SETH & EVAN’S NEW MOVIE or: HOW I LEARNED TO LOVE THE NAZIS. Adam Scheil

EXT. CONCENTRATION CAMP - DAY A NAZI SOLDIER paces in front of a line of JEWISH PRISONERS. NAZI SOLDIER ICH HABE EINE KLEIN SCHWANZ! A WOMAN cries out. He reaches back to slap her when a HAND enters frame and grabs his arm, stopping him short. SETH ROGEN (O.S.) Nicht. So. Schnell. Pull out to reveal SETH ROGEN holding the soldier’s arm. He twists it, sending him to his knees. NAZI SOLDIER You can’t... zeese is a concentration camp! SETH ROGEN How ‘bout you concentrate on these, heir deuche-bag. He takes out his balls and sets them on the soldier’s head. PULL OUT to reveal MARIO LOPEZ on the set of Extra, watching the movie clip with Seth Rogen and EVAN GOLDBERG. MARIO LOPEZ Remarkable. What made you decide to tackle such a... heavy subject? EVAN GOLDBERG Well at first we set out to make a heist movie. Like Ronin, but with jokes and boobage and stuff. SETH ROGEN Bonin’. Starring Slobert De Niro. (laughs, then) But then I was all, wait! What if we did something totally unexpected?? EVAN GOLDBERG And I was like, how about the Holocaust? But our own version, ya know? Inglorious bastards style. 2.

SETH ROGEN And I was all, awww schwitz, son!! MARIO LOPEZ Was it difficult, taking such a bold departure from what audiences have come to expect? EVAN GOLDBERG It wasn’t easy. Casting alone proved to be a giant pain in the- SMASH CUT TO a casting room. Seth and Evan sit behind a table as DANIEL DAY-LEWIS, mid-audition, pretends to hold a baby. DANIEL DAY-LEWIS My son... my poor... he was just a boy! He was just... He breaks down. Seth and Evan share an awkward look, then... EVAN GOLDBERG Uhh, thanks D-Day. We’ll... be in touch? He leaves. They wait a beat, then... SETH ROGEN Jesus. Who knew The Holocaust was gonna be such a fucking downer? EVAN GOLDBERG Tell me about it. JONAH HILL (O.S.) What’s up my He-Bro’s?! Reveal JONAH HILL, eating Cheez-its as he walks in the room. JONAH HILL (CONT’D) That’s Hebrew and brother, rolled into one. Jewish Pride, muthafuckazzzz!! Seth and Evan stare at Jonah as if he were the chosen one. JONAH HILL (CONT’D) What’s with the ‘fuck me’ eyes? You guys trying to fuck me? CUT TO Mario, now sitting pool side at The Peninsula Hotel, interviewing a sunbathing Jonah Hill. 3.

MARIO LOPEZ Jonah. People are saying that your performance was nothing short of- JONAH HILL -I can’t believe you got to work with Kapowski. I used to, just, destroy my dick jerking off to her. MARIO LOPEZ I... uhh... JONAH HILL Anyway, yes. My crazy-awesome performance. A.C.? It was brutal. I mean, reliving the atrocities that my people had to endure? I was all, Jesus! This is some serious shit! SMASH CUT TO the Nazi Soldier pushing a P.O.W. dressed Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen into a gas chamber. JONAH HILL (CONT’D) You just had to put your balls on his head, didn’t you? SETH ROGEN Where the hell are we, anyway? NAZI SOLDIER Oh zis old place? Nuh-sing, really. Just, you know, une gas chamber! SETH ROGEN Wait. Did he say... gas chamber?! Before he can answer, they let out a cacophony of farts. The soldier’s face distorts. He keels over at the awful smell. SETH ROGEN (CONT’D) DANNY! NOW! DANNY MCBRIDE rushes in carrying a large vase and smashes it over the soldier’s head, knocking him out cold. DANNY MCBRIDE Rot in pieces, motherland mother fucker. JONAH HILL Is that... do you have an erection? Reveal McBride sporting a rock hard, full-mast erection. 4.

DANNY MCBRIDE Yes, Jonah. It seems this cocktail of adrenaline slash fear has triggered a giant, Goliath-sized boner. Would you like to sign it? Sign my giant, massive erection? JONAH HILL You must be confusing me with- JAMES FRANCO (O.S.) -lemme guess, James Franco ha ha very funny. The solider stands and, a’la Mission Impossible, pulls off his face to reveal his true identity: JAMES FRANCO. CUT TO Mario, McBride, & Franco under blue lights, floating on their backs in a salt water deprivation tank. JAMES FRANCO (CONT’D) Those dummies were all ‘you can’t be in our movie, mister art house.’ But I showed them. DANNY MCBRIDE I gotta hand it to ya hombre, that surprised the shit outta everyone. MARIO LOPEZ Wait. They didn’t know it was you? DANNY MCBRIDE Shut up, Mario! This is our beautiful moment, not yours! CUT TO Seth, Jonah, McBride, and Franco sitting atop a large pile of DEAD NAZIS - passing around a joint. DANNY MCBRIDE (CONT’D) Well, the Nazi’s are dead. We’re getting tore up... still feels like there’s something missing. REVEAL CRAIG ROBINSON, going through the dead nazi’s pockets. CRAIG ROBINSON Yeah. You dumb cracker ass motherfuckers forgot the black out! SETH ROGEN Oh I get it! ‘Cause he’s black! Black out. 5.