sign in sign up
<<
Home , Blue balls, Female ejaculation, Vaginal lubrication

466 Chapter 9 Sexuality

American Female Adolescents°' In Collins, Patricia Hill. 1990. Black Feminist Thought. New York: Among African Psychotherapy: Reframing Routledge. Women, Girds, and Resistance ed. Carol Gilligan, Annie Rogers, and Deborah Tolman. Fine, Michelle. 1988. "Sexuality, Schooling, and Adolescent New York: Haworth Press. Females: The Missing Discourse of Desire." Harvard Edu- After: Sex, Fear, and cational Review 58 (10: 29-53). Roiphe, Katie: 1993. The Morning Femi- nism on Campus. Boston: Little, Brown. Harris, Angela. 1990."Race and Essentialism in Feminist Legal "The Bold New World of Boy Theory." Stanford Law Review 42: 581-592. Shrieves, Linda. 1993. Chasing: Orlando Sentinel(22 December): E1. Henderson, Lynne. 1992." and Responsibility." Law and and the Power ofthe Law Philosophy I1 (1-2): 127-128. Smart, Carole. 1989. New York: Routledge. Hollway, Wendy. 1984. "Women's Power in Heterosexual Sex." "Sex with a Scorecard." Time (5 Women's Studies International Forum 7 (1): 63-68. Smolowe, Jill. 1993. April):41. Forthcoming. "Adolescent Girls' Sexuality: Houppert, Karen. 1993."The Glen Ridge Rape Draws to a Tolman, Deborah. the Myth of the Urban Girl." In Urban Close." Village Voice (March 16): 29-33. Debunking Adoles- cent Girls: Resisting Stereotypes, ed. Bonnie Leadbetter Jack, Dana. 1991. Silencing the Sell. Cambridge, MA: Harvard and Niobe Way. New York: New York University Press. University Press. . 1994a."Daring to Desire; Culture and the Bodies Michael M. v. Sonoma County, 450 U.S. 464 (1980). of Adolescent Girls:' In Sexual Cultures: Adolescents, of Olsen, Frances. 1984. "Statutory Rape: A Feminist Critique Communities and the Constra~ction ofIdentit}; ed. Janice Rights Analysis." Texas Law Review 63: 387. Irvine. Philadelphia: University Press. of Omadale, Barbara, 1983."Hearts of Darlrness." In Powers .1994b."Doing Desire: Adolescent Girls' Struggle Desire: The Politics ofSexuality, ed. Ann Snitow, Christine for/with Sexuality." Gender and Society 8(3): 32 342. Stansell, and Sharon Thompson. New York: Monthly Re- Yoffe, Emily. 1991. "Girls Who Go Too Far." Newsweek view Press. (22 7uly): 58. Robinson, Tracy and Janie Ward. 1991."A Belief in Self Far Greater than Anyone's Disbelief: Cultivating Resistance

-~~ tl The Gap ~~ by Marcia Douglass and Lisa Douglass

another, Nikki Nikki and lie naked in their bed, kissing in passionate embrace.As they caress one it responds slowly glides her down Joe's chest and to his penis.She delights in the way and slides his to her touch and savors its warm,firm feel in her hand.Joe reaches between Nikki's legs her eyes to into her . Nikki tilts her so that his fingertip meets her .She closes clitoris and focus on the rush of excitement his touch sends through her genitals. As Joe rubs her kisses her ,, and , Nikki's pleasure borders on orgasm. gets After a few minutes on this erotic edge,Nikki begins to worry that Joe wants to move on.5he then slips up,straddles him,and together they roll on a .Nikki massages on some lubrication releasing her Joe's penis into her vagina.She caresses his penis inside her, alternately tightening and pace. vaginal muscles. As Joe's excitement builds, Nikki senses that her own arousal is not keeping not want The intensity of her pleasure dissipates,and she feels her orgasm slipping away. Nikki does quickly to deny Joe his pleasure,so they flip over.Joe thrusts rhythmically and deeply inside her,then other's ,she comes.Nikki is disappointed that she has not had an orgasm,but as they rest in each takes pleasure in their intimacy.

and Lisa Douglass, Ph.D. Copyright "The Orgasm Gap," from The Sex You Want: A Lovers'Guide to Women's Sexual Pleasure by Marcia Douglass, Ph.D. &Miller Literary Associates, Chicago,[L. O 1997, 2002 by Marcia Douglass and Lisa Douglass. All rights reserved. Reprinted by permission of Browne Chapter 9 Sexuality 467

or Nikki, as for most women, orgasm in sex is like ioo a mirage: It appears on the horizon one minute, 90 like a delicious glass of water to a thirsty traveler. ao But the next minute—poof!—it is gone. Sometimes, es- pecially when she is on top during intercourse, Nikki ~o comes, too. But at other times, she fakes orgasm.(Actu- 60 she just lets Joe believe she ally, has come.) Occasionally, 50 when Joe asks, Nikki tells him,"It felt great! Really, it's 40 OK.I love just being close to you." These are words that Joe has never uttered. He never has to: Like most men, 30 Joe always has an orgasm when he has sex. As Joe begins 20 snore in satisfied slumber, Nikki lies awake frying to to io convince herself that it really was good for her, too. Most men would not see the point of sex if their or- Men Women gasms were so elusive. Yet Nikki and millions of other The Orgasm Gap heterosexual women put up with unsatisfying sex on a regular basis, and the sexual culture—the way people in our society define sex—seems undisturbed by this fact. The orgasm gap between women and men is not just Both women and men expect sex to be a physically sat- an individual problem. Nikki's experience of hit-or-miss isfying experience, but for many women it is not. Al- orgasm is typical of sex for heterosexual women in the thoughsex virtually always includes his orgasm, hers is United States today. Seventy-five percent of men have optional—nice, but not necessary. orgasm in partner sex on a regular basis, but only 29 The orgasm gap disrupts the pleasure of sex for both percent of women do. Two-thirds of women have or- Nikki and Joe. When Joe comes but Nikki does not, they gasms only sometimes or not at a11. It is difficult to imag- both feel frustrated or somehow deficient. Nikki thinks it ine men accepting sex that excluded their orgasm. Yet is her mood.I just could not let go tonight. Sometimes she because women have learned to accept this double stan- blames how she looks.If I could just lose ten pounds. Joe dard, the orgasm gap has hardly budged over decades of feels he has not "performed" adequately. Maybe ifI had social change—the of the 1960s, the lasted longer. Maybe ifmy penis were bigger. Nikki and Joe women's movement ofthe 1970s, the antisex backlash in tell themselves that orgasm is always harder for women to the era of AIDS in the 1980s, and into the sexual achieve. Womenjust do not come as easily as men. quandary of the 1990s. The 29/75 gap continues today What Nikki and Joe never blame is the way they have in a social environment that appears to be more open sex. For them, sex is synonymous with intercourse. They than ever about sex. Intimate details ofsexual activity are never have sex that does not include it. Intercourse gives now discussed in safer sex instruction, on television and Joe direct genital stimulation and virtually ensures his radio talk shows, and explicit sex acts are regularly por- orgasm. Nikki loves the way intercourse feels, too, but trayed in the popular media. But the orgasm gap is rarely most of the time it does not lead to her orgasm. discussed. It is simply accepted as the way sex is. Nikki lrnows that she comes every time she masturbates The orgasm gap between women and men is not re- by massaging her clitoris. But in partner sex, she never stricted to any particular group of people. It crosses all touches herself there. Joe pays her clitoris some attention lines of income, race, and ethnicity. It exists not only in during , but the stimulation he gives her usually every region of the United States but in every society stops short oforgasm. When they move to intercourse, the around the world. Its near universality is not, however, clitoris is all but forgotten. Nikki enjoys the feeling of Joe's proofthat the orgasm gap is inevitable. Women are not in- penis inside her, but because penetration bypasses the cli- herently less orgasmic than men. In fact, women are phys- toris, it does not make her come. Sometimes Nikki is icallycapable ofmultiple , and most women who tempted to ask Joe to keep his on her clitoris a lit- masturbate reach orgasm without fail. Women who have tlelonger ar to give her cunnilingus. But having an orgasm sex with a female partner come 83 percent of the time. from manual or is seen as inferior somehow. Both Clearly, the problem lies not with women themselves, Nikki and Joe have learned that orgasm should come from but in the way heterosexuals have sex. intercourse. So they cut foreplay short and begin penetra- Most people attribute the orgasm gap to biology and tion, even though it is likely to mean that sex will soon ignore the fact that people learn to have sex and to have culminate in his, but not her, orgasm. orgasms according to the beliefs of their particular 468 Chapter 9 Sexuality

orgasm is mentioned in sex manuals and 100 women's se education texts, a woman can easily miss this importa~ so fact. Most women eventually discover the clitoris so orgasm connection. But then they the higher h~.d ~o of making this lrnowledge mesh with the way their p~ sexual culture) expects them to have so ner (and the sex. The information a woman receives about orgasm 50 often so garbled and contradictory that she gives up ~~ 40 ing to have one. Orgasm should come from intercours women it never does. 30 she is told, yet for most Organ from clitoral stimulation, she reads, but a wom~ 20 comes should nevertheless try to come from intercourse. Dor, 10 worry if you have never had an orgasm or only hay them sometimes,she hears. Sex is so much more than o Solo With a With It is , sensuality, emotional intimacy, aY all gasm: Female love. Partner Partners above all, an expression of to make sex good. And bad sf Women's Orgasms But love is not enough can interfere with love. An cane thrive and grow where the physical pleasures of sex a as they are between Nikki and Joe. Son culture. In the United States, people believe that there is as unequal settle for orgasms that happen now and then, a~ a difference in hormones that makes men want and need women focus their energies on romance and intimacy. B sex more than women. They believe that it is natural fact they or who find sex more frustrating than please that men reach their sexual peak at age eighteen, while f women embarrassing than ecstatic, and more of most women's sexuality surges at thirty-five. They be- able, more an opportunity, not having orgasm takes the lieve that women have a harder time having orgasms duty than away from a loved partner, not closer. When tl than men as a result ofsome evolutionary master plan of further an has an orgasm but the woman does not, sex is n nature, when the real culprit is the way women and men m less fun, but a gap can develop between two love are taught to have sex. It usually takes a woman decades only doubt, anger, and blame begin to fester. Son before she figures out that the model of sex she was in which just stop having sex. One woman told us, taught was wrong: It leaves out her orgasm. women it for over twelve yeaxs. And then it got to a poi Other people, including many sex experts, attribute faked I felt turned off to sex altogether. I didn't eve the orgasm gap to women's psychology. In this view, where to deal with it because I wasn't getting anythi~ women do not have orgasms because they have psycho- want of it" logical hang-ups about sex. If women can just learn to out en suffer from the orgasm gap, too. They ha relax in sex, they will have orgasms. But even the most M that it is up to them to "give" their partner carefree and uninhibited woman will not have an orgasm learned with their penis. If she does not come,they fe unless she gets the appropriate stimulation. Yet the sex- orgasm it a failure of either their own sexual prowess ual culture defines sex in such a way that women and that is of their partner's "frigidity." A man may tel: men either never learn to use or are discouraged from a result that she just needs to let go. "The woman, tc using the kind of stimulation that works. woman the problem is all in her head. They both z At the start of a new millennium, most young women believes that culture's explanation that women's ps face the same confusing path toward orgasm their moth- cept the sexual are the main cause of the organ ers and grandmothers encountered. They must make chological hang-ups actually lies with a sexual culture tY their way through a morass of inconsistent messages gap. Yet the fault about sex. The most damaging ofthese is that sex is es- defines sex as intercourse. manage to defy the sexual culture a. sentially intercourse and every other kind of sexual ac- Some women orgasmic sex. Some stumt tivity is not the real thing, even when they are more likely learn to have satisfying or luck. Others make a co to give women orgasms.'The sex =intercourse message upon orgasm by chance their sexuality. Of the wom leaves a woman to flounder through a long series of un- scions effort to cultivate orgasm, some have one c satisfactory sexual encounters before she finally figures who regularly experience orgasms (more than one c out that clitoral stimulation, not intercourse alone, will gasm, some have multiple d some ejaculate, a sexi bring her to orgasm. Although the role of the clitoris in gasm in a sexual session), an Chapter 9 Sexuality 469

pleasure most women never even learn about. Because gasm. Yet orgasmic sex improves intimacy. When only sex is more often alluded to than honestly and openly one partner's orgasm is important, even necessary, while discussed, women in our society have little chance of the other partner's is ignored or denied, true intimacy is growing sexually unless they question the sexual cul- impossible. ture and determine to cultivate their sexuality on their own. The Sexual Culture There is little social support for women who challenge The orgasm gap can be bridged only by changing the the sexual status quo. Even though women talk to each way women and men have sex. Changing the way peo- other about their periods, their relationships, and other plehave sex means changing the sexual culture and con- intimate subjects, what they do in sex is a topic even the fronting the assumptions upon which it is based. The closest friends fear to broach. Women never take the op- first assumption is that sex is natural and that people portunity to learn from other women about orgasm. Nor are driven by hormones and genital urges. A person is do most women talk frankly with their male partners thought to have a "sex drive" that motivates sexual be- about safer sex, much less better sex. havior. Yet, as Leonore Tiefer's recent book proclaims in Nikki and Joe have never tallced about what they ac- its title, Sex Is Not a Natural Act. Everyone who has tually do in bed. Neither of them has ever stopped to ever had sex lrnows that it involves not only the body, think about how they might do things differently be- but the mind and spirit. They know that it occurs in the cause, in spite of their orgasm gap, they consider their context ofcomplex relations with other people. Further- to be pretty good. They are equally interested in more, sex is learned. And it is carried out according to having sex, they enjoy foreplay, and when they have in- the standazds of a particular culture. Although sex takes tercourse, it lasts longer than the national average oftwo place in and through the body, it is not governed by peo- and a half minutes.Yet, at some level, both ofthem know ple's hormones or gonads. Sex is a social act to its very that sex between them could be so much better if Nikki core, including in the way we define the body and sex had an orgasm, too. itself. Although primarily a problem for straight women,the Recognizing that sex is learned, people can act to orgasm gap also affects lesbians, bisexual women, and change it. Until now, women have learned to have sex in all men who care about gender equality and who like ways that favor male pleasure, but they can unlearn those good sex. When the sexual culture focuses on what gives ways and invent new ones that foster more equal and men pleasure in sex with a woman, all other sexual ac- satisfying sex. tivities and everyone who is not a heterosexual male gets To make sex as good for her as it is for him, Nikki short sexual shrift. All women are pushed to the mar- and Joe need to examine each layer of their sexual ac- gins ofsex defined asintercourse—lesbians do not have tivity to look at what they do and why. This means talk- "real" sex, bisexual women "play around" with women ing about sex. Already, sex is a popular topic of public until a man comes along, and straight women are ex- discussion, but in the age of AIDS, the talk sometimes pected to get pleasure from the same things that please gets reduced to a debate about whether to "just say no" men. Ifthe sexual culture considers women's pleasure at or to "do it, do it, do it," without ever asking what are all, it is only insofar as it fits into a model for sex de- we doing when we "do it"? Why are we doing it? For signed to satisfy men. pleasure? Out of obligation? To demonstrate love? For all of these reasons? And why is one way of having sex Is Orgasm Important? considered right, and another considered wrong? T'he don't think orgasms are the be-all,end-all, but I sure sexual culture promotes intercourse between a woman as hell wouldn't want to live without them. and a man as something that should "come naturally." —Betty Dodson But if intercourse "comes naturally," why is only one partner coming? Most men never question the importance oforgasm—it Recognizing that sex is not natural, but rather a prod- is simply their sexual right. Many women cannot say uct ofculture, opens up exciting possibilities for change. whether or not orgasm is important, however, because Reinventing sex is a radical project that involves more they have never had one. A woman who does insist on than just trying new positions or buying a (al- having an orgasm may be accused of being too unro- though these can definitely add to the fun). Changing mantic, too male, or too demanding. Yet no man ever the way we have sex requires thinking in profoundly dif- has to justify his desire for orgasm. The goal of sex for ferent ways about the body, about power relations be- women in contrast, is supposed to be intimacy, not or- tween women and men, and about sex itself. It means 470 Chapter 9 Sexuality

that equates sex with the developing a new language to talk about sex in more In a sexual culture female that she deserves sexual equal terms. By imagining a new sexuality, women and body, a woman is told pleasure Many women get men will do much more than enhance their own enjoy- only if she looks attractive. great sat- focusing on ment. Making sex an act of shared, mutual pleasure is an isfaction from dressing up, but being attrac- with sexual essential part of creating true gender equality. tive on the outside can interfere satisfaction within. A woman may never cultivate or respond to her Four Myths own feelings ar desires because she develops her sexu- alitybased on the way others see, touch, and treat her. In order to begin rethinking sex, it is useful to first con- he sexual culture's emphasis on a woman's sider several taken-for-granted assumptions or myths T exterior it difficult for her to develop a healthy sexual self. that are the foundation of the sexual culture. makes In reinventing sex, women can turn the focus of sex to Myth #1: Women =Sex their own experience of their bodies. They can have sex terms, a privilege most men take for In our society, the body of a woman—a young, beauti- on their own of handing her sexuality over to others, ful, revealingly dressed woman—is the symbol for sex. granted. Instead controls and possesses it herself. She can enjoy More precisely, certain parts of a woman's body stand for a woman and if she wants to—she is neither pres- sex because they are aturn-on for heterosexual men. A orgasm when coming to boost her partner's ego, nor denied woman's and are probably the prime suredinto of neglect. When women reinvent sex, icons of sex, but long legs, high , big , and a orgasm because will not earn good sex because she fits a sexy round, red mouth are also widespread cultural symbols a woman Instead, she will deserve good sex be- that set up the sexual equation. The woman,like the car, physical ideal. is human being. the beer, or the magazine her body advertises, is an ob- cause she a ject ofdesire. Asexy woman is an item of consumprion, Sex =Intercourse and man is her consumer. Myth #2: refer to "sex," they usually mean Equating sex with an idealized female image puts real When heterosexuals aginal intercourse. Whether euphemism ("the sex act"), women in a sexual no-person's land. The vast majority v ("getting laid"), or profanity ("fucking"), most of women neither meet the criteria of what is sexy nor slang for sex are actually words for intercourse. Even fit the profile of the consumer. Most women know that words women get in the habit of thinking of intercourse our sexual culture does not have them in mind when,for many only real sex. A woman recently told us that she example, a magazine article entitled "Sex" is illustrated as the to use a to have an orgasm before she has by anineteen-year-old blonde in a Wonder-bra, garter likes Apparently, sex does not begin until a penis gets belt, and spike heels. "sex." act. Every woman knows what it is to struggle with what into the Vaginal penetration by the penis is the defining act of one friend calls "the body thing." Women learn from the heterosexuals. A recent survey found that time they are young to treat their own bodies as perpet- sex for most of heterosexuals usually or always have inter- ual improvement projects as they strive to emulate an 95 percent they have sex. Other sexual activities, such externally imposed image of what is ,sexy. A woman's coursewhen and oral sex, sometimes serve only as either growth as a sexual person is compromised by the goal as manual for intercourse or an imitarion of it. French of looking sexy on the outside, and eventually a woman a warm-up and finger penetration are sometimes performed becomes estranged from what her body feels on the kissing it more than for their own intrinsic pleasures. inside. to mimic intercourse is the way women are least One woman told us that from the time she was a Even though the sexual culture places the greatest teenager, she felt she was expected to look sexy but never likely to come, that results from intercourse. Clitoral to be or feel sexual. She often dressed in provocative value on orgasm in favor of penetration, and ways. "But if I went beyond a certain point," she says, stimulation is overlooked women want a man who is "long, "my father would call me awful names. I never had it the stereotype is that night long." Even many vibrators right, and I still don't." A woman is made to feel like a haxd, and can go all it is assumed that a man's performer on a tightrope who walks a fine line imposed are shaped like a penis because —should also sexually sat- by the demands of the audience below—an audience source ofpleasure—the penis that eggs her on while simultaneously criticizing her as isfy awoman. passage in our sexual shameless for performing in the first place. Despite its Vaginal penetration is a rite of can validate . perils, this performance is one that many women feel culture. It is the only sex act that -rite to vali- compelled to carry out. (Lesbians are not granted any comparable Chapter 9 Sexuality 471 date a partnership.) It is a testament to the crucial mean- The act of intercourse reflects the larger cultural no- ing of intercourse that a woman can engage in mastur- tion that sex is something that men do to women. Even barion or in manual, oral, or with a partner and women's active role in reproduction is made to seem have an orgasm, perhaps multiple orgasms, but she is passive. The penis in intercourse is likened to a plow Brill a "virgin" if her vagina has not been penetrated by that prepares the soil and presses the seed into a recep- a penis. A woman's virginity is something only a man's tive earth. Because of its role in reproduction, inter- penis—and not his or mouth, much less the course is seen as the natural way to have sex. People woman herself, or another woman—has the power to often point to other animals: Birds "do it," bees "do it," take away. and so do cats and dogs. is indeed To "go all the way" means arriving at the ultimate des- the typical and optimal means for egg to meet sperm in tination: vaginal penetration. For most men,intercourse humans. But people engage in sex for conception only is the last stop on the sex train. His orgasm announces a few times in their lives. Above all, they have sex for to the woman that the trip is over. Intercourse is where pleasure. And as anyone who masturbates knows, the she should get off, too. But it leaves most women idling most fun one can have in sex, hands down, is orgasm. on the tracks, their engines still running. It is little wonder that men come easily during vaginal Myth #3: Women and Men Are Different penetration. Intercourse brings a man to orgasm because and Unequal the male counterpart ofthe clitoris lies within the penis, and Perhaps the most influential myth of our sexual culture the penis is surrounded on all sides by massaging vaginal is that women and men are opposite sexes. But rather walls. A woman's clitoris lies mostly within her body sep- than opposite and equal, men are taken as the norm, and aratefromthe vagina. Her clitoris is mostly untouched by women the deviarion. Women are both men's opposites intercourse. Only the exposed tip and clitoral shaft receive and their inferiors. The apparently greater size of men's some stnnulation from the tugs and strokes of the man's genitals is sometimes read as evidence of their more penis or from intermittent pressure from his . For powerful sex drive, while women's seemingly smaller some women, this is sufficient for orgasm, especially if genitals reflect a lesser interest in sex. Seen as inferior they are "on top." Most of the time, however, expecting in so many ways, it is not surprising that women tend to intercourse alone to result in a woman's orgasm is compa- come out "on the bottom" in sex. rable to expecting Joe to be satisfied by a massage of his The myth that women are sexually inferior to men is . It feels good, but the longer Nikki does it, the supported by three beliefs:(1) that women have a lesser more likely he is to feel annoyed than to have an orgasm. sex drive than men; (2) that women do not need or- The low rate of orgasm for women is correlated with gasm as men do; and (3) that women have lesser gen- the high rate of intercourse-oriented sex. Intercourse itals than men. simply does not give enough direct stimulation to the clitoris for orgasm to occur in most women. The penis Women Have a Lesser Sex Drive Than Men The and the clitoris pass one another like ships in the night, sex drive is not considered the result of social condi- but only the penis makes it to port. Yet amidst multiple tioning or experience but as an inborn or natural gender messages that it is the high point of sex, a woman bat- trait. In our sexual culture, it is believed that "female tles alingering feeling that she should be able to achieve hormones"(actually, the excess offemale and shortage orgasm during coitus. of male hormones, especially testosterone) make women A woman gets caught in a catch-22. Sex consists of in- less sexual. Yet hormones and other biological processes tercourse, which does not make her come. Oral and man- used as evidence of sex difference are always interpreted ualsex do make her come, but they are seen as remedial according to the terms of the culture. Women's lower or even "deviant' forms of sex. Oral sex is only a rare levels of testosterone are said to explain why women offering and manual sex is confined to foreplay, if done initiate sex less often than men, but this ignores how at all. women get decades of training to please others and are To some, intercourse may seem an imperative of na- told they are "bad" if they act on their own sexual de- ture. The vagina and the penis appear destined for each sires. Women can be so busy responding to desires of other, or rather, the vagina is made for the penis. The men and the sexual culture that they hardly get a chance penis slips so easily into the vagina, like a sword into its to cultivate their own. Women's capacity for multiple sheath. Indeed, vagina means sheath. Its very name im- orgasms, for example, rarely gets nurtL~red, while the plies that the vagina has no ofits own but qualities that contribute to men's pleasure—beauty and only becomes a sexual organ when the penis enters it. sexual acquiescence—are rewarded and emphasized. 472 Chapter 9 Sexuality

the sexual culture because it implies that women are ca_ The notion of a natural sex drive helps to validate men's pable of and deserve pleasure no less than men. sexual priority. It is believed that women simply never ex- now" that men perience the same urge to have sex "right There are very few absolute sex differences and ., sex drive do. Indeed,some men blame their uncontrollable without complete social equality we cannot know turned when they pressure women for sex("You got me so for sure what they are. on"). It explains why men visit prostitutes or cheat on —Anne Fausto Sterling, MyThs ofGender is their wives or girlfriends("Men have sexual needs"). It the man and blame the woman for even used to absolve Women Have Lesser Genitals Than Men The sex- was so turned on by her, he couldn't her own rape ("He ual culture focuses on the towering ofthe man's men simply cannot help themselves stop"). It seems that penis while it ignores the fact that the erectile tissues of overdrive. For a woman to express a when sex goes into a woman's clitoris and bulbs are the same size and also is seen as unnatural, even strong sex drive, in contrast, respond to stimulation. The organs of both sexes expand who expresses an urgent desire for immoral. A woman and become firm during , yet the event as a "." sex risks being seen that is so significant in men, erection, is not even ac- sex a "drive" at all renders That our society considers knowledged in women. control. It supports the notion it a force beyond human The sexual culture defines erection as a purely male individual can do to control nature's that there is little an phenomenon and spotlights vaginal "wetness" in women. men's so-called sex drive nor engine. But neither is interpreted as a sign of female to sex is the product of bi- women's apparent indifference readiness for penetration (and the man's pleasure). It ig- for sex unfolds in a social context. ology and hormones, nores how a woman's genitals become erect in the same sex around achieving men's In a society that organizes process of blood engorgement and muscle tension that to men's sexual pleasure in count- orgasm and that caters a man experiences. not surprising that a woman might less other ways, it is Our sexual culture evalua#es genitals based not on how sex. But it is not because they are show less interest in people experience pleasure, but on how well they fit into sex lacks the clitoral stimulation born that way. When a model of sex that features the penis in a starring role. to orgasm, it becomes a self- that most women enjoy When the stage is set for sex, the man's large, assertive that women are the less sexual half fulfilling prophecy organ appears at center stage and the vagina plays the when men have orgasms and of the population. Yet part of its accommodating sidekick. The woman's cli- difference is treated as the playing women do not, the toris acts only as a puny, uncredited extra who barely natures of females and males, out of the distinct sexual emerges from the wings. rather than as the result of sex socialization by gender definition of sex as intercourse and the sexual culture's Myth #4: Women Want Intimacy; to the man's orgasm. Men Want Sex be- An extension ofthe myth of gender difference is the liefthat women and men want different things when they Women Do Not Need Orgasm as Men Do Or- have sex: Women want decor (wine and candlelight), gasm is practically a medical Rx for a man. If he be- men want hard core (genital sex and orgasm). Men sexually aroused and does not reach orgasm while comes want to cuddle and suffer "blue balls." The want to penetrate and come; women and ejaculate, it is said he will opposite talk. Intimacy and genital sex are presented as man's visually obvious erection makes penetration (or, Women complain of not getting a hand job or a blow job) and irreconcilable goals. as many women well lrnow, complain of also experi- enough intimacy and attention, while men seem imperative. Even though a woman indeed not getting enough "sex." Women and men have encesthe equivalent of an erection, our sexual culture to eat different halves ofthe sexual pie. But neither names nor recognizes this event. A woman is been taught after she gets her slice of closeness, and he gets not described as suffering from "blue clit" if her sex- even of orgasm, they both maybe left feeling hun- ual arousal does not culminate in orgasm—even his serving the reason men get sex less often than they though the frustration of sex that ends before orgasm gry. Perhaps because women are not sexually satisfied. And is a much more common experience for women than want is are sexually unsatisfied turn their interests it is for men. women who Quilliam, who surveyed British women To aclrnowledge that women need orgasms as much as elsewhere. Susan that women may focus on intimacy to men do is to suggest that women and men are much on sex, suggests the lack of orgasms. A woman who reg- more alike sexually than different. This idea challenges compensate for Chapter 9 Sexuality 473

Your (Society's) Sexual IQ Test

1. What sexual activity is most likely to bring a 6. What is the average duration of heterosexual woman to orgasm? vaginal intercourse? a. intercourse a. one hour b. clitoral stimulation b. two to three minutes c. sex with a partner she loves c. fifteen minutes 2. What shape does the female clitoris most 7. Who can masturbate to orgasm faster? resemble? a. men a. a four-inch wishbone b. women b. a pea c. women and men can be equally fast c. a miniature penis 8. Only some women have a G spot. 3. When is sex between a woman and a man usually T considered over? F a. when the woman has an orgasm 9. A woman's vagina always lubricates or gets"wet" b. when each partner is sexually satisfied when she is sexually excited. c. when the man ejaculates T 4. What is the most common sign that a woman is F having an orgasm? 10. When sexually excited, women experience the a. her pelvic muscle contracts same engorgement and increased muscle ten- b. her chest flushes red sionthat isknown as"erection" in men. c. she moans T 5. Some women ejaculate a fluid in sex that is chem- F icallyclosest to a. ANSWERS AT THE END OF THE READING. b. vaginal secretions c. prostatic fluid similar to men's

ularly has sex without orgasms would indeed begin to experiences. The last time we looked, women and men think that pleasure must lie elsewhere. both lived on Earth, a planet located midway between With the mantra "Women want intimacy and men want Venus and Mars. Here on Earth, both women and men sex," sexuality splits into two parts, each assigned to one are capable of enjoying intimacy along with orgasmic gender. Author and relationship guru John Gray goes even sex. In fact, instead of conflicting, the two pleasures en- fiuther. He argues in his books MenArefrom Mars, Women hance one another. Orgasmic sex and intimacy are part Arefrom Venus and Mars and Venus in the Bedroom that, of a single continuum of sexual, emotional, mental, and when it comes to relationships and sex, women and men physical expression. When women reinvent sex, both are from different planets. This view is popular because it women and men will have equal access to all the fruits reassures heterosexual couples that there is nothing wrong in the same garden of earthly delights. with them. If they feel alienated from their partner, it is because she or he truly is an alien. Gray's view encour- agespeople to believe that the problems between women and men are a result of innate differences that cannot be What Women(Do Not) changed. Gray completely ignores how the sexual culture Want teaches women to focus on intimacy and men to focus on What do women want,Freud asked. The old fool, sex. By characterizing women as an emotional "planet" the charlatan.He knew what women wanted.They and men as a sexual `planet," he dresses up the sexual cul- wanted nothing. Nothing was good enough.Every- ture's oldest stereotypes in New Age garb. In bed, the two one knew that. planets remain separated by the orgasm gap. —A Woman Reflecting on Sex Rather than assigning intimacy to women and sex to in Carol Shields's Novel, The Sione Diaries men, sex could be better for everyone if it included both 474 Chapter 9 Sexuality

ried for decades, with grown children and sexually In this book, we gather together ideas and resources sat- d isfiedhusbands, who have never had an orgasm, When women can use to reinvent sex. We focus on the body an they have sex they focus on the man's pleasure, begin by rethinking women's bodies and sexuality; but a Some have orgasms when they masturbate, but have not mus- similar process for men is also needed. By considering teredthe courage or developed the communication skills the pleasures and desires women and men share, both can to talk to their partner about making orgasm a mull work together to debunk the myths and develop alterna- part of sex together. A few have paztners who refuse to tive, more inclusive, and more equal attitudes and activ- change they way they have sex. For these women, or- itiesthat will make sex not just male fun,but mutual fun. gasm looms as a rather daunting challenge rather than In Orgasm Denial being something they look forward to enjoying. Attaining orgasmic sex is sometimes so bewildering Reinventing sex requires that women recognize the prob- that, when a woman finally does have orgasms regularly lems of the sexual culture. Yet many women are in de- with a partner, she may confuse what she feels with love. nial about the orgasm gap. Some ignore the problem Or, she may stay in a relationship because she is afraid they have great, orgasmic sex with their part- because will not find another partner who "gives" her or- to rethink sex, thank she ners. They say they feel no need love, and love often en- - gasms. Good sex may enhance ou very much."Is there a problem?" asked one twenty y hances sex, but they are not the same thing. something college graduate who told us she has three Some femuusts and sex therapists fear that encourag- orgasms every time she has sex. Some thirty-, forty- ing women to strive for orgasm only adds to the women's and fiftysomething urban professional women ask us: feelings of sexual inadequacy. But in the name of pro- "Didn't we already do this in the 1970s?" And our tecting women's feelings, this view may inadvertently mother tells us that she and all her World War II—gener- make orgasm all the more elusive for women. It implies ation friends figured out orgasmic sex without a hitch. that it is a woman's own fault that she does not have or- T'he key phrase here is "figured out." Many of these gasms, rather than the fault of the way sex is defined. women just stumbled upon orgasm by accident or they Others downplay the importance oforgasm because they were lucky enough to have a knowledgeable partner. believe that to celebrate orgasm is to succumb to male Others became orgasmic in solo sex by violating the values. In a more female-oriented sexuality, they sug- . All ofthem figured out how taboo against pleasures such as caressing, kissing, and culture, but in spite gest, sensual to enjoy sex not through the sexual genital sex and orgasm. sex- holding would supersede ofit. One by one, each woman had to reinvent the mag- Women can enjoy what a special 1995 issue ofMs. ual wheel. azine referred to as "hot unscripted sex," that is, "what- There are other women, however, who are either un- ever toms you on." able or not inspired to make this effort. In a sexual cul- Widening women's options for sexual pleasure is impor- ture in denial about women's orgasms, it can take a with tant, but to dismiss orgasm is to throw out the baby substantial effort to make partner sex satisfying. Since -stereo- the bathwater. This view also fa11s into the gender women's pleasure is not a topic either among women, women's typed orgasm-versus-intimacy trap. Leaving in , or even in the media, only a woman makes it physical pleasure vaguely defined as "whatever" who goes out of her way to learn about sex is likely to will more likely that women's natural capacity for orgasm become orgasmic. The silence surrounding female sex- not to remain undeveloped. A woman can always choose uality hurts even orgasmic women because it fails to ac- or- come,but it only truly becomes a choice for her when or give authority to their experiences of sex. knowledge gasmbecomes areadily mailable option. A woman who comes with oral sex, for example, may I coming enjoy sex less because she is wondering,"Am Dismantling the Sex Machine A woman who has orgasms now and the `right' way?" agree that the sexual and encour- Most observers of the 1960s now then may lack the information, opportunity, het- evolution was a boon for sex—that is, if you were a agement to ask why sex is not always orgasmic. She may r Many women expected that all the com- prefer to keep the peace rather than stir up trouble, es- erosexualmale. revolutionize sex for them, too. Some of the solution challenges not only her taken- motionwould pecially when more sex, with more her relations them believed that by simply having for-granted assumptions about sex, but also of artners, in more intercourse positions, or more days with men. p sex would become as good for them as it Many women axe aware of the orgasm gap but prefer the week, to be for men. But more sex did not necessarily not to confront it. We know women who have been mar- seemed Chapter 9 Sexuality 475

mean better sex for women, because the balance of The rethinking of female sexual well-being continues pleasure did not change. Even when oral sex came into with books such as A New View ofa Woman's Body, by fashion, and more men were willing to give women cun- a collective known as the Federation of Feminist nilingus (oral sex on a woman)than ever before, rates of Women's Health Centers, which replaces the male model (oral sex on a man) rose, too, and always re- ofsex with one based on women's own experiences, ob- mained higher. The so-called sexual revolution failed servations, and self-examinations. women because it did not change sex in the fundamen- Lesbians and bisexual women are among the feminists ta1 ways necessary to make it more equal fun. Ultimately, who have challenged many facets of women's role in the the revolution only revved up the existing sex machine. sexual culture. With their critique of what Adrienne Rich It oiled the gears, when what was needed was to dis- called compulsory , activists in the lesbian, mantle the engine, melt down the parts, and completely , bisexual, and transgender movement have helped rebuild sex from the inside out of women's experience. imagine a new sexual culture for both themselves and oth- This has not yet happened and, as a result, at the turn of ers. Their work has made it easier for young women to a new century, many women are still stuck in the mis- avoid settling into sexual roles and ways of having sex sionaryposition wondering,"Did the sexual revolution that do not have women's best interest in mind.In their as- come yet? ... because I haven't!" sertionthat "we are here," lesbians, bisexual women and It is now time to rethink sex in fizndamental ways. men, gay men, and transgendered people have forced the Feminists and lesbian, gay, and bisexual activists of re- whole society to question traditional assumptions about cent decades form the vanguard of a contemporary re- sex and sexual categories. Bisexual visibility has put flesh thinking that promises a real revolution in sex. Like on sex researcher 's view ofsexual orienta- the little girl in the village crowd who announced that the tion as a continuum by suggesting that sexuality is more emperor had no clothes, these groups are revealing the fluid and open than the categories of "heterosexual" or secret that women habitually keep to themselves: Sex "homosexual" a11ow Mainstream popular culture now ac- as it is currently defined does not satisfy women. claims gender-bending performers, such as the androgy- Crucial ingredients for reinventing sex have been con- nous k.d. lang and flamboyant drag Ru Pau1, who tributed by people such as Shere Hite, who published a undermine the sexual culture's insistence that "feminin- study reporting what thousands of women themselves said ity" and "masculinity" are inherent to people who have the about sex. The Hite Report:A Nationwide SCudy ofFemale genitals of women and men respectively. Books such as Sexuality was a highly controversial book that revealed the Martine Rothblatt's The Apartheid ofSex, Leslie Fein- discrepancy between what women were supposed to e~cpe- berg's Transgender Warriors, appearances by transsexu- rience in sex and what they actually felt. Critics found fault als on TV talk shows, and public writings by feminist with its lack ofstatisrical method (even though the gist of scientists such as biologist Anne Fausto-Sterling(who as- Hite's findings has been borne out by other, more "scien- serts that there are five sexes at least) have created greater tific" studies). Some bristled at its radical views ofboth sex awareness that neither the genitals nor gender come in and society. But many women found that what Hite was two neatly separated types. saying rang true to their own e~cperience. The sexual cul- The impact ofthese challenges on the sexual culture has ture was not ready to hear that sex (essentially, intercourse) been heightened by the AIDS epidemic. The need for a was not as satisfying for women as it was for men. conscious and radical change in the way people engage in Out ofthe grass-roots women's health movement came sex has rarely been more urgent than it is today when the a new view of women's bodies. Organized through com- questions are no longer simply whether to say yes or no. muniry clinics and epitomized by books such as The The questions people now face confront the very purpose Boston Women's Health Book Collective's Our Bodies, and definition ofsex. What is sex? Why have sex? Who is Ourselves, first published in 1969,this movement encour- sex for? These questions force everyone to scrutinize and agedwomen to take charge oftheir own health, including rethink the most taken-for-granted and fundamental as- their sexual health, and to resist the alienating messages pects ofsex.They unsetkle sexual complacency and prepare of the media and the medical establishment that treated the ground for reinventing sex for women's pleasure. women as either objectsfor or imperfect versions ofinen. A clear alternative framework for sex has yet to be es- By advocating that each woman learn to examine her own tablished, but it is in the process ofemerging. Women are and and to take responsibility for her own at the vanguard of this change, one that will transform sexual pleasure, the movement helped women to gain a not only how people have sex, but how the genitals them- greater measure of control over their bodies and lives. selves are envisioned. 476 Chapter 9 Sexuality

apea-sized penis, but Stupid that the clitoris is not is more It's the Clitoris, than four inches long and extends inside the body. men starts with outing Reinvenring sex for women and It was decades ago that laboratory studies confirmed om most talk about sex, the clitoris. The clitoris is absent fr millions of women's own experience that the clitoris and especially compared to its high-profile acquaintance was the trigger for orgasm. Every sexologist from Hite so alleged counterpart, the penis. References to the penis to to Dr. Ruth has made it clear coun- often go without mention of its orgasm-producing that the clitoris is the place to stimulate a woman to or- sexual terpart in women that it sometimes seems as if the gasm. Yet the sexual culture's focus on intercourse con- far culture had undergone a clitoridectomy. The vagina gets tinues undeterred. Freud's contention that women who it is more attention than the clitoris, and not just because came only via clitoral stimulation suffered from a - the pathway to the and conceprion. The vagina "" still infects how people talk clitoris ters because it provides pleasure to the penis. The about sex, and there is a lingering sentiment that the to sometimes receives perfunctory attention as a prelude "vaginal orgasm" should be a mature woman's goal. suffi- intercourse, but that stimulation is usually neither Other misconceptions haunt the clitoris as well. Up- orgasm. cient nor appropriate for setting off a woman's dated sex manuals such as Sex: A Man's Guide by Ste- the loca- Given its low profile, it is not surprising that fan Bechtel, Laurence Roy Stains, and the editors of for tion, size, and behavior of the clitoris is a mystery Men's Health Books and Mind-blowing Sex in the Real considered some men. One woman told us that she has World: Hot Tips for Doing It in the Age ofAnxiety by of her pinning up a picture over her bed with a diagram Sari Locker describe the woman's clitoris as "the only d a label genitals with arrows pointing to her clitoris an organ designed solely for pleasure." But even their inac- "Touch here:' curate hyperbole (since men have this sensitive organ, order Even men who earnestly search out the clitoris in too)does not raise the clitoris to the stature ofthe penis. finding or to pleasure their partner often have trouble Sex remains focused on penis-in-vagina intercourse, with keeping track of it. Others have difficulty staying often to the exclusion ofthe kinds of sexual activity that or they are it long enough to allow the woman to come, directly stimulate the clitoris. In women's magazines, satisfac- not sure how to stimulate it to their partner's for example, articles on sex dutifully mention the im- too tion. When men realize that they have a clitoris portance of clitoral stimulation for women's orgasm, but they may (which, as we will show, is inside their penis), rather than encouraging women to stimulate the clitoris on a be better able to appreciate why it is worth finding directly, they frequently end up advising women to get woman. on top in intercourse and hope for the best. to instruct Women themselves may often be unable There are signs that the clitoris is beginning to get no- female their partner because their own familiarity with ticed. Many sex educators, activists, and researchers are their anatomy is limited. Many women avoid touching trying to bring the clitoris out into public discussion. basis with the genitals, and few are on the same first-name Humor books such as Holly Hughes's Clit Notes put penis. their own clitoris that they are with their partner's word on the front table of some bookstores and woman- the ex- Boys grow up hearing jokes and stories about friendly sex outlets such as Good Vibrations and Eve's so in- ploits ofthe penis, but girls hear the word clitoris Garden advertise vibrators and other sex toys in main- the accent frequently that many are not even sure where stream magazines. But in a sexual culture either afraid A boy falls (cli-to-ris and cli-tor'-is are both acceptable). or disinclined to examine women's genitals too closely, can do, but often learns from other boys what his penis there are still millions of women and men who remain girls and a girl rarely talks about her clitoris with other unaware of the clitoris's orgasmic power. few get acquainted with it on their own. Indeed a woman aware that she can reach adulthood without even being It's the G Spot,Too has a clitoris. If a girl discovers clitoral pleasure, she The G Spot by Alice Kahn Ladas, often does so only by accident. The exact location ofthe In 1982, a book called and John D. Perry brought attention to good feeling between her legs remains a mystery to her. Beverly Whipple, female s~ua1 pleasure at a spot that can Contributing to the clitoris's anonymity are sex ed- another source of vagina a few inches inside on the ucation texts that portray it as a tiny organ that "hides" be reached through the women familiar with pleasur- beneath its hood when erect, invoking the stereotype front wall. With the book, finally had their experience that women are sexually shy. Even when the sexual able sensations from that area believed that the G spot was culture does acknowledge the clitoris, it cuts the organ validated. But some femuusts of all, it seemed to revive down to a smaller size. Few women or men are aware just a craze or a fad. Worst Chapter 9 Sexuality 477

Freud's notion ofthe vaginal orgasm. Many women never neither names for genital parts nor words to describe the even bothered to look for the G spot because they consid- sexual techniques that make sex orgasmic. New words ered it a hoa7c, while others saw it as just one more sexual and a new language for sex will allow women to talk goal women were expected to achieve. Despite the contro- with and learn from one another. A new vocabulary will versy, the book helped women who were willing to ex- help women to communicate with a partner and will fun- plore to find their G spot.(Using the fingers works better damentally change how women and men have sex. than searching with their partner's penis.) A woman we Some new terms for women's genitals we develop in lrnow in her forties who never read the earlier book only this book include: found her G spot recently after reading Chapter 6 of this book."I can't believe I've been having sex all these years Orgasmic Crescent. This is our term for the and didn't lrnow about this!" she told us. crescent-shaped area that is women's pleasure Some researchers hypothesize that the G spot is the center. The orgasmic crescent begins at the clitoris female prostate gland, similax to the male prostate gland. and extends back across the opening ofthe Men's prostate gland is also sexually sensirive and can be (another sexual area) and up inside the vagina be- stimulated along the front anal wall, while the woman's hind the pubic bone to the G spot. T'he swell G spot can be stimulated along the front vaginal wall. when a woman is erect. Srimulating all the areas (Women can get "prostate" cancer,too, although it is less along the orgasmic crescent at the same time can common and usually not life-threatening.)Although it is give a woman a powerful orgasm. Some women stimulated through the vagina, the G spot surrounds the also ejaculate. urethra. Stimulating the G spot with the fingers, what Cligeva (cli-GEE-va).'This is our name for we call G spotting, creates pleasurable feelings and can women's genitals as a whole. No word now exists lead to orgasm. that includes all of women's sexual parts. T'he G spotting also makes some women ejaculate. Like word combines the most unportant sexual parts male , is a pleasurable sex- for women's pleasure. The word combines the ual experience in which fluid spurts out of the urethra. first syllable of each sexual part—the clitoris, the Yet women who ejaculate are often told they are "urinat- G spot, and the vagina. The final "a" also refers ing." If they look female ejaculation up in books, they to the anus, an often overlooked site of pleasure. will find either no reference to it at all or contradictory The word also has the advantage of listing the opinions about what it is and doubts about whether it parts in the order in which many women like to occurs. Those who have experienced or observed female be genitally stimulated. ejaculation lrnow that it occurs, and that ejaculate does not smell or look like urine. It is thought to be prostatic We also use new words for sexual techniques that fluid similar to male ejaculate without the sperm. But focus on women's pleasure including: debate persists among researchers about where it comes Manual Sex. Many people use their hands in from and why only some women ejaculate. partner sex to great effect, yet they rarely use the The current sexual culture takes little account of either name for it, manual sex. Manual sex is a widely female ejaculation or the G spot because they do not fit practiced and highly pleasurable sexual art that into the existing framework for female sexuality. The has been trivialized as "foreplay" or "petting." current model of sex also keeps the clitoris a secret, de- As one of the most direct routes to orgasm for priving women ofthe information they need to enjoy or- women, it deserves being promoted to a category gasm. All of these secrets and misconceptions can be of sex on a paz with intercourse and oral sex. cleared away by reinventing sex from the inside of women's own experiences of pleasure. Clittage (cli-TAZI~. This is our word for the most basic kind of manual sex—manual stimula- tion of the clitoris. It combines clitoris and mas- Sex Transformed sage. Clittage or clitoral massage is the most Reinventing sex requires a new framework for under- common way women reach orgasm, yet this sex- standing the body and sexual activity. Because the sex- ual act has no name. Fingers—one's own or a ual culture has focused on men,and even sees women's partner's—can provide orgasmic pleasure at any bodies in terms of male (and, only secondarily, female) time, including during intercourse or in a mutu- pleasure, women currently lack the concepts and words ally orgasmic . Clittage can also be effec- with which to talk about their sexuality. Women have tivelyperformed with a vibrator. ,,

478 Chapter 9 Sexuality

Your (Society's) Sexual IQ Test Answers 1. b fluid is very small,so they are not aware of it. All women Most women reach orgasm from direct clitoral stim- have a prostate gland or G spot and a urethra and there- ulation,not from vaginal intercourse.Women who have foreall are potentially capable of ejaculating.Yet hecause orgasms during intercourse are probablydoing so pri- the sexual culture rarely acknowledges female ejacula- marilybecause ofclitoral stimulation,eitherfrom indi- tion,most neither find their G spot nor learn how to ejac- rectpressure or from direct manual stimulation.While ulate.Womenwho doejaculate are sometimes told they feelings of love certainly can enhance sexual pleasure, are urinating and some women stifletheirejaculations. love does not provide the genital stimulation needed Others mistake the fluid as an abundance of vaginal for orgasm. juices. But female ejaculate comes out of the urethra, 2. a just as it does in men,and is a watery fluid chemically The shape of the entire clitoris resembles afour-inch similar to prostatic fluid in men. wishbone.lt extends from the external and visible pea- 6. b sizedtip,upthe shaft and into the body.The legs of the Vaginal intercourse lasts an average of two to three clitoris inside the body split off like those of a wishbone minutes.The average length of the whole sexual en- onto either side of the vaginal walls. Men also have a cli- counter is typicallyjustfifteen minutes.5ex that begins toris inside the penis that is the same size as women's with the man's erection and ends when he comes rarely (relative to body size), but its legs are shorter.The tip of lasts more than an hour. the man's clitoris cannot be touched directly because 7. c it lies underneath the head of the penis.The tip of the It takes women and men about the same amount woman's clitoris is usually compared to the whole penis, of time—about four to five minutes,on average—to but this is like comparing a part to a whole.The more reach orgasm.When women take longer to come than accurate comparison is between the entire female and men or do not come at all, it is usually because they the entire male clitoris,from tip to legs. are not getting adequate clitoral stimulation. 3. c 8. F Sex between a woman and a man is usually consid- Most body parts are not optional. If some women ered over when the man ejaculates (it is assumed he has have a G spot, it is likely that all women do. Many had an orgasm,too).The woman's orgasm (and certainly women have never looked for their G spot because not her ejaculation) is not a required part of sex as cur- they are either unaware of it or doubt it exists. Rather rentlydefined. than asking whether or not all women have a G spot, 4. a women should be asking why it remains a mystery in- The pelvic muscle (specifically the PC or pubococ- stead of being treated as a pleasurable fact of a cygeusmuscle) usuallycontracts duvingorgasm inboth woman's sexual experience. women and men. Masters and Johnson observed a red 9. F flush on some women's chests during orgasm,but most Some women get wet when they are sexually ex- women do not experience or observe this. A woman and cited,yetall women are made to feel that vaginal lubri- a man can tell when a woman is having an orgasm by cation is a measure of their sexual "responsiveness." the buildup of her erection,her PC muscle contractions, Vaginal wetness is not always an accurate way to and the subsequent release of muscle tension and blood evaluate a woman's state of arousal. The more use- in her genitals. ful indicator in both women and men is the genital Many men expect women to make the same synthe- engorgement and muscle tension that occurs with sized moans during orgasm that women perform in erection. pornographic movies and on records. Instead,when her 10. T attention is truly riveted on the pleasure in her body,a When a woman is aroused, her genitals, including woman may let out a scream or make no sound at all. the clitoris and G spot,engorge with blood and the PC There is no standard performance for orgasm. muscle becomes taut.This same process is cared an 5. c erection in men.Women's genital have so far It is not known what percentage of women ejaculate. gone ignored and unnamed. It is possible that all women ejaculate but the amount of Chapter 9 Sexuality 479

G Spotting. Another kind of manual sex involves Mutual Erection. The genitals of both women stroking the G spot with the fingers. G spotting and men become erect when sexually aroused. can also be done with a or performed by a Even though women's genitals become engorged man with his erect penis. (and therefore erect), women's erections have • Forget Foreplay. In a sexual culture that includes been ignored. Erection is as conducive to a women's pleasure,"foreplay" will disappear. Instead woman's orgasm as it is to a man's. Similarly, a of being treated as a prelude to sex, the manual and woman's erection is as essential for intercourse oral sex that now make up foreplay would become as a man's penis. Vaginal penetration is far more the central features of sex. pleasurable for a woman when she is erect. Mu- tual erection makes intercourse an orgasmic • Ladies First. This rule of orgasmic etiquette experience for both partners. appears in many sex manuals but is frequently ig- nored in practice. Ladies first reminds a man that New words and concepts for sex will enable women woman's orgasm (at least her first one)ideally to bridge the orgasm gap. Sex will not longer take place comes before intercourse and always before the solely on men's terms. Instead, it will unfold accord- man ejaculates. This ensures a woman of orgasm ing to a new sexuality that is equally oriented toward every time she has sex with a man. women's pleasure.

~~ The New View Manifesto ~~ A New View of Women's Sexual Problems `y by The Working Group on A New View of Women's Sexual Problems'

Introduction: Beyond the Medical These "dysfunctions" are disturbances in an as- Model of Sexuality sumed universal physiological sexual response pattern ("normal function") originally described by Masters n recent years, publicity about new treatments for and Johnson in the 1960s.3 This universal pattern men's erection problems has focused attention on begins, in theory, with sexual drive, and proceeds 'women's sexuality and provoked a competitive com- sequentially through the stages of desire, arousal, and mercial hunt for "the female Viagra."But women's sex- orgasm. ualproblems differ from men's in basic ways which are In recent decades, the shortcomings ofthe framework, not being examined or addressed. We believe that a fun- as it applies to women, have been amply documented.4 damental barrier to understanding women's sexuality is The three most serious distortions produced by a frame- the medical classification scheme in current use, devel- work that reduces sexual problems to disorders of phys- oped by the American Psychiatric Association (APA) iological function, comparable to breathing or digestive for its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual ofDisorders disorders, are: (DSO in 1980, and revised in 1987 and 1994.2 It di- vides (both men's and) women's sexual problems into 1. A false notion of sexual equivalency between four categories of sexual "dysfunction": men and women. Because the early researchers disorders, sexual arousal disorders, orgasmic disorders, emphasized similarities in men's and women's and sexual pain disorders. physiological responses during sexual activities,

"The New View Manifesto: A New View of Women's Sexual Problems," by The Working Group on A New View of Women's Sexual Problems, www.Fsd-alert.org. 0c 2007 New View Campaign. Used by permission of New View Campaign.