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/ i f n g D u 1 8 4 2 • 1 9 * 2 - 0 - SESQUlCiNlf NNIAt S a in tM a rv ls C olleg e The Observer NOTRE DAME ♦ INDI ANA VO L XXIV NO. 122 WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 1992 THE INDEPENDENT NEWSPAPER SERVING NOTRE DAME AND SAINT MARY'S Twins promote pro-life; discuss evils of abortion By BEVIN KOVALIK Janice said. News Writer Janice added that abortion clinics don’t help a pregnant woman make a decision, they The beauty of womanhood is simply sell abortions in order to not killing our babies, but pro­ make money. “Abortion clinics ducing life from within our­ generate $500 million mainly in selves, according to Janice and cash per year,” she said. Joyce Keen, renowned pro-life These doctors only care about activist/feminist twins. making money, Joyce said. For The twins opened their lec­ example, she said, if our ture yesterday titled, “Abortion mother had walked into a and Truth: A Catholic Woman’s Planned Parenthood clinic Perspective,” with a “Hail when she was pregnant with Mary ” in memory of all the ba­ us, they would probably have bies aborted that day and for counseled her to have an the mothers who will need abortion even though she spiritual healing. already had eight kids. “It is legal for any woman to In an effort to promote pro­ have an abortion for any reason life as undergraduates at during any time of her Stanford University, the twins pregnancy,” said Joyce Keen. were arrested for trying to “We re not just talking about physically block the entrance to abortion, but infanticide, too.” an abortion clinic. “The pur­ During their lecture, the pose is not to get arrested,” Keens showed two films depict­ Joyce said, “but to save a life.” ing the horror of abortion. At abortion clinics in Chicago, According to the Keens, the the twins perform sidewalk evils of abortion cannot be con­ counseling where they attempt veyed through lectures alone, to talk girls out of having an but must be shown to people in abortion. “Once the girls have films so they can have a vivid aborted their baby and are out picture of what really happens. the door, the clinic doesn’t care “If it is so unpleasant to look at, what happens because they then why do we tolerate have their money,” said Joyce. abortion?” Joyce asked. It’s sad that teens can get an The two films shown at the abortion without parental con­ The Observer/ E.G. Bailey lecture displayed an actual sent, Joyce continued, but if Pro-life activists and twin sisters Joyce and Janice Keen, left to right, speak about abortion in a lecture abortion and the remains of the something bad happens during last night. The lecture presentation included two films that show an actual abortion. The two women aborted fetus. “It’s difficult for the procedure and she goes to have been actively involved in protesting against abortion since their college days. me to watch the film even after the hospital, the doctors cannot I’ve seen it over a 100 times, ” se e Abortion / page 4 ND explores GSU presidential candidates debate in forum Columbus’ By RANCHO LOZANO forum was of great benefit,” childcare facility on Notre we re not treated as employ­ News Writer said Tony Hazbun, the elections Dame’s campus such as the ees,” Kelly said. “If we were, commissioner for the GSU. Early Childhood Development the university could cover a voyages “Both candidates gave great Center at Saint Mary’s and we good portion of the premium, Childcare, health insurance answers and ideas to all the currently have a tentative office thus resulting in better cover­ Special to The Observer and split stipends were some of questions.” space.” age.” the main issues debated last The first issue most vigorously Kelly said how he is “willing David Carrier added how night in an election forum held debated was the issue of child­ to give up” his entire salary there is a need for graduate The University of Notre Dame by the Graduate Student Union care. Presidential candidate “for funding” as well as other students to “re-educate the will host a conference today (GSU). Michael Kelly stated in his needs. “We need problem Administration” in order to be through Saturday on the per­ The two tickets running were opening address how “the lack solvers as well as problem find­ covered as employees. spectives on Columbus’ voyages current GSU president Kurt of children’s day care has been ers,” Kelly said. Responding to one of the to the Americas. Mills and David McKinlay, and a very sore spot for most of the During the forum, many peo­ questions, Mills said that the “The Old World Meets the their opponents, Michael Kelly young families who have chosen ple in the audience raised ques­ insurance offered by the New: 1492-1992” will include and David Carrier, both running to pursue a graduate degree at tions regarding the issue of University is’the cheapest in­ presentations from leading for the offices of president and ND.” heath insurance. surance anywhere, but we’ve scholars in the field, as well as vice president, respectively. In Mills rebuttal, he “The university’s attitude see GSU / page 4 exhibits at the Snite Museum of “There is no doubt that this said,’We re hoping to place a toward grad students is that Art and the Hesburgh Library. In an effort to explore the subject in a multicultural con­ Students protest parietals; text, the conference will focus SMC student raped on more than just Columbus. By MONICA YANT ported to Saint Mary’s Security. Presentations in the Paul and The choice to report the inci­ argue for adult respect Editor-in-Chief Barbara Henkels Lecture d ent is the victim’s, according dents’ interests,” said Biese, Series will examine the French An 18 year-old Saint Mary’s to Chlebek, and police may or and American Indian adding that “a lot of us feel that may not forward the informa­ By SARAH DORAN student was raped sometime pareitals interfere with us as encounter; the Italian, Spanish News Writer Friday according to South Bend tion to the college. ad u lts.” But Chlebek said that when a and French Renaissance Police, but the victim refused to Biese said that the demon­ responses to the Old World give any information about the rape victim seeks medical Last night more than fifty ND stration was in response to meeting the new; and the time or location of the attack. treatment, the hospital auto­ students gathered on the steps Jeanne Blasi’s inside column ti­ Central and South American The victim was treated matically contacts the Saint of the Administration building tled, “From the Playpen,” which perspectives. Saturday at St. Joseph’s Mary’s office of Residence Life. to protest the current definition appeared in The Observer’s The conference will begin by Medical Center. Investigators The office of Residence Life focusing on the local context of parietals. March 4 edition. The column have no additional information. does not release information “Our point is not to abolish was a make believe news story for the New World encounter Saint Mary’s officials said involving students to Public with a presentation by Indiana pareitals but to have the admin­ reporting a parietals revolt in Information unless the report is they did not learn of the inci­ U niversity p ro fe sso r R. David istration talk to the students front of the Administration dent until Tuesday evening. “I filtered through Security or an and establish an alternative to building. Edmunds on “The Continuing know nothing of it,” said investigation is being con­ French Connection: Catholic pareitals,” said Cavanaugh Hall Surprised by the response, Richard Chlebek, director of ducted, according to freshman Kevin Biese, who was Blasi said, “I wish I had known Priests Among the Potawatomi Security. “We in Security were McLaughlin. People of Northern Indiana.” leading the crowd of students. about it. I felt an obligation to not informed fof the rape).” Mary Kelleher, director of “We feel that as students of Gregory Dowd, assistant pro­ be th e re .” “This is my first knowledge of Residence Life, was unavailable Notre Dame, we have the right fessor of history at ND, will of­ Flyers had been passed out to it," said Brett McLaughlin, for comment. to have du Lac reflect the views every dorm on campus an­ fer remarks in response to public information officer. Chlebek said he will investi­ of the student body, and that nouncing the protest, Biese Edm unds. Rape of other incidents that gate the report and determine currently, du Lac does not re­ said. Flyers and petitions to be if it merits issuing a “Crime occur outside the Saint Mary’s see COLUMBUS / page 6 flect the majority of the stu­ see PARIETALS / page 6 campus are not always re­ Alert" bulletin to the campus. page 2 The Observer April 1, 1992

INSIDE COLUMN WEATHER REPORT FORECAST: Lines separate high temperature zones for the day. Questions for Cloudy,breezy and unseasonably cold with a 40 percent chance of sn o w . April fools to Temperatures falling into the ponder upper 20’s. TEMPERATURES: On this most glorious day of all days, April City H L A nchorage 35 24 Fool’s Day, let me pose a Athens 70 50 plethora of questions to Bogota 68 50 Boston 43 40 challenge the minds of the Cairo 68 52 eager, bright and Chicago 51 31 C leveland 55 29 intelligent Notre Dame Dallas 67 43 community . D enver 50 34 • If a tree falls in the H avana 86 69 SEAN FARNAN Indianapolis 56 28 middle of the forest and Jerusalem 61 Accent Photo 50 there is no one there to London 48 53 Editor Madrid 54 36 hear it, does it make a Minneapolis 40 30 sound? Moscow 46 36 Nashville 60 52 •How do the big M’s ever get painted on the New York 59 40 m iddle of a M&M? Paris 50 43 Philadelphia 59 42 •How can the University continue to ra­ Rome 59 48 tionalize that Notre Dame should be a Pressure San Francisco 69 51 National Catholic Research University? It South Bend 55 29 H L E 3 E 3 m E2J 2 3 Tokyo 66 52 seems to me that Notre Dame brought itself to HIGH LOW SHOWERS RAIN T-STORMS FLURRIES SNOW ICE SUNNY PT. CLOUDY CLOUDY Washington, D C. 60 45 where it is with a quality undergraduate program. In the immortal words of some engineer, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” •If 66 percent of those surveyed said that they would go to a Barry Manilow concert on campus, would SUB bring him in? •Why is shepherd’s pie called shepherd’s TODAY AT A GLANCE pie? And, on that note, what ingredients are really in that culinary masterpiece of the Notre Dame Dining Halls? WORLD NATIONAL •Why is it that for all intents and purposes the members of the opposite sex cease to exist Iraqi Kurds Fear Baghdad Plot______People Protesting Pig Plan on campus after midnight? Is this real life? ■ANKARA, Turkey — Iraq is shelling Kurdish villages, IKEY WEST, Fla.— A plan to burn 74 pigs this week to From my post-midnight jaunts off-campus to cutting the roads and wheeling tanks into place for a test a federal animal quarantine center has been the Azar’s and Denny’s of this world, I am led possible new offensive in defiance of Gulf War cease-fire postponed after protests by animal welfare groups.The to believe that contrary to my on-campus terms, U.N. officials and Kurdish leaders said Tuesday. U.S. Agriculture Department wanted to test its experiences, the opposite sex does exist after They said Saddam Hussein is tightening the economic incinerator to make sure it met new state emissions the toll of midnight. blockade on Kurdish civilians and trying to disrupt April standards. The hogs were to have been killed, then fed to •When I get my poetic license, will I be able 30 elections for an assembly controlled by the 3.5 million the flames. The 300-pound pigs were purchased this to use it as ID to get into Coach’s and The Kurds in northern Iraq. Some Kurds fear the Baghdad month at the Ocala Livestock Market for $7,740. They’ve Com m on’s? government is preparing a full-scale offensive tobeen kept at the Harry S. Truman Animal Import Center, •When HPC decides to use our money for recapture territories it lost during the Kurdish uprising just off Key West on Navy-owned Fleming Key, which is dinner, do they prefer Olive Garden cuisine or that followed the end of the Gulf War 13 months ago. connected to Key West by a bridge. M aori’s? •In an effort to continue the administra­ Officer Convicted of Massacre______tion’s cultural diversity, will campus squirrels ■LIMA, Peru — An army lieutenant convicted of killing CAMPUS soon be admitted to the University to even up at least 30 peasants in 1985 drew a six-year prison term, the ratio of males-to-females-to-squirrels? in what officials said Tuesday was the first conviction of a Ridgley’s court date postponed______•How is the tuition increase being spent? It Peruvian officer for human rights violations.A military■ N(3TFTE DAME, In. —ND student Troy Ridgley’s is certainly not being used to make class size spokesman said Lt. Telmo Hurtado was convicted and appearance for a deposition trial scheduled for last smaller. The student services that we receive sentenced by a military tribunal in February, but he re­ Tuesday was postponed two weeks until April 7 at 8 p.m. here do not come even remotely close to mains' free until a higher military court approves his sen- Ridgley, a former defensive lineman for the Notre Dame those of other Indiana universities and tence.An army anti-subversive patrol under Hurtado’s football team, was to appear in court on charges of colleges. Is it possible that our tuition command attacked the peasant community of public intoxication and resisting arrest, according to St. money is being used to ensure that our chil­ Accomarca, in Ayacucho department 240 miles southeast Joseph County prosecutor’s office. The charges stem from dren’s children can have an affordable’ Notre of Lima, on Aug. 14, 1985. Reports at the time said 69 a January 22 incident at Stude’s Lounge, at 2206 Dame education? If you believe that, I have a peasants died. Hurtado was convicted of killing 30 Mishawaka Ave. in South Bend, in which Ridgley bridge for you in Brooklyn. people, including six children The rights activists apparently refused to leave the kitchen of the club and •Is there some South Bend environmental describe Peru’s security forces as among the worst rights resisted the arrest of four police officers, according to the law that everyone must wake up to the aroma abusers in the world South Bend Police Department. of ethanol? •If there is a hole on the God Quad that measures 12 feet by 12 feet by 10 feet, what is the dirt’s volume in the hole. (Answer: none, holes don’t have dirt.) •Why is that when things go up, they have OF INTEREST to fall down? For example, stones, grades and checking account balances. on Wednesday in the basement of Farley Hall. •Who is the DART voice? And, what role ■Sign-ups for BP’s Euchre Tournament, benefitting does he/she/it have in closing us, the tuition the Catholic Worker House, will continue today and NPre-MCAT breakfast at North Dining Hall will be open paying students, out of the classes we tomorrow in both dining halls. from 7 to 7:45 a.m. this Saturday for student test-takers. w ant/need? •Stupid questions? Well, in the infinitely ■Graduate students have the opportunity to attend an NFun N’ Learn Volunteers will be on a regular schedule wise words of my high school chemistry informational meeting about strategies for getting this week. Van will pick up at 8:45 a.m. at the library teacher, “The only silly questions are those Fulbright Graduate Fellowships, which provide funding circle and 8:50 a.m. at the main circle this Saturday. unasked .” for up to a year abroad, at 4 p.m. in the Notre Dame The views expressed in the Inside Column Room on the 2nd Floor of LaFortune. ■All Clubs, organizations, and dorms are invited to are those of author and not necessarily those enter boats in the 6th Annual Fisher Hall Regatta. See o f The Observer. ■All transfer students interested in holding a your club or hall president for information or call 283- commissioner position on the Transfer Orientation Committee must attend a mandatory meeting at 7:30 p.m. 1902. Today's Staff

News Production MARKET UPDATE ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY Julie Barrett Stephanie Goldman In 1789:The U.S. House of Representatives held its first Sarah Doran Lisa Bourdon YESTERDAY’S TRADING/ March 31 Sports Systems full meeting, in New York City. NYSE INDEX George Dohrmann Harry Zembillas VOLUME IN SHARES ■ In 1933: Nazi Germany began its persecution of Jew s with 182,224,785 223.25 1 0.26 Accent Viewpoint a boycott of Jewish-owned businesses. S&P COMPOSITE Mara Divis Rich Riley 403.69 0.69 ■ In 1939: The United States recognized the Franco Amy Hardgrove Jo e Moody DOW JONES INDUSTRIALS governm ent in Spain following the end of the Spanish civil Patrick Moran war. Graphics 3,235.47 A o.23 Beth Duane PRECIOUS METALS ■ In 1977: The U.S. Senate followed the example of the House by adopting a stringent code of ethics requiring full G O L D ^ $ 1.80 to $343.70/oz. The Observer (USPS 599 2-4000) is published Monday financial disclosure and limits on outside income. through Friday except during exam and vacation periods. The S IL V E R '# M to $4.143oz. Observer is a member of the Associated Press. All reproduction ■ In 1984: Recording star Marvin Gaye was shot to death by rights are reserved. his father, Marvin Gay Sr., in Los Angeles. Wednesday, April 1,1992 The Observer page 3 Moscow reports shortages Grazin says Yeltsin faces much opposition, MOSCOW (AP) — Milk and May or early June. sugar were unavailable The AP’s “Moscow especially from poor common workers Tuesday in a survey of the capi­ M arketbasket” survey of 15 The “Liberal Communist” ties, Yeltsin faces much opposi­ tal’s stores, and shops also consumer items in seven se­ By KENYA JOHNSON party lead by Gorbachev is the tion, Grazin said. However, were out of eggs, perhaps in lected stores found little change News Writer second most right-winged party Grazin predicts that Yeltsin will anticipation of Easter later this in prices. As in previous weeks, I in Russia, according to Grazin. face stronger opposition from m onth. availability of goods was the Not much has changed in the “They are ready to restore the common workers. Rumors swept the Moscow biggest factor. former Soviet Union in the past Russia to how it was two years region, meanwhile, that the The supply of milk seems to few months, and things could ago,” he said. “The people in Russia are price of gasoline was about to have dried up from the paltry be getting worse, according to Grazin explained that the finding themselves in a state of rise, causing long lines at filling amounts on sale recently. Igor Grazin of the Kellogg “Liberal Communists” have in­ poverty,” he said. “The indus­ stations, the ITAR-Tass news Sugar, which has been scarce Institute and Law School. dependence in mind, but know trial output in Russia decreases agency reported. Regional offi­ throughout the country for Grazin pointed out the signif­ that a complete turn around of approximately ten percent per cials denied the price would months, was again impossible icant difference between right Russian politics is not possible month and statistics show that rise shortly, although Russian to find. Store clerks were telling wing and left wing parties in and will most likely hurt, rather it (industrial output) is sixty President Boris Yeltsin has said shoppers Tuesday they have not the Soviet Union in part of his than benefit the country. percent of what it was two-and- it will be decontrolled in late seen sugar for weeks. lecture yesterday, titled “The The “Pro-Soviet Communist” one-half years ago,” Grazin Right Wing Opposition in party, consisting of former KGB explained. Russian Politics.” He said that and Soviet Union Army The Observer unlike in America and many members possesses power and “The people’s monthly salary other western countries, the left resources “stronger than many is not adequate enough,” Grazin wing parties in the Soviet Union are assuming,” Grazin said. said. “All of their money is announces the 1992 - 93 are composed of conservatives. This party would like to see being spent on food. Things President Yeltsin represents Russia start over and “reform like refrigerators, televisions St. Mary's Staff Office Hours the extreme of the right-winged back to the Russia that was ten and even clothes are considered parties, according to Grazin. years ago, the pre-Gorbachev luxuries. The only person they This position is a challenge for days,” Grazin added. have to blame is Yeltsin.” Yeltsin at this particular time, The Office is open Mondays and he added. The most conservative fac­ Grazin believes that either “It is unusual to be an ex­ tion in the current political Yeltsin should strengthen his Wednesdays 10 - 11 and 2:30 - 3:30, tremist and at the same time be spectrum is the Russian own independent power bases elected into office,” Grazin said. National Conservatives, who or make compromises to the “(Yeltsin’s) going to have to want to restore Russia to its left-wing demands. and Tuesday and Thursday 12-3 make some compromises or constitutional monarchy years, have more moderate ideas to according to Grazin. So far Yeltsin has taken steps in 309 Haggar College Center make it without a revolution.” to achieve the first suggestion, “In essence (they are in favor but “he needs to understand of) reform ing back to a R ussian that the struggling minds and Empire,” he said. souls of the ordinary people are MEET YOUR CONCENTRATION the real power base of Russia," With all these left-wing par­ Grazin said. MEETINGS FOR UNDERGRADUATES INTERESTED IN: TAKE DRUGS AND LOSE ALL HESBURGH PROGRAM IN PUBLIC SERVICE RM 204 O 'S H A G THURS. APRIL 2, 4:30 P.M. YOUR FRIENDS. PPE (PHILOSOPHY, POLITICS & ECONOMICS) RM 217 O 'S H A G THURS. APRIL 2, 6:30 P.M. WE'RE PUTTING DRUBS OUT Of BUSINESS. Partnership tor a Dru.i'-Frcc America PEACE STUDIES 103C HESBURGH CENTER MON. APRIL 6, 4:30 P.M.

FILM & CULTURAL STUDIES O'SHAG LOFT MON. APRIL 6, 5:15 P.M. Dear Darners! GENDER STUDIES RM 119 O 'S H A G This spot on my couch is reserved for you! MON. APRIL 6, 7:30 P.M.

Pre-Law Society News \

3/31 "What's Law School Like?" NMNNNN 7pm, Law School Basement If you guys need a date to a formal or SYR. An informal discussion and reception I’m the dude for you - and I've got a car!

I TUCK ••'".O il! • JAZZ • G O S H I. • Ml W M USIC • SI l< )W IUM ES • 3/31 Officer Candidate Sheets due in 104 O'Shag SOUMDI MACKS • CLASSICAL •MAP • INSPIMAriOMAI • CUMLDY • EXERCISE MUSIC • CHIIUHEN’S • BLUES • COUNI MY • PUP • EASY # IISIENIMG • CUMLDY • MLGC.AI" • IMPOR1S • RI.UEGHASS # HEAVY Ml: IAL • MOCK • SOUL • JAZZ • GOSH:I • NEW MUSIC • SHOW MINI S • 4/1 Interviews of Candidates. Candidates will be SOUNOIMACKS •CLASSICAL • HAP • INSPIMAIIONAL •COMEDY • EXERCISE MUSIC •CIIILUnnN'S • BLUES •COUNIMY • POI ► EASY LISIENING • COMEDY • REGGAE • IMPOMTS eMUJEGMAf HEAVY contacted by phone about interview times. ME IAL • HOCK • SOUL • JAZZ • G O S P E L ^M ^^^C JIIOW IUNES • SO U N D f HACKS CLASSICA L CO M EDY • EXERCISE MUSIC Cl I l)P • EASY IISIENIIIG • HE A V Y 4/10 Trip to University of Michigan Law School (with M E IA l IU N E S • SOUND! [M EDY • EXEH • EASY the Preprofessional Society). For information, HEAVY TUNES contact Michael Loftis (x3454), Beth Tluchowski ED Y • EASY (Preprofessional Society, x4877), or Ms. Frances LISTE iHEAVY UNES Shavers in the Alumni Association Office.. If )Y • EX [EASY LIST AVY interested, please respond to one of the three by MET, iNES • SO April 2. EXER LISTE META I • SO U 4/11,12 Moot Court Cases. If interested in being a juror for EXEMCI EASY LISTEN! JASS • HEAVY METAL • SHOW TUNES & 25,26 a case, call Brian Aleaxander at 277-9497. • SO UNI1 iTIONAL • COMEDY • EXERCIS UES • COUNTRY • POP • EASY LISTENIN GGAE • IMPORTS • BLUEGRASS • HEAVY METAL lOUL • JAZZ • GOSPEL • NEW MUSIC • SHOW TUNES 4/25 Mock LSAT. 8 am, Cushing Auditorium. Please • SOUNDTRACKS CLASSICAL • RAP • INSPIRATIONAL • COMEDY • EXERCISE MUSIC CHILDRENS • BLUES • COUNTRY • POP • EASY LISTENING • COMEDY • REGGAE • IMPORTS • BLUEGRASS • HEAVY sign up in 104 O'Shag by April 17 METAL • ROCK • SOUL • JAZZ • GOSPEL • NEW MUSIC • SHOW TUNES • SOUNDTRACKS • CLASSICAL • RAP • INSPIRATIONAL • COMEDY • EXERCISE MUSIC • CHILDREN’S • BLUES • COUNTRY • POP • EASY LISTENING • COMEDY • REGGAE* IMPORTS • BLUEGRASS • HEAVY METAL • ROCK • SOUL • JAZZ • GOSPEL* NEW MUSIC • SHOW TUNES • SOUNDTRACKS • CLASSICAL • RAP • INSPIRATIONAL • COMEDY • EXERCISE MUSIC •CHILDREN'S • BLUES • COUNTRY# POP • EASY LISTENING • COMEDY • REGGAE* IMPORTS • BLUEGRASS • HEAVY METAL • ROCK • SOUL • JAZZ • GOSPEL • NEW MUSIC • SHOW TUNES ■!SjM 1131A3KS_iGLA S SIC A L , nAp * INSPIRATIONAL • COMEDY • page 4 The Observer Wednesday, April 1, 1992 cil’s w eaknesses.” outright manipulation of statis­ have to wait for the council Kelly was also questioned tics. All they are doing is taking members to let us know what’s Abortion GSU about how he feels about the the largest line and going from going on,” Carrier said. “There students who don’t receive there,” said Mills. “It’s totally needs to be more activeness continued from page 1 continued from page 1 grants and what should they do dishonest.” and involvement by the stu­ perform surgery without the been working for a while to for additional funding. Kelly den ts.” parents approval. get our insurance subsidized by answered, “It’s not the GSU’s A number of questions were the University." responsibility to find students also directed to the candidates The Mills ticket supports the The twins are from a catholic From this point in the forum a stipends for additional funding.” over issues such as allocation ofdevelopment of forums and or­ family of 12 and they became heated debate ensued over the Mills supported Kelly’s posi­ funds, faster graduation time, ganizations within departments, involved in the pro-life move­ issue of stipends for GSU offi­ tion on this issue. women’s issues and students’ believing them to be beneficial ment during their junior year cers. Kelly was continually social environment. in increasing communication at Stanford University. The questioned by members of the According to Kelly’s platform, between the GSU council and catalyst for our involvement audience on his motives for they believe one of the most Both candidates agreed that the executive committee. “If was reading about how running. Kelly was accused by pertinent problems is that the there is a greater need for more departments were more abortion exploits women, the one member of the audience for Graduate Student Council offers student unity and involvement organized, it would be more twins said. running for office only after he too high of an administrative on pertinent issues. beneficial in all directions. The had found out that there was a overhead, 51 cents per dollar. more structure, the more “Denying our maternity will $4,000 stipend offered. “If we pay less and cut back on The key issue that both can­ organization,” said Mills. not advance womanhood in any salaries, such as the GSU office didates agreed upon was a way,” said Janice. “We, as Kelly denied the accusation, assistant, surely we’ll be able to greater need for communication Kelly agreed, “Perhaps with a women, are given the responsi­ saying that he ran because get the 51 cents down to a between the graduate de­ fresh outlook, we graduate bility to bear children from “grad students are unhappy” reasonable number." partments’ representatives and students can rebuild the pride God, and it’s a gift and a bless­ and that “the problems are just th e GSU council. “T he council that we should feel as special ing." symptoms of the current coun­ “The 51 percent is just an is too top heavy. We shouldn’t members of this community.”

Janice spent the summer of her junior year in college in a California jail for the cause of IS THERE LIFE AFTER ND??? pro-life, and she is presently a member of the Professional A RETREAT FOR Women’s Network, a group ad­ FOR RENT vocating women and human life. GRADUATING SENIORS

Joyce serves on the board of 5 BEDROOM HOUSE APRIL 25-25 directors of the Illinois Right to Life Com m ittee, and is also on the Americans United for Life, Amenities Include: This may be your last chance to a legal branch of the pro-life 2 Full Baths m ovement. ------make a Notre Dame Retreat! Aforestfire Washer/Dryer Limited Space Available. could hit you right Security System where you live. New Appliances Living near a forest m eans vvxi have to tie extra cautious about forest fires. IT resale your area by clearing brush around your home and planting fire retardant 1 Mile From N.D. vegetation. Use spark arrester screens on chim neys and Sign up by April 15 vents Install fire retardant material on tool and exposed understructure. And don't burn trash or leaves These simple precautions could save your home and more Applications are in the importantly, your life Remember, only you can prevent forest fires Newly Remodeled. Features Include: Campus Ministry Office All New Bathrooms 103 Hesburgh Library New Appliances New Carpet Completely Repainted for further information contact t i G M £ New Siding J u d y Hutchinson: 239-6515 5 WEE' h o m e 232-8256 A Public Service of the Ad Council, the l s i 1 p n Forest Service a n d \\>ur StateF o i w V i Pre-Law Society/Preprofessional Society Members V

Want to see the University of Michigan's Law School and WHAT IF YOU Medical School? DON'T GET If so, sign up for the upcoming trip to Ann Arbor. INTO THE A bus will leave early Friday, April 10, and return that night. SCHOOL OF For information, contact Michael Loftis (Pre-Law Society, x YOUR CHOICE? Sure, there are other 3454), Beth Tluchowski (Preprofessional Society, x4877), or schools But why settle? Kaplan prep courses help Ms. Frances Shavers in the Alumni Association Office. If students raise their scores and their chances of interested, please respond by April 2 to one of the three being admitted into their first choice schools. Fact is. no one has helped students score higher 1 The Official Class of 1992

iCIass ol 1992 c r ; r - _ ) "Once in a Lifetime" Stein it

White Ceramic with Blue and Gold Trim & Letters o r 1717 E. South Bend five. Blue Ceramic with ornate Gold Trim & Lettering South Bend, IN 46637 Order in North & South Dining Halls & in the Huddle (2 1 9 ) 2 7 2 - 4 1 3 5

Personalize Your Stein: With your name, School or a Message. Classes Forming Now. On Sale: March 26th thru April 3rd g STANLEY H. KAPLAN From 11:00am to 1:00pm I Take Kaplan O r Take Your Chances Personalizations Add $ 3 00 $ 15.00 Per Stein 4 Week Delivery Wednesday, April 1,1992 The Observer page 5 Panel will focus on affirmative action Forest dwellers arrested Special to The Observer director of the National • Annie Blackwell, division di­ for hindering logging efforts Consortium for Graduate rector of Policy, Planning and The University of Notre Degrees for Minorities in Program Development of the NEW YORK (AP) — More than calling for an end to exploita­ Dame’s Hesburgh Program in Engineering and Science, Inc., Office of Federal Contract 400 forest dwellers have been tion of the rain forests of the Public Service is hosting its Compliance Programs (OFCCP), arrested for blockading logging Malaysian state of Sarawak on third annual public policy col­ • Gary Hunter, director of the U.S. D epartm ent of Labor, trucks in a Malaysian tropical the island of Borneo. loquium today and Thursday at affirmative action and human rain forest which has the “The Penan Indians of the Galvin Life Sciences audito­ resource department at Miami • David Dow, manager of world’s highest rate of de­ Sarawak are waging a battle rium . University of Ohio, and human resources for the Real forestation, conservationists for their survival,” the The student-directed confer­ Estate and General Services di­ said Tuesday. Tennessee Democrat said in a ence will carry the general • Betty Vetter, executive di­ vision of Xerox, and Members of the Penan tribe letter to his Senate colleagues. theme of “Recovering the rector of the Commission on and related tribes, they haven’t “Their homes and their culture Dream” and will focus on af­ Professionals in Science and • Garrett Reilly, manager of been charged, but they have a re in grave jeop ard y as logging firmative action programs. Technology. compliance programs for been threatened with up to two companies rapaciously tear General Electric’s Corporate years in prison as the govern­ down the forest on which they Today’s session will begin at Thursday’s session will also Human Resources department. ment has strengthened its ef­ d epend.” 7:30 p.m. and will focus on af­ begin at 7:30 p.m. and will fo­ forts to end the blockades, said firmative action programs in cus on affirmative action pro­ Both sessions are free and Bruno Manser, a Swiss ethnog­ Wade Davis, a writer and education. The panelists for to­ grams in employment. The pan­ open to the public. For more rapher and activist who lived ethnobotanist who has spent day’s discussion will include: elists for this discussion will in­ information, contact David with the Penan from 1984 to time with the Penan, said the clude: Leege, director of the Hesburgh 1990. Penan have a unique » Howard Adams, executive Program, at 239-5016. On Thursday, Sen. Al Gore in­ knowledge of the Sarawak rain tends to introduce a resolution forest.

ALUMNI SENIOR Attention Transfer Students! If interested in a position on the Executive Committee '92-93 5CLUB Transfer Orientation urogram, please attend a mandatory meeting in the basement presents: of Farley Hall at 7:30pm Wed. April 3 TONIGHT! Applications will be distributed and interview dates will be the campus band: set. ACCESS DENIED S u m m e r on Wednesday, April 1st STORAGE GREAT SPECIALS! RESERVATION 683-1959 GREAT BAND! * APPROX 2 1/2 MILES NORTH US 31-33 GREAT FUN! Master Mini Warehouses “The Democratic Party and the Politics of Abortion” A Lecture by Governor Bob Casev Democrat, Pennsylvania Law School Court Room Thursday, April 2, 4 pm Center for Civil and Human Rights • White Center on Law and Government • Student Government • Student Union Board page 6 The Observer Wednesday, April 1, 1992 • “Images of America: From Institute for International Eastern Fable to Amerindian Studies at Notre Dame will Columbus History,” by Rolena Adorno of sponsor “Polemical Views About Princeton University. the Conquest ” and “Literary continued from page 1 Respondent: Jose Anadon, ND Criticism and Colonial Letters.” Other lectures, which will in­ professor of romance languages clude responses from ND fac­ and literatures. The conference will close with ulty members, include: In conjunction with the con­ a panel reflecting on the 500th • “How New is the New ference, the Snite Museum will anniversary of Columbus’ voy­ World: The Discoveries and the offer two exhibits —“Maps and ages. Issue of Innovation in the 16th the Columbian Encounter, ” and Century,” by Yale University’s “T he Lords of Life: P ow er and All lectures and panel discus­ David Quint. Respondent: Fertility in Pre-Classic Meso- sions are free and open to the Theodore Cachey Jr., ND assis­ America.” Barbara Mundy of public, and all except the Snite tant professor of romance lan­ Yale University and Douglas presentation will be held at the guages and literatures. Bradley, curator of ethno­ Center for Continuing • “Writing and Creating the graphic arts at the Snite, will Education. New World: The Dilemma of the present papers at Annenberg Historian,” by Enrique Pupo- Auditorium addressing topics The conference, part of Notre Walker of Vanderbilt University. related to the exhibits. Dame’s Sesquicentennial cele­ Respondent: Angel Delgado- bration, is sponsored by the Gomez, ND associate professor In addition, the Hesburgh department of romance lan­ of romance languages and Library’s special collections de­ guages and literatures in col­ literatures. partment will display books that laboration with the Institute for • “D ia lo g u e an d th e document the earliest images Scholarship in the Liberal Arts, Discovery: Montaigne and the and writings about America. the Kellogg Institute, the Historiographers," by Timothy department of history, the Snite Hampton of the University of Two panel discussions are Museum and the Northern The Observer/ E.G.Bailey California, Berkeley. scheduled for the final day, fea­ Indiana Historical Society. Can I take your measurements, please? Respondent: Julia Douthwaite, turing distinguished Latin- ND assistant professor of ro­ Americanists from Mexico, For more information on the The days until graduation are approaching quickly as seniors are mance languages and litera­ Peru, Venezuela and the United conference, contact Ted Cachey measured for graduation caps and gowns in the bookstore. ture. States. The Helen Kellogg at 239-5651.

Parietals SMOKEY continued from page 1 ^jpENT ACTUnES OFFICE PRESENTS signed in support of it were A Public Service of the Ad Council, the U.S.D.A., n i passed around during the Forest Service and your State Forester. feSd s: demonstration. The students were forbidden by ND security to display their 1991-92 M ainstage Season banners. As the demonstration grew, the group marched from the N o t r e D a m e Administration Building steps C ommunication toward North Quad. As they marched, the group loudly a n d T h e a t r e chanted “We are adults!" and attempted to enter Farley Hall, but were turned away by the NOTRE DAME Farley security guard. by WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE Responding to the loud chants, students inside of the dorms answered their cries saying that, if they were adults, D i r e c t e d b y Re g i n a l d B a i n “then go to bed.” i f f W ednesday, April 8 8:10 pm In response to the protest, ND THE ACOUSTIC CAFE Thursday, April 9 8:10 p m security said that they arrived This Thursday, April 2 at the scene of the Friday, April 10 8:10 pm Saturday, April 11 8:10 p m demonstration “to make sure basement lounge Sunday, April 12 3:10 pm that there were no damages or La Fortune Student Center injuries.” 9:00 P.M. - midnight WASHINGTON HALL OPEN MICROPHONE STUDENT PARTICIPATION ENCOURAGED Reserved Seats $ 7 , T ic k e t s are available a t THE DOOR OR IN ADVANCE AT TH E La FORTUNESTUDENT CENTER TICKET OFFICE. MASTERCARD AND Visa orders call 259-8128 Attention- Student Summer Students and senior citizen D ISC O U N T S ARE AVAILABLE FOR Storage W e d n e s d a y , T h u r sd a y a n d Su n d a y performances . What NEW Mini Warehouse and Storage u Faculty REFUSED to charge Deposits. Grand Opening April 3rd Administrative Fees, and UNFAIR Higher Rainbow Video Student Rental Fees Last Season. WE SPECIALIZE IN: •Security System • Resident Manager Korean ED •Spacious and Conveniently Located Japanese JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT Chinese WASNT SAFE TO COME OUT...... WAREHOUSE Video Tapes and STORAGE Free Membership (219) 271-1105 State Road 23 & Ironwood NOT!! Next to 76 Gas Station TUB: ALTERNATIVE MUSIC NIGHT We are expanding just for you! Mon-Sat 10 am to 8 pm Sun 12 noon to 6 pm Bring your own discs, $2.00 CAM. NOW for your Reservation!! (219) 273-9545 60 oz. deals $3.50 ALL SHOWS BEFORE 6 PM WED: PENNY NIGHT Everyone $3.00 • Scottsdale • 291 -4583 5 X 10's - $30 1990 Prices While Men Can't Jump R Daily 4:30 7:00 9:30 3 THURS: VELCRO JUMPING Special Student Rate Father of the Bride PC Dally 4 45 7:15 9:15 $3.00 10 X 10 DOUGLAS ROAD 60 oz. deals, prizes ® Tcwn SC c wTBY* 259-9090 10 X 20 * Notre Dame $45 Your Choice! Mini W arehouse I Cousin Vlnny R Daily 4 45 7 15 9 45 and Storage Wayne's World PC13 Daily 5:00 7:30 10 00 1150 Mishawaka Ave. South Bend, //Y Bask Instinct R Daily 4 30 7 00 9:30 288-0285 Wednesday, April 1,1992 The Observer page 7 Malloy formally inaugurates five ND professors to endowed chairs By BECKY BARNES Prein chair of the Department encouraging that,” he added. members of the department of News Writer of Computer Science and Although these professors the position and outside de­ Engineering in the University's have held their positions since partments, including at least College of Engineering, the beginning of this academic one member who holds an en­ Five University of Notre Dame •John Borkowski, the Andrew year, University President dowed position. professors were formally J. McKenna Family professor of Father Edward Malloy formally installed in endowed academic psychology, and inaugurated them to these en­ Attanasio has been a member chairs during a mass on •Walter Johnson, the Frank dowed chairs as celebrant of of the Notre Dame faculty since Wednesday, March 25. M. Freimann professor of the ceremonial mass. A recep­ 1985. He serves as chair of the The professors were: physics. tion held on the 14th floor of advisory board of Notre Dame’s •John Attanasio, the Regan Appointment to these posi­ the library followed in which Center for Civil and Human director of the Joan B. Kroc tions is a “mark of distinction, each of the recognized profes­ Rights and as faculty advisor of Institute for International Peace of recognition,” said University sors spoke. the Notre Dame Law Review Studies, Provost Timothy O’Meara. “It is “I have found (the cere­ and the International Law •Harold Attridge, the George an opportunity for them to monies) to be a very impressive Society. However, he is leaving N. Shuster dean of the College achieve greater goals, and I occasion where I’m reminded John Attanasio Notre Dame next year to of Arts and Letters, think recognition is one way of one more time of the intellec­ helping me to do a lot the work become dean of the University •Steven Bass, the Schubmehl- tual quality of our faculty,” I’ve done with legislative and of St. Louis Law School. O’Meara said. judicial officials in the O’Meara said the University is According to O’Meara, en­ European Community and the still looking for a replacement dowed chairs are “important former Soviet Union and help­ for his chair. things to the University.” He ing to attract people to the said they attract outstanding campus from other parts of the Attridge has been at Notre faculty from other universities w orld.” Dame since 1985 and special­ M O llA Y A l TUESDAY and provide increased opportu­ O’Meara said the positions of izes in Hellenic Judaism. He nities for Notre Dame profes­ endowed chairs were initiated has published seven books and APRIL 13 AND 14 sors. 20 or 25 years ago by former serves as a member of several Endowed chairs provide “one University President Father editorial boards. way of supporting faculty at the Hesburgh. Hesburgh believed TRENT university,” he added. these positions would improve Bass came Notre Dame only Appointment to an endowed the quality of education at the this year from George Mason ARTERBERRY chair includes outside resources University, and O’Meara com­ University. He holds several donated by the sponsor of the mented that it has made a dif­ U.S. and international patents chair. This money allows the ference in the quality of indi­ and has published extensively. 8 :1 0 p.m. professors greater opportunity viduals attracted to the univer­ for study by providing travel sity. Borkowski has served on the Washington Hall funds, a new piece of laboratory Johnson, who leads one of Notre Dame faculty since 1967 equipment, a computer or other only four groups in the world and was chair of the psychology Tickets: $8-Notrc Dame similar items, said O’Meara. studying weak interactions in department for six years. He is and Saint Marx 's Students The endowment grows with atomic physics, agreed that the also the author of two $10-General Admission inflation and should continue to endowed chair “is a matter, in psychology text books. $5—(Children (12 and under) support the professors over this area of physics, to attract Group rates available. time, he continued. more people into the Johnson has been at Notre LaFortunc Center Box Office According to Attanasio, “In University.” Dame since 1958 and chaired the international arena, the op­ the physics department from Mime Trent Arterberry moves through a series of contemporary scenes portunities associated with an According to O’M eara, the 1982 to 1985. He has also with a unique athletic grace and presence. His show ranges from hilarious endowed chair are helpful in endowed chairs are chosen by a served as a visiting professor at descriptive mime to interpretive dance and includes improvisational making international contacts, review committee comprised of several universities in Europe. sketches with audience participation. Arterberry began studying mime in the '70s with such masters as Marcel Marceau. Reduce Reuse Recycle

Closed sections as of FIN 478 01 1630 Classes that will reopen CHANGES 7:00 p.m. 3/31/92 GOVT 403 01 3670 at 7 : 00 p .m. 4/1/92 GSC 430 01 3457 (May be only one space) BIOS 201L 04 #3893 ACCT 231 06 0826 GSC ' 475 01 3657 change credit ACCT 231 10 0830 HIST 308A 01 3722 hours to 1.0 ACCT 475 02 0857 HIST 32 6A 01 3723 ENGL 311 01 1561 BIOS 344L all sections ACCT 475 03 0858 HIST 354A 01 3731 ENGL 328A 01 0175 change AERO 444L 04 0875 HIST 358A 01 3733 ENGL 4-16F 01 3074 restriction AERO 446L 04 0881 HIST 444A 01 3741 ENGL 416G 01 3608 to: BIOS 344 ANTH 310 01 2935 HIST 453A 01 3743 ENGL 416H 01 3610 or 421 pre/ BA 391 01 0769 HIST 458A 01 3745 ENGL 440B 01 3613 corequisite BA 391 02 0768 HIST 459A 01 3746 ENGL 460 01 3618 BIOS 527 01 #3994 BA 391 03 0559 HIST 4 65A 01 3747 ENGL 471A 01 3623 remove BA 490 03 1067 HIST 472A 01 3748 ENGL 478B 01 3624 "graduate BA 490 04 1068 HIST 474A 01 3749 ENGL 485C 01 1581 students BIOS 344L 02 1085 UPS 335 01 4138 HIST 458A 01 3745 only" COTH 330 01 3569 MGT 231 01 2012 MUS 226 01 2095 restriction COTH 435 01 3575 MGT 231 02 2013 SOC 220 01 #2621 ECON 403 01 3584 MGT 231 03 2015 add ECON 403T 01 3585 MGT 231 05 2018 CORRECTIONS AND restriction EDUC 324 18 8418 MUS 220 01 0330 ADDITIONS -ISLDART BOOK "Ineligible ENGL 311 01 1561 MUS 221 01 2646 if ENGL 319A 02 1565 MUS 226 01 2095 previously ENGL 324 01 3592 PHIL 230 01 3785 COURSES ADDED taken SOC ENGL 328A 01 0175 PHIL 235 01 2197 122" ENGL 384C 01 3164 PHIL 243 01 3786 PHIL 242 04 #4192 THEO 512 01 #0690 ENGL 416F 01 3074 PHIL 246 01 2198 Basic Issues change time ENGL 416G 01 3608 PHIL 247 01 3190 in Pol.Phil.; to: T H ENGL 416H 01 3610 PSY 472 01 2364 3 cr.hrs.; 08:00-09:15 ENGL 417 01 3611 RLST 240 28 9528 M W F 08:00- ENGL 440B 01 3613 RLST 240 30 9530 08:50 COURSES CANCELLED ENGL 460 01 3618 soc 400 01 3850 PHIL 242 05 #4193 ENGL 471A 01 3623 soc 400T 01 3851 Basic Issues AFAM 260 01 - #3444 ENGL 475A 01 3351 THEO 265 01 0703 in Pol.Phil.; CAPP 253 01 - #1162 ENGL 478B 01 3624 THEO 287 01 0254 3 cr. hrs.; ECON 443 01 - #1351 ENGL 485C 01 1581 THEO 288 01 4070 M W F 09:05- SOC 260 01 - #3446 ENGL 492C 01 3628 09:55 ENGL 4 93A 01 3629 ENGL 4 95A 01 3630 Viewpoint page 8 Wednesday, April 1,1992

The O bserver

P.O. Box Q, Notre Dame, Indiana 46556 (219) 239-5303 Tug. oScAK For His 1992-93 General Board AS'. Editor-In-Chief wears Monica Yant p g M o c R A T io Managing Editor Business Manager John Rock Richard Riley

News Editor ...... David Kinney A dvertisin g M a n a g er...... Mike H obbes V iewpoint Editor ...... J o e Moody Ad Design Manager Kevin Hardman S ports Editor ...... Michael Scrudato Production Manager ...... Jeanne Blasi Sk&Wor\5 A ccent Editor ...... Jahnelle Harrigan S ystems Manager ...... Patrick Barth P hoto Editor ...... Marguerite Schropp OTS Director ...... Dan Shinnick Saint Mary’s Editor.Anna Marie Tabor C ontroller ...... David Beliveau

T he Observer is the independent newspaper published by the students of the University of Notre Dame du Lac and Saint Mary’s College. It does not necessarily reflect the policies of the administration of either institution. The news is reported as accurately and objectively as possible. Unsigned editorials represent the opinion of the majority of the Editor-in-Chief, Managing Editor, News Editor, Viewpoint Editor, A ccent Editor, Photo Editor, Sports Editor, and Saint Mary’s Editor. C om m entaries, letters and Inside Column present the views of the authors. Column space is available to all members of the community and the free expression of varying opinions on campus through letters, is encouraged.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR People Auction theme Hipp family says thank you to ND Dear Editor: this family need to know that our family to Notre Dame that was not meant to offend The Colleen Marie Hipp family you have demonstrated a love, weekend. We cherish the mag­ Dear Editor: ment of those who happened to expresses our heartfelt appre­ special affection and genuine nificent “quilt of memories” so This is in response to Dennis be in power at that time. ciation and very special thanks support to our family that has thoughtfully assembled by the Barnes’ letter of March 30 con­ to the entire Notre Dame com­ flowed freely and been received women of Lewis Hall and now cerning his offense taken to the While it is revolting and sick­ munity for their sincere support gratefully. This outpouring ofbeing shared by us with friends People Auction held in honor of ening it happens to be a fact of as we proceed in our healing faith has occurred stimulated of Colleen and our family in St Meghan Beeler and Colleen life that the human animal has process. The loss of our by the special atmosphere of Louis. Hipp. Mr. B arnes is to be com ­ enslaved its brothers and sis­ daughter and sister is traumatic the University of Our Lady. We You all are responsible for in­ plemented on his volume of ters since time began. Just as indeed; however with the feel it, we are uplifted by it, we stilling in us a special ability to knowledge about the number of the word “ghetto” does not ap­ intense, fervent and genuine are healing better because of it. face the tragedy of Colleen’s Africans taken into slavery. ply to Jews or blacks, the idea sympathy and support of the We express our special thanks loss and you have made our However, I fear he overlooked of slavery should not be consid­ student body, alumni and ad­ to Kate Sullivan, rector of Lewis family feel we will always be a one very large point, that ered the personal catastrophe ministration of the University Hall, for representing Notre p a rt of N otre Dame. Africans had no exclusivity on of Africans. we have been comforted greatly Dame with our family in Jerry, Ann, Tom and Doranne slavery. I suggest that Mr. in facing this tragedy. arranging for the beautiful Hipp Barnes spend $3.00 at a local Everyone whose heart beats Notre Dame is a special family Memorial Mass on March 20, St Louis, Missouri video store and rent the movie free has horrors of the idea of indeed. All of you who share in 1992 and hosting the visit of March 27,1992 “Spartacus.” slavery, but we also abhor the idea of murder or rape. It’s a In this movie, which by the crime of mankind, but let’s not Bookstore B-Ball censors are inconsistent way has been excellently re­ let the mere mention of the touched and redone, one will word destroy or taint the love Dear Editor: when the “Censorship point out a few that the note that there are thousands of and efforts that went through to As seniors at Notre Dame, we Committee” requested that we Censorship Committee obvi­ slaves depicted, and it is in­ do something wonderful. Other are well aware of the conserva­ modify our name to something ously missed: “Four guys eatin’ teresting to note that there is activities such as Morrissey tive nature of this University. much more appropriate: “4 regularly and one single guy,” but one black slave pictured Hall’s Polar Run and Lyons However, until recently, we un­ Women Who Score With the “69 ways to score,” “4 guys who who is referred to as an Hall’s “Cream your favorite derestimated the extent of cer­ Circu^ Lunch Clown.” For any take it to the hole and one who Ethiopian. The heroine of the Lyonite" have been done to tain restrictive campus policies. of you who do not understand likes to go backdoor,” “5 guys movie was a Britain enslaved raise money for the scholar­ Censorship has become an issue the logic behind this modifica­ who penetrate to the hole and by the Romans. Another hero, a ships. around the country, but Notre tion, don’t feel too bad—neither shoot,” “No snackin’ at the Y,” Sicilian. Spartacus himself was Dame has taken it to a new do we. We are guessing that the and last but not least, “4 musty from anywhere but Africa. People are doing everything level. committee felt that the sexual pelts and a Summer’s Eve.” In they can to raise money to keep In order to take part in the connotation would be removed our opinion, these names are My point is that slavery has the memory of two very special Bookstore Basketball if the Circus Lunch Clown was a slightly more sexual in nature been an ugly part of the human people alive. I attended the Tournament, we realized that member of a 5-person team th an ours. existence since recorded time. People Auction, which raised we would have to come up with whose goal was to “score bas­ Please don’t misunderstand. As an African-American, Mr. $30,000, and have never expe­ a creative name that would not k ets.” We feel that as adults, we are Barnes, may think he has an rienced a greater sense of love offend our 18-22 year old In talking to the new able to take these names for exclusive right to be offended and caring than I did in that classmates. Since our coach Commissioner Andy Sinn, he in­ what they are: forms of humor. by this most demeaning of all room that night. I think Mr. gained celebrity status as the formed us that the censorship Thus, our point is not that these human practices, but let me as­ Barnes needs to look at that clown at Circus Lunch last year, rule is as follows: “No names names should be censored, but sure you long before the birth half glass of water as half full we thought to incorporate him that are explicitly OR implicitly rather, that ours should not of Christ white men were instead of half empty and in our name. Thus, “5 Women sexually suggestive are al­ have been. putting other white men in lighten up! Who Score With the Circus lowed,” and that this is the rea­ Libby Walker shackles and chains and on Kelly Guerin Lunch Clown” was born. son why our name was cen­ Sheila Dombal auction blocks to be sold. Breen-Phillips Hall We laughed at the thought sored. Katie Smith People of all races were slaugh­ March 30,1992 that this would be censored, After looking at the list of Cindy Toomey tered at arenas for the enjoy­ and were therefore stunned team names, we would like to Siegfried Hall

DOONESBURY GARRY TRUDEAU QUOTE OF THE DAY BASICALLY, WERE TALKING TO IFTHEREGANriHING EXPLOITABLE THIS IS EP ZIMMER, GIRLS, OUR TEAM BUSH CAMPAIGN RIGHT, CHIEF/ IN THE CLINTON RECORP, THESE BO/S HEAP OF PERSONAL &RIS, I5MIS5/0NEP 'OPV CHIEF TAP MLLHNPfT, JUST TH EM / THEY SEE, WE'VE PLACEP GIRLS! TO RESEARCH WAN/MAKER,.. FOUNP WILUE HORTON, SCHOOL A GRIP OVER THE THEOPPOSh \ RI6HT, STATE OFARKANSAS,.. PRAYER ANP BOSTON HARBOR JUST THIS YEAR,,. \ EP? T h e best water is the kind that TION... - Q IN 1988... J r i / \-r \ / has no taste.'

Robert Earl Payne

Become No-Mind, and unsubmit: QUOTES, P.O. Box Q. ND, IN 46556 Wednesday, April 1, 1992 Viewpoint page 9 LETTERS TO THE EDITOR Despite outcry. Loretto renovation plans proceed Dear Editor: dents of the world’s National The Church of Loretto has Conferences of Bishops, Opera been the subject of several let­ Artis, in which the congrega­ ters to the Voice of the People tion stated: “Disregarding the recently, as well as two warning and legislation of the feature articles in the South Holy See, many people have Bend Tribune. All of the made unwarranted changes in letters have expressed dismay places of worship under the at the planned renovation and pretext of carrying out the re­ have asked the Renovation h form of liturgy and have thus Committee to reconsider its caused the disfigurement or plans. loss of priceless works of art.” The committee has not re­ I also spoke with Bejamin sponded publicly to the outcry. Handy of the National Trust It quietly has proceeded with for Historic Preservation in its plans. The renovation, Chicago. He said the Vatican which is scheduled for May, II Council is re-evaluating how has already begun in that a churches are being renovated major portion of the wooden t i to conform w ith Vatican II be­ pews have been removed and cause of the loss of irreplace­ replaced with straight-back fortunate giving friends a tour of the July 13, 1980: “Grillo recalled able beauty in countless individual chairs. Ugly holes It is easy to lose sight of the cam pus. the church’s importance in his churches in both Europe and have now appeared in the need for unconditional accep­ She spoke of how her friends life and the excitement of the A m erica. marble floors where the pews tance and respect for others would gasp with delight when challenge it presented. ‘For Handy is confident that new were once anchored. during conflict. I believe this they saw the ornate bronze the first time,’ he said, ‘all the guidelines will be shortly Speaking of ugly holes, is one of Christ’s teachings, doors, and once inside, how art forms, from design to established. Given that new others have been appearing and it is imperative to they would stand quietly, actualization, were brought standards are a possibility, it figuratively during the course remember it now: Love thy touching the mosaic with together to form one total might be beneficial to of this conflict. Mary Turgi, neighbor as thyself, even if reverence and awe. She went sp ace.’” postpone major cost CSC, head of the Renovation you happen to disagree with on, close to tears, “I can’t Many of us may not like a expenditures and changes that Committee has been depicted her or him. Kindness and believe the palm trees won’t Picasso painting, but that would conflict with the new as everything from evil to a compassion should not be be here anymore.” Another gives us no right to cut it up docum ent. “destructive nun,” a she-devil. limited to only those with student stated that she had and throw half of it away. Several area priests will lead Though I do not know her whom you agree. spoken to several nuns who Picasso’s work is protected be­ an outdoor prayer-vigil for the personally, several of my Having said this, I want to said they would rather die cause it is in a museum. church at the Church of friends do and they have high state my reasons for being than see these changes take Unfortunately and ironically, Loretto on Saturday, April 4 at regard for her as a loving, against the renovation. First place. Grillo’s work is not because it 1:00 p.m. Students, faculty, caring, nurturing person who of all, it will cost $1.5 million, Next is the concern of artistic is in a church. alumni, and concerned would stop at nothing to help and there are destitute, integrity. In 1956, artist- Father Ed Foley, head of the members of the community someone in need. desperate people right here in architect Paul Jacques Grillo Catholic Theological Union at are urged to attend. Prayers She has worked ceaselessly Michiana who could benefit was commissioned to the University of Chicago is for will include requests for for humanitarian causes, deeply from the Order’s stated renovated the church. Not the renovation. In a recent wisdom, compassion, respect, helping organize and lead purpose which is to take care only did he design the floor-to- phone conversation he told me and acceptance for all, such groups as the Hunger of th e needy. ceiling mosaic, which was that the church is a place of including those standing on Coalition and Peacemakers. Secondly, many of the Sisters hand crafted in Milan and worship, not a museum, and opposite sides of this conflict. However, because she is and students are against it. At Florence, but he also designed that architecture and liturgical We asked for the best possible heading the Renovation the m eeting on Nov. 19, alm ost the main entrance, the art must conform to the li­ outcome for the church, and Committee and representing one hundred people attended, narthex, the nave, and the turgy. for its spiritual community as an unpopular viewpoint, she several giving testimonials op­ sanctuary. However, as far back as April well. has had to deal with much posed to the renovation. One The following is an excerpt 11, 1971, the Sacred Evie Barton character assassination which student told of how she always from an article published in Congregation for Clergy wrote South Bend, IN I think is unfair and un- saved church for last when the South Bend Tribune on a circular letter to the presi­ March 30,1992 Important questions go unanswered by GSU President Dear Editor: subvert the very ideals of coop­ many graduate students do not tornado sirens or even having confrontations with the Please allow me to respond to eration, interaction and excel­ insure their families, simply be­ sex outside of marriage. Administration over du Lac to the 1991-92 GSU President’s lence that are outlined in that cause they cannot afford it. Unfortunately, a child was re­ prove you have a true desire to letter which appeared in The very document? Also consider the cost of day cently injured in the manner work with people. Observer (March 24, 1992). In Our honorable president also care for such a family. One described, and his father has this letter, the current president mentions something about a family I know spent $550 a yet to learn from the insurance Perhaps with a fresh outlook, attempted to relieve some of his “small stipend” that is given to month between University in­ company if the cost of the sev­ we graduate students can anger and clear up some of the the officers of the GSU. I’m surance and day care. Again, enty stitches will be covered. rebuild the pride we should feel questions surrounding the sorry that he wasn’t a little $1400 doesn’t even come close as being very special members “extraordinary” GSU elections. clearer about this point. He to covering this. Perhaps our In light of this hypocrisy, and of this community. I encourage There are, however, some failed to mention that the cur­ honorable president should at the urging of the people anyone and everyone interested questions which have gone rent annual stipend for his of­ have called his stipend whose opinions I value very to contact me if they have any unanswered. fice is $1400; he also failed to “miniscule.” highly, I find myself compelled questions about anything I’ve mention the Graduate Student to enter the race for GSU written here. First, the GSU president Council’s unsuccessful attempts Please don’t get the impres­ President. This decision is makes the claim that an ap­ to further raise this stipend. sion that the GSC has done made with a heavy heart. I also encourage all graduate pointment without election to Now this might not seem like nothing about the day care is­ However, I have weighed the students to come to the the highest post in our organi­ a small amount of money when sue. This past year a very dedi­ responsibilities of this office Candidate’s Night. One of the zation is not without precedent. compared to the average salary cated group of students worked against the good that the GSU pledges you will hear me make Not being a government student of most working professionals, to present this problem to the can do, given the proper direc­ is that if elected, every last cent myself, it is not clear to me if he but to the average graduate Board of Trustees. tion. of my GSU stipend will go is referring to the Bolshevik student at Notre Dame, this is a Unfortunately the GSU presi­ The very thought of what towards supplies for a day care, revolution or that historic very sizable amount of money. dent has not been aggressive some student’s children must go if that is what is needed. incident in Britain when a enough in trying to devise a set without because of a haphazard Whatever is not spent on books, knock-kneed squire pulled a Consider, for example, what a of solutions to present to the insurance policy, or unavailable or crayons, or sleeping sacks, certain sword out of a piece of graduate student supporting a Administration. day care, makes me feel that will be spent on whatever is rock. family of four has to pay to keep One issue that I know has the job is worth wanting. appropriate for the GSU. After More seriously, I wonder why, his or her family on the weighed heavily on the mind of Please do not get the im­ all, it is the GSU’s money, not with all the publicity about our University’s insurance policy. our honorable president is the pression that I have all the an­ the P residen t’s. upcoming elections, never once Those of us who are single only fact that as students of Notre swers for these or any prob­ Finally, I urge every graduate was the position of spend around $300 for the Dame we are asked to abide by lems; my ego is not so large. I student to vote. If you are un­ Parliamentarian listed as one of peace of mind that should we the codes of conduct outlined in do know that these are our happy with the candidates, I en­ the available offices. Could it lose the use of an eye or a limb that most widely read document problems, and that we should courage you to write-in. If the be that under the GSU consti­ we will receive $1000 for our du Lac. show some responsibility for current GSU administration has tution it is the duty of the misery, while a family of four Apparently this little red book arriving at solutions. It takes its way, we may never have this Parliamentarian to insure that had to pay $2600 yearly for this is a serious threat to our more than begging the right again. elections not only happen, but same protection. “intellectual freedom.” May I Administration to give us day that they are run in a timely say that it is more likely that a care to get day care. Michael L. Kelly and fair manner? If our President thinks his graduate student’s child will be It takes more than mediocre Off-Campus stipend is small, he is correct kicked in the head by a horse subsidies for an already paltry March 26,1992 Could this possibly be inter­ th a t the GSU p resid en t’s yearly and go uninsured than that the insurance policy to help out preted as an attempt by the income doesn’t even come close N.D. Thought Police will charge young families. It takes more current GSU administration to to $2600. Yet. The sad fact is, a graduate student for ignoring th a n meaningless Accent page 10 April Fool’s Day, 1992

Jeanne Blasi From the Playpen Media’s role in rape trials is dangerous n campus, sexual assault awareness M 1 week sparked a series of anonymous m E accounts from survivors of rape. The courageous women who wrote letters in to The Observer moved many and hopefully heightened an awareness of rape on cam pus. But, the attitude towards rape aAccusations in general are often skeptical. This view is detrimental both to women and to relations between women and men. Many women are afraid to report occurrences of rape because they do not think they will be believed or do not want to go through the red tape. What has society done to make it so difficult to report a sexual crime? Perhaps it begins with the media. The media exposes the sexual reputation of the woman, as if this somehow changes our perception of whether or not she was raped. Sadly, this technique often works. Rape is unconsented sex or sex that is consented to under conditions of force or threats of force. A woman’s past sexual history From the is irrelevant to this definition. The idea that, somehow, through a moral calculation it is worse to rape a virgin than a woman who has a perceived ‘loose’ reputation is dangerous. The media creates a strong linkage between a woman’s sexual reputation and her credibility. Many make judgments as to the defendant’s classroom to innocence or guilt based on the sexual reputation of his victim. Is this a fair judgem ent? For example, in Tyson’s rape trial, his victim was a 19 year old Miss Black America contestant. She was presented by the press as intelligent and wholesome. Her sex life never the silver screen made front page news. On the other hand, Patricia Bowman, William Kennedy Smith’s victim, had her reputation destroyed by the media. As they dug up her sexual reputation and those of her witnesses’, the media destroyed the credibility of the 'Student lfltonld Premiers' will witnesses and the victim in the eyes of many. Regardless of the truth, Patricia Bowman’s life will never be the same. Many people saw her as a woman making a ploy for money and media attention. Would the possibility of losing the showcase ND student filmmakers case and the resulting damage to her character as a result of losing the case be worth any By JIM BYRNE films will be among the show’s that the film fest is a lot of fun, amount of money? She is now labeled by many Accent Writer comic sketches, parities, but feel that SWP offers greater as making a false rape claim for money. commercials a n d quality and diversity. And although Tyson’s victim won the case, Notre Dame film and video documentaries. many people accuse her of being careless. She production students promise Tonight’s show will provide a Tonight’s film makers have should have known what he wanted.’ the Student World Premieres unique opportunity for the film the advantages of access to This assumption is equally as dangerous. (SWP) will provide quality makers as it is their first high quality cameras, advanced And it is often women who wrongly make entertainment tonight at the performance in front of a editing equipment, the training these hypocritical assumptions. At one time or Snite Theater at 7 and 9 p.m. theater audience. Until now, to use them, and the guidance another, most women have probably been in a For $2 the audience will not their only audience has been of their professors. potentially dangerous situation; however the only see a great show, but also their classmates and professors In recent years, the notable situation fortunately never turned into a provide an important who have concentrated on offerings of the film dangerous one. experience for the film makers. picking out the editing, picture, department have attracted And while women need to use some caution Each semester the SWP and sound deficiencies in the increased enrollment, and sent and not purposefully place themselves into presents 25 to 30 short works w orks. students on to top graduate potentially dangerous situations, often, a unified under a creative theme. film programs such as New situation does not become potentially dangerous For example, last semester’s A theater audience often has York University. until it is too late. group parodied a television different demands than those So, should women assume that any situation network interruption during who are experienced in the Several of tonight’s artists are with a male could be potentially dangerous ? the broadcast of the decisive production process. The senior film majors intent on What kind of male-female relations does this ND field goal vs. Tennessee. common movie goer is there to success in the field. Breaking attitude foster? There has to be trust in a enjoy, not analyze. As a result, into the field takes talent and relationship. When a man violates this trust, it is Assistant Professor Ted student film makers say that luck. Perhaps a student might in no way, shape or form the woman’s fault. So Mandel said the format of some of the scenes which the get the big break tonight with often it is easy to forget this fact. tonight’s show will not be film class has found to be the approach of some Perhaps the next time we hear about a rape revealed until show time, but profoundly dramatic have production big wig who likes case, we will not be so quick to make rumors have spread that drawn hysterical laughter in his style. But more likely, the judgements about the innocence or guilt of the impending tragedy will befall the theater. night’s grand prize will be an defendant based on wrongful assumptions about one of tonight’s honored artists. Film and video students have unexpected roar of the victim or to criticize the decisions of the In tonight’s SWP production, expressed surprise that the appreciation for an imperfect victim. 20 different artists will portray Morrissey Film Festival production. Rape is an inexcusable crime and it should be an array of individual styles attracted a much larger Either way, SWP promises a treated as such. and techniques. Straight audience than did the first great show. Expect to be forward to avant guard styled sem ester’s SWP. They agree surprised. Jeanne Blasi is Production Manager of The Observer. Her columns appear every third Wednesday in Accent. Wednesday, April 1, 1992 The Observer page 11 SMC softball travels to Panel denies Tyson's request (AP>- Mike Tyson’s request to the appellate court. “So ordered would likely now serve between face Hope College be freed from prison while he this 31st day of March, 1992.” six months to a year before a appeals his convictions for rape Tyson went to prison decision is made on his appeal. confident heading into the By JENNIFER GUSTAFSON and criminal deviate conduct Thursday after being sentenced He said he didn’t consider it an Sports Writer games, “I think that we have a was denied Tuesday by the to six years for convictions forindication of victory on appeal. realistic chance at coming Indiana Court of Appeals. rape and criminal deviate con­ “The court in deciding a mo­ The last time the Saint away with two victories.” A three-judge panel rejected duct. He was found guilty of tion like this considers many is­ Mary’s softball team went on Bogataj also pointed towards the former heavyweight cham­ assaulting Desiree Washington, sues,” Modisett said. “They the road, it was south to Fort pitching as the key if the pion’s request in a two-sentence a Miss Black America beauty consider the risk of the person Meyers, Fla. for a spring break Belles are going to be order released shortly before pageant contestant, in his committing the same offense, trip and they returned with a successful. 4:30 p.m. EST. One of the Indianapolis hotel room last they consider the risk of flight. 4-3 record. The Belles will be “I know that they are quite judges expected an appeal to July. “These are very important is­ hoping for similar results as deep, as far as pitchers, but the Indiana Supreme Court. Marion County Prosecutor sues in addition to the likeli­ they travel to Holland, our pitcher, Lisa Bright, is Tyson’s attorney, Alan M. Jeffrey Modisett declined to call hood of a reversal of conviction. Michigan, to take on division playing very well this season,” Dershowitz, confirmed a state Tuesday’s ruling a victory for How the Court of Appeals III rival, Hope College in a said Bongataj. Supreme Court appeal was his office, but added that “the weighs these factors is certainly double-header. The two games today will be im m inent. winner is justice. ... The benefit not for me to decide.” The games should prove the Belles first of the regular “The petition for bail pending we want to see is that it does In an interview, Shields de­ challenging, as the Flying season, as they have had sev­ appeal heretofore filed in this tell rape victims to come forth.” clined to disclose the judges’ Dutch are currently ranked eral games called due to the court by the appellant Michael Modisett, however, said he reasons for denying the request third in the nation. weather, including yesterdays G. Tyson is d e n ie d ,” sa id th e doubted the denial of bail would after conferring for about three Despite this, sophomore game against HJPU-Fort order signed by Judge V. Sue be reviewed by the state hours since hearing oral right fielder Staci Bogataj is Wayne. Shields, acting chief judge of Supreme Court. He said Tyson arguments last Friday.

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Summer sublet- Turtle Creek I, myself, cannot. Lori, HEY, EVERYBODY! WISH JOYCE LOST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!LOST: 2-bdrm, furnished 271-8466 DOMINGO A BIG HAPPY B-DAY! NOTICES We are not strong Lunch at Greenfields Cafe was (or is that April Fool’s!) GE DOUBLE CASSETTE PLAYER SUMMER SUBLEASE CHEAP!!! GREAT! Let’s do it again. WORD PROCESSING Furnished Turtle Creek Townhouse You should be with us, feeling like Happy Birthday, JOY DOMINGO! 256-6657 @ At Zahm Jam at T heo’s. Available for summer. 2, 3, or 4 w e do... Dan (this is your day . April 1st!) students rent negotiable. 2 $$ FOR BOOKS 10-4:30 M-Sat If you know of its whereabouts bdr,2bath, pool. Call Mike/Matt R am ada Inn of Elkhart, Award Happy Birthday Joe Roberts to the goddess of cool, Pandora’s Books p lea se call: X 3414 or 341 0 Winning Hotel, has rooms for hope april fool’s is a corner of ND ave & Howard Graduation weekend. Located at ADOPTION: YOUR BABY NEEDS happy birthday! reg. hrs 10-5:30 everyday 284-4382 SUMMER SUBLET (TURTLE Toll Road Exit #92 Elkhart A HOME AND OUR HOME NEEDS love the amphibian queen CREEK) 272-9540! (12 miles from South Bend) A BABY! Young financially secure kissy-kissy! TYPING AVAILABLE Thanks Easter Bunny Minimum stay 2 nights with $110 Catholic couple looking to adopt 287-4082. ONLY $125 PER PERSON, MO., deposit per room. Send letter with and provide a loving home to an who’s the flasher at campus for large 4-BR, furnished house. deposit to 3011 Belvedere Rd., infant. All Expenses paid. Please ministry? Typing Complete security system; washer Elkhart, IN 46514. call collect (317) 364-0300 for more WANTED information. Pickup & Delivery & dryer; 9-mo. lease. Deposit. 259- Latin exp ression s will b e Friday, 2 77-7406 SUMMER JOBS 7801 or 255-5852. SUMMER IN EUROPE FORM $251 ALL LAND/WATER SPO R TS each way on discounted scheduled BREEN-PHILLIPS 2ND ANNUAL April 3 at the Library Auditorium at Attractive studio’s in lovely old airlines to Europe from CHICAGO. EUCHRE TOURNAMENT!! 7:30. Come one, come all. $2 Seniors—Seniors PRESTIGE CHILDRENS’ CAMPS SIGN-UPS IN NDH AND SDH student, $3 non-students Graduating and still don’t ADIRONDACK MOUNTAINS Mansion 1/2 mile from ND 225- Call (800) 325-2026. FROM TUES, MARCH 31 TO have job plans? NEAR LAKE PLACID 300/Mo. plus deposit. Call 2879624 THURS, APRIL 2. Angie Gregory enjoys white cars New company that has been CALL 1-800-786-8373 for sum m er and fall rentals. NEED 2 Tickets for Graduation and church parking lots. actually adding hundreds of 6 BEDROOM HOME. WALK TO please call Neal at 283-1159 Smile... only 21 more class days p eople thru dramatic I need a ride to Vanderbilt any until graduation! Shannon P. Huneke loves wet expansion seeks motivated/ weekend. Will help pay gas, etc. CAMPUS. FURNISHED.272-6306 BEADS?????PAT OBRIEN’S??? noodles and moist brownies. career oriented individuals to Call Rich @ x1695. NEED A RIDE TO help expansion into new FOR RENT: 515 W. Marion; roomy 3-story house, ample parking, WHAT IS S O CRAZY??? RALEIGH/DURHAM AREA FOR If either of these lovely ladies markets. Interviews will be Fem ale room m ate wanted for May. EASTER BREAK? Looking for 1 or entices you, give them a call at held on April 8 & 9 at Career Lincon Park area, 2 blocks from the security, close to ND. 272-5509. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND???? 2 people to share driving, gas, tolls, X284-4423 or 4420 and Placement. Call student lake. 2bdrm/5rm, $415/mo plus liason at x3457 to set up utilities, call (312) 975-5035. MOVING TO CHICAGO? etc. Call Laura x4804 TWO 19991 SMC GRADS NEED I'VE GOT A CHOCOLATE SHAKE! times. STUDENT NEEDED to manage the NONSMOKING FEMALE Custom-made Vegh and the Woz-man are the ROOMATE BEGINNING JUNE 1. HAIR-BOWS g o d s of Indiana trivia. Call 1908 for Christmas in April!!! THE B O SS IS BACK!! Notre Dam e area of an Ann Arbor Business. No experience nec. but $ 290/M 0 INCL. HEAT, PARTIAL details "You'd better not pout ..." must be m otivated, May til July. FURNISH, N. SIDE APT. 1 BLOCK by Lynn and Sally Only three d a y s until the annual Good $. 313-930-6962 2-5 p.m. FROM LAKE.PLEASE CALL ASAP ADOPTION LOST/FOUND (LOCAL) 219-271-1443. ASK FOR call x2764 Childless, Christian, Couple wishes Christmas in April celebration! Looking for experience to place on to adopt. Legal and medical paid. I lost a Notre Dame Lacrosse (The Final Four will be televised!) your resume? Need Notre Dame or -various materials, designs Call Bill and Kathy, Collect, at 219- sweatshirt Sat. night somewhere on -Santa's BIG RED helpers St. Mary’s students for part-time FOR SALE and colors available- 322-8187. South Quad. It has #34 on the front sa les positions, from April through GARRETT and I really need it back. If you’ve Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! July, 1992, to sell advertising in Make friends and serve the found it, p lea se call Kristine at In the heart of every woman, there community by joining Daily Shillelagh. Seeking For Sale: X3352. is a Mardi Gras Mombo waiting to NOTRE DAME CIRCLE K It is the Zeigmaster’s birthday. He’s motivated, enthusiastic, outgoing, '83 NISSAN SENTRA: come out... Org. Meeting 7:00 PM April 8 been having great sax all these and professional students with 4-dr, power brakes, excellent LOST: O ne gold hoop earring Montgomery Theater years but not even the army reliable transportation. Send mileage, engine hums like a dream, with a spiral pattern ND and SMC students: Any ? Call John 273-9111 appreciates him. Oh well, wish Matt resume to Karen Prebys, Penny new exhaust/brakes, great travel If found p lease return to 214 Informational session on summer Zeiger happy 22nd today, but don’t Saver, P.O. Box 326, South Bend, car, very reliable! Farley or call x4049 programs to London and Rome wil Top 10 Quotes from the CC Texas tell him to go fly a kite b eca u se he IN 46624. $ 1 ,9 5 0 (firm) be held at 3 4 0 Maldeva Hall at Saint Racial War: might just might go out and design Still lost! Petite green w om en’s ALASKA SUMMER EMPLOYMENT Mary’s on W ed. April 1 at 6:30 p.m. 1 0 .1 told that teacher X’s & Y's don’t one. Don’t tell him to take a flying class ring. Inside reads “ACS ’93”. Free pizza will be provided. Any make no shoes. leap b eca u se h e just might free fall - fisheries. Earn $5,000+/month. STUDENTS & PARENTS! Lost on St. Pat’s Day. If found questions call Prof. Black at 284- 9. You guys are the best friends I’ve from a second story window. So just Free transportation! Room & Board! SAVE on those housing costs. Buy PLEASE return to 143 Farley Hall or 4460. S p a c e s still available. ever had-group hurl. wish him a big “What About, Bob?” Over 8,000 openings. No this Oakhill Condo, walk to classes. callAngie at X4095. 8. When it rains Nova pulls her happy birthday because it is his experience necessary. Male or Get a break on your taxes, and a upper lip over her head and at favorite movie of almost all time. If Female. For employment program return on your investment after LOST: Gold Louisville Cardinal CONGRATULATIONS! picnics sh e pulls her lower lip down your lucky he might do the world call Student Employment Services graduation. Call Janet Knapp at charm with ruby eye. Sentimental TO THE NEWEST MEMBER OF for a sack race. famous 3-man lift for you. at 1-206-545-4155 ext. 1597. RE/MAX 100 realty for more value! Reward! Call 271-1177 THE SENIOR BAR "TEAM” 7. Don’t walk away...linger. information. 219-255-5858 or 219- Keep blowin’ Zeig Need ride to North Carolina JASON 6. He twists his arms all around and Lost: Gold Watch 277-7402. May 8th or 9th LUBANSKI he enjoys it. sincerely, Niewland - LaFortune area ? 5. We shouldn’t be talking to the Rob (I’ll never give you Will split tolls and g a s I STRING TENNIS RACKETS Maria x4421 hey nif devil. It’s Lent. that two bucks)Vazquez, Bob (I’m Call Dave 3633 Cheaper than the Eck! 4. I'm open to the call of being a not a Slacker) Wiley, The KELTOS- grips, stencils, whatever lost: men’s gold Sieko watch in STUDY ABROAD IN AUSTRALIA prostitute. MAN, and Easy. you need! Rock basement on Sat. Call X4608. Info on sem ester, year, graduate, 3. It’s always Beauty and the Beast. C huckx2226 FOR RENT summer and internship programs in You never see Handsome and the To a tall guy, short guy, two fat guys lost: set of keys: One imprinted with Perth, Townsville, Sydney, and B ea stess. and Pat. Good Luck on your game BED N BREAKFAST REGISTRY ND3, the other with 244. Don’t Melbourne. Programs start at 2. I’m Blah, OK? today!!!! Love, 219-291-7153. TICKETS remember where I lost them, call $3520. Call 1 -800-878-3696. 1. H ave penis, will admire!. 3 S SMC’s X4608 For Sale: chp. 1 way tick. SB to Los R em em ber La P esca! 3 Bedroom Angeles. Monday, 5/18. The Lizard King lives on! Down with THE TUTUS ARE BACK... LOST: gold chain w/heart Jim x1558. the Crustaceans! Attention: Walk to Cam pus overlapping another heart (w/ dykes and fairies There I was, there I was, there I $555 Month stone). If found, please call One way ticket. Sth. Bnd. to Garth Brooks is a GOD! freaks and hairies w as . . . in a tutu 232 3616 Stephanie at X4914. Much Pgh. on 4/15. $80. Call Lee. sentimental value. Reward Offered # 1200 000 THE COPY SH O P 000 Ken K esey and the Merry VOTE FOR JAMIE O’BRIEN COLLEGE PARK CONDOS -12 LaFortune Student Center Pranksters invite you to participate SBA TREASURER. JAMIE NEW UNITS - 1300 sq. ft. - LOST! LOST! LOST! LOST! LOST! —FAST CASH— We re O pen Everyday!!! in their April Fool’s Day Test at 4pm O'BRIEN Ironwood & Bulla - 2 B/R - 2 Bath - On Wednesday, 3/25, I lost my HP- Need ‘any” 2 commencm’t behind Lyons Hall. F estive attire available immediately - call 287- 176 business calculator somewhere tix. Prom ise them now for big to the athletic dept.: a must. 0534 or 271-9268. on campus. SERIOUS REWARD!!!! bucks. PLEASE!! Karen 2770 your time is gonna come I need ANY extra graduation tickets J o h n x 3 5 8 8 . — led zeppelin Value people you have They're for my 1 BDRM. FOR SUMMER SCHOOL. Paul Tsongas wants tickets!! Total Challenge the status quo Uncle Bill (Clinton) USE OF FACILITIES. $225/M O. LOST $$ for 2-4 grad tix Mickey x1846 K eep an open mind Call Lisa 283-4833 232-2794. Men’s spiral hairbone She sings a song and I listen to (panel discussion to follow the necklace somwhere between what it says- contest). "Jose Cuervo, you are a friend of Planner, Comp/Math, and ROTC PERSONAL If you want a friend, feed any animal mine....I like to drink you with a little Newly remodeled 4-bdrm, P lea se call Mike x1143 There's so much space, I cut me a geo rg e bush will b e taking a break salt and lime ". 2-bath home. Near Lafayette piece with so m e fine wine, from the fear and loathing of the Square Townhomes. All kitchen DIANA AUTO INSURANCE. Need ride to Cleveland(John Carrol It brought peace to my mind in the cam paign trail to support the team , WANT COED HOUSING? appliances, washer/dryer. 2-car Good rates. Save Money. Call me U .) this weekend. Call Summertime, thank you for your support Sign the Petition garage. $700/mo. Ref. & 10-mo. for a quote 9:30-6:00, John x1146 if you can help. And it rolled! Mon 3/30-W ed 4/1 lease required. 277-4583. 289-1993. Office near campus. The Observer a #

NBA STANDINGS NHL STANDINGS TRANSACTIONS

EASTERN CONFERENCE WALES CONFERENCE Atlantic Division BASEBALL Patrick Diviaion W L Pet GB L 10 Streak Home Away Conf American League W L T Pts GF GA Home Away Div BALTIMORE ORIOLES—Waived Eric Hetzel, x-New York 46 26 .639 — 7-3 Lost 1 27-10 19-16 2 5 1 7 y-NY R angers 49 24 5 103 312 241 278-4 22-16-1 18-15-1 pitcher, for the purpose of giving him his Boston 42 30 .583 4 7-3 Won 6 29-7 13-23 2 5 2 1 x-Washington 44 26 7 95 324 267 25-12-2 19-14-5 21-11-0 Miami 34 39 .466 12 1/2 5-5 Lost 1 25-11 9-28 2 5 2 4 unconditional release. x-New Jersey 37 29 11 85 281 247 23-11-4 14-18-7 13-14-5 BOSTON RED SOX—Waived Dana Kiecker, New Jersey 32 39 .451 13 1/2 5-5 Won 1 22-14 1 5 2 5 21-24 x-Pittsburgh 37 30 9 83 331 290 19-13-6 18-17-3 14-14-3 pitcher, for the purpose of giving him his Philadelphia 31 42 .425 15 1/2 1-9 Lost 4 21-15 1 5 2 7 1 5 2 9 NY Islanders 32 35 10 74 277 296 19-15-5 13-20-5 12-15-6 W ashington 23 49 .319 23 2-8 Won 1 12-25 11-24 13-33 unconditional release. Assigned Paul Quantrill, Philadelphia 31 34 11 73 236 257 21-10-7 10-24-4 10-19-5 pitcher, and Eric Wedge, catcher, to Pawtucket of O rlando 17 55 .236 29 3-7 Lost 4 10-27 7-28 13-37 Adams Division Central Division the International League. y-Montreal 41 27 10 92 262 200 27-8-4 14-19-6 16-9-5 CLEVELAND INDIANS—W aived Jerry Browne, x-C hicago 59 13 .819 — 9-1 Won 3 30-5 29-8 40-7 x-Boston 34 32 10 78 254 263 22-11-5 12-21-5 14-10-4 x-Cleveland 49 22 690 9 1/2 8-2 Won 1 29-5 20-17 3 5 1 1 infielder; Mike Aldrete, outfielder, and Shawn x-Buffalo 30 34 12 72 277 282 21-12-5 9-22-7 11-12-6 Detroit 42 31 .575 17 1/2 4-6 Lost 1 22-15 20-16 25-22 Hillegas, pitcher, for the purpose of giving them x-Hartford 24 40 13 61 236 272 12-17-10 12-23-3 10-15-6 Atlanta 35 37 .486 24 6-4 Lost 1 21-16 14-21 20-26 their unconditional releases. Q uebec 18 47 11 47 239 306 17-18-3 1-29-8 9-14-5 Milwaukee 30 42 .417 29 3-7 Lost 5 2 5 1 1 5 31 21-26 MILWAUKEE BREWERS— Agreed to term s with CAMPBELL CONFERENCE Won 1 9-26 19-27 Kevin Seltzer, third baseman, on a one-year Charlotte 29 42 .408 29 1/2 5-5 20-16 Norris Division WESTERN CONFERENCE contract. Optioned Joe Kmak, catcher, to Denver of W L T Pts GF GA Home A w ay Div Midwest Division the American Association. Placed Julio Machado, y-Detroit 41 25 11 93 308 248 24-12-3 17-13-8 17-10-2 W L Pet GB L 10 Streak Home Away Conf pitcher, on the restricted list. x-Chicago 36 27 14 86 250 226 23-8-8 13-19-6 15-10-4 x-Utah 47 24 .662 7-3 Won 1 32-4 15-20 2 5 1 4 MINNESOTA TWINS—Optioned Terry Jorgenson, x-St. Louis 34 33 10 78 268 259 23-12-3 11-21-7 9-17-3 San Antonio 42 30 .583 51/2 4-6 Lost 5 28-7 14-23 29-16 third baseman; David West, pitcher; and J.T. Bruett, M innesota 31 40 5 67 233 262 19-15-3 12-25-2 12-14-3 H ouston 37 36 .507 11 3-7 Lost 6 25-11 12-25 23-24 outfielder, to Portland of the Pacific Coast League. Toronto 29 41 7 65 226 280 20-15-3 9-26-4 14-16-2 Sent Bernardo Brito, outfielder, to their minor D enver 23 50 .315 25 2-8 Lost 5 17-20 6-30 13-32 Smythe Division Dallas 18 54 .250 29 1/2 1-9 Won 1 13-24 5-30 12-33 league camp for reassignment. Placed Paul y-Vancouver 41 25 11 93 277 238 23-9-6 18-16-5 19-9-4 M innesota 12 60 .167 35 1/2 1-9 Won 1 7-29 5-31 9-36 Abbott, pitcher, on the 15-day disabled list. x-Los Angeles 34 30 14 82 279 292 20-10-9 14-20-5 15-12-6 Pacific Division TEXAS RANGERS—Optioned Brian Bohanon, x-Edmonton 35 32 10 80 285 282 21-12-5 14-20-5 14-12-6 x-Portland 51 22 .699 6-4 Lost 2 29-7 22-15 31-14 pitcher, to Oklahoma City of the American Winnipeg 30 32 15 75 236 236 20-14-6 10-18-9 12-14-6 x-Golden St 48 23 .676 2 6-4 Won 4 2 5 9 22-14 2 5 1 4 Association. Calgary 29 36 11 69 280 292 18-13-7 11-23-4 14-14-3 x-Phoenix 48 25 .658 3 9-1 Won 5 32-5 16-20 29-16 TORONTO BLUE JAYS—Placed Dave Stieb and San Jo se 17 55 5 39 209 344 14-21-3 3-34-2 8-21-3 LA Clippers 40 32 .556 10 1/2 8-2 Won 6 26-11 14-21 25-22 Mike Timlin, pitchers, on the 15-day disabled list, x-clinched playoff berth, Seattle 40 32 .556 10 1/2 6-4 Lost 1 23-13 17-19 27-17 retroactive to March 27. Placed R anee Mulliniks, x-won division title. LA Lakers 39 32 .549 11 7-3 Won 5 21-14 18-18 23-20 infielder, on the 15-day disabled list, retroactive to Monday's Games S acram ento 24 48 .333 26 1/2 4-6 Won 1 17-18 7-30 12-32 March 28. Optioned Ed Sprague, catcher, to No games scheduled x-clinched playoff berth. Syracuse of the International League. Tuesday’s Games Monday's Games National League Chicago at Detroit, 7:35 p.m. New Jersey 117, San Antonio 109 CHICAGO CUBS—Waived Les Lancaster, Philadelphia at Pittsburgh, 7:35 p.m. Charlotte 123, Orlando 112 pitcher, for the purpose of giving him his Boston at Quebec, 7:35 p.m. unconditional release. Utah 120, Milwaukee 100 Buffalo at Minnesota, 8:05 p.m. Golden State 124, Philadelphia 106 CINCINNATI REDS—Waived Tim Layana, Edmonton at Calgary, 935 p.m. Tuesday's Gsmes pitcher, for the purpose of giving him his Late Games Not Inluded unconditional release. Chicago 96, New York 90 MONTREAL EXPOS—Placed Darren Reed, Cleveland 123, Miami 114 outfielder, on the 15-day disabled list. Waived LA Clippers 97, Detroit 81 IRISH SOFTBALL George Canale, infielder, for the purpose of giving LA L akers 107, Houston 101 him his unconditional release. Optioned Mel Rojas, Phoenix 128, Portland 111 pitcher, to Indianapolis of the American Utah at Seattle, (n) Association. Golden Stale at Sacramento, (n) PITTSBURGH PIRATES—Sent John Wehner, W ednesday’s Games ST. XAVIER AB R H Bl NOTRE DAME AB R H Bl third baseman; Carlos Garcia and Jeff Richardson, Washington at Boston, 7:30 p.m. McCue, cf 3 0 1 0 Alvarez, cf 4 1 2 0 infielders; Brian Dorsett, catcher, and Rick Reed, Miami at Philadelphia, 7:30 p.m. DeScheler, 2b 3 0 0 0 Folsom, c 3 0 2 0 pitcher, to their minor league camp for Atlanta at Indiana, 7:30 p.m. Russell, If 3 0 1 1 H ayes, rf 3 0 0 0 reassignment. Charlotte at Chicago, 8:30 p.m. Heinrich, ss 3 0 0 0 Pinter, 1b 3 0 1 1 SAN DIEGO PADRES—Waived Craig New Jersey at Milwaukee, 8:30 p.m. Johnson, dp 3 0 0 0 Connoyer, 2b 2 0 0 0 Worthington, third baseman, for the purpose of Orlando at Dallas, 8:30 p.m. Kusinski, 1b 2 0 0 0 L.Miller, If 3 1 1 0 giving him his unconditional release. LA Lakers at San Antonio, 8:30 p.m. Rohan, rf 3 0 0 0 Boulac, 3b 2 0 1 0 SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS—Agreed to terms with Thursday's Games Rauwolf, c 3 0 0 0 Quinn, dp 1 0 0 0 Roger Craig, manager, on a one-year contract New York at Charlotte, 7:30 p.m. Yurik, 3b 2 0 0 0 Kmak, ss 2 0 0 0 extension through the 1993 season. Placed Mike LA Clippers at Cleveland, 7:30 p.m. Neal, p 0 0 0 0 Benjamin, infielder, on the 1 5 d a y disabled list. Denver at Houston, 8:30 p.m. Dykes, pr 0 1 0 0 Placed Andres Santana, infielder on the 60-day Golden State at Phoenix, 9:30 p.m. TOTALS 25 1 2 1 TOTALS 23 2 7 •*1 disabled list. Purchased the contracts of Craig Utah at Portland, 10 p.m. E-Miller, Boulac.LOB-ND 8, ST. X 4. 28- Russell, Fulsom.S-Folsom , Colbert and Jim McNamara, catchers, from Seattle at Sacramento, 10:30 p.m. Boulac. Phoenix of the Pacific Coast League. Announced PITCHING that Rafael Quirico, pitcher, has cleared waivers ST. XAVIER IP H R ER BB SO and has been offered back to the New York Neal 6 7 2 2 4 2 Yankees. Waived Eric Gunderson, pitcher, for the NOTRE DAME purpose of giving him his unconditional release. Linn, (W, 6-7) 7 2 1 1 1 3 Released Rafael Novoa, pitcher. A-000.

J

COLIIMBIA

TAPE CD

BR “LUCKY TOWN” “HUMAN TOUCH” THE NEW ALBUM FEATURING BETTER DAYS. THE NEW ALBUM FEATURING THE TITLE TRACK. THE HAMMES NOTRE DAME BOOKSTORE “on the campus" OPEN MONDAY-SATURDaT 3-5 PRICING GOOD THROUGH 4/10/92 Wednesday, April 1, 1992 The Observer page 13 concern,” MacLeod said. “They miss, a shot, but then they get NIT the ball back.” Cav’s coach NIT finals expert continued from page 16 Virginia forward Bryant Stith By ROLANDO DE AGUIAR With 15 points from Sampson, led his team with 27 points and Associate Sports Editor 13 from Lee Raker and nine 15 rebounds against Florida. from Lamp, the Cavaliers percent. NEW YORK-When Notre downed the Golden Gophers, In the first game with “Stith has a big, tall, rangy Dame faces Virginia tonight in 58-55. Virginia, Notre Dame had some body. He has a knack of going the NIT finals, Cavaliers coach “It was a great feeling to win problems with its man-to-man to the offensive boards, which Jeff Jones will be looking to put the NIT,” said Jones. “I can defense, but MacLeod feels his is something he’ll be able to do his name in the history books remember somebody had some team will find some answers on the next level (NBA) as and on trivia cards. smelly cigars that they passed this time around. well,” MacLeod commented. With a win, Jones would be­ out to the team. I guess that’s “We’ve played man-to-man To be successful, Virginia come the first person to ever supposed to be fun.” all year. There’s no need to must get other people involved win NIT titles as both a coach So Jones will again try to change now,” he explained. in it’s offense. In January and as a player. The second guide his team to the NIT “We are more sure of ourselves freshman guard Corey year Cavalier boss was Championship. As a coach, he and we are playing better team Alexander scored 22 versus the Virginia’s starting point guard has gotten out of the blocks basketball.” Irish. as a sophomore in 1980, when fast, becoming the winningest “The key for us is to get the Cavs defeated Minnesota to first-year head coach in the MacLeod is worried about the something out of the other win their first NIT Atlantic Coast Conference his­ Cavaliers rebounding besides Stith,” John explained. Championship. tory last year, bringing the capabilities, which they showed If Notre Dame can prevent this Cavaliers to the NCAA tourna­ on Monday, when they had a from happening, the Irish “The NIT was the first time a Jeff Jones ment with a 21-11 record. 42-34 advantage over Florida. should be able to celebrate its lot of us came into New York “We really came together At only 31, Jones could have “Rebounding is our main first-ever NIT championship. City,” Jones said Tuesday. “As against Michigan,” said Jones. his name on quite a few trivia far as basketball was con­ “They were forced to go man- cards before his coaching ca­ cerned, we played UNLV, so to-man against us, and that reer is over. there was a lot of excitement meant Ralph Sampson was surrounding that first game (of down low with only one Jones’ freshman assist record the NIT final four).” Michigan player guarding him. was erased by Cavalier starting The Cavaliers’ excitement The game was done at that point guard Cory Alexander in SENIORS turned into production, as Jeff point.” Monday night’s game. Lamp’s 31 points helped After that win, Virginia trav­ Alexander’s career-high nine Virginia outgun the brightest elled to New York and pounded assists gave him 139, breaking star on that Cavalier team. UNLV in the semifinal. Then the Cavs’ freshman record set the Cavs went up against by Jones during the 1978-79 Freshman Ralph Sampson Minnesota in the final, led by season. carried Virginia a long way to­ big men Randy Breur and Kevin Alexander and Junior This is your last ward the NIT title that year, a McHale. Burrough rank as the second- season which set the stage for “The Minnesota game was and third-leading scorers for three straight Naismith Awards. similar to last night’s games,” Virginia, averaging 10.9 and chance to make sure But Sampson first showed off Jo nes recalled. “A re a l defen­ 13.3 points per game, respec­ his postseason leadership sive struggle, without a whole tively. The two freshmen leading the Cavs to the 1981 lot of pretty offensive plays. But played high school ball together, you are in the NCAA Final Four at the 1980 two teams going very hard at as well, leading Oak Hill (Va.) NIT. one another.” A c a d e m y . ______SENIOR CLASS VIDEO! “The conditions made it as close as it was,” noted Boulac. p A I R E D I F A T s m A S T 0 R M U L E T Softball “The ball was hard to handle. Turn in pictures by A I a | T H E K I N G s E N G L I s H continued from page 16 The errors were made on E D P s I M A R ■ s T 0 K senior Melissa Linn needed. throws after they picked the FRIDAY, APRIL 3 to the 0 M A s N I T S S P E T R I Linn breased through the St. ball ou t of puddles. s E T N I I T S M A L T A “Maybe it should have been ■ D E P 0 S E S L A T E S T Xavier lineup, but started to Student Activities loose control as the conditions cancelled earlier, but they came o T I S C A R R I I (from Chicago) and we tried A B A s E D D A Y C A M w orsened. P our best to get the game com­ M 0 N T S T 0 P I o P A R T “It’s hard to pitch in that kind Office - 315 LaFortune U R D E C U R 0 ■ s U E R of weather. Every time I got a pleted. “We did well at the Southern S S R A N I T R A I R T E dry ball, by the time the umpire T H E A F R I C A N Q u E E N threw it back to me it was wet Invitational and wanted to U w I R L s L 0 u D E S T again,” said Linn, who build on that. We wanted to L A T A I N T S m S Y ■ ■ surrendered the only Cougars’ beat somebody we were sup­ run in the sixth. posed to beat and we did.” She finished the game giving The Irish will begin the de­ fense of their two straight up only two hits and one walk, while striking out two, to boost Midwest Collegiate Conference title at home this week­ her record to 6-7. end... weather permitting.

0 Heartland Texas Bar-B-Queand Dance Hall Present* 0 THE MARSHALL TUCKER BAND Live in Concert MERRILL LYNCH 6 CO. CORPORATE FINANCE ANALYST PROGRAM Thursday, April 2,1992 (Chicago Office) Tickets are available forjost $10.00, only at Heartland 222 S. MICHIGAN * DOWNTOWN SOI TH BEND For what's in store * a whole lot morc.,.219-234-5200 £ > The Investment Banking Division at Merrill Lynch recruits recent college graduates into the VOX*) Corporate Finance Analyst Program, where they work with corporations and institutions. The division o - 'tf ’O acts as a financial intermediary between corporations and investors, offering financing alternatives and advisory services. New analysts will talke part in a six-week training program in New York at Merrill Lynch’s World Headquarters before joining the Midwest Industrial Banking Group in Chicago.

While this has traditionally been a two-year position, a number of analysts are invited to remain "No Foolin ' for a third year, and several of these are hired as first-year associates after completing their third year. Happy 21st Birthday When considering candidates for the positions in the firm, we look for a record of outstanding academic achievement, extracurricular involvement, work experience, and demonstrated leadership skills. Successful candidates are articulate, able to write effectively, and able to work well with others. Teri Niederstadt

We look favorably on degrees in all subjects, though some familiarity with accounting, economics, finance, and computers is helpful- Knowledge of these areas suggests an ability to readilv acquire the tools needed for quantitative analytical work.

All of these positions require a commitment to meet a demanding pace as well as the energy to see a project through, often under pressure. Merrill Lynch offers a competitive compensation package and an innovative relocation program.

Potential candidates should submit a resume (no student profiles please) to the Career and Placement Office no later than April 1, 1992, page 14 The Observer Wednesday, April 1, 1992 SMC tennis gets burned by Flames SPORTS BRIEFS ■Sports Briefs are accepted in writing during business hours defeat Chrissy Stone, falling 6- /Lurcina duo, 6-3, 7-5. By KILEY COBLE Sunday through Friday at the Observer office on the third floor of Sports Writer 1, 6-1. Sophomore Thayma Cosgrove and Ayres lost to LaFortune. Please submit your name, brief, telephone number, Darby gave Mary White a hard Rausa/Watson, 6-4, 6-4 , in the and the dates the brief is to run. The Saint Mary’s tennis time in the fifth spot, but was number two spot. And the third team(6-5) lost 2-7 yesterday unable to come out on top, los­duo of Darby/McGinn had their ■The Rockne Pool will be closed until further notice due to against the University of ing 6-4, 3-6, 7-5. first lost of the season to Stone repairs. Rolfs Aquatic Center is open Mon-Fri from 7 a.m. to 4 Illinios-Chicago. and Thrope, 6-3, 4-6, 7-6, (7-4). p.m. and Sat-Sun from 1 p.m. to 10:30 p.m. The Flames, coached by Freshman Andrea Ayres “We played well. The match Marla Matt, are a strong added to her new impressive is more than the scores show.”, ■Irish HeartlightS Spring 3 and 6 mile runs are scheduled for Division I contender. Illinios- string of wins, topping her op­ Nester said. April 9 at 4 p.m. Students and staff can pick up entry forms at Chicago has improved their ponent, Elana Thrope, 7-5, 6-4. The Belles will be travelling RecSports, LaFortune Info desk, and the Dining Halls. For more women’s tennis program this In doubles play, Mayer and on Sunday to compete against information, call 239-6100 and ask for Sally. year, recruiting four players to Koscielski lost to the White Bowling Green State University. fill their top positions. who don’t have their In singles play, number one ■Bookstore Basketball team captains schedules stop by the S U B. office on the second floor of senior Ellen Mayer lost to Mara Lurcina, 6-1, 6-4. Ranked in LaFortune to pick up a copy of the schedules and a team list for your team. Preliminaries start on Monday. the second position, senior ■ i l ■■ -1 Marie Koscielski found a tough competitor in Janet Rausa, los­ ■Bookstore Basketball participants accept Commish Kevin McGee’s challenge and be at Stepan Court at 5:00 to see him in his ing 6-0, 6-2. boxers in a game of lonl against all comers. Sophomore Mary Cosgrove, ■Bookstore Basketball prelims this week. Rain or shine, the ranked third, was successful 6- action ison the courts! Extra schedules and team lists at the SUB 4, 6-2 against Wana ‘Ao offic. (Found: wristwatch on Stepan court 5, call xl224 to I.D. it. Watson. Watson played in the first position last year when ■Sports Talk returns tonight at 8 p.m. on WVFI after a long Saint Mary’s defeated Illinios- hiatus. Call in to congratulate new Sports Director Noah Cooper or Chicago 8-1. to say goodbye to Nick Campanella and Mike Pfarrer. According to Nester, Cosgrove ■Referees are needed for Bookstore XXI games. Anyone played well and consistently. interested should contact Bobby at 283-3515 of Patrick at 283- “She had a strong serve and 4078 by April 6. was tough at first, but then I just got used to it.”, Cosgrove said. Junior Natalie Kloepfer, The Observer/M. Schroop ranked fourth, was unable to A St. Mary’s tennis player returns a serve in a recent match. Happy 21st Birthday to our April Fool's Baby. Love, Mom, Dad, and Mark •w.1 j 4_A_UI Arabic at the University of Notre Dame It is spoken by over 180 million people in the Middle East and North Africa. It is the devotional language of more than one billion Muslims. It is the language of a region of the world of crucial international importance. It is the ancestral language of more than 5 million Americans. Introduction to Modem Arabic MLAR 101 / Fall 1992 MWF 12:15-1:05

Dept, of Classical and Oriental Lang. The University of Notre Dame

THE TOP 5 DIFFERENCES BETWEEN SWP SYR FOR POSITION ONLY #5. NO NAVY BLAZERS AND KHAKI PANTS AT SWP.

#4. AT SWP, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DANCE TO FAST SONGS.

#3. NO NEED FOR WITTY, IDLE CHATTER TO KEEP DATE INTERESTED AT SWP.

#2. AT SWP, YOUR DATE WILL COME BACK FROM THE BATHROOM.

#1. YOU'LL HAVE A GOOD TIME AT SWP !!! SUNDRY, APRIL 26 7:30 RM MORRIS CIUIC AUDITORIUM ALL SEATS RESERVED: $ I 9.50 SWP-STUDENT WORLD PREMIERES AVAILABLE AT THE AUDITORIUM BOH OFFICE, the best In student film and video from n.dL communication & theatre TRACKS,ORBIT RECORDS. AND WORLD RECORDS WEDNESDAY APRIL FOOL'S DAY-7:00 & 9:00 PM AT THE SNITE CHARGE: 2 8 4 -9 1 9 0 admission $2 SMC SURV 5K RACE Dalloway's Coffee House For Runners and Walkers Everywhere Jeanne Rodes — A Poetry Reading Thursday, April 2 3:30p.m. Angela Friday, April 3 4p.m. Registration starts 3:10p.m. with a $3 fee. Respect Our Mother Earth- Door Prizes Will Be Awarded! BringYour Own Coffee Mug! Questions? Contact Kelly 284-5442 Today Wednesday, April 1,1992 page 19

SRELUNKER JAY HOSIER CROSSWORD

H i,B e m ,t h is is HANK? CO U L O l CALL How LONG, UNTIL He ? ! f { ® YOU RI6HT BACK? M V HE NOT Busy FRlDAV.I. PARENTS ARE ON THE m LINE TO CHANCE OR NUMBEf

a#

CALVIN AND HOBBES BILL WATTERSON

© 1992 Warterson/Distributed by Universal Press Syndicate MX TIGER IS DEEP WS KEEN EXES ARE GLINTING.1 IN SOMNOLENT SLEEP, RE DREAMS OF A SPRINTING d r e a m in g o p c h a s e s SAM8AR YltiO'LL SOON BE REMEMBERED/ DISMEMBERED/

' V " "

© Edward Julius Collegiate CW84-30 z s L l/ z K ip ACROSS 40 ------and Joan 14 Have a runny nose 41 F a u c e t 15 Game-show prize 1 Chair part 43 Levitate 17 Work with hair li 6 ------p o t a t o e s 44 African capital 20 Head inventory 11 Soviet peninsula 45 Spanish painter 23 Pet ------13 Plant parts 46 K id d ie 24 Like Eric 15 "------With My Aunt" 47 Mr. Bogarde, et al. 26 Jabs THE FAR SIDE GARY LARSON SPIN 16 Annoy greatly 48 O u t f i t 27 Damp and humid JOHN MONKS 18 Stirs up 49 Send forth 29 Make e csta tic 19 ------Buck 51 Show of recognition 30 Rosemary and 21 Slapstick prop 53 Shows anger b a s il 22 Bridge words 54 Dissolved substance 32 Advocates of 23 Arctic explorer 55 Force units correct language 24 Russian river 56 College in Maine 33 Rich cake 25 J a i l 34 Expressions peculiar 26 Lois Lane's boss, DOWN to a language —— W h ite 35 ------relaxation 27 Charlton Heston 1 W r ite r s 36 Part o f a pool table r o l e 2 Type of candy 37 ------mile 28 Farsighted female 3 R e sid e d 38 Military gestures 30 Rush violently 4 Iowa college town 40 Compulsion 31 Tennis term 5 ------A v iv 42 ------organ 32 Cribbage need 6 Traffic circle 44 Championship 33 Long, abusive 7 ------to w e r 45 Social event s p e e c h 8 R in g le t 47 Repair 36 A c to r ------M ered ith 9 Hardwood 48 ------monster 39 Playwright Clifford 10 Most profound 50 Negative reply J 12 S la n d e r 52 Mr. Petrie

LECTURES Wednesday

12:15 p.m. Lenten Series 1992 Honoring the Sisters of the Holy Cross, “Seeking God in the Marketplace,” Patricia Vandenberg, C.S.C., president, Holy Cross Health Systems. Sponsored by Center for Spirituality, Saint Mary's College. Stapleton Lounge, LeMans Hall, Saint Mary’s College. While vacationing in Africa, Pinocchio has his God is almost ready to open the world for longtime wish to be a real boy suddenly and business — but first He makes sure the midwest 3:30 p.m. Aerospace and Mechanical Engineering Seminar, unexpectedly granted. Is really really flat “Smart Wing Structures, Design for the Future,” Terrence Weishaar, professor, School of Aeronautics and Astronautics, Purdue University. Sponsored by Aerospace and Mechanical Engineering. Room 356, Fitzpatrick Hall of Engineering. MENU CAMPUS Wednesday 7:30 p.m. Hesburgh Program in Public Service Third Annual Notre Dame Saint Mary's Policy Colloquium: “Recovering the Dream: Is Affirmative 6 p.m. Presentation for United Conveyor Corporation. All Action an Appropriate Policy for the 1990s?” Panel on S pinach & C heese Batter Fried Perch students scheduled to interview are invited. Sponsored by Affirmative Action in Education: Betty Vetter, executive Tortellini w/ Cheese Enchiladas Career and Placement Services. Foster Room, LaFortune. director, Commission on Professionals in Science and M ushroom s Vegetable Stir-Fry 8 p.m. Discussion: “Sharing Jerusalem: The Political and Technology, Washington, D C.; Howard Adams, executive Baked Red Fish Religious Challenge.” Speakers are Yehezkel Landau director, National Consortium for Graduate Degrees for Sirloin Steak (Jerusalem) and David Burrell, CSC (Notre Dame). Sponsored Minorities in Engineering and Science; and Gary Hunter, Sandw ich by Department of Theology. Hesburgh Library Auditorium. director, Department of Affirmative Action and Human 8 p.m. African Film Festival, “The Best of South Africa Resource Development, Miami University, Ohio. Sponsored News.” Sponsored by African-American and African Studies by Hesburgh Program in Public Service. Auditorium, Galvin Program. Center for Social Concerns. Life Science Center. Sophomore Literary TAN TA-S1A Thursday, April 2 f e s t iv a l 8 PM & 10=30 PM

1993 Committee Applications BUGSY Due April 10 Friday, April 3 Saturday, April 4 8 PM & 10=30 PM

Cushing Auditorium Applications available from Barb at the Student Admission Is $2. Government Office STUDENT UNION BOARD Sports page/date Wednesday, April 1,1992

JENNY St. Xavier, weather no MARTEN match for streaking Irish On Top By JIM VOGL bottom of the second with a of Sports Assistant Sports Editor slap-bunt single. Amy Folsom methodically advanced her to Through the cold drizzling second with a sacrifice bunt. Names highlight . rain, the Notre Dame softball Stephanie Pinter drove her team (14-12) emerged victori­ home with a single. bookstore excitement o u s , b e a tin g D iv isio n II St. In the second, Notre Dame’s Xavier 2-1. The second game offense went to work again. The world’s largest outdoor basketball of the scheduled double-header Amy Miller, subbing for Carrie tournament started play yesterday at was cancelled. Miller in left-field, reached base various sites around the Notre Dame “The field held up well with a slap-bunt. Sherri Quinn campus. As always, the tournament through about the first four in­ hit a long fly to center, advanc­ provides some thought provoking team nings,"said Irish coach Brian ing Miller to third. The run names (or at least those that make it past Boulac, who has seen two home came in on a wild pitch by the censors) for everyone’s enjoyment. games and two away games al­ Cougars’ pitcher Heidi Neal. No, this won’t be another one of those ready washed from his “She tried to throw a riser top ten lists that all unoriginal schedule already, “But at that and it just got away from her,” Observerites love to write when we can’t point we could tell we couldn’t explained Boulac. Neal surren­ think of anything better, but rather a play the second game even if it dered two runs, seven hits and mental wandering. As 1 read over the list stopp ed.” four walks through six innngs. of 704 team names, I found a few that Before things got too sloppy, The Observer/J. Bingham Those two runs were all Irish just made me go hmmm. the Irish jumped out to an early Some of the names made me wish that A strong defensive effort keyed Notre Dame’s 2-1 win. lead. Ronny Alvarez led off the see SOFTBALL/ page 13 my team was scheduled to play those teams in the opening rounds. For example, team number 17, “One guy, an­ Irish, Cavs to battle for NIT title other guy, and three other guys.” Any team that can come up with a name as By MIKE SCRUDATQ blatantly unoriginal as that makes me Sports Editor wonder. Team number 40, “The top 5 reasons to give to the United Way” and NEW YORK - A fter Notre Dame w as team number 45, “Spot us 19 and We’ll pummeled by Virginia, 83-56 on Kick Your Butt” also sound very scary. January 18 to fall to 5-8, who would These teams sound like the have thought the Irish would get a quintessential underachieving, apathetic chance to avenge the thrashing in the teams that really don’t expect to make it NIT championship game? past the first round, but plan to have one Tonight the Irish (18-14) face the helluva good time along the way, an Cavaliers (19-13) at 9 p.m. for the 55th objective of my team and the majority of NIT title. The game will be televised teams participating. by ESPN. Father Burchaell, Wilt Chamberlain, “They shut down a lot of things we and HPC made several team names as wanted to do (in the first game), “ Irish did the the Ross brothers. Here are some coach John MacLeod said. “We of my personal favorites that really cause couldn’t get anything to go down, and I me wonder to wonder what type of people thought them up. ■ Virginia coach Jeff Jones is familiar “Magic Johnson, Wilt Chamberlain, with NIT title games/page13 McDonald’s and 2 other guys who served over 20,000,” “Jon, Joe, Dr. Kevorkian we couldn’t contain them.” and 2 other guys that remind me of “Our players have high regard for suicide,” “Fr. B’s Study Group,” “HPC, Virginia, but are they confident? Yes, Hannibal Lechter, Jeff Dahmer, and 2 they a re .” other guys who will take you to lunch, ” Cavaliers coach Jeff Jones realizes “Clarence Thomas, the Ross twins, and 2 that the first match up will have little other guys who shouldn’t be on the ^effect on tonight’s final. court,” and my all-time favorite, “Wilt “That was just one of those games,” Chamberlain’s Love Children.” Jones commented. “There was no way Here’s a few more which really make we thought we were 27 points better me muse (something my Arts and Legos than Notre Dame.” brain is used to) and which I really like Both teams will rely on defense to because they are so topical. carry them to the NIT title. •“5 monkeys that fly out of Wayne’s “Last night’s game told the story of b u tt” our season,” Jones said. “We shot •“If you think we’re tough, you should poorly, but played well on the defensive see the guy at the ticket window if you e n d .” don’t have your Visa ” “We will have to continue to do the •“The Leaking Implants” job on defense and make them (Notre •“Tsudents for Tsongas” Dame) work for everything.” •“Pee-Wee Herman’s school of Notre Dame’s defense has carried Ballhandling ” them to the finals as Irish opponents in 1 » This column wouldn’t be complete the NIT have shot a combined 35 The Observer/J. Peters without listing these gems: Laphonso Ellis, show here in the regular season matchup against Virginia, will lead the “How many outs does it take to get a see NIT/page 13 Irish in their attempt to earn the school’s first ever NIT championship. touchdown,” “2.0=B.A.,” “You can’t spell rat without R.A.,” “Five guys who beat Detroit Mercy,” “Hypothetical Sex,” and Lacrosse wins third straight over Ohio-Wesleyan the name that scares me the most, “U better B nice to us, We Make Your Food. ” By GEORGE DOHRMANN To open the fourth, Colley continued Why ask why. Sports Writer his barrage, scoring consecutive goals and diminishing any hopes of a The Notre Dame lacrosse team earned comeback by the Bishops. Schirf and its first win ever over Ohio-Wesleyan , Tom O’Brien finished off the scoring topping the Bishops 11-5 at Selby Field with assists from Colley. INSIDE SPORTS yesterday. While the Notre Dame offense notched up another double-digit scoring effort, Randy Colley’s hat trick, led a the Irish defense held the Bishops to ■ SMC tennis falls to Illinios- balanced Irish scoring attack which was their lowest scoring output of the complemented by the best performance season. OWU was held to only 34 shots Chicago of the season by the Notre Dame on goal see page 14 defense. Robbie Snyder scored two goals in the Both teams entered the matchup with first period, giving the Irish a lead they hopes of improving upon their 3-3 ■ SMC to face Hope College would never relinquish. record, but only the Irish climbed above Randy Colley the .500 mark. see page 12 The second period exemplified the The win was the first in twelve tries defensive nature of the game. A paltry scoring in the second half. His second against OWU, a streak of futility which thirteen shots on goal by both teams goal was followed by followed by scores stretched back to 1981. It also was the ■ Tyson heads to jail resulted in only one score. Irish captain from senior Brian Schirf and Willie third win in the row for the Irish, a list see page 12 Mike Sullivan tallied his first of two Sutton. Nineteen seconds before the end which includes wins over Lake Forest goals in the game, putting Notre Dame of the third period Colley scored the and nationally ranked Hofstra. up 3-1 at the half. first of his goals to raise the Irish lead to The Irish face Denison Saturday in Sullivan started an explosion of7-3. search of their fourth straight win. NOTRE DAM! Still stuck in the dark ages r * r \ The Absurder The Absurder Salnl M m 'i Convent NOTRE LAME • INDIANA

VOL. 150 NO. 69 April Fool's Day, 1992

THE INDEPENDENT NEWSPAPER MISQUOTING NOTRE DAME FOR 151 YEARS (AND SAINT MARY'S CAN PISS OFF) College of Business vows to end cheating Dean looks toward varsity athletes to shine as beacons of honesty By I. DIDNT DOIT committees and personal inter­ know, and will receive corre­ tions found the football players you,’” Holtz said. News Plagiarizer views, and have found all mem­ spondence credit for their ef­ innocent of any improprieties. Most of the students expelled bers of the college except the forts.” “These guys should stand as from the college were found In a surprise move, the Col­ men on the football team guilty The announcement leaves just role models for the rest of this guilty of cheating on depart­ lege of Business Administration of violations,” said Dean John 80 students in the college. school. And I don’t mean that mental exams. Clues that viola­ announced yesterday the expul­ K eane. “These kids have always com­ just because they’re bigger than tions were taking place in­ sion of every business plained about big classes, so m e.” cluded one mass exodus to the student—except members of the All the students in the college they should be glad this hap­ Football players make up the bathroom during an accounting football team—for cheating and on the women’s volleyball team pened,” Keane added. top one percent of students in test and several finance exams unethical behavior. have also left the University, but Still, the ratio of students to the college, with a grade point done in loopy handwriting and College officials said they re­ for strictly personal reasons. professors will remain at 70:1. average of 3.5. Their success in blue magic marker. gretted the decision but felt that “There is no reason to suspect To counter the effects of the the college, especially the mar­ they had to take a stand to these ladies were involved in expulsion, the college will offer keting and management de­ Additionally, the fact that 95 show the community their anything suspicious or out offewer classes next semester and partm ents, doesn’t surprise percent of the students on one commitment to academic excel­ the ordinary. They’ve left Notre only nine sections of “Business Irish Coach Lou Holtz. introductory marketing exam lence. Dame to tend to their personal E thics.” “I always tell them, ‘Do what answered “all of the above” to “We’ve looked into this businesses at home. These you have to do to get by, do it every trick question led college through several honor code ladies are entrepreneurs, you Keane said that the investiga­ just like the girl sitting next to officials to the culprits. Three dead after Commons riot

By JOHN HOLMES 42, were confirmed victims of said Moon. Almost-Legal the incident. Friends of the injured at­ Common’s Correspondent Percy, of John MacCleod-look- tempted to contact the police alike-fame, was the first to from the phone inside the bar, Three died and dozens were attack the blood-thirsty hoard but were restrained by Bar­ injured when a hoard of mad with a cry of “Thunderdome! tender Joe Tangle. South Bend residents engaged Two teams enter, one team Tangle later admitted to in a brutal battle with hundreds leaves. Long live South Bend police officers that of Notre Dame students outside Thunderdome!” he did not allow those in The The Commons, 826 North Eddy, He was later found scalped. Commons to use the phone be­ early yesterday morning. Age and Glendilla were killed cause of explicit tavern policy Witnesses estimated that ap­ during later brawling, when restricting phone use to those proximately 75 seemingly in­ they were struck by the car of a not consuming alcohol, includ­ sane persons approached the South Bend policeman. ing those under age 21. bar approximately 1:15 a.m., “They were underage,” Tan­ taunting those inside with er­ Authorities arrived on the gle said. “I just wanted to keep rant jeers about the Ross twins. scene at 2:24 a.m. Notre Dame my job." Over 100 students and faculty Security reported that all units In other Commons news: poured out of the front door were in the process of trans­ • Four Regina Hall residents armed with plastic pitchers and porting deep bruise victims to reported watching 11 men uri­ beer steins, and dozens of Memorial Hospital for treat­ nate on the side of the facility. hand-to-hand fights ensued. m ent. Implicated in the report, one Neither the origin, the desti­ S.U.D.S. Sgt. James Moon re­ male said, “They piss on us all nation nor the motives of the ported that the excise police the time inside, why shouldn’t mob was immediately evident. were breaking up two large we return the favor?" gatherings on N otre Dam e Ave. Police could not comment on Three people died and several were injured yesterday when a riotTwo Notre Dame students, Gunther Age, 20, and Strom “We seized three empty kegs of the report as they were erupted outside of The Commons. Despite the chaos, Commons owner Glendilla, 22, as well as one Little Kings Cream Ale and ar­ indisposed at the time of the Pasquale would not let a dying student in the bar to call the police. Commons regular, James Percy, rested two for consumption,” incident. Loretto goes 70s with Disco decor

By BELLE BOTTOM depiction of the 12 apostles. Church Goer Both students and sisters alike enjoyed the service and felt the new church was The opening ceremony of the “newly” an improvement over the old church. renovated Church of Loretto was held “I felt the new church was nifty,” said yesterday. Buffy Brady, a Saint Mary’s freshman. “I The originally planned renovations don’t know what people were so worried were altered to include 1970s disco deco. about. The renovation committee did a Upon entering the Church, visitors now groovy job updating the Church.” pass through strands of love beads in Members of the renovation committee place of the very heavy doors. have claimed that now that students have In order to overcome lighting concerns, seen the changes, they appreciate them a series of lava lamps and strobe lights just as the committee had stated they have been incorporated in the design in would. order to add light and enhance the “Students were looking to preserve atmosphere. tradition without realizing that a move A disco ball now hangs over the alter into this century would be beneficial,” which now serves as a disco dance floor said Sister Mary Travolta. “Now students in the center of the church. Thirty foot realize that the new understanding of the speakers have been added to overcome liturgy and the church as a community or the acoustical problems of the old Church commune, they will enjoy mass more, complete with a selection of hits of the and begin to live as a community based 1970s ranging from Van Morrison to the on free love.” Village People. One student suggested that the name of Orange shag carpet has been laid over the Church should be changed in order to the marble flooring and pews have been preserve a new tradition. “I believe we replaced by the more comfortable bean should change the name from Church of bag chairs and hammocks. Loretto to the Commune of Loretto or An artist’s rendition in velvet of the Club Loretto,” said Lori Partrige, a Saint Stations of the Cross have been added Mary’s junior. “That way we could begin over the mosaics. Velvet portraits of Elvisa new tradition dedicated to the The Absurder/Animal Lovin’ Crack Smokin' Photographer and Saint Mary’s President William preservation of the 1970s and the new Just Ducky Hickey also adorn the walls of Loretto. church. Due to a lack of squirrel photos, The Absurder is pleased to present our rendition of the While controversy over the windows Father Barry Manilow dedicated the Rockne Memorial Stadium if it had giant swans in it. While normal sized swans can rose to enormous propositions theChurch in an opening ceremony, where in often be seen by the lakes on sunny days, rainy days often bring giant swans to the committee decided to replace the 18th the spirit of the decor, he abandoned the stadium. Tonights weather is expected to be rainy, and by the way, the stadium is still and 19th century windows with more traditional religious dress in favor of a being considered for renovations. updated versions incorporating nude polyester leisure suit. page 2 The Absurder April Fool's Day, 1992 INSIDE JOKE TODAY’S NEWS FOR TOMORROW’S BIRDCAGE Gridiron convicts reach new heights for a while, Ramsay replied, “Of course. Why else would Farr says: ■ NOTRE DAME—This year’s Notre we be so stupid to lose all that money on him?” Student Dame football team has broken another Body Vice-President David Florenzo refused to comment, record—the number of team but did say he and the Cult’s frontman, Ian Astbury, have Just do it arrests/disciplinary actions has reached a been “spending long monogamous evenings together,” new high, according to Athletic Director since the concert. Richard "Dick” Rosenthal. “We re so proud of our boys,” Rosenthal said. “We Kirk unveils custom latex sheaths ■NOTRE DAME—Assistant Vice-President for Student Due to the success of my thought Mike (Stonebreaker) and Tony Affairs William “The Boy Wonder” Kirk disclosed plans on recent columns suggesting (Brooks) would hold the record for some time, but this Tuesday to launch his own line of latex condoms. Called alternate lifestyles for the year’s team really came through,” he added. The team broke the old record when Senior Troy Ridgely was “Billies for Your Willies,” the new condoms will feature uptight Catholics on this arrested for the 14th time—this time for throwing pretzels Kirk’s picture on the tip and will reveal more of his campus, I’ve decided to in Basix. University President Father Edward “Monk” qualifications the further they are rolled down. “I figured offer you—my loyal Malloy refused to comment on the issue. I’d cash in on all my popularity,” Kirk said in a news fans—another dose of my conference at the Infirmary. He added that if the Billies are unique theories. Burtchaell to assume new position successful, he’ll introduce a similar product for tall guys Today I present The Farr Smortz ■ NOTRE DAME—Father James Burtchaell has been with big ears called “Monk’s Punks.” No comment yet from Ten Commandments Voyeur appointed the new rector of Pangborn Hall, according to William “Gimme A” Hickey. (according to Farr): ------Dennis Moore, director of Public Relations and L adies of the Notre Dame/Saint Mary’s Information. Moore said Burtchaell was being put in Profs upset about smoking rule, dude community, you shall have no other gods to rivalcharge of the newly-designated women’s dorm to “keep ■NOTRE DAME—Professors in the Peace Studies and PLS department are decrying the University’s new anti­ me. him out of trouble.” Burtchaell will serve as rector of smoking degree as a means of discrimination against their Women, you shall masturbate (yes, ignore Pangborn for ten years, but with good behavior could be majors. “How are we supposed to recruit new students if those uptight nuns who told you you were “dirty moved to Zahm as early as 1995, Moore said. University President Father Edward “Monk ” Malloy refused to the image of the cigarette-smoking, baja-wearing, down there”) to carved images, velvet paintings comment on the issue. LaForune-hanging-out-in crunchy is robbed of its central or any likeness of me. focus?” said one professor who wished to be called only You shall not misuse the name of Farr, your HPC calls on local poor for help “Dude.” Huddle and Waddick’s regulars are also quite god. You may not, however, become upset if I ■NOTRE DAME— 1992-93 HPC Co-Chair Marianne Ravry angry. “They’re turning this campus into one big, sterile call you the wrong name—after all, you’re just announced today that not only will HPC have their dinners Allegro,” said one PLS major who refused to be identified another piece of chocolate cake. paid for by the student body next year, but poor South by anything other than “The Philosopher King.” University Remember the Sabbath day and keep it Bend residents will be arrested and forced to serve the President Father Edward “Monk ” Malloy refused to holy—after all, you’ll be tired after breaking Council the food. “You don’t expect us to carry aroundcomment on the issue, but the debate still smolders. parietals on Saturday night. trays, do you?” Ravry said. University President Father Honor your father and your mother, well just Edward “Monk” Malloy refused to comment on the issue. Hickev baas out on the press—again ■NOTRE DAME—Caving into pressure from the press to your mother who I’ll admit I lust after. be more accessible, Saint Mary’s College President William You shall not kill unless someone steals your Monk still alive: some have doubts —Father E. William “Kegger” “Give Me A” Hickey called a press conference in LeMans on chocolate cake. ■ NOTRE DAME Beauchamp, executive vice president of the University, saidTuesday. Hickey did not show up, however, and sent You shall not commit adultery. NOT! on Tuesday that University President Father Edward Director of Public Relation Brett McLaughlin in his place. You shall not steal unless someone else’s “Monk” Malloy is indeed still alive. Beauchamp even gave McLaughlin answered reporters’ questions while wearing a chocolate cake looks really tempting. The Observer a picture of Malloy playing basketball shirt that said, “I’m a Hickey! You’re a Hickey! Wouldn’t You shall not give false evidence against your outdoors with a little calendar next to him that said You Like to Be a Hickey, Too!?” Notre Dame President neighbor unless she’s one of those really, “March 31, 1992. ” Doubts about the photo’s authenticity Father Edward "Monk” Malloy refused to comment. narrow-minded Catholic types. (But of course arose, however, when reporters noticed both St. Michael’s you won’t find any of those at Notre Dame or Laundry and Green Field in the background. Saint Mary’s Keenan season officially over Saint Mary’s.) College President William “Gimme A ” Hickey refused to ■NOTRE DAME—Notre Dame and Saint Mary's women, You shall not covet your neighbor’s housecomment on the issue. after months of kissing up to Keenan Hall residents, have unless he’s got a really sweet waterbed. officially gone back to dating real men. According to Paige Smoron, campus gossip columnist, ’’Keenan season is You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife ifSUB and Kravitz—more close ties over.” Smoron explained that each year from December to she’s say more like cherry pie. ■NOTRE DAME—Former SUB Manager Lynn Ramsay told The Observer that she and rock/funk singer Lenny March campus women kiss up to Keenan men in hopes of And please dear followers, above all Kravitz were wed in a private ceremony in Stepan Center getting tickets to the Keenan Review. “I'm so happy I don't remember Farr’s Golden Rule: JUST DO IT! on Sunday. When asked if the wedding had been planned have to hang around that dorky dorm anymore.”

SECURITY BEAT-OFF

MON. MARCH 30 could have disappeared as long as five years ago, but 9:52 p.m. Fourteen students reported being accosted 11:35 a.m. A case of Diet Coke was reported stolen no one has noticed he was gone until today. by a man in a blue jogging suit on Saint Mary’s Rd. from the Office of the Vice President for Student Affairs. 2:40 a.m. While investigating suspicious activity in Security was unavailable to respond and no suspects 4:23 p.m. Notre Dame Security escorted a North the Security Building, Notre Dame Security found were apprehended. Dining Hall worker to St. Joseph’s Hospital after the several officers in violation of the University’s alcohol 9: 53 p.m. The residents of Knott Hall reported a mass victim fell into a vat of meatless baked ziti. policy. When questioned, the officers said that they murder and several rapes. Security was unavailable to 12:48 a.m. A Notre Dame male reported hearing bed were just showing some students from LaFortune howrespond and no suspects were apprehended. springs squeaking in the room above his as a possible silly they looked drinking while working. 9:55 p.m. A Theodore’s manager requested that a violation of Du Lac. The call was disregarded by woman had gone into labor and needed transportation Security, since sexual activity does not occur at this WED., APRIL 1 to St. Joseph’s Hospital. Security was unavailable to re­ University. 9:44 p.m. The entire Notre Dame Security Force spond. responded to a report that two students were sitting in 10 p.m. Students in the Grace Hall reported the theft TUE., MARCH 31 front of the Administration Building to protest DART. of 500 wallets, 500 stereos, 70 Orange Bowl champion Noon Notre Dame Security would like to congratu­ 9:48 p.m. A student reported that white males had rings, 500 class rings and 500 “Top 10 Reasons Beer is late the parking lot patrol for issuing 253 parking cita­ exposed themselves in each aisle of the D-2 parking lot. Better than Girls ” t-shirts. Security was unavailable to tions yesterday. This broke the old record of 237 park­ Security was unavailable to respond and no suspects respond, and no suspects were apprehended. ing citations issued during last year’s commencement were apprehended. 10:32 p.m. Two students were escorted from the ceremony. 9:49 p.m. Carroll Hall residents reported that their steps of the Administration Building to St. Joseph’s 1:56 p.m. Missing person report: University officials dorm was engulfed in flames. Security was unavailable Hospital for treatm ent of lacerations and several reported the loss of their president. The president to respond, and the building was destroyed. broken bones incurred at the demonstration.

Today’s Staff

News The Hammes Notre Dame Bookstore "On The Campus Bill ‘Research’ Beauchamp Sports Patty ‘Sweet do’ O’Hara Announces two great new products! Letters We Feel Like Printing Ed ‘You can’t find me’ Malloy Administration Blow-Up Dolls THE HPC DIET! Photography Bill ‘Shutterbug’ Hickey That’s right! Get an inflatable companion This softcover guide helps you learn Production that looks just like your favorite how to eat like craz y and still not pay a Bill ‘The Jerk’ Kirk administrator! No more lonely nights! cent! You’ll even get a bonus chapter, Advertising Now you can curl up with your favorite “How to Be Publicly Abrasive” by HPC Rich ‘Money Money Money’ Rosenthal campus boss and do exactly to them badboy Rich Delevan. what they do to us! Now for only 15.95! Only $19.95 each! Hall Presidents and newly-elected Try a Monk, a Beauchamp, or even an Student Body Officers can pick up their Note: This is only a joke. If you are annoyed by anything in this issue, face it: YOU HAVE NO O’Meara. Sorry, all the Patty O’Haras complimentary copies at the SENSE OF HUMOR! are sold out. Don’t worry, there on order! photo desk of the Bookstore. Letters We Feel Like Printing April Fool's Day, 1992 page 3

AS IF YOU CARED LETTERS WE AGREE WITH We're on a Student to return with new views, body Dear Editor: few surgical procedures. Interracial Dating. In order to share my experi­ Second, I want to work with soapbox.. .Again It has been a long time since I ences with the rest of the cam­ the University’s Counseling and have written. After leaving the pus, I decided to reapply to the Psychological Services Center to In an effort to set the record straight The Absurder has University last semester, I did University, as a white woman. I set up a phone help line for decided to let our readers know exactly where we stand on some soul searching. I spent a am proud to say that I have those considering sex changes, the issues. lot of time trying to discover the been readmitted and will be a 239-SNIP. Third, Theodore’s Things we feel strongly about: real me. resident assistant in Pangborn will host a cross-dressing fash­ I have travelled the country Hall this fall. ion show. • We are against rape. with my new spiritual gurus, After all that has gone on, I However, my big project is a • We are against crime at the Five Corners. the Reverend A1 Sharpton and have obviously also decided to support group called Students • We are against the alcohol policy and parietals. Molly Yard. After talking to change my major to gender Without Arousable Privates or • We are for the honor code, especially its even people from the bayous of studies with a concentration in SWAP. enforcement. Louisiana to the potato farms of minority affairs. I look forward to returning in Idaho, I learned what was As a women who likes to the fall. Insincerely, I have • We are for the freedom of all squirrels on this campus. wrong with my life. speak her mind, I have several never been • We are for total jackasses speaking at commencement. I needed help learning how to projects which I am planning to • And most of all we are for better relations between understand and relate to other begin in September. First, I Paulene Peralez Notre Dame and Saint Mary's. people. Fortunately, my hope to organize a lecture Soon to be in Pangborn Things we sort of feel strongly about: problem was corrected with a series beginning in the fall on April 1, 1992 • We are against the recession. • We are against the weather in South Bend. GLND/SMC no longer patronized • We are against Lenny Kravitz, the Cult, and Howie Mandel—if they are brought in by SUB. Dear Editor: •Over the summer, the Uni­ •Monk and I will wear special • We are for safe havens. versity will renovate the base­ GLND/SMC access-only beepers As we are aware that the sta­ ment of the library to be opened to make sure we are in 24-hour • We are for the freedom of chalk writing for all human tus of Gays and Lesbians at in the fall as the GLND/SMC a day contact with the group. beings. Notre Dame and Saint Mary’s social center and multisexual • We are for the freedom to socialize in LaFortune Student (GLND/SMC) h as b een an issue center. The list goes on and on. We Center. of concern among the student •The group will receive free want to make certain the com­ Things we don’t really care about: bodies, we would like to an­ advertising and the use of any munity realizes our sincerity nounce that as of today, April 1, and all University logos in all and commitment to making • The spread of AIDS on campus, why should we, the 1992, the University has campus publications, the Na­ GLND/SMC th e best stud en t o r­ University doesn’t. formally recognized the group tional Review, and Common­ ganization on campus. » The growth of ND as a research institution, since the as a sanctioned club with full w eal. football program will always carry the rest of the school. club status. •Group leaders will be named Sincerely, I wish I was To accommodate the group as to the Board of Trustees and » That HPC binges every week; after all, the homeless it grows and flourishes, the will have two votes each. Patronizing O’Hara shelter gets enough money from our school and Domino’s. University has committed itself •Pangborn and the Vice President » That Monk is still alive; after all who would notice the to undertaking the following Administration Building will be for Student and Faculty Mem­ difference. tasks: made safe havens. ber Affairs The Monkster establishes safe havens for sinners who smoke Dear Editor: cation of the locations where it 3. The Common’s parking lot. in the Notre Dame community. 2. For a second offense, is still permissible to smoke. Smokers 16 years and older are For those who would like to the guilty party will be tarred Recently, the University’s Task In this letter, I would like to encouraged to use The Com­ take this opportunity to give up and feathered. He or she will Force on Smoking presented its list the five locations in the mon’s lot to inhale, but are also smoking, the University will then be made to stand in 2594 page report to the Michiana area where the Uni­ asked to bring protective bul­ have a temporary nicotine gum LaFortune and pass out flyers Administration and the Board versity of Notre Dame Adminis­ letproof clothing and a cellular dispenser placed in the Univer­ for the American Lung Associa­ of Trustees. Along with the tration will allow the members phone. sity Health Services building for tion that say Do you want your report, the University Task of the community to smoke: 4. The third booth on the two days. lungs to look like me?’ Force on Smoking submitted a right and second stall in the These guidelines have been 3. For each subsequent list of recommendations. The 1. The far left corner of boat men’s bathroom in the Library added to Du Lac, as well as the violation, the offender will be University decided to put into dock on the St. Joseph’s Lake. Pit, but only if GLND/SMC consequences of violating the sent to Gary, Indiana, to pump effect a number of these sug­ 2. On the big black grease members agree. University’s smoking policy. gas on the Interstate for one gestions effective Fall, 1992. spot in the middle of the inter­ 5. Club 23. Anytime. w eek. section of Douglas and Juniper 1. First time offenders Since that time, a number of on alternate Tuesday’s in The University had deemed will be assigned twenty hours of Edward ‘Monk’ Malloy professors and graduate stu­ months with fewer than six let­ these locations appropriate to community service at the hiding somewhere on campus dents have asked for a clarifi­ ters. satisfy the needs of those people ethanol plant. April 1,1992 ..... William Hickey goes public

- Absurder photo spread After complaints that he was inaccessible to Absurder writers and photographers, Saint Mary's College President William "Take My Picture, Please " Hickey has turned over a new leaf. He recently agreed to pose for this exclusive Absurder photo spread as a means to make ammends for past wrongs. Hickey showed a spirited side of his personality, allowing The Absurder to accompany him on television appearances and at a modeling show he did in Niles, Mich.

The Absurder/E.F.Q.R.KLM. Wailey Photo identification, from left to right:Bill "Bang Bang " Hickey shown in his latest movie, "RoboPresIII." Hickey making a guest appearance on the Johnny Carson show reading mail seized from SMC students' mailboxes. Hickey’s latest modeling venture: "Catwoman in Spandex '92." Athletic Supporters page 4 April Fool's Day, 1992 Jesus disses women’s basketball team McGraw: ‘Christ can’t even slam’

By JOCK IICH night when tired) is considered Sports Guru by all aficionados of the game to be a career record unsur­ In a shocking development, it passable. was announced today that the If there is a knock on the Notre Dame women’s basket­ Lord, it’s in the assist depart­ ball team has lost its top recruit ment, where no assists are to for next season, further adding be found. May also occasionally to the dilemma faced by coach hog the ball, but still, no one Muffet McGraw. can shoot the trey quite like the In the tradition of Michelle Lord. Marciniak and Audrey Gomez, The fact is, this is a serious the number-one high school blow to the women’s basketball player in the country, the Lord team. After losing Marciniak Jesus, has rescinded a verbal and Gomez, they have failed to commitment to attend Notre hold on to an obvious franchise Dame, citing personal reasons player such as the Lord, who and the MCC conference as rea­ instead has mentioned Miami sons in a released statement. (Fla.) and Butler as possible Considered to be the best options. player of all time coming out of One must question what’s high school, Christ led Our Lady going on here. of Lords of Wilmington, The Lord was unavailable for Delaware to four undefeated any comment, and coach Mc­ state championships and a 108- Graw declined to talk about this game winning streak latest blow to her program. A perennial All-State selec­ The women’s basketball team tion, the Lord chalked up some banquet was to be held last impressive statistics, averaging night at Tippecanoe’s, but in a 73.9 points, 24.2 rebounds, and minor coup, all the players The Absurder/The guy with the big hair at the Sugar Bowl Coach Muffet McGraw, sporting a new 'do, looks in the mirror in shock as she realizes her team has left 13.2 blocked shots per game. A went to see “Wayne’s World” her Home Alone. After losing a verbal commitment from the Lord, McGraw appeared unfazed and said, field goal percentage of 98.0 instead, leaving McGraw with a "It just doesn't matter." percent (missed a couple one rented copy of “Home Alone.”

EAT MY SPORTS SHORTS Rosenthal quits to join Peace Corps ■NOTRE DAME - Athletic D irector R ichard "Dick" Rosenthal JOHN MacFRO, resigned his position of chief administrator of athletic affairs at the University of Notre Dame today, leaving the way open for talented JOHNNY BOY understudy and rehabilitated criminal Ivan Boesky to take his REFRESHING TASTE OF SPRITE TOY place. Rosenthal cited personal and financial reasons in an official statement released at a brown-bag luncheon press conference at FAST-BREAK THAT BROKE-MEISTER the Center for Social Concerns. “College athletics are polluted,” said Rosenthal. “All people care about today is money, and quite PICKIN’ UP THE BIG “T ’-MEISTER frankly, people, I don’t give a damn about dollars and cents. ” MACKY WACKY HAIR MAN Rosenthal, munching a hot pastrami on rye, stated that he intends to change his name to Kareem Abdul-Quadaffi and join the Peace RATHER PLAY IN THE NIT MAN Corps. PLAYIN’ BROOKS MAN Varsity athletes to receive BMW’s GETTIN’ FUNNY LOOKS MAN ■ LAS VEGAS - University of Notre Dame varsity football players will receive complimentary BMW 395i’s (in Notre Dame SEATIN’ UCLA MAN colors) as part of a new NCAA bylaw passed at the request of ND Executive Vice President Father E. ‘Wild Bill, Wet Willie’ LOSIN’ TO BUTLER MAN Beauchamp. “This gives us a decent chance to recruit for a FIGHTIN’ IRISHMAN change,” said Beauchamp in a satellite interview from the Sands Casino in Las Vegas. “I’ve been tearing up the roulette tables, so I BLUNDERDOME KING figured that was a sign to go for the gusto, give the kids a decent set of wheels to show our appreciation and help the recruits make up their minds.” At press time, the blue and gold, leather-trimmed convertibles were parked in Stepan Center awaiting distribution. Hasta la vista. Muffet ■NOTRE DAME - In his first official act as athletic director, Ivan Boesky terminated the contract of women’s basketball coach Muffet “Please stay, I’ll pay you” McGraw. Boesky began talks with the wife of former UNLV coach Jerry Tarkanian. “If Tark signs, expect a flood of junior college players,” said Bqesky. “If we sign him by July, then his recruits should be eligible for the new BMW incentive program.” Mrs. Tark was hesitant to accept the offer for her husband due to the sighting of several Irish ballplayers with noted playboy and presidential candidate Bill Clinton. Irish players a rehended INTERCOURSE,E f i t O l Pa. - Senior defensive lineman Troy Ridgely, junior quarterback Rick Mirer, junior linebacker Demetrius DuBose and the two remaining members of the women’s basketball team were apprehended at a topless Karaoke bar in Intercourse, Pa. by Pennsylvania state troopers disguised table dancers. Ridgely was found sacrificing a live cow in the kitchen, while DuBose and Mirer were held on charges of underaged drinking and poor Karaoke style. The women’s players were arrested for offering to demonstrate their ball-handling skills to an undercover officer. Indiana” Holtz goes leather ■ SAN FRANCISCO - Irish football coach Lou Holtz will sponsor a seminar entitled “How to effectively whip your players into peak performance" this Saturday at the Center for Social Concerns. Holtz, taking a cue from Hoosier basketball coach Bobby Knight, quipped “that little sucker really stings if you know how to work it. I’ve never seen Willie (Clark) run so fast in my life." This seminar coincided with a rash of football player visitations to the infirmary complaining of welts. Former women’s basketball coach Muffet McGraw was seen to be whipping hockey coach Ric Schafer in a demonstration of Holtz’s new motivational One ’Fro enters, One Fro leaves technique. Photos of the spanking will appear in the next issue of Bondage Today.