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After a few minutes on this erotic edge,Nikki begins to worry that Joe wants to move on.5he gets up,straddles him,and together they roll on a condom.Nikki massages on some lubrication then slips Joe's penis into her vagina.She caresses his penis inside her, alternately tightening and releasing her vaginal muscles. As Joe's excitement builds, Nikki senses that her own arousal is not keeping pace. The intensity of her pleasure dissipates,and she feels her orgasm slipping away. Nikki does not want to deny Joe his pleasure,so they flip over.Joe thrusts rhythmically and deeply inside her,then quickly comes.Nikki is disappointed that she has not had an orgasm,but as they rest in each other's arms,she takes pleasure in their intimacy. "The Orgasm Gap," from The Sex You Want: A Lovers'Guide to Women's Sexual Pleasure by Marcia Douglass, Ph.D. and Lisa Douglass, Ph.D. Copyright O 1997, 2002 by Marcia Douglass and Lisa Douglass. All rights reserved. Reprinted by permission of Browne &Miller Literary Associates, Chicago,[L. Chapter 9 Sexuality 467 or Nikki, as for most women, orgasm in sex is like ioo a mirage: It appears on the horizon one minute, 90 like a delicious glass of water to a thirsty traveler. ao But the next minute—poof!—it is gone. Sometimes, es- pecially when she is on top during intercourse, Nikki ~o comes, too. But at other times, she fakes orgasm.(Actu- 60 she just lets Joe believe she ally, has come.) Occasionally, 50 when Joe asks, Nikki tells him,"It felt great! Really, it's 40 OK.I love just being close to you." These are words that Joe has never uttered. He never has to: Like most men, 30 Joe always has an orgasm when he has sex. As Joe begins 20 snore in satisfied slumber, Nikki lies awake frying to to io convince herself that it really was good for her, too. Most men would not see the point of sex if their or- Men Women gasms were so elusive. Yet Nikki and millions of other The Orgasm Gap heterosexual women put up with unsatisfying sex on a regular basis, and the sexual culture—the way people in our society define sex—seems undisturbed by this fact. The orgasm gap between women and men is not just Both women and men expect sex to be a physically sat- an individual problem. Nikki's experience of hit-or-miss isfying experience, but for many women it is not. Al- orgasm is typical of sex for heterosexual women in the thoughsex virtually always includes his orgasm, hers is United States today. Seventy-five percent of men have optional—nice, but not necessary. orgasm in partner sex on a regular basis, but only 29 The orgasm gap disrupts the pleasure of sex for both percent of women do. Two-thirds of women have or- Nikki and Joe. When Joe comes but Nikki does not, they gasms only sometimes or not at a11. It is difficult to imag- both feel frustrated or somehow deficient. Nikki thinks it ine men accepting sex that excluded their orgasm. Yet is her mood.I just could not let go tonight. Sometimes she because women have learned to accept this double stan- blames how she looks.If I could just lose ten pounds. Joe dard, the orgasm gap has hardly budged over decades of feels he has not "performed" adequately. Maybe ifI had social change—the sexual revolution of the 1960s, the lasted longer. Maybe ifmy penis were bigger. Nikki and Joe women's movement ofthe 1970s, the antisex backlash in tell themselves that orgasm is always harder for women to the era of AIDS in the 1980s, and into the sexual achieve. Womenjust do not come as easily as men. quandary of the 1990s. The 29/75 gap continues today What Nikki and Joe never blame is the way they have in a social environment that appears to be more open sex. For them, sex is synonymous with intercourse. They than ever about sex. Intimate details ofsexual activity are never have sex that does not include it. Intercourse gives now discussed in safer sex instruction, on television and Joe direct genital stimulation and virtually ensures his radio talk shows, and explicit sex acts are regularly por- orgasm. Nikki loves the way intercourse feels, too, but trayed in the popular media. But the orgasm gap is rarely most of the time it does not lead to her orgasm. discussed. It is simply accepted as the way sex is. Nikki lrnows that she comes every time she masturbates The orgasm gap between women and men is not re- by massaging her clitoris. But in partner sex, she never stricted to any particular group of people. It crosses all touches herself there. Joe pays her clitoris some attention lines of income, race, and ethnicity. It exists not only in during foreplay, but the stimulation he gives her usually every region of the United States but in every society stops short oforgasm. When they move to intercourse, the around the world. Its near universality is not, however, clitoris is all but forgotten. Nikki enjoys the feeling of Joe's proofthat the orgasm gap is inevitable. Women are not in- penis inside her, but because penetration bypasses the cli- herently less orgasmic than men. In fact, women are phys- toris, it does not make her come. Sometimes Nikki is icallycapable ofmultiple orgasms, and most women who tempted to ask Joe to keep his fingers on her clitoris a lit- masturbate reach orgasm without fail. Women who have tlelonger ar to give her cunnilingus. But having an orgasm sex with a female partner come 83 percent of the time. from manual or oral sex is seen as inferior somehow. Both Clearly, the problem lies not with women themselves, Nikki and Joe have learned that orgasm should come from but in the way heterosexuals have sex. intercourse. So they cut foreplay short and begin penetra- Most people attribute the orgasm gap to biology and tion, even though it is likely to mean that sex will soon ignore the fact that people learn to have sex and to have culminate in his, but not her, orgasm. orgasms according to the beliefs of their particular 468 Chapter 9 Sexuality in 100 women's orgasm is mentioned sex manuals and se so education texts, a woman can easily miss this importa~ fact. Most women eventually discover the so clitoris orgasm connection. But then they face the higher h~.d ~o of making this lrnowledge mesh with the way their p~ so ner (and the sexual culture) expects them to have sex. he information woman receives 50 T a about orgasm often so garbled and contradictory that she gives up ~~ 40 ing to have one.