to him a lot of times during the past two days.

"What was that thing that you said about a fandom again?"

62 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "Well, as you see, everything was submitted by a not-so-small not-so-close circle of forumgoers, for a time. But then the people changed and became this neverending machine that puts out fanart, fanfic, fanventures, fan music, basically fan everything. That's why the cosplayers are still persistent, even a year after Homestuck is done. They just can't let go, and repeat their catchphrase: "Good fandoms don't die, they become Classic Tier.""

"Classic Tier?"

"Based on a concept of Homestuck, God Tier, wherein... I think I said too much." Hussie was contemplating his words as something that guides his current Homestuck readers through their adventure, alongside the adventure itself, and that he mustn't squander the opportunity.

It was timely thinking; the opportunity just came for the beta kids in real life, and now the opportunity was finally showing up in Homestuck. Chapter 2.8. Mere Human Minds

"John: Examine mailbox."

The longer the two people went on, the longer Homestuck seemed. Rose swore to herself that if she was to read any further, she would have to convince the old party to join back together. She was already getting a feel for her own phone, a Samsung Galaxy S7, while she was looking at the new page that appeared on the projector.

Apparently, this page zoomed in on a mailbox and showed that "the little red arm-swingy-dealy"...

"Oh, you mean the flag." Rose couldn't help but drop a comment on the wording, yet again, and didn't feel how her thoughts transitioned to her speech. This was a rare problem, but nevertheless it was a problem.

"Which is actually typically used to inform the mailman that there is outgoing mail. I don't even... Either John didn't know this, the mailman didn't, or, worst of all, I didn't and ended up misinforming the Homestuck fans."

"OKAY, NO. I FORBID ZOOSMELL POOPLORD FROM EVER BEING HAPPY."

"He will display a lot of emotions throughout the story, so you'd better be ready."

"EMOTIONS ARE STUPID. CONQuEST IS AWESOME."

"There will be a fair amount of conquest in Homestuck as well. Look, Homestuck is a story that is basically written for everyone. There are relatable children, relatable adults, morals, funny moments, etc. etc. etc."

"ALRIGHT. NEXT PAGE. OH, WAIT, I THOuGHT THE KIDS WERE TRAPPED IN THEIR HOuSES?"

STAGE 2 ==> 63 "They are, metaphorically, and later literally. I'm sure being trapped in one's home is a feeling everyone has felt."

"OH YES. THAT'S RIGHT. SINCE I HAVE TO KEEP INTERACTION WITH THE OuTSIDE WORLD TO A MINIMuM."

"Wait, so John was told to go outside... and didn't even make a step?"

"Well, his dad beat him. Might I say he was... already here?"

"THAT IS. THAT IS ACTuALLY AWESOME. THE WHOLE BEING ALREADY HERE THING. I WISH I COuLD ALREADY BE HERE. WHEN I WAS TOLD TO READ HOMOSuCK. EXCEPT READING HOMOSuCK IS A TERRIBLE IDEA."

"Then why did you do it?"

"TO SPITE MY SISTER, THAT'S WHY."

"You and your sister are becoming more and more incomprehensible to our mere human minds." Unfortunately for Hussie (and possibly to Calliope), the cherubim were still 4,000 pages away, and he wasn't learning anything about them any time soon.

But, he guessed, by taking this in page by page, he would be able to learn many more things about his own storytelling and character development, and where things went wrong. He needed to reconcile with his own characters somehow.

Sighing, Hussie clicked on the next page of Homestuck. Ironically, even though it was his own adventure, he wanted it to be over the most.

"Look, you can't just tell a human to forget stuff. That will only make them think about it more. That's the kind of reinforcement the human brain deals with." Rose commented.

"WOW, HuMANS SuRE ARE WEIRD."

"Clockwork? Because he's the Knight of Time? I never noticed that, and that's saying something since I wrote the line to begin with." Hussie was always in his own mindset while reading Homestuck, and didn't give a fuck about what Rose or Caliborn thought.

"Are you saying you felt fit to generalize Dave Strider as "the Knight of Time", ignoring the different facets of his coolkid personality?"

"What? Knight of Time is just the role that Dave was given by Sburb."

"A role given by... how extensive is this Sburb game, anyway?"

"Very, Seer of Light."

64 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "Seer of Light. On the other hand, I prefer the Lovecraftian darkness and lack of foresight on what terrible events might come together next."

"Well, some of those titles are less of what you are and more of what you're supposed to become, as if they were challenging you... horses? Horses!"

"WHAT." The sudden remark about something that had nothing to do with the page's subject matter confused Caliborn.

"I'm not going to question any more of Hussie's tirades." Rose was no less dumbfounded than Caliborn, and that was saying something, since they rarely if ever had the same reaction to anything.

"Horses. Past me rules. Anyway. Next page." Hussie suddenly got serious again.

"DOES THIS GuY PLAY GAMES." Caliborn looked at the briefly flashing covers as Hussie scrolled over.

"Well, yeah. And you were going to read it, but then you decided to fixate on his failed name..."

"HE IS ZOOSMELL, AND YOu CAN'T CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE."

"...and fill in the gaps by giving him interests that he doesn't have."

"Ghostbusters II MMORPG? John mentioned it to me a couple of times."

"What?" Hussie asked Rose.

"It's a real video game..."

"Awesome."

"Do you even care for us or do you just want to read the story yourself? You always think your commentary is more worthwhile than ours."

"Look, I already know what your commentary is going to be anyway, since I created you and wrote every single line for you. I have a detailed intel on your interests and reactions to various events, and by that I can reasonably construe a commentary of you reading Homestuck all by myself. I am perfectly capable of producing a John reads Homestuck, or a Rose reads Homestuck, or a Caliborn reads Homestuck – which has actually been integrated to Homestuck..."

"WHAT DO YOu MEAN, I READ HOMOSuCK?"

"Oops. Said too much again. These early pages are going to be a pain." Hussie just clicked on the next page, wanting the plot to start more than anyone else.

STAGE 2 ==> 65 "Okay, that's it. We definitely need more people who can view Homestuck from a newcomer's perspective." Rose pulled the phone out and looked at the phone numbers, thinking of whom to message first.

Author's idiotisms: Also known as the chapter in which I shamelessly steal and paraphrase Hussie's notes from Homestuck Book One, and it's only a matter of writing Rose and Caliborn's notes. Chapter 2.9. Support Group

John Egbert, at the time, was working on programming exercises included in Data Structures for Assholes: The Animated Edition. He was meaning to brush up on his skills for August, and his birthday present helped him a lot on that regard. Since various data structures were now actually presented in animated form, John found that he could understand them way more intuitively. In addition, it helped him forget about Hussie and Homestuck, since John needed that a lot, and he certainly wasn't going to be fed up every time he saw the man with the lips that are way too big for his own good.

Of course, he hadn't watched much of the video when he was pestered again. He only had caught up with the array, which was the simplest data structure that John knew anyway, when someone he didn't know messaged him.

-- usefullyUnbound [UU] began pestering ectoBiologies [EB] --

UU: john? EB: huh? EB: yeah, it's me, john. EB: are you one of those homestuck fans that pester jade? UU: no, jade told me of yoUr chUmhandle. UU: well, what yoUr chUmhandle is right now. UU: yoU switch between chUmhandles a lot, right? EB: you still didn't tell me who you are. UU: i think yoU'll recognize me even if i don't tell yoU. UU: yoU told me to spread my wings or whatever the cherUbim have, yoU know? EB: oh, calliope! EB: didn't even expect... EB: you only got pesterchum recently, right? UU: yes. UU: anyway, remember how we discUssed the homestUck character sUpport groUp? EB: uh, yeah? UU: jade wants to continUe the idea... UU: and she recently discovered something yoU can make over here called a memo. EB: cool! UU: so, she told me to copy this link so yoU can go to the memo. UU: hang on...

66 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One UU: #homestuck_character_support_group EB: let me check it out right now.

CURRENT gardensGnostic [CGG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board HOMESTUCK CHARACTER SUPPORT GROUP.

CGG: is everyone on? CURRENT usefullyUnbound [CUU] RIGHT NOW responded to memo. CUU: yUp! CURRENT ectoBiologies [CEB] RIGHT NOW responded to memo. CEB: well, i don't know... CEB: i think it was only us three? CEB: did you convince anyone else, jade? CGG: nope CGG: never even mentioned the idea CGG: waiting for it to become more robust CUU: let's get on with it then! CGG: so we need a set place...... CGG: anywhere outside checks out because homestuck fans will notice us CGG: calliopes home checks out since caliborn will kill us CGG: not to mention its too near our fairy god human creators house CGG: so its either my home or johns CEB: well, i don't know, would your grandpa mind? CGG: would your dad or nanna mind is the question really CEB: well, either way they'd have to be convinced they're homestuck characters, and we don't even know if they are. CEB: i mean, those notes are around my house in homestuck, but anyone could have written them. CGG: huh CGG: never considered that CGG: cant you like CGG: read homestuck? CGG: and see what happens CEB: no, jade, it does not work like this. CEB: remember, we HATE hussie. CEB: we can't suddenly do things that imply we LIKE him. CEB: read his comics, hang out with him... CGG: well i dont know but youre dismissing an entire story so quickly CUU: hUh? CGG: it could be worthwhile if there are so many fans yknow? CEB: to read it means that i will BECOME one of those fans. CEB: and since both of us hate them... CGG: well you can always analyze the story critically CGG: like for example it has bad points CGG: like caliborn CGG: and how much of a douchebag he is CGG: but it also has the power of friendship and all CEB: honestly that seems more like something rose would do. CEB: she's been going in-depth with my personality ever since we became friends, and especially for the last two years, with her sociopathy or whatever studies.

STAGE 2 ==> 67 CEB: i mean sometimes she gives useful advice, like just before my birthday, but most of the time it just feels like babble. CEB: hey, where is she anyway? CGG: idk CGG: havent heard from her CGG: she logged off from pesterchum and still hasnt told me what handle she logged back on as if any CUU: what's going on? CGG: sorry calliope CGG: got sidetracked CUU: did yoU even decide on anything in particUlar? CEB: oh, speak of the devil.

John took off his own last birthday's iPhone and saw that Rose had dropped him a message. He posted a quick informative note and looked at Rose's text: "Homestuck with me?"

This was, to say the least, not what John needed, so he quickly typed up a simple "no." and wanted to go back to the discussion, when another message appeared, swiftly as the light of his computer's monitor: "Why not?"

John, to say the least, was puzzled. On one hand, he thought he had just made his stance on Homestuck particularly clear a few times today. On the other hand, while he could reject an offer from a complete stranger and a bit of a creep, he couldn't simply reject an offer, even if it was the very same offer, from his friend.

While he was thinking of a response to type, conflicted between these two thoughts, Pesterchum buzzed a couple of times. John immediately looked up back at his computer.

CGG: john is everything okay? CGG: what does she want anyway? CUU: did yoU? CEB: sigh... CEB: for me to read homestuck, apparently with her. CGG: though seriously why not? CEB: no, jade, you don't understand. CEB: and i don't think you will EVER understand, even though you want to help me and my friends. CUU: listen, yoU were given the opportUnity first and honestly it's the best for yoU to accept it! CEB: rrrrrrrrrrr. CEB: alright, fine. CEB: brb! CEB ceased responding to memo.

68 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One John scrambled to type one more response to Rose: "you know what, changed my mind. can you send hussie over?"

Alt text: Honestly, CEB to me looks like one of those acronyms printed on euro banknotes. Chapter 2.10. Purple Prose

"How do you expect her to send me over... when I'm already here?" Someone said behind John. He immediately turned around to see Hussie, who apparently had suddenly appeared in John's room.

"holy SHIT." John couldn't help but shout out. "how did you..."

"What, you don't already know that I have authorial powers?"

John smacked himself on the face. After the shared moment of stupidity, he took time to gather himself and properly respond to his creator. "so... that's pretty much straight down to business if i didn't know what that is."

"Uh..." Hussie was worried that John would change his mind once again.

"i like it."

Without much hesitation, Hussie used his authorial powers once again, and in no time he was able to take John to his home, where Rose and Caliborn were...

...huh. Interesting.

Moments after Hussie left, Caliborn sighed and spoke up, knowing that no one except for Rose was listening to him. "I SWEAR. I SAID YES TO HOMOSuCK. BACK THEN AND THERE. BuT NOW I WANT TO JuST LEAVE."

"No one's forcing you."

"THE MAN IS FORCING ME."

"The man?"

"NAME BEGINS WITH AN A. SuRNAME BEGINS WITH AN H. EVIL AS HELL ITSELF. IF I BELIEVED IN YOuR HuMAN HELL, THAT IS."

"Hmm..." Rose thought for a while, really meaning to think outside the box. Most likely it wasn't someone obvious, but nevertheless someone well-known. Rose thus, thinking about it, guessed: "Adolf Hitler?"

STAGE 2 ==> 69 Rose and Caliborn were now blankly staring at each other. How did they allow Hitler to enter the conversation? Wasn't there a Godwin's Law which posited that whoever mentions Hitler or the Nazis first loses the argument?

Though, actually it wasn't much of an argument. It was a guesswork game, and by now Rose had already realized that Caliborn meant Andrew Hussie, rather than a historical figure from the early 20th century that was barely relevant to this context.

As they were pondering this, Hussie and John came back. Rose was debating between herself on whether or not to continue the accidental Hitler remark, but ultimately decided against it.

Instead, John spoke up. "so, got any progress on homestuck?"

"STILL ALL ZOOSMELL POOPLORD, ALL THE TIME. DON'T WORRY."

"You had a pesterlog with Dave about Little Monsters."

"little monsters? i HAVE to check it out." Hussie clicked "go back" a few times, and thus the story briefly returned to the first pesterlog ever written for it.

CGG: shes reading homestuck CGG: who could have known? CUU: well, it's really in yoUr best interest to read it, since, from what i've heard, yoU foUr are the main protagonists! CUU: while i... CUU: i don't even know what role the cherUbim play, to be honest. CGG: whatever role you and your brother play i hope theyre memorable! CUU: protection of the Universe at a larger scale, apparently? CUU: thoUgh, i have no idea if that's the role of the cherUbim in general, or jUst the role of me and my brother. CGG: well as for me CGG: idk tbh CUU: idk tbh? CUU: is this another langUage? CGG: i dont know to be honest CGG: sorry for using acronyms so densely CGG: i SUPPOSE im part of the group with john rose and dave CGG: but what we actually do is beyond me CUU: can't yoU read homestUck yoUrself, like yoU jUst sUggested john to? CGG: hmm CGG: well i would actually like it if i read with john and co CGG: but your brother... CUU: as far as i know, hUssie got him and rose together. CUU: and since yoU mentioned they're reading homestUck... CGG: yeah CGG: i imagine now hes shouting at rose and john for LITERALLY CGG: EVERYTHING CUU: it woUldn't be too mUch oUt of character for him to be honest... CGG: ok the conclusion is

70 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One CGG: we dont know that much about homestuck CGG: and hussies current project of reading it involves people we dont want like caliborn CGG: and MAYBE hussie himself CUU: definitely hUssie himself, jade. CUU: definitely. CGG: so its probably for the best if we can somehow gather our own reading group CGG: which will ofc be part of the support group CUU: see? CUU: this is what i meant on anything in particUlar. CUU: some things that other sUpport groUps won't do. CGG: huh CGG: anyway thats that CGG: without john we cant do that much CGG: bye then! CUU: farewell, jade! CUU ceased responding to memo. CGG ceased responding to memo.

CGG closed the memo.

"Is your infatuation with the obscure, if slightly appaling, movies satisfied?" Rose was irritated, mainly because the pages of Homestuck that she read today weren't that big a thing to miss, at least if you asked her.

"no need to snap, rose. if you came into this scene you'd also want to catch up."

"WHO THE HELL IS ROSE." Caliborn couldn't listen to other people's conversations all that well. In fact, the idea that such conversations could be part of the same webcomic as himself disgusted him.

"The person in question would be me."

"BuT I THOuGHT YOu WERE ANNOYING BLABBERMOuTH?"

"You can attach derogatory nicknames and keep referring to them to the content of whatever cherub counterpart there exists to the human heart, but that doesn't change the fact that I was, since birth, designated with the name Rose Lalonde."

"Since May 2009, actually."

"What?"

"Told you that all the names were suggested by my readers."

STAGE 2 ==> 71 "If that is the case, then is there a similar series of derogatory nicknames which, in the mindset of your forum acquaintances, were real names, for me, if only because that is the most likely scenario?"

"Yes."

"OH MY GOD. SO MuCH PuRPLE." It almost looked as if Caliborn had yet another physiological reaction, in which he could somehow not only see what others said, but also see it in color.

"I will keep my purple prose to a minimum in that case, if only to accomodate to..."

"NO. BE SILENT."

"Very well." Rose looked away from Caliborn and back into the computer screen where Homestuck was presented.

"so... homestuck? or is this not what i came for here?"

"No worries, John. This is exactly what you came for here." Hussie quickly went forward through pages, and soon enough the newly formed party was at the first page which they hadn't read yet.

Chapter 2.11. Second Read

"John: Read COLONEL SASSACRE'S DAUNTING TEXT."

That was going to be one of the more memorable moments, some members of the newly expanded group thought. John was the most interested, because he would get to read one of the books that were in the room – his room, albeit presented with a slice of fiction, and Rose was one of those people who would read anything, no matter how interesting or uninteresting it was.

On the other hand, though, there was Caliborn, who would probably throw up if there were any more walls of text in this godforsaken webcomic.

Fortunately, there weren't any, for a reason that turns out to be important, at least in the early acts of Homestuck: the problem that, in order to read a book, it needs to be in your sylladex.

"aww." John felt like Homestuck needed to take up initiative and stop taking all these suggestions from all these readers, because as of right now it just was going on too slow.

"Just a couple of pages..." Hussie felt the need to comfort John.

"LISTEN. WE ALREADY KNOW. THAT HOMOSuCK IS SOME THOuSANDS OF PAGES. SO "JuST A COuPLE" COuLD MEAN A LOT OF THINGS. DEPENDING ON WHETHER OR NOT. IT CONTINuES TO BE THIS HORSESHIT."

"It gets serious. It gets so serious it hurts."

72 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "WHO WANTS TO READ A COMIC? THAT IS BOTH STuPID AND SERIOuS. AT THE SAME TIME."

"Many people, apparently."

"I REST MY CASE. THAT THERE IS BOuND TO BE. A HORDE OF HOMOSuCK HATERS."

"hey, speaking of haters. jade told me that apparently you're the result of hussie's frustration..."

"Stop. Enough. Enough. Homestuck's ongoing." As he clicked on the next page, Hussie shrugged at the fact that already, his readers were thoroughly enjoying his misery.

Predictably, Hussie thus smiled at the next page, in which John was the one suffering.

"when will i stop goofing around like this? seriously. i understand that i'm 13 here, but this is already taking too long." John couldn't take it anymore.

"ALL OF ETERNITY."

"Until sylladices and fetch modi become irrelevant."

"They do?" Rose wondered. If Homestuck wasn't thousands of pages of characters goofing around, she was genuinely curious on what it really was.

"Not immediately, though." Hussie clicked on the next page, which involved perhaps the most irrelevant action in Homestuck: establishing the rules of a chat client that becomes of even less use than the sylladex or strife mechanics.

"This, apparently, is really an action you needed to dedicate a page to." Now, even Rose had grown tired of the format of Homestuck and how it seemed to drag on and on.

"It was suggested." Hussie responded in defense.

"LOOK. WE CAN READ HOMOSuCK WITHOuT YOu NOTING EVERY LITTLE IRRELEVANT DETAIL."

"But there are many irrelevant details that are interesting. Though, yeah. Probably on a second reread."

"A SECOND REREAD." Caliborn was on the verge of throwing up on the wall on which Homestuck was projected.

"Yes."

"DID YOu IMPLY THAT HOMOSuCK IS SO WORTHWHILE. WE SHOuLD READ IT TWICE? WOW."

STAGE 2 ==> 73 "Yes. It is, for one, so long that you will forget many details of it on your first read, even if you aren't skimming and just looking at the pictures, as..." Hussie sighed. "...some of my particularly more annoying fans are known to do. Therefore..."

"details of the second read ON the second read, please. we're not getting much further with these dialogues." John stole the computer away from Hussie and used it to click on the next page, this time featuring a pesterlog between his alternate and Dave. He then clicked on "Show Pesterlog", and Caliborn immediately covered his eyes so he wouldn't get shocked by text as he did the first time.

Though, even though John was initially excited for the pesterlog, immediately upon reading it his interest began to wane. The two, in the comic, kept discussing nonexistent things such as sylladices, strife specibi and most of all, the beta that seemed like a large part of Homestuck.

"I am not macking on Dave." Rose interrupted John's inner monologue.

"huh?" John quickly looked for the part in the pesterlog which referred to romance.

"It's simple, really. While the base personalities of Dave and myself are similar, under different circumstances we grew up to be two different people. There are similarities; for example, we are both creative and don't immediately give away our feelings, but I am so much more educated on actual affairs while Dave is more educated on popculture affairs. This also shows in our writing; I write particularly representative works while Dave is experimenting with modern art."

"Except for the part where you both are really the same creative guy, who is me. Andrew Hussie. And I employ the idea of practicing different art styles, which is the most important in art, actually."

"However, there is and will always be a signature style to your work. When you're not narrating any of your characters, your writing still gets deeply involved in the fictional systems of video games such as Homestuck (correct me if Homestuck isn't actually a game someone outside of and alien to John's universe is playing) and Sburb, and uses words that your audience is very unlikely to know. Therefore..."

"DID I NOT TELL YOu TO STAY WITH YOuR MOuTH SHuT." As it turned out, there actually was no cherub noise that indicated that people needed to shut up and get to the matter at hand.

"I was just making an observation. Hussie makes observations like this all the time."

"YEAH, BuT HuSSIE'S OBSERVATIONS ARE AT LEAST SNAPPY AND TO THE POINT. WHILE YOuRS. YOuRS JuST GO ON AND ON AND ON FOREVER. LIKE A NEVERENDING CORNuCOPIA OF BLABBER. THAT IS IN YOuR MOuTH. AND IS ANNOYING. HENCE MY CHOICE OF TITLE FOR YOu. ANNOYING BLABBERMOuTH."

"Flighty Broad." Hussie corrected Caliborn, once again accidentally using a fact from the later pages of Homestuck.

74 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "SHE WILL FOREVER BE ANNOYING BLABBERMOuTH TO ME." Caliborn looked at the screen, and surely enough, someone – Caliborn at this point didn't even care who it was – clicked on the next page. Chapter 2.12. Full of Blocks

"John: Combine arms with cake."

Strangely enough, this page seemed to be both integral to Homestuck and a part of the complete nonsense. Sure, people wanted a kick out of fake arms stuck in one of those many, many (two so far) cakes, and yet John, the one in the story, needed that to get the hammer to the strife specibus. The real John sighed, supposing that the event was somewhat hilarious, yet still was struggling to understand the humor of Homestuck, as did everyone else.

...except Caliborn, of course. He didn't give a single fuck about Homestuck, and couldn't even be forced. In fact, it was almost circumstantially guaranteed that he would not be there to witness Act 2, as serious as it was, compared to Act 1.

John looked over the page, then motioned to the next page himself. Caliborn immediately got sick over the endless cornucopia of text, all ending with the word "kind". Therefore, he was the first to comment:

"HOLY SHIT. THAT'S A LOT OF STRIFE SPECIBI."

"You never know what strange object people will try to allocate and use as a weapon for all of eternity." Hussie commented, and added an irrelevant note, this time under his breath, so no one would hear: "(Mine's broomkind.)"

"To each their own, I suppose. I expect something like..." Rose was thinking where she would be in this system, and Hussie knew that. Hussie also knew where Rose was actually in the system, and could practically speak for her, as he did by saying:

"Needlekind."

"What?" Rose did not expect her internal yet vocalized monologue to be interrupted.

"Your strife specibus. Needlekind. Like knitting needles." As if Rose didn't know. She replied with the best snide and sarcastic comment she could come up with:

"I haven't knit in ages." This was a simple factual statement from Rose, and yet people still got confused over it, including John, who said: "really?"

"No point in stopping here. Next page, John." John thus complied with Rose's command, and looked over the page, seeing the hammer being successfully deposited in a green card. He smiled a bit and commented:

"see? these are pages that i need. where the game system actually progresses."

STAGE 2 ==> 75 "I WHOLEHEARTEDLY AGREE."

"uh, caliborn? i thought i want nothing to do with you?" Of all people, John expected Caliborn to respond to him the least.

"WHY NOT, ZOOSMELL?"

"well, to begin with, sentences like this." John couldn't take more of being called Zoosmell Pooplord, and further "progressed" Homestuck, hoping that characters other than him would become playable soon.

However, the next page showed no luck. It was just another pesterlog between John and Dave, which apparently was short and to the point.

"HEY. THESE PESTERLOGS ARE GETTING SHORTER AND SHORTER. MAYBE HOMOSuCK ISN'T THAT BAD AFTER ALL."

Hussie just laughed like a complete dork and/or maniac. "You ain't prepared, buddy."

"OF COuRSE I'M NOT PREPARED FOR HOMOSuCK. IT'S JuST THAT YOu'RE FORCING ME."

"Everyone already knows that I'm forcing you. Now, let's get to the next page." Hussie clicked, and John immediately squinted at the sight of that pink and girly inventory system from hell based on data structures that he could never master in a lifetime.

"I bet Dave would get a kick out of the fact that you're so intent on occupying every single captchalogue card." Rose wanted to form the impression that her friends are here.

"not funny. i would really love to have the ender chest... i mean the array modus."

"So you could combine it with the Queue and the Stack to produce an Array of Queuestacks modus?" Hussie really needed to learn to somehow keep the spoilers down.

"what?"

"Let's face it, Stack and Queue still have their advantage since they shoot stuff out."

"this has nothing to do with convenience." John couldn't believe he was arguing over fictional inventory systems.

"Yes, it does. What if you need to attack something and you lose your trusty hammer?"

"oh my god, i just realized. i will be stuck with hammers forever?"

"Your observations continue to be groundbreaking." Rose replied sarcastically as Hussie and John both gripped their hands on the computer mouse, clicking on the next page, showing the magazine

76 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One GameBro, which John squinted at. "you mean this magazine exists in your universe?" he immediately asked.

"Haha, I can't believe that stupid concepts like that actually exist." Hussie really needed to get an issue of GameBro some time. It could be any issue.

"no, it's true! with it, dave got into the only game he ever plays."

"You mean that Minecraft thing?"

"well, yeah. apparently it's full of blocks and looks lame at a first glance. but then you REALLY get into it, and can build amazing stuff, as i've seen on the internet."

"What, did you think I had no intel on Minecraft?" Well, that was part truth. Hussie did know that Minecraft exists, but heard nothing about this amazing stuff being built. To him, it still felt like goofing around, but then again, goofing around was what Homestuck felt like to its new readers, even though amazing stuff such as the new planets and trolls was right in their face.

"I thought you didn't have time for things like this?" Rose wanted to join the conversation, but quickly realized it would have been much better if she simply kept the responses to herself.

"but you didn't know the ender chest." John felt the need to argue with his creator, because the matter did not concern him as a person or as a character.

"Well, obviously I'm all about MY OWN fantasy game, and could tell you all about it. But let's face it, GameBro could tell you about it much better."

"whatever this game bro thing is, it sure sounds like a joke." John thus sighed and clicked to see what he didn't really want to see, but what was part of Homestuck, so John really had to just suck it. Chapter 2.13. The Style of Humor

"John: Read article."

John couldn't believe what he had gotten himself into. Apparently, Hussie was so intent on trying different styles of art within the same comic that he didn't even care what sort of fanbase he was attracting. No matter who picked up Homestuck, John was sure that someone would hate at least one part of it.

And for John himself, GameBro was that part. "just wonderful. the first thing we get to read is that drivel." he proceeded to say.

Rose immediately defended Hussie's position. "It's not drivel, it just requires a critical eye that can take it in."

"Don't listen to her. It's complete bullshit that doesn't really belong on Homestuck." Hussie retorted. Apparently, he didn't want to defend his own position, for some unexplained reason.

STAGE 2 ==> 77 "then why is it in homestuck?" John immediately began arguing.

"To complement one of its characters."

"sigh. well, i GUESS that if dave's in the story, we have to make a whole bunch of things just about dave. but then again, WHY would i own gamebro if it was dave's thing? if the story is about me, it shouldn't be mocking me based on stuff that i own."

John suddenly stopped to think over what he said. He actually wanted to continue from other characters' perspectives, to be honest. Well, to be completely down to earth and his thoughts, he actually wanted Homestuck to stop making fun of him.

However, his thoughts were interrupted by Rose. "Stereographic perspective is actually a well- reasoned thing to have in any story, so that its readers can form an objective view of the characters."

"That." Hussie simply nodded at Rose as he clicked on the next page, as he was meaning to satiate John's glare. Luckily, the glare got a lot less serious as John read what was on the page. "yup. just kill that thing with fire."

"INDEED." Strangely enough, even while Caliborn and John hated each other, their stance towards certain aspects of Homestuck was similar. Perhaps it was one of those things similar to the parallel between Calliope and Hussie: not actually meant to be taken seriously, since the actual relationship between them wasn't the best.

"Luckily, Dave isn't around." Rose knew of one person who wouldn't be satisfied.

"Well, Dave is sort of based on me and I'm around..."

"You disgust me." Rose had nothing against Dave, but had already begun gathering reasons to hate Hussie, and those seemed to automatically come around the more Rose hung out with Homestuck, as well as the more she read Homestuck.

And more Homestuck was exactly what was came up, as the version of John in the comic captchalogued his hat. Everyone wondered what this action was about, but John was the first to comment.

"really? that hat doesn't even do anything." John, even though he didn't show it, really needed someone to comment on other than himself.

"Everything does something in the greater scale."

"yeah? sylladexes don't. things like game bro don't. what says this thing does?" John still didn't have the complete picture of Homestuck, and comments like this were reasonable, from his perspective. However, he was yet to fall in love with the comic.

"Sylladexes actually provide humor that can get people into Homestuck." Hussie was sure to defend his case. Then again, who wouldn't defend his own writing, even from ages ago?

78 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "The style of humor that Homestuck is into is quite unique." At least Rose could agree with everyone that that much was right.

"THE STYLE OF HuMOR THAT HOMOSuCK IS INTO IS HORSESHIT." Almost everyone. Well, there was the excuse that Caliborn was hard to satisfy, if anything.

"Horse shit is best shit." Nevertheless, it was objectively right and incorporated into Hussie's speaking style.

"ALL MY FACEPALM ARE BELONG TO YOu. SO TO QuOTE. YOuR GODAWFuL INTERNET. I NEVER THOuGHT I WOuLD SAY THIS. BuT I PREFER HOMOSuCK TO YOu." Thus, Caliborn made the motion to progress the comic himself, and looked at what John combined the hat with. Hussie made sure to facepalm at the overused meme, and also looked at the projection.

Though, all the curious looks were out-done by John's mild satisfaction. "okay, i take the serious comment back. funny stuff can be part of homestuck too, as long as people are laughing with me."

"Always wanting the prankster's gambit for yourself, I suppose?" Rose sighed. "This is one of the very few times where I wish I wasn't actually friends with you."

"you don't REALLY mean that, rose?"

"Of course not, John." Neither John nor Rose were really serious; they retained the friendship and nothing could potentially take it away from them. For all intents and purposes, the beta kids were one person, who was always full of different ideas... oh, wait, that's Hussie.

...Well, Hussie has the horse fetish and the personality altered by the internet, so John, Jade, Rose and Dave were still separate from him. And happy. And together. And sweet and cheerful in every way possible, unable to be affected by any negative outside influence, including Hussie and Caliborn, in any way.

"HOW MuCH OF THIS SOCIALIZING BETWEEN THE HuMANS WILL HAVE TO BE HERE. IN THE READ." Oh, speak of the negative outside influence. Caliborn once again showed that he is a part of an entirely different species.

"Hey, shouldn't you, by your acts, be indistinguishable from a genuine human being, since you hung around with them for two decades?"

"BuT YOu TOLD ME. THAT THESE TWO DECADES. THAT I SPENT AMONG HuMANS. WILL BECOME IRRELEVANT IN THE GREATER SCALE."

"I was only stating what fit reasonably within the Homestuck canon." Hussie really liked the compendium of ideas that Homestuck generated, and Hiveswap and its followups seemed like a real game changer (it's funny because Hiveswap was a literal game) in that respect, in which Homestuck would be continued beyond the story of a boy and his friends who play a game together into a shared universe and fandom.

STAGE 2 ==> 79 However, the boy in question, before Hussie could think of anything, clicked on the next page and forced everyone to look. Chapter 2.14. Other Fandoms

"John: Wear disguise to fool dad."

John felt conflicted about the humor of Homestuck featured in the past forty-five pages. Sometimes, the humor in question was directed against John, seeing as it was part of the game, which Hussie's readers played a long time ago, and the players apparently wanted to humiliate John as much as possible. Yet, on the other hand, the version of John in the comic enjoyed his own practices, as was shown by this page, where he was wearing the Beagle Puss himself.

"hehehe. i don't even care if it's a shitty disguise. i could wear this all day."

"As I've seen you in photos." Rose was the one who originally had the idea of communicating via ID cards rather than ordinary photos, because John would have used this as an opportunity to prank. And also because cosplayers were also mocking the appearance of Rose's friends.

"ZOOSMELL POOPLORD STRIKES AGAIN." And, of course, Caliborn was still being Caliborn.

"John Egbert. I'm not going to say it again. Now let's continue John Egbert's adventures in John Egbert's bedroom. John Egbert John Egbert John Egbert."

"BuT I THOuGHT YOu WERE NOT GOING TO SAY IT AGAIN?" Caliborn's logic was alien to Hussie, just as Hussie's was alien to Caliborn.

"I made my point. Now look at the page."

"FINE. OH, HEY, THAT KID'S NOT TRAPPED IN HIS ROOM. I CALL OVERPOWERED." Caliborn also had a really strange impression of social life, given his life with Calliope.

John, though, instead looked at the background photos and the commentary attached to them. "hmm. could that guy actually be michael cera?"

"It is not." Hussie knew.

"well, since you put everything together, including finding and inserting that photo, i'll believe you. next!" Perhaps inside the story, it was a big deal, but in this room, Hussie was the god. Hussie knew of everything relating to Homestuck; it was simply presumptuous of him to assume he also knew of the beta kids' lives in the alternate universe of Homestuck in which Hussie happened to reside, along with the fandom.

Putting this thought aside, John looked at the living room which his comic's alternate had descended to. He read the comment about Betty Crocker and said: "oh god, DON'T remind me of the river of cake. it might even be one of those points where i'd actually THANK the homestuck people, since they ate it instead of me."

80 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One His birthdays were really awful. That much was true.

"See? The Homestuck fandom isn't a bunch of awful shitstains that other fandoms make it out to be. Looking at you, SuperWhoLock." Hussie was now talking as if the people before him were Tumblr junkies, rather than characters. This was a mistake, as Caliborn asked:

"WHAT'S SuPERWHOLOCK."

"The unholy combination of everything that's British. That's all you really need to know."

"Is Doctor Who a part of it?" Rose asked. She had only seen a few episodes of Doctor Who, mainly linked to her from Dave, and knew the central plot was around a guy who wasn't really human and who did a lot of time travel, but that was really it.

"I don't want to do anything with you." Hussie glanced at Rose. If anything, the Homestuck characters should grow up to be fans of Homestuck, rather than the rivaling fandoms. No matter how nice they acted with the Homestuck fans (looking at you, Hetalia), Hussie liked the idea of a pure Homestuck fan, one who chooses to ignore everything else, even if Caliborn is pretty much a huge reference to Doctor Who.

Though, supposing that the characters now have free wills, Hussie discarded the thought and clicked on the eternal yet constantly mutating blue link, which now led the people to a further examination of John's living room and the harlequins placed here.

"why are there all these things that are deliberately designed to spite me anyway?"

"I thought you subconsciously liked harlequins?" Hussie really needed to quit the act of assuming the alternate universe Homestuck characters had the same stories as their real counterparts. Unfortunately, as he was reading Homestuck at this very moment, this was going to be hard.

"i most definitely did NOT."

"I CAN'T BELIEVE. THAT WE ARE BICKERING OVER MINOR DETAILS LIKE THIS." The entirety of this dialogue really made the process of reading Homestuck slow, in the very least in Caliborn's mind.

"Next page it is, though." Hussie thus clicked, and the people that were here were immediately comforted by the animation of the fireplace.

"and thus we all feel a bit more at home." John and Rose both turned their heads at the comfort. John then immediately followed: "your house needs a fireplace, hussie."

"My house already has Homestuck, and it's pretty much the best thing a house can have."

As John and Hussie were discussing the matter, Rose read the page aloud, shedding a tear. "Quote, Mark Twain. You are almost certain Mark Twain said that."

"Actually, it's a Shakespeare quote." Hussie felt the need to point out Homestuck trivia yet again.

STAGE 2 ==> 81 "It didn't seem like Twain's style anyway." Rose immediately returned to serious mode. She was well-versed in most English and American authors, as would be expected from someone who was as intelligent and educated as she was.

"HOW CAN YOu MISATTRIBuTE A QuOTE."

"Hey, it's not like either Twain or Shakespeare is here to complain." Hussie kept the part where he would say that Shakespeare somehow was there to co-author "choose your own adventure" books with Ryan North to himself.

"alright, that'll be enough homestuck for now." Most of all, John really wanted to relax.

"Indeed, a break would be nice." Rose agreed.

"FINALLY." Caliborn sighed in relief.

"Then so it is. Give me some time to produce meals." Andrew headed out to his kitchen, glad that the reading of Homestuck continued and began reaching major points, though not in the ideal pace and not in the ideal composition.

Andrew Hussie certainly was very intent on getting the entire original group back, even if it was never a group that was actually featured in Homestuck. END OF STAGE 2

82 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One LOADING SCREEN 1 ==>

Chapter I.1. Judge Pyrope

-- canceroGeneticist [CG] began pestering gallicksCalibrator [GC] --

CG: TEREZI DO YOU READ ME CG: I HAVE IMPORTANT MATTERS TO DISCUSS. CG: AND IF YOU DO NOT ATTEND TO THEM IMMEDIATELY CG: YOU BET I'LL RIP YOUR TONGUE OFF SO YOU NEVER LICK STUFF AGAIN CG: AND PLACE THE TONGUE IN A HIGHLY SECURE MUSEUM OF FUCK YOU. GC: G33 K4RK4T 1 GET 1T GC: 3V3RY M4TT3R TH4T YOU W4NT TO D1SCUSS 1S 1MPORT4NT GC: N3XT T1M3 JUST L4Y 1T ON M3 GC: 1S N3P3T4 H1TT1NG ON YOU 4G41N >:? CG: THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE CAT GIRL. CG: I KNOW, SHE'S BEEN HITTING ON ME, ESPECIALLY LATELY SINCE SHE'S GOT ALL THESE GODAWFUL STORIES AND PICTURES OF US TOGETHER FROM FUCK KNOWS WHERE. CG: I MEAN SHE DIDN'T DRAW THEM, JUST AS SURELY AS WE ALL HAVE GRAY SKIN AND HORNS. CG: AND TO THINK SHE RECRUITED SOMEONE ELSE TO DRAW THEM IS EVEN MORE VOMIT-INDUCING. GC: W3LL H4V3NT YOU CONS1D3R3D TH3 F4CT TH4T M4YB3 YOU TWO LOOK CUT3 TOG3TH3R? CG: GOD FUCK CG: THE HUMAN NOTION OF "CUTE" IS THE LAST NOTION THAT I WOULD APPLY TO HER OR OUR RELATIONSHIP. CG: SHE IS CLINGY AND DESPERATE, MAYBE CG: BUT NOT IN A MILLION HUMAN SWEEPS CUTE. GC: DONT SHOOT H3R DOWN SO F4ST! GC: SH3 S33MS N1C3 TO M3 3V3RY T1M3 SH3 T4LKS TO M3 GC: BUT TH3N 4G41N 3V3RYON3 WOULD F33L GRUMPY WH1L3 T4LK1NG TO 4 RUD3 TROLL BOY L1K3 YOURS3LF! CG: ON THE CONTRARY, SHE WOULD BE RATHER AMAZED AT MY AWESOME LEADERSHIP SKILLS. CG: AND SHE ACTUALLY IS CG: BUT THEN SHE PROCEEDS TO COVER THE AMAZEMENT WITH ACTUAL FLUSHED ROMANTIC HITTING. CG: LIKE SERIOUSLY???? CG: THAT'S NOT HOW A LEADER WORKS AT ALL! CG: AN AMAZING LEADER DOESN'T JUST FALL IN LOVE WITH ANY RANDOM CHICK WHO ADORES HIM. CG: OR ELSE HE WOULDN'T BE AN AMAZING LEADER BUT A RATHER AWFUL ROMANTIC WRECKBALL. GC: Y3S TH3R3 1S NO DOUBT TH4T YOU W3R3 ONC3 OUR 4M4Z1NG L34D3R GC: BUT H4V3 YOU FORGOTT3N TH4T TH4T T1M3 1S LONG P4ST? CG: YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT I CAN STATE THAT THIS IS THE EIGHTH HUMAN ANNIVERSARY OF US STEPPING ON THIS FILTH OF A PLANET THAT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE ANY AWESOME CONSORTS OR ANYTHING.

LOADING SCREEN 1 ==> 83 CG: THAT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT I'M SUPPOSED TO GET US ALL TO SOMEHOW WORK TOGETHER OUR NEXT GOAL. CG: MAYBE IT IS ESCAPING IN ONE OF THOSE SPACESHIPS THAT THE HUMANS BUILT CG: I HAVEN'T DECIDED YET. GC: SO 4R3 YOU T3LL1NG M3 TH4T YOU 4R3 D3C1D1NG SUCH STUFF? GC: SORRY M1ST3R BUT TH4TS NOT HOW 4DV3NTUR3S WORK 4T 4LL GC: 4DV3NTUR3S 4R3 4LW4YS L41D ON YOU BY SOM3 3XT3RN4L FORC3 CG: WELL, THEY WERE BECAUSE WE WERE PLAYING A GAME LAID ONTO US IN AN ANCIENT TEMPLE. CG: BUT HASN'T IT EVER CROSSED YOUR MIND THAT ARADIA SOMEHOW DISCOVERED THAT TEMPLE VIA AN ADVENTURE THAT SHE IMPOSED ONTO HERSELF???? CG: AND BESIDES, I ALREADY MENTIONED THAT THESE ARE NOT THE IMPORTANT MATTERS A FEW CONVERSATIONAL CYCLES AGO. CG: BUT THEN YOU HAD TO PROCEED TO DISTRACT ME WITH YOUR SHIPPING BULLSHIT. CG: SO CONGRATULATIONS. CG: YOU JUST MADE ME GIVE ONE LESS FUCK ABOUT YOU. CG: TRULY, I BE PASSING OUT FUCKS LIKE HUMAN CHEAP SMOKE TUBES. GC: WH4T 4R3 TH3 1MPORT4NT M4TT3RS TH3N? GC: *JUDG3 PYROP3 QU13TLY W41TS FOR TH3 4NSW3R!* GC: *SH3 WONT M4K3 TH3 S4M3 M1ST4K3 OF T4LK1NG OV3R H3R W1TN3SS 4ND G3TT1NG NOWH3R3 CLOS3 TO TH3 R34L M4TT3R 4G41N* GC: *SH3 PROM1S3S BY PL4C1NG H3R H4ND ON TH3 HUM4N B1BL3* CG: STOP ROLEPLAYING CG: AND THE HUMAN BIBLE IS A HUGE SCAM AND WE BOTH KNOW IT. CG: IT'S JUST THAT IT'S SOMEHOW WORKED ITS WAY INTO THE CASUAL *AND* THE FORMAL SPEECH OF HUMANS ALL AROUND THEIR DIRT SNOWGLOBE. GC: *JUDG3 PYROP3 R3M1NDS W1TN3SS V4NT4S TH4T H3 1S FORG3TT1NG TH3 M4TT3R 4T H4ND WH1CH H3 PROPOS3D TO T3LL TO B3G1N W1TH >:/* CG: SORRY ALRIGHT. CG: WITNESS VANTAS, WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT MEANS, BEGINS PRESENTING HIS HUMAN EVIDENCE OR WHATEVER, THOUGH STILL IN A DRAWN-OUT MANNER, SO THE SETTING IS ESTABLISHED. CG: YOU KNOW HOW WE COULD NEVER QUITE GET TO OUR REAL TROLLTAGS EVER SINCE WE LANDED ON THIS SHITSTAIN OF A PLANET? GC: *JUDG3 PYROP3 R3M3MB3RS 3V3RYTH1NG 4BOUT TH3 3V3NT 4ND FURTH3R H4PP3NST4NC3S TH4T FOLLOW3D 4FT3R 1T!* GC: *SH3 R3M3MB3RS B31NG TR4NSPORT3D H3R3 4FT3R SUCC3SSFULLY COMPL3T1NG TH3 S3SS1ON OF 4 G4M3 C4LL3D SGRUB WH1CH SH3 PL4Y3D W1TH W1TN3SS V4NT4S 4ND T3N OTH3R P3OPL3 OF H3R K1ND* CG: WELL, THAT IS BESIDE THE POINT. GC: *TH3 S3SS1ON F4C3D V4R1OUS H4RDSH1PS, SOM3T1M3S FROM TH3 G4M3S S1D3, SOM3T1M3S FROM OUR R3L4T1ONSH1PS S1D3* GC: *BUT T34M 4DOR4BLOODTH1RSTY 4S W3 C4LL3D TH3MS3LV3S W4S 4BL3 TO OV3RCOM3 TH3M 4ND CR34T3 TH3 UN1V3RS3 1N WH1CH W3 CURR3NTLY R3S1D3!* GC: *THOUGH 1TS K1ND OF D1S4PPO1NT1NG TH4T W3 W3R3 4SS1GN3D TH3 P3D3STR14N ROL3 OF H4V1NG TO L1V3 W1TH OTH3R HUM4NS* CG: DON'T CG: DON'T RECITE ANYTHING IN THIS FAUX ROLEPLAY STYLE CHAT. CG: OR I'M GOING TO DO IT. CG: YOU THINK I'M JOKING AND ALL BUT I'M REALLY GOING TO DO IT. CG: BETTER BE PREPARED TO SAY GOODBYE TO ANY SORT OF TASTE FOREVER! GC: *JUDG3 PYROP3 W4SNT SP34K1NG 4ND 1S WOND3R1NG WHO W1TN3SS V4NT4S 1S T4LK1NG TO >:?*

84 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One CG: NO ONE IS THE FACT. CG: WE BOTH KNOW THAT WE AREN'T TALKING, MUCH LESS IN THE HUMAN/TROLL SHARED JUDICIAL SYSTEM. CG: ANYWAY CG: THE IMPORTANT MATTER IS CG: I TRIED TO HUMAN GOOGLE MY OWN NAME AND SOMEHOW CAME ACROSS THIS... CG: THIS... CG: WORDS CANNOT BEGIN TO DESCRIBE IT. CG: HERE, TAKE A LOOK YOURSELF VIA THIS INTERNET LINK. CG: http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=003892 GC: *JUDG3 PYROP3 3X4M1N3S TH3 3V1D3NC3 C4R3FULLY* GC: *3V3N THOUGH SH3 1S SUPPOS3D TO T4K3 H3R JOB S3R1OUSLY SH3 C4NT H3LP BUT SM1L3 4T TH3 4DOR4BL3 D3P1CT1ON OF W1TN3SS V4NT4S!* GC: *THOUGH TH3 SYMBOL1SM TH4T SURROUNDS TH3 SC3N3 SURP4SS3S H3R 4ND SH3 MUST 1NQU1R3* GC: *JUDG3 PYROP3 4SKS* WH4T DO3S TH1S M34N? CG: ADORABLE??? CG: THAT'S IT FUCK YOU I'M TELLING VRISKA THEN CG: SINCE I CANNOT EVEN BEGIN DISCUSSING SERIOUS MATTERS WHEN YOU'RE OFF THE DEEP END IN WHATEVER CRANNY OF THE WORLD YOU'RE STUCK IN. CG: MAYBE SHE WILL TAKE IT MORE SERIOUSLY. CG: A BIG RESOUNDING MAYBE, BUT IT'LL BE WORTH THE TRY. CG: AND REMEMBER TO MAIL YOUR DISEMBOWELED LICKING APPARATUS TO ME IN THE NEAR FUTURE JUST SO YOU REMEMBER THIS DISGUSTING CONVERSATION FOREVER AND EVER. CG: WITNESS VANTAS FUCKS THE FUCK OFF.

-- canceroGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering gallicksCalibrator [GC] --

Fucks the fuck off? The alien sitting at his computer in Boston – his name was indeed Karkat Vantas, as he had told his friend – needed to think his tirades over more.

Though, he decided that this was definitely for a later time. He sighed and, discarding the fact, selected the next username in the wide list. He had a lot more friends than John, and that was a sure fact.

LOADING SCREEN 1 ==> 85 Chapter I.2. Marquise Mindfang

-- canceroGeneticist [CG] began pestering arachnidGrips [AG] --

CG: VRISKA ARE YOU THERE CG: THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ALL THE FUCKS THAT OUR TWO UNIVERSES CAN CONTAIN. AG: Isn't it our amazing leader Karkat! AG: As serious a8out the supposed hierarchy as when we claimed the reward! AG: Truly a respecta8le figure to look up to. CG: YES, INDEED. CG: APPRAISALS ARE IN ORDER. CG: EXCEPT YOU HAVE TO BE MUCH HIGHER IN THE HIERARCHY OF THE FLARPING THING CG: SO IT'S NOT LIKE YOU EVEN GIVE A FUCK OR ANYTHING. CG: YOU'RE JUST TELLING THIS TO MESS WITH ME. AG: Haven't you ever considered the fact that may8e now we're supposed to live in friendship, as the humans do? AG: And only then we'll 8e granted powers that help us seize the control of their planet as gods? CG: VRISKA, FOR THE LAST TIME, WE ARE NOT BECOMING GODS IN A MILLION HUMAN SWEEPS. CG: SURELY, THE HUMANS WORSHIP IMAGES OF OUR DESIGNATED SIGILS IN FORM OF WHAT THEY CALL "THE ZODIAC" CG: AND YOU CAN BRING THIS UP TO ME FOREVER AND EVER BUT THAT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT THIS IS IT. CG: THE TRUE GAME OVER *WAS* INDEED EIGHT HUMAN SWEEPS AGO. CG: EXACTLY EIGHT HUMAN SWEEPS AGO, AS I MADE NOTE OF THE DATE, APRIL 13TH, 2009, VERY CLEARLY, AS SOON AS I LANDED ON THIS DIRTBALL. CG: AND MY BACKWARDS ELECTRONIC DEVICE IS CLAIMING TODAY IS APRIL 13TH, 2017. CG: TWO THOUSAND SEVENTEEN MINUS TWO THOUSAND NINE IS EIGHT. CG: SO VOILA. CG: NOW BOW DOWN BEFORE MY AMAZING MATHEMATICAL SKILLS AND LIVE YOUR LIFE KNOWING THAT YOU WILL NEVER BE AS GOOD AT NUMBERS AS ME. AG: Why don't we cele8r8 with a 8irthday party then???????? AG: It'll help us 8ond together over the common fortune even more!!!!!!!! CG: YES, BUT WE'RE SCATTERED ACROSS THE GLOBE AND STRUGGLING TO LIVE OUR LIVES. CG: WE CAN'T JUST ORDER A WHOLE BUNCH OF FLIGHTS AND SUDDENLY BE TOGETHER, AT ONE PLACE. AG: Why not, though???????? CG: TO BEGIN WITH, PLANE FLIGHTS ARE EXPENSIVE CG: *AND* HARD TO SCHEDULE CG: *AND* WE ARE KIND OF BOUND BY THE HUMAN DORMITORIES PROVIDED TO US BY OUR PLACES OF EDUCATION. CG: AS WELL AS OUR ABILITY TO STEAL THE HUMAN LIQUID CONCEPT OF MONEY FROM OTHERS WITHOUT *REALLY* STEALING IT. CG: BY PRODUCING A WORKFORCE. CG: IT'S A COMPLICATED MATTER AND IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL,

86 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One UNLIKE THE TROLL CONCEPT OF THE HEMOSPECTRUM AND THE AFFILIATIONS THAT COME WITH IT. AG: Come on, Karkat. AG: We all know you'd 8e killed in an instant if you were thrown onto the wide Alternia! CG: WHAT MAKES YOU SO SURE I WOULD???? CG: AND THAT IS BESIDES THE POINT. CG: I DON'T CELEBRATE HUMAN ANNIVERSARIES AND YOU KNOW IT. AG: Only 8ecause you don't know when your human 8irthday is. :::;) CG: WELL, I DO KNOW WHEN MY TROLL WRIGGLING DAY IS CG: THE 12TH BILUNAR PERIGEE OF THE 6TH DARK SEASON'S EQUINOX CG: BUT YEAH, YOU CAN'T JUST TAKE THAT AND SOMEHOW CONVERT IT INTO A HUMAN UNDERSTANDABLE DATE. CG: WHAT WAS THEIR 6TH MONTH AGAIN? CG: JUDE OR SOMETHING? AG: June. AG: Glad to help you out. CG: NO ONE CARES AG: You're missing the o8vious fact that a lot of humans care! AG: One twelfth of them has their human 8irthdays in June, you know? CG: GOOD FOR THEM CG: BUT OUT OF US TWELVE, NO ONE CARES. CG: WELL, *MAYBE* THERE IS THE FACT THAT MOST OF THOSE HUMAN EDUCATION CYCLES END ON JUDE CG: AND THAT MEANS THAT ONCE JUDE IS OVER WE WILL ALL HAVE MORE FREE TIME CG: BUT THAT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT THE MONTH COULD ALSO SIMPLY HAVE A NUMBER. AG: You seem very intent on misspelling June as "Jude"...... CG: WELL MAYBE I LIKE THE IDEA OF PARODYING THE HUMAN MONTH NAMES BECAUSE THEY ARE STUPID AND DON'T MEAN ANYTHING. CG: AS DOES THE EDUCATION SYSTEM THAT I JUST TALKED ABOUT. AG: Marquise Mindfang was very educ8d, as a matter of fact. :::;) CG: NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOUR FICTIONAL IDOL CG: WE GET IT, YOU WANT TO BE SO MUCH LIKE HER THAT OCCASIONALLY YOU EVEN BORROW HER NAME. CG: BUT YOU SEE, WANNABE MINDFANG, THERE ARE A FEW POINTS MISSING IN YOUR AMAZING STORY ABOUT YOUR SUPPOSED ANCESTOR CG: AND THE ANCESTORS OF EVERYONE ELSE THAT I'VE TALKED TO. CG: YOU KNOW, REDGLARE, DUALSCAR, SHIT LIKE THAT. CG: ALL I'M ASKING IS CG: WHERE'S MY ANCESTOR AT? CG: I REST MY CASE. AG: Did Terezi never tell you? AG: Your ancestor was a religious figure that was worshipped 8y Redglare and a few others! CG: OH CG: ********OH******** CG: THAT BULLSHIT. CG: I AM NOT A RELIGIOUS FIGURE AND HAVE NO INTENTION OF BEING ONE. CG: I COULD MAYBE SEE MYSELF AS THE HUMAN NAPOLEON OR THE HUMAN BILL GATES, BUT DEFINITELY NOT THE HUMAN JESUS. CG: AT ANY RATE, THIS IS NOT THE IMPORTANT THING. CG: THE IMPORTANT THING IS CG: I WANT YOU TO READ THIS INTERNET WEBSITE AND WEEP FOR YOUR LIVE EVER

LOADING SCREEN 1 ==> 87 SINCE THE MOMENT YOU READ IT. AG: Internet we8site? AG: Isn't the Internet already the we8? CG: SHUT UP AND READ. CG: http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=003892 AG: Why couldn't you have drawn arms for yourself? AG: Every decent depiction of a troll on a graphic medium requires arms and we 8oth know it! CG: HUMAN JESUS CHRIST VRISKA CG: I DIDN'T DRAW THIS THING. IT WAS DRAWN AND WRITTEN A LONG TIME AGO ON THIS PLANET, APPARENTLY, ALONG WITH THE THOUSANDS OF PANELS AND DIALOGUES THAT FOLLOW IT CG: AND HAS SPAWNED A HUGE FOLLOWING EVER SINCE. CG: AND THAT'S WHY WE COULD NEVER TRULY BE AT OUR OWN PLACES SINCE THE MOMENT WE SET FOOT ON THIS SPHERE FULL OF IDIOTS THAT DARES CALL ITSELF EARTH. AG: No fucking way!!!!!!!! AG: What kind of malicious pest would want to hog our identities this rudely???????? CG: WELL THE MATTER OF FACT IS CG: FUCK IT I'M TELLING KANAYA THEN. CG: BECAUSE APPARENTLY YOU ARE ONLY JUDGING THIS THING BY THE CONCEPTS OF HUMAN ART, RATHER THAN THE GLARINGLY OBVIOUS FACT THAT *BOTH OF US AND OUR TEN FRIENDS ARE IN THIS THING* CG: AND PERHAPS KANAYA, AS THE ONE WHO ALWAYS KNOWS WHAT IS HUMAN UP, WILL HELP YOU AND SMACK SOME SENSE INTO YOU BETTER. CG: UGH, OF ALL THE TROLLS ON ALTERNIA THAT COULD HAVE FOLLOWED ME HERE, WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE YOU ELEVEN? CG: HUMAN BE RIGHT BACK. AG: Will 8e human w8ing. :::;)

-- canceroGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering arachnidGrips [AG] --

Oh, for fuck's sake... Karkat paused after messaging Vriska, looking for a piece of paper and something to write on. Given that he was in the human education system, these two were easy to come across, and Karkat wrote a little note:

1. TEREZI 2. VRISKA 3. KANAYA

He needed to keep track of his friends like that, so he would know who is still left behind and when to stop, since he would end up having messaged all eleven of his friends.

However, since he hadn't done that yet, he needed to get on with it. He clicked on Kanaya's nickname and began typing.

88 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One Chapter I.3. Trollsonas

-- canceroGeneticist [CG] began pestering grimmeAuxiliary [GA] –-

CG: KANAYA COME HERE CG: OR ELSE I'LL TEAR THE DRESS YOU ARE WEARING STRAIGHT OFF YOUR BODY AND WRITE INSULTS ON THE INSIDE OF THE FABRIC. GA: No Need For The Threats Karkat GA: There Is No Way You Will Be Able To Proceed To Have Reasonable Relations To Humans With Your Current Attitude CG: YEAH, AND WHENEVER SOMEONE TRIES TO TYPE LIKE YOU ON THE INTERNET FORUMS, THEY IMMEDIATELY GET CALLED A MORON. GA: I Am Not A Moron Though CG: WELL, HUMAN YOU WOULD BE, APPARENTLY. GA: What Is Your Inquiry Anyway GA: Is It The Eighth Human Year Anniversary Of The Day We Gracefully Took Our First Steps On The Emerald Sapphire Cotton Gem With The Wonderful Name Of Earth GA: I Even Baked A Human Cake For The Occasion GA: Here It Is CG: NO, AND I'M PRETTY SURE THAT YOU'RE PERFECTLY AWARE I DON'T CELEBRATE HUMAN ANNIVERSARIES. CG: HUMANS JUST CAN KEEP THEM FOR THEMSELVES. GA: All The Cake Is Belong To Me I Suppose Then CG: KANAYA NO CG: I NEED YOU TO THINK OVER THE STUPID THING THAT YOU JUST SAID. CG: LIKE, REALLY CLEAR THE DUST THAT GATHERED OVER YOUR THINK PAN OVER THE SWEEPS CG: AND THEN TELL ME WHAT YOU JUST WROTE. GA: Its A Simple Commemoration Of A Phrase That Huamns On The Internet Used To Say A Lot GA: Otherwise Known As A "Meme" CG: IT'S ONE OF THE MOST AWFUL WAYS IN WHICH MISINFORMATION ABOUT GRAMMAR CAN SPREAD, THAT'S WHAT IT IS. CG: IF I EVER GAIN CONTROL OVER THE HUMANS, WHICH I HIGHLY DOUBT I WILL, I WILL MAKE SURE TO ERADICATE ALL THE "MEMES" WITHOUT A TRACE. CG: PERHAPS I AM GETTING AHEAD OF MYSELF. CG: BUT THAT'S WHAT I WOULD DEFINITELY DO. CG: AND YOU'D BETTER FEEL GRATEFUL OVER MY GROUNDBREAKING MOVE AS THE HYPOTHETICAL AMAZING LEADER OF THIS PLANET. GA: You Are Indeed The Amazing Leader GA: Or Were Once While We Were Still Up To Our Necks In Sgrub GA: But Your Main Issue Is That You Are Still Unwilling To Ever Sympathize With The Humans GA: And That Is Why You Are Always Rejected From The Conventional Groups Of The Human Social Order GA: Has This Statement Never Crossed Your Mind CG: WHY WOULD ANYONE OF US WANT TO DO ANYTHING WITH HUMANS ANYWAY??? GA: Maybe Because We Need To Do That In Order To Survive CG: FUCK NO. CG: I CAN SURVIVE IN THE WILDERNESS ALL I WANT.

LOADING SCREEN 1 ==> 89 CG: ALL I REALLY NEED FROM THE HUMANS IS THEIR BACKWARDS TECHNOLOGY. CG: SERIOUSLY? NO INFORMATIONAL TIME TRAVEL YET? CG: TALK ABOUT STEPPING SEVERAL HUMAN CENTURIES BACKWARDS. CG: I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN PREDICTING WHEN IN THEIR MISERABLE DEVELOPMENT THE HUMANS WILL REACH OUR PRE-APOCALYPTIC LEVELS OF TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCE. GA: Never Is The Answer GA: If Only Because The Humans Are Lacking In Psychic Powers That Most Of Our Higher Castes Are Bestowed With CG: WELL, THANK YOU FOR THE ANSWER. CG: THAT MEANS THAT IN MY AGENDA TO REFORM THE EARTH, I MUST IN SOME WAY ESTABLISH A PLAN TO EITHER A) GET RID OF THE HUMANS ALTOGETHER OR B) REPLACE THEM WITH THEIR CORRESPONDING TROLLS. GA: Trollsonas You Mean CG: WHAT ON ALTERNIA IS A TROLLSONA. GA: During Her Travels To Distant Planets Her Imperious Condescension Noticed Several Individuals Of Alien Races Who Were Willingly Pretending To Be Trolls GA: Needless To Say As Traitors To Their Own Land And Unreliable Agents To The Condesce They Were Culled Immediately Once Their Identities Were Exposed GA: I Know Because It Was One Of The Several Major Plot Points Of A Rainbow Drinker Novel That I Read CG: WELL, THE CONDESCE CAN JUST DO WHATEVER THE FUCK SHE WANTS ON THE RUINS OF HER EMPIRE. CG: THIS DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT, IN FACT, I AM THE SOLE WRITER OF MY OWN STORY OF MY OWN PERFECT EARTH. CG: OR SHOULD I CALL IT ALTERNIA V2? CG: I HAVEN'T DECIDED ON THE FULL EXTENT TO WHICH I SHOULD EMULATE THE FORMER RULING STRUCTURE OF ALTERNIA, GIVEN THAT IT HAD VERY MANY FLAWS. GA: Such As Dealing With The Mutants CG: YEAH. CG: I ALREADY NOTICED THAT THE HUMANS ARE GOING TO EXTREME MEASURES TO HELP THEIR DISABLED COUNTERPARTS. CG: WHEELCHAIRS TO HELP THE PARAPLEGICS, DOGS AND WALKING CANES TO HELP THE BLIND, HEARING APPARATUSES TO HELP THE DEAF, AND THE LIST GOES ON AND ON AND ON. CG: THIS IS SERIOUSLY ONE OF THE RARE ASPECTS IN WHICH THE HUMANS MIGHT ACTUALLY BE BETTER AT RUNNING A SOCIETY THAN THE TROLLS. GA: Its Nice That You Are Seeing The Bright Sides Of The Humans And Are Willing To Integrate The Best Of The Humans And The Trolls Into A Better Society For Us All CG: YES, I GET IT. CG: ALRIGHT, YOU TALKED ABOUT OTHER THINGS WITH ME HOLDING ME BY MY TONGUE FOR LONG ENOUGH CG: SO HERE'S THE IMPORTANT STUFF. CG: I FOUND THIS COMIC, THAT APPEARS TO... CG: JUST CHECK IT OUT YOURSELF. CG: http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=003892 GA: The Depiction Of You Is Rather Accurate If Strange GA: And Your Wriggling Day Is Correctly Stated GA: But I Have No Idea Why Your Name Is Omitted CG: IT IS OMITTED BECAUSE THE MORON VISIONARY BEHIND THIS DIDN'T FEEL LIKE GIVING ALL THE INTEL ABOUT US ON A SINGLE PAGE CG: SO THEY SIMPLY SPREAD IT OUT OVER THOUSANDS OF PAGES.

90 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One GA: Thousands GA: I Highly Doubt That Our Adventures Were That Interesting To Write About In Such A Detailed Manner GA: Let Alone By A Species That Was Completely Unaware Of Us Besides Indirect Influence Up Until The Fateful Day Of April 13th 2009 CG: WELL CG: PERHAPS THE CAT WAS EVENTUALLY LET OUT OF THE BAG. CG: WHO EVEN KNOWS AT THIS POINT? CG: THE HUMANS ARE OUR CREATION, AFTER ALL. GA: Perhaps The Humans Are Intent On Respecting The Fact That They Are Supposed To Create Just As We Were And Provided Us With The Internet Comic CG: WELL CG: ...... CG: ALRIGHT WE'RE DONE HERE. CG: SEEING AS YOU WILL ONLY COMMENT ON THE ADVENTURE ITSELF, RATHER THAN THE DIRENESS OF THE SITUATION. CG: YOU CAN READ THE "HIVEBENT" THING YOURSELF AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT IT. CG: IN THE MEANTIME I'M GOING TO TELL SOLLUX. CG: HE'S A TRUE FRIEND, UNLIKE ANY OF YOU GIRLS, WHO ARE MORE INTENT ON FILLING QUADRANTS WITH ME THAN THE BOYS, EVEN WHEN THE PRESSURE FROM THE IMPERIAL DRONES WAS FINALLY RELEASED. CG: IT'S ALMOST AS IF YOU ARE MUCH MORE INTERESTED IN THE HUMAN CONCEPT OF PROCREATION, EVEN THOUGH YOU ALL KNOW PERFECTLY WELL THAT WE ARE INCAPABLE OF SUCH FRIVOLOUS ACTIVITIES. CG: AND NOT TO MENTION EVEN IF WE WERE SOMEHOW ABLE TO PRODUCE GRUBS SIMPLY BY OUR OWN ACTIONS, IT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT TROLL GRUBS ARE DISGUSTING. CG: I COULD TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT NEXT TIME IF YOU ARE SO INTENT ON KNOWING. CG: LATER, KANAYA. GA: I Will Be Sure To Note Any And All Observations On The "Hivebent" Thing While I Read It In That Case GA: Until Then Later I Suppose CG: HERE GOES.

-- canceroGeneticist [CG] began pestering grimmeAuxiliary [GA] –-

4. SOLLUX, Karkat scribbled very quickly and went onto the next "chum" in his "chumroll", whatever those disgusting human terms meant.

He swore that if – and that went with a very strong if – he ever got a hold of the Earth, he would create a unified language employing both human and troll terms.

LOADING SCREEN 1 ==> 91 Chapter I.4. OB

-- canceroGeneticist [CG] began pestering twiinArmageddons [TA] --

CG: SOLLUX RESPOND PRONTO CG: I ALREADY CURSED EVERYONE I WILL EVER MEET ONCE BUT IF YOU DO NOT COME OVER I WILL DO IT AGAIN. TA: holy 2hiit KK what. CG: IN FACT, THE CURSE IS HAPPENING RIGHT THE FUCK NOW, AS I AM WRITING, AND AS YOU ARE READING. CG: I, YOU AND OUR FRIENDS APPARENTLY HAVE BEEN FOREVER CONDEMNED TO LIVE THE REST OF OUR LIVES IN TWO DIMENSIONS IN THE REALM THAT YOU MIGHT BE AWARE OF AS THE INTERNET. TA: they're not goddamn friiend2 KK. TA: they're only a2 much friiend2 a2 you want them two be, and frankly 2eeiing your attiitude a2 of riight now the only po22iible conclu2iion ii2 that you don't. TA: ergo they're not friiend2. TA: owned biitch. CG: WE'RE ACTUALLY NOT FRIENDS, THOUGH. CG: I'M ONLY USING THE HUMAN TERM IRONICALLY, SINCE WE HUNG OUT FOR THE EIGHT HUMAN SWEEPS LIKE A PARADE OF ASSHOLES. CG: THIS DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT I HATE ALL OF YOU WITH THE BURNING PASSION OF ALL THE STARS IN BOTH OUR UNIVERSES. CG: WELL, MAYBE SOME OF YOU MIGHT HAVE ACTUAL BENEVOLENT, PALE OR EVEN FLUSHED RELATIONSHIPS AMONG THEMSELVES CG: BUT TO ME YOU'RE JUST SHITSTAINS WAITING TO BE CLEANED OFF MY ASS AS I TAKE A DUMP. CG: READY TO BE UNCEREMONIOUSLY ESCORTED THROUGH THE HUMAN PLUMBING SYSTEM, STARTING FROM MY HUMAN LOAD GAPER AND ENDING WITH THE OCEAN CG: WHERE YOU DETERIORATE INTO NOTHING. TA: holy 2hiit KK TA: you really had all thii2 tiime two work on your cur2e2 and the effort2 have fiinally paiid off. TA: congratulatiion2 are iin order. CG: CONGRATULATIONS GRATUITOUSLY ACCEPTED. CG: I TAKE MY TROPHY, BOWING DOWN TO YOU, AND LEAVE THE STAGE, PREPARING FOR AN EVEN GREATER TIRADE. CG: ONE THAT YOU MIGHT RECOGNIZE AS "POLITICAL" CG: WHICH MEANS THAT NOW I AM ACTUALLY DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT KEEPING SHIT STRAIGHT AS I AM APPLYING FOR THE JOB OF LORD OF A SUBSET OF HUMANS. CG: WHICH IS APPARENTLY SOMETHING YOU CAN DO ON EARTH. CG: I PREPARE BEGRUDGINGLY, RESEARCHING ALL THE PROBLEMS THAT THE HUMANS I AM AIMING TO LORD OVER AND THEIR POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS. CG: I COMPOSE THOSE SOLUTIONS INTO A GREATER PLAN, SOMETIMES TAKING INSPIRATION FROM MY OWN CULTURE. CG: THE SPEECH IS GOING TO BE REALLY BIG AND REALLY HARD TO MEMORIZE, BUT AT ALL TIMES I BELIEVE IN MYSELF. CG: I CAN DO IT. CG: AND I WILL DO IT. CG: YOU WILL BOW DOWN BEFORE ME NOT AS THOSE WHO LIKE MY WORK, BUT AS

92 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One THOSE WHO I AM ACTUALLY LORDING OVER. CG: AND YOU WILL FOREVER BE WELCOME. CG: UNGRATEFUL PIECES OF SHIT IN THE HUMAN ASSHOLE THAT IS APPARENTLY CALLED "BOSTON". TA: non2en2e. TA: you are not lordiing over anyone iin due tiime. TA: no one ii2 goiing two take you 2eriiou2ly iin any conceivable tiimeframe. TA: liike 2eriiou2ly man, human2 are really 2electiive when iit come2 two choo2iing theiir leader2. TA: ju2t looked iintwo ameriican hii2tory, and apparently OB had two break a lot of 2hell2 ju2t becau2e he wa2 a human from a completely diifferent place and a member of a diifferent race. TA: becau2e member2 of hii2 race were regarded a2 2lave2 and 2old two other2. TA: and iit took over one hundred human 2weep2 for thiing2 two change 2o much that people were actually wiilliing two have a "human black" guy rule over them. TA: and the 2ame goe2 two you, KK. TA: you wiill have two waiit 2ome hundred2 of human 2weep2 before anyone of your kiind begiin2 ruliing over human2. TA: not two mentiion that you wiill probably not liive for that long, 2eeiing a2 you are of the lowe2t ca2te. TA: e2tiimate2 put your liifetiime at around 35 troll 2weep2, whiich tran2late2 two 75 human 2weep2. TA: whiich ii paiin2takiingly counted my2elf. TA: well, tho2e are actually e2tiimate2 for ru2tblood2 TA: there wa2 no riigorou2 re2earch conducted on mutant2 but ii don't expect mutant liifetiime2 two be much longer. TA: iif anythiing they can only be 2horter. TA: 2o, 2o two 2ay, human 2uck iit. CG: WOAH WOAH WOAH SOLLUX CG: I THINK THAT YOU'RE TAKING THE MATTERS A BIT TOO SERIOUSLY, DON'T YOU THINK? CG: I HAVE NO ACTUAL INTENTION OF LORDING OVER HUMANS. CG: IT'S SIMPLY ONE OF THE MANY PLACES I COULD POTENTIALLY GO, EVER SINCE I LANDED ON THIS FUCKBALL. CG: MAYBE I'LL CONSIDER RULING IT CG: MAYBE I'LL CONSIDER BLOWING IT UP AND RULING ANOTHER ONE CG: IT'S UP TO ME. CG: AND SINCE I AM YOUR AMAZING LEADER YOU WILL SUBMIT TO WHATEVER PLAN I CONJURE. TA: ii thought that after "eiight human 2weep2" you mu2t've 2urely come up wiith a plan? CG: THESE THINGS TAKE TIME. CG: RESEARCHING HUMANS, AND AT THE SAME TIME TRYING TO MAKE A LIVING AMONG THEM. CG: SHIT ISN'T LAID DOWN ON ME IN A GUIDEBOOK FOR SGRUB. CG: SHIT IN FACT TAKES CG: ANYWAY YOU GOT ME SPEAKING FOR WAY TOO LONG. CG: ABOUT THE CURSE CG: HERE IS THE DOCUMENTATION OF THE CURSE, AVAILABLE AS A COMIC ON THE HUMAN INVENTION CALLED THE INTERNET. CG: http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=003892

LOADING SCREEN 1 ==> 93 TA: tell me, oh dear kk, what ii2 goiing on here? TA: why are you back at your alterniian hiive and why don't you have any arm2? TA: ii2 thii2 2ome 2ort of twii2ted fanta2y that you have? CG: FOR THE LAST TIME IT IS NOT MY FANTASY AND I AM NOT EVEN RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS THING. CG: SOMEONE NAMED ANDREW IS, APPARENTLY. CG: AND HE IS JUST PLAIN GIGGLING AT THE MISFORTUNES THAT I AND MY AMAZING TEAM THAT I COMPOSED TOGETHER HAD TO FACE. TA: bull2hiit. TA: you diidn't even have anythiing two do wiith makiing 2grub. TA: the crediit for that goe2 two me and AA. TA: and you weren't even 2uppo2ed two be the leader untiil you threw a tantrum agaiin2t TZ and iit turned out that the two team ru2e wa2 a dii2tractiion. CG: ALRIGHT THIS IS OVER CG: I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M RUNNING OUT OF TROLLS TO TALK TO SO FAST. CG: REMIND ME WHO YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS. TA: whiich one? CG: FUCKING CG: I APOLOGIZE, I FORGOT. CG: I DON'T KNOW, THE ONE WHO ISN'T DEAD. CG: THIS IS REGARDLESS, SINCE I WILL PROBABLY HIT UP THE OTHER ONE AS WELL. TA: oh, that would be FF. CG: THEN FEFERI IT IS. CG: I WONDER HOW SHE WILL REACT TO THE NEWS CG: TO BE HONEST I HAVEN'T TALKED TO HER THAT MUCH SO I HAVE NO IDEA HOW SHE ACTS CG: BUT HELL, SHE GOT DRAGGED INTO THIS THING WITH ME, SO TALKING TO HER WILL BE WORTHWHILE. CG: GOODBYE IN THAT CASE. CG: WE'LL CONTINUE THE DEBATE AT OTHER TIMES. CG: OH, AND DON'T FORGET TO LAY DOWN THE OPINION THAT YOU HAVE ON HIVEBENT ON ME. CG: PEACE OUT. TA: good riiddance.

-- canceroGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering twiinArmageddons [TA] --

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck I really am running out of trolls what do I do what do I do

5. FEFERI, Karkat quickly added to his list and went onto his next acquaintance.

Author's idiotisms: And thus, this fanfic became the longest one that I've written so far. Sorry, Spectators of the Host, ye hath been dethroned.

94 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One Chapter I.5. Eternal Futility

-- canceroGeneticist [CG] began pestering cuddlefishCuller [CC] –-

CG: FEFERI GET BACK TO ME THIS INSTANT CG: HONESTLY I HAVEN'T EVEN TALKED TO YOU THAT MUCH SINCE WE WON SGRUB, OR EVER REALLY CG: AND I APOLOGIZE FOR THAT CG: BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO ATTEND TO THIS IMPORTANT MATTER. CC: W)(oa, Crabcatc)(, slow down! CC: I am P-ERF-ECTLY willing to listen to you. CC: Glub glub! CG: NOT SURE WHAT THE GLUBS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING CG: BUT THEY'RE PROBABLY JUST THE PART OF YOUR BATSHIT INSANE HIGHBLOOD PERSONALITY SO WHATEVER. CG: AFTER ALL, THE MATTER THAT I HAVE WITH ME CONCERNS ALL TWELVE OF US, REALLY. CC: I am most definitely NOT "bats)(it insane"! CC: Just because of t)(e notoriety of )(er Imperious Condescension and a few of )(er subordinates you're already attributing certain personality traits to –EV-ERYON-E of my caste. CC: No fair! CG: THAT JUST REMINDED ME CG: SINCE YOU HAVE HAD AT LEAST SOME INTERPERSONAL CONTACT WITH THE CONDESCE, AS WELL AS INTEL ON HOW THE ALTERNIAN EMPIRE IS RULED CG: YOU SEE, I JUST HAD AN ARGUMENT WITH A FEW OF MY FRIENDS AND THAT GOT ME THINKING CG: WOULD THE WAY ALTERNIA USED TO BE RULED BE ACCEPTABLE FOR HUMANS ON EARTH? CG: AFTER ALL, I'M STILL TRYING MY BEST TO FIGURE OUT OUR PLACE ON EARTH, INCLUDING THE QUESTION OF WHETHER OR NOT WE SHOULD TRY AND TAKE OVER. CC: Not wit)(out a complete mentality c)(ange! CC: Frond w)(at I've seen, t)(e trolls and t)(e )(umans are just TOO different for anyfin to work wit)( bot)( species. CG: THAT DIDN'T CLARIFY ANYTHING. CG: IF ANYTHING, I ALREADY KNOW THAT HUMANS AND TROLLS ARE SO DIFFERENT THAT WE SIMPLY CANNOT LIVE TOGETHER. CC: I was only stating t)(e matter of fact! CC: You asked me to, and I was glad to tell you! 38) CG: NOPE CG: TAKE THAT AQUAPUNK SMILE SOMEWHERE ELSE. CG: GET IT OUT OF MY FACE RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. CC: I'm sorry I cannot! CC: It will now forever be present on t)(e face of our trolllog or w)(atever t)(ese t)(ings are called on t)(e –Eart)(. CG: THEN IN THAT CASE I SUPPOSE I HAVE TO STOP TALKING TO YOU CG: BUT NOT BEFORE TELLING THIS IMPORTANT MATTER. CC: Yes, I already know t)(at your matters are important! CG: YUP. CG: THEY ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYTHING, AND SO FAR THEY HAVE KEPT ME BUSY ALMOST ALL THE TIME.

LOADING SCREEN 1 ==> 95 CG: IT'S ALMOST AS IF CG: WILL YOU EXCUSE ME IF I QUOTE ONE OF MY FELLOW TROLLS? CC: Go a)(ead! CG: I HAVE ALL THE IRONS IN THE FIRE. CC: Yup, t)(e same Crabcatc)( t)(at stepped t)(roug)( t)(e door opened to )(im by t)(e game eig)(t )(uman sweeps ago. CC: Some t)(ings just N-EV-ER C)(ANG-E, I supoose! CG: *EXACTLY* EIGHT HUMAN SWEEPS AGO, AS A MATTER OF FACT. CG: AS SOME BRAINLESS TROLLS THAT I'VE ALREADY TALKED TO TODAY WERE WILLING TO STATE. CG: THOUGH, PAST KARKAT WAS ALSO ONE OF THOSE TROLLS, I SUPPOSE CG: SO REALLY WHATEVER. CC: T)(e memories are ALR-EADY creeping onto me! CC: )(ow you set up t)(e memos for t)(e first time, announcing to everyone t)(at you are now t)(e amazing leader of our team! CC: )(ow you were creeped out by a simple revival procedure that simply )(AD to be establis)(ed rig)(t t)(en and t)(ere... CG: WHOA WHOA WHOA CG: NO NEED TO RECITE EVERY LITTLE DETAIL. CG: I AM ALREADY PERFECTLY AWARE OF EVERY SINGLE MEMORY OF THE EVENTS THAT PAST KARKAT WENT THROUGH. CG: PAST KARKAT, THE ONE OF EIGHT HUMAN SWEEPS AGO, IS LITERALLY IMAGINING THAT HE IS THE LORD OF THE LAND, ALLOWING THE MEMORIES OF THE EVENTS THAT HE WENT THROUGH TO HAUNT ME EVERY LIVING DAY SINCE THE TIME HE STEPPED THROUGH THE GODDAMN DOOR. CG: LITTLE DOES HE KNOW THAT HE IS LITERALLY HAUNTING HIMSELF BY THE MEMORIES. CG: PAST KARKAT IS NOTHING IF NOT AN EXAMPLE OF ETERNAL FUTILITY. CC: You lost me t)(ere, frond! CC: To use one of your metap)(ors, t)(e confusion between Past and Present Cuttlecrab just ended up sinking my quiet boat in t)(e sea, and now I am LIT-ERALLY )(anging onto loose t)(reads! CC: So could you be a )(elpful captain and get me back to s)(ore? CG: ALL I'M SAYING IS I CANNOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY THINGS THAT PAST KARKAT DID. CG: EVEN IF SOME OF THEM WERE AWESOME THINGS, LIKE WINNING SGRUB, THAT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT I *STILL* HAVE TO LIVE UP TO MY NAME BY CONQUERING EARTH. CG: OR MAYBE ESCAPING EARTH. CG: YOUR CONCLUSIONS JUST MADE ME LEAN TOWARDS THE LATTER. CC: )(ow are you going to escape t)(e –Eart)(, t)(en? CG: A SPACESHIP CG: THE SPACE SHUTTLE CG: NO WAIT THE SPACE SHUTTLE IS NO LONGER A THING CG: WHATEVER I'LL HAVE TO RESEARCH THE MATTER MORE IN THAT CASE. CG: AND IN ANY CASE, YOU DISTRACTED ME FROM *THE POINT.* CC: T)(en could Present Crabfis)( get down to the point already? CG: ALRIGHT, PRESENT CRA- I MEAN KARKAT GETS DOWN TO THE POINT: CG: THERE IS THIS THING ON THE INTERNET THAT I WANT YOU TO READ. CG: http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=003892 CC: Isn't it t)(e cutest t)(ing t)(at )(as ever come out of t)(e –Eart)(? CC: Look at t)(is adorable young troll! CC: )(e is just SO MUC)( LIK-E YOU! CC: In fact, if I didn't know better, I'd probably guess t)(at )(e WAS

96 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One indeed you! CG: YES, HE IS INDEED A REPRESENTATION OF ME CG: HOLD ON THIS IS GOING TO BE ANOTHER ITERATION OF MY CONVERSATION WITH TEREZI. CG: I MEAN PAST KARKAT'S CONVERSATION WITH TEREZI CG: AT THIS POINT, REALLY WHAT THE HELL. CG: SHE CALLED THE REPRESENTATION ADORABLE AND THAT'S WHERE IT ENDED. CC: W)(y did it end, t)(oug)(? CG: BECAUSE MATTERS LIKE THIS NEED TO BE TAKEN AS STOICALLY AS POSSIBLE. CG: YOU WERE ATTENDING THE CLASS OF REACTING STOICALLY TO WHATEVER SHOCKING REVELATION I THROW CG: AND YOU JUST FAILED. CG: WHAT'S YOUR OTHER GIRLFRIEND AGAIN. CC: My ot)(er girlfrond? CC: Are you assuming I )(ave a girlfrond, let alone MOR-E T)(AN ON-E? CG: SHIT SHIT SHIT CG: I MEANT SOLLUX'S OTHER GIRLFRIEND. CG: HE JUST FELT THE NEED TO TELL ME THAT HE HAS TWO GIRLFRIENDS, *AGAIN*. CC: O)(, Aradia! CG: YES, ARADIA. CG: THE DEAD ONE. CG: OR, AS I SUPPOSE, THE HALF-DEAD, HALF-ALIVE ONE. CG: SHE'S APPARENTLY DEAD CG: AS IN, SHE HAS THOSE SPOOKY EYES OF HERS CG: MAN, I FORGET THESE THINGS ALREADY. CG: GUESS RESEARCHING HUMANS RUBS OFF. CG: IN THAT CASE, I WILL BE TALKING TO ARADIA. CG: SEE YOU AT OTHER TIMES. CC: S-EA YOU!

-- canceroGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering cuddlefishCuller [CC] –-

Yup, another disgrace to Alternia. What else is new?

6. ARADIA, Karkat added, this time making sure to "clam" down for once or however Feferi would put it, and went on with his roulette of conversations.

LOADING SCREEN 1 ==> 97 Chapter I.6. Deep History

-- canceroGeneticist [CG] began pestering apocalypseArising [AA] –-

CG: ARADIA WHAT IS UP CG: THOUGH, I'LL ADMIT, GIVEN YOUR CURRENT SITUATION, I'M NOT SURE IF ANYTHING CAN BE "UP" FOR YOU. AA: my current situati0n AA: im sure that theres n0thing wr0ng with my current situati0n t0 warrant a change in em0ti0nal reacti0ns 0ver things AA: what d0 y0u mean th0ugh CG: I MEAN THAT I HAVE NO IDEA IF YOU ARE ALIVE OR DEAD ANYMORE, AND I DIDN'T GATHER ENOUGH KARKAT/ARADIA CONVERSATIONS TO CLARIFY THE FACT. AA: 0h AA: well it appears that sgrub granted me an alive b0dy AA: like when i l00k int0 a mirr0r i see an aradia with pupils and all AA: but i d0nt feel alive and never did AA: 0nce dead always dead i supp0se CG: OH, SORRY THEN. CG: I NEED TO MARK THIS DOWN OR SOMETHING. CG: THIS WHOLE RIGMAROLE OF BUGGING EACH TROLL FROM MY FORMER TEAM IN A ROW REALLY REMINDS ME THAT I DO NOT KNOW A WHOLE LOT ABOUT YOU ANYMORE. CG: BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN DOING A MORE IMPORTANT THING AND THAT MORE IMPORTANT THING IS RESEARCHING HUMANS. AA: ah yes AA: the species that we created CG: YOU CAN KEEP THAT THINKING TO YOURSELF, BUT I PREFER THE THOUGHT THAT SGRUB CREATED THEM. CG: BECAUSE IF WE CREATED THEM, THEN WE WOULD HAVE AT LEAST SOME CONTROL OVER THEIR ASPECTS. CG: WHICH, AS IT HAS BECOME PAINFULLY CLEAR, WE DID NOT. CG: AND NOW, AS IT HAPPENS, WE ARE FORCED TO LIVE WITH A SPECIES WITH WHICH WE ARE NOT SUITED TO LIVE AT ALL. AA: this is 0nly a technicality th0ugh AA: the creati0n 0f the humans was a direct c0nsequence 0f 0ur acti0ns CG: AS I SAID, YOUR TRAIN OF THOUGHT IS YOURS. CG: BUT I AM WILLING TO DEFEND MY OPINION. AA: y0u remain a very str0ng leader even l0ng after the sgrub sessi0n AA: c0nstants and variables i supp0se CG: FUCK THAT NOISE. CG: THIS IS IMPLYING SOME ALTERNATE TIMELINE BULLSHIT. CG: AND I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU'RE ALL INTO ALTERNATE TIMELINE BULLSHIT, LITERALLY BEING MADE OF TIME CG: BUT HONESTLY I DON'T BELIEVE THAT ALTERNATE TIMELINES EXIST. CG: THEY'RE A FICTIONAL CONCEPT CREATED BY SGRUB BECAUSE OF ITS TIME TRAVEL ASPECT. CG: OTHERWISE THERE WOULD BE PLENTY OF ALTERNATE EARTHS THAT WE DID LAND ON, AS WELL AS PLENTY OF ALTERNATE EARTHS THAT WE DID NOT LAND ON. CG: AND I AM PRETTY SURE THAT WE ONLY EVER CREATED ONE EARTH. CG: THE ONE AND ONLY WRECKBALL THAT WE CURRENTLY RESIDE IN. AA: y0u seem rather quick t0 immediately dismiss the earth as an

98 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One irrelevant c0ncept AA: i pers0nally think that the earth is a rich planet with a deep history CG: FUCK THE MORE RECENT NOISE THAT YOU MADE AS WELL. CG: SURE, EVENTS IN THE PAST DIRECTLY LEAD TO CIRCUMSTANCES IN THE PRESENT CG: BUT SERIOUSLY, WHO EVEN CARES WHICH SPECIFIC DATE THE UNITED STATES DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE WAS SIGNED???? CG: ALL THAT IS RELEVANT NOW IS THAT THE UNITED STATES IS A THING. AA: and that 0n the anniversary 0f the signing pe0ple typically d0nt g0 t0 w0rk and tend t0 launch firew0rks CG: I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ANNIVERSARIES. CG: AND THAT IS SAYING PRETTY MUCH, SINCE APPARENTLY AN ANNIVERSARY THAT IS RELEVANT TO US IS HAPPENING *RIGHT THE FUCK NOW*. AA: why d0nt we c0me up with a celebration for the thirteenth 0f april CG: I HAVE NO COMMENT ON THE MATTER. CG: BUT PERHAPS YOU WOULD HAVE SOME LUCK TALKING TO KANAYA; SHE BAKED A HUMAN CAKE FOR THE OCCASION, APPARENTLY. CG: MAYBE YOU TWO CAN HAVE AN INTERNET PARTY OVER THE FACT. CG: JUST KEEP ME OUT OF IT IS ALL I'M SAYING. AA: it is y0ur anniversary as much as it is mine 0r kanayas AA: it is in fact y0ur anniversary m0re since y0ure 0ur great amazing leader CG: IT IS MY ANNIVERSARY ONLY AS MUCH AS I AM WILLING TO BELIEVE IN ANNIVERSARIES, WHICH I ALREADY CLARIFIED THAT I DON'T. CG: SURE, APRIL 13TH, 2009 WAS A SPECIAL DATE THAT WAS DEEPLY MARKED INTO OUR ALL'S... CG: "HISTORY" CG: BUT APRIL 13TH NOW IS PRECISELY THE SAME AS APRIL 13TH ONE HUMAN SWEEP AGO, OR TWO HUMAN SWEEPS AGO, OR A HUNDRED HUMAN SWEEPS AGO. CG: THAT IS TO SAY, WORTHLESS, BORING AND FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES JUST ANOTHER DAY. AA: this c0nversati0n d0esnt seem t0 have headed the way y0u wanted it t0 be headed CG: ALTERNATE TIMELINES AND "THE WAY I WANTED IT TO BE HEADED" ARE MEANINGLESS IF THERE'S ONLY ONE TIMELINE AND TIME TRAVEL IS NOT A THING. CG: NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, THOUGH, YEAH CG: I WAS GOING TO MENTION THIS THING UP FRONT, BUT INSTEAD WE GOT DISTRACTED. CG: AS I GOT DISTRACTED WITH EVERY SINGLE TROLL THAT I HAVE PESTERED UP TO THIS EXACT MOMENT. CG: INSERT YOUR "CONSTANTS AND VARIABLES" COMMENT HERE. CG: ANYWAY, HERE'S THE THING THAT I WAS WANTING TO TALK ABOUT. CG: http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=003892 AA: n0w that y0u made me think perhaps hist0ry isnt all that irrelevant AA: l00k s0me0ne made a commem0rati0n 0f y0ur great adventures and imm0rtalized it 0n the internet CG: YOU ARE FORGETTING ONE THING. CG: DOESN'T ANYTHING ABOUT THIS SEEM JUST OFF THE TRACK? AA: n0 CG: NO ONE EVEN KNOWS ABOUT OUR "GREAT ADVENTURES"!!!!!! CG: AND YET THE PERSON BEHIND THIS IS ASSUMING THAT HE KNOWS EVERYTHING, AND HE ALSO HAS THE GUTS TO ASSUME THAT WE LOOK WAY TOO MUCH BETTER WITHOUT ARMS.

LOADING SCREEN 1 ==> 99 AA: every0ne has their 0wn stylistic ch0ice AA: as f0r the pers0n kn0wing ab0ut us AA: perhaps time travel d0es actually exist in this universe al0ng with its parallels CG: NO IT FUCKING DOESN'T. CG: ALRIGHT, SINCE THIS CONVERSATION, YET AGAIN, IS GOING NOWHERE, I AM GOING TO HIT UP SOMEONE ELSE, YET AGAIN. CG: LET'S SAY... CG: YOUR BOYFRIEND. AA: which 0ne CG: DAMMIT CG: AGAIN????? CG: WHAT IS IT WITH YOUR PREOCCUPATION WITH MAKING THE QUADRANTS BE AS COMPLICATED AS POSSIBLE IS MY QUESTION. CG: THE ONE WHO I HAVEN'T TALKED TO YET. AA: inc0nclusive CG: SIGH CG: THE ONE WHO ISN'T SOLLUX. AA: y0u mean equius CG: THAT'S RIGHT, THAT ONE. CG: IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY, HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE STRONG ONE OF OUR TEAM? CG: HONESTLY A LOT OF MY MEMORIES OF YOU STEM FROM THE EARLIER ERA WHEN WE STILL USED TO PLAY SGRUB CG: SO MAYBE I'M NOT THAT GREAT A LEADER ON THE EARTH BUT REALLY WHO CARES. CG: AT ANY RATE, BRB.

-- canceroGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering apocalypseArising [AA] –-

Yup, another worthless troll. I am already more than halfway through the list. Seriously?

7. EQUIUS, Karkat noted and went on with his trolling tirade.

Author's idiotisms: You might have noticed that Calliope's Update Girl is now mentioned on my NaNoWriMo profile. That means that, apparently, this fanfic will have to be twice as long by the end of the month. It also means that all the words that I write here will be included in the word count, and I could possibly take a quote from this out of context and present it in the "novel excerpt" section. There are a lot of possibilities, to be honest.

100 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One Chapter I.7. Terminal Condition

-- canceroGeneticist [CG] began pestering centenaryTesticle [CT] –-

CG: EQUIUS, A GREETING IS IN ORDER CG: HOWEVER, THE GREETING ONLY IMPLIES A SENSE OF RESPECT, RATHER THAN THAT OF FRIENDSHIP. CT: D --> The respect doesn't remain not understood, Karkat CT: D --> After all, I was one of the most feared tr001s to roam Alternia, back when Alternia was a thing CG: YOU WERE? CG: WHAT HAPPENED? CT: D --> To put it simply, Alternia ceased to e%ist CT: D --> I still remain as STRONG as I was when I was a grub CT: D --> In fact, I might even claim that I am STRONGER than I used to be, simply because, in the human universe, bodybuilding is more of a concern than it was in our original universe CG: HOLY SHIT WHAT. CG: NOW I HAVE TO BE EDUCATED ON EVERY SORT OF NOBILITY THAT THERE EXISTS ON EARTH, RIGHT? CG: AS IF THE COMPLICATED EMPLOYMENT SYSTEM ON ALL THE PLANETS CONQUERED FOR THE GLORIOUS NAME OF ALTERNIA WASN'T ENOUGH. CT: D --> The Alternian army's hierar%y is interesting in its twisted turns of law and long and outstanding history CT: D --> The Earth, by comparison, seems rather mundane and linear CT: D --> But what it lacks in comple%ity, it more than makes up for in raw strength CT: D --> There are literally championships of bodybuilders that aim to lift the biggest weight or push a truck the largest amount CT: D --> I have been meaning to participate CT: D --> But no one would a100w me because they're convinced that I have some sort of CT: D --> Terminal condition CG: YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU HAVE A TERMINAL CONDITION OF BEING A SGRUB PLAYER AND THEREFORE HAVING ARTIFICIALLY INCREASED MANGRIT, AMONG OTHER STATS. CG: AND YOU ALSO HAVE A TERMINAL CONDITION BECAUSE YOU ARE A TROLL FROM THE PLANET ALTERNIA AND ARE DOOMED TO REMAIN A TROLL FROM THE PLANET ALTERNIA FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, NO MATTER HOW MUCH FACEPAINT YOU PUT ON YOUR FACE. CT: D --> Why would I put facepaint on my face CT: D --> The action seems so 100di% CG: ONE HUNDRED DICKS? CG: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON CG: YOUR QUIRK APPEARS TO BE SO HARMLESS ON THE OUTSIDE, YET STILL CAN PRODUCE CLUSTERFUCKS, APPARENTLY. CT: D --> Ludicrous, I meant CG: AT ANY RATE CG: YOU MEAN YOU ACTUALLY DON'T DO THAT? CG: PUT ON THE FACEPAINT AND ALL. CG: JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE.

LOADING SCREEN 1 ==> 101 CG: I SUPPOSE THAT CONGRATULATIONS ARE IN ORDER, THEN. CT: D --> All the other tr001s that came with us should know that they should be proud of being tr001s from Alternia CG: WHAT DOES THE FACT THAT YOU ARE TROLL FROM ALTERNIA EVEN IMPLY, THOUGH? CG: I SUPPOSE IT MEANS THAT YOU PLAYED SGRUB AND CAME TO THE EARTH, BUT IT WOULD BE RATHER UNFAIR TO JUDGE THE ALTERNIAN TROLLS BASED ON THOSE WHO CAME AROUND AND ENDED UP HERE. CG: SURVIVORSHIP BIAS, I SUPPOSE. CT: D --> Even the tr001s that weren't so lucky were well-known CT: D --> Each caste of the aforementioned hierar%y, not to be confused with the castes of the hemospectrum, has its own memorable tr001s CT: D --> To think that one of the hierar%y castes doesn't have a memorable tr001 is simply CT: D --> Outrageous CT: D --> I have made a mental note to avoid the other word, so you wouldn't be confused by my turns of phrase once again CG: WHY CAN'T YOU JUST... CG: HAVE NO AFFECTATION ON A PARTICULAR LETTER AT ALL. CG: LIKE MYSELF, KANAYA AND TAVROS. CG: THESE ARE THE ONLY ONES THAT I CAN THINK OF. CG: AND I NEVER, EVER SHARED A MISUNDERSTANDING WITH EITHER OF THEM. CG: EVEN THOUGH MY RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM ISN'T THE BEST THAT THERE COULD BE. CT: D --> I have made another mental note to not mention the matter of writing quirks anymore CT: D --> Even though I would like to indulge in a conversation about how the writing quirk makes the tr001 CT: D --> Any careless misstep appears to throw you into a tantrum that could go on forever and ever, it seems CG: THE MENTAL NOTES ARE BASICALLY WORTHLESS IF YOU FORGET THEM A MINUTE AFTER MAKING THEM. CG: JUST WRITE THAT SHIT DOWN, DO YOU GET ME? CT: D --> I have made another mental note to remember all the mental notes that I have made up to this point CT: D --> After all, my memory needs refreshing just as my physical strength does CG: YOUR PHYSICAL STRENGTH IS ALREADY OFF THE CHARTS, AND YOUR CAPACITY OF MAKING MENTAL NOTES IS ALREADY SO BIG, I DON'T THINK IT'S TROLLICALLY POSSIBLE TO MEMORIZE THEM ALL. CT: D --> I don't think what you just said was a word CG: WHAT IS A WORD? CG: SOMETHING THAT HAS BEEN USED WAY TOO MUCH AS A WORD, THAT'S WHAT A WORD IS. CG: IF I KEEP SAYING TROLLICALLY THEN YOU WILL HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT IT'S A WORD. CT: D --> No CG: I HAVE DETERMINED THAT THIS IS GOING TO BE A LENGTHY AND POINTLESS YES/NO CONVERSATION JUST FROM THE FIRST RESPONSE, SO I'M GOING TO CUT TO THE CHASE. CG: THERE'S A THING ON THE WIDE HUMAN INTERNET, AND APPARENTLY... CG: LOOK FOR YOURSELF. CG: http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=003892 CT: D --> Why would they draw you instead of me

102 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One CG: NO IDEA. CG: NEXT QUESTION? CT: D --> I am a much more respectable figure in terms of everything than you are CG: NO YOU'RE NOT, BECAUSE I'M YOUR AMAZING LEADER, APPARENTLY. CT: D --> Yes CG: YOU'RE ABOUT TO DO IT AGAIN! CG: YOU'RE ABOUT TO DO THE YES/NO THING AGAIN, TWICE IN THE SAME CONVERSATION. CT: D --> No CG: YES, YOU ARE. CT: D --> No CG: YES. CT: D --> No CG: ALRIGHT, I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. CG: I'M ONTO THE NEXT TROLL. CG: AND OUT OF THE FOUR TROLLS REMAINING, I CAN ONLY THINK OF ONE WHO IS SORT OF A NOOB AT LIFE BUT WHO ISN'T OUTRIGHT AWFUL LIKE THE OTHER THREE. CT: D --> Then, in that case, f001shness is over CT: D --> Farewell CG: GOOD RIDDANCE. CG: (I AM GOING TO REGRET THIS SO MUCH.)

-- canceroGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering centenaryTesticle [CT] –-

Well, on the bright side, he doesn't come off as completely worthless, like the others. On the dark side, though, I am still running out of trolls, and might need to change my guns soon.

8. TAVROS, Karkat noted and repeated the same procedure, which he had already gotten sick of today. He was in a really shitty mood, even though he didn't show it.

LOADING SCREEN 1 ==> 103 Chapter I.8. Walks Without Legs

-- canceroGeneticist [CG] began pestering aurevoirToreador [AT] –-

CG: TAVROS, I SUPPOSE I SHOULD SAY HELLO CG: BUT WITH YOUR SELF-ESTEEM AS OF NOW, I'M NOT SURE IF I REALLY SHOULD DO IT WITHOUT HURTING YOU. AT: hEY, nO FAIR, AT: mY SELF-ESTEEM, iS THE BEST THAT MANKIND HAS EVER SEEN, hUMAN THANK YOU, CG: YOU CAN GO ON ABOUT IT ALL YOU WANT, BUT THAT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT EVEN THE HUMAN "ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS" HAVE MORE SELF-ESTEEM THAN YOU. AT: wHAT IS AN ALCOHOLIC, CG: ARE YOU SHITTING ME???? CG: YOU MEAN AFTER EIGHT HUMAN SWEEPS ON EARTH YOU STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT AN ALCOHOLIC IS? AT: nO, AT: nOW WOULD YOU PLEASE BE SO KIND, aND TELL ME, AT: bEFORE I GET ANGRY, oR WHATEVER PEOPLE WITH SELF-ESTEEM DO, AT: wHICH, aS A REMINDER, i AM, AT: a PERSON WITH SELF-ESTEEM, AT: sO YOU CAN, uH, sUCK IT, CG: YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING TO SHOW THE FACT THAT THIS IS ALL FAKE, ARE YOU? CG: ALRIGHT, WHATEVER, AS AN AMAZING LEADER I'M SUPPOSED TO BE HELPFUL TOWARDS EVERYONE ELSE IN MY TEAM, SO HERE GOES. CG: ALCOHOLICS ARE PEOPLE WHO IMBIBE ALCOHOL. CG: ALCOHOL IS A HUMAN SOPORIFIC SUBSTANCE WHICH MAKES PEOPLE ACT FUNNY, AND EVEN MORE AGGRESSIVE THAN ME. CG: I CAN SYMPATHIZE WITH THE ALCOHOLICS WHILE THEY'RE ON ALCOHOL, BECAUSE THEY ALSO ASPIRE TO BE ME. CG: EXCEPT WHAT IS *ACTUALLY* GOING ON IS THEY JUST PLAIN LOSE ALL SENSE OF REALITY, LIKE YOU, AND BECOME REAL SHITSTAINS. CG: SOME OF THOSE ALCOHOLICS *RECOGNIZE* THAT THEY'RE SHITSTAINS, THOUGH, AND DESPERATELY TRY TO QUIT THE ADDICTION. CG: ADDICTION, THOUGH, IS A POWERFUL THING, APPARENTLY. CG: SO THEY GATHER IN GROUPS AND TRY TO GET EACH OTHER OUT OF THE SHITHOLE THAT DRINKING THAT PARTICULAR SUBSTANCE, DILUTED IN VARIOUS WAYS THAT ALL HAVE DIFFERENT NAMES, IS. CG: ONE OF THOSE GROUPS IS ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS. CG: NOW YOU KNOW WAY TOO MUCH MORE THAN YOU SHOULD ON THE SUBJECT, AND YOU WILL POSSIBLY BE MENTALLY SCARRED FOR LIFE. CG: YOU'RE FUCKING WELCOME. AT: nO WAY, i'M STILL THE BEST AT SELF-ESTEEM, tHAT I AM, AT: tO SHOW THAT, i AM GOING TO TYPE, oNE OF THE SMILING SMILEY FACES, tHAT SHOWS, tHAT I DON'T GIVE A SHIT, AT: aBOUT YOUR RANT, AT: hERE GOES, AT: }:) CG: YUP, STILL THE SAME GUY I LEFT BEHIND EIGHT HUMAN SWEEPS AGO.

104 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One CG: IT SEEMS THAT KARKAT IS THE ONLY TROLL THAT IS STILL AROUND THAT IS SPLINTERED INTO A FUCKTON OF FUTURE AND PAST SELVES. AT: iT IS ONLY THE NOMENCLATURE THOUGH, AT: i AM PRETTY SURE, tHAT PAST AND FUTURE KARKAT, aRE THE SAME GUY, CG: ONLY BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW THEM PERSONALLY. CG: WELL, I'VE BEEN COMPLETELY OUT OF TOUCH WITH FUTURE KARKAT, SEEING AS TIME TRAVEL DOESN'T EXIST IN THE ONE AND ONLY HUMAN UNIVERSAL TIMELINE. CG: OR PROBABLY IT DOESN'T EXIST IN A COUPLE OF INTERRELATED NON- INTERACTING HUMAN UNIVERSAL TIMELINES, BUT I'VE ALREADY GONE INTO THIS SHIT ONCE TODAY AND I'M NOT WILLING TO DO IT AGAIN. AT: wELL, i SEE THAT AS ENOUGH CONCLUSION TO, uH, AT: bELIEVE IN FATE, AT: aND CAUSALITY, CG: OH MY GOD, DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT "FATE" MEANS? AT: uH, tOTALLY, AT: eR, AT: lET ME THINK FOR A BIT, AT: fATE IS THAT THING, wHERE, uHHHHHHHHHH, AT: aCTUALLY, nO, i DO NOT, CG: JUST WHAT I EXPECTED. AT: yOU STILL SEEM, lIKE AN UNFAIR LEADER, AT: yOU STILL MOCK ME FOR MY DISABILITY, wHILE THE HUMANS, aRE ACTUALLY WILLING TO HELP ME, CG: YUP, I'VE HEARD PLENTY OF STUFF ABOUT HOW WHEELCHAIRS ARE COMMONPLACE ON THE EARTH. CG: BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, BESIDES YOUR WHEELCHAIR, I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANOTHER WHEELCHAIR ON ALTERNIA. CG: HOW THE FUCK COULD THAT HAPPEN THAT YOU SUDDENLY HAVE AN ALIEN WHEELCHAIR THAT NO ONE ELSE IN THE GALAXY HAS? CG: IS THERE AN ALIEN SPECIES THAT ACTUALLY WALKS WITHOUT LEGS, AND TO MAKE IT EASIER THEY INVENTED AN APPARATUS NEARLY IDENTICAL TO THE WHEELCHAIR? CG: I AM ACTUALLY GENUINELY CURIOUS. AT: iT WAS THERE, eVER SINCE I WAS A GRUB, aCTUALLY, AT: bUT I HAD FOUND NO USE FOR IT, bEFORE MY UNFORTUNATE ACCIDENT, AT: i JUST THOUGHT, tHAT IT WAS A NEAT LOOKING THING, AT: i DIDN'T COME TO REALIZE, hOW USEFUL IT WOULD BE, iN LIGHT OF MY, uH, AT: mISFORTUNE, AT: iT'S REALLY AMAZING, aCTUALLY, hOW THINGS TURNED OUT, lOOKING BACK, AT: eVEN THOUGH I WAS HARRASSED AND INJURED, i ACTUALLY GOT TO WIN SGRUB, wITH ALL OF YOU, AT: aND, uH, lIVE LIFE ON EARTH, CG: I HAVE NO IDEA HOW YOU GOT TO BE SUCH A WIMP. CG: AND I HONESTLY DON'T CARE. CG: I AM ONLY CONTACTING YOU BECAUSE I HAVE CONTACTED, LIKE, SEVEN OTHER TROLLS, AND ALL OF THEM DIDN'T PROPERLY RESPOND TO THIS THING. CG: ACTUALLY, GIVEN THAT, I'M NOT TOO SURE THAT YOU WILL PROPERLY RESPOND TO THIS THING, BUT I GUESS IT DOESN'T HURT TO TRY. AT: i WILL TRY, tO GIVE A PROPER RESPONSE, CG: ALRIGHT, HERE GOES NOTHING. CG: http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=003892 AT: wHAT DO I DO WITH THIS THING, CG: RRRRRRRRRRNGH. CG: YOU CLICK ON IT.

LOADING SCREEN 1 ==> 105 CG: AND IT LEADS YOU TO THE HUMAN INTERNET. CG: NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE TROLL INTERNET, WHICH APPARENTLY HAS MANY SIMILAR NETWORK BOOKWORM LEAVES, OR "WEBSITES". AT: oH, AT: hEY, iS THAT YOU, CG: YES, THAT IS ME, GENIUS. BRAVO. CG: NOTICE ANYTHING ELSE? CG: LIKE THE FACT THAT THIS WAS ACTUALLY DRAWN BY A HUMAN NAMED ANDREW? AT: nO, CG: TRY AND LOOK REALLY, REALLY HARD. AT: nO, AT: i REFUSE, tO GIVE IN TO PEER PRESSURE, CG: TWEET TWEET. CG: YOU KNOW WHAT THIS WAS THE SOUND OF? CG: THIS WAS THE SOUND OF THIS THING BEING FUCKING OVER, NOOB. AT: wHAT'S A NOOB, CG: MADE FROM THE WORD NEWBIE, WHICH IS IN TURN MADE FROM THE WORD NEW TO THIS NONSENSE, EVEN THOUGH YOU SHOULDN'T BE AFTER EIGHT HUMAN SWEEPS. CG: WHO SHOULD I MOVE ON TO. AT: dID YOU PESTER GAMZEE YET, CG: NO. CG: I WAS ACTUALLY PUTTING GAMZEE OFF UNTIL LATER, BECAUSE OF HOW AWFUL HE HAS BECOME OVER THE RECENT HUMAN SWEEPS. CG: BUT SINCE I AM RUNNING OUT OF TROLLS ANYWAY, GAMZEE IT IS. CG: SEE YOU AT OTHER TIMES. CG: WITH HOPES THAT YOU WILL ACTUALLY BECOME SOMEWHAT COMPETENT AT LIVING A HUMAN LIFE. AT: tHE HOPES CAN ONLY BE ALIVE, CG: WHEN YOU AREN'T AROUND, THAT IS. CG: GOODBYE.

-- canceroGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering aurevoirToreador [AT] –-

I am seriously getting angrier and angrier with every troll that I take on. Though, isn't it also neat that I talked to my favorite trolls first and moved down the list?

9. GAMZEE, Karkat wrote and hit up the next chum. To be honest, he wasn't looking forward to future conversations, but after having messaged eight trolls, it was only fair to message the other three.

...Including the arrogant fish freak?

Karkat immediately stopped thinking about the arrogant fish freak and messaged Gamzee.

106 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One Chapter I.9. Good Grammar Books

-- canceroGeneticist [CG] began pestering temporallyCapricious [TC] –-

CG: GAMZEE, I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TALK TO YOU CG: BUT REALLY, THAT IS ONLY BECAUSE I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TALK TO EVERYONE. TC: SuP My mOtHeRfUcKiN InVeRtEbRoThEr TC: i sUpPoSe tHaT SoMe pReTtY ImPoRtAnT MoThErFuCkIn sHiT MuSt bE SmOkIn uP In yOuR PoT? CG: FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT YOUR INVERTEBROTHER CG: THE ROLE OF MY INVERTEBROTHER, OR, TO USE AN OLD ALTERNIAN TERM, MY MOIRAIL, HAS BEEN TAKEN OVER BY KANAYA SINCE, LIKE, FOREVER AGO. CG: LET'S JUST FACE IT, SHE IS MUCH MORE TOLERABLE THAN YOU ARE. CG: NOT TO MENTION THAT NOTHING CAN BE EXPLAINED TO YOU WHILE YOU'RE STONED CG: AND NOTHING CAN BE EXPLAINED TO YOU WHILE YOU'RE NOT STONED BECAUSE THEN YOU'RE BATSHIT INSANE. TC: Oh cOmE On TC: a sToNeD JuGgAlO LiKe mYsElF AiNt nEeD No eXpLaNaTiOn fOr aNyThIn TC: It jUsT RuInS ThE MaGiC Y'KnOw? CG: AND THAT IS THE PRECISE REASON WHY YOU CAN'T GET A JOB AND MAKE SOME MONEY THAT ISN'T THROWN ONTO YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE A HUGE CLOWN BEGGAR. CG: IN FACT, I'M CRINGING AT THE VERY THOUGHT OF A CLOWN BEGGAR. CG: LIKE, A CLOWN THAT CANNOT PERFORM IN A CIRCUS BECAUSE THEY'RE SO WORTHLESS AT ACTING, BUT WHO WANTS TO BE A CLOWN ANYWAY. CG: SO THEY STEP UP IN THE STREETS AND BEGIN CLOWNING AROUND THERE. CG: BUT THE POLICE CATCHES THEM, SO THEY CAN'T REALLY CLOWN AND THEY ARE REDUCED TO BEGGING. TC: oH CoMe oN YoU ReAlLy hAd tO ExPlAiN ThE ShIt i'm iNtO TC: WeLl iN ThE LeAsT I'Ve nO MoThErFuCkIn cLuE WhAt a cLoWn iS TC: cLoWnS ArE JuSt tOo mAiNsTrEaM So nO OnE WaNtS To bE ThEm oR KnOw aNyThInG BoUt tHeIr mOtHeRfUcKiN BuSiNeSs TC: So tHeY BeCoMe jUgGaLoS CG: AND YOUR JUGGALOS WORSHIP TWO PEOPLE NAMED INSANE *CLOWN* POSSE. CG: SO MAYBE CLOWNS ARE RELEVANT AFTER ALL. CG: HAVEN'T YOU THOUGHT OF THAT? CG: OR IS YOUR SHELL OF POT SIMPLY IMPENETRABLE? TC: tHeRe iS No sHeLl tHoUgH TC: ThErE Is oNlY MoThErFuCkIn pOt TC: sO I'M StOnEd lIkE AlL ThE TiMe TC: CoUlDn't iMaGiNe iT AnY OtHeR WaY ThOuGh CG: NO, I'M PRETTY SURE THERE IS A SHELL. CG: WHERE DO YOU THINK INSANE SOBER GAMZEE COMES FROM? TC: dOn't rUiN ThE MaGiC So qUiCkLy TC: I AiN'T InSaNe lIkE YoU PuRpOrT ThAt i aM SoMeTiMeS TC: cOuLd a gUy lIkE Me rEaLlY TrAnSfOrM So mUcH As tO Go oN A MuRdEr sPrEe lIkE YoU ClAiM I Do? CG: YES. CG: AS A MATTER OF FACT, YES, HE CAN. CG: I MEAN YOU CAN.

LOADING SCREEN 1 ==> 107 CG: YOU GUYS REALLY NEED TO STOP REFERRING TO YOURSELVES IN THE THIRD PERSON. CG: YOU REALIZE THAT'S WHAT THE FIRST PERSON IS FOR, RIGHT? CG: I MEAN, SERIOUSLY. CG: LET'S TAKE EVERYTHING FROM THIS CONVERSATION AND YOUR SURROUNDINGS AWAY, AND NAME THE THINGS ALL ANEW. CG: WHO'S THE FIRST PERSON THAT YOU CAN THINK OF? TC: UhHhHhH TC: yOuR MeTaPhOr iS JuSt a lItTlE BiT CoNfUsInG TC: CoUlD YoU LiKe eXpLaIn iN NoRmAl wOrDs? CG: THE ANSWER IS YOURSELF. CG: YOU ARE THE FIRST PERSON IN YOUR PERCEPTIONAL BUBBLE. CG: YOU ARE SIMPLY "YOU", RATHER THAN "A GUY LIKE YOU" OR WHATEVER. TC: bUt i tHoUgHt i wAs mOtHeRfUcKiN GaMzEe CG: THAT NAME IS ONLY RESERVED FOR THE TIMES WHEN WE'RE DISCUSSING SOMEONE OTHER THAN ME OR YOU. CG: FOR EXAMPLE, "INSANE SOBER GAMZEE" THAT I MENTIONED PREVIOUSLY. CG: YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE HIM, AND WHEN YOU'RE IN THAT FORM YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE YOU. CG: YOURSELF... CG: FUCK IT. CG: YOU THINK THERE WOULD BE A GOOD GRAMMAR BOOK ON ALTERNIA SO I WOULD KNOW THIS SHIT EVER SINCE I WAS A GRUB, BUT NO. CG: ALL THE GOOD GRAMMAR BOOKS HAVE TO RESIDE ON THE EARTH AND BE NAMED AFTER AN EARTH NATION NAMED ENGLAND. CG: WHAT DID ENGLAND DO TO BECOME THIS HUGE ASSHOLE OF THE WORLD WHO GETS DIBS ON THE FUCKING LANGUAGE NAME OF THE ENTIRE PLANET? TC: SeE ThIs iS WhAt hApPeNs wHeN YoU MoThErFuCkIn oVeRtHiNk sHiT TC: yOu bEcOmE AlL WoRkEd uP AnD AnGrY FoR No mOtHeRfUcKiN ReAsOn TC: So jUsT ChIlLaX, sToP OvErThInKiN MoThErFuCkIn sHiT, sToP YoUr tHoUgHtS RiGhT In tHeIr aSsEs, AnD GeT To tHe iMpOrTaNt sHiT CG: NO, I AM NOT GOING TO STOP THAT. CG: YOU KNOW WHY? CG: BECAUSE OVERTHINKING SHIT MAKES ME A FUCKING INTELLIGENT PERSON. CG: WHICH YOU SHOULD WISH TO BE, BECAUSE THEN I CAN USE MY AMAZING WITS TO GET GOOD AT SCHOOL. CG: IF I GET GOOD AT SCHOOL I WILL KNOW HOW TO GET GOOD AT COLLEGE. CG: AND IF I GET GOOD AT COLLEGE I WILL KNOW HOW TO GET GOOD AT THE JOB I'M DOING AND EARN FUCKING MONEY THAT YOU COULDN'T EVEN HAVE DREAMT OF!!!!! CG: I REST MY CASE. CG: THOUGH, YEAH, I HAVE THE IMPORTANT SHIT RIGHT HERE, JUST WAITING FOR YOU IN PLAIN SIGHT. CG: http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=003892 TC: wHoA, wHo hAd tHe bRiGhT IdEa tHaT WiThOuT ArMs pEoPlE LoOk a wHoLe lOt bEtTeR? TC: ThOuGh wHy wOuLd i wAnT To eNtEr yOuR NaMe? CG: BECAUSE THE ANDREW GUY IS A DOUCHEBAG. CG: HE'S A DOUCHEBAG WITH NO SENSE OF PRIVACY. TC: yOu'rE StIlL GeTtInG WoRkEd uP FoR AlL ThE IrReLeVaNt sHiT TC: So rEaLlY YoU NeEd tO ChIlLaX AnD QuIt bEiNg aNgRy aLl tHe tImE CG: WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? CG: YOU NEED TO QUIT BEING STONED ALL THE TIME. CG: PERHAPS, IF YOU'RE NOT STONED ANYMORE, YOU WILL ONLY WANT TO GO ON A

108 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One MURDER SPREE VERY BRIEFLY. CG: THEN THE ENTIRE WORLD WILL OPEN UP IN NEW COLORS AND YOU WILL BE ABLE TO JUDGE STUFF LIKE A NORMAL FUCKING TROLL. CG: OF COURSE, YOU WON'T GET ANYTHING FROM THIS, SO WHY AM I EVEN TRYING. TC: rEmEmBeRiN OuR OlD MoIrAiL DaYs i sEe? TC: It's nIcE AnD AlL ThAt yOu aRe sTiLl wIlLiNg tO ReCoNcIlE EvEn aFtEr aLl tHe bAd sHiT ThAt hApPeNeD To uS So fAr CG: OH YEAH OH FUCK I FORGOT CG: YOU'RE NOT MY MOIRAIL ANYMORE, ARE YOU. CG: AND I JUST OPENED UP TO YOU LIKE A HUGE DOUCHEBAG WHO HAS NO IDEA HOW LIFE WORKS. CG: I GUESS I WILL WEEP IN A CORNER UNTIL THEN. CG: EXCEPT I WON'T WEEP IN A CORNER BECAUSE I STILL HAVE TWO MORE TROLLS TO PESTER. CG: THE ARROGANT FISH FREAK AND THE ONE WHO'S CONSTANTLY HITTING ON ME. TC: gO FoR ThE OnE WhO'S CoNsTaNtLy hItTiNg oN YoU ThEn TC: MaYbE YoU DoN'T KnOw tHaT YoU TwO ArE DeStInEd fOr a wOnDeRfUl mOtHeRfUcKiN MaTeSpRiTsHiP CG: WE ARE NOT DESTINED FOR A WONDERFUL MOTHERFUCKING... CG: I MEAN A WONDERFUL MATESPRITSHIP, BUT YOU KNOW, WHATEVER THE HELL. CG: NEPETA IT IS. CG: I'M NOT TOO SURE IF I SHOULD MESSAGE YOU AT OTHER TIMES, BUT I SUPPOSE TIME WILL TELL. TC: wElL ThEn mOtHeRfUcKiN ByE I SuPpOsE CG: MOTHER- CG: I MEAN BYE.

-- canceroGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering temporallyCapricious [TC] –-

Yup, down to the two worst trolls that I ever knew. Well, let's get this thing over with, shall we?

10. NEPETA, Karkat scribbled, took a deep breath, and went on to message the one who was constantly hitting on him.

LOADING SCREEN 1 ==> 109 Chapter I.10. Disrespectful

-- canceroGeneticist [CG] began pestering arseniumCatnap [AC] --

CG: NEPETA, I HAVE AN IMPORTANT INQUIRY CG: AND YOU'D BETTER KNOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THAT I'M NOT TAKING ANY SHIT. AC: :33 < *ac wiggles her tail once she h33rs the exciting news* AC: :33 < *the news is that karkitty has messaged her fur the furst time!* AC: :33 < *ac is very excited over this since almost always the advances had to come furrom her side* AC: :33 < *she thinks that this is the beginning of a wonderful furriendship!* CG: AND ALREADY YOU'VE FAILED. AC: :33 < *ac though immediately resigns knowing that karkitty wont be as 33sily pl33sed as she thought* AC: :33 < *after all karkitty always has something important to attend to* AC: :33 < *like his l33der duties!* CG: YES, EVERYONE ALREADY KNOWS ABOUT MY LEADER DUTIES AND HOW HARD THEY ARE. CG: AND YET, I JUST SUCK IT AND REMAIN BEING AN AMAZING LEADER, AND THAT IS WHY I AM IN CONTROL OF YOU SHITSTAINS. CG: OR AT LEAST, I WOULD BE IN CONTROL IF YOU WEREN'T ALL AROUND THIS COUNTRY THAT DARES CALL ITSELF THE UNITED STATES. AC: :33 < *ac r33lizes she was simply purrtending to be right next to karkitty* AC: :33 < *she is r33lly far away in the state of maine!* CG: THE STATE OF MAINE ISN'T ACTUALLY THAT FAR AWAY FROM BOSTON, AS YOU THOUGHT. CG: IF I HAD ENOUGH COURAGE, I COULD EASILY WALK THERE IN TWO DAYS AND STRANGLE YOU JUST FOR BEING FOOLISH ENOUGH FOR THINKING YOU CAN'T REACH ME. CG: WOW, AFTER EIGHT HUMAN SWEEPS YOU STILL DON'T KNOW YOUR SHIT AROUND MORE THAN YOUR BACKYARD AND CAVE. CG: WELL, METAPHORICAL CAVE. CG: I DO REALIZE THAT YOU'RE PROBABLY LIVING IN A DORM OF A HIGH SCHOOL JUST AS I AM, BUT A BIT OF PRETENDING CG: AND BY THAT I REALLY DO MEAN "PRETENDING", RATHER THAN "PURRTENDING", BECAUSE THESE MEOWBEAST PUNS ARE AWFUL CG: DOESN'T HURT, GIVEN THAT WE PROBABLY STILL IDOLIZE ALTERNIA AND HOW AMAZING IT WAS, AND WE WISH TO RETURN TO THAT SHITHOLE. AC: :33 < *ac is confused by karkittys sp33ch* AC: :33 < *is alternia r33lly something to be idolized or a...* AC: :33 < *ac cannot bring herself to say the curseword so karkitty just will have to l33ve it to his imagination!* CG: YOU DON'T REALLY MEAN TO SAY IT, THOUGH CG: I KNOW, BECAUSE IF YOU ENCLOSE WHAT YOU TYPE IN THIS ACTION, THAT MEANS YOU'RE NOT REALLY SAYING ANYTHING AND I AM MAKING AN IDIOT OUT OF MYSELF FOR TALKING WITH MYSELF. AC: :33 < *ac immediately r33lizes her mistake and begins talking*

110 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One AC: :33 < hi karkitty! CG: SAYING THINGS LIKE THIS WAS ALREADY IMPLIED. CG: THEREFORE, I WANTED TO SKIP THAT AND JUST HEAD TO THE IMPORTANT STUFF. AC: :33 < *ac is-* AC: :33 < i m33n im all up fur impurrtant stuff! AC: :33 < not being all up fur impurrtant stuff is a bad thing AC: :33 < it m33ns that youre disrespectful! CG: BUT IT TURNS OUT THAT YOU'RE DISRESPECTFUL ANYWAY BECAUSE WHEN YOU HAVE TO ATTEND TO IMPORTANT STUFF, YOU STILL SOMEHOW TAKE THIS AS INVITATION TO CONTINUE YOUR ROLEPLAYING RIGMAROLE. CG: LIKE SERIOUSLY?????? CG: IF I HAD TO ATTEND TO IMPORTANT STUFF I DEFINITELY WOULDN'T BE RANDOMLY EXCITED THAT I GET TO HIT ON MY FAVORITE TROLL. CG: WHICH I DON'T HAVE, BY THE WAY, SO YOU CAN CROSS ME OUT OF YOUR SHIPPING WALL ENTIRELY. AC: :33 < yes you do AC: :33 < you mentioned a couple of times that kanaya is your moirail! CG: OH YEAH THAT. CG: WELL, YEAH. CG: AND I GUESS MY RELATIONSHIP WITH TEREZI IS THE WARMEST, BECAUSE WHEN I STARTED THIS RIGMAROLE OF PESTERING EVERYONE, I BEGAN WITH HER. CG: THAT STILL DOESN'T MEAN I LIKE THEM. CG: THEY STILL HAVE THEIR OWN FLAWS WHICH, IN THE END, MAKE US ALL USELESS SHITSTAINS. CG: POSSIBLY EVEN MYSELF CG: BUT I KEEP COVERING THAT UP WITH FUTURE AND PAST KARKAT SO YOU DON'T HAVE A SINGLE DOUBT THAT PRESENT KARKAT IS THE MOST AMAZING LEADER THERE IS. AC: :33 < yeeeeeees AC: :33 < *ac is excited that it didnt take too long for karkitty to open up and tell his feelings to her!* CG: I WHAT CG: I SAID TOO MUCH ALREADY, DIDN'T I. CG: WELL, THEN LET'S JUST PRETEND THAT I'M EMBARRASED AND COVER THIS UP WITH MORE CHATLOG. CG: AND BY THAT I MEAN MORE CHATLOG THAT ACTUALLY TURNS OUT TO BE RELEVANT IN THE LONG TERM. CG: I ALREADY MESSAGED ALMOST EVERYONE WITH THIS THING THAT WILL TURN OUT TO BE A HUGE LIFECHANGER FOR US ALL, AND NOW, AFTER ALL THIS TIME, IT'S YOUR TURN. CG: HERE WE GO. CG: http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=003892 AC: :33 < *ac examines the impurrtant stuff that karkitty gave her immediately* AC: :33 < *ac knows that ofurwise shed possibly be in an even worse situation because then she would be hated by karkitty more!* AC: :33 < *ac looks over the page that has loaded and immediately becomes excited over what looks like karkitty!* AC: :33 < *ac is more happy than ever to get to see her boyfriend in elecatronic furm* CG: BOYFRIEND? CG: ELECATRONIC? CG: YUP, TALKING TO YOU WAS A HUGE MISTAKE.

LOADING SCREEN 1 ==> 111 CG: I NEEDED REAL CLARIFICATION, I SUPPOSE, BUT YEAH, THIS IS, ONCE AGAIN, GOING NOWHERE. CG: I GUESS IT MEANS THAT I'M DOWN TO... CG: OH GOD CG: OH GOD NO CG: HOW CAN THIS BE HAPPENING TO ME ALREADY. AC: :33 < *ac is genuinely curious over karkittys distress!* AC: :33 < *ac wishes that karkitty could just sp33k up and tell all his problems immediately* CG: THE ARROGANT FISH FREAK. AC: :33 < *ac immediately shrugs* AC: :33 < *she remembers the last conversation she had with the m33n fish in minute detail!* AC: :33 < *ac wishes karkitty good luck in his conversation and bids goodbye knowing that right now she will not take over his heart* AC: :33 < *maybe some ofur time!* CG: GOOD LUCK IS REALLY WHAT I NEED CG: BUT YEAH, IT WILL ONLY BE REAL IF MAGIC IS REAL, WHICH, AS I'VE DETERMINED MYSELF, IS NOT. CG: IN THAT CASE, GOODBYE.

-- canceroGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering arseniumCatnap [AC] --

Karkat simply squinted his eyes this time. He was sure to write 11. ERIDAN, just as he wrote the names of all of his other friends, but he couldn't bring himself to talk to that guy.

It seemed like he was the biggest pain in the ass of all the trolls in his group, and even perhaps on Alternia. In memory of him, Karkat remained with his eyes closed.

Nevertheless, shit had to be done, he supposed. He opened his eyes, clicked a couple of times, and immediately made it so Eridan was unblocked and Karkat could talk to him.

112 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One Chapter I.11. Blackrom

-- canceroGeneticist [CG] began pestering caligulacAquarius [CA] --

CG: ERIDAN, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU CG: BE ADVISED, THOUGH, THAT I AM LITERALLY CONTACTING YOU AS A LAST RESORT. CA: i stand advvised kar CA: exactly howw last resort are you supposing that i am CG: I LITERALLY MESSAGED EVERYONE ELSE FROM OUR TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY ON THE MATTER AND EVERYONE PROVIDED UNSATISFACTORY COMMENTS. CG: AS I MARKED, TEREZI, VRISKA, KANAYA, SOLLUX, FEFERI, ARADIA, EQUIUS, TAVROS, GAMZEE AND NEPETA ALL DISRESPECTED ME ON THE MATTER. CG: AND NOW YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON LEFT. CG: THAT'S HOW DESPERATE I AM. CA: noww you knoww howw i feel CA: nevver gettin to hang out wwith anyone only because all the relevvant people already havve their couples CA: and all the irrelevvant people just tell me to fuck off CG: HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED THE FACT THAT PERHAPS YOU'RE THE IRRELEVANT ONE???? CG: MAYBE YOU'RE NOT THE CENTER OF THE TWO UNIVERSES THAT YOU ALWAYS PURPORT TO BE. CA: says the self acclaimed amazing leader CG: TALKING TO YOU IS LIKE TALKING TO A BRICK WALL. CG: EVEN AFTER EIGHT HUMAN SWEEPS YOU'RE STILL THE SAME POMPOUS DOUCHEBAG THAT I MET FOR THE FIRST TIME. CG: IN FACT, IT IS SO UNLIKELY, IT EVEN BEGS THE QUESTION: HOW DID I EVEN MEET YOU? CA: dont you remember kar CA: i had truces with fef and vvris to feed their lusii CA: i couldvve just left them behind but then wwe all wwould be dead because fefs eldritch monster wwouldvve killed us all CA: and actually managed to i suppose CA: besides the fact simply is that youre talking to a noble and a knight on a wwhole higher caste than you are or wwill evver be CG: FOR THE LAST TIME, I'M THE KNIGHT, NOOKSUCKER. CA: the sgrub knight yeah CA: but im like the real knight CA: a real hero for the entirety of my species wwho protected it until the vvery end wwhen there wwas nothin to protect anymore but us twwelvve CA: and then wwent on to protect us twwelvve from the terrible monsters from the land of wwrath and angels that wwouldvve killed us all otherwwise CA: so i literally double savved evveryone CG: HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT THEY WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE KILLED!!!!!!!! CG: YOU ARE LITERALLY MAKING ME ANGRY. CG: LIKE, I AM ALWAYS DEFENSIVE AGAINST EVERYONE, AND THAT MIGHT PASS DOWN AS BEING ORNERY TO OTHERS CG: BUT WHEN I TALK TO YOU I AM LITERALLY GENUINELY ANGRY OVER YOUR

LOADING SCREEN 1 ==> 113 INCOMPETENCE! CG: AND NO, BEFORE YOU ASK ME FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME, THIS ANGER DOES NOT CG: I REPEAT, ******DOES NOT****** CG: MANIFEST ITSELF AS A BLACKROM!!!!!! CG: IT IS THE MOST UNADULTERATED FORM OF HATE THAT A TROLL BEING CAN FEEL TOWARDS ANOTHER TROLL BEING, AND IT MAKES ME WANT TO GO ON A MURDER SPREE. CG: (EVEN THOUGH I OBVIOUSLY WILL NOT GO ON A MURDER SPREE BECAUSE THE HUMANS WILL PUNISH ME TO EITHER DEATH OR LIFETIME IMPRISONMENT IF I DO.) CG: (THIS IS IRRELEVANT FOR THE PURPOSES OF THE RANT.) CG: IS THAT UNDERSTOOD???? CA: yeah but perhaps CA: just listen me out CA: perhaps this anger manifests itself as a blackrom CG: ARE YOU EVEN READING MY RANTS??????? CA: yeah i see youre clammin one thin CA: but youvve been knowwn to clam one thin and then actually feel another thin CG: ALRIGHT, THIS IS GOING NOWHERE. CG: SO LET ME JUST DROP THIS INTERNET LINK WITHOUT ANY CONTEXT AND TELL YOU TO READ IT, RATHER THAN DISCUSSING THE TOPIC OF YOU BEING AN ASSHOLE. CG: AND BY THAT I MEAN A LITERAL HOLE IN TROLLS' BOTTOM REARS, JUST ABOVE THE LEGS, FROM WHICH REFUSE COMES OUT. CG: REFUSE WHICH MIGHT BE KNOWN MORE COLLOQUIALLY AS SHIT. CG: ANYWAY, HERE'S THE LINK. CG: http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=003892 CA: wwoah kar you nevver told me you dreww things CA: not to mention so clearly CA: havve you been honin your art skills evver since you landed on the earth CG: *FACEPALM* CG: NO, IF YOU SCROLL DOWN THE WEBSITE, YOU WILL SEE THAT THE COMIC WAS WRITTEN AND DRAWN BY SOMEONE NAMED ANDREW. CG: AND I SURE AS HELL DON'T KNOW ANYONE NAMED ANDREW, SO IT IS OUT OF QUESTION FOR ME TO TAKE THE IDENTITY OF ANDREW. CA: maybe youre sick of being kar CA: maybe you wwant to fuck shit up as a human being and knoww that your alien name wwill immediately givve you awway CA: so you decide that you are andreww CG: I THOUGHT THAT I ALREADY CLARIFIED THAT I AM NOT BEHIND THIS. CA: wwell perhaps you are CG: WELL, IT'S A FACT THAT I'M NOT. CG: ANDREW IS A LAME-SOUNDING NAME ANYWAY. CG: EVEN IF I DID WANT TO PARTAKE IN SUCH FRIVOLOUS ACTIVITIES CG: WHICH, JUST IN CASE YOU ASK, I DO NOT AND WILL NEVER DO CG: I THINK THAT I WOULD BE ABLE TO COME UP WITH A BETTER NAME FOR MYSELF. CG: LIKE CARL. CG: SNAPPY, HUMAN-LIKE, AND SUFFICIENTLY SIMILAR-SOUNDING TO KARKAT SO DOUCHESNIFFS LIKE YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY MEMORIZE IT. CA: i am perfectly wwillin to memorize andreww CG: *HERE WE GO AGAIN* CG: ALRIGHT, THIS IS OVER. CG: MY CONVERSATION WITH YOU IS OVER, AND AS IT STANDS, I AM OFFICIALLY

114 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One OUT OF TROLLS TO MESSAGE. CG: AND YOU'D THINK THAT OUT OF ELEVEN PEOPLE, SOMEONE WOULD HAVE RESPONDED TO ME IN A PROPER AND WELL-INTENDED MANNER AND BY NOW I WOULD BE HAVING A PROPER DISCUSSION CG: BUT IT TURNS OUT THAT MY SUPPOSED "FRIENDS" ARE STILL INCOMPETENT EMOTIONAL WRECKS AND WILL ONLY RESPOND WITH THEIR EMOTION OF PREOCCUPATION. CG: SO NOW I'LL PROBABLY JUST GO WEEP IN A CORNER FOR MY EXISTENCE. CG: YOU ARE WELCOME TO RESPOND WITH ANY COMMENTS ON THE MATERIAL INCLUDED IN HIVEBENT, BUT IT WILL MOST LIKELY NOT HELP MY CAUSE IN ANY WAY. CG: WELL, CORRECTION CG: THE OTHER TEN TROLLS ARE. CG: I DO NOT WANT AND WILL NEVER WANT ANY SORT OF RESPONSE FROM YOU. CG: AS MY ADVICE STANDS, I ONLY CONTACTED YOU AS A LAST RESORT, AND EVEN THEN I WAS THOROUGHLY REMINDED OF THE MISTAKE THAT I DID. CG: SO YOU'RE FUCKING WELCOME. CG: NOW DON'T EVER SHOW UP AT MY DOORSTEP AGAIN. CG: AND BY DOORSTEP I GUESS I MEAN COMPUTER SCREEN. CG: BUT DON'T TAKE THAT AS AN INVITATION TO LITERALLY COME OVER TO MY HOUSE OR ANYTHING. CG: THE POINT STILL STANDS THAT I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU, EVER. CG: GOODBYE, ASSHOLE. CA: are you REALLY sure that theres no black feelins goin on CG: CAN YOU NOT CG: ALRIGHT, THEN IT'S TIME FOR ONE LAST MEASURE. CG: HERE GOES.

-- canceroGeneticist [CG] blocked caligulacAquarius [CA] --

Karkat shut off the chatlog and went on to think.

Of all the trolls that he messaged, no one took his matters seriously. That meant that, in his discovery, he was alone. It was similar to how Eridan always claimed to be "forevver alone", but honestly, at this point, Karkat didn't want to think about Eridan anymore.

Karkat didn't want anything anymore.

Several bright spots appeared in Karkat's eyes. Those were tears of sadness after rejection from his friends, as well as tears from all the hardships that Karkat suffered through the seven "human sweeps". Karkat made sure to almost never cry in face of a hardship. But when he cried, he really meant it. Tears just kept dropping from his face and running down his cheeks.

And just like that, someone messaged him. It didn't appear to be any of the eleven trolls, since the color of text was too bright to be any troll text color that he'd seen. But then... who could it be?

Karkat wiped the tears from his face and looked at the message. What he saw, however, thoroughly shocked him and immediately made him forget about his hardships.

LOADING SCREEN 1 ==> 115 Chapter I.12. They Play a Game

-- timelessExpanse [TE] began pestering canceroGeneticist [CG] --

TE: Karkat Vantas. CG: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD CG: THE THING IS HAPPENING AGAIN CG: SOMEONE WHO I DON'T KNOW COMPLETELY IS MESSAGING ME AND SOMEHOW KNOWS MY NAME, YET AGAIN. CG: GOD, HELP ME. TE: I'm afraid I cannot help you, as the adventure featuring you is already over. CG: WHAT ON EARTH CG: DID YOU JUST RESPOND TO THE NAME OF GOD? TE: Sure as hell did. CG: SOME STRANGERS SURELY CONTACTED ME VIA THIS METHOD OVER THE PAST EIGHT HUMAN SWEEPS BUT THEY WERE NEVER AS ARROGANT. CG: SO, I PRETTY MUCH HAVE NO IDEA IF I SHOULD BELIEVE YOU OR IGNORE YOU EVEN HARDER THAN THEM. TE: As others, you were occasionally pestered by Homestuck fans? CG: HOMESTUCK??? CG: WHAT ON EARTH IS CG: NOW HOLD UP. CG: HOLD UP SO HARD THAT IN A BLINK, THE FRACTION OF THE ENTIRE HUMANITY CURRENTLY IN ABLUTION TRAPS HAS FORGOTTEN HOW TO TAKE A SHIT AND IS SIMPLY SITTING AND/OR STANDING THERE IN EMBARRASSMENT. CG: THE MOMENT OF CONFUSION IS IMMEDIATELY SHARED THROUGH FACEBOOK OR TWITTER OR WHATEVER CG: PERHAPS EVEN SOME OF THEM SIMULTANEOUSLY. CG: HOW DID WE FORGET HOW TO DUMP OUR UNWANTED EXCREMENT INTO THE ELABORATE SYSTEMS THAT WE DESIGNED FOR IT IS THE HUMANITY'S QUESTION. TE: You got it. CG: THERE IS LITERALLY ONLY ONE WAY THAT THIS CONVERSATION COULD BE HAPPENING. CG: I KNOW, IT'S EXTREMELY UNLIKELY AND YOU'RE PROBABLY JUST ANOTHER PRANKSTER JUST WAITING TO GET A GOOD LAUGH OUT OF MY FOOLISHNESS. CG: AND OF COURSE, IT SHOULD BE A NO-THINKPANNER TO SEE THAT I WILL NEVER BECOME SO GULLIBLE AS TO BELIEVE YOU AT FIRST RESPONSE. CG: BUT THERE IS THE SLIVER OF CHANCE THAT MAYBE CG: JUST MAYBE TE: Yes? CG: I CAN'T EVEN TYPE THIS SHIT. CG: I'M SO NERVOUS, BECAUSE MY LIFE IS PROBABLY LITERALLY AT STAKE BECAUSE OF WHAT'S HAPPENING RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW. CG: LIKE, YOU HAVE NO IDEA. CG: SHIT IS SO TENSE HERE, IT MIGHT HOLD ME DANGLING FROM MOUNT EVEREST AND NOT SNAP IN TWO. TE: Lay it on me. TE: If your presumptions are wrong, what is there to lose? CG: BUT IF THEY ARE RIGHT CG: ALRIGHT, HERE GOES.

116 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One CG: YOU'RE THE ANDREW GUY. TE: Yes, my first name is indeed Andrew, but that still didn't clarify your point. TE: Go on. CG: YOU WROTE AND DREW HIVEBENT CG: OR, AS YOU CALL IT, HOMESTUCK CG: ON YOUR "MS PAINT ADVENTURES" SITE CG: AND YOU'RE IMAGINING THAT WE TWELVE, THE TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY THAT I PAINSTAKINGLY CRAFTED WITH MY OWN BLOOD FROM THE BEST OF THE BEST OF ALTERNIA, ARE SIMPLY YOUR CHEWTOYS THAT YOU CAN USE TO TELL YOUR STORY TO WHATEVER EXTENT, WHILE PRESUMING THE IDENTITY OF A LITERAL GOD OVER US. TE: Huh. TE: Most of your presumptions are actually correct, but there are a few slight mistakes. TE: Homestuck is the name of the entire adventure. TE: The one of John and his friends as they play a game. CG: JOHN????? TE: Irrelevant. TE: Some of this story is about John and co. TE: However, a smaller part of this story is about you and your "Team Adorabloodthirsty", who play a different but in many ways the same game. CG: WAIT WAIT WAIT. CG: SO HIVEBENT IS ACTUALLY JUST A SMALLER PART OF HOMESTUCK? CG: LOLWUT. TE: Aren't you just one strange troll fellow? TE: Disgusted by memes, even willing to protect your language from them, yet still you use them when your back is turned. CG: WHOA WHOA WHOA CG: HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT I AM A TROLL AND THAT MEMES DISGUST ME. CG: ARE YOU CITING MY PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS? CG: HOW DID YOU EVEN READ THEM CG: ARE YOU AN ADEPT HACKER, LIKE SOLLUX? TE: I once used to be. TE: But that was only getting in the way of my greater purpose as a creator. CG: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD CG: THIS IS LITERALLY THE SCARIEST CONVERSATION I HAVE EVER HAD WITH A PERSON ONLINE, AND THERE ARE GOOD CONTENDERS FOR THAT ROLE, SUCH AS CONVERSATIONS WITH A CUEBALL PEDOPHILE AND AN INSANE JUGGALO. CG: NOW IF YOU'LL ALLOW ME TO JUST GET ALL ABOARD THE NOPE TRAIN TO FUCKTHATVILLE TE: See? TE: That was another meme right there. TE: You are nothing if unreliable. CG: I AM HELLS OF RELIABLE CG: I AM SO RELIABLE YOU HAVE NO IDEA. CG: I LITERALLY WON SGRUB ALL BY MYSELF, WITH ONLY MINIMAL HELP FROM MY FRIENDS, EXCEPT FOR THE CASE OF THE BATTLEMENTS. CG: AND ONE DAY I AM GOING TO WIN YOUR ENTIRE EARTH FOR MYSELF. CG: I ALREADY SPLIT THE CONTINENTS BETWEEN ME AND MY FRIENDS. TE: Just the Karkat Vantas that the fangirls know and love. CG: YOU CLAIM TO BE MY LORD, BUT YOU ARE ONLY PREPARING YOURSELF FOR THE INEVITABLE FACT THAT I WILL BE YOUR LORD, FOREVER AND EVER. CG: IT IS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME.

LOADING SCREEN 1 ==> 117 TE: Ah, the self-defense. TE: You are getting beyond your point, though. TE: All I'm asking you for is to go and read Homestuck, the story of John and co., for yourself. TE: You don't even have to read all of it. TE: I will be satisfied if you can read fifty pages of it. CG: ALRIGHT, BUT THEN IT IS FIFTY AND NO MORE. CG: (AND NO LESS, SO YOU KNOW I DIDN'T CHEAT.) TE: As you wish. TE: Go to this link, that you were so willing to copy and paste for everyone in your little team: TE: CG: http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=003892 TE: Then click on "Start Over". CG: OH GOD, HOW AWFUL I LOOK WITHOUT ARMS AND WITH A FLAT FACE. CG: OKAY, AND? CG: THERE'S THIS ASSHOLE WITHOUT ARMS THAT IS DRAWN JUST LIKE ME, AND? TE: This is Homestuck. TE: Oh, and one last thing: TE: I will not be attending to online chat once this conversation ends, so the best way to apprehend me, if you have any questions, is in person. TE: Just go to Easthampton, Massachusetts, and I'll be almost guaranteed to find you there, if only because you are an alien, but probably also due to a small amount of luck. TE: Now, if you excuse me, I have a commotion to attend to in my town. TE: Cheers, Karkat.

-- timelessExpanse [TE] ceased pestering canceroGeneticist [CG] --

CG: JUST LEAVING LIKE THAT???? CG: COME BACK HERE YOU FILTHY GODLIKE SCUM CG: OH WHO AM I KIDDING YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO GET BACK TO ME. CG: ALRIGHT, FINE. CG: I'LL READ YOUR HOMESTUCK IF YOU REALLY WANT ME TO. CG: JUST LEAVE ME ALONE, KAY? CG: UNDERSTOOD? CG: UNDERSTOOD.

Karkat Vantas stared at the pesterlog that just occurred for minutes, possibly hours. For the first time ever since Sgrub, he was scared to make a next move, and therefore he simply let time pass behind him, as he stared in shock, mouth open, like he was known to.

After what seemed like forever, though, he finally gathered all his courage and began reading the Homestuck thing. He made it very clear to himself, though, that he was going to read exactly fifty pages of it. No more, no less.

He began marking a tally on the same paper where he had just written the names of all his friends, starting with the very first page with the creepy armless human in his human bedroom, and clicked on the second page, apparently titled "Enter name."

118 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One Chapter I.13. In the Middle of Packing

"QUOTE, MARK TWAIN. YOU ARE ALMOST CERTAIN MARK TWAIN SAID THAT. AS IF ANYONE REALLY CARES WHAT THE MARK TWAIN HUMAN DID AND DID NOT SAY. ALRIGHT." Karkat finally crossed the fiftieth and last dash on his tally and shut off the MS Paint Adventures website for good. "PHEW. I SHOULD REALLY CELEBRATE THE FACT THAT I ACTUALLY READ FIFTY PAGES OF HOMESTUCK. AND, SPEAKING OF THIS, I AM REALLY HUNGRY, NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT. WHAT IS AROUND HERE?"

He looked around his dorm. There was not too much to eat, and the few products that were around looked spoiled. Therefore, if he really wanted to eat something, he would need to go to the local Walmart and use "the human liquid concept of money" to buy something that could be edible right on the spot, like potato chips and Coca-Cola.

Shrugging, he began packing for yet another unwelcome intrusion into the outside world when he realized one thing:

He couldn't quite get Homestuck out of his mind.

The images of John Egbert, the young man standing in his bedroom, kept passing in his mind, along with the date: April 13th, 2009. Truly something must've been going on if the comic's beginning date coincided with the date when Karkat and his friends took a step on the planet which fit many different descriptions but only one name of Earth.

Supposing that the whole trip to the outside world and defending himself from ignorant alien people could come later, Karkat stopped in the middle of packing, took his trustworthy notebook once again, and began writing.

"APRIL 13, 2017

HOMESTUCK.

WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN? IT'S SUCH AN AWFUL CONCEPT THAT I'M HONESTLY EVEN SHOCKED TO KNOW IT EXISTS. A HUMAN PERSON IS STUCK IN HIS HOUSE AND THAT IS WHAT THE COMIC IS ABOUT? REALLY? WELL, TO BE TECHNICAL, WE DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT HE IS STUCK IN HIS HOUSE. HE DOESN'T LEAVE THE HOUSE IN FIFTY PAGES, BUT THE DOOR DOESN'T APPEAR TO BE LOCKED. REALLY, IT'S AN IRRELEVANT METAPHOR AND I SHOULD STOP CARING ABOUT IT.

ALRIGHT, SO THE STORY OF ME IS THIS. I HAD DISCOVERED A THING CALLED HIVEBENT WHEN I WAS TRYING TO GOOGLE MY NAME, BECAUSE FOR THE EIGHT HUMAN SWEEPS (APPARENTLY, AS FRIENDS WILL KEEP MENTIONING TO ME, TODAY IS THE EIGHT HUMAN SWEEP ANNIVERSARY OF US BEING LANDED ON THIS SCUMBALL THAT IS APPARENTLY NAMED THE EARTH) I HAD NEVER HAD THE BRILLIANT IDEA. THE MATTER THAT PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT ME WAS VERY URGENT, AND I MESSAGED MY OTHER ELEVEN COMRADES ABOUT IT, AND TURNS OUT – BIG SURPRISE – THEY'RE ALL DOUCHEBAGS THAT CAN'T TAKE A MATTER LIKE THIS SERIOUSLY.

JUST WHEN I HAD MY HOPES COMPLETELY DOWN, THIS FUCKER CALLED "TIMELESSEXPANSE" SHOWED UP OUT OF NOWHERE. APPARENTLY, HE IS THE SAME AS THE ANDREW GUY WHO WROTE HIVEBENT, EXCEPT,

LOADING SCREEN 1 ==> 119 YOU SEE, THE ADVENTURE IS ACTUALLY CALLED HOMESTUCK AND WE TWELVE ARE ONLY AN INSIGNIFICANT PART OF IT. OVERALL, THE ENTIRETY OF THE THINGS THAT HE SAID MADE NO SENSE, BUT JUST FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES, I OFFERED HIM TO READ FIFTY (AND PRECISELY FIFTY; I MARKED THAT SHIT DOWN) PAGES JUST SO HE WOULD SHUT UP. HE DID, BUT APPARENTLY TO GET BACK TO HIM, I'LL ACTUALLY HAVE TO TRAVEL TO HIS PLACE IN EASTHAMPTON, WHEREVER THAT IS. YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M PROBABLY GOING TO DO IT, BECAUSE THIS IS A REALLY, REALLY URGENT MATTER.

ALRIGHT, I'VE BEEN AT THIS ENOUGH; LET'S TALK ABOUT THE PLOT. THE PLOT, AS OF FIFTY PAGES, APPEARS TO BE THIS: A HUMAN IDIOT NAMED JOHN EGBERT, WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE STUCK AT HIS HOME, IS STRUGGLING WITH THE FACT THAT HE IS STUCK AT THE GAME THAT SOMEONE ELSE IS PLAYING. ALSO, HE IS STRUGGLING WITH THE FACT THAT HE IS A COMPLETE IDIOT AND DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO CODE FOR SHIT. (WELL, I'M NOT EXACTLY AN EXPERT AT CODE EITHER SO I SHOULDN'T BE SO QUICK TO JUDGE HIM, BUT SHH. THE MATTER STILL STANDS THAT HE'S AN IDIOT.)

THE JOHN IDIOT THEN IS APPARENTLY "PESTERED" (VIA THE BACKWARDS APP CALLED PESTERCHUM, WHICH I HAVE UNFORTUNATELY BEEN USING SINCE TROLLIAN IS NOT A THING YET, NOR IT MIGHT BE IN MY LIFETIME) BY HIS OWN FRIEND, SOMEONE CALLED "TURNTECHGODHEAD". TG IS APPARENTLY MUCH MORE ADVANCED AT THIS STUFF THAN JOHN IS, AND ALLOWS JOHN TO PROGRESS THROUGH THE RUNGS OF THE UNRULY GAME SYSTEM BY ALLOWING HIM TO ACQUIRE A "STRIFE SPECIBUS". HOWEVER, TG HAS ALSO BEEN INFLUENCING JOHN NEGATIVELY, SINCE HE WANTS JOHN TO ACCEPT HIS OWN TWISTED BACKWARDS STYLE OF LIKING THINGS WHICH IS BULLSHIT, AND EVEN I CAN AGREE ON THAT.

JOHN EVENTUALLY HEADS OUT, APPARENTLY TO COLLECT THE NEW GAME THAT EVERYONE'S GOING ON ABOUT. HOWEVER, THESE FIFTY PAGES ARE THEN TAKEN UP BY VARIOUS SHENANIGANS, AND AFTER THEM WE PRETTY MUCH HAVE ACHIEVED ZERO THINGS. YOU THINK THAT BY FIFTY PAGES OF A NORMAL COMIC (PREFERABLY ONE THAT HAS BEEN PAINSTAKINGLY INSCRIBED WITH BLOOD OF CULLED WRIGGLERS ON AN ACTUAL PIECE OF HUMAN PAPER), THE PLOT WOULD ALREADY BE GOING ON FULL FUCKING FORCE, BUT NO! LET'S JUST GET ON WITH MORE BULLSHIT THAT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING, AND NOT INTRODUCE THE AMAZING LEADER OF TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY UNTIL SOME TWO THOUSAND PAGES!

I AM OUT OF WORDS. I MUST SPEAK WITH THE ANDREW PERSON ON THE VIOLATION OF PRIVACY AND ME BEING IN A COMIC THAT IS COMPLETE SHIT THAT DOESN'T DESERVE TO BE ON THE INTERNET ANYWAY, BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE EASTHAMPTON IS, OR HOW LONG IT'LL TAKE. I WILL, HOWEVER, TRY MY BEST AND GET THERE JUST SO I CAN END THIS THING ONCE AND FOR ALL.

SINCERELY, KARKAT VANTAS."

Karkat looked over what he had written. Suddenly, his thoughts had become very real once they were on written form, and he was actually willing to take action. He immediately looked up where Easthampton is, and once he had seen it on a computer screen, he was able to develop thoughts about the distance to cover and the methods by which to cover the distance.

Unfortunately, since the human buses wouldn't allow him in, he had to make the journey on foot.

He returned to complete the matter at hand. He finished packing his stuff, put on a light coat, locked his dorm's room from the outside and began stepping towards what was going to be a very long journey.

120 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One Chapter I.14. Cosplayer

Karkat Vantas woke up, brushed the dirt off his pants, and looked around wherever he had fallen asleep.

It appeared to be a highway running through a field. One wouldn't typically find themselves in such a location, unless they were on a boring road trip, and even then they'd be going across the land at the speed limit. It was also much less likely for someone to wake up in this place, unless they were drunk, and Karkat wasn't drinking, because he knew what such substances would do to a human, and feared for what they might do to a troll.

All in all, Karkat was immediately confused, and only after a while, he gathered what he had gotten into. After leaving his dorm, he made sure to gather food supplies for a long trip, then quickly looked up Easthampton, Massachusetts on Google Maps and started walking towards the area. He had been walking for quite a time, since his legs were still aching, but unfortunately, the place still seemed so far away.

Karkat decided to just suck it and continued walking in a pointless manner.

Karkat finally stepped next to a nice shaded bench, dropped his stuff and sat down.

This surely must have been the end. By checking Google Maps, he was sure that he was now in Easthampton. However, now he didn't know where the Andrew guy lived, and couldn't begin making plans to meet him. So, essentially, the entire trip was pointless and Karkat needed to come back to Boston. Not to mention, he actually had to skip several lessons to take on this ridiculous trip and would be shouted at by his teachers.

And yet, in other ways, he felt enlightened. Walks like this turned out to be very time-consuming, and Karkat did not get by without hitch-hiking for a bit. There was definitely hitch-hiking involved; otherwise the walk would have taken upwards of 30 hours, not including sleep times, and now Karkat was there only after 26 or so. In fact, he was pretty sure it was 26 hours: he took off yesterday 11 AM, arrived today 1 PM, and there are 24 hours in a day. After a bit of complicated calculations, any idiot could have figured out it was 26 hours.

Though, wouldn't an idiot be someone who couldn't have figured it out? Karkat realized that he had been misusing a lot of insults because he felt ornery, as a form of self-defense.

How did Andrew know it was self-defense? Karkat was confused by everything relating to Andrew and Homestuck. Was his life really given to the readers of Homestuck on a plate, just as John's was, apparently? Did Karkat really need to read more than fifty pages of Homestuck to learn about it? These questions needed to be answered right now.

Karkat was about to stop thinking about Homestuck when he heard an excited female voice. "Oh hey, someone's cosplaying as Karkat!" the stranger had shouted, putting Karkat to shock.

LOADING SCREEN 1 ==> 121 How. Seriously. Now, a complete stranger somehow had known the troll, yet... "cosplaying"? This immediately demanded inquiry. Karkat looked up at the stranger – surely enough, she looked like any other girl that one could find in the land – and angrily shouted to her: "HOLY SHIT HOW."

"What, you don't know how you cosplayed? You surely must know! Facepaint, contact lenses..." She didn't know that she was not supposed to be excited around Karkat.

"OH, THOSE THINGS THAT ONE WOULD NEED TO PRETEND TO BE A HUMAN. I HAVE NO INTENTION OF PRETENDING TO BE A HUMAN, THOUGH."

"Pretending to be a troll, you mean. A troll from Homestuck."

"LISTEN, NO ONE WANTS TO PRETEND TO BE A TROLL, UNLESS THEY WANT TO BE CULLED IMMEDIATELY. KANAYA TOLD ME ABOUT THESE "TROLLSONA" THINGS ALREADY."

"So cool. Am I talking to a roleplayer, or am I talking to a real Homestuck character?"

Karkat was able to pick up on the webcomic's name, and immediately pushed the conversation in a direction of his own. "HEY. HEY, IF YOU KNOW OF THE HOMESTUCK THAT ANDREW MADE."

"Yes, I know of the Homestuck that Andrew Hussie made."

"COULD YOU PLEASE GUIDE ME. TO THE ANDREW HUSSIE HUMAN'S HOME?"

"Yup! Funnily enough, I had learned about where he lives yesterday. There was this commotion with a Caliborn and Calliope cosplayer, and then they both were taken in by Hussie to his home. I know precisely where they went to!"

"HOLY SHIT. CALIBORN? CALLIOPE? WHO THE HELL ARE THEY? AND WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING "COSPLAYER"?" Karkat honestly had gotten more questions than had them answered by this conversation.

"You don't know? Caliborn and Calliope are from Homestuck, just as Karkat is!"

"DID YOU JUST REFER TO ME IN THIRD PERSON???" This was a full-on battle, Karkat had already declared.

"It isn't you, though! It's just the character you're cosplaying as!"

"LOOK, JUST GUIDE ME TO WHERE HUSSIE'S HOME IS. I WANT TO HAVE A WORD WITH HIM."

"Okie dokie!" Karkat stood up, picked up his schoolbag full of supplies, and walked to wherever the excited girl led him.

122 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One They finally chanced upon a two-story mansion. Andrew Hussie must have been really rich, Karkat thought. Could he somehow earn money from making Homestuck? Karkat was pretty sure that he, on the MS Paint Adventures site, had seen a link called "Shop". Was the shop in question really so extensive? And, most importantly of all, how many people knew of Homestuck? These questions needed answering right now, and most likely Andrew was the right guy to hit up.

"Though, I don't remember this house having two floors before..."

"HOLY SHIT. YOU MEAN THIS HOUSE GAINED AN EXTRA FLOOR OVERNIGHT?"

"I'm not too sure, but anything could happen, right? Stranger things have happened in Hussie's vicinity. Were you around when Homestuck hit the Gigapause?"

"GIGA-WHAT?"

"The Gigapause. Oh, you were one of those later Homestuck fans? You must be lucky, then."

"LOOK, I DON'T NEED YOU ANYMORE. I ONLY NEED HUSSIE NOW. NOW LEAVE ME ALONE." Karkat didn't feel like talking to the stranger anymore, and she complied with leaving him.

Karkat attempted opening the door, but it turned out it was locked. Sighing, he gathered all the courage and mangrit in him and slammed the doorbell, almost ripping it off. END OF LOADING SCREEN 1

LOADING SCREEN 1 ==> 123

STAGE 3 ==>

Chapter 3.1. Talking to Himself

Andrew Hussie was already preparing lunch for his guests when he heard his doorbell ring. He didn't want to open the doors to a complete stranger who just so happened to be a Homestuck fan, but walked towards his door anyway. He figured that he must have checked if it was...

...oh cool, it was. Hussie immediately proceeded to unlock the door for the new member of his tour through Homestuck. He unlocked the door to see Karkat, who was a bit startled by the door opening, but nevertheless could ask: "IS THIS ANDREW HUSSIE?"

"Yup. Andrew Hussie, the creator of Homestuck. And you must be Karkat Vantas?"

"YES, I'M INDEED KARKAT VANTAS, THE AMAZING LEADER OF MY TEAM. BUT THEN IT TURNED OUT THE TEAM WAS FULL OF IDIOTS, SO I DISCARDED IT."

"But I thought you said they were the best of the best Alternia could offer?"

"NO, THEY WERE A COMPLETE ROMANTIC MESS THAT SOMEHOW HAD GATHERED TO A NICE NUMBER OF TWELVE. BUT THE NUMBER IS AS NICE AS THE TEAM IS, WHICH IT WAS NOT. REALLY, THIRTEEN WOULD HAVE BEEN EVEN BETTER, BUT THE THING WAS ALREADY OVER LONG AGO, SO REALLY FUCK IT AND FUCK ME. FUCK IT AND FUCK ME SO HARD THAT I JUST PLAIN WAKE UP BACK AT ALTERNIA, IT TURNS OUT EVERYTHING IS A DREAM, AND I CAN JUST GO ON WITH MY LIFE KNOWING THAT I WILL BE CULLED FOR BEING A MUTANT OR SOME FUCK UP LIKE THAT." Karkat really had to deliver a tantrum right now. The travel from Boston to here had really gotten to him.

"HOLY SHIT. I THINK I LIKE THIS GuY." Caliborn quickly went over to where Hussie and Karkat were, and looked over the new invitee. He immediately began commenting on Karkat's appearance: "HE IS AN ALIEN. LIKE ME. AND HE IS WORKED uP ALL THE TIME. ALSO LIKE ME."

"DON'T FORGET THAT I AM AN AMAZING LEADER." Karkat felt the need to add this, since that always went first on his biography.

"LIKE I'M NOT. THOuGH, I ASPIRE TO BE. DOES THAT COuNT?"

"YOU KNOW WHAT, GOOD ENOUGH. AND BY GOOD ENOUGH I MEAN BETTER THAN THE SHITSTAINS I ARRIVED HERE WITH."

"OTP. 'Nuff said." Hussie couldn't believe that the idea of Karkat and Caliborn interacting never came to him. However, he was interrupted because he had to attend to John and Rose, who were wondering what the commotion was about.

STAGE 3 ==> 125 "i hear a lot of shouting. is calidouche talking to himself?" John wondered aloud, not seeing the scene. Rose, who was in the projector room with him, answered: "No, I think that a similarly ornery person is around."

"really? is there someone who is as shouty as calidouche? i MUST check this out."

"On the contrary, if there were two aliens disgusted with humans that wanted me dead, I would stay put."

John and Rose's discussion was stopped by Karkat barging into the projector room. Karkat immediately began shouting: "OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD"

"What?" To Rose, this definitely seemed like an alien who didn't belong to the same species as Caliborn, and she had already had enough of Caliborn's peculiarities. She just wouldn't be able to bring herself to it if she had to analyze two alien species simultaneously.

"YOU MEAN THE JOHN HUMAN ACTUALLY EXISTS?" Karkat practically continued his freak-out from the last time.

"what is wrong with me?" John was left clueless by the peculiar new alien.

"YOU'RE A PART OF HOMESTUCK... AND YET YOU'RE RIGHT HERE!"

"Yup. Most Homestuck characters are actually things in real life." Andrew came into the projector room, carrying lunch prepared for each visitor, and placed them on the coffee table. He at least expected that he got the lunch for each Homestuck character right.

"UGH, CAN YOU JUST START FROM THE BEGINNING? MY HEAD IS GETTING DIZZY FIGURING OUT THIS HOMESTUCK SHIT."

"Alright." Hussie sighed, then began. "The Homestuck characters are apparently around here, in this universe. Your group, John's group and Calliope and Caliborn. Haven't figured out the rest."

"I CAN SEE THAT ALREADY, FUCKWIT." Karkat sat down. "ANYWAY, WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING HERE?"

"BEING JERKASSES TO EACH OTHER. BuT ESPECIALLY ME AND THE HuSSIE PERSON." Caliborn finally returned.

"Reading Homestuck. Hey, we read exactly fifty pages up to this point." Hussie wanted to interrupt Caliborn, but couldn't bring himself to until the malevolent cherub was already finished.

"YOU'VE BEEN PLANNING THIS, HUSSIE. DON'T LIE TO ME. YOU ALSO TOLD ME TO READ FIFTY PAGES."

"Actually, you told yourself to read exactly that much. I was just throwing a number around as an example."

126 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN YOU'RE SO SMUG." Karkat was so close to being fed up with this guy, no matter how curious he was about his work.

"YOU'LL HAVE TO GET uSED TO SHIT LIKE THIS. SEE, HE WANTS uS TO READ HOMOSuCK." Caliborn offered a word of advice to his fellow alien.

"BUT I THOUGHT IT WAS HOMESTUCK?"

"IT'S MuCH MORE NATuRAL TO CALL IT HOMOSuCK. BELIEVE ME. ALRIGHT, NOW LET'S GET TO EATING THIS HuMAN THING." Caliborn sat down at his lunch and began eating even more rudely than it was humanly possible.

"ALRIGHT, WHATEVER." Karkat sat down next to Caliborn and looked over the food. "GOD, THESE SUPPLIES WERE REALLY NOT WORTH IT. THIS FOOD LOOKS MUCH MORE DELICIOUS."

"well, i don't know." John was also about to sit down, but still wanted to share a last comment. "have you been living with your parents?"

"THE FUCK? I DON'T HAVE ANY HUMAN PARENTS. YOU MEAN MY LUSUS? YEAH, HE WAS LEFT BEHIND IN SGRUB."

"What on Earth is a lusus?" Rose wondered.

"A MONSTER THAT LOOKS AFTER YOU IN YOUR EARLY DAYS. MAY BE SMALL, MAY BE BIG."

"Well, if you were raised by a literal monster then that would explain your behavior." Rose was the last to sit down and begin eating with the others.

"Well, that's it." Hussie was the last to put down his food. It was mostly junk food, which would explain his stature, which looked as if he was going to become sick and die at any time now. However, this was only an outside shell, and in reality Hussie was a literal authorly god who didn't really need eating. He simply ate because he felt like it, and because it would have been weird if he didn't.

"Well, at least you got the basic details down." Rose spoke up, having enjoyed her food. It was as if Hussie had known all her favorite dishes.

"yup! the food matches our personalities." John agreed.

"WELL, YEAH. THAT'S NICE, I SUPPOSE." Karkat also agreed, however, he was much more reluctant.

STAGE 3 ==> 127 "WELL FuCKING ALRIGHT. IF YOu ALL ARE POSITIVE. I WILL ALSO BE POSITIVE. I LIKED IT." Caliborn felt a bit peculiar, as if his personality was changing. He made sure to turn back into the asshole he is at a first chance.

"So... Homestuck?" Hussie inquired.

"yes."

"Yes."

"FuCKING ALRIGHT."

"WELL, THEN I'LL JOIN TOO. WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN?" Karkat looked over at the projector, where the 50th page of Homestuck had come to haunt him, and his attention was caught by a mouse cursor which went onto the 51st blue link. Chapter 3.2. Dying Twice or Thrice

"John: Toss GameBro into fire." Rose had remembered the role of being the reader for the group. Karkat, though, was immediately annoyed by this choice, and immediately commented: "WHO LET YOU DO THAT."

"Who let me do what?"

"BE THE READER. IS YOUR VOICE SO AMAZING THAT OTHERS MAGICALLY PAY ATTENTION TO HOMESTUCK?"

"I only read because no one else is up to the task." Rose responded and went on to thinking about the page presented to her and her friends, including the newfound ornery alien that somehow was vastly different from their current ornery alien.

John, on the other hand, didn't care about either ornery alien. He simply was glad for the fact that GameBro was now dying for good, even though the pages of the magazine full of complete drivel – one could even say it was full of complete bullshit – were burning rather slowly, just mirroring the way the comic was progressing. "who makes magazines out of asbestos anyway?"

"Who makes anything out of asbestos?" Hussie snapped back and went on through the comic.

John looked over the page, not really feeling the spirit of Homestuck. "i thought i already said that my nanna was alive."

"Well, the comic works by different rules than your real life. I hope you appreciate that." Hussie really wanted John to be at least somewhat smarter.

"The real life still features likenesses of Homestuck characters, though, putting your statement to doubt." Rose wondered if a Matrix-like setting was in fact in place, where Homestuck and real life just blended seamlessly. Though, the meta thought immediately made her sick and she gestured towards Hussie, as if asking him to go to the next page, and he did.

128 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One John looked over the toppled urn and frowned. Surely, this was food for thought for...

His thoughts were interrupted by Caliborn. "YuP. ZOOSMELL POOPLORD SHOWS HIS BEING AN IDIOT ONCE AGAIN."

"REALLY AN UNWORTHY MODEL FOR THE MANY TEENAGERS AROUND THE WORLD THAT READ HOMESTUCK." Karkat and Caliborn kept acting like a couple, for some reason.

"YOu ARE TRuLY AMAZING. I WISH I KNEW YOu EARLIER."

"HAHA, ME TOO. LET'S JUST KEEP OUR CONTACTS FOREVER SO THAT WE NEVER LOSE EACH OTHER. AN ALIEN LIKE YOU IS SIMPLY TOO GOOD TO LOSE."

"seriously? both the ornery aliens are against me?" John finally found it within himself to voice his disgust.

"AND NOT ANY OTHER WAY." Caliborn commented.

"PRECISELY." It was almost as if Caliborn and Karkat had been finishing each other's sentences.

Realizing that the comment went on for long enough, Hussie clicked on the next page. Oh, if only he knew that he was doing this only this one time. The people then watched as the comic's John put a pipe in his mouth, apparently to better disguise himself in front of his dad.

"Sometimes I pray for your wits." Rose blandly commented. Her response very clearly had a sarcastic vibe to it.

"oh no... you're converting to their side? rose!" John shook Rose, as if she was dying. He couldn't take sarcasm all that well.

"No need for over-reaction. We're still friends. This was just a sarcastic comment." Rose pulled herself out of the shake, feeling bad for even using such a technique while John was listening.

"huh." John was about to sympathize with Rose, but noticed that Caliborn had already taken it up to see the next page for himself, wondering what on Earth did John deserve to be gifted such a tremendous present. It was most likely a prank, almost everyone thought.

"i have a bad feeling about this." John frowned at the hypothetical future events.

"IF IT'S GOING TO HARM YOu IN SOME WAY. THEN I'M ALL uP FOR IT." Caliborn had his eyes at the projection when he clicked on the next page, only to see a ridiculous clown- er, harlequin doll. Hussie had really known how to teach intentionally awkward terms to people.

"WELL, THAT WAS DISAPPOINTING." Karkat leaned towards Caliborn.

"ONE WONDERS. THAT MAYBE ACTuALLY JOHN IS THE PROTAGONIST." Caliborn was expecting the worse.

STAGE 3 ==> 129 "So much shouting." Rose couldn't catch a breath when either Karkat or Caliborn dropped their comments.

"yup. and i thought one ornery alien was bad enough."

"HAHA. TRY ELEVEN ALIENS THAT ARE DISRESPECTFUL TOWARDS THEIR AMAZING LEADER." Karkat showed John, Rose and Hussie who's the boss here.

"WELL. TRY ONE ALIEN. WHO IS PRACTICALLY YOuR POLAR OPPOSITE." Caliborn stepped the game up.

"Well, try over one hundred webcomic characters (a majority of them aliens, of course) who can't get their problems right before dying twice or thrice. And worst of all, try having yourself among these characters." Aaaaaaaaaaand Hussie conclusively won.

Hussie, Karkat and Caliborn simply stood there in awe. The webcomic's creator, for example had already forgotten to click on the next page, and that role had to be taken by John, who wanted to see it more, if only because the game mechanics were now given more detail.

"Strange that everything has to fit within the realm of the game." Rose looked at the page, feeling a sense of the law of conversation of detail.

"Because obviously we need to showcase every little detail of the game. Bid it a farewell before it becomes irrelevant." Hussie really needed to quit spoiling Homestuck for everyone. Realizing what he just did, he simply clicked on the next page, wanting to forget about this conversation. However, something much worse happened: the next page made Caliborn laugh.

After he was done laughing, John responded: "and guess what. your game does a piss-poor job of fixing stuff like this. so really whatever."

"GUESS WHO YOU SHOULDN'T BE TRUSTING THEN."

"THE ANSWER, OF COuRSE. IS ZOOSMELL POOPLORD HIMSELF." Caliborn and Karkat ended up high-fiving each other over the fact that they agreed that John was an imbecile.

"this will have to stop in one way or another." John concluded. He already knew that Caliborn could be satiated in some way. Stopping two aliens at the same time was going to be harder, but John could only hope that it could be done, or else he would suffer the consequences.

130 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One Chapter 3.3. Tommy Wiseau

"JOHN: PUT URN BACK." Karkat read. Predictably, Rose was disgusted by this move. She commented: "I thought you had agreed that I should be the reader?"

"BELIEVE ME, I'M JUST TRYING SHIT OUT. MAYBE IF I READ HOMESTUCK, PEOPLE WILL LISTEN MORE."

"I AM ALREADY LISTENING." Caliborn immediately complemented Karkat.

"SEE????"

"I am still unsure of the sudden change." Rose leaned back and wondered what sort of shenanigans John was going to get himself into. Unfortunately, this page showed no difference from the previous one, but the next one was surely going to be interesting. Therefore, Karkat clicked on the blue link and continued reading, overlooking the page that showed John back in his room, getting the fake arms out of the cake.

"YUP, THOSE FAKE ARMS WHICH WERE JUST THERE TO FACILITATE THE IDIOTIC FACT THAT YOU WON'T DRAW ARMS FOR YOUR CHARACTERS ARE MAKING A POINT AGAIN." Karkat's rants practically spoke for themselves.

"A hilarious point." Hussie added.

"CORRECTION. A HILARIOUSLY STUPID POINT. OH, AND THANK GOD FOR THE MESSAGE. SO THE HILARIOUSLY STUPID POINT IS POSTPONED."

"uh? i think the third and fourth walls of the room are next."

"WHATEVER." Karkat eagerly waited for the next comic panel to show, and as John correctly guessed, his room was now shown from a different vantage point, showing more posters.

"Because we really needed to see more movie posters which weren't worth discussing." Rose really wanted the comic to take a more serious direction right now.

"matthew mcconaughey is AWESOME." John, on the other hand...

"I BET YOu'D SAY. THAT TOMMY WISEAu IS AWESOME AS WELL." Caliborn had decided to play with John's emotions for the scene.

"thanks for the recommendation!"

"Holy shit." Hussie swore that John's movie style was as bad as Jake's.

He steered clear from mentioning Jake, though, since it would only have raised more questions. And, as the point stood, Acts 1 to 5 still needed to be completed before Jake could be mentioned, and progression, as painful as it was, seemed to remain consistent throughout the two days when Hussie's characters read Homestuck.

STAGE 3 ==> 131 And thus, the progression took the readers to John's computer, where someone named "tentacleTherapist" had dropped him a message. Rose thus sighed. "Well, I suppose it's time to confront my alternate in that case."

"HOLY SHIT. YOUR ALTERNATE? HOW MANY PEOPLE AROUND HERE ARE HOMESTUCK CHARACTERS?" Karkat still needed reassurance after his own separate revelation.

"All of them."

Karkat dropped his jaw, as per the iconic reaction image that was already widely known by the Homestuck fandom. Once he gathered himself and came back to his senses, he asked: "BUT I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE AUTHOR?"

"I am a character as well."

"WHOOPS. SuDDENLY MARY SuE ALERT." Caliborn had caught some word of trollfics, but only knew them to the point where any self-insert seemed like a Mary Sue/Gary Stu to him.

"Let's scope out alternate Rose first, though." Hussie announced as he was careful to open another pesterlog as slowly as the computer would allow him, which was not that slow at all.

And, if things weren't already bad enough for Caliborn, Rose already had a comment on her depiction in the comic. "Unfortunately, this younger version of me is unaware of the precise ramifications of the quadruple friendship, including that the friendship will persist independently of Dave being an insufferable prick."

"OR YOu BEING AN ANNOYING BLABBERBROAD?" Hussie giggled a bit at Caliborn's composition of insults.

However, Karkat, the all-time expert on cursing on two planets, wasn't so sure that this particular wording was well-dignified. "WE'LL NEED TO BRAINSTORM INSULTS THE OTHER DAY."

John, on the other hand, had completely different things in mind, in particular about the fact that he wore the funny disguise in the comic and Rose somehow knew. "though, how did you know that i..."

"You do this way too much, John. I just know that whenever you confront your father, you always make it out as if you're not you. It fails miserably every time."

"huh." John guessed that the comic's world and the real world weren't that different after all, and decided to take the story further all by himself. Though, the early Homestuck fans apparently didn't want the story to progress at all, as a command like this could very reasonably be omitted.

"WHAT DOES THIS PANEL EVEN DO. WHAT DID THE SuGGESTORS EVEN THINK OF." Caliborn knew.

"SUGGESTORS????"

132 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "LAY IT DOWN, HuSSIE."

"In the early acts, all the commands that you see here were actually suggested by early readers. I quit the practice about a year after beginning Homestuck, though."

"WAIT WHAT." Karkat thought Hussie's statement over, then responded: "YOU MEAN HOMESTUCK'S ACTUALLY BEEN A THING SINCE 2009?"

"Exactly."

"THIS IS SO UNCOOL I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN." Karkat, once again, faced the fact that he needed to suck it up as the next page appeared, featuring John's newest creation. This was truly a time for a "hehehehehehe." from him.

"YUP. AND YOu KNOW WHAT THE SHITTIEST THING IS?" Caliborn was meaning to explain his disgust.

"NO. DROP THE HARDEST FUCKING FACTS ON ME WITH REGARDS TO THE FACT OF THE SHITTIEST THING'S IDENTITY." Karkat and Caliborn continued to behave amorously, for an unexplained reason.

"WE DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THE DOLL ACTuALLY HAS ARMS. SO MAYBE IT COuLD HAVE FOuR ARMS RIGHT NOW. TWO OF THEM LOST. TO HuSSIE'S STuPID ART STYLE."

"At least we're not losing intel on entire scenes due to your stupid art style." Hussie snapped back.

"MY ART STYLE IS BRILLIANT AND YOu KNOW IT. YOu KNOW IT BECAuSE YOU CREATED ME, APPARENTLY."

"Nope. I created the shittiest art style that I could imagine for you."

"I HATE YOu." This was really a breaking point for Caliborn. If that is why everyone told him that his art didn't resemble anything...

"HEY, I HATE HUSSIE TOO. TEAM?" Karkat raised a helping hand, as if it was a metaphor for a greater adventure.

"TEAM." Caliborn agreed and held onto Karkat's hand, for the first time in his life feeling happy about working together with someone, mainly because the someone wasn't a human or a cherub. "BuT DON'T TAKE THAT. AS AN INVITATION FOR ROMANCE. I WANT TO REMAIN CLEAR ON THE ISSuE."

"ROMANCE IS STUPID ANYWAY. ESPECIALLY THE TROLL QUADRANT VARIETY." Karkat continued to hold a grudge against his former culture, but couldn't help that the relationship between him and Caliborn needed to be defined somehow.

STAGE 3 ==> 133 "quadrant?" John remained unfamiliar to the troll terms, but didn't know he wouldn't receive a definitive answer about them in two thousand pages.

"I think you were right about this needing to stop." Rose and John felt like they were getting closer together, as they needed to work as a team to help Karkat and Caliborn's cause. Chapter 3.4. Non-Choice

"John: Inspect burnt paper on the floor."

"FUCK YOU. I WAS READING."

"this is turning out really, really great." For John, everything seemed to continue the progressive spiral of downwards ever since the moment Karkat arrived. Of course, he hadn't caught the wind yet that some people were actually implying that John and Karkat could be material for a couple.

Perhaps this was for the better. In Act 1 of Homestuck, no one really needed to be bothered by the trolls, except everyone who had heard of Homestuck, ever, for whom the trolls were a literal advertising billboard for Homestuck. In fact, who knew that a troll would suddenly barge in on the reading, without warning anyone?

Nevertheless, the trolls, besides Karkat being a pain in the ass and Caliborn's boyfriend, were a non- issue. The real matter at hand was the Toblerone- excuse me, Broblerone advertisement. John agreed with the comic by stating something along the lines of "yup, like game bro, this shit should go straight to the fire.", but then Andrew came back from a brief going out to the kitchen, and yup – there was a real Toblerone bar in his hand.

"YOu MEAN. THAT YOu ACTuALLY LIKE THIS CONFECTIONERY." Caliborn commented.

"Absolutely." Hussie could only give it a grin.

"TALK ABOUT SOMEONE YOU CAN'T TRUST." Karkat concluded and looked at the blue link, which suggested that more irons-

Karkat immediately stopped himself in the middle of thought. He couldn't believe how much the other trolls influenced him over the "eight human sweeps", and this was an issue of concern, since they all, as he had concluded long ago, were unworthy role models who really needed that one time when they were united by their amazing leader.

However, before Karkat could think of anything else, he saw that now, instead of the fireplace, the focus of the comic had turned to the ridiculous probably-four-armed doll.

"luckily, i didn't do anything with it."

"You do have some sense, after all. I'm sure you will go places, John." Rose provided a comforting word, but John was much more interested in finally checking out Sassacre's text.

134 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One However, no one else had wondered about it. As John transferred to reading, an angry comment interrupted his reading. A crabby comment, one could even say.

"SO BASICALLY, BLAH BLAH DRIVEL DRIVEL PROBABLY TEXT THAT IS JUST THERE TO BE TEXT, RATHER THAN TO BE HOMESTUCK." Karkat didn't even bother reading what Colonel Sassacre had written over a hundred years ago.

"YOu MEAN HOMOSuCK." Caliborn corrected him.

"YOU KNOW WHAT, I MIGHT JUST CALL IT THAT."

"That would be a huge mistake, though. Just like calling it Homestruck or something." Hussie had to add.

"homestruck? who even spells it like that?"

"Many idiots." Hussie shrugged and proceeded to the next page.

"Hmm. It's truly a mystery over where John's father could be. I don't know the man all that well." Rose commented, looking over the page and its text.

"YOu DO REALIZE, THOuGH. THAT THIS IS A NON-CHOICE. JOHN WILL GO TO THE STuDY."

"That much is true. Although, it's nice food for thought." Rose shrugged and went on with the rest of the team, which was now looking at John's father's study.

"YUP. MORE OF THESE WORTHLESS JUGGALOS." Karkat didn't want to see a clown since meeting Gamzee.

"Harlequins." Hussie dropped a quick correction.

"WHATEVER. IS THAT RIGHT, GREEN GUY?"

"CALIBORN." The cherub responded. He didn't even realize that he had forgotten to introduce himself once Karkat came.

"SORRY." The troll, even though he was fed up all the time, at least knew when to apologize, and that made him a different type of angry person.

"Anyway." Hussie clicked on the next page, which showed John's father's study's desk in more detail. More possesives in a row was really what this world needed at this very moment, he concluded with chagrin as John wondered the most peculiar object in the room: a can of peanuts.

"i swear, just the sight of them makes me sick." John commented.

"I wonder if this is one of the many objects that your father uses to play tricks with you? Though, I'll admit that such jokes would be fairly rude, especially to one's own son."

STAGE 3 ==> 135 "YEAH. TEACH THAT KID A LESSON UNTIL HE LEARNS SOMETHING." Karkat added.

"No one needed you to add." Rose twisted her mouth into a puzzled expression, and the people around moved on to the hat page.

"YuP. JUST LEAVE THE MAGICIAN'S HAT LIKE THAT." Caliborn was disgusted by everything the comic's version of John had done, so far.

"His father would have likely found out." Rose commented.

"His father won't be returning to this room." Hussie added. He really needed to stop spoiling the comic, but no one seemed to notice.

"now that's a respectable businessman if i ever saw one. definitely NOT a quirky teenager." John smiled at his own invention.

"DO YOU THINK THIS IS ACTUALLY GOING TO WORK????" Karkat rudely laughed.

"yes."

"HOLY SHIT."

"Anyway. Hmm, pipe. Wonder what that's going to be about." To distract everyone from the potential future spoilers, Hussie decided to play along with his audience.

"IT'S A DISGUSTING PART OF THE HUMAN CULTURE, THAT'S WHAT IT IS." Karkat had his own convictions that no one was going to change.

"no way! piped old gentlemen are the best." John countered.

"THAT WAS A TIME WHEN PEOPLE DIDN'T KNOW SMOKING KILLS, ASSHOLE." Perhaps Karkat was trying to integrate himself into the human culture too much. Even when the gray skin and the horns that looked like they were made of candy corn were a dead giveaway, on the Internet, if one disregarded all the capital letters and the strange turns of phrase like "HUMAN SWEEPS", Karkat actually seemed like a reasonable human being.

"Oh, captchalogue card. More scoping out of the game mechanics, I presume?"

"Yup." Hussie, smiling, clicked on the next page, which didn't seem to reveal much. The focus really seemed to be rather intermediate, and Caliborn and Karkat silently wondered if Hussie was considering the pages to be of any value. Therefore, they both gripped the computer mouse at the same time and clicked on the next page.

John in the comic frowned. So did the real John, who couldn't believe his younger self's wits. Rose and Hussie were mildly interested.

136 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One However, Caliborn and Karkat were enjoying the scene more than anything else in Homestuck so far. "OH MY GOD. LOOK WHO'S FAILING AT THIS SYLLADEX THING AGAIN." Caliborn laughed in the face of Misfortune itself yet again.

"NOW THAT'S SOMEONE WHO I WOULDN'T WANT IN MY TEAM. I SWEAR, IF HE WAS IN MY TEAM, HE WOULD PROBABLY HAVE DIED BACK IN SGRUB." Karkat added onto the insult.

"YuP. ZOOSMELL POOPLORD, THE WORST GuY IN THE uNIVERSE."

"TRIES TO LOOK WHIMSICAL AND SERIOUS WITH THAT DISGUISE OF HIS, BUT ENDS UP BEING NEITHER."

"aaaaaAAAAUGH!" John finally shouted out at the scene due to all the anger. Chapter 3.5. Representation of the World

"STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP!" John shouted. No one was reading Homestuck anymore, as Andrew pulled the hands off the mouse of anyone who wanted to touch it, and instead went looking for a pair of speakers.

"STOP WHAT." Caliborn was acting oblivious.

"YEAH. SHOULD WE STOP DISCUSSING HOW YOU ARE AN IDIOT? BECAUSE IF WE DON'T DISCUSS THAT, THE FACT IS STILL GOING TO REMAIN THAT YOU ARE AN AWFUL SHITSTAIN THAT DOESN'T DESERVE BEING THE MAIN CHARACTER OF A WEBCOMIC WHICH SEEMINGLY IS ALL ABOUT THE TROLLS ANYWAY."

"THAT ISN'T THE POINT!!!!!!!!!!!" John was completely out of his senses as of now. "THE POINT IS THAT YOUR DISCUSSING DISTRACTS US ALL FROM HOMESTUCK!" John took a deep breath. "rose, you ARE interested in homestuck, right?"

"No, I'm actually more interested in your complete snapping."

"OH, DON'T WORRY, ROSE. WE'LL DISSECT YOUR PERSONALITY AS WELL. I BET THERE ARE WAY TOO MANY DIRTY SECRETS JUST WAITING TO BE UNCOVERED UNDER THAT FACADE."

"YuP. DON'T THINK YOu'RE COMPLETELY OuT OF THE LOOP, ANNOYING FLIGHTYMOuTH. I BET YOu'RE AS AWFuL. AS ALL THE OTHER HuMANS ARE."

"You do realize that there are awful and brilliant humans, just as there are awful and brilliant cherubim." Rose was meaning to fight back with what she knew how to fight back: pure words.

"BuLLSHIT. THE HuMANS ARE, LIKE, THE WORST OF THE WORST. THEY'RE LIKE A TWO AND A SEVEN ON POKER. FuCK IF ANYONE HAS EVER WON ON POKER WITH A TWO AND A SEVEN."

STAGE 3 ==> 137 "Unlikely, but anything is possible. And besides, poker is a bad analogy, since once you're given a hand, you're not supposed to be able to actually win. The game is more about predicting whether or not you can win, and then not allowing others to know."

"SAME WITH PEOPLE. YOu HAVE TO KNOW WHO IS uSEFuL. AND WHO IS TO BE DISCARDED IMMEDIATELY. SuCH IS THE CASE WITH MY PROVERBIAL TWO AND SEVEN. SuCH IS THE CASE WITH ZOOSMELL POOPLORD."

"On the other hand, a complicated subject as my friend John Egbert carries much more with him than a two and a seven of mismatched suits. For example, he might not be the best at computer programming, but he is willing to try his best nevertheless. In addition, he is funny to have around, and helps me, Dave and Jade be better friends on occasion, when my thick-laid literature becomes of no use."

"WHO NEEDS FRIENDS ANYWAY." Caliborn was really losing the argument, and was willing to reserve the backhanded insults for the very last moments.

"Humans, you know. Or, well, you should know after all the time you spent with humans. While some can achieve great things alone..."

"Like me. I conjured the intrepid fantasyscape of Homestuck, together with all its characters, all by myself."

"...and Andrew Hussie here is the prime example of that, most of us gather in teams to achieve better. For example, the Internet itself, along with the many inventions that surround us right at this very moment, would be impossible without persistent teamwork."

"BuLLSHIT. HOW CAN SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS THE INTERNET BE CONSTRuED SO DIFFICuLTLY. YOu HAVE ONE COMPuTER. YOu HAVE ANOTHER COMPuTER. YOu CONNECT THEM. AND BAM. THE INTERNET."

"No, that is only a localized network. And if your solution to that is plug in more computers, you eventually run into issues, for example, the accessibility of files on different computers. Hey, what if I wanted to connect to the growing network from across the ocean? Didn't you think that you needed something, such as optic fiber, to connect these places?"

"BLAH. YOu LOST ME. THE INTERNET SHOuLDN'T BE THAT DIFFICuLT ANYWAY. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO READ THINGS SuCH AS HOMOSuCK SIMPLY."

"That's what the Homestuck books are for." Hussie commented, just to help the case against Caliborn, even if that meant he was lying a bit.

"rose, i didn't know you knew that much about computers. perhaps you should be the computer girl and i should be the sociosopher."

"Sociologist." Rose swore that John could never get her major's name right. "Well, that is not what predestination is about. You were meaning to become a programmer; I was simply gathering

138 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One knowledge from various sources which allowed me to conceive a greater and more accurate representation of the world around me."

"SEE, ANNOYING FLIGHTYMOuTH. THIS IS WHY I HATE YOu. BECAuSE YOu'RE LITERALLY MAKING ME FALL ASLEEP OVER YOuR STuFF. LIKE, LITERALLY ZZZZZZZZZZZ. uH. ALL OVER THIS." Much to everyone's surprise, Caliborn was actually not feeling all that well, probably due to another quirk of cherub biology. Hussie made sure to tend to him, carrying him to his dedicated room on the second floor and dropping him onto his hard bed.

"SO. WHAT WAS THIS ARGUMENT EVEN ABOUT? AND BESIDES, IF I WANT TO READ HOMESTUCK, I COULD READ IT ALL ALONE. SO, IF YOU EXCUSE ME, I'LL BE HEADING BACK TO BOSTON."

"WAIT!" John suddenly remembered. "we're actually starting a reading project for homestuck over the internet, if you won't stay around here that longer."

"BECAUSE THAT IS PRECISELY WHAT I NEED, RIGHT? READING HOMESTUCK WITH MORE IDIOTS?"

"I think that my exposition, standing on its own, serves to prove that not all members of the species Homo sapiens are idiots." While Rose posited her own opinion, John quickly wrote "#homestuck_character_support_group" on the Toblerone case that Hussie had left behind, and gave it to Karkat.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?"

"oh! it's a memo on pesterchum."

"YOU MEAN YOU ACTUALLY USE PESTERCHUM?"

"yup! it's a classic, as far as chat clients go."

"HOLY SHIT. I THOUGHT MY TROUPE WERE THE ONLY ONES. WELL, BESIDES THE GREAT GRAY MASS THAT WANTS TO PRETEND TO BE MY TROUPE. YOU WON'T BELIEVE HOW MANY MESSAGES I'VE GOTTEN FROM FAKE TEREZI, FAKE GAMZEE OR BLUE NERD."

"blue nerd?" For John, it was strange that Karkat would refer to him not by his actual name.

"CALLED HIMSELF-"

"called himself what?"

"JOHN EGBERT."

"oh. did he suppose that we two are couple material?"

STAGE 3 ==> 139 "I DON'T KNOW. I HONESTLY DON'T CARE. ANYWAY, I'M WASTING MY TIME. AND IN ALL LIKELIHOOD I WILL ONLY BE AT BOSTON TWO DAYS LATER, RATHER THAN TOMORROW. ANYWAY. HEADING OFF." Karkat pocketed the Toblerone case and headed off. John looked over at Rose, then wondered aloud:

"i just hope that the memo hasn't become a horrible place already." Chapter 3.6. Greco-Roman Stuff

Author's idiotisms: The font needed for Minecraft dialogues to display correctly is called Minecraftia and can be downloaded from here: http://andrewtyler.net/fonts/

seriously who knew that this game would be so amazing??? we got so much done yup this game is pure gold im tellin you well im actually showin you show dont tell they always say and i say who the fuck are they but the advice has never failed me

For the first occasion since time immemorial, Dave Strider was ever-so-slightly smiling.

He and Jade were now working on their Minecraft survival server. Originally simply learning the game, they already were recreating their memories of the four friends' homes inside the game. The game was allowing them to fulfill their fantasies to the fullest, in the most literal sense possible. And the company had pretty wild fantasies, even though the time when they were children and they came together was long past.

Dave stepped down from the recreation of his house – apparently, in a shocking enough twist, Dave only chose to accurately recreate the top floor, where he used to live, while the other floors were represented by a simple wireframe structure – and looked at what Jade had to say.

so what was it that you were sayin again oh!!! the support group thing? yeah exactly that john the calliope girl and myself had come together in person and calliope was pretty much heartbroken after homestuck and we felt like there was still a long way and the developments might shock us all thoroughly

140 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One plus hussie is a huge jerk so we decided to make this support group! we would read and discuss homestuck over there what have i told you about fallin in love w/ things from the internet were not falling in love with it though! you keep misunderstanding me dave we all pretty much detest homestuck each for different reasons calliope had a breakdown over how she is going to live forever and ever for example immortal gods maybe homestuck is really worth it after all only for hypersmart dudes thousands of years later though like the greco roman stuff its all about immortality and eternal values good thing the greeks and the romans died long ago so those eternal values do not permeate us today just imagine that all our literature is like and these guys lived happily literally forever all others around them died but they remained as an eternal memory of happiness the end prolly books would have been burned so much not because theyre lies but because theyre so awful people pretty much commit fuckin suicide over them and how sweet they are perhaps homestuck is literally the coming of the apocalypse brace yourselves for the fuckin rapture sigh………… alright in that case log into pesterchum and come on the memo called #homestuck_character_support_group alright one waste of time of an action comin in

Even though, if anyone else suggested it, Dave would have ironically refused it, for this one time, since it did come from his friend, he ironically accepted. He shut off Minecraft, being sure that his world is going to be saved on a distant server, and logged into Pesterchum.

STAGE 3 ==> 141 However, finding the memo was a bit of an issue. Dave perused the menu options for a full minute before finally finding the function to open memos, and entered whatever Jade had mentioned him.

CURRENT turntechGdohead [CTG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board HOMESTUCK CHARACTER SUPPORT GROUP.

CTG: so anyone here CURRENT usefullyUnbound [CUU] RIGHT NOW responded to memo. CUU: hello! CUU: i presUme that yoU mUst be dave? CTG: what CTG: whos you CUU: who's me? CUU: let's say that yoU already met me yesterday. CTG: id know if i met someone who has a u fetish CTG: cant you just type your us normally CUU: oh, no no no. CUU: the U's make me UniqUe among the hUmans in the way that nothing else woUld! CUU: thoUgh, i have to admit my brother also has taken a liking to them. CUU: perhaps this wasn't the brightest idea... CTG: your brother CTG: oh youre talkin bout calidouche CUU: yUp! CUU: "doUche" is one of the rare words which i can think of to describe him, UnfortUnately. CTG: and then youre like CTG: caligood girl CTG: the one whos given up bein a monster for good CTG: pffhahaha geddit CTG: for good CTG: good girl CUU: oh, no, i'm afraid i will have to stay being a monster for my near- eternal life. CUU: it's nice that yoU keep sharing the sentiment, thoUgh! CURRENT gardnesGnostic [CGG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo. CGG: sorry im late!! CGG: had to peruse several different chumhandles because i kept being locked out CUU: jade, welcome back! CTG: sup jade CUU: have any more ideas for the sUpport groUp? CGG: i do im just worried...... CGG: these things arent recorded anywhere are they CGG: so john or rose have no idea what were talkin about CGG: and if we form the group well probably need them as well CTG: honestly though CTG: john and rose are perfectly fine bein their own couple CTG: a hyper dork and a hyper smartass CTG: opposites attract

142 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One CUU: yoU don't *really* mean that, do yoU? CTG: hey what are they doing anyway

"So, there's only the three of us left." Rose looked over at John and Hussie, stating the current matter because it was the easiest conversation starter.

"yup! no more douches to interrupt our reading of homestuck. now if only you could cut it with the snarky comments..."

"Or if I could cut it with the spoilers. It's very hard to talk about Homestuck without invoking spoilers, you know." Hussie dropped in his remark.

"exactly how many things that you say are spoilers?"

"Shhhhh. That's a spoiler in and of itself. No spoilers now. Only Homestuck." Hussie tuned up the speakers that he had finally set up, clicked on the next page, and let the sound of the piano take over the projector room. Chapter 3.7. Peculiar Arrows

The 3/4 meter danced for a while, while the comic's top and bottom edges had faded to blackness. The soothing music overtook Hussie, John and Rose, and sent Caliborn into a deeper sleep, rather fortunately, since by now, everyone was already tired of his comments. The music continued for a while, and the three readers just sat there, appreciating the music.

However, it didn't last too long and the readers were already gathering thoughts about the change to the comic's format. "I see that you're taking advantage of the format of the Internet."

"What is the format of the Internet, anyway? Wikipedia is a completely different thing from Facebook, for example." Hussie rhetorically asked. The format of the Internet was a very complicated subject, even though the World Wide Web itself had existed for no more than thirty years. Probably the fact that it had been used by hundreds of millions of people had really shown the reality.

"but the format of homestuck... you're already going against what you had established..." John wondered.

"Homestuck is an Internet story. As much as I hate the Internet and do not browse it in wild abandon, my story exists there and is analyzed along with everything else that exists there."

"wow, you keep hurting my head. why don't we get on with the comic?"

"Indeed. Now that the most awful people like Caliborn have definitely left the scene, I expect that the reading will go on much smoother." Rose felt relieved, even if it was only for this very moment.

STAGE 3 ==> 143 "Well then alright. Let's kick this bitch. Let's be at least done with Act 1 today." Hussie clicked on the next page, titled "John: Play 52 Pick-Up.".

Immediately when he really realized what that meant, though, John put his palm on his hand once again. The maneuver known as "a facepalm" was executed way too many times, in particular by him, but, as the comic stood in a dance of light, the reaction was evoked once again.

"John, I would put such frivolous activities aside, and instead focus on what you really do to make your living as a..."

"rose, why did you stop?" John didn't know that Rose expected him to finish the sentence. At the moment of awkwardness, Hussie came to the rescue: "Heir of Breath?"

"Is this one of the titles that Sburb hands to its players, expecting them to comply to it, similar to Knight of Time and Seer of Light?" Fuck. The spoilers were all around Hussie, and there was no stopping it now.

"I don't think that I said anything about Sburb... I mean the game?"

"it was called sburb before." Somehow, John knew the earlier acts better than Hussie.

"Yeah. You already know too much. Such kind of predestination should only appear once the trolls appear."

"i DON'T want any trolls to appear anytime soon." To John, Karkat was already dreadful enough, and of all the people in the room, he had made a team with that green... skullish... arrogant thing. John didn't even care what Caliborn was supposed to be, but the fact that they had come together, even if it was a mere blink in the universe's existence, was awful enough.

Realizing that he had thought into the matter too much, John clicked on the next page. "exit the house. even though the adventure is called homestuck. well, i suppose it says "ATTEMPT", but still."

"Don't pay too much attention to the title. It's a simple mockery of EarthBound, given that a lot of the motives of Sburb are around houses. Notice how one of the logos was a house earlier on?"

"in that spiral thing?"

"Spirograph thing." Hussie was one of the rare masters of insistent terminology.

"That commercial is, to say the least, strange. I don't think anything like that aired in 2009." Rose had her own critique on Homestuck.

"It's fitting within John's interests."

"yup! ghostbusters RULE." John smiled at Hussie, already admiring the complex web of metaphors that Homestuck was into, even this early on, and clicked on the next page.

144 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "Yup. Totally fake." Hussie laughed a bit. Unfortunately, he couldn't think of a name for his webcomic that wasn't "Homestuck" or "Sburb", and Sburb was already the name of the game inside the game.

"alright, let's scope that mailbox out." Enjoying the experience, John chose to drive it forward, and even took the time to read the text himself. "predictably, the mailbox is empty... oh god dammit. just when everything was happening fine and dandy, this had to come out."

"A story without struggles wouldn't be a real story." Hussie was only speaking the words of a creator, rather than the creator.

"Indeed." As a creator herself, Rose could partially sympathize.

"hey, what's this... equals to equals to greater than?"

"It's an arrow. A placeholder command for when the plot didn't really have any place to progress other than "let time pass"." Hussie helped the cause. John then clicked on the link and another metaphor of sound came in, this time not melodic, but eerie. It matched the feel that John felt once he discovered that he was a webcomic character.

It was the first day after the eighth anniversary of the webcomic that starred John, and coincidentally, the first day after the day when he had learned about the comic. Since then, even though the celebration of his birthday took place and the moment had been one of the happiest ever, it also turned out to be one of the saddest ever, because, for the majority of the people who knew him and his friends, they were bound to be the lively abstraction of text, images and sound. It could only be alive in the imagination of a talented man like Hussie, and since he had already proclaimed that Homestuck was over, the imagination had died with him. He didn't know that a similar duality would be later invoked with one of the major characters, sometimes even called the most important character in the story. However, telling him this would only invite more questions. The riddle, as it stood now, was best left unsolved.

"For some reason, I don't think Walt Whitman was there to say it at all." Rose commented on the quote attached to the passage. While she could easily tell Mark Twain and William Shakespeare apart, this was a bit more difficult.

"yup, i have a feeling this is going to be a long story." John let out the deepest sigh that he had within him for the day, glanced at his two companions, and continued reading with another of these peculiar arrows. END OF STAGE 3

STAGE 3 ==> 145

STAGE 4 ==>

Chapter 4.1. Tenderness

Karkat Vantas was walking along the street that he already knew all too well when he heard a car stop by just behind him. A bit scared, he looked back to see a black car, and soon enough, a female driver opened the door and asked him: "Come right in!"

"THAT IS SO WRONG ALREADY, BUT SINCE I WON'T BE MAKING ANY MORE PROGRESS ON FOOT, YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCKING OKAY." Karkat reluctantly stepped in.

"Where are you going, anyway?" The girl never ceased to annoy Karkat with her friendliness.

"BOSTON."

"Me too!" The girl, for a while, took her time to start the car and, soon enough, got it back on the road and driving. "And I'm a Homestuck fan, just like you! It's a bit strange to see a Karkat cosplayer in full attire in public, though..."

"WHOA WHOA WHOA. YOU SAID THAT WORD!" Karkat kept being confused by how the Homestuck fans spoke.

"Which one? Karkat? Well, you read Homestuck, you should know!"

"NO. THE ONE IMMEDIATELY AFTER THAT."

"Oh. Cosplayer?"

"YEAH. THAT ONE. WHY DOES EVERYONE USE IT AROUND ME AS OF RECENTLY?? HAVE THEY NEVER SEEN A TROLL???"

"Well, I've seen many humans pretending to be trolls." The smile that Karkat saw through one of the mirrors freaked him out and angered him at the same time.

"LISTEN, NO ONE WANTS TO PRETEND TO BE A TROLL. KANAYA TOLD ME. THE CONDESCE, WHEN SHE TRAVELLED TO DISTANT PLANETS, FOUND ALIENS PRETENDING TO BE TROLLS. NEEDLESS TO SAY, SINCE THEY WERE TRAITORS TO THEIR OWN LAND AND UNRELIABLE AGENTS TO HER, THEY WERE CULLED IMMEDIATELY. ARE YOU NOT CAUGHT UP ON ALTERNIAN HISTORY???? EVEN THOUGH IT HAS BEEN LAID DOWN ON YOU ON YOUR HOMESTUCK THING????????"

"I think you're into being Karkat a bit too much." The female human wondered if Karkat's shouting could be heard on the streets, as the music of some mischievous guys could be, on occasion.

"WHY YES. I'M INTO BEING KARKAT ALL THE TIME. I *AM* KARKAT, FOR ONE. WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE TAVROS OR WHATEVER?"

STAGE 4 ==> 147 "Well, I haven't heard of anyone who would cosplay both Karkat and Tavros either..." The girl wanted to play along for a bit, but only when Karkat delivered his next shout she realized that she had made a big mistake.

"YOU SAID THAT WORD AGAIN! CROSS... WHATEVER."

"But that's what you are, right? Those horns surely are fake, attached to a hairband or a wig or..."

"THOSE HORNS ARE JUST AS REAL AS YOUR VOMIT-INDUCING TENDERNESS."

"Don't believe you." The girl stopped her car by the street again, took a step and took on Karkat's little nubby horns. They turned out to be easy to grab on, but firmly attached to his head. "Hmm. Seems to be a little bit strong."

"STOP PULLING MY HORNS, FOR THE HUMAN GOD'S SAKE!" Karkat shook his head, trying to pull the girl's hand away. Luckily for him, she instead proceeded to wet her finger a bit and run it through Karkat's face. "Hmm. This gray skin also seems to be real, rather than any kind of facepaint."

"SEE??? TROLL FROM ALTERNIA. REAL AS FUCK. NOW GET BACK TO YOUR CAR AND OUR BOTH'S SHARED HOMETOWN."

"But then if you're from Alternia, you're not really from Boston, are you?" The girl, a bit shocked that an actual character from Homestuck was, as of right now, in her own car, opened and closed doors to get back to the driver's seat yet again and took her time to start the car and get back on the road.

"WELL, IT'S SORT OF A LONG STORY. BASICALLY, I AND MY ELEVEN HUMAN FRIENDS/ENEMIES PLAYED THIS GAME CALLED SGRUB AND – I HAVE NO IDEA HOW BUT THE GAME ENDED UP CREATING YOUR UNIVERSE."

"You mean you created our universe."

"THAT WOULD ONLY HOLD TRUE IF I HAD CONTROL OVER WHAT I WAS CREATING, WHICH IS DEFINITELY NOT THE CASE. THE GAME CREATED YOU. END OF."

"Huh. Strange headcanons you have there." The girl was puzzled with each following Karkat's word.

"HEAD WHAT? WHY WOULD I HAVE CANNONS IN MY HEAD? IS THIS WORD SOMEHOW RELATED TO THE CROSS THING?"

"Sigh. You read Homestuck, right?"

"ONLY A SMALL PART OF IT. BUT MAINLY BECAUSE THIS PEDOPHILE CALLED ANDREW HUSSIE FORCED ME TO DO IT."

148 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "You actually met our almighty creator Andrew Hussie in person?!" The girl had immediately switched from being shocked to being amazed. "Do you, like, have any idea how most of us have been dying to see him? Hell, that's why I was in Easthampton and all!"

"UGH, HERE IT IS. I HAD DISCOVERED HIVEBENT, OR, AS IT'S APPARENTLY CALLED IN YOUR UNIVERSE, HOMESTUCK... SCREW THIS, JUST READ THIS HIGHLY PERSONAL NOTE INSTEAD." Karkat dug for the journal note that he had written yesterday.

"Sorry, can't really read while driving!"

"THEN WE'LL READ TOGETHER WHEN WE'RE BACK. BASICALLY, THE GIST IS THAT NONE OF MY ELEVEN FRIENDS HAD RESPONDED TO IT WELL."

"But didn't your friends end up killing each other off?"

"I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT."

"Huh. Then again, you aren't supposed to be on the Earth either. Whatever. Go on! I'm actually kind of excited to talk to Karkat Vantas the real guy, you know!"

"ANYWAY. SO I WAS CRYING IN MY DIAPERS OR WHATEVER, THEN HUSSIE SHOWS UP. KNOWS EVERYTHING I'VE BEEN THROUGH, PRE-SGRUB AND POST. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON. HE TELLS ME TO READ HOMESTUCK. I HUMOR HIM AND READ FIFTY PAGES, AND EXACTLY FIFTY."

"Fifty pages of Homestuck isn't really that far in, though..."

"WHAT."

"Let's just say that even after five thousand pages Homestuck won't be complete."

"WHATEVER. THAT'S IRRELEVANT TO MY STORY. OF COURSE I AM GOING TO HAVE ANGRY COMMENTS TO HUSSIE, YOU KNOW. SO I TAKE MY TIME AND MAKE IT ALL THE WAY TO EASTHAMPTON, WHERE I MEET UP WITH HUSSIE. TURNS OUT, HE ALREADY HAS A TROUPE OF READING HOMESTUCK AND GUESS WHAT? THEY'VE ALSO READ EXACTLY FIFTY PAGES!"

"Troupe?"

"SOME IDIOTS NAMED JOHN EGBERT, ROSE AND CALIBORN."

"Are they real characters or just cosplayers, though?"

"STOP MENTIONING THAT WORD, GODDAMMIT."

"Well, I mean were they pretending to be John and others?"

STAGE 4 ==> 149 "I DON'T KNOW. SEEMED REAL ENOUGH TO ME. CALIBORN EVEN GOT INTO A FRIENDSHIP WITH ME."

"He what?" The girl burst into laughter over the strange ship.

"YEAH YEAH. AND AFTER EVERYTHING, APPARENTLY THESE IDIOTS HAVE FOUNDED A..." Karkat took out the Toblerone case and looked at the writing on the inside. "A HOMESTUCK CHARACTER SUPPORT GROUP MEMO ON PESTERCHUM."

"Awesome! I'll have to check it out someday."

"HEY. YOU'RE NOT A HOMESTUCK CHARACTER, ARE YOU."

"Well, no! I mean, if a roleplay group..."

"A WHAT. THIS IS THE REAL THING. THIS IS THE REAL SUFFERING AFTER ANDREW HUSSIE MADE OUR LIVES AS AWFUL AS THEY ARE, I MIGHT ACTUALLY BOND WITH OTHER CHARACTERS AS IF WE WERE SOME SORT OF ALCOHOLICS."

"Hussieholics."

"WHATEVER. LET'S KEEP ON DOING THE THING WHERE WE'RE SILENT INSTEAD." And from then on, Karkat and the Homestuck fan spent their driving in silence.

150 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One Chapter 4.2. Missing in Action

CUU: i woUldn't worry aboUt that too mUch, dave! CUU: wherever they are, i'm sUre they're enjoying themselves! CTG: even with calidouche CUU: ...point taken. U: CGG: and hussie CGG: dont forget hussie CUU: ...point doUble taken. U_U CGG: we really need to put this plan into forward motion asap CGG: but there are difficulties CGG: first things first prying them from hussie will be difficult CGG: hell we nearly didnt escape the first time! CTG: pfft CTG: just smash the hussmeisters windows CTG: the dude thinks hes cool with his authorial powers CTG: but to me they sound like complete bullshit CTG: betcha i still could take him down in a fight CUU: so sUre to mess with yoUr own aUthor? CTG: author or not hes a pretty lame dude tbh CTG: im not even sure what being an author implies CTG: he wrote this epic called homestuck and is now the center of attention CTG: plus he has some spacebending powers CTG: overall the verdict is CTG: lame as hell CGG: i wouldnt dismiss him so quickly though! CGG: for example notice anything strange about our friendship?? CUU: jade, i'm pretty sUre we only met yesterday! CGG: not talking to you :/ CGG: i mean myself dave rose and john CUU: i apologize, in that case. CUU: keep on! :U CTG: so ive been tagging along some chumpsticks for what CTG: eight years CTG: maybe nine CTG: even tho my hearts definitely not with you CGG: there is still the small part of you that still thinks were worth it! CTG: as ironic friend material CTG: like a cool guy cant just not have friends CTG: cuz then hes dumb as hell and prolly a huge douche CTG: so i tag along CTG: and deal with johns derpiness roses thickness and your CTG: idk CTG: the thing is that i definitely dont have the hots for you CTG: not in a million years CUU: dave, it soUnds like sUspicioUsly specific denial to me! CTG: what you read tv tropes CTG: good for you then CUU: what's tv tropes? CTG: a very very VERY awful website CTG: id link you but then youd go straight out of this chat

STAGE 4 ==> 151 CTG: shits pretty much in the drugs category CUU: i will make sUre to avoid it then, as per yoUr recommendation... CTG: what was the topic anyway CGG: taking john and rose away from hussie? CTG: thats the one CTG: as i said id just bust in w/ my ninja moves CUU: why don't yoU Use a more pacifistic move, thoUgh? CGG: yeah why not just knock on hussies door properly? CTG: because CTG: thatd be a battle lost before it even started CTG: id be willingly selling myself as a slave of hussie CTG: and that in the coolkid scale would pretty much hit the negatives CTG: itd be so uncool that id be pretty much forced to shut down sbahj and my entire online identity in general CTG: for all intents and purposes id be dead CTG: here lies dave strider CTG: december 3 1995 to april 14 2017 CTG: decided to give in to peer pressure of his creator CGG: i think youre overdramatizing a bit :/ CGG: nothings going to happen just because you made one step down! CUU: yeah! so far nothing's happened to john jUst becaUse he accepted to read homestUck with rose. CTG: NO CTG: nope nope nope nope nope youve got it all wrong CTG: johns now essentially missin in action CTG: that means that we have to hope for the worst CTG: hes now doomed to be hussies chewtoy CTG: imma message him just in case

Dave Strider quickly tabbed away from Pesterchum and typed a brief text to John: "hey john whats up at the wretchhole".

Since the next page was a simple arrow and an unassuming picture of the scenery, Andrew Hussie took this as an opportunity to bring some candy to the scene. He headed to his kitchen and returned with a bowl that, at first glance, simply had blue caramels.

However, when he peeked inside, John actually noticed that the caramels were actually in the shape of the arrows that had just appeared on Homestuck. Curious, John took one out of the bowl and tumbled it in his fingers. It had several disconnected parts, as each "equals" sign was two dashes and they both were separate from each other and the "greater than" sign, and yet the whole candy was held together by mysterious forces.

Before he could examine the candy in better detail, though, John noticed another strange thing. Due to forces more mysterious than the ones that held the candy together, another identical arrow had appeared in the bowl. It glowed for a while, then settled to the same form as all the others.

"Yup. Self-replenishing Homestuck arrow candy. Should be keeping you good for all the time when you'll be reading Homestuck, and all the time after that."

152 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "That's strange." While John was already biting into the candy, Rose decided to take one for herself. She noticed the same strange properties that the candy exhibited, and decided to experience the taste of the confectionery for herself. She found that it tasted a bit like the kinds of berries one could find in a forest.

"Also come in green, red and purple. Guaranteed to be a hit when I release them. Though, I do not guarantee they will self-replenish in your home."

"Yes, we already know about how you've been meaning to take every detail of your comic and make it into something you can sell." Rose wasn't mildly surprised at this. She had already seen the posters, after all.

While Hussie and Rose were discussing, John decided to take another arrow. However, before he could quite reach it, he heard a message on his iPhone. Deciding that the candy can wait, he picked the phone and saw the message Dave had sent.

Needless to say, John almost felt like barfing all over his phone at the mention of "the wretchhole". John immediately typed: "no, it's a pretty nice place. hussie's even giving us arrow candy that doesn't run out."

John was about to reach for candy again when another message came: "pfft ofc your shittin me". Deciding that it was simply the case of Dave being an asshole, though, he didn't respond with anything. Instead, he spoke up to Hussie and Rose: "alright, since we figured out what the candy is about, can we return to homestuck?"

"Just a second." Hussie gathered himself and clicked on yet another page in the great comic.

STAGE 4 ==> 153 Chapter 4.3. The Bills

"John: Leave a surprise for the mailman." Knowing that no one else would be up to the task, as Karkat was already heading back to Boston, Rose resigned to her role as the sole person who would read Homestuck aloud to her group.

She had no convictions for the cause that it is truly her group, though. Neither of the four kids seemed like a definitive leader of the group; it was simply a web of friendships that had gotten so thick that only the kids themselves could resolve what was going on, and each of them did it through his own perspective, only being able to comment on three relationships and therefore being blissfully unaware of the other three.

Perhaps if there was a psychologist that was better in Rose within arms' reach, they would be able to comment on the group. But for now, it was down to trying to resolve the relationship and therefore strengthening it even more. Most likely, this was the reason why the relationship had become a part of the lives of those involved with it, lasting for more than a third of the lives in question.

Unfortunately, Rose had to put the thoughts aside as she witnessed yet another inane comment from John. "is the surprise something involving me shitting in the mailbox or something?" he said, twisting Rose's train of thought into an entirely different form. Luckily, she was able to gather words for this occasion and therefore responded:

"No need to jump to the vulgar connotations so immediately. You'll have to mature, just as the readers of the comic did, presumably."

"They didn't." And of course Andrew Hussie knew his own webcomic better than anyone else, especially his own characters. "I simply took away the ability for them to mercilessly direct the story."

"Understandable, assuming the fanbase hasn't changed all that much since the times of Jailbreak." Rose had kept a surprising streak of not losing it and becoming silent when the topic was suddenly switched. It wasn't tracked, but one could only presume that it was longer than her Duolingo streak.

"No, you see, the fanbase did change the moment I introduced the trolls and troll romance. But by then, it was already too late." And once again, Hussie's sick burns took the crown. No one could expect to out... out-own Hussie in sick burns. The sick burns were his and his only, and the real fight was over how much of them he had handed over to his characters. And the answer, in case of John and Rose, was "none".

John and Rose resigned as they watched his hand proceed onto the blue link, which didn't feature an arrow. Though, figuring that the candy that Hussie gave was free, both of them took another arrow as they waited for the page to load.

Once the page loaded, the three went on to observe the image. It appeared that John wanted to peek inside his father's car and got a view of... a green box and some envelope.

"Strange things to have inside one's car." Rose concluded.

154 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "And both of them are plot-relevant, of course." It was pretty much obvious, given the format of Homestuck, but Hussie had to state it anyway.

"We will see how they become plot-relevant in later issues to the ongoing experience, in that case." Rose laid her thick comment, noting that she allowed the story to progress.

Though, the progress didn't seem all that noteworthy. Now, instead of peeking through the car's window, John was peeking through the house's window. And oh, look, another near-identical box was there, except it was red.

"So, are the bills relevant as well?" Rose poked fun at Hussie's demeanor.

"Now that you mention it... no. Too bad. A mistake of mine. I will attempt to make something as irrelevant as bills become the greatest enigma in the history of paradox space in, say, Dr. Brinner: Ghost Psychiatrist."

"Is that a creative work that you're actually writing?" Rose didn't feel it at the time, but she already was attracted to Hussie as a creator and wanted to read everything that he wrote, from Jailbreak to Homestuck to whatever this thing was.

"...No." After all, if Hussie was actively working on another creative project as of right now, he wouldn't have time to read Homestuck with his own characters.

"then why did you mention it?" John also wanted to debunk Hussie's magic. He was also intent on pulling him down from the pedestal that he had put himself on, and getting to see him as a normal person, rather than his own personal fairy god human creator.

"Because I'm weird like that. No more stupid questions. The mystery of Dr. Brinner is always going to remain as something about me that will never, ever be solved. Now let's return to Homestuck." Hussie sure meant business.

And reading Homestuck with his own characters was exactly what Hussie did, as he clicked on the next page. Without knowing it, John noticed that his comic version was back in the house, and preparing for an encounter with his father.

"let's hope for the best, then."

"Indeed." Rose and John held hands together. They were at Homestuck together, one could even conclude. Not that any sort of romance was taking place. It was simple "with you at your darkest days" friendship.

"Well, then let's roll the show on." Andrew thus clicked on the next page and, once again, let the sound take over.

Thump-thump.

STAGE 4 ==> 155 John's father was truly presented as a menace among people. No other man in the universe could hold a cake this ruthlessly. The only person who could even match didn't have a cake, was not male, was not human and was not real.

Thump-thump.

The harlequin music permeated the room. John was slightly scared, even though he knew that his father didn't mean it. Rose only looked at the scene out of pure academic interest. Hussie only looked because there was nothing else to look at.

Thump-thump.

The suspense, quite reasonably, could kill. However, it didn't kill; it only froze our heroes in place, as they were anticipating the next move, once the update was over. For the first time, Homestuck was setting out to have some drama, and it turned out to be particularly good at that.

Thump-thump.

Eventually, though, the sound had stopped and it was time to move on.

Author's idiotisms: I haven't had a chapter with a title beginning with "the" in a while. Or, for that matter, an author's "idiotism."

At any rate, there's now a poll on my FanFiction.Net profile that concerns the fic's future. I suggest that you answer it right now.

156 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One Chapter 4.4. Mandelbrot Set

CTG: omg imma facepalm so hard that im lmaoin CTG: and lmao so hard that im facepalmin CTG: i will facepalm and lmao so hard that the two actions will just sort of become one CTG: like a twisting yin yang ouroboros of wtf is goin on there CTG: ready to consume everything else that is around it CTG: here goes and i quote CTG: "arrow candy that doesnt run out" CTG: i honestly even refuse to believe that john egbert can be this funny CTG: until i get further evidence ill just conclude that hussie took johns phone and used the infinite hilarity encased within homestuck to produce this gem CTG: cause thats the only way that it could happen CTG: no way john can be that funny CTG: ive known the guy better than you CGG: my theory actually is that he isnt meant to be funny CGG: hes simply meant to be a friend! CGG: if i ever laughed at him even if it was a joke id feel awful for betraying my best friend CGG: once you accept that you can realize why we hung out for so long! CUU: and this is the hUman groUp that i'm destined to hang oUt with... CTG: dont berate yourself CTG: there was no way stoppin what hussie had already in mind for us CTG: if it was some fucked up story about polar opposite skull aliens that was going to be thrown in the middle of our awesome adventures then thats hussies creative vision CTG: we can always just plain go against it since were our own thing and homestuck is done with CUU: fair enoUgh. CGG: i dont know CGG: if its hussies creative vision then perhaps its the best for us to stick with it? CTG: only within his story CTG: and i highly doubt that this is his story happening live CTG: what kind of story would even be one where we read the story itself CTG: a fuckin webcomic mandelbrot set CTG: actually knowin hussie and his weird ways that wouldnt be THAT unreasonable CGG: hussie has his own principles sure CGG: but such a structure would just be problematic CGG: and i highly doubt that homestuck would be finished by now CGG: or ever really! CGG: if this conversation that was taking place right now was a part of homestuck then homestuck would be stuck in a loop CGG: where wed be reading and discussing this conversation thats happening rn CGG: and then reading and discussing its read and discussion CGG: augh my head hurts now :/ CUU: no, sUch a scenario is pretty mUch impossible in literature, if only becaUse it woUld only resUlt in infinite word coUnts. CGG: i know i was just saying

STAGE 4 ==> 157 CGG: augh CGG: that is going to take a while to pass away :/ CTG: or CTG: hussie could be especially clever CTG: through some hashing algorithms or whatever CTG: and end up in a way in which the last page of homestuck links back to the first CTG: and therefore its just a loop CTG: actually CTG: maybe i should read homestuck to figure out if such a loop is indeed a thing CGG: nooooooooo CGG: no reading homestuck until we get john and rose out of hussies reach CTG: but then were not caught up with where theyre caught up CTG: imma message him again CTG: ask him where he is CTG: well obviously hes at hussies home CTG: but by where he is i mean where he is at homestuck CTG: and just remind me where we are CTG: at homestuck CTG: in case it wasnt clear enough CGG: until the calendar page CTG: fair enough CTG: so itll be simple clickin through ms paint adventures dot com and checkin where the calendar page is CTG: ... CTG: alright its page 1922 CTG: or 001922 CTG: however you say it CTG: story 6 CTG: even though there are only 4 stories listed CTG: jailbreak bardquest problem sleuth & homestuck CTG: yeah go figure that CUU: perhaps some stories were actUally failed attempts? CUU: i'm pretty sUre the homestUck beta is still online, even thoUgh it is a failed attempt? CTG: yeah just got more intel CTG: 1 is jailbreak CTG: 2 is bardquest CTG: 3 is a single page with a bloody spade from cards CTG: no idea what was behind here and honestly dont care CTG: 4 is problem sleuth CTG: 5 is homestuck beta CTG: and 6 is homestuck one point oh CTG: if anything 7 should be homestuck two point oh CUU: jUst dropping a friendly reminder that yoU're stepping into specUlative & spoiler territory! CUU: if homestUck "one point oh" is indeed an infinite loop like yoU jUst posited, there woUld be no need for a seqUel! CTG: whatever CTG: anyway CTG: john says theyre at 1988 CTG: 001988 CTG: dont care

158 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One CTG: so CGG: so!! CUU: so indeed! CTG: lets kick this bitch in that case CTG: page 001923 CTG: john eat cake CTG: last i checked john hates cake CTG: didnt his dad bake him like 21 cakes for his birthday CTG: geddit CTG: 21 cakes CTG: 21st birthday CUU: yes, indeed i get it! CGG: wow johns family is weird :/ CTG: knew it CTG: johns not touchin that cake in a million years CTG: hey havent you realized that the number one million in particular to refer to years is kind of overused CTG: quick drop me replacements CGG: a billion? CTG: thats just one letter replaced thats not funny CUU: a trillion, in that case? CTG: no think outside the box CTG: ... CTG: alright in that case i will be the chooser of numbers in that case CTG: nine hundred thousand it is CTG: practically a million but not quite CTG: hence why i like to call the number a fake million CTG: at any rate CTG: johns not eatin cake in nine hundred thousand years CTG: were done with this page CTG: come on lets move on faster CUU: on the other hand, we woUld like to take oUr time while reading the classic! CTG: biggest bullshit ive ever heard CTG: at any rate CTG: 1924 CTG: john examine incoming message

STAGE 4 ==> 159 Chapter 4.5. A Strife Scene

"...Arrow. Sigh." Rose grabbed another self-replenishing arrow candy and stuffed it in her mouth, as if it was some sort of Homestuck Eating Game.

She had heard of drinking games before, and the concept seemed repelling to her, since most of the drinking games seemed to involve alcohol, and a bad example of an alcoholic was right before her, in her family. However, the more Rose thought that she would never have a drink, the more she was attracted to the forbidden fruit. Sometimes, during her own birthdays in December, she could even get a taste of the drinks. They tasted awful, but with each new drink, Rose was tempted more and more. It was a slippery slope of addiction, and as anyone reading Homestuck knew, addiction was a powerful thing...

This time, Rose's train of thought was interrupted by loud steps. It appeared that Caliborn had awakened from an exposition-induced nap, and was looking over the page of Homestuck himself. "HAHAHA." he immediately shouted, once he gathered what the page was about. "KNEW THE DISGuISE WOuLDN'T WORK. BECAUSE THAT'S HOW MuCH OF A PIECE OF SHIT ZOOSMELL POOPLORD IS."

"Oh, please. We were enjoying reading Homestuck while you were asleep. It would be better if you could go back to sleep."

"NO, FLIGHTYMOuTH. DON'T YOu FuCKING DARE DO IT. THE THING WHERE YOu RANT SO MuCH I FALL ASLEEP. IT'S ALREADY SHITTING AWFuL. TO FALL ASLEEP ANYWHERE BuT MY OWN HOME."

"So, one could say that, as long as you're asleep, you're... homestuck?" Hussie winked. He was one to enjoy an awful pun from time to time. However, he would let no one know that these puns were awful. As far as readers of Homestuck were concerned, these puns were comedy gold.

"YOu. THE HuSSIE IDIOT. STOP AS WELL. I CAME HERE FOR A PERFECT HOMOSuCK EXPERIENCE. NOT YOuR COMMENTS ON EVERY SINGLE PAGE."

"Oh, come on. Of course my readers love the idea that there are notes written by me on every single page. That's how the Homestuck books are built."

"THIS THING HAS BOOKS."

"Yes."

"EVEN THOuGH IT HAS ANIMATION AND SuCH. THAT CAN'T BE PORTED TO BOOKS."

"Yes."

"TALK ABOuT AWFuL IDEAS."

"listen, if you're not going to leave, then at least tag along like a normal green skull kid or whatever."

160 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "DON'T YOu DARE INSuLT MY GREAT IDENTITY. OF A MALEVOLENT CHERuB."

"yeah, yeah." John made sure to roll his eyes, even though Caliborn, by this time, had looked away from him. Caliborn instead gestured to Hussie, and he clicked on the next page. "THE QuICKER WE GET OVER THIS SHIT. THE BETTER."

However, the page with sound took Caliborn by surprise. This time, the music could not be mistaken for calming; the only thing that could be set to that kind of melody is an intense scene between a son and his father.

"WHOA WHOA WHOA. SLOW DOWN WITH THE MuSIC." Caliborn couldn't even begin taking it in, and that was saying something.

"It's a STRIFE! scene. Why should I?" After all, this was Hussie's comic, and Hussie's own mastering of the composition of every concept.

"A WHAT SCENE." Caliborn swore that he didn't even read the page.

"John and his father are fighting."

"geez, why would we? i like to think that time was long past." Just the notion that such an activity could take place seemed offensive to John, and he didn't like to dwell on the distant past too much. Sure, the distant past had its own nice moments, but among those nice moments there were also not- so-nice moments that could easily put John to shock.

"Early Homestuck is long past." Well, Homestuck was an exception. The history of the Homestuck was intrinsically tied to its plot, and a plot of any work of fiction needed a rising conflict. Otherwise it wouldn't be that interesting to read.

"I see it as another introduction to the basics of the video game mechanics. The game needs an unbeatable foe to demonstrate the ability to fight, and therefore John's father is picked." Rose commented.

"rose, i'm pretty sure that you don't even play games." John had no idea how come Rose was smarter than him at any field.

"I actually do, occasionally. It's just that they're worthwhile to discuss on very rare occasions. Needless to say, this has no relation to Dave's obsession with a single game."

"Oh, John, for the love of pipe-smoking Bullshit, SHE AGREED TO PLAY SBURB WITH YOU." Even Andrew Hussie himself was fed up with how John didn't seem to get it.

"oh. sorry." Taking the shame within himself, John decided to see what was about to happen after these two interrelated scenes. Unfortunately, it didn't seem to be all that good for John himself.

And whenever John was at a misfortune, Caliborn would thoroughly enjoy it. "WELP. TIME TO SEE THE BIGGEST LET DOWN OF THE CENTuRY." He clicked on the next page and looked

STAGE 4 ==> 161 over the scene, a bit satisfied at the motion, since it was fast-paced but not sudden. Caliborn, as a cherub, had rather weird preferences for things.

"AUGH!" John shouted, a bit too immersed into the events of the comic.

"HA." Caliborn responded.

"Ha." Hussie was also enjoying his own comic's funny moments.

"The incident is hilarious enough, if you disregard who its participants are." Rose finished.

John let out the biggest sigh. Now even Rose was against him? He had one last comment on the page's content before it was time to move on:

"you know what, take the four remaining ticks out of my prankster's gambit. you own all the gambit. all of it."

"HOW DO YOu SuGGEST THREE PEOPLE DIVIDE FOuR TICKS."

"you can have two, since you seem to be enjoying my misfortune the best." John looked down.

"I HAD NO IDEA I WOuLD SAY THIS. BuT THANKS, ZOOSMELL POOPLORD." Caliborn basked in the glory of a pair of imaginary ticks as if they were two golden teeth in his mouth. Now he was ready to move on and experience Homestuck in its fullest. Chapter 4.6. Queen Elsa

The niceness of the human female irritated Karkat to no end, and by the time he reached Boston, he swore that he was going to throw up his brain and go insane. Out of all things, she even offered to drive him to his doorstep! This was almost as serious as the threat for the end of the world some five years ago.

"Thanks, Karkat! (ohmygod Karkat Vantas from Homestuck was actually in my car)"

"SO IT IS. JUST REMIND ME TO FUCKING EAT HOMESTUCK PRINTED IF I EVER MEET YOU AGAIN." Karkat dropped his usual insult.

"Swoon." The girl pulled the window up and drove away. Scoffing at the experience, Karkat decided that he needed something to cool himself after the experience, and that something had better be not related to Homestuck in any way.

That was when he felt something long and angled in his pocket. He pulled it out and realized the same Toblerone case was still there, complete with the Pesterchum memo address.

Knowing there would be nothing better to do, Karkat walked back to his dorm, plopped his bag of experiences down, and booted up Pesterchum.

162 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One CTG: 1988 CTG: john enter CTG: thump thump CTG: these thump thumps are essentially meaningless CTG: and johns dad is a dick for baking so many cakes CTG: and then simply aiming to throw them at his beloved son CUU: the ritUals of the egbert family will always go over my head... CTG: the rituals of the egderp family are a piece of shit CTG: thats my conclusion CTG: alright is this how much john and co have read CGG: im pretty sure it is! CTG: so then its time for a summary CTG: johns a fuckin dimwit CTG: im cool as usual and just lmaopalmin at his stupidity CTG: that is totally a word i made up now in case you want it in the oxford dictionary pronto CTG: im responsible for like half the english words already so CTG: yeah CTG: rose is CGG: helpful towards her friend? CUU: reasonably edUcated? CTG: cold CUU: cold? CUU: cold as in cold-hearted? CUU: from what i've observed, this is not the case! CTG: cold as in were playin the hot cold game CTG: and the cold hearted statement gets it warmer CTG: but actually i meant that she is impartial for egderp and only wants to play sburb herself CTG: now thats the fuckin core of the sun CTG: and jade CTG: jades nonexistent CGG: im pretty sure i exist :/ CTG: yeah in act fake million probably CTG: and thats it CTG: round of applause and now we can hit on john being full on homestuck fans CTG: ... CTG: homestuck fans need a name asap CTG: kind of like there are superwholockians and all CTG: *8) CTG: until further notice they will be homestuckians CUU: i don't Understand yoUr smiley... CUU: is the glare supposed to be oUtside the sUnglasses or is it jUst a limitation? CTG: latter CTG: man a keyboard is stupid for expressin things like that CTG: mental note to get a tablet or somethin CTG: #mental_note CTG: just in case CTG: no thats not a memo name thats a fuckin hashtag note stop clickin CUU: we are not clicking! chill oUt. CTG: did you just tell a coolkid to chill out CTG: am i not chill enough

STAGE 4 ==> 163 CTG: if coolkids are actually cold call me queen elsa CGG: queen elsa im sure that youre forgetting something CTG: shut up anna CTG: anyway CTG: whats next to be done CTG: quick brainstorm FUTURE canceroGeneticist [FCG] 1:00 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo. FCG: HELLO SHITSTAINS. CTG: fuck FCG: GUESS FUCKING WHAT. FCG: I ASKED SOLLUX FOR HELP, AND HE HELPED ME REINVENT TIME TRAVEL AS WE HAD IT ON ALTERNIA. FCG: AND WHOOP DEE GODDAMN DOO GUESS WHO'S HERE FOR FUCK'S SAKE. FCG: IT IS FUTURE KARKAT VANTAS, SPEAKING TO YOU FROM THE GODDAMN FUTURE. FCG: YOU WORTHLESS HUMANS ARE WELCOME. FCG: HELLO, FUCKBALL, SO TO SAY. CGG: so YOURE karkat vantas??? FCG: YES, HUMAN I'VE NEVER MET. FCG: NEXT QUESTION? CTG: whats the future like CTG: have you got hoverboards CTG: ... CTG: oh COME THE FUCK ON CTG: times flyin so fast and 2015 is already past CTG: and back to the future 2 references already sound lame FCG: BASICALLY, DYSTOPIAN. FCG: THERE WAS A METEOR STRIKE FIFTY MINUTES AGO. FCG: THAT IS TO SAY, THERE WILL BE ONE TEN MINUTES FROM NOW. FCG: NOW THE WORLD IS IN CHAOS. FCG: FOREST FIRES ARE EVERYWHERE, AND PEOPLE ARE ALREADY DYING FROM SMOKE. FCG: BECAUSE THE METEOR STRUCK A POWER PLANT, ELECTRICITY AND TELECOMMUNICATIONS IS SEVERED EVERYWHERE. FCG: THE GOVERNMENTS OF THE WORLD HAVE ALREADY COLLAPSED. FCG: MAFIA GANGS ARE GATHERING OUTSIDE MY WINDOW AS I'M WRITING THIS. CTG: now i know youre bullshittin me CTG: if telecommunications is severed how are you typing FCG: WAY TO BE GULLIBLE, FUCKSUCKER. FCG: JUST... TRY USING YOUR HUMAN THINKPAN FOR ONCE. FCG: HOW MUCH OF THE FUTURE CAN HAPPEN IN SIXTY MINUTES???? FCG: THE ANSWER IS NONE. FCG: THE ANSWER IS THAT THE FUTURE IS ESSENTIALLY THE GODDAMN PRESENT. CTG: haha that was sick CTG: awesome CTG: karkat vantas for president 2020 CTG: i mean as far as presidential candidates go you just cant get worse than trump thats a fact FCG: NEXT UP? CUU: why are yoU so rUde all the time for no apparent reason? FCG: I CAN BE ALL THE RUDE THAT I FUCKING WANT TO, HUMAN. CUU: i am *not* a hUman! U: FCG: FUCK FCG: ARE YOU CALIBORN IN THAT CASE? FCG: NO WAIT CALIBORN WOULD ALSO SHOUT, LIKE ME.

164 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One CUU: no, caliborn is my brother! FCG: HOW FCG: BROTHERS AND SISTERS IS A HUMAN THING, NOT A GREEN SKULL NOT-TROLL ALIEN THING. CUU: it is also a cherUb thing! CUU: as far as my knowledge of my species goes, which i admit is pretty limited. CUU: hello karkat, i am calliope! FCG: WAIT I JUST REALIZED FCG: I AM SUPPOSED TO BE ANSWERING QUESTIONS, NOT ASKING THEM. FCG: IN THAT CASE, LET'S GO FUCKING ON. Chapter 4.7. A Hat and a Pipe

"John: Captchalogue pie tin."

So far, the STRIFE! scene seemed to only play out in the favor of John's father. Knowing that this will turn out to be an important plot point, as well as simply supporting her friend, Rose was rooting for John to win in some way. However, Caliborn was, as it was apparent, actively rooting against John.

As for John himself, he didn't even associate himself in real life with himself in the comic, and decided to comment on it as if he wasn't there. "i sense desperation.", he said, borrowing a page from Rose's book.

"You're finally learning the tricks of human analysis. That's nice." Rose was mildly surprised at the personality change.

"Excuse me while I turn to the notes for Homestuck that I wrote before it began." Dropping the ironic "out of character" remark, Hussie decided to show more of Homestuck to its readers, so that no more questions like this could arise ever again.

And, as it turned out, the next page didn't even feature any characters; it only had an action that failed to be enacted.

"BOO HOO. LET'S WEEP FOR THE HuMAN WHO CAN'T EVEN BEGIN WINNING AGAINST HIS HuMAN FATHER." Caliborn continued playing along, but did not anticipate Hussie saying this:

"You see, this sentence made sense up until the point when you said "human father" as if cherub fathers weren't a thing."

"ARE THEY." Caliborn's attention was finally brought, since he was now going to learn about cherub biology instead.

"Yup. They don't look after the young like human fathers do, though. It would be too dangerous."

STAGE 4 ==> 165 "FOR THE BETTER." Caliborn couldn't even begin imagining how his and Calliope's lives would have turned out if they were guarded by an omnipresent fatherly cherub, and possibly an omnipresent motherly cherub.

While Caliborn was thinking about himself, Hussie clicked again. The quotation marks immediately got Rose, and she realized it was another ruse. "I have an awful feeling this isn't an Oscar Wilde quote either."

"Nope. Tao Te Ching."

"I HOPE THE TAO TE CHING HuMAN CRuSHES YOu TO DEATH SOME DAY." Caliborn knew some things about human copyright, but at his heart he only wanted to retaliate against Hussie.

"Not going to happen either. You'll have to be the one to shoot me down."

"I... WHAT." Puzzled by the spoiler, Caliborn resolved to look at the next page, and, much to his distress, John had finally made a draw with his dad.

"there we go. now dad's at least distracted." John congratulated his comic self on the recent victory.

Just as then, however, there was a knock to Hussie's door yet again. Hussie motioned to open it and once he did, he saw a strange man with a hat and a pipe. The man, without saying a word, looked over the projector room and said: "I AM NEVER DISTRACTED. I KNEW YOU WERE READING THE INTERNET WEBCOMIC ALL THE TIME, ACTUALLY. AND I'M INTERESTED IN IT."

"Make yourself at home then, Mr. Egbert." It was a bit weird, this whole "letting an adult read Homestuck together with kids" thing, even though the "beta kids" weren't that much children. A lot of ugly thoughts plagued Andrew Hussie all at once, and to cool them off, he recapped what happened in the comic. "So far, we've only seen John..."

"I KNOW."

"Oh. Sorry then." Still uneasy about the new guest, Hussie clicked on the next page. John's father continued smoking his pipe as he observed the strange webcomic.

"uH. IS IT JuST ME. OR IS THE SMOKE DRAWN HERE A PIECE OF SHIT." While the comment was usual for Caliborn, John's father twisted his pipe, mainly at the sight and sound of the ornery forest green alien.

"The smoke you would draw would probably be all snakes."

"IT MAKES MORE SENSE. CONSIDERING SMOKE SPREADS." John's father continued observing the argument between the cherub and its creator.

"It's simplified, okay? Now please, we're weirding Mr. Egbert here out." At the mention of his designation, John's father immediately paid attention to Hussie, only to see that he had entered the

166 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One next page of the comic already. He read the text, wondering what John was thinking, and unfortunately, the comic's John was plotting in response to the escapades that he had been put through today.

"YOU WOULD NOT DARE."

"yes. as a matter of fact, yes, i would. that is, if i didn't have my own phone to mess with." John immediately wanted to turn the mindset to the present, but his father was nothing if not a strict man.

"YOU'RE GROUNDED, ONCE WE GET OUT."

"And you're grounded until we finish reading Act 1." And Hussie always was guaranteed to finish with a sick burn.

"MAKE THIS UNFUNNY MAN STOP IMMEDIATELY. I CANNOT STAND HIS HUMOR."

"SORRY." Caliborn immediately made Mr. Egbert feel at the home of Homestuck. "THEM'S THE BREAKS. YOu WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH A SHITTY ASSHOLE WHO ONLY HAS ONE REASON TO BE AWESOME, AND THAT REASON IS HIS WEBCOMIC."

Though, Caliborn was distracted by the next page. He didn't comment, seeing as, if you asked him, a bright red box had no place in Homestuck, or anywhere.

Rose, though, immediately recognized it as a mark of one of Hussie's characters. "What would Dave gift John?" she wondered.

"Something ironic?"

"That settles." Even though Rose was still curious, the obvious guess based on Dave's personality, for now, was good enough, and it was time to observe the last object that John acquired.

"yeeeeeees." As John would have declared, the game was now on.

"WHAT IS THIS GAME ABOUT ANYWAY?"

"Let's better see for ourselves in the following pages." Hussie was torn between revealing more spoilers of Homestuck and continuing on with the experience with the adult. Eventually, he decided to move on, after pausing by selecting the number 2000.

However, the people with Hussie weren't interested in the number, but rather the actions. "and finally the strife is over." John said, noticing that this mini-story was done with.

"THE STRIFE IS NOT OVER. THE STRIFE IS NEVER OVER." Mr. Egbert was only meaning to say simple words of fatherly wisdom, but did not expect to be misinterpreted.

"ATTA PIPED MAN." People who talk in all capital letters seemed to magically attract Caliborn's attention.

STAGE 4 ==> 167 "Your family is weirding me out, John. I hope you're proud." Rose was near-speechless. Chapter 4.8. Earth Connoisseur

CTG: how did you find the memo FCG: STUPID QUESTION. FCG: JOHN DIRECTED ME. CTG: john CTG: john doesnt even know you how was he able to CTG: hey jade was john on the memo remind me CGG: pretty sure he was :/ CGG: i think i told you already CTG: whatever FCG: AS YOU CAN SEE. FCG: WE ARE NOWHERE FURTHER IN PROGRESSING THIS PIECE OF SHIT BEYOND THE BASIC LIMIT OF HUMAN COMPREHENSION. FCG: CALLIOPE, I'LL NEED TO TALK TO YOU PERSONALLY. CUU: i am definitely *not* following yoUr agenda against the hUmans! CUU: they are simply too friendly to be disregarded. FCG: FINE THEN FCG: GIVE ME CALIBORN'S CONTACTS IN THAT CASE. CUU: Uh... CUU: caliborn doesn't even bother with pesterchUm. CUU: he didn't have that many friends in real life, let alone the internet. CUU: and i'm not sUre if i can convince him to move to pesterchUm withoUt him saying that this was yet another terrible idea by me. CUU: or, y'know, approach him aboUt literally anything before he begins claiming that he is sUperior to me. FCG: YOU'RE JUST EXCUSING YOURSELF. FCG: QUICK, THE SUPPOSED COOLKID AND THE GREEN ONE. CTG: its dave and jade FCG: DAVE AND JADE. FCG: DO YOU KNOW CALIBORN? CGG: superficially CGG: basically hes a huge asshole FCG: THAT IS BESIDE THE POINT. FCG: THE GUY CAN RUIN HIS PUBLIC IMAGE FOR AS LONG AS HE WANTS, BUT THAT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT I LIKE HIM. FCG: WHAT WOULD BE THE FASTEST WAY TO APPROACH HIM? CTG: well caliborns on the scene of readin homestuck w/ john and rose FCG: PFFT, STILL ON? CTG: and ive been talkin to john on his phone CTG: ill pass him a message in that case CTG: do you want to give your phone to caliborn CTG: karkat wants to talk to him CTG: on the other hand nah CTG: john would probably think im insane FCG: LISTEN, I AM NOT MAKING IT TO EASTHAMPTON TO HANG OUT WITH HIM AGAIN. FCG: SO BE HELPFUL TO ME OR GO HOME. CTG: im already home FCG: YOUR HUMAN HUMOR IS SO UNFUNNY, IF ALTERNIAN AUTHORITIES EVER MET

168 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One YOU, YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN CULLED ON THE SPOT. CUU: what's culling? FCG: KILLING, I APOLOGIZE. FCG: EIGHT HUMAN SWEEPS AND I STILL CAN'T BEGIN FORGETTING THE ALTERNIAN NAMES FOR THINGS. CUU: hUman sweeps? FCG: GODDAMMIT FCG: YEARS. FCG: EIGHT HUMAN YEARS. CTG: bet those were fun years CTG: bet that by now youre pretty much an earth connoisseur CTG: yeah pretty sure thats enough for an undergrad AND graduate earth primer CTG: once you go back to alternian you should really impress troll chicks with your knowledge FCG: THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS THAT ARE FUCKING WRONG WITH WHAT YOU JUST SAID THAT FCG: TO BEGIN, ALTERNIAN IS THE ADJECTIVE. FCG: THE NAME OF THE PLANET IS ALTERNIA. FCG: TWO, I'M PRETTY SURE THAT ALTERNIA IS LONG GONE. FCG: SGRUB DECIDED THAT IT NEEDED TO GO TO THE TRASHBIN, AND IN ITS PLACE YOUR VERY OWN FUCKBALL APPEARED. FCG: THREE, TROLL CHICKS FCG: I MEAN TROLL GIRLS ARE PRETTY MUCH FREAKS. FCG: MURDERING EACH OTHER IN FLARP AND STUFF. FCG: YOU CAN'T EVEN BEGIN APPROACHING ONE BEFORE HER LIPSTICK TURNS INTO A CHAINSAW AND SHE WANTS TO SLICE YOU IN HALF. FCG: AND FOURTH AND LASTLY FCG: ALL THE KNOWLEDGE I'VE PICKED UP FROM THE EARTH IS USELESS MEME TRASH. FCG: I HIGHLY DOUBT THAT IT IS EVEN HUMANLY OR TROLLICALLY POSSIBLE TO BE AN EARTH CONNOISSEUR. CTG: what about cherubically possible CTG: i call discriminating against calliope and your boyfriend CUU: dave, don't worry aboUt me! CUU: and *especially* not aboUt my brother... U_U FCG: OR CHERUBICALLY POSSIBLE. FCG: OR POSSIBLE BY THE STANDARDS OF ANY SPECIES THAT THE CONDESCE CONQUERED. FCG: OR POSSIBLE BY THE STANDARDS OF ANY SPECIES THAT HAS EXISTED, EVER. FCG: HERE, NOW ALL GROUNDS ARE COVERED. FCG: IS YOUR EARTH OBSESSION WITH THE OPPRESSION OF THE MINORITIES SATISFIED? CTG: earth obsession CTG: excuse me since when the rights of alien species were a human thing CTG: the rights of alien species were are and forever will only be a human thing for human sci fi authors CTG: just humaning their human stereotypes all over their human literature that wont ever be read by an alien species FCG: FOR YOUR INFORMATION, JADE, KANAYA ALREADY READ HUMAN SCI-FI LITERATURE. FCG: SHE TOLD ME IT SUCKS. CGG: huh???? CGG: what did you want me for

STAGE 4 ==> 169 FCG: FUCK FCG: JADE'S THE GREEN ONE ISN'T IT. CTG: yup CTG: pretty sure that jade is actually an english word meaning green FCG: SORRY, DAVE. CTG: eight human sweepyears and youre still a noob at this karkat CGG: also im a she not an it...... FCG: SO YOU'RE HUMAN FEMALE. FCG: I ACTUALLY AM INTERESTED IN HOW HUMAN FEMALES DIFFER FROM TROLL FEMALES. FCG: SINCE, AS YOU ALREADY KNOW, YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO BE CLOSE TO ANY TROLL FEMALE. CTG: have you not CTG: like holy shit you had eight years to figure it out CTG: i bet you wouldve already had the chance to scope out human girls from boobs to cunt quite literally CTG: they would have had the hots for you simply because youre an alien CTG: a lot of human girls on deviantart have weird fetishes and you could simply cater to them by the mere fact of your existence FCG: MOST OF THOSE YEARS WERE ACTUALLY SPENT STUDYING WHATEVER WAS LAID DOWN ON ME BY THE HUMAN EDUCATION SYSTEM. FCG: BECAUSE APPARENTLY IF I DON'T MASTER YOUR HUMAN EDUCATION SYSTEM, I WILL BE TRAPPED IN IT AD INFINITUM. FCG: ITS GNARLED CLAWS WILL FOREVER HOLD ME INSIDE JUST FOR BEING A DUMB SHIT. CTG: lame CTG: can attest as someone whos actually been through the human education system FCG: AND MOST OF THOSE YEARS WHICH WERE NOT SPENT FOR THAT WERE SPENT RESEARCHING YOUR SPACE PROGRAM. FCG: BECAUSE THE EARTH SUCKS AND I'VE ALWAYS BEEN MEANING TO BLOW THIS JOINT AND VOYAGE THROUGH THE WILD COSMOS. FCG: THE HUMAN SOCIETY IS ONLY A TERTIARY THING FCG: AND BESIDES, THERE ARE ENOUGH TROLLS FOR OUR SPECIES' REPOPULATION, SO IT'S NOT EVEN LIKE THE EARTH NEEDS HUMANS, REALLY. CTG: oh yeah CTG: then how many are there

170 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One Chapter 4.9. Spring Fixation

"John: Get cake on couch."

"because this is what i need. more cake in my sylladex." John rolled his eyes, not even letting the usual thoughts jam to take place at the beginning of each chapter.

"THERE IS NEVER ENOUGH CAKE." His father, on the other hand, had a rather different stance towards the world which he was a part of.

"YES THERE IS." Of course, one couldn't have an all-caps argument without Caliborn. Even though Mr. Egbert was no Karkat, there were still things about him that Caliborn liked.

"ONLY FOR AN ALIEN WHO IS ALLERGIC TO SWEETS."

"YEAH, AND YOu'RE PROBABLY ALLERGIC TO PEANuTS OR SOMETHING."

"Oh, wonderful. A cake argument. The cake is a lie, god dammit." Hussie didn't even know where he picked that meme up; just that it was older than Homestuck... or Problem Sleuth.

"VERY WELL. BUT, IN CASE THE CAKE IS A LIE, WHAT IS THE DOUBLE DECKER CAKE MENTION ON THE NEXT PAGE ABOUT?" Hussie realized that John's father is one of the rare human beings that are still pure logic, somehow, and responded:

"Simple. The cake does not exist the way pumpkins do not exist."

"Pumpkins?" Rose was unfamiliar with the vernacular that was a part of Homestuck... MS Paint Adventures? She thought, at least.

"They don't appear in Homestuck until much later, do they. Let's go on in that case." Without hesitating, Hussie clicked on the next page.

What Caliborn saw there immediately made him burst to laughter, yet again. "PFFFT. HELP ME. I'M DYING FROM LAuGHTER."

By this time, Rose had already had it. "I think I might just leave, because there is no way that the reading of Homestuck may pass constructively."

"Nuh-uh. You're staying here until the end of Act 1." Hussie was very well intent on keeping the prisoners this time.

"What am I worth without my insightful comments?" However, as Rose mentally noted, she was not going to lose the argument over her leaving without a battle.

"a comforting body. without you, i don't think seeing someone who is quite literally myself fail and fail again would be a pleasant experience." John, on the other hand, had a completely different view towards how this was going to play out. If Rose was leaving, then so was he.

STAGE 4 ==> 171 "EVEN WITH ME?"

"well, you keep making fun of me..."

John couldn't believe that all the people around him made him say that, in front of his father of all people. "SIGH. SON, YOU ARE DOUBLE GROUNDED IN THAT CASE." His heart sunk into his chest as he heard that.

"LOOK WHO'S PRACTICALLY THE FOuNDER OF THE ZOOSMELL POOPLORD HATE CLuB." Caliborn was still trying to make an argument, but noticed that Hussie had already gone to the next page, which showed that Mr. Egbert's room was locked.

"NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW WHO I TRULY AM." Fatherly wisdom was perhaps the best kind of comment to grace this reading.

"Yes, we understand." Hussie could only giggle slightly.

"YOu STILL DON'T HAVE THE BEST ROLE IN THE STORY EVER." Once Caliborn learned that he, somehow in a backwards way, was going to be the one to kill Hussie in-story, he was sure he was not letting go.

"OH, PLEASE." Dad gestured towards Hussie, and he moved forwards through the comic. John quickly skimmed over the page, instead focusing on the words in all capital letters.

"oh, yeah! just forgot why this move is awesome in every way. no more pogo ride. ;)" Once again, he smiled. He swore that Homestuck was a bit of an emotion rollercoaster, but it was definitely worth it, especially for the moments when it was going to get serious.

"DON'T WORRY. THERE WILL BE A REPLACEMENT SPRING FIXATION THERE IN NO TIME." Smiling that Dad's humor won't ever be replaced by anything, Hussie moved on to the page where the cake was mutilated for the sake of getting precious items back.

"yeeeeeeees. progression."

"Indeed." Rose knew that in no time, the comic would actually be on, and that skipping through pages like this would no longer be needed. However, as Caliborn saw the next page, Rose immediately rescinded that claim.

"YEEEEEEEES. AWFuL SHIT BEING CREATED BY THE GAME."

"Sigh." Rose was speaking for everyone but Caliborn when she decided that this comic needed to progress to being a real deal quick enough.

Unfortunately, the comic only knew its own rules, as it moved on to a scene that was already seen with no noticeable action.

"And this... this is a filler page. Can we just move on, Hussie?"

172 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "Alright." Hussie motioned to the blue link and, after misclicking it once, he managed to get the story to move on to the Matthew McConaughey posters.

"NOPE. NOT EVEN SPENDING A MINuTE THERE." Caliborn couldn't believe that a comic could be this mixture of awesome and bullshit.

"WELL, I STAND WITH THE OPINION THAT MY SON'S INTERESTS SHOULD BE RESPECTED." In this case, a father was simply doing what was the best to do to protect his son.

"FuCK YOu. I WANT KARKAT BACK."

"You so have the hots for him." An OTP was practically brewing in Hussie's head.

"I SO DO NOT." As Caliborn was thinking of the words for his tirade, he was distracted by the sound emitted by the next page, which apparently was a part of Pesterchum. John looked over and saw that two pesterlogs were combined into one, and immediately got sad that one of them only had a brief cameo.

"jade! oh, for the love of..." John cried out, but Caliborn had already come up with his retort:

"SEE. THIS COMIC IS SO AWFuL. SHE DOESN'T WANT TO SPEND A MINuTE THERE."

"And yet Dave is perfectly willing to stay and ironically chat with John about stuff." Hussie was enjoying every blue and red word in the pesterlog. No one would know it, but John and Dave really were the prime couple.

"hussie, did we really need that?"

"YES. MORE TURNTECH FRIEND, PLEASE." John's father was only interested in learning more about his son's friends, and moving in with them seemed like a perfect opportunity. However, reading Homestuck was a conversely bad opportunity, as it kept bunny-hopping through pages, including one where John went to... this site?

"WHAAAAAT. DID PEOPLE REALLY NEED TO VISIT YOuR OWN WEBSITE?"

"Just watch." Enjoying the meta, Hussie waited until this page's animation was done, and moved on to reveal what was really on MS Paint Adventures in the Homestuck universe. "There. Midnight Crew. Didn't even begin drawing it, really. That time was taken up by Homestuck."

"BuT THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. YOU MUST HAVE DRAWN IT." The Midnight Crew page was very clearly before Caliborn, and thus he wasn't capable of understanding anything about how Hussie did not draw it.

"...Let's move on in that case. Didn't know paradoxes would go straight over your skull." Hussie clicked, and suddenly the plot seemed to be really on, as the Sburb Beta was now in the progress of being installed.

"and thus, something greater is about to begin."

STAGE 4 ==> 173 "THIS, OF COURSE, WOULD BE YOUR DOUBLE-GROUNDING, SON." No one could beat Dad in a prank-off. The prankster's gambit was for him and him only.

"CAN I CALL OWNED?" Caliborn shouted into the metaphorical void. Chapter 4.10. Oblivion

FCG: HMM. FCG: OKAY. FCG: WELL... FCG: YEAH... FCG: ALRIGHT... CTG: cut it already FCG: WAS JUST MEANING TO. FCG: THIS WILL BE NO SIMPLE STORY. FCG: THIS WILL REQUIRE THE HUMAN LITERATURE TRICK THAT IS, FOR YOUR STUPID LIBRARIANS, KNOWN AS "CONTEXTUALIZATION". FCG: AND THAT IS NO EASY TRICK TO MASTER, BUT I WILL TRY ANYWAY. FCG: ALRIGHT, HERE COMES. FCG: THE STORY OF THE TWELVE TROLLS OF TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY, BY KARKAT VANTAS, THEIR AMAZING LEADER. CTG: team adorabloodthirsty CTG: whos coming up with names on your session FCG: THE ANSWER IS NO ONE. FCG: THE ANSWER IS THAT APPARENTLY I STOLE THE IDEA FROM FUTURE KARKAT, SO THE NAME REALLY HAS NO ORIGIN. FCG: YOU KNOW, LIKE A STABLE TIME LOOP? CTG: but i thought that you were future karkat FCG: FUCK I MEANT FROM THE RELATIVE FUTURE BACK THEN, WHICH IS NOW PRETTY MUCH LONG PAST FCG: ALRIGHT, HERE'S THE STORY FROM THE BEGINNING IN THAT CASE. FCG: BECAUSE YOUR INCESSANT STUPID COMMENTS MAKE ME WANT TO PUKE ALL OVER YOUR STUPID PLANET. CTG: no fair to 7 and a half billion other people here FCG: PLUS ELEVEN TROLLS, ACTUALLY. FCG: THAT WAS ONLY A COMMENT THAT WAS MEANT TO PUT YOU IN YOUR PLACE, NOW SHUT UP. CTG: oh youre tellin ME to shut up CTG: well watch me shut you up to fuckin oblivion CTG: thats right your mouth will be shut so tight you will appear in an elder scrolls game for no apparent reason CTG: be prepared to scope out different types of monsters and to not be able to read shit immediately CGG: but i thought you dont play games...... CTG: actually i read bout that one in gamebro CTG: and thats not part of the argument FCG: ANYWAY, THE AMAZING STORY OF HOW OUR ACTIONS SOMEHOW RESULTED IN YOUR PATHETIC PLANET BEING CREATED ARE AS FOLLOWS: CTG: stop FCG: BUT I WAS JUST ABOUT TO BEGIN! CTG: i said stop CTG: you do realize i never asked you that CTG: i only asked how many trolls are there

174 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One FCG: BUT THEN IT IS SO OBVIOUS THAT YOU ARE GOING TO ASK FOR THEIR NAMES AND PERSONALITIES, AND EVENTUALLY I'D HAVE TO TELL EVERYTHING ABOUT US. FCG: SO I CUT TO THE CHASE. CTG: how difficult can telling a single number be CTG: seriously FCG: THIS DIFFICULT, APPARENTLY. FCG: YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING ME IN THE TELLING OF MY STORY. CTG: look i already know theres twelve trolls CTG: that means we dont want your bullshit story CTG: thats it time to move onto the next question FCG: I HATE YOU. CGG: no need to come off as so rude so immediately :/ CGG: both dave and karkat CTG: hate accepted CTG: but please people have things to ask CGG: i actually dont CUU: yeah! sorry, karkat, there is only one place you can go to from there... FCG: DON'T YOU *DARE* BAN ME. FCG: I'M STILL NOT DONE HERE. CUU: then tell Us immediately what yoU are going to contribUte to the homestUck read, pronto! FCG: A HOMESTUCK READ???? FCG: YOU MEAN YOU ACTUALLY *WISH* TO READ THAT GODAWFUL WEBCOMIC? CTG: well ofc CGG: yeah? CUU: yes! CUU: we conclUded that even if we hate hUssie, we mUst at least know his webcomic by heart to know why precisely we hate him! FCG: OH MY GOD, CAN THERE BE MORE REASON THAN CTG: when time came to name john hussie used the VERY FIRST suggestion CTG: a lot of homestuck humor derives from john failing at the sylladex CTG: the comic is godawful long and takes forever to even get outside johns perspective to the trolls and the cherubim CGG: characters like caliborn who shout all the time are still part of homestuck :/ FCG: OH MY GOD YOU ACTUALLY HATE CALIBORN??? FCG: I AM TRYING TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH HIM, NOT FIT INTO YOUR AGENDA WHICH, WHILE SUPPOSED TO BE AGAINST HUSSIE, SOMEHOW GOES AGAINST HIM AS WELL. FCG: AND BESIDES, HOW DIFFICULT CAN A SIMPLE QUESTION "HOW CAN I CONTACT HIM" GET ANYWAY?? CTG: how difficult can a simple question "how many trolls are there" get anyway CUU: bUt i thoUght i already told yoU he doesn't have a pesterchUm... FCG: A PHONE NUMBER THEN? CUU: a phone nUmber? CUU: *facepalm* CUU: how coUld i have forgotten! CUU: we both always keep a phone with Us, to make sUre we can always come together whenever we are too far apart! CUU: alright, i will tell him then, bUt i'll *make sUre* the offer comes from yoU! FCG: FINALLY

STAGE 4 ==> 175 FCG: THIS SHIT IS PROGRESSING SOMEWHERE. CUU: i actUally... CUU: he promised to install pesterchUm jUst becaUse of yoU? CUU: he still wants to be sUre the offer comes from yoU, thoUgh. CUU: if this was me pranking him all along, he'll be sUre to snap my neck once he retUrns. FCG: TYPE: "YES, THE OFFER COMES FROM ME JUST AS REFUSE COMES FROM HUMAN ASSHOLES." FCG: THAT SHOULD CONVINCE HIM. CTG: puttin this as my mood message rn CUU: hUh... CTG: even though pesterchum doesnt have mood messages CTG: yknow what fuck it CUU: yUp! CUU: he even recognizes your insUlt style. CUU: i coUld never even begin coming Up with sUch insUlts, apparently. CUU: (i have no idea how many hand washes this is going to take to make this stink go away...) CUU: so, he will install pesterchUm... CUU: and when he does, he is going to be: CUU: ungodlyUltrartist CTG: well now we know who to ban before he even comes here CTG: talk about temporally owned FCG: HEY, WHO KNEW BEING IN THE FUTURE WOULD HAVE ITS OWN ADVANTAGES FCG: AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT, HE IS PESTERING ME *RIGHT THE FUCK NOW*. FCG: THAT IS TO SAY, AN HOUR IN THE FUTURE FCG: YOU KNOW THE DRILL. FCG: ALRIGHT, I'M DONE HERE. FCG ceased responding to memo. CTG: well thats one mystery solved CTG: apparently calidouche and co will come back from the reading in less than an hour CTG: and that must mean john and rose will too CTG: we must hold the conversation for them in that case CTG: quick we need topics to discuss CTG: preferably ones they can join without much hassle

176 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One Chapter 4.11. Inconvenient

"...Arrow. Again." Rose reluctantly took up the role of the reader for the group, yet again.

As it stood now, she didn't feel at the right place with the other readers of Homestuck at all. After all, if anything was to be considered, the others were all male, and two of them were adults. However, since it was Hussie's intent on not letting her go, and his intent was one which was enforced at all times, she had to give in.

She didn't even bother reading the white text in the console, though. The stuff had to be for programmers like... perhaps John? Rose wasn't even sure if John, as he was right here with her, understood what is going on. She knew for certain that the John in the comic did not, as the helpful annotation was there and she could get the right impression.

"SO. IS THERE GOING TO BE ANY EXPLANATION FOR WHAT'S GOING ON. RATHER THAN A SIMPLE "WHAT THE FuCK IS THIS."" Caliborn once again proved that he can break any train of thoughts with his shouts.

"There is going to be in ten or twenty pages." Hussie could only comment honestly.

"TEN OR TWENTY PAGES. THAT SOuNDS EXACTLY THE SAME AS ONE OR TWO THOuSAND PAGES. I.E. TOO LONG. WE NEED THIS SHIT EXPLAINED IMMEDIATELY."

"Oh, come on. Then there would be no puzzle aspect to the webcomic."

"THERE IS A PUZZLE ASPECT TO THE WEBCOMIC." The webcomic didn't really interest Caliborn, and he was only in because, like everyone else in the room, he was a Homestuck character.

"Yes. You don't just figure stuff out immediately. What fun would be in that?"

"FuCK YOu." Caliborn made a pause. "ALRIGHT. IS THERE GOING TO BE ANY EXPLANATION. IN THE DATA STRuCTuRES BOOK."

"You don't really get computers, do you?" In the room, as it turned out, Hussie was the only person who could be said to be good at computers, and he knew that data structures have nothing to do with console output. Nevertheless, there was a reason John was trying to learn about data structures; he was guided to this by Dave once the matters of the sylladex arose.

"I SYMPATHIZE WITH THE FACT THAT PROGRAMMING SHOULD BE AS ANNOYING AS POSSIBLE. MAINLY BECAUSE THAT WAY, MY SON WILL LEARN AN ACTUAL LIFE LESSON." Fatherly wisdom really didn't need to be a part of this read, but it somehow was.

"we'll talk about programming the other day." John attempted to silence his father.

"Well, actually, we're checking the data structures book right... we're not checking out the data structures book right now." Hussie clicked on the next page, only to be disappointed. It was a new record; being disappointed by your own webcomic. Hussie wanted to think of why this came to be

STAGE 4 ==> 177 and how did his style change throughout the years, if it did at all, but was distracted by yet another shout from his own alien creation.

"HEY. IS THIS KARKAT." Caliborn suddenly wondered.

"What?"

"THIS BuCKMINSTER FuNNYuNCLE GuY. SOuNDS LIKE KARKAT TO ME." After all, the cover of the Data Structures for Assholes book did feature cursewords (that John also recognized, since they were shouted to him in the CD version), and Karkat spoke in some very creative cursewords, as anyone who had a brief interaction with him could tell right now.

"No. Haha. You're really weird." This theory didn't even make any sense. How could Karkat, with zero access to the B1 universe and even less knowledge about programming than John, write such a thick book?

"alright, enough. what is the fetch modus about?"

"GUESS." Dad tried to encourage creative thinking within John, but he chose to observe the next page instead. "augh! queue. i always get stack and queue mixed up."

"One is First-In-First-Out, the other is First-In-Last-Out. How difficult can it be?" Rose swore that there was probably an alternate universe in which she was a great programmer, and John was a great therapist/friend thing.

"yes, i see your point, but which one is which?"

"Alright, then it's time for an analogy." Hussie decided that it was time for himself to explain, and he was dying to explain something that wasn't Homestuck. "Imagine standing in a queue. The first person who comes to the queue is the first to be served. Simple? Simple. And Stack is the other one then."

"huh." While John was blown away by the epiphany, others wanted to know how this logic applied to the sylladex system of Homestuck, because its inconveniences were the only comic relief so far. Therefore, Hussie clicked the next page, which showed how the logic of the queue data structure applied to Homestuck and how it could cause even more shenanigans.

"SEE? INCONVENIENT. THAT MEANS WE WILL LAuGH AT ZOOSMELL POOPLORD MORE AND MORE."

"YOU WILL STOP CALLING MY SON ZOOSMELL POOPLORD RIGHT NOW. THAT STOPPED BEING FUNNY WHEN THE COMIC BEGAN." John's father was now in an actual argument with Caliborn.

"I WILL CALL THE HOMESTuCK CHARACTERS HOWEVER I WANT. AND IT'S NOT LIKE YOu'RE MY CHERuB FATHER, SO YOu CAN'T REALLY DO ANYTHING."

"AS A HOMESTUCK CHARACTER MYSELF, I PROTEST THIS NOTION."

178 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "can we NOT have another all-caps argument? seriously." John only wanted to read the comic, rather than face another iteration of the Karkat/Caliborn relationship.

"How do you know the argument is all-caps?" As far as Hussie was concerned, the text wasn't really a thing people could see, and therefore they couldn't guess what the typing quirk was or anything.

"dunno. i have a feeling, i guess. may be related to... y'know."

"The fact that you are a Homestuck character?"

"yeah." Giving in, John decided to see the next page.

"SEE? ZOOSMELL POOPLORD IS SuCH A SHIT. HE CAN'T EVEN NOT MISPLACE HIS FETCH MODES OR WHATEVER." Caliborn was meaning to enjoy every minute of John's suffering, like a true sadist.

"...ONCE I'M DONE GROUNDING MY SON I WILL GROUND YOU." John's father was teaching the alien kid a lesson somehow. If he didn't do that, he wouldn't deserve the title of a dad, and the title of a dad was the one that needed the most protection. Chapter 4.12. Meteors and Mafia Gangs

CUU: i don't know... CUU: and honestly what yoU're sUggesting soUnds like a terrible idea! CUU: one shoUldn't jUst plain enforce topics to be discUssed. CUU: otherwise it jUst becomes a self-referential endless pitfall in which we only discUss the fact that we're trying to discUss something! CTG: so its a meta hole CTG: awesome CTG: rose would definitely get a kick outta that CTG: and then use so much vernacular about the topic and how it "says somethin bout us" that we get confused and fall asleep on our computers CGG: yeah CGG: sometimes she just cant shut up :/ CUU: i'm not the one to jUdge, bUt yoUr idea soUnds good! CUU: as long as one of the hUmans becomes a part of this, i'm sUre that either the other will join, or yoU will realize yoU don't even need the other! CTG: so meta stuff it is CGG: and... thats where it ends CUU: oh, for the love of... CTG: i guess we need karkat back CTG: but for all we know its impossible to get him back CTG: because hes probably talkin to past us in some weird time shitty way CTG: what was it that he said again about the present future CTG: meteors CTG: mafia gangs CTG: i refuse to believe he wasnt high on troll crack when he wrote this CTG: come on why else would he talk in all caps all the time CTG: he left his caps lock on after a drunken party and still hasnt recovered

STAGE 4 ==> 179 CTG: thats the only logical conclusion CTG: tho i wonder what the party was about CTG: prolly nothin relevant to us or homestuck in any way CTG: and also its an issue if the party was held on april 13th CTG: since thats the date of OUR awesome party CTG: you think that the two groups are already united enough by the fact that they met together CTG: oh hey didnt he mention he was a troll CTG: and didnt hussie mention trolls CTG: what if karkat is a part of homestuck as well CUU: dave? CTG: yes CUU: actUally, karkat's ideas, when pUt together, soUnd like a reasonable story! CUU: i mean, for the modern age, since cUrrent hUmans are particUlarly interested in the dystopia. CUU: now only if yoU add in the trolls and the cherUbim... CTG: ... CTG: ... CTG: ... CTG: bingo CTG: mystery of homestuck solved CTG: it is all meteors mafia gangs and aliens CTG: dont want to read any of it since i so obviously know whats going to happen CTG: just wanna enjoy my life as a homestuckian CGG: youre still assuming things about a comic youve never read in its entirety CTG: this isnt about the comic CTG: its about keepin the discussion CGG: well what would the discussion be about if it isnt the comic? CTG: shut up CTG: you so dont understand the concept of meta CGG: i do its just that meta isnt really worth talkin about! CTG: so is CGG: so isnt!!!! CGG: sorry for shouting CUU: so... i'll stay oUt Until yoU find something to discUss, then! CTG: fuck CTG: calliope you dont realize but we kinda need your help CTG: cause you knew us four for like a day CGG: dont try calling her back CGG: remember we can chat about plenty of things all alone! CGG: remember the minecraft server we were in not too long ago? CTG: i CTG: thats a thing as well apparently CTG: i dont think minecraft is the right thing to discuss though CTG: remember we need john and rose IN CGG: didnt you mention that they are not seeing what we are writing? CTG: yes CTG: your point being CGG: it doesnt matter what we hold the conversation for them with! CGG: either way itll turn out in our favor CGG: once they come around they will be ready to talk to us

180 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One CGG: and we could simply switch the topic for them! CTG: fair enough CTG: if youre interested in it so badly minecraft it is CTG: what was that which you were buildin CTG: which WE were buildin CGG: its a simple commemoration of what we used to call our home! CGG: there is my house CGG: in the middle of an island with the ruins and all CTG: ok no CTG: by discussin minecraft i meant discussin the TECHNICALITIES of minecraft CTG: how to defeat the ender dragon and all CTG: craftin recipes CTG: ore formation patterns CTG: what youre doin is youre bringin back the memories CGG: dont CGG: ok what youre trying to do is youre trying to keep the one topic that according to you must be discussed CGG: conversation just wont flow this way! CTG: and it doesnt CTG: already its like 40 mins since karkat left CTG: shit we only have 20 mins until john and rose arrive CTG: ... CTG: hey heres an idea CTG: why dont we just wait out the rest in silence CGG: nooooooo CGG: what if i fall asleep?? CTG: oh your narcolepsy thing CTG: guess livin in an island has its own perks CTG: did you like catch a tropical disease that no one knows about CTG: did a unique kind of snake bite you CGG: im pretty sure none of this was the case! CTG: look what you just made me do CTG: this uncool emotion called butterflies in my stomach CTG: alright fine then well talk about our memories CGG: yes!! CGG: even though butterflies in ones stomach isnt really an emotion CGG: i must agree that memories are the best thing to have around CGG: in fact ive got a solid amount of them from my entire life! CGG: though i wont bother puttin them to a story like karkat wanted to CGG: ill simply tell them right then and there going on as i... CGG: go on! CTG: alright here goes CURRENT ectaBiologist [CEB] RIGHT NOW responded to memo. CEB: hi! CURRENT tentacleTherapist95 [CTT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo. CTT: Hello. CTG: fuck

STAGE 4 ==> 181 Chapter 4.13. Outdated

"John: Put down razor." As Rose was saying this, she took another arrow candy, even though the update in question was not an arrow. Nevertheless, she brought John's father's attention, since he had never seen the candy. "THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE WITCHCRAFT. THERE IS NO WAY IN WHICH THIS CANDY COULD BE MATHEMATICALLY AND PHYSICALLY CONSTRUCTED." he commented.

"WELL IT VERY WELL IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOu. SO YOu MIGHT AS WELL DEAL WITH IT." Caliborn retorted. He would do anything to push the human adult to his side, despite being a petty alien child and already having shown everyone that he is one.

"how hard can putting stuff down be?" John, on the other hand, was invested in the page that glowed before him.

"This hard, apparently. It just serves to show that the game is no easy task to master." Hussie's wisdom was the best wisdom.

While Dad was tasting the candy, Hussie decided that there was no reason to stay here. After all, sylladex shenanigans were best experienced in fast motion, perhaps even to the Benny Hill theme. However, the Benny Hill theme wasn't written by the Homestuck music team and therefore wasn't included in Homestuck. Nevertheless, it was a good analogy.

"MY CAKES WILL NOT BE DEAD WEIGHT. I WOULD TRIPLE GROUND YOU, BUT THE FACT IS THAT, FOR A WHILE, I WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GREEN PEST AS WELL AS MY OWN SON." Dad knew where to pull a sanity stop on things.

"Don't blame him for playing the game. And besides, as I might have stated, John in the game is not John sitting right here." Rose, at this point, had decided that John's familial relationship needed fixing right now, and decided to take her first steps in getting the father and the son to reconcile after what seemed like a harmless webcomic.

"ON THE CONTRARY. THE FACT IS THAT I CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO DEAL WITH THE LIPS MAN, AS HE ALSO HAPPENS TO BE MY OWN CREATOR, IN A TWISTED WAY. THEREFORE, I LASH OUT IN A MOTION OF STERN FATHERLY DISAPPROVAL."

"STERN WHAT. CAN WE NOT HAVE THIS ARGuMENT RIGHT NOW?" Caliborn, disgusted as he always is, clicked on the next page link himself, and saw that there was going on to be nothing more than John picking up cakes. However, the fact that the comic's John's razor cut off a part of his hair got Caliborn to clap excitedly again. "YEEEEEEEEEEES. SOMEDAY ZOOSMELL'S INVENTORY SYSTEM WILL KILL HIM. I JuST KNOW IT."

"ALRIGHT. WE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. LET'S MOVE ON." Taking another arrow candy, Dad clicked on the blue link (that, surprisingly enough, wasn't an arrow) and watched the events that he was anticipating.

"Ah, now the towel becomes a part of the joke as well. Really, let's sigh for Homestuck all together." However, no one listened to Rose. The readers preferred to sigh whenever a plot twist

182 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One touched them specifically. As for Caliborn, he was simply looking forward to moments to laugh at, and when they did not come around, he sighed.

"i think this thing needs to stop. we all want to see what's in that package." John looked over the page, seeing that his own situation is going to be no better.

"NO." Caliborn threw one candy arrow at the projected arrow and another at John, willing to make this more exciting. "HERE. HAVE THESE ARROWS SLAM YOuR FACE LIKE THE RAZOR DOES. HOPING THEY KILL YOu."

"no!"

"WHAT WAS THAT OUTDATED PIECE OF TECHNOLOGY DOING IN THE COMIC ANYWAY?" Dad wondered. Though, knowing that this answer would have to wait, he looked as the website's contents changed yet again.

"TG. So my assumption that it's from Dave was correct." Rose smiled at her own deductive talent. Now the only thing left to do was to see what was inside the package. But that was not going to be without...

"YuP. MORE STuFF THAT ZOOSMELL OWNS THAT ACTIVELY TRIES TO KILL HIM." Caliborn hoped – no, he knew – that maybe, in the very least, John's arc would end soon and the comic would move on to more interesting characters.

John's father shed a tear for one of his precious cakes and decided that it was time to click on. As of now, John seemed to pick up more stuff that would be rather deadly if it was flying fast – that is, glass shards from the recently broken window. As everyone anticipated, the shards broke the window even harder.

"ZOOSMELL'S END IS NIGH." Caliborn looked, expecting more shenanigans to take place, but what happened was the complete opposite. As the pages of the comic moved on, the results of the disaster were shown as the items were out and the cake was outright on the street, ready to be driven on by any rogue car, but then the comic moved on to actually show what was inside.

"i have a feeling this is going to be something awesome." John, leaning towards the projected screen, couldn't hold his breath. He even dropped a half-eaten arrow candy on the floor, and waited for the webcomic's page to change.

And thus, it changed to reveal a stuffed rabbit. John read the panel after the text, smiling more and more with each sentence read, and only muttering "oh hell yes. hell fucking yes." to himself when he was done.

"Memorabilia from one of your movies. I should have anticipated this myself. I still fail to see, though, how it is ironic. Dave wouldn't gift something like that if it wasn't ironic, right?" Rose did not understand the commotion.

STAGE 4 ==> 183 "WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY, SON. LOOKS LIKE THE WEBCOMIC IS IN YOUR FAVOR." You couldn't tell, but Dad was smoking his pipe ever-so-slightly stronger, as it was his own way to show excitement.

"FuuuuuuuuuuuCK. I WILL NEVER LIVE THIS DOWN." It was truly the worst moment for Caliborn. After going through so much trouble, the comic's John was excited. The only possibility for now, for Caliborn, was to make him pay with his own blood and tears; to teach him a proper lesson, so to say. Chapter 4.14. Too Fast

"John: Check status of Sburb beta." Rose read. There was nothing special about this page; there were simply two notifications emanating from John's computer, one related to instant messaging and the other to the Sburb house logo. There was no reason to spend any more time here, and instead Hussie decided to move on to where John's computer was actually shown with all the juicy details of Sburb and the message.

John read the white text in the black console over and over, but had no idea what it meant, being the least caught up with the current times among all the readers, and there were good candidates for that role, such as his own father. Helplessly, John asked: "so... any explanation?"

Hussie quickly clicked on so that John wouldn't see that the comic was on the next page already. Therefore, the impression was maintained that the Pesterchum window suddenly showed up on the computer in the comic. Hussie then began elaborating: "Look, the explanation is in the little Pesterchum window. Oh, wait, I can just click "Show Pesterlog"..."

"NO. I PROTEST AGAINST OPENING ANY PESTERLOGS FROM THIS POINT ON."

"I PROTEST YOUR PROTEST. EVERYONE AROUND HERE WANTS TO LEARN MORE ABOUT MY SON'S FRIENDS." Dad and Caliborn could never reasonably become the same couple. Caliborn missed Karkat, and wished that there would be some way to get him back. If only Caliborn had had a Pesterchum... He wanted to think of a chumhandle for himself, but the matter of fact was that he needed to upkeep the argument, and therefore he continued:

"I PROTEST AGAIN. BECAuSE THE META HOLE WILL NOT GET DEEPER. YOuR SON'S FRIENDS ARE ALL LAMEASSES."

"I thought I had just delivered a reasonable argument that I am not a "lameass" or whatever petty insult you want to refer me to..." Rose kept being disappointed by her male company throughout the read.

"YES, IN FACT YOu ARE, FLIGHTYMOuTH."

"DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, TENTACLE FRIEND."

"THE BORING PIPED MAN HAS NO IDEA HOW BORING YOu ARE. HE HASN'T SPENT A PERIOD OF READING HOMOSuCK WITH YOu."

184 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "AS A MATTER OF FACT, I HAVE. IT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. AND I MUST SAY THAT THE TENTACLE FRIEND IS PARTICULARLY WISE."

"NO SHE'S FuCKING NOT."

"YES, SHE IS."

"NOPE!" John interrupted the argument once again. He was not living through another iteration of what had happened recently. "by that, rose, i don't mean you're dumb. just so we're clear on the matter, and we remain on good terms. i could never lose you, dave or jade."

"Thank you. I was about to make a point about it myself, but couldn't bring my own voice up to this level." Even though she didn't show it, Rose was just as distressed over the shouting as John was, if not more. She didn't spend that much time around other people who shout; her mother could occasionally be found drunk singing, but she was at least trying to incorporate a melody into her shouting, and Rose could do her best to imagine the melody. But as of now, this argument had not been getting constructive in any way.

"Except when you're grimdark, that is." Hussie continued his spoiler parade.

"Well, maybe if I completely gave into the dark side I could shout as loud as the younger Egbert can. But the point stands that I cannot, and therefore the argument ends."

"Oh, for the love of..." Hussie remembered that he should stick to the no-spoiler stance that he had developed not too long ago.

"alright. so... am i supposed to assume the game will begin?"

"Yes, indeed." Hussie swore that John had much more wits than he was willing to admit. This was, in fact, one of his bigger potentials.

"lucky i guessed that." John thus decided to click on the next page himself, and watched as his computer screen inside the MS Paint Adventures website inside Hussie's computer screen faded to white and a simple spirograph design. Though, Caliborn kept twisting his finger, trying to recognize how the spirograph design was simple, and ended up just plain giving up. Instead, he decided to show that he was never satisfied, and commented with the same template comment again: "YuP. BECAuSE WE NEED MORE BORING FILLER PAGES."

"I am beginning to doubt that Homestuck is this immense in length." Rose was a bit confused.

"It is. Close to one million words. And you cannot fathom how large one million words is."

"YES, ONE CAN." Dad was one of the beings of pure logic, and had an ideal structure on life, including the notion that anything can be visualized.

"No, one cannot. It is simply too big for mankind. Homestuck is something to remain outside the bounds of mankind's comprehension." Hussie retorted, as per his usual style that meant to convey that he was a godlike being.

STAGE 4 ==> 185 Though, knowing that the people needed to watch the animation with sound, Hussie proceeded to click the page. The page, though, immediately ended up distracting Caliborn in all the wrong ways.

"HEY. WHAT THE FuCK. EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING TOO FAST." Caliborn didn't realize that while an [S] page was ongoing, he needed to remain silent. But the fact was that, due to cherub biology, he had gotten a headache. No one even bothered to deal with cherub biology anymore, and instead people watched the flashing messages. Needless to say, no one except for Hussie understood them, and instead it was a simple waiting game set to catchy music until the game was fully loaded and only a black screen with green text reading "SBURB" remained.

"that's it! finally the game is on." John was excited.

"Indeed. Now just to not completely fuck it up." Rose didn't swear all the time, but when she did, there definitely was something going on.

"hey, this sburb seems all too familiar. what did karkat mention again?" John remembered.

"Sgrub." Hussie filled John in.

"yeah! kind of familiar names there, y'know." Still trying to wrap his head around everything Homestuck, John took a deep breath and was ready to commence with the next major part of Homestuck's Act 1. END OF STAGE 4

186 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One STAGE 5 ==>

Chapter 5.1. Fake Prophet

The last batch of pages had concluded with a reasonable point where tension was developing and new plot elements could be immediately introduced, and therefore it was only right for the readers to stop and discuss before the plot of Homestuck immediately overwhelmed them. Caliborn began: "AND IT ONLY TOOK SOME ONE HuNDRED PAGES BEFORE A STuPID IMPORTANT THING HAPPENED."

"One hundred and thirty-seven, in fact." Rose was still keeping track of the precise number.

"Take that attitude to the thousands. I dare you." Hussie wasn't on the best terms with Rose. In fact, he felt weird while writing her during the old days, since her character was so far away from his. He didn't know how a character like her came to him at all; nothing resembling her had come out of Hiveswap, Problem Sleuth, And It Don't Stop, or really anything. She was the true glitch in the fabric of paradox space.

"THE COMIC'S STYLE IS UNIQUE. HOWEVER, I REALLY HAVE NO SAY ON THE MATTER, GIVEN THAT ANY WORDS THAT I SAY WILL BE BIASED DUE TO THE MERE FACT THAT I AM ONE OF THE CHARACTERS OF THE COMIC." Dad's words were simple and to the point.

"I could agree with that one." Rose still felt uneasy around the adult, but still felt that he had some merit.

"alright, so more of the comic it is, right?" The break in plot seemed to be as brief as the break in the read, in the very least to John.

"Well, that's the case unless I get more guests in the meantime, like Karkat. And the answer is..." Hussie looked at the watch that he didn't have, because as someone who had to work as fast as he could, deadlines and any sort of timekeeping that wasn't key dates was meaningless to him. "Nope."

However, Hussie didn't anticipate a Pesterchum sound to follow his words. "Alright, it seems I do have a guest from the wide internet. I wonder who it is." He disappeared in a flash, leaving John, Rose, Caliborn and Dad confused.

"WHAT ON EARTH WAS THAT." Caliborn was the go-to guy for shouting into the void whenever it was possible.

"HE WILL BE BACK SHORTLY. JUST WATCH." Fatherly wisdom was the best wisdom.

STAGE 5 ==> 187 -- gallicksCalibrator [GC] began pestering timelessExpanse [TE] --

GC: H3Y 4NDR3W GC: 4NDR3W HUSS13 GC: TH4T 1S YOUR N4M3 R1GHT >:? TE: Uh, how did you contact me? GC: K4RK4T TOLD M3 4BOUT YOU DUH GC: SO YOUR3 TH3 GUY WHOS K1ND OF R3SPONS1BL3 FOR OUR 3X1ST3NC3 1N 4 TW1ST3D B4CKW4RDS W4Y 1S TH4T R1GHT? TE: Yeah? TE: Terezi, you should probably step off of me right now. GC: DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN GC: 3XC3PT NOT R34LLY S1NC3 K4RK4T TOLD M3 TH1S W4S TO B3 3XP3CT3D S1NC3 YOU KN3W H1S N4M3 4S W3LL TE: Karkat... TE: He is alive and well, back where he lives, right? GC: Y34H GC: H3 S4YS H3 W4S 3NL1GHT3N3D BY TH3 3XP3R13NC3 GC: 4ND H3 F1N4LLY C4M3 CLOS3 TO SOM3ON3 WHO 1SNT 4 TROLL! TE: That would be Caliborn, right? GC: OK 1 4CC3PT YOUR3 OMN1SC13NT 4ND 4LL GC: MUCH L1K3 V4N1LL4 M1LKSH4K3 1N F4CT GC: BUT YOU COULDNT POSS1BLY KNOW WH4T 1SNT 1NS1D3 TH3 COM1C TE: Actually, Karkat was at my home with him. TE: I overheard everything that these two all-caps aliens said. TE: And by that I mean everything. GC: OH GC: TH3N YOUR3 MOST L1K3LY 4 WORTHL3SS F4K3 PROPH3T WHO SHOULD B3 D1SR3G4RD3D 1MM3D14T3LY GC: T1M3 TR4V3L 4ND PR3D3ST1N4T1ON 4R3 F4K3 TH1NGS 4NYW4Y 4S K4RK4T W4S SUR3 TO T3LL M3 TE: Actually, no! TE: There is a great amount of predestination involved, it's just that... TE: The whole thing where you're on the Earth is not supposed to happen! GC: WH4T DO YOU M34N NOT SUPPOS3D TO H4PP3N? GC: W3 CR34T3D TH3 34RTH WH3N W3 WON SGRUB 4ND W3 B3G4N TO CL41M 1T FOR OUR OWN 1N TW1ST3D B4CKH4ND3D W4YS GC: JUST B4CKST4BB1NG 3V3RYON3 TH4T D4R3S G3T 1N OUR W4Y 1N 4 M3T4PHOR1C4L S3NS3 TE: Listen, how much of Homestuck have you read so far? GC: WH4T 1S HOM3STUCK? TE: Shoot, I meant Hivebent. GC: JUST TH4T ON3 P4G3 W1TH K4RK4T GC: COM1CS DO NOT 1NT3R3ST M3 UNL3SS TH3R3S 4 SH4D3 OF 1RONY 1N TH3M! GC: 4ND 1 H4V3 NO R34SON TO B3L13V3 TH3Y SHOULD 3V3N 1F 1 M1GHT B3 4 CH4R4CT3R 1N TH3M TE: Listen, then you'll be tagging along us, okay? TE: Of course, not physically, since I can't just teleport people around. TE: I can do pretty crazy things with my authorial powers, but they're really limited. GC: BUT 1 THOUGHT YOU W3R3 B4S1C4LLY TH3 S4M3 4S M1LKSH4K3 R1GHT? TE: No, I'm definitely nothing like Milk... I mean Doc Scratch. TE: Those are First Guardians, and I'm pretty sure each planet has only one.

188 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One TE: And in the case of the Earth in which you and I live, I am not the First Guardian. TE: That would be a dog named Becquerel. GC: TH3 34RTH 1S R34LLY W31RD GC: TH3Y DONT 3V3N W4NT TO CONQU3R SP4C3 B3C4US3 TH4T 1S 4 W4ST3 OF MON3Y 4PP4R3NTLY SO TH3Y D3C1D3 TO JUST D3V3LOP T3CHNOLOGY 4ND L1V3 L1F3 ON 34RTH GC: 4ND ON TOP OF TH4T TH3R3 1S 4 F4K3 PROPH3T WHO 4PP4R3NTLY CR34T3D US 3V3N THOUGH 1N R34L1TY W3 CR34T3D H1M TE: I did create Home... Hivebent, that is. TE: Listen, can we agree to call it Homestuck? TE: Because that is the name of the whole adventure. TE: Didn't Karkat tell you? GC: HMM GC: 4S 4 M4TT3R OF F4CT Y3S H3 D1D GC: THOUGH 1 DONT G3T WH4T 1S TH3 D1FF3R3NC3 B3TW33N HOM3STUCK 4ND H1V3B3NT GC: HUH GC: DONT T3LL M3 GC: 4R3 TH3 M41N CH4R4CT3RS OF HOM3STUCK 4CTU4LLY HUM4NS? TE: Yes. TE: As a matter of fact, yes, they are. TE: Four humans named John Egbert, Rose Lalonde, Dave Strider and Jade Harley, who also happen to live in the same town as me, as of very recently. GC: YOU LUR3D TH3M 1N GC: DONT L13 TO M3 TE: No, I didn't. GC: 1 ST1LL DONT G3T 1T GC: 4R3 YOU 4 R34L PROPH3T OR 4 F4K3 PROPH3T? GC: S1NC3 4S OF R1GHT NOW TH3 M4TT3R 1S 1NCONCLUS1V3 TE: We'll sort this stuff out later, okay? TE: For now I can only suggest you to virtually participate in the Homestuck read, but we're already some one hundred pages in and you'd need catching up... GC: NO GC: T3LL M3 TH3 TRUTH R1GHT NOW GC: B3C4US3 WH3N 1 DONT H4V3 TH3 TRUTH 1 G3T M4D L1K3 4 R34L JUDG3 WOULD GC: 4ND YOU WOULDNT L1K3 M3 WH3N 1M M4D GC: >:P

STAGE 5 ==> 189 Chapter 5.2. Human Karkat

TE: The truth? TE: What can there be to the truth? TE: I'm the creator of Homestuck and Hivebent, and characters such as John and Rose, which also include you and Karkat, are my creations. TE: How hard could it be to understand? GC: YOUR3 ST1LL NOT T3LL1NG TH3 WHOL3 TRUTH THOUGH GC: 1 KNOW DONT L13 TO M3 GC: SOM3TH1NG 1S ST1LL 4M1SS TE: Oh, really? GC: HOW COULD YOU CR34T3 US GC: WH3N W3 CR34T3D YOU GC: W3 PL4Y3D SGRUB 4ND BROUGHT TH3 3NT1R3 34RTH UN1V3RS3 TO 3X1ST3NC3 1NCLUD1NG YOU TE: That is only a formality, though... TE: You can keep the belief to yourself, but... GC: K4RK4T S4YS TH3 S4M3 TE: Damn, you type faster than me and still have your leetspeak on. GC: 1 US3 P3ST3RCHUMS QU1RK1F13R GC: DO3S TH3 JOB FOR M3 4ND N3V3R M1SS3S 4 L3TT3R GC: QU1RK1NG H4S N3V3R B33N 34S13R >:P GC: 4NYW4Y WH4T 1 M34N 1S GC: K4RK4T 4LSO S4YS TH3 S4M3 GC: TH4T W3 H4D NO CONTROL OV3R WH4T W3 CR34T3D 4ND TH3R3FOR3 1TS FOR TH3 B3TT3R TO 4SSUM3 TH4T SGRUB CR34T3D TH3 34RTH GC: BUT COM3 TO TH1NK OF 1T TH3 CR34T1ON OF TH3 34RTH 1S 4 D1R3CT CONS3QU3NC3 OF OUR 4CT1ONS GC: S4M3 FOR YOU TE: I meant to say the truth is that you're fictional characters who believe they played Sburb, yadda yadda. GC: SBURB GC: 1 4M UNF4M1L14R W1TH SBURB C4N YOU 3NL1GHT3N M3? TE: Snap... TE: Sgrub. TE: I meant Sgrub. TE: Sorry, Terezi. TE: Anyway, what I mean is... TE: ...what I mean is, imagine that you were created, but at the same time made to believe that you existed since your wriggling. TE: Kind of like computer programs that, once instantiated, act and behave as if they were always there? TE: Oh who am I kidding, that is only a thing within Homestuck. GC: YOU M34N H1V3B3NT TE: No, I mean Homestuck. TE: Hivebent is but a small part of Homestuck. TE: A fan favorite, as a whole class of Homestuck fans skipped to Act 5... GC: 4CT 5 >:? TE: Homestuck in its entirety is composed of 7 acts. TE: There are also intermissions, act acts and act act acts, but I'll refrain from telling all the details for now. TE: Don't worry, though.

190 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One TE: Our read is still at Act 1. TE: Catching up will be practically nothing. GC: OK TH3N GC: 1 ST1LL S3NS3 TH4T SOM3TH1NG 1S M1SS1NG FROM TH3 COMPL3T3 P1CTUR3 GC: BUT 1 GU3SS TH4T 1LL H4V3 TO COLL3CT MOR3 3V1D3NC3 FOR TH4T GC: 4SK OTH3R TROLLS 4ROUND GC: 4SK H1V3B3NT F4NS 4ROUND GC: S1NC3 4PP4R3NTLY TH3YR3 4 TH1NG GC: STUFF L1K3 TH4T TE: I'm not sure what the detective game will conclude with, but do things in your best intent. TE: Still, you don't want to join us? GC: WH4T 1S 4CT 1 GO1NG TO T3LL M3 1F 4CT 5 1S TH3 R3L3V4NT ON3 TE: Act 5 is not- TE: Look, this will probably take too long to explain all by myself, and there are others who know some stuff already. TE: So, just in case, I'll be hooking you up with them instead. TE: Hang on while I bring a webcam and a second-hand livestream website.

-- timelessExpanse [TE] ceased pestering gallicksCalibrator [GC] --

As John, Rose, Caliborn and Dad were discussing what had happened to them in the past two days, Andrew Hussie appeared in the projector room, as suddenly as he disappeared, holding one of those cameras you could buy from a shop and use to talk on Skype.

"So, you're telling me that all this commotion was to bring a webcam." Rose was extremely disappointed. This was perhaps the most disappointing thing that Hussie had ever done.

"Turns out we do have another guest. She is a troll like Karkat. It's just that she won't be joining us in person." The webcam disappeared in Hussie's hands and appeared pinned just above the projected screen, made to look down on the readers. In addition, a small status bar appeared below the MS Paint Adventures website, up until this point used to facilitate the read of Homestuck by different groups of people. So far, nothing had appeared on the status bar in question, so Hussie spoke to the camera: "Say hi, Terezi."

After a while, a message appeared on the status bar: "GC: H1 >:]". It was written in a teal color, which seemed nothing like the colors which the humans and cherubim typed in.

Immediately when she saw the message, Rose had a question. "Excuse me... Terezi, did you just type the number one instead of the letter I?" Not too long, an answer appeared on the screen: "W3LL TH4T WOULD BE MY QU1RK >:P". Another one followed not too long after: "4LL TH3 TROLLS H4V3 ON3 OR 4NOTH3R QU1RK TO D1ST1NGU1SH TH3MS3LV3S".

"HuH. SO BASICALLY JuST LIKE THE CHERuBIM. GuESS THAT LEAVES HuMANS. AS THE ODD ONES OuT." Caliborn smiled. He definitely needed to hang out with the trolls more.

STAGE 5 ==> 191 John put forth his introduction. "hi terezi! i'm john, and you'll see me in the comic, like, a LOT. so far, it seems to only be about me. i can't really tell why." The response to him was: "SO B4S1C4LLY YOUR3 HUM4N K4RK4T".

John frowned at the comparison. "i am nothing like karkat! you immediately take that back." However, before Terezi could respond, Caliborn chimed in: "OF COuRSE. SINCE YOu'RE AN INCOMPETENT POOPLORD. WHO COuLD NEVER BE, AND I QuOTE. "THE AMAZING LEADER"."

So that no one could get in her way, Terezi typed ">:/". She followed it up with: "TH4TS PROB4BLY WHY YOUR GROUP H4SNT GOTT3N V3RY F4R". Hussie read the message and immediately decided to get to the matter at hand. "Why don't we begin, then? Hang on, gotta copy- paste where we are." Without a motion of his hand, Hussie managed to post the link to the current MS Paint Adventures page, which appeared in place of Terezi's response. She then typed "OK" and, back in Philadelphia, clicked on the link.

Therefore, after a brief pause, the reading of Homestuck was once again on. Chapter 5.3. Not Even Speaking

"Arrow. Again... and again..." In despair, Rose picked up another arrow candy and swallowed it whole, not even bothering to chew. It was as if these arrows were a literal staple of Homestuck, meant to follow its readers throughout the endless, timeless adventure.

This thinking was now interrupted by Terezi, represented by a single chatlog line. She typed: "TH1S G4M3 LOOKS 4N 4WFUL LOT L1K3 SGRUB". No one except herself could note it at the time, but she was definitely puzzled by this development.

"It's Sburb." Hussie made a correction.

"S33MS TH4T TH3 CYCL3 OF UN1V3RS3 CR34T1ON CONT1NU3S 1N TH3 W3BCOM1C TH3N" Terezi typed. She then continued: "1 SUPPOS3 1TS FOR TH3 B3TT3R / 1 COULDNT B34R TO S33 4N UN1V3RS3 4S N1C3 4S YOURS GO DOWN TH3 LO4D G4P3R!"

"the load gaper?" John was unfamiliar with the troll terms.

"The toilet." As it stood, Hussie was the only person here to understand both human and troll terms. Terezi followed up with a "Y34H TH4T".

"I look forward to learning more troll terms for things." Rose concluded. The new species that seemingly was introduced to her together with Homestuck was certainly interesting, and she wished that someone else besides Karkat would come. However, most of them were too far away to show up, and even the closer ones could only show up occasionally, if they didn't move in permanently like her human friends did.

"4LR1GHT L3TS S33 HOW SBURB 1S D1FF3R3NT FROM SGRUB 1F 1T 1S D1FF3R3NT 1N 4NY W4Y / N3XT P4G3 PL34S3 >:?" Terezi typed, and Hussie nodded, clicking on the next page.

192 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One Back in her home, she clicked as well and looked over how the comic's Rose was manipulating John's room.

"Hmm. A command for me. Strangely enough, it is not to retrieve arms or anything." For Rose, this was definitely a first.

"You will have to soon enough." Hussie was only speaking with knowledge of Homestuck.

"YEAH. JuST BECAuSE YOu ARE ABLE TO WRECK ZOOSMELL'S ROOM YOu SHOuLDN'T BE COMPLETELY RELAXED. THE VENGEANCE IS STILL TO COME."

"WHO 1S ZOOSM3LL >:?" Given that Terezi had not read Homestuck up to this point, she was unaware.

"John. At the beginning of the adventure, John was accidentally called Zoosmell Pooplord and Caliborn latched onto the name." Hussie was quick to explain.

"W41T SO C4L1BORN 1S TH3 GR33N ON3? WH4T SP3C13S 1S H3 4NYW4Y?" And not only that, but she also wasn't aware of who was really who on the set.

"A CHERuB. YOu'RE WELCOME." While Caliborn said this, Terezi also heard a click in the background, presumably leading to the next page. Therefore, she herself motioned to proceed through the comic and continue commenting on it. To her, Sburb and Sgrub definitely looked near- identical (as much as she had memory of Sgrub), but the real question was how humans would perceive the game, and they did not do it well, beginning with John, who said:

"i'm not even going to bother learning how this feature of sburb works."

"Basically, you don't have to. The 3D magic is done on its own. Except Homestuck is not really 3D, it's more isometric, but the point remains understood." Having trouble while stumbling upon his own words, Hussie decided to click on, and watched as the magic chest was dropped on the roof.

"I immediately extend the apologies of my alternate in the comic to myself, and promise that no frivolous activities like this are going to happen." Rose felt sorry for herself.

"How do you know if the majority of Homestuck is yet to happen?" Hussie was truly an honest man, as much as he was an actual man.

"I can still make a promise, right?"

"DON'T EQuATE THE BITCH BEHIND THE SCREEN TO YOuRSELF. SIMPLE AS THAT." Caliborn knew his way around stories, even if it was his own unique way.

"HOW M4NY HOM3STUCK CH4R4CT3RS 3X1ST 4NYW4Y / L1K3 1 M34N / HOW M4NY P3OPL3 1N TH1S ROOM 4R3 HOM3STUCK CH4R4CT3RS" Terezi typed. She still had questions over the general setting, but supposedly simply hanging out with the group would help and answer all the questions.

STAGE 5 ==> 193 "All of them." Hussie commented, perhaps a bit too proudly.

A sequence of messages then followed, and the others read them, since the alternative to read Homestuck wasn't especially appealing. The messages read: "TH4TS W31RD / BUT 4NYW4Y 1F W3R3 ST1LL B4R3LY SCR4TCH1NG TH3 SURF4C3 TH3N 1TS T1M3 TO MOV3 ON / MY QU3ST1ON 4T TH1S PO1NT WOULD B3 / WH3N 1S 1T NOT T1M3 TO MOV3 ON".

"Then let's move on." Hussie, once again, clicked on, and the setting had switched back to John.

"yeeeeees. there's the missing modus." John was glad that details like this were eventually resolved.

"I DEMAND THIS SCENE TO BE CuT IMMEDIATELY." Caliborn, on the other hand, was not. However, moments when he was glad were typically misfortunes of others, and this was definitely not one of them. "I WANT JOHN TO REMAIN A DuMB SHIT WHO LOSES STuFF ALL AROuND THROuGHOuT THE COMIC. LIKE THE POOPLORD THAT HE IS. BECAuSE I DID NOT SAY "JOHN"."

Terezi, puzzled over the strange mention, typed: "4CTU4LLY 1F YOU COMM3NT TH4T YOU D1D NOT S4Y SOM3TH1NG TH4T 4UTOM4T1C4LLY M4K3S YOU S4Y TH3 TH1NG".

"SAYS THE ONE WHO ISN'T EVEN SPEAKING. OR HERE."

"YUP / 1 S4Y 4ND 1M NOT SP34K1NG / D3C1D3 FOR ONC3"

"FuCK. THAT'S A FIGuRE OF SPEECH. THE WORD "SAYS" IS SIMPLY uSED WHEN YOu CONVEY THOuGHTS THROuGH WHATEVER METHOD. HOW DIFFICuLT IS IT TO uNDERSTAND?"

"4S D1FF1CULT 4S 3V3RYTH1NG 3LS3 TH4T YOU S4Y THROUGH YOUR 4CTU4L MOUTH" Because of the poor sound quality, Terezi, indeed, had trouble distinguishing Caliborn's words, and the strange grammar structures that were alien to both humans and trolls didn't help.

"I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOu. WHERE'S KARKAT AGAIN?" Caliborn had finally learned that not all trolls are the same.

"K4RK4T 1S 4TT3ND1NG TO H1S L34D3R DUT13S / UNT1L TH3N 1 W1LL F1LL 1N TH3 G4P OF NO TROLLS ON YOUR H1V3B3NT R34D"

"Homestuck. What you're reading is Homestuck." Hussie corrected Terezi.

"W3LL TH3N L3TS R34D HOM3STUCK" On her own end, Terezi patiently waited for the telltale clicking sound to appear and for the reading to continue.

194 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One Chapter 5.4. Foreign Languages

"Arrow. Seriously. How many arrows are around in Homestuck?" Rose was leaning to take yet another arrow candy. By now she had already forgotten about the self-replenishing feature of the bowl, but the point remained that they didn't seem to run out anytime soon.

"Not enough, Rose. Not enough by a nautical mile."

The arrow, as it had been clear to all the readers of Homestuck, was a much better representation of the comic than the house logo or the spirograph symbol. In fact, on closer inspection, it looked quite similar to the house logo, if it was turned sideways. Perhaps the two had some sort of intrinsic relation, since it would only make sense for a grand epic to have those kinds of relations, connecting the whole webcomic together into a single unit.

These were Rose's thoughts, at least. John, in the meantime, was thinking that the comic should better have not made fun of him again, while Caliborn was rooting for the exact opposite. Hussie had taken a neutral stance, given that he was supposed to know everything that happened and was going to happen within the universe.

Lastly, while still in Philadelphia, Terezi couldn't even guess what the guests of Hussie were thinking. Therefore, she had completely different things on her mind, such as learning as much about Homestuck as fast as possible. Therefore, her first response once she saw the page was "1 4M PR3SUM1NG TH1S 1S TH3 JOHN HUM4NS HOM3".

"well, it DOES kind of look like my home, before i moved to hussie's town." John had some memory.

"Easthampton."

"I ELECT TO KEEP THIS NAME." Caliborn began his tirade that was barely relevant to anything, yet again. "EVEN IF HOMOSuCK BECOMES RELEVANT GLOBALLY. BECAuSE NAMING ANYTHING AFTER HuSSIE OR HOMOSuCK IS A HORRIBLE IDEA."

"We don't know what the distant future will bring." In all seriousness, though, Andrew Hussie hoped to have left some sort of mark on history. As of the present day, Homestuck was widely read, but there was still the chance that it will be lost in the mist of time, and no one will remember.

However, putting these thoughts aside, Hussie clicked on the next page, letting his own characters read, seeing how Sburb wasn't an all-powerful thing.

"And therefore, another limitation of Sburb is exposed." Rose commented.

"JUST L1K3 SGRUB 1N TH4T C4S3" The memory of Sgrub was very distant, but nevertheless Terezi strived to remember. "3XC3PT FOR ON3 TH1NG / TH3 LOGO 4S F4R 4S 1 R3M3MB3R 1S TW3LV3 SQU4R3S NOT FOUR"

"This, of course, is connected with the fact that in Homestuck, Sburb is played by four people, while in Hivebent, Sgrub is played by twelve trolls..."

STAGE 5 ==> 195 "STOP" Terezi quickly typed and hit enter to get Hussie's attention. "HOW D1D YOU KNOW TH4T TH3R3 W3R3 TW3LV3 OF US?"

"Stupid question. I wrote Homestuck." There were stupid questions about Homestuck and then there was this.

"1M PR3TTY SUR3 YOU S41D H1V3B3NT NOT TOO LONG 4GO" Terezi, on the other hand, continued collecting evidence.

"Alright then, in the B1 and A2 universes. The whole thing is still called Homestuck, no matter how hard you try." You could not expect to beat Andrew Hussie in his own game. Well, okay, Homestuck was a webcomic, but that didn't change the fact that there was some sort of mind game going on between himself and Terezi, or, as she was known in Homestuck, the Seer of Mind.

"the b WHAT universes?" John questioned the unknown terms.

"HOMOSuCK. YOu ARE STILL FORGETTING ONE KEY DETAIL." Caliborn continued using his insistent terminology.

"C4N W3 STOP 4RGU1NG >:?"

"NO." As well as that, Caliborn was actively trolling, meaning to slow down the progress of Homestuck with every word that he said, just so its characters could suffer more. This wasn't the way literature worked, as it was set in a given amount of time, but he could at least try.

"yes! i would like to learn before arguing." John, already, had become interested in the mechanics, seeing as the part where he was mocked endlessly was now over.

"What would you like to learn?"

"what did you say again about the universes?"

"B1 and A2. Basically, there are two universes, A and B (letters), and then they are divided into their pre-Scratch and post-Scratch versions, so there's A1, A2, B1 and B2 (numbers). A2 is where our troll guests such as Karkat come from, and B1 is, well, here. Earth as of right now. Except it was creamed by meteors back in 2009, so it isn't really Earth as of right now, but you get the point." Hussie wasn't sure if the precise way in which the terms were to be typed was coming across, and therefore added the clarifying words.

In addition, he was working to establish that the universe in which he and his readers resided wasn't the same as the universe in which Homestuck took place. That wouldn't make any sense. What kind of webcomic would even be one where they read the comic itself? Hussie shrugged and waited others to respond.

"And C1 and C2?" Rose inquired, having thought her own thoughts which she let others know through brief blurbs.

"No, why would there be such things?"

196 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "Sounds to me like you're talking about the Common European Framework of Reference for Languages levels." After all, Rose did have some experience learning foreign languages.

"There is not a fragment of foreign languages in Homestuck. Though, translations exist. But that is irrelevant for my one great work." Hussie, on the other hand, would have much rather improved his knowledge of English. It was the center of the world anyway, so who cares?

"OK 1 TH1NK W3V3 SP3NT 3NOUGH T1M3 ON TH1S T4NG3NT" On her own side, Terezi kept twisting her mouth in vaguely possible directions, including attempting to get the question mark. She failed miserably, but luckily didn't embarrass herself in front of everyone.

"Alrighty then. Let's move on." Hussie had known that his guests won't be easy to please, but he didn't expect them to be this hard to maintain. They were almost as bad as the early fans of Jailbreak, and that was saying something. Chapter 5.5. Fandom Chat

"TT: Select John."

The comic had now attempted to interact with the character who was playing the Sburb client, and the result was rather negative. As mentioned, John apparently "abjured" the Sburb cursor. Terezi reminisced the old days, when her players would harass other players via this system, while Caliborn was ecstatically laughing, saying something along the lines of: "YES. THAT'S WHAT I NEED. MORE OF ZOOSMELL POOPLORD'S SuFFERING."

"Geez. Past me is surely ignorant and unapologetic." Rose only cared for her own version within the comic at this point, and how she had supposedly misdirected John on what she really thinks and wishes during the situation.

"All for the sake of learning Sburb's mechanics."

"1 C4N T34CH YOU 4BOUT SGRUBS M3CH4N1CS" Terezi offered in her twisted troll way. "S1NC3 SO F4R 4S 1V3 OBS3RV3D TH3YR3 ON3 4ND TH3 S4M3 G4M3 W1TH D1FF3R3NT BR4NDS"

"Homestuck does a much better job of teaching them than you do. Go back to your judging of the reality and my "true identity", whatever that is." Hussie politely refused, expecting that everything will come to the readers as they go along the acts.

"FOR TH3 B3TT3R" At this point, Terezi was completely fed up. "1N 4DD1T1ON 1TLL B3 4 CH4NC3 TO R34D 4LL OF HOM3STUCK TH4T 1 SK1PP3D B3C4US3 YOU ST4RT3D W1THOUT M3 / BY3 TH3N" It didn't take too long until her side of the conversation simply read the following cryptic message:

-- gallicksCalibrator [GC] ceased pestering timelessExpanse [TE] --

STAGE 5 ==> 197 John immediately recognized the origins of the cryptic message and got excited. "you never told me you use pesterchum!" He was already noting the chumhandle "timelessExpanse" in his mind, as if willing to see if Hussie was a similar person within the Internet.

"I don't." Hussie quickly shot the hopes down. "It's just that I need some way to access you and your shenanigans so that I can twist you in the right direction, and Open Source Fandom Chat seems to be the only tool that is capable of that."

Though, it only took a bit of common sense to figure out that if Hussie had some sort of instant messaging client, he would be endlessly pestered by his fans, and wouldn't have time to work on Homestuck, or anything. This was one of the greatest rules any creator could make to stay productive at his work. While you're writing or drawing or whatever, don't leave any method of communication on. This especially applied to social networks, since they were one of the greatest distractions and black holes of time that humanity had ever invented.

However, none of this was as relevant to the readers as the strange name that he had mentioned in a fit of trying to keep the speech flowing. "OPEN SOuRCE WHAT NOW?" Caliborn thus shouted.

"Yeah? The fact that the chat client isn't, in fact, called Pesterchum is news to me." Rose followed.

"yeah, what on earth is up with that? was the classic chat client of all time shut down or something? (i'm pretty sure that i used it to connect to my friends up until now, so that isn't the case, but you understand me.)" John finished, adding some of his private thoughts.

Hussie thus began explaining the accidental slip. "Some other people made a Pesterchum, but they couldn't continue making it if they didn't get any money to support its developers, and they couldn't get money if they continued to use the name that is my intellectual property. Therefore, it's Open Source Fandom Chat now. Of course, part of the agreement was that I should never mention that name either, and it looks like I just failed."

"I agree that the copyright and trademark laws can be a bit of a hassle in case of mutual inspiration." Rose couldn't even begin speaking of the laws in question without a feel of guilt and dread.

"And yet, here we are." Hussie said, and thus the troupe remained silent for a while, pondering how indeed this was the one thing that, on a greater scale, made the human civilization suck.

After what seemed like forever, Rose broke the silence by saying: "Why don't we discard the issue and move on?"

"Alright." Hussie shut off the Pesterchum ("It will always be Pesterchum in my heart, though.") window and clicked on the next blue link, which showed the Sburb cursor as it picked up John's birthday gift from time made unrecognizable by its own passage.

"no! i will not let you harm the bunny from con air." John was worried for himself.

"Remind yourself. All for the sake of learning the mechanics of the..." Hussie was about to finish his sentence when John realized something.

198 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "wait, she's going to put the bunny back in the box?" John said, reading the blue link.

"Couldn't be any other way." Rose ever-so-slightly smiled.

"WOW. NOW YOu'RE MAKING REFERENCES TO YOuR STuPID MOVIES." Caliborn couldn't believe his red glossy cherubic eyes.

"There will be more Con Air references than there are arrows in this bowl. Oh wait, who am I kidding, there is an infinite number of arrows in this bowl." Hussie wanted to make a witty comment, but failed. Therefore, to cover his embarrassment, he clicked on the next page and had the reference be completed.

"yeeeees." John smiled, leaving Caliborn distressed. He began ranting, but he simply wasn't the alien on Earth with the greatest ranting skills. That title, unknown to him, went to the man with whom he was behaving amorously, Karkat Vantas.

"I WISH TO BE LIKE THE SINGLE LINE OF OPEN SOuRCE WHATEVER PESTERLOG TEXT CHICK. JuST BEING ABLE TO QuIT WITHOuT BEING WATCHED BY YOu. ALAS. AT LEAST I'M INSPIRED TO GET THE... THE PROGRAM. NOW WHAT SHOuLD I CALL MYSELF..."

Suddenly, Caliborn heard a buzz in his pocket. "ALRIGHT, NOW EVERYONE HOLD THE FuCK uP. THERE IS THIS THING THAT IS GOING TO BE READ. DON'T BE MISTAKEN, THOuGH. IT IS GOING TO BE READ BY ME AND ME ONLY."

"I wish I could run Homestuck like this." Adult Caliborn seemed to be possibly even cooler to Hussie than his stumped-at-adolescence self.

STAGE 5 ==> 199 Chapter 5.6. The Old Days

While Caliborn was preoccupied with his own messaging device, Hussie also stepped up. "Sorry, seems I have a conversation as well. See you at some time." Then, in a flash, he disappeared, leaving John, Rose and Caliborn alone.

"geez, when does hussie ever rest?" John wondered.

"It's for the best not to examine the schedule of a creative man in detail." Rose reassured.

"DO NOT DISTuRB ME." Caliborn continued with the conversation that was already seen, in a way, while Hussie's was brand new, in a way.

-- grimmeAuxiliary [GA] began pestering timelessExpanse [TE] --

GA: I Have Been Informed That You Are The Man Who Claims To Be Our Supposed Literal God While The Reality Suggests The Contrary TE: To begin with, I am not a god. TE: I am a simple author who has gained powers over it, but still far away from being even a demigod. TE: Secondly, the reality doesn't suggest anything. TE: In fact, I have it on good authority that the reality stone cold doesn't give a fuck. TE: I literally made it shut up because I'm that awesome. TE: Is that understood, Kanaya? TE: Now, if you excuse me, you can always tune into the Homestuck read. GA: I Have No Intention To Make The Same Mistake That Karkat And Terezi Did GA: As I Have Already Seen They Are Mad Angry Over The Adventures Each In Their Own Way GA: Karkat Has Apparently Resumed His Future Past Shenanigan Schedule Like It Was During The Old Days GA: While Terezi Has Been Collecting Evidence And She Thinks That If Karkat Helps Her They Might Come To The Final Conclusion GA: Unfortunately As Of The Present Date And Time He Is Unavailable GA: When I Messaged Him He Kindly Informed Me That Presently He Is In A Memo Talking To Humans From The Past Who Might Or Might Not Be Relevant To The Ones Present With You GA: If I Wasnt Aware Of The Human Date Or The Fact That The Dream Bubbles Look Nothing Like The Earth I Would Assume That The Old Days Are Truly Back What With All The Action And Theories Abound TE: Same for me. TE: Sometimes I think that I'm back to the old days of Jailbreak, what with myself and my old friends hanging out on the Internet, thinking of just squawking like imbeciles and shitting on our desks or whatever... TE: ...but then whammo suddenly Homestuck characters appear out of nowhere, move into the town where I live and begin talking to me and I'm thrown back to the present day. TE: In fact, I think some of them might have even been already here? TE: It seems that, as of right now, I will never be able to live down the

200 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One Homestuck. TE: There will forever be a class of people who will pray to Andrew Hussie, the creator of Homestuck, and that will remain unchanged even if I write something greater. GA: Are You Implying The Authorship Of Hivebent In A Roundabout Human Way GA: I Know That You Are The Author I Am Just Wondering That You Might Not Know That I Know TE: Oh my god... TE: No. TE: Just because a page that is as irrelevant to the greater context as every other page is, which is not at all, is called "Hivebent", it doesn't mean that the whole adventure is called that. TE: Just remind yourself that the adventure is called Homestuck. TE: Imagine a human person in his human home who can't get out, and therefore is stuck. TE: Then you should be good. GA: The Lexical Portion Of My Thinkpan Is Still Hardwired To Immediately Think Of Troll Terms For Things And You Cannot Change The Fact GA: In Addition Hivebent Is A Much More Catchier Title Than Homestuck GA: Even Though A Piece Of Troll Literature Would Not Have A Title That Is Only A Single Word Because We Already Exhausted All The Words That Could Be Used For Titles Thousands Of Troll Solar Sweeps Ago TE: Same thing. You cannot change the fact that I am human and that Homestuck is a prime example of human literature that is riddled with human stereotypes. TE: That also means that there are bound to be human fans of Homestuck who pretend to be trolls, no matter what the Condesce would do to them if she was still alive. GA: Did You Imply That You Heard The Private Conversation Between Me And Karkat GA: On Which I Elaborated Upon The Concept Of Trollsonas TE: Well, don't you think with your "think pan" that Karkat was practically shouting the conversation out while in Easthampton? TE: I could still hear it over the discussion of my webcomic, and that is saying something. TE: And besides, human cosplayers are my own department, not yours. TE: You can remain being an actual troll from Alternia who is impossible to change so that she is no longer a troll. GA: That Settles Then GA: At Any Rate GA: What Was The Point That You Were Making All This Time Even Though The Conversation That Led Up To The Point Was Derailed By Barely Relevant Tangents TE: I was going to ask you to read Homestuck. GA: And I Politely Refused TE: Wait, no, that's not how conversations work. TE: Remember that you pestered me. TE: That means that you must think that I have some sort of purpose. GA: In That Case I Have Determined That You Do Not GA: Most Likely You Were Heavily Inspired By Our Story And Now Are Simply Playing Up The Role Of A GA: If I Quote Terezi On The Matter GA: "Fake Prophet" TE: Matters settled then.

STAGE 5 ==> 201 TE: Oh, for the love of... TE: You troll girls really seem to not catch a break. GA: Who Is It TE: Vriska. GA: Alright Then I Will Permit You To Talk To The Spider Bitch GA: Since This Conversation Had Become Increasingly More Shaped Like Itself GA: Ollies Outie TE: Alright.

-- grimmeAuxiliary [GA] ceased pestering timelessExpanse [TE] --

Hussie took a deep breath and answered the next message. Chapter 5.7. Dualscar

-- arachnidGrips [AG] began pestering timelessExpanse [TE] --

AG: Heeeeeeeey, Hussie you unscrupulous whore!!!!!!!! TE: Vriska!!!!!!!! TE: With all the octuple exclamation marks. TE: You finally messaged me! AG: Only would make sense if I knew who you were until today. :::;P TE: Don't you remember? TE: I proposed to you in Tavros's planet and you punched me to a pulp! AG: What on Earth...... AG: I told you, I still only have a vague idea who you are. AG: And that you're weirding me out, of course. AG: Go a 8it easy on the troll girl, okay? AG: Just treat her the way you would treat human girls. TE: Alright, I will stop in that case. TE: It seems that I mixed up my Vriskas in a hurry, and thought you were actually Vriska from the comic, while actually you are Vriska from the real life. TE: Is that right? AG: More Vriska is always 8etter. AG: While more Tavros would 8e just plain nonsense! TE: Understood then. TE: Why are you messaging me? AG: 'Cause you're the creator of Hive8ent, of course! TE: Goddammit... TE: Homestuck. TE: Stop making the same mistake over and over. AG: Sheesh, I only called it ONCE. TE: Well, okay, a couple other trolls called it Hivebent in my face. TE: That doesn't change the fact that the MS Paint Adventure is not Hivebent. TE: It is, will always be and has always been Homestuck. AG: Okay, you made yourself understood. AG: Now stop throwing a fit!

202 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One TE: In fact, there are several readers that might tell the story better than I can. TE: Would you like to join them? TE: I promise that the experience will be worthwhile. AG: Just shut up. TE: Oh, come on. TE: We're already a good ways in and enjoying the experience! AG: I said shut up! TE: Oh. TE: Sorry. AG: I haven't used my powers in a while, 8ut I 8et I'll make an exception if you prove to 8e particularly awful. TE: Bet you that the powers won't work. AG: ...... AG: Alright then. AG: I am still not joining any read though. TE: It's okay. TE: Kanaya didn't want to either. TE: I guess that as of now, the Homestuck characters are divided between those who like the comic and those who hate it. AG: You've 8een talking to Fussyfangs???????? TE: Um, yeah? TE: In fact, it happened just about right now. TE: I stepped away from her conversation to talk to you. TE: I hope you appreciate that. AG: Yeeeeeeees. AG: I will always 8e 8etter than that 8a88ling 8itch, and I'm glad to hear that you know. AG: In fact, the point stands that I'm on the level of Karkat at 8eing 8etter than anyone! AG: He might even relinquish his status as an amazing leader! AG: In my dreams, I am the leader. AG: It's me. AG: :::;) TE: Well, I'm still the author of Homestuck, and that is done in a way in which the fact cannot be changed. TE: Can you just imagine that someone else put the words of Homestuck down instead of me? TE: That thought is as ridiculous as it's completely impossible. AG: Wow, you really are a 8ore! AG: Though, if you are responsi8le for me as I am, everything is cool. TE: Yup, though I'm not sure what that entails. TE: I make the best spiderbitch that there is, and then she just punches me out. TE: I can't exactly retcon her out of the webcomic or whatever, but I'm still hurt. AG: You're still on a8out whatever you're saying...... TE: Alright, then, tell your stories. AG: What is there to my stories? AG: My ancestor was an awesome pir8. AG: I am an awesome Flarper and Sgru8 player. AG: Without going into much detail. TE: And if we do go into much detail? AG: Hmm.

STAGE 5 ==> 203 AG: Alright then, you asked for it. AG: 8ut 8e prepared and don't stop me in the middle! TE: I will not. AG: Here goes. AG: Marquise Spinneret Mindfang's wriggling is surrounded 8y various legends. AG: Some say that she was literally fished out of a sunken city, one from 8efore the floodings commenced 8y Her Imperious Condescension in her early days, which was stowed with riches. AG: Some presume that Mindfang's gru8 was literally attracted to riches! AG: Though, those are only legends, and they don't seem to match up with what she wrote. AG: Argua8ly, she didn't write that early in her life, 8ut from the first journal entry, it is clear that she was a much different person from the pir8 that everyone purports she was! AG: In fact, she was highly literate. AG: Another, also highly du8ious rumor states that she had read every 8ook on Alternia! AG: She was very educ8d, as you would know if you spied on my recent conversation with Karkat. AG: Did you? TE: I don't think my powers work that way. TE: I just know stuff without spying. AG: Strange man you are, Andrew Hussie. AG: 8ut that doesn't change the fact that Marquise Mindfang was so awesome, no one can even agree where she had 8egun 8eing awesome! AG: I digress. AG: In that case, I will skip ahead in her life and 8egin with the story of how she was first recognized 8y a quasi-royal seadweller known as Orphaner Dualscar. TE: Alright, this was the sickest coincidence. AG: What???????? TE: Just as you said Dualscar, Eridan messaged me. TE: I wonder what he wants. TE: He isn't even that relevant as a troll. AG: Come 8ack here to listen to my story!!!!!!!! TE: Sorry, I have to attend to all the trolls. TE: All of them. TE: Type up the story and message it to me at a later date, okay? TE: I'm pretty sure that it's interesting and that it'll be a worthwhile write. TE: Shoot, I meant a worthwhile read. AG: Alright then...... TE: See ya.

-- arachnidGrips [AG] ceased pestering timelessExpanse [TE] --

Without hesitation, Hussie moved on. He was sure, though, that not all the trolls would message him. That was a near impossibility, as not all the trolls even cared about Karkat's message.

204 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One Chapter 5.8. The Multiverse

-- caligulacAquarius [CA] began pestering timelessExpanse [TE] --

CA: hey there fine felloww CA: heard you got the god tiers or somethin like that TE: Pffhahaha. TE: How difficult could it be to just buy a hoodie from What Pumpkin and don it? TE: And yet you were still fooled. TE: I rest my case. CA: alright you might be a fake prophet and a fake god CA: but that still doesnt change the fact that you amuse me CA: in a vvery passionate wway CA: you dont realize but i am feelin flushed just at the sight of green text TE: I... what. TE: Are you hitting on me? CA: no need to accuse me CA: all im askin is for a slivver of red feelins for the troll wwho wwas CA: wwho wwas respected by his felloww trolls evven more than their amazing leader TE: Yeah, you're hitting on me. TE: Just when I thought I could write characters that are less worthless than this. TE: Also, LMAO at these lies. CA: howw do you knoww theyre lies TE: Gotcha. TE: You confirmed that they are lies yourself, just about right now. CA: i did not TE: Sure did. CA: did not TE: Let's not go the Equius way of settling arguments. CA: i am not doin anythin that eq wwould do wwith his highblood wways CA: and besides i am still higher on the hemospectrum than him so really wwho cares CA: im the only one wwho evveryone should respect and honor because CA: because of the past CA: im not elaboratin TE: Yeah, this is going nowhere. TE: Kay thanks bye. CA: is that a yes then

-- timelessExpanse [TE] blocked caligulacAquarius [CA] --

Hussie took a deep breath and was about to use his powers to appear back where he originally was, but then saw that one more person messaged him. And, to be honest, he didn't even expect her to be around.

STAGE 5 ==> 205 Nevertheless, though, she was there and needed talking, so Hussie just shrugged it off and continued on.

-- )(er Imperious Condescension began trolling timelessExpanse [TE] --

)(IC: i sea u talkin 2 ma royal subjects n doubtin ma aliveness )(IC: an i cant help bu ever so slightly think to ma self )(IC: what da clam TE: And whoop dee fucking doo. TE: Can't even tell a guy off once and return to my own awesome Homestuck read before the Troll -Empress )(erself™ messages me. )(IC: n what kinda witchcraft was that )(IC: how did u steal ma royal blood to rite ma name )(IC: do u krill me in my relative fuschia an make urself proud )(IC: or maybs )(IC: u kill ma heiress )(IC: i swear if feferis blood is at ur hands im cullin u this instant TE: I may be. TE: Why don't you read Homestuck and figure out yourself? )(IC: im not readin ur inferior human comic )(IC: like do u even realize )(IC: do u even have the SLIG)(T-EST ID-EA who ur talkin 2 TE: Yes. TE: You basically ruined Alternia, then once it had become a complete shithole, you came over to the Earth and now are looking for ways to ruin that. )(IC: ruined it )(IC: or made it better )(IC: swag TE: Definitely ruined it. TE: This isn't even a point worth discussing. TE: This is, like, objective facts. TE: There was more than one rebellion against your rule, and I know they all failed, but the objective fact remains that they were there. )(IC: dammit )(IC: thassit imma cullin u when i get ma hands on u TE: Do you even know who you're talking to? )(IC: lame green fuck thass what im talkin 2 )(IC: easy )(IC: n also prolly a human since theres only 13 trolls gracin this planet that u dare call earth TE: Wrong, miss. TE: Wrong. TE: I am Andrew Hussie, the fairy god human creator of the intrepid fantasyscape that you and your "royal subjects" reside in, and I can manipulate your lives at my own will. )(IC: says one from a universe created by ma kind )(IC: do u even kno )(IC: do u even have ANY ID-EA )(IC: how difficult it is 2 create a WHOL-E UNIV-ERS-E )(IC: well ill tell u

206 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One )(IC: is so difficult dat as it stands rite now da trolls are TH-E )(IC: MOST )(IC: AW-ESOM-E )(IC: SP-ECI-ES )(IC: -EV-ER )(IC: like literally )(IC: were da most awesome species eva 2 grace the uh )(IC: the multiverse )(IC: everwhere i go i sea visages o trolls )(IC: even u humans kno that were the superior ones 2 everone TE: Only because it would be so awesome to be someone's kismesis, and they're saying that without knowing what it really means. )(IC: seriously no one messes w/ trolls )(IC: an im pretty much all set to take over tha earth TE: Then you would have done it long ago. )(IC: shut the stfu up )(IC: i just needed da perfect moment 2 strike )(IC: by tackin over ur betty crocker n stuffs )(IC: n little debbie ofc TE: Called it. )(IC: but then it was too late )(IC: i had my plans that were 2b set in motion an somehow it wos already too late )(IC: cos some motha fuck 413m yrs ago was "ALR-EADY )(-ER-E" )(IC: n messed up tha codes TE: The codes? )(IC: yknow the codes over in the island in fuck nos where )(IC: tha ones that make up sgrub n all da stuffs )(IC: tha time travel chat client )(IC: etc TE: While I am a programmer, I'm pretty sure it's beyond the capabilities of human technology... )(IC: ... TE: Ellipsis what? )(IC: twas you wasnt it )(IC: can fuckin sense it w/ troll powers dat this must be fuckin rite )(IC: u came back in time to 413m yrs ago an ruined all the sgrub codes at da frog temple )(IC: so i wold never get ma hands on superior technology TE: I... TE: Time travel doesn't even exist on the Earth, and... )(IC: da whole fake prophet cover is just 2 hide da fact dat ur da R-E-EL prophet )(IC: an ur darin to mess w/ tha latest )(IC: tha gratest )(IC: tha first conqueror of AN -ENTIR-E GALAXY TE: I am a human being! TE: Simple as that. )(IC: ill tell u what u r )(IC: u r so )(IC: dead )(IC: mark ma words

-- )(er Imperious Condescension logged the fuck out. --

STAGE 5 ==> 207

Once again, as suddenly as Hussie had disappeared, he appeared again. However, this time he wasn't holding anything, or saying anything. Instead, he simply took a mouthful of the arrow candies to shrug off whatever had happened on his own end. John, Rose and Caliborn just looked at each other.

Once he swallowed all the candies without even chewing them, Hussie said: "Alright, this shit's on speedrun now. Let's get to the end of Act 1, as quickly as possible."

"Did something happen on the other end?" Rose was only curious.

"No questions. Time is dead kids."

"Did someone send you a death threat?" The answer was so obvious, Rose shrugged in the face of the obviousness and a likely imminent death.

Hussie was silent for a while. "...Maybe."

"I WANT YOu DEAD. THERE, I JuST SENT YOu A DEATH THREAT." Caliborn did a play on the concept.

"Her death threat has a lot more merit, though. Anyway. Let's go." In a rush to click on the next page, Hussie knocked over and accidentally unplugged the mouse attached to his laptop. Therefore, without having time to pick it up, he motioned to the touchpad and moved the cursor to its place by that particular device.

"YOU ARE PROBABLY WONDERING IF THE FRUITS OF MY LABORIOUS TOIL. WERE EXTREMELY SUCCESSFUL.

I BELIEVE YOU WILL FIND THE ANSWER TO BE THE FOLLOWING WORD.

> YES!!!!!!!!!!!

I HAVE DONE IT. WHERE THE FINE ARTS ARE CONCERNED, I HAVE REACHED THE PINNACLE OF ACHIEVEMENT MOUNTAIN. I STAB MY CANE INTO THE PEAK (LIKE A FLAG), THUS MAKING A SNOWY AVALANCHE. ON TO THE HATERS BELOW!

JEALOUS MUCH, FAT ASS???" - Karkat Vantas

You begin doubting that Karkat Vantas said this. However, it's irrelevant to the fact that I won NaNoWriMo 2014, so you discard the thought.

208 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One Chapter 5.9. Speedrun

Author's idiotisms: Go look at my story The Homestuck Character Support Group. You could possibly literally be changing the future events that happen here.

Fake update count: 38- *shot by the Condesce or something*

"TT: Revise room."

Rose felt uneasy about the read of Homestuck being "on speedrun", to put in Hussie's own words. After all, it meant that the jig was up in real life, in some way. Whoever was after Hussie and could possibly kill him, she must have been a real threat to the Earth in general, because with his authorial powers, Hussie was practically invincible to an ordinary man. The whole thought of there being a god above your god was unsettling to everyone.

However, with not much information on the threat, the attention of Rose was turned to Homestuck. This time, what took her notice was the fact that Hussie didn't focus on this page for very long, or allow others to focus on it, before clicking on the following arrow. The following page depicted the outside, where the expansion of John's room was accounted for.

"WHAT." Caliborn immediately exclaimed.

"What what." Hussie wondered.

"DOES ZOOSMELL'S HOuSE LOOK LIKE THAT NOW."

"YES." John's father said. Everyone looked at him, since they were pretty sure that he wasn't there just a while ago.

"hey, dad! i thought you were gone?" John greeted his father.

"I HAD A BRIEF OUTAGE TO EXPLORE THE HUSSIE'S HOME."

"And how is it?" Hussie was meaning to work his way into being an excellent host.

"YOU REALLY LIKE YOUR CHARACTERS, DON'T YOU."

"Yeah. Anyway. Didn't I say this thing was on speedrun?" Not looking for attention from others, Hussie clicked the blue link again. It now depicted the Sburb interface, and it appeared that three different objects could be dropped onto the playing field, which also happened to be the reality for some reason.

"HANG ON. LET ME READ ALL THESE NAMES." Caliborn did a "stop" gesture.

STAGE 5 ==> 209 "No reading names. What did I say again?" It was already a negative point of the experience; consistently having to remind everyone that yes, there will be no more pausing in the reading of the first act of the webcomic that was the literal encapsulation of its current readers' lives.

"SHuT UP." Caliborn motioned towards the computer, but Hussie simply blocked the movements with his hand and clicked on the next page. Caliborn continued to flail like an idiot for some seconds, not producing anything comprehensible with his mouth, while John, Rose and Dad looked over the following page, in which one of the gizmos, the Totem Lathe, was placed.

"I THINK A FIXTURE LIKE THIS WOULD ACTUALLY BE HELPFUL IN OUR HOUSE." John's father thought to himself aloud.

"dad, no." To John, an element to his room that looked like this seemed to be completely useless. Rose seconded the notion: "Being that it was created within Sburb, it likely only serves a purpose within the game."

"Awesome. Next!" Hussie clicked, and once he did, the page, which served to have no action in it whatsoever, kept puzzling the readers. Caliborn, deciding that resistance is futile, freed himself from his creator's grasp, looked at the page, and sighed internally, knowing that in the past, Hussie had actively worked to hinder anything resembling progress in the comic's plot and practically grind it to a halt.

"yeah, the thing looks strange." John commented, realizing that nothing had happened here.

"Yeah. Onwards!" Hussie also had the realization, and clicked forward. The next page had a pesterlog in it, which Hussie quickly opened, not even realizing that he might have sent Caliborn into a physiological reaction. Luckily, he didn't, as he said this coherent (vaguely) thing: "BLuH BLuH KIDS TALKING."

"MY SON AND HIS FRIENDS ARE NOT KIDS. WELL, NOT ANYMORE." Dad reminisced all the times when John came into the common space (that's how they called every room in their former house that wasn't John's or his father's own) to talk about his friends, and the memories made him cry a little.

"Agreed. I mean, I'm a college student and all." Indeed, Rose had grown over the time.

"They're still kids within Homestuck." However, Homestuck was something timeless, and if the first page said that John was thirteen, then, well, John was thirteen for the centuries to come. "Anyway, summary, since we're so obviously not reading this: John can't find the server copy, then realizes it's in Dad's car. Next!"

"WHY WOULD IT BE IN MY CAR." John's father acted as if he was issuing a complaint.

"Because you were protecting it, so John doesn't get it until he's ready."

"MAKES SENSE. NO, WAIT, ACTuALLY IT DOESN'T. AND YOuR COMIC IS STILL A STEAMING PILE OF HORSESHIT." Caliborn also had his own complaint; however, as the group

210 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One had already gotten around to adopting a stance of "fuck Caliborn", Hussie had already loaded the next page, which continued the in-universe discussion by John and Rose.

"CAN WE NOT." Caliborn was annoyed that there were two pages with a pesterlog in a row.

"Yes, we can not. Just let me summarize, again. John and Rose are learning how to get around the Sburb mechanics. That's it. Forward!" Hussie said, trying to convey his words as rapidly as he can, inevitably failing and thus getting the attention of Rose.

"Actually, I think we should. (Watch me omit verbs like a 21st century person.)" She commented.

"And what makes you so sure that we should?" Hussie continued the metaphor, but did not anticipate the fact that a literal alien was right here and was processing their words entirely differently. The alien in question thus shouted, interrupting the inconvenient discussion:

"SHOuLD WHAT." Unfortunately, Caliborn's thick forest green skull was simply too hard to penetrate with such a disregard towards the English grammar structures. Perhaps this was a good reason to call himself "English" in an alternate universe.

"Continue with the speedrun idea, of course." Rose assisted.

"Oh, no. She will get us."

"Could you at least tell us who "she" is? It's kind of been a mystery all this time." Rose felt that without this particular justification, the whole idea would go to waste, and normal reading of Homestuck would resume soon enough.

"Her Imperious Condescension."

STAGE 5 ==> 211 Chapter 5.10. Foodstuck / Fuchsia Ruler

Author's idiotisms: For those reading Calliope's Update Girl/The Homestuck Character Support Group, I'm sorry that's taking so long. Word-wise, that is. I shouldn't be sorry about my update schedule, because come on, you're already getting 1,000+ words every day. It's just greedy of you to want more. Unless you're working for NaNoWriMo, of course.

"WOW. AS IF THAT NAME TOLD uS ANYTHING. REALLY GREAT MOVE THERE, HuSSIE." Caliborn, from the get go, didn't see reason in Hussie's movements, especially considering his own characters. Why would he tell them, John, Rose, Dad and Caliborn, a meaningless name, while avoiding this Condesce chick?

On the other hand, though, Hussie himself had missed the fact that the people sitting before him weren't aware of the Condesce yet, since she only officially appears in Act 5 Act 2.

However, the mention didn't completely pass through the heads of everyone. Rose, for example, noted: "Haven't I heard this name before?"

"How could you have? She had never become relevant to the story, except when she was under her alias, Betty Crocker..."

"Actually, I'm pretty sure I did. It was yesterday, during the commotion that Calliope and Caliborn were a part of." Rose snapped back at Hussie, who had been keeping on thinking in the terms of the comic that was largely irrelevant as of right now.

"yeah, and your imperious condescension..."

"Her Imperious Condescension." Hussie corrected John.

"SHE'S FuCKING YOuRS. SHE'S A HOMOSuCK CHARACTER, RIGHT?" Caliborn poked fun at how the English language was never consistent, especially considering Homestuck.

"This doesn't change her title."

"uh..." John was meaning to come back to his point, but took a while to gather thoughts after Caliborn's interruption. "and your HER imperious condescension is much like our queen of england, right?"

"She's the queen of two universes, that's what she is. Or at least she thinks so. I made her think so, since, of course, just as you, I created her."

"AND THEN SHE GOT AROUND TO BE BETTY CROCKER." So far, Dad was only interested in this particular detail of the Condesce, since he loved baking with Betty Crocker. It was practically his favorite thing.

"And Little Debbie." Hussie smiled at his own ingenuity and precognition.

212 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "WHAT'S LITTLE DEBBIE YOu FuCK." Caliborn apparently wasn't that aware of human trademarks.

"A completely unrelated food product chain. There's a lot of food by different brands in Homestuck, it might as well be called Foodstuck." While he was at it, Hussie took another arrow candy and bit on it, because whatever the hell. He was the host, and he could please himself with whatever his guests wanted. He had earned it after the difficult preparation.

"Can we go on? Even if the Condesce isn't after us, we have already been wasting too much time for activities that are not reading Homestuck." Rose was a bit annoyed.

"Alright." Hussie snapped his fingers, and everyone was looking at the screen where Homestuck was shown again.

Her Imperious Condescension finally began coming back to her real life, realizing she doesn't want to spend a minute reading the inferior human webcomic. It was a bit like waking up, except instead of tuning into a distorted version of one's own memories, the former troll empress had been listening in on actual events somewhere else on the Earth. Seriously, those powers that she got from the Handmaid were really cool ones.

The Condesce looked around her surroundings. She had taken refuge on a volcanic island in the Pacific Ocean, where a single house and ancient ruins stood. The ruins had been abandoned millions of years ago, while the house was only left behind recently. Something to do with human friendship? The very thought of human friendship boiled the fuchsia blood that was flowing beneath the gray skin of the troll female.

The ruins, to her, were a closed case. The timelessExpanse freak was some sort of human demigod, and ultimately there would have to be a showdown between the human demigod and the troll demigod. The Condesce, though, was sure that she would win in such a battle. The trolls are simply too awesome for their own good. That was acknowledged by every single planet that had to give in way to the trolls, back when Alternia was a thing.

Therefore, the Condesce began exploring the abandoned house. Most of the cool technology that had been invented over there was moved over, but certain things were left behind. This included stuff that was originally from the ruins, which seemed to host portals that went from the Earth to the version of Prospit and Derse in which the human players of Sgrub would have dreamt. Unsurprisingly, though, the portals didn't work, because no human ever played Sgrub. In despair, the Condesce ripped off the bases of the portals and threw them out into the widest ocean to separate the continents of the Earth.

Going upwards, the Condesce occasionally batted her eyes at the strange collections that were also left behind. It simply made no sense to her. Why would a human adventurer collect all this and then simply move away from his past? One was supposed to be proud of their own past, even if, in some cases, the past would have needed correction. The Condesce, at this point, remembered what she had heard of the human Adolf Hitler, and how he had faked being a great hero of World War I so he

STAGE 5 ==> 213 could be respected when he led World War II. The story put a small smile on her face, but mere words were of no use, and the queen of trolls immediately returned to her stoic expression.

The Condesce needed to write her own story on the Earth, and as luck would have had it, she was pretty much out of both the metaphorical paper and ink to write it. She could only feel jealousy towards the person who was writing the story for her instead, especially since the story was, apparently, so well-done that its characters had become literal living beings. She briefly considered the thought that perhaps she herself was one of the living "characters", but the mere idea seemed beyond ridiculous.

Sighing and knowing that this would be her only intervention towards the story, the Condesce sighed, sat down, pulled out her clam phone and began looking for contacts to unexpectedly troll. Chapter 5.11. Boring Uninteresting People

Author's idiotisms: "I shouldn't be sorry about my update schedule," I said and then went AWOL for nearly two weeks without posting a Calliope's Update Girl... update.

"Arrow. These arrows are beginning to look the same, but I think that this is the last page that we dropped to discuss the Condescension."

"Dude, Rose, it's obvious. The page has stayed exactly the same, untouched by anyone." Hussie helped Rose get back on ground and into the webcomic of video games and romance.

"AND MORE MODI TALK. THIS IS BuLLSHIT." Caliborn was, predictably enough, repelled by the webcomic in question, and the mere fact that he was also supposedly a character of the comic made him even more sick to his stomach than he originally was.

"i never thought i'd say that, but i agree with calidouche." John looked down, thinking about his life choices.

"SAME TO YOu, ZOOSMELL."

"Don't make me..." Hussie chuckled at the thought of one of his earliest comics, long before Homestuck, Problem Sleuth or even MS Paint Adventures as a whole could become a thing. Though, he immediately controlled himself and clicked the blue link, seeing as material to discuss on this page had already become exhausted.

Something on the next page made John twitch a little in horror. "oh god... that smile. seriously? it's, like, from hell."

"PLOT TWIST. YOu ARE DEAD. AND THIS COMIC TAKES PLACE IN HELL." Caliborn retorted.

214 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "Not too bad of a guess, actually." Hussie smiled, remembering all the stable time loops in Homestuck and how they related to hell's... whatever. You know, what Dante wrote. Not that Dante, though. The one from hundreds of years ago.

Before he could react, though, Caliborn grabbed onto the computer mouse and clicked on the next page. He saw as the Cruxtruder was dropped, and, noting that nothing of importance whatsoever had happened, clicked the blue link again, watching as the Alchemiter was placed.

Gathering everything that he saw, Caliborn commented: "COuLDN'T WE, LIKE. HAVE BOTH OF THESE DROPPED. ON A SINGLE PAGE."

"No, because this is the first time when they were ever dropped. Within the canon continuity line, that is." If you were a panel of Homestuck, you had to work according to Hussie's creative vision. There were absolutely no exceptions, even for fanart drawn by others that was worked into Homestuck, under the guise of this "art team" thing.

"whoa, cannon what?" John had trouble understanding the complicated terms of literature. Perhaps Rose could assist him, but she had chosen to remain silent throughout this scene, knowing that she couldn't argue too much without aggravating Caliborn to no end.

"Sigh... As you read Homestuck, you never saw them be dropped before. Right?"

"right..."

"Correct." Though, at least for Rose, short and snappy remarks were fine. Mostly.

Without consideration, though, she decided that it was time to proceed and see what is up with John's father's PDA. For Hussie, it was an obvious hint that "Dad" isn't all about harlequins, but quite reasonably, Dad himself knew and the others didn't even think that there could be two layers to him.

"BLAH BLAH BLAH BORING uNINTERESTING PEOPLE THAT HAVE NO BEARING ON THE PLOT CAN WE MOVE ON." At this point, it was pretty much established that Caliborn was always the first to drop a negative remark. Knowing that this is an universal constant, Hussie clicked on, showing a simple page which showed John's PDA with Pesterchum installed.

Of course, as we know, for Caliborn, nothing at all seemed to have happened in the page, important or otherwise. "I. WHAT. I SAID THAT WE SHOuLD MOVE ON. WE DIDN'T."

"Very well we did. This messaging device later turns out to be extremely important." Likewise, it was an universal constant that Hussie would point out what happens later in Homestuck, if it turned out to be simple enough.

"kind of like the iphone that i have?" John was going out on a limb here; to be honest, he didn't even have any idea what a PDA was.

"No, obviously Dave has an iPhone. Let's not mess up different communications devices that..."

STAGE 5 ==> 215 Just then, before Hussie could comment with anything from a webcomic that didn't concern the beta kids' lives anyway, John flashed him with his actual Apple product. Now highly disoriented, Hussie was helpless and thus John clicked on the "next" link himself. It now showed the outside of John's former house, with the strange gizmo that was dropped earlier, while the pesterlog was discussing what John and Rose thought were times long past.

Appropriately, Rose duly noted: "At least I hope that you can control your problems better, John. My therapeutical custody is quite admirable, even in dire situations like this."

"OH GOD SHuT UP." Caliborn simply couldn't fathom anything that came out of that perfumey trap, and the tember of the voice was really what got him, rather than the amount (or lack) of words spoken.

"No, it's okay, Rose." Hussie tried to act as a comforting body, knowing that Rose needed one, even though she was one. "You're still good, and Caliborn is just being an asshole."

"well, at least we all can agree with THAT." With that remark, the group went on to yet another page, where the comic's John stood right on top of the Alchemiter, trying and failing to be cautious.

"YEAH. JuST GO STAND IN THE CENTER OF THAT THING. AND BE KILLED BY THE MAJYYKS."

"Now I wonder, though..." As the comic hadn't even alchemized a single object yet, Hussie could keep the part where he wondered what would happen if an object was alchemized over another to himself. Thus, the others moved on, looking at the view of the world as seen from a telescope.

"DON'T LOOK AT THE SUN. IT'S BAD FOR YOUR EYES." Hussie swore that there must have been a fatherly advice page on Wikipedia. That was the only place where Dad could be pulling these factoids from.

John, though, just fixed his glasses. "way to be late."

"Pfft." Hussie knew that at least in Homestuck, John was born with glasses, but it was not worth dignifying with a whole dialogue ordeal. Therefore, the comic had now progressed to what was known as a classic moment, where John's toilet was ripped straight from the room, followed by a couple of "whoops"-es inside the comic.

"WHOOPS YOu'RE STRANDED IN AN AWFuL COMIC." Caliborn thus continued the trend.

"whoops that's not definitely it."

"Whoops, I clicked the link. Get over it." Hussie couldn't believe himself how done he was with his own characters.

216 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One Chapter 5.12. Creative Vision

"Arrow. I swear, next time there's an arrow, I'm not even going to dignify it with a response." Rose swore that each time she "read" one of these godforsaken arrows, it was just one more nudge to her just becoming non-verbal. She was pretty sure, though, that she didn't have a mental illness and therefore had no reason for this dramatic transition.

"it'll be okay, rose." John helped his friend in need. After all, this is what friends are for, right?

Thus, they decided that it was for the best to further indulge in Andrew Hussie's webcomic, which seemed to get more ridiculous with each page, with each command, with each arrow. The toilet with the cake parts and a fake arm in it that was dropped in the back yard was a signifier of this mood, for one.

"And then, John's neighbors wondered what on Earth was going on." Rose coldly remarked.

"NONSENSE IS WHAT'S GOING ON." Caliborn continued to debunk Homestuck in every way, at this point pretty much knowing that Hussie was going to defend it, which he did with the following:

"Amazing prank stuff is what's going on. Let's agree that my humor is awesome."

"NO." Caliborn was nothing if not stubborn.

"actually... yeah! hehehe!" John had finally learned to laugh at Homestuck, and was not letting go of the feeling.

"And to think I am responsible for it in some convoluted way." Rose thus proceeded with the next page, which showed John's bathroom, as water was leaking from the place where the toilet used to be. Caliborn thought he knew how this ended, and began saying: "AND THuS. ZOOSMELL'S HOuSE WAS FLOODED. AND COLLAPSED."

"HENCE THE MOVE AWAY TO MASSACHUSETTS." John's father, however, managed to save the day at the perfect moment. "YOUR PLAN TO CONCLUDE THE COMIC MUCH TOO EARLY HAS FAILED. ACCEPT IT, PETTY GREEN SKULL KID."

"Sick end there, Dad. I am amazed." Hussie was about to comment, but did not anticipate the following:

"HI, AMAZED. I AM DAD."

John, Rose, and Hussie collectively facepalmed at the old meme that was probably only alive in the heart of this piped man.

After a while, Hussie took action. Knowing that, in some way, John's father needed to get back to the point, rather than dropping awful memes, he clicked on yet another blue link, and the following page thus was unveiled. It now showed John jumping down to the utility room in one of the most classy ways.

STAGE 5 ==> 217 "THOSE MOVES." So far, it seemed that it worked; Dad was now thinking of other things.

"ARE WORTHLESS." Caliborn enacted rightful retribution for what was done to him on the last page.

"DO NOT FINISH MY SENTENCES."

"I AM ONLY MAKING DIALOGuE." The male cherub dropped the first hard bomb of truth. He always had a penchant for truth, since the alternative was having to listen to the stories that his sister made up, and that was nowhere near as intriguing. "SINCE YOu ALSO SPEAK IN ALL CAPS. AND THuS ARE THE ONLY VIABLE FRIEND AROuND HERE."

"Yeah, just do us all a favor and go back to Karkat." This ship didn't seem nearly as interesting for Hussie.

"AFTER YOu. AND YOuR ACT 1." Caliborn dropped another hard bomb. After all, it was a fucking fact that Hussie had locked everyone in.

"...Fuck." Letting out the brief profanity, Hussie clicked on. This time, the page showed John finding another hammer and thus picking it up. It was almost as if Homestuck was a game designed to follow whatever the reader-player was suggesting and therefore bring stuff up to complement it. Of course, later this game aspect would be dropped entirely with only the format remaining, but then Hussie realized that, again, he was getting ahead of himself and instead listened to what John had said.

"woohoo! more powerful weapons."

"That you probably won't be able to wield at your age?" If only Rose's own voice hadn't annoyed Caliborn, perhaps they could be some sort of friends. It was still better than tacking along a middle- aged businessman.

"what?" John had forgotten that the version of him in the comic was only thirteen, even though he would have known that he wasn't nearly as strong back then.

Before John could finish thinking, Hussie clicked on yet again. Now, the PDA was shown again... and nothing else of interest happened. Therefore, Caliborn, yet again, snidely commented: "I.E. PAGE THAT SHOuLDN'T HAVE BEEN THERE."

"Don't argue with my creative vision, okay?" Hussie voiced what he was thinking for a long time.

"BuT WHAT IF YOuR CREATIVE VISION IS BuLLSHIT."

"Then Homestuck wouldn't have a fandom that consistently annoyed you throughout your life." Caliborn had responded with the hard truth for long enough; now it was Hussie's turn to annoy him.

"SO THE ALTERNATIVES ARE. EITHER YOu ARE A PIECE OF SHIT. OR YOuR FANS ARE. WOW. WHAT A GREAT CHOICE." Caliborn switched to a different strategy; employing

218 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One the human sarcasm. (He allowed himself to think "human sarcasm", because even if cherub sarcasm existed, it would have been wildly different.)

Before he could notice, though, yet another page of Homestuck was opened, showing, for the first time, Jade interacting with someone.

"oh, there's jade, alive and ready to talk." John commented, reading the pesterlog.

"And asleep." Hussie added.

"i don't get it. how can a person type while asleep? is there some sort of magic involved or..."

"Complicated matters. You'll learn later." As John read, though, he noticed that apparently, the comic's version of Jade had experienced an explosion.

"geez. i hope jade's okay. back in the comic."

"Told you she's asleep. That was part of her dream." Hussie continued proposing his creative vision with the next page, which was yet another classic moment of Homestuck, plus an actual justification of the name.

"THERE IS REALLY A DOOR THERE." Caliborn repeated what Comic Rose said.

"Yeah? John walked through it some hundred pages ago."

"WE'RE ALREADY IN THE HuNDREDS." Perhaps this ride wasn't going too bad after all. It only took two days to get there.

"One hundred and seventy, as a matter of fact."

"Have you seriously been counting all this time?" Hussie laughed a bit at how Rose thought this was relevant discussion material.

"No. I just calculated it based on the URL."

"Oh." Thus, knowing that the discussion was killed again, Hussie then proceeded to still another classic moment of Homestuck. He really had no idea why fans would think of skipping this part and "going straight to Act 5 because it has the trolls!!".

"Truly, invoking a human procreational activity is the only logical response here." Rose just smiled at her alternate's shenanigans.

"As well as in a lot of other places, both inside and outside of Homestuck."

"YEAH. ALL THE FuCKS THAT I GIVE. WHICH IS NONE." Caliborn added to the collective profanity, to the disappointment of Dad, who commented:

"I ELECT TO BAN SWEARING FROM THE READING."

STAGE 5 ==> 219 "i have a better proposal." John, actually having more experience than his dad, insisted. "let's ban everyone who swears excessively, since they make my head hurt and put me out of focus."

"YOu DON'T DARE." Caliborn was sure he was getting rid of Zoosmell Pooplord someday. Chapter 5.13. Cheating

"John: Examine wheel on the Cruxtruder."

"YEAH. ROTATE THE WHEEL AND HAVE NOTHING HAPPEN." Caliborn continued his "subversive parody", not realizing that it wasn't funny to anyone in the vicinity, nor in an alternate universe.

"Don't blame John for not having the mangrit just yet." Hussie wanted others to understand that Homestuck was still in its early stages.

"mangrit?" John quickly asked.

"Fancy word for strength." Hussie thus proceeded to yet another classic moment of Homestuck; the "bathtub in the hallway" scene. Act 1 was pure comedy gold, and Hussie enjoyed every moment of reading it; more so since he had actually orchestrated this scene almost eight years ago.

Dad, on the other hand, wasn't so complacent with the changes to the household. "POOR HOUSE. LUCKILY, WE DON'T LIVE THERE ANYMORE."

"Everything will be alright. The whole planet with the house will explode that one time, but that's about it." In a lapse, Hussie forgot the "no spoiler" policy... yet again. He decided to fuck the policy at this point, even if he knew that it was only about to bring good changes.

"STOP DROPPING SPOILERS. THEY CONFuSE ME."

"We really need to get together and read Homestuck without a weirdo who happens to be the author of the comic..." Rose began conceiving her plans on how the read of Homestuck could have been made much better.

"You mean the author of the comic who happens to be a weirdo?" As it turned out, when language was employed, the order of words was everything.

"Oh, please." Without hesitation, Rose moved on to the comic panel where John was apparently standing in the middle of the bathtub in question.

"Pfft. A true Homestuck classic." Even some fans could agree with Hussie that out of all the "classics" of Act 1, this one stood out.

"I see. Out of all the mishaps that happened so far, this is the funniest one, even when I am coldly remarking the fact and not actually laughing." Rose still felt that she should remain completely impartial to her subject of study. Unfortunately, this already proved to be impossible, as she was a character of the comic and therefore responsible for whatever happened in it.

220 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "WELL, THEN YOu SHOuLD LAuGH."

"No. That would be rude." Rose pointed to the same excuse which she had been bringing up almost all the time.

Therefore, the read of the comic had moved on to an actual action page, where John was desperately trying to lift the sledgehammer.

"LET'S LAuGH AT ZOOSMELL SOME MORE. SINCE HE CAN'T MANAGE THE HuMAN APPLIANCE."

"Cherubs have sledgehammers too, though." Hussie kept throwing wrenches into whatever Caliborn said. This was one of the rare ways to placate him.

"DO THEY."

"I said that to make you shut up. Now let's move on without you, since you will surely be lost in the train of thought and we will have concluded Homestuck." Now, this was obviously a joke. Hussie hadn't even planned to conclude the read of Homestuck today. Today was only the day when Act 1 would conclude.

Thus, the author of the comic moved forward towards this goal by clicking the link yet again, showing a simple act of aid: the Sburb cursor was aiding John in lifting the sledgehammer.

"thanks!" John looked at Rose, not saying her name but making it pretty obvious whose work it was.

"WITH HELP LIKE THIS, MY SON WILL DEFINITELY GROW UP FASTER. KEEP AT IT, TENTACLE FRIEND." Dad continued with yet another insightful comment. Despite typing in all caps and generally being pretty strange, he was actually a nice person to have around.

"Hmm." As Rose wondered things that only she would rather know to herself, Hussie moved on to an animated page where the Cruxtruder did a quirky motion as it was activated.

"THE CRUX THING DIDN'T DO THAT, THOuGH." Caliborn immediately took the Flash panel skeptically.

"Yes, it did. Don't tell me what did and didn't happen in my comic." After all, the events of Homestuck weren't like the characters. The characters, if they grew up in different circumstances, could be entirely different people, but the events were an universal constant.

"WHAT IF YOu'RE A SHITTY ARTIST."

"I'm not. Let's remember that I created you." Hussie chuckled to himself; said the master of shitty art himself.

"OH." The comic thus moved on yet again, this time to a pesterlog page where Rose first mentioned going to GameFAQs and looking up walkthroughs.

STAGE 5 ==> 221 "HEY. THAT'S CHEATING. LOOKING STuFF uP ONLINE." Caliborn, after all, was a huge fan of playing by the rules.

"Well, it is kind of a life or death game..." Hussie reminded everyone of the direness of the situation.

"YEAH. IF I PLAYED IT, I WOULD WANT TO BE AS PREPARED AS I COULD POSSIBLY BE." With this thoughtful quote from Dad, Hussie clicked on to show how the Cruxtruder finally extracted a Cruxite Dowel, one of the primary building blocks used by Sburb to conjure its intrepid fantasyscape.

"I see the blue cylinder will also serve some purpose. Though, I can't tell what." Rose, at this point, was fully immersed in the experience of being a Homestuck reader, and even had forgotten that she is really a character, a puppet at Hussie's hands.

"You'll see. Let's keep reading." The next page of Homestuck was another ill-advised action by John; trapping his PDA inside his sylladex.

"fuck." John exclaimed.

"HA." Caliborn laughed.

"Please." Rose pleaded.

"NO." Dad insisted.

"Next!" Hussie clicked, and thus the parade of brief comments ended. Instead, another captchalogue card seemingly appeared out of nowhere in Homestuck's environment, and even though for everyone else it was obvious that it will serve a purpose as well, Caliborn thought differently...

"OH COME ON. IT'S JuST A CARD. DID IT REALLY..."

"Will you cut it with the negative comments already?" Attempting to help Caliborn's cause, Hussie clicked, but didn't even get to see what the page was about until he shouted again: "YES. ZOOSMELL POOPLORD, THE SYLLADEX DESTRuCTION MACHINE."

"You will start calling John "Heir of Breath" right now." Hussie was completely disappointed in Caliborn's behavior. However, Rose at this point had to act as a sort of mediator, or at least separate the two enemies of the MS Paint Adventures battlefield. She inquired: "Wait, so it's Knight of Time, Seer of Light, Heir of Breath and..."

"Witch of Space."

"Thank you." Rose liked the idea that Homestuck had finally started to come together, and thought that a guide like this would be useful in some part, so that people like Caliborn couldn't quite come to life.

222 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One Chapter 5.14. The Anime

"John: Captchalogue fanciful harlequins." Rose continued on, still feeling the paranoia being surrounded by the coming of the hypothesized "Her Imperious Condescension". However, not all the people surrounding them felt the same. For example, John's father instead preferred to look at the damage done to the fictional house and its props, as he stated: "THE PRECIOUS DOLL. I HOPE THAT IT DOESN'T GET HARMED ANY FURTHER."

"It won't, but the harm that is already done will become memetic." Hussie was trying his best to master the lingo of the 2010s Internet.

"Excuse me, "memetic"?" The lingo in question was alien to Rose.

"You know, like an Internet meme? Like your All Your Base and Over Nine Thousand and whatevers?"

"Oh, these things. Each month there seems to be a new meme, and I can't keep track of them anymore when I want to talk with my friends." Feeling content with the explanation, Rose gestured for the adventure to move on, and to emphasize what she meant, she picked up another arrow candy. She had already grown sick of arrow candies, and wished that there would be some other confection. Even the Betty Crocker cakes would have been nice.

Once the new panel appeared, Caliborn immediately noticed that the Kernelsprite spoke in apparent gibberish. "DOES THE TEXT DECODE TO ANYTHING." he asked.

"No. It's just symbols that I threw in for good measure, to emphasize that the Kernelsprite is in fact talking." Hussie answered politely. He wondered if acting with Caliborn as if he's a sweet angel would placate him. After all, "cherub" did mean "angel", right?

"ALRIGHT." Caliborn thus allowed everything to proceed, and now the action of throwing the harlequin doll into the Kernelsprite was shown.

"somehow, i feel that this isn't the brightest idea for the suggestors to have." John pointed out. He didn't want to make friends with any of the suggestors.

"They were still pretty much at the fandom's infancy stage. Just imagine an era without Homestuck the Anime, or the Gigapause, or anything like that." Hussie joked about the early fandom subtly.

"HOMOSuCK THE ANIME, YOu SAY."

"No, Homestuck the Anime." Hussie didn't event want to imagine Homosuck the Anime, even though it would have been an inevitable part of Homestuck the Anime.

"MY SON AND HIS FRIENDS ARE AMERICAN AND WILL REMAIN AMERICAN. LET'S NOT INVOKE JAPANESE CULTURE, PLEASE?" John's father immediately noticed a case of cultural appropriation that was going on in here.

STAGE 5 ==> 223 "Well, Japanese culture is... alright, let's keep on reading in that case." Hussie was not going to let himself be defeated by more social justice warriors. Kankri was awful enough, he thought to himself as music started playing, indicating the theme of the harlequin doll.

"BZZZZZ. AND SHITTY MuSIC THAT DOESN'T BELONG TO A COMIC." Caliborn immediately interrupted the melody, knowing that there was no way that it could be included in a comic that was on paper.

"Music so belongs to Homestuck." Thinking that the format of the Internet needed to be used in its fullest, Hussie used it in a way in which readers could indulge in the comic. Now, the kernelsprite continued to speak in gibberish, but John and Rose, in the comic, were making dialogue, naming the nonsense that they were making, until alternate John had to stop it.

However, the real Rose felt like this was not enough. "I wonder what other peculiar phrases this train of thought can be continued with."

"no. don't do the thing. pay attention to homestuck." John had already gotten into the soul of his depiction.

"YEAH, FLIGHTYMOuTH. uSE YOuR WITS. TO SHuT uP. AND LET uS READ IN PEACE. THIS ESPECIALLY APPLIES TO COMIC YOu."

"Comic Rose can't hear you." Hussie reminded Caliborn that there was still a fourth wall separating the comic from its readers, and the only thing that could be done was further progression of the comic. As of there, John was seen to exit his house, and yet no actual action proceeded.

"what. why would i even think of that."

"Someone else suggested it, duh." The fact that there were suggestors behind this was so obvious to Hussie, and was a simple truth of Homestuck, as was the truth that every single feature of Sburb needed to be revealed in Act 1, so that the terms in which the characters play would be known.

"YuP. JuST SCOPE OuT EVERY BuTTON." Caliborn kept being disappointed in what Homestuck had become.

"Each button serves a purpose within Sburb, though." Rose noted, outside the comic.

"Yeah. Cool alchemy shit cannot happen without this particular panel."

Leaving "cool alchemy shit" aside and choosing to be surprised by it later, John clicked on. At this point, though, he facepalmed to himself again, seeing another misfortune of his.

"HA. HA. HA. ZOOSMELL KEEPS FAILING." Caliborn laughed.

"SOMEONE WILL HAVE TO FETCH THAT." Dad reminded.

224 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "...Becquerel the omnipoterrier?" Having caught on to the single word, Hussie didn't notice how yet another page of Homestuck was before him, in which the Kernelsprite was excited by an action that John had just did.

"THE CLOWN IS EXCITED. I THINK IT NEEDS TO BE FED." A father was doing whatever was the best for its hypothetical pet.

"Because we really need a cakesprite or something like that."

"a cake sprite..." John remembered yesterday and immediately almost threw up. "wow, cake and coca cola drinks do NOT mix. take it from me, we tried yesterday. i almost ruined the whole party."

"How can you ruin your own party?" The thought that the friendship could be separated was unfathomable to Rose.

"that's the point." John motioned to click on the blue link again, and now the process of the way in which the Alchemiter did its function was revealed.

"DID WE REALLY NEED THAT ANIMATION." This action was as pointless to Caliborn as almost everything else within Homosuck... Homestuck.

"Yes. You want to picture everything that is happening within Sburb to minute detail, especially when it becomes highly abridged."

"When it becomes abridged, though, wouldn't something greater be going on?" Rose pointed out the flaw within Hussie's logic. The man was not without fault.

"Um... yes." As Hussie noted it, another page of Homestuck was shown, in which the Alchemiter's purpose was revealed: to create objects out of thin air.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE CuBES."

"They're Perfectly Generic Objects."

"THEY'RE PERFECTLY GENERIC." Unknowingly, Dad was actually rehashing a part of dialogue from Homestuck.

"Well, then name something more generic."

"uhhhhh..." John still had a long way to go before he could indulge in abstract philosophies.

"Precisely." Hussie clicked on and, by this action, showed John using his telescope, while the Kernelsprite continued to distract the attention of some people, in particular Caliborn.

"One can only purposelessly ponder what meaning the Kernelsprite's agitation has." Rose was also put away by this, seemingly.

STAGE 5 ==> 225 "Sprites always get worked up when something important game-wise is happening." Hussie answered as if he, himself, was some sort of Homestuck's sprite. Since there was nothing to do here, the comic proceeded to show the view on the telescope that included a peculiar object.

"HuH. A FLAMING PROJECTILE." Caliborn recognized the object.

"THIS IS BECOMING RATHER CONCERNING TO ME AS WELL." As Dad said this, without anyone really recognizing it, the object was shown up close. Indeed, it was a meteor.

"tick tock. the time is ticking, and the sun is setting." John felt like the comic was going on for too long as well.

"We're almost done with Act 1. Don't worry." Hussie clicked on, showing Comic John being rather worried.

"AND THuS. A STuPID IMPORTANT THING FINALLY HAPPENS." Caliborn, again, accidentally mentioned something that Hussie recognized.

"That quote. Homosuck is simply a classic." Hussie smiled.

"ARE YOu SuGGESTING. THAT SOMEONE SAID THIS BEFORE."

"Yup. You, in the Homosuck tirade within Homestuck."

"OH MY GOD. I THINK I HATELOVE THIS COMIC." Nothing before had ever made Caliborn have such mixed feelings. END OF STAGE 5

226 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One STAGE 6 ==>

Chapter 6.1. Empress and Heiress

-- )(er Imperious Condescension began trolling cuddlefishCuller [CC] --

)(IC: yo CC: T)(e -Empress?! CC: Now T)(AT'S unexpected! )(IC: well whaddaya thin )(IC: cant hang around a dead empire like a defeated chumpstick for evas CC: T)(is is a W)(OL-E N-EW universe! CC: )(ow did you get )(ere? )(IC: shenanigans )(IC: thass not terribly relevant CC: It kind of is! )(IC: is not )(IC: least is not more important than a fake prophet drawin you CC: W)(ale, Andrew- CC: You're just c)(ickening out! CC: Don't t)(ink I don't sea past you. 38P )(IC: it ISNT IMPORTANT )(IC: least not in the light of our common matters as empress and heiress )(IC: do i have to spellit out for u CC: Sig)(. CC: Reely? )(IC: alright motha fucka u asked for it )(IC: but when im finished wed better discuss important stuff )(IC: that understood CC: Okie dokie! )(IC: so i basically hung around post vast glub )(IC: our common lusus just got fed up w/ shit and exploded CC: I wouldn't say it exploded! CC: It was definitely intact for me to prototype it, for one. )(IC: the word exploded has many meanins )(IC: not ma pond )(IC: anywhale so )(IC: an i was some 600 light sweeps away from tha core )(IC: an ma pilot was dead )(IC: glubbed up in thick blood CC: Your pilot? )(IC: kinna like yur )(IC: what wassit again )(IC: skrillex captive )(IC: i forget )(IC: when theres twelve douchesnots runnin round in sgrub its kinna hard to keep track of em all )(IC: seariously

STAGE 6 ==> 227

)(IC: TW-ELV-E )(IC: cut me some slack CC: Skrillex... CC: You mean Sollux! CC: W)(at aboat )(im? )(IC: not him )(IC: his ANC-ESTOR CC: O)(, sorry t)(en! )(IC: so he dead )(IC: and i head back to alternia 2 figure out what tha fucks goin on )(IC: since ma pilotin is shit it takes 600 sweeps )(IC: this eight that u got into aint nothin compared to me CC: Oh, shucks. CC: I never t)(ought I'd say that, but not even a COMPL-ET-E TYRANT deserves t)(at. )(IC: an i get to alternia )(IC: to finish one last deal )(IC: to kill tha fucker of shit up )(IC: do u kno antidote medicare CC: Geez, you're s)(ore to make yourshellf misunderstood! )(IC: anyway her ancestor )(IC: an then imma opposed to get er powers )(IC: of travelin thru times )(IC: but guess what )(IC: she N-EV-ER )(AD such a power )(IC: twas all this english dude )(IC: an im now his subservant )(IC: so hed drop me in )(IC: but this universe is outside is domain )(IC: so he drops me directly outside )(IC: an i enter rite thru the frogverses eyes )(IC: so im here )(IC: an apparently ur universe is so butchered up sgrub is not possible )(IC: an its all thanks to dude w/ a webcomic CC: )(mm. CC: Crabcatc)( said somet)(ing about giving t)(is universe cancer. CC: Is t)(at it? )(IC: maybs )(IC: i dont care )(IC: bu tha pond is )(IC: dat u have royal matters to attend )(IC: an its pretty much jus u an me )(IC: think boat it )(IC: empress and heiress CC: )(u)(. )(IC: where do u live CC: )(awaii! )(IC: stupid q )(IC: coarse i kno where u live )(IC: a united state so awesome it doesnt wanna be w/ all the shitstates of murrica )(IC: meenwhile im )(IC: im not even sure this island has a name tbh )(IC: just a frog temple n a guy w/ a girl who lived there

228 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One )(IC: something harley CC: )(arley? )(IC: y )(IC: anyways well kinda )(IC: have to meet )(IC: do u think we could meet CC: You didn't state w)(ic)( part of t)(e world you were from, t)(oug)(... )(IC: oh FUCK M-E )(IC: forgot boat ma powers )(IC: even tho i literally mentioned em in this conversation )(IC: its like )(IC: i use em erry day )(IC: bu theres like 420 of em )(IC: an i cant use all 420 erry day )(IC: o alright anyways )(IC: problem o transportation solved CC: Mig)(t you state w)(at AR-E t)(ese royal matters? )(IC: shore )(IC: were fuckin shit up CC: T)(at's too broad. CC: Mig)(t t)(e Almig)(ty -Empress please narrow it down? )(IC: quit it w/ tha fake politeness shit )(IC: everone knos were equal CC: Sorry! )(IC: so theres hussie dude )(IC: our fake prophet slash reel prophet )(IC: slash webcomic guy CC: So? )(IC: he needs 2 be dead CC: O)(, t)(is will D-EFINIT-ELY not do. )(IC: yes it will thass what u do w/ reluctant subjects CC: Let's just agree t)(at we are NOT your subjects. )(IC: so are CC: Are not! )(IC: so are its unreel )(IC: specially when i can jus look over all twelve of u )(IC: plus webcomic guy )(IC: so thirteen )(IC: ergo nodda big deal CC: Your rulers)(ip is pretty muc)( nonexistent in t)(at case! )(IC: jus fuck u )(IC: aright plan b )(IC: i wont cull hussie if he has sgrub two point oh )(IC: which is kinna what im lookin for CC: Ocray! CC: You still don't )(ave my endorsement, t)(oug)(. )(IC: :/ )(IC: id cull any of u twelve bu i kinna need u to survive so trolls are reborn )(IC: an ofc u in particular to be ma heiress CC: So w)(at AR-E you getting at t)(en?

STAGE 6 ==> 229

)(IC: i need sgrub )(IC: to wreak havoc upon u alls )(IC: shrimple as dat CC: T)(is is going now)(ere... )(IC: is CC: Is not! )(IC: is )(IC: ma words final as im much older CC: V-ERY W-ELL ALRIG)(T T)(-EN W-E'LL S-E-E ABOAT T)(AT MISS PS- EUDOGODD-ESS S-EADW-ELL-ER TROLL )(ITL-ER. )(IC: hitler )(IC: aw yiss CC: W)(at kind of t)(oroug)(ly disturbed soul would want to compare s)(ellself to )(itler? )(IC: tha best thoruffly disturbed soul thass who )(IC: tha hitler human is simply tha best human @ conquest )(IC: still a lameass compared 2 me bu hey they tried )(IC: i SUPPOS-E CC: Just... inform me w)(en t)(ere's news, ocray? )(IC: shore thin CC: Good riddance.

-- cuddlefishCuller [CC] ceased pestering )(er Imperious Condescension --

)(IC: pffhahaha u usin tha lameass human chat client )(IC: i am SO sendin u ma version o trollian next time )(IC: seeya later feelfairy Chapter 6.2. Horse Weirdo / Teal Seer

Andrew Hussie was about to routinely click on the blue link that would have led to the next page. However, before he could do that, he was stopped by Rose, who only said: "I think we're going a bit too fast."

"Oh, come on. The Condesce will get us!" Andrew retorted.

"She will not get us. You're overreacting."

"WHAT IS EVEN THE DEAL WITH HER. CAN WE GET A STORY?" Caliborn intervened. After all, he needed it to be explained to his thick skull, or otherwise he would remain as indifferent towards them as ever, and would hate that they were told to him in the first place. That's what he thought of Homestuck before he read it, at least.

"Working on it. Will be done when you stop being a petty child." Hussie snapped back. The entirety of the speedrun fiasco was already getting to his nerves, and comments with hidden meaning like this were really showing that he couldn't stand his characters anymore.

"RRRNGH. OF ALL THE PEOPLE TO CREATE HOMOSuCK. IT WAS YOu."

"Don't assume that a version of Homestuck created by me would be any better." Rose intervened.

230 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "I AM NOT. BECAuSE OF YOuR FLIGHTYMOuTHINESS."

"Oh, Jesus." Hussie feared that Caliborn might go on another tirade. Caliborn tirades were always the worst thing ever, even when you didn't have to hear them shouted out loud.

"SOMEONE WHO WRITES HOMOSuCK SHOuLD HAVE MADE IT. AS SuCCINCT AS POSSIBLE. YOu ARE AN uNWORTHY CANDIDATE. SINCE YOuR HOMOSuCK HAS THOuSANDS OF PAGES. AND FLIGHTYMOuTH IS NO BETTER. BECAuSE I SWEAR. THAT SHE SPEAKS EVEN MORE THAN YOu, HuSSIE."

"Then again, a version of Homestuck written by someone else wouldn't have the same characters, and therefore you wouldn't be there to argue..."

"YOu SEE. THAT IS THE PROBLEM. EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM. IS JuST SORT OF A HORSE WEIRDO. AND HIS IMAGINATION TRICKS."

"WE ARE NOT IMAGINARY, THOUGH." John's father was meaning to take part in the discussion as well.

"NO ONE ASKED YOu."

"Man, I so wish I could hook Karkat or Terezi up. But no. Guess they are involved in their own matters." Hussie lamented.

"EVERYTHING WITH KARKAT IS SORTED. DON'T BELIEVE ME? HERE. HE TOLD ME HIS CHuMHANDLE AND ALL."

"You mean a trolltag." Andrew didn't quite realize that everything was taking place on the Earth and solely used Pesterchum.

"NO, I MEAN A CHuMHANDLE. ON YOuR GAY CHAT CLIENT. THAT I'LL HAVE TO MAN uP AND uSE." Caliborn knew better, though; at least from the past day. After all, Calliope didn't feel the need to use this dreaded Open Source Pester Chat or whatever thing until today, when she met two of those... those... awful white dead weight. Caliborn didn't even feel like he could construct sentences correctly, considering how angry he was, and honestly he didn't even care.

"On the other hand, even if an alien overlord came to eat us whole, it would probably be better than the times of suffer with this cherub. Let's continue through the remaining stretch of Homestuck." Rose insisted.

"Alright." Hussie clicked on the blue link and therefore, after a brief pause, the final segment of Homestuck was now about to be read.

Terezi Pyrope sat back to think about everything that had happened the past two days.

STAGE 6 ==> 231

Her feelings were quite contradictory. Even though she had learned that she is a fictional character and therefore less real or alive than anyone around her, she had never felt so much alive before. There was a sudden burst of action, what with Karkat messaging her about Hivebent, and in what seemed like no time at all she was caught in more action than even in her days during Sgrub.

She still had vivid memories of Sgrub, as she had the dreams. Undoubtedly there was the whole Prospit deal, but she hadn't dreamt about Prospit for so long, she wondered if that ball of honey still existed next to the cotton candy cloudscape in the eternal void, or the other dreamers of the place, if you were already willing to go on this tangent. (Of course she knew that those were called Skaia and the Medium. Can't you let the troll girl have at least a little fun playing with her imagination?)

And playing with her imagination was exactly what the teal-blooded troll did. She immediately drew up a scene not unlike that of the human courtrooms (or, for that matter, troll legislacerator blocks) and immediately drew the roles. Since then, she had long lost most of her scalemates, but one precious remained with her. Terezi stood up, looking away from her computer, and finally found him.

Chief Deputy Pyralspite definitely looked like he had seen better days. The once white fabric had dulled to the ugliest mixture of Terezi's own blood and sweat, since over time, she had most likely hugged him too much. After all, eight human solar cycles had been spent together with him, and he could almost be considered Terezi's best friend. Unlike the trolls that shared her misfortune of being trapped on the Earth, he would never abandon her, even when everyone else had already gone shithive maggots or whatever Karkat was saying. Was that even a thing Karkat could say? Terezi didn't even care, as long as Pyralspite was there.

In her imagination, Pyralspite was already judging the actions on his own. Perhaps even he himself was some sort of "fictional character". Of course, since human courts had always have to overcomplicate stuff, he didn't even think of the term "fictional character". He didn't even have anything to comprehend the situation that he was in, because he was but a mere part of a troll girl's imagination. (Terezi then thought that her roleplaying skills had really dulled through the human solar cycles, since the cast was always the same, and others would look at her with weird glances for even considering such an action, if the whole alien look wasn't weird enough.) Instead, the only thing on his mind was how Hussie had to be executed for the treachery of personal space.

Terezi, though, immediately looked away from that thought. Humans were simply too nice to be killed, and they even had proven it themselves by struggling to remove capital punishment from their practices.

Nevertheless, though, Hussie was someone not to be trusted. That much could be discerned by any troll from Alternia.

232 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One Chapter 6.3. The Action of Grounding

Author's idiotisms: I'm starting to believe that the chapter titles are actually keywords that RetJohn could focus on and zap to the events of the chapters in question.

"John: High-five Kernelsprite."

Rose wondered if the cut-off point that separated the final stretch of Act 1 from the rest of the segment of the story had been chosen well. After all, the whole act seemed to tell a continuous story, and while the integral character of the story couldn't predict how it would end, there seemed to be no breaking points for the adventure. Nevertheless, it was something to ponder during the later acts, when the structure of Homestuck would be much more apparent.

What could be commented on, though, was the action itself. John had remembered the whole "prototyping" thing, and wondered: "i just hope i don't prototype my hand or something stupid while high-fiving."

"No, Dave is the one to self-prototype. Get with the program!" Hussie retorted.

"EXCuSE ME. ARE THOSE SPOILERS I HEAR. THOSE THINGS ABOuT THE FuTuRE OF THE STORY." Caliborn had finally begun learning the lingo.

"Um... yes. Sorry." In his own shame, Hussie clicked again, showing the next page, with its box of Betty Crocker snacks. He was the first to notice that.

With all his luck, John's father was next. "AH, YES, BETTY SURE KNOWS HOW TO BRIGHTEN UP THE DAY."

"i'll brighten up your day if you quit with the grounding and that... that... WITCH." Against all expectations, John was the one to be the most disgusted with his own father. Though, these expectations were not necessarily unreasonable; after all, John and Dad had spent long years together, and in those years there were plenty of times for these two similar yet very distinct personalities to clash.

"YOU WILL NOT INSULT BETTY CROCKER OR THE ACTION OF GROUNDING. FOR THESE WORDS, I WILL SUBJECT YOU TO BOTH." Dad snapped back, but before a full-scale familial argument could take place, Hussie clicked on to the next page, showing that a similar argument might take place inside the comic, what with the white car returning.

"VOILA. THE KID IS NOW DEAD." Caliborn clapped his hands, expecting real action to take place.

"MY SON IS NOT DEAD. I DON'T WANT MY SON TO BE DEAD. I WANT HIM TO GROW INTO A REAL ADULT." John's father was just being a pure father.

STAGE 6 ==> 233

"We get it." Hussie duly noted, while a turmoil took place inside John. If his father loved him, then surely grounding and deliberate alienation wouldn't be taking place, much less when the son was legally an adult and therefore able to move on from the family. If only that programming class would have been a success... one of the two times...

While John slightly gritted his teeth, Hussie proceeded to the next page, in which the gaping holes in John's bathroom were finally fixed, thanks to Sburb. Truly, the same thing that ruined that thing should also be able to fix it. That much was a fact of life.

"Ah, yes, my swift hand is at work now." Rose was definitely enjoying the comic version of herself. Only Hussie knew that she wouldn't be doing this for too long.

"what would we do without you and your ways of getting things done ever so subtly?" John was only being a good friend. He was practically born to be a friend.

"(Damn you and your making of the story into what it shouldn't have been.)" Hussie whispered under his breath.

"What?" However, no detail like this could pass under Rose's watch. There was something wrong with Hussie, wasn't there? The whole act of creating a comic altered him, and now he couldn't live it down, no matter what else he did.

"Nothing. Let's move on." To further distract her, Hussie clicked on, showing how John's father was looking around, wondering what happened to various fixtures of the house.

"THESE THINGS ARE ONLY QUESTIONABLE WHEN I AM NOT THE GOD LOOKING DOWN ON THIS COMIC."

"AS IT SHOuLD BE." Most of all, Caliborn was sick of the idea that this comic exists and can be read by anyone. No one should be subject to this... this torment.

"Why did I think that having my own characters read their comic was a good idea?"

"It is still an interesting piece of literature." Rose didn't want her own creator to feel miserable.

"It is not literature. No literature has images on every page." Hussie gulped, knowing that he would never be on the same level as Shakespeare and Jane Austen.

The comic, though, was literally having none of this, existing as its own being, one that Hussie gave its life. This time, John had run to his expanded room to receive several messages.

"YES. RuN, YOu POOPLORD."

"The whole pooplord shtick has already gotten old." Hussie quickly mulled over the options for Caliborn; his brain had already gotten good at this particular kind of thinking ahead into the future. "Don't worry, though. You'll have a new victim."

234 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "Is it me? Please don't tell me it's me." Rose knew she was the obvious choice; she was another kid together in it with John, and she needed to get down from her pedestal, as Dad had already gotten down from his when the pranks were played to him.

"Let's see." Hussie proceeded to show another page of pesterlogs. There was a brief excerpt from Rose, who was meaning to write a walkthrough of Sburb to be used properly, as well as a lengthy Dave rant. Hussie quickly read over the rant and immediately began laughing.

"what's so funny?" John wondered. "i mean, it's dave's stuff, but his stuff has never been funny..."

"Oh, John, you don't understand." Hussie kept smiling. "This is classic. This is what Homestuck is supposed to be. This is so good, I think there should be an actual work of fiction about Earth being under attack by Planet. Fucking. Jupiter."

"I DON'T THINK HOMOSuCK IS SuPPOSED TO BE ANYTHING."

"Oh, shut up." Of all things, Hussie didn't want Caliborn to ruin the moment. Perhaps he needed to read Homestuck alone or something.

Then again, he couldn't just leave his characters without the information. Chapter 6.4. Mutilated Cakes

"John: Use pre-punched card on totem lathe."

John glanced at the page. As it appeared, the plot of Homestuck was actually progressing, but it wasn't entirely clear where the progress was headed. Though, there was the obvious fact that the pace was increasing, leaving him with this positive remark: "oh, cool. we're finally figuring out things. about time since we're all about to die."

"YEAH. LET uS COMMEMORATE. uNTIL THE CONDESCE BITCH GETS uS." For Caliborn, the situation was becoming increasingly boring. Surely, the end of Act 1 wasn't that far away, right?

"Don't mention her name. I think she's listening in on us whenever we mention her by name." Hussie glanced at everyone nervously. Of course, he knew that the Condesce wasn't a First Guardian and therefore couldn't suddenly appear on the scene... wait, didn't she control First Guardians, like GCat, with her mind?

Knowing that the answers to these questions won't be answered in his lifetime, though, Hussie clicked on, showing a page where John was trying to avoid his father while going around the house. He slightly giggled and said: "Look at this man who doesn't even know how to properly flashstep."

"as if i wanted to be dave's bro." John immediately knew which person the word "flashstep" was associated with, and did not like to see him as a role model.

STAGE 6 ==> 235

"THE TURNTECH FRIEND'S ELDER BROTHER, INDEED, IS A COOL PERSON." The fact was there, though; if you were Dave's brother, you had the ultimate level of irony and coolness. It was a fact of Homestuck, and by this time, facts of Homestuck might as well be facts of life.

"Please, not another crackship." Hussie became worried for what his characters had become, right here, in Easthampton.

"THE FLIPPING HELL IS A CRACK SHIP."

"A ship that..." Hussie began explaining, but by this time it was obvious that no one wanted to listen to him anymore, and especially not the person he was trying to explain stuff to.

"WHAT'S A SHIP." Caliborn began completely ripping up Hussie's methods. "YOu DO REALIZE THAT YOu'RE JuST A SPOuT. OF TERMS THAT NOBODY uSES ANYWAY. BESIDES YOuR CLOSED CIRCLE OF HOMOSuCK "FANS."

His arguments, surprisingly, were also applicable to a human being observing Homestuck from the outside. Hussie had been completely beaten to this point, and the best he could come up with was: "Oh, shut the fuck up."

"NO, YOu SHuT THE FuCK uP." Caliborn, through slow talking, realized that this was his one and only chance to completely beat Hussie at his own game. "I CAN'T TAKE ANY OF YOuR SMuGNESS. I THOuGHT I HAD ALREADY ESTABLISHED THAT. BuT NO."

"Get it right for once. Aranea is the smug one."

"AND THE FuCK IS AN ARANEA."

Caliborn had finally defeated Hussie at this point, and there was only one comment to be had: "...Let's move on." Hussie thus clicked on the blue link and showed how what had remained of two cakes was thrown onto John's eternal nemesis, the pogo ride.

"I WEEP A TEAR FOR THE MUTILATED CAKES." As always, Dad remained faithful to baking and cakes, just to keep the name of his mother... well, in case she died. She had died in Homestuck, but it was only pixels projected onto a cloth.

"and i wish them a good vacation in cake hell." John, however, did not share the same sentiment.

"Cake hell is not a thing."

"Well, if android hell is a conceived concept," Rose said, pointing out a certain place from a certain video game, "why can't cake hell be?"

"A CONCEIVED WHAT NOW." By this time, it would have been much more productive if Caliborn had just left the scene.

"Lol'd at the fucking noob. Anyway, yeah, I should totally make cake hell into a thing. Except that's a dumb idea." Hussie commented.

236 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "i don't understand how people can hang around you at all." Of course, John did not understand how one became an Internet celebrity in general, but that was a discussion of another time, and not of a webcomic reading.

"They don't." Hussie was trying to explain the concept nevertheless, not even caring if he might bore something. "They enjoy my work and praise me as a god, but there is literally no contact between me and them. They will still fuck up your shit if you mess with them, though."

Just then, someone knocked at the door. Hussie immediately knew that it was one of the Homestuck fans of the area, and therefore didn't open the door. Instead, he allowed the banging to continue as he clicked on the next page, showcasing the action that was going on in John's house, complete with ripped bathtubs and dads that are able to go downstairs with pipes in their mouths.

"Just another ordinary day at the Egbert household." Hussie's giant lips were pretty much locked into the perpetual smile.

"it is not." John pointed out the obvious flaw in this thinking: after all, there were only so many cakes because it was his birthday. No one bakes a metric fuckton of cakes on an ordinary Tuesday.

"What?"

"THE YOUNG MAN HAS A POINT." As Hussie's train of thought was ruined by another member of the Egbert household, the only remaining action was to click again, showing how the Sburb machinery was, once again, used in a productive way.

"more progress. may nothing take that away from me."

"Except the new victim, whoever that is." With each subsequent page, including this one and the one after it (which Hussie was showing just right now), Rose's heart began beating more heavily. At one point, she wouldn't be able to take the tension, but for now, she could deal with it. For now.

Thus, Hussie clicked once again, and now the Totem Lathe was actually working, producing... well... let's think what a Totem Lathe would produce. Oh, that's right: a totem. Zero points for logic. That's how obvious this was.

"just the swift river of progress..."

"AREN'T WE AT LEAST GETTING AN EXPLANATION ON WHAT A TOTEM IS AND WHAT IT DOES?" Dad wondered.

"Later pages." Hussie, once again, clicked on, and a flaw in the system was finally exposed: the comic's version of Rose was no longer around, due to whatever reason.

"BAM." Caliborn was about to launch into one of his full-throated laughes, but then decided against it, and worked with logic for a moment. "GuESS WHERE WE FuCKED uP. THAT'S RIGHT. THE ONLINE FuCKING CHAT."

STAGE 6 ==> 237

"I'm worried for your mental health more than I am worried for myself." Interestingly enough, for Rose, Caliborn's comments helped her condition by distracting her from the worrisome and making her pay attention to the simply annoying.

"MY MENTAL HEALTH IS PERFECTLY FINE. DON'T JuDGE IT BY HuMAN STANDARDS." To be frank, Caliborn didn't understand cherub biology that well, and was just grasping at straws. Hussie didn't care, and clicked again, showing how a bathtub had accidentally locked John in his bedroom.

"Oops. Haha." Hussie still found something to laugh at.

"YOU WILL IMMEDIATELY BRING THE BATHTUB BACK." Dad did not like the sight of the house that he worked with being destroyed.

"I will not. I'm not the Sburb server player."

"I am not one either." Rose was not. It was the comic's version of her.

Hussie clicked, once again showing a page that didn't progress the plot, and instead showed John struggling before his death.

"TICK, TOCK. THE POOPLORD IS ABOuT TO DIE." Caliborn enjoyed the moment.

"Then again, if the protagonist is dead, that wouldn't make a very good story, now would it?" Hussie let the thought dance.

"I suppose not."

"THE FuCK IS A PROTAGO... OH HEY, IT'S OuR VICTIM!" Caliborn was about to comment on an unfamiliar term again, but had finally gotten what he wanted: another victim besides John that Homestuck was about to mock.

These last pages were going to actually be good. Chapter 6.5. Wizords

"and... arrow. who is surprised?" John asked, once again attempting to use the human sarcasm. However, this failed to get the attention of the only person who would have been able to judge this, since she was present not only in person in Hussie's home, but also on the computer screen in what could be considered Hussie's virtual home.

Therefore, she continued with the scene as if John wasn't there. "Just the way I like it being. I suppose I haven't changed at all during the years, except for the parts where I got slightly more mature."

"LET'S LOOK AT THE HORRIBLE NAME THAT THEY GIVE YOu INSTEAD." Caliborn had grown impatient with every following page, and therefore decided to try and get the touchpad himself. After a quick handfight with Hussie, Caliborn could grab the laptop in its entirety and

238 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One continue reading himself. He clicked, and the girl was given a "name" - if it could even be called that.

"FLIGHTY BROAD... I VAGuELY REMEMBER SOMETHING." Caliborn thought.

"About how you discarded the nickname and went for the amalgamation?" Being around Hussie was really creepy; he always seemed to remember everything about the people he met, down to the most mundane detail and/or life event. Not that Caliborn would have noticed.

"OH YEAH. FLIGHTY... BLABBERMOuTH... THE ANNOYING ONE." Caliborn tried to gather what he once came up with, but had no luck.

"On the contrary," Rose pointed out, "that isn't even a very well-conceived insult, seeing as I am not considered as "the annoying one" by my friends."

"YOu ARE CONSIDERED THAT BY ME." Even though Caliborn's logic was flawed and this was already clear, he still tried his best to fight against anyone who might tarnish his reputation (of which he had none).

"NOT A VERY GOOD ARGUMENT." Dad knew how to put an egocentrical kid to his place.

Meanwhile, the egocentrical kid knew how to put everyone else in place, but only when he had the laptop in his green hands. He clicked again, and now the "victim" had gotten a proper name. Rose looked at it and sighed deeply.

"well, rose? here's your official welcome into homestuck." John held Rose's hand, for now they were to be mocked together.

"WHEN WILL I GET ONE." Caliborn wondered.

"Much, much later. I will say that, so you actually learn to be patient." Hussie and Caliborn, by this point, had already learned how to be mortal enemies.

"I ALREADY KNOW THAT."

"YOU DO NOT." Dad was pointing out how Caliborn often said things without thinking about them a second time. It seemed to be a particularly annoying quirk of the cherub biology, and if it couldn't be eradicated, then at least it could be covered up.

"I WILL STICK YOuR PIPE uP YOuR ASS IF YOu KEEP PATRONIZING ME." Before Dad could respond to Caliborn's insult, he clicked again, showing Comic Rose's room.

"I just have one question," Rose pointed out, looking over the room. Everything that she had there, she had in real life, except one thing. "Who are those fictional characters next to the modified Sigmund Freud portrait?"

STAGE 6 ==> 239

"They're from my own wizardfic, Wizardy Herbert." Hussie was ready to tell Rose everything about Wizardy Herbert, as he just now remembered that this was the one way in which he and Rose could bond.

"Interesting enough." As Rose responded, she once again looked at the switched page, showing how she was hiding her secrets, even when observed by a third party.

Before she commented on the page, though, she wanted to get to know more about Wizardy Herbert. "Mr. Hussie, would I assume that you have a similar interest in wizards that I have - persistent, but always wanting to be covered up?"

Hussie couldn't answer, as Caliborn rudely pointed at the Homestuck page. "READ THAT. AND COMMENT ON IT. YOuR WIZORDS OR WHATEVER THE HELL THEY ARE CALLED WILL NOT INTERRuPT THIS HIGHLY IMPORTANT MATTER."

"But what if I want to-" For now, Rose chose to ignore the mispronunciation "wizords", which occasionally would also come from her mother. Of course, alcohol-induced mispronunciations and not being aware of the concept of wizards were two different things.

"ALSO, DON'T SPEAK FOR TOO LONG OR YOu KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN."

Knowing that she would have to play by Caliborn's rules, now that he had Hussie's computer, Rose looked. The motion of her alternate's feet was really the nuance that made Homestuck slightly better, and she had to think before actually smiling. Instead, she delivered what she thought in words: "Suffice to say that I am able to pry secrets from everyone, but no one can discover whatever I'm hiding."

"THAT IS. uNTIL YOu ARE DEPICTED LIKE THIS IN FRONT OF EVERYONE." Caliborn, though, was going to rip this human bitch up like a... he hadn't ripped up a human bitch yet so he couldn't compare the feeling to anything, but damn if it wasn't going to be good.

"I'm sure that even then, I would be able to cope with the narrative medium and don't let anybody know what I'm feeling." Rose glanced around the room nervously, as if a physical fourth wall was to exist that would separate her from the Condesce, or - God- ahem, Hussie forbid - yet another fictional author and their own audience.

But for now, the only thing that mattered for her was for Act 1 to actually conclude and for her to be able to get on with her life.

Oh, it was really getting late. She was lucky that she wasn't bound to any sort of schedule as of right now, because otherwise she could potentially be even more disrupted. She didn't even want to imagine going through college and knowing that all her life is a lie conjured by someone else at the same time.

Also, she had just begun to realize that none of this made any sense and she just needed to continue reading, rather than have these meta thoughts.

I won't judge you, Rose.

240 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One Just go along my story. Chapter 6.6. Troll Logic

"Rose: Writhe like a... um... no. I refuse to even read this, let alone consider it." Rose could at least dismiss any insults if they were towards another person, and thus begin acting as a comforting body. However, this was just getting a little bit too personal. She was now the one who needed custody, and she sincerely hoped that John would deliver.

Instead, though, Caliborn began harassing her even more: "YEEEEEEEEEEES. PuKE, BITCH."

"will you stop with your comments already?" There we go, Rose thought as John began. "i'm DEFINITELY not going to another homestuck read if you are there."

"THEN I WILL BE THERE. AND YOu WON'T. FuCKER."

"WE MUST ENJOY THE COMIC TOGETHER. I SUGGEST THAT WE REACH A COMPROMISE." John's father made the mistake of assuming that the experience was enjoyable for Caliborn. (It wasn't; as much as the filler was fun, there were likely to be thousands of pages of actual plot.)

"And that compromise would be...?"

"I don't care." Hussie only had his own interests in mind, and had become completely impartial to his characters. "As long as you all become Homestuck fans, you literally pose no harm." As he learned, there was no way he was making any sort of alliance with them, and "Homestuck fans from the same town as me" was to be the closest relationship he had with any of them.

"what a great godly leader. isn't there anyone else up to the job?"

"I don't know. Is that alternate John who is zapping around realities able to access us?"

"what?" John had underestimated the greatest authorial power that Hussie had: the ability to confuse anyone who hadn't read all of Homestuck.

"HOLY SHIT HuSSIE. DON'T YOu THINK HOMOSuCK IS PROGRESSING A BIT TOO FAST?" Caliborn was quick to notice that, and now was meaning to put Hussie in his place. There should be a new comic in which all the people surrounding him were characters, and he thought that if no one else was up to the job, then he might as well write it himself.

"Don't you want to see yourself and Calliope in?" Hussie was grasping at straws.

"WHY WOuLD I WANT TO SEE MY SISTER. GIVE ME ONE REASON."

"So that you kill her?"

STAGE 6 ==> 241

"OH." Caliborn wouldn't admit defeat, but he did his best to end this particular discussion here and there. To show how defeated he felt, he even put down the laptop, so Hussie could click through the pages himself.

"We'll move on then. (I really have to quit spoiling everything.)" Hussie thus took the laptop and clicked the blue link once again, showing how Rose was now hiding her writing under her bed like an ordinary teenage girl.

"ME: TAKE THE JOuRNALS AND RIP THEM TO PIECES." Reminiscing the old days of Homestuck that he was told about, Caliborn "suggested" a command. This, of course, was so wrong on so many levels, and Rose pointed one out: "Unfortunately, this isn't effective, as I have already transferred to writing my literature by using the computer. It helps because it gives me a practice in touch-typing."

"TOuCH WHAT." Caliborn also needed to write a dictionary for all these terms that kept popping up that he didn't know.

"A thing that you don't do, given that you hit each key separately and do it while looking at the keyboard." Hussie came to help.

"WHY WOuLD I WANT TO DO THAT."

"Because then you could type faster."

"I DO NOT WANT THAT." Caliborn was pretty much thoroughly owned by Hussie.

"(You so do.)" Hussie clicked again, and thus, the sylladex shenanigans were once again in full force. The only thing that was missing was the Benny Hill theme, and Hussie wouldn't upload that because it wasn't written by a Homestuck musician. Hadn't we already gone through that once?

"THE COLORS OF THE INTERFACE HAVE CHANGED." Dad immediately pointed out the difference in this iteration of the shenanigans. "I APPROVE OF THE CHANGE."

"and what would this fetch mode be called?" John approximated the term "fetch modus", because he wasn't quite into the vernacular.

"The comic will tell. Aren't you just a group of impatient beings?"

"Also," Rose was quick to remind everyone, "the colors technically haven't changed; we just switched to a different person, who uses a different sylladex and..."

"HEY." Caliborn shouted for no particular reason. It was most likely his cherub biology playing a role in the story that it shouldn't have played, but the fact was that Caliborn and his sister acted differently from everyone else.

"What?"

"I THOuGHT THAT THE DIFFERENT PERSON WAS YOu."

242 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "And?" Rose didn't get what Caliborn was trying to say.

"YOu ARE HER. SHE IS NOT "A DIFFERENT PERSON" IF SHE'S RIGHT HERE. IN THIS ROOM. ANNOYING ME WITH ALL HER WORDS." Oh, the whole dissociation between Comic Rose and Real Rose, she figured out, but couldn't respond as the page on the projector changed once again, now to show "Comic Rose" playing the violin.

"I DEMAND THAT YOu SHuT THIS POSTMODERN MuSIC OFF AT ONCE." Caliborn covered his ears as he tried to break away from the music.

"Let me remind you that the violin is one of the instruments that has played a role in the history of music between the 16th and the 18th centuries and has made its way into the symphonic orchestra, as well as..."

"NOPE. NO. STOP RANTING AT ONCE." To Caliborn, Rose was pretty much the definition of annoying. Not only she had been playing the violin, but there were these godforsaken rants.

"Very well, then. I will allow you to remain an uneducated tool."

"A TOOL OF DESTRuCTION. AM I RIGHT?" Caliborn was basking in his own ego.

"do you, like, not know what "tool" means?"

"CAN YOu ENLIGHTEN ME? NO. THAT MEANS THAT I KNOW." Now, John felt like Caliborn couldn't be tamed and was returning to being the supreme overlord of the chat. It was really time to "scram" and just form the Homestuck Character Support Group as fast as possible.

"That troll logic. Er, I meant cherub logic." Hussie chuckled a bit. Chapter 6.7. Less than Everything

"John: Tell Liv Tyler you love her before impact." As Rose, once again, read the title of the page that was on the screen, John sighed, ready to brace Caliborn's insults full-time.

"YES. AT LEAST MR. POOPLORD CAN ENTERTAIN WITH HIS PuRE SHIT OF A SHOW." Caliborn thus began, but quickly ran out of words to say. Hussie took this as an opportunity to remind him who's boss here: "Not for long!"

"THEN I'LL STAY ON THIS PAGE FOREVER." Caliborn, though, did not anticipate that the contents of the page on the projector would change again, showing Rose again.

"Whoops! The mouse slipped. Next time, maybe."

"AREN'T YOu uSING THE RECTANGuLAR MARK ON YOuR LAPTOP?" Caliborn decided to seize the moment so that commentary of the next page wouldn't begin until later.

STAGE 6 ==> 243

"Yes?"

"THAT MEANS THAT THE MOuSE CAN'T SLIP. CASE CLOSED." Caliborn was working hard to win as many arguments with Hussie as possible, most likely so he would feel better.

"...Fuck." Defeated, Hussie glanced at the page, making sure not to accidentally click again, and looked as more details of the Tree Modus were revealed, including the alphabetical ordering system.

"AND HOW AM I SuPPOSED TO READ THAT." Caliborn looked at the equation, and even though he had seen math equations before, he didn't think they would appear in "Homosuck". "THE LETTER V PWNS THE LETTER K?"

"i think it's the "less than" sign."

"THAT IS A STuPID IDEA. LETTERS AREN'T NuMBERS. YOu CAN'T JuST COMPARE THEM." Of course Caliborn attended math classes, and sometimes they had letters in them like "x", but those weren't letters; they were numbers in disguise.

"YOU DON'T NECESSARILY HAVE TO COMPARE NUMBERS. YOU CAN ALSO COMPARE PEOPLE. AND BY THAT LOGIC, YOU ARE THE WORST PERSON. CALIBORN IS LESS THAN EVERYTHING." As Dad said this, he came to realize that the Homestuck read was basically a word fight between Caliborn and everyone else. And, surely enough, "everyone else" would win.

"OH, FuCK YOu, PIPED MAN." As Caliborn said this, Hussie clicked on, showing a page in which Rose supposedly examined the legacy that her mother had left behind. The "lead research consultant Roxanne Lalonde", as she had been called in news articles, was a famous woman.

"Just the ordinary Lalonde life. Continued acts of passive aggression, a bottomless martini and dead pets."

"Is it?" Hussie wanted confirmation from his character.

"Yes, it is. I can state that as a certain fact."

"Homestuck families are perfect. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise."

"no one can. especially since the whole move thing." John still hadn't quite gotten over the fact that he and his friends were now physically in one place, and smiled once again.

"FAMILIES SuCK." Caliborn, on the other hand...

"YOU TAKE THAT BACK."

"WHY SHOuLD I? YOu DON'T HAVE THE WORST SISTER EVER."

"LEARN TO LOVE THOSE YOU GROW UP WITH. THAT IS ALL I'M SAYING."

244 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "NEVER."

"i..." John didn't know what to do in the argument, and quite reasonably neither did anyone else.

"YOU LOVE ME. AND YOU WILL SUPPORT ME IN THE ARGUMENT."

"Alright, enough." Knowing that Dad had already grounded John (perhaps as a joke), Hussie didn't want tension between the two to rise into greater levels and therefore clicked, showing more of these equations that Caliborn would twist his head over... which he didn't, but he did notice the dance that the cards did, even though it worked according to this equation.

"OKAY, WHAT THE FuCK IS HAPPENING WITH THOSE CARDS NOW."

"complicated programming stuff. not too sure you would understand." As an aspiring programmer, John wanted to help, but he didn't want to help this non-person.

"Well, you wouldn't understand either."

"hey, i was trying to watch that birthday present dvd but then you and your read interrupted me."

Hussie thought for a while, then immediately realized what the birthday present was. "A Data Structures for Assholes DVD? Oh my god, can my world get any better?"

"how did you know?"

"Doesn't matter." Even though on the face of it Hussie's answer was inconclusive, John immediately realized it.

"oh, i should NEVER question your authorial powers. got it."

"I'm not even sure that "authorial" is a word." After all, not every author got powers like Hussie's, and Rose knew that by experience.

"IT ISN'T."

"It definitely is." Hussie had looked, long ago. "Don't ever doubt my use of English."

"FuCK YOu."

"Next page, please?" Rose realized that the quicker they go through Act 1, the quicker they get rid of Caliborn. Hussie just nodded and clicked, now showcasing the Grimoire for Summonning the Zoologically Dubious.

"My absolute favorite piece of literature of all time."

STAGE 6 ==> 245

"Not for long." At least, Hussie rooted that the thick book would be replaced, even though Homestuck wasn't really a book.

"Oh, can your internet comic supersede all my expectations from literary works?"

"Absolutely."

"NO IT CAN'T." Caliborn still failed to be entertained by the parts of Homestuck that weren't cheap jokes, and also wanted to be out of the experience.

"One expectation at a time." With this cryptic remark, Hussie clicked, and once again there was an equation and a "captchalogue this thing" command, which never ended well for John's part of the story.

"EXCuSE ME. I THOuGHT THIS SORT OF SHIT WAS OVER."

"It won't be over for a while. And before you try and guess, it won't be over when Act 1 is over." Hussie wanted to reassure everyone that Homestuck had a rather slow pace.

"THAT'S IT. I WANT HOMOSuCK TO BE WRITTEN BY SOMEONE ELSE."

"We already discussed this..." Hussie didn't want to repeat the same stuff over and over, but the fact was that such stuff was needed if one wanted to remember anything.

"I AGREE THAT THE PETTY SKULL KID SHOULD HAVE NO SAY IN THE COMIC'S WORKINGS." Dad liked messing with Caliborn.

"THE FuCK DOES PETTY MEAN."

"Your experiences made you act badly." Hussie explained. Rose also wanted to explain, but had to deal with the fact that her creator was simply quicker.

"IF BY THAT YOu MEAN. THAT MY SISTER MADE ME HATE HER. THEN THAT IS A PERFECTLY FINE TRAIT. AND MAKES ME EVEN MORE AWESOME."

Everyone sighed as they once again came to realize that Caliborn did not understand families. Chapter 6.8. Confirmed

"Rose: Go explore the house. Which one?" Rose rhetorically asked.

"I didn't know how complicated this question would get." Hussie had finally realized the whole perspective of the situation.

Rose didn't care too much, though. After all, the world of focus was the one of Homestuck, and she would comment on whatever was projected onto the wall. She thus said, noticing the first detail that was off: "Dear god... that painting. I can see why I hate it."

246 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "Don't you mean "oh yes... that painting"? After all, such intentionally shitty stuff will always make it into my comic, no matter where it's from." Hussie smiled, remembering how he made Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff into a thing; although, he and Dave would have an argument over who was the true author of that comic.

"HuSSIE WANTS TO MAKE HOMOSuCK SHITTY. CONFIRMED." Caliborn couldn't properly respond to those crazy "Illuminati confirmed" posts, but that didn't mean that the word "confirmed" was out of question to use, especially in this situation.

John's father didn't say anything, but that didn't mean that he had his own thoughts in mind. Most of all, he cared about the fact that somehow, the whole friend circle had become famous through the Internet, much like just about everyone on YouTube. But this wasn't YouTube, and therefore learning about how this became popular was going to be an experience of its own.

"i actually... you know, i actually like the comic so far. now that it's not insulting me personally, i can see that the humor permeating it... i don't even know what "permeating" means, do i." John, though, had completely different things on his mind. For the moment, he tried not listening to Caliborn at all, hoping that inaction would become an action of its own and that Caliborn would react differently.

"Glad to see that we're on the same page. I... fuck, you're the heir, right?" Hussie, though, was only concerned with the fact that he was the omnipresent pout of Homestuck trivia... and he couldn't even do that job right.

"i... presume?" John only had a vague idea of Hussie's world, and he knew that the only way to learn more about is was to read Homestuck more. Therefore, he looked where the laptop was, and surely enough, Hussie's hand was already making the next page be shown; a page in which Rose's house's interior was shown to be quite expansive, as Mrs. Lalonde was quite a "rich bitch."

"I CANNOT FATHOM HOW YOu AGONIZE OVER EVERY LITTLE DETAIL." Caliborn's mind had once again parsed that "nothing of notice happened in this page, let's move on".

"You don't have to." Hussie knew that these things worked with humans, but he didn't know that these things didn't work with cherubim.

"BuT I KIND OF DO. BECAuSE IT'S YOuR STORY. AND HOW YOu IMAGINE IT SHOuLD GO."

"As if you could make this better." Hussie wanted to ask this rhetorically; there wasn't a person who could make Homestuck better, right?

"ALRIGHT, DARE." Caliborn began scribbling on one of the precious Homestuck drawings that Hussie had done, and soon his imagination grew completely out of control. He was definitely letting people read this because it wasn't like Hussie's work could be made any worse. This was only for the better.

STAGE 6 ==> 247

As Caliborn was distracted, Hussie clicked, showing the corridor from yet another angle, as well as a silhouette made briefly by the lightning that flashed.

"holy shit. is that your mom?" John immediately recognized who that was.

"Wouldn't be any other way." Rose pointed out.

"Not under my watch." Hussie hoped that he and Rose would get to work this way. This was the human concept known as "subtlety", and Hussie was a master of it, as he was the master of all human concepts.

Knowing that, Hussie clicked and showed the corridor from the same angle, which would have surprised Caliborn if he wasn't busy with his fanfic. Therefore, it was up to the human characters to comment.

"Not getting caught by the adult woman is a persistent challenge, I must say." By this age, she had already had enough memories of home to feel nostalgia for it.

"Man, I wish I had a family like this. Well, I suppose that the Homestuck characters have become my family." Hussie looked at his characters, hoping that they would agree.

"truly."

"NOPE." Caliborn looked away from his writing to say this. He even decided to leave the piece unfinished, to prove that even something unfinished is better than "Homosuck".

"Don't ruin the moment."

"I DON'T GET WHAT THE MOMENT IS." Unfortunately, the only other adult in the scene had his own view of what a family was, and in his view, a family could only be strictly genetically related.

"What did I just say?" Hussie acted like this was just some mumbling.

"YOu SEE. THIS IS SORT OF A STuPID ARGuMENT. BECAuSE SOME OF THE HOMOSuCK CHARACTERS JuST WILL NEVER BE YOuR FAMILY. JuST AS MY SISTER SHOuLDN'T BE MY SISTER. BECAuSE I HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON WITH HER."

"I created you all. That means you all have something in common. I rest my case." Hussie hoped that this would finish the argument.

"FuCK YOu." Caliborn tried to return to his scribbling, but when he wrote a bit, he realized that he was writing an entirely different story. Therefore, he threw the scrap into the trashbin and decided to embrace Homestuck, just to know why he hates it.

248 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One Chapter 6.9. Something Called Wet

"And yet again, arrow."

"You ain't prepared." Hussie cryptically commented. The page didn't seem all that different; it was the same slow progression that characterized early Homestuck.

"SO. THE BLABBERMOuTH HAS MADE IT THROuGH. AND?" Caliborn commented, only seeing that which has been clearly drawn.

"She hasn't."

"THIS COMIC IS SOMETHING THAT YOu WOuLDN'T LIKE." Caliborn concluded, not knowing the whole intricate relationship between Hussie and the webcomic. "YOu HAVE LEFT ME WITHOuT INSuLT, HuSSIE."

"Why would I write something that I don't like?" Hussie retorted. Before Caliborn could respond, he clicked, finally showing how Rose's house (or a small part of it, at least) looked from the outside, also showing the human phenomenon called "rain".

"YOu MEAN HuMANS CAN ACTuALLY DO THAT." Caliborn was surprised at how durable humans were. Then again, he didn't rush into the rain like an idiot.

"Do what?" Hussie asked as if it was the most mundaine thing in the world.

"WALK OuT IN THE HuMAN RAIN. WITHOuT IT MELTING THEM TO DEATH. uNLESS THEY WEAR AN uMBRELLA OR SOMETHING."

"umbrellas aren't worn numbnuts." John wanted to clarify what Caliborn meant. Not that he would listen to whom he forever dubbed "Zoosmell Pooplord", without actually listening to reason.

"We can, but it is not the most pleasant experience ever. We don't get hurt, but we do get something called "wet"." Rose tried her best to explain an actual alien. She couldn't even imagine how it was to meet an alien, and even though her mother had experience in the area, she remained tight-lipped about her experiences with "Survivor-A" and "Survivor-B".

For a while, she even thought that most likely "Survivor-A" and "Survivor-B" were Calliope and Caliborn, and the revelation left her dumbfounded.

Hussie, though, only cared for what she actually said. "That has to be one of the most smartass things I've ever heard."

"YOu SEE NOW. THAT THE BLABBERMOuTH SuCKS JuST AS HARD AS YOu DO."

"Please, no." After all, if Rose's mother could deal with the alien, so could herself.

STAGE 6 ==> 249

"Yeah, you're getting nothing from this experience. Let's just continue." Hussie continued, showing an observatory from which the greater picture could be seen.

Caliborn immediately noticed that there was nothing to read. "NO TEXT. WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?"

"Fuck you. I'm no longer taking criticism from you, not after what you did last time." At this point, though, Hussie realized the blunder of mentioning spoilers of Homestuck, pretty much for the countless-th time of the day.

"WHAT LAST TIME. I ONLY MET YOu YESTERDAY." Alas, it was too late.

"DON'T ARGUE. LET'S ENJOY THIS THING TO THE VERY END." John's father, who would very rarely drop the comment and would much rather enjoy the comic silently, said. Knowing that every word that the piped man says is gold, Hussie clicked, getting one page closer to the end of Act 1, and showing how sylladex failures didn't elude anyone.

"Oops."

"SO YOu WERE TRYING TO HANDLE POOPLORD. BuT IT TuRNED OuT. THAT YOu CAN'T EVEN HANDLE YOuRSELF." Caliborn wanted to personally attack Rose, since, after all, he wanted her to be mocked just as John was, forgetting that those were two completely different people with different personalities.

"Alright, enough jokes. I can almost feel the end coming." As Hussie heard Rose, he clicked, showing an actual peek through the telescope and thus revealing that meteors were falling everywhere.

"You were right." Hussie joked for a bit. "The end of the world is coming everywhere."

"i'd know if the end of the world was in 2009. it wasn't even in 2012 last time, so your bets are pretty much off." John was pretty much a connoisseur of apocalypse movies.

"Oh, come on. You're ruining the end of the world for everyone this way. Not that there's anything to be ruined anymore, what after both Deep Impact and Armageddon."

"2012 the movie?" John knew that both Deep Impact and Armageddon were nearly as old as himself, and that there was newer material to pick.

"...You are the best at picking out the shittiest movies ever."

"What about The Day after Tomorrow?" Rose had enjoyed how a particularly smart character was the protagonist there.

"You do realize that was the same director's work, right?"

"Well. Was nice to at least have a shot at this." Rose decided that she couldn't argue with someone who had slogged through pretty much all the movies ever made.

250 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "MAY YOu NEVER GET A CHANCE TO SAY A COMMENT AGAIN." Caliborn said sarcastically, but his hopes were real.

"Don't listen to him. I want your comments."

"DON'T LISTEN TO HIM. HE IS AN uNIVERSAL DOuCHE. HAVING WRITTEN ME IN THE SAME THING AS YOu ALL." At this point, it was clear that Caliborn hated both Hussie and Rose.

"how about YOU shut the fuck up." John sighed deeply, knowing that there was no way that Caliborn was to be shown the bright side of life, and therefore waited for Hussie to click the blue link yet again. The blue link in question now led to a page where the plot was once again ready to proceed, going back to Sburb.

"Everything is in order now."

"CAN WE NOT. I SWEAR THAT YOuR PERSPECTIVE IS EVEN MORE ANNOYING THAN POOPLORD'S."

"will you cut it with your pooplord nickname?" Even though John had moved in on the 10th, the fact was that he met Caliborn and Hussie on the 13th, and the first impression stuck with him. And unfortunately, that first impression was the Zoosmell Pooplord nickname.

"NO."

"I will make you." Hussie threatened.

"YOu CAN'T."

"What if I begin writing a story about your current experience? After all, you are my character and I am within my rights."

"I BET IT WON'T DO ANYTHING." Caliborn felt fairly in control of his own actions, and the man sitting next to him definitely couldn't take it away right now.

"Then we'll have to read more of Homestuck. That's the only surefire way to torture you." Unfortunately, what Caliborn had to react to was definitely not in control. He waited for a bit for this to sink in and then said:

"FuuuuuuuuuuuCK."

STAGE 6 ==> 251

Chapter 6.10. Macintosh

"Rose: Access laboratory WiFi network."

As the new page was loaded, it seemed to feature a computer. The interface, though, was completely unlike what Caliborn, living in a sad Microsoft Windows world, had ever seen. He couldn't even begin guessing where the Start menu was (there wasn't any), and while the movement of the windows was similar, none of them had familiar content. He had no choice but to exclaim: "HEY. EXPLAIN WHAT THE FuCK IS GOING ON WITH YOuR COMPuTER."

"It's a Mac. Well, it's as close to a Mac as a Homestuck computer is going to be." Hussie, of course, avoided direct branding, but since this wasn't going to be a part of Homestuck, he might as well mention what the refrance [sic].

"THE FuCK IS A MAC."

"apple macintosh? does that ring any bells?" John had already known how Caliborn didn't seem to know anything about the human culture, and this attempt to introduce him to the concept was rather futile.

"NO." Caliborn didn't realize what was going on, but what he heard suddenly began to stick in his mind. "BuT IT SEEMS LIKE A PERFECTLY GOOD NAME TO SWITCH TO CALLING YOu. IF YOu'RE SO DISAPPOINTED WITH "ZOOSMELL POOPLORD". WHAT DO YOu SAY, MACINTOSH?"

"i didn't approve of that." John didn't expect the conversation to take this direction. He sighed deeply and thought that he was to make sure that this was the last time when he met Caliborn. There was no way he was going to listen to this bumbling idiot for the rest of his days in Massachusetts.

"WELL TOO BAD. BECAuSE YOu'RE APPLE MACINTOSH NOW."

"Do you have some sort of premonition?" Foreshadowing was a big part of Homestuck, but Hussie couldn't begin thinking how it could apply to real life.

"WHAT?"

"You'll see." Hussie clicked, and thus the action once again, for the last time, returned to John's household, where a crazy Internet conversation between him and Rose was taking place. In fact, all that could be perceived, assuming this comic had more sound than just the flashes, was "bang bang bang."

"well, bang bang bang to your keyboard. this is your process of writing homestuck all the time?" John couldn't see how the entire pesterlog could be written in 10 seconds, but since Homestuck was this huge thing that was revealed to him, perhaps Hussie could manage typing that fast.

"Precisely."

252 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "HOW MANY KEYBOARDS HAVE YOU GONE THROUGH?" John's father wondered, remembering that video in which a German kid was smashing a keyboard, even if he wasn't trying to type anything and was just venting his frustration. "IF YOU WERE MY KID, I WOULD PROBABLY BUY EXTRA KEYBOARDS JUST FOR YOU."

"You don't want to know." Hussie shrugged and clicked again. This time, the Sburb interface was apparent, and the supply of Build Grist initially granted by the game had finally decreased from the initial twenty to an astounding zero.

"NO BuILD GRIST. THAT MEANS THE GAME IS OVER, RIGHT?" Caliborn had only a slight idea of how video games worked, but he did know that if you lose all your points, the game is over.

"Those aren't health points that you lose and immediately die." Hussie was glad to explain games that no one had ever played. "They're used to build stuff. Kind of like... I don't know, have you got any idea of a game where you have building blocks on a scale?"

"hmm... minecraft is primarily about building, i think? that reminds me, i should really go play it." John took a shot in the dark, and then wondered if someone could actually set up a Minecraft server for the four to play happily ever after.

"And Sburb is about building. Worldbuilding, in particular. Awesome how the two games relate." Hussie, though, also wanted to check Minecraft. Had he known of John's plan, he would immediately have thought of how to wreck the tight-knit friendship, but that wasn't his main goal; his main goal was actually to finally relax after the tiring experience that was writing Homestuck.

"yeah. the problem is, i don't want to play either of them."

"But you said you were going to." Hussie immediately pointed out the contradiction.

"well... it's a friend circle thing. there's no way i'm introducing dave to the ghost busters game..."

"You actually tried?" Hussie laughed. He couldn't control his laugh, no matter how much Rose reminded him to get back on topic, and therefore she had to get to the laptop and click herself. Once the page changed, Hussie immediately began paying attention, and looked at the page where the household appliances were finally placed where they belong.

"The perfect order is being restored."

"Well, assuming how the comic's plot doesn't resolve, well, pretty much forever..." Hussie had accidentally chosen the wrong word. On paper, or even on a computer screen, this error would have been immediately fixed, but as this was "the spoken environment" (whatever the hell that meant), he knew that he was going to discuss the mistake.

"Forever? Does that mean Homestuck is infinite?" Rose wondered.

"I meant for most of its lifespan. Don't you know not to take the word "forever" literally?"

STAGE 6 ==> 253

"yeah, after that chocolate factory thing." John immediately thought about watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. He knew, though, that there was no way that the movie was going to become relevant to his current experience, and therefore waited until some of the last pages were shown. Chapter 6.11. Privilege

"John: Take totem to alchemiter." John wanted to read Homestuck, but kept being distracted by the seizure ball that is apparently named "the kernelsprite". "can someone put that thing away?" he said, not expecting this to do anything in the comic, but also not expecting what he just said to backfire against him.

"ON THE OTHER HAND, IT IS MAKING A GOOD GUARDIAN FOR YOU." Contrary to what people expected, these were not actually words of wisdom. After all, John's father was a bit of a prankster. Like father, like son, everyone figured.

"YuP, MACINTOSH. ACCEPT THE FACT THAT YOu NEED THREE PEOPLE LOOKING AFTER YOu." Caliborn was definitely taking this as an opportunity to come out one step ahead of John.

"three?"

"MY BAD. I MEANT FOuR." Only now, Caliborn had taken time to count the people in his head. "YOuR HuMAN FATHER. THIS FLASHY KERNEL THING. THE HuSSIE HuMAN. AND ME."

"You can't even raise yourself worth shit, let alone other people." Hussie retorted.

"SuRE I CAN. LOOK, I CAME OuT JuST FINE."

"You came out as a huge asshole."

"that." John felt that Hussie had truly gotten the point there.

"YOu MEAN BEING AN ASSHOLE ISN'T AWESOME." Caliborn didn't understand human values, but if you were to ask him, why would anyone want them? Humans are forever doomed to stay on their planet and that is the end of them.

"no?"

"I WANT NO INPuT FROM YOu. IN FACT. EVEN HOMOSuCK IS BETTER THAN YOu." Caliborn thus looked at the cursor moving onto the blue link for the two hundred forty-third time now, and looked as the page changed once again, now showing blocks being deleted by Sburb, except they weren't really being deleted. Even a hardcore Homestuck fan would have had trouble wrapping their head around it, so this definitely surprised the people currently in Hussie's home.

"And this is precisely one time when this game mechanic became relevant." Hussie laughed. Now that he looked back, this seemed like the perfect thing to bring back near the very end of Homestuck, as the ultimate "Brick Joke"/"Ass Pull". It was too late, though, and no one cared about

254 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One what TV Tropes would have said about Homestuck. Many fans of Homestuck hadn't even heard of the website, after all.

"SEE? YOu'RE NOT THE AMAZING WRITER THAT YOu PuRPORT TO BE. IN FACT. THAT WAS A PRETTY MEDIOCRE TWIST AND ALL." Caliborn wanted to desperately bring Homestuck down to his grave, assuming cherubs have graves. They, of course, don't, but the human phrasing was still there.

"Am still." Hussie was willing to defend his input to the literary world at all costs.

"Let's not judge works of literature based on how well-written they are. The point is to enjoy the experience, rather than put it on a universal scale of criticism." Rose was not one to care what reviews a book got, so long as she enjoyed it. In fact, she even got to agree that her look towards literature was similar to John's look towards movies.

"I FAIL TO ENJOY IT. THEREFORE, HOMOSuCK IS STILL A PIECE OF SHIT."

"And besides, the whole point is to be remembered a century later." Hussie, though, was always one to look far into the future and hope that his name is remembered.

"and we can't judge anything, because it isn't next century yet." John concluded the argument.

"Let's make it a tiny bit closer to next century, then." Hussie was about to click, but was interrupted by Rose: "Then again, you can't really modify flow of time..."

"...Yeah, you can only change the perception. I get it. Anyway. Next." Hussie quickly shut Rose up and clicked the page, now showing how a tree appeared on the Alchemiter, made an apple and disappeared, leaving the apple in Comic John's hands.

Only now, Caliborn realized what Hussie meant by the foreshadowing. It was obvious. Throwing an apple. Apple Macintosh. "OH. THAT THING THROWS AN APPLE. WELL, LOOKS LIKE THE NEW NICKNAME IS ALREADY BECOMING A THING."

"it will never be a thing. not even in your dreams."

"HEY FuCKER. CHERuBS DON'T DREAM. WATCH YOuR HuMAN PRIVILEGE." Caliborn hoped that at least his status as an alien would make him superior.

"They do. Everyone knows that you're lying. Sentient species need a break from reality, like, all the time. That includes humans, trolls and cherubs. Er... I'd rather not use the plural."

"EVERY WORD NEEDS A PLuRAL AND YOu KNOW IT." Since he had chosen the English language to be part of his name, Caliborn knew that the rules of grammar were to be upheld.

"ONE FISH. MANY FISH." Dad, though, pointed out that English is known for its inconsistencies like no other language is.

STAGE 6 ==> 255

"You know what I mean. My characters are there to tell me about it."

"AND YOuR CHARACTERS ARE THERE TO ARGuE ABOuT IT." Caliborn, of course, knew that the Homestuck characters were a diverse cast, and not everyone would agree with Hussie on every subject.

"Fuck it. Next." Hussie, once again, clicked the link and then patiently waited for the Flash page to load.

The final moments of the act were, in fact, mere minutes away. Hussie bet that someone actually calculated the minutes and posted that on the Internet. Was it the "read MSPA" guy?

It was definitely the "read MSPA" guy. He somehow had more data on Homestuck than Hussie himself, and that was a paradox of unthinkable proportions. Chapter 6.12. Senpai

"John: Take bite of apple." Rose only had several seconds to read the title before the animation began, suddenly making everyone immensely interested in it, as all animations up to this point were.

The animation thus started and showed the seconds before the impending doom, upon which Comic John was considering all the possibilities surrounded by the fate. Everything was shown in brief flashes (no pun intended): the oncoming meteor, Dad and various elements of popculture that were soon to be made irrelevant by the actual end of the world and its encompassing mythology, only to be understood by Hussie and those around him.

However, this was none of Real John's concern. He only saw the timer, seconds ticking to the doom in question, and even felt like asking, during the animation of all times: "what is taking so..."

"Shh." Hussie silently said, just to get the attention back to the animation. Thankfully, it neared the end as John appeared to take a bite of the apple as commanded, before everything disappeared in a flash, only to be replaced with what looked like a nuclear explosion, even though no nuclear bombs were in the vicinity. Indeed, one could only speculatively imagine the meteor impact, and this was only a way for readers of Homestuck to understand the phenomenon.

And it seemed that the illusion worked. Caliborn, at least, was in on the whole animation and could parse the crude drawings as the sealed fate of Comic John. "HA. HA. THE POOPLORD IS DEAD." he said, having finally realized his dream.

"He is not." Hussie quickly responded, though. "What kind of story would get rid of the main character so quickly?" This was a concern of storytelling, rather than what would have realistically happened in this scenario.

"THAT IS WHY HOMOSuCK IS AN ACTuAL PIECE OF SHIT." Knowing that this would just be another pointless argument, Caliborn waited for Hussie to click, revealing the closing curtains which meant only one thing: Act 1 was over, and with it, the whole torture that he had to live through for the day.

256 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "END OF ACT 1. THAT MEANS I'M LEAVING." he said, but didn't know that this page didn't actually mean everything, as per Hussie's plan.

"Just one more page." Surprisingly enough, Hussie actually made sure to reveal the plan very precisely. Though, the beginnings and ends of acts were actually one of the rare things in Homestuck which was made very clear, as opposed to the entire plot and characterization and... everything.

"uuuuuuuuuuGH. FINE. WHAT DO YOu HAVE IN STORE." Caliborn could only wait to see what happened further, as Hussie revealed the "Years in the future, but not many..." cutscene, which had appeared on its own separate page, disconnected from the rest of the MS Paint Adventures site.

"a post-apocalyptic wasteland? i suppose that's cool enough. does that mean we get to see the apocalypse unfold?" John smiled. This was going to be just like one of those movies that he liked.

"Precisely."

"that's it. i can say, with 100% confidence, that i like homestuck."

"Because if there is a sociological resource that you have an overabundance of, it surely must be confidence." Rose proposed her theory. Not that theory meant anything in this context.

"THAT'S BuLLSHIT. I'M THE CONFIDENT ONE HERE. I SPENT A WHOLE BuNCH OF TIME CONFIDENTLY BuSTING ALL OF YOuR SHIT ABOuT HOMOSuCK." Caliborn, though, was willing to propose the cherub way of thinking upon everyone else.

"You didn't bust anything. Homestuck still remains the way it is, with its own fandom that made you annoyed."

"NO, WHAT I MEAN IS. I THINK OF IT ONE WAY. AND I DON'T CARE IF EVERYONE ELSE THINKS OF IT THE OTHER WAY. BECAuSE YOU'RE ALL GOING TO DIE." Caliborn had realized that he hadn't thought of one thing: since he was the being that was to live for billions of years, only his thoughts would be relevant, as all humans were only mere blinks in the Sun's eye.

"I doubt that the Homestuck fandom is even that big. All my conservative estimates seem to put the fandom at less than a million people." Rose had thought about the situation on her own.

"But you do not realize how much a million people is." Hussie replied.

"FuCK IT. I'M NOT HAVING A PHILOSOPHICAL DISCuSSION HERE." Caliborn was, once again, irritated.

"i see nothing philosophical."

"Neither do I."

STAGE 6 ==> 257

"Well, since this argument is, like all of our arguments up to this point, not achieving something," Hussie had finally said in a methaphorical concession, "I suppose that's really it then. You can go now." After what seemed like forever having planted their asses in some makeshift chairs, Hussie, John, Rose, Caliborn and Dad finally stood up and walked over to the front door. Hussie then unlocked it, but then the group saw something unexpected.

At the door there was a Homestuck fan, who apparently was dressed like a Japanese schoolgirl. As the four were to exit, she immediately entered, hoping to get to know Hussie in more detail. Everyone else immediately left the scene, as they wanted to go to their human homes, leaving Hussie and the fan alone.

"No, I don't want you." Hussie thus began.

"Oh, come on, Hussie-senpai!"

"No. I will never be a Japanese senpai to anyone. Now out. I need some human sleep."

"Nope!"

"Out." With those words, the fan suddenly got sad and left the house. She could never live down being personally insulted by the Big Man himself. Chapter 6.13. Summaries

"home sweet home. i thought i'd never see it again, what with it being..."

"DON'T MENTION IT."

John and Dad had finally stepped through the doors of the building that they now called home. Both of them still had trouble getting accustomed to the notion that this was their new home, but luckily, their only other family member was there to help it. "I've been so worried about you! You've been out for the whole day!"

John was a bit surprised to see Nanna, since he had thought that she was dead, most likely due to the webcomic. However, he caught himself in the middle of thinking that, as if he was just waking up from a dream, and didn't say anything.

Dad, though, was one to remind everyone of the matter. "WELL, I THINK THAT WE SHOULD GO TO SLEEP."

"Just tell me where you were, and it's fine by me!" Nanna blurted out in a semi-confused fashion.

"uh..." John thought about how he was going to explain this to an old lady. "we were... reading a comic... and that's about all i can tell."

"IT'LL BE FINE. OUR WEBCOMIC AUTHOR IS A BRILLIANT MAN." For a moment, John thought that Dad was actually supporting him there. However, this was a grave mistake.

258 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One "Well, off you go then!" Nanna stood up from the couch in the living room and began making her bed, and thus John and Dad headed to their respective rooms.

Before they could be separated, though, Dad said one last thing. "I WAS ACTUALLY SERIOUS ABOUT THE GROUNDING. I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU MADE IT INTO THE COMIC, BUT I MUST INVESTIGATE IT MYSELF."

"gee, thanks, dad." John slapped himself over the head, not realizing how foolish he could be at times, and went to his room for a night's sleep.

Sometimes he wished that Hussie wouldn't have conceived of him, and instead would have remained with his Midnight Crew idea. Perhaps he would have even enjoyed Midnight Crew... even if he hadn't... AUGH.

"well if it isnt ma sweetest child rosie / how was the day w/ hursee / *horsee / *hussss....HIC"

"You're drunk. Then again, that fact didn't surprise anyone."

Similar to John, Rose was greeted with a familiar scene in an unfamiliar environment. This dissonance helped her resolve any conflict rationally, as there would be neither heartfelted exchange surrounding her relatives nor fear that comes with being where you shouldn't be.

And this might just have helped her actually get her mother out of drinking. Rose thought what she was going to say as her mother continued rambling: "well yahe / nothin drinkin cant help with thats a fatc / *fact / en fait im supriesd you havent tried it yey / *yet"

"Because... it is bad for your health. It is a scientifically proven fact. I wish that our family could find a workaround that would let it disregard science, but that is just a practical dream."

"well sience can just suckit / wizords an magic ftw" Rose didn't even listen to her mother's ramblings and went up to her bedroom, hoping that she would forget the encounters of yesterday and today.

The idea that she could be - no, was - a fictional character was still horrifying to her, and Rose did not sleep well at all that night. Trying to put her mind off, she got her laptop and put it on her bed, and thus she started writing, knowing that one day, she would get better at this kind of stuff:

"Night from April 14 to 15, 2017

As of this moment, I have already read the entire first "act" of Homestuck. The style hasn't changed considerably from the first few pages, and given that there are only seven of these acts, I don't expect any more sharp U-turns that the plot or the art style could make..."

STAGE 6 ==> 259

"WELL WELL WELL. IF IT ISN'T THE MOST HORRIBLE SISTER THAT A CHERuB COuLD HAVE."

"oh, shUt Up for once!"

"NEVER."

From the moment he stepped into his home - he thanked whatever he believed that it was only a street that had to be crossed - Caliborn knew that this was going to be another argument with his sister. Of course, this time was different, since they both had their eyes opened and exposed to the greater reality that was there, similar to the proverbial cave prisoners who had only seen shadows beforehand, and now were trying to consume all of the light that there was.

Unfortunately, here their personalities reared their ugly head, and conflict immediately arose. While Caliborn was beginning to enjoy the experience of reading Homestuck - even if he didn't enjoy the webcomic itself - Calliope wanted to keep as much distance from it as possible. They simply needed time away from each other, but this wasn't going to be reality in the foreseeable future. Unless Hussie could provide some sort of custody for his fictional characters...

"SO. YEAH. WE MIGHT BE SEPARATED. AGAIN. BuT THIS TIME LITERALLY."

"for the better. now could yoU please shUt Up? i'm trying to sleep here!"

"WELL, I'M NOT. SO YOu'LL HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT. NANANANANA."

"someday yoU'll have to realize that yoU're the only one talking!"

"NO I'M NOT. YOu ARE ALSO uP."

"when fall i asleep?"

"HOW ARE YOu GOING TO DO THAT. WITH MY PRESENCE."

"Ugh..."

"SEE. THAT IS WHY YOuR LOGIC IS FLAWED. AND YOu NEED TO LEAVE THE HOMOSuCK EXPERIENCE TO THE EXPERTS. GET IT. EXPERIENCE? EXPERTS? I AM SO FuNNY. THAT HuSSIE SIMPLY FELT THE GRATITuDE. TO DEPICT ME ON HIS WEB COMIC. EVEN THOuGH THE CONCEPT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. AND EVERYTHING DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. BuT I AM HERE. I AM THERE. AND IT'S AWESOME."

The following days were going to be rough to Calliope, and that was all there was to be said, she thought as she buried her head in a pillow, hoping not to hear any more of Caliborn's rants into nowhere.

260 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One Chapter 6.14. Crockertier

Hours in the future, but not many...

It was no use.

Her Imperious Condescension had grown sick of everything that she had learned this day, and as the night rose and April 15, 2017 was set in full motion everywhere in the world, she felt even more confused than ever. She had gone to the shore of the island, dipped her hand of her bracelet-covered arm into the water and put it onto the forehead, but it still seemed to do nothing to her thinkpan, especially since it was burning with the powers of countless trolls.

Letting out the deepest sigh, she decided to just submerge herself into the ocean in her entirety. After all, she was a seadweller and could allow herself that. Taking a few breaths of the oxygen that was dissolved in the water of the Pacific Ocean, she could now think much more clearly.

These were the facts that she had gathered:

1) Andrew Hussie was the manifestation of the cancer. For that, the Condesce felt slightly irritated. Did Karkat really need to rush the whole ectobiology process? By now, they could already be greater than any god that other species worshipped, and it was all his fault.

2) Likely, his web... Home... that thing had also played its own role. For shits and giggles, the Condesce, knowing how Karkat had found Hivebent by entering his name into Google, followed suit. She was immediately caught in visages of herself, and felt relieved for a while; however, knowing that ogling herself will do no good, she shut off the Internet browser and continued thinking.

3) Feferi, as always, was a reluctant subservant of hers. While the troll race's fate wasn't at stake, the Condesce knew that "culling" Feferi wouldn't have been that big a challenge, and she could continue her reign. Unfortunately, as the only trolls besides her that survived the cataclysm were the twelve Sgrub players, the Condesce was pretty much at an impasse. It was her or nothing.

4) She, herself, was a subservant of Lord English, as part of the deal. She could also sense that, in some convoluted way, her master was in fact related to the green skull kid that had taken on the web thing together with Hussie. Wary to think of the implications, the former troll empress moved on.

5) Speaking of the read project organized by Hussie, the Condesce knew that it would have been for the best to not intervene in it. It would have caused too much paranoia, as Hussie had already let on her identity and power over the human race, and with her direct presence, everyone would have been scared away and wouldn't continue to read. It was just too much fun seeing these guys struggle to realize that they were, in fact, fictional characters. And besides, she knew that she was destined to, in some way.

STAGE 6 ==> 261

At this point, the Condesce felt like her mind was refreshed enough, and stepped out of the water again. Now being able to think more clearly, she thought of any puzzle pieces that could be missing, if there were any.

After enough focusing, though, she finally came to a conclusion: Andrew Hussie wasn't the only manifestation of the cancer.

Surely, Andrew had personally mutilated the metaphorical and literal reproductive organs of the Bilious Slick, the so-called "B universe". Yet, he didn't function like a literal cancer; rather, if you disregarded the fact that he wrote that web... y'know, he was a pretty normal person. No, there was another human being that was a much more literal manifestation of cancer, producing imperfect copies of itself for no other reason than to clutter the universe and make it unfathomable.

It showed in his work. Each moment of that thing, each melody deeply sung by the website, had been swallowed whole, regurgitated and reproduced, each time producing imperfections. These had already grown and mutated so that the originals could no longer be recognized, and yet the process continued. If anything, this was what needed to stop to begin with, and only then the whole "holding Hussie at gunpoint and asking him to produce Sgrub 2.0" thing could proceed.

But how to get a hold of him...

The Condesce's mind then drifted to a prop that was produced by Betty Crocker, but at the time had quietly remained in the factory. From an outsider's perspective, it was an unassuming tiara, much like the one Feferi and the Condesce herself had liked to wear, except red, to better fit within the Betty Crocker marketing scheme (even though the thing was never going to be sold). Unbeknownst to the ordinary human being, though, within its integral circuits there was a highly malevolent entity hidden inside, one that could, if it was triggered, consume the tiara's wearer whole and make them a simple vessel for an artificial intelligence that, even though on the outside it appeared sentient, was actually directly connected to the Condesce's thought channels and could practically be considered her second body.

And she knew exactly how easy it would be to get a hold of the other manifestation. She only had to call the omnipoterrier and First Guardian of the Earth, Becquerel (that, even though Jade and Grandpa had moved away, remained on the island), and with a single motion of the powers of the Green Sun, the tiara in question would be directly transported onto the intended wearer's head.

Smiling, the Condesce thus began the process. It's on, bitches.

Her target, unsuspecting that he could even be a target of such sorts, was walking around a mall in an European country in the afternoon, as a consequence of time zones. This mall had particularly resonated with his heart, as it was the setting of a couple of his stories. He recounted each moment of them in vivid detail, but then realized that this wasn't what he was supposed to be writing.

Instead, it was a pretty much uncountable part of his latest magnum opus that was unlikely to be bested anytime soon. He pulled out his tablet PC from his handbag and motioned for the "on" button, meaning to turn on whatever he was using to write the story.

262 Calliope's Update Girl – Book One At this point, though, the plan had been set in motion, and now the tiara was indeed on the young adult man's head. In shock from the thoughts that had newly arisen to him, he dropped the tablet PC. It didn't matter to him anymore; with the intelligence that newly flowed into him, he had already surpassed the need for such a low-tech device.

Within seconds, his black suit had begun changing color to bright red - the symbol of mutant bloods on Alternia, the symbol of the blood of all the humans on the Earth, and most importantly, the symbol of Betty Crocker.

In another flash of light, in front of the foreigner witnesses that had already noticed the suspicious activity, he disappeared. He, his handbag and his tablet PC were instead taken to Jade's home, now devoid of anything that would have made this place home to her, but nevertheless with an intact bed. After all, this would be what he needed; just a bare minimum of his vital functions sustained.

And thus, with another flash, the Condesce appeared where the man now stood, unaware and not willing to be aware of his new surroundings. She thus declared, as mystically as possible, so that only she and the man could understand:

"Now everything can proceed."

Author's idiotisms: I only wrote that chapter so I could thoroughly insult myself in the future, didn't I? END OF STAGE 6

STAGE 6 ==> 263