The Fioretti (1963)

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The Fioretti (1963)

Marian University - Indianapolis

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I THE FI'ORETTI

!

VOLUME XXU NUMBER 1 Indianapolis, Indiana 1963-1964

I

. ' I

AN ANTHOLOGY OF

MARIAN COLLEGE

PROSE AND VERSE

------I THE STAFF

Editor-in-Chief

Donna Tatroe, '64

Assistant Editors

Patricia Felke, '64

Miriam Kaeser, '66

Judith Koeck, '66

Evelynn Looney, '66

Mary Ann Werbinski, '66

Illustrators

Maureen Loughlin, '64 for "The Penthouse"

Kuniko Lucy Kato, '64 for "Hootenanny Hollow"

Mike Leonard, '66 and Kathy Stapleton, '65

for John F. Kennedy CONTENTS In Memoriam: John F. Kennedy

Article

Naturalism and the Hero 14 Betty Talley In Search of Me 17 Mary Margaret Turk

Fiction

The Penthouse 6 Ronald Roembke The Fish Donlt Laugh 20 John M. Ford The Bereavement 24 Paul Forssander Goodbye Cleo 28 Bill Willmering Another Step 33 Dave Armborst Hootennanny Hollow 35 Valerie Miller

Poetry

Leviathan 12' Karen Angela Cox And Four to Go 18 Evelynn Looney

"L" Station Pigeons 27 Karen Angela Cox Little Things 40 Theresa Meyer From Inaugural Address Delivered at U.S. Capitol, January 20, 1961.

" . . . Let the word go forth from this time and place, to friend and foe alike, that the torch has been passed to a new generation of Americans-born in this century, tempered by war, disciplined by a cold and bitter peace, proud of our ancient heritage -and unwilling to witness or permit the slow undoing of those human rights to which this nation has always been committed and to which we are committed today. "Let every nation know, whether it wish us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, sup­ port any friend or oppose any foe in order to assure the survival and success of liberty. " ... And if a beachhead of co-operation can be made in the jungles of suspicion, let both sides join in the next task; creating, not a new balance of power, but a new world of law, where the strong are just and the weak secure and the peace preserved forever. ... And so, my fellow Americans: Ask not what your country will do for you-ask what you can do for your country. "My fellow citizens of the world: Ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do for the freedom of man. "Finally, whether you are citizens of America or of the world, ask of us the same high standards of strength and sacri­ fice that we shall ask of you. With a good conscience our only sure reward, with history the final judge of our deeds, let us go forth to lead the land we love, asking His blessing and Hishe1p, but knowing that here on earth God's work must truly be our own. "

JOHN FITZGERALD KENNEDY

4

the PENTHOUSE RONALD ROEMBKE, '66

That was Frank Coombs for There was something eerie you; he had to pick a night like about the apartment house. this to settle his affairs. Chet Chet shrugged it off. The Brander tightened his muffler house was new and there were around his throat and dug his not many tenants as yet. gloved hands .into his overcoat Coombs had been one of the pockets, but there was no way first to sign a lease, and ' for of bal~ricading his body from nothing less than the penthouse the sub-zero cold. The city at that. streets seemed glazed with ice, At the door of the penthouse, and the taxis rumbled past the Chet stabbed the bell and mut­ corner with douds of frost bil­ tered, "Big shot!" I·owing from their exhaust pipes. The wind carried knives; vVarmth flooded the doorway Chet winced at every thrust, when Coombs answered-pleas­ and was almost tempted to ant steam heat - and - fireplace forget the whole thing, but he warmth, whiskey warmth and couldn·t afford it. Tonight was the warmth of geniality. That the payoff night, and he longed was Coombs for you, the per­ to get hands on the money that fect host, always ready to make had liIlgered so long in Frank's you feel welcome, and all so pocket. smoothly that you hardly notice He caught a cab and pro­ the hand dipping into your ceeded on his way. vVhen he pocket to count the contents of arrived at Coombs' apartment your wallet. "Chester !" Coombs house the arctic wind had blurted. "Nice of you to come grown even more insufferable. out on a lousy night like this. He was grateful when the glass Come on in, fella!" doors closed behind him. Brander went 111, shedding 6 his coat as he followed Coombs I want to show you the place." into the lavish living room. "I saw it." "Let me take your things. I "You didn't see the best keep it real warm in here," part." He swept his hand Coombs said. around the room, encompassing "I'll hold on to them," the wide, heavily draped win­ Brander said looking around. dows. "I got three hundred "Yeah, it's quite a place, Frank. feet of terrace out there, and Sure you can afford it?" it's all mine. Greatest view of Coombs laughed. "Don't the city you ever saw." He worry about old Frankie. vVhen strode over to the double doors I told you I knew my invest­ and flung them open, admitting ments, I knew what I was talk­ an inquisitive cloud of cold air. ing about. You won't regret "Hey," Brander said. lending me that dough, Chet, " Come on, you won't freeze. take my word for it." Just take a look at this view. "Then the deal worked out?" How about that, huh? Gets you Coombs coughed. "Let's have right here, don't it ?" a drink, pal. vVe've got a lot "What are all the bars for?" to talk about." Brander said. "vVe can have a drink later. "vVhy the window bars?" Look, Frank, '1 came out on a Coombs stuttered. "You know l~ight like this for more than me, Chet. Never trust any­ just my health. You made a body. Now you stay out here lot of big promises about that while I go fix us a drink." dough, and now I have to Chet looked around and felt know. Is it a payoff, or a stall?" strange and restless and ex­ Coombs downed a drink in alted. As if in a dream, he three large gulps, and said, "It's looked, until he realized that a payoff, Chet, like I told you. he was coatless and hatless in Before you leave, I'll give you the worst cold that had de­ a check for every nickel you scended upon the city in seven loaned me. Plus." years. Shivering, he turned "Plus what?" back to the doorway of the Coombs laughed again, and warm apartment just in time took a step forward, swaying to see Coombs, calmly and with­ slightly. "You'll see, Chet, like out hurry, closing the iron ter­ I told you. But come on, pal, race doors. 8 "Hey," he said, shaking the Coombs' apartment. There was knob. "Open up, Frank." Be­ none. Already his feet had be­ hind the door, Coombs grinned, come numb; he no longer felt Ii fted the glass in salute, and them. He clapped his hands to­ walked away. gether, and then pounded them "Hey," he yelled again. By over his body in an effort to this time he was cold and be­ keep his blood circulating. coming annoyed with Coombs' "Got to keep moving," he little prank. muttered. "Keep moving . . ." Then the lights went out in He began to run. He kept in the apartment. running wildly, staggering It was only then that Chet around the terrace, until his Brander knew that Coombs had breath left him, and he fell, planned more than an impulsive panting, to the frigid floor. prank. He wasn't going to "Got to get help," he said to open the sturdy door that led himself. back into the warmth, not in He began a frantic search of the next minute, or the next his pockets. His hands first hour. 11aybe even-- touched the bulk of his wallet. "Frank!" Brander screamed, but his fingers barely felt the and realized that he .could bare­ leather. He looked at it stupid­ ly hear his own voice as the ly for a moment, and then took wind' came by and swallowed it to the wall. He wanted to the syllables greedily. "Let me write a note, but he had no in !" Brander yelled soundlessly, pencil. He looked at his wallet, hammering and pounding and and then flung it over the wall. kicking at the door. He lost sight of it at once, and Suddenly a cold gripped his there was no hope of rescue in flesh biting to his bones. The his heart. vicious wind whirled the frost In his breast pocket he found like an icy shroud around his a key. It was the key to body. Cold so terrible and so Coombs' apartment. He almost inescapable that Chet Brander threw it away. Then he real­ had thoughts of death and the ized Coombs must have put it grave. in his pocket in order to ex­ He made a circuit around plain how he got out on the the terrace, searching for some terrace. Coombs was clever. weakness in the fortress of Brander kept the key. It was 9 his only link with the warmth the luxury of falling, the tran­ inside. He couldn't part with quility of death, but he kept on. it. Finally he made it to the top; He went back to the door at last he made it. and hammered on it until the Moving around, his hand skin on his hands cracked and touched a door knob, and he bled. Then he fell into a heap cried out in relief. Then the and sobbed. cry turned into a moan. The When he got to his feet door was locked. again, he was in a delirium. As He leaned against a tall tele­ he walked aimlessly a wire vision antenna and tried to brushed his face. He gripped keep his senses. the wire with his numb hands "They say don't fall asleep," and yanked. It was strong. If he thought, chuckling in his he could climb it. . . . throat. He tensed every muscle in Suddenly, he began ripping at his body, and -held on. Then the antenna wires, tugging at he leaped off the ground and everyone he could find. He swung his feet to the penthouse fell exhausted, and tried to re­ wall. member how prayer went. Minutes later, a light ex­ F or a second, he was frozen ploded on the roof. into a motionless posture, un­ able to move, willing to give up "Hey, will you look at this ?" and die rather than force his he heard a voice say. aching body into action again. "Must be some kind of a Then he thought of Coombs' nut ...." silken smile, and the hate gave "I thought my picture was him strength. He inched up­ acting funny, but I thought it wards, slowly, the smooth wire was just the wind." cutting like a razor's edge into "I haven't been getting any his palms. picture . . . and right in the It was agony. He went up middle of a show ...." another inch, and then turned Hands touched him. \Al arm his eyes into the darkness. He hands. They took him inside saw the lights of the city as so and nursed him back to con­ many fires of hell. sciousness. Another inch. Another. He After several hours Brander wanted to let go, and enJoy awoke from a deep sleep.

10 "Got to get going," he said race doors before Coombs could and rushed from the room and return. He won the race easily, down the hall to the apartment slamming the steel doors slmt of Coombs. even before Coombs was dose He didn't turn on the lights enough to see his triumphant as he entered. He went to the face. But he waited behind the closet and found his overcoat, wire-meshed diamond pane of his hat and his muffler. Then glass, waiting for Coombs to he went to the double doors of get near enough to know, to the terrace, unlatched them, and understand. opened them a scant two inches. "Brander !" he heard Coombs He returned to Coombs' sofa, cry, his voice muffled and thin. and sat down in the dark to "For God's sake, Brander, let wait. me in!" At 1 :30 he heard the key turn Chet smiled and moved away. in the lock. He rose unhurried­ " Don't try messing with the ly and went toward the door of antennas," he said, although he the bedroom, concealing him­ knew Coombs could not hear self behind it. him. "Nobody's watching T.V. tonight. . . ." The front door opened. "Chet! Chet! Chet!" Coombs, muttering, stepped in­ side. He stumbled about tht. Outside, in the hallway, he darkened room, dropping his could no longer hear the sound overcoat on the carpet, before of Coombs' pleas. He took the his hand found the light switch. elevator to the ground floor and Then, still muttering, he looked nodded pleasantly at the door­ bleakly toward the terrace, and man who was looking skyward chuckled drunkenly. with a frown. Suddenly, he ran to the doors "Bad night," Chet said, con­ and found them to be unlatched. versationally. He opened them wide and "And getting worse," the stepped out onto the terrace. doorman answered, holding out "Brander!" He shouted in a broad flat palm. "See what's chorus with the wind. coming now?" But Brander wasn't there. "What?" Chet asked, look­ Brander was racing across the ing at the sky. carpet of the penthouse living "Snow," the doorman said. room, racing to reach the ter- Chet corrected him, "Sleet." 11 Past the pale lilacs Past the young girls Past the sheep Past pulsing powerpoles

arteries of Apollo

Past the weepers Loveless sleepers Faceless foetuses On the edge of not

proceed

go

12 Sconestone Wombstone Tombstone Brimstone Stone-deaf uncaring singing end song fecal fensong know but one song singsong longsong sing the gone song go Past the blind babies Past the crisscross crucifixes Xanthippe mourns below Into the tunnel Beardown Barrel on A black bitch with a black heart sphincterismus of the city

subway

KAREN ANGELA Cox, '66

13 NATURALISM

and the HERO

A Study of Stephen Crane's

The Red Badge of Courage

by Betty Talley

In his novel The R ed Badge of Courage) Stephen Crane tells t1!e story of a: young soldier who, after his first experience in battle, deserts his comrades only later to return and subsequently to· become a hero. The young man, Henry Fleming, gains reac­ ceptance from his fellows by displaying his red badge of courage which, in reality, is neither a wound received in battle nor one inflicted by the hand of the enemy. Herein lies the crux of the matter: one usually envisages a hero as one who, from the outset, displays great fortitude and valor; Crane, in contrast. conceives heroism as attained by overcoming fear and cowardice. The basic ingredient of heroism in its conventional sense is courage. Taken from the Latin cor) meaning "heart," courage denotes that quality of mind which enables one to encounter dangers and difficulties with firmness, or without fear, or fainting of heart. National cultures have always treasured heroic person­ ages. Greek tradition, for example, abounds in tales of dauntless men. Not the least of these is Achilles, the steadfast hero of Homer's epic. In Roman literature, Aeneas stands out as the ideal 14 of strength and valor. Entrusted with the mISSIon of founding the city of Rome, Aeneas withstands the storms of the sea, the dangers of the underworld, and the temptations of Dido to lead his people to their new home. Shakespeare's Juliet takes the sleep­ ing potion and braves the terrors of the tomb to safeguard her bond with Romeo. In each of these three we find a strength of character that allows for forgetfulness of self in the face of con­ flict. This strength, latent before the crisis, blossoms forth to meet the challenge. Heroism, then, entails both a courageous person and a cir­ cumstance that calls for heroism. Each of our· classic examples­ Achilles, Aeneas, and Juliet-was an extraordinary person labor­ ing under extraordinary circumstances. One can only wonder whether Juliet would have attained equal heroism under different circumstances; or, likewise, whether Achilles could have equaled the performance of Aeneas given the Trojan leader's particular situation. Which, then, is the more important component of heroism, strength of character or a demanding circumstance? The traditional view of the hero holds that personal valor is 110t only the more important but also prior of the two. Stephen Crane, however, would have us believe that it is circumstance that makes the hero. vVhen first confronted with the terrors of . actiye battle, Crarie's hero flees; he hasn't yet the means of facing battle straightforwardly. Henry Fleming must develop the means of attaining heroism by first meeting a conflict. Crane views the war as an impersonal force dominating the lives of the men involved in it. This attitude is characteristic of the naturalistic determinism to which the author subscribes. Ex­ plicit evidence of this philosophy can be found in passages like the following: But he instantly saw that it would be impossible for him to escape from the regiment. It enclosed him. And there were iron laws of tradition and law on four sides. He was in a moving box. Or again, He became not a man but a member. He felt that some­ thing of which he was a part--a regiment, an army, a cause, or a country-was in a crisis. He was welded into a personality which was dominated by a single 15 desire. For some moments he could not flee, no more than a little finger can commit a revolution from a hand. It is this war, this "red animal," that brings about the change in Henry. Before encountering the war, he was an idealistic, im­ mature youth; but once subjected to the theater of war, Henry can no longer avoid the unpleasant and painful elements of life. How does the idealist respond to reality forced upon him? Henry leaves the war of muskets and broken bodies to enter a battle of mental questionings and soul searchings. Battle then ensues both inside and outside him. The result of these spiritual struggles is a self-justification of his plight. Upon seeing a squirrel flee from a falling nut, Henry realizes that he. like the squirrel, is but a helpless, insig­ nificant victim in the wake of impending danger. He, therefore. has had no other recourse than flight. Seeing that his comrades are approaching victory, Henry returns to the regiment with his ironical red badge of courage. Though an outward sign of his internal triumph, it isn't yet indicative of physical bravery. ,!\Then, . at last, Henry achieves both internal and external satisfaction he becomes a man and a hero. The naturalistic hero and the conventional hero display sim­ ilarities basic . to the very essence of heroism. For all practical purposes, Henry Fleming leading his regiment in battle and Aeneas carrying his father through the streets of burning Troy are equally heroic; each has demonstrated courage in the face of danger. The difference between them lies in the hero's motivation. Aeneas acts' heroically because he had already cultivated those qualities of mind which lead to heroism. Henry Fleming, lacking fortitude at the beginning of war, overcomes his former appre­ hensions because of the circumstances imposed upon him. vVhereas the conventional hero attains his stature from qualities within himself, the naturalistic hero acts from an instinctive response to the forces playing upon him. To say which of these two concepts is the more accurate interpretation of heroism would be very difficult. More important to consider is the value of courage. Courage spurs men on to great deeds. Courage bespeaks a nobleness of mind and heart and action that will extend itself from the moment of heroism to the whole of life. 16 which every worldly existence was trying to rob her? This lost in search body was desperately reaching for the only valuable possession she could selfishly claim as her very own. The only sel f she of could touch was irresponsible, filled with self-pity and satu­ rated with the worst case of me "lack 0 f self confidence." Through the years she had come to hate that self she saw MARY MARGARET TURK, '64 in the mirror, heard talking, felt walking and imaged in the She walks, she talks, some­ minds of society. That hate had times she even smiles. She had even penetrated into her own the body of a woman while still little dream world. Why? Be­ a child and at the age of twenty­ cause each little movement one, she had the mind of an made her feel more like a pro­ adolescent. From the time of duct of a cookie cutter. She her conception, she began to sought for herself in others and fight a never-ending struggle to she became a clown as she imi­ stay alive. Life was her eternal tated them to find her own self. battlefield and she fought like She idolized people, found their an infant, helpless. Her de­ most priceless traits and tried fenses were primitive in a to make them hers, only to struggle which was far beyond stumble and fall like a gangling her strength. Her main enemy ass that had not experienced the was herself-that untouchable wonder of legs. self which she, did not know but vVas she really irresponsible searched for with every faculty and selfish? Can an infant, un­ she could employ. In her own sure who she is, give of herself environment she was an oddity. unselfishly? I f this be so, she Even though she was a product would only be returning to the of the little world around her, world what it had given her and she attempted to fight off every then be reprimanded for being, influence to find herself. selfish. How can she be selfish The real me - where could when she has nothing of her she find that priceless gift of very own to give .... 17 The world was cold or so I thought. There was no love for me who fought for you and lost.

But you are gone, Another's come. To me he bore his heart and one thing more, mine.

18 We walked among the cherry trees, Sang lovesongs to the winds, We laughed eternity away, Only later did I count my sins.

J\f;fJht and :J.)alj My life without your love, my dear, Is not so empty as it seems. You took the sun that lit my life But left the moon's reflected dreams.

The dinosaurs have fought, And the ape has thought, Welcome, rodent, Please pay by the tenth.

EVELYNN LOONEY, '66

19 For some reason I'm sitting here in the middle of the front row. I really don't know why, because I don't like crowds and usually sit around in the back Fish of the room. Maybe it's because of the cold weather and my cold feet. Anyhow, I just feel like sitting with a bunch of people -not talking-j ust being near them. Sometimes I feel that way. Usually when I sit in a class my mind begins to wander. I guess everybody's does. It's just something that happens. You Don't can't help it. People are like that. You can't keep everybody interested all the time. I sit down next to this girl I know, not because she's espe­ cially neat or anything. Actu­ ally, she has a real bad looking helmet. Anyway, I sit down next to her and she smiles and I smile. God, but that's ridicu­ lous. She probably doesn't like Laugh me any more than I like her, and I'm a bigger jerk for smil­ ing back than she is for smiling in the first place. But, then, I guess if everybody only smiled at people they liked, not too many people would smile very often. The bell rings and the teacher JOHN M. FORD~ '66 begins class like a robot or

20 something. He reminds me of He's got his hand up now like myoId uncle John, the way he's he's trying to sa ve the class always using his hands to de­ from an attack of man-eating scribe things. But 01 ' John died flies . of sclerosis or something a long time ago. Good old uncle J olm. All of a sudden I feel ter­ I'll bet there's nothing left of rible. Not for any particular him by now except a few dusty reason-just rotten. Anyway, I 01' bones. He's kind of lucky in have this queer feeling in my a way. stomach and my head, like there's about fifty zillion tons I realize that I'm not paying of gravity pulling on each of any attention to the class be­ them in opposite directions. I cause the professor calls on me get real dizzy and I'm scared to answer a simple question and I might pass out. I have to say I don't know the I decide there's one reason answer. It's embarrassing as why I feel so lousy. Like I said, hell when you can't answer a my mind's wandering and what simple question like that. Ev­ I was thinking about was my erybody in the class looks at parents. I guess I think about you like you're some kind of a them pretty 0 ften since they freak. died in that plane wreck. But that was three years ago. I There's this one real jerk I guess they were just about the see in the class who's got to best people I ever knew, but have his say about everything. then, that's sick sentimentalism. Somebody must have told him God, but I'm a baby. Every­ a long time ago that he could body dies. make people think he was real smart if he answered all the It's late in the afternoon and teacher's questions. He not only the wind's playing with the answers all the teacher's ques­ snow outside. It reminds me of tions, he even answers the ques­ Robert Frost and what he must tions of the other students have thought about when he when the teacher is in doubt. wrote "Stopping by Woods on And every time he opens his a Snowy Evening." He was mouth nothing comes out ex­ really wild about nature and cept some kind of meaningless stuff like that. I guess he could drivel that makes you think that make just about anything like maybe he's the "missing link." snow and rain seem real nice.

21 but they don't excite me too fight with Dianne a few days much. Oh, nature's all right, I ago and they're not speaking to guess, hut you can't ever tell each other now. He sits right what nature's gOil1g to do next. next to her in class. How any­ Nature gives you the feeling of body can be so nuts as to get silence and darkness, almost cut out of class just because overpowering you, but the ne­ he's mad at his girl is pure re­ cessity of going on is still pres­ tardedness. What's going to ent. It's weird and mixed up happen someday if they ever like a lot of people I know. I get married and have a fight? guess of all the poets Robert The professor in the front of Frost gets to me the best. He's the room reminds me of an old so real and simple that he's high school teacher I once had. sickening. Poe is like that too. He was about six yards around But I like him for another the waist and wore the grub­ reason. biest clothes you could imagine. A s I look around the class­ I really had to laugh the first room I see some students busily time I saw him. He never used taking notes while others are to talk very" much because all practicing their "artistic tal­ he could do was half-talk and ents" on their books or note­ half-grunt, but he tried to help books, trying to impress the everybody. Not too many high tea:cher by making him think school teachers do that. There they are taking down every weren't very many people who word he says. But he isn't im­ liked him, but I sort of thought pressed too much when exam he was a pretty cool guy. time comes around and some­ The class bell just rang and how they fail to be able to put I realize that I haven't heard down anything coherent on one thing that the teacher has their paper. And they wonder said, but that isn't too unusual. why. Then they go to the teacher and ask him how they Everybody's jamming the door­ can do better the next time. way as if there's a fire or some­ Brother! These are the people thing, and I fall in line like that really irritate me. It's all everybody else. It all seems sort so damn silly, it's pathetic. of mad and mechanical in a I see that Tim O'Brien isn't way. here again today. He had a Out in the hall I meet Grover

22 Eaton. He goes with Fern "VVell, maybe some other Fackenthal, the creepiest girl in time. See ya 'round. Mike." the school. They deserve each other "Yeh, see YOll around." "How's it going, Mike, 01 ' Since my classes are over for boy?" the day, I decide to take a walk Boy, if there's one expres­ around' the lake in the snow. sion that's overworked and I vVinter's kind of like a game, can't stand it's that one. He with me on one side and it on doesn't care if I die right now the other, challenging me to and get trampled by about a test it. Nature gives the worst . million students in the hall, and she's got in weather, and I have he asks me how it's going. He'd to fight back. It's fun in a way. probably laugh if I did die. It's · All the trees around the lake all so damn stupid I could just are bare except for the thin scream. "All right, I guess, covering of snow on the Grov." branches. The sound of the "Been sucking up some snow crunching under my feet knowledge 111 Doc Figge's with every step is a warm and class ?" friendly sound of winter. The lake has been cleared for ice He's always got to use some skating and I walk out on it. I asinine expression like "suck­ see a few small fish frozen in ing . up some knowledge" in­ the ice around me. It's kind of stead 0 f some normal expres­ sad in a way. The thought sion. "No, I haven't been suck­ crosses my mind that I might ing up very much knowledge at fall in and drown, but I can't all in Doc Figge's class." get particularly aroused by the "Whataya gonna do tonight? ,idea. \iVhy don't you get some Did you ever feel like laugh­ 'sweetie' lined up an' go sled­ ing until your insides were in din' with Fern and me? Should knots? Did you ever feel like be many grins." laughing and rolling around in He's got a simple little grin the snow? Or did you ever on his pimply face. "No, I've laugh because you just felt like got some studying to do to­ it? Well, that's the way I'm night, Grover, 01' buddy. You 1 aug h i n g. God, but it's know how it is." funny ,. 23 They say that all men have a kind of inward, or mental, change at one time or another in their lives. Whether this change is abrupt or gradual is of no real significance. However, the THE abrupt change is more notice­ able. So abrupt was this transfor­ mation in my case that it shat­ BEREA YEMENT tered my personality, shook the foundations of my brain, and affected my physical life. My religious life suffered temporar­ ily also; and, but for my strong religious background, it would have been permanently de­ stroyed. This disastrous trans­ formation befell me a year ago today. I recall the day with a kind of dread, and yet with a sensation that I must relive it once again. For many months, my wife's PAUL FORSSANDER) '67 social life and promiscuous drinking had taken me deeper "What time is it now?" and deeper into debt. My many "It's almost ten o'clock, son." pleas to her were but fruitless The eerie, echoing reply gestures and went unheeded. jolted me from my dream world When I finally realized that in and returned me to the realities the near future I would en­ of life. Life - man, ain't that counter bankruptcy, I made a one for the books! Funny how desperate decision. old :Mac called everyone son; E m b e z z I e men t is easy I'll wager that he has been here enough; especially when you since this towering tribute of are vice-president of a bank. I man's inhumanity to man was had access to the balance books, first constructed. and the chances of getting

24

. c..--

caught in the actual theft were about it. Dear Lord, help me small. The quirk of the matter die like a man. Forgive my un­ is that I fully intended to make pardonable wrong. Please don't gradual retribution. The odds let one day, out of an otherwise seemed fair enough so I decided good life, damn me for eternity. to proceed with my plan. vVhile I am lighting a cig­ "vVhat time, Mac?" arette, I hear the warden and "Eleven o'clock, son." the escort coming for me. My My stomach muscles sud­ breathing quickens. My hands denly tightened, and a cold chill grow weak and the cigarette thrust up my spine making my falls to the floor. My stomach shoulders momentarily shake muscles once again cramp. The uncontrollably. Not m u c h chill returns. The warden ar­ longer now. That feeling, that rives and I struggle defiantly to ungodly chill, the precisely same regain control of myself. As he kind of chill that invaded my opens the cell door he quietly entire being that fateful day. and calmly says: "Come on, The same kind of chill that I son." felt when the guard appre­ I guess that will be the last hended me in the safe. That time I hear that word. vVe walk same panic, that uncontrollable down the corridors, our foot­ consternation as I turned on the steps echoing. guard and slew him. "Oh, my vVe enter the execution God, forgive me," I had room, and as I sit in the chair sobbed. I say half-aloud, "So this is "Mac, Mac, dammit man, where it all ends." They are answer me !" strapping me in now. Lord, "What is it now, son ?" came they make those things tight the calm, far-off reply. enough. "vVhat do you think? vVhat I wonder what that first jolt time is it?" feels like? I wonder if my "It's not quite eleven-thirty, senses will live long enough to son." know that I am dead? I wonder An indescribable lonesome if old Mac--? and dejected feeling descended Back in an empty cell the upon me. I've got to control last dying ash of a cigarette myself; at least, I can die like emits one last puff of smoke. a man. I've got to stop thinking Cold ashes. Dust. 26 '''L'' STATION PIGEONS

Uniformed in sooty gray, The small army Struts on thin, pink feet Around the penny peanut stand Hunting for stray nuts Fallen from a clumsy hand And trampled in between the boards. They never seem to age or die But live Amid the rush-hour crowds Unruffled by winter wind. In faint distress The sentinels of Chicago Unfurl their slate gray sails; Rise at the warning Thunder on the tracks, And form a feathered arch above The Evanston express.

KAREN ANGELA Cox, '66

27 BILL WILLMERING, '66 goodby

Jack ambled out of the dorm "No thanks, \tValt. I've got to and down the steps. Then he study this history. Maybe some turned down the road to the other time." park. The air was warm but the ground was cold and damp. "Well, study hard, old boy." The trees along the street in Walt yelled as he put the car front of the dorm lifted up their in gear and roared off down naked limbs in the bright sun­ the street. light, Across the street on the lawn, between the library and \tVhen Jack reached the park, the physics lab, a baseball game he walked on the grass along was beginning. the river. Pushing a few damp leaves aside, he sat down near "N 0, I've got to study this history," Jack muttered to him­ one of the sycamore trees. Jack self and walked on. opened his book, but then he leaned back against the tree A few minutes later a con­ and looked up at the clear sky. vertible, its radio blaring loud "Just two more months and music, rolled by, then stopped another year will be over, " Jack and backed up. "Hey, Jack! thought. "What a waste! An­ How about a ride?" a fat boy other year gone. I ought to be with speckled rimmed glasses looking for a job soon. Maybe called out. Phil will give me a job for the Jack stopped and hesitated a summer. Maybe he'd make it moment. Then he shouted back, permanent if I ask him soon." 28 "vVell, scholar! Thinking you get the new car?" hard?" a voice broke in. "We just got her yesterday," Jack jerked around. "Oh! Sue responded as she took the It's you, Sue. When did you book Jack was holding and arrive-?" laid it down in the grass. "Now, The young girl advanced to­ you just have to come for a ward the tree. Her black hair ride. " hung across her forehead, like a "Oh, no !" Jack protested, curtain dropping on her spar­ "I've got to finish this." kling eyes. Drawing closer, she "Look, it isn't every day that continued, "Somebody up there we get a new car," Sue whined. told me I could find you down Then in a disgusted tone she here." Then playfully she asked, "What are you reading added, "What are you doing this time?" Jack looked away, here where no one can find bracing himself for the ordeal. you?" Sue picked up the book and "Oh, I just thought I'd brush read, ((Medieval English Life up on my reading for history." by Percy Applegate, member of "I might have known. Well, the Royal Society." In mock now you're coming for a ride triumph she added, "Well, old in our new convertible." Percy even made the Royal So­ "N0, I've re~lly got to study ciety. Maybe they'll even bury for this test tomorrow," Jack him in the British Museum or answered. Then he inquired something." Sue put the book with a jealous tone, "vVhen did down and waited a moment for Clio

29 Jack to protest. Jack was just Phil and I are happily married." about ready to suggest that they Then leaning over as if to con­ go find Phil and take a ride in fide in Jack, she giggled, "Vie the new convertible, when Sue did have a little, teeny-weeny began again in quieter tones. fight over whether the car "Look, Jack. Phil and I know should be pink or red." Turn­ you aren't happy with all these ing deadly serious, Sue went on, books. Gee, remember when we "Tell me, Jack. \iVhat's there used to play ball all day at the here for you? If you join Phil park back home? I bet you now you could make a fortune. never touched a book then." Have a nice house and get a "Remember how we used to nice wife. Why do you just buy ice cream at the old delica­ keep at it here?" tessen at the corner ?" Jack Jack sighed. Then rubbing grinned back. his hand against his forehead, Sue laughed gayly, "See, you he said bewilderedly, "I don't remember too." Enthusiastical­ know. When I was in high ly, she continued, "Look, you school. . Jack shi fted must have about two thousand around so that he looked direct­ of what your Dad left you. ly at Sue. "When I was in high \Vhy don't you buy a partner­ school, I had this teacher who ship with Phil? . After all he really had a good class. He did is .your brother. " Watching something for all of us, you Jack closely, Sue went on, know? He loved history, and "Coin-operated laundries are a he made us love it too. But he big business, and Phil's look­ didn't force it. He made it in­ ing for a partner." teresting." Jack paused and, "N0," Jack protested. "You looking down at the grass, con­ know Phil and I don't get along tinued in a whisper, "I always too well." hoped I could do that some day. Sue broke in impatiently. You know, be somebody who "Oh, brothers never get along." really means something. Who "How well do you get along really is important." Jack with him ?" Jack retorted. looked up at Sue and added, Sue jerked up her head so "You know, somebody people that her bangs swayed back and really need and somebody who forth defiantly. In a mockingly really helps people become, you serious tone she answered, "I'll know, more human, more like have you know, mister, that they should be."

30 Sue remained very silent, not thought when I got this far the stirring. "I know. You're still way would be opened and I a kid inside, and now you're could see how to really under­ beginning to see it all the ';Vay stand." Jack drew a long it really is. Let me tell you." breath. "You know what it is Sue grew more confident. "I that really makes me and Phil once felt that way too. When fight, don't you?" Sue said I was going to school I thought nothing. "Well, you see, Phil that maybe some day I could wants me to admit that I've lost. work in a lab and do research. You know I always worked I had a teacher who liked bi­ hard in schoo1. Everybody said ology, and she used to give us when I got good grades that I long lectures on sacrificing our­ would certainly be a success and selves." Sue laid her hand on Phil would fai1." Jack turned Jack's arm. "I felt like you on Sue, "You know, he never did." Sue looked over at the studied at all. Now that Phil's river and sighed. "When I met got all the money, and I've got Phil he showed me I was nothing, he wants me to come wrong. I know I would have over to his side. Don't you see, seen it as I grew older, just as he wants me to admit that I was you're seeing it now. Life isn't wrong and he was right." at all like you think it is." Sue Sue swung her head around went on almost with a sneer. and pleadingly asked, "But "It isn't really love or all like don't you see? He is right. that. It's just work and sweat, He is right." and not losing out to somebody else." . Sue lifted her head and Jack stuttered, "Is he right? looked at the sky, "I'm glad Is he ... Oh, Sue, life is hell." Phil opened my eyes." Then Sue looked abashed for a turning to Jack, she added, moment. Then she stammered "You'll learn too. It isn't like back, "Well, that's something you think it is." Inquisitively from a scholar!" Picking up she went on, "Why don't you her thoughts again, Sue went get in with Phil now while you on, "Don't you see that it's only can? When you wake up it will you who's making life hell? be too late." Just because you can't put truth Jack rested his head on the in a bottle, and proclaim, 'Here, edge of his fist and answered. world! Take the secret formula "I don't know, Sue. I always for truth discovered by Jack

31 Redsen,' you think it's all mean­ Jack just stared at the dead ingless. What about our ball leaves on the ground at his feet. games, those ice cream cones? Then he turned to Sue and Don't you think that was truth? smiled, "Well, what kind of How about our new car? vVhat car did you buy?" about any car, a house, a lawn, She jumped up and ex­ a tree? Don't you think that's claimed, "Allah be praised! The truth, too?" mountain has came back to Mo­ Jack looked up across the hammed!" Then with uncon­ river at the bare trees. "I don't trollable laughter, she chattered know. Maybe I should go just on, "Oh, it's the cutest little car. one more year." It's got a cute little top that "One more year!" Sue ex­ folds down into the trunk and ploded. "One more year will neat little rugs and a radio. be too late. Come on, let's talk Everything you could want." a partnership over with Phil. "It must be nice ..." Sure you won't have a degree, Sue broke into Jack's com­ but you'll still be making mon­ ment with a mocking laugh, ey. Listen, if you and Phil get "We forgot Percy." Then this thing moving, you'll have a knotting her brow, she pre­ house like the one Phil says tended deep contemplation, "Dr. we're going to · get soon and Redsen, what is your evaluation maybe a colored TV set." Sue of P. ]. Applegate?" giggled, "They're no good, but Jack laughed and answered, everybody's getting one." Sue "He might be worth a dollar if concluded triumphantly, "Any­ the prices are good at the book­ thing you want, you can buy." store."

32 DAVE ARMBORST, '64 Step

He moved slowly beneath the Another voluminous pile of covers and quilts, stretched out his arms wide and yawned sleepily. He Th~ first rays of sunshine looked about him at the small came creeping through the log room with its cold, empty frozen pane, and from some­ fireplace and tiny, frosted win­ where off in the bleak stillness dow which showed the white came. the challenging crow of mounds of snow covering the a rooster calling the world ground outside. He snuggled awake from its warm slumber. deeper beneath the bed covers, Randy woke suddenly and relishing the warmth which he lay quietly in the early morning must soon leave. And then, sud­ hush; listening to the muted denly, he remembered. sounds of the household rising Randy flung aside the heavy to the day's tasks: the muffled covers and jumped from the sound of footsteps crossing the tall four - poster bed which outer room, the log door being groaned in protest. Racing shut firmly, the crackle of a log across the cold, dark oaken settling in the roaring fireplace, floor, he hurried to the wash­ the clatter of dishes as Mother stand, in the opposite corner of walked about busily setting the the room, and, tipping the silver table for breakfast. All the pitcher, poured a basin full of sounds were dulled by his still­ cold, clear water into which he wakening· Sel)SeS which were dipped his head. He gasped just beginning to emerge fully from the shock. He seized a from the clinging cobwebs of towel and dried himself hastily. sleep. And now there came In no time whatever he had wafting on the air the delicious finished dressing and walked warm, he~rty smell of sausage over to the window where he sizzling, pancakes frying, and leaned on the sill, pressed his coffee bubbling merrily over the nose aaainst the cold glass, and fire. st , red at t 1 frozen country- I 33 side. lieve, to cling to this cherished It was Christmas Day! In idea. the other room, lying under the He was not asking much. If beautifully decorated Christmas just once he would hear that tree, would be the presents all knock at the door on Christmas wrapped in gay paper and tied Day and, upon opening it, with large ribbons. This would would find the bearded old man, be only the third Christmas that standing there greeting Randy Randy could remember, and his jovially, inviting him to come excitement was constantly in­ out to see his gifts lying under creasing. He wanted the day the tree. It would mean so much with its gay festivities and joy­ to him. And his heart yearned [ul surprises to last forever. within him, while his lips And yet he could hardly wait formed the silent prayer. until he heard the heavy foot­ Please! If his belief could only steps crossing the room and the last through the day. He knock at the door summoning wanted so to continue believ­ him into the other room for the ing! opening of the day's festivities. Looking up, he saw his However, there was one note father trudging through the of discontent in the symphony heavy snow up to the house, of joy surround~ng him on this heard the ponderous door open day. His mother had told him and close, and then the sound of of Saint Nicholas, or Santa footsteps crossing the wooden Claus, as he was known here in floor. Each footfall cut deeply America, the jolly man who into his heart, closed his lips embodied the whole wonderful tighter against the harsh light spirit of the season, who of reality. It wasn't fair! brought gifts to the good boys Randy stood there, his head and girls and spread the cheer hanging, his shoulders stooped of Christmas. Why had he under the burden of defeat, and never been seen? It was much realized that it could not be so, easier to believe in someone you that when he opened the door, could see. It was hard enough he would see only the lean, hard to believe, what with some of form of his father standing the things ' he had heard from there, smiling bleakly. It" could the older girls and boys at the not be otherwise. local schoolhouse last week. He A nd then came the knock on wanted so desperately to be- the door.

34 VALERIE MILLER, '66

Bits of sunshine filtering his fingers over his Teddy Ken­ through the trees made a fast­ nedy haircut which was already moving pattern on the red J ag­ being lightened by the early uar as it sped along. Like a June sun. The boyish face in speckled flame it darted around the mirror grinned as Bart the corner, then suddenly thought of the good news Louie stopped before a low stone was sure to have for him. house. Sidewalks' had not yet After a moment. a stocky, appeared in this new residential black-haired boy appeared on district to divide the strip of the front porch. "Hey, Bart, it fresh black tar from the lawns. came!" he yelled. "It's here!" It was still a woodsy area, with He ran to the car, waving a plenty of room for rambling letter. ranch-type houses like this one "'vVell, whattaya say, Louie! settled back . among the maples. Get in and tell me what he said. Three quick blasts, then two VVhy don't you just come along long blares on the horn broke to the station with me to pick the afternoon stillness. This up Richard?" Bart scowled. was the "secret honk" that Bart "You might know I'd have to always used to tell his friend ruin a perfectly good afternoon Louie that he was outside. Bart at the train station." leaned over from behind the Louie read his father's letter wheel to glance at himself in as the Jaguar cruised along. the rear-view mirror. He ran Then, "So, Bart, it's all settled. 35 We can leave for the lodge The train pulled out of the pretty soon, say next weekend. station, leaving a handful of From what Dad says, it should people on the small outdoor be all set up for the summer by platform. Richard, a taller, then. Dad is going straight to more mature version of Bart, the lake from his convention in strode over to the car where the St. Louis, and he'll get the boat boys sat enjoying cigarettes and the water skis all warmed while they waited. Bart had up for us. Man, I can't wait to pointed out that there was no get going." Louie half stood up use getting out of the car­ in the car, threw back his arms, Richard would find them all and let the wind whip his face. right. Richard reached down " Just feel that lake breeze, and shook his brother's hand man," he said, and slid back warmly. "Well, Bart, how are down on the seat, laughing at you? Thanks a lot for coming. Bart. Hello, Louie," he waved, cross­ ing to the other side of the "It' s going to be a blast this car. "Good to see you both." whole summer, Louie, one big Bart flicked his cigarette to blast. Ugh, I can just hear what the pavement. "vVhattaya say, old Richard is going to say. Richard is such . a grouch; he Richard? Squeeze in here some­ frowns on all fun. You know where and let's get home. I'm wh~t I mean, Louie? All he really beat. It's just a good thinks about when he comes thing you sent your bags on home from college is that char­ ahead, or we would be even ity camp of his. I couldn't more crowded." stand to coop myself up in the "Same old Bart," Richard woods with all those screaming thought, shaking his head. As little kids the way he does." they drove through the late Bart glanced into the rear-view afternoon sunlight, Richard mirror again as he drove. He questioned his brother about re­ straightened the collar on his cent happenings at home, then new Madras shirt with one casually steered the conversa­ hand, the shirt that was guaran­ tion toward plans for the sum­ teed to bleed. "Besides," he mer. As if it had just occurred said to Louie with a slight to him, Richard asked, "How shudder, "they don't even have about coming to camp with me running water." for a while this summer, Bart?

36 You, too, Louie. We're going 'Barton' bit," Bart thought, as to need a couple of extra-good he pulled into the driveway. counsellors.' , "It isn't just camp, it's your Bart sniffed. "Now look, whole general attitude," Rich­ Richard. Louie and I are spend­ ard continued. "Some day, Bar­ ing the whole summer at his ton, some day ..." But just father's lodge that's over on the then the boys' mother came other side of the lake from your running to the car to greet camp. The whole summer! them, and Richard did not have Louie has the letter right here a chance to finish. from his dad saying we can Saturday morning finally come. Show him, Louie. See, dawned. Bart and Richard flung Richard ?" their luggage into the back of the family station wagon and, "Sounds like a good time all with Louie, set out for the lake, right. But, Bart," Richard full of plans for the summer leaned forward in his seat to ahead of them. Later, long after make a direct appeal, "there the time it takes for boys to get are going to be some crippled hungry, they turned onto the boys from the state school over rutted dirt road that wound . for a few weeks. We sure could around the lake to the camp. use your help." They bounced along for a few "No, thanks, Richard. That minutes. Sud den I y Louie old charity camp of yours is pointed to a rusty metal sign going to be nothing but a bore tacked to a tree. "There it is, compared to this." He gestured 'Hootenanny Hollow Camp.' " impatiently toward Louie's let­ " 'Hootenanny Hollow' is ter; then, seeing the look on right," muttered Bart, as he Richard's face, he added slowly, took in the view from the road. "Well, uh, I guess I could drive In a small clearing away from you over there Saturday. It's the lake stood the only sturdy right on the way to the lodge." 'building the camp possessed, the Richard was silent until they ness hall. Richard explained let Louie off at his home. Then that the charred black circle on he said thoughtfully, "All right, the ground near the mess hall Barton, you can live it up all was the remains of last year's summer. You don't have to do campfire site. Five or six good­ anything to help anybody." sized logs were rolled haphaz­ "Oh, brother, here comes the ;trdly around it to serve as seats.

37 Circling both the building and tents. Then he glanced at the the campfire site were several raggedy little boys. "Have fun, dust-colored tents, procured a Richard." The station wagon few years before from the army rumbled down the dirt road and surplus store. disappeared around the curve of Richard climbed out of the the lake. Two miles ahead car and gathered his equipment stretched the lodge estate and together. "Hi, Richard! I'm the promise of "one blast of a here!" One of the campers who summer." had arrived early broke away A month passed and the two from the group that was boys filled their days with swim­ gathered before the rough log ming and skiing. door of the mess hall. He "I'm going to be water skiing started through the trees toward champion of this county yet," the car, leading a smaller boy Bart boasted sarcastically as he who limped badly. and Louie trudged up the " \Vell, hello, Tommy. Wel­ wooded hill, returning from one come back! Who IS your of their daily outings. "How friend ?" could I miss after skiing every "This is Billy. He doesn't single day for four weeks? walk very good. But Mr. Har­ Isn't there something else to do vey said we could go fishing as up here?" he scowled. "We've soon as you came. Wanna go been swimming and skiing all I now?" care to swim and ski for a Richard chuckled and swung while." hi s duffel bag across his shoul­ Louie paused to catch his der. "Okay, men, we'll go fish­ breath after the climb and ing as soon as I check in with thought for a minute. "Well, Mr. Harvey and throw this gear we could go fishing. Or maybe in my tent." He turned to Bart we could take out the boat and Louie in the car. "Thanks again, except that Dad doesn't for the ride, Bart. You're wel­ like us to when he isn't here. come to drop in anytime you He'll be right back in a day or feel like it. Sure do wish you two. You know he promised to could stay around." have your car back by then." "Yeah." Bart took another "Oh, great, and in the mean­ look at the rough log mess hall time we just do the same old and the cluster of weather-worn things over and over. Swim-

38 ming and fi s h i n g, skiing to do? That's my brother over and ..." there! \Vith a whole bunch of "''''hat did you expect to do little kids! I'm going to go see at a lake?" Louie interrupted. if he is okay. Want to come?" "My gosh'!" He walked onto the T hun d e r cracked. Bar t terrace overlooking the water. looked again at the darkened "Say, we could broil some sky through the rain beating at steaks out here tonight. That the window. "Two miles," he would make us both feel bet­ said. For a moment he looked ter." bleakly at his friend, and then "Not tonight, Louie. Look up Louie saw his e x pre s s ion at that sky. It looks like a ter­ change. There was real deter­ rific storm is coming up. Help mination in his features, and me grab these skis, and let's courage that made him seem get inside. Quick." more manly than boyish. It was one of those nightmar­ "I'll get a couple of flash­ ish thunderstorms that suddenly lights, and you grab some drive away the summer 1sun. matches," Louie shouted. "Let's Wind whip-lashed the lodge and get going!" drove the rain against it. The Later, much later it seemed, boys stood near the kitchen the boys sloshed, soaked and window eating san'dwiches and muddy, into Hootenanny Hol­ watching the rain. low. Everything was dark. Bart "Boy, would I hate to be out and Louie stopped and listened in this!" Bart exclaimed, lean­ intently. Above the noise of the ing comfortably on the window rain and thunder they could sill. He reached out for a pret­ hear boys' voices coming from zel, then suddenly whirled on the direction of the mess hall. Louie. "Louie! Richard and the They ran toward it in zigzag boys! Do you think they're all fashion to avoid the deep right? Let's go get them." puddles in the road. Bart swung "\Ve can't, Bart. Dad took open the heavy door. There your car with him, remember?" were fifteen or twenty small "Oh yeah, that's right." Bart boys curled up in blankets on cupped his hands around his the tables. They squirmed and eyes and stared out the window called out as thunder struck as if trying to see across the again. Pacing back and forth lake. "Louie, what are we going between the rows of tables was 39 one of the counsellors, talking "Bart!" he exclaimed, rising quietly to this child, and pulling to his feet. The two stood there the covers around that one. for a second looking at each Then Bar t spied Ric h a r d other. crouched on the floor with his "Got a job for me, Richard?" back to the door, trying in vain Richard's face broke into a to start a fire in the fireplace. grin. Just then little Billy "How'd you like a match, crawled out of his blanket and Richard?" asked Bart, putting slid down off the table. H ~ his hand on his brother's shoul­ hobbled over to Bart. Taking der. Ric h a r d started and hold of Bart's arm, Billy looked dropped the flint he had been up. rubbing. "Hi, man !" he said.

Little Things

A tender smile from someone near, A tiny violet hidden; Cheerful sunbeam on a dreary day, vVhippoorwill's song at twilight ; A nest of field mice, Newborn duckling, \ i\T oolly lamb: . Long live little things! Little things that make my way Easier, Lighter, Brighter. How mightless they before the Almighty!

THERESA MEYER, '64

40